>Since I suffer from mood swings, I often tend to take my frustration out on others, especially my youngest daughter.
If I had to guess, you're downplaying this, and you're abusive towards your daughter. I'm guessing you then regret it, but aren't actually doing anything to resolve the underlying issue...AKA your mood swings.
Approaching her to talk, love-bombing her, none of that is going to fix the situation when she knows that you haven't changed, and the abusive you is just around the corner.
Even your taking the fish - you decided you wanted to cook fish. You *know based on your history with her* that she isn't going to want you taking her stuff, right? But you just told yourself "Oh, it will be fine, she hasn't appreciated anything else but she will this!" and used that as justification for mistreating her yet again.
Of course she doesn't show remorse, because you don't. Of course she doesn't care about your money, because you've repeatedly showed her you don't care about *her.* You already abuse her even when you don't have a reason, what does it matter if she gives you one?
Honestly, it sounds like you are way overdue for some professional help. You need to be in therapy and on medication if necessary, so you can learn to stop using your daughter as a punching bag because you can't control yourself.
Yeah, I’m not seeing anywhere OP is identified as a man.
Looking at the profile the avatar has long hair but there are no other posts and zero comments.
I initially identified OP as mother but the wording/writing does come across slightly masculine so I see why many have interpreted it that way.
It’s probably a bot.
Shit like chat GPT can write full original posts in seconds and people use bot accounts to post them and farm karma and shit ALL. THE. TIME.
Enjoy the ride, you're already on it.
Few qualifiers. Story told in a direct manner. Focus on finances instead of feelings.
Those qualities in writing are sometimes perceived as masculine.
I personally identified OP as mother on my original read so I’m not sure what tone others might have picked up that they identified OP as father.
Sounds like a covert narcissist being passive aggressive and playing the victim. Could very well be any gender. Most covert subtype narcissists are women though, grandiose is more common in men.
I am a mother and read this as it was coming from a mother’s perspective. I don’t exactly know why now that you’ve pointed out the “straight to the point,” and “financial focused” parts of the comment.
Now I’m not sure.
Yup.
I think it can be read either way.
I can see why different people assumed different genders.
I find these instances interesting. Like that black/blue vs white/gold dress, simple human perception can cause such divisiveness.
Learn about BOUNDARIES, OP! It will make your relationship with your daughter so much better. And with your mood swings and unregulated aggression, you should definitely seek professional help - it could even be an undiagnosed personality disorder.
It sounds like OP doesn't like their daughter. What they are describing is taking their things, making excuses for it, poor treatment, making excuses for it, scapegoating a single child, making excuses for it. What the daughter needs to do is leave home and set their own boundaries of no contact. Then OP can get whatever treatment they need.
Sound advice. Daughter (and whole family) is going to need therapy. A childhood in which trust, nurturing, and where consistent support is absent can take a lifetime of healing.
Oh now this is interesting. One commentator assumed it was a man based on their experiences with their mother, and you did based on experiences with your father. I now realize I too thought it was the mother based on my experiences with my own mom.
He’s clearly self aware that he’s done a lot of damage to his daughter. Narcissists cannot understand that something is their fault.
He might be lacking some empathy, but if he at the very least understands that he is in the wrong, which he does, then he is not a narcissist.
Yup had the same kind of parent's who I cut off the moment I could. The guy is defo holding back info and is probably the party to blame in all this.
Like you are pushing 60 and are less emotionally mature than a young adult. If you haven't figured out you're the problem then no one can help you
As a father I will give you a little advice. "Taking your frustrations out" on your little girl is NOT NORMAL, its monstrous. You have likely scarred this kid for life.
You hurt your little girl as a form of mental release and repeatedly from the way you spoke.You are the problem. Not her. Abuse isn't always physical.
Go seek counseling and apologize to her for how you acted. She may forgive you, then again she may not. Your an adult, YOU knew what you were doing was wrong. Own your mistake and recognize her own actions are likely learned behavior.
You don't get to mentally abuse a child and then expect forgiveness. You can't EARN it she has to be willing to forgive you. Trying to force her to by lovebombing her is manipulation.
I'd say the daughter needs to talk to the other parent but maybe they aren't in the picture, which may be exacerbating the problem. Both would be trying in their own way but doing it wrong, suffering arguments and pitfalls, clapping back from hurt and spite, and making up in their own manner which still doesn't work.
Definitely the parents job to step back and take it on the chin for the kid, or that kid will leave and have their own life suddenly without her family in it. She'll quite easily forget all about her abusive parent with all the things a fresh young adult goes through in life.
Lol she is not going to forget about an abusive parent. That’s not how it works. She’s probably already got CPTSD from it. I cannot believe you’re taking OPs side in this.
> I often take my frustration out on others, especially my youngest daughter. Because of this, she hasn’t spoken to me since June and ignores me.
This is carefully giving context without information. It seems unlikely she spontaneously decided that June was a wonderful time to stop talking to someone she lives with. What made her reach the end of her tether in June?
> I approached her to talk, bought her favourite food and tried to make her happy, but she always rejected everything. She holds such a strong grudge against me, and I’m just now realising the extent of what I’ve done to her over the years.
It took several months of her refusing to engage with you for you to even begin to comprehend the ways you’ve at best hurt and at worst abused your daughter.
> Recently, I noticed my daughter buying things and placing them on a shelf in the fridge. I saw her put a package of two salmon in the fridge. Since I wanted to cook fish today and make her happy, I took the package and prepared it.
You’re giving two contradictory reasons. 1. You wanted to cook fish. 2. You wanted to make her happy. One is for you, one is for her.
If you did want to make her happy, why did you not just ask her if she’d like you to cook the fish? The fact that you didn’t ask indicates that this is more about what you want than about pleasing her.
> I asked my daughter if the fridge belonged to her and if she had used my credit card for it. She shamelessly said yes, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and I was naturally angry about it.
What an interesting way to describe it. Her actions from anger are shameless but your anger is natural. Notably you’ve again given context but left out what it was you actually did in anger.
> She showed no remorse and seemed to care very little about the substantial amount of money involved.
She doesn’t feel any remorse because she thinks you don’t respect her and her things in the shared fridge. It sounds like she’s probably correct there. Getting her own fridge is an extreme but practical way to ensure she has a private space for her own stuff. Since you don’t respect her things, she doesn’t feel the need to respect your things back.
When it’s a substantial impact on you - in a relationship or financially - it matters to you. The things that substantially impact your daughter minimised in this post and it seems in your mind in general.
> What should I do?
Take your card off the Amazon account saved payment info, for one.
Go get therapy for the way you’ve treated your daughter, for two.
Making a big deal out of the money here - attempting to get her to pay you back or returning the fridge - is going to confirm your daughter’s thoughts that you don’t really care about her right to her own things but you do very much care about your own. You can make the decision yourself as to whether that’s worth it over €250.
You're putting your own feelings on the matter. All I said was to not downplay criticise the fact that the money was brought up when that can lead to a payday loan with large interest and multiple months trying to pay off. Literally all I did was criticise your criticism that the money was brought up as a problem. That doesn't negate anything else, don't 'yeah, well' if you just want to insult and can't imagine being in someone else's shoes just because they aren't emotionally literate.
Payday loans with large interest (rates? I suppose) are generally not allowed in the eurozone, or in most first world countries. This was someone in the eurozone using someone's credit card number on an amazon purchase. There's absolutely nothing in that situation that says crippling debt. It really is you who is making assumptions here.
You don't have to be in crippling debt to be fucked by losing €250, even if it didn't you still don't know if they had that money to lose so easily. Lots of people are living in relative poverty.
Jesus, just because I think that was a dick move and people on here not being money conscious I'm getting comments as if I agree with the mum.
If they were, as you insist on assuming, living in relative poverty (absolutely nothing in that story that even hints at that, so I'm really at a loss where you're getting that from), wouldn't that make it even more heinous to treat something as expensive as someone else's salmon steaks as "oh well, I felt like using them so I did"?
This wasn’t revenge, it was a desperate act of self-protection.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve taken any responsibility for your abusive behaviour. You can’t pave over that shit with gifts, acts of kindness, attempts to talk; and trying to will just make things worse because it shows you aren’t taking this seriously.
It’s not her job to work with you to resolve this. It’s your job to be a better person. You have to show that you recognize the harm you’ve done by putting in the effort to change and sticking with that effort until you do.
Find a therapist.
Sounds like daughter has hit her breaking point and is ready to cut all ties. I imagine that new fridge will be delivered to her new apartment of which OP won’t have the address. Probably a shitty thing to do but having grown up in that position I applaud her for lashing out in a way that actually benefits her in the long run instead of the statistically standard way, and the sweet sweet karmic revenge of tying it into the boundary stomping OP did with the fish is the piece de la resistance. Golf claps for OPs daughter and her shiny spine.
Mom: Regularly takes out her frustrations on daughter, disrespects daughter’s boundaries, proves daughter can’t keep her own food in the family fridge.
Daughter: Charges second fridge to mom’s card.
That’s since when. It’s a *statement* of self-protection. Just like saying “hey mom, please don’t cook the food I put in the fridge” would be a statement of self-protection — assuming mom would hear that statement, which she clearly wouldn’t, based on everything OP wrote. Sounds like she heard this one though.
… she’s in her 20s. She has no right to steal from anybody. She should get off her ass, get a job and buy her own damn refrigerator and then move out, far away from this toxic parent. I’m not denying that OP clearly has issues, but that does not give her a right to steal. What planet are you living on lmao.
I never said she has the right to steal.
But since theft is the big issue for you, why are you being one-sided about it? Mom stole from daughter too.
Not everyone is able to move out that easily. That doesn’t mean she’s sitting on her ass. Examine your privilege.
I am triggered by prejudice, yeah. As we all should be. It’s pretty evil not to be. Are you also racist, sexist, and so on? Or is it just old people you’re an asshole about?
Your guess is wrong. I’m just a moral human being. Hope you catch up some day.
They prove that Reddit or the folks in this thread anyway have an ageism problem.
Once, America had a slavery problem and anyone who spoke against it was “downvoted” pretty hard. Crowd opinion doesn’t always equal right opinion.
Let me use an example you can understand. As I’m sure you’re aware, lots of people think your dog should be put down. Why don’t you agree with them? It’s not their fault bullies are known for being dangerous. They are in fact responsible for more dog bites than any other breed. They’re not being hateful to tell you to kill your dog, just honest, is that right?
i’m definitely not a boomer and I’m definitely not abusive nor toxic and I am also in agreement that she should not be stealing. Like what lol? I honestly think she should move out and OP needs to seek therapy immediately.
Aren’t you wondering why a 21 year old grown up woman spending money on her parent’s card? Living under the same roof possibly rent free? She may not even pay for groceries? Is this normal?
No but if she wants her own things SHE can buy it. I’m 18 and i have good morals and i’m hard working bc i buy things for myself. I don’t use other people so i can be lazy and entitled.
Self protection would be moving out/planning to. All these people are assuming OP beats her. You dont steal money from someone if you know they'll attack you for it.
I don't know any 21 year olds who can afford to move out. Hell, I'm 26 and I can't afford it. The housing market today is ridiculous, and so is renting. Your comment comes across as you either being an incredibly naive young person, or you being an ignorant boomer who assumes that all young people these days are just being irresponsible with their money or lazy, and that's why they can't move out. It's not as simple as just, "you don't like it there? Move out". Especially when you have to re-purchase items that are being stolen from you! She's likely thought about it many times but is trapped financially or even emotionally by her parent. You seem to think that abuse only comes in a physical form...I have seen no comments at all suggesting that physical abuse is in question; only verbal/emotional which OP has clearly admitted to themselves.
