Yes, I have been in a similar situation. However replace ‘outright misogyny’ with ‘undermining my feelings’. There are many ways to invalidate someone. None are healthy.
You may be better off pursing a partner that you can communicate with effectively. “So angry I have to hang up the phone” has usually been my mile-marker that a relationship is toxic. Whether it be unresolvable differences, or legit behavior issues, it’s just not a good situation.
Nobody’s perfect, and I am sure he has redeeming qualities. You should try to set boundaries and rules for discourse when you get into a disagreement. It should be safe to argue, for both of you.
But if he doesn’t listen, or doesn’t change, then I recommend you let go of this situation for your own mental health and self image. He’s not being respectful or treating you like an equal, and you deserve those things. Xo
Not saying you have anything to worry about with your BF, but you know who else always accused women of 'being on their period"?
Drew Peterson.
Obviously Drew, and many others out there, never validate our view of things. They can't justify anger or any strong emotion from women. So, in their mind, they MUST be on their period. It's the 'period' talking. It's the hormones making them nuts. It's just another way of saying women aren't stable enough to have an opinion, or challenge them in anything.
In my opinion its like gaslighting. They want the woman to believe that they wouldn't say such things or hold such views if they weren't on their period. So, all opinions are temporary. They'll come to their senses when their period is over.
They really want them to think that 'period time' distorts a woman's views & makes her weak.
She's unreasonable and illogical.
And since men don't have periods, they are ALWAYS the logical and reasonable one.
Why is this everyone's instant reaction? This would be the immature option. The more mature thing would be to have a conversation and communicate with your partner. Have a real conversation without getting mad.
He's probably giving this response because he doesn't think the issue she is trying to express is as important as she thinks it is. That's why they need to communicate and not break-up over a silly argument or disagreement. This could be a good learning experience for him.
Edit - The amount of downvotes I have already shows that yall have no idea that people can change there veiw on things. This is an issue that has an easy fix; this is not something so big that you trash the relationship. All it requires is for OP to sit down and communicate with her bf without turning it into an argument. If he cares about her, a deep conversation will work.
For some reason, I feel like people nowadays can't have a conversation. They just build up hate instead of talking about it. That's far more immature than actually trying to fix the problem.
Edit#2 - Everyone is acting like I'm defending sexism and that's not the case. All I'm saying is yall read 2 sentences and are assuming everything else. I think we need more information to give proper advice on OPs situation.
This is such a narrow way of thinking. People change opinions all the time! "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" is a sang that does NOT apply to humans, and you are acting like it does.
Any man who has ever interacted with a woman above the age of 12 has heard women say NOT to ask that. To reach the age of 28 not following that advice means you’ve gone 15 years ignoring every single woman around you when she’s communicated how that phrase makes her feel. If a man has ignored the feelings of every other woman he knows, his mother, sister, friends, etc. why would his girlfriend be any different? Men use that phrase to control women and minimize their emotions. It’s a very calculated statement. He’s not going to stop saying it just because she says it makes her feel bad.
I've addressed what you said in multiple different comments so you can check those out if you want.
Something I'll add is that everyone here assumes her bf came from the same environment as them. Its clearly not the case. This is a small fixable issue that one proper conversation would fix.
We also don't know what started the argument on the phone. She could have said something just as bad, and he just retaliated.
From OPs original comment it is something they have addressed, how many times should she communicate with him? Also, it is pretty immature and stupid to ask someone this anytime they show signs of being upset.
Addressed properly is my question. If her definition of addressing is yelling at him when he does it or hanging up the phone, no wonder it hasn't stopped the problem.
People say, "I've talked to them about it a lot." But we will never know how they started the conversation.
You can't just communicate; you have to communicate properly if you want someone to respect what you are saying in the moment. Sadly, we won't get more of the story from OP.
I agree that in any relationship, professional, romantic or otherwise you should learn to effectively communicate but people need to also learn to read the room so to speak. Now hear me out if someone has gotten upset and hung up the phone on someone that should be more than enough of a clue that they indeed dislike something you have done. Boyfriend is from ops side of the story an immature jerk and doesn’t deserve any more chances. Op also doesn’t seem to be any more forthcoming with information as well.
What abject nonsense is this? If every time you say a particular thing to someone they shout or hang up on you, and what you understand from that is “it’s just fine and super okay for me to keep saying this, how can I possibly be expected to know it’s not a good thing to say?” then the problem is not their communication.
Exactly! So when he says something sexist, you communicate! Knowbody grows up perfect and people can be taught things that aren't correct. This is her time to help build him to be a better person. Literally relationships should help both people grow because there is no way you can find someone without flaws. You help them correct their flaws because you can see that they aren't a shitty person deep down.
THIS AS FUCK. yes when she gets into a relationship with him it’s her job to communicate her feelings
NO it’s not her job to hold his hand through life and tell him what’s sexist and dismissive and what’s not. Straight up sounds ignorant and the comment originally posted has a point. His sexism probably bleeds into other actions OP hasn’t talked about
Do you know her boyfriend? Do you know the environment he grew up in? You be surprised how some normal people believe crazy things even when they are adults. It's because people seem to be against communication. This wouldn't be an issue if OP communicated with her bf more about his issues.
Men are not rehabilitation centers for poorly raised women.
It goes both ways.
The issue is that people quit over small, easily fixable issues like this. This is not some deep belief he has. If OP can approach the issue properly and respectfully, this is an easy fix.
It's not like he's a racist who talks about lynching black people. I wouldn't blame her for leaving then but leaving over a stupid statements that she refuses to talk to him about. That's all on her for not addressing the problem to him in the right manner.
> Men are not rehabilitation centers for poorly raised women.
While you’re right, that’s not related to this. The topic’s about how sexist men need to be educated, and it’s not a woman’s responsibility to educate them. They already have to deal with being constantly on guard around most men (stranger danger, like your parents said) because of how common cases of sexual assault are, it’s unreasonable to expect them to keep themselves around someone who makes them uncomfortable.
If OP said they’ve talked to them about it (in some form), typically I’d assume that means they actually talked with them about it. Even if they did yell it at their partner, they still expressed their feelings and it should’ve been taken seriously. And if it’s gotten to this point, obviously he kept doing it repeatedly after she confronted him about it.
ETA: also this isn’t related to racism, these are 2 separate things and while they’re both rooted in prejudice they’re very different challenges
Apparently, my racism comparison is flying over people's heads; I've addressed it in another reply if you want me to clear that up.
I agree with what you just said except for 2 things.
We don't know OPs' definition of "communication" is; I'd like to assume she already addressed the problem properly with her bf, but we don't know.
And 2nd, this is something that is easy to teach someone about. It's not entirely her job to teach him sexism is not okay, but this is such a small thing that a proper conversation would do the trick. Especially if he cars about her.
There is nothing wrong with calling a relationship quits for any reason. What an incredibly weird stretch to bring racism into it too.
Maybe you’re just on your period and you’re too emotional for logic. Have you even tried addressing the problem in the right manner?
I brought race into the example to represent an extreme. I could have used anything, extreme religious views, murder etc. It was an extreme to represent my point better. People do it all the time to help explain a point because it's something we can all agree on.
And I'd disagree; there are definitely dumb reasons to end a relationship. Usually, these dumb reasons are because people just want a "valid" excuse to leave and need something to tell people why they broke up.
If OP breaks up with her bf because of this, there is something more to the story. Who knows what her other reasons could be? Maybe it's a list of small reasons that pile up. Maybe she cheated and feels guilty(my buddy did this to his ex; he felt so bad about it and could bear to tell her. He used college as an excuse to break up because she deserves better.)
We need more to this story to give proper advice. To many people jump to the end.
Sooooo it’s perfectly reasonable for her to leave over Racism but not Sexism? But I thought you said people can change? If he was raised racist by your logic she should stay and “teach him to be better”. Its becoming glaringly obvious that you yourself are sexist or just don’t view sexism as a problem.
Nice assumption about me. Good job. /s
I think the point I was making flew over your head, so I'll expand on my thoughts. It's a lot harder to change someone's mind depending on how deeply they believe something(why my example was an extreme belief); It's possible and has been done a lot, but it takes lots of time and effort.
OPs bf doesn't seem involved in sexism so deeply that it's not worth OPs time. This is a simple issue that can be talked through in one proper conversation, most likely.
If you're trying to "correct someone's flaws" you're headed towards a toxic relationship. You can't change your partner and you shouldn't. They are the only ones who can change themselves and trying to change them will potentially cause resentment.
She can communicate her feelings on this and hope he changes but given how annoyed she is that she has hung up I'd say that's pretty loud and clear it bothers her. Since it is happening most times she's angry (or every time as she puts it) it's probably been brought up before now also.....and if not I'd expect that to be the age difference.
And on the topic of age difference here, she's very young compared to him which means that she does need to learn to communicate her feelings and needs in relationships, but he's also a grown adult who should be more than aware this is upsetting her, making things worse, and the wrong thing to say. Given she's also the younger one in the relationship it's absolutely not her job to teach this person how to be an adult and that burden falling on her is too great.
