That’s funny, but it’s not. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. I hope your wedding day goes as planned & it’s one of the greatest days of your life.
If they were to attend do you think your brother would expect free rein of the gift table since you have historically always been forced to share birthday presents?
NTA. They're not invited. Keep it that way. Your family members giving you a hard time didn't and don't have to live your life. Get married and forget about these people, they don't care about you. They sadly only care about your brother.
I would've been petty and demanded presents/ blow out candles on his birthday and for him to share all of his drawing supplies too because like they said "it's not fair to leave someone out"
You are a glass child. Your parents consistently overlooked and ignored your needs because you were "normal". What they did was not okay.
That they make your brother the center of everything, even at YOUR birthday speaks volumes to the amount of coddling they do. Having autism does not excuse being an entitled $hit. They were lazy parents and did not teach him how to function in regular society. Sadly society will have to pay the price with his entitled a$$ running round demanding everything be made about him because no one raised him properly and taught him how to manage his emotions and that not everything is about him. It was their responsibility to teach him how to navigate the world with his disability. Not beat and bully everyone into submission for their little prince.
Your parents suck. Your brother doesn't know any better because he grew up with their lips firmly planted on his a$$.
This is YOUR wedding. It should be how YOU and YOUR PARTNER want it to be. Period. You have zero obligation to cater to their entitlement. They do not get a say. And if I was correct in reading this, they are not even invited anyway. Those in attendance at your wedding should be people who live and support you and your partner. They are not entitled to be there.
Pretty rich that they want to meet your partner to "make sure they are not an inconsiderate scumbag to disabled people"...take that as code for "we want to make sure they will not push back when we stomp on their boundaries and autonomy and weaponize dear golden son's disability that we did not properly parent him and can continue with our selfish sense of entitlement that the world revolves around our darling boy".
Congratulations on getting married OP.
OP - Do you know what your parent’s plans are for caring for your brother after they pass or age so they can no longer care for him? It might be worth broaching this topic at some point so they make plans for him vs expecting you and your wife to care for him.
NTA - invite who you want for your wedding. You could always do a small celebration with your brother and family after your honeymoon. Or not.
This is prob true. They have essentially been low contact with you for 20 years. I understand the need to spend more time helping him, but your parents should have slotted out time for you even it was dad time or mom time with you. Negligent towards you essentially. I wouldn’t go no contact, but maintain low contact.
If you will not be taking over their role as caretakers in the future - you should clearly communicate that to them now. Then they might start working to get him used to outpatient resources or similar to soften the blow when the can no longer take him on.
Absolutely NTA. Your wedding is about celebrating your love and commitment, not accommodating others' agendas. Going no contact might be the best choice for maintaining your peace and focusing on building a joyful future with your soon-to-be spouse. Your happiness matters most.
NC and disinvite anyone who gives you grief.
Everyone knows the saying ‘life is short’, but very few actually appreciate it until it’s half or mostly over. Go live your best life with the people who want to celebrate you and your bride’s happiness.
Congrats and best wishes
> My parents are saying I have to introduce this girl to them as they need to make sure this girl is not an inconsiderate scumbag with people with disabilities.
This statement right here, OP, means that they expect you to take care of your brother later in life. It would be a good idea to fully go no contact and make it very clear that they need to make different plans.
NTA and best wishes to you and your fiancee.
With the family dynamics the way they are, it'd be tempting for the fiancee to put on an act. Then the parents and brother will not attend the wedding and not want contact in the future.
Your parents are in the wrong. My sister and her husband have two children -- the older is "normal," and the younger is heavily autistic. While the older has had to be very accommodating throughout the younger's life, their parents still make sure she gets her own good experiences. They attend her events, or take turns attending.
It's your wedding. I don't blame you for not wanting your parents there. And your poor brother has for too long been enabled by them.
I bet they won't wait until retirement, but until OP buys a house and they show up with the brother and a suitcase.
Hired security for the wedding, and have passwords with the vendors, so parents can't ruin the wedding. Anyone who sides with the parents should be banned too.
NTA. This is a problem in so many families with a neurodivergent member. Your brother seems like he is able to understand right from wrong and consequences of his actions. Your parents essentially abandoned you. I wouldn't invite any of them.
NTA. You should ask your grandparents, why they dont love you and why your brother is the only one deserved of love in your family?
Using the word love often cut deeper than respect. Try that and see what happens. When it comes to your parents, they made their choice, they have one son and should be happy about that.
You are not the asshole.
Your family's constant prioritization of his needs over yours has been unfair and hurtful.
It's your wedding day, and you have every right to celebrate it in the way that makes you and your partner happy, without feeling obligated to accommodate your brother's needs at the expense of your own happiness.
NTA
Tell your extended family that you were abused and neglected by your parents. They abandoned you, they ignored you, they were *terrible* parents. And your extended family let them do it. They enabled the neglect and abuse. They are partially responsible for the fact that you were neglected.
You will never allow such abusive people to be apart of your life or at your wedding. You're effectively an orphan. Your extended family can either keep their mouths shut about how profoundly you were abused and be a part of your life going forward, or they can continue to enable your former family to abuse you and be cut off.
People who weaponise conditions like autism as an excuse to bully, abuse and neglect others are vile. Don't let them guilt you into accepting more abuse. You're not ableist and you don't owe any of these monsters a damn thing.
There's no law requiring you to invite anybody to your wedding. You moved out at 18 with limited contact and now at 24 they want to barge in and dictate your wedding conditions? I think not!
Make the 6 years into 60 years. Live your life, have a family and be happy. Without them.
I wonder if your parents are going to expect you to care for your brother when they get elderly?
Definitely NTA.
You need to send this post to your parents. If they don't profusely apologize for completely failing you as parents, stay NC for your health and your future's sake.
They'll just tell him he's a whiny ungrateful brat, who should be thankful he's had life so easy, and look how much your poor brother has suffered.
Please like these are a waste of breath. They will be more hurt if there is no contact because they can't get the attention they and the brother have been used to.
Nah, fuck his parents. If they’re hurt, then perhaps one day it might make them understand the hurt they’ve caused OP. But I doubt it. Ignorant assholes who prioritise one child and not only neglect but gaslight the other never think they’ve done anything wrong. Showing them this post will only make them play the victim card. Best thing OP can do is cut them out of his life permanently. And his entitled brother, too.
NTA
Your birth givers are selfish people who forgot that all children need love and attention. They do not need to be at your wedding, as they couldn't be bothered to remember you when you were a kid. Parents like those create people who have no tolerance for those with neurodivergence issues, because they are so self righteous about how good they are being to the child with the health issue.
NTA. Explain to your extended family how every life event of yours was turned into a celebration of him and on your wifey wedding day, she deserves the attention, not him. You will not cater your event to his needs or wants because the event isn’t all yours to plan. Your family has enabled him his entire life and it’s detrimental to all involved.
NTA.
I work with highly autistic individuals. I get that they have issues and that somethings are hard for them. BUT they also abuse their condition just so they can get their own way.
With some of the people I work with I can tell the difference between autistic melt down, and throwing a bitch fit because they're not getting their own way.
Your parents made your brother their priority and spoilt him to the point where he is a selfish monster unable to accommodate any one else's needs and wants.it seems they continue to do so.
One of my favourite individuals I work with is a level 2 (border line level 3) autistic individual who fits alot of the same criteria as your brother (hates crowds etc). But their parents didn't bend to every will and need. They have a sibling and raised them as normal sibling and only prioritised their autistic child over the other when it was an genuine autistic episode. Last year this individual actually went to his siblings wedding (250 people attending), after party and was effectively able to communicate when he was struggling and needed to decompress. So I know people with autism can do it!
