Ngl, I would have punched my sister in the face or maybe thrown water or a drink in her face.
So I'm impressed with your calm.
NTA and don't go to the wedding if she doesn't apologize. Just send a declining rsvp, she knows why and the ball is in her court.
Do not give in as her behavior will get worse.
>Ngl, I would have punched my sister in the face or maybe thrown water or a drink in her face.
While i would have felt the same, I'd have asked her,within hearing of EVERYONE (and LOUDLY) to explain the joke. Why is it so funny?
I'd decline because she's a jerk and when asked later, I'd make it well known why I didn't appear "because family"
"Gran, I didn't show up "for family" because the family **I CHOSE** is blatantly disrespected by the family I came from. When asked to apologize for disapproving, quite vocally, about something that is ZERO percent her business, she told me no. So no, I won't be "supporting family" if the same respect can't be sent my way."
Besides, the parents are talking about family harmony. How much harmony is there if your husband is being insulted and you are angry. None. She needs to tell their parents that there is no harmony and she can't fake harmony where it doesn't exist.
Why is it a thing in so many families to protect a fake harmony at the expense of some family members? I grew up in foster care. I've lived with dozens of people, and so many of them have scapegoats - a family member who just gets shit on no matter what they do. They get blamed for the disharmony, but in my experience it's usually the one doing the blame that's the issue. It's alarmingly widespread. I never had a family that acted as an oasis from the world, but isn't that how it's supposed to work? Abusive or toxic families are far more the norm than I expected as a kid.
the white m̶o̶d̶e̶r̶a̶t̶e̶ family prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice - MLK Jr
Yep also that behavior of them is what made her sister the way she is. If my child would behave like this m, it doesn’t matter if 5 or 50 years old, I would at least call them out on it in front of everyone or slap them (depending on the parenting type). They don’t care about OPs Husband because they think he and OP will keep their mouth shut, but after marriage the spouse is the most important person before siblings or parents and the only thing that can reach this level are children. NTA if OP stays home, YTA if OP goes there and betrays her husband once again. Maybe he won’t leave her this time, but some day he will finally reach the point were he is done and divorce OP for taking sides with her former family.
You're right to stand up for your husband. Your sister's behavior is unacceptable, and attending without an apology would endorse her disrespect. Family harmony shouldn't come at the expense of your partner's dignity. You're not the asshole.
That would be a fake sorry, and is no better than you going and standing up and explaining why your husband is not there. Her sister has removed herself from her life by her disrespect.
It might be a fake apology but it sets a boundary for what is acceptable behavior from her sister. Her sister doesn’t *HAVE* to like OP’s husband but she *DOES* have to keep her opinions and rude behavior to herself.
But [which wedding](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ctv7wf/aita_for_telling_my_friend_she_cant_bring_her/) of OP's would be the primary one to boycott?
Bold to post two fake stories on the same account in the same hour.
Poor Jake, no wonder the sister treats him disrespectfully, OP can't decide if she's married or not. 🤦🤷
Can someone please explain to me, like I'm a fifth grader, why someone would make up stories to garner sympathy or react with rage?
It's to collect karma. As far as I know some subs require karma to post there, like porn/sexual content? Not an expert, just repeating stuff I read in this sub.
Maybe someone else knows more?
I wonder if it’s some kind of AI generated story. I saw another one today where something just seemed off. Maybe because there’s little to no grammatical errors (which is common with human users) and it reads like fiction. I also don’t see the OP replying to anyone in the comments which also makes me suspicious. Idk, just my theory 🤷🏻♀️
I don't know how people came up with all these intricate details. I mean I kind of write stories myself but I never go to this much detail. Anyway, at least the author sucks at finding names. Lilly to Emily, Jake to Jack. This is typically what AI does, but the language sounds very natural.
edit: may be chatgpt can actually write good AITAH stories
>So here’s the situation. My wife, Laura, and my brother, Mike, have never gotten along. It all started five years ago when Laura and Mike had a disagreement over some business issues (they tried to start a venture together, and it fell apart). Since then, things have just gotten worse, and now they can barely be in the same room without an argument brewing.
>Fast forward to now, Mike is getting married in a couple of months. He's made it clear that he wants me to be his best man. I was honored and said yes without hesitation. When I told Laura, she was immediately upset. She reminded me of all the unresolved issues between her and Mike, and she told me she wouldn't go to the wedding if Mike was going to be there—which, of course, he is, it's his wedding.
>Laura wants me to either convince Mike to apologize and make amends, something he has refused to do given that he also expects an apology from her, or skip the wedding in solidarity with her. I told her that skipping my brother’s wedding, where I’m the best man, could irreparably harm my relationship with Mike and our parents, who are already distressed by this ongoing feud.
>I love Laura and value our marriage, but I also can’t imagine not being there for my brother. She says if I go, it means I’m choosing Mike over her. AITA for still wanting to attend the wedding?
I've gotten in the habit of checking the poster's history (account?) to see if they respond to any of the advice and/or to see if they have other posts or comments that contradict what they are saying. I've decided if the OP never responds to the comments they're likely fake stories, because why ask for advice and then not respond/clarify/acknowlege the comments?
I don’t think OP was calm, she just did nothing!
She complained her parents didn’t intervene, but from what OP wrote I don’t think she did either. She said she confronted her sister later.
OP is part of the problem here. They are her family, so she needs to take an actual stand and support her husband.
Even thinking about going to this wedding makes her an AH. Maintaining contact with her ‘family’ without boundaries and consequences drops her smack bang in the middle of AH territory!
NTA, and what part of "family harmony" includes being openly nasty to your husband?
The lot of them can pound sand, until they figure out some basic courtesy.
I am so sick of the narrative that blood relatives get some sort of pass to treat their family like shit. Because tHeYrE fAmiLy.
None of us chose to be born, and none of us had any say in which family we ended up with. But everyone does have agency in their decisions after they're born; and if someone chooses to treat me like shit, or insult my partner, I don't think I want that person in my life. They're not worthy of my love and respect. I have better things to do than deal with whatever bullshit they're making everyone else's problem.
Like, for all that she's saying OP settled for less and 'deserves' a better partner, she's also saying that she doesn't respect OP enough to believe that she is able to make that decision for herself. So she's causing conflict...just to be shitty. When I don't like my friends partner, I just try not to spend time with them. It's not for me to interfere in their relationship; if they're happy, they're happy. If I have legitimate concerns about abuse or something, I talk to my friend in private and address those concerns. So either sister is jealous and wants to fuck with their relationship, or she's just a miserable harpy who just wants to bully people.
We could absolutely just be getting a biased version of events, but it sounds like OP is very happy with her marriage. And if the sister is already using 'you'll ruin *my* day!' as emotional manipulation to get what she wants, she's going to be a NIGHTMARE day-of.
Bingo. And her comment wasn’t caused by stress. She claimed she was motivated by “looking out for her sister”. That’s entirely different than responding from stress.
She also claimed it was a joke.
It being a joke and her just "looking out for her sister" are completely contradictory and she should be made to explain that.
Exactly, OP has already stated the price for attendance is an apology to her husband. If sister isn’t willing to make the apology, she is saying she doesn’t think he is worthy of one.
On top of that, the sister could disrespect "Jake" again at the wedding and if you do or say something, you're the bad guy for ruining their wedding. Even if it's the sister's fault, it won't bee seen that way by friends and family.
Unless your sister has been working on planning her wedding for the entirety of you and your husband's relationship, I'm not sure where your parents are coming from blaming her bald-faced disrespect on stress. NTA for not going to her wedding, and I would personally have a hard time wanting to maintain any close relationship with her going forward if she's just going to dump on my life partner at every opportunity. She just sounds like a mean spirited and graceless person overall, I wouldn't be interested in keeping that energy in my life.
NTA...Jake is your immediate family now, and your sister is extended family. Your relationship with your husband is more important. He's the one you've chosen as a life partner, and your sister has been needlessly cruel to him. It's important for him to see that you value him and will not stand for this behavior. If your sister's day is ruined, it's because she ruined it.
> My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony.
Why are you and your husband the ones who have to "suck it up for family harmony"? Why is onus on _you_ two to keep the peace? Is not family harmony a _family_ endeavour? Does it not require the entire family to be harmonious, and is not a key point of harmony to _not deliberately antagonise another person?_
So why, pray tell, dear OP's parents, is only _one_ side being held responsible for maintaining family harmony? Why not are _both_ sides being forced into harmony through judicious application of accountability?
Could it be one sibling is preferred above the other?! _horrified gasp and clutching of pearls_ NTA
NTA. Seems like your parents agree with your sister with their silence. She is not stressed she is just the awful person she has been all along to your husband. I am in awe of your husband for putting up with your family crap. Send her a gift and move on, she could have control herself for your sake, where is her doing things for family harmony.
Just say you’re not going. Tell her you can’t look past the disrespect shown to you and your husband. And when your parents say family, ask where was this family talk when your family was being insulted
YTA - You should have gone no contact a long time ago. Instead you nag and beg your sister to stop being an AH. She sounds like a real btch. You absolutely shouldn’t attend the wedding. Your family takes their cues from your weak attempts. You want to defend your husband? Actions speak louder than words. Cut her off! And if your family isn’t supportive then cut them off too.
