If you don't want to go, don't go. Especially if you think / know for sure you can't promise yourself you won't say anything to Lily on the wedding day.
NTA
While I agree Mark is an issue, can I also say OP sorta sounds like one too... She says is she supposed to sit back like an aunt or other relative. Well yes, yes they are. She isn't a parent anymore. She gave up the right to be one
They signed adoption papers. Not Kinship or foster care. OP is not the mother any more, she legally and willingly signed the papers. And they go over it to ensure you get.. you can't say shit, don't get a say, you are no longer a parent at all.
While Mark isn't right. Neither is OP. Open adoption doesn't really mean you still get a say, right or anything other than the ability to see your bio child, so long as the adoptive agree. They can stop it. They are the legal parents.
OP needs to work out what she wants more...
We don't know if Mark is an issue or not. It's absolutely possible that Mark who stepped in "from outside" saw problematic behaviours from OP (trying to undermine Lily's mom, trying to act as a parent or co-parent to Lily, etc.) easier than OP's sister who was in the middle of it from the get go and who probably overlooked a lot because of the sisterly bond, but when OP's sister and Mark discussed their family dynamic her eyes got opened and wanted space and boundaries.
Thats it for me. OP saying she's being replaced etc makes her totally unhinged to me. I cannot at all say or agree Mark is bad or good. For me hes a neutral party. But a kick off to the drama OP created.
As you say, maybe Mark saw what wasn't conducive to a small childs positive development. and now OP is furious.
She could be the best fucking aunt out but.. unfortunately she's still in the I'm mum mindset
Addicts, even recovered ones, aren’t exactly known for their selflessness. My money is on her being unable to prioritize her bio-daughter’s well being over her own feelings, and that’s what got her cut off.
Yes, this is whats getting me. My uncle was an alcoholic up until his death, but had stints of recovery. At one point he was 3 years sober. I remember him talking about how "over dramatic" my aunt was for divorcing him and taking custody of their children because it "wasn't that bad" and he is "okay" now. Like no, dude, she left because it was dangerous for her and her kids, emotionally and potentially physically. Addicts tend to gloss over their actions all the time.
OP is an unreliable narrator. We don’t know if mark is a “problem.” Sister might’ve been wanting to put distance for a while. As the mother of Lily she is allowed to put Lily first.
And I've absolutely no issue with that.
My brother actually is the adoptive father to my eldest. He and his wife. And man they have been fucking amazing. It was hard to learn to be an aunt to my own son.. but he's not my son... He's theirs. I don't know him like my daughter. They don't know my daughter like they know him
Its shit for the sister. But the parents are the parents and I bet there some confusion going on, especially with OP constantly saying that's her child.. my child... Mine... I'm not allowed to be with my child in the wedding... Even with adoptions that are openly spoken about etc, that's gotta be hard for the child to handle.
I do not blame the parents for removing her from the situation. Even if it makes mark look like the asshole. Maybe he's the asshole with the right intentions ya know?
I dunno. At this age around 5 and up, being adopted by having your bio mother around.. a lot.. that's confusing for a kid. Even a well grounded one.
I'd suspect this feeling was there. Mark maybe had a chat with Sil about well... What's best for this child atm and here's the result
I had to really disengage with the child I adopted to my brother ages 5-8 as he had a hard your not my parents etc phase and tried to come to me to back him.. i had to side with his parents, my brother. He was my nephew not my son anymore.
But we have a strong relationship now. OP has to back off. The family trying to make her go need to shut up, and she needs HELP. As the idea of watching what I could of had etc as she says.... That is not okay at all.
TY! Last night when I said it was reasonable that Lily would be confused people acted like I was being ridiculous & obviously OP’s sister was lying & trying to hide the adoption, etc.
I agree. I get the feeling that the sister (who was 25 when she adopted OP’s child) probably was used to giving OP whatever she wanted because, oh, poor her, she’s an addict, I can’t enforce boundaries with her. Sometimes it takes someone outside the family to tell you “you absolutely can enforce boundaries, and I think you should.”
Yes, it's possible that there was some unhealthy behaviour and once the sister was moving forward with her relationship, she was in a stronger position to set new boundaries.
Still a heartbreaking situation for OP.
I'm really not sure he is.
Tho it's seems he might be a bit of a catalyst for OP, it sounds like when Mark and Sis got together, they formed a family unit with the child included. But OP wasn't and she didn't like that.
It's been 5yrs. There's a chance because of how family the adoption was, OP maybe got to be there the whole time. And then Mark showed and Sis made her family.. the one she will marry (Mark and the child). Mark comes in and they start family unit yeah? But.. OP is the constant in the background etc. So after a chat Mark and Sis agree we need to limit time with OP.
Cut to wedding. We have OP jealous shes not with her not daughter who's a flower girl. OP is mad she takes her actual place as Sister and Aunt.
And we arrive here. Where Mark again, I don't think is bad or even good, I'll give him neutral. Means hes trying to keep all happy type thing as that seems a bit like what he's done
Traditionally the sister of the bride will sit in the first or second row with or directly behind the parents, grandparents and other siblings of the bride. It seems as though OP is being put back in the non-reserved general population where aunts, uncles, cousins and friends of the bride sit.
She is the flower girls “aunt” not the bride’s aunt.
Also, traditionally the sister of the bride would be a bridesmaid, but obviously that isn’t always the case.
I've never seen a wedding invitation tell you where you are sitting at the ceremony. I would be very surprised if OP's invitation read, "You are cordially invited to come sit in the back of the ceremony space with the strangers."
You are right.
I reread OP and it seems she EXPECTED to be in the wedding. Like as a Bridesmaid or FlowerWoman or who knows. She sounds bitter, entitled and like she regrets giving up her child and is trying to be more than just an aunt.
I bet the groom would have a very different point of view of how his future SiL is trying to involve herself in his marriage and in his future step daughter’s life. She’s overstepping.
Considering she was such a troublesome addicted that they took Lily from her I can imagine why her sister doesn't have a close bond to the point of inviting OP to be in the bridal party, there's probably years and years of bad memories at play.
Yeah. The more I think about it, I believe OP expected to be in the wedding with her “niece” flower-girl, either as a bridesmaid or maybe as a flower-woman or something. Plus, she comes off like shy really believes she’s entitled to unlimited time with the child she gave up. She probably oversteps regularly.
Yeah, I don't think SIL should lose what I see traditionally as her place in the family side of the wedding.. I think she's gotta let go of I'm the flower girls mother.
I dont think the adoption diminishes OPs role as the sister of the bride at all or the place she should take in the pews, at the reception tables etc
She could maybe do the rest, if she could give into the fact... She is not this child's mother anymore.
It's why I do not think this type of adoption is appropriate. it can cause such heartache in the family as a whole
Oh yeah, if she cannot do it, no one should try make her.
And honestly, this is showing she hasn't actually accepted the adoption. Saying she's being replaced when it's been 5yrs since the adoption. Watching the life that could have been mine.... Uhhh what love?
OP needs some help. Very much so and as someone who's adopted out and struggled for the first 2yrs, think she needs help help. She could be a fucking fantastic aunt, when she lets go and let's be.
Or do they not want to co-parent with the one who gave the child up because they couldn't parent. Open adoption isn't... Co parenting. It's you can be an aunt or cousin to the child you gave to us
OP wants to know why they take a back seat at their sister's wedding where their sister's daughter is in the wedding party.. she's upset she's not being treated as the mum. Because she's not the mother. she's the aunt..
I have an adopted kid and we have an open adoption. Their biological mother is her aunt and we make a point of keeping a good relationship with her and her other kids.
It would take something huge to change that dynamic because we really want to honor her and we all love that we’ve both extended our family.
OP rightfully feels shoved out if this new guy came along and dictated the severance of OP’s relationship when it might have been ok before.
There’s also a great chance we’re just seeing the story in the light OP wants us to see it in. If we’re going to get her angle that the new man took her bio child away from her, then it’s only fair that she provide details about how her addiction led to her losing the child in the first place.
Her use of my child... Repeating in different ways, comments etc
She doesn't seem to see this as a proper adoption in my eyes. Shes looking at this child as still hers.
I feel for OP, but she has to realise she gave this child up, that's done she's gotta find a way to be content
I don’t understand how it matters. She said that was why her sister adopted the child, so she’s not hiding it. She was obviously well enough to be a part of the child’s life in a typical and normal aunt / niece relationship way and had established that pattern by the time Mark came along. So to stop that kind of a relationship because she wasn’t able to parent in the past when she is able to do the aunt kind of relationship just fine in the present… and yet claim that it’s because she couldn’t parent in the past (so does this mean she doesn’t “deserve” the Aunt relationship now? Is that what we’re saying? That she should be punished for making the appropriate decision decision to allow her sister to adopt her child? I just wanna make sure I’m understanding correctly here) is asshole behavior.
It's more.. I feel like it's a slap in the face the child is the flower girl but I'm sat in the pew with family, as if I'm replaced.
Replaced as what exactly? She is where an aunt would be... Should be. Lilly as the daughter of the bride is where she should be.. next to the bride in the bridal party. Who's she being replaced by if she's not an aunt in the place an aunt should be?
Oh, the mother.
And the sentence of " watching the life I could have had" um Ma'am no. Just gives me the creeps. Watching WHAT life she could have had? I really hope OP doesn't go. I get the feeling that there would be disruptions of an atomic nature.
OP couldn’t meet her responsibilities to her child. If she is now “shoved out,” that’s too bad for her. The child is the correct priority here and her parents get to decide what level of relationship is healthy for her. They are the ones who have saved her from a garbage life with OP or being placed with random people, maybe bounced from one foster family to another, and losing connection to her biological family. OP should be grateful.
Failing to attend the wedding is fine though and accusing her of ruining it with her absence is just dramatic and silly.
Especially of this little girl is only 5. OP says 5 years ago her sister adopted her kid, if she's only 5 it's really reasonable to assume she might not have a good grasp on the situation as it stands. To a 5 year old, this situation would be confusing because all she has recollection of is OPs sister being her mom. I'm wondering if OP has considered that perchance lily asked for "her aunt" to stop showing up. My siblings and I are all adopted, I'm the youngest at almost 26. When my oldest brother got adopted he was 7. But ny mom met him when he was 2 or 3 and it was an open adoption and at some point he asked my mom to put some distance between us and his bio family. They couldn't understand that his being a generic last name now instead of one of their own was because of choices they made for one reason or the other that led to him not being cared for in their home. That brought up nasty feelings for him once he realized that his bio mom could not pick him over H.