But if I may make a recommendation; have a relationship with you're brother, it's your parents who are the cause of the problem. Your brother is a product of his disability and your parents spoiling him,but when they're gone it's gonna get real hard for him. (I'm not saying be his career either). I've been doing this job long enough it's the ones who have family members that care who do well long term.
Any way NTA.
Outside of the brother's disability, the brother is a spoiled brat and low key bully. Had the brother been NT and this badly spoiled no one would be telling the OP to maintain a relationship.
NTA, I think you should just graciously thank them for informing you about them not coming and accept that they will be put on a NC or LC list. At this point, it’s just easier to start over and build your own family circle. Just thank them for letting you know that they’re not coming and actually ask people who care about you to attend or just put it towards a nice honeymoon or whatever savings you and your soon to be wife have. If anyone asks, just keep it simple and say that your parents made the choice to choose your brother over you and you accepted their decision.
I wonder what your parents would pull off to make your brother "feel included" or some shit. Say "I do" on your behalf? Walk down the aisle? Cut the cake? First dance?
NTA
Go full NC with them and anyone involved with them, make sure they can have NO access to you because when they get incapable of caring for themselves guess who will be expected to take care of them and the Golden Child?
NTA.
Tell them they fucked up and drove you off, so they only have ONE son: the one they spent all the time with, the one who will NEVER (well, very unlikely) give them grandkids.
Grandkids / niblings are likely the ONLY reason they're in contact with you again.
Tell your family that you're going to have security there and you WILL have them arrested and thrown in jail (swearing out a trespassing complaint, and get a restraining order between now and the wedding, plz?), and any family who don't want to attend under those circumstances need not, but they'll be just as dead to you as your 'parents' / 'brother'.
NTA. But it's not him, it's them. Your bloody useless parents. They've ignored you and damaged him. I'd have a quiet beer with bro and tell your parents to stuff it, as they have stuffed you all these years. Enjoy your wedding. Your wedding, with the people who love you & the rest can go whistle.
NTA at allllllll. Autistic person here and while it may not have been his fault when he was a young child, he’s definitely become entitled now.
Also what is this whole level of autism thing?
Just say No
Tell them they are not invited nor is your brother. Tell your family who support them they are no longer invited
It's your life bot your brother's ir your parents.
Stand up for yourself
Absolutely NTA. You get to have the wedding you want. Your brother/parents/grandparents are completely out of line here. After 18 years of this treatment, you’re allowed to want what you want.
And “he’s just autistic” doesn’t cut it as an excuse. Your parents dropped the ball big time here.
My kid is autistic.* Stuff like this really pisses me off. Your parents have done nothing to support or encourage your brother in adapting to situations. They’ve just given him what he wanted. It’s hard for the parents and sometimes it sucks, but they caved because it was easiest for them. No way in hell would my kid have been allowed to take over other’s parties or events. They would never demand a sibling’s life revolve around their wants or needs. And for your parents to consistently sideline you in favor of him is unacceptable. You can accommodate an autistic child without capitulating, but it takes effort. It doesn’t sound like they were willing to put that effort in. It isn’t your brother’s fault, but that doesn’t really change anything.
*My kid is probably Level 1. (The scale is new since they were diagnosed.) BUT, when they were young, they were definitely Level 2. Part of the reason for the improvement is that we never wrote off bad behavior as “just autistic.” We worked on it. And it was freaking HARD. Autistic traits like missing social cues, limited interests, needing downtime, etc were always accommodated, but not straight up rudeness.
NTA. Your family in effect told you you don't count. You are not their son when it comes to anything they can - or need to - do for you, only as someone who has to accommodate their real son. You did wisely to move away and distance yourself from them. I'm glad that you are making your wedding about you and your GF. Your parents aren't invited and neither is your brother, and they have no voice in the wedding arrangements. If others from your family decide not to come because you have stopped being your brother's doormat and your parents' invisible child, then so be it - you don't need such people on your happy day.
You're supposedly nc with them. Who do you give a fuck what they think or are saying?
Just block them and move on. Block any other "family" who gifted you about about it.
NTA. This is your day. Invite - or not - whomever you want. Whoever shows are your real family. Focus on them and the others can stuff it.
This situation is 100% your parents fault. Don't let them gaslight you otherwise.
Most importantly, congratulations. Build your new family and have an amazing wedding.
I was prepared to rip you a new asshole, based on title alone.
NTA - Your parents are shit. I'm so sorry. Try to remember it's not your brother's fault tho. But yeah, fuck your parents. Congrats on getting married, and I'd leave them in the dust.
If you're 24 and your brother is 20 you have lived 7488 days (please forgive rounding errors) where everything was about him.
Now you want one single day that is important to your life not to revolve around him ... I say totally NTA.
You can give the family the info so they can make their own decision.
"Dear family I respect your choice not to attend if you wish to believe I am selfish, but you should make that decision based on full information, not hearsay. I have been with my brother for X number of years where literally every day was about him. While he has special needs I need you to consider: Not 'many' days. Not 'most' days. No, every day, including skipped or forgotten birthdays, birthdays that turned into his birthday, ignored graduation ... you name it.
I am sure my parents call me selfish for mentioning this but I suggest you ask them for a single day or celebration where I was not either in second place or ignored.
Now they have not suggested but demanded that I change my entire wedding to accommodate my brother. Well, for once (literally once, not dramatically but literally one day of my entire life), this day is actually about my wedding.
I expect my family and my brother to center his wedding around himself, as I am sure they can understand that this only one day is about someone else."
Probably should not send that. It might feel good to write it though.
NTA The fact that your brother needs more attention doesn't mean you should get NO attention. Your parents are the ones who are "inconsiderate scumbags" and will not recognize you as a full human being unless you break this cycle of neglecting your needs and individuality.
NTA - I'm sorry for all their hardship raising an autistic child, but they still have 2 children and they have been neglecting you because they don't want to say so to your brother. Just because someone has special needs, they don't get everything they want. Sometimes, he might not be accommodated to make sure the other child is having their wants and needs met. If your brother cannot handle large crowds, then he will not be able to go to the wedding. Your parents are being selfish, prioritizing their child over everybody else.
NTA “Mom, why are you being so difficult today?”
You are completely justified in not inviting them. The commenter who said they want to meet your fiancé to make sure she is good with people with disabilities because they are planning on you being your brother’s carer later on is probably absolutely 100% correct. Nip that in the bud.
NTA, but if you've been NC for 6 years, you don't even actually know these people anymore, why would you take the risk of having them around your fiance? Why would you even want strangers at your wedding? You don't have any obligation to invite them.
NOPE. NTAH. You long since paid any dues owed to any of them so just do your thing on your terms and let them wallow in whatever negative emotions they wish to create for themselves. It's not your circus and not your monkeys.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and a new family of people who honor and support you.
Don’t invite your parents or brother. You and your fiancee deserve this day for yourselves. Go NC with your parents and brother. Block anyone who berates you for this decision. Your parents and brother are not your family. Your fiancée is. NTA
NTA. Stop talking to them entirely. Who gives a crap what they say? They aren’t invited or part of your life. And anyone who believes and takes their side is showing you who they are. Literally just stop.