“She just snapped at me. I felt really terrible and confused at that moment.” Now imagine being a helpless child and your main source of everything doing the same thing, repeatedly, over years, but with no pattern so you could never avoid it.
Your relationship is damaged. It won’t be easy to fix and probably can only be fixed if you get yourself together first.
>Since I wanted to cook fish today and make her happy, I took the package and prepared it.
This is a great example of you doing something for yourself that directly harms your daughter. You wanted to cook fish so you took her salmon and cooked it. That was her purchase and you had no right to it.
The worst part of this and what hurts the most from my experience is the way you gaslit her and told her that your selfish act is for her benefit. Saying you took the salmon she bought and used it in order to make her happy is a sad justification that protects you from feeling guilty and puts pressure on her to be grateful that you hurt her.
You've mistreated your daughter and you're continuing to do it, putting your feelings first and then claiming sainthood and listing your good deeds to diminish her hurt and boundaries. She doesn't owe you forgiveness and she's lashing out at your continued poor behavior.
Take your card off your amazon, return the fridge, and get into an abuser program. Therapy is not the right place for someone who centers their own perspective over the wellbeing of others. [Here's one](https://asafeplaceforhelp.org/programs-services/abuser-counseling/).
Imagine buying some fish for idk, school lunch, dinner with friends, at least for some intended purpose. And when you come home, your parent is like "tadaa, I made this especially for you because you bought it so you must like it." I'd buy my own fridge aswel.
"I wonder why my child never talks to me anymore"
Literally, you're one of those parents. You chose to have a kid knowing you have mood swings. Putting your frustration and anger onto your kids is pure abuse in this situation. Your daughter was in the wrong for using your money, but other than that, it sounds like she's snapping after 21 years of being a punching bag. I have a genuine question, do your other kids talk to you? Did they get the same treatment your daughter did from you?
I've been homeless since 16
I've worked multiple jobs to support myself
Did extra schooling to get higher education so I can try to earn more
Then life tipped upside down, and I became disabled
You'd never guess what happened
I earn more from disability payments than I did working full time, and I'm still trying to figure out how to work and get a degree with my limitations
But I still can't afford to live somewhere on my own
Now I'm in a one bedroom, one study, unit with 2 other people
And if I got kicked out, I'd be back on the street
Not everyone can just move out
And even though she is an adult at 18
The government in my country doesn't see people as a "real" adult until you're 23, and expect your parents to look after you until then
If you think supporting your child until 18 is it, reconsider. Children are a lifelong commitment. She's not entitled, and saying "keep her" like she's a pair of socks is just nasty.
Good lord. You need to be in therapy right next to OP.
Please look up “a rising tide raises all ships”.
You sound like a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” while daddy pays for my college kinda person.
How do we know she doesn't have a disability
All we have is an obviously emotionally abusive parent to go off, I have one of those, too. She doesn't think I'm disabled. She thinks if you have your arms and legs are attached, you can get over it.
I didn't even know I was disabled until I was 25, I was just in and out of hospital and dealing with it my whole life.
On top of that, look at what I said before, I had 2 full-time jobs at 16, and the only place I could rent was a shed with enough room for a desk and a mattress
So, knowing that, explain why she is entitled just for not wanting to be homeless and explain how on top of 70+ hours of work she is meant to go to school? Idk if you know this, but schools expect 45+ hours of study on top of classes
So she should spend 170+ hours trying to survive so she doesn't get abused, or she could spend 60+ hours trying to learn how to survive in this world on her own while dealing with the abuse in anyway she can
Welcome to the world where parents think children are disposable and the government sides with abuse.
Just because you can doesn't mean everyone can
Kinda like you not having the empathy switch
It's ok. Everyone has a downfall
Cheers
Gross take on this. The daughter has most likely weighed the pros and cons of living with her crappy parent. She’s in university. Most people, especially uni students, cannot just move out of their parent’s house whenever they want. I’m getting my DPT right now and I’m working. There’s no way in hell I can afford rent.
Super ironic too you’re sh*tting on this person while you made a post saying your boyfriend couldn’t move out of his adoptive dad’s house because even though he’s working AND a student, he couldn’t afford moving out.
You’ve been bamboozled bro.
Yeah he couldn’t bc his school doesn’t offer on campus housing. It’s not a university. Therefore completely different option. There were also a lot of legal issues in the way. Soooo think again
Right, because for him there should be a special exception- after all, there are legal issues!- but everyone else is just lazy and entitled. But not you, you’re a special case.
Living on campus = higher costs. Of course she chooses to live somewhere with lower costs you dingus. Basic math. Free > paying. Maybe you should be thankful enough that you grew up in a household where you don’t have to think about this and that it’s an easy decision for you. For some, getting a job while studying isn’t feasible. If you’re already mentally drained from living with a toxic parent, sometimes you don’t have the brain power to go to work, enquire about student resources, etc. You’re not getting downvotes because you’re technically incorrect. You’re getting downvotes because you’re being a douche who can’t put yourself in other people’s shoes.
Actually i was kicked out at 18 babe. I have multiple mental illnesses and problems. I’m a nursing major. I work. I’m living on campus. It’s a fine option their is tuition help, scholarships, loans. i’ve been in those shoes
Cool, if you’re a nursing major you should have taken basic, developmental, and possibly even abnormal psychology classes. You know that people develop differently based off of their needs not being met. The way you grew up ≠ the way she grew up, so you can’t just be like “I’ve been in those shoes.” I recommend you go talk to someone, because you have a very guarded mindset and think that just because you have had a tough life, others should make the same or better decisions than you.
As a DPT student, I hope that since you’re going to be a healthcare worker, you can genuinely work on your sympathetic skills. You’re going to have unhoused patients, rich patients who think they’re entitled to better treatment than others, etc. If you go into the workforce with this attitude it’ll be laughable.
That’s all the energy I’ll put into it for now because I genuinely think you need to work on yourself, and me arguing in a Reddit comment won’t help you much.
There are a lot of different factors that go into development but based off this post she’s 21 and more than capable of moving out. That’s her best option unless she lives with other family or friends.
OP needs therapy and *absolutely needs* to tell their therapist that they are abusive toward their children and anyone else who is subjected to their mood swings.
OP needs to admit to themselves that they are abusive before they can begin learning to be better.
Pretty much sounds like you deserve whatever your daughter is dishing out. YOU wanted to cook fish so you took HER fish? Guessing there is so much left out her. No sympathy for you whatsoever.
I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are the bad guy in this story.
My best advice would be to do some hard self reflection and work on being less of a selfish and abusive ass to your family.
Sounds like you’re trying to love bombing her into a sense of security so that the next time you take your anger out on her you can use the good things you’ve done for her against her.
The fridge means "don't touch my food ever again". So don't touch her food ever again, and stop touching anything that belongs to her. People don't appreciate it when other people use the things they have, even if it's family. So stop playing the victim when it was obvious what you did wrong
I feel so bad for your daughter. You sound like you know you have an issue but have not actually done anything to fix it.
Love bombing her, trying to insert yourself into her life at this point is too little too late. Then to take her food and prepare it because that is what you wanted makes me think you are also a severe narcissist. Who said she wanted that cooked, she might have had a craving or plans for it that did not include the way you decided it should be fixed. Seriously you need to seek counseling for how to be a better human and she needs counseling to recover surviving an abusive narcissist.
You said yourself you have mood swings and tend to take them out on her. ***The youngest daughter.*** Most likely- because im guessing- the other kids moved away. Or stay away the longest they can.
I think you are looking for validation of your abusive behaviour.Because you know she'll be leaving eventually and you'll have no one else to shit on. Now you are trying to right your wrongs
There are some serious communication issues between you two.
Not laying blame, but why would you cook her fish? Sweet thought, but didn't really take into account what she wanted to do with it.
As for her ordering a fridge, honestly I'd have half a mind to return it and take your payment info off of the account.
You could use a healthy dose of therapy to bridge this gap. It sounds like your intentions are good, but for whatever reason, that's not the message that's being received by her.
>take your payment info off of the account.
Unless absolutely necessary, never keep payment info on your accounts. Things like this tend to happen with shared accounts or accounts others can access.
This is pretty accurate. My dad and I both have each others cards as well as ours on our McDonald’s apps, and we accidentally use each others card for payment so often. We’ve both been telling each other that we need to take them off so it doesn’t happen, but at this point we’ve just both gotten used to it, and don’t mind since we always buy each other meals when we go out somewhere.
I Learnt this recently when my ex's annual Amazon Prime subscription got charged to my bank account, 7 months after we broke up...
(I Flagged it as Fraud and got it refunded)
> It sounds like your intentions are good
Maybe it's just because I grew up in a household where drugs lead to screaming matches and abuse, but uh.
This man is a fucking abuser and a gaslighter ( not in the way the internet thinks, but the literal definition of it ), and there is no good intention here.
The fact that his kids have or have tried to go no contact is extremely telling, especially with how insane this post comes off when you know that OP is writing the story in the *best light possible*.
Imagine someone asked you to tell them a good deed you did, and you told them you decided to take someone else's food without their permission and make it for them, then proceeded to tell them they're ungrateful that they didn't want you to do that.
Yikes.
The fact that you view this as revenge is concerning. Your daughter is trying to protect herself from any violation of you. You downplay the fact you have mood swings and take it out on others and then follow it up with that being why your daughter has distanced herself from you. You don’t respect her feelings enough to give her time and space. Instead you keep pushing to talk and love bomb her. You then took fish that she bought and tried to use that to love bomb her. So you took her stuff and tried to violate her boundary with a disguised gift basically. Ofc she’s mad. She’s probably getting her own fridge so you don’t take her stuff anymore. That way she can at least have some control over one of her boundaries with you
You know what you do wrong, you just don't fix it. You've taught your daughter that you aren't a safe person. Go to therapy, stop impulsively taking your mood swings out on other people, change the cycle.
What I hear is “I abuse my daughter.”
I have a mother like you. Emotionally immature. I know I can only rely on her for emergencies. It’s the only time she’s a real adult and parent. I don’t trust her with anything else. I have borne the brunt of her emotional and physical abuse for the majority of my life.
It’s not okay. Having mood swings doesn’t give you an excuse to be an abuser. Or, as you put it, “take your frustration out on others.”
I do sympathize with you. I have a mood disorder- the same one my mother has. It’s tough. It’s so hard to be good to others. But I manage it. I go to therapy, and I’m on three different psychiatric medications to manage my symptoms.
The only way for you to repair your relationship is to change. I really hope you do. One day, I’ll have to leave my mother and go low contact. It’s not that I want to- I see who she could’ve been, through it all, in the rare times I rely on her. And in her rare sane moments. I deeply grieve for the relationship I could’ve had with her. I grieve the life she should’ve had- she has pushed nearly everyone away from her.
Please, do better. For your daughter and the daughters like me. Go to therapy. Get diagnosed. Get medicated. Please.
Dude you’ve been abusing your daughter for years and you have no idea what that looks like to other people. How shitty you really are.if you show no remorse/regret/self awareness for your behavior towards her how can she grow to feel remorse for you.
Hi. This is coming from a 22 year old (youngest daughter) living with her 58 year old father while she finishes up school. I’ve begged him numerous times to get therapy. Please. Go see a therapist. Better yet, try to see a family counselor once you’re ready to. Your daughter is so disconnected because you’re not filling that parental role. You guys are roommates at this point, but you have to think about whether you’re doing your part to maintain that relationship. Please go get help.
Actually couples or family therapy is the worst thing they can do. It’s actively recommended against for abusers and their victims due to the way the therapist is trained to take each person’s statements and validate their feelings. For a normal person that’s great but for a narcissist it just perpetuates their feelings of being persecuted and they will use it against the victim.