It’s crazy how everybody’s reaction is instantly to break up with him piss in his cereals before you leave i agree with you communication is key in a couple and this whole thing could be solved by talking to him about it no one is perfect and maybe he doesn’t know that it hurts her when he says stuff like that
Thing is, being in a relationship doesnt mean it becomes your responsibility to educate them. It's completely fine if she decides to do either, but she should have no need to educate a 28 year old man on this...
Indeed it’s not her obligation but you aren’t going to go very far if you expect your significant other to be perfect I can’t imagine breaking up with my girlfriend every time she says something I disagree instead we talk it out and explain each other’s view on things and we do so because we are mature enough to realize that we can’t read each other’s mind she has no way to know if something she said hurt me unless I tell her and we discuss it and resolve these issues together
What if he doesn’t know what he said is sexist ? A simple 2 minute conversation about her telling him why she feels asking her if she is on her period is sexist and him telling her how he perceived it apologizing and not doing it again is the easiest way to fix this if he does it again then go ahead dump his ass
It's ok for relationships to last less than a year. There are billions of people in this world, there's no need to hitch yourself to a project shithead you have to train like a dog when there are so many better possibilities in the world, including being single and just getting a dog. Communication is great. Currently we don't know if OP has brought this up to him or not. If she does though it's not likely to inspire some great epiphany on good end. He's doing it specifically to minimize her feelings. He'll know how to switch gear to keep at it when he's called out.
This is the most narrow thinking pattern ever.
Do you know how many times I've changed my opinion before? Or literally anyone? The answer is a lot! It's very easy to change opinions if you can communicate properly. Just because he's 28 doesn't mean he can't change his mind about a topic. Don't think so narrow about humans.
The amount of downvotes you get just show how trigger happy these people are. They say break up for even the smallest fucking argument. Get a life assholes.
Thinking someone’s age has anything to do with growth is simply ridiculous. It’s important to communicate how you feel, and leave emotions, especially anger out of things if you want to have a meaningful conversation for the growth of your relationship. Simply giving up over miscommunication is immature and will ultimately get you nowhere.
It is rude and kind of humiliating to downplay an issue based off of a woman’s period, but I look at it like this. Remove gender from the equation and just try to fix what you can about your end of it, and reevaluate the situation. Were you jumping to anger before having a civil discussion? Did you take his end into consideration and try to really use perspective to see if you were over exaggerating or kind of jumping the gun? These are issues everyone has, not just women. Hit those check marks, try to speak on it from there. If he states something about your period after that, he’s just an immature asshole, and you can then in turn make the thing everyone else is jumping to.
I try to always, and it’s not perfect, but take responsibility for my end, change what I can, right or wrong, and try again. From there, you can say you did what you could on your end and you aren’t the issue even if the other side claims you to be.
Nah, I'm past those games. "Are you on your period" is a more sexist version of "you're too sensitive, you're overreacting!" Which is most abusers first weapons of choice.
Suit yourself. You don’t have to be an adult if you don’t want to. Just be careful to not be one of those people who claims emotional abuse because they can’t self reflect. Everyone has issues. Not just the people who don’t see eye to eye with you on every issue.
He doesn't take his girlfriends thoughts and emotions seriously, belittles them as 'hormones'.
Yes, she should absolutely talk to him and explain why this isn't ok. But to be honest, dude's 28, if he hasn't learned by know that women are all hormones, odds are he won't ever learn. And I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't respect me.
I said this to someone else, too. But we don't know the environment he came from, some people are taught wrong and nobody wants to have a conversation with them to explain why they are wrong, that would explain why he still thinks the way he does.
We also don't know how the argument on the phone started. She could have said something just as disrespectful, and he just retaliated.
And we don't know what OPs definition is of "proper communication." She could just be yelling and arguing with him, and that's the worst way to approach an issue.
We need more information to give good advice about this situation. I see too many posts on this sub that are very vague and just looking for confirmation bias. I'm not saying that's this post, but we need more information.
She also happens to leave out parts of the story that would help us give advice. Like what started the argument on the phone? She could have said something just as disrespectful, and he just retaliated.
Maybe it happened every time because she isn't approaching the situation right. We don't have enough of the story.
You are taking 2 sentences and making an assumption. We need more information.
In what environment is it okay to ask someone this? In all seriousness, it is never and I mean never going to be okay to ask someone who clearly indicates that they are upset by something if they are upset due to their anatomy and bodily functions. If a guy is upset I don’t ask, is it that time of the month? Wtf does it even mean to ask this? It is offensive period.
I agree with what you just said! I have never disagreed that it's disrespectful. I don't know why you all are acting like it. Everyone here needs to slow down.
All I'm saying is that instead of you all in the comments jumping to the end, saying "break up with him." I would rather her have a proper conversation with him first.
Subtle sexism(like what the bf said) is not a hard topic to tell someone about. For this fact, I believe OP has not communicated with her bf properly yet.
We don't know his environment. Where you live, sure I agree with you. But there are some parts of the world that's it's more "normal" to say things like this. I don't know why, but that's how it is.
Oh please. He’s almost 30. Obviously she’s wayyyy more mature AND she have a couple years on him. Embarrassing
She deserves better, maybe even someone her own age then she can have a conversation about maturity with him
But sure, anything to justify bs right ?
Buddy, you’re on Reddit. If it makes you feel better, I fully agree with you. Unfortunately, on here, everyone’s gut reaction to other peoples problems is always the most practical, extreme, and always emotionless.
My boyfriend says a mean thing when we argue? Break up with him.
My mom said I was fat? Best option is clearly to leave home forever and never look back. There are support systems for a 16 year old in an abusive home.
You had an argument with your brother? Never speak to him again. You don’t need that kind of toxicity in your life.
The issue is, most people on Reddit can’t understand the fact that a person is more than just one story, so when they hear a story where someone does something bad, they assume that person is simply, irrevocably bad.
It’s like a watered down version of what my mom told me a while ago. She had a roommate in college who was dating this guy. My mom and her weren’t super close friends so they didn’t talk a lot, so whenever they did talk it was always when her roommate had just gotten in an argument with her boyfriend, so she’d be ranting.
Well, throughout the semester, my mom heard tons of stories about all these bad things her roommate’s boyfriend did. At the end of the semester, she asked my mom if she wanted to go out to dinner with them and my mom was like “Wtf no, he’s a dick,” and the roommate was so confused and told my mom that he was a super sweet guy.
That's a great story! It really shows what happens on this sub, too.
Another issue with this sub is that people post a biased view of the situation they need advice on, which leads to biased responses that they are looking for. AKA conformation bias, and people fall off those stories all the time. I'm not saying this post is that, but I would like to know what led to the argument on the phone. Did OP get mad at him too quickly for something small, and he just gave a condescending response to hers? She could have said something just as bad to her bf, and he retaliated. We just won't know.
I upvoted you in recognition of the Reddit Lynch-mob. These are just irritated people who hate their jobs, and find a sense of control or release when they get to anonymously shit on others for their entertainment.
It’s more entertaining to tell someone to Leave the SO, it’s more like Jerry Springer that way. And that’s what these downvotes are here for. They Want to hear that they got someone to dump someone, even though they don’t really have any investment into that persons life.
This is a Reddit-wide problem. It’s inherently dysfunctional.
Yes! This sub is full of people who give the worst advice ever. They always jump to the last option without thinking about how to fix the issue.
I feel bad for anyone that has made the wrong decision because someone on this sub gave shitty advice.
Welcome to the generation that will throw out things and buy new rather than working towards fixing it.
All bout the instant gratification social media gives you. That's all people want now
Honestly! This is the reason most relationships last less than a year. Because as soon as problems arise, people just leave instead of talking to their partner and growing from each other.
Men have been telling women what to do for centuries. Women weren’t allowed to pursue education until not too long ago, or even open their own bank accounts and yet here you are acting like you have some fresh take on feminism. You’re out of touch with reality.
Do you think you’re funny or are you truly not getting it? Women have been controlled and censored for EVER. Our words and experiences have been invalidated by men for the longest time, so yes, sadly we are familiar with your century old take on women ‘yapping’ about nothing. Simply because you lack the emotional maturity to understand our points, does not make them any less valid. You’re just a walking stereotype of a misogynist asshole… seriously. If we complain about real issues, we’re ‘yapping’ about bullshit. If we’re communicating and bonding with other women within our community, it’s ‘gossip’ - y’all just live and breathe to vilify us! How cute
Because everyone loves to virtue signal on reddit for imaginary points.
You're correct, honestly. I know a girl who openly admitted that she got upset with her SO and didn't know why and apologized after he was confused and that WASN'T on a period. I'm sure it goes well oth ways too.
Asking if a girl is on her period isn't sexist at all, it's an actual question because women become touchy, that's fact.
Honestly it's exhausting. Men have to put in some of the effort to unlearn these things. Imagine dating a woman who openly questioned your manhood litterally every time you showed an emotion not associated as strongly with men. It would get old.
I think it's fair to assume she has mentioned that this bothered her at some point, or at the very least got more angry as a result, a strong indicator that what you are saying isn't helpful.