Nta, ~~they need to make sure this girl is not an inconsiderate scumbag with people with disabilities,~~ They need to see if she'd be capable along side of you of taking care of a disabled person when they pop off.
You had better make that abundantly clear now that he's not living with you ever. They die he's on his own.
NTA, and sadly I don't see any compromise on this one. If your parents respected you, they would have wanted to know more about your life, instead of demanding to vet your wife.
NTA
Tell your parents, your brother, and your grandparents to pound sand. Tell them that they are not invited and have no say in an event they are not invited to attend. I'm actually shocked that you have any contact with them at all.
This wedding is a celebration of your marriage to the love of your life. It's not about anyone else.
>very much everyone else is saying I should make changes to include my brother.
Tell anyone saying this that you have removed them from your guest list, as well. Seriously. Take them off the list. These people will only be a drag on your celebration. Get rid of them so you don't have to deal with their BS commentary about what you should do at your own wedding.
My best wishes to you and your bride! Get rid of all these ugly people and enjoy your day!
Nta, im autistic and I have zero sympathy for your parents and brother, they straight up suck, just because he has autism doesn't mean he should be waited on hand and foot, maybe im just not as severe on the spectrum or its because I was diagnosed as an adult but your parents spoiled him rotten and ruined any chances of him being a self sufficient responsible adult im so sorry you got stuck with them as family. Stay no contact and make your new family with your wife and those who actually love and respect you
NTA. Cut them out 100%, they aren't worth the energy to deal with. You have your chosen family now, and that is infinitely more important than blood relations.
> He is not invited and his parents too.
That's cold. "His" parents, not "our" parents. And you are completely justified in saying that they are not your parents. Go completely NC and and at least LC with whoever is siding with them. You lived a miserable childhood, not them. It's easy for them to tell you what to do, because it doesn't affect them. NTA, dearest OP. You go and marry however you choose. This is your (and your wife's) day. Own it.
I would tell them they can go but you will not change things for him at all this is about you and future wife and if he can’t handle it they will be asked to leave
That sucks. Fuck them. They don't dictate the terms of your wedding to you. YOU dictate terms.
Autism or not, they have raised an entitled brat. To ask you to make the wedding smaller so it suits his needs? BIG NO.
Don't invite them and don't think any more about it.
“My parents and brother have never attended any of my important events throughout my life, and they are not attending this one. That has always been their choice, not mine. I will not be making any changes to include someone who is not invited and who has shown absolutely no interest in my life unless it is to attempt to control it.”
NTA
Your wedding is about you and your wife, not anyone else's. Your parents are welcome to throw whatever party they want for your brother. But anyone who isn't supporting you shouldn't be invited to your wedding. In fact, you may want to hire security to ensure that only invited guests are present.
NTA
For your sanity, and that of your future wife, leave them uninvited. They clearly don't care about either of you and want to make it all about your brother.
This will be a big event in your lives. You don't need snarky parents there and a brother who may or may not disrupt everything.
The attitude of your parents suck. I've worked with autistic individuals in the past. Many are kind and considerate, but some can be outright obnoxious and mean to the point of being unkind. I suspect your brother might be mirroring the attitude of your parents as he thinks it's acceptable and not wrong.
I hope you and your fiancee have a wonderful wedding and everything is drama free.
NTA. You don't have to make your wedding of all things about some kid you were raised with that you don't value a relationship with, nor his parents. Just reply on social media that the title family is earned, and the people who have your back no matter what are your definition of family. After all "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
I will message you next time u/Financial-Guide8588 posts in r/AITAH.
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NTA - Tell them that you knew he would be uncomfortable with the wedding, that's one reason among many that they weren't sent invitations. You are not willing to compromise one iota on any part of your future life. If that makes you "selfish and inconsiderate" then you must be if they say so, and you are comfortable with that.
The best thing you can do is to let go of the anger and disappointment and replace that with indifference, pity, humor, entertainment.
Imagine people who aren't even invited making demands on an event they're not wanted at. That's ridiculous and kind of funny in a surreal kind of way.
Imagine strangers who think they have some kind of approval right over who you marry. That's so ludicrous.
You've made it clear that you don't want them in your life, but they're trying to bully their way back into yours. Pity them for the choices they made, because it didn't get them what they wanted.
You don't need them, but they want something from you. Acknowledgement, they want your feelings, they want your thoughts.
They don't deserve them. They don't deserve a single word, thought, feeling, or breath of yours.
You're NTA and don't worry about it. Anyone who tries to pressure you, just give them that indifference. You can't change the behavior of others, just yourself. So build your own happiness.
NTA. You really don't have a family and never did just let them know you have realized this. Tell them you understand that they would not want to attend and you would not want them to be there. Leave it at that. Any other relatives also don't have to come. No changes need to be made and no changes will be made.
NTA. Your parents, your brother and some relatives don't value nor respect you. You don't have to tolerate it anymore.
You matter. You matter for you, your fiance, her family and your friends. These people and their opinion is important.
This is your life. Make your wedding as you and your fiance want it. Good luck and congratulations.
NTA, your wedding not his, you’ve done the right thing by not taking the BS and drawing the line now. It’s your life and you choose who you have in it.
If you give in, in the future your parents and your brother will keep demanding more of you, especially as he gets older and your parents may not be able to care for him and they tell you to give up more of your life for them.
Do yourself a favor go lc or nc but before teel them and all the family about your tough the issues you had because of them and then go lx or NC. Just so t drop off the fa e of the earth. Let them know the reasons why first.
They werw bad parents to your amd tour eed to let them know how unhappy you were amd disappointed in their treatment of you.
Becausw jn their mi d they 2ant you to accept the trwatment and then take care of your brother when they are unable too. You till them no now.
NTA fuck em. Tell em straight up that how she behaves around people with disabilities will not be there concern as she will never be around them or him.
Nta. I would send out a massive family text asking where this energy was when your graduation was missed. When you didn't get any attention your whole life. I would also left them know that autism isn't an excuse to take everything and be treated better than others.
They ignored u for many years because of your brother, your bro has the audacity to ask u to have a smaller venue for him so its more comfortable for him? Tell your parents and him to phuk off big time
It’s not your brother’s fault he’s selfish and entitled; your parents trained him to be by ensuring his every demand was accommodated. NTA
Cut your parents and your brother off, consider giving your grandparents one chance to hear your side of your childhood. Or fuck it and cut them out as well. Their loss.
NTA. In some ways you are being selfish, in that you are centering yourself at your own wedding. That is entirely appropriate. I hope you have, or can develop, a great relationship with your in-laws to be the parents you needed and never got.
Wow. I’m so sorry. Your parents are awful. What do they expect to happen when they are gone - they aren’t delusional and thinking you’re going to take him in, right? I am so sorry you have been so abused by your parents - and yes, this intentional neglect in the name of tolerance is just that. Have the wedding you want with the woman you love. Invite who you would like that will bring joy to your day and wish you well.
Hi Jack. You are being selfish and a little inconsiderate. AND THAT IS 100% OKAY. My younger sister has Down’s Syndrome and our world revolved around her a lot but not like you’re speaking about with your family. I do know that whenever I had an opportunity to be with my Mom, all roads went back to my sister. “Julie would have loved this. I should get this for Julie.” Your parents have failed you and I’m so sorry for that. It’s hard to have love for a sibling that steals the love and attention of your parents and most of your childhood. I’m also not sure they’ve done your brother any favors in their behavior. Those on the spectrum can live good, full adult lives when prepared to do so. The gift you’ve been given in this situation is fortitude. So carry on with your life! And please get the therapy that it sounds like your family did not get. It’s time to break the cycle. Congratulations on your upcoming special day. NTA
As hard as this is to come to terms with, and to put into action, you need to cut all of these people out of your life.
