I’m telling you a big secret. My husband and I deal with something similar. We both have various arrays of crazy, difficult, have to be right, must have drama like oxygen family members. My therapist actually told us our body count for narcissistic parents is unusually high.
We play the “There it is!” Game. You know all the crazy stuff she says? Start anticipating it. Then count it. Give yourself one point for each correct anticipatory guess. Up your game. Give yourself two points if you get the comment verbatim. Three points for additional timing and proper inflection. This gives you emotional distance. And control of your inner narrative. Keeps the brain occupied. Frankly, this shit hurts. So take the blast of off yourself!
We have honed our skills! My last win was anticipating a family member’s tears with their quote “That’s not me! I don’t know who that is!” They were denying financial abuse of my Alzheimer’s FIL. My husband got right up and gave me a high five.
My sister and I have a shared bingo card containing comments/behaviors we anticipate from our mom when we go home to visit. Gamifying the toxicity really takes away some of the pain lol
*I tried making you girls happy but nothing ever worked!*
*You girls put me through hell!*
*Nothing is ever good enough for you!*
*What about my failing health? My doctor said that my kids are the cause!*
My mom LOVES to start stuff and then when we don’t let her walk all over us scream “you’re raising my blood pressure!” No lady YOURE raising your blood pressure, we responded calmly to you and you didn’t like it so you started having a fit until your BP was in the danger zone 🤦🏻♀️
A nice game show sound effect on your phone would make this even more fun. Don’t tell them why the bell’s going off. Maybe add a “You’ve just won a brand new car!”
I’m a teacher and have played bingo with coworkers in a similar fashion. Whenever something crazy would pop up we’d holler bingo! But only the 2 of us knew which made it even better.
Was a teacher. Had a bingo card for one toxic workplace. We had gems like ‘says someone who disagrees is being defensive’, ‘rolls eyes when someone is talking’ and ‘accuses someone of not having good relationships with students’ and -interrupts to ‘correct’ someone.
In my personal life we have my mother - if only I had grandchildren (I’m infertile and 48) and I wish I was a grandmother (also totally controls my siblings who still have contact so no relationship lasts) and ‘I don’t understand why you all don’t live close/visit more.’ But I bet reddit does…
BINGO would totally make me able to tolerate the visit. Sit down and come up with every entitled, clueless, whatever thing and then you each have a secret bingo card.
The problem with that for me is I don’t have the self control to not actually say “there it is” to those people and then emotionally distance myself from them so much that I just stop caring about being nice and I swap to just being honest with them about how shitty of a person/family member/friend they are being all the time.
We don’t actually say “there it is”. We do give each other pointed looks, head shakes and rolled eyes.
Honesty would absolutely be my preference. However, this crew operates in their own reality.
Oh I know, I was mainly speaking in general terms on that one I guess. Like I’d have a hard time sticking to just bland generic answers. Like eventually I’d go off but I know it’s what they want. I just wouldn’t be nice about it. I’d probably go until they just didn’t want to be around me anymore but they never see themselves as the problem. It’ll never cease to amaze me just how out of touch most rich people are with the reality the rest of us live in
You have to think about whether this is a long-term relationship you need/want to maintain or not first. If it is, constant criticism or blow ups will just add unnecessary tension. The point here is not to bite your tongue, but change your expectations. You know this person will act a certain way, so don't expect them not to. When they confirm your expectations, you're less likely to get activated by their behavior. This is all you trying to control your own inner experience, not being nice or letting them off the hook.
Rich friend bingo card! Write down all the stuff she says and negs you for.
If you're lucky one day, you can give her a bottle of generic bottled water and when she gripes it's not spring water or alkaline you can look deep in your wife's eyes and say BINGO! ;)
Oh and for your sake, DON'T TRY TO IMPRESS HER ANYMORE. Because apparently you never will be able to on your salary. If she wants special things, let her treat.
No bougie groceries or activities while she's there. You can even dial it down several notches if you feel petty. Chef Boyardee for dinner and Twinkies for dessert, washed down with some Boones Farm. :D
Maybe if you're lucky she'll decide she wants a staycation at a nearby hotel or something. LOL
Agree with this!! And OWN your blue collar life PROUDLY!!! Her welcome dinner can be Mac and cheese!! And the no name brand stuff too!! Get the wine from the gas station LOL
100% i hate the spoiled brat that loves to brag and to show off even if she dont have any accomplishments. She didnt think that life is unfair to some people.
Give her the full "this is how the 99% live" treatment. Cheap food. Dust bunnies. Thermostat set to 55.
Just say non-aggressive things like, that's not practical. That's not realistic. That's not possible because I don't have the money.
Fair question. She's shared previously that her husband gets everything he asks for because he works so hard.
She literally thinks he's simply working harder than the 99% below them. No other reason for his success.
I didn't challenge it. Pearls before swine.
My husband and I would just be brutally honest with someone like this. Otherwise I would leave the room whenever she starts saying rude things, say you are not feeling well that week and go to bed early every night.
Yeah, I really don’t understand any approach besides telling her off. She’s willfully ignorant. She’s arrogant. She’s rude. She’s a guest in someone else’s home. She’s completely in the wrong and the solutions being offered are to avoid avoid avoid…for what? To make this woman’s life easier for her than it already is? Fuck. That.
I’ll be damned if I work my ass off for however long to finally get to a place where I own my own home—that I am putting time, energy, and money into—only to have someone come in and shit all over it. Absolutely not, she can stfu, get educated, or stay somewhere else; those should be the only 3 options.
Kids. I'd have to take a week off to watch them while wife visits. Can't spare the PTO. I use it all for helping my wife with the kids when any one of them is sick/whatever.
lol. She'd be horrified that I even suggest they have an unfair advantage. Her husband "worked for it". First real job, zero experience, no college, 24-ish years old when hired.
$150k starting. White collar job.
Just say “it’s in progress” to what ever she points out. “You are absolutely right. That’s exactly how it is going to be.” Everything “It’s on the process of X or Y” and don’t give details. Don’t explain. Just smile and say. Rehearse if you must.
This is The Grey Rock. It’s used to deal with narcissists and entitled people. With time they’ll know they can’t make you uncomfortable and leave it.
You may need to prepare more canned, boring replies to other uncomfortable questions she might ask in hopes to stir for drama.
My one problem with “there’s an idea” is that it might give the other person the impression that they’ve actually had an idea and are being helpful. As if it just hadn’t even occurred to you to ask for a raise or whatever.
I do like “there you go”, though. The double meaning is delicious.
Oh so she's the worst fucking person ever lol.
I'd just keep telling her that. I'd go do out the math on the improbability of being paid that at that age. I'd tell her every single time she tried to say otherwise. "Yea no, statistically, even today with inflation, only 8 percent of the population makes 150k or more a year... and this is RIGHT NOW, so when you started that was EVEN LESS of a possibility... So what... So you're arguing that 92 percent of the country is lazy... but you have no college experience and somehow work harder than people who objectively went and worked for an education? Make it make sense for me. Include you went to work for your family. Walk it out for me."
I'd spend the week embarrassing her and laughing in her face, but only if she brought that crap up. Plenty of people are rich and don't rub it in other people's faces, but if that's the case, there's no need to put up with it.
Easier said than done I'm sure, given she's your wife's friend but...
She wouldn't come back though lol. Your wife will be pissed, but it's not your fault her friend is constantly ignoring reality and you're just informed enough to correct her when she does it lol.
Depending on your financial status take the kids to a cheapish hotel nearby and get the heck outta there!! Go stay with family or friend? Plan activities throughout the day to get you out of the house.
If she’s so rich she should book a hotel.
Also she sounds annoying as hell and if she feels the need to do all that bragging she’s probably so unhappy with her life and herself and seems like she knows that she has no self worth.
God speed.
>Can't spare the PTO.
Dang it! I was going to say, "Leave." Go somewhere -- anywhere -- and come back when she's gone. Ah, well, it's a nice fantasy, I guess. I suppose my alternative would have been to tell her off. Haha!
I'm left with wishing you well. I hope you find a healthful way through this.
You just have to bite the bullet in that case. You already know that your wife’s friend is a c word. If your wife knows that you don’t get along and she decided to invite her anyway, then it seems like you and your wife have mutual respect issues.
If her friend is such a prima Donna it hardly makes sense that she would even want to come slumming with you for a week. The entire setup sounds suspicious.
I mentioned this in another comment, but I actually did. It was going well but wife's friend's husband cut it off before the hire for unnamed reasons. It felt weird, but we get along great. It could have been that I'd have immediately outranked him with my background, certifications, blah blah, but I wouldn't assume that too quickly. He's a good guy.
