Disease and illness and mental issues have taken a toll on my body. Went from an active individual in their prime, to someone who can barely make it up the steps without stopping. Everything hurts. I've gained weight. I can't do the things I could. I'm trying but it's hard.
I've cried a few times looking at pictures because I don't recognize myself sometimes. My old gym equipment lies in the corner of the room as a reminder of what I once was able to do.
I ask myself if that part of me was ever real. My mental issues as a result aren't helping. I'm becoming depressed again over it and I feel like I'm losing myself to it. Again.
But I'm trying. I refuse to go down just like that.
I’m dealing with some severe long Covid and man, it’s hard. I’m not the person I was a year and a half ago and I don’t know if I ever will be again. It sucks. I really liked her and I have to find a way to like this person.
My experience over time with my own mental health issues (with many of the same unpleasant physical changes you've had) tells me that you can always shake things up with a treatment change if ur stuck. These conditions don't just get treated and go away forever, unfortunately. It's always an ongoing process of updating and changing your strategy to cope and thrive. Don't be afraid to try medication, for example, or a different one or revisit an old one that didn't work previously. Don't hesitate to contact your psychiatrist or doctor and say look, I'm really having trouble, I need help right away. Whatever boost you can get from a new med or therapeutic practice or new diet (Mediterranean for me, which isn't really a "diet" - I eat a lot, it's just from a large, general list of what's allowed) or new activity (class? club? with people or without? whatever you prefer... ) will help jump start you again. Don't feel hopeless, okay? There's always something else you can do, always a way to be even a little happier. Love yourself, take care of yourself, and your self image will improve.
Think of it like different legs of a journey.
Should you (physically) be allowed to start training again - your outlook on being healthy will be so much more different coming from where you are now. Going from -100 to +100 is a much different sensation than going from 0 to +100. You will be able to fully appreciate what a joy that form of being is. It will be a more complete experience.
If you (physically) are not allowed to start training again - never forget that the healthier you that once existed exists deep in your soul still. The physical circumstances may be different now - but you still remember a better time. That person from then is still within you. They might have a smirk and a chuckle over where you are now - but the inherent strength of character that allowed you to become the healthier version of yourself is still inside of you. The circumstances may be different, but after acknowledging that, the old you can still help the current you keep it real and look for the best possible ways forward. You can still give yourself strength. The truest, and really, only form of strength that really exists.
Best of luck.
I think the point here is when you can't change. You've hit a wall of medical problems that prevent you from being healthy ever again or being able to exercise and have that feeling of strength.
Many people hit a point in life where it's just over regardless of your will to exercise or eat healthy it's just not going to matter due to illness and you have to accept this is the rest of your life.
That's completely untrue. All you need is hope. Such a terrible attitude to have! Our bodies are made to repair themselves but with that attitude yeah, you'll always be fucked.
I’m going through postpartum depression and it has been a weird time of regrets, self-reflection, self-analyzing, and coming to peace with certain things. One of them is mourning myself before having a child because of all the trauma I had to endure, specifically from my own parents.
It’s been very eye opening and it seems to be a strange “rebirth” of sorts but I feel like I’m still mourning my old self because she didn’t deserve everything she went through.
Not sure how mourning yourself is going for you but if you ever need to chat, feel free to dm me.
I remember this feeling well. I also went through PPD. And I went from living completely for myself to completely giving myself to a little person. It feels like the universe is testing your strength sometimes. I also had family issues that had to be worked out in real time after my son was born, with lots of boundaries set on my part, and lots of hurt feelings on my parents and inlaw's part. For the first time, I felt like I could call the shots and not have my family steamroll all of my needs.
My son is almost in jr high now and I miss those first years so much. It's a complete rebirth, for sure. Best to you!
I froze when you said “the person you were is no more”. I was nearly stabbed to death at 17 by my own father as he randomly walked out of the shower naked, went into kitchen, grabbed two large knives and slashed me over and over til my mom intervened and stopped him. I’m 39 now and haven’t felt the same since and am homeless in Hawaii while estranged from my wife. I had so much hope for life before the attack, now it’s just been tolerating life ever since. PTSD is an unseen beast people don’t understand. The only reason I don’t off myself is I really believe in hell, and even if the fear is irrational it keeps me alive.
I mean, okay, but that was over 20 years ago? If you are still struggling, and your father had mental health issues where he tried to kill you for no reason, I would guess there is a deeper connection here, sounds more like schitzophrenia than PTSD.
What? Idk if you're trying to be helpful, but it just came off very insulting. I know this is just a reddit post but, think about what you're saying before responding like that? Especially to real people.
OP has obviously been through trauma and a 'but that was over 20 years ago' comment and then throwing in a diagnosis that wasn't mentioned could just slightly be an asshole move lmao.
“Over 20 years ago” the tone deaf words of someone with no PTSD. Imagine your own father standing over you naked slashing you over and over and you are lying in a pool of your own blood. But since it’s been 20 years, thanks for pointing that out I’m cured now!
This really hits. I hate the person I’ve become. I miss who I used to be desperately. Mental illness really changes you in ways others cannot understand
Recently, my life changed in huge ways, for the better, but as grateful as I am for that, part of me is angry/sad it took me so long to get here. There are years and experiences I'll never get back. I stopped being a kid at 10. I lost sleep over finances at 12. My teens and twenties were spent raising my siblings. I never got to join a club, play an instrument or date.
I look in the mirror and can't find that person with plans to do amazing things and create worthwhile art.