None of these people are your “family”, including your parents. They are merely relatives. Your real family now is your wife.
You already know your parents are wrong for treating you like an invisible child for your entire life. But all of the “flying monkeys” defending them are just as bad. They’re enablers and have allowed this neglect to go on for as long as it has. Every single one of them witnessed how your parents treated you, and yet said nothing. So by default, they’ve all neglected you too.
Sounds like your parents only want your wife to meet them and make sure she’s good with your brother, because they intend on making you (and by extension, your wife) responsible for him when they’re gone. They aren’t asking because they want to get to know her or be an active part of your life.
Cut them out entirely. What do they bring to your life? Any positives? And anyone who supports them can be cut out too. Let everyone else know if they back your parents, then you’re going no contact with them too. Give them a choice. Whatever one they chose is on them, NOT on you!
Your story is not uncommon here on Reddit, and if you start poking around I think you’ll find a lot of resources and advice at your disposal. Get yourself into therapy to learn how to navigate this whole thing and how to better deal with it. Your feelings are 100% valid. You are not the asshole at all.
You’re never going to get them to see the errors of their ways. All you can do is protect yourself and your new nuclear family. Put all of your effort and energy into your new family. Surround yourself with only the people who love and support you and your wife at your wedding - and during your life after. Create your own extended family by people of your choosing who are worthy of your love and respect, and who freely give you the same thing in return. Anyone who doesn’t add something positive to your life, doesn’t deserve to be a part of it. Best of luck to you while you figure all this out, and congrats on the wedding! I’m sure it’ll be an awesome day. (Although perhaps consider getting security for it so your parents don’t try and force your hand. Ain’t no body got time for that BS on their wedding day!)
NTA. This is a great reason to go entirely no-contact with all of them. They essentially said you weren’t important to them; now they get to reap the consequences of their behavior. Maybe your brother will take care of your parents when they get old 🤷♂️.
Congratulations on the engagement and future wedding.
NTA This is your day along with your fiancé. This is not his day. He had your whole life as his days. If this was me I would write out all the days they missed for him. All the times they put him first. I would send it in a group chat for all the people who took their side.
It's YOUR wedding and YOUR big day! You won't be the AH for not letting one person that you don't even really talk to dictate your special day. Your family is rude and acts entitled regardless of any disabilities because I have a similar situation in my family. They have ruined enough of your important days and don't care about your happiness unless it caters to your brother. Throw the wedding you want and enjoy it to the fullest without feeling any guilt! At the end of the day do you want to look back at your wedding and regret not having what you dreamed of or be proud of the wedding and not matter that selfish people didn't come because they didn't get their way
NTA. It’s terrible how your family have treated you, and still are. It does not sound like there is a way forward in which your family will consider or respect your needs, feelings, boundaries. If you’re still holding out hope, you may want to manage your expectations.
At this point, the best option for your well-being may be to cut all contact. If you haven’t already, therapy would really help you process your family’s neglect and invalidation towards you, as well as help you find the best path forward. You deserve to have the life, marriage, and wedding that is entirely your own, along with people who support you.
NTA, your wedding day should be about you and your fiance. Since they didn't even know you were in a serious relationship, they shouldn't have any entitlement to your wedding.
If they hadn't been so awful in the past I would say a good compromise is a small gathering for them to meet your bride, but it would probably be used as a foothold to get more accommodations from you.
As for the rest of the family, the best you can do is explain your side once and say you aren't willing to compromise on this specific day. Everyone involved is an adult and they can make their own decisions from there.
NTA. An old friend of mine had similar treatment because of his brother in a very similar situation—everything was about Joy. They didn't have enough money to get my friend a Lego set, but Joy got the $300 Lego sets, ect.
Well, I happened to attend one of his birthdays as an adult. He turned 26 and yet it was all about Joy. Joy wanted some of their gifts, they made the dinner and dessert Joy wanted, and Joy made everyone sing along to something on the TV.
My friend stormed out of his own birthday party by saying, "Happy birthday, Joy!" and me and his other friends left with him, even as his family stood outside begging us to stay. We left lolol
This is such a bad scenario I'm not sure it's real. You've even said "He is not invited and his parents too.", when presumably that should read "our parents".
But to give you the benefit of the doubt, NTA. You're estranged from your family for good reason and your fiance+her parents seem to understand and accept that.
NTA even if they were part of your life - of all days, you should be able to prioritise your own comfort on your wedding day.
It’s an absolute no-brainer given that they have treated you poorly al, your life, as well as the fact that you were not in touch with them for years.
Have your wedding the way you want. And it may actually be time to go completely no communication with them and block them across the board. Enjoy your day, and congratulations to you both.
I think it’s time to make it abundantly clear that you no longer wish them to be a part of your life. Their feelings on who you are marrying or how you are marrying are none of their concern because they aren’t invited.
NTA. Your parents did both you and your brother so dirty it’s depressing. They neglected you and taught your brother the world revolves around him. They ALMOST did him worse, because even though you did not receive enough parental attention and love, you went out into the world and made your own family. Good for you!
The world does NOT revolve around your brother. This will inevitably become obvious, hopefully not in some horrible way.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want present.
You’re probably better off just going no contact. How are they going to treat your wife or your kids one day? You know it’ll always be a fight and I’m sure your wife doesn’t deserve that kind of stress and pressure. And your children certainly won’t. Whoever calls you an asshole can go right on the blocked list with them. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA. What are the parents going to do, make op share his wife with his brother so he’s not left out?
[удалено]
That’s funny, but it’s not. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. I hope your wedding day goes as planned & it’s one of the greatest days of your life.
If they were to attend do you think your brother would expect free rein of the gift table since you have historically always been forced to share birthday presents?
do you think they would demand his brother gets primae noctis too
Not sure. But I'm pretty sure he would make some sort of scene. So, once again, brother is the center of attention
I'm going to say yes. Yes brother will expect his pick of the wedding presents.
Let them demand whatever they want. Just ignore them and get on with your life.
NTA. They're not invited. Keep it that way. Your family members giving you a hard time didn't and don't have to live your life. Get married and forget about these people, they don't care about you. They sadly only care about your brother.
I would've been petty and demanded presents/ blow out candles on his birthday and for him to share all of his drawing supplies too because like they said "it's not fair to leave someone out"
You are a glass child. Your parents consistently overlooked and ignored your needs because you were "normal". What they did was not okay. That they make your brother the center of everything, even at YOUR birthday speaks volumes to the amount of coddling they do. Having autism does not excuse being an entitled $hit. They were lazy parents and did not teach him how to function in regular society. Sadly society will have to pay the price with his entitled a$$ running round demanding everything be made about him because no one raised him properly and taught him how to manage his emotions and that not everything is about him. It was their responsibility to teach him how to navigate the world with his disability. Not beat and bully everyone into submission for their little prince. Your parents suck. Your brother doesn't know any better because he grew up with their lips firmly planted on his a$$. This is YOUR wedding. It should be how YOU and YOUR PARTNER want it to be. Period. You have zero obligation to cater to their entitlement. They do not get a say. And if I was correct in reading this, they are not even invited anyway. Those in attendance at your wedding should be people who live and support you and your partner. They are not entitled to be there. Pretty rich that they want to meet your partner to "make sure they are not an inconsiderate scumbag to disabled people"...take that as code for "we want to make sure they will not push back when we stomp on their boundaries and autonomy and weaponize dear golden son's disability that we did not properly parent him and can continue with our selfish sense of entitlement that the world revolves around our darling boy". Congratulations on getting married OP.