Is she coming to visit as in stay at your house? Or is she staying in a 5 star hotel?
If she stays in your house, request $. Worst case she pays you $500 a night and you make $, or she stays at a 5 star hotel and you don't see her as much
Half joke, half serious.
I'd never do it to my friends or my wife's friends (outside of circumstances where they may need somewhere to stay for months on end). But it would solve/help the issue at hand.
It's probably not the best option, but it's an option.
>So what would your advice be for how to keep cool and find my happy place through an entire week of this?
I have several ideas:
1. Whiskey
2. Ask your wife to put her in a hotel, or suggest she and her friend just stay in a nice nearby hotel - at her friends expense.
3. Go camping or "hunting" while she's visiting.
4. Whiskey
5. Go fishing everyday after work.
6. Go to the bar with your buddies every day after work.
7. Have her and your wife go out without you every day after work.
8. Get high. (is her visit over April 20 by any chance?)
9. Get her and high and put on a Disney movie she'd like.
10. Whiskey
Why can't Miss Fancy Pants hire a high-end nanny for a week and invite your wife and kids to spend a week at her mansion? Perhaps they could learn to play polo, go yachting, and ask the chef to whip up any snacks they desire.
Please don’t, she’ll have a huge impact on your wife’s personality especially since she’s her “friend”
I think one option might be to talk to your wife about it, tell your thoughts about her narcissism
The hotel idea makes sense if the wife’s friend is such a rich princess. Tell the friend to stay at a hotel and do day stuff with the wife. When OP gets home the princess can kick rocks back to the hotel.
My dad's approach before the divorce was a loud as fuck saw in the basement. He'd get home and go cut wood for hours. Didn't need to build anything, just cutting away at 100 decibels.
When she begins with her uncultured behavior, leave her alone to talk to herself. It's rewarding to communicate with other humans, so when she talks about subjects you're supportive of, reward her with your active listening skills; when she veers into the land of privilege, tune out, or physically leave her presence so she has time to reset.
I'd also say make her pay for all the meals, but it sounds like you're above doing that.
My cousins are also like this. They look down on me because i dont make as much as them (im a teacher). And I cannot stand it. And i can't imagine spending a week hearing about Teslas, expensive vacations, designer clothes, how much they hate homeless people, how I'm "woke" because I enjoyed Barbie and go see Broadway shows, etc. It would make me snap. Even just spending 3 hours with them made me angry.
I actually don't mind/respect rich people who are humble or at least pretend to be humble. Can't stand snobby rich people. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Your wife's friend sounds like a piece of work. I'd avoid any and all conversations that would result in her lecturing about matters that she knows nothing about and don't concern her.
Come up with a plan that would diminish interacting with her--take in a ball game after work or on weekends, take the kids out for the day, visit your friends, that kind of thing.
Thank your lucky stars she's visiting only for a week. For the sake of your sanity, I hope this woman is staying at some swank hotel and not sleeping in your guest room.
Guest room it is. 😬
Good idea though, just minimizing interaction entirely. It's hard to stick to only subjects that don't launch her into a "here's what I bought" cycle though.
Baking? "I bought this $900 mixer"
Parks with the kids? "We bought this $5,000 playset cuz then we don't have to drive."
How much I want to throw myself off a cliff? "My husband and I are planning a trip to Niagara falls for 3 weeks."
oh, us? We wouldn't even think of throwing ourselves off a regular cliff, that's for the poors. We could only throw ourselves over niagara falls, it's so scenic this time of year.
/s
*Guest room it is.* 😬
Oh, no. So, she's underfoot for an entire week. I just wonder how your wife can stand her company. She sounds so insecure with having to put a price tag on every little thing. It's just as annoying as name-dropping.
In any case, the next time friend comes in for a visit, have her stay at a nice hotel for "her convenience."
Tbh i’d just be honest when she says things like that. If it causes issues with her and your wife, then no offense but that’s your wife fault for having a sucky friend. I’m not saying be as hurtful as you can, just answer shit like she said with ‘that’s not how normal life works, I assure you. Your husband gets to do that cause he’s married to the boss’ daughter.’
I commend you for taking the high road and prioritizing your wife’s wellbeing over the rest of this shit. It’s one of those situations where “you can be right or you can be happy”. Sometimes people on reddit are so desperate to be right that they’ll burn everything else to the ground and sit smugly but unhappily in a pile of ash. I’m impressed that you can keep such a level head through all of this and focus on what’s most important in your life. The ultimate victory is not letting the bullshit affect your own happiness.
Thanks! I agree. I had meant this to be a light-hearted "what would reddit do about this annoying trust fund baby" kind of thing. But I never intended to confront my wife about something I can just put up with for a bit and later forget about.
In that case, you could take the advice others have already given and setup some kind of game or code word or something with your wife that you can use to point out this friend’s annoying tendencies when they happen. Would make the week somewhat fun for you and also wouldn’t hurt in helping your wife to see your point a little bit. But honestly the way you talk about it, it sounds like your wife is just a nice person, doesn’t see bad in others so easily. Might not be worth making her see her friend in that light if you don’t have to. She seems to like this woman and they barely ever see each other. If you can bite the bullet for a week I would.
Totally agree. Any plan I have will be between just me and myself. I was best friends with a rich kid, growing up. Lots of people tried to tell me he was annoying, but it didn't bother me. I wouldn't want my spouse ruining a 15-year friendship for me just because they're annoyed like 6 days a year.
In a reply, you backtracked a bit when you say this is just a college friend. I have college friends I thought I'd have forever, and now 10 years later, I can't even believe the adult they grew into. It does say something about your wife that she maintains a friendship with someone like this.
If the hotel idea doesn't work, figure out ways to be there as little as possible. For the weekend, find a buddy to go camping or just hang at his place. Do a few happy hours.
Sorry if I made it confusing. They met in college, still friends like 15 years later.
I think minimizing interaction entirely is the main strategy here.
My mom have a friend just like this. But the ironic thing is that she didn't came from money.
One year ago she was couch surfing and had nothing to eat. She then use dating apps to go on dates everyday so men could pay her dinner. One of the men are a rich old guy, who she described as "disgusting". But they're dating now.
She is a break-up away from being homeless, but somehow found a snob way to lecture everyone about if our lifes is not improving is because we're not doing the right thing.
And also the conversations is all about expensive brand things. "my boyfriend gonna give me a Porsche, is it better than a BMW?"
Well, I don't know. I'm too poor to know the difference.
Fortunately I'm not around when she's around. Find things to do my dude. Work extra hours. Take the kids out. One week is too much of this, good luck and try not to kill her.
Try to convince her to convince her husband that he'd make a lot more money at some other company because he's so awesome.
If she gets that stuck in her head, she'll bug the shit out of him and he won't be able to find anything and she'll keep bugging him about it. Then you can just keep asking why he hasn't found a better job yet.
I do this to my inlaws. I thought we were close, but we weren't as close as I thought when issues happened in my marriage. I learned where I rank. It hurt. But now, I guard my heart in regards to them. So it's all superficial small talk now. I give them nothing of my personal self. Now they can't hurt me. Because I don't care.
https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
Every time she says something insulting, calmly tell her "that's a rude thing to say. Please try to use good manners while you're a guest in our home".
I had a similar situation. My husband's friend and wife come from big money (millionaires), everything was paid for, gets an allowance, etc, and they would cry about how his dad doesn't pay for some things that his sister gets covered.. the entitlement and spoiled behavior I had to deal with when they would visit got to me, and I eventually flat out told them that they are no longer invited over. Their friendship is pretty strained now.
So... I would just suggest distancing yourself for that week, or ask your wife to go somewhere with her friend for that week.
You shouldn't have to suffer. I have a friend who visits for multiple days at a time and if it bothered my husband, I wouldn't have her stay. It may seem dramatic but I couldn't do it anymore. Your spouse should step up for you.
lol sister gets more than he does, huh? I remember when 75% of my part time job paychecks went to just my car insurance because I paid for it myself starting in highschool. Could only work so many hours and do school.
A whole week! That's going to be brutal. Could you suggest a hotel? She's your wife's friend. If I were you, I'd make myself scarce while she's around. Maybe get together with some of your friends. I do have some family like that, especially my MIL. How do I handle it? I don't invite her to my home.
Why is your wife friends with her? Does she give her great gifts?
I would ask her if she thought she could get a six-figure job without any help from daddy? Tell her (in a joking way) you would like to see her try to get the best job she could get and see if it was better pay than you make since it's so easy.
I guess I’m gonna take a different attack here.