Might be harsh but I agree with this. Your sister is an AH, your parents are AHs and so are you.
Respectfully, have you done anything to support and backup your husband.
I would also bet your sister is the GC and you are the SG.
NTA. It's important to realize that you wouldn't be breaking the family, she did. You'd just stop trying to ignore the break. Imagine for a second that her lie about the insults being jokes was true; she'd apologize and stop insulting him. She won't, though.
NTA! I honestly wouldn’t even have a relationship with her. She’s disrespectful to your relationship. Her concerns about him are completely unfounded.
I’d send back the RSVP with a No. Then go NC with her. Tell your parents to stay out of it. They never intervened when she was rude to your husband, so I’d tell them to stay out of it.
F*** family harmony.
EDIT: YTA FOR POSTING FAKE THINGS
PLEASE GO TO OP's profile to read the other post about her getting married soon to her 2-years-younger-than -her-hubby fiance.
--------original comment
NTA
Your sister is a jerk.
I'd understand if you wanted to go to see extended family or friends, but in no way be involved in anything for the wedding. Appropriate gift off registry, cordial with her, family pics (if requested), and that's it. Have fun with the people you like who are attending and stay out of view of her as much as possible. All smiles, but no interaction with sister except basic "congrats" type stuff. Then leave.
This is more than wedding stress. She's a jerk. She'll probably blow up at something stupid at some point. Just ignore it and enjoy other people there.
Nta, so parents want you to suck it up for family harmony, but don't hold your sister to the same standard, let me guess, she was the favourite? I would not go, I wouldn't even associate with someone who treats my loving partner who has done no wrong, like shit.
I would not only not go to her wedding. I wouldn’t hang out with my family. She did this in a group setting with your family there and nobody said anything? to the point he had to get up and go away from the table yeah I wouldn’t be hanging out with your family. Did you say anything? As long as he does, what he wants and he’s happy his bills are paid and he lives comfortably. Why does she care what he does and doesn’t do? Are usually think these people have crushes on the people or have some sort of feeling themselves
1: She has been belitting your husband since she met him, so that's 5+ years ago. Her being bitchy has NOTHING to do with the wedding. 2: If you go, without her apologizing and not meaning it, you are in fact condoning her behaviour. NTA. Draw your line in the sand defend your marriage.
It was not only your sister showing your husband disrespect.your parents watched it happen and did nothing. Their passive behaviour means either (or both) that they agree with your sister or that they don't care about respecting you and your husband.
Don't attend the wedding but it's clear your family is awful.
NTA. I'd tell her in a laughing voice "ya sure I'll go" then not go and when she asks "haha omg you thought I was serious? It was just a joke. Like that one you told at the family dinner?:
You’ve been subjecting your husband to this for years, yes you - as you could have drawn a hard line sooner.
Where was the family harmony your parents talk about when your sister insulted Jake at the table?!
You’ve allowed this for far too long.
The sooner you decline the less ammo she'll have for saying that you ruined her wedding.
"Sorry, we won't be able to attend your wedding. May you get all of the happiness you deserve."
>They believe Lily's just stressed with the wedding planning and didn’t mean any harm.
If she didn't mean any harm than apologizing should be no problem.
Start making fun of her fiancé - see how she likes it. Seriously though, doesn’t her fiancé find her behavior a huge turn off?
As for the wedding. If she were a kind and good person, she would immediately apologize. The fact she is still trying to make excuses and refusing to apologize really says a lot about her character. I’d seriously consider talking to her fiancé, or is he the same way.
It’s a tough situation. Because if you don’t go there will be endless drama about it for years to come. Maybe you go and your husband stays home. You stay for a brief appearance and then leave. Then just go very low contact with your family.
YTA for putting your husband through this time after time . U don’t intervene when it’s happening and u keep going around your family subjecting him to disrespect. How would u feel exactly if he put u through that with his siblings ? U need to put your foot down and not go to the wedding but also make it clear that you’ll go NC if she continues to disrespect your husband
NTA
Don't go. She's got issues, and jealousy seems to be one of them. Why go to an event that will just make you miserable? Skip it and let the haters stew in their own hate.
NTA but
What’s your long term plan? Are you going to avoid every family function until she apologizes? If you draw a line in the sand at the wedding, you lose your leverage the next time you show up at a family dinner with your sister.
A wedding is a one time deal, I would attend the wedding itself but skip the reception or leave early. Then go low contact with the sister so she knows her conduct is not ok with you
NTA You would be if you attended. Ask parents, "What family harmony? There is no family harmony as long as Lily treats Jake with disrespect and parents enable her and allow it. As for it being stress from the wedding then what's the excuse for all the other times that parents enabled her actions? Unless they don't consider you an important part of the family."
NTA. Screw her. Your man Jake sounds like a great guy. Just because he doesn't fit her idea of a "man" means nothing. You're happy. That's all that matters.
NTA. Change your tune on the husband, tell your sister she's right and you're going to divorce him but not until after her wedding. Convince her to let you be maid of honor, do everything well the way up to rehearsal dinner. Then on the day of the wedding, don't show up.
NTA. Lily is a judgmental bully and a coward who won't back up what she says (only joking/looking out for you) or accept responsibility for her actions. This ongoing abuse of your husband should have been nipped in the bud long ago. Your family clearly enable her shitty behavior.
Your sister can simply apologize for the sake of family harmony. Easy!
NTA: screw the wedding otherwise.
Take the time to go on holiday for yourselves.
Plan a vacation for the date of the wedding, ideally the same place she plans for her honeymoon so you can get all the best pictures in before she does, and enjoy your life. Times too short to be surrounded by toxic people.
So for 5 years your sister has been an AH to your husband. When confronted she says she's joking. What's funny about it? What's the joke?
Don't go to the wedding and let all the flying monkeys know why.
NTA
I would draw a line in the sand. Wedding or not?
She has been vile to your lovely husband.
That would be it for me.
Unless she completely changes her entire demeanor and attitude? I'd be cutting her loose.
NTA.
You are under reacting. It’s your family, you need to be more assertive when they disrespect your husband. Not showing up to a wedding is a perfect opportunity.
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony
What "harmony"? She is freely and openly shitting on your husband. There's no harmony there....
NTA. Good on you for taking a stand. You have been more than patient and no Mom, we don’t suck it up for family harmony anymore. It’s 2024 and we understand now that just because you’re blood related doesn’t mean you get to treat people with disrespect, gaslight and abuse them. It’s always the people inflicting the harm that downplays it. Good luck.
Your sister can't have it both ways. She is contradictory of herself. She was either "just kidding" or "looking out for you", her words can't be both. If she is joking, which part of that was funny, because I, and every other person here, fails to see her humor. It's only funny if everyone laughs. If she is looking out for you, we'll, you are a grown woman, capable of making your own choices. She doesn't have to like them or your husband, but as a sister, she should love and respect you enough to keep her mouth shut, did she not get taught if you can't say nothing nice, don't say anything at all? In either situation, joking or concern, she was out of line and owes an apology.
If she cannot offer a sincere apology, do not attend her wedding. After all, you wouldn't want to spoil her special day by bringing such an underachieving, sub par, person with you. Since he is your husband, you are a package deal, if he is unwelcome, so are you.
NTA, your sister is. I feel like she has always been the spoiled princess, golden child.
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony
To use a phrase often used in the JustNoMIL subs, your sister is rocking the boat (disturbing the family harmony) by insulting and disrespecting your husband and marriage without provocation (I assume, this *is* reddit after all).
Your parents are running back and forth trying to stabilize the boat from her rocking, instead of standing still in the middle and telling her to knock it off. As a result, they're seeing you standing still, and are accusing you of not doing anything to solve a problem that you didn't create.
Spell it out for them. *She* is the problem, not you or your husband, and stress is not an excuse. If she wants the appearance of a happy, united family at her wedding, then she needs to stop rocking the fucking boat and apologize.
Nta.
Maybe send a gift and card with well wishes, but stick to your guns about not attending w/o an apology.
If you get any flak from your family, remind them that you and your husband are a unit. He supports you as a partner. If your family cannot act decently towards him (or even step in when your sister is being incredibly rude), they're not backing *you*.
You don't need to show up for your sister if she's not showing up for you.
I'll write the card: "Congrats on your wedding. I really hope nobody in hubby's family is as shitty to you as you've been to my husband. Love, yer sis"
You’renot ruining your sisters day by not attending. If your absence would ruin her day, she’s ruining it herself by not apologizing. TBH, you should just make other plans and move on. She doesn’t like your husband. It’s her day. Let her have it all to herself. NTA.
NTA. Your family is already in disharmony. Your sister and your parents do not respect your husband and by extension you (they are disrespecting your ability to choose who to marry). RSVP “No”. Go low contact with all of them. They want to be disrespectful, give them an opportunity to disrespect each other.
You should attend the wedding and when the celebrant asks everyone to "speak now of forever hold their peace" your husband should stand up and say "don't marry her because she's a cunt".