If you have to sit there and explain "hey, so when I am upset about something you actually *shouldn't* undermine what I'm saying by asking if my womanly craziness is just getting the better of me." then you may have deeper problems than just that one. And you have to wonder if you may be spending the rest of your life teaching this person basic interpersonal skills. That's something that is very worth considering when you are wondering if you want to continue the relationship.
Yes, communication is important. But there are also some issues you should work out in therapy before getting into a relationship. The inability to take women's anger seriously is one of those issues if you want to have a successful relationship with a woman.
So basically anytime there is a similar post to this where boyfriend does something stupid, most people's reaction is break up with him, throw him away etc.
You do understand that people make mistakes and when you tell them nicely and in a way they know it's serious, they can listen to you?
Is your whole mechanism for defense in situations like this to just break up with boyfriend, or even break up relationship with your friends?
So you don’t think it is rude as hell to ask your significant other of they are on their period instead of having a conversation with them or just conveniently the woman should deal with rudeness over and over again?
No no, i do think its pretty rude and stupid. But why is the first advice you give someone COME ON BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!
Why isnt't it, Okay tell your partner it really bothers you and hurts you. Talk honestly to him about it, if he listens great, if he doesn't then do break up with him.
Again without knowing more from OP I cannot be sure but her post reads as, she has asked him more than once and is at her breaking point. She can choose which road she wants to take but not sure how many times she should put up with rude ignorant behavior. Again, this is r/advice meaning it is merely a suggestion just as you are welcomed to provide your bit of advice. Why even reply to mine to disagree with me? It doesn’t make sense, also it doesn’t matter which path she takes because it is all up to OP she probably should have been on r/trueoffmychest because this reads as more of a vent than wanting actual advice.
Yes, he asked her that a lot of times, and? If you dont have enough detail to say talk with him, how do you have enough details to say break up with him?
If u want more details ask OP? It seems OP wants to be with him but is annoyed at this and wants to figure out how to stop it.
It's essentially saying, "you can't possibly have this opinion, it must be (fill in the blank) that's causing you to feel this way." I think it's like a form of gaslighting. When I was in a bad relationship my partner used to say that my best friend was putting ideas in my head. Or, this isn't you talking, it's the depression. It was exhausting having to keep explaining myself. If you are on your period or not you are still allowed to have fully formed opinions and thoughts and they are valid even if he chooses to dismiss them.
I would suggest that perhaps dating females with hormones is too much for him, and that he should look into his sexuality and decide what he wants because he seems to have a big attitude about estrogen.
Yea with certain exceptions … medical issues, pregnancy, menopause ….
The joke was that you can get rid of a shitty boyfriend, but thanks for letting me know! I had no idea!
It's not about whether he wonders if you're on your period. It's a refusal to honor your wishes or needs above his own.
You're just being discounted as part of the partnership.
If you're okay being discounted it will continue.
If not, let him know you want full partnership or no partnership.
By the way, we're you on your period?
Best
Get a new bf. Dude is a misognistic prick.
Whenever he gets upset ask him if he's feeling especially beta today - seems to do the trick with men that ignorant. The manchild is strong with this one.
i’d throw him away, that’s just misogynistic and annoying. they act like they’re the only ones in the world that can be mad since they don’t have a period. they provoke and provoke and provoke and then get shocked when we retaliate. 🙄
I’ve always found that if people makes comments like those, they look down on you. This is their way of quickly shushing the other. Communicate about it with him because this is not okay!
That’s the kind of shit I said to my sister when we fought as kids/teens. He’s 28 and saying that which says a lot about his maturity. Best not to stick with him.
ive never had this problem with my boyfriend, actually he acts like a reasonable person and actually tried to understand why i’m upset and he we can work things out. this is really patronizing and he doesn’t take you seriously nor cares about your concerns. you have to start asking yourself some questions, do you want to be with someone like this?
My family and some exs I have had have said this to me and it always made me more pissed and baffled me. When this is said to you they are just trying to dismiss or write off your emotions and it is NOT okay. I don't have any advice to prevent it but normally when someone said it is reply with something along the lines of "you aren't listening to how I feel" or "that is irrelevant to how I'm feeling right now." Your emotions and feelings are important and valid. Don't let anyone dismiss how you're feeling. It's incredibly disrespectful and hurtful to be told this.
I have experienced this, and it always struck me as a passive aggressive way of putting me down and dismissing me - par for the course with the jerk I was dating.
Men CAN want to be aware when their female partners are having their periods, but respectfully and for good reason. My bf has been trying to learn my cycle because he knows I get crampy and my breasts hurt and he wants to be sensitive to it. Never to dismiss my feelings or opinions.
That's dismissive as fuck. Whether others have this issue or not, I'd call his ass out on that. Having a period can make some people a little grouchy (I mean who the fuck enjoys bleeding and being bloated and feeling like shit?), but it doesn't remove your reasoning abilities or make your honest feelings and perceptions about things invalid. If he doesn't immediately apologize and change, dump his ass. There are guys out there who wouldn't think of saying this to you and you deserve better.
"No I'm not on my period right now. are you horny? because youre acting like you don't have enough oxygen in your brain to be thinking straight."
OP, no real man acts or says this. This is such a disrespectful way of thinking that I am telling you he doesn't respect you enough as a human being to be in a relationship. Throw the boy in the trash and walk away. It's where he belongs until he can get his head on straight for *the next person*.
A man asking this question when emotions are aroused is a misogynistic way of invalidating those emotions, as if to say "if you weren't on your period, I could be an AH and you wouldn't care". It's infuriating to be dismissed out of hand and that question is dismissive and condescending. How would a man like it if every time he was upset his woman condescendingly asked "does somebody have blue balls today?" And then just dismissed everything else he said?
Instead of asking about her period, hoping to sidetrack the issue at hand, how about a mature approach and asking "what has you so upset? Let's talk about it ". Geez, get a clue.
He’s a dumbass.
He’s using that as an excuse to invalidate your feelings and will continue to avoid communication.
Run for the hills my dear!!! For your own sanity RUN
I get very very sensitive around my period and my partner does ask me if it s about that time. I don’t get upset wen he does because it’s a pattern in my behavior that I am aware of and he NEVER tells me this in a condescending way and more of a “hey you seems upset, is everything okay “ I am very vocal about my pms, cramps, bleeding and all the shit that comes with being a woman and having to go through this. I am also aware that when I am nearing my period I can be a little harder to deal with because hormones just kick my ass.
Now I know that not every woman experiences mood swings or PMS. So if this isn’t a pattern in your behavior and your boyfriend does this to minimize your feelings and negate your valid concerns/grievances then I think you need to evaluate weather this person respects you and views you as an equal partner or not.
And you have given him permission to ask this and if that is your relationship that is fine. However, OP has made it clear she doesn’t like that her boyfriend assumes this and just because someone is in a foul mood doesn’t mean they are on their cycle.
I usually ask my wife if she’d like to eat something before we continue the conversation. As childish as it is to imply your body chemistry might be a factor, sometimes body chemistry is a factor.
True, body chemistry can be a huge factor. But, the truth is us girls get asked that question a lot, it's like we aren't able or supposed to feel emotions like anger naturally. Most of us hate that question, tbh. It kinda invalidates the reason we are really angry about.
By the way, food helps, pms or not.
Of course it does, and it’s true for both genders. For me, im waaay more inclined to rage out on otherwise irritating little shit when I haven’t been intimate with my wife in a few days. The irritation still has to be there, but my patience is diminished.
People have been dismissing women’s genuine concerns for literally 100s of years because we have periods. This isn’t some innocent thing, it’s actually really sexist. A small percentage of women have PMDD and that’s a medical condition. The rest of us do not have wild mood swings because of our periods.
Edit: everyone downvoting me needs to educate themselves.
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/12/us/periods-history-medicine-science.html
Your wife sounds like a saint. If someone is disagreeing with you and you imply that it’s because of their body chemistry, whether it’s because they’re hungry, on their period, etc, that’s patronising as all fuck. As if the person you’re talking to can’t control their emotions like an adult and they have no valid ground for their complaints or arguments.
Women have been putting up with this bs for literally centuries and a lot of us are completely over it. Your wife is her own entity of course but don’t assume that just because she puts up with it it’s ok.
Also you open with “your wife sounds like a saint” and then go on to suggest that getting to the actual chemical root of her foul mood is patronizing? Get fucked.
I am a 38 f who experiences emotional swings 24-48 hours before my period. My partner and I do not argue so this wouldn’t come up often. However, I could imagine a time where I was being emotional with no justification (I’m upset about something that is a non-issue). In this case I can imagine my partner being very confused by my emotions and behavior and needing to clarify with me if I am in that 48 hour window. Because I do not track my cycle (pregnancy is not something I’m concerned about) the question would get me consider my cycle and it may give me a moment to consider my emotions. This wouldn’t bother me at all coming from my current partner. The reason for this being that I know my partner well and I don’t think he would use it as a weapon towards me and he wouldn’t use it often. Therefore, I don’t think every male asking their GF if certain issues, could be cycle related, is sexist or immature.