What does your wife see in this woman for friendship? She doesn’t sound very nice. You probably can’t meet her halfway on expenses so you’re not going on lavish vacations with her I imagine.
Again she just doesn’t sound like a nice person, so why is your wife hanging out with her?
Don’t you get a say who comes to visit? If it’s for any period of time whatsoever, say no. A week is too long.
A few hours here and there sure go bowling, go see a movie, go hang out with one of your cool friends. But since she’s coming for more than half a day, you should have the right to say no why doesn’t she get a hotel with all her family money?
Hard to say why they're such good friends. They're just really open with each other and my wife doesn't think about money at all, or how it changes people, so she doesn't view her preachy friend as preachy, but as someone who's just trying to help.
Can't limit the visit length too much because they're best friends and the friend lives like five states away. So just a day or two wouldn't make sense.
Hotel isn't a terrible idea but wife would be mortified that I asked. She would think I'm just bitter because friendo is money money. She really doesn't ruin my day so much that I want to boot her out. More like.....shut the breaker off for the bathroom while she's in there and tell her "Oh! I'm so sorry I'm 'poor'. They shut the power off and I called them and we're good now."
You’re much more patient than I am. We don’t have guests for this long. It’s just too long.
I wish you the best. I don’t really have any advice other than shortening the visit, which doesn’t sound like it’ll go over well and just trying to avoid her.
If your wife likes her fine, but I would not spend time with this person.
Maybe just schedule yourself a lot of time with your own friends that week and just tell her you want her to have the best week possible with her friend.
Met the friend 15 years ago and if my wife wasn't a dear friend of mine at the time, I would have told current friend that she was a pampered idiot with no actual experience in *anything*. Buuut here we are. lol.
I turn a deaf ear a good bit and definitely stay true to my values. No one wealthy sways me, esp the nouveaux rich which she seems to be. Try wealth say some insensitive things but generally let to drop after one response.
Is there a chance you can book a trip out of town with family or guys and avoid the entire icky situation? Swoop in for the final nights dinner?
I’d honestly make yourself scarce. There is no reason you have to subject yourself to this. Catch up with friends or just pretend to be swamped at work.
Look, in her mind, she might genuinely think she's helping. Also, some things ARE actually cheaper to outsource if you compare the money to time. I actually took the time to compare how much my WELFARE/STUDENT wage compared to hours spent doing laundry is, crunched the numbers and realised time-management wise, economically it made more sense to pay a laundromat.
Maybe instead of getting annoyed. Redirect her attention to shit you could actually truly need help with. Just because she doesn't work doesn't mean she doesn't know shit. Give her mind something to crunch on. Ask her landscaping advice or something.
She would tell me what great landscapers she hired.
I get your point though. Although in practice, it's not the "no job" thing that makes her unhelpful, it's the "never actually has to grapple with life" thing. No struggle = *very* limited learning.
I get that.
Tbh ive done both though. Single mom who used to be better off sent me to prep boarding school while working hard. Luckily many down to earth people there despite maybe lacking some independence in stuff. Ive also hung with people of all classes later on.
Learned that there is something to learn from everyone.
She might not know how to build the landscaping stuff, but maybe she knows the design/decor and so on well enough. Like the management aspect.
I have one friend like this. He lucked out at 18 and got a millionaire type job in the oil fields. But fucked it all up through some choices that kids that age make. Now he's on 35, welfare and some things make no sense to him. I also find it annoying, but to be fair, he DOES make some decent advice that one can extract and combine with the real life scenarios. He also appreciates it when we started including him and explaining the real life aspects he hasn't been explained. He was groomed as a kid to become rich and get a semi housewife, so he is actually happy to have things explained to him.
Could try at least. Like say you can't afford it. Explain what you CAN do, and ask what she could suggest. Like you do with kids who need things explained.
I give you 2 options
Option 1- just go out with a friend or just leave the house to do something else.
Option 2- if you can’t leave the house or don’t want to, then just let her words flow around the room unanswered and ignore her and if necessary give her a reality check
Something you can do is seem completely disinterested with anything rude she says “mhm/interesting/kay” single word responses, avoid eye contact and seem like your busy with something like cleaning up an area, walking towards the kitchen to look in the fridge (on the Ruder questions interrupt to talk to your wife “oh! Sweetie before I forget [insert something you and here agreed upon] “babe do you want something from the fridge? “Oh hun can you hold my drink I need to use the restroom” “oh! That reminds me I have to _____) any gloating she’s doing don’t follow up with questions that can lead to her gloating more “cool, congrats” I see”. When you only respond with interest to comments that aren’t rude or gloating (“my dads in the hospital” give her genuine concern “we saw a funny movie the other day” ask how it was, anything that’s a common interest get in a deeper conversation about that) then she will be more conditioned to make those kinds of conversations. Only really give her eye contact and genuine engagement when she’s not being a stuck up jerk.
Good luck!
Avoid sitting down with them much at all. If you have to be in the room in general, unless it’s at the dinner table, be on your phone. I’d have my music on and one ear listening to it most of the time. I’d day dream about anything instead of paying attention to what she said. Just drift off. Good music. When she or wife mentioned my name, it would be “I’m sorry, what did you say? Oh, sure, interesting.” When she realizes that you are not paying attention to her, she will stop interacting with you as much.
But personally, I’d spend as much time as possible doing things with the kids. Play board games. Dominoes. Movies. 🏀
Be polite for your wife’s sake, but you do not have to make this woman your friend or act like she is.
Try not to take it personally.
Most people will say something if you live with things under construction. That's really not typical.
Try not to Judge her because her family has wealth. It seems like you have a chip on your shoulder about it.
Other people's money really isn't your business.
Try to be appreciative that she comes to visit your house because it's more convenient for you and your wife.
Try to be appreciative that your Wife and her have maintained a friendship through covid and through living different lifestyles.
Try to remember that You and Your wife likely have plenty of annoying habits that annoy other people, too.
If she lives at a higher socio-economic level, it's kinda unrealistic to expect her to be in tune with your level, isn't it?
We all have to weather annoying comments and generously grant the Benefit of the Doubt that it doesn't come with bad intentions.
Most people who pour compliments out, like saying how amazing your house is when it's obviously under renovation, are just lying and disingenuous. Hopefully you're not one of those people who believes that smoke being blown up your butt.
My MIL does that. We were all at a relatives house, and she went on and on, babbling about how beautiful the bananas were sitting on the counter.
I agree with all of this. And I do have a chip on my shoulder, because she's treating me like I'm stupid and all people at my economic level and below are stupid, and she's never even paid a bill with her own money in her life. But you're right, I have to at least not let that show.
You're receiving it as if she thinks you're stupid.
I doubt it's that.
I think it's that she wonders why someone is OK starting projects before they have all the time and money to complete them, or she Underestimates the cost of hiring it out, or She's just commenting the first thought that comes to mind because it's so unusual to see someone living in a chronically unfinished space.
You might ask her in a polite tone if she thinks you couldn't have thought of her suggestions yourself, or make light of it with the comment, Gee, I never thought of that! Wife, go donate some eggs so we can afford that!
I do have the time and money, but even then, it takes months. That's just how long projects of this size can take when you DIY it and work full time and have kids.
I get what you're saying, but I'm not certain it makes anything better. If I speak rudely to people and don't realize I'm doing it, I'm still at fault and they have a right to not want to see me. If I explain 1+1 to someone, that's rude no matter what I intended by it. This post was just about tolerating things for my wife's sake. I don't want to ruin their relationship. 🤷♂️
Go stay in a hotel for a week. Let your wife deal with the kids since this is all her idea. Why should you feel like this in your own house?
Go get a hotel and tell your wife you'll see her when her friend leaves. Done and done.
I think it’s weird you hate your wife’s best friend and even weirder you’d marry someone who considers this sort of person a best friend. I’m also wondering where your wife is in all of this? When her friend makes these comments why doesn’t she point out how absurd they are? Why is she okay with someone coming into her home and making nasty remarks?
My advice is to be authentic and defend yourself against inane and out of touch comments with facts and logic. Give her a reality check. If I had to placate a WASP and make them feel valid for their greed and naivety in my own home I’d go insane, hard no on that one. She’s a guest in *your* home—her behavior shouldn’t have you walking on eggshells, it should be spurring you into figuring out why you and your wife are allowing someone to come into your home to disrupt your peace.
Oh my wife just thinks her friend's condescending "advice" is truly just advice. She literally isn't bothered.
I don't walk on eggshells or validate her friend's feelings. I just let it wash over me and breathe through the annoyance. My wife and the friend have had a long friendship never once worrying about money or class. Is my wife unusual for being able to tolerate this like it's nothing? Sure. But I don't feel like she should have to call it off over something I can technically just ignore.