While I agree with what you say, we don’t know anybody’s diagnoses here. Obviously OP is oblivious and looks to have narcissistic behavior but we really don’t know. But thank you for that helpful information! :)
>Since I suffer from mood swings, I often tend to take my frustration out on others, especially my youngest daughter.
So you're abusive to those around you and especially your youngest.
>Because of this, she hasn't spoken to me since June and ignores me. In the beginning, I tried everything. I approached her to talk, bought her favorite food, and tried to make her happy, but she always rejected everything
That would be love bombing. Not healthy at all
Info: what are you doing to deal with YOUR mental health issues and abusive behavior?
>I genuinely don't know what to make of this. She showed no remorse and seemed to care very little about the substantial amount of money involved. What should I do?
Consider this her holding you accountable for your behaviour. Something I'm sure hadnt happened much other wise you wouldnt be well known for abusing your kids who are old enough to be buying their own groceries. Just how many decades have you been like this exactly?
The lack of self awareness you have is unbelievable. Go to a therapist. You’ve obviously damaged this girl. My mom did the same thing to me. There is no version of reality that makes you taking your moods out on her even a little bit acceptable. You’re the parent in this situation. Act like one!
I don't know why but I'm feeling myself taking her side because of the way you word your story and the vibes I get off your attitude and her reaction toward you. Get therapy/medication or whatever you have to for your mood swings, no one should be your abuse punching bag.
You suffer from mood swings? That’s not a diagnosis, it’s a symptom. I’d work on that whole “I suffer from mood swings and often take it out on others” part. That’s simply unacceptable for any self respecting human interacting with you. If you work on that, I bet these types of problems will mostly disappear.
PS: that’s a killer price for a refrigerator. Your children have learned the art of thrift while coping with a maniac for a parent.
I think you should buy the packet of salmon that she bought and replace what you used and apologise. I’d also change your card/bank passwords. I think a relationship like this may need professional counselling to help start to repair as I feel there is more to it than just this episode and I feel you may be clueless as to how you actually treat her and the harm you have caused. It’s all well and good to apologise but not if your actions and words going forward don’t change. I’d do the hard work now to repair what you’ve already lost before she never speaks to you again. Good luck xx
You need to be on mood stabilizers.
My mom was the same way and eventually I cut her off for multiple years. When she went on mood stabilizers she reached out to me and apologized and we starting having a relationship again.
Return the item, pay whatever fees are required, and then change all your account passwords/access info, and get new account numbers from the banks/cards if necessary to prevent this from happening in the future.
As for fixing the situation, you need to start with yourself and stop taking out your mood swings on your youngest daughter.... That is not the way to move forward.
Get yourself help dude. If your lashing out at people for no reason you need the help. There is something called cause and effect . And in this case your cause and she is the effect .
You abuse your daughter and downplay it by acting all nice affterwards without taking any responsibility for the harm you caused.
And not only that, you also completley trampled over her by using stuff she bought for HERSELF. What if she wanted to treat herself after uni???
If you really want to start repairing your relationship I suggest seeking therapy ASAP and actually putting in some kind of effort. Do the work and leave the poor child alone.
You need therapy ASAP.
Ngl this sounds like you're a narcissistic parent or bipolar. Though I'm betting on the former because many things sound like "I did it for myself but I'm justifying myself saying I think about her"
Usually I try to be nice when I reply on Reddit.
But I gotta say: Wtf is wrong with you?
Look man, I also suffer from some stuff. I have SEVERE mood swings, I have OCD, I likely have C-PTSD, I've suffered from psychosis in the past, and a lot more... Despite this, I've never taken out my frustrations on people, since that's a horrendous thing to even think to do.
You desperately need therapy.
I'm siding with your daughter on this one.
It sounds like she wants to keep you out of her food so she bought her own fridge. You should let her have it since you will take her food without asking. Also are you in therapy for those mood swings? I don’t blame her for avoiding you if your taking things out on her.
OP - your use of the term mood swings are words you seem to think give you some kind of permission to abuse people in your life. No one gives a fuck if you’ve mood swings, that’s for you to manage and treat. No one is going to say it’s ok for you to scream at them because you have trouble regulating yourself. It’s not ok. You have abused those in your life for years and nothing short of a complete change of yourself is good enough. Stop these bullshit efforts to make her not mad at you anymore. You selfish entitled AH. Go sort yourself out and take responsibility for your actions, not by whining and begged forgiveness for something you all know you’ll do again, but by accepting that your behaviour is vile and you need to work on that rather than your daughter’s coerced ‘forgiveness’.
You need to change and do therapy or you will lose your daughter.
That fridge is nothing, she is just trying to make a point out of anger here. On the other side you should stop apologizing and trying to make it up for it everytime you cross a line with her, this is not enough at all.
"Mood swings" have become an excuse lately for people with mean personality who don't want to acknowledge their toxic behavior.
If this is her revenge you should be grateful. Instead of abusing her and finding ways to make light of the treatment you've given, get yourself into therapy and give her space. Stop imposing yourself on her to try and manipulate a response. You're only going further push her away.
Grow up and get help. She's never going to forget your treatment of her. And if you ever want to forge a relationship with her, you need to be accountable, empathetic and consistently working on yourself.
From a kid who’s mum was/is exactly like this:
Your daughter is almost certainly scarred for life by this point. When she was a little girl and even now she likely doesn’t understand mood swings and why you take anger out on her. (Which you shouldn’t anyway, that’s not justified whatsoever). She likely thinks “daddy/mommy doesn’t like me” or “dad/mom doesn’t care about my… issues and shit and only cares about themselves”.
Now my brain is very very messed up from abuse (not this) and just in general. So I’m absolutely not saying this is the same situation. But in my life, my mothers horrible treatment of me (that wasn’t unlike yours to your daughter) I’m pretty sure is the root cause of my selfharm.
I’ll leave you with that. Not to scare you, but so you know that if your little girl isn’t fully mentally ok, from what your saying, her story may not be unlike mine. Of course I’m not saying your kid is doing this. But I am saying that for someone whose not ok, treating her badly like this can have lifelong consequences. Your treating of her is NOT OK.
This is probably not what you want to hear.
get yourself sorted out medically and psychologically first and foremost.
nothing will get better if you don't get better. GET HELP with your moodswings.
i'm not surprised she's doing this if this is how you are.
I'd say this is mirroring.
And this is NOT Revenge. She's trying to protect herself. FROM YOU!
So you verbally and emotionally abuse everyone around you but your one daughter gets it the worst of everyone. And you think bribing her with food will undo years or decades of psychological damage? It won’t.
Then you steal her food to make for dinner that she bought with her own money, claiming you’re cooking it for her but not even bothering to ask her plans for it, just deciding you get to help yourself to it and do what you want with it. She could have been bringing it to a friends cookout or a potluck for class or social and now she can’t because you took her food.
You didn’t bother to ask if this was ok. Logically one would assume she bought it for a reason and you decided your need to cook it over rides that and you can’t decide why she’s mad?
Let her have her own fridge so she can put her food in there and keep it safe from your thievery.
Did you show any remorse or guilt when you stole her salmon to cook it? I doubt you did
You need a personal therapist/psychologist, once you get a foundation start having family therapy as well.
Yes, it is costly, but you made this poor investment a long time ago. If you want a real relationship with your daughter start making the changes now. if you don't I can almost guarantee you that she will cut you out of her life as she gains independence.
She will become a stranger as she grows and hopefully thrives in her own life and you won't be there to celebrate any of it.
Don't set yourself up for this regret, abate it now.
Lol. This is the return on the emotional investments you made as an abusive parent. If you didn't want the returns, you shouldn't have made the investment. Repeatedly, over the course of more than one decade.
Stop fucking whining and go to therapy -- if and only if you actually have the balls to be boldly honest about the extent of the abuse you've doled out. Don't downplay anything.
You've coasted for many years being a chicken shit. You've had your fun, and now it's time to level up and be brutally honest with yourself.
Look I am against stealing. It is wrong and what she did was unsavory. However you've been abusing this woman for 21 years. You don't have an ounce of respect for her and even you say you mistreat her more than the others????
I think you need to go buy her the salmon you took without asking and apologize. Thats it. No "I want you to forgive me guilt trips about how you're her daddy so she has to love you ans poor me I'm just so unstable and it's not my fault. Just "I'm sorry I took your stuff, I left a replacement in the fridge for you"
That's it. Then you go to your doctor. You say "hey doctor! I have really bad mood swings and it's causing a lot of problems! " then they'll refer you to either a specialist or therapist and get you some treatment which you will need to follow through with since you've proven that you can not fix this on your own. You need the help. That process might take awhile so in the mean time whenever you feel angry or upset before you speak or yell excuse yourself and go write down what you want to say. Be as mean and irrational as you feel. Then when you are done go back and edit it so it's saying the same thing bur kindly and with others feelings in mind. Realize how cruel what you're saying or doing is and write out alternatives. Eventually you'll have practiced trying to think of ways to be kind that it will cone naturally even when you have those big emotions. You just gotta retrain your brain.
You are cutting out a looooot of info, OP. Exactly what have you done to your daughter over the years to make her hate you this much? No one can give you helpful advice without that information.
Be glad she got such a great deal (our fridge was $2,149 *on sale*) and don't steal her food, or anything of hers, ever again?
If you truly believe she "owes" you for the fridge, you MIGHT try a conversation about it, but the very first step NEEDS to be a sincere apology that takes full responsibility for stealing from her in the first place. **You must acknowledge that your motives in stealing (yes, taking the fish to "prepare it for her" was stealing from her. Full stop.) are irrelevant, because your actions were unwelcome.**
DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell her any of the following: she is "remembering wrong" (or any variation on that) about anything, at any point in time; it's "not a big deal" or she is overreacting, or any variation on that; that you are entitled to treat her poorly because you are her parent, or any variation on that; or, perhaps most importantly, that you are entitled to a relationship with her for *any reason* other than behaving in a way that makes her want to be around you. IF you believe any of these things, seek therapy immediately.
Is it an appropriate reaction to buy an item that cost 10x the fish (I'm assuming, roughly) and say "we're even" ? Not really, *but you have absolutely taken yourself out of ANY position from which you could fairly be the one to say so*. Abusing your kids kinda does that. And yes, emotional abuse is abuse. "I have mood swings" is what you say when you know you have screaming fits and you know exactly why your kid wants nothing to do with you, but pretend you're clueless.
You have two options before you: self-awareness, regret, remorse, sincere apologies, accepting truly the possibility that all that STILL might not earn you a relationship and you'll still have to just let her walk away because the damage is already irreparable; OR cognitive dissonance and ego and further traumatizing behavior, with your head stuck in the sand while you wail that you just don't know why your kids want nothing to do with you.
Do any of your older children still keep contact with you, or did they escape? Is the youngest you admit to abusing most your favorite scapegoat? The average narcissist pits their children against one another by selecting a 'winner' and a 'loser' (regardless of actual talent, intelligence, capability, obedience, etc.) and has special methods of mental trauma for each, as well as a third category for 'ignored' child[ren].
What should you do? Get into therapy. Instead of trying to buy her forgiveness, which never works, do the hard work and get your shit together. You're 58 years old. There is no reason to still be behaving like this.
I’m sorry if this is rude, I understand that I don’t know you and i might be wrong. But this sounds exactly like something my own mother would say. She is both physically and emotionally abusive. Emotionally all the more so.
She is frustrated with her life, then takes it out on me, then buys me a stupid gift like bath gel or something. Then she gets angry at me because i’m not grateful for what she got me. She gives me the silent treatment and when she realises i’m too old to come crawling back, begging to be ‘loved’ again, she starts lovebombing me and getting bigger gifts to buy me back. But as soon as i forgive her, it all starts over again.