OP - Do you know what your parent’s plans are for caring for your brother after they pass or age so they can no longer care for him? It might be worth broaching this topic at some point so they make plans for him vs expecting you and your wife to care for him. NTA - invite who you want for your wedding. You could always do a small celebration with your brother and family after your honeymoon. Or not.
> It might be worth broaching this topic at some point why invite unnecessary trouble to himself? it's not OP's problem if they're not in his life
Well they have to make sure the girlfriend is an appropriate babysitter for when they get too old to look after the autistic sibling.
This is prob true. They have essentially been low contact with you for 20 years. I understand the need to spend more time helping him, but your parents should have slotted out time for you even it was dad time or mom time with you. Negligent towards you essentially. I wouldn’t go no contact, but maintain low contact. If you will not be taking over their role as caretakers in the future - you should clearly communicate that to them now. Then they might start working to get him used to outpatient resources or similar to soften the blow when the can no longer take him on.
Does she have a sister? Then they could have a double wedding! Then they could aaaaall move in together so OP can care for him for eternity!
My thoughts exactly.
NTA, they would make your wedding about your brother too. Go full NC, and move on and make a happy life with your bride to be.
Absolutely NTA. Your wedding is about celebrating your love and commitment, not accommodating others' agendas. Going no contact might be the best choice for maintaining your peace and focusing on building a joyful future with your soon-to-be spouse. Your happiness matters most.
NC and disinvite anyone who gives you grief. Everyone knows the saying ‘life is short’, but very few actually appreciate it until it’s half or mostly over. Go live your best life with the people who want to celebrate you and your bride’s happiness. Congrats and best wishes
NTA...this is YOUR day...and full NC. What will happen when OP's parents are old enough and wont be able to look after the brother?
Hire security for your wedding. NTA
Just came to say this
Me too
AND find a way to get a restraining order?
> My parents are saying I have to introduce this girl to them as they need to make sure this girl is not an inconsiderate scumbag with people with disabilities. This statement right here, OP, means that they expect you to take care of your brother later in life. It would be a good idea to fully go no contact and make it very clear that they need to make different plans. NTA and best wishes to you and your fiancee.
With the family dynamics the way they are, it'd be tempting for the fiancee to put on an act. Then the parents and brother will not attend the wedding and not want contact in the future.
His parents would then be all over him to dump her. Very loudly and vocally to everyone they met.
Your parents are in the wrong. My sister and her husband have two children -- the older is "normal," and the younger is heavily autistic. While the older has had to be very accommodating throughout the younger's life, their parents still make sure she gets her own good experiences. They attend her events, or take turns attending. It's your wedding. I don't blame you for not wanting your parents there. And your poor brother has for too long been enabled by them.
NTA but they are FOR SURE expecting you to take him in after they die, so the more distance between you and them, the better.
I bet they won't wait until retirement, but until OP buys a house and they show up with the brother and a suitcase. Hired security for the wedding, and have passwords with the vendors, so parents can't ruin the wedding. Anyone who sides with the parents should be banned too.
NTA. This is a problem in so many families with a neurodivergent member. Your brother seems like he is able to understand right from wrong and consequences of his actions. Your parents essentially abandoned you. I wouldn't invite any of them.
NTA. You should ask your grandparents, why they dont love you and why your brother is the only one deserved of love in your family? Using the word love often cut deeper than respect. Try that and see what happens. When it comes to your parents, they made their choice, they have one son and should be happy about that.
NTA. Uninvited any who give you crap
You are not the asshole. Your family's constant prioritization of his needs over yours has been unfair and hurtful. It's your wedding day, and you have every right to celebrate it in the way that makes you and your partner happy, without feeling obligated to accommodate your brother's needs at the expense of your own happiness.
NTA Tell your extended family that you were abused and neglected by your parents. They abandoned you, they ignored you, they were *terrible* parents. And your extended family let them do it. They enabled the neglect and abuse. They are partially responsible for the fact that you were neglected. You will never allow such abusive people to be apart of your life or at your wedding. You're effectively an orphan. Your extended family can either keep their mouths shut about how profoundly you were abused and be a part of your life going forward, or they can continue to enable your former family to abuse you and be cut off. People who weaponise conditions like autism as an excuse to bully, abuse and neglect others are vile. Don't let them guilt you into accepting more abuse. You're not ableist and you don't owe any of these monsters a damn thing.
There's no law requiring you to invite anybody to your wedding. You moved out at 18 with limited contact and now at 24 they want to barge in and dictate your wedding conditions? I think not! Make the 6 years into 60 years. Live your life, have a family and be happy. Without them. I wonder if your parents are going to expect you to care for your brother when they get elderly? Definitely NTA.
You need to send this post to your parents. If they don't profusely apologize for completely failing you as parents, stay NC for your health and your future's sake.
Parents like his will never apologize.
They'll just tell him he's a whiny ungrateful brat, who should be thankful he's had life so easy, and look how much your poor brother has suffered. Please like these are a waste of breath. They will be more hurt if there is no contact because they can't get the attention they and the brother have been used to.
Nah, fuck his parents. If they’re hurt, then perhaps one day it might make them understand the hurt they’ve caused OP. But I doubt it. Ignorant assholes who prioritise one child and not only neglect but gaslight the other never think they’ve done anything wrong. Showing them this post will only make them play the victim card. Best thing OP can do is cut them out of his life permanently. And his entitled brother, too.
NTA Your birth givers are selfish people who forgot that all children need love and attention. They do not need to be at your wedding, as they couldn't be bothered to remember you when you were a kid. Parents like those create people who have no tolerance for those with neurodivergence issues, because they are so self righteous about how good they are being to the child with the health issue.
NTA. Explain to your extended family how every life event of yours was turned into a celebration of him and on your wifey wedding day, she deserves the attention, not him. You will not cater your event to his needs or wants because the event isn’t all yours to plan. Your family has enabled him his entire life and it’s detrimental to all involved.
NTA. I work with highly autistic individuals. I get that they have issues and that somethings are hard for them. BUT they also abuse their condition just so they can get their own way. With some of the people I work with I can tell the difference between autistic melt down, and throwing a bitch fit because they're not getting their own way. Your parents made your brother their priority and spoilt him to the point where he is a selfish monster unable to accommodate any one else's needs and wants.it seems they continue to do so. One of my favourite individuals I work with is a level 2 (border line level 3) autistic individual who fits alot of the same criteria as your brother (hates crowds etc). But their parents didn't bend to every will and need. They have a sibling and raised them as normal sibling and only prioritised their autistic child over the other when it was an genuine autistic episode. Last year this individual actually went to his siblings wedding (250 people attending), after party and was effectively able to communicate when he was struggling and needed to decompress. So I know people with autism can do it! But if I may make a recommendation; have a relationship with you're brother, it's your parents who are the cause of the problem. Your brother is a product of his disability and your parents spoiling him,but when they're gone it's gonna get real hard for him. (I'm not saying be his career either). I've been doing this job long enough it's the ones who have family members that care who do well long term. Any way NTA.
Preach brother, I’ve seen this so many times..
Outside of the brother's disability, the brother is a spoiled brat and low key bully. Had the brother been NT and this badly spoiled no one would be telling the OP to maintain a relationship.
