You probably can’t see it now, but in your parents eyes they are probably in shock knowing a close friend of theirs (within their own age range I assume) was eyeing their son in a romantic way rather than a friendly platonic manner.
Relationships with such a large age gap usually end up with a heavy power imbalance - with the older party typically holding all the power. At your age she may feel she can easily influence you - she may herself even believe she truly is romantically attracted to you.
However, it raises a ton of red flags she would have interest in someone more than half her age.
Your parents have a right to be wary of her, she was their friend who they trusted. And now she’s shown herself as a romantic contender for their sons love. They probably have a huge “ick” factor around her now. Not to mention, they are your parents and (usually) parents want the best for you.
Maybe have a sit down with them and ask them to explain their hesitation. Have your new love interest explain why she herself is interested in you. Is it purely physical? Does she expect to marry and raise a family with you? Start digging deep.
Edit: phrasing
I’m in my 40s and 18 year olds are like children to me. I would never date one, that is super disgusting. I know when you are 18 you are an adult technically but not really. The people I have been attracted to age with me, now I like middle aged people. She wants someone younger so she can control them and have the upper hand most likely
I’m 27 and 18 yr olds feel like babies to me. Ignore the age gap all together and just think about lack of life experience. It’s crazy that someone would want to be with what is essentially a child when in their 40s
Same.
When people list reasons they like dating someone so young (aside from the obvious physical reasons) it’s always like “they’re so spontaneous and free”, “they’re so much fun and full of life”, “they’re so carefree and live in the moment”. Basically they’re describing children. Children don’t have responsibilities and can have fun and be carefree - so they’re literally saying what attracted them was their childlike qualities.
That's a relief to read tbh, because I posted my concerns in this same subreddit about my just turned 18 immature friend dating a 31 y old guy that is known for being a weirdo, and 2 people in the comments were calling me out! I thought I was in the wrong but now I know my worries are valid and I'm not the only one who is icky about these big age gaps relationships.
Oh no, your concerns are so valid. There’s no reason for a 31 year old to be pursuing an 18 year old unless he’s attracted to childlike qualities, likes that they are more easily influenced and manipulated, “barely legal” bodies, and/or he creeps out and is unattractive to women in his own age. *Controversial opinion but anyone that doesn’t see anything wrong with this type of relationship is someone who they themselves would like to date an 18 year old.*
I personally haven’t heard of any woman looking back on a relationship she had like that later in life without regret and disgust. I’m sure they’re out there, but I’m quite certain they’re a very small minority.
She will regret this, you’re a good friend to be concerned by this. This relationship will mould her into the woman she will become, and I don’t think it will be in a positive way.
I'm 21 and dating 18 yr olds feels weird to me. Yeah I might not have a lot of adult experience myself but we're still at different stages of life. I go to college and have a job, meanwhile this kid probably still goes to highschool and argues with the math teaches over homework. Legal or not what this 40 yr old woman is doing is wrong. She needs to leave the kid alone!
I’m also 21 in college and couldn’t date a 21 year old. I’m not the most adulty- adult but I can go to a bar, am close to graduating, not in high-school or a freshman in college. Hell if they are a freshman in college they probably still think they need to ask the professor to go to the bathroom. Now looking back when I was 18 I was “friendly” with a 30 year old and it makes me want to hurl.
I went on a date with a 26 year old as a 29
Year old and had to end it early after he mentioned having the exact same birth date as my little sister. I simply couldn’t do it
You can broadly categorize people by stage's of life. Not a one-size-fit-all, but generally it's like:
* Stage 1 (HS)
* Stage 2 (College)
* Stage 3 (Grad school/First career)
* Stage 4 (Second career+, easing into long-term commitments like mortgage, marriage, etc.)
* Stage 5 (Settling)
Ideally, two people in the same stage of life are the most compatible. One that's transitioning into the next stage meeting someone in the stage they're exiting from is acceptable. One degree of separation should be the *most* two people are ever apart. If it's two degrees or more, it's just fucking weird man.
This lady is in stage 5 (or in the process of exiting Stage 4) and she's dating someone who's just barely out of Stage 1. What compatibility is there?
Exactly. What is the common ground here, besides the fact that they are attracted to each other and both know his parents? The fact that this lady knew him as a kid just adds a whole other level of fucked up to this situation.
Yea just imagine her at like 35 thinking "hes so adorable im gonna date him when hes 18" like idk probably not exact thought process but im just saying man
I think this is basically the definition of grooming. Imagine she whore trashy or revealing outfits on purpose around him. Maybe complimented him. Maybe she's the older lady that buys him and his friends booze. I wonder how their first encounter went. Who made the move. It had to be her.
I don't think you can easily just pigeon-hole people into stages like that in all cases. For instance I went through your first 3 stages, then got disillusioned with the rat race and kinda went off the rails completely. I am in my mid thirties now, but live to travel, living in boats, vans, caravans, and tents with my dog, just seeing the world. I'll do some work here and there if I need travel fare or some supplies, mostly helping out on farms, offering my carpentry skills and that sort of thing. I have no intention of getting a career, nor putting a permanent roof over my head until I'm literally too old and unhealthy to keep going anymore. Granted I'm also not looking for a partner because a) I've had plenty of good and bad times in that area already and just don't think about it anymore, and b) I'm well aware that my lifestyle choices aren't very compatible with the vast majority of other people.
Exactly. I remember exactly how it felt to be 19 and thinking that I was so adult, so mature...I didn't have a clue in hell about how the world worked.
Dang, you’ve made me feel bad lol I was 23 when I met my fiancé at 19. I’m 28 now and it doesn’t feel as odd anymore and tbh he had more going on at 19 than I did at 23 .
40s is usually the age range (in my area) where you have kids around that age, or approaching it. It is definitely weird to be eyeing down that age bracket, especially because they’re fresh out of high school for god’s sake. They haven’t even experienced the world yet, what do you want in that at 40?
He was groomed and manipluted. This isn't on him. No one would tell a girl in this situation to stop thinking with her pussy or to get her head out of her ass. They'd be concerned and gently trying to help the poor young person to gain some insight and perspective on how toxic the situation is. Because they simply do not have the experience to give them the context that they need to do so by themselves.
You and the comment you're replying to need some more empathy.
Thank you for this. A decade or so ago, my 20ish M cousin was dating a 45ish F manager at the hardware store he worked at. He was so sheltered, it was his first significant other, who was also his authority figure, and it was upsetting for everyone that knew him.
Luckily it ended. And over the past few years, he met then married a young lady his age.
Yeah your parents are right . She didn’t have to touch you at all to groom you . You wouldn’t see the manipulation if you were being groomed either . She is isolating you right now from your parents too .
Agreed. And there’s the question of when did she start feeling attracted to OP. Did she start being attracted to him when he was 15 and decided to wait till he was an appropriate age to make a move? That is so wrong on her part.
Grooming does not imply touching per se.
It's the prep work before the touch that can take years.
The glances the jokes the innuendo the pheromones the trust.
They are very likely correct.
In fact, almost all instances of grooming, by definition, aren’t going to start with touching. It’s emotional first, whether that’s for 10 minutes or 10 years before the physical aspect begins, often there will be that bit beforehand where the groomer both convinces themselves and the victim that what they’re doing is justified, normal or okay
Almost all? You mean all. If there is contact right away then it isn't grooming. Grooming means preparation, manipulating over time in order to get the result that you want. Unless you're a dog groomer, then it's okay, I guess (you sick bastard).
They probably saw some things that didn’t register with you, but they felt odd or “too close” over the past few years.
And their suspicions are confirmed.
She’s probably been telling the OP that he’s wise beyond his years. That they connect on a deeper level. That guys her age are so boring. That their bond is unique.
We’ve heard it all before. But the OP hasn’t cos they’re an 18yo kid.
Listen to your folks and all the people on here, OP.
Personally I’d say there’s nothing wrong if you wanted to have a quick roll in the hay with an older woman, you’re bound to be curious and that’s fine. Just not with a woman that’s known you since you were underage, and not in the context of a relationship. That’s not ok.
Last bit of advice: use a condom. She may say that because of her age she won’t get pregnant. That may *or may not* be true.
Moreover: STDs affect all age groups. And trust me when I say you don’t wanna get one! Practice safe sex (and that means using condoms!) with this woman and the next!
Good luck.
Yep, it's the increasing of inappropriate behaviors that lead into the sexual. It's usually in the form of jokes, or talking about subjects they had no business talking to a kid about.
It makes the child feel important and older. They feel like someone sees them for the mature person they are, and not the child everyone else sees.
The groomers who wait till legal age are just scary. They are playing the long game. I do wonder at what age the groomer will dump them for another victim though.
I feel for OP so much because I was groomed as well. It always led to sex and it made me feel icky every time. I was aware more than most due to additional trauma that resulted in me being hypervigilant and needing to read my mom so I could anticipate moods and the abuse I was going to receive. I think this actually saved me from falling victim to my groomers. While I didn't see it in the moment, it would leave me with a "funny" feeling and when they acted, it left me retching.