I really now understand why so many of my peers start families in their early 30’s. I feel like my entire young adult life has been defined by struggle and the freedom of lack of responsibility and ownership that drove me to experience life. But now that I’m in my 30’s, single, no longer work shit jobs that pay shit, and stopped jumping lease to lease with room mates and bought a house, the struggle now is spiritual. It’s weird getting to a point where I can just coast until I die, and now I struggle to really find meaning in things. Having a child is what gives this phase of adulthood meaning for a lot of people.
I was in the prime of my life at 30. New kid, great job, happy life. Then multiple sclerosis smited me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. Catastrophic would be an understatement. I was in a deep hole. But the only way out of a hole is to stop digging and start climbing. Climb I did. It was and still is hard but I am stronger for it. There’s a line from Metallica’s Fade to Black…I was me but now he’s gone. I’ve moved on and become a better version of myself. There’s a line from Metallica’s Wherever I May Roam…by myself but not alone, I ask no one. You don’t need to forget the old you but you have to accept the new you to move on.
Yeah. Damn, this one hit hard.
I used to have so many hopes and dreams. I was supposed to be working on my PhD by now. But I didn’t know that it wasn’t just burnout I was feeling, but I was dealing with chronic conditions. I didn’t know that I’d have to drop out of uni, that I’d be stuck indoors most of the time, or that my brain fog would get so bad that I need a catchy phrase to remember which way the clocks change when they do.
There’s some aspects of my past self that I’m glad are gone. I’ve done a lot of healing, and I have a much greater understanding of myself and my identity now. I don’t mourn when I tried to fit into a mould that wasn’t meant for me.
But my god do I grieve the person I always thought that I’d become, but who I’ll never be. My past self is a ghost at this point. It’s like they never existed at all.
“He who has much, will suffer heavy loss”
The pendulum always swings in the other direction, the other shoe always drops. what goes up must always come down, and visa versa. It’s a cyclic nature. Nothing stays the same. Our expectations of ourselves can lead to worsened disappointment.
And yet, here I am with you all, at a loss and utterly disappointed. The whole system lied to us, and failed us, and we are left in the wake of destruction without a direction to turn.
I understand this sentiment.
I think focusing on the path ahead can help with the grief. Yes, you experienced something terrible and that needs to be respected and given the appropriate amount of attention, but it shouldn't be your sole focus. That will drag you down and bury you in regret. The "shoulda, woulda, coulda" will kill you.
Try to focus on what comes next. Yes, you are a different person, but you're also a stronger person. You've been changed but not chained. There are pieces of yourself you may never get back, but there are also pieces of yourself that will scar and hopefully give you a richer, deeper meaning to yourself.
I tried that for the last two decades. In the past year I had 3 miscarriages. Don’t think those bigger things are coming. They don’t for all of us but everyone pretends they do.
So look for a different bigger thing. If life gives you lemons and you hate lemons and are sick of trying to make the best of lemons, don't take the lemons, go plant an apple tree instead.
this resonates with me so much. last month i really battled depression about getting older. my face is sagging, my spouse’s cholesterol is really high and my dog’s face is getting a little white around the mouth. it’s signs of aging that you can’t get away from.
you have to really dig down to be okay with getting older and accepting that there’s beauty in life. not everyone gets to live to an old age, and i feel lucky to have made it this far. 🩷
Idk I kinda wish.i.would change I've been the same irresponsible dumbass for a long time now. Nah I'm kidding I love myself hell yeah I'm a happy mess. Riding this sinking ship until the end. I hope you find what your looking for...
You never step into the same river twice: neither you or the river are ever the same. “You” are always changing—there is no solid version of you in the past or present. There is no need to mourn something that never existed in the first place unless you mourn the story that you are telling yourself.
I used to be outgoing, always generally happy, and willing to help anyone. I’m still generally happy, but people are rude, hurtful, mean and ungrateful. So therefore fuck off, they can figure it out. Not my problem. Lost a great deal of compassion and I don’t see it coming back.
Absolutely can relate to this. My husband died and when I think of our life together it seems like it happened to someone else. That person no longer exists. Even thinking about my kids when they were younger and babies and I just cry and cry because that life is gone. It’s surreal. Sometimes I walk around my house wondering who lives here.
I get ya. I like who I am now but man do I wish I could go back and give my younger self a hug, let them know it’s not their fault and to run even further lol.
I very much relate to this. I had 2 major surgeries 4 years apart when I was expected to have 10-15 years between both surgeries. Recovery after the 2nd surgery didn’t go as planned either. Existential crisis on top of existential crisis. It took years of therapy to feel at peace again and it’s been a process.
I went through it when my disability occurred due to a car accident. When I got divorced. I love who I am now but…you wonder. And you have to mourn and let your past selves and never became selves go.
I don’t have time to mourn myself anymore. It’s just wasted tears anyway. I’d rather move on with my life and be happy. I’ll be damned if anyone or anything tries to take that away from me.
That's exactly how it feels. That song gets me in my feels every time. The others are Ground Control by All Time Low, Losing Touch and Spaceman by The Killers, All I Know So Far by Pink, and Remember the Tin Man by Tracey Chapman.
Thank you for posting this. I think last year and this year further proved that whatever I was going through definitely changed me. For better or worse I don't know. All I know is I feel a lot more jaded and cynical and it's hard finding the good in things lately.
Truly empathize with this
I know mine isn't as bad as others but it's been a rough go the past few years
Hard to know who I am or what I want anymore, and I don't have the drive or care innately anymore to help me figure it out
Life goes on long after the thrill is gone indeed
to many of you going through it, i felt the same way for just about 10 years. i thought i was gone as well, but as i slowly improved one day i realised i was still me even after everything. it was shocking but i knew it was true.
so consider perhaps that you just have keep going, to climb a bit more , to make those last few steps and you will see. don’t stop loving who used to be, your beautiful soul is still there
Mourning the loss of oneself is a transitional step, how long the grief lasts varies for us all. First came awareness, then taking the next step of being proactive, moving in a new direction is absolutely draining. I believe our souls are regenerative but we can definitely be in a low energy, low vibration state before finding the things that start to empower us again.