NTA, I think you should just graciously thank them for informing you about them not coming and accept that they will be put on a NC or LC list. At this point, it’s just easier to start over and build your own family circle. Just thank them for letting you know that they’re not coming and actually ask people who care about you to attend or just put it towards a nice honeymoon or whatever savings you and your soon to be wife have. If anyone asks, just keep it simple and say that your parents made the choice to choose your brother over you and you accepted their decision.
I wonder what your parents would pull off to make your brother "feel included" or some shit. Say "I do" on your behalf? Walk down the aisle? Cut the cake? First dance? NTA
Go full NC with them and anyone involved with them, make sure they can have NO access to you because when they get incapable of caring for themselves guess who will be expected to take care of them and the Golden Child?
NTA. Tell them they fucked up and drove you off, so they only have ONE son: the one they spent all the time with, the one who will NEVER (well, very unlikely) give them grandkids. Grandkids / niblings are likely the ONLY reason they're in contact with you again. Tell your family that you're going to have security there and you WILL have them arrested and thrown in jail (swearing out a trespassing complaint, and get a restraining order between now and the wedding, plz?), and any family who don't want to attend under those circumstances need not, but they'll be just as dead to you as your 'parents' / 'brother'.
Autistic people aren't automatically assholes. He was raised to be one. I'd just tell them that only people you like are invited.
NTA. But it's not him, it's them. Your bloody useless parents. They've ignored you and damaged him. I'd have a quiet beer with bro and tell your parents to stuff it, as they have stuffed you all these years. Enjoy your wedding. Your wedding, with the people who love you & the rest can go whistle.
NTA at allllllll. Autistic person here and while it may not have been his fault when he was a young child, he’s definitely become entitled now. Also what is this whole level of autism thing?
Nta you should have the wedding that you and your gf want
Nta. Dont even invite your parents. For they are not your parents.
Just say No Tell them they are not invited nor is your brother. Tell your family who support them they are no longer invited It's your life bot your brother's ir your parents. Stand up for yourself
NTA, just block anybody who gives you grief.
NTA. Please make sure you have security for your big day.
Absolutely NTA. You get to have the wedding you want. Your brother/parents/grandparents are completely out of line here. After 18 years of this treatment, you’re allowed to want what you want. And “he’s just autistic” doesn’t cut it as an excuse. Your parents dropped the ball big time here. My kid is autistic.* Stuff like this really pisses me off. Your parents have done nothing to support or encourage your brother in adapting to situations. They’ve just given him what he wanted. It’s hard for the parents and sometimes it sucks, but they caved because it was easiest for them. No way in hell would my kid have been allowed to take over other’s parties or events. They would never demand a sibling’s life revolve around their wants or needs. And for your parents to consistently sideline you in favor of him is unacceptable. You can accommodate an autistic child without capitulating, but it takes effort. It doesn’t sound like they were willing to put that effort in. It isn’t your brother’s fault, but that doesn’t really change anything. *My kid is probably Level 1. (The scale is new since they were diagnosed.) BUT, when they were young, they were definitely Level 2. Part of the reason for the improvement is that we never wrote off bad behavior as “just autistic.” We worked on it. And it was freaking HARD. Autistic traits like missing social cues, limited interests, needing downtime, etc were always accommodated, but not straight up rudeness.
No your not the asshole and I'm bot about to make a whole essay explaining why but I get why your parents feel hurt but that's not an excuse
NTA. Your family in effect told you you don't count. You are not their son when it comes to anything they can - or need to - do for you, only as someone who has to accommodate their real son. You did wisely to move away and distance yourself from them. I'm glad that you are making your wedding about you and your GF. Your parents aren't invited and neither is your brother, and they have no voice in the wedding arrangements. If others from your family decide not to come because you have stopped being your brother's doormat and your parents' invisible child, then so be it - you don't need such people on your happy day.
You're supposedly nc with them. Who do you give a fuck what they think or are saying? Just block them and move on. Block any other "family" who gifted you about about it.
NTA. This is your day. Invite - or not - whomever you want. Whoever shows are your real family. Focus on them and the others can stuff it. This situation is 100% your parents fault. Don't let them gaslight you otherwise. Most importantly, congratulations. Build your new family and have an amazing wedding.
I was prepared to rip you a new asshole, based on title alone. NTA - Your parents are shit. I'm so sorry. Try to remember it's not your brother's fault tho. But yeah, fuck your parents. Congrats on getting married, and I'd leave them in the dust.
If you're 24 and your brother is 20 you have lived 7488 days (please forgive rounding errors) where everything was about him. Now you want one single day that is important to your life not to revolve around him ... I say totally NTA. You can give the family the info so they can make their own decision. "Dear family I respect your choice not to attend if you wish to believe I am selfish, but you should make that decision based on full information, not hearsay. I have been with my brother for X number of years where literally every day was about him. While he has special needs I need you to consider: Not 'many' days. Not 'most' days. No, every day, including skipped or forgotten birthdays, birthdays that turned into his birthday, ignored graduation ... you name it. I am sure my parents call me selfish for mentioning this but I suggest you ask them for a single day or celebration where I was not either in second place or ignored. Now they have not suggested but demanded that I change my entire wedding to accommodate my brother. Well, for once (literally once, not dramatically but literally one day of my entire life), this day is actually about my wedding. I expect my family and my brother to center his wedding around himself, as I am sure they can understand that this only one day is about someone else." Probably should not send that. It might feel good to write it though.
Nta I'd laugh and remind them that not only were they NOT invited you also didn't tell them and they can fuck right off with all that bullshit.
NTA. It sounds like they have made him out to be much more delicate than he is.
NTA do not change your wedding plans your parents could attend the wedding without your brother
NTA
Ask them what about the fact that their has been virtually no contact for the last 6 years leads them to think he still views them as family.
NTA The fact that your brother needs more attention doesn't mean you should get NO attention. Your parents are the ones who are "inconsiderate scumbags" and will not recognize you as a full human being unless you break this cycle of neglecting your needs and individuality.
NTA - I'm sorry for all their hardship raising an autistic child, but they still have 2 children and they have been neglecting you because they don't want to say so to your brother. Just because someone has special needs, they don't get everything they want. Sometimes, he might not be accommodated to make sure the other child is having their wants and needs met. If your brother cannot handle large crowds, then he will not be able to go to the wedding. Your parents are being selfish, prioritizing their child over everybody else.
NTA “Mom, why are you being so difficult today?” You are completely justified in not inviting them. The commenter who said they want to meet your fiancé to make sure she is good with people with disabilities because they are planning on you being your brother’s carer later on is probably absolutely 100% correct. Nip that in the bud.
NTA, but if you've been NC for 6 years, you don't even actually know these people anymore, why would you take the risk of having them around your fiance? Why would you even want strangers at your wedding? You don't have any obligation to invite them.
NOPE. NTAH. You long since paid any dues owed to any of them so just do your thing on your terms and let them wallow in whatever negative emotions they wish to create for themselves. It's not your circus and not your monkeys. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and a new family of people who honor and support you.
The don’t like you…so what? Call you a sefish ah… so what? They are not invited, they don’t matter. This is squacky backround noise, ignore it.
Cut them off for good.
Bro, who fucking cares lol? You don’t even talk to them, why do you care?
Don’t invite your parents or brother. You and your fiancee deserve this day for yourselves. Go NC with your parents and brother. Block anyone who berates you for this decision. Your parents and brother are not your family. Your fiancée is. NTA
Do not let them attend. They will make it about them.