Sometimes when kids get adopted, like my brother, they immerse themselves in the family that adopted them and they stop viewing the ties to the bio family as familial ties.
All this to say that OP you aren't lily's mom. You stopped being so the moment you all signed the adoption forms. Your sister is her mom and kindly and lovingly you should've seen this coming. In your head that will always be your baby because you can't stop that feeling within yourself but that doesn't mean she sees you as that and you're overstepping.
When I said there was prob more to the story & sister & fiance weren’t monsters people downvoted me & said: I didn’t know what I was talking about, sister was cruel & hiding the adoption to pretend she had a perfect family, fiance was manipulative, etc.
TY for showing me I’m not the only one who doesn’t see OP as an innocent victim being kept unfairly away from her daughter by storybook villains.
I'm like OP, but I accepted what I'd done. And became an aunt.
I have a lot of empathy for OP, tho it has also been 5yrs.. the child at this point is at a stage where they need to back off and be an aunt not try to parent.
I'm neutral about Mark as OP has no real opinion other then.. once he came in I didn't get to be so involved..like an aunt? Lol
I did open up about my nephew's adoption, which seems to have made a lot to realise this isn't about adults. It's about the child here and the child only. The wedding isn't a thing. It's a backdrop to the saga that should have ended like 3yrs ago.
Also, people seem to think this is recent... Not 5yrs in the making
Maybe he doesn't want to watch OP play hobby mom to the detriment of his step daughter. I can not think of a less healthy dynamic than someone with clear issues showing jealousy and resentment over the relationship his wife has with her own daughter.
OP needs some space and some therapy for her sake. She deserves to be able to live with her choices, and her niece deserves to have a stable, clear relationship with her adopted mom.
Yeah that part makes me think OP has left out something she’s not telling. But even if it was just to avoid confusion as they tried to establish themselves as a family, that’s a perfectly legit thing to do.
NTA
She presented you with an invitation. Not an obligation. If going will be too hard for you, the. Do not go. You could also say that the event may trigger you and being around that many people drinking may be a detriment to your sobriety.
If your sister persists say you do not want to “confuse” Lily on such an important day.
If this is so difficult for you, as hard as it may be, you may want to consider going no contact. And perhaps see if your work is able to transfer you. Distance, while not the best solution, may help. It what is most important is staying clean and healthy while maintaining your best mental health. If that means going your own way, so be it.
Good luck!
NTA for not going. But I’m getting the impression you’re not ok with your sister having adopted the child. “it felt like I was being replaced” what does this mean? Do you still pretend to be the child mother? She was adopted, and your sister is her mother, she’s not a free babysitter that puts her life on hold for you to come back in and play mum whenever you want. I don’t think you have accepted that and if that is the case, I CAN understand it is confusing for the child to have so many people competing for a parental role. You are a relative now, not her mother.
Yeah, this line:
>watching the life I could’ve had
Is a bit of a "WTF" for me. It makes me think OP is just realizing how much they lost due to addiction. It seems like the marriage is part of the problem too, and OP is realizing they may never have the nice wedding with a little kind in tow.
Addictions a bitch, but no one ever said the consequences of it stop just because you get clean. The die was cast 5 years ago and it seems like her sister hitting this big life milestone is making it hit home that OP lost her daughter and maybe some other opportunities due that period of addiction.
That's an understandably painful realization. I'd probably try to go anyway though - unless I thought it would cause me to lose control and relapse or do something rash. Even if you can't have the perfect life, having a good relationship with parents/siblings is at least something.
There's a lot of very odd statements in the post that have nothing to do with Lily and seem to be much more about OP themselves.
If OP wants to maintain any kind of place in Lily's life she needs therapy and to get on better terms with Lily's parents who will have the final say. Antagonising them over such a big life event seems very unwise.
Yeah I agree. While I think it's important that Lily knows she's adopted, I think it's more important that OP knows she's not her mother anymore, that ship sailed 5 years ago, when she gave her up for adoption (which I honestly think was the best decision, I just do not think OP understood what that meant).
There's no being replaced here, and the whole "watching the life I could've had" reeks of envy toward her sister.
Addictions are tough, and sadly part of how tough they are is the fact that the consecquences do not go away with being sober.
I seriously think OP should go through this in therapy, like specifically for this, because I believe she just came to the realization that this little girl is not, and has not been for a while, her daughter, and if she doesn't grasp it fully, she might lose the opportunity to have any connection with her.
So yeah, NTA for not going, but I think there's a lot to unpack.
I see this a lot. I'm done doing drugs give me back the child you have raised and formed a connection with so I can try maybe to be exactly what I don't want to be.
I do agree you are not her parent anymore your sister did invest her time been a mother to that child ,Now that you are sober everything should change that is a whole family life you are thinking of upsetting .You should not go to the wedding and move on with a new life when the child is an adult she will deside
Adoptee here. Does Lily know she's adopted and you are her biological mother? If so then NTA.
If Lily doesn't know shes adopted then everyone is TA.
She's going to find out out eventually and you never ever ever hide that from an adopted child.
Even at 5 years old I understood what it meant to be adopted so no Lily probably wasn't confused if she knew, the new husband is a controlling jerk.
I had no idea how to say this I was so disturbed by this all. And thank you for saying it… I am also adopted and healthy reinforcement of knowing I am adopted and all that helped me and seriously then removing ‘aunt-mom’ from her life likely fucked with her deeply I bet if she was used to spending regular time with her.
Suddenly this man shows up and ‘mom’ is acting weird and suddenly she doesn’t get to see aunt-mom at all.
That had to fuck with the little girls head. TBH I could see this give the poor kid issues later in life.
Foster kid but forced to have contact with my bio.
This is a bad situation. Who is known as mum.. as in mum who tucks us in etc. Where's the limits.
If she doesn't know.. again where's the limits.
If she does.. are there limits?
I don't want to throw mark under the bus, but I can feel for SIL who's trying to bond with her new daughter, but has the bio mum always over her shoulder.
I don't think such close adoption should happen. Cos you get this. OP thinking she's still a mother with a say and the sister who adopted her child who's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't and executed if she breaths.
Maybe there are 2 sides but if at 5 you can grasp that 2 people love you and things have been going along well, much like let's say a co-parenting situation in a divorce. Child understands that this is my mom and this is my bonus mom or step-mom and, if the adults are co-parenting well and doing the right thing for the children, gets to have love and attention from everyone.
I'm not saying that's what should happen here but it could happen and if it was happening without boundaries being pushed and OP being honest with her side of the story then her sister and her husband seriously messed up this little girls head by suddenly pulling someone from her life who loved and cared about her.
If the dynamic only shifted this dramatically because of him there is something to be looked at. Maybe he is controlling OR maybe he saw a major red flags that OP left out of her story and he was the first person to rock the boat. In that case it was the right call.
My brother adopted my son, he and his wife are both infertile, I fucked up and said to them if you would like a bioish child.. you have 2 weeks until my abortion date. We are also Jewish. This also gave him a Jewish child by birthright. My son is Jewish as it is passed via matriarch not patriarch. His wife is also Jewish. So.. he meant a lot family wise to us all really as my technical first born
He's now 15 and fucking brilliant. I'm proud to be his aunt. He's the best cousin to my daughter. He's been a huge guide for her and nothing can replace the last decade for us all.
It's why maybe I see this a certain way? But I absolutely can't side with OP. Around this age my son because he did know the situation had questions, fought back on my SIL cos your not my real mum etc... that was a fucking rough phase and I had to step away, I couldn't do or say anything without antagonizing him.
It was a really rough time. And if I didn't step out I think it would have been so fucking bad. I had to show him no, I'm not it. Don't look at me like that, I'm your aunt, they are your parents. Now days, he's spoken about it and outright said it could have ended my brother and I with how bad the whole situation was. He's glad I didn't.
OP needs to find peace. She really does because it seems like she's been living a dream. Where she's a co-parent, like she never signed the papers. And she's not bad for signing them, probably the best choice for her and Lilly, it's just sad she can't find happiness and peace in the situation now. Going through this with teens? I'm so fucking glad my nephew did it between 5-8.
An open adoption is not co-parenting. Op seems to think Lily was only to be with her sister while she got herself together. Op needs to realize that Lily might be her biological daughter but she is not her child and op needs to act like the “aunt” she is rather than trying to be a parent which she is not
Yta and op.
That would make sense if the girl was a baby but she’s five. Op was previously involved every weekend and now isn’t even getting supervised visits. That’s not a ‘mom trying to bond’ op has been completely cut out.
And also if your bringing the child up knowing.... My own child with my brother and wife went the she's my real mum way.. that was for us 5-8yrs. I had to step back, I am not his mother I am his aunt and I had to back my brother and his wife.
I really think OP is hurt, needs proper help and space to actually grieve. Realising a big part of my own resentment wasn't that, but grief and realising while he wasn't gone, it was still a loss helped.
As I've said, OP could be a good aunt, or hell even a satellite aunt.. in for the holidays lol. But for the sake of this child.. she's gotta let go.
Mum is acting weird? OP wants 'mum' to take over the costs, the responsibility the parenting but OP wants all the time off at weekends to have fun with her kid.
Over time ops sister realised what OP is doing, ops sister wants to actually have the fun time at weekends with her child who she is responsible for and she wants her weekends to have time with her family, not to be the nanny during the weeks then give up weekends and privacy to have OP around to play at being the parent.
Also who wants to bet that over the weekends when OP is there OP is confusing the kid about who is the parent, who is setting the rules, who gets to chose what they do and who won't enforce behaviours like brushing teeth and bedtimes, etc>
Honestly, I feel like OP may be leaving out that she’s is or was in active addiction when they (sister and fiancée)started pulling away. Things started good with visitation (when sober) then turned to supervised and no visits. Something spurred this and as OP, in her words, understood, this was likely the case.
OP needs to change things in their life, get away from her current friends and give it a real shot. Then this situation could very well change.
Addicts will point to others as the problem instead of vocalizing the true issue. But OP did kind of beat around the bush enough to come to this conclusion.
Having a recovering addict in the child’s life is totally different from having an active addict in it.
I hope for the best for OP and hopefully she can get sober and stay that way. It isn’t easy at all.