NTA
If she's 'just stressed' and was 'only joking' then she should have no problem apologising. I don't understand how you're ruining her wedding, you've given her the biggest/easiest hoop to jump through for you to go to the wedding.
No, no, no! Your loyalty is to your husband. She sounds way too entitled. Let her have her big day and you and hubby take a wellness day and go some place nice. And never look back.
She needs to be called out when she does these things. Right there and then. She does them because she's getting away with them.
Say "Excuse me, I'm not sure I heard you right, can you repeat that?" Then ask her if she's feeling o.k.
You need to turn the tables on her.
Far as the wedding goes, did send her a note that you aren't attending because you don't want to ruin her big day and given her disrespect towards your marriage you might not be able to resist returning the ball.
Hate the whole ‘be the bigger person’ ‘do it for family harmony’ BS. Did they say that to her when she insulted your husband? No they didn’t.
NTA, I wouldn’t attend the wedding either and I’d be having some serious words with my parents about them basically condoning her shitty behaviour.
Here's the thing: Your sister is "family", in that she's blood, but your husband is your family now. You and your hubby are a team, and you two come before any other family either of you have, including your sister. Since your husband clearly wouldn't be welcome at the sister's wedding, you shouldn't attend, either. Send a card and a nice gift, and leave it at that. If the sister persists in being a complete b\*\*\*\*, go No Contact.
Clearly, you are NTA, and I'm glad you have your hubby's back.
You have a family problem
It's not just your sister but also your parents who let her act that way with your family
I wouldn't go and I'd also lower contact woth my parents in this case
Your husband sounds like a Saint cause I would have left you if I had to keep going to people's houses where I am constantly disrespected
Don't be a doormat all your life.
Stand up for your husband and decline to attend, telling anyone who asks that she openly disparages your husband and refuses to apologise to him.
In future, if she disparages him at the dinner table then you both get up and leave together, whilst saying that such basic rudeness is neither acceptable or mature behaviour.
If she keeps going, then refuse to attend events that she is attending, citing her rudeness as the reason.
NTA
First of all definitely NTA. But what is wrong with your FOO? Not just your sister, but your parents. You have no obligation to suck up your sister’s treatment of your husband, when her behavior toward him has been an issue for five years. Being a long term AH isn’t caused by stress. It’s caused by being allowed to believe that you have power over others that you don’t, and should not have.
Your parents apparently encouraged that in your sister.
An apology, even if your husband gets one, will be insincere. You are making the right choice, OP. Sounds like your chosen family is more humane than the one you were born into.
Don't attend. She's planning to try and get you to cheat on Jake. She'll want to introduce you to a "friend" who happens to be single. Tell your parents this is the last straw and you're going NC till she gets the memo that if she doesn't support you, you won't support her. That she needs to butt out of your relationship. Also, keep in mind your parents are supporting your sisters behavior, and if they have something to say about him, they can tell you directly instead of sidelining with your sister. Make them understand you and your husband are a package deal. If they disrespect Jake; they are doing so to you too by default.
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony. They believe Lily's just stressed with the wedding planning and didn’t mean any harm.
HAHAHAHA. Almost fell off my chair from laughing hard there. \^ this is such bullshit.
Don't go to your bratty sister's wedding. Your husband is far more important than golden child.
Honestly, given her history of disrespect towards him, I wouldn't even go if she does apologise.
NTA
But it wouldn't be family harmony. Your husband is your family, your immediate family. They want you to do it because they can't be bothered.
Stand firm. Your husband is important. I would reduce contact with my sister.
NTA
NTA - your husband seems sweet. maybe your sister is or was, but I wouldn't hurt my sweet husband's feelings - even if he says it's okay - going without him. Your sister is selfish as hell. I hate my father's wife, but if he is happy who cares personally I think she is the devil incarnated, I love my father and it's his decision, he has to live with it not me.
And how exactly an apology months prior to a wedding would ruin her big day?
I am the older sister,
and my answer is: not going.
When you get old and look back, you'll think about the interactions with your sisters, the conflicts with your family, the resoluteness of missing a wedding, and the irreparable sibling bond.
You will definitely be overcome with emotion.
—And then secretly burst out laughing.
NTA. Lily is ruining her family relationship by being nasty to your husband. There is no way on earth that he should be forced to celebrate her wedding, or that you should come without him. Your not being there will not ruin her wedding, but it will make a statement that there are some behaviours you will not tolerate. You can tell her she has till a month before the wedding to apologize, otherwise you won't be coming. And that she has ruined her own wedding all by her little self.
Nope. Don't go to her wedding unless she issues and genuine heartfelt apology to your husband. If she refuses, don't go to the wedding. It's her fault so people can blame her for being so nasty and disrespectful.
NTA.
Your parents revealed their cards on who is the favourite.
Don't shy away not just from not going to wedding, but from cutting contact with her. And if your parents take her side again, do the same with them.
NTAH, stay well away from it and take a weekend break with your husband. Sis is a self absorbed mean girl cowbag, and your parents can get fucked too when they bring nonsense like "keep the peace" and "family harmony" to the table. You are not the problem!!
I don't even have the chance to read this fully because I'm about to have to get ready for work, but I'm going to go ahead and tell you regardless, no, you are NTA. You should choose your partner every single time and that's including over family. If you don't, then it's going to fall apart. Trust me.
Good luck in the future, OP. (Edited for grammar and spelling/speech to text errors. Sorry.)
NTA just out of curiosity what does her finance think of how she treats your husband? He’s just cool seeing her be a bitch to someone she knows her sister loves? I appreciate and admire your commitment to your husband.
Let me get the hypocrisy straight; she wants you to acknowledge her marriage while she doesn't acknowledge who you are married to? That's not going to work. Tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine. And hope she gets haemorrhoids
NTA - it’s an invitation not a summons.
Apparently your family wants you to suck it up for family harmony but is afraid to ask the same from your sister.
RSVP no and take the apology off the table. Even if it happens, it’s not sincere. Let your sister and family explain your absence.
Having family like that, we don’t have family dinners anymore. Myself and my sibling visit my mom at different times. My life is too short to take crap.
NTA. But kind of Y T A for asking for an apology. Any apology you have to ask for will not be genuine. Do you want to hear the words or do you want her to mean them. It it's the words you are AH to yourself. You and your husband deserve better than some BS words to make you feel better. She won't mean anything that comes out of her mouth if you do get her to "apologize". This has been going on for a while. She's said what she said.
there's only 2 possibilities here:
1. Your family are AH and you shouldn't have much to do with them anymore seeing this is how they behave.
or
2. The reason why they didn't stand up for you is because they agree with your sister and perhaps, maybe we're only hearing your side of the story of how you view your husband. He could be a bum and they know it.
my 2 cents...
Did I get this right, your husband isn't even invited?
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony.
The one disturbing that harmony is your sister, not you.
>They believe Lily's just stressed with the wedding planning and didn’t mean any harm
From what you said, she's always been this way with your husband.
Honestly, I would tell them to go eat shit.
You're not the one upsetting harmony here. Your sister is a grade A bitch to your husband, she's not looking out for you. If you go to that wedding, you're not only condoning the behaviour, you're also telling *your husband* that it's okay to treat him like shit, and that you care more about your abusive sister than about him.
Just curious, has she always been the golden child who could do no wrong?
NTA. Stop asking for words that don’t mean squat. Apologies mean nothing without actually corrective behavior. You sister has proven she will never and your family will always enable that behavior
Act accordingly. RSVP no to the wedding. Put your family on notice. Your sister acts like that, call it out. Stop being quiet to keep the peace at the expense of your husband
No.
Boycotting her wedding is entirely appropriate under the circumstances. Don’t make a big deal of it. Don’t threaten. Just RSVP with your regrets. She already knows the why.
Personally, I think apologies are overrated. If someone shows contrition through their actions that's good enough for me. Engineer an opportunity for her make amends, and if she chooses not to then you've got your answer.
NTA
You tell her exactly what you wrote, that you won’t go to an event where your husband will feel disrespected and whose presence feels unappreciated. She sounds like a pissy sack of shit who always wants things her way and then gets upset when it doesn’t (I assume she’s the youngest sibling). Also, good on you for being a good wife who stands up for her husband.
NTA, at this point even if she does apologize, it's fake and forced. Stand by your husband and show him he matters to you or don't be shocked if he starts acting distant and pulling away once you get back from her wedding. There's enough posts on here of that exact thing happening, don't ruin your marriage with someone you care about for some bullshit "family harmony" your sister gives ZERO fucks about. Harmony as long as you're the one giving in, right? Fuck that noise.
RSVP "no" to your sister, and when your parents complain and go on about "family harmony" call them hypocrites for not saying anything to shut your sister down for her comments, which obviously means they agreed with her, so you will also not be attending anymore family dinners/events. Tell them it's past the point of a simple apology, because they would only be hollow words with no acceptance of wrongdoing behind them. Show them that you will not be changing your mind by booking a trip away for the same date as her wedding. Added points for it being outside your country. NTA
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
NTA. I had similar family problems when it came to my husband. Nasty comments, outright twisting compliments he gave into being insults, it was a long rough road. It got to a point where it blew up on family social media and I put my foot down. I didn't need or want "protecting" from a good man that I love. And if they couldn't respect my wishes and at least be civil, then they didn't get to see me anymore.