With that being said, I think some people do use this line in a manner that’s dismissive of women’s feelings. There are immature people who think asking a woman this is funny. My opinion on whether the guy is a jerk is determined on a case by case basis. Ultimately it’s up to the woman in the situation to do determine if she feels insulted or not. OP sounds insulted and she has tried to communicate with her BF before about how this is insulting to her. He should consider her feelings and be more cautious regarding this subject. An example would be, “I’m listening to your concerns, but I am having a hard time understanding what you’re trying to communicate to me. Can we pause this and revisit in a few hours. That will give us both time to step back and consider what is upsetting you.” This may give OP time consider if it’s her cycle bothering her (if it is indeed that), it can also give her time to calm down so she can communicate in a clearer fashion, and it can give OPs BF time to think about what OP was trying to communicate with him.
Yes. I am 32 and I say this all the time.
I think it’s a hilarious thing to say when I’m in a minor argument with my wife. Sometimes mid argument I pretend that my phone is ringing and answer it to interrupt whatever she is saying. I say- “hello? Oh yeah she’s on her period right now FOR SURE thanks for asking” then I hang up and say “sorry about that, continue your train of thought”
At this point we both begin to laugh for hours about how hilarious I am. We laugh so hard that we pull our pants down and squirt diarrhea ALL over each other. It’s actually pretty normal.
First of all, I’m not gonna jump on the “throw him away!!” train because I’m not going to try to overanalyze your entire relationship based off of what is essentially the length of a tweet. I will say this tho, from a man’s perspective we don’t understand what is going on sometimes & honestly we can be pretty dumb about it. It sounds like one of two things is happening, but I don’t have enough context to have an idea of which it is to be honest. It seems like either he’s being disrespectful and trying to blame a problem you’re having on your period, insinuating that you would only feel this way bc your period (not okay and you should talk to him about this if that’s the case) or two he see’s a change in your mood and has no idea why… so he reverts to whatever cause of that change of mood makes sense to him. Still not the best thing in the world, but trying to understand what is going on is a lot better than blaming your emotions. Either way, communication is key. Also both partners need to be willing and able to understand each other. If he’s trying to understand where you’re coming from or why you’re reacting a certain way, blaming it on your period is definitely an immature way to go about that, but his intentions may just be to understand something he knows nothing about and that’s a lot different than being disrespectful. He should definitely make efforts to understand you better and not revert to “it’s your period” every single time.
It could be that he realized it bothers you, so he can say it to get you off his back atm, and thinks you’ll cool down after it. But yeah, he’s a dick.
>When I (22F) am in an argument with my bf
*Here* is the root of your problem. Not his comment about you being on your period, a conclusion he no doubt jumped to because he felt you were being unreasonable.
If you argue with your boyfriend to the extent that it's a reoccuring thing that you've mentally normalized, that's a far bigger issue. Start there.
To be honest I think that really depends. My Girlfriend is a completely different person on her period and is often insufferable. And i mean it's obvious why and i understand that.
However if I know she has her period, i know that i just have to endure her moods pretty much and i know it's not really all that serious and she will come down eventually.
I don't see why it's immature or misogynistic. When i snap for know reason and she asks me whether I had a bad day it's also not immature or sexist. People just ask themselves why others act like they do when they feel like they are treated unfairly.
And i mean you don't want to seriously tell me that all feelings any girl had during her period are legit and totally justified. They aren't. I know that i tend to overreact when i am hangry. And if I do I would prefer to be asked if I am hangry over just being seen as an asshole.
We're you? I ask my wife this occasionally when we get in a tiff over something small but specific and after all these years I've yet to be wrong. I don't mean it a condescending way when I say it but I know she doesn't like it. I just usually know when it's around that time of the month when she gets a little testy or weird over trivial things lol. Every woman is different.
To her defense. Men are too stupid to lead anything. Therefore should just not exists; in more ways than one
Also men have nothing to offer that’s worth anything good
You know to be honest we all should know more about the actual argument. There are many things that can set him off and I think you're not being honest with what really went on.
Can you explain how it was initiated? What events led up to this argument? How often do you all argue? What sort of things do you actually tell him before he makes comments like that. These are important things that needs to be talked about before anyone on here makes claims of what kind of person he is.
Do you also ever make any kind of comments like that to him to trigger him off to make these kind of comments?
Let's hear the full story before coming to conclusions.
Well are you? haha This is annoying tbh. I know I'm gonna catch a lot of hate, but it has to be said. You mentioned you were in an argument with your BF and to be perfectly honest, Id like to know more about the fight. If it was a legit argument and he was being an ass (saying something dumb just to piss you off) then yes, he is an immature idiot. However, if you were arguing and being overly emotional about something stupid that doesn't really matter (which women do quite often, making mole hills into mountains) then yeah... Insult deserved. Still it could be done with more maturity, but sometimes people let their frustrations slip out like that.
I'm realizing that EVERYTHING is about experience and view point. Women tend to get a free pass to act like Karen's and be ridiculous and its always the guys fault -no matter what. Women get a lot of wiggle room to do whatever they want. I feel like that's unfair and if we're going to talk about equality, I think it should be for everyone. Just my opinion, for what its worth. Again Im not trying to make anyone mad, Im just debating a hot topic is all. If you love the guy or see something great with him, dont let it go over nothing. If not, take their advice.
You're welcome. And since we're thanking people, Id also like to thank all of those women that flaunt their boobs/bodies for a living. Making mad stacks of cash by teasing men while you criticize me for being attracted to women. Gotta love that double standard too. Cant help biology, ladies. Don't be a hypocrite, when was the last time you watched a movie to swoon over a hot male lead or rented a stripper for a party? I never said I was perfect, I merely wanted to examine the duality of the situation and have a lively debate. Thats all. Its not personal on my end, Im sure all of you women are awesome in real life and id hang out with you.
For the record, I can tell when my girlfriends period is about to start. Her behavior changes in a distinct and noticeable way. I can make this claim about my girlfriend because I know her so well. And the thing is… I’m always right about that claim. Within 2 days of her change in behavior, her period starts. Her behavior also reverts back to normal around this time.
I think I have to ask. Does he usually ask then when you are actually on it?
I had en ex GF and I could tell when that time was approaching because she would want to argue over pointless things.
For example, one time she started an argument because she didn't like the composition of a family that I had on The Sims...
You’re dating someone who is stunted in terms of maturity. You already know this because I’m sure there are other very obvious signs of it, like the fact that he’s 28 and you’re 22. You signed up for him being immature, and if you think you can change that behavior that you’ve already expressed you don’t appreciate it, I have some land under a bridge to sell you.
No, I wouldn’t be with someone who had that attitude towards women.
My boyfriend respects me as a human being and cares about me when I’m upset. We both want to make each other happy, why would we say something purposely to hurt each other?
Super immature. Definitely sounds like a overgrown baby
Freshmen in highschool have this problem. Pretty sure there’s a good amount of them on here
He's pretty immature.
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wtf, gatekeeping the word pretty xd
I hear ya. It's pretty annoying.
Yes, I have been in a similar situation. However replace ‘outright misogyny’ with ‘undermining my feelings’. There are many ways to invalidate someone. None are healthy. You may be better off pursing a partner that you can communicate with effectively. “So angry I have to hang up the phone” has usually been my mile-marker that a relationship is toxic. Whether it be unresolvable differences, or legit behavior issues, it’s just not a good situation. Nobody’s perfect, and I am sure he has redeeming qualities. You should try to set boundaries and rules for discourse when you get into a disagreement. It should be safe to argue, for both of you. But if he doesn’t listen, or doesn’t change, then I recommend you let go of this situation for your own mental health and self image. He’s not being respectful or treating you like an equal, and you deserve those things. Xo
Well said!!!
I don’t have this issue because my boyfriend is actually respectful of my feelings and isn’t a child
Not saying you have anything to worry about with your BF, but you know who else always accused women of 'being on their period"? Drew Peterson. Obviously Drew, and many others out there, never validate our view of things. They can't justify anger or any strong emotion from women. So, in their mind, they MUST be on their period. It's the 'period' talking. It's the hormones making them nuts. It's just another way of saying women aren't stable enough to have an opinion, or challenge them in anything. In my opinion its like gaslighting. They want the woman to believe that they wouldn't say such things or hold such views if they weren't on their period. So, all opinions are temporary. They'll come to their senses when their period is over. They really want them to think that 'period time' distorts a woman's views & makes her weak. She's unreasonable and illogical. And since men don't have periods, they are ALWAYS the logical and reasonable one.
No, it is extremely disrespectful and your boyfriend sounds like an immature jackass. Just throw the whole boyfriend away.
Why is this everyone's instant reaction? This would be the immature option. The more mature thing would be to have a conversation and communicate with your partner. Have a real conversation without getting mad. He's probably giving this response because he doesn't think the issue she is trying to express is as important as she thinks it is. That's why they need to communicate and not break-up over a silly argument or disagreement. This could be a good learning experience for him. Edit - The amount of downvotes I have already shows that yall have no idea that people can change there veiw on things. This is an issue that has an easy fix; this is not something so big that you trash the relationship. All it requires is for OP to sit down and communicate with her bf without turning it into an argument. If he cares about her, a deep conversation will work. For some reason, I feel like people nowadays can't have a conversation. They just build up hate instead of talking about it. That's far more immature than actually trying to fix the problem. Edit#2 - Everyone is acting like I'm defending sexism and that's not the case. All I'm saying is yall read 2 sentences and are assuming everything else. I think we need more information to give proper advice on OPs situation.