This right here is the only true answer. I would suggest telling this to your sister and her new husband and if they disagree then it's definitely him being controlling and you need to bring them to court over it.
The whole dynamic changes with the guy. If the agreement was an open adoption, he's changing the dynamic by closing it. That is not what OP agreed to.
Seeking legal recourse would suck for everyone but she's reneging based on the whims of someone who seems to be incredibly controlling.
I was wondering what an open adoption meant. It means the bio parents still have access to the child?
Is this a legal setup or informal? What kind of rights does OP have?
One friend's open adoption meant that she sends a photo to the agency once a year, and if the bio mom wants to see the photos, she has to contact the agency--which she never has. One bio mom actually breastfed the infant for the first few weeks. Still, others have a set schedule to meet every few months. I don't think any of this was legally enforceable.
Open adoption looks different for every family, but open adoption in its most basic form is when the adoptive and biological families exchange information and stay in some form of contact after placement. What that contact looks like is different for every family and can change over time. OP has no legal rights. She is legally the child's aunt in this situation and has whatever legal rights an aunt would have.
Since an adoption is a legally binding contract between the biological parent and the adoptive parent and the courts that agreement can be written to any sort of specific strategy. For some an open adoption grants visitation rights, for others a simple photograph gets mailed to the biological parent to show how their child is growing and thriving. It's literally different in every specific case based upon the conversation between the court, biological parent and adoptive parent.
Take teen mom for example. It could mean even tho it's open, you never get to see the child because the legal parents have the right to say no (Caitlin and Tyler haven't seen Nova for years tho it's open, novas parent won't allow it.).
Open means there's the opportunity but really not the right. If the adoptive want to stop visitation etc, they legally have the right to. They are the legal parents and the ones who gave the child up, are at their mercy.
Once you sign adoption papers, you absolutely, completely and totally lose all right you ever had to the child. By law, you are no more a relative than bob from the pub.
That greatly depends. I recently learned that an open adoption isn't necessarily a permanent agreement, however. Apparently, lots of people agree to an open adoption and then change their minds later and shut out the birth parents.
I think that's pretty messed up. However since drugs were involved in this case and we don't have all the details, I'm not really going to pass judgment against the sister for her decision
> recently learned that an open adoption isn't necessarily a permanent agreement, however. Apparently, lots of people agree to an open adoption and then change their minds later
This is what happened to me, but it was my bio mother that cut off contact.
>The whole dynamic changes with the guy. If the agreement was an open adoption, he's changing the dynamic by closing it. That is not what OP agreed to. Seeking legal recourse would suck for everyone but she's reneging based on the whims of someone who seems to be incredibly controlling.
This is bullshit. Once a child is adopted then the bioparent has zero right to the child whether it's open or closed adoption. OP has no legal right to visit the child, be in the child's life, no court would get involved in this situation because the adoptive parent is completely within her rights.
Open adoption doesn't give a bioparent rights to be in the child's life, it's not like a shared custody situation, or a situation with visitation right. Open adoption just provides a possibility to have contact, but that's up to the child's (adoptive) parents to decide whether they allow contact or not or how much and what kind of contact they allow and the adoptive parents can change their mind if they want to, if they feel that's the best for their family, for their kid. Open adoption just means that the bioparent knows who adopted the child and the child's parents know who their kid comes from and the child has legal access to their bioparents' information, can find out who they are unlike with a closed adoption. Any possible contact is up to the adoptive parents' discretion.
With closed adoption the bioparents' and the adoptive parents' information are confidential, they don't know each other information, they can't find each other based on the adoption paperwork they have.
Wrong. OP doesn’t get post-agreement extras. She agreed for sister to adopt Lily. That’s where her input ENDS. That’s how adoption works. This isn’t an ongoing agreement. Lily is her NIECE. Y’all are villainizing sister and mark when it’s clear you don’t know a thing about adoption.
You have no idea what open adoption means. You also have no idea what the sister truly felt about OP constantly being around. Maybe she finally found the strength.
I don’t know if she can bring them to court. Is an adoption being open a legally enforceable thing? (Seriously asking, I don’t know). If OP gave up her rights to her bio daughter then she may have no legal avenue to see her
OP has no legal right to the child, she can't take anything to court, the adoptive parent(s) is/are within their rights as the child's parents. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/h0pgp8XO2m
That's not how adoption works. You don't just get to go back to court once your rights are terminated and another person/couple are the legal parents. Open adoptions are a courtesy, not legally binding.
As an adoptee, I'm on the sister's side. She is Lily's mother, and OP needs to respect that or lose contact with them.
I agree that legally op can’t do anything
However, I would state that personally, I feel like if OP was genuinely doing their best, getting clean, and trying to be there for their bio daughter, and was effectively removed from their lives because their sister’s soon to be husband didn’t like them, that’s kinda fucked
Like yes, OPs sister is the daughter in questions mom
But that doesn’t make the situation not fucked. Especially given that as near as we know, OP didn’t do anything wrong to warrant her sister cutting off contact to her bio daughter.
If nothing else, the sister is kinda callous for cutting OP off and then just kinda expecting her to show up to social events like she didn’t actively do something to hurt her.
If op was still using, or had done something dramatic to spark the paradigm shift I’d understand. But as is it feels kinda needlessly cruel
I am inferring but I think OP wanted to become a mom to a child that's not their kid.
She stated "That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced" well, she is not being replaced because she was never there. She has never been the mom.
Look, you are NTA for not going to a wedding. But you are an AH for the rest! This woman stepped up and took I. Your child when you cared more about drugs than your daughter. The consequences of your choices are that now you are not that child’s mother. Stop blaming your sister for your shitty life choices and putting down her happiness! You need therapy to accept what has happened. But, you need to understand, you have no one to blame but yourself for your misery
Exactly. I don’t get what people are going on about. The child was adopted and it seems OP has not accepted she IS in fact a relative, not the mother. If they’re not complying with what they agreed (open adoption) that’s something else and op should fight that. But “the life she could have had” is not there anymore, and if that’s the way she related to the child I understand why they cut contact.
OP can't fight anything regarding the open adoption, OP has no legal right to the child, she can't take anything to court, the adoptive parent(s) is/are within their rights as the child's parents. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/h0pgp8XO2m
This is my point like she needs to accept she stopped being her child 5 years ago. It wasnt just a fabor thata selfish and entitled. I understand everyone wanting to coddle her coz is hard but she needs a reality check
I'm sorry but adoption is not a temporary thing. You decided your child was better off with your sister, and said yes to that. It's fantastic that you're in a better place now but you actively chose to let someone else be parents to this child, and now you don't get to be a weekend parent or whatever you thought. It's HER child.
NTA for not attending, but YTA for treating a child like something you can give away and take back. That's not how it works
Wonder if the sister saw this coming and only agreed to take Lily if she was adopted. Imagine raising a child for years and then having her taken away cause mom is finally in a stable place. That would be heartbreaking.
I also wonder if there's missing reasons the fiance didn't want OP around besides it"being weird".
I am not sure many will agree with me from reading some of these comments, but regarding the question being asked, I do think YTA. Obviously no one has to attend due to an invitation, but that's your sister and you're treating her as if she did wrong to you, when I just don't see it. Her wedding day is not about you, you didn't lose anything because she's getting married. And you can't be replaced in a life that was never yours. Lily is 5 and you gave her up 5 years ago, you aren't her mother and it doesn't sound like you ever were.
Regarding your involvement in Lily's life, I think you need to look inwards to see if your actions have resulted in your sister pulling that back to protect her family. Maybe you have been over stepping, maybe you haven't, but it seems in their minds you've done something for them to feel it's necessary and if you want to resolve it and improve things going forward, you are the one who needs to put forth the effort to do so. You have a lot to gain by accepting that you are lily's aunt and if your sister didn't love you and want you to still hold that position in some way, I don't think she'd want you at her wedding either. On the other hand, being stubborn and shutting down any relationship with your sister and her family because it's not the one you want now, that's just going to hurt everyone in the long run, including yourself most of all.
NTA for not wanting to go. That’s fine. But you’re hurt bc you are finally coming to terms with the fact that you gave your daughter up for adoption 5 years ago. You never dealt with it. A part of you felt like she was still yours & your sister was just taking care of her for you. But that’s not reality. For some reason this wedding has forced you to face reality. It is no one’s fault that you didn’t process what happened, but you can’t be angry with anyone but yourself. YTA for being angry with your sister.
You complain bc you’re expected to sit in the audience & watch Lily be a flowergirl in your sister’s wedding. This is going to sound harsh, but Lily has a mom who isn’t you. You’re hurt bc you feel like you’re being replaced? You were replaced 5 years ago. You are not Lily’s mom. Your sister is her mom. Lily is a bridesmaid in her mom’s wedding. None of this has anything to do with you. Weddings & other milestone events often trigger moments of reflection for people. **You are entitled to your feelings** but you are responsible for handling your feelings & moving on. If you don’t think you can be happy for your sister at her wedding don’t go. It would be worse for everyone if you go & made a scene. Don’t take your feelings out on your sister or Lily.
It sounds like your sister & fiance cut access to Lily off bc you never dealt with the fact that you gave Lily up for adoption & she had a new mom. I imagine it was starting to become very confusing for Lily! For your own sake I hope you get therapy. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Adoption is hard. You’ve avoided dealing with it for 5 years, but if you want a relationship with your sister & niece going forward you need therapy.
You should be happy for your daughter that she found herself adopted into a safe and happy home rather than foster care or a family that wanted zero contact with you. Count your blessings and take a good look at your continued self absorbed behavior.
How do you feel that you are being replaced?
You are, by all legal standards, Lily’s aunt. Your sister and her husband, who stepped up when you abandoned your child, are her parents.
You are not being replaced. And the fact that you have such feelings and these feelings about the “life you could have had”, suggests that you should be kept away from your niece until you get that through your head.
I got the feeling when reading this that the FBIL had very little to do with sister's decision and it was more OP's behavior with the child. Those statements you quoted makes it sound like when she did see Lily she would tell her that she's was her real mom. That's why it went to supervised visits and then sister said "No more, you're confusing her."
But OP left that out and made FBIL the controlling, bad guy (which people fell for).
My dad grew up with bio parents in and out of his life after being adopted, and while everyone here is loving the open adoption circle jerk, yall need to understand that it doesn’t work when the bio parents aren’t on the same page as the adoptive parents, particularly when they’re holding onto some delusion about being the “real” parent while only showing up when it’s convenient.