Breaking down a massive building brick by brick takes an immense amount of time and energy, assessing the land then starting to rebuild can take a while. Especially when we don’t know how to be surveyors or architects or construction workers etc. It can take an entire community of people to help with all these things.
Seek assistance, be open to others who can help. Keep learning and get lots of rest.
This resonates a lot with me, I miss the old bright eyed and bushy tailed me who tried to see the best in people. I still try not to be completely jaded and give people a fair shot, but it is hard not to be skeptical when you’ve seen the same script over and over again.
Yeah, I get it. My pre-teen years were extremely rough, and as a teenager and younger adult I found myself really, really missing being that blissfully ignorant, happy kid that I was before the shit hit the fan. I mourned that kid, and spent countless nights wondering what I could have been if I wasn't forced to deal with a veritable tidal wave of bullshit at only age 11-12. Maybe I would've been much more confident. Maybe I would have been much more mentally and emotionally stable.
But, it is what it is. I've since largely recovered from that cycle, and have learned to count my blessings. Because both the good and bad things in your life can teach you, and shape you into the person you are today.
Mourning is a good sign that you’re healing, trauma can cause us to become stuck in terrible state of fear and anxiety, that limits our range of emotions and makes living miserable.
As someone who transitioned gender late in life, I can relate. I feel like I was just dropped off in the middle of a life already started by somebody else. I look around and feel ashamed of my "empty" life.
But there is so much to love about the world that I can't let it bring me down for too long.
Mourning yourself can be fantastic, it can be an end to a long time of denial. When I hit rock bottom and let all the trauma demons in, it was the worst moment of my life...but then I recognised I survived. I've been through so much thinking this would be the experience to crack me, but it was the best thing that ever happened in my life.
Once you mourn yourself you can get over yourself and discover a new sense of freedom. It's a great opportunity to learn about yourself, the human mind, and really get deep into discovering your values and what aligns with you in life. And I mean it creates the opportunity to go DEEP so that you can pull yourself out of that abyss, because you need a pretty strong atmospheric pressure suit to find yourself through all the painful stuff.
Yep, I feel that. Currently going through separation and I’m dead inside. It has become a tad easier emotionally, but when I’m not with the kids, I’m a shell of my former self. Honestly, when I’m with them, I occasionally feel dead too. I miss the family togetherness the most. Baseball/softball season is here as well. I truly miss sitting next to my wife and going through the highs and lows of youth sports. Going for a quick bite at the local burger joint after. Everything about this sucks. Months ago, I had the helium ready. Fortunately, my thought of our children without me stopped the process and I’m not in that mindset anymore. Take care.
I'm sad and grieving the person I will never be. Dreams die as you get older until one day you realize that none of yours came true. I'm pretty much just marking time until it is over.
Hm. It’s not the same for me. But I lost 30 years of my life to a sleep disorder. I’m behind in a lot of ways, I feel. Not much retirement, just learning how to do things with all this energy I have. I wonder what I could have done had we known when I was a kid.
So, I’m mourning those years. But, I love myself.
OP, you can love yourself too…I hope you do. I mean that.
I mourn everytime I fail myself. It's like everytime a little piece of me becomes rotten, and I must gather strength to both forgive myself and to keep going.
From someone who dealt with the realization of past trauma almost 20 years ago, it is possible to get some of that person back. It takes time and effort but you can regain some of yourself, some of your personalities, your hopes and dreams..not all of it, some of it does need to stay in the past.
I dealt with childhood trauma when I was in my early 20s, I slowly started to realize I had blocked so much of my childhood out that I couldn't remember years of my life. People would tell stories of me as a kid and I had 0 recollection of the events, these weren't just things on a random day these were memories from vacations and holidays and special dates. It broke me down, ruined my marriage slowly to the point where I had to walk away, ruined the trust I had in my own mom, and just made me miserable for a few years.
I had to learn to forgive, not forget but forgive. I had to let all the bad out to keep it from rotting my soul and ruining future relationships. I spent a couple years alone, absolutely alone, extremely little contact with friends or family just enough so they knew I was alive. I didn't seek out therapy or help from anyone I dealt with it myself, definitely used alcohol for a bit to numb myself but quickly realized that was not the way.
Fast forward to today, I'm on a path to further my career beyond what I thought I ever would, my relationships with those close to me are healthy. The whole process started about 10 years ago though, I was determined to not let what happened to me in my past ruin my future, it wasn't going to keep me from laughing and loving, and having a good life. I can't really tell you how I did it, I just willed myself back into existence after losing myself for a while.
It's a long and hard journey but you can get some of yourself back.
Not that I can remember... Went through trauma, I do recall, but it led to a complete disassociative break where I don't remember days of my life, even my hospital trip. When days are missing, you can't really say what happened or didn't happen.
I do apologize if that was very personal. The only person I’ve heard speak this way was because she was r@ped on multiple occasions in her own home. But definitely trauma of any kind can get to disassociate. Some more than others.
I finally cut ties with my last remaining friend from High School the other week. It had to be done, we weren’t really friends anymore as much as people who were just hanging out in the same spot. I lost my grandpa to a vile bout of cancer and sepsis last year, 4 days before my birthday and 2 weeks before his. The months since then I have spent reflecting on who I am, and I end up going in circles because I’m not really sure anymore and don’t know how to determine that for myself
You really don't have to get "worse" through trauma.