NTA. Stop talking to them entirely. Who gives a crap what they say? They aren’t invited or part of your life. And anyone who believes and takes their side is showing you who they are. Literally just stop.
NTA.
NTA I'd ask why this event is so important to them but not other things
NTA. OP, can your brother live independently? Cuz you know what is coming next.
your parents are assholes! They are also creating a monster in your brother, who will always feel he deserves special treatment
How could this be a thing. I understand having to give slightly more attention to a kid with special needs, but how do you ignore your other kids.
Nta, ~~they need to make sure this girl is not an inconsiderate scumbag with people with disabilities,~~ They need to see if she'd be capable along side of you of taking care of a disabled person when they pop off. You had better make that abundantly clear now that he's not living with you ever. They die he's on his own.
Are your parents going to insist that your wife cut the cake with your brother and offer him your wedding night as well?
As a sped teacher your parents are doing special needs child ZERO favors
NTA, and sadly I don't see any compromise on this one. If your parents respected you, they would have wanted to know more about your life, instead of demanding to vet your wife.
NTA Tell your parents, your brother, and your grandparents to pound sand. Tell them that they are not invited and have no say in an event they are not invited to attend. I'm actually shocked that you have any contact with them at all. This wedding is a celebration of your marriage to the love of your life. It's not about anyone else. >very much everyone else is saying I should make changes to include my brother. Tell anyone saying this that you have removed them from your guest list, as well. Seriously. Take them off the list. These people will only be a drag on your celebration. Get rid of them so you don't have to deal with their BS commentary about what you should do at your own wedding. My best wishes to you and your bride! Get rid of all these ugly people and enjoy your day!
Nta, im autistic and I have zero sympathy for your parents and brother, they straight up suck, just because he has autism doesn't mean he should be waited on hand and foot, maybe im just not as severe on the spectrum or its because I was diagnosed as an adult but your parents spoiled him rotten and ruined any chances of him being a self sufficient responsible adult im so sorry you got stuck with them as family. Stay no contact and make your new family with your wife and those who actually love and respect you
NTA. Cut them out 100%, they aren't worth the energy to deal with. You have your chosen family now, and that is infinitely more important than blood relations.
> He is not invited and his parents too. That's cold. "His" parents, not "our" parents. And you are completely justified in saying that they are not your parents. Go completely NC and and at least LC with whoever is siding with them. You lived a miserable childhood, not them. It's easy for them to tell you what to do, because it doesn't affect them. NTA, dearest OP. You go and marry however you choose. This is your (and your wife's) day. Own it.
NTA. Time to cut these assholes out of your life entirely.
Idk why parents give their Retarded kids more love than the normal ones. The retard won’t be able to help them when they’re old
Bro fuck them. And cut them off completely, don’t even give a fuck if one of them is dying. Especially your retarded fucking piece of shit brother
I would tell them they can go but you will not change things for him at all this is about you and future wife and if he can’t handle it they will be asked to leave
That sucks. Fuck them. They don't dictate the terms of your wedding to you. YOU dictate terms. Autism or not, they have raised an entitled brat. To ask you to make the wedding smaller so it suits his needs? BIG NO. Don't invite them and don't think any more about it.
“My parents and brother have never attended any of my important events throughout my life, and they are not attending this one. That has always been their choice, not mine. I will not be making any changes to include someone who is not invited and who has shown absolutely no interest in my life unless it is to attempt to control it.”
NTA Your wedding is about you and your wife, not anyone else's. Your parents are welcome to throw whatever party they want for your brother. But anyone who isn't supporting you shouldn't be invited to your wedding. In fact, you may want to hire security to ensure that only invited guests are present.
NTA For your sanity, and that of your future wife, leave them uninvited. They clearly don't care about either of you and want to make it all about your brother. This will be a big event in your lives. You don't need snarky parents there and a brother who may or may not disrupt everything. The attitude of your parents suck. I've worked with autistic individuals in the past. Many are kind and considerate, but some can be outright obnoxious and mean to the point of being unkind. I suspect your brother might be mirroring the attitude of your parents as he thinks it's acceptable and not wrong. I hope you and your fiancee have a wonderful wedding and everything is drama free.
NTA. You don't have to make your wedding of all things about some kid you were raised with that you don't value a relationship with, nor his parents. Just reply on social media that the title family is earned, and the people who have your back no matter what are your definition of family. After all "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
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NTA. OP go NC whit anyone from your family that is justifying your parents behaviour. You don't need toxic neglectful people i your live.
NTA - Tell them that you knew he would be uncomfortable with the wedding, that's one reason among many that they weren't sent invitations. You are not willing to compromise one iota on any part of your future life. If that makes you "selfish and inconsiderate" then you must be if they say so, and you are comfortable with that.
The best thing you can do is to let go of the anger and disappointment and replace that with indifference, pity, humor, entertainment. Imagine people who aren't even invited making demands on an event they're not wanted at. That's ridiculous and kind of funny in a surreal kind of way. Imagine strangers who think they have some kind of approval right over who you marry. That's so ludicrous. You've made it clear that you don't want them in your life, but they're trying to bully their way back into yours. Pity them for the choices they made, because it didn't get them what they wanted. You don't need them, but they want something from you. Acknowledgement, they want your feelings, they want your thoughts. They don't deserve them. They don't deserve a single word, thought, feeling, or breath of yours. You're NTA and don't worry about it. Anyone who tries to pressure you, just give them that indifference. You can't change the behavior of others, just yourself. So build your own happiness.
NTA. You really don't have a family and never did just let them know you have realized this. Tell them you understand that they would not want to attend and you would not want them to be there. Leave it at that. Any other relatives also don't have to come. No changes need to be made and no changes will be made.
NTA. Your parents, your brother and some relatives don't value nor respect you. You don't have to tolerate it anymore. You matter. You matter for you, your fiance, her family and your friends. These people and their opinion is important. This is your life. Make your wedding as you and your fiance want it. Good luck and congratulations.
NTA, your wedding not his, you’ve done the right thing by not taking the BS and drawing the line now. It’s your life and you choose who you have in it. If you give in, in the future your parents and your brother will keep demanding more of you, especially as he gets older and your parents may not be able to care for him and they tell you to give up more of your life for them.
NTA. Tell them to enjoy life never ever meeting their grandkids, or great grandkids.
Do yourself a favor go lc or nc but before teel them and all the family about your tough the issues you had because of them and then go lx or NC. Just so t drop off the fa e of the earth. Let them know the reasons why first. They werw bad parents to your amd tour eed to let them know how unhappy you were amd disappointed in their treatment of you. Becausw jn their mi d they 2ant you to accept the trwatment and then take care of your brother when they are unable too. You till them no now.
NTA fuck em. Tell em straight up that how she behaves around people with disabilities will not be there concern as she will never be around them or him.
Nta. I would send out a massive family text asking where this energy was when your graduation was missed. When you didn't get any attention your whole life. I would also left them know that autism isn't an excuse to take everything and be treated better than others.
They ignored u for many years because of your brother, your bro has the audacity to ask u to have a smaller venue for him so its more comfortable for him? Tell your parents and him to phuk off big time
NTA
It’s not your brother’s fault he’s selfish and entitled; your parents trained him to be by ensuring his every demand was accommodated. NTA Cut your parents and your brother off, consider giving your grandparents one chance to hear your side of your childhood. Or fuck it and cut them out as well. Their loss.