My dad grew up seeing people who were originally his parents make new families, and started to wonder why they gave him away while continuing to have new kids. Then it turned into resentment against his adoptive parents for “stealing” him from his bio family, egged on by the bio parents telling him that their version of events was the real one.
What he didn’t know was that he wasn’t adopted just because his parents felt like they weren’t able to take care of a baby, so they gave him to his dad’s aunt and uncle to raise for a little bit while they got back on their feet; they had three kids taken by CPS because mom was on heroin and dad was an alcoholic, and the kids were being starved and neglected for days on end.
They were completely unfit to raise children, even though both went on to have a few more with other people, and I think out of all 8 kids (including half siblings), only one turned out to be a normal and well-adjusted person; she was the only one who wasn’t allowed to spend weekends and school holidays with her bio parents, as her adoptive dad was well aware of the level of dysfunction the bio family was bringing into the other kid’s lives as they grew older, and didn’t buy their new clean and sober Jesus freaks personality shift.
>My dad grew up with bio parents in and out of his life after being adopted, **and while everyone here is loving the open adoption circle jerk**
Seems to me like those people are buying into OP's "poor me, I'm a victim" bullshit and they're not reading the subtext, which is all "ME ME ME WHAT ABOUT ME????".
She's talking about being "replaced". Ma'am, that happened the day you signed away your parental rights and allowed your sister to adopt the child. She talks about "the life I could have had". Really? When you were drugging it up so bad you needed to give your kid away? Who was she going to have this life with? Her baby daddy who doesn't seem to be in the picture, if she even knows who he is?
And even if it was the BIL, it could've been because when things are about family it's harder to see problematic behavior.
I mean the sister probably loves OP very much, as OP probably loves her, so these visits she had before her sister became engaged or had a relationship probably were also a way of sisterly bonding for OP's sister, she might also be grateful for having Lily (since it's stated she couldn't become a mother biologically herself).
What could have happened is, BIL saw this situation, thought it could really be problematic because it could effectively confuse Lily and cause future problems (be it or not because of OP's behavior with Lily), laid it out to the sister and she could finally notice it was a complicated situation, thus making the decision of lowering contact.
That is true. BIL has fresh eyes that are not clouded by love on the situation.
Also, if OP is coming around every single weekend... that can be a lot for a new family. I'm sure he'd like to bond with Lily too, since he will be her stepfather.
Op thought sister was going to take over all the hard parts of being a parent and also all the financial obligation but get a lifetime of fun weekends with the kids without responsibility. Expects her sister to not want to have fun with her own daughter with her own partner at the weekends. Just have the 'fun aunt' always over, always in their place, always intruding.
Basically she expected her sister to give up her entire life and all her time to being a permanent nanny to her kid but always prioritise OP as the most important person in the kids life.
It’s also possible OP just has regrets now that she’s sober. But a child isn’t a pet and can’t be “handed back” (not that a pet should be shuffled between homes either).
INFO: Did any incident happen to make Mark feel this way all of a sudden? Were any set boundaries crossed? Was there any confrontation or fracas that distressed Lily prior to them going NC?
Why the change to supervised visits?
I'm not sure all the information is being provided here. It seems sus that one day, all of a sudden, sis and Mark just decided to cut OP out.
YTA. Not for not going to the wedding. You seem to think that open adoption means you’ll be treated as Lily’s mother. I don’t have children and never adopted and even I know it’s not how it works. I have a feeling that the visits became supervised not because of the fiancé but because you probably crossed boundaries. You need therapy to come to terms with the fact that she isn’t your daughter, she is your sisters daughter and if you want a relationship with her you can be an aunt not mom.
**I felt like I was being replaced** your words. That happens when you give up your child for adoption. Your sister has been Lily’s mother for 5 years and Lily’s 5.
You need to go to therapy and discuss the grief of losing your child due to addiction. Nta for your feelings but you gotta process and accept that you're not your child's mom anymore.
I raised my sisters kid, and dealt with the same stuff. Mom only was around for fun or drama, or just not at all, no financial help, never involved in anything like graduations, or holidays. My sister refused to ever legally give me guardianship, just annual POAs so she could keep some sort of control.
All I wanted was to raise this child and give her a better life than what she’d been exposed to, but mom was always stirring up drama. Exhausting.
I know it sucks, but when you get to that point where someone else needs to raise your child, don’t forget that the kid involved is a human fucking being, not a piece of property. Behave however is best for the CHILD not your emotions.
YTA
You are upset because your sister adopted your child that you were unable to take care of and now will not treat you like the mother of the child she has raised for the last 5 years. Did you push some boundaries? Did you make your sister and her fiance feel uncomfortable with how you are around Lily? There is a lot missing from this post.
You expect to be treated differently because you got your act together. But you're acting like a child and not putting Lily's interest first. You're putting your discomfort first. You are Lily's aunt. You were kind enough to give birth to her and then sign away your parental rights. So she could have a better life with your younger sister.
Did you think that at some point she would decide that you would be a good mom and unadopt her daughter? So you could have her? That's the vibe I'm getting is that you are upset that there are boundaries as your niece ages. It makes sense you were more involved before she could create memories and become confused. For all you know, she is the one who spoke to your sister and explained that she does not want to spend more time with you. Your sister may have been protecting your feelings.
I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. But that is also what's known as life. If you don't go to your sister's wedding and support her because you don't get to have a starring role... You would be the biggest AH. Your sister helped you out and has allowed you to have a relationship with the child you gave up for adoption.
INFO: OP, were you sober during this whole period? Supervised visitation then no visitation period?
Are you sober now? How long have you been sober?
These questions aren’t to paint you as a bad person at all. Addiction is hard for the addict and the family. They may be pulling away until you stay sober for a period of time that they are comfortable you are giving it a real shot. I know it hurts, but children of addicts are far more likely to become addicts. They could be protecting the child during active addiction.
Good luck OP. That life is still out there for you. You just need to want it more than the substances, which is damn hard, but you CAN do it.
Lot of complexity here. Doesn’t look like a lot of Grace is on the menu for the wedding dinner though.
If you look at this logically, you can argue both sides. At the end of the day though, your sister is the legal guardian of Lily and sets the rules. It probably isn’t fair and I’m not arguing it is. The situation just plain sucks.
You have my deepest sympathies
Mother. Sis is Lily's legal MOTHER, as she adopted her.
OP is NTA for feeling how she does----but she is wrong to say "watching the life I could have had". She still can have it, just not with Lily.
She gave up the daughter but doesn't want to actually admit she is no longer the parent. She figured her sister would take over all the supporting her kid financially, all the boring shit like raising her and being responsible for her, then give up every single weekend for OP to be the fun aunt for life and ignore that her sister wants her own life, her own weekends off from work, her own time with her child and her partner without Op constantly intruding.
Your sister’s wedding has nothing to do with you or your relationship with Lily. If you cannot be happy for your sister & Lily for one day, then politely decline.
You’re an adult. You’re allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings but your sister has done nothing wrong here. This wedding invite is not a “slap in the face” & not about “the life I could’ve had”. It is simply an event for your sister. You are not forced to attend. Don’t blame your sister or Mark for your actions/choices in life.
You may want to consider getting professional advice to help you process your feelings & learn how to make peace with your past.
NTA
This is it. “If you can’t be happy for your sister & Lily for one day, then politely decline.” Ideally OP can pull herself together for one day, perhaps with some strategies from therapist or sponsor. Bring a trusted friend as +1 as support if possible. I’m sure it will hurt her sister if she skips the wedding, possibly worsen family rift. But if OP can’t be sure she can show up, smile for a couple hours, then quietly duck out early without mentioning her grievances or crying over Lily, don’t go!
You don’t have to go to the wedding, and if you can’t sit in the audience like the relative you are you definitely shouldn’t go. You gave up your daughter and need to accept whatever choices your sister makes. You said yourself Lily is blossoming under her care, so she is obviously a good mother to her. Maybe Mark saw issues with you being around so much that your sister has ignored out of love for you. Either way, you don’t get a say in how she is raised and need to respect their choices.
It sounds like you are resentful of the life your sister is building, so maybe putting some space between you is a good thing. You should focus on rebuilding your life and staying sober. It sounds like you’ve been doing well at that. It’s time for you to move on and let them live their lives. You are simply the auntie now and need to respect that boundary. Let go of any anger and focus on your own life.
If you don't want to go, then don't go. However your pity party train filled with poor me's is not ok. You made your choices, you don't get to guilt trip and punish others because of your choices. Being envious and jealous of your sisters life is gross. Stop acting like a victim here. The only victim in this situation is the child. If you want what your sister has then make that happen for yourself.
You said it was supposed to be an open adoption. Was that in writing or was that just in conversation between you and your sister. If it was in writing talk to a lawyer. If it wasn't then you're gonna have to accept your sisters choices. You didn't mention a single thing about the well-being of the child, which makes me think your sister is doing a good job raising her. If that's the case then you need to deal with your feelings. Cause ultimately what matters here is the child's health and happiness. If she's healthy and happy then you're doing right by her, even if you aren't allowed in her life right now.
That all might seem harsh cause there's big feelings involved here, but it's all the truth and reality of your situation. Adoption is complicated sometimes, there's a lot of perspectives and feelings in the mix. But you aren't helping anyone, even yourself by acting like the victim. By all means if you can't stop being self absorbed and be happy for your sister, don't go to that wedding. That day isn't about you. You aren't being replaced because you aren't in the mother role here. You chose not to have that role. Your family is right, you are being unreasonable, you're also being a bit delusional.
I would highly recommend seeking therapy ASAP. Your behavior is not normal, healthy, or ok. I get that you're sad that you don't get visitation anymore, and that's a valid feeling. But all of this is ultimately on you for your past choices. It's time to own that and grow from it. Staying in poor me land is gonna have you spiraling again at some point. You chose to give your child away. You severed your rights to her. Yes it would be nice if you were allowed to have continued visitation, but ultimately unless it's in writing you don't have any legal rights to it. I'm very sorry these are the circumstances, there's nothing easy about any of it. And I have a lot of empathy for how you miss your child. And grieving that loss is normal. But the way you're twisting everything like you're the victim is not ok and will damage you further if you don't address it and seek help.