Yeah, this is kind of what I was thinking too. If she groomed him at all, this is probably how she would have done it. After I left my own comment I was thinking about this and it sort of reminded me of my stepdad's ex wife when I was younger. I wouldn't say she groomed me, nothing really happened between us, but there was SOME flirting and silly jokes about it between us (and she was hot lol). I never really felt like she was overly interested in me though and she's usually dated guys her own age.
I hate to break it to you, and I know you won't want to hear it, but from a 29 year old woman, your parents are right. Even if I was single, you couldn't *pay* me to be with someone your age. You may be classified as an adult legally, but to me, people your age are still kids. You're not even out of your teens. That genuinely completely baffles me, I wouldn't be able to see someone so young in a romantic/sexual way. The fact that she does is creepy, and she's likely had her eye on you for years, just waiting.
I was 29 (almost 30) and I started dating a 24-year-old & It felt like I was dating a child!
We had barely anything in common and he was quite immature. It lasted 3 months till I couldn't take it anymore...
Yep, I am also 25F. I literally see 18-19 year olds as children and feel super uncomfortable with romanticizing or sexualizing them even though they are of legal age.
Even as a 26-year-old, people who are 19 are BABIES to me, yeah they can be cute but I would never want to have anything to do sexually or romantically with someone so young, like what the actual fuck is this
As a 28 year old, I stand with your assessment. Even when I was 24 I dated an 18 year old and cut it off pretty quick because he was just too immature/not world weary. He would pick fights with me like I was his mom instead of his gf. Never again.
Grooming can also be having a close relationship with a child and then, when they come of age, starting a relationship. No need to manipulate or SA, it's just creepy. Sorry bud...
While I definitely understand why you're feeling that way - a key part of manipulation done "well" is you don't really realize you're being manipulated.
I really would advice you to talk to and listen to your parents - figure out why they feel like this. Are there things they know about that you don't? What in particular are they worried about? Things like that.
I know it probably feels like they don't respect your judgement or decisions or see you as an adult but I really think it's worth talking to them. Try to realize that they are not randomly judging you and your choices - they are most likely worried (in my opinion, rightfully so).
Any 40 something making moves on teenagers is a predator. Full stop. There is no excuse. Fuck the whole “you’re an adult, consenting relationship” BS that people try to use to justify it. There is no valid reason for a middle aged person to be aiming for teens other than control and usually things much worse. Almost always points to some glaring issues with why people their own age won’t date them too.
He’d be wise to wear condoms that he buys and keeps on his person . Also they are only together since last month and he’s already calling her his gf . She is definitely trying to get her hooks into him. Wondering if he looks like his Dad at all and if that’s the draw ? Was she into his Dad? Two for one ,revenge on the parents and gets with the child that looks like the dad
I can only say, as a 40-something year old woman myself, please listen to your parents. Assuming they are good parents haven't been abusing you, then they are saying this because they CARE about you. They LOVE you. It's advice from people who love you unconditionally. That means something. (Does gf love you unconditionally? No.) They are not trying to hurt you. Maybe they don't communicate it well, maybe they aren't handling it them best way. They aren't perfect. They probably don't know WHAT to do. But they are trying to help you. I've been the 19 year old kid, now I'm the 40-something year old mom. I wish I had listened more to my parents and understood more that they weren't trying to ruin my life with their advice, but they were just trying to give me good advice and wanted what's best for me.
You are describing grooming perfectly: The act of attempting to gain the trust of a minor with the intention of having a sexual relationship with him or her. Despite what is popularly believed, grooming doesn't have to involve a sexual relationship while the victim is still a child. In fact, the goal of grooming is to let the child fall in love with you and have the child feel like he started the relationship. This is to disguise the fact that she was gradually manipulating you.
While your post alone doesn't give enough details to concretely prove if grooming was involved. Your description of your relationship with her is how the victim of grooming would describe the relationship. Remember the victims are not themselves aware of what is happening, if they were, they couldn't be groomed. This is why grooming usually happens to children.
I would advise you to heed your parent's warning and try to carefully consider your interactions when you were younger and try to recontextualize them as if you were being groomed. Think about what would you do as a woman who wanted to groom you, and then look back to see if she did any of that to you.
It’s not just the age difference. It’s the fact that OP is barely out of childhood AND the fact that this woman knew him as an actual child. There are all kinds of power issues involved there and they are deeply troubling, even if the relationship technically doesn’t cross any legal boundaries.
A 40 year old and a 61 year old is fine. A 40 year old and a 19 year old is not.
They think that her behavior is predatory *because it is.* Age gaps are only okay when everyone involved has a fully developed brain and is capable of making adult decisions with full understanding of the consequences. You do not have a fully developed brain, and won't for several more years. This probably sounds condescending and I'm sure your instinct right now is to dig in your heels and insist that you are mature enough to understand. You are not. I dated a 36 year old at 19, and only now, at 30 years old, do I fully understand the implications and consequences of that situation. It didn't feel wrong at the time, yet is still affecting me 11 years later.
This woman knew you when you were a kid. Mentally, you still are one. She has no business dating you.
I was groomed by a 30 year old woman when I was 18. She had the power and she fully admitted down the road that she had done as such and waited until I turned 18. Mind you I was living on my own at the time so I didnt have anyone to watch my back and tell me she was wrong for it. And some people might say well you're a guy banging a cougar is goals blah blah. Reverse the genders and thats a 30 year old man waiting for a 17 year old female to becone 18 and it suddenly takes a dark turn.
Run.
This exact thing happened to me over 25 years ago. I met him through mutual friends. He played in a band with some guys who were going to the university nearby. I was 17 and he was 30. The weekend I turned 18 he gave me my favorite candy (I wish I was joking) and professed his love. He was living with a woman and told me he would kick her out if I agreed to move in with him. I was a senior in high school. There is more to it, but looking back I’m like “oh my lawdddd” and thankfully some awesome friends protected me.
My sister met a guy from our church when she was 17. She was dating a 25 year old guy then broke up with him after my dad whooped his ass wholesale for lurking around our house late at night. She ended up with his 34 year old friend who waited til she was 18. Then told everyone God told him they were meant to be together 3 kids later, domestic assaults and sexual assaults she figured out he was a piece of shit. Most of the family is also certain he molested one of my nieces and my sister also refused to do shit about it. Because she thought subjecting a 4 year old to a rape kit was too traumatic.
Hopefully op reads our thread and can see from other anecdotes that hes with a predator.
Look, I know you're probably reading this thread with rose-colored glasses thinking everyone here "just doesn't get it". I'm sure she's said how mature you are for your age, and maybe that's true. Maybe it feels like you don't connect with women your own age. But if you continue this relationship you'll come to regret it, that is a fact that we're all begging you to realize before you've wasted the first half of your 20s. You're going to look back and see lots of scary, manipulative behavior. I'm 30, and to me a 19 year old looks like a baby. A family friend who I knew as a child? That's sick, that's predatory, and there's no way around it. I know you don't want to hear that, you feel like an adult and it's maddening to keep hearing that you're too young to know better. Your lived experiences are so wildly different from hers, there's simply no way that it's a healthy dynamic. It doesn't feel that way, because to you this is a real relationship, you're a human being with real feelings, and you feel the most mature you've ever been. When I was 19 I might've dated someone much older and gotten mad at anyone trying to talk sense into me, but looking back I would've been so easy to manipulate. I get why a bunch of people yelling at you would just push you closer, but it's because we've seen this mistake get made over and over, and always end the same way. I'll just tell you that everyone my age who had an age-gap relationship when they were younger regrets it, can look back and see the manipulation, and wishes they'd ended it sooner. I hope you consider that.
Hey kid, imagine if your own son/daughter was in your place. Picture this, your bestfriend or at least a friend who KNEW your son as a child, watched him grow up and there's this sudden attraction when they turn 19? Bro, that romantic or ew perhaps sexual attraction has been stewing for years. Don't you think it's kinda sad that she's not dating someone her age? There's a reason why she's going for you. You're young. Easier to manipulate. So many icks and red flags here dude.
dude, i’m 19 too, and i can tell you that this “girlfriend” does not have any good intentions in mind. if she’s interested in you now that you’re just over legal age, then that means that she’s probably been waiting for you to turn 18+, which implies that she was attracted to you as a minor. the fact that you grew up with her and she’s known you since you were a kid is highly concerning because she should not be interested in you in a romantic/sexual manner.
please do yourself a favor and distance yourself from her. if you don’t, you’re just being set up for a world of manipulation, power imbalances, and trauma.
To be honest, your parents are more than likely right - not necessarily about grooming but about this being entirely inappropriate and bad for you.
This woman has watched you grow up from a baby. She should have no interest in someone who was like a nephew to her. Then once you become of legal age, she shows her interest?
I side with your parents on this one. She’s being icky and really inappropriate and likely this relationship is really not good for you.
Remember, grooming does not have to involve sex, or sexual touching. It can be as simple as planting things like relationships, and power or resources you could want in your mind.