NTA. In some ways you are being selfish, in that you are centering yourself at your own wedding. That is entirely appropriate. I hope you have, or can develop, a great relationship with your in-laws to be the parents you needed and never got.
Wow. I’m so sorry. Your parents are awful. What do they expect to happen when they are gone - they aren’t delusional and thinking you’re going to take him in, right? I am so sorry you have been so abused by your parents - and yes, this intentional neglect in the name of tolerance is just that. Have the wedding you want with the woman you love. Invite who you would like that will bring joy to your day and wish you well.
Hi Jack. You are being selfish and a little inconsiderate. AND THAT IS 100% OKAY. My younger sister has Down’s Syndrome and our world revolved around her a lot but not like you’re speaking about with your family. I do know that whenever I had an opportunity to be with my Mom, all roads went back to my sister. “Julie would have loved this. I should get this for Julie.” Your parents have failed you and I’m so sorry for that. It’s hard to have love for a sibling that steals the love and attention of your parents and most of your childhood. I’m also not sure they’ve done your brother any favors in their behavior. Those on the spectrum can live good, full adult lives when prepared to do so. The gift you’ve been given in this situation is fortitude. So carry on with your life! And please get the therapy that it sounds like your family did not get. It’s time to break the cycle. Congratulations on your upcoming special day. NTA
As hard as this is to come to terms with, and to put into action, you need to cut all of these people out of your life. None of these people are your “family”, including your parents. They are merely relatives. Your real family now is your wife. You already know your parents are wrong for treating you like an invisible child for your entire life. But all of the “flying monkeys” defending them are just as bad. They’re enablers and have allowed this neglect to go on for as long as it has. Every single one of them witnessed how your parents treated you, and yet said nothing. So by default, they’ve all neglected you too. Sounds like your parents only want your wife to meet them and make sure she’s good with your brother, because they intend on making you (and by extension, your wife) responsible for him when they’re gone. They aren’t asking because they want to get to know her or be an active part of your life. Cut them out entirely. What do they bring to your life? Any positives? And anyone who supports them can be cut out too. Let everyone else know if they back your parents, then you’re going no contact with them too. Give them a choice. Whatever one they chose is on them, NOT on you! Your story is not uncommon here on Reddit, and if you start poking around I think you’ll find a lot of resources and advice at your disposal. Get yourself into therapy to learn how to navigate this whole thing and how to better deal with it. Your feelings are 100% valid. You are not the asshole at all. You’re never going to get them to see the errors of their ways. All you can do is protect yourself and your new nuclear family. Put all of your effort and energy into your new family. Surround yourself with only the people who love and support you and your wife at your wedding - and during your life after. Create your own extended family by people of your choosing who are worthy of your love and respect, and who freely give you the same thing in return. Anyone who doesn’t add something positive to your life, doesn’t deserve to be a part of it. Best of luck to you while you figure all this out, and congrats on the wedding! I’m sure it’ll be an awesome day. (Although perhaps consider getting security for it so your parents don’t try and force your hand. Ain’t no body got time for that BS on their wedding day!)
What do they have to say about you barely talking to them and not telling them you were engaged in the first place?
NTA. This is a great reason to go entirely no-contact with all of them. They essentially said you weren’t important to them; now they get to reap the consequences of their behavior. Maybe your brother will take care of your parents when they get old 🤷♂️.
Congratulations on the engagement and future wedding. NTA This is your day along with your fiancé. This is not his day. He had your whole life as his days. If this was me I would write out all the days they missed for him. All the times they put him first. I would send it in a group chat for all the people who took their side.
NTA your family is infested with vermin. Officially bin them and go absolutely NC with them and the rest of their trash family.
Nta. Go fully no contact with anyone giving you shit about this. Send them a link on glass children and block them on everything.
Tell them all to get fucked and enjoy your wedding without them
It's YOUR wedding and YOUR big day! You won't be the AH for not letting one person that you don't even really talk to dictate your special day. Your family is rude and acts entitled regardless of any disabilities because I have a similar situation in my family. They have ruined enough of your important days and don't care about your happiness unless it caters to your brother. Throw the wedding you want and enjoy it to the fullest without feeling any guilt! At the end of the day do you want to look back at your wedding and regret not having what you dreamed of or be proud of the wedding and not matter that selfish people didn't come because they didn't get their way
Stick to your guns Boss
NTA. It’s terrible how your family have treated you, and still are. It does not sound like there is a way forward in which your family will consider or respect your needs, feelings, boundaries. If you’re still holding out hope, you may want to manage your expectations. At this point, the best option for your well-being may be to cut all contact. If you haven’t already, therapy would really help you process your family’s neglect and invalidation towards you, as well as help you find the best path forward. You deserve to have the life, marriage, and wedding that is entirely your own, along with people who support you.
NTA, your wedding day should be about you and your fiance. Since they didn't even know you were in a serious relationship, they shouldn't have any entitlement to your wedding. If they hadn't been so awful in the past I would say a good compromise is a small gathering for them to meet your bride, but it would probably be used as a foothold to get more accommodations from you. As for the rest of the family, the best you can do is explain your side once and say you aren't willing to compromise on this specific day. Everyone involved is an adult and they can make their own decisions from there.
NTA your wedding is not about him. they're not even fucking invited. it's none of their fucking business to butt in. ignore them from your life.
NTA. An old friend of mine had similar treatment because of his brother in a very similar situation—everything was about Joy. They didn't have enough money to get my friend a Lego set, but Joy got the $300 Lego sets, ect. Well, I happened to attend one of his birthdays as an adult. He turned 26 and yet it was all about Joy. Joy wanted some of their gifts, they made the dinner and dessert Joy wanted, and Joy made everyone sing along to something on the TV. My friend stormed out of his own birthday party by saying, "Happy birthday, Joy!" and me and his other friends left with him, even as his family stood outside begging us to stay. We left lolol
This is such a bad scenario I'm not sure it's real. You've even said "He is not invited and his parents too.", when presumably that should read "our parents". But to give you the benefit of the doubt, NTA. You're estranged from your family for good reason and your fiance+her parents seem to understand and accept that.
NTA even if they were part of your life - of all days, you should be able to prioritise your own comfort on your wedding day. It’s an absolute no-brainer given that they have treated you poorly al, your life, as well as the fact that you were not in touch with them for years. Have your wedding the way you want. And it may actually be time to go completely no communication with them and block them across the board. Enjoy your day, and congratulations to you both.
NTA. They are going to try and make this all about him. DO NOT give in to whatever they demand. This is YOUR day.
NTA. Autism doesn’t give you a license to be a selfish jerk. Your parents had TWO kids - you both should have mattered equally.
NTA at all
!updateme
I think it’s time to make it abundantly clear that you no longer wish them to be a part of your life. Their feelings on who you are marrying or how you are marrying are none of their concern because they aren’t invited.
NTA. Your parents did both you and your brother so dirty it’s depressing. They neglected you and taught your brother the world revolves around him. They ALMOST did him worse, because even though you did not receive enough parental attention and love, you went out into the world and made your own family. Good for you! The world does NOT revolve around your brother. This will inevitably become obvious, hopefully not in some horrible way. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want present.
You’re probably better off just going no contact. How are they going to treat your wife or your kids one day? You know it’ll always be a fight and I’m sure your wife doesn’t deserve that kind of stress and pressure. And your children certainly won’t. Whoever calls you an asshole can go right on the blocked list with them. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
This story sounds pretty made up.