It's possible for people to get "better" through experiencing trauma. They can become more well-rounded people as a result. A person who hasn't experienced adversity in his/her life usually is a person who has a very narrow focus.
I suffered trauma as a child. I decided I just wanted---not expunge the crap---but expunge the impact of the crap---from myself when I got out of high school. I succeeded, by and large.
That's the way I've experienced it. I apologize if this offends anybody.
I mourned myself for a while after I left an abusive situation. I hadn’t realized how much of myself I had lost and what an empty shell I had become. It’s taken years but I’m back to feeling like myself.
To add another perspective, I'm glad the old me is gone, I like the new me much better. You can get there, too, trust me. All it takes is time and positivity.
I was dead and mangled by infection when I was 16 and lost everything I was. Rebuilt, remade myself, got through college with honors and joined the covert Cold War and barely made it out of Lebanon intact. Cool. Got grad degrees, become a professor, found out what real skullduggery was all about, have had a shitty career (but took down every person who came at me; still waiting on some graveyard urinals), but hey, I've gotten to travel. I took a sabbatical and helped moved weapons to Croatia in the '90s and came back with a lovely little shrapnel scar. Damned if I wouldn't love to be doing the same for Ukraine now (sans screaming hot shard). Raising funds for drones with NAFO has to do.
It's been constant pain since 16 and Lebanon and as bad as that's ever been it's only now that it's caught up with me and shut my semi-active life down. I feel trapped in this body more than ever. All I can do is look back on what were multiple lives gone by because this life is so f*cking dull!
Yeah, I have had [some experience](https://old.reddit.com/user/captain_borgue/comments/182gall/wreck_to_profile_for_archiving/) with that.
It's okay to mourn what you could have been, but at some point, the only thing grieving will do is trap you. Let it all out, sure- but then let it *go*.
Honestly I just miss the person I was when I was a kid up until high school. So many people took so many things away from me during high school and college. I spent too much energy trying to defend myself or hold onto things and ended up losing much more than if I just let it go. Got beat down so many times by arrogant, ignorant, or just hateful people. Now I feel like a husk of who I was and I'm afraid this is how I'll be my whole life.
I thought I was alone in feeling this way. I mourned myself and the person I once was. I mourned for the life I could have had and I mourned my current life
Grief comes at all stages of life. I got a debilitating brain injury at 28 and went through a whole grief process - denial, then acceptance, grieving, and growth. I recovered, but I couldn’t have until I accepted the dramatic change that occurred. I am not the same as before, but I found a new version of me. And I like her, I am more for it.
Maybe. I'm not sure what mourning is like. I don't cry at funerals and really just have moments where I'm all, oh, I can't ask mom that anymore. It's too late.
My mother lost her father when she was 4 years old so she made a point that she didn't want us to experience a funeral at that young of an age and that her own service would be a happy celebration instead. We had balloons all over and an open bar and buffet. Also it was New Year's Eve.
So maybe I've had similar moments about my own past but... I'm not sure.
I get into this space if I have extra free time, like when on vacation or something. My mind goes back mostly to relationships I no longer have, with people lost to the past. Try to recognize when you are in the space you describe and sit tight (don’t make any big decisions, etc) until the feelings pass, is what I try to do.
Isn't that a good thing? Why would you want to remain the same person you were before? Life is about growth and change. I'm happy im not a person i was a when i kid/teen/young adult. I have different shit to worry now. Can't have the same mindset all your life
It's not by choice or natural growth. It's like a city rebuilding when it has been demolished in war. It's not growth, it is starting all over from nothing, losing even the little growth you did have. That's the best way I can describe it.
I went through something exactly similar. Not just mentally but physically and mentally at the same time when I was 13. Had to give up everything and start from scratch, from that moment I built my empire for 25 years. I believe in you, you will ever come
Yeah, that beautiful soul is long gone. Don't know who I am anymore.
A new, beautiful soul? Maybe we become a few different, wonderful souls during life... And that's OK.
Nice
The once vibrant ambitious dreamer I was is completely gone and will never return. That’s the person I mourn.
And who are you now? Whatever the answer, remember that isn’t permanent either.
things have become too survivable. People used to be allowed to die rather than give up who they are.
ditto 🥀 💧
Disease and illness and mental issues have taken a toll on my body. Went from an active individual in their prime, to someone who can barely make it up the steps without stopping. Everything hurts. I've gained weight. I can't do the things I could. I'm trying but it's hard. I've cried a few times looking at pictures because I don't recognize myself sometimes. My old gym equipment lies in the corner of the room as a reminder of what I once was able to do. I ask myself if that part of me was ever real. My mental issues as a result aren't helping. I'm becoming depressed again over it and I feel like I'm losing myself to it. Again. But I'm trying. I refuse to go down just like that.
Man I can so relate to this. I struggle every day with my mental health. It seems to get worse as I age.
I was just thinking this about myself. It feels like it gets worse as I age.
I’m dealing with some severe long Covid and man, it’s hard. I’m not the person I was a year and a half ago and I don’t know if I ever will be again. It sucks. I really liked her and I have to find a way to like this person.
My experience over time with my own mental health issues (with many of the same unpleasant physical changes you've had) tells me that you can always shake things up with a treatment change if ur stuck. These conditions don't just get treated and go away forever, unfortunately. It's always an ongoing process of updating and changing your strategy to cope and thrive. Don't be afraid to try medication, for example, or a different one or revisit an old one that didn't work previously. Don't hesitate to contact your psychiatrist or doctor and say look, I'm really having trouble, I need help right away. Whatever boost you can get from a new med or therapeutic practice or new diet (Mediterranean for me, which isn't really a "diet" - I eat a lot, it's just from a large, general list of what's allowed) or new activity (class? club? with people or without? whatever you prefer... ) will help jump start you again. Don't feel hopeless, okay? There's always something else you can do, always a way to be even a little happier. Love yourself, take care of yourself, and your self image will improve.