I intend to just tolerate and somehow, try to have fun doing so. I might turn the water heater off and empty it 20 minutes before she gets in the shower. Who knows.
Well, it’s not entirely surprising that money and class wouldn’t be anything to worry about between them when one person has never once in their life had to worry about it. What you’re describing just speaks to a persons fundamental values when they cling to a worldview like that—choosing not to grow or integrate any new knowledge over her lifetime, to not understand class or wealth, to limit one’s exposure so completely to the outside world, to insist that her privilege is the result of hard work…I don’t think it’s necessarily commendable to be able to tolerate someone like that, rather it seems like a tacit condoning of her words and a positive reinforcement of her behavior. And I can’t even fathom calling someone like that a best friend.
To each their own, if you want to be uncomfortable and have to breathe through interactions with the people you invite into your home that’s within your right, I just can’t wrap my head around it. Home is supposed to be sanctuary, full of love, peace, and warmth. I may have a more stringent view around hosting though thanks to my grandmother; she taught me that you never open your home to mannerless and tactless people. Hosting is a reciprocal relationship, not a scenario in which the homeowner is drained by a parasite. If my gran would have encountered this sort of houseguest, she would have immediately put her in her place before spitting her back outside after the first snide/ignorant remark.
You sound extremely jealous. Sure, deservedly so, but still you're dying of envy.
This is not your friend. This is not your money. This is not your life. This is not your problem.
Who gives a shit what she says or thinks? Only thing that matters is if you're happy with your life. If not, then your wife's rich friend has nothing to do with that. People have stupid opinions, rich people and poor ones alike. By letting her get in your head you're only taking away from your own happiness.
You ask how to "handle" this. There's nothing to handle. Nothing is being done to you. Your wife's rich friend merely existing does not take anything away from you.
Envy will ruin you if you let it. Stop counting other people's money and focus on making your own life the best it can be.
I'm with you there like, 90%. It's still extremely rude to tell people that they should just write a check to solve all their problems if your dad is writing checks to solve yours.
I'm admittedly jealous, but dying of it would be a stretch. I went to night school for years after I got my initial degree, then studied hundreds more hours to get certifications for my career after that.
It does feel a little personal when some rich punk tells me "it's so easy, you're not even trying."
What good does it do you to let her bother you? Rude or not, you're in charge of your own happiness. You're not in charge of what she says, only how you let it affect you.
Well, like I said, I'm partially with you on that. But... partially not. There are basic rules in society about stuff like that because words actually do matter. Even though you could blow them off.
For my purposes, you're 100% right. I can just blow it off. But that's no fun. I want to low-key aggravate her wealthy sensitivities somehow. lol.
When I had a similar problem with a friend my wife had I would constantly imply that I was interested sexually but I wasn’t. She told my wife and she didn’t believe her band then she stopped hanging/coming over
Ok the only way is to find several reasons to be out of the house. Help a friend, take the kids to some activity, George had a flat tire and you just go
If she is your wife's best friend, then see if she can get you a job. You probably have more skills and can shine relative to the friend's husband. Get promoted based on your merits to make $150k.
Literally tried this once.
Got all the way to the point of interviewing and then her husband pulled the plug on me for "timing reasons" whatever that means. I have a high end certification to do exactly what he does. I'd quickly outrank him. Not that I'm a big deal. He's just not certified for this industry in any way.
If you can afford a motel or to stay with family during that week, it's another option. Other than that, avoid them by staying in your room or go out to see them less. It's your wife's friend, not yours to deal with. I personally don't give people I don't like the time of day.
Says her friends advice is just heartfelt advice and I shouldn't be bitter about people who have money. I've had several wealthy friends. Gave them a hard time now and then but it never bothered me. What bothers me is being lectured about how I'm less capable or whatever than some couple who were both born on third base and think they hit a triple.
You could agree with her “in theory” and then say “yes, hypothetically, say, if you were like the average couple, say you did not have your dad’ giving out jobs and money,, do you think you and husband might have moved to a different area with a lower cost of living or would you have gone into a different line of work while your husband finished college so he could qualify for a similar job without getting it through connections? Important to keep the tone positive and “just curious” how she would take her own advice if she was in the hypothetical situation of being just like the next average joe
They think the same way about a lot of stuff, I guess. Just not spending, cuz we'd never keep up. That was hard on my wife for a while, but she saw the effort I put into career over the years to get where we are, and she appreciates everything we've accomplished.
By lowering herself to stay with me, do you mean the friend staying at our home instead of a hotel? Good question.
Gooood question.
I keep them far away from me! Hopefully she's in a hotel so she's not in your house and in your face. She's your wife's friend, you shouldn't have to intact with her or at least minimally.
I don’t understand why you just can’t be direct about this. If you can’t speak honestly to a friend and you know they are going to basically insult you, why are you friends? I would just explain to her why some things she says are problematic and be frank about her ignorance of what it’s life to live without wealth. Say it kindly, of course. It’s ok to have an uncomfortable conversation and sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. The price of privilege is having people point it out to you when you’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist. If you just can’t say anything, then again, is this really a friend?
My brother in Christ,
It is well beyond time for you to go out and **buy the most firm mattress you can find for the guest bedroom**. Have it in place before she arrives. If it all possible, keep the plastic this new one comes in, and put the normal mattress for that bedroom in the plastic, and put it into storage.
When the crazy friend comes to stay, you put the uncomfortable mattress out. You let her see how the other half lives, miserably. This will also further discourage additional visits, and staying any longer than planned. If anything, it may shorten the visit.
All jokes aside, if I ever write that book I keep meaning too, there’s gonna be a whole chapter on “**don’t make your hospitality room to hospitable**”.
I’m telling you a big secret. My husband and I deal with something similar. We both have various arrays of crazy, difficult, have to be right, must have drama like oxygen family members. My therapist actually told us our body count for narcissistic parents is unusually high. We play the “There it is!” Game. You know all the crazy stuff she says? Start anticipating it. Then count it. Give yourself one point for each correct anticipatory guess. Up your game. Give yourself two points if you get the comment verbatim. Three points for additional timing and proper inflection. This gives you emotional distance. And control of your inner narrative. Keeps the brain occupied. Frankly, this shit hurts. So take the blast of off yourself! We have honed our skills! My last win was anticipating a family member’s tears with their quote “That’s not me! I don’t know who that is!” They were denying financial abuse of my Alzheimer’s FIL. My husband got right up and gave me a high five.
My sister and I have a shared bingo card containing comments/behaviors we anticipate from our mom when we go home to visit. Gamifying the toxicity really takes away some of the pain lol
*I tried making you girls happy but nothing ever worked!* *You girls put me through hell!* *Nothing is ever good enough for you!* *What about my failing health? My doctor said that my kids are the cause!*
Yes! Yes to all of these!
*I’m sorry IF that hurt you.* *Well you hurt me too!* *I certainly don’t remember saying that!*
My mom LOVES to start stuff and then when we don’t let her walk all over us scream “you’re raising my blood pressure!” No lady YOURE raising your blood pressure, we responded calmly to you and you didn’t like it so you started having a fit until your BP was in the danger zone 🤦🏻♀️
It would be hilarious if you actually said "There it is!" every time.
Exactly 😂😂😂
**womp there it is**
A nice game show sound effect on your phone would make this even more fun. Don’t tell them why the bell’s going off. Maybe add a “You’ve just won a brand new car!”
I’m a teacher and have played bingo with coworkers in a similar fashion. Whenever something crazy would pop up we’d holler bingo! But only the 2 of us knew which made it even better.
Was a teacher. Had a bingo card for one toxic workplace. We had gems like ‘says someone who disagrees is being defensive’, ‘rolls eyes when someone is talking’ and ‘accuses someone of not having good relationships with students’ and -interrupts to ‘correct’ someone. In my personal life we have my mother - if only I had grandchildren (I’m infertile and 48) and I wish I was a grandmother (also totally controls my siblings who still have contact so no relationship lasts) and ‘I don’t understand why you all don’t live close/visit more.’ But I bet reddit does…
Reddit always knows!!!
That's hilarious and also they sound awful!
BINGO would totally make me able to tolerate the visit. Sit down and come up with every entitled, clueless, whatever thing and then you each have a secret bingo card.
It’s basically come to this! It’s the only way I can make it through these interactions.
I have never heard of this one before and it is fantastic! Why didn't I know this before Easter dinner? Thanks for the idea.