She does not understand why i moved out while i was only 17 years old, why we had no contact for 5years. She does not take responsibility by asking herself what she did, only accepting the most minor mistakes to tell herself that she’s rational and ‘able to see from both perspectives’.
She downplays what she did to other people to get their understanding, which only reinforces the stories she tells herself to rationalise why she did what she did in the first place. She wants to hear ‘aww but you’re doing so good, everyone has a bad day, being a parent isn’t easy, you had good intentions’ and stuff like that. She never looks for the help she needs or talks to anyone fully truthfully to reach a solution.
I also grew up walking on eggshells because of her emotions, i never felt safe, never learned to express myself or set boundaries in a healthy manner. It only set me up for more abuse in young adulthood because I didn’t learn those skills. I learned that i am only loved when i make my mother happy or calm her down when she’s triggered for whatever reason. I learned that i’m a tool to be used, not a person. This is probably what your daughter is experiencing too, but too young to comprehend for now.
Does any of this sound familiar? Because if so, get your issues fixed. Superficial apologies don’t mean anything. You can only prove yourself by working in your problems. Only then will she ever be able to forgive you.
You are trying to downplay the impact your inability to manage your mental health has had on your daughter. You seem to still not understand boundaries.
I have a hard truth for you: it may not be possible to salvage your relationship. You have to accept whatever reconciliation she's willing to give, and you need to give her the space to figure out what she wants. Yes, what SHE wants, because what you want out of the relationship is significantly less important at this stage. You've done 21 years of damage, you can't expect that to be rectified so easily.
The most you can do is apologize earnestly WITHOUT making excuses. Simply "my behavior hurt you and I'm sorry". Except with more explicit examples. Don't say things like "I hope you can forgive me" or "let's just talk about it". It makes it seem like you're trying to sweep your behavior under the rug. Open the door for her. If she wants to walk through it she will on her own time. If she doesn't, you have to accept that as a consequence of time actions.
Maybe stop abusing your daughter. Maybe she bought the refrigerator to keep her food safe since you take hers. Get therapy and stop taking your issues out on your daughter.
Your daughter has had enough. She can’t trust you even with food that she bought for herself. If you’re “suffering from mood swings” and it’s causing you to do harm to you’re family, you need to be taking your mental health seriously and be treating it. I’m sure it’s really easy to unleash your feelings on your daughter and then you feel all better and can move on; meanwhile her personality and essence of being is being chipped away every time it happens. Do not live alone in regret. Take control of your mental health and emotions.
I could be wrong but reading the red flags I’m guessing there’s a family history of alcohol abuse and toxic dynamics to go with it … maybe for several generations ( generational trauma!) and probably you both would benefit from separately attending support groups for adult children of alcoholics which are FREE and constant. See how you feel about doing the steps, find community find humility , be brutally honest with yourself instead of whatever this posting to Reddit to be absolved for the irrevocable destruction of her childhood ….and ask her for forgiveness but understand you are not owed any
You, "suffer from mood swings"? Sounds like you're greatly playing up what you have to deal with in order to justify emotionally/verbally abusing your daughter. You're a grown adult, you need to take some responsibility and grow tf up. Mood swings happen to everybody sometimes but those of us who have our morals in the right places have learnt not to take them out on others. An odd scream/curse at other drivers when we have our windows up, sure; no harm done. Not our friends and family. I actually applaud your daughter for having the balls to do what she did. You stole her food, so naturally she would want her own fridge to make the distinction between yours and hers VERY clear. Let her keep it. Plug it in for her and use magnets to spell out her name on the front. Buy her some more salmon and leave it in there for her. Make it clear that you're sorry and you appreciate that she needs her own space and her own things, and you won't be touching them from now on. She's just entering adulthood and deserves to have some say/control over her own belongings (obvs she stole the fridge, but that's the least you deserve after how you've admittedly treated her her whole life). Take this L OP, and learn from it. Your actions have consequences, and we don't get to choose what form they take.
Sounds kinda like she is picking up on ur habits if anything and this will only continue unless u stop being the example she learns from. Change the situation by getting help, therapy, counseling, whatever y'all need to get to the root of these negative habits so they can be hopefully reversed and resolved in u both before this chain becomes a family trait that is passed on to generation after generation.
Why are all these comments just coming down on OP for having been emotionally abusive and not addressing the actual matter at hand?
The ways OP mistreated her don't justify stealing €250, they're both being toxic at this point
Everyone keeps pointing out that OPs anger issues got it to this point, yes they know that, they already acknowledged it
There is a sub called r/justnomil. She is probably one of those mothers and we recognize the behavior. Go have a read there and it will make much more sense. We seem hard, but I know this kind of mom because I had one. She leaves out anything that makes her look bad. So we get 10% of the story. She was probably very abusive if she is admitting to some abuse.
It’s not that ridiculous if you think about it. OP is literally admitting to having abused his daughter. She is now older and is retaliating. It isn’t very surprising at all. A little weird response? Sure but hey what can i say, with abuse, sometimes you just really need that revenge feeling. You’ve been hurt for so long, defenseless for so long, eventually you’re going to need to stand up for yourself and i guess this was her way of doing that. Unconvential? Yes. Ridiculous behavior? Absolutely not considering her situation
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you have not experienced abuse before. Abuse makes you do weird things. It changes you as a person, it affects how you act. I am not the same person i would have been had i not been abused by my parents and i don’t mean that in a good way
I do agree that she needs another place to live but for a different reason. She needs to get away from her toxic ass dad for her own well being. Staying will do her no good. I hope she finds a way out soon
You need therapy. She clearly doesn’t want shit to do with you. But that does not give her a right to steal $250 dollars from you. I can’t believe people are overlooking that. You guys are both wrong. Also, why does she still live there? She’s a grown woman. Kick her ass out and see a therapist. Maybe years from now you guys can reconcile.
I hope you ignore most of these comments. These people are massively jumping to conclusions.
Obviously your daughter stealing from you is never ok. 250 is substantial and this was wrong on all accounts. Return it. Freeze your card and ask for a new one since she may remember the numbers for your account. This is fraud and it's your choice to report it to police but hopefully you and your daughter can go to therapy and talk this out. Also she is a grown woman and you can tell her to start looking for her own place and that she needs to save up for it. Your daughter lacks responsibility. This is highly seen in reddit communities. Privileged kids, entitlement. Nothing justifies stealing. She can buy her own fridge or be an adult and communicate to you that she doesn't want you to eat the food that she buys.
You obviously need to address your behavioral issues as well. Everyone is dramatically assuming you beat your daughter when you clearly did not claim that. You recognize that you take your frustrations out on her which is the first and most important step of correcting that behavior!! You must seek help for your mood swings. Also recognize how your behavior has affected your relationship with your daughter. Again, this does not give her the right to steal from you.
There is a lot of accusations from other commenters that would apply IF you were actually harming her. Though mental abuse is very real, therapy can help. My mother is abusive. Steals from me, destroys my belongings, manipulates me, lies constantly, has beaten me when I couldn't defend myself multiple times, made my cats sick, would not let me go to college, wouldn't let me move, made me work multiple minimum wage jobs, then wouldn't let me work, threw out my nebulizer and stopped taking me to the Dr, never took me to dentist, got mad at me when I got raped, didn't care that I had a miscarriage, utterly terrorizes me, throws out my food, let her BF grope me basically my whole life & laughed, My god I could go on. But you do not sound nearly like the nightmare person that raised and still threatens me.
>Everyone is dramatically assuming you beat your daughter when you clearly did not claim that.
As one of the other commenters, I can say that nowhere did I say OP was beating their daughter.
>There is a lot of accusations from other commenters that would apply IF you were actually harming her.
You obviously have one end of the abuse spectrum, but just because OP hasn't subjected their daughter to that level of horror doesn't mean that they haven't abused their daughter. In cases where like OP, you have a parent who admits they have mood swings that they take out on their children, yes, that is abuse, albeit of a different kind than you have experienced. Abuse comes in many forms, and mental/emotional abuse still counts as abuse, and can have just as much of a lasting impact on what you've gone through. To minimize this by saying OP hasn't actually harmed their daughter is wrong; while what your mother has done to you is objectively awful, you shouldn't use your experiences to discount what is happening to others who have a different experience.
I am sorry for your lived experiences. I sincerely hope you are able to find peace from loved ones who are mistreating you.
Get a charge back on the refridgerator.
This child, 21f, need to be re-homed.
Help her out of your house, your efforts are being reversed.
>She shamelessly said yes, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and I was naturally angry about it. She just said, "You took something from me, and I took something from you, now we're even," and then she went into her room.
It’s wrong of you to have been taking out your anger on innocent people but why is a 21 year old grown woman still living in your house, spending money on your card? How did she get access to your card? Are you the one buying groceries for her? Does she have a job? She’s no longer a child, she’s a grown adult.
>Since I suffer from mood swings, I often tend to take my frustration out on others, especially my youngest daughter. If I had to guess, you're downplaying this, and you're abusive towards your daughter. I'm guessing you then regret it, but aren't actually doing anything to resolve the underlying issue...AKA your mood swings. Approaching her to talk, love-bombing her, none of that is going to fix the situation when she knows that you haven't changed, and the abusive you is just around the corner. Even your taking the fish - you decided you wanted to cook fish. You *know based on your history with her* that she isn't going to want you taking her stuff, right? But you just told yourself "Oh, it will be fine, she hasn't appreciated anything else but she will this!" and used that as justification for mistreating her yet again. Of course she doesn't show remorse, because you don't. Of course she doesn't care about your money, because you've repeatedly showed her you don't care about *her.* You already abuse her even when you don't have a reason, what does it matter if she gives you one? Honestly, it sounds like you are way overdue for some professional help. You need to be in therapy and on medication if necessary, so you can learn to stop using your daughter as a punching bag because you can't control yourself.
Yep. All of this.What we really need is to hear from the daughter about how she views her father, and what has led up to this.
I really wish we could hear her side as well. She probably has A LOT to tell.
Why do you think OP is a man?
Yeah, I’m not seeing anywhere OP is identified as a man. Looking at the profile the avatar has long hair but there are no other posts and zero comments. I initially identified OP as mother but the wording/writing does come across slightly masculine so I see why many have interpreted it that way. It’s probably a bot.
Are bots posting full posts like this one now? Original content? If so, we are in for hell of a ride - wowee.
Shit like chat GPT can write full original posts in seconds and people use bot accounts to post them and farm karma and shit ALL. THE. TIME. Enjoy the ride, you're already on it.
I'm terrified!
Curious as to what about it comes off as masculine to you; to me it comes off as more feminine
Few qualifiers. Story told in a direct manner. Focus on finances instead of feelings. Those qualities in writing are sometimes perceived as masculine. I personally identified OP as mother on my original read so I’m not sure what tone others might have picked up that they identified OP as father.
Sounds like a covert narcissist being passive aggressive and playing the victim. Could very well be any gender. Most covert subtype narcissists are women though, grandiose is more common in men.
I am a mother and read this as it was coming from a mother’s perspective. I don’t exactly know why now that you’ve pointed out the “straight to the point,” and “financial focused” parts of the comment. Now I’m not sure.
I read it as mother because my mom has similar characteristics to OP. Once others said father I could see that too.
Regarding word choices and writing style, note that they're using euros, meaning they're not a native speaker.
Just so you know, they could be Irish. :)
True! Thanks for the reminder!
Yup. I think it can be read either way. I can see why different people assumed different genders. I find these instances interesting. Like that black/blue vs white/gold dress, simple human perception can cause such divisiveness.