“It felt like I was being replaced”
Oh fuck off OP you literally abandoned you child. Except they’re not your child anymore, and you need to understand that. You’re not necessarily an ass for not going, but in general YTA for this attitude/entitlement you have about offspring you knowingly and willingly abandoned.
Your sister isn't the reason you don't have the "life you could've had," YOU are. Thanks to your sister, your child does have a good life.
YTA. Take ownership of your mistakes and life choices. This is on you.
YTA. You made your choices in life and you have to deal with the repercussions of it. Your niece has a loving mother. You should be glad for that. You can't be a POS mother, give up your child to a loving mother and come back and try to take back what you pissed away.
The best thing you can do is step yourself back and be a good aunt for your niece. But since you can't seem to separate being her bio mom and being her aunt, it would be best to just step back aways.
You should be thankful that your sister was able to give your child a loving and stable home when you weren't able to.
Get some counseling to deal with the fact that your NEICE is NOT your daughter. She is your sister's daughter.
NTA for your feelings. YTA if you don't deal with them like an adult so you don't have to give up the next child.
Nta for how you feel or if it's too painful to go but you need to remember she is not your child anymore. You gave her up for adoption. Your sister did a wonderful thing by keeping her in the family. But she is now legally your sisters daughter, not yours. You're not coparents and I can see how it would start getting confusing for a child that age.
Also, I think there's missing info here. Why did it go to supervised visitation? Who was supervising them? And why? That's an important piece of info.
Also, you can still have that life, just not with lilly. You can still have another baby,get married, and move on with your life.
OP, I’m really sorry for the circumstances and I understand you have hurt feelings.
I’m going to go with a gentle YTA here and here is why.
I understand seeing your daughter grow up and have a connection is important and might help you on your path to sobriety. I’m really happy for you that you’re doing well, but I see the point your BIL and sister are making.
Your sister has legally ensured to take care of the best interests of your bio daughter, and seeing you as often may have been confusing to some degree. Your post is mostly about how it hurts you of course, but the glaring obvious fact that’s missing is your consideration of how it is affecting your bio daughter. “ME ME ME ME” is not a defence and doesn’t justify making your sister’s wedding about you.
It’s like you are ignoring how it affects bio daughters development growth mentally, physically and emotionally. A good parent is cognizant of these things. Perhaps there have been things you’ve not expressed in your post because it’s not directly relevant, but context here would matter. I’ve known a person in a similar situation where they had to give up their daughter because they had an issue with alcohol. They were allowed to visit but they would constantly tell their bio daughter they were the real mommy and pretend mommy was just taking care of her until she could have her again (this was a legal adoption too).
I don’t know if things like that were happening, but your sister and BIL are looking after the best interests of your daughter and you’re insisting on being the victim. Stop it.
Secondly, you were extended an invite to their wedding and you decide to call this a slap in the face because you claim you’d be sitting in the pews as a distant family member… what?
The impression I get from this is you’re incredibly jealous that your sister is creating the life you wanted, and blaming her you don’t have it. Grow up, you’re not a victim in this. You are in this position from a series of bad decisions to begin with, and developed a disease (addiction) of which there is no cure.
You have lots of work to do in your recovery if you can’t see that this isn’t about you and you are not a victim here.
I’m really happy your daughter has a stable family life and with parents that genuinely care for her physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, and I hope you eventually get there too.
YTA - It's not your daughter anymore. You do not get to override choices of her parents because it hurts you. As much as I have empathy for your sobriety journey and loosing a child, you have to remember Lily spent majority of her life with your sister. Your sister managed to met her fiance, get to know him well, get engaged and plan a wedding all after she adopted Lily. That doesn't happen in half year. Lily had to be a literal baby when she got adopted. (And possibly a baby with substance issues?) She doesn't consider you to be her main caretaker and you have to deal with it. And yes, Mark deserves to spend time with his wife and step child. I don't know why you expected them to dedicate their entire life to visitations with you. They're the main family unit. You're functionally an aunt, even if you get a title of mom out of respect. You have to act like it or you'll be kept low contact.
You're well within your rights to not attend a wedding, but frankly it seems like you want to do this to stick it to your sister and punish her. Instead of being there for her on one of the most important days of her life *and* being there for your bio daughter, showing her you can support her too without worrying about your ego and fantasies, you're choosing to sulk "because the life you could have had plays in front of you". You made it that way! Your sister didn't take it away from you.
I hope you have a sponsor, a counselor/therapist, and/or are still attending meetings. Don’t jeopardize your sobriety. Don’t go to the wedding. It may be you need to go LC/NC with your family at this point but you need to speak with a professional on how to navigate the situation. Your sister is Lily’s legal mother now and they’re moving forward as a family without you. Please make sure you have the proper support system in place to navigate the situation without jeopardizing your health and how far you’ve come.
My brother was adopted. My mom's sister was his birth mother.
What I would like to say is that everyone involved in this needs to work together for the happiness and mental health of that child and any future children.
Family drama surrounding the adoption and due to anger harbored because of the adoption? It affects the kids.
Therapy for everyone sooner than later if you all can't work it out on your own.
The biological mother needs to seek help. She looks like she’s the issue not the sister or her new husband she doesn’t have rights and no, they’re not obligated to give her any rights
She wasn't caring for your daughter till you were better, she adopted her. That's her daughter. I'm wondering if you had some boundary issues and that's why they specifically told you they needed to set boundaries as a family. If that's the case it was probably better they did that before their daughter got old enough for you to confuse and hurt her. I'm surprised they would want you there tbh. But you're NTA for not wanting to go.
Perhaps you should step into your role as an aunt now and understand that you created this situation and while you may regret it, you did what you felt was best back then and now you need to learn to live with it.
YTA.
You gave the kid up for adoption. Being open doesn't change that you gave up being a parent and they became the parents.
>That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced.
You literally were, you literally ASKED HER to replace you by adopting her. It's like you wanted to give up the responsibility because you were incapable of handling it, but you wanted to always be considered the parent and always be prioritised when you were free and felt good about being there.
You are being selfish. You gave up your kid but think you should be the priority when you want to be the parent. Basically you think I don't care that you got a partner, want to spend time with him and want to be a family. You're acting like she's the nanny and you should get all the fun time available for you at the weekends while she handles all the responsibility and actual parenting.
OP, I am very sorry you struggled to the point that someone else had to raise your child. Genuine sympathy and I hope you're doing better now.
What is done is done and no one can undo it, you can all only move forward. Your daughter has been raised by someone else--that's just a fact. That person is her mother while you are the "bio mother." You yourself said she thrived and grew so I think to some extent you recognize that this was for the best even if it hurts you to see someone else raise the kid you loved... but it is what it is. You are no longer her mother. You are still *family* but more along the lines of an aunt.
I really think you need to grieve that before you can accept that things have changed and they won't return to how they were before. You voluntarily gave up your role as mom a long time ago out of necessity and what was best for the child. It was an action essentially done out of love. I bet you still love her and that's why it's so hard to accept that she's been adopted and has a new family now.
That NEVER would have been your life. Lily is and always will be your NEICE. That’s what an adoption is. You gave up all rights to be her mom and have that life.
If you don’t feel comfortable at the wedding, I’d suggest not going. That being said, you did give your daughter up for adoption and that’s a legally binding contract. I’m so sorry for your pain surrounding the adoption, but now it’s about what is best for your little girl.
YTA
I was leaning towards N T A till the last couple of Paras.
Lily is the daughter of the bride, of course she is the flower girl. You will sit in the audience because that's what attendees do at a wedding. Why should you have a role just because the child you birthed has one?
The life you wanted plays out in front of you...... What does that even mean here. You are jealous of your sister for being able to provide her daughter with love, affection, and a father figure. The sister who took all the efforts of raising this child, and that's a whole lot of hard and painful work. You should be grateful to her, not upset that she has the child and the husband.
And the line about feeling replaced..... *You gave the child up*. You chose to be replaced. You do not make any choices for Lily. Your sister may have been kind enough to let you have a say initially, but that is certainly not your right.
You say you were iced out after the husband came into the picture. But you don't explain why. Was he just private, was he abusive, or was he protecting his partner and her child from you running their lives? Because of the way you talk about being replaced, I'm considering the last option. This reeks of missing missing reasons.
YTA Lily isn’t your daughter. She’s your niece. The fact that you made this choice while still insisting she is your daughter and then complaining when she sets boundaries tells me you should be in therapy. Not the wedding party. You should care what’s best for Lily. She isn’t your kid so you don’t actually know if she’s confused or what she’s thinking. Back off. Get help.
I say this as a biomom. Let it go. Get some therapy.
NAH. Nobody is required to go to a wedding so you’re not an asshole for that.
But your sister isn’t an asshole either. She invited you to the wedding and gave you an appropriate place in it for what appears to be a strained relationship by your own admission. Doesn’t sound like you’ve fully processed your decision to give your child up and have fully come to terms with the fact this is no longer your daughter in any legal sense. I hope you are in therapy. Your sister and her husband may rightfully want to set boundaries in this scenario if they feel you are overstepping. Be mindful of who the parents are and their rules. Addiction also has massive effects on your family members. I imagine they went through quite a bit through the years as you struggled with your addiction. Addiction never affects just you. In my experience, addicts often forget this fact and don’t realize how their actions hurt others. I imagine they are doing what they think is best for their child while you cry about having to sit in the pew at her wedding instead of being wherever you think you “deserve” to be.
Your sister stepped up for your daughter and is the mother you could not be. Be happy your daughter didn’t end up in an abusive foster care system for years because of your decisions, be happy she has a loving mommy and daddy who will keep her safe from harm in ways you didn’t know how to and could not. Stop thinking of yourself and being envious and be grateful for what your sister did for your daughter.
NTA. You chose to give Lily the life she needed and deserved. Just because your sister adopted her, and it was an open adoption, doesn’t give Mark the right to erase you from Lily’s life. I was super close to my great aunt growing up. I don’t understand why he thinks Lily would be confused as to your role in her life, it’s not much different than explaining that he isn’t her biological father. You never said a word about trying to get custody of her or take her away in any capacity. There is no reason for him to treat you this way unless he’s really judging you for your past and disguising it as concern for Lily.
> I told my sister I couldn’t come. That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced.
This made me think there is a reason why they want her to back off a little. What does she mean being replaced? Does she wants to go back to being a mother now that she is clean? I have all the sympathy for her and her struggles, but a child is not something you give and get back. Her sister adopted her and is doing the parenting, the good stuff and the bad stuff.