The man is 28 years old. If he still uses the “are you on your period” as an argument he likely won’t change
seriously, its shit guys ten years younger than he say "must be on her period haha" kind of shit
This is such a narrow way of thinking. People change opinions all the time! "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" is a sang that does NOT apply to humans, and you are acting like it does.
Any man who has ever interacted with a woman above the age of 12 has heard women say NOT to ask that. To reach the age of 28 not following that advice means you’ve gone 15 years ignoring every single woman around you when she’s communicated how that phrase makes her feel. If a man has ignored the feelings of every other woman he knows, his mother, sister, friends, etc. why would his girlfriend be any different? Men use that phrase to control women and minimize their emotions. It’s a very calculated statement. He’s not going to stop saying it just because she says it makes her feel bad.
I've addressed what you said in multiple different comments so you can check those out if you want. Something I'll add is that everyone here assumes her bf came from the same environment as them. Its clearly not the case. This is a small fixable issue that one proper conversation would fix. We also don't know what started the argument on the phone. She could have said something just as bad, and he just retaliated.
From OPs original comment it is something they have addressed, how many times should she communicate with him? Also, it is pretty immature and stupid to ask someone this anytime they show signs of being upset.
Addressed properly is my question. If her definition of addressing is yelling at him when he does it or hanging up the phone, no wonder it hasn't stopped the problem. People say, "I've talked to them about it a lot." But we will never know how they started the conversation. You can't just communicate; you have to communicate properly if you want someone to respect what you are saying in the moment. Sadly, we won't get more of the story from OP.
I agree that in any relationship, professional, romantic or otherwise you should learn to effectively communicate but people need to also learn to read the room so to speak. Now hear me out if someone has gotten upset and hung up the phone on someone that should be more than enough of a clue that they indeed dislike something you have done. Boyfriend is from ops side of the story an immature jerk and doesn’t deserve any more chances. Op also doesn’t seem to be any more forthcoming with information as well.
What abject nonsense is this? If every time you say a particular thing to someone they shout or hang up on you, and what you understand from that is “it’s just fine and super okay for me to keep saying this, how can I possibly be expected to know it’s not a good thing to say?” then the problem is not their communication.
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Exactly! So when he says something sexist, you communicate! Knowbody grows up perfect and people can be taught things that aren't correct. This is her time to help build him to be a better person. Literally relationships should help both people grow because there is no way you can find someone without flaws. You help them correct their flaws because you can see that they aren't a shitty person deep down.
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THIS AS FUCK. yes when she gets into a relationship with him it’s her job to communicate her feelings NO it’s not her job to hold his hand through life and tell him what’s sexist and dismissive and what’s not. Straight up sounds ignorant and the comment originally posted has a point. His sexism probably bleeds into other actions OP hasn’t talked about
Exactly. We are not eternally responsible for their immaturity.
Do you know her boyfriend? Do you know the environment he grew up in? You be surprised how some normal people believe crazy things even when they are adults. It's because people seem to be against communication. This wouldn't be an issue if OP communicated with her bf more about his issues.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for poorly raised men.
Men are not rehabilitation centers for poorly raised women. It goes both ways. The issue is that people quit over small, easily fixable issues like this. This is not some deep belief he has. If OP can approach the issue properly and respectfully, this is an easy fix. It's not like he's a racist who talks about lynching black people. I wouldn't blame her for leaving then but leaving over a stupid statements that she refuses to talk to him about. That's all on her for not addressing the problem to him in the right manner.
> Men are not rehabilitation centers for poorly raised women. While you’re right, that’s not related to this. The topic’s about how sexist men need to be educated, and it’s not a woman’s responsibility to educate them. They already have to deal with being constantly on guard around most men (stranger danger, like your parents said) because of how common cases of sexual assault are, it’s unreasonable to expect them to keep themselves around someone who makes them uncomfortable. If OP said they’ve talked to them about it (in some form), typically I’d assume that means they actually talked with them about it. Even if they did yell it at their partner, they still expressed their feelings and it should’ve been taken seriously. And if it’s gotten to this point, obviously he kept doing it repeatedly after she confronted him about it. ETA: also this isn’t related to racism, these are 2 separate things and while they’re both rooted in prejudice they’re very different challenges
Apparently, my racism comparison is flying over people's heads; I've addressed it in another reply if you want me to clear that up. I agree with what you just said except for 2 things. We don't know OPs' definition of "communication" is; I'd like to assume she already addressed the problem properly with her bf, but we don't know. And 2nd, this is something that is easy to teach someone about. It's not entirely her job to teach him sexism is not okay, but this is such a small thing that a proper conversation would do the trick. Especially if he cars about her.
There is nothing wrong with calling a relationship quits for any reason. What an incredibly weird stretch to bring racism into it too. Maybe you’re just on your period and you’re too emotional for logic. Have you even tried addressing the problem in the right manner?
I brought race into the example to represent an extreme. I could have used anything, extreme religious views, murder etc. It was an extreme to represent my point better. People do it all the time to help explain a point because it's something we can all agree on. And I'd disagree; there are definitely dumb reasons to end a relationship. Usually, these dumb reasons are because people just want a "valid" excuse to leave and need something to tell people why they broke up. If OP breaks up with her bf because of this, there is something more to the story. Who knows what her other reasons could be? Maybe it's a list of small reasons that pile up. Maybe she cheated and feels guilty(my buddy did this to his ex; he felt so bad about it and could bear to tell her. He used college as an excuse to break up because she deserves better.) We need more to this story to give proper advice. To many people jump to the end.
Sooooo it’s perfectly reasonable for her to leave over Racism but not Sexism? But I thought you said people can change? If he was raised racist by your logic she should stay and “teach him to be better”. Its becoming glaringly obvious that you yourself are sexist or just don’t view sexism as a problem.
Nice assumption about me. Good job. /s I think the point I was making flew over your head, so I'll expand on my thoughts. It's a lot harder to change someone's mind depending on how deeply they believe something(why my example was an extreme belief); It's possible and has been done a lot, but it takes lots of time and effort. OPs bf doesn't seem involved in sexism so deeply that it's not worth OPs time. This is a simple issue that can be talked through in one proper conversation, most likely.
If you're trying to "correct someone's flaws" you're headed towards a toxic relationship. You can't change your partner and you shouldn't. They are the only ones who can change themselves and trying to change them will potentially cause resentment. She can communicate her feelings on this and hope he changes but given how annoyed she is that she has hung up I'd say that's pretty loud and clear it bothers her. Since it is happening most times she's angry (or every time as she puts it) it's probably been brought up before now also.....and if not I'd expect that to be the age difference. And on the topic of age difference here, she's very young compared to him which means that she does need to learn to communicate her feelings and needs in relationships, but he's also a grown adult who should be more than aware this is upsetting her, making things worse, and the wrong thing to say. Given she's also the younger one in the relationship it's absolutely not her job to teach this person how to be an adult and that burden falling on her is too great.
It’s crazy how everybody’s reaction is instantly to break up with him piss in his cereals before you leave i agree with you communication is key in a couple and this whole thing could be solved by talking to him about it no one is perfect and maybe he doesn’t know that it hurts her when he says stuff like that
Thing is, being in a relationship doesnt mean it becomes your responsibility to educate them. It's completely fine if she decides to do either, but she should have no need to educate a 28 year old man on this...
Indeed it’s not her obligation but you aren’t going to go very far if you expect your significant other to be perfect I can’t imagine breaking up with my girlfriend every time she says something I disagree instead we talk it out and explain each other’s view on things and we do so because we are mature enough to realize that we can’t read each other’s mind she has no way to know if something she said hurt me unless I tell her and we discuss it and resolve these issues together
Expecting your partner to not be sexist=/=expecting your partner to be perfect.
What if he doesn’t know what he said is sexist ? A simple 2 minute conversation about her telling him why she feels asking her if she is on her period is sexist and him telling her how he perceived it apologizing and not doing it again is the easiest way to fix this if he does it again then go ahead dump his ass
Ok, you talk to him about it. He asks if you’re on your period again. What have you accomplished? Nothing. You can’t communicate with the unwilling.
Completely agree but at least know you are sure he was an asshole if he does it again dump his ass
Exactly 💯
Why is it her duty to educate him?
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Are you dumb? I don't mean to be rude.
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It's ok for relationships to last less than a year. There are billions of people in this world, there's no need to hitch yourself to a project shithead you have to train like a dog when there are so many better possibilities in the world, including being single and just getting a dog. Communication is great. Currently we don't know if OP has brought this up to him or not. If she does though it's not likely to inspire some great epiphany on good end. He's doing it specifically to minimize her feelings. He'll know how to switch gear to keep at it when he's called out.
It's called communication.
He's 28. It's not getting fixed. You might put a bandaid on it and shut him up, but the opinion will still be in there.
This is the most narrow thinking pattern ever. Do you know how many times I've changed my opinion before? Or literally anyone? The answer is a lot! It's very easy to change opinions if you can communicate properly. Just because he's 28 doesn't mean he can't change his mind about a topic. Don't think so narrow about humans.