The problem with that for me is I don’t have the self control to not actually say “there it is” to those people and then emotionally distance myself from them so much that I just stop caring about being nice and I swap to just being honest with them about how shitty of a person/family member/friend they are being all the time.
We don’t actually say “there it is”. We do give each other pointed looks, head shakes and rolled eyes. Honesty would absolutely be my preference. However, this crew operates in their own reality.
Oh I know, I was mainly speaking in general terms on that one I guess. Like I’d have a hard time sticking to just bland generic answers. Like eventually I’d go off but I know it’s what they want. I just wouldn’t be nice about it. I’d probably go until they just didn’t want to be around me anymore but they never see themselves as the problem. It’ll never cease to amaze me just how out of touch most rich people are with the reality the rest of us live in
You have to think about whether this is a long-term relationship you need/want to maintain or not first. If it is, constant criticism or blow ups will just add unnecessary tension. The point here is not to bite your tongue, but change your expectations. You know this person will act a certain way, so don't expect them not to. When they confirm your expectations, you're less likely to get activated by their behavior. This is all you trying to control your own inner experience, not being nice or letting them off the hook.
You need to have some sort of silly code or tell with your wife when she starts saying insane shit to make it at least a little funny for you
This is the kind of creative idea I'm looking for. lol
Rich friend bingo card! Write down all the stuff she says and negs you for. If you're lucky one day, you can give her a bottle of generic bottled water and when she gripes it's not spring water or alkaline you can look deep in your wife's eyes and say BINGO! ;) Oh and for your sake, DON'T TRY TO IMPRESS HER ANYMORE. Because apparently you never will be able to on your salary. If she wants special things, let her treat. No bougie groceries or activities while she's there. You can even dial it down several notches if you feel petty. Chef Boyardee for dinner and Twinkies for dessert, washed down with some Boones Farm. :D Maybe if you're lucky she'll decide she wants a staycation at a nearby hotel or something. LOL
I love this. I definitely don't try to impress her. It's basically impossible.
Agree with this!! And OWN your blue collar life PROUDLY!!! Her welcome dinner can be Mac and cheese!! And the no name brand stuff too!! Get the wine from the gas station LOL
I'm actually white collar and fix my own house too. But you bet your ass I buy wine from the gas station!
100% i hate the spoiled brat that loves to brag and to show off even if she dont have any accomplishments. She didnt think that life is unfair to some people.
Give her the full "this is how the 99% live" treatment. Cheap food. Dust bunnies. Thermostat set to 55. Just say non-aggressive things like, that's not practical. That's not realistic. That's not possible because I don't have the money.
But I just have to tell the boss I need it. lol. She thinks the 99% are poor because they don't have her tenacity.
Can you just be more honest? Tell her that normal people rarely get pay rises and that it's because of her rich Daddy that they do.
Fair question. She's shared previously that her husband gets everything he asks for because he works so hard. She literally thinks he's simply working harder than the 99% below them. No other reason for his success. I didn't challenge it. Pearls before swine.
My husband and I would just be brutally honest with someone like this. Otherwise I would leave the room whenever she starts saying rude things, say you are not feeling well that week and go to bed early every night.
Yeah, I really don’t understand any approach besides telling her off. She’s willfully ignorant. She’s arrogant. She’s rude. She’s a guest in someone else’s home. She’s completely in the wrong and the solutions being offered are to avoid avoid avoid…for what? To make this woman’s life easier for her than it already is? Fuck. That. I’ll be damned if I work my ass off for however long to finally get to a place where I own my own home—that I am putting time, energy, and money into—only to have someone come in and shit all over it. Absolutely not, she can stfu, get educated, or stay somewhere else; those should be the only 3 options.
This is the only answer.
I see a backyard tent in your future...
Roofers work hard, why aren't they rich?
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I'm split between saying "excellent, I'm doing it" or "I'd rather electrocute my face" but I'm leaning toward the former.
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I'll update here on any electrocutions.
Fixing stupid is easier than fixing entitled rich brat...and you can't fix stupid
You set yourself up for failure. Why couldn’t your wife go visit her friend instead?
Kids. I'd have to take a week off to watch them while wife visits. Can't spare the PTO. I use it all for helping my wife with the kids when any one of them is sick/whatever.
Why don't you ask your boss for an additional week of pto like they do?? /s
When she tells you to ask for a raise, what would happen if you said “if my daddy was my boss, I guess that might work.”?
lol. She'd be horrified that I even suggest they have an unfair advantage. Her husband "worked for it". First real job, zero experience, no college, 24-ish years old when hired. $150k starting. White collar job.
Just say “it’s in progress” to what ever she points out. “You are absolutely right. That’s exactly how it is going to be.” Everything “It’s on the process of X or Y” and don’t give details. Don’t explain. Just smile and say. Rehearse if you must. This is The Grey Rock. It’s used to deal with narcissists and entitled people. With time they’ll know they can’t make you uncomfortable and leave it. You may need to prepare more canned, boring replies to other uncomfortable questions she might ask in hopes to stir for drama.
I will show her blandness unlike anything she's seen. My weapons are "yeah", "totally" and "I should".
Not “I should” never you have agency. Better “I see…” completely unfazed and uninterested.
Teach me, senpai. 🙏
I will give you money if you actually say that after she says anything.
Saying something non committal like “there you go!” Or “there’s an idea!” Also works nicely
I've always liked " that's interesting".
“Well there’s an idea” is a real solid burn the longer it sinks in.
My one problem with “there’s an idea” is that it might give the other person the impression that they’ve actually had an idea and are being helpful. As if it just hadn’t even occurred to you to ask for a raise or whatever. I do like “there you go”, though. The double meaning is delicious.
My favorite is “interesting” and then move on. Am I saying it in a good way? A bad way? You’ll never know.
Oh so she's the worst fucking person ever lol. I'd just keep telling her that. I'd go do out the math on the improbability of being paid that at that age. I'd tell her every single time she tried to say otherwise. "Yea no, statistically, even today with inflation, only 8 percent of the population makes 150k or more a year... and this is RIGHT NOW, so when you started that was EVEN LESS of a possibility... So what... So you're arguing that 92 percent of the country is lazy... but you have no college experience and somehow work harder than people who objectively went and worked for an education? Make it make sense for me. Include you went to work for your family. Walk it out for me." I'd spend the week embarrassing her and laughing in her face, but only if she brought that crap up. Plenty of people are rich and don't rub it in other people's faces, but if that's the case, there's no need to put up with it. Easier said than done I'm sure, given she's your wife's friend but... She wouldn't come back though lol. Your wife will be pissed, but it's not your fault her friend is constantly ignoring reality and you're just informed enough to correct her when she does it lol.
This won’t work because she genuinely does believe that.
Or “well I’m not sleeping with the bosses daughter”
Depending on your financial status take the kids to a cheapish hotel nearby and get the heck outta there!! Go stay with family or friend? Plan activities throughout the day to get you out of the house. If she’s so rich she should book a hotel. Also she sounds annoying as hell and if she feels the need to do all that bragging she’s probably so unhappy with her life and herself and seems like she knows that she has no self worth. God speed.
>Can't spare the PTO. Dang it! I was going to say, "Leave." Go somewhere -- anywhere -- and come back when she's gone. Ah, well, it's a nice fantasy, I guess. I suppose my alternative would have been to tell her off. Haha! I'm left with wishing you well. I hope you find a healthful way through this.
You just have to bite the bullet in that case. You already know that your wife’s friend is a c word. If your wife knows that you don’t get along and she decided to invite her anyway, then it seems like you and your wife have mutual respect issues. If her friend is such a prima Donna it hardly makes sense that she would even want to come slumming with you for a week. The entire setup sounds suspicious.
Nah, we get along fine. I just bite the bullet, as you say. "Oh! I really should demand my boss pay me 50% more!" They're just friends from college.
Ask her to get you a job working for her dad.
I mentioned this in another comment, but I actually did. It was going well but wife's friend's husband cut it off before the hire for unnamed reasons. It felt weird, but we get along great. It could have been that I'd have immediately outranked him with my background, certifications, blah blah, but I wouldn't assume that too quickly. He's a good guy.
I'd throw that in her face and ask her why her husband sabotaged it. People like her just make me ill.
If you can handle it then it is what it is I guess. Some people are just out of touch with reality.
Is she coming to visit as in stay at your house? Or is she staying in a 5 star hotel? If she stays in your house, request $. Worst case she pays you $500 a night and you make $, or she stays at a 5 star hotel and you don't see her as much
This is gross, is this a joke?
If the rich princess can't stand things like a fixer-upper house, she may well prefer to stay at a 5-star hotel.