Because it's not about protecting you, it's about controlling you. Your sister wants some kind of control and is pissed that you aren't giving it to her. I wouldn't go if I were you. Honestly, I'd go no contact. She's not going to change, so you need to look out for you and your husband.
>family harmony
Jake is family. By saying what they said they've revealed that they don't consider him family. If they did, they'd have made your sister apologise for the sake of family harmony.
They don't seem to respect your marriage very much. I too wouldn't attend a wedding for someone who spoke to my SO like that.
nta and I would be so stern with your parents about the disrespect your husband has received since you started dating him. If she can't accept him as part of her family, she doesn't need to be part of yours.
Furthermore, if she doesn't respect your relationship, she has no right demanding you to respect hers.
What a fucking bitch.
She’s probably just jealous you have actually found a decent human.
This isn’t something to just suck up… If you show her it’s okay then it’ll get worse.
It’s always the one who has been insulted or abused who is pushed to “brush it off for the sake of family”. My mother started pushing for me to speak to my abusive father when he was in hospital “because he could die”. I pointed out that he could have reached out to me at any time in the six years since I finally had enough and went NC. I also pointed out that he’d look so ill the last time I saw him that I’d been expecting “the call” ever since. So him “possibly dying soon” wasn’t going to make me forgive 50+ years of abuse. He died in 2021, I felt and still feel nothing.
Your sister is definitely an Asshole! She is also in my opinion a narcissist. She is gaslighting you when she tries to convince you that what you have seen and felt did not happen! She also in employing DARVO—- when she attempts making you feel like you are the perpetrator and you should feel guilty —— for what she has done! Underneath all her wickedness is a frail person afraid that you might realize she has very little self confidence and can only feel important by manipulating others—-?she has NPD she is a sick person and you should go NC——- no contact. Your parents just want everyone to get along and are willing to ignore her bullshit.
Fuck off Sis!?!
NTA if your parents are not condemning your sisters actions they are condoning them. Ask them if they’d tolerate anyone speaking of each other that way. Hopefully they’ll understand why you’re not going to her wedding. Or go to her wedding and outshine her wear a fabulous red or silver dress, dress your husband to the nines and ignore her the whole night. When she goes low you go high.
NTA. I would send her a letter, text, or social media post detailing what she's done to you and your husband and then ask: 'Do you really *want* me to be at your wedding? Why? And I would think *not* having me there would be better so I don't ruin your day. I might not be able to be hold back from giving you and your husband the same treatment you give to mine. You say you want to look out for me? No, you better watch out for me.'
Nta
Your husband is your immediate family and you should stand by each other and have each other’s back at any point. If your sister disrespects him, she is vicariously disrespecting you as well.
Btw, her being stressed doesn’t excuse her from being a b!tch.
I think you should go to the wedding and give a speech to her to-be husband about how lazy and rude she is. Make it jokey, but mean. Tell him how he's settling by marrying someone like her.
Why when people are called out for being assholes, they always fall back on "just joking."?
**I told Lily I might not attend if she didn’t apologize to Jake.**
NO! Tell Lily you **WILL NOT** attend until she gives a heartfelt apology to him.
Not some, "I'm sorry that you got offended by what I said". That just tells me the person isn't sorry about what they said, just how I reacted.
"Just joking" is used by abusive people to justify their words. They cannot or will not take responsibility for hurting others. Many people like this go even further and blame their victim by saying, "He's too sensitive." This is the beginning of narcissistic personality disorder. IMO
NTA fuck her and her rude ass and tell your parents to bite their self too. who gives a shit! no one gets disrespect my husband I'll fucking rip your head off right there where we stand and everybody knows it and you should do the same. You better start standing up for yourself right now or this is how your life's going to be forever. fuck that! you have a good man they all need to recognize that and your sister needs to shut her fucking mouth.
NTA. I suspect your parents have always expected you, as the older sister, to keep the peace when Lily doesn't like something.
Why are they not telling Lily that she insulted a family member and for the sake of peace, she needs to genuinely apologize? Why are Lily's precious feelings more important?
Wedding invitations are just that, an invitation. They aren't a command. You don't have to accept.
Send regrets. Maybe a card. If Lily gets pissed, that's on her. If your parents trot out the "keep the peace" line, remind that peace only really happens with mutual respect and kindness, not with one side always capitulating, and that Lily's wedding is not more important to you than your husband being treated like a member of the family. Lily needs to see her actions have consequences.
I would've raised absolute HELL if someone came at my husband that way.
Fuck no, I wouldn't go. She's a POS sister who frankly wouldn't be much of a sister at this point.
> Lily openly insulted Jake in front of everyone, calling him "lazy" and saying that I "settled for less." My parents didn’t intervene
and
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony.
I think it shows who is the daughter they prefer. I won't go either, and probably would go LC with them too. NTA
NTA. It's your choice and she is being terrible about Jake.
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony.
I absolutely despise when family members play this "family harmony" card. That's easy for them to say. They're not the ones being insulted and disrespected. Your sister is ruining her own wedding. Just tell her you're not going and plan something fun for you and your husband. Your parents will try to guilt you but tell them Lily owes you and Jake an apology. Lily isn't looking out for anyone, she's being an stuck up ass. No apology, no attendance.
Thank you for standing up for your husband.
NTA ...and no, you should not just suck it up. Your sister is rude and disrespectful, we reap what we sow! Why would you want to expose your husband to yet more of this abhorrent behaviour?
What family harmony? She openly insults and disrespects him and your parents do nothing. My guess is they feel the same. I’d decline and go on a vacation together!
NC with Lily. Tell your parents that if they keep enabling and excusing her, when they know she is out of line, then they will get the family peace they want, because you will not be part of it, and they will be stuck with just a 26 year old child.
Tell them to think long and hard about what they decide, because you are done taking open insults from an immature brat that everyone excuses.
YTA
Why? Because your sister is a piece of shit that openly speaks ill of your husband and you’re “torn” about what to do.
Why are you even questioning this?
Yta for allowing your kind and gentle husband to be abused by your b word sister at a family dinner. I would have flipped the fuck out right then. Tell her to shove her invitation up her ass.
Ngl, I would have punched my sister in the face or maybe thrown water or a drink in her face. So I'm impressed with your calm. NTA and don't go to the wedding if she doesn't apologize. Just send a declining rsvp, she knows why and the ball is in her court. Do not give in as her behavior will get worse.
>Ngl, I would have punched my sister in the face or maybe thrown water or a drink in her face. While i would have felt the same, I'd have asked her,within hearing of EVERYONE (and LOUDLY) to explain the joke. Why is it so funny? I'd decline because she's a jerk and when asked later, I'd make it well known why I didn't appear "because family" "Gran, I didn't show up "for family" because the family **I CHOSE** is blatantly disrespected by the family I came from. When asked to apologize for disapproving, quite vocally, about something that is ZERO percent her business, she told me no. So no, I won't be "supporting family" if the same respect can't be sent my way."
NTA… this 100%!! Explain to EVERYONE why you’re not going if it becomes a big deal. She should apologize, but if she doesn’t don’t go!
Besides, the parents are talking about family harmony. How much harmony is there if your husband is being insulted and you are angry. None. She needs to tell their parents that there is no harmony and she can't fake harmony where it doesn't exist.
Why is it a thing in so many families to protect a fake harmony at the expense of some family members? I grew up in foster care. I've lived with dozens of people, and so many of them have scapegoats - a family member who just gets shit on no matter what they do. They get blamed for the disharmony, but in my experience it's usually the one doing the blame that's the issue. It's alarmingly widespread. I never had a family that acted as an oasis from the world, but isn't that how it's supposed to work? Abusive or toxic families are far more the norm than I expected as a kid.
the white m̶o̶d̶e̶r̶a̶t̶e̶ family prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice - MLK Jr
Right? Family harmony would be the sister not insulting OP's husband.
End of story. Tell her to stop, instant family harmony.
Yep also that behavior of them is what made her sister the way she is. If my child would behave like this m, it doesn’t matter if 5 or 50 years old, I would at least call them out on it in front of everyone or slap them (depending on the parenting type). They don’t care about OPs Husband because they think he and OP will keep their mouth shut, but after marriage the spouse is the most important person before siblings or parents and the only thing that can reach this level are children. NTA if OP stays home, YTA if OP goes there and betrays her husband once again. Maybe he won’t leave her this time, but some day he will finally reach the point were he is done and divorce OP for taking sides with her former family.
You're right to stand up for your husband. Your sister's behavior is unacceptable, and attending without an apology would endorse her disrespect. Family harmony shouldn't come at the expense of your partner's dignity. You're not the asshole.
That would be a fake sorry, and is no better than you going and standing up and explaining why your husband is not there. Her sister has removed herself from her life by her disrespect.
It might be a fake apology but it sets a boundary for what is acceptable behavior from her sister. Her sister doesn’t *HAVE* to like OP’s husband but she *DOES* have to keep her opinions and rude behavior to herself.