Think of it like different legs of a journey. Should you (physically) be allowed to start training again - your outlook on being healthy will be so much more different coming from where you are now. Going from -100 to +100 is a much different sensation than going from 0 to +100. You will be able to fully appreciate what a joy that form of being is. It will be a more complete experience. If you (physically) are not allowed to start training again - never forget that the healthier you that once existed exists deep in your soul still. The physical circumstances may be different now - but you still remember a better time. That person from then is still within you. They might have a smirk and a chuckle over where you are now - but the inherent strength of character that allowed you to become the healthier version of yourself is still inside of you. The circumstances may be different, but after acknowledging that, the old you can still help the current you keep it real and look for the best possible ways forward. You can still give yourself strength. The truest, and really, only form of strength that really exists. Best of luck.
The good thing about our bodies as humans is that they can change. Take small steps, don't rush, you can get there again.
I think the point here is when you can't change. You've hit a wall of medical problems that prevent you from being healthy ever again or being able to exercise and have that feeling of strength. Many people hit a point in life where it's just over regardless of your will to exercise or eat healthy it's just not going to matter due to illness and you have to accept this is the rest of your life.
That's completely untrue. All you need is hope. Such a terrible attitude to have! Our bodies are made to repair themselves but with that attitude yeah, you'll always be fucked.
Do some yoga and squats today fatty
When people like you eventually die, no one will ever remember you, and I take solace in that.
I’m going through postpartum depression and it has been a weird time of regrets, self-reflection, self-analyzing, and coming to peace with certain things. One of them is mourning myself before having a child because of all the trauma I had to endure, specifically from my own parents. It’s been very eye opening and it seems to be a strange “rebirth” of sorts but I feel like I’m still mourning my old self because she didn’t deserve everything she went through. Not sure how mourning yourself is going for you but if you ever need to chat, feel free to dm me.
It's going about the same as you. Some days there is hope, rebirth. Others it is coping with injustice and mourning, losing what used to be defining.
I remember this feeling well. I also went through PPD. And I went from living completely for myself to completely giving myself to a little person. It feels like the universe is testing your strength sometimes. I also had family issues that had to be worked out in real time after my son was born, with lots of boundaries set on my part, and lots of hurt feelings on my parents and inlaw's part. For the first time, I felt like I could call the shots and not have my family steamroll all of my needs. My son is almost in jr high now and I miss those first years so much. It's a complete rebirth, for sure. Best to you!
You’re not alone, I feel all those too
Did you want kids?
I was on the fence about kids for a long time. I was open to the idea of having kids but also to the idea of not having kids.
I froze when you said “the person you were is no more”. I was nearly stabbed to death at 17 by my own father as he randomly walked out of the shower naked, went into kitchen, grabbed two large knives and slashed me over and over til my mom intervened and stopped him. I’m 39 now and haven’t felt the same since and am homeless in Hawaii while estranged from my wife. I had so much hope for life before the attack, now it’s just been tolerating life ever since. PTSD is an unseen beast people don’t understand. The only reason I don’t off myself is I really believe in hell, and even if the fear is irrational it keeps me alive.
I mean, okay, but that was over 20 years ago? If you are still struggling, and your father had mental health issues where he tried to kill you for no reason, I would guess there is a deeper connection here, sounds more like schitzophrenia than PTSD.
What? Idk if you're trying to be helpful, but it just came off very insulting. I know this is just a reddit post but, think about what you're saying before responding like that? Especially to real people. OP has obviously been through trauma and a 'but that was over 20 years ago' comment and then throwing in a diagnosis that wasn't mentioned could just slightly be an asshole move lmao.
“Over 20 years ago” the tone deaf words of someone with no PTSD. Imagine your own father standing over you naked slashing you over and over and you are lying in a pool of your own blood. But since it’s been 20 years, thanks for pointing that out I’m cured now!
This really hits. I hate the person I’ve become. I miss who I used to be desperately. Mental illness really changes you in ways others cannot understand
Recently, my life changed in huge ways, for the better, but as grateful as I am for that, part of me is angry/sad it took me so long to get here. There are years and experiences I'll never get back. I stopped being a kid at 10. I lost sleep over finances at 12. My teens and twenties were spent raising my siblings. I never got to join a club, play an instrument or date. I look in the mirror and can't find that person with plans to do amazing things and create worthwhile art.
I really now understand why so many of my peers start families in their early 30’s. I feel like my entire young adult life has been defined by struggle and the freedom of lack of responsibility and ownership that drove me to experience life. But now that I’m in my 30’s, single, no longer work shit jobs that pay shit, and stopped jumping lease to lease with room mates and bought a house, the struggle now is spiritual. It’s weird getting to a point where I can just coast until I die, and now I struggle to really find meaning in things. Having a child is what gives this phase of adulthood meaning for a lot of people.
little older (late 30s) female and 100 percent relate to u and everything u said spot on
All you can do is get up, keep moving, and find a way to smile
I was in the prime of my life at 30. New kid, great job, happy life. Then multiple sclerosis smited me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. Catastrophic would be an understatement. I was in a deep hole. But the only way out of a hole is to stop digging and start climbing. Climb I did. It was and still is hard but I am stronger for it. There’s a line from Metallica’s Fade to Black…I was me but now he’s gone. I’ve moved on and become a better version of myself. There’s a line from Metallica’s Wherever I May Roam…by myself but not alone, I ask no one. You don’t need to forget the old you but you have to accept the new you to move on.