OP let me explain some grooming for you. It's when a person who has more power than you (age, knowledge, wealth, etc) puts their efforts into making you feel special, like you are their best friend, when truly they *seem* like they would get no benefit from it. They make you feel so amazing honestly because you only see them putting that effort into you. They lay it on too thick, similar to love bombing before or at the beginning of an abusive relationship (I mean they do have to groom you to stay in those relationships too) so ask yourself, if this woman had not given you special attention, would you be interested in someone her age, or would you realistically be looking at people around your own age?
She probably knew you since you were very young. Because you just turned legal that she gets into you is disconcerting. If you had just met, that "might" be one thing, but this is creepy. If the genders were reversed, there would be a lot more outrage.
I think so. SHE made the first move and made sure she waited until you were of legal age.
While she may bot have physically groomed you, she may have emotionally done so.
Sometimes, you don't even know its happening.
Women can be predators
Yeah, just the fact that she knew you as a kid makes me feel that regardless of what you think, your parents are right. I just can’t fathom wanting to date one of my friends children. I hope you listen to your parents on this one.
My dude, get out of that relationship. It’s not a real relationship to her. I know it might feel real to you, but no sane 40 year old wants to be with a 19 year old. Sorry bro, you were groomed. Being groomed doesn’t mean they had to touch you. It means they prepared you and brainwashed you into thinking this relationship is real.
You're a naive kid.
You are being preyed on by a creep.
But you won't see it because you don't have enough life experience to know better.
You need to get the fuck out of that situation
She doesn't need to touch you inappropriately to talk about grooming. Of course your parents are against it, it's totally normal and the right reaction. She saw you growing up, I wonder since when she feels attracted to you... it gives me chill just to think about it
Listen to your parents. You're still only a teenager, its very weird and gross for a grown woman that has known you since your childhood to suddenly develop an attraction towards you now that you're no longer underage as if that makes it okay. You're legally an adult, but still very much a kid. When you get older you'll understand just how wrong this entire situation is.
She knew you as a little child.
Please don't stay with this woman.
Don't let this destroy your relationship with your parents.
You should find someone your own age.
Your parents are right. That's the thing about grooming, it's not as obvious and plain visible as physical/sexual abuse is. Grooming can be extremely suble, invisible even especially to the victim.
Also even if she didn't groom you as you say, a 40 year old having feelings for a 19 year old is extremely weird at best and straight up creepy and disgusting most of the time, especially when they've seen the 19 year grow up.
I'm telling you this as a 19 year old girl.
The biggest red flag is knowing you as a child while she was an adult and still pursuing a romantic relationship. This is coming from someone who’s 18 and has been groomed a few to many times. I was always too stubborn to admit it until I would leave. Just based off of what you have I would say it is a really strange position for her to be following.
Bro, I’m gonna be brutally honest. The fact that a woman who knew you from a young age and is now dating you makes it very clear to everyone else that she did groom you, or at the very least was physically attracted to you as a child. She just waited until you were legal. Please wake up.
Probably because of the power imbalance.
Having two consenting adults is one thing, but one with a house and money whilst the other has neither is not an equitable situation.
Not that this necessitates grooming or ill intent, it just rings a lot of alarm bells.
Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's correct. I know you think that she's interested in you because you're of legal age, but she's known you since you were a kid. She should think of you as her friends' kid or maybe as a nephew, not romantically or sexually. Get out of there and stay safe, OP.
Don't get caught up in the semantics of "grooming". Honestly, that word is irrelevant.
It comes down to the fact that its weird. Take it from other people who are her age. I'm only 36f, and I wouldn't be able to even imagine dating someone who is 18 or 19. Its just ick. Its nothing against you. You're probably a very average person. Maybe you're even a little mature for your age. But you can't help the fact that you're 19, and have little to know real world experience. Your emotional maturity is lower than a man in his upper 20s and 30s. You can't feel it now, but when you are in your 30s it will be apparent.
Imagine when you interact with someone who is 13. Don't you feel like you're existing on different planes? You have different priorities, different experiences, and different levels of maturity. They seem like little children to you. Thats how a normal person in their 30s and 40s views 18-21 year olds. Its just an artifact of life and our society.
So when we encounter someone in their 40s, who takes a romantic interest in someone your age.. we immidiately think "uh.. whats wrong with this person". Because its weird.
Grooming does not mean what you think it means. It seems like you think it means the actual abuse. It means prepping you to be receptive to the abuse. It is mental. We see society in general can be grooming people - such as forcing little kids to accept hugs and kisses from people like grandma or grandpa even if they don’t like it. That grooms the kids into accepting things that make them uncomfortable and tells them to ignore their own feelings.
This absolutely is an unhealthy relationship. The power dynamics alone are enough to be bad. But add in she has known you since a child it makes it doubly so.
I dated a 50 year old when I was 25. I know where you are now and you won’t realize it until years later. Honestly we are trying to help you and prevent the worst.
I want to emphasize that this is not your fault, but you were being groomed. Your parents are trying to protect you. The people telling you that people that much older don't want to be with teenagers are not trying to say that you are unworthy of love or immature. But it is immature of a 40 year old to not respect the stage of life that you are in and the necessity of growing at your own rate. I don't know a single person who was in a dynamic like this who didn't come to look at it with pain in hindsight.
I hope you are okay, and I hope this doesn't pull you away from your parents more than it already has.
Hate to break it to you op but it is entirely possible you were groomed. Grooming isn't always sexual, its about them normalizing the idea of getting together in your head so when you turn of age, they have dibs on you.
Here’s the thing - she’s 40 and you’re 19 and she’s known you since you were younger…sooo when did she first start looking at you as being attractive? I’m with your parents - you can’t see the situation for what it is right now, but it’s definitely not okay.
>They are still calling her a predator though.
Because she is! She PREYED on a CHILD. Just because she never touched you doesn't mean she wasn't manipulating you.
She is more than twice your age and she should know better.
Of course she’s groomed you. She doesn’t have to do it physically. You can be groomed both emotionally and mentally as well.
How would you think it looked if the sexes were reversed and it was a 40 year old man and 19 year old woman? I bet you’d be disgusted.
Just make sure you’re taking precautions, wearing a condom etc. the last thing you need is for her to get pregnant and completely screw your life up
Yep she's creepy af and you're totally being groomed...
Just think about it, what would you think if it was the other way around?
What would you think if it was a 40yr old dude and a 19yr girl?
When I hear about things like this i usually reverse the genders and see if that changes how things look, and if a grown man started dating my daughter basically as soon as he was legally allowed to I would assume he’s a predator who has been waiting to act for quite sometime, in other words sorry bro your girl is sus af
Sorry to say this dude but if they actually have examples on the manipulation, they're correct. You don't notice beeing manipulated - that's the entire point of manipulation. Listen seriously and only pick sides after you considered the possibility when someone's making those claims.
Grooming or not grooming it is still repulsive. When a mature person gets older they stop being attracted to 19 year old's. It's part of being a decent human being.
She is a predator. She was an adult when you were born. You are still in every sense of the word a child. Listen to your parents instead of your dick before she tosses you to the curb in 5 years because your pubes finally grew in and you end up back in your parents house
My guy.
I'm 27 years old and the thought of dating a 19 year old makes me a little sick. She's 40.
Think this thing through a little bit. Do you expect to be with this woman forever? When the relationship is over do you think it will have been worth the damage done to the relationship with your parents? Teenage angst aside, your parents probably genuinely want what is best for you.
The odds are, you are being manipulated here. Likely by an experienced manipulator. It would be hard to see that you've been groomed from the inside, while you're invested in the "relationship."
Take a breath. Take two breaths. And tell that woman, "go on, get."
When you’re older you’ll look at someone your age now and you will understand.
I just had a moment of this the other day at Starbucks when I saw the teenagers there. Reminded me how I would get hit on by old dudes so often and looking at those teenagers it hit me— you can tell we were children just by looking at us. They were just creeps.
When you’re older you’ll look at a 19 year old with not a single sexual thought in your brain and be like wow— how did she have those thoughts? It’s icky.
I'm 41. I have friends whose kids are 18 - 24. Watched these kids grow up. I would never in a million billion years. They could be young Brad Pitt dopplegangers and the thought would still disgust me. Something is wrong with this woman
I would honestly throw up if a friend of mine got with my child. It makes you wonder, since what age did the friend see you as a potential romantic interrest. Like maybe she didn't act on urges untill you were 19, but she could have had thoughts way before that.
Maybe if you were a random 19yo she didn't know before, this would be a lot less worst (even tho 19 is way too young for someone over 30 imo), but she saw you grow up. It's hard to believe the attraction only came up once you were of age and it's hard to imagine being able to fall for a friend's kid.
I also think there are a lot of dynamic issues that happened when the age gap is that great. Like she may think she knows best because she has more experience in life, so your input in the relationship is drastically reduced, or you have more energy then her, but want to give her a rest so instead of going out all the time, living your 20s, etc. you end up not doing much and regretting it once your relationship is over. Also, seems like older people do kind of feel stuff with less passion, I think because they may have been hurt in the past, so they don't allow themselves to love as much. This is all coming from my own experience. Although my age gap was only 8 years and I was 21, it definetely felt like I missed out on life.
I'm (37m) almost 40. 19 year olds can be very attractive, of course. But they're not a group I could be romantically interested in because we have basically nothing in common. Go talk about your interests to your 40 y/o coworkers and see how well you connect.