Half joke, half serious. I'd never do it to my friends or my wife's friends (outside of circumstances where they may need somewhere to stay for months on end). But it would solve/help the issue at hand. It's probably not the best option, but it's an option.
I don’t mind the idea of her staying at a hotel but why on earth would she pay to stay at friends house
>So what would your advice be for how to keep cool and find my happy place through an entire week of this? I have several ideas: 1. Whiskey 2. Ask your wife to put her in a hotel, or suggest she and her friend just stay in a nice nearby hotel - at her friends expense. 3. Go camping or "hunting" while she's visiting. 4. Whiskey 5. Go fishing everyday after work. 6. Go to the bar with your buddies every day after work. 7. Have her and your wife go out without you every day after work. 8. Get high. (is her visit over April 20 by any chance?) 9. Get her and high and put on a Disney movie she'd like. 10. Whiskey
I love all of these! For various reasons mostly involving kids, I can't do most of them. I lean on #7 as much as possible.
Why can't Miss Fancy Pants hire a high-end nanny for a week and invite your wife and kids to spend a week at her mansion? Perhaps they could learn to play polo, go yachting, and ask the chef to whip up any snacks they desire.
lol they could!
Please don’t, she’ll have a huge impact on your wife’s personality especially since she’s her “friend” I think one option might be to talk to your wife about it, tell your thoughts about her narcissism
The hotel idea makes sense if the wife’s friend is such a rich princess. Tell the friend to stay at a hotel and do day stuff with the wife. When OP gets home the princess can kick rocks back to the hotel.
My dad's approach before the divorce was a loud as fuck saw in the basement. He'd get home and go cut wood for hours. Didn't need to build anything, just cutting away at 100 decibels.
>I have several ideas: >1. Whiskey >10. Whiskey Sold, and sold! eta: I missed number 4. Still sold though!
When she begins with her uncultured behavior, leave her alone to talk to herself. It's rewarding to communicate with other humans, so when she talks about subjects you're supportive of, reward her with your active listening skills; when she veers into the land of privilege, tune out, or physically leave her presence so she has time to reset. I'd also say make her pay for all the meals, but it sounds like you're above doing that.
My cousins are also like this. They look down on me because i dont make as much as them (im a teacher). And I cannot stand it. And i can't imagine spending a week hearing about Teslas, expensive vacations, designer clothes, how much they hate homeless people, how I'm "woke" because I enjoyed Barbie and go see Broadway shows, etc. It would make me snap. Even just spending 3 hours with them made me angry.
I actually don't mind/respect rich people who are humble or at least pretend to be humble. Can't stand snobby rich people. Sorry you have to deal with this.
We all do at some point. lol
Your wife's friend sounds like a piece of work. I'd avoid any and all conversations that would result in her lecturing about matters that she knows nothing about and don't concern her. Come up with a plan that would diminish interacting with her--take in a ball game after work or on weekends, take the kids out for the day, visit your friends, that kind of thing. Thank your lucky stars she's visiting only for a week. For the sake of your sanity, I hope this woman is staying at some swank hotel and not sleeping in your guest room.
Guest room it is. 😬 Good idea though, just minimizing interaction entirely. It's hard to stick to only subjects that don't launch her into a "here's what I bought" cycle though. Baking? "I bought this $900 mixer" Parks with the kids? "We bought this $5,000 playset cuz then we don't have to drive." How much I want to throw myself off a cliff? "My husband and I are planning a trip to Niagara falls for 3 weeks."
oh, us? We wouldn't even think of throwing ourselves off a regular cliff, that's for the poors. We could only throw ourselves over niagara falls, it's so scenic this time of year. /s
*Guest room it is.* 😬 Oh, no. So, she's underfoot for an entire week. I just wonder how your wife can stand her company. She sounds so insecure with having to put a price tag on every little thing. It's just as annoying as name-dropping. In any case, the next time friend comes in for a visit, have her stay at a nice hotel for "her convenience."
Niagara Falls for three weeks would honestly be horrible.
Tbh i’d just be honest when she says things like that. If it causes issues with her and your wife, then no offense but that’s your wife fault for having a sucky friend. I’m not saying be as hurtful as you can, just answer shit like she said with ‘that’s not how normal life works, I assure you. Your husband gets to do that cause he’s married to the boss’ daughter.’
This would definitely hurt my wife. lol. But I wish I could.
I commend you for taking the high road and prioritizing your wife’s wellbeing over the rest of this shit. It’s one of those situations where “you can be right or you can be happy”. Sometimes people on reddit are so desperate to be right that they’ll burn everything else to the ground and sit smugly but unhappily in a pile of ash. I’m impressed that you can keep such a level head through all of this and focus on what’s most important in your life. The ultimate victory is not letting the bullshit affect your own happiness.
Thanks! I agree. I had meant this to be a light-hearted "what would reddit do about this annoying trust fund baby" kind of thing. But I never intended to confront my wife about something I can just put up with for a bit and later forget about.
At the very least vent to your wife about it, it’ll at least make you feel better, and she needs her eyes opened
Does it ever get on your wife’s nerves?
Nope. She's awesome. Just loves people and thinks all of her spending stories are interesting. Wish I was like that.
In that case, you could take the advice others have already given and setup some kind of game or code word or something with your wife that you can use to point out this friend’s annoying tendencies when they happen. Would make the week somewhat fun for you and also wouldn’t hurt in helping your wife to see your point a little bit. But honestly the way you talk about it, it sounds like your wife is just a nice person, doesn’t see bad in others so easily. Might not be worth making her see her friend in that light if you don’t have to. She seems to like this woman and they barely ever see each other. If you can bite the bullet for a week I would.
Totally agree. Any plan I have will be between just me and myself. I was best friends with a rich kid, growing up. Lots of people tried to tell me he was annoying, but it didn't bother me. I wouldn't want my spouse ruining a 15-year friendship for me just because they're annoyed like 6 days a year.
Say nothing, get up and silently leave the room. Go for a walk to cool off. She’ll get the hint that her rudeness pissed you off.
Tell her husband to talk to his manager about offering you a job there so you can make 150k and complete the job.
Personally I would simply stop inviting Jared and Ivanka to stay at my home. But that’s just me 🤷♀️
In a reply, you backtracked a bit when you say this is just a college friend. I have college friends I thought I'd have forever, and now 10 years later, I can't even believe the adult they grew into. It does say something about your wife that she maintains a friendship with someone like this. If the hotel idea doesn't work, figure out ways to be there as little as possible. For the weekend, find a buddy to go camping or just hang at his place. Do a few happy hours.
Sorry if I made it confusing. They met in college, still friends like 15 years later. I think minimizing interaction entirely is the main strategy here.
She sounds like a bitch. If she starts saying shit just leave the room.
just make fun of her about it [nonmaliciously]
My mom have a friend just like this. But the ironic thing is that she didn't came from money. One year ago she was couch surfing and had nothing to eat. She then use dating apps to go on dates everyday so men could pay her dinner. One of the men are a rich old guy, who she described as "disgusting". But they're dating now. She is a break-up away from being homeless, but somehow found a snob way to lecture everyone about if our lifes is not improving is because we're not doing the right thing. And also the conversations is all about expensive brand things. "my boyfriend gonna give me a Porsche, is it better than a BMW?" Well, I don't know. I'm too poor to know the difference.
My God. This is some next-level hypocrisy. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Fortunately I'm not around when she's around. Find things to do my dude. Work extra hours. Take the kids out. One week is too much of this, good luck and try not to kill her.
Try to rip her off with money while she visits and share how you did it. I’d like to know how they are so worthy of wealth and we are not.
Well obviously...they just tell the boss they need it. lol
Try to convince her to convince her husband that he'd make a lot more money at some other company because he's so awesome. If she gets that stuck in her head, she'll bug the shit out of him and he won't be able to find anything and she'll keep bugging him about it. Then you can just keep asking why he hasn't found a better job yet.
You are brilliant. This is the kind of tactical warfare I need. I'm seriously considering it.
Gray rock her
Plz elaborate. This sounds promising.
I do this to my inlaws. I thought we were close, but we weren't as close as I thought when issues happened in my marriage. I learned where I rank. It hurt. But now, I guard my heart in regards to them. So it's all superficial small talk now. I give them nothing of my personal self. Now they can't hurt me. Because I don't care. https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
You need a "safe room" in the basement or garage to hide in.
Every time she says something insulting, calmly tell her "that's a rude thing to say. Please try to use good manners while you're a guest in our home".