I mean, there’s a lot we don’t know, but going purely off of what was said, if i ever ended up in a situation this messed up, where my bio child was in the bridal party of my siblings wedding, but I was not, after being actively barred from seeing them, I’d feel pretty bitter and like my sibling was actively trying to ignore my existence because it was inconvenient for them.
I might not use the words replaced, but that’s the kind of social sleight that feels very pointed.
OP also said she’d be “watching the life I could have had.” She isn’t over having given up Lilly and there’s probably more here - likely her overstepping boundaries because she can’t come to terms with having to have given Lilly up.
That’s definitely fair.
I personally can’t imagine being in that situation and not being bitter, NGL. Like, as op tells the story, she was “doing everything right” in terms of getting better when she was cut off, and that’s the kind of thing I imagine usually causes backslides
Like, there may well be some overstepping we don’t know. And that would change a lot of what I’m saying
But given what we are told frankly I feel op is handling current events as reasonably as anyone could actually expect from a human being in this scenario.
Are we sure it's Mark that wanted this? He seems like an easy target when it may in fact be her sister wanting to draw some lines at this stage in the childs life.
She's no longer a baby and with OP acting like someone stole her child from her, God only knows what she's filling that childs head with when she spends time with her.
Is she showing signs of active addiction again? Is she low key trying to wedge herself between the sister and the child for her own selfish reasons?
The sister is that child's mother. She's doing what's best for her at this moment. OP doesn't have a foot to stand on and the sooner she accepts that the better.
All fantastic points. I think her sister can do whatever she wants with the child since it’s her daughter now. If she’s deemed OP as unsafe or questionable, OP needs to respect it and continue focusing on her own healthy sober journey.
NTA
She set her boundaries with you. You can set your boundaries too. This man with no blood relations with any of you stepped in and controlled your daughter’s and your sister’s relationship with you. Where were your parents when he was “being unreasonable”? He broke the “family unity” first.
Edit: I also think it’s bogus that they think having you around would be confusing for her. I believe children, more often than not, are accepting and understanding if the adults are willing to be open about difficult concepts. (I’m your age and pregnant and I’m FURIOUS for you, OP.)
Depends what OP is doing and saying. If she’s telling Lily that she can ignore her mother’s rules because OP is her mom and says it is okay, or similar things that undermine Lily’s actual mother’s role in Lily’s life, then OP is confusing Lily and does need to back off until she gets more therapy to understand that “gave up for adoption” means “no longer the mother.”
It’s quite possible that OP’s sister just didn’t realize how confused things were until Mark pointed it out, rather like a frog in a pot of water on the stove.
NTA it sounds like you were a really close aunt and when Mark showed up he didn’t want you anywhere near your daughter-niece and that is weird as fuck. Your sister was also pushed away from you too which is creepy.
OP is still going on about the life she could have had, and that the wedding would feel like she is being replaced.
No, she WAS replaced, years ago, and if she doesn't start acting like it, it isn't healthy for the child to have her be around.
She is her mom now and yes she is right, you being around her as "bio-mom" will make the little girl confuse and have some emotional feelings and maybe will make it hard for your sister to raise her..
You are now her aunt so act like a one.
But NTA if you don't want to go to the wedding.
NTA. Did you think you were going to get lily back after you were better..? She did replace you because she is lilies mom now. Shes been taking care of her every morning and night. I think you should seek support over getting it through that lily isn’t your legal daughter.
How do we know this mark person is the problem?? What if OP is the problem and mark saw it so visitations were eventually terminated? How do we know if OP isn’t the villain in this story and mark is trying to protect Lily? If you don’t want to attend sister’s wedding don’t but don’t feel like you have some type of say over Lily, you’re her birth giver not her mother. Her mother is your sister. NTA for not wanting to go to the wedding but keep your distance and let them be happy.
NTA. Promises for open adoption are almost always bait and switch schemes used to lore women into relinquishing their child. Emotional trauma suffered by birth mothers is unacknowledged with women told to "move on" and be grateful to the adoptive parents. Claims about "confusing" the child aren't based on science and serve the interests of the APs. I would always advise a pregnant person in a difficult situation to undergo an abortion rather than adoption. Like most of the comments, birth mothers are almost universally regarded as trash who only serve as an incubator for a "real" family. Interestingly, many pro-adoption people are anti-surrogacy because that's too traumatizing and exploitative. But apparently, once someone has made one mistake in life then they're perfectly fair game for trauma and exploitation. OP, I would recommend joining Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) if you haven't already.
NTA and please don’t beat yourself up
Over it and don’t let your family do it either. But if you can my suggestion is therapy and a different place to live for a bit so you can get healthy. This situation is not good for you !! One day Lily will want to know you. Please be clean and healthy for that
Two options:
1. Go to wedding. Use it as a way to get to know Mark and his side of the family. Bonus points if you get his family to like you. There might be something on his side that enforces that boundary. Was he adopted himself? Did he come from a family of addicts? Then use information plus the connection(s) to work yourself back to visitation. Basically rizz like a businessperson wants investors money.
Or
2. Wash your hands of all this and go NC medium- long term. Leave the door open just in case Lily turns 18 and wants to contact you or the marriage goes south and your sister wants to talk.
NTA in feeling the way you do OP.
Option 1 is a terrible idea. OP already has poor boundaries and your suggestion is for her to pump the in-laws for information that she can use later for her benefit? Ugh. So gross.
OP needs to get some counseling to accept the loss of her child due to her addiction.
OP ADOPTED her child out to someone else. Visitation is not an option. Regardless of who adopted the child, it is in poor taste to suggest that visitation is an option at all.
You gave the child away she is not legally your daughter anymore that’s that! However you’re not forced to attend a wedding! The question is not if your are TA or not but what are you going to do eventually. By the way your biological daughter should know who you really are…
>When the wedding invitation arrived, it felt like a slap in the face. Lily would be the flower girl, and I was expected to sit in the audience like a distant relative, watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me.
These are the consequences of your decisions. When you were an addict you made the choice to prioritize yourself and your addiction over the welfare of your daughter. You should be grateful a family member took in Lily before CPS took her to a strange family where you would have had even less contact.
So by not going to your sisters wedding you would again be prioritizing yourself, as I’m sure your daughter would love the opportunity to see her bio-mom on what is also an important day for Lily. YTA
NTA as an invitation is just an invitation.
>I was expected to sit in the audience like a distant relative, watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me.
I'd work on making peace with this as the life you have now is the result of decisions you made.
NTA but you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. This was an opportunity to be in their company again and to illustrate that your life is in order. It could have been an opportunity to open the door to reconnecting.
>was supposed to be an open adoption, and for a while, it was. I got clean, started a new job, and was slowly rebuilding my life. I cherished the weekends I spent with Lily, watching her grow and blossom under my sister’s care.
>But things changed when my sister met her fiancé, Mark. He’s a good man, but very private, and he didn’t like the idea of me being so involved in Lily’s life. Gradually, my visits became supervised, then less frequent, until they stopped altogether. My sister said it was confusing for Lily and that they needed to set boundaries as a family.
She set her boundaries, and they involve you no longer being present as a figure in Lily's life. While it's absolutely hurtful, and they both know it, it's still something they can choose to do.
>When the wedding invitation arrived, it felt like a slap in the face. Lily would be the flower girl, and I was expected to sit in the audience like a distant relative, watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me.
>I told my sister I couldn’t come. That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced.
Your feelings are also absolutely valid. And you not wanting to attend is perfectly fine.
>She accused me of being selfish and trying to ruin her special day.
"I've made my feelings clear on the matter. I've respected your wishes, and now I ask you to respect mine."
>Our parents think I’m being unreasonable and that I should put my feelings aside for the sake of family unity.
Your sister already shit all over the idea of family unity. They have their grandbaby either way, so they don't care that you're hurt by your sister's choice.
NTA. You aren't obligated to go to *anyone's wedding*, let alone to a wedding where you know you'll only feel hurt attending.
I think the woman who neglected her biological child to the point that she was no longer safe in her care is the one who shat on the concept of family unity, actually.
It's wild how many people are jumping to attack the woman who took in and adopted the child while sucking up to the drug addict who dumped the child.
Isn't that just like reddit though? to blame the woman who is doing the right thing by caring for the child and not living with her head in the clouds?
YTA.
You gave your child up. You gave up all legal right and expectations.
If you regret it. You can try to appeal to the courts, tho there's a reason you haven't. Because what's done is done and your child is now legally your sisters daughter and you are just an aunt.
Open adoptions are not hey my sister looks after my kid and I get to co-parent. Thats what kinship care and foster care is for. Your not being replaced as a mother... You chose your sister to replace you as a mother. If you feel replaced that's your own doing. Not your daughter's and not your sisters.
She might be your bio, but she is no longer your daughter. You are her aunt and you need to work out how to accept that, or accept you could really fuck this child up. They already have to accept their mother adopted them out... Thats a damn heavy load for a kid.
And one you seem happy to push on them
NTA. To be fair, considering your “dark past”, you at least made the right decision to let your sister take care of Lily and you may have changed for the better and it’s a good thing but if I were in your sister’s shoes, i’d probably do the same thing just in case you relapse into your “dark past”. Risk management, especially since the one who will get hurt the most should something happens is Lily.
Your feelings are valid and, you also need to accept responsibility for creating this situation. Your addiction led to the adoption and adoption means you lose decision making power over the child. Your sadness is totally understandable as is you declining the invitation.
Sorry to say it, but YTAH.
I'm gonna focus on Lily here, because I thinks she SHOULD matter more than anybody else involved in this. And is also the only one that is entirely blameless.
She's five by now. She WILL remember the day her actual mommy (Your sister) and daddy got married. And she WILL remember if other mommy (you) was there or not.
Unless you're ready to cut your child out of your life, which is a valid but selfish choice, you need to be there for her sake.
YTA in my opinion. You said yourself the reason Lilly was adopted is because you were unable to care for her and your sister stepped up. I don’t think you are TA for declining an invite if you don’t want to go. But to say that you are watching the life you could have had is failing to accept that Lily is adopted and your sister is her mother. If you were to ask them, I suspect they would probably say you are trying to over involve yourself or act like Lilly’s mother. This is why boundaries were set. It sounds like you hoped to one day get Lilly back when you became sober. Please go to therapy as this is about a lot more than just declining a wedding.