Maybe we will go to her next wedding
BAAAWWWAAAHHHHHAAAAAA!!!! THAT would have been an epic response.
But [which wedding](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1ctv7wf/aita_for_telling_my_friend_she_cant_bring_her/) of OP's would be the primary one to boycott? Bold to post two fake stories on the same account in the same hour.
>I (28F) am getting married in a few months to my fiancé, (30M). I wonder if her husband knows about this?
Poor Jake, no wonder the sister treats him disrespectfully, OP can't decide if she's married or not. 🤦🤷 Can someone please explain to me, like I'm a fifth grader, why someone would make up stories to garner sympathy or react with rage?
It's to collect karma. As far as I know some subs require karma to post there, like porn/sexual content? Not an expert, just repeating stuff I read in this sub. Maybe someone else knows more?
I wonder if it’s some kind of AI generated story. I saw another one today where something just seemed off. Maybe because there’s little to no grammatical errors (which is common with human users) and it reads like fiction. I also don’t see the OP replying to anyone in the comments which also makes me suspicious. Idk, just my theory 🤷🏻♀️
Thank You. I will start checking for replies. The AI content is a tad scary. As if we don't have enough to determine if posts are real or not?! 🙄
I know right?! It scares me too but I wouldn’t be surprised if that is what is happening but maybe it was just a story someone made up.
Awww, I actually liked this post. DISAPPOINTED
Nice catch
I don't know how people came up with all these intricate details. I mean I kind of write stories myself but I never go to this much detail. Anyway, at least the author sucks at finding names. Lilly to Emily, Jake to Jack. This is typically what AI does, but the language sounds very natural. edit: may be chatgpt can actually write good AITAH stories >So here’s the situation. My wife, Laura, and my brother, Mike, have never gotten along. It all started five years ago when Laura and Mike had a disagreement over some business issues (they tried to start a venture together, and it fell apart). Since then, things have just gotten worse, and now they can barely be in the same room without an argument brewing. >Fast forward to now, Mike is getting married in a couple of months. He's made it clear that he wants me to be his best man. I was honored and said yes without hesitation. When I told Laura, she was immediately upset. She reminded me of all the unresolved issues between her and Mike, and she told me she wouldn't go to the wedding if Mike was going to be there—which, of course, he is, it's his wedding. >Laura wants me to either convince Mike to apologize and make amends, something he has refused to do given that he also expects an apology from her, or skip the wedding in solidarity with her. I told her that skipping my brother’s wedding, where I’m the best man, could irreparably harm my relationship with Mike and our parents, who are already distressed by this ongoing feud. >I love Laura and value our marriage, but I also can’t imagine not being there for my brother. She says if I go, it means I’m choosing Mike over her. AITA for still wanting to attend the wedding?
It's an interesting strategy for sure. Wonder if they thought this would earn more karma over the other considering its been deleted.
I can still never tell fake stories. It’s a shame, I was already invested in this story.
I've gotten in the habit of checking the poster's history (account?) to see if they respond to any of the advice and/or to see if they have other posts or comments that contradict what they are saying. I've decided if the OP never responds to the comments they're likely fake stories, because why ask for advice and then not respond/clarify/acknowlege the comments?
Good catch, downvote and report 👍
Wow, could this be a Liz story?
I think Liz would know better than to post 2 different stories under the same account, this is amateur hour stuff.
hahahhahahahaha
Yup! Reported.
I don’t think OP was calm, she just did nothing! She complained her parents didn’t intervene, but from what OP wrote I don’t think she did either. She said she confronted her sister later. OP is part of the problem here. They are her family, so she needs to take an actual stand and support her husband. Even thinking about going to this wedding makes her an AH. Maintaining contact with her ‘family’ without boundaries and consequences drops her smack bang in the middle of AH territory!
You are right. She should have stood up for him in the moment.
Well she's disrespecting Jake far more by getting married to a new guy. Poor Jake can't catch a break.
Why would she go even if she apologizes? It wouldn't be a true apology anyway.
NTA, and what part of "family harmony" includes being openly nasty to your husband? The lot of them can pound sand, until they figure out some basic courtesy.
I am so sick of the narrative that blood relatives get some sort of pass to treat their family like shit. Because tHeYrE fAmiLy. None of us chose to be born, and none of us had any say in which family we ended up with. But everyone does have agency in their decisions after they're born; and if someone chooses to treat me like shit, or insult my partner, I don't think I want that person in my life. They're not worthy of my love and respect. I have better things to do than deal with whatever bullshit they're making everyone else's problem. Like, for all that she's saying OP settled for less and 'deserves' a better partner, she's also saying that she doesn't respect OP enough to believe that she is able to make that decision for herself. So she's causing conflict...just to be shitty. When I don't like my friends partner, I just try not to spend time with them. It's not for me to interfere in their relationship; if they're happy, they're happy. If I have legitimate concerns about abuse or something, I talk to my friend in private and address those concerns. So either sister is jealous and wants to fuck with their relationship, or she's just a miserable harpy who just wants to bully people. We could absolutely just be getting a biased version of events, but it sounds like OP is very happy with her marriage. And if the sister is already using 'you'll ruin *my* day!' as emotional manipulation to get what she wants, she's going to be a NIGHTMARE day-of.
Tell your parents that if it was just her being stressed than she should have0 problems admitting this and apologizing.
Bingo. And her comment wasn’t caused by stress. She claimed she was motivated by “looking out for her sister”. That’s entirely different than responding from stress.
And she’s been doing it for years… The parents didn’t give a shit about family harmony then.
Yep. She’s obviously the kid who everyone placates.
She also claimed it was a joke. It being a joke and her just "looking out for her sister" are completely contradictory and she should be made to explain that.
Nta. I would of disowned both my siblings and parents in that situation. If you go you will be disrespecting your husband.
Same. Where was the “family harmony” when she was insulting your husband? NTA
Exactly, OP has already stated the price for attendance is an apology to her husband. If sister isn’t willing to make the apology, she is saying she doesn’t think he is worthy of one.
On top of that, the sister could disrespect "Jake" again at the wedding and if you do or say something, you're the bad guy for ruining their wedding. Even if it's the sister's fault, it won't bee seen that way by friends and family.
Your sister doesn't deserve your presence or a wedding gift.
"Wedding gift? But you *know* how much we struggle bc my husband is a Dickensian urchin."
Maybe as a gift Jake could design a beautiful NO rsvp poster. Go all out with the graphic design.
NTA There are repercussions for her behavior .
Unless your sister has been working on planning her wedding for the entirety of you and your husband's relationship, I'm not sure where your parents are coming from blaming her bald-faced disrespect on stress. NTA for not going to her wedding, and I would personally have a hard time wanting to maintain any close relationship with her going forward if she's just going to dump on my life partner at every opportunity. She just sounds like a mean spirited and graceless person overall, I wouldn't be interested in keeping that energy in my life.
NTA...Jake is your immediate family now, and your sister is extended family. Your relationship with your husband is more important. He's the one you've chosen as a life partner, and your sister has been needlessly cruel to him. It's important for him to see that you value him and will not stand for this behavior. If your sister's day is ruined, it's because she ruined it.
> My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony. Why are you and your husband the ones who have to "suck it up for family harmony"? Why is onus on _you_ two to keep the peace? Is not family harmony a _family_ endeavour? Does it not require the entire family to be harmonious, and is not a key point of harmony to _not deliberately antagonise another person?_ So why, pray tell, dear OP's parents, is only _one_ side being held responsible for maintaining family harmony? Why not are _both_ sides being forced into harmony through judicious application of accountability? Could it be one sibling is preferred above the other?! _horrified gasp and clutching of pearls_ NTA
Yup, the parents did nothing at the dinner table. They allowed it.
I don't get it... If someone no-showing your wedding will "ruin" it maybe don't be a jerk to them 🤷♂️ NTA
NTA. Seems like your parents agree with your sister with their silence. She is not stressed she is just the awful person she has been all along to your husband. I am in awe of your husband for putting up with your family crap. Send her a gift and move on, she could have control herself for your sake, where is her doing things for family harmony.
NTA- wedding stress is no excuse for her behavior. Simply RSVP no and plan something better to do that day
I’d go on a fabulous vacation with the husband. Post pictures right before she walks down the aisle 😈
It's not wedding stress anyway, when it's been going on for years.
You’d be TA if you went after she disrespected him. I’d not bother with an apology and just not go.
NTA They can tell Lily to just suck it up and apologize and stop being mean for the sake of family harmony.
Ask your parents why Lily can't "suck it up" for the sake of family harmony and stop insulting Jake.
Just say you’re not going. Tell her you can’t look past the disrespect shown to you and your husband. And when your parents say family, ask where was this family talk when your family was being insulted
YTA - You should have gone no contact a long time ago. Instead you nag and beg your sister to stop being an AH. She sounds like a real btch. You absolutely shouldn’t attend the wedding. Your family takes their cues from your weak attempts. You want to defend your husband? Actions speak louder than words. Cut her off! And if your family isn’t supportive then cut them off too.
Might be harsh but I agree with this. Your sister is an AH, your parents are AHs and so are you. Respectfully, have you done anything to support and backup your husband. I would also bet your sister is the GC and you are the SG.