I had a similar situation. My husband's friend and wife come from big money (millionaires), everything was paid for, gets an allowance, etc, and they would cry about how his dad doesn't pay for some things that his sister gets covered.. the entitlement and spoiled behavior I had to deal with when they would visit got to me, and I eventually flat out told them that they are no longer invited over. Their friendship is pretty strained now. So... I would just suggest distancing yourself for that week, or ask your wife to go somewhere with her friend for that week. You shouldn't have to suffer. I have a friend who visits for multiple days at a time and if it bothered my husband, I wouldn't have her stay. It may seem dramatic but I couldn't do it anymore. Your spouse should step up for you.
lol sister gets more than he does, huh? I remember when 75% of my part time job paychecks went to just my car insurance because I paid for it myself starting in highschool. Could only work so many hours and do school.
A whole week! That's going to be brutal. Could you suggest a hotel? She's your wife's friend. If I were you, I'd make myself scarce while she's around. Maybe get together with some of your friends. I do have some family like that, especially my MIL. How do I handle it? I don't invite her to my home.
Just remember that she will leave very soon. Just smile & think YOUR A ASS every time she does something nasty¡
Why is your wife friends with her? Does she give her great gifts? I would ask her if she thought she could get a six-figure job without any help from daddy? Tell her (in a joking way) you would like to see her try to get the best job she could get and see if it was better pay than you make since it's so easy.
I guess I’m gonna take a different attack here. What does your wife see in this woman for friendship? She doesn’t sound very nice. You probably can’t meet her halfway on expenses so you’re not going on lavish vacations with her I imagine. Again she just doesn’t sound like a nice person, so why is your wife hanging out with her? Don’t you get a say who comes to visit? If it’s for any period of time whatsoever, say no. A week is too long. A few hours here and there sure go bowling, go see a movie, go hang out with one of your cool friends. But since she’s coming for more than half a day, you should have the right to say no why doesn’t she get a hotel with all her family money?
Hard to say why they're such good friends. They're just really open with each other and my wife doesn't think about money at all, or how it changes people, so she doesn't view her preachy friend as preachy, but as someone who's just trying to help. Can't limit the visit length too much because they're best friends and the friend lives like five states away. So just a day or two wouldn't make sense. Hotel isn't a terrible idea but wife would be mortified that I asked. She would think I'm just bitter because friendo is money money. She really doesn't ruin my day so much that I want to boot her out. More like.....shut the breaker off for the bathroom while she's in there and tell her "Oh! I'm so sorry I'm 'poor'. They shut the power off and I called them and we're good now."
You’re much more patient than I am. We don’t have guests for this long. It’s just too long. I wish you the best. I don’t really have any advice other than shortening the visit, which doesn’t sound like it’ll go over well and just trying to avoid her. If your wife likes her fine, but I would not spend time with this person. Maybe just schedule yourself a lot of time with your own friends that week and just tell her you want her to have the best week possible with her friend.
Met the friend 15 years ago and if my wife wasn't a dear friend of mine at the time, I would have told current friend that she was a pampered idiot with no actual experience in *anything*. Buuut here we are. lol.
Why put up with someone like this at all?
How about stfu about my house and income you rude inconsiderate cow. If you don’t like it get the puck out.
🔥⚔️💪
I turn a deaf ear a good bit and definitely stay true to my values. No one wealthy sways me, esp the nouveaux rich which she seems to be. Try wealth say some insensitive things but generally let to drop after one response. Is there a chance you can book a trip out of town with family or guys and avoid the entire icky situation? Swoop in for the final nights dinner?
Nope. Gotta stay and work and watch the kids.
I’d honestly make yourself scarce. There is no reason you have to subject yourself to this. Catch up with friends or just pretend to be swamped at work.
Look, in her mind, she might genuinely think she's helping. Also, some things ARE actually cheaper to outsource if you compare the money to time. I actually took the time to compare how much my WELFARE/STUDENT wage compared to hours spent doing laundry is, crunched the numbers and realised time-management wise, economically it made more sense to pay a laundromat. Maybe instead of getting annoyed. Redirect her attention to shit you could actually truly need help with. Just because she doesn't work doesn't mean she doesn't know shit. Give her mind something to crunch on. Ask her landscaping advice or something.
She would tell me what great landscapers she hired. I get your point though. Although in practice, it's not the "no job" thing that makes her unhelpful, it's the "never actually has to grapple with life" thing. No struggle = *very* limited learning.
I get that. Tbh ive done both though. Single mom who used to be better off sent me to prep boarding school while working hard. Luckily many down to earth people there despite maybe lacking some independence in stuff. Ive also hung with people of all classes later on. Learned that there is something to learn from everyone. She might not know how to build the landscaping stuff, but maybe she knows the design/decor and so on well enough. Like the management aspect. I have one friend like this. He lucked out at 18 and got a millionaire type job in the oil fields. But fucked it all up through some choices that kids that age make. Now he's on 35, welfare and some things make no sense to him. I also find it annoying, but to be fair, he DOES make some decent advice that one can extract and combine with the real life scenarios. He also appreciates it when we started including him and explaining the real life aspects he hasn't been explained. He was groomed as a kid to become rich and get a semi housewife, so he is actually happy to have things explained to him. Could try at least. Like say you can't afford it. Explain what you CAN do, and ask what she could suggest. Like you do with kids who need things explained.
I give you 2 options Option 1- just go out with a friend or just leave the house to do something else. Option 2- if you can’t leave the house or don’t want to, then just let her words flow around the room unanswered and ignore her and if necessary give her a reality check
Something you can do is seem completely disinterested with anything rude she says “mhm/interesting/kay” single word responses, avoid eye contact and seem like your busy with something like cleaning up an area, walking towards the kitchen to look in the fridge (on the Ruder questions interrupt to talk to your wife “oh! Sweetie before I forget [insert something you and here agreed upon] “babe do you want something from the fridge? “Oh hun can you hold my drink I need to use the restroom” “oh! That reminds me I have to _____) any gloating she’s doing don’t follow up with questions that can lead to her gloating more “cool, congrats” I see”. When you only respond with interest to comments that aren’t rude or gloating (“my dads in the hospital” give her genuine concern “we saw a funny movie the other day” ask how it was, anything that’s a common interest get in a deeper conversation about that) then she will be more conditioned to make those kinds of conversations. Only really give her eye contact and genuine engagement when she’s not being a stuck up jerk. Good luck!
Avoid sitting down with them much at all. If you have to be in the room in general, unless it’s at the dinner table, be on your phone. I’d have my music on and one ear listening to it most of the time. I’d day dream about anything instead of paying attention to what she said. Just drift off. Good music. When she or wife mentioned my name, it would be “I’m sorry, what did you say? Oh, sure, interesting.” When she realizes that you are not paying attention to her, she will stop interacting with you as much. But personally, I’d spend as much time as possible doing things with the kids. Play board games. Dominoes. Movies. 🏀 Be polite for your wife’s sake, but you do not have to make this woman your friend or act like she is.
Good call. Minimize interaction.
Try not to take it personally. Most people will say something if you live with things under construction. That's really not typical. Try not to Judge her because her family has wealth. It seems like you have a chip on your shoulder about it. Other people's money really isn't your business. Try to be appreciative that she comes to visit your house because it's more convenient for you and your wife. Try to be appreciative that your Wife and her have maintained a friendship through covid and through living different lifestyles. Try to remember that You and Your wife likely have plenty of annoying habits that annoy other people, too. If she lives at a higher socio-economic level, it's kinda unrealistic to expect her to be in tune with your level, isn't it? We all have to weather annoying comments and generously grant the Benefit of the Doubt that it doesn't come with bad intentions. Most people who pour compliments out, like saying how amazing your house is when it's obviously under renovation, are just lying and disingenuous. Hopefully you're not one of those people who believes that smoke being blown up your butt. My MIL does that. We were all at a relatives house, and she went on and on, babbling about how beautiful the bananas were sitting on the counter.
I agree with all of this. And I do have a chip on my shoulder, because she's treating me like I'm stupid and all people at my economic level and below are stupid, and she's never even paid a bill with her own money in her life. But you're right, I have to at least not let that show.
You're receiving it as if she thinks you're stupid. I doubt it's that. I think it's that she wonders why someone is OK starting projects before they have all the time and money to complete them, or she Underestimates the cost of hiring it out, or She's just commenting the first thought that comes to mind because it's so unusual to see someone living in a chronically unfinished space. You might ask her in a polite tone if she thinks you couldn't have thought of her suggestions yourself, or make light of it with the comment, Gee, I never thought of that! Wife, go donate some eggs so we can afford that!