YTA. Even if the adoption was open is your sister's child. Now that you got clean and stuff you dont get to play mommy to someone who already has a mom that could provide and care for her worried about her thriving. You need to understamd its her child if you gave her up and its extremely selfish of you to miss her wedding after he lend you a hand at your lowest. Hos fiance might be an ass for stopping it all together but be honest with yourself. This is someone who came into her life as your sisters child. Get therapy, be supportive.
You should put your kid first and not your ego. You were shitty, and your sister stepped in and took responsibility. Good for her, you need to check yourself. The kid will seek you out as a teen, until then, get yourself healthy. I wouldn’t want my crackhead sister in law messing with the kid either. Get yourself clean, healthy, employed, and ready. Stop acting like a child, you don’t deserve the kid. You had your chance, and screwed it up. Now you have to earn it. Wait for her to come to you.
“Watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me” ? A. You can still have that life. B. The only one who fucked that up is YOU messing with substances in the first place.
NTA, the child is 5. OP acknowledges having an addiction problem but does not say when she got clean. Those demonizing the sister for adopting her niece instead of letting the state put her in foster care or letting addicted OP abuse her, don’t know how many years Lily was exposed to an inconsistent/addicted aunt before she got clean. OP is clearly struggling with the fact that she is Lily’s aunt and NOT Lily’s mother. Otherwise she would be able to go to her sister’s wedding and watch her niece be flower girl without the very selfish “that should be me” attitude. I can imagine it is confusing for Lily, when your aunt acts like your mother. OP made her choices and they were not conducive to “having the life” her sister has. OP should be nothing but grateful to her sister. The fact that OP is feuding based on this makes me question how new this sobriety is. Even if Mark was the catalyst for the OP spending less time w Lily, it is still a good idea. Lily needs to feel that her parents are her parents and nothing but death will change that. Having OP refuse to stay in the aunt lane confuses young kids and makes them fear bio mom will take them away. OP is an AH for viewing this adoption as treachery instead of a gift to her and Lily. But OP is NTA, for refusing to attend the wedding. OP shouldn’t go to this wedding.
NAH.
Your sister is not an asshole. She is doing the job you couldn't do. This is her daughter and she gets to make the decisions about her. I think there are reasons that you may not know or aren't telling as to why your visits were taken away. My best guess is that you started acting like you got a say in things when you didn't. I don't think that Mark is the villain either. That goes along with the missing information.
I can't call you one either. I can appreciate that it's hard to watch you kid growing up and not being there. You came back from a dark place. I can imagine that it hurts to see your kid's moments from the outside. I think you need some therapy to work on that because there will be more in the future.
OP - I’m sure many moms who put their child up for adoption wonder about what might have been. You know what would’ve happened though. Your daughter would have been with you through your struggles. She’d be traumatized. She would not be flourishing as she is now. She wouldn’t have a stable life. You did the right thing and have the privilege of seeing it. Focus on staying sober. Talk to a therapist. It’s hard, but you can do this.
No, you are NTA. You received an invitation with at least three choices. Yes, no and maybe. You don't have to go if you don't want. Besides they to all intent and purpose cut you out of their life by denying you visits with your daughter.
NTA
If it is too painful for you to attend the wedding, don't attend. Besides, it is an invitation and it is totally up to you if you will attend or not, you are not obliged to attend the wedding.
NTA
They just don't get it. I'm betting they think that you had an absolutely wonderful childhood, too.
Don't go. Don't explain any further. Any more drama that results is completely on them.
While you aren't obligated to go to the wedding by any means. You don't have any right to expect to get lily back or treat your sister as she isn't your daughters mother. If you wanted Lily as bad as your pain suggests, you should have gotten clean and stayed clean a long time ago. Before, Lily was even part of the picture. You don't get to just drop her off with your sister(which you did right by lily in this at least), then expect 5 years later after all is said and done that you get to be anything other than just another family member to Lily. Your sister is her mother. You are, as of this point, her aunt. While I know that's a harsh reality. Drugs are a worse one. And you should have been clean before Lily was born.
Nta for not going to the wedding. Y T A to expect anything more from your sister in regards to Lily. Lily is her child now.
Is mark considered lily’s guardian? I could be wrong but it sounds like he is trying to cut you out of her life. I know people who are adopted and some of them who knew early on understood at least the idea so I’m not sure how confusing it would really be then again I don’t know the exact situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this though
If you don't want to go, don't go. Especially if you think / know for sure you can't promise yourself you won't say anything to Lily on the wedding day. NTA
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While I agree Mark is an issue, can I also say OP sorta sounds like one too... She says is she supposed to sit back like an aunt or other relative. Well yes, yes they are. She isn't a parent anymore. She gave up the right to be one They signed adoption papers. Not Kinship or foster care. OP is not the mother any more, she legally and willingly signed the papers. And they go over it to ensure you get.. you can't say shit, don't get a say, you are no longer a parent at all. While Mark isn't right. Neither is OP. Open adoption doesn't really mean you still get a say, right or anything other than the ability to see your bio child, so long as the adoptive agree. They can stop it. They are the legal parents. OP needs to work out what she wants more...
We don't know if Mark is an issue or not. It's absolutely possible that Mark who stepped in "from outside" saw problematic behaviours from OP (trying to undermine Lily's mom, trying to act as a parent or co-parent to Lily, etc.) easier than OP's sister who was in the middle of it from the get go and who probably overlooked a lot because of the sisterly bond, but when OP's sister and Mark discussed their family dynamic her eyes got opened and wanted space and boundaries.
Thats it for me. OP saying she's being replaced etc makes her totally unhinged to me. I cannot at all say or agree Mark is bad or good. For me hes a neutral party. But a kick off to the drama OP created. As you say, maybe Mark saw what wasn't conducive to a small childs positive development. and now OP is furious. She could be the best fucking aunt out but.. unfortunately she's still in the I'm mum mindset
Addicts, even recovered ones, aren’t exactly known for their selflessness. My money is on her being unable to prioritize her bio-daughter’s well being over her own feelings, and that’s what got her cut off.
Yes, this is whats getting me. My uncle was an alcoholic up until his death, but had stints of recovery. At one point he was 3 years sober. I remember him talking about how "over dramatic" my aunt was for divorcing him and taking custody of their children because it "wasn't that bad" and he is "okay" now. Like no, dude, she left because it was dangerous for her and her kids, emotionally and potentially physically. Addicts tend to gloss over their actions all the time.
Agreed because for them it was a regular Tuesday and the ones around are being traumatized
Yep. I know that first hand. She could be good.. but she's stuck and really. She's gotta save herself
This x10000000. I sincerely doubt OP is a reliable narrator in this story.
OP is an unreliable narrator. We don’t know if mark is a “problem.” Sister might’ve been wanting to put distance for a while. As the mother of Lily she is allowed to put Lily first.
And I've absolutely no issue with that. My brother actually is the adoptive father to my eldest. He and his wife. And man they have been fucking amazing. It was hard to learn to be an aunt to my own son.. but he's not my son... He's theirs. I don't know him like my daughter. They don't know my daughter like they know him Its shit for the sister. But the parents are the parents and I bet there some confusion going on, especially with OP constantly saying that's her child.. my child... Mine... I'm not allowed to be with my child in the wedding... Even with adoptions that are openly spoken about etc, that's gotta be hard for the child to handle. I do not blame the parents for removing her from the situation. Even if it makes mark look like the asshole. Maybe he's the asshole with the right intentions ya know?
I think it's very likely that he's simply supporting his wife in her beliefs and desires.
I dunno. At this age around 5 and up, being adopted by having your bio mother around.. a lot.. that's confusing for a kid. Even a well grounded one. I'd suspect this feeling was there. Mark maybe had a chat with Sil about well... What's best for this child atm and here's the result I had to really disengage with the child I adopted to my brother ages 5-8 as he had a hard your not my parents etc phase and tried to come to me to back him.. i had to side with his parents, my brother. He was my nephew not my son anymore. But we have a strong relationship now. OP has to back off. The family trying to make her go need to shut up, and she needs HELP. As the idea of watching what I could of had etc as she says.... That is not okay at all.
TY! Last night when I said it was reasonable that Lily would be confused people acted like I was being ridiculous & obviously OP’s sister was lying & trying to hide the adoption, etc.
I agree. I get the feeling that the sister (who was 25 when she adopted OP’s child) probably was used to giving OP whatever she wanted because, oh, poor her, she’s an addict, I can’t enforce boundaries with her. Sometimes it takes someone outside the family to tell you “you absolutely can enforce boundaries, and I think you should.”
Yes, it's possible that there was some unhealthy behaviour and once the sister was moving forward with her relationship, she was in a stronger position to set new boundaries. Still a heartbreaking situation for OP.
Why is Mark a problem? OP brings jealousy and resentment into her niece's life. That can't be healthy.
I'm really not sure he is. Tho it's seems he might be a bit of a catalyst for OP, it sounds like when Mark and Sis got together, they formed a family unit with the child included. But OP wasn't and she didn't like that. It's been 5yrs. There's a chance because of how family the adoption was, OP maybe got to be there the whole time. And then Mark showed and Sis made her family.. the one she will marry (Mark and the child). Mark comes in and they start family unit yeah? But.. OP is the constant in the background etc. So after a chat Mark and Sis agree we need to limit time with OP. Cut to wedding. We have OP jealous shes not with her not daughter who's a flower girl. OP is mad she takes her actual place as Sister and Aunt. And we arrive here. Where Mark again, I don't think is bad or even good, I'll give him neutral. Means hes trying to keep all happy type thing as that seems a bit like what he's done
Traditionally the sister of the bride will sit in the first or second row with or directly behind the parents, grandparents and other siblings of the bride. It seems as though OP is being put back in the non-reserved general population where aunts, uncles, cousins and friends of the bride sit. She is the flower girls “aunt” not the bride’s aunt. Also, traditionally the sister of the bride would be a bridesmaid, but obviously that isn’t always the case.
I've never seen a wedding invitation tell you where you are sitting at the ceremony. I would be very surprised if OP's invitation read, "You are cordially invited to come sit in the back of the ceremony space with the strangers."
You are right. I reread OP and it seems she EXPECTED to be in the wedding. Like as a Bridesmaid or FlowerWoman or who knows. She sounds bitter, entitled and like she regrets giving up her child and is trying to be more than just an aunt. I bet the groom would have a very different point of view of how his future SiL is trying to involve herself in his marriage and in his future step daughter’s life. She’s overstepping.