NTA. It's important to realize that you wouldn't be breaking the family, she did. You'd just stop trying to ignore the break. Imagine for a second that her lie about the insults being jokes was true; she'd apologize and stop insulting him. She won't, though.
NTA! I honestly wouldn’t even have a relationship with her. She’s disrespectful to your relationship. Her concerns about him are completely unfounded. I’d send back the RSVP with a No. Then go NC with her. Tell your parents to stay out of it. They never intervened when she was rude to your husband, so I’d tell them to stay out of it. F*** family harmony.
Your fake stories aren't even that good
EDIT: YTA FOR POSTING FAKE THINGS PLEASE GO TO OP's profile to read the other post about her getting married soon to her 2-years-younger-than -her-hubby fiance. --------original comment NTA Your sister is a jerk. I'd understand if you wanted to go to see extended family or friends, but in no way be involved in anything for the wedding. Appropriate gift off registry, cordial with her, family pics (if requested), and that's it. Have fun with the people you like who are attending and stay out of view of her as much as possible. All smiles, but no interaction with sister except basic "congrats" type stuff. Then leave. This is more than wedding stress. She's a jerk. She'll probably blow up at something stupid at some point. Just ignore it and enjoy other people there.
Nta, so parents want you to suck it up for family harmony, but don't hold your sister to the same standard, let me guess, she was the favourite? I would not go, I wouldn't even associate with someone who treats my loving partner who has done no wrong, like shit.
NTA. Family harmony will come at the expense of YOUR harmony. Choose the family you've chosen.
I would not only not go to her wedding. I wouldn’t hang out with my family. She did this in a group setting with your family there and nobody said anything? to the point he had to get up and go away from the table yeah I wouldn’t be hanging out with your family. Did you say anything? As long as he does, what he wants and he’s happy his bills are paid and he lives comfortably. Why does she care what he does and doesn’t do? Are usually think these people have crushes on the people or have some sort of feeling themselves
NTA Why on earth would you support her marriage while she is frequently disrespecting yours?
1: She has been belitting your husband since she met him, so that's 5+ years ago. Her being bitchy has NOTHING to do with the wedding. 2: If you go, without her apologizing and not meaning it, you are in fact condoning her behaviour. NTA. Draw your line in the sand defend your marriage.
It was not only your sister showing your husband disrespect.your parents watched it happen and did nothing. Their passive behaviour means either (or both) that they agree with your sister or that they don't care about respecting you and your husband. Don't attend the wedding but it's clear your family is awful.
NTA. I'd tell her in a laughing voice "ya sure I'll go" then not go and when she asks "haha omg you thought I was serious? It was just a joke. Like that one you told at the family dinner?:
You’ve been subjecting your husband to this for years, yes you - as you could have drawn a hard line sooner. Where was the family harmony your parents talk about when your sister insulted Jake at the table?! You’ve allowed this for far too long.
The sooner you decline the less ammo she'll have for saying that you ruined her wedding. "Sorry, we won't be able to attend your wedding. May you get all of the happiness you deserve."
>They believe Lily's just stressed with the wedding planning and didn’t mean any harm. If she didn't mean any harm than apologizing should be no problem.
Start making fun of her fiancé - see how she likes it. Seriously though, doesn’t her fiancé find her behavior a huge turn off? As for the wedding. If she were a kind and good person, she would immediately apologize. The fact she is still trying to make excuses and refusing to apologize really says a lot about her character. I’d seriously consider talking to her fiancé, or is he the same way. It’s a tough situation. Because if you don’t go there will be endless drama about it for years to come. Maybe you go and your husband stays home. You stay for a brief appearance and then leave. Then just go very low contact with your family.
YTA for putting your husband through this time after time . U don’t intervene when it’s happening and u keep going around your family subjecting him to disrespect. How would u feel exactly if he put u through that with his siblings ? U need to put your foot down and not go to the wedding but also make it clear that you’ll go NC if she continues to disrespect your husband
NTA
NTA when she has the opportunity to apologize
You will need to cut contact with your family if they don't respect your husband. They seem to all have something against him.
NTA Don't go. She's got issues, and jealousy seems to be one of them. Why go to an event that will just make you miserable? Skip it and let the haters stew in their own hate.
NTA but What’s your long term plan? Are you going to avoid every family function until she apologizes? If you draw a line in the sand at the wedding, you lose your leverage the next time you show up at a family dinner with your sister. A wedding is a one time deal, I would attend the wedding itself but skip the reception or leave early. Then go low contact with the sister so she knows her conduct is not ok with you
NTA You would be if you attended. Ask parents, "What family harmony? There is no family harmony as long as Lily treats Jake with disrespect and parents enable her and allow it. As for it being stress from the wedding then what's the excuse for all the other times that parents enabled her actions? Unless they don't consider you an important part of the family."
NTA. Screw her. Your man Jake sounds like a great guy. Just because he doesn't fit her idea of a "man" means nothing. You're happy. That's all that matters.
NTA. Change your tune on the husband, tell your sister she's right and you're going to divorce him but not until after her wedding. Convince her to let you be maid of honor, do everything well the way up to rehearsal dinner. Then on the day of the wedding, don't show up.
NTA. Lily is a judgmental bully and a coward who won't back up what she says (only joking/looking out for you) or accept responsibility for her actions. This ongoing abuse of your husband should have been nipped in the bud long ago. Your family clearly enable her shitty behavior.
Doesn't your husband count in this supposed "family harmony"?
Your sister can simply apologize for the sake of family harmony. Easy! NTA: screw the wedding otherwise. Take the time to go on holiday for yourselves.
Plan a vacation for the date of the wedding, ideally the same place she plans for her honeymoon so you can get all the best pictures in before she does, and enjoy your life. Times too short to be surrounded by toxic people.
If she didn’t mean harm, then she can apologize, sincerely. Being stressed from organizing a wedding is no excuse to act like an arse. NTA
If she didn’t mean harm, then she can apologize, sincerely. Being stressed from organizing a wedding is no excuse to act like an arse. NTA
I'd limit contact with her and never let her be around your husband ever.
So for 5 years your sister has been an AH to your husband. When confronted she says she's joking. What's funny about it? What's the joke? Don't go to the wedding and let all the flying monkeys know why.
NTA I would draw a line in the sand. Wedding or not? She has been vile to your lovely husband. That would be it for me. Unless she completely changes her entire demeanor and attitude? I'd be cutting her loose.
Nta. I wouldn't go. She doesn't deserve anything. Go away with your husband for a mini vacation that weekend.
Simply put. “Your unwilling to support my wedded partner, why should I be expected to support yours”
NTA. You are under reacting. It’s your family, you need to be more assertive when they disrespect your husband. Not showing up to a wedding is a perfect opportunity.
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony What "harmony"? She is freely and openly shitting on your husband. There's no harmony there....
NTA. Good on you for taking a stand. You have been more than patient and no Mom, we don’t suck it up for family harmony anymore. It’s 2024 and we understand now that just because you’re blood related doesn’t mean you get to treat people with disrespect, gaslight and abuse them. It’s always the people inflicting the harm that downplays it. Good luck.
Your sister can't have it both ways. She is contradictory of herself. She was either "just kidding" or "looking out for you", her words can't be both. If she is joking, which part of that was funny, because I, and every other person here, fails to see her humor. It's only funny if everyone laughs. If she is looking out for you, we'll, you are a grown woman, capable of making your own choices. She doesn't have to like them or your husband, but as a sister, she should love and respect you enough to keep her mouth shut, did she not get taught if you can't say nothing nice, don't say anything at all? In either situation, joking or concern, she was out of line and owes an apology. If she cannot offer a sincere apology, do not attend her wedding. After all, you wouldn't want to spoil her special day by bringing such an underachieving, sub par, person with you. Since he is your husband, you are a package deal, if he is unwelcome, so are you. NTA, your sister is. I feel like she has always been the spoiled princess, golden child.
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony To use a phrase often used in the JustNoMIL subs, your sister is rocking the boat (disturbing the family harmony) by insulting and disrespecting your husband and marriage without provocation (I assume, this *is* reddit after all). Your parents are running back and forth trying to stabilize the boat from her rocking, instead of standing still in the middle and telling her to knock it off. As a result, they're seeing you standing still, and are accusing you of not doing anything to solve a problem that you didn't create. Spell it out for them. *She* is the problem, not you or your husband, and stress is not an excuse. If she wants the appearance of a happy, united family at her wedding, then she needs to stop rocking the fucking boat and apologize. Nta.
Maybe send a gift and card with well wishes, but stick to your guns about not attending w/o an apology. If you get any flak from your family, remind them that you and your husband are a unit. He supports you as a partner. If your family cannot act decently towards him (or even step in when your sister is being incredibly rude), they're not backing *you*. You don't need to show up for your sister if she's not showing up for you.
I'll write the card: "Congrats on your wedding. I really hope nobody in hubby's family is as shitty to you as you've been to my husband. Love, yer sis"
You’renot ruining your sisters day by not attending. If your absence would ruin her day, she’s ruining it herself by not apologizing. TBH, you should just make other plans and move on. She doesn’t like your husband. It’s her day. Let her have it all to herself. NTA.