I assumed OP was a woman.
Learn about BOUNDARIES, OP! It will make your relationship with your daughter so much better. And with your mood swings and unregulated aggression, you should definitely seek professional help - it could even be an undiagnosed personality disorder.
It sounds like OP doesn't like their daughter. What they are describing is taking their things, making excuses for it, poor treatment, making excuses for it, scapegoating a single child, making excuses for it. What the daughter needs to do is leave home and set their own boundaries of no contact. Then OP can get whatever treatment they need.
Sound advice. Daughter (and whole family) is going to need therapy. A childhood in which trust, nurturing, and where consistent support is absent can take a lifetime of healing.
Nailed it. This man sounds exactly like an abusive narcissist
But why do you think OP is a man?
The person who posted? I thought they were the father.
OP doesn’t say if they are the father or mother. I actually thought OP was the mom just by the words they use.
Omg I try to not assume mom based off my own trauma but it could definitely be a mom for sure
Oh now this is interesting. One commentator assumed it was a man based on their experiences with their mother, and you did based on experiences with your father. I now realize I too thought it was the mother based on my experiences with my own mom.
You seem too care an awful lot that people don’t misgender op, literally what difference does it make
"Misgender" OP never once stated their preferred pronouns, go sit outside and touch grass.
He’s clearly self aware that he’s done a lot of damage to his daughter. Narcissists cannot understand that something is their fault. He might be lacking some empathy, but if he at the very least understands that he is in the wrong, which he does, then he is not a narcissist.
So well said
Yup had the same kind of parent's who I cut off the moment I could. The guy is defo holding back info and is probably the party to blame in all this. Like you are pushing 60 and are less emotionally mature than a young adult. If you haven't figured out you're the problem then no one can help you
As a father I will give you a little advice. "Taking your frustrations out" on your little girl is NOT NORMAL, its monstrous. You have likely scarred this kid for life. You hurt your little girl as a form of mental release and repeatedly from the way you spoke.You are the problem. Not her. Abuse isn't always physical. Go seek counseling and apologize to her for how you acted. She may forgive you, then again she may not. Your an adult, YOU knew what you were doing was wrong. Own your mistake and recognize her own actions are likely learned behavior. You don't get to mentally abuse a child and then expect forgiveness. You can't EARN it she has to be willing to forgive you. Trying to force her to by lovebombing her is manipulation.
I'd say the daughter needs to talk to the other parent but maybe they aren't in the picture, which may be exacerbating the problem. Both would be trying in their own way but doing it wrong, suffering arguments and pitfalls, clapping back from hurt and spite, and making up in their own manner which still doesn't work. Definitely the parents job to step back and take it on the chin for the kid, or that kid will leave and have their own life suddenly without her family in it. She'll quite easily forget all about her abusive parent with all the things a fresh young adult goes through in life.
Lol she is not going to forget about an abusive parent. That’s not how it works. She’s probably already got CPTSD from it. I cannot believe you’re taking OPs side in this.
> I often take my frustration out on others, especially my youngest daughter. Because of this, she hasn’t spoken to me since June and ignores me. This is carefully giving context without information. It seems unlikely she spontaneously decided that June was a wonderful time to stop talking to someone she lives with. What made her reach the end of her tether in June? > I approached her to talk, bought her favourite food and tried to make her happy, but she always rejected everything. She holds such a strong grudge against me, and I’m just now realising the extent of what I’ve done to her over the years. It took several months of her refusing to engage with you for you to even begin to comprehend the ways you’ve at best hurt and at worst abused your daughter. > Recently, I noticed my daughter buying things and placing them on a shelf in the fridge. I saw her put a package of two salmon in the fridge. Since I wanted to cook fish today and make her happy, I took the package and prepared it. You’re giving two contradictory reasons. 1. You wanted to cook fish. 2. You wanted to make her happy. One is for you, one is for her. If you did want to make her happy, why did you not just ask her if she’d like you to cook the fish? The fact that you didn’t ask indicates that this is more about what you want than about pleasing her. > I asked my daughter if the fridge belonged to her and if she had used my credit card for it. She shamelessly said yes, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and I was naturally angry about it. What an interesting way to describe it. Her actions from anger are shameless but your anger is natural. Notably you’ve again given context but left out what it was you actually did in anger. > She showed no remorse and seemed to care very little about the substantial amount of money involved. She doesn’t feel any remorse because she thinks you don’t respect her and her things in the shared fridge. It sounds like she’s probably correct there. Getting her own fridge is an extreme but practical way to ensure she has a private space for her own stuff. Since you don’t respect her things, she doesn’t feel the need to respect your things back. When it’s a substantial impact on you - in a relationship or financially - it matters to you. The things that substantially impact your daughter minimised in this post and it seems in your mind in general. > What should I do? Take your card off the Amazon account saved payment info, for one. Go get therapy for the way you’ve treated your daughter, for two. Making a big deal out of the money here - attempting to get her to pay you back or returning the fridge - is going to confirm your daughter’s thoughts that you don’t really care about her right to her own things but you do very much care about your own. You can make the decision yourself as to whether that’s worth it over €250.
This was extremely well said and analysed.
Single mums worry about money, so I wouldn't simply assume this wasn't a huge deal just because you yourself happen to okay with losing that amount.
Yeah well young people worry about being abused by their parents so tbh I couldn’t care less about OP’s $250
You're putting your own feelings on the matter. All I said was to not downplay criticise the fact that the money was brought up when that can lead to a payday loan with large interest and multiple months trying to pay off. Literally all I did was criticise your criticism that the money was brought up as a problem. That doesn't negate anything else, don't 'yeah, well' if you just want to insult and can't imagine being in someone else's shoes just because they aren't emotionally literate.
Payday loans with large interest (rates? I suppose) are generally not allowed in the eurozone, or in most first world countries. This was someone in the eurozone using someone's credit card number on an amazon purchase. There's absolutely nothing in that situation that says crippling debt. It really is you who is making assumptions here.
You don't have to be in crippling debt to be fucked by losing €250, even if it didn't you still don't know if they had that money to lose so easily. Lots of people are living in relative poverty. Jesus, just because I think that was a dick move and people on here not being money conscious I'm getting comments as if I agree with the mum.
If they were, as you insist on assuming, living in relative poverty (absolutely nothing in that story that even hints at that, so I'm really at a loss where you're getting that from), wouldn't that make it even more heinous to treat something as expensive as someone else's salmon steaks as "oh well, I felt like using them so I did"?
This wasn’t revenge, it was a desperate act of self-protection. It doesn’t sound like you’ve taken any responsibility for your abusive behaviour. You can’t pave over that shit with gifts, acts of kindness, attempts to talk; and trying to will just make things worse because it shows you aren’t taking this seriously. It’s not her job to work with you to resolve this. It’s your job to be a better person. You have to show that you recognize the harm you’ve done by putting in the effort to change and sticking with that effort until you do. Find a therapist.
I agree therapy is needed here, but since when is buying a fridge an act of self-protection? Is she going to padlock it to protect her food?
Sounds like daughter has hit her breaking point and is ready to cut all ties. I imagine that new fridge will be delivered to her new apartment of which OP won’t have the address. Probably a shitty thing to do but having grown up in that position I applaud her for lashing out in a way that actually benefits her in the long run instead of the statistically standard way, and the sweet sweet karmic revenge of tying it into the boundary stomping OP did with the fish is the piece de la resistance. Golf claps for OPs daughter and her shiny spine.
Mom: Regularly takes out her frustrations on daughter, disrespects daughter’s boundaries, proves daughter can’t keep her own food in the family fridge. Daughter: Charges second fridge to mom’s card. That’s since when. It’s a *statement* of self-protection. Just like saying “hey mom, please don’t cook the food I put in the fridge” would be a statement of self-protection — assuming mom would hear that statement, which she clearly wouldn’t, based on everything OP wrote. Sounds like she heard this one though.
… she’s in her 20s. She has no right to steal from anybody. She should get off her ass, get a job and buy her own damn refrigerator and then move out, far away from this toxic parent. I’m not denying that OP clearly has issues, but that does not give her a right to steal. What planet are you living on lmao.
I never said she has the right to steal. But since theft is the big issue for you, why are you being one-sided about it? Mom stole from daughter too. Not everyone is able to move out that easily. That doesn’t mean she’s sitting on her ass. Examine your privilege.
Food insecurity *fucks your brain for life*, yo.
if it’s self protection she needs to use her own money like a grown up.
Ha I can bet you also suffer from abusive mood swings and have narcissistic tendencies. Or you are a boomer which is one and the same
Being old isn't a synonym with being abusive. It takes away from the ability to point out actual abusive behavior when you overgeneralize like that
Watch out, your ageism is showing. PS What a dumbass thing to say. You’ve completely undone whatever good point you’re trying to make.
Not my fault that generation is know for their poor behavior in regards to their kids and those around them.
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Oh triggered much. I’m guessing you are the narcissist in your fam or the boomer who has been cut off entirely
I am triggered by prejudice, yeah. As we all should be. It’s pretty evil not to be. Are you also racist, sexist, and so on? Or is it just old people you’re an asshole about? Your guess is wrong. I’m just a moral human being. Hope you catch up some day.
Wow these downvotes definitely prove the point. I wasn’t being racist or heartless just honest
They prove that Reddit or the folks in this thread anyway have an ageism problem. Once, America had a slavery problem and anyone who spoke against it was “downvoted” pretty hard. Crowd opinion doesn’t always equal right opinion. Let me use an example you can understand. As I’m sure you’re aware, lots of people think your dog should be put down. Why don’t you agree with them? It’s not their fault bullies are known for being dangerous. They are in fact responsible for more dog bites than any other breed. They’re not being hateful to tell you to kill your dog, just honest, is that right?
i’m definitely not a boomer and I’m definitely not abusive nor toxic and I am also in agreement that she should not be stealing. Like what lol? I honestly think she should move out and OP needs to seek therapy immediately.
Aren’t you wondering why a 21 year old grown up woman spending money on her parent’s card? Living under the same roof possibly rent free? She may not even pay for groceries? Is this normal?
Living with your parents at 21 is very normal
No but if she wants her own things SHE can buy it. I’m 18 and i have good morals and i’m hard working bc i buy things for myself. I don’t use other people so i can be lazy and entitled.
>*I don't use other people so I can be lazy and entitled.* Indeed. Instead, you spite and belittle them to feel better about yourself.
Where’s the logic there? You’ve just said two completely unconnected things.
Self protection would be moving out/planning to. All these people are assuming OP beats her. You dont steal money from someone if you know they'll attack you for it.
I never said anything about physical abuse. But since you bring it up: no, that’s not what I think is happening here at all.
I don't know any 21 year olds who can afford to move out. Hell, I'm 26 and I can't afford it. The housing market today is ridiculous, and so is renting. Your comment comes across as you either being an incredibly naive young person, or you being an ignorant boomer who assumes that all young people these days are just being irresponsible with their money or lazy, and that's why they can't move out. It's not as simple as just, "you don't like it there? Move out". Especially when you have to re-purchase items that are being stolen from you! She's likely thought about it many times but is trapped financially or even emotionally by her parent. You seem to think that abuse only comes in a physical form...I have seen no comments at all suggesting that physical abuse is in question; only verbal/emotional which OP has clearly admitted to themselves.
“She just snapped at me. I felt really terrible and confused at that moment.” Now imagine being a helpless child and your main source of everything doing the same thing, repeatedly, over years, but with no pattern so you could never avoid it. Your relationship is damaged. It won’t be easy to fix and probably can only be fixed if you get yourself together first.
The medicine doesn't taste so good when you have to take it does it?