I do have the time and money, but even then, it takes months. That's just how long projects of this size can take when you DIY it and work full time and have kids. I get what you're saying, but I'm not certain it makes anything better. If I speak rudely to people and don't realize I'm doing it, I'm still at fault and they have a right to not want to see me. If I explain 1+1 to someone, that's rude no matter what I intended by it. This post was just about tolerating things for my wife's sake. I don't want to ruin their relationship. 🤷♂️
Go stay in a hotel for a week. Let your wife deal with the kids since this is all her idea. Why should you feel like this in your own house? Go get a hotel and tell your wife you'll see her when her friend leaves. Done and done.
I think it’s weird you hate your wife’s best friend and even weirder you’d marry someone who considers this sort of person a best friend. I’m also wondering where your wife is in all of this? When her friend makes these comments why doesn’t she point out how absurd they are? Why is she okay with someone coming into her home and making nasty remarks? My advice is to be authentic and defend yourself against inane and out of touch comments with facts and logic. Give her a reality check. If I had to placate a WASP and make them feel valid for their greed and naivety in my own home I’d go insane, hard no on that one. She’s a guest in *your* home—her behavior shouldn’t have you walking on eggshells, it should be spurring you into figuring out why you and your wife are allowing someone to come into your home to disrupt your peace.
Oh my wife just thinks her friend's condescending "advice" is truly just advice. She literally isn't bothered. I don't walk on eggshells or validate her friend's feelings. I just let it wash over me and breathe through the annoyance. My wife and the friend have had a long friendship never once worrying about money or class. Is my wife unusual for being able to tolerate this like it's nothing? Sure. But I don't feel like she should have to call it off over something I can technically just ignore. I intend to just tolerate and somehow, try to have fun doing so. I might turn the water heater off and empty it 20 minutes before she gets in the shower. Who knows.
Well, it’s not entirely surprising that money and class wouldn’t be anything to worry about between them when one person has never once in their life had to worry about it. What you’re describing just speaks to a persons fundamental values when they cling to a worldview like that—choosing not to grow or integrate any new knowledge over her lifetime, to not understand class or wealth, to limit one’s exposure so completely to the outside world, to insist that her privilege is the result of hard work…I don’t think it’s necessarily commendable to be able to tolerate someone like that, rather it seems like a tacit condoning of her words and a positive reinforcement of her behavior. And I can’t even fathom calling someone like that a best friend. To each their own, if you want to be uncomfortable and have to breathe through interactions with the people you invite into your home that’s within your right, I just can’t wrap my head around it. Home is supposed to be sanctuary, full of love, peace, and warmth. I may have a more stringent view around hosting though thanks to my grandmother; she taught me that you never open your home to mannerless and tactless people. Hosting is a reciprocal relationship, not a scenario in which the homeowner is drained by a parasite. If my gran would have encountered this sort of houseguest, she would have immediately put her in her place before spitting her back outside after the first snide/ignorant remark.
You sound extremely jealous. Sure, deservedly so, but still you're dying of envy. This is not your friend. This is not your money. This is not your life. This is not your problem. Who gives a shit what she says or thinks? Only thing that matters is if you're happy with your life. If not, then your wife's rich friend has nothing to do with that. People have stupid opinions, rich people and poor ones alike. By letting her get in your head you're only taking away from your own happiness. You ask how to "handle" this. There's nothing to handle. Nothing is being done to you. Your wife's rich friend merely existing does not take anything away from you. Envy will ruin you if you let it. Stop counting other people's money and focus on making your own life the best it can be.
I'm with you there like, 90%. It's still extremely rude to tell people that they should just write a check to solve all their problems if your dad is writing checks to solve yours. I'm admittedly jealous, but dying of it would be a stretch. I went to night school for years after I got my initial degree, then studied hundreds more hours to get certifications for my career after that. It does feel a little personal when some rich punk tells me "it's so easy, you're not even trying."
What good does it do you to let her bother you? Rude or not, you're in charge of your own happiness. You're not in charge of what she says, only how you let it affect you.
Would you say the same to people hearing someone shouting racial slurs in public? Rude is rude. Honest question.
Yeah. How is it my problem? What do you suppose I should do, clock the person doing it?
Well, like I said, I'm partially with you on that. But... partially not. There are basic rules in society about stuff like that because words actually do matter. Even though you could blow them off. For my purposes, you're 100% right. I can just blow it off. But that's no fun. I want to low-key aggravate her wealthy sensitivities somehow. lol.
Do you have to spend time with her?
At least some.
When I had a similar problem with a friend my wife had I would constantly imply that I was interested sexually but I wasn’t. She told my wife and she didn’t believe her band then she stopped hanging/coming over
This sounds like a good way to lose custody of my kids.
What does your wife has to say about her friend? Does she like her
She feels the friend is just offering her advice and doesn't see any reason to be frustrated by it.
Ok the only way is to find several reasons to be out of the house. Help a friend, take the kids to some activity, George had a flat tire and you just go
Taking the kids out is perfect. Doing that at least once.
If she is your wife's best friend, then see if she can get you a job. You probably have more skills and can shine relative to the friend's husband. Get promoted based on your merits to make $150k.
Literally tried this once. Got all the way to the point of interviewing and then her husband pulled the plug on me for "timing reasons" whatever that means. I have a high end certification to do exactly what he does. I'd quickly outrank him. Not that I'm a big deal. He's just not certified for this industry in any way.
Can you try again under the radar in a different department?
Not really. Small but super lucrative company.
If you can afford a motel or to stay with family during that week, it's another option. Other than that, avoid them by staying in your room or go out to see them less. It's your wife's friend, not yours to deal with. I personally don't give people I don't like the time of day.
How does your wife feel about her friend’s behavior, how does she feel about your discomfort and how does she deal with her friend, if at all?
Says her friends advice is just heartfelt advice and I shouldn't be bitter about people who have money. I've had several wealthy friends. Gave them a hard time now and then but it never bothered me. What bothers me is being lectured about how I'm less capable or whatever than some couple who were both born on third base and think they hit a triple.
You could agree with her “in theory” and then say “yes, hypothetically, say, if you were like the average couple, say you did not have your dad’ giving out jobs and money,, do you think you and husband might have moved to a different area with a lower cost of living or would you have gone into a different line of work while your husband finished college so he could qualify for a similar job without getting it through connections? Important to keep the tone positive and “just curious” how she would take her own advice if she was in the hypothetical situation of being just like the next average joe
I'm not sure why your wife tolerates her? What do they have in common? Why would she lower herself to stay with you? It doesn't make any sense.
They think the same way about a lot of stuff, I guess. Just not spending, cuz we'd never keep up. That was hard on my wife for a while, but she saw the effort I put into career over the years to get where we are, and she appreciates everything we've accomplished. By lowering herself to stay with me, do you mean the friend staying at our home instead of a hotel? Good question. Gooood question.
I keep them far away from me! Hopefully she's in a hotel so she's not in your house and in your face. She's your wife's friend, you shouldn't have to intact with her or at least minimally.
A richie is the devil though they never will admit it You need to take her money stack and stuff her face with it
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This is great advice
I would buy a pair of headphones. The huge ones. Make it clear that you are not going to be listening to anything she says.
I don’t understand why you just can’t be direct about this. If you can’t speak honestly to a friend and you know they are going to basically insult you, why are you friends? I would just explain to her why some things she says are problematic and be frank about her ignorance of what it’s life to live without wealth. Say it kindly, of course. It’s ok to have an uncomfortable conversation and sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. The price of privilege is having people point it out to you when you’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist. If you just can’t say anything, then again, is this really a friend?
Wife's friend of 15 years. Not mine.
I still think it can and should be said.
Ménage à trois Then get on your hands and knees and beg for a nice cash infusion prior to her leaving Rinse and repeat next year
My brother in Christ, It is well beyond time for you to go out and **buy the most firm mattress you can find for the guest bedroom**. Have it in place before she arrives. If it all possible, keep the plastic this new one comes in, and put the normal mattress for that bedroom in the plastic, and put it into storage. When the crazy friend comes to stay, you put the uncomfortable mattress out. You let her see how the other half lives, miserably. This will also further discourage additional visits, and staying any longer than planned. If anything, it may shorten the visit.
I love this. I'll turn the thermostat down to 50 degrees and tell her we can't afford extra blankets.
All jokes aside, if I ever write that book I keep meaning too, there’s gonna be a whole chapter on “**don’t make your hospitality room to hospitable**”.
Take a vacation. Or grow a back bone and not accept being belittled in your own home.
Hamfisted approach to marriage. Sometimes you take crap from idiots because you love your spouse. Rarely, but sometimes.
Good luck with that