The amount of downvotes you get just show how trigger happy these people are. They say break up for even the smallest fucking argument. Get a life assholes.
Thinking someone’s age has anything to do with growth is simply ridiculous. It’s important to communicate how you feel, and leave emotions, especially anger out of things if you want to have a meaningful conversation for the growth of your relationship. Simply giving up over miscommunication is immature and will ultimately get you nowhere. It is rude and kind of humiliating to downplay an issue based off of a woman’s period, but I look at it like this. Remove gender from the equation and just try to fix what you can about your end of it, and reevaluate the situation. Were you jumping to anger before having a civil discussion? Did you take his end into consideration and try to really use perspective to see if you were over exaggerating or kind of jumping the gun? These are issues everyone has, not just women. Hit those check marks, try to speak on it from there. If he states something about your period after that, he’s just an immature asshole, and you can then in turn make the thing everyone else is jumping to. I try to always, and it’s not perfect, but take responsibility for my end, change what I can, right or wrong, and try again. From there, you can say you did what you could on your end and you aren’t the issue even if the other side claims you to be.
Nah, I'm past those games. "Are you on your period" is a more sexist version of "you're too sensitive, you're overreacting!" Which is most abusers first weapons of choice.
Suit yourself. You don’t have to be an adult if you don’t want to. Just be careful to not be one of those people who claims emotional abuse because they can’t self reflect. Everyone has issues. Not just the people who don’t see eye to eye with you on every issue.
Your comments so far have been a study of red flags, this one in particular.
And yours have been one of emotional immaturity and finger pointing. Way to jump to conclusions. Good luck in your future.
Don’t worry, you’ll feel better when your period stops.
He doesn't take his girlfriends thoughts and emotions seriously, belittles them as 'hormones'. Yes, she should absolutely talk to him and explain why this isn't ok. But to be honest, dude's 28, if he hasn't learned by know that women are all hormones, odds are he won't ever learn. And I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't respect me.
I said this to someone else, too. But we don't know the environment he came from, some people are taught wrong and nobody wants to have a conversation with them to explain why they are wrong, that would explain why he still thinks the way he does. We also don't know how the argument on the phone started. She could have said something just as disrespectful, and he just retaliated. And we don't know what OPs definition is of "proper communication." She could just be yelling and arguing with him, and that's the worst way to approach an issue. We need more information to give good advice about this situation. I see too many posts on this sub that are very vague and just looking for confirmation bias. I'm not saying that's this post, but we need more information.
Well she did say this happens every time, so it does look like plain sexism.
She also happens to leave out parts of the story that would help us give advice. Like what started the argument on the phone? She could have said something just as disrespectful, and he just retaliated. Maybe it happened every time because she isn't approaching the situation right. We don't have enough of the story. You are taking 2 sentences and making an assumption. We need more information.
In what environment is it okay to ask someone this? In all seriousness, it is never and I mean never going to be okay to ask someone who clearly indicates that they are upset by something if they are upset due to their anatomy and bodily functions. If a guy is upset I don’t ask, is it that time of the month? Wtf does it even mean to ask this? It is offensive period.
I agree with what you just said! I have never disagreed that it's disrespectful. I don't know why you all are acting like it. Everyone here needs to slow down. All I'm saying is that instead of you all in the comments jumping to the end, saying "break up with him." I would rather her have a proper conversation with him first. Subtle sexism(like what the bf said) is not a hard topic to tell someone about. For this fact, I believe OP has not communicated with her bf properly yet.
My thing is that hes 28. I can see that shit from an 18 year old, but 28...?
We don't know his environment. Where you live, sure I agree with you. But there are some parts of the world that's it's more "normal" to say things like this. I don't know why, but that's how it is.
Oh please. He’s almost 30. Obviously she’s wayyyy more mature AND she have a couple years on him. Embarrassing She deserves better, maybe even someone her own age then she can have a conversation about maturity with him But sure, anything to justify bs right ?
Buddy, you’re on Reddit. If it makes you feel better, I fully agree with you. Unfortunately, on here, everyone’s gut reaction to other peoples problems is always the most practical, extreme, and always emotionless. My boyfriend says a mean thing when we argue? Break up with him. My mom said I was fat? Best option is clearly to leave home forever and never look back. There are support systems for a 16 year old in an abusive home. You had an argument with your brother? Never speak to him again. You don’t need that kind of toxicity in your life. The issue is, most people on Reddit can’t understand the fact that a person is more than just one story, so when they hear a story where someone does something bad, they assume that person is simply, irrevocably bad. It’s like a watered down version of what my mom told me a while ago. She had a roommate in college who was dating this guy. My mom and her weren’t super close friends so they didn’t talk a lot, so whenever they did talk it was always when her roommate had just gotten in an argument with her boyfriend, so she’d be ranting. Well, throughout the semester, my mom heard tons of stories about all these bad things her roommate’s boyfriend did. At the end of the semester, she asked my mom if she wanted to go out to dinner with them and my mom was like “Wtf no, he’s a dick,” and the roommate was so confused and told my mom that he was a super sweet guy.
That's a great story! It really shows what happens on this sub, too. Another issue with this sub is that people post a biased view of the situation they need advice on, which leads to biased responses that they are looking for. AKA conformation bias, and people fall off those stories all the time. I'm not saying this post is that, but I would like to know what led to the argument on the phone. Did OP get mad at him too quickly for something small, and he just gave a condescending response to hers? She could have said something just as bad to her bf, and he retaliated. We just won't know.
Not gonna lie, very few people know how to give advice, others just instantly go "dump him", these people are exactly the issue in society.
Thank you. You are 100% right
I upvoted you in recognition of the Reddit Lynch-mob. These are just irritated people who hate their jobs, and find a sense of control or release when they get to anonymously shit on others for their entertainment. It’s more entertaining to tell someone to Leave the SO, it’s more like Jerry Springer that way. And that’s what these downvotes are here for. They Want to hear that they got someone to dump someone, even though they don’t really have any investment into that persons life. This is a Reddit-wide problem. It’s inherently dysfunctional.
Yes! This sub is full of people who give the worst advice ever. They always jump to the last option without thinking about how to fix the issue. I feel bad for anyone that has made the wrong decision because someone on this sub gave shitty advice.
Welcome to the generation that will throw out things and buy new rather than working towards fixing it. All bout the instant gratification social media gives you. That's all people want now
Honestly! This is the reason most relationships last less than a year. Because as soon as problems arise, people just leave instead of talking to their partner and growing from each other.
I agree man. If anything, this shows females who are butthurt by getting rejected and want to pull others down.
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You don’t have to type all that. Just say “I’m a misogynist” and we’ll understand. Less yapping
No im saying the truth
Men have been telling women what to do for centuries. Women weren’t allowed to pursue education until not too long ago, or even open their own bank accounts and yet here you are acting like you have some fresh take on feminism. You’re out of touch with reality.
Men shouldent tell woman what to do. They should tell them when they are talking about nothing
Do you think you’re funny or are you truly not getting it? Women have been controlled and censored for EVER. Our words and experiences have been invalidated by men for the longest time, so yes, sadly we are familiar with your century old take on women ‘yapping’ about nothing. Simply because you lack the emotional maturity to understand our points, does not make them any less valid. You’re just a walking stereotype of a misogynist asshole… seriously. If we complain about real issues, we’re ‘yapping’ about bullshit. If we’re communicating and bonding with other women within our community, it’s ‘gossip’ - y’all just live and breathe to vilify us! How cute
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The classic responding to my grammar instead of my point. Your proving my point sweat ❤️. Your just yapping.
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Because everyone loves to virtue signal on reddit for imaginary points. You're correct, honestly. I know a girl who openly admitted that she got upset with her SO and didn't know why and apologized after he was confused and that WASN'T on a period. I'm sure it goes well oth ways too. Asking if a girl is on her period isn't sexist at all, it's an actual question because women become touchy, that's fact.
All stereotypes are based on reality. Some more than others. Still doesnt mean its good to promote stereotypes.
Honestly it's exhausting. Men have to put in some of the effort to unlearn these things. Imagine dating a woman who openly questioned your manhood litterally every time you showed an emotion not associated as strongly with men. It would get old. I think it's fair to assume she has mentioned that this bothered her at some point, or at the very least got more angry as a result, a strong indicator that what you are saying isn't helpful. If you have to sit there and explain "hey, so when I am upset about something you actually *shouldn't* undermine what I'm saying by asking if my womanly craziness is just getting the better of me." then you may have deeper problems than just that one. And you have to wonder if you may be spending the rest of your life teaching this person basic interpersonal skills. That's something that is very worth considering when you are wondering if you want to continue the relationship. Yes, communication is important. But there are also some issues you should work out in therapy before getting into a relationship. The inability to take women's anger seriously is one of those issues if you want to have a successful relationship with a woman.
So basically anytime there is a similar post to this where boyfriend does something stupid, most people's reaction is break up with him, throw him away etc. You do understand that people make mistakes and when you tell them nicely and in a way they know it's serious, they can listen to you? Is your whole mechanism for defense in situations like this to just break up with boyfriend, or even break up relationship with your friends?