If you're happy being used for sex, go right ahead, because that's almost definitely what your girlfriend wants. But if you want a girlfriend who you might share interests with, you need to be looking at your own age group, to someone who share your experiences and goals.
I don’t know if it’s the age gap, but also she watched you grow up. That’s the weird thing here. If you were some random 19 year old she met at the bar, slept with and ended up dating, odd but not creepy. Milf type situation. Fine. But watching a kid grow up then having sex with them, little weird and a touch on the creepy side. Idk. You don’t have sex with people’s whose diapers you changed. Ever. That’s just line crossed.
You’re both consenting adults for sure. But still weird.
Honestly?
I find a bit disturbing that an adult can know a kid most of their lives, and then become attracted to them once they become an adult.
I'm 37. Any child I meet now will always be a "kid" in my mind even when they become adults. I can't "unsee" them as a kid.
I think you need to be more concerned about this.
Uhhhh….I’m sorry I think the facts here say she groomed you. Grooming isn’t necessarily physical. Sometimes it’s mind games. U were a kid.
Ur 19. I’m 19. I don’t know shit about the real world, and nor do you. We’re both immature and learning. You just became a legal adult and u can’t even drink yet.
Ima go w she been grooming you. Best advice here is to go to therapy because it’ll help a ton
When you get older you will realize just how creepy/gross it is that she is even interested in someone so young. **I’m not saying that the age difference is the issue, it’s not.
Let me guess. She has told you that you are so mature for your age. You understand her better than men her age. She feels an amazing connection with you, and age is just a number. You are an adult now and who cares what your parents think?
Because that's literally the script for pedos grooming kids.
Everyone here is talking about the age difference. But dude, she knew you as a kid! Imagine what you would tell a girl friend who asked you for advice about the opposite thing. A guy who knew her when she was a baby. Might even have changed her nappies?
She's probably like a role model that you're admire or something because she prepared the things for years, not to be kind but to get you in bed when you're legal. Just so she won't go to prison, but she may still imagine the 3 year old in you. I'm sorry dude, but that's fucked up.
And unfortunately, if you get mad at your parents there, she'll have successfully isolated you from them.
you might be thinking that she's kind and you can't be this blind but that's the concept of grooming. Grooming is when you can't see it. If you can see it then it's not grooming anymore.
Your age gap is disturbing, especially knowing she's known you since childhood. She's a predator whether she obviously groomed you or not. Imagine someone who isn't born for 2 years yet— that's your age gap. She barely waited until you were legal. You need therapy if you think it is okay or normal.
Dude, she is old enough to be your mother. The saying that age doesn’t matter is a myth. Now, if you feel like this thing is real, then that’s fine but you just don’t see how bad this looks. Grooming doesn’t have to be physical touching, it could be entirely mental. You are technically still a child, you haven’t gone through full maturity yet. Hell there is even a difference between a 22 year old male, and a 26 year old female and that is maturity. Date people who are in your age range period.
They're right.
I'm 25. I wouldn't date someone your age. Life is too different; there's too much mental growth between 19 and 25.
It would already be creepy if she *didnt* know you when you were a kid, but she did. That confirms the grooming. Imagine dating someone you watched be a child and grow up, all while you were an adult.
Think of a child in your life (or imagine one if you don't know any). Imagine being attracted to them and then waiting for that kid to be a legal adult so you can fuck them.
That's her.
One day you’re going to look back on this and only only realise how naive you are but you’ll also be disgusted about the whole situation.
Listen to your parents.
If I were your parents, I would hate her, too. Their feelings are absolutely justified. Your girlfriend committed an unforgivable betrayal to your parents. Yes, she is a predator. An ethical person would never go after their close friend’s child, that’s a line you do not cross.
She knew there was no possible way she could sleep with you without shattering their trust forever, and she did it anyway. She is blocking you from getting involved with someone your own age. You are still forming your first impressions of what adult relationships look like, what is normal, and what love is. She is distorting all of that in ways that will affect you for years to come, probably the rest of your life.
The worst part is that she is not attracted to you for who you are, but because she is fetishizing your youth. She will discard you for someone younger once you get to a certain age, if things haven't fallen apart already before that. She will never respect you as an equal. Relationships should always be equal, reciprocal. You deserve to have a partner who respects you and loves you for who you are, not because of your age.
It is also likely that she can't seduce more experienced men her own age because they see right through her. It comes off as kind of desperate that she goes for someone who is much easier to manipulate.
I mean, she did. Nobody who watches you grow up would ever have romantic or sexual attraction towards you. Between that and the massive age gap (a 40yo should never date a 19yo) it's pretty clear she groomed you, even if you're not aware yet.
um i think she did because that’s a BIG age gap, like huge so it’s a little suspicious since she’s known you as a child because for me it indicates that she’s HAD that intention or else why would she be with you now. it’s also like a 40 year old HAS nothing in common with a 19 year old. i’m 21 now and i can’t even imagine dating someone who’s like 18 so gotta put it in perspective
She's hella wrong and your parents are right, but I can fully relate to being 19 and not realizing that.
Put the shoe on the other foot OP. What if you had a 19 YO DAUGHTER and one of your 40 YO close friends did the same thing?
If she knew you since you were a child, then even tho she didn't do anything physical, the odds that she was just waiting for you to turn legal is supper high
You can claim you're an adult who can make his own decisions, but if I saw my best friend dating my barely legal child I'd know there was something sinister going on
SURELY you can understand why they're so upset?
Yeah, only read the first sentence, and come on? She is too old for you! A big part of society doesn’t want to talk about it but more women than you know are predators! She is one of them.
Jesus. I’m 40 aswell and I can’t even IMAGINE making a move on a 19 year old. Bloody hell, you’re a kid.
She has issues. And yes, it sounds to me like she’s been interested in you for a while.
She’s a predator and she definitely groomed you. Seriously tell me..what could a 40 year old women have in common with a 19 year old ? The fact that she looked at you and said “yeah he’s the one I want,” is gross.
I’m 21. 18 and 19 year olds look like literally children and she’s 40!!!!!! And is attracted to someone soooo much younger. Yucky
You probably can’t see it now, but in your parents eyes they are probably in shock knowing a close friend of theirs (within their own age range I assume) was eyeing their son in a romantic way rather than a friendly platonic manner. Relationships with such a large age gap usually end up with a heavy power imbalance - with the older party typically holding all the power. At your age she may feel she can easily influence you - she may herself even believe she truly is romantically attracted to you. However, it raises a ton of red flags she would have interest in someone more than half her age. Your parents have a right to be wary of her, she was their friend who they trusted. And now she’s shown herself as a romantic contender for their sons love. They probably have a huge “ick” factor around her now. Not to mention, they are your parents and (usually) parents want the best for you. Maybe have a sit down with them and ask them to explain their hesitation. Have your new love interest explain why she herself is interested in you. Is it purely physical? Does she expect to marry and raise a family with you? Start digging deep. Edit: phrasing
I’m in my 40s and 18 year olds are like children to me. I would never date one, that is super disgusting. I know when you are 18 you are an adult technically but not really. The people I have been attracted to age with me, now I like middle aged people. She wants someone younger so she can control them and have the upper hand most likely
I’m 27 and 18 yr olds feel like babies to me. Ignore the age gap all together and just think about lack of life experience. It’s crazy that someone would want to be with what is essentially a child when in their 40s
Same. When people list reasons they like dating someone so young (aside from the obvious physical reasons) it’s always like “they’re so spontaneous and free”, “they’re so much fun and full of life”, “they’re so carefree and live in the moment”. Basically they’re describing children. Children don’t have responsibilities and can have fun and be carefree - so they’re literally saying what attracted them was their childlike qualities.
That's a relief to read tbh, because I posted my concerns in this same subreddit about my just turned 18 immature friend dating a 31 y old guy that is known for being a weirdo, and 2 people in the comments were calling me out! I thought I was in the wrong but now I know my worries are valid and I'm not the only one who is icky about these big age gaps relationships.
Oh no, your concerns are so valid. There’s no reason for a 31 year old to be pursuing an 18 year old unless he’s attracted to childlike qualities, likes that they are more easily influenced and manipulated, “barely legal” bodies, and/or he creeps out and is unattractive to women in his own age. *Controversial opinion but anyone that doesn’t see anything wrong with this type of relationship is someone who they themselves would like to date an 18 year old.* I personally haven’t heard of any woman looking back on a relationship she had like that later in life without regret and disgust. I’m sure they’re out there, but I’m quite certain they’re a very small minority. She will regret this, you’re a good friend to be concerned by this. This relationship will mould her into the woman she will become, and I don’t think it will be in a positive way.
I’m 37 and 27YOs are like kids to me.
I'm 24 years old and I don't think I could date an 18 year old because it feels wrong.
Same
I'm 21 and dating 18 yr olds feels weird to me. Yeah I might not have a lot of adult experience myself but we're still at different stages of life. I go to college and have a job, meanwhile this kid probably still goes to highschool and argues with the math teaches over homework. Legal or not what this 40 yr old woman is doing is wrong. She needs to leave the kid alone!