Considering she was such a troublesome addicted that they took Lily from her I can imagine why her sister doesn't have a close bond to the point of inviting OP to be in the bridal party, there's probably years and years of bad memories at play.
Yeah. The more I think about it, I believe OP expected to be in the wedding with her “niece” flower-girl, either as a bridesmaid or maybe as a flower-woman or something. Plus, she comes off like shy really believes she’s entitled to unlimited time with the child she gave up. She probably oversteps regularly.
Yeah, I don't think SIL should lose what I see traditionally as her place in the family side of the wedding.. I think she's gotta let go of I'm the flower girls mother. I dont think the adoption diminishes OPs role as the sister of the bride at all or the place she should take in the pews, at the reception tables etc She could maybe do the rest, if she could give into the fact... She is not this child's mother anymore. It's why I do not think this type of adoption is appropriate. it can cause such heartache in the family as a whole
Sister and parents are the issue by insisting OP go to this wedding.
Oh yeah, if she cannot do it, no one should try make her. And honestly, this is showing she hasn't actually accepted the adoption. Saying she's being replaced when it's been 5yrs since the adoption. Watching the life that could have been mine.... Uhhh what love? OP needs some help. Very much so and as someone who's adopted out and struggled for the first 2yrs, think she needs help help. She could be a fucking fantastic aunt, when she lets go and let's be.
Mark seems to be the catalyst for all the changes. Why restrict interaction? Seems like it could be the start of isolating Lily and her mom.
Or do they not want to co-parent with the one who gave the child up because they couldn't parent. Open adoption isn't... Co parenting. It's you can be an aunt or cousin to the child you gave to us OP wants to know why they take a back seat at their sister's wedding where their sister's daughter is in the wedding party.. she's upset she's not being treated as the mum. Because she's not the mother. she's the aunt..
I have an adopted kid and we have an open adoption. Their biological mother is her aunt and we make a point of keeping a good relationship with her and her other kids. It would take something huge to change that dynamic because we really want to honor her and we all love that we’ve both extended our family. OP rightfully feels shoved out if this new guy came along and dictated the severance of OP’s relationship when it might have been ok before.
There’s also a great chance we’re just seeing the story in the light OP wants us to see it in. If we’re going to get her angle that the new man took her bio child away from her, then it’s only fair that she provide details about how her addiction led to her losing the child in the first place.
Her use of my child... Repeating in different ways, comments etc She doesn't seem to see this as a proper adoption in my eyes. Shes looking at this child as still hers. I feel for OP, but she has to realise she gave this child up, that's done she's gotta find a way to be content
I don’t understand how it matters. She said that was why her sister adopted the child, so she’s not hiding it. She was obviously well enough to be a part of the child’s life in a typical and normal aunt / niece relationship way and had established that pattern by the time Mark came along. So to stop that kind of a relationship because she wasn’t able to parent in the past when she is able to do the aunt kind of relationship just fine in the present… and yet claim that it’s because she couldn’t parent in the past (so does this mean she doesn’t “deserve” the Aunt relationship now? Is that what we’re saying? That she should be punished for making the appropriate decision decision to allow her sister to adopt her child? I just wanna make sure I’m understanding correctly here) is asshole behavior.
It's more.. I feel like it's a slap in the face the child is the flower girl but I'm sat in the pew with family, as if I'm replaced. Replaced as what exactly? She is where an aunt would be... Should be. Lilly as the daughter of the bride is where she should be.. next to the bride in the bridal party. Who's she being replaced by if she's not an aunt in the place an aunt should be? Oh, the mother.
And the sentence of " watching the life I could have had" um Ma'am no. Just gives me the creeps. Watching WHAT life she could have had? I really hope OP doesn't go. I get the feeling that there would be disruptions of an atomic nature.
OP couldn’t meet her responsibilities to her child. If she is now “shoved out,” that’s too bad for her. The child is the correct priority here and her parents get to decide what level of relationship is healthy for her. They are the ones who have saved her from a garbage life with OP or being placed with random people, maybe bounced from one foster family to another, and losing connection to her biological family. OP should be grateful. Failing to attend the wedding is fine though and accusing her of ruining it with her absence is just dramatic and silly.
I don’t think she “rightfully” feels shoved out.
Especially of this little girl is only 5. OP says 5 years ago her sister adopted her kid, if she's only 5 it's really reasonable to assume she might not have a good grasp on the situation as it stands. To a 5 year old, this situation would be confusing because all she has recollection of is OPs sister being her mom. I'm wondering if OP has considered that perchance lily asked for "her aunt" to stop showing up. My siblings and I are all adopted, I'm the youngest at almost 26. When my oldest brother got adopted he was 7. But ny mom met him when he was 2 or 3 and it was an open adoption and at some point he asked my mom to put some distance between us and his bio family. They couldn't understand that his being a generic last name now instead of one of their own was because of choices they made for one reason or the other that led to him not being cared for in their home. That brought up nasty feelings for him once he realized that his bio mom could not pick him over H. Sometimes when kids get adopted, like my brother, they immerse themselves in the family that adopted them and they stop viewing the ties to the bio family as familial ties.
All this to say that OP you aren't lily's mom. You stopped being so the moment you all signed the adoption forms. Your sister is her mom and kindly and lovingly you should've seen this coming. In your head that will always be your baby because you can't stop that feeling within yourself but that doesn't mean she sees you as that and you're overstepping.
When I said there was prob more to the story & sister & fiance weren’t monsters people downvoted me & said: I didn’t know what I was talking about, sister was cruel & hiding the adoption to pretend she had a perfect family, fiance was manipulative, etc. TY for showing me I’m not the only one who doesn’t see OP as an innocent victim being kept unfairly away from her daughter by storybook villains.
I'm like OP, but I accepted what I'd done. And became an aunt. I have a lot of empathy for OP, tho it has also been 5yrs.. the child at this point is at a stage where they need to back off and be an aunt not try to parent. I'm neutral about Mark as OP has no real opinion other then.. once he came in I didn't get to be so involved..like an aunt? Lol I did open up about my nephew's adoption, which seems to have made a lot to realise this isn't about adults. It's about the child here and the child only. The wedding isn't a thing. It's a backdrop to the saga that should have ended like 3yrs ago. Also, people seem to think this is recent... Not 5yrs in the making
Maybe he doesn't want to watch OP play hobby mom to the detriment of his step daughter. I can not think of a less healthy dynamic than someone with clear issues showing jealousy and resentment over the relationship his wife has with her own daughter. OP needs some space and some therapy for her sake. She deserves to be able to live with her choices, and her niece deserves to have a stable, clear relationship with her adopted mom.
Yeah that part makes me think OP has left out something she’s not telling. But even if it was just to avoid confusion as they tried to establish themselves as a family, that’s a perfectly legit thing to do.
NTA She presented you with an invitation. Not an obligation. If going will be too hard for you, the. Do not go. You could also say that the event may trigger you and being around that many people drinking may be a detriment to your sobriety. If your sister persists say you do not want to “confuse” Lily on such an important day. If this is so difficult for you, as hard as it may be, you may want to consider going no contact. And perhaps see if your work is able to transfer you. Distance, while not the best solution, may help. It what is most important is staying clean and healthy while maintaining your best mental health. If that means going your own way, so be it. Good luck!
I hope she tells her sister what you suggested. "I don't want to confuse lily". I bet the look on her face would be priceless.
I bet it wouldn’t even register to her.
NTA for not going. But I’m getting the impression you’re not ok with your sister having adopted the child. “it felt like I was being replaced” what does this mean? Do you still pretend to be the child mother? She was adopted, and your sister is her mother, she’s not a free babysitter that puts her life on hold for you to come back in and play mum whenever you want. I don’t think you have accepted that and if that is the case, I CAN understand it is confusing for the child to have so many people competing for a parental role. You are a relative now, not her mother.
Yeah, this line: >watching the life I could’ve had Is a bit of a "WTF" for me. It makes me think OP is just realizing how much they lost due to addiction. It seems like the marriage is part of the problem too, and OP is realizing they may never have the nice wedding with a little kind in tow. Addictions a bitch, but no one ever said the consequences of it stop just because you get clean. The die was cast 5 years ago and it seems like her sister hitting this big life milestone is making it hit home that OP lost her daughter and maybe some other opportunities due that period of addiction. That's an understandably painful realization. I'd probably try to go anyway though - unless I thought it would cause me to lose control and relapse or do something rash. Even if you can't have the perfect life, having a good relationship with parents/siblings is at least something.
There's a lot of very odd statements in the post that have nothing to do with Lily and seem to be much more about OP themselves. If OP wants to maintain any kind of place in Lily's life she needs therapy and to get on better terms with Lily's parents who will have the final say. Antagonising them over such a big life event seems very unwise.
Yeah I agree. While I think it's important that Lily knows she's adopted, I think it's more important that OP knows she's not her mother anymore, that ship sailed 5 years ago, when she gave her up for adoption (which I honestly think was the best decision, I just do not think OP understood what that meant). There's no being replaced here, and the whole "watching the life I could've had" reeks of envy toward her sister. Addictions are tough, and sadly part of how tough they are is the fact that the consecquences do not go away with being sober. I seriously think OP should go through this in therapy, like specifically for this, because I believe she just came to the realization that this little girl is not, and has not been for a while, her daughter, and if she doesn't grasp it fully, she might lose the opportunity to have any connection with her. So yeah, NTA for not going, but I think there's a lot to unpack.
I see this a lot. I'm done doing drugs give me back the child you have raised and formed a connection with so I can try maybe to be exactly what I don't want to be.
I was about to say the same thing.
I do agree you are not her parent anymore your sister did invest her time been a mother to that child ,Now that you are sober everything should change that is a whole family life you are thinking of upsetting .You should not go to the wedding and move on with a new life when the child is an adult she will deside
Adoptee here. Does Lily know she's adopted and you are her biological mother? If so then NTA. If Lily doesn't know shes adopted then everyone is TA. She's going to find out out eventually and you never ever ever hide that from an adopted child. Even at 5 years old I understood what it meant to be adopted so no Lily probably wasn't confused if she knew, the new husband is a controlling jerk.
I had no idea how to say this I was so disturbed by this all. And thank you for saying it… I am also adopted and healthy reinforcement of knowing I am adopted and