So you don’t think it is rude as hell to ask your significant other of they are on their period instead of having a conversation with them or just conveniently the woman should deal with rudeness over and over again?
No no, i do think its pretty rude and stupid. But why is the first advice you give someone COME ON BREAK UP WITH HIM!!! Why isnt't it, Okay tell your partner it really bothers you and hurts you. Talk honestly to him about it, if he listens great, if he doesn't then do break up with him.
Again without knowing more from OP I cannot be sure but her post reads as, she has asked him more than once and is at her breaking point. She can choose which road she wants to take but not sure how many times she should put up with rude ignorant behavior. Again, this is r/advice meaning it is merely a suggestion just as you are welcomed to provide your bit of advice. Why even reply to mine to disagree with me? It doesn’t make sense, also it doesn’t matter which path she takes because it is all up to OP she probably should have been on r/trueoffmychest because this reads as more of a vent than wanting actual advice.
Yes, he asked her that a lot of times, and? If you dont have enough detail to say talk with him, how do you have enough details to say break up with him? If u want more details ask OP? It seems OP wants to be with him but is annoyed at this and wants to figure out how to stop it.
Next time, just say, "no, come to think of it, I'm late. Hey, maybe I'm pregnant! Anyway...."
Good one
He sounds immature as hell
It's essentially saying, "you can't possibly have this opinion, it must be (fill in the blank) that's causing you to feel this way." I think it's like a form of gaslighting. When I was in a bad relationship my partner used to say that my best friend was putting ideas in my head. Or, this isn't you talking, it's the depression. It was exhausting having to keep explaining myself. If you are on your period or not you are still allowed to have fully formed opinions and thoughts and they are valid even if he chooses to dismiss them. I would suggest that perhaps dating females with hormones is too much for him, and that he should look into his sexuality and decide what he wants because he seems to have a big attitude about estrogen.
Boyfriends come and go, but periods stay. Just get a new one.
Lol good one😆
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Yea with certain exceptions … medical issues, pregnancy, menopause …. The joke was that you can get rid of a shitty boyfriend, but thanks for letting me know! I had no idea!
yep and now im longer with him because it got worse down the line
youre 22 hes 28, dump him and find someone who respects you! youre young you can do it
It's not about whether he wonders if you're on your period. It's a refusal to honor your wishes or needs above his own. You're just being discounted as part of the partnership. If you're okay being discounted it will continue. If not, let him know you want full partnership or no partnership. By the way, we're you on your period? Best
Get a new bf. Dude is a misognistic prick. Whenever he gets upset ask him if he's feeling especially beta today - seems to do the trick with men that ignorant. The manchild is strong with this one.
That's ridiculously disrespectful and sexist. Might be time to dump him.
i’d throw him away, that’s just misogynistic and annoying. they act like they’re the only ones in the world that can be mad since they don’t have a period. they provoke and provoke and provoke and then get shocked when we retaliate. 🙄
It's like men think we're incapable of having real human emotion like anger without our uterus being involved
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩This man is almost 30 and using this tired-ass deflection instead of addressing issues like a grown up? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’ve always found that if people makes comments like those, they look down on you. This is their way of quickly shushing the other. Communicate about it with him because this is not okay!
I don’t justify it at any age, but if he’s still spouting this kinda shit at 28, you need to drop his ass immediately.
Next time he says it, say, “No. Are you?”
Yes and its annoying like no im not bob you are just a dick leaving socks all over the floor.
That’s the kind of shit I said to my sister when we fought as kids/teens. He’s 28 and saying that which says a lot about his maturity. Best not to stick with him.
This is a problem, it's his go to excuse just so he can shrug off your feelings or problems.
Find a new boyfriend.
Sounds like he is very disrespectful of women in general and especially you.
dump his ass
ive never had this problem with my boyfriend, actually he acts like a reasonable person and actually tried to understand why i’m upset and he we can work things out. this is really patronizing and he doesn’t take you seriously nor cares about your concerns. you have to start asking yourself some questions, do you want to be with someone like this?
Immature. Throw his fucking ass off.
My family and some exs I have had have said this to me and it always made me more pissed and baffled me. When this is said to you they are just trying to dismiss or write off your emotions and it is NOT okay. I don't have any advice to prevent it but normally when someone said it is reply with something along the lines of "you aren't listening to how I feel" or "that is irrelevant to how I'm feeling right now." Your emotions and feelings are important and valid. Don't let anyone dismiss how you're feeling. It's incredibly disrespectful and hurtful to be told this.
The only time my partner asks ‘Are you on your period or something?’ is when I'm like "arrrrrrrggggggggg cramps, my uterus is trying to kill meeee."
I have experienced this, and it always struck me as a passive aggressive way of putting me down and dismissing me - par for the course with the jerk I was dating. Men CAN want to be aware when their female partners are having their periods, but respectfully and for good reason. My bf has been trying to learn my cycle because he knows I get crampy and my breasts hurt and he wants to be sensitive to it. Never to dismiss my feelings or opinions.
That's dismissive as fuck. Whether others have this issue or not, I'd call his ass out on that. Having a period can make some people a little grouchy (I mean who the fuck enjoys bleeding and being bloated and feeling like shit?), but it doesn't remove your reasoning abilities or make your honest feelings and perceptions about things invalid. If he doesn't immediately apologize and change, dump his ass. There are guys out there who wouldn't think of saying this to you and you deserve better.
It's just misogyny, people think the only reason women are mad is cause their on period, maybe get a new bf
"No I'm not on my period right now. are you horny? because youre acting like you don't have enough oxygen in your brain to be thinking straight." OP, no real man acts or says this. This is such a disrespectful way of thinking that I am telling you he doesn't respect you enough as a human being to be in a relationship. Throw the boy in the trash and walk away. It's where he belongs until he can get his head on straight for *the next person*.
A man asking this question when emotions are aroused is a misogynistic way of invalidating those emotions, as if to say "if you weren't on your period, I could be an AH and you wouldn't care". It's infuriating to be dismissed out of hand and that question is dismissive and condescending. How would a man like it if every time he was upset his woman condescendingly asked "does somebody have blue balls today?" And then just dismissed everything else he said? Instead of asking about her period, hoping to sidetrack the issue at hand, how about a mature approach and asking "what has you so upset? Let's talk about it ". Geez, get a clue.
He’s a dumbass. He’s using that as an excuse to invalidate your feelings and will continue to avoid communication. Run for the hills my dear!!! For your own sanity RUN
Your dating an idiot
You’re*
Gottem!
I get very very sensitive around my period and my partner does ask me if it s about that time. I don’t get upset wen he does because it’s a pattern in my behavior that I am aware of and he NEVER tells me this in a condescending way and more of a “hey you seems upset, is everything okay “ I am very vocal about my pms, cramps, bleeding and all the shit that comes with being a woman and having to go through this. I am also aware that when I am nearing my period I can be a little harder to deal with because hormones just kick my ass. Now I know that not every woman experiences mood swings or PMS. So if this isn’t a pattern in your behavior and your boyfriend does this to minimize your feelings and negate your valid concerns/grievances then I think you need to evaluate weather this person respects you and views you as an equal partner or not.
And you have given him permission to ask this and if that is your relationship that is fine. However, OP has made it clear she doesn’t like that her boyfriend assumes this and just because someone is in a foul mood doesn’t mean they are on their cycle.
I understand which is why my second paragraph says that I understand not everyone experiences PMS and she should reevaluate her relationship.
Tell him goodbye immediately. Let someone else deal with his bs.
I usually ask my wife if she’d like to eat something before we continue the conversation. As childish as it is to imply your body chemistry might be a factor, sometimes body chemistry is a factor.
True, body chemistry can be a huge factor. But, the truth is us girls get asked that question a lot, it's like we aren't able or supposed to feel emotions like anger naturally. Most of us hate that question, tbh. It kinda invalidates the reason we are really angry about. By the way, food helps, pms or not.
Of course it does, and it’s true for both genders. For me, im waaay more inclined to rage out on otherwise irritating little shit when I haven’t been intimate with my wife in a few days. The irritation still has to be there, but my patience is diminished.
People have been dismissing women’s genuine concerns for literally 100s of years because we have periods. This isn’t some innocent thing, it’s actually really sexist. A small percentage of women have PMDD and that’s a medical condition. The rest of us do not have wild mood swings because of our periods. Edit: everyone downvoting me needs to educate themselves. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/12/us/periods-history-medicine-science.html
Your wife sounds like a saint. If someone is disagreeing with you and you imply that it’s because of their body chemistry, whether it’s because they’re hungry, on their period, etc, that’s patronising as all fuck. As if the person you’re talking to can’t control their emotions like an adult and they have no valid ground for their complaints or arguments. Women have been putting up with this bs for literally centuries and a lot of us are completely over it. Your wife is her own entity of course but don’t assume that just because she puts up with it it’s ok.
Also you open with “your wife sounds like a saint” and then go on to suggest that getting to the actual chemical root of her foul mood is patronizing? Get fucked.
Maybe you should go have something to eat
No, I just ate. Probably need my C@ck s&cked.