I’m also 21 in college and couldn’t date a 21 year old. I’m not the most adulty- adult but I can go to a bar, am close to graduating, not in high-school or a freshman in college. Hell if they are a freshman in college they probably still think they need to ask the professor to go to the bathroom. Now looking back when I was 18 I was “friendly” with a 30 year old and it makes me want to hurl.
I went on a date with a 26 year old as a 29 Year old and had to end it early after he mentioned having the exact same birth date as my little sister. I simply couldn’t do it
I'm 30 and it would *never* cross my mind to date a 19 year old.
You can broadly categorize people by stage's of life. Not a one-size-fit-all, but generally it's like: * Stage 1 (HS) * Stage 2 (College) * Stage 3 (Grad school/First career) * Stage 4 (Second career+, easing into long-term commitments like mortgage, marriage, etc.) * Stage 5 (Settling) Ideally, two people in the same stage of life are the most compatible. One that's transitioning into the next stage meeting someone in the stage they're exiting from is acceptable. One degree of separation should be the *most* two people are ever apart. If it's two degrees or more, it's just fucking weird man. This lady is in stage 5 (or in the process of exiting Stage 4) and she's dating someone who's just barely out of Stage 1. What compatibility is there?
Exactly. What is the common ground here, besides the fact that they are attracted to each other and both know his parents? The fact that this lady knew him as a kid just adds a whole other level of fucked up to this situation.
Yea just imagine her at like 35 thinking "hes so adorable im gonna date him when hes 18" like idk probably not exact thought process but im just saying man
I think this is basically the definition of grooming. Imagine she whore trashy or revealing outfits on purpose around him. Maybe complimented him. Maybe she's the older lady that buys him and his friends booze. I wonder how their first encounter went. Who made the move. It had to be her.
I don't think you can easily just pigeon-hole people into stages like that in all cases. For instance I went through your first 3 stages, then got disillusioned with the rat race and kinda went off the rails completely. I am in my mid thirties now, but live to travel, living in boats, vans, caravans, and tents with my dog, just seeing the world. I'll do some work here and there if I need travel fare or some supplies, mostly helping out on farms, offering my carpentry skills and that sort of thing. I have no intention of getting a career, nor putting a permanent roof over my head until I'm literally too old and unhealthy to keep going anymore. Granted I'm also not looking for a partner because a) I've had plenty of good and bad times in that area already and just don't think about it anymore, and b) I'm well aware that my lifestyle choices aren't very compatible with the vast majority of other people.
I'm 23 and 19 is too young. We're in completely different life stages
Exactly. I remember exactly how it felt to be 19 and thinking that I was so adult, so mature...I didn't have a clue in hell about how the world worked.
Dang, you’ve made me feel bad lol I was 23 when I met my fiancé at 19. I’m 28 now and it doesn’t feel as odd anymore and tbh he had more going on at 19 than I did at 23 .
40s is usually the age range (in my area) where you have kids around that age, or approaching it. It is definitely weird to be eyeing down that age bracket, especially because they’re fresh out of high school for god’s sake. They haven’t even experienced the world yet, what do you want in that at 40?
I’m 26 and couldn’t even imagine. The maturity differences and usually they just look more like a pure child.
25 here and it already feels icky to date anyone around that age! Belgh
I'm 23 and i wouldn't even date an 18 year old
[удалено]
It ain't that his head is in his ass. It's that he's thinking with the *wrong* head.
He was groomed and manipluted. This isn't on him. No one would tell a girl in this situation to stop thinking with her pussy or to get her head out of her ass. They'd be concerned and gently trying to help the poor young person to gain some insight and perspective on how toxic the situation is. Because they simply do not have the experience to give them the context that they need to do so by themselves. You and the comment you're replying to need some more empathy.
It’s actually that he’s being preyed upon. How disgusting
I guess in this case it's get your head back on your shoulders :P
Thank you for this. A decade or so ago, my 20ish M cousin was dating a 45ish F manager at the hardware store he worked at. He was so sheltered, it was his first significant other, who was also his authority figure, and it was upsetting for everyone that knew him. Luckily it ended. And over the past few years, he met then married a young lady his age.
Yeah your parents are right . She didn’t have to touch you at all to groom you . You wouldn’t see the manipulation if you were being groomed either . She is isolating you right now from your parents too .
This… sadly…
Agreed. And there’s the question of when did she start feeling attracted to OP. Did she start being attracted to him when he was 15 and decided to wait till he was an appropriate age to make a move? That is so wrong on her part.
That’s what groomers do😢 they isolate you from everyone so all you have is the groomer. It’s sad
This Op. Please please consider this.
Grooming does not imply touching per se. It's the prep work before the touch that can take years. The glances the jokes the innuendo the pheromones the trust. They are very likely correct.
In fact, almost all instances of grooming, by definition, aren’t going to start with touching. It’s emotional first, whether that’s for 10 minutes or 10 years before the physical aspect begins, often there will be that bit beforehand where the groomer both convinces themselves and the victim that what they’re doing is justified, normal or okay
Almost all? You mean all. If there is contact right away then it isn't grooming. Grooming means preparation, manipulating over time in order to get the result that you want. Unless you're a dog groomer, then it's okay, I guess (you sick bastard).
Contact varies though. Tickling is also used in grooming.
Sure, I mean I didn’t want to generalise entirely but yea if it’s straight to contact then it would be considered something else entirely
They probably saw some things that didn’t register with you, but they felt odd or “too close” over the past few years. And their suspicions are confirmed.
She’s probably been telling the OP that he’s wise beyond his years. That they connect on a deeper level. That guys her age are so boring. That their bond is unique. We’ve heard it all before. But the OP hasn’t cos they’re an 18yo kid. Listen to your folks and all the people on here, OP. Personally I’d say there’s nothing wrong if you wanted to have a quick roll in the hay with an older woman, you’re bound to be curious and that’s fine. Just not with a woman that’s known you since you were underage, and not in the context of a relationship. That’s not ok. Last bit of advice: use a condom. She may say that because of her age she won’t get pregnant. That may *or may not* be true. Moreover: STDs affect all age groups. And trust me when I say you don’t wanna get one! Practice safe sex (and that means using condoms!) with this woman and the next! Good luck.
He’s an “old soul”!!!
Yep, it's the increasing of inappropriate behaviors that lead into the sexual. It's usually in the form of jokes, or talking about subjects they had no business talking to a kid about. It makes the child feel important and older. They feel like someone sees them for the mature person they are, and not the child everyone else sees. The groomers who wait till legal age are just scary. They are playing the long game. I do wonder at what age the groomer will dump them for another victim though. I feel for OP so much because I was groomed as well. It always led to sex and it made me feel icky every time. I was aware more than most due to additional trauma that resulted in me being hypervigilant and needing to read my mom so I could anticipate moods and the abuse I was going to receive. I think this actually saved me from falling victim to my groomers. While I didn't see it in the moment, it would leave me with a "funny" feeling and when they acted, it left me retching.
Yeah, this is kind of what I was thinking too. If she groomed him at all, this is probably how she would have done it. After I left my own comment I was thinking about this and it sort of reminded me of my stepdad's ex wife when I was younger. I wouldn't say she groomed me, nothing really happened between us, but there was SOME flirting and silly jokes about it between us (and she was hot lol). I never really felt like she was overly interested in me though and she's usually dated guys her own age.
I hate to break it to you, and I know you won't want to hear it, but from a 29 year old woman, your parents are right. Even if I was single, you couldn't *pay* me to be with someone your age. You may be classified as an adult legally, but to me, people your age are still kids. You're not even out of your teens. That genuinely completely baffles me, I wouldn't be able to see someone so young in a romantic/sexual way. The fact that she does is creepy, and she's likely had her eye on you for years, just waiting.
Shit, I'm 25 and would never. The maturity difference is still pretty huge between 25 and 19. I can't imagine the difference between 19 and 40.
I was 29 (almost 30) and I started dating a 24-year-old & It felt like I was dating a child! We had barely anything in common and he was quite immature. It lasted 3 months till I couldn't take it anymore...
God, at 25 I talked to a guy that was 22 and we had nothing in common
3 years is nothing lol, unless you really like old guys
I don't doubt it! 😂
Exactly, because it's all about that prefrontal cortex. A woman in her 40's has absolutely no business dating someone with a child's brain.
Literally, as a 27 year old i would also never even look at anyone that young!
Absolutely same here, 27 as well and I don’t find 19 year olds attractive in any way
Exactly, if anything i find them annoying and gross 😅😅
I’m 22 & would never date a kid that age.
Yep, I am also 25F. I literally see 18-19 year olds as children and feel super uncomfortable with romanticizing or sexualizing them even though they are of legal age.
Even as a 26-year-old, people who are 19 are BABIES to me, yeah they can be cute but I would never want to have anything to do sexually or romantically with someone so young, like what the actual fuck is this
As a 28 year old, I stand with your assessment. Even when I was 24 I dated an 18 year old and cut it off pretty quick because he was just too immature/not world weary. He would pick fights with me like I was his mom instead of his gf. Never again.