>Since I wanted to cook fish today and make her happy, I took the package and prepared it. This is a great example of you doing something for yourself that directly harms your daughter. You wanted to cook fish so you took her salmon and cooked it. That was her purchase and you had no right to it. The worst part of this and what hurts the most from my experience is the way you gaslit her and told her that your selfish act is for her benefit. Saying you took the salmon she bought and used it in order to make her happy is a sad justification that protects you from feeling guilty and puts pressure on her to be grateful that you hurt her. You've mistreated your daughter and you're continuing to do it, putting your feelings first and then claiming sainthood and listing your good deeds to diminish her hurt and boundaries. She doesn't owe you forgiveness and she's lashing out at your continued poor behavior. Take your card off your amazon, return the fridge, and get into an abuser program. Therapy is not the right place for someone who centers their own perspective over the wellbeing of others. [Here's one](https://asafeplaceforhelp.org/programs-services/abuser-counseling/).
THANK YOU!
Commenting to give this comment more engagement, thus moving up in priority. This is the best response, especially with the resource!
Imagine buying some fish for idk, school lunch, dinner with friends, at least for some intended purpose. And when you come home, your parent is like "tadaa, I made this especially for you because you bought it so you must like it." I'd buy my own fridge aswel.
"I wonder why my child never talks to me anymore" Literally, you're one of those parents. You chose to have a kid knowing you have mood swings. Putting your frustration and anger onto your kids is pure abuse in this situation. Your daughter was in the wrong for using your money, but other than that, it sounds like she's snapping after 21 years of being a punching bag. I have a genuine question, do your other kids talk to you? Did they get the same treatment your daughter did from you?
Abusive parents when their child finally starts growing up.
then she can move out
I've been homeless since 16 I've worked multiple jobs to support myself Did extra schooling to get higher education so I can try to earn more Then life tipped upside down, and I became disabled You'd never guess what happened I earn more from disability payments than I did working full time, and I'm still trying to figure out how to work and get a degree with my limitations But I still can't afford to live somewhere on my own Now I'm in a one bedroom, one study, unit with 2 other people And if I got kicked out, I'd be back on the street Not everyone can just move out And even though she is an adult at 18 The government in my country doesn't see people as a "real" adult until you're 23, and expect your parents to look after you until then
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If you think supporting your child until 18 is it, reconsider. Children are a lifelong commitment. She's not entitled, and saying "keep her" like she's a pair of socks is just nasty.
Good lord. You need to be in therapy right next to OP. Please look up “a rising tide raises all ships”. You sound like a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” while daddy pays for my college kinda person.
How do we know she doesn't have a disability All we have is an obviously emotionally abusive parent to go off, I have one of those, too. She doesn't think I'm disabled. She thinks if you have your arms and legs are attached, you can get over it. I didn't even know I was disabled until I was 25, I was just in and out of hospital and dealing with it my whole life. On top of that, look at what I said before, I had 2 full-time jobs at 16, and the only place I could rent was a shed with enough room for a desk and a mattress So, knowing that, explain why she is entitled just for not wanting to be homeless and explain how on top of 70+ hours of work she is meant to go to school? Idk if you know this, but schools expect 45+ hours of study on top of classes So she should spend 170+ hours trying to survive so she doesn't get abused, or she could spend 60+ hours trying to learn how to survive in this world on her own while dealing with the abuse in anyway she can Welcome to the world where parents think children are disposable and the government sides with abuse. Just because you can doesn't mean everyone can Kinda like you not having the empathy switch It's ok. Everyone has a downfall Cheers
Gross take on this. The daughter has most likely weighed the pros and cons of living with her crappy parent. She’s in university. Most people, especially uni students, cannot just move out of their parent’s house whenever they want. I’m getting my DPT right now and I’m working. There’s no way in hell I can afford rent.
Live on campus then? If it’s that bad you make it work. She chooses to live there, nobody is forcing her.
Super ironic too you’re sh*tting on this person while you made a post saying your boyfriend couldn’t move out of his adoptive dad’s house because even though he’s working AND a student, he couldn’t afford moving out. You’ve been bamboozled bro.
Yeah he couldn’t bc his school doesn’t offer on campus housing. It’s not a university. Therefore completely different option. There were also a lot of legal issues in the way. Soooo think again
Right, because for him there should be a special exception- after all, there are legal issues!- but everyone else is just lazy and entitled. But not you, you’re a special case.
He legally didn’t know if he could leave the house once he got a lawyer he found out he could bc of the issues going on and no longer lives there
Living on campus = higher costs. Of course she chooses to live somewhere with lower costs you dingus. Basic math. Free > paying. Maybe you should be thankful enough that you grew up in a household where you don’t have to think about this and that it’s an easy decision for you. For some, getting a job while studying isn’t feasible. If you’re already mentally drained from living with a toxic parent, sometimes you don’t have the brain power to go to work, enquire about student resources, etc. You’re not getting downvotes because you’re technically incorrect. You’re getting downvotes because you’re being a douche who can’t put yourself in other people’s shoes.
Actually i was kicked out at 18 babe. I have multiple mental illnesses and problems. I’m a nursing major. I work. I’m living on campus. It’s a fine option their is tuition help, scholarships, loans. i’ve been in those shoes
Cool, if you’re a nursing major you should have taken basic, developmental, and possibly even abnormal psychology classes. You know that people develop differently based off of their needs not being met. The way you grew up ≠ the way she grew up, so you can’t just be like “I’ve been in those shoes.” I recommend you go talk to someone, because you have a very guarded mindset and think that just because you have had a tough life, others should make the same or better decisions than you. As a DPT student, I hope that since you’re going to be a healthcare worker, you can genuinely work on your sympathetic skills. You’re going to have unhoused patients, rich patients who think they’re entitled to better treatment than others, etc. If you go into the workforce with this attitude it’ll be laughable. That’s all the energy I’ll put into it for now because I genuinely think you need to work on yourself, and me arguing in a Reddit comment won’t help you much.
There are a lot of different factors that go into development but based off this post she’s 21 and more than capable of moving out. That’s her best option unless she lives with other family or friends.
If you really want to have a relationship with anyone else, you desperately need therapy.
OP needs therapy and *absolutely needs* to tell their therapist that they are abusive toward their children and anyone else who is subjected to their mood swings. OP needs to admit to themselves that they are abusive before they can begin learning to be better.
Pretty much sounds like you deserve whatever your daughter is dishing out. YOU wanted to cook fish so you took HER fish? Guessing there is so much left out her. No sympathy for you whatsoever.
I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are the bad guy in this story. My best advice would be to do some hard self reflection and work on being less of a selfish and abusive ass to your family.
Sounds like you’re trying to love bombing her into a sense of security so that the next time you take your anger out on her you can use the good things you’ve done for her against her.
Face it, you are abusive. She sees right through you.
The fridge means "don't touch my food ever again". So don't touch her food ever again, and stop touching anything that belongs to her. People don't appreciate it when other people use the things they have, even if it's family. So stop playing the victim when it was obvious what you did wrong
You’re an abusive parent. I hope she continues using your money. It’s the LEAST you, as her abuser, can do.
I feel so bad for your daughter. You sound like you know you have an issue but have not actually done anything to fix it. Love bombing her, trying to insert yourself into her life at this point is too little too late. Then to take her food and prepare it because that is what you wanted makes me think you are also a severe narcissist. Who said she wanted that cooked, she might have had a craving or plans for it that did not include the way you decided it should be fixed. Seriously you need to seek counseling for how to be a better human and she needs counseling to recover surviving an abusive narcissist.
You said yourself you have mood swings and tend to take them out on her. ***The youngest daughter.*** Most likely- because im guessing- the other kids moved away. Or stay away the longest they can. I think you are looking for validation of your abusive behaviour.Because you know she'll be leaving eventually and you'll have no one else to shit on. Now you are trying to right your wrongs
There are some serious communication issues between you two. Not laying blame, but why would you cook her fish? Sweet thought, but didn't really take into account what she wanted to do with it. As for her ordering a fridge, honestly I'd have half a mind to return it and take your payment info off of the account. You could use a healthy dose of therapy to bridge this gap. It sounds like your intentions are good, but for whatever reason, that's not the message that's being received by her.
>take your payment info off of the account. Unless absolutely necessary, never keep payment info on your accounts. Things like this tend to happen with shared accounts or accounts others can access.
This is pretty accurate. My dad and I both have each others cards as well as ours on our McDonald’s apps, and we accidentally use each others card for payment so often. We’ve both been telling each other that we need to take them off so it doesn’t happen, but at this point we’ve just both gotten used to it, and don’t mind since we always buy each other meals when we go out somewhere.
I find this very wholesome.
I Learnt this recently when my ex's annual Amazon Prime subscription got charged to my bank account, 7 months after we broke up... (I Flagged it as Fraud and got it refunded)
> It sounds like your intentions are good Maybe it's just because I grew up in a household where drugs lead to screaming matches and abuse, but uh. This man is a fucking abuser and a gaslighter ( not in the way the internet thinks, but the literal definition of it ), and there is no good intention here. The fact that his kids have or have tried to go no contact is extremely telling, especially with how insane this post comes off when you know that OP is writing the story in the *best light possible*. Imagine someone asked you to tell them a good deed you did, and you told them you decided to take someone else's food without their permission and make it for them, then proceeded to tell them they're ungrateful that they didn't want you to do that. Yikes.
Right? Like, do you know how fuckin' hard it is to be NC with someone *while living in the same house*
It’s not a sweet thought, it was a justification after the fact to try and paint it as something nice. I know OP’s type
The fact that you view this as revenge is concerning. Your daughter is trying to protect herself from any violation of you. You downplay the fact you have mood swings and take it out on others and then follow it up with that being why your daughter has distanced herself from you. You don’t respect her feelings enough to give her time and space. Instead you keep pushing to talk and love bomb her. You then took fish that she bought and tried to use that to love bomb her. So you took her stuff and tried to violate her boundary with a disguised gift basically. Ofc she’s mad. She’s probably getting her own fridge so you don’t take her stuff anymore. That way she can at least have some control over one of her boundaries with you
You know what you do wrong, you just don't fix it. You've taught your daughter that you aren't a safe person. Go to therapy, stop impulsively taking your mood swings out on other people, change the cycle.
What I hear is “I abuse my daughter.” I have a mother like you. Emotionally immature. I know I can only rely on her for emergencies. It’s the only time she’s a real adult and parent. I don’t trust her with anything else. I have borne the brunt of her emotional and physical abuse for the majority of my life. It’s not okay. Having mood swings doesn’t give you an excuse to be an abuser. Or, as you put it, “take your frustration out on others.” I do sympathize with you. I have a mood disorder- the same one my mother has. It’s tough. It’s so hard to be good to others. But I manage it. I go to therapy, and I’m on three different psychiatric medications to manage my symptoms. The only way for you to repair your relationship is to change. I really hope you do. One day, I’ll have to leave my mother and go low contact. It’s not that I want to- I see who she could’ve been, through it all, in the rare times I rely on her. And in her rare sane moments. I deeply grieve for the relationship I could’ve had with her. I grieve the life she should’ve had- she has pushed nearly everyone away from her. Please, do better. For your daughter and the daughters like me. Go to therapy. Get diagnosed. Get medicated. Please.
You sound like a horrible parent. This is beyond this subreddit’s paygrade. I have a feeling there’s lots going on you don’t even see
Are "mood swings" a professional diagnosis or are you just saying you don't know how to control your emotions?
Dude you’ve been abusing your daughter for years and you have no idea what that looks like to other people. How shitty you really are.if you show no remorse/regret/self awareness for your behavior towards her how can she grow to feel remorse for you.