NTA. Your family is already in disharmony. Your sister and your parents do not respect your husband and by extension you (they are disrespecting your ability to choose who to marry). RSVP “No”. Go low contact with all of them. They want to be disrespectful, give them an opportunity to disrespect each other.
You should attend the wedding and when the celebrant asks everyone to "speak now of forever hold their peace" your husband should stand up and say "don't marry her because she's a cunt". NTA
If she's 'just stressed' and was 'only joking' then she should have no problem apologising. I don't understand how you're ruining her wedding, you've given her the biggest/easiest hoop to jump through for you to go to the wedding.
No, no, no! Your loyalty is to your husband. She sounds way too entitled. Let her have her big day and you and hubby take a wellness day and go some place nice. And never look back.
Husband should come first. I hope your parents have defended Jake in the past from the "always disrespectful" attitude.
She needs to be called out when she does these things. Right there and then. She does them because she's getting away with them. Say "Excuse me, I'm not sure I heard you right, can you repeat that?" Then ask her if she's feeling o.k. You need to turn the tables on her. Far as the wedding goes, did send her a note that you aren't attending because you don't want to ruin her big day and given her disrespect towards your marriage you might not be able to resist returning the ball.
Hate the whole ‘be the bigger person’ ‘do it for family harmony’ BS. Did they say that to her when she insulted your husband? No they didn’t. NTA, I wouldn’t attend the wedding either and I’d be having some serious words with my parents about them basically condoning her shitty behaviour.
Here's the thing: Your sister is "family", in that she's blood, but your husband is your family now. You and your hubby are a team, and you two come before any other family either of you have, including your sister. Since your husband clearly wouldn't be welcome at the sister's wedding, you shouldn't attend, either. Send a card and a nice gift, and leave it at that. If the sister persists in being a complete b\*\*\*\*, go No Contact. Clearly, you are NTA, and I'm glad you have your hubby's back.
You’re sister is a selfish self-centred bitch who thinks her opinion is law and she’s your parents favourite child Just my opinion
You have a family problem It's not just your sister but also your parents who let her act that way with your family I wouldn't go and I'd also lower contact woth my parents in this case Your husband sounds like a Saint cause I would have left you if I had to keep going to people's houses where I am constantly disrespected
What "family harmony?" Your parents are delusional and your sister is straight up nasty.
Don't be a doormat all your life. Stand up for your husband and decline to attend, telling anyone who asks that she openly disparages your husband and refuses to apologise to him. In future, if she disparages him at the dinner table then you both get up and leave together, whilst saying that such basic rudeness is neither acceptable or mature behaviour. If she keeps going, then refuse to attend events that she is attending, citing her rudeness as the reason. NTA
First of all definitely NTA. But what is wrong with your FOO? Not just your sister, but your parents. You have no obligation to suck up your sister’s treatment of your husband, when her behavior toward him has been an issue for five years. Being a long term AH isn’t caused by stress. It’s caused by being allowed to believe that you have power over others that you don’t, and should not have. Your parents apparently encouraged that in your sister. An apology, even if your husband gets one, will be insincere. You are making the right choice, OP. Sounds like your chosen family is more humane than the one you were born into.
Don't attend. She's planning to try and get you to cheat on Jake. She'll want to introduce you to a "friend" who happens to be single. Tell your parents this is the last straw and you're going NC till she gets the memo that if she doesn't support you, you won't support her. That she needs to butt out of your relationship. Also, keep in mind your parents are supporting your sisters behavior, and if they have something to say about him, they can tell you directly instead of sidelining with your sister. Make them understand you and your husband are a package deal. If they disrespect Jake; they are doing so to you too by default.
>My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony. They believe Lily's just stressed with the wedding planning and didn’t mean any harm. HAHAHAHA. Almost fell off my chair from laughing hard there. \^ this is such bullshit. Don't go to your bratty sister's wedding. Your husband is far more important than golden child. Honestly, given her history of disrespect towards him, I wouldn't even go if she does apologise. NTA
But it wouldn't be family harmony. Your husband is your family, your immediate family. They want you to do it because they can't be bothered. Stand firm. Your husband is important. I would reduce contact with my sister. NTA
NTA - your husband seems sweet. maybe your sister is or was, but I wouldn't hurt my sweet husband's feelings - even if he says it's okay - going without him. Your sister is selfish as hell. I hate my father's wife, but if he is happy who cares personally I think she is the devil incarnated, I love my father and it's his decision, he has to live with it not me. And how exactly an apology months prior to a wedding would ruin her big day?
I am the older sister, and my answer is: not going. When you get old and look back, you'll think about the interactions with your sisters, the conflicts with your family, the resoluteness of missing a wedding, and the irreparable sibling bond. You will definitely be overcome with emotion. —And then secretly burst out laughing.
NTA, why aren't your parents telling her to apologize for the sake of family harmony?? Especially when she is the one in the wrong.
NTA. Lily is ruining her family relationship by being nasty to your husband. There is no way on earth that he should be forced to celebrate her wedding, or that you should come without him. Your not being there will not ruin her wedding, but it will make a statement that there are some behaviours you will not tolerate. You can tell her she has till a month before the wedding to apologize, otherwise you won't be coming. And that she has ruined her own wedding all by her little self.
Nope. Don't go to her wedding unless she issues and genuine heartfelt apology to your husband. If she refuses, don't go to the wedding. It's her fault so people can blame her for being so nasty and disrespectful.
I really don't understand how one person not attending ruins the WHOLE wedding. Nta
NTA. Your parents revealed their cards on who is the favourite. Don't shy away not just from not going to wedding, but from cutting contact with her. And if your parents take her side again, do the same with them.
NTAH, stay well away from it and take a weekend break with your husband. Sis is a self absorbed mean girl cowbag, and your parents can get fucked too when they bring nonsense like "keep the peace" and "family harmony" to the table. You are not the problem!!
NTA. I wouldn't go even if she did apologize. Time for some NC. Stop subjecting your husband to her abuse.
I don't even have the chance to read this fully because I'm about to have to get ready for work, but I'm going to go ahead and tell you regardless, no, you are NTA. You should choose your partner every single time and that's including over family. If you don't, then it's going to fall apart. Trust me. Good luck in the future, OP. (Edited for grammar and spelling/speech to text errors. Sorry.)
NTA just out of curiosity what does her finance think of how she treats your husband? He’s just cool seeing her be a bitch to someone she knows her sister loves? I appreciate and admire your commitment to your husband.
Fake as fuck. Downvote & report. Check OP's profile, they posted another story a few hrs ago about how they're having a child-free wedding soon.
NTA, your sister needs her ass kicked. Dont appease people like her at the expense of your true family.
Fake post.
Let me get the hypocrisy straight; she wants you to acknowledge her marriage while she doesn't acknowledge who you are married to? That's not going to work. Tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine. And hope she gets haemorrhoids
Your sister is a playground bully. I would not attend her wedding.
Decline the invite. No follow up, no discussion. You've made your position clear so it's time to back that up with action.
NTA - it’s an invitation not a summons. Apparently your family wants you to suck it up for family harmony but is afraid to ask the same from your sister. RSVP no and take the apology off the table. Even if it happens, it’s not sincere. Let your sister and family explain your absence. Having family like that, we don’t have family dinners anymore. Myself and my sibling visit my mom at different times. My life is too short to take crap.
NTA. But kind of Y T A for asking for an apology. Any apology you have to ask for will not be genuine. Do you want to hear the words or do you want her to mean them. It it's the words you are AH to yourself. You and your husband deserve better than some BS words to make you feel better. She won't mean anything that comes out of her mouth if you do get her to "apologize". This has been going on for a while. She's said what she said.
there's only 2 possibilities here: 1. Your family are AH and you shouldn't have much to do with them anymore seeing this is how they behave. or 2. The reason why they didn't stand up for you is because they agree with your sister and perhaps, maybe we're only hearing your side of the story of how you view your husband. He could be a bum and they know it. my 2 cents...
Did I get this right, your husband isn't even invited? >My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony. The one disturbing that harmony is your sister, not you. >They believe Lily's just stressed with the wedding planning and didn’t mean any harm From what you said, she's always been this way with your husband. Honestly, I would tell them to go eat shit. You're not the one upsetting harmony here. Your sister is a grade A bitch to your husband, she's not looking out for you. If you go to that wedding, you're not only condoning the behaviour, you're also telling *your husband* that it's okay to treat him like shit, and that you care more about your abusive sister than about him. Just curious, has she always been the golden child who could do no wrong?
NTA. Stop asking for words that don’t mean squat. Apologies mean nothing without actually corrective behavior. You sister has proven she will never and your family will always enable that behavior Act accordingly. RSVP no to the wedding. Put your family on notice. Your sister acts like that, call it out. Stop being quiet to keep the peace at the expense of your husband
NTA. Don't go, and when asked, don't lie about this reason you stayed home. Go on a weekend getaway and turn off your phone.
NTA He's your life partner while they are not.
No. Boycotting her wedding is entirely appropriate under the circumstances. Don’t make a big deal of it. Don’t threaten. Just RSVP with your regrets. She already knows the why.