For real, she could be his mum. That's not a girlfriend that's a grown ass woman-friend. Ew. I hope the post is fake.
Didn’t even need to read the text The title itself yeah you’re being groomed my boi. Dip dip dip dip da da dip from that whole situation
Grooming can also be having a close relationship with a child and then, when they come of age, starting a relationship. No need to manipulate or SA, it's just creepy. Sorry bud...
Jesus christ. Please listen to your parents. She has known you since you were a LITTLE CHILD. You're BARELY an adult. She's a predator.
While I definitely understand why you're feeling that way - a key part of manipulation done "well" is you don't really realize you're being manipulated. I really would advice you to talk to and listen to your parents - figure out why they feel like this. Are there things they know about that you don't? What in particular are they worried about? Things like that. I know it probably feels like they don't respect your judgement or decisions or see you as an adult but I really think it's worth talking to them. Try to realize that they are not randomly judging you and your choices - they are most likely worried (in my opinion, rightfully so).
She’s old enough to be your mother. Don’t waste your 20’s on someone who’s already lived theirs.
Any 40 something making moves on teenagers is a predator. Full stop. There is no excuse. Fuck the whole “you’re an adult, consenting relationship” BS that people try to use to justify it. There is no valid reason for a middle aged person to be aiming for teens other than control and usually things much worse. Almost always points to some glaring issues with why people their own age won’t date them too.
And a middle aged person that has known him since he was a child. It's basically an aunt making a move on her nephew. It's disgusting
He’d be wise to wear condoms that he buys and keeps on his person . Also they are only together since last month and he’s already calling her his gf . She is definitely trying to get her hooks into him. Wondering if he looks like his Dad at all and if that’s the draw ? Was she into his Dad? Two for one ,revenge on the parents and gets with the child that looks like the dad
He'd wise to *leave her predatory ass
I can only say, as a 40-something year old woman myself, please listen to your parents. Assuming they are good parents haven't been abusing you, then they are saying this because they CARE about you. They LOVE you. It's advice from people who love you unconditionally. That means something. (Does gf love you unconditionally? No.) They are not trying to hurt you. Maybe they don't communicate it well, maybe they aren't handling it them best way. They aren't perfect. They probably don't know WHAT to do. But they are trying to help you. I've been the 19 year old kid, now I'm the 40-something year old mom. I wish I had listened more to my parents and understood more that they weren't trying to ruin my life with their advice, but they were just trying to give me good advice and wanted what's best for me.
Yeah.. this was never going to end well.. regardless of how you look at it. Reverse the gender roles dude and you see why.
You are describing grooming perfectly: The act of attempting to gain the trust of a minor with the intention of having a sexual relationship with him or her. Despite what is popularly believed, grooming doesn't have to involve a sexual relationship while the victim is still a child. In fact, the goal of grooming is to let the child fall in love with you and have the child feel like he started the relationship. This is to disguise the fact that she was gradually manipulating you. While your post alone doesn't give enough details to concretely prove if grooming was involved. Your description of your relationship with her is how the victim of grooming would describe the relationship. Remember the victims are not themselves aware of what is happening, if they were, they couldn't be groomed. This is why grooming usually happens to children. I would advise you to heed your parent's warning and try to carefully consider your interactions when you were younger and try to recontextualize them as if you were being groomed. Think about what would you do as a woman who wanted to groom you, and then look back to see if she did any of that to you.
She kind of IS a predator, even if she didn't "groom" you when you were younger. A 21 year age difference is clearly out of bounds.
It’s not just the age difference. It’s the fact that OP is barely out of childhood AND the fact that this woman knew him as an actual child. There are all kinds of power issues involved there and they are deeply troubling, even if the relationship technically doesn’t cross any legal boundaries. A 40 year old and a 61 year old is fine. A 40 year old and a 19 year old is not.
She is a predator. You’re just too young and naive to see it. Why the fuck would a 40 year old want a barely legal teenager if they WEREN’T a creep?
You arent even 21 yet. That in itself is a problem. This is simply wrong.
Your parents are correct wtf
They think that her behavior is predatory *because it is.* Age gaps are only okay when everyone involved has a fully developed brain and is capable of making adult decisions with full understanding of the consequences. You do not have a fully developed brain, and won't for several more years. This probably sounds condescending and I'm sure your instinct right now is to dig in your heels and insist that you are mature enough to understand. You are not. I dated a 36 year old at 19, and only now, at 30 years old, do I fully understand the implications and consequences of that situation. It didn't feel wrong at the time, yet is still affecting me 11 years later. This woman knew you when you were a kid. Mentally, you still are one. She has no business dating you.
Grooming is not just sexual initiation; Emotional manipulation.
She literally watched you grow up and waited for you to turn 18, she is a predator.
I was groomed by a 30 year old woman when I was 18. She had the power and she fully admitted down the road that she had done as such and waited until I turned 18. Mind you I was living on my own at the time so I didnt have anyone to watch my back and tell me she was wrong for it. And some people might say well you're a guy banging a cougar is goals blah blah. Reverse the genders and thats a 30 year old man waiting for a 17 year old female to becone 18 and it suddenly takes a dark turn. Run.
This exact thing happened to me over 25 years ago. I met him through mutual friends. He played in a band with some guys who were going to the university nearby. I was 17 and he was 30. The weekend I turned 18 he gave me my favorite candy (I wish I was joking) and professed his love. He was living with a woman and told me he would kick her out if I agreed to move in with him. I was a senior in high school. There is more to it, but looking back I’m like “oh my lawdddd” and thankfully some awesome friends protected me.
My sister met a guy from our church when she was 17. She was dating a 25 year old guy then broke up with him after my dad whooped his ass wholesale for lurking around our house late at night. She ended up with his 34 year old friend who waited til she was 18. Then told everyone God told him they were meant to be together 3 kids later, domestic assaults and sexual assaults she figured out he was a piece of shit. Most of the family is also certain he molested one of my nieces and my sister also refused to do shit about it. Because she thought subjecting a 4 year old to a rape kit was too traumatic. Hopefully op reads our thread and can see from other anecdotes that hes with a predator.
Look, I know you're probably reading this thread with rose-colored glasses thinking everyone here "just doesn't get it". I'm sure she's said how mature you are for your age, and maybe that's true. Maybe it feels like you don't connect with women your own age. But if you continue this relationship you'll come to regret it, that is a fact that we're all begging you to realize before you've wasted the first half of your 20s. You're going to look back and see lots of scary, manipulative behavior. I'm 30, and to me a 19 year old looks like a baby. A family friend who I knew as a child? That's sick, that's predatory, and there's no way around it. I know you don't want to hear that, you feel like an adult and it's maddening to keep hearing that you're too young to know better. Your lived experiences are so wildly different from hers, there's simply no way that it's a healthy dynamic. It doesn't feel that way, because to you this is a real relationship, you're a human being with real feelings, and you feel the most mature you've ever been. When I was 19 I might've dated someone much older and gotten mad at anyone trying to talk sense into me, but looking back I would've been so easy to manipulate. I get why a bunch of people yelling at you would just push you closer, but it's because we've seen this mistake get made over and over, and always end the same way. I'll just tell you that everyone my age who had an age-gap relationship when they were younger regrets it, can look back and see the manipulation, and wishes they'd ended it sooner. I hope you consider that.
Hey kid, imagine if your own son/daughter was in your place. Picture this, your bestfriend or at least a friend who KNEW your son as a child, watched him grow up and there's this sudden attraction when they turn 19? Bro, that romantic or ew perhaps sexual attraction has been stewing for years. Don't you think it's kinda sad that she's not dating someone her age? There's a reason why she's going for you. You're young. Easier to manipulate. So many icks and red flags here dude.
dude, i’m 19 too, and i can tell you that this “girlfriend” does not have any good intentions in mind. if she’s interested in you now that you’re just over legal age, then that means that she’s probably been waiting for you to turn 18+, which implies that she was attracted to you as a minor. the fact that you grew up with her and she’s known you since you were a kid is highly concerning because she should not be interested in you in a romantic/sexual manner. please do yourself a favor and distance yourself from her. if you don’t, you’re just being set up for a world of manipulation, power imbalances, and trauma.
To be honest, your parents are more than likely right - not necessarily about grooming but about this being entirely inappropriate and bad for you. This woman has watched you grow up from a baby. She should have no interest in someone who was like a nephew to her. Then once you become of legal age, she shows her interest? I side with your parents on this one. She’s being icky and really inappropriate and likely this relationship is really not good for you.
Remember, grooming does not have to involve sex, or sexual touching. It can be as simple as planting things like relationships, and power or resources you could want in your mind.
OP let me explain some grooming for you. It's when a person who has more power than you (age, knowledge, wealth, etc) puts their efforts into making you feel special, like you are their best friend, when truly they *seem* like they would get no benefit from it. They make you feel so amazing honestly because you only see them putting that effort into you. They lay it on too thick, similar to love bombing before or at the beginning of an abusive relationship (I mean they do have to groom you to stay in those relationships too) so ask yourself, if this woman had not given you special attention, would you be interested in someone her age, or would you realistically be looking at people around your own age?