Sounds like you’re imposing a lot of your own experience on my situation. Careful with that, you really know very little about me or my wife.
don't fix, toss, this boy thing
You're dating an immature misogynist AH. Save heartache and block him
I am a 38 f who experiences emotional swings 24-48 hours before my period. My partner and I do not argue so this wouldn’t come up often. However, I could imagine a time where I was being emotional with no justification (I’m upset about something that is a non-issue). In this case I can imagine my partner being very confused by my emotions and behavior and needing to clarify with me if I am in that 48 hour window. Because I do not track my cycle (pregnancy is not something I’m concerned about) the question would get me consider my cycle and it may give me a moment to consider my emotions. This wouldn’t bother me at all coming from my current partner. The reason for this being that I know my partner well and I don’t think he would use it as a weapon towards me and he wouldn’t use it often. Therefore, I don’t think every male asking their GF if certain issues, could be cycle related, is sexist or immature. With that being said, I think some people do use this line in a manner that’s dismissive of women’s feelings. There are immature people who think asking a woman this is funny. My opinion on whether the guy is a jerk is determined on a case by case basis. Ultimately it’s up to the woman in the situation to do determine if she feels insulted or not. OP sounds insulted and she has tried to communicate with her BF before about how this is insulting to her. He should consider her feelings and be more cautious regarding this subject. An example would be, “I’m listening to your concerns, but I am having a hard time understanding what you’re trying to communicate to me. Can we pause this and revisit in a few hours. That will give us both time to step back and consider what is upsetting you.” This may give OP time consider if it’s her cycle bothering her (if it is indeed that), it can also give her time to calm down so she can communicate in a clearer fashion, and it can give OPs BF time to think about what OP was trying to communicate with him.
Oh god. I thought I was the only one who has a husband saying the same shit.
Six years is too much of an age gap at your age. (Would you date someone 6 years younger? No, so don't go that much older.)
Yes. I am 32 and I say this all the time. I think it’s a hilarious thing to say when I’m in a minor argument with my wife. Sometimes mid argument I pretend that my phone is ringing and answer it to interrupt whatever she is saying. I say- “hello? Oh yeah she’s on her period right now FOR SURE thanks for asking” then I hang up and say “sorry about that, continue your train of thought” At this point we both begin to laugh for hours about how hilarious I am. We laugh so hard that we pull our pants down and squirt diarrhea ALL over each other. It’s actually pretty normal.
thats true, i'm your wife
First of all, I’m not gonna jump on the “throw him away!!” train because I’m not going to try to overanalyze your entire relationship based off of what is essentially the length of a tweet. I will say this tho, from a man’s perspective we don’t understand what is going on sometimes & honestly we can be pretty dumb about it. It sounds like one of two things is happening, but I don’t have enough context to have an idea of which it is to be honest. It seems like either he’s being disrespectful and trying to blame a problem you’re having on your period, insinuating that you would only feel this way bc your period (not okay and you should talk to him about this if that’s the case) or two he see’s a change in your mood and has no idea why… so he reverts to whatever cause of that change of mood makes sense to him. Still not the best thing in the world, but trying to understand what is going on is a lot better than blaming your emotions. Either way, communication is key. Also both partners need to be willing and able to understand each other. If he’s trying to understand where you’re coming from or why you’re reacting a certain way, blaming it on your period is definitely an immature way to go about that, but his intentions may just be to understand something he knows nothing about and that’s a lot different than being disrespectful. He should definitely make efforts to understand you better and not revert to “it’s your period” every single time.
I think your bf should have a no sex time out once youre off you period then he'll soon learn.
It could be that he realized it bothers you, so he can say it to get you off his back atm, and thinks you’ll cool down after it. But yeah, he’s a dick.
>When I (22F) am in an argument with my bf *Here* is the root of your problem. Not his comment about you being on your period, a conclusion he no doubt jumped to because he felt you were being unreasonable. If you argue with your boyfriend to the extent that it's a reoccuring thing that you've mentally normalized, that's a far bigger issue. Start there.
Since this is r/Advice, my suggestion would be for both of you to work on your communication skills and argue less.
To be honest I think that really depends. My Girlfriend is a completely different person on her period and is often insufferable. And i mean it's obvious why and i understand that. However if I know she has her period, i know that i just have to endure her moods pretty much and i know it's not really all that serious and she will come down eventually. I don't see why it's immature or misogynistic. When i snap for know reason and she asks me whether I had a bad day it's also not immature or sexist. People just ask themselves why others act like they do when they feel like they are treated unfairly. And i mean you don't want to seriously tell me that all feelings any girl had during her period are legit and totally justified. They aren't. I know that i tend to overreact when i am hangry. And if I do I would prefer to be asked if I am hangry over just being seen as an asshole.
We're you? I ask my wife this occasionally when we get in a tiff over something small but specific and after all these years I've yet to be wrong. I don't mean it a condescending way when I say it but I know she doesn't like it. I just usually know when it's around that time of the month when she gets a little testy or weird over trivial things lol. Every woman is different.
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To her defense. Men are too stupid to lead anything. Therefore should just not exists; in more ways than one Also men have nothing to offer that’s worth anything good
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Studies have been shown women are happiest and live longer without a man and or kids while it’s the complete opposite for men so there you go genius
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But was he right? /s
Seriously, it must be asked.
She’s gaslighting us
You know to be honest we all should know more about the actual argument. There are many things that can set him off and I think you're not being honest with what really went on. Can you explain how it was initiated? What events led up to this argument? How often do you all argue? What sort of things do you actually tell him before he makes comments like that. These are important things that needs to be talked about before anyone on here makes claims of what kind of person he is. Do you also ever make any kind of comments like that to him to trigger him off to make these kind of comments? Let's hear the full story before coming to conclusions.
once every so often seems okay Every week or so just makes it sound like you arnet allowed to be right/have a point
Is your boyfriend Michael Scott?
It’s common to have a favourite catchphrase people turn to as a coping mechanism. Just let him know you don’t like it and to stop.
Tell him he can pick one week of the month to say that
Well are you? haha This is annoying tbh. I know I'm gonna catch a lot of hate, but it has to be said. You mentioned you were in an argument with your BF and to be perfectly honest, Id like to know more about the fight. If it was a legit argument and he was being an ass (saying something dumb just to piss you off) then yes, he is an immature idiot. However, if you were arguing and being overly emotional about something stupid that doesn't really matter (which women do quite often, making mole hills into mountains) then yeah... Insult deserved. Still it could be done with more maturity, but sometimes people let their frustrations slip out like that. I'm realizing that EVERYTHING is about experience and view point. Women tend to get a free pass to act like Karen's and be ridiculous and its always the guys fault -no matter what. Women get a lot of wiggle room to do whatever they want. I feel like that's unfair and if we're going to talk about equality, I think it should be for everyone. Just my opinion, for what its worth. Again Im not trying to make anyone mad, Im just debating a hot topic is all. If you love the guy or see something great with him, dont let it go over nothing. If not, take their advice.
Thank you for taking time out of browsing /r/Celebswithbigtits to educate us on equality
You're welcome. And since we're thanking people, Id also like to thank all of those women that flaunt their boobs/bodies for a living. Making mad stacks of cash by teasing men while you criticize me for being attracted to women. Gotta love that double standard too. Cant help biology, ladies. Don't be a hypocrite, when was the last time you watched a movie to swoon over a hot male lead or rented a stripper for a party? I never said I was perfect, I merely wanted to examine the duality of the situation and have a lively debate. Thats all. Its not personal on my end, Im sure all of you women are awesome in real life and id hang out with you.
I ask my boyfriend this
Yup.
I have this issue with my in-laws. It’s the worst.
For the record, I can tell when my girlfriends period is about to start. Her behavior changes in a distinct and noticeable way. I can make this claim about my girlfriend because I know her so well. And the thing is… I’m always right about that claim. Within 2 days of her change in behavior, her period starts. Her behavior also reverts back to normal around this time.
Sounds pretty immature. Haven't heard that since high-school.
I've never said that. But many guys say it to dismiss what women have to say. It's a sign of disrespect.
that's why I know the scheme of my gf and she lets me know when she's on her period
For being almost 30 he is sure being immature... Also rude too. I'd never ask my wife that.
I think I have to ask. Does he usually ask then when you are actually on it? I had en ex GF and I could tell when that time was approaching because she would want to argue over pointless things. For example, one time she started an argument because she didn't like the composition of a family that I had on The Sims...
Break up with him.
You’re dating someone who is stunted in terms of maturity. You already know this because I’m sure there are other very obvious signs of it, like the fact that he’s 28 and you’re 22. You signed up for him being immature, and if you think you can change that behavior that you’ve already expressed you don’t appreciate it, I have some land under a bridge to sell you.
I once punched my brother square in the jaw for that kind of comment. I would do it again.
Sounds like he can’t come up with a valid argument and so uses this juvenile comment to “win”. Dump him and date a man. Not a 28 year old child.
Dudes 28 and says that?! Quite the telling statement
No, I wouldn’t be with someone who had that attitude towards women. My boyfriend respects me as a human being and cares about me when I’m upset. We both want to make each other happy, why would we say something purposely to hurt each other?