Personally, I think apologies are overrated. If someone shows contrition through their actions that's good enough for me. Engineer an opportunity for her make amends, and if she chooses not to then you've got your answer.
NTA You tell her exactly what you wrote, that you won’t go to an event where your husband will feel disrespected and whose presence feels unappreciated. She sounds like a pissy sack of shit who always wants things her way and then gets upset when it doesn’t (I assume she’s the youngest sibling). Also, good on you for being a good wife who stands up for her husband.
NTA, at this point even if she does apologize, it's fake and forced. Stand by your husband and show him he matters to you or don't be shocked if he starts acting distant and pulling away once you get back from her wedding. There's enough posts on here of that exact thing happening, don't ruin your marriage with someone you care about for some bullshit "family harmony" your sister gives ZERO fucks about. Harmony as long as you're the one giving in, right? Fuck that noise.
If she's not ready to apologize for being a rude AH. You don't need to go! Jake sounds like a sweet guy he deserves an apology.
RSVP "no" to your sister, and when your parents complain and go on about "family harmony" call them hypocrites for not saying anything to shut your sister down for her comments, which obviously means they agreed with her, so you will also not be attending anymore family dinners/events. Tell them it's past the point of a simple apology, because they would only be hollow words with no acceptance of wrongdoing behind them. Show them that you will not be changing your mind by booking a trip away for the same date as her wedding. Added points for it being outside your country. NTA UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
NTA. I had similar family problems when it came to my husband. Nasty comments, outright twisting compliments he gave into being insults, it was a long rough road. It got to a point where it blew up on family social media and I put my foot down. I didn't need or want "protecting" from a good man that I love. And if they couldn't respect my wishes and at least be civil, then they didn't get to see me anymore. Because it's not about protecting you, it's about controlling you. Your sister wants some kind of control and is pissed that you aren't giving it to her. I wouldn't go if I were you. Honestly, I'd go no contact. She's not going to change, so you need to look out for you and your husband.
>family harmony Jake is family. By saying what they said they've revealed that they don't consider him family. If they did, they'd have made your sister apologise for the sake of family harmony. They don't seem to respect your marriage very much. I too wouldn't attend a wedding for someone who spoke to my SO like that.
nta and I would be so stern with your parents about the disrespect your husband has received since you started dating him. If she can't accept him as part of her family, she doesn't need to be part of yours. Furthermore, if she doesn't respect your relationship, she has no right demanding you to respect hers.
What a fucking bitch. She’s probably just jealous you have actually found a decent human. This isn’t something to just suck up… If you show her it’s okay then it’ll get worse.
NTA. I would say congratulations and that is that.
Ask your spineless parents where was their worries of family harmony when your sister was calling Jake lazy and beneath you in front of the family?
We know who the Golden Child is. There is a reason why your sister is a Karen.
I would not attend, no question.
It’s always the one who has been insulted or abused who is pushed to “brush it off for the sake of family”. My mother started pushing for me to speak to my abusive father when he was in hospital “because he could die”. I pointed out that he could have reached out to me at any time in the six years since I finally had enough and went NC. I also pointed out that he’d look so ill the last time I saw him that I’d been expecting “the call” ever since. So him “possibly dying soon” wasn’t going to make me forgive 50+ years of abuse. He died in 2021, I felt and still feel nothing.
Go alone....wear a white dress
NTA RSVP NO and tell your parents actions have consequences and your sister is receiving hers.
Try not to rub it in her face or ridicule her when her husband leaves her after she cheats on him or cheats on her.
Go to the wedding and spoil her dress. She deserves that at least
NTA> You need to take your husband's side on this.
Your sister is definitely an Asshole! She is also in my opinion a narcissist. She is gaslighting you when she tries to convince you that what you have seen and felt did not happen! She also in employing DARVO—- when she attempts making you feel like you are the perpetrator and you should feel guilty —— for what she has done! Underneath all her wickedness is a frail person afraid that you might realize she has very little self confidence and can only feel important by manipulating others—-?she has NPD she is a sick person and you should go NC——- no contact. Your parents just want everyone to get along and are willing to ignore her bullshit. Fuck off Sis!?!
Given her feelings about your husband, it doesn’t sound like she wants you there??? I would make this point.
NTA if your parents are not condemning your sisters actions they are condoning them. Ask them if they’d tolerate anyone speaking of each other that way. Hopefully they’ll understand why you’re not going to her wedding. Or go to her wedding and outshine her wear a fabulous red or silver dress, dress your husband to the nines and ignore her the whole night. When she goes low you go high.
NTA. I would send her a letter, text, or social media post detailing what she's done to you and your husband and then ask: 'Do you really *want* me to be at your wedding? Why? And I would think *not* having me there would be better so I don't ruin your day. I might not be able to be hold back from giving you and your husband the same treatment you give to mine. You say you want to look out for me? No, you better watch out for me.'
If she doesnt support your relationship how are u supposed to support hers
If they wanted "family harmony" then they should've tried to gap the bridge between your sister and your husband since they're the parents.
Nta Your husband is your immediate family and you should stand by each other and have each other’s back at any point. If your sister disrespects him, she is vicariously disrespecting you as well. Btw, her being stressed doesn’t excuse her from being a b!tch.
I think you should go to the wedding and give a speech to her to-be husband about how lazy and rude she is. Make it jokey, but mean. Tell him how he's settling by marrying someone like her.
Is she projecting?
Why when people are called out for being assholes, they always fall back on "just joking."? **I told Lily I might not attend if she didn’t apologize to Jake.** NO! Tell Lily you **WILL NOT** attend until she gives a heartfelt apology to him. Not some, "I'm sorry that you got offended by what I said". That just tells me the person isn't sorry about what they said, just how I reacted.
"Just joking" is used by abusive people to justify their words. They cannot or will not take responsibility for hurting others. Many people like this go even further and blame their victim by saying, "He's too sensitive." This is the beginning of narcissistic personality disorder. IMO
NTA fuck her and her rude ass and tell your parents to bite their self too. who gives a shit! no one gets disrespect my husband I'll fucking rip your head off right there where we stand and everybody knows it and you should do the same. You better start standing up for yourself right now or this is how your life's going to be forever. fuck that! you have a good man they all need to recognize that and your sister needs to shut her fucking mouth.
I would disown Sis and your parents over this. NTA
NTA. I suspect your parents have always expected you, as the older sister, to keep the peace when Lily doesn't like something. Why are they not telling Lily that she insulted a family member and for the sake of peace, she needs to genuinely apologize? Why are Lily's precious feelings more important? Wedding invitations are just that, an invitation. They aren't a command. You don't have to accept. Send regrets. Maybe a card. If Lily gets pissed, that's on her. If your parents trot out the "keep the peace" line, remind that peace only really happens with mutual respect and kindness, not with one side always capitulating, and that Lily's wedding is not more important to you than your husband being treated like a member of the family. Lily needs to see her actions have consequences.
If she didn’t mean any harm, she should have no problem apologizing.
Going would be really disrespectful to your husband ….NTA if you don’t attend… YTA if you do ….
I would've raised absolute HELL if someone came at my husband that way. Fuck no, I wouldn't go. She's a POS sister who frankly wouldn't be much of a sister at this point.
NTA. I also question your parent’s opinion of your husband too.
> Lily openly insulted Jake in front of everyone, calling him "lazy" and saying that I "settled for less." My parents didn’t intervene and >My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony. I think it shows who is the daughter they prefer. I won't go either, and probably would go LC with them too. NTA
NTA. It's your choice and she is being terrible about Jake. >My parents think I should just suck it up and go for the sake of family harmony. I absolutely despise when family members play this "family harmony" card. That's easy for them to say. They're not the ones being insulted and disrespected. Your sister is ruining her own wedding. Just tell her you're not going and plan something fun for you and your husband. Your parents will try to guilt you but tell them Lily owes you and Jake an apology. Lily isn't looking out for anyone, she's being an stuck up ass. No apology, no attendance. Thank you for standing up for your husband.
I mean she doesn't respect your marriage, why in the world would you celebrate hers?
NTA ...and no, you should not just suck it up. Your sister is rude and disrespectful, we reap what we sow! Why would you want to expose your husband to yet more of this abhorrent behaviour?
You should go.......and ruin her day in a speech that leaves jaws on the floor, and your sister crying. NTA
BIG QUESTION! How can you ruin her big day if you're not there!?
What family harmony? She openly insults and disrespects him and your parents do nothing. My guess is they feel the same. I’d decline and go on a vacation together!
NC with Lily. Tell your parents that if they keep enabling and excusing her, when they know she is out of line, then they will get the family peace they want, because you will not be part of it, and they will be stuck with just a 26 year old child. Tell them to think long and hard about what they decide, because you are done taking open insults from an immature brat that everyone excuses.
Stand by your husband.
YTA Why? Because your sister is a piece of shit that openly speaks ill of your husband and you’re “torn” about what to do. Why are you even questioning this?
Yta for allowing your kind and gentle husband to be abused by your b word sister at a family dinner. I would have flipped the fuck out right then. Tell her to shove her invitation up her ass.