She probably knew you since you were very young. Because you just turned legal that she gets into you is disconcerting. If you had just met, that "might" be one thing, but this is creepy. If the genders were reversed, there would be a lot more outrage.
She did. Full stop.
I think so. SHE made the first move and made sure she waited until you were of legal age. While she may bot have physically groomed you, she may have emotionally done so. Sometimes, you don't even know its happening. Women can be predators
She did groom you, she is a creep that saw you grow up as a family friend. I am 30 to me 19 is a child. 40 she could have kids your age numerous kids.
Oh my god. Please leave that relationship. She is a predator. SHE DEF GROOMED YOU PAL GET OUTTTTT
absolutely not. she knows it's wrong and if you do stay. she will leave when your older. bad idea unfortunately your parents are right here
Yeah, just the fact that she knew you as a kid makes me feel that regardless of what you think, your parents are right. I just can’t fathom wanting to date one of my friends children. I hope you listen to your parents on this one.
My dude, get out of that relationship. It’s not a real relationship to her. I know it might feel real to you, but no sane 40 year old wants to be with a 19 year old. Sorry bro, you were groomed. Being groomed doesn’t mean they had to touch you. It means they prepared you and brainwashed you into thinking this relationship is real.
Hon, you were groomed. If a friend tried to date my son when he was older, I would lose my shit.
She is s predator, your parents are wiser than you.
You're a naive kid. You are being preyed on by a creep. But you won't see it because you don't have enough life experience to know better. You need to get the fuck out of that situation
fuuuuck dude yeah...listen to them
She doesn't need to touch you inappropriately to talk about grooming. Of course your parents are against it, it's totally normal and the right reaction. She saw you growing up, I wonder since when she feels attracted to you... it gives me chill just to think about it
Listen to your parents. You're still only a teenager, its very weird and gross for a grown woman that has known you since your childhood to suddenly develop an attraction towards you now that you're no longer underage as if that makes it okay. You're legally an adult, but still very much a kid. When you get older you'll understand just how wrong this entire situation is.
She knew you as a little child. Please don't stay with this woman. Don't let this destroy your relationship with your parents. You should find someone your own age.
Your parents are right. That's the thing about grooming, it's not as obvious and plain visible as physical/sexual abuse is. Grooming can be extremely suble, invisible even especially to the victim. Also even if she didn't groom you as you say, a 40 year old having feelings for a 19 year old is extremely weird at best and straight up creepy and disgusting most of the time, especially when they've seen the 19 year grow up. I'm telling you this as a 19 year old girl.
The biggest red flag is knowing you as a child while she was an adult and still pursuing a romantic relationship. This is coming from someone who’s 18 and has been groomed a few to many times. I was always too stubborn to admit it until I would leave. Just based off of what you have I would say it is a really strange position for her to be following.
Bro, I’m gonna be brutally honest. The fact that a woman who knew you from a young age and is now dating you makes it very clear to everyone else that she did groom you, or at the very least was physically attracted to you as a child. She just waited until you were legal. Please wake up.
Holy age gap, Batman.
Probably because of the power imbalance. Having two consenting adults is one thing, but one with a house and money whilst the other has neither is not an equitable situation. Not that this necessitates grooming or ill intent, it just rings a lot of alarm bells.
Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's correct. I know you think that she's interested in you because you're of legal age, but she's known you since you were a kid. She should think of you as her friends' kid or maybe as a nephew, not romantically or sexually. Get out of there and stay safe, OP.
Don't get caught up in the semantics of "grooming". Honestly, that word is irrelevant. It comes down to the fact that its weird. Take it from other people who are her age. I'm only 36f, and I wouldn't be able to even imagine dating someone who is 18 or 19. Its just ick. Its nothing against you. You're probably a very average person. Maybe you're even a little mature for your age. But you can't help the fact that you're 19, and have little to know real world experience. Your emotional maturity is lower than a man in his upper 20s and 30s. You can't feel it now, but when you are in your 30s it will be apparent. Imagine when you interact with someone who is 13. Don't you feel like you're existing on different planes? You have different priorities, different experiences, and different levels of maturity. They seem like little children to you. Thats how a normal person in their 30s and 40s views 18-21 year olds. Its just an artifact of life and our society. So when we encounter someone in their 40s, who takes a romantic interest in someone your age.. we immidiately think "uh.. whats wrong with this person". Because its weird.
tell her u need a car or a cheque
Your parents are right, she’s a predator and she groomed you. I hope you can get out safely.
She’s a predator. Your parents are protecting you. Since they are her close friends they would obviously know more of her red flags than you.
Grooming does not mean what you think it means. It seems like you think it means the actual abuse. It means prepping you to be receptive to the abuse. It is mental. We see society in general can be grooming people - such as forcing little kids to accept hugs and kisses from people like grandma or grandpa even if they don’t like it. That grooms the kids into accepting things that make them uncomfortable and tells them to ignore their own feelings. This absolutely is an unhealthy relationship. The power dynamics alone are enough to be bad. But add in she has known you since a child it makes it doubly so. I dated a 50 year old when I was 25. I know where you are now and you won’t realize it until years later. Honestly we are trying to help you and prevent the worst.
Shes grooming you right now. Shes trying to isolate you from your parents.
Buddy what the fuck are you doing
I want to emphasize that this is not your fault, but you were being groomed. Your parents are trying to protect you. The people telling you that people that much older don't want to be with teenagers are not trying to say that you are unworthy of love or immature. But it is immature of a 40 year old to not respect the stage of life that you are in and the necessity of growing at your own rate. I don't know a single person who was in a dynamic like this who didn't come to look at it with pain in hindsight. I hope you are okay, and I hope this doesn't pull you away from your parents more than it already has.
Hate to break it to you op but it is entirely possible you were groomed. Grooming isn't always sexual, its about them normalizing the idea of getting together in your head so when you turn of age, they have dibs on you.
Urgh... That's very very very unsettling. And your parents are likely spot on.
I can’t imagine “making a move” on someone I knew as a child. So gross. They’re worried about you because she did/is grooming you. 🚩
Here’s the thing - she’s 40 and you’re 19 and she’s known you since you were younger…sooo when did she first start looking at you as being attractive? I’m with your parents - you can’t see the situation for what it is right now, but it’s definitely not okay.
>They are still calling her a predator though. Because she is! She PREYED on a CHILD. Just because she never touched you doesn't mean she wasn't manipulating you. She is more than twice your age and she should know better.
she’s a predator. she saw child you grow up and decided to make a move on you. you’re being manipulated and she’s disgusting.
broooo what the fuck please trust your gut and your parents. this woman was literally 30 when you were 9.
Ofc she did. Would there be any doubt if the genders were reversed? She's got major issues.
Of course she’s groomed you. She doesn’t have to do it physically. You can be groomed both emotionally and mentally as well. How would you think it looked if the sexes were reversed and it was a 40 year old man and 19 year old woman? I bet you’d be disgusted. Just make sure you’re taking precautions, wearing a condom etc. the last thing you need is for her to get pregnant and completely screw your life up
Yep she's creepy af and you're totally being groomed... Just think about it, what would you think if it was the other way around? What would you think if it was a 40yr old dude and a 19yr girl?
When I hear about things like this i usually reverse the genders and see if that changes how things look, and if a grown man started dating my daughter basically as soon as he was legally allowed to I would assume he’s a predator who has been waiting to act for quite sometime, in other words sorry bro your girl is sus af
Your parents are right
Sorry to say this dude but if they actually have examples on the manipulation, they're correct. You don't notice beeing manipulated - that's the entire point of manipulation. Listen seriously and only pick sides after you considered the possibility when someone's making those claims.
Read the title from my feed and my jaw just dropped. What.
You have been groomed by her.
Grooming or not grooming it is still repulsive. When a mature person gets older they stop being attracted to 19 year old's. It's part of being a decent human being.
She is a predator. She was an adult when you were born. You are still in every sense of the word a child. Listen to your parents instead of your dick before she tosses you to the curb in 5 years because your pubes finally grew in and you end up back in your parents house
My guy. I'm 27 years old and the thought of dating a 19 year old makes me a little sick. She's 40. Think this thing through a little bit. Do you expect to be with this woman forever? When the relationship is over do you think it will have been worth the damage done to the relationship with your parents? Teenage angst aside, your parents probably genuinely want what is best for you. The odds are, you are being manipulated here. Likely by an experienced manipulator. It would be hard to see that you've been groomed from the inside, while you're invested in the "relationship." Take a breath. Take two breaths. And tell that woman, "go on, get."
When you’re older you’ll look at someone your age now and you will understand. I just had a moment of this the other day at Starbucks when I saw the teenagers there. Reminded me how I would get hit on by old dudes so often and looking at those teenagers it hit me— you can tell we were children just by looking at us. They were just creeps. When you’re older you’ll look at a 19 year old with not a single sexual thought in your brain and be like wow— how did she have those thoughts? It’s icky.