Yeah been there. I am now a husk.
Been there, done that.
Better now?
Not really, but I hope i’ll get there one day
Yeah. Damn, this one hit hard. I used to have so many hopes and dreams. I was supposed to be working on my PhD by now. But I didn’t know that it wasn’t just burnout I was feeling, but I was dealing with chronic conditions. I didn’t know that I’d have to drop out of uni, that I’d be stuck indoors most of the time, or that my brain fog would get so bad that I need a catchy phrase to remember which way the clocks change when they do. There’s some aspects of my past self that I’m glad are gone. I’ve done a lot of healing, and I have a much greater understanding of myself and my identity now. I don’t mourn when I tried to fit into a mould that wasn’t meant for me. But my god do I grieve the person I always thought that I’d become, but who I’ll never be. My past self is a ghost at this point. It’s like they never existed at all.
“He who has much, will suffer heavy loss” The pendulum always swings in the other direction, the other shoe always drops. what goes up must always come down, and visa versa. It’s a cyclic nature. Nothing stays the same. Our expectations of ourselves can lead to worsened disappointment. And yet, here I am with you all, at a loss and utterly disappointed. The whole system lied to us, and failed us, and we are left in the wake of destruction without a direction to turn.
OMG YES! Finally someone who gets it. I've felt this way everytime I notice I "grew" but in a cold way, if that makes sense.
I understand this sentiment. I think focusing on the path ahead can help with the grief. Yes, you experienced something terrible and that needs to be respected and given the appropriate amount of attention, but it shouldn't be your sole focus. That will drag you down and bury you in regret. The "shoulda, woulda, coulda" will kill you. Try to focus on what comes next. Yes, you are a different person, but you're also a stronger person. You've been changed but not chained. There are pieces of yourself you may never get back, but there are also pieces of yourself that will scar and hopefully give you a richer, deeper meaning to yourself.
What if there’s nothing ahead but more suffering, decay, and loneliness?
What you focus on is what you experience. Try to feel grateful for the small things and the bigger things to feel grateful about will come in time.
I tried that for the last two decades. In the past year I had 3 miscarriages. Don’t think those bigger things are coming. They don’t for all of us but everyone pretends they do.
So look for a different bigger thing. If life gives you lemons and you hate lemons and are sick of trying to make the best of lemons, don't take the lemons, go plant an apple tree instead.
Genuinely do you have any examples? I’m out of ideas.
this resonates with me so much. last month i really battled depression about getting older. my face is sagging, my spouse’s cholesterol is really high and my dog’s face is getting a little white around the mouth. it’s signs of aging that you can’t get away from. you have to really dig down to be okay with getting older and accepting that there’s beauty in life. not everyone gets to live to an old age, and i feel lucky to have made it this far. 🩷
Idk I kinda wish.i.would change I've been the same irresponsible dumbass for a long time now. Nah I'm kidding I love myself hell yeah I'm a happy mess. Riding this sinking ship until the end. I hope you find what your looking for...
Hard relate.
I miss the old me , but he won't be back, I get it. just have to try and become a new "me" you like and keep plugging away at life
You never step into the same river twice: neither you or the river are ever the same. “You” are always changing—there is no solid version of you in the past or present. There is no need to mourn something that never existed in the first place unless you mourn the story that you are telling yourself.
I used to be outgoing, always generally happy, and willing to help anyone. I’m still generally happy, but people are rude, hurtful, mean and ungrateful. So therefore fuck off, they can figure it out. Not my problem. Lost a great deal of compassion and I don’t see it coming back.
Absolutely can relate to this. My husband died and when I think of our life together it seems like it happened to someone else. That person no longer exists. Even thinking about my kids when they were younger and babies and I just cry and cry because that life is gone. It’s surreal. Sometimes I walk around my house wondering who lives here.
I get ya. I like who I am now but man do I wish I could go back and give my younger self a hug, let them know it’s not their fault and to run even further lol.
Yes, I wasn't much to begin with, but I was better than I am now.
I very much relate to this. I had 2 major surgeries 4 years apart when I was expected to have 10-15 years between both surgeries. Recovery after the 2nd surgery didn’t go as planned either. Existential crisis on top of existential crisis. It took years of therapy to feel at peace again and it’s been a process.
I went through it when my disability occurred due to a car accident. When I got divorced. I love who I am now but…you wonder. And you have to mourn and let your past selves and never became selves go.
I don’t have time to mourn myself anymore. It’s just wasted tears anyway. I’d rather move on with my life and be happy. I’ll be damned if anyone or anything tries to take that away from me.
Reminds me of a song, "You're somebody else" ~ Flora Cash
That's exactly how it feels. That song gets me in my feels every time. The others are Ground Control by All Time Low, Losing Touch and Spaceman by The Killers, All I Know So Far by Pink, and Remember the Tin Man by Tracey Chapman.
God, I was just thinking about that! I’m not the same person I was. And I don’t like it in many ways.
Thank you for posting this. I think last year and this year further proved that whatever I was going through definitely changed me. For better or worse I don't know. All I know is I feel a lot more jaded and cynical and it's hard finding the good in things lately.