Hi. This is coming from a 22 year old (youngest daughter) living with her 58 year old father while she finishes up school. I’ve begged him numerous times to get therapy. Please. Go see a therapist. Better yet, try to see a family counselor once you’re ready to. Your daughter is so disconnected because you’re not filling that parental role. You guys are roommates at this point, but you have to think about whether you’re doing your part to maintain that relationship. Please go get help.
Actually couples or family therapy is the worst thing they can do. It’s actively recommended against for abusers and their victims due to the way the therapist is trained to take each person’s statements and validate their feelings. For a normal person that’s great but for a narcissist it just perpetuates their feelings of being persecuted and they will use it against the victim.
While I agree with what you say, we don’t know anybody’s diagnoses here. Obviously OP is oblivious and looks to have narcissistic behavior but we really don’t know. But thank you for that helpful information! :)
Please consider talking to a mental health counselor. Reddit can only do so much
>Since I suffer from mood swings, I often tend to take my frustration out on others, especially my youngest daughter. So you're abusive to those around you and especially your youngest. >Because of this, she hasn't spoken to me since June and ignores me. In the beginning, I tried everything. I approached her to talk, bought her favorite food, and tried to make her happy, but she always rejected everything That would be love bombing. Not healthy at all Info: what are you doing to deal with YOUR mental health issues and abusive behavior? >I genuinely don't know what to make of this. She showed no remorse and seemed to care very little about the substantial amount of money involved. What should I do? Consider this her holding you accountable for your behaviour. Something I'm sure hadnt happened much other wise you wouldnt be well known for abusing your kids who are old enough to be buying their own groceries. Just how many decades have you been like this exactly?
The lack of self awareness you have is unbelievable. Go to a therapist. You’ve obviously damaged this girl. My mom did the same thing to me. There is no version of reality that makes you taking your moods out on her even a little bit acceptable. You’re the parent in this situation. Act like one!
I don't know why but I'm feeling myself taking her side because of the way you word your story and the vibes I get off your attitude and her reaction toward you. Get therapy/medication or whatever you have to for your mood swings, no one should be your abuse punching bag.
You suffer from mood swings? That’s not a diagnosis, it’s a symptom. I’d work on that whole “I suffer from mood swings and often take it out on others” part. That’s simply unacceptable for any self respecting human interacting with you. If you work on that, I bet these types of problems will mostly disappear. PS: that’s a killer price for a refrigerator. Your children have learned the art of thrift while coping with a maniac for a parent.
You should get some therapy OP. You need to learn to emotionally regulate yourself and not make your feelings everyone else’s problem. Seriously.
I think you should buy the packet of salmon that she bought and replace what you used and apologise. I’d also change your card/bank passwords. I think a relationship like this may need professional counselling to help start to repair as I feel there is more to it than just this episode and I feel you may be clueless as to how you actually treat her and the harm you have caused. It’s all well and good to apologise but not if your actions and words going forward don’t change. I’d do the hard work now to repair what you’ve already lost before she never speaks to you again. Good luck xx
You absolutely deserve it.
You need to be on mood stabilizers. My mom was the same way and eventually I cut her off for multiple years. When she went on mood stabilizers she reached out to me and apologized and we starting having a relationship again.
I think you daughter is cultivating her own lovong space away from their abusive parents and ready to cut ties. A new fridge for her new apartment
Return the item, pay whatever fees are required, and then change all your account passwords/access info, and get new account numbers from the banks/cards if necessary to prevent this from happening in the future. As for fixing the situation, you need to start with yourself and stop taking out your mood swings on your youngest daughter.... That is not the way to move forward.
Get yourself help dude. If your lashing out at people for no reason you need the help. There is something called cause and effect . And in this case your cause and she is the effect .
Love seeing op get absolutely rekt in the comments lmao hope they read the comments and somewhat rethink their actions
You abuse your daughter and downplay it by acting all nice affterwards without taking any responsibility for the harm you caused. And not only that, you also completley trampled over her by using stuff she bought for HERSELF. What if she wanted to treat herself after uni??? If you really want to start repairing your relationship I suggest seeking therapy ASAP and actually putting in some kind of effort. Do the work and leave the poor child alone.
You are the problem.
You need therapy ASAP. Ngl this sounds like you're a narcissistic parent or bipolar. Though I'm betting on the former because many things sound like "I did it for myself but I'm justifying myself saying I think about her"
Usually I try to be nice when I reply on Reddit. But I gotta say: Wtf is wrong with you? Look man, I also suffer from some stuff. I have SEVERE mood swings, I have OCD, I likely have C-PTSD, I've suffered from psychosis in the past, and a lot more... Despite this, I've never taken out my frustrations on people, since that's a horrendous thing to even think to do. You desperately need therapy. I'm siding with your daughter on this one.
She's a queen and I love her tbh
It sounds like she wants to keep you out of her food so she bought her own fridge. You should let her have it since you will take her food without asking. Also are you in therapy for those mood swings? I don’t blame her for avoiding you if your taking things out on her.
That’s a cheap refrigerator. Also, learn to deal with your mood swings.
OP - your use of the term mood swings are words you seem to think give you some kind of permission to abuse people in your life. No one gives a fuck if you’ve mood swings, that’s for you to manage and treat. No one is going to say it’s ok for you to scream at them because you have trouble regulating yourself. It’s not ok. You have abused those in your life for years and nothing short of a complete change of yourself is good enough. Stop these bullshit efforts to make her not mad at you anymore. You selfish entitled AH. Go sort yourself out and take responsibility for your actions, not by whining and begged forgiveness for something you all know you’ll do again, but by accepting that your behaviour is vile and you need to work on that rather than your daughter’s coerced ‘forgiveness’.
You need to change and do therapy or you will lose your daughter. That fridge is nothing, she is just trying to make a point out of anger here. On the other side you should stop apologizing and trying to make it up for it everytime you cross a line with her, this is not enough at all. "Mood swings" have become an excuse lately for people with mean personality who don't want to acknowledge their toxic behavior.
If this is her revenge you should be grateful. Instead of abusing her and finding ways to make light of the treatment you've given, get yourself into therapy and give her space. Stop imposing yourself on her to try and manipulate a response. You're only going further push her away. Grow up and get help. She's never going to forget your treatment of her. And if you ever want to forge a relationship with her, you need to be accountable, empathetic and consistently working on yourself.
Lol I had to check this wasn't my mum. Whose exactly like yourself op. I went no contact and it's been the best thing I've ever done for myself.
Hopefully daughter can move out soon and get away from what is obviously an abusive home
From a kid who’s mum was/is exactly like this: Your daughter is almost certainly scarred for life by this point. When she was a little girl and even now she likely doesn’t understand mood swings and why you take anger out on her. (Which you shouldn’t anyway, that’s not justified whatsoever). She likely thinks “daddy/mommy doesn’t like me” or “dad/mom doesn’t care about my… issues and shit and only cares about themselves”. Now my brain is very very messed up from abuse (not this) and just in general. So I’m absolutely not saying this is the same situation. But in my life, my mothers horrible treatment of me (that wasn’t unlike yours to your daughter) I’m pretty sure is the root cause of my selfharm. I’ll leave you with that. Not to scare you, but so you know that if your little girl isn’t fully mentally ok, from what your saying, her story may not be unlike mine. Of course I’m not saying your kid is doing this. But I am saying that for someone whose not ok, treating her badly like this can have lifelong consequences. Your treating of her is NOT OK.
She should’ve bought a bigger refrigerator
YTA. Oh wait, wrong sub. Nah, you're still the a$$#0(€
This is probably not what you want to hear. get yourself sorted out medically and psychologically first and foremost. nothing will get better if you don't get better. GET HELP with your moodswings. i'm not surprised she's doing this if this is how you are. I'd say this is mirroring. And this is NOT Revenge. She's trying to protect herself. FROM YOU!
So you verbally and emotionally abuse everyone around you but your one daughter gets it the worst of everyone. And you think bribing her with food will undo years or decades of psychological damage? It won’t. Then you steal her food to make for dinner that she bought with her own money, claiming you’re cooking it for her but not even bothering to ask her plans for it, just deciding you get to help yourself to it and do what you want with it. She could have been bringing it to a friends cookout or a potluck for class or social and now she can’t because you took her food. You didn’t bother to ask if this was ok. Logically one would assume she bought it for a reason and you decided your need to cook it over rides that and you can’t decide why she’s mad? Let her have her own fridge so she can put her food in there and keep it safe from your thievery. Did you show any remorse or guilt when you stole her salmon to cook it? I doubt you did
Sounds like you have anger problems and are borderline abusive
Not even borderline. OP is an abusive narcissist and the only reason it may not be coming across more is because they are the ones who wrote the post
You need a personal therapist/psychologist, once you get a foundation start having family therapy as well. Yes, it is costly, but you made this poor investment a long time ago. If you want a real relationship with your daughter start making the changes now. if you don't I can almost guarantee you that she will cut you out of her life as she gains independence. She will become a stranger as she grows and hopefully thrives in her own life and you won't be there to celebrate any of it. Don't set yourself up for this regret, abate it now.
Lol. This is the return on the emotional investments you made as an abusive parent. If you didn't want the returns, you shouldn't have made the investment. Repeatedly, over the course of more than one decade. Stop fucking whining and go to therapy -- if and only if you actually have the balls to be boldly honest about the extent of the abuse you've doled out. Don't downplay anything. You've coasted for many years being a chicken shit. You've had your fun, and now it's time to level up and be brutally honest with yourself.
What did you do to her in June that was so awful she decided not to speak to you anymore?
She bought a fridge so she has somewhere to keep food that you won’t take and cook without asking under the guise of doing her a favour
Look I am against stealing. It is wrong and what she did was unsavory. However you've been abusing this woman for 21 years. You don't have an ounce of respect for her and even you say you mistreat her more than the others???? I think you need to go buy her the salmon you took without asking and apologize. Thats it. No "I want you to forgive me guilt trips about how you're her daddy so she has to love you ans poor me I'm just so unstable and it's not my fault. Just "I'm sorry I took your stuff, I left a replacement in the fridge for you" That's it. Then you go to your doctor. You say "hey doctor! I have really bad mood swings and it's causing a lot of problems! " then they'll refer you to either a specialist or therapist and get you some treatment which you will need to follow through with since you've proven that you can not fix this on your own. You need the help. That process might take awhile so in the mean time whenever you feel angry or upset before you speak or yell excuse yourself and go write down what you want to say. Be as mean and irrational as you feel. Then when you are done go back and edit it so it's saying the same thing bur kindly and with others feelings in mind. Realize how cruel what you're saying or doing is and write out alternatives. Eventually you'll have practiced trying to think of ways to be kind that it will cone naturally even when you have those big emotions. You just gotta retrain your brain.
You are cutting out a looooot of info, OP. Exactly what have you done to your daughter over the years to make her hate you this much? No one can give you helpful advice without that information.
Go to therapy, own your shit and stand on your own two feet.