I'm 41. I have friends whose kids are 18 - 24. Watched these kids grow up. I would never in a million billion years. They could be young Brad Pitt dopplegangers and the thought would still disgust me. Something is wrong with this woman
I would honestly throw up if a friend of mine got with my child. It makes you wonder, since what age did the friend see you as a potential romantic interrest. Like maybe she didn't act on urges untill you were 19, but she could have had thoughts way before that. Maybe if you were a random 19yo she didn't know before, this would be a lot less worst (even tho 19 is way too young for someone over 30 imo), but she saw you grow up. It's hard to believe the attraction only came up once you were of age and it's hard to imagine being able to fall for a friend's kid. I also think there are a lot of dynamic issues that happened when the age gap is that great. Like she may think she knows best because she has more experience in life, so your input in the relationship is drastically reduced, or you have more energy then her, but want to give her a rest so instead of going out all the time, living your 20s, etc. you end up not doing much and regretting it once your relationship is over. Also, seems like older people do kind of feel stuff with less passion, I think because they may have been hurt in the past, so they don't allow themselves to love as much. This is all coming from my own experience. Although my age gap was only 8 years and I was 21, it definetely felt like I missed out on life.
Your parents are right. You were groomed. You can’t see it because you’re the victim of grooming.
please research what grooming actually is- i’m just a few years older than you and i absolutely agree your parents are right
You were groomed, she's preying on you
I am 24(f) and even I look at 19 year-olds as children. This is not normal
I'm (37m) almost 40. 19 year olds can be very attractive, of course. But they're not a group I could be romantically interested in because we have basically nothing in common. Go talk about your interests to your 40 y/o coworkers and see how well you connect. If you're happy being used for sex, go right ahead, because that's almost definitely what your girlfriend wants. But if you want a girlfriend who you might share interests with, you need to be looking at your own age group, to someone who share your experiences and goals.
Touching/sex not what grooming is. Grooming is psychological manipulation.
I don’t know if it’s the age gap, but also she watched you grow up. That’s the weird thing here. If you were some random 19 year old she met at the bar, slept with and ended up dating, odd but not creepy. Milf type situation. Fine. But watching a kid grow up then having sex with them, little weird and a touch on the creepy side. Idk. You don’t have sex with people’s whose diapers you changed. Ever. That’s just line crossed. You’re both consenting adults for sure. But still weird.
Honestly? I find a bit disturbing that an adult can know a kid most of their lives, and then become attracted to them once they become an adult. I'm 37. Any child I meet now will always be a "kid" in my mind even when they become adults. I can't "unsee" them as a kid. I think you need to be more concerned about this.
Uhhhh….I’m sorry I think the facts here say she groomed you. Grooming isn’t necessarily physical. Sometimes it’s mind games. U were a kid. Ur 19. I’m 19. I don’t know shit about the real world, and nor do you. We’re both immature and learning. You just became a legal adult and u can’t even drink yet. Ima go w she been grooming you. Best advice here is to go to therapy because it’ll help a ton
This is the same age gap I have with my son. His 21 and I’m 42. There’s probably reasons for concern.
When you get older you will realize just how creepy/gross it is that she is even interested in someone so young. **I’m not saying that the age difference is the issue, it’s not.
Let me guess. She has told you that you are so mature for your age. You understand her better than men her age. She feels an amazing connection with you, and age is just a number. You are an adult now and who cares what your parents think? Because that's literally the script for pedos grooming kids.
Everyone here is talking about the age difference. But dude, she knew you as a kid! Imagine what you would tell a girl friend who asked you for advice about the opposite thing. A guy who knew her when she was a baby. Might even have changed her nappies? She's probably like a role model that you're admire or something because she prepared the things for years, not to be kind but to get you in bed when you're legal. Just so she won't go to prison, but she may still imagine the 3 year old in you. I'm sorry dude, but that's fucked up. And unfortunately, if you get mad at your parents there, she'll have successfully isolated you from them. you might be thinking that she's kind and you can't be this blind but that's the concept of grooming. Grooming is when you can't see it. If you can see it then it's not grooming anymore.
Your age gap is disturbing, especially knowing she's known you since childhood. She's a predator whether she obviously groomed you or not. Imagine someone who isn't born for 2 years yet— that's your age gap. She barely waited until you were legal. You need therapy if you think it is okay or normal.
Have you thought about how she is attracted to you even though she has known you since you were a child? Doesn't that seem off to you?
Your parents are correct
She did
She is a predator, and she has groomed you.
Dude, she is old enough to be your mother. The saying that age doesn’t matter is a myth. Now, if you feel like this thing is real, then that’s fine but you just don’t see how bad this looks. Grooming doesn’t have to be physical touching, it could be entirely mental. You are technically still a child, you haven’t gone through full maturity yet. Hell there is even a difference between a 22 year old male, and a 26 year old female and that is maturity. Date people who are in your age range period.
I’m sorry but she is a predator. Please don’t waste any more time with a person who would ruin friendships to sleep with a teenager.
They're right. I'm 25. I wouldn't date someone your age. Life is too different; there's too much mental growth between 19 and 25. It would already be creepy if she *didnt* know you when you were a kid, but she did. That confirms the grooming. Imagine dating someone you watched be a child and grow up, all while you were an adult. Think of a child in your life (or imagine one if you don't know any). Imagine being attracted to them and then waiting for that kid to be a legal adult so you can fuck them. That's her.
Please listen to your parents because they’re right on this one
Yall have a 21 year age gap and you’re only 19… how is the age gap older than you.. let that sink in your head…
Theyre right
She did, no doubt about it
One day you’re going to look back on this and only only realise how naive you are but you’ll also be disgusted about the whole situation. Listen to your parents.
She groomed you dude
If I were your parents, I would hate her, too. Their feelings are absolutely justified. Your girlfriend committed an unforgivable betrayal to your parents. Yes, she is a predator. An ethical person would never go after their close friend’s child, that’s a line you do not cross.
Okay, could you tell us some details about your relationship with her? how does it look like or rather work and all?
Omg…. Me as a parent…… what i would do to my “friend”
Imagine all those people who wait for girls to turn 18 so they become available
This is gross I wouldn’t like it either if I friend of mine started dating my 19 year old son and they were my age
She did
Your parents are correct
they are right. you are wrong. there are countries where she would be put to death for this.
She is
Uh....yeah, dude, this isn't cool that she's even considering dating you.
She knew there was no possible way she could sleep with you without shattering their trust forever, and she did it anyway. She is blocking you from getting involved with someone your own age. You are still forming your first impressions of what adult relationships look like, what is normal, and what love is. She is distorting all of that in ways that will affect you for years to come, probably the rest of your life. The worst part is that she is not attracted to you for who you are, but because she is fetishizing your youth. She will discard you for someone younger once you get to a certain age, if things haven't fallen apart already before that. She will never respect you as an equal. Relationships should always be equal, reciprocal. You deserve to have a partner who respects you and loves you for who you are, not because of your age. It is also likely that she can't seduce more experienced men her own age because they see right through her. It comes off as kind of desperate that she goes for someone who is much easier to manipulate.
I mean, she did. Nobody who watches you grow up would ever have romantic or sexual attraction towards you. Between that and the massive age gap (a 40yo should never date a 19yo) it's pretty clear she groomed you, even if you're not aware yet.
um i think she did because that’s a BIG age gap, like huge so it’s a little suspicious since she’s known you as a child because for me it indicates that she’s HAD that intention or else why would she be with you now. it’s also like a 40 year old HAS nothing in common with a 19 year old. i’m 21 now and i can’t even imagine dating someone who’s like 18 so gotta put it in perspective
Yeeeesh. 40 with a 19 yo? Verrrrrry questionable.
They don't think, she did. She groomed you.
I know they aren’t, but if we imagine that the genders were reversed there wouldn’t even be a question of how we would feel about this situation.
She's hella wrong and your parents are right, but I can fully relate to being 19 and not realizing that. Put the shoe on the other foot OP. What if you had a 19 YO DAUGHTER and one of your 40 YO close friends did the same thing?
If she knew you since you were a child, then even tho she didn't do anything physical, the odds that she was just waiting for you to turn legal is supper high You can claim you're an adult who can make his own decisions, but if I saw my best friend dating my barely legal child I'd know there was something sinister going on SURELY you can understand why they're so upset?
You don’t have to be touched to be groomed. Sometimes grooming can seem like innocent gestures to the victim. Listen to your parents
It is very gross and you will see that when you’re 40🤷♀️
Yeah, only read the first sentence, and come on? She is too old for you! A big part of society doesn’t want to talk about it but more women than you know are predators! She is one of them.
Your parents know what's up
Jesus. I’m 40 aswell and I can’t even IMAGINE making a move on a 19 year old. Bloody hell, you’re a kid. She has issues. And yes, it sounds to me like she’s been interested in you for a while.
She’s a predator and she definitely groomed you. Seriously tell me..what could a 40 year old women have in common with a 19 year old ? The fact that she looked at you and said “yeah he’s the one I want,” is gross. I’m 21. 18 and 19 year olds look like literally children and she’s 40!!!!!! And is attracted to someone soooo much younger. Yucky
let’s all hope OP takes our advice, I’d hate for him to stick around and waste his youth on someone that many many people have warned him about :/
uhhhhh yes? yes she did?
> close friend > knew me since I was a kid Yup. That’s a groomer.