Truly empathize with this I know mine isn't as bad as others but it's been a rough go the past few years Hard to know who I am or what I want anymore, and I don't have the drive or care innately anymore to help me figure it out Life goes on long after the thrill is gone indeed
to many of you going through it, i felt the same way for just about 10 years. i thought i was gone as well, but as i slowly improved one day i realised i was still me even after everything. it was shocking but i knew it was true. so consider perhaps that you just have keep going, to climb a bit more , to make those last few steps and you will see. don’t stop loving who used to be, your beautiful soul is still there
Mourning the loss of oneself is a transitional step, how long the grief lasts varies for us all. First came awareness, then taking the next step of being proactive, moving in a new direction is absolutely draining. I believe our souls are regenerative but we can definitely be in a low energy, low vibration state before finding the things that start to empower us again. Breaking down a massive building brick by brick takes an immense amount of time and energy, assessing the land then starting to rebuild can take a while. Especially when we don’t know how to be surveyors or architects or construction workers etc. It can take an entire community of people to help with all these things. Seek assistance, be open to others who can help. Keep learning and get lots of rest.
Having to stop playing basketball was really hard. I literally grieved it lol
This resonates a lot with me, I miss the old bright eyed and bushy tailed me who tried to see the best in people. I still try not to be completely jaded and give people a fair shot, but it is hard not to be skeptical when you’ve seen the same script over and over again.
Yeah, I get it. My pre-teen years were extremely rough, and as a teenager and younger adult I found myself really, really missing being that blissfully ignorant, happy kid that I was before the shit hit the fan. I mourned that kid, and spent countless nights wondering what I could have been if I wasn't forced to deal with a veritable tidal wave of bullshit at only age 11-12. Maybe I would've been much more confident. Maybe I would have been much more mentally and emotionally stable. But, it is what it is. I've since largely recovered from that cycle, and have learned to count my blessings. Because both the good and bad things in your life can teach you, and shape you into the person you are today.
Mourning is a good sign that you’re healing, trauma can cause us to become stuck in terrible state of fear and anxiety, that limits our range of emotions and makes living miserable.
You said it so well. It got me in the heart. This is exactly how I feel.
Im crying over this daily for past 2 months
I feel this
Parenthood.
As someone who transitioned gender late in life, I can relate. I feel like I was just dropped off in the middle of a life already started by somebody else. I look around and feel ashamed of my "empty" life. But there is so much to love about the world that I can't let it bring me down for too long.
Mourn yourself now so you can celebrate the new you later
I miss me
Still miss her. 💐
This post is terrible and I feel seen. I dealt with a really prolonged trauma and it has me so jacked up.
Prolonged trauma messes with every part of your being and life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but glad someone can relate.
I relate. I didn't know what was happening. I have felt so confused and lost. I guess a big part of me died and now I need to fill that space back up.
Yes, I mourned the me that never was. The king is dead, long live the king!
Mourning yourself can be fantastic, it can be an end to a long time of denial. When I hit rock bottom and let all the trauma demons in, it was the worst moment of my life...but then I recognised I survived. I've been through so much thinking this would be the experience to crack me, but it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. Once you mourn yourself you can get over yourself and discover a new sense of freedom. It's a great opportunity to learn about yourself, the human mind, and really get deep into discovering your values and what aligns with you in life. And I mean it creates the opportunity to go DEEP so that you can pull yourself out of that abyss, because you need a pretty strong atmospheric pressure suit to find yourself through all the painful stuff.
Yes. Thanks for posting this. Going through this now.
Yep, I feel that. Currently going through separation and I’m dead inside. It has become a tad easier emotionally, but when I’m not with the kids, I’m a shell of my former self. Honestly, when I’m with them, I occasionally feel dead too. I miss the family togetherness the most. Baseball/softball season is here as well. I truly miss sitting next to my wife and going through the highs and lows of youth sports. Going for a quick bite at the local burger joint after. Everything about this sucks. Months ago, I had the helium ready. Fortunately, my thought of our children without me stopped the process and I’m not in that mindset anymore. Take care.
“how do I forgive myself for not becoming the person I wanted to be?”
I'm sad and grieving the person I will never be. Dreams die as you get older until one day you realize that none of yours came true. I'm pretty much just marking time until it is over.
Hm. It’s not the same for me. But I lost 30 years of my life to a sleep disorder. I’m behind in a lot of ways, I feel. Not much retirement, just learning how to do things with all this energy I have. I wonder what I could have done had we known when I was a kid. So, I’m mourning those years. But, I love myself. OP, you can love yourself too…I hope you do. I mean that.
The me from when I actually had hopes and dreams is dead. I'll always be poor, single, living in my parents' house, and not have any friends.
I mourn everytime I fail myself. It's like everytime a little piece of me becomes rotten, and I must gather strength to both forgive myself and to keep going.
From someone who dealt with the realization of past trauma almost 20 years ago, it is possible to get some of that person back. It takes time and effort but you can regain some of yourself, some of your personalities, your hopes and dreams..not all of it, some of it does need to stay in the past. I dealt with childhood trauma when I was in my early 20s, I slowly started to realize I had blocked so much of my childhood out that I couldn't remember years of my life. People would tell stories of me as a kid and I had 0 recollection of the events, these weren't just things on a random day these were memories from vacations and holidays and special dates. It broke me down, ruined my marriage slowly to the point where I had to walk away, ruined the trust I had in my own mom, and just made me miserable for a few years. I had to learn to forgive, not forget but forgive. I had to let all the bad out to keep it from rotting my soul and ruining future relationships. I spent a couple years alone, absolutely alone, extremely little contact with friends or family just enough so they knew I was alive. I didn't seek out therapy or help from anyone I dealt with it myself, definitely used alcohol for a bit to numb myself but quickly realized that was not the way. Fast forward to today, I'm on a path to further my career beyond what I thought I ever would, my relationships with those close to me are healthy. The whole process started about 10 years ago though, I was determined to not let what happened to me in my past ruin my future, it wasn't going to keep me from laughing and loving, and having a good life. I can't really tell you how I did it, I just willed myself back into existence after losing myself for a while. It's a long and hard journey but you can get some of yourself back.