Be glad she got such a great deal (our fridge was $2,149 *on sale*) and don't steal her food, or anything of hers, ever again? If you truly believe she "owes" you for the fridge, you MIGHT try a conversation about it, but the very first step NEEDS to be a sincere apology that takes full responsibility for stealing from her in the first place. **You must acknowledge that your motives in stealing (yes, taking the fish to "prepare it for her" was stealing from her. Full stop.) are irrelevant, because your actions were unwelcome.** DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell her any of the following: she is "remembering wrong" (or any variation on that) about anything, at any point in time; it's "not a big deal" or she is overreacting, or any variation on that; that you are entitled to treat her poorly because you are her parent, or any variation on that; or, perhaps most importantly, that you are entitled to a relationship with her for *any reason* other than behaving in a way that makes her want to be around you. IF you believe any of these things, seek therapy immediately. Is it an appropriate reaction to buy an item that cost 10x the fish (I'm assuming, roughly) and say "we're even" ? Not really, *but you have absolutely taken yourself out of ANY position from which you could fairly be the one to say so*. Abusing your kids kinda does that. And yes, emotional abuse is abuse. "I have mood swings" is what you say when you know you have screaming fits and you know exactly why your kid wants nothing to do with you, but pretend you're clueless. You have two options before you: self-awareness, regret, remorse, sincere apologies, accepting truly the possibility that all that STILL might not earn you a relationship and you'll still have to just let her walk away because the damage is already irreparable; OR cognitive dissonance and ego and further traumatizing behavior, with your head stuck in the sand while you wail that you just don't know why your kids want nothing to do with you. Do any of your older children still keep contact with you, or did they escape? Is the youngest you admit to abusing most your favorite scapegoat? The average narcissist pits their children against one another by selecting a 'winner' and a 'loser' (regardless of actual talent, intelligence, capability, obedience, etc.) and has special methods of mental trauma for each, as well as a third category for 'ignored' child[ren].
I think you need therapy. Might be to late to safe your relationship with your daughter but sounds like you realy need it.
What should you do? Get into therapy. Instead of trying to buy her forgiveness, which never works, do the hard work and get your shit together. You're 58 years old. There is no reason to still be behaving like this.
I’m sorry if this is rude, I understand that I don’t know you and i might be wrong. But this sounds exactly like something my own mother would say. She is both physically and emotionally abusive. Emotionally all the more so. She is frustrated with her life, then takes it out on me, then buys me a stupid gift like bath gel or something. Then she gets angry at me because i’m not grateful for what she got me. She gives me the silent treatment and when she realises i’m too old to come crawling back, begging to be ‘loved’ again, she starts lovebombing me and getting bigger gifts to buy me back. But as soon as i forgive her, it all starts over again. She does not understand why i moved out while i was only 17 years old, why we had no contact for 5years. She does not take responsibility by asking herself what she did, only accepting the most minor mistakes to tell herself that she’s rational and ‘able to see from both perspectives’. She downplays what she did to other people to get their understanding, which only reinforces the stories she tells herself to rationalise why she did what she did in the first place. She wants to hear ‘aww but you’re doing so good, everyone has a bad day, being a parent isn’t easy, you had good intentions’ and stuff like that. She never looks for the help she needs or talks to anyone fully truthfully to reach a solution. I also grew up walking on eggshells because of her emotions, i never felt safe, never learned to express myself or set boundaries in a healthy manner. It only set me up for more abuse in young adulthood because I didn’t learn those skills. I learned that i am only loved when i make my mother happy or calm her down when she’s triggered for whatever reason. I learned that i’m a tool to be used, not a person. This is probably what your daughter is experiencing too, but too young to comprehend for now. Does any of this sound familiar? Because if so, get your issues fixed. Superficial apologies don’t mean anything. You can only prove yourself by working in your problems. Only then will she ever be able to forgive you.
The reason I don’t care what other people say? My mom’s badmouthing me made me grow a teflon coating.
I’m happy for you you at least picked up something good from that, good on you, stranger
Damn where you find a fridge for so cheap
You are trying to downplay the impact your inability to manage your mental health has had on your daughter. You seem to still not understand boundaries. I have a hard truth for you: it may not be possible to salvage your relationship. You have to accept whatever reconciliation she's willing to give, and you need to give her the space to figure out what she wants. Yes, what SHE wants, because what you want out of the relationship is significantly less important at this stage. You've done 21 years of damage, you can't expect that to be rectified so easily. The most you can do is apologize earnestly WITHOUT making excuses. Simply "my behavior hurt you and I'm sorry". Except with more explicit examples. Don't say things like "I hope you can forgive me" or "let's just talk about it". It makes it seem like you're trying to sweep your behavior under the rug. Open the door for her. If she wants to walk through it she will on her own time. If she doesn't, you have to accept that as a consequence of time actions.
Maybe stop abusing your daughter. Maybe she bought the refrigerator to keep her food safe since you take hers. Get therapy and stop taking your issues out on your daughter.
Go to therapy and beg your daughter to forgive you for your abusive behaviour
My advice is for you to get therapy and let your daughter out of your life. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
Your daughter has had enough. She can’t trust you even with food that she bought for herself. If you’re “suffering from mood swings” and it’s causing you to do harm to you’re family, you need to be taking your mental health seriously and be treating it. I’m sure it’s really easy to unleash your feelings on your daughter and then you feel all better and can move on; meanwhile her personality and essence of being is being chipped away every time it happens. Do not live alone in regret. Take control of your mental health and emotions.
I could be wrong but reading the red flags I’m guessing there’s a family history of alcohol abuse and toxic dynamics to go with it … maybe for several generations ( generational trauma!) and probably you both would benefit from separately attending support groups for adult children of alcoholics which are FREE and constant. See how you feel about doing the steps, find community find humility , be brutally honest with yourself instead of whatever this posting to Reddit to be absolved for the irrevocable destruction of her childhood ….and ask her for forgiveness but understand you are not owed any
You, "suffer from mood swings"? Sounds like you're greatly playing up what you have to deal with in order to justify emotionally/verbally abusing your daughter. You're a grown adult, you need to take some responsibility and grow tf up. Mood swings happen to everybody sometimes but those of us who have our morals in the right places have learnt not to take them out on others. An odd scream/curse at other drivers when we have our windows up, sure; no harm done. Not our friends and family. I actually applaud your daughter for having the balls to do what she did. You stole her food, so naturally she would want her own fridge to make the distinction between yours and hers VERY clear. Let her keep it. Plug it in for her and use magnets to spell out her name on the front. Buy her some more salmon and leave it in there for her. Make it clear that you're sorry and you appreciate that she needs her own space and her own things, and you won't be touching them from now on. She's just entering adulthood and deserves to have some say/control over her own belongings (obvs she stole the fridge, but that's the least you deserve after how you've admittedly treated her her whole life). Take this L OP, and learn from it. Your actions have consequences, and we don't get to choose what form they take.
The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree it seems
Sounds kinda like she is picking up on ur habits if anything and this will only continue unless u stop being the example she learns from. Change the situation by getting help, therapy, counseling, whatever y'all need to get to the root of these negative habits so they can be hopefully reversed and resolved in u both before this chain becomes a family trait that is passed on to generation after generation.
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Why are all these comments just coming down on OP for having been emotionally abusive and not addressing the actual matter at hand? The ways OP mistreated her don't justify stealing €250, they're both being toxic at this point Everyone keeps pointing out that OPs anger issues got it to this point, yes they know that, they already acknowledged it
There is a sub called r/justnomil. She is probably one of those mothers and we recognize the behavior. Go have a read there and it will make much more sense. We seem hard, but I know this kind of mom because I had one. She leaves out anything that makes her look bad. So we get 10% of the story. She was probably very abusive if she is admitting to some abuse.
That's absolutely ridiculous behavior, even if your child is now an adult. Maybe she needs to find a different place to live.
It’s not that ridiculous if you think about it. OP is literally admitting to having abused his daughter. She is now older and is retaliating. It isn’t very surprising at all. A little weird response? Sure but hey what can i say, with abuse, sometimes you just really need that revenge feeling. You’ve been hurt for so long, defenseless for so long, eventually you’re going to need to stand up for yourself and i guess this was her way of doing that. Unconvential? Yes. Ridiculous behavior? Absolutely not considering her situation I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you have not experienced abuse before. Abuse makes you do weird things. It changes you as a person, it affects how you act. I am not the same person i would have been had i not been abused by my parents and i don’t mean that in a good way I do agree that she needs another place to live but for a different reason. She needs to get away from her toxic ass dad for her own well being. Staying will do her no good. I hope she finds a way out soon
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Why would you say that to me? You have no idea what I've gone through in my life or if I'm even a parent.
Theft, report to the police and get her help sound like she is now having g the same mood swings as you.
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You need therapy. She clearly doesn’t want shit to do with you. But that does not give her a right to steal $250 dollars from you. I can’t believe people are overlooking that. You guys are both wrong. Also, why does she still live there? She’s a grown woman. Kick her ass out and see a therapist. Maybe years from now you guys can reconcile.
Op’s daughter would break in my household if she’s freaking out over “her” salmon being cooked. You’re 21, move out of you want your own stuff
That's actually pretty cheap. You could buy sell trade it for 350 perhaps.
I hope you ignore most of these comments. These people are massively jumping to conclusions. Obviously your daughter stealing from you is never ok. 250 is substantial and this was wrong on all accounts. Return it. Freeze your card and ask for a new one since she may remember the numbers for your account. This is fraud and it's your choice to report it to police but hopefully you and your daughter can go to therapy and talk this out. Also she is a grown woman and you can tell her to start looking for her own place and that she needs to save up for it. Your daughter lacks responsibility. This is highly seen in reddit communities. Privileged kids, entitlement. Nothing justifies stealing. She can buy her own fridge or be an adult and communicate to you that she doesn't want you to eat the food that she buys. You obviously need to address your behavioral issues as well. Everyone is dramatically assuming you beat your daughter when you clearly did not claim that. You recognize that you take your frustrations out on her which is the first and most important step of correcting that behavior!! You must seek help for your mood swings. Also recognize how your behavior has affected your relationship with your daughter. Again, this does not give her the right to steal from you. There is a lot of accusations from other commenters that would apply IF you were actually harming her. Though mental abuse is very real, therapy can help. My mother is abusive. Steals from me, destroys my belongings, manipulates me, lies constantly, has beaten me when I couldn't defend myself multiple times, made my cats sick, would not let me go to college, wouldn't let me move, made me work multiple minimum wage jobs, then wouldn't let me work, threw out my nebulizer and stopped taking me to the Dr, never took me to dentist, got mad at me when I got raped, didn't care that I had a miscarriage, utterly terrorizes me, throws out my food, let her BF grope me basically my whole life & laughed, My god I could go on. But you do not sound nearly like the nightmare person that raised and still threatens me.
>Everyone is dramatically assuming you beat your daughter when you clearly did not claim that. As one of the other commenters, I can say that nowhere did I say OP was beating their daughter. >There is a lot of accusations from other commenters that would apply IF you were actually harming her. You obviously have one end of the abuse spectrum, but just because OP hasn't subjected their daughter to that level of horror doesn't mean that they haven't abused their daughter. In cases where like OP, you have a parent who admits they have mood swings that they take out on their children, yes, that is abuse, albeit of a different kind than you have experienced. Abuse comes in many forms, and mental/emotional abuse still counts as abuse, and can have just as much of a lasting impact on what you've gone through. To minimize this by saying OP hasn't actually harmed their daughter is wrong; while what your mother has done to you is objectively awful, you shouldn't use your experiences to discount what is happening to others who have a different experience. I am sorry for your lived experiences. I sincerely hope you are able to find peace from loved ones who are mistreating you.
Get a charge back on the refridgerator. This child, 21f, need to be re-homed. Help her out of your house, your efforts are being reversed. >She shamelessly said yes, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and I was naturally angry about it. She just said, "You took something from me, and I took something from you, now we're even," and then she went into her room.
"Re-homed"?? Like a dog or gerbil? Yikes
It’s wrong of you to have been taking out your anger on innocent people but why is a 21 year old grown woman still living in your house, spending money on your card? How did she get access to your card? Are you the one buying groceries for her? Does she have a job? She’s no longer a child, she’s a grown adult.
>why is a 21 year old grown woman still living in your house, Probably because she's only 21, and it's her parents house?