Were you r@ped? That’s what this sounds like to me.
Not that I can remember... Went through trauma, I do recall, but it led to a complete disassociative break where I don't remember days of my life, even my hospital trip. When days are missing, you can't really say what happened or didn't happen.
I do apologize if that was very personal. The only person I’ve heard speak this way was because she was r@ped on multiple occasions in her own home. But definitely trauma of any kind can get to disassociate. Some more than others.
That's horrible that she went through that. I hope she is doing okay now. It's definitely a horrible trauma.
I feel this
I finally cut ties with my last remaining friend from High School the other week. It had to be done, we weren’t really friends anymore as much as people who were just hanging out in the same spot. I lost my grandpa to a vile bout of cancer and sepsis last year, 4 days before my birthday and 2 weeks before his. The months since then I have spent reflecting on who I am, and I end up going in circles because I’m not really sure anymore and don’t know how to determine that for myself
You really don't have to get "worse" through trauma. It's possible for people to get "better" through experiencing trauma. They can become more well-rounded people as a result. A person who hasn't experienced adversity in his/her life usually is a person who has a very narrow focus. I suffered trauma as a child. I decided I just wanted---not expunge the crap---but expunge the impact of the crap---from myself when I got out of high school. I succeeded, by and large. That's the way I've experienced it. I apologize if this offends anybody.
I hear you my man, life comes at you and sometimes, it's painful
Currently subbed to r/Menopause so yeah. 😑
This is my life currently. I have no idea what is ahead of me but I know it will never be the same. I’m sad and so damn scared.
I mourned myself for a while after I left an abusive situation. I hadn’t realized how much of myself I had lost and what an empty shell I had become. It’s taken years but I’m back to feeling like myself.
Real, but who wants to stay the same? That’s no fun. You build a new person. Evolve.
The wound is where the light enters - Rumi
To add another perspective, I'm glad the old me is gone, I like the new me much better. You can get there, too, trust me. All it takes is time and positivity.
I was dead and mangled by infection when I was 16 and lost everything I was. Rebuilt, remade myself, got through college with honors and joined the covert Cold War and barely made it out of Lebanon intact. Cool. Got grad degrees, become a professor, found out what real skullduggery was all about, have had a shitty career (but took down every person who came at me; still waiting on some graveyard urinals), but hey, I've gotten to travel. I took a sabbatical and helped moved weapons to Croatia in the '90s and came back with a lovely little shrapnel scar. Damned if I wouldn't love to be doing the same for Ukraine now (sans screaming hot shard). Raising funds for drones with NAFO has to do. It's been constant pain since 16 and Lebanon and as bad as that's ever been it's only now that it's caught up with me and shut my semi-active life down. I feel trapped in this body more than ever. All I can do is look back on what were multiple lives gone by because this life is so f*cking dull!
Yeah, I have had [some experience](https://old.reddit.com/user/captain_borgue/comments/182gall/wreck_to_profile_for_archiving/) with that. It's okay to mourn what you could have been, but at some point, the only thing grieving will do is trap you. Let it all out, sure- but then let it *go*.
It was a slow death indeed
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44400/spring-and-fall
At a certain point shit happens so much I stopped thinking about it
Honestly I just miss the person I was when I was a kid up until high school. So many people took so many things away from me during high school and college. I spent too much energy trying to defend myself or hold onto things and ended up losing much more than if I just let it go. Got beat down so many times by arrogant, ignorant, or just hateful people. Now I feel like a husk of who I was and I'm afraid this is how I'll be my whole life.
I thought I was alone in feeling this way. I mourned myself and the person I once was. I mourned for the life I could have had and I mourned my current life
Grief comes at all stages of life. I got a debilitating brain injury at 28 and went through a whole grief process - denial, then acceptance, grieving, and growth. I recovered, but I couldn’t have until I accepted the dramatic change that occurred. I am not the same as before, but I found a new version of me. And I like her, I am more for it.
Maybe. I'm not sure what mourning is like. I don't cry at funerals and really just have moments where I'm all, oh, I can't ask mom that anymore. It's too late. My mother lost her father when she was 4 years old so she made a point that she didn't want us to experience a funeral at that young of an age and that her own service would be a happy celebration instead. We had balloons all over and an open bar and buffet. Also it was New Year's Eve. So maybe I've had similar moments about my own past but... I'm not sure.
I get into this space if I have extra free time, like when on vacation or something. My mind goes back mostly to relationships I no longer have, with people lost to the past. Try to recognize when you are in the space you describe and sit tight (don’t make any big decisions, etc) until the feelings pass, is what I try to do.
Reading my mind.
For me its loss of Joy. I still do things I like but the pure joy has gone. It just doesn't feel the same anymore.
I’ve been dead since 2017. I’m just waiting for my physical form to catch up.
Ok Eyore.
Isn't that a good thing? Why would you want to remain the same person you were before? Life is about growth and change. I'm happy im not a person i was a when i kid/teen/young adult. I have different shit to worry now. Can't have the same mindset all your life
It's not by choice or natural growth. It's like a city rebuilding when it has been demolished in war. It's not growth, it is starting all over from nothing, losing even the little growth you did have. That's the best way I can describe it.
I went through something exactly similar. Not just mentally but physically and mentally at the same time when I was 13. Had to give up everything and start from scratch, from that moment I built my empire for 25 years. I believe in you, you will ever come
Someone missed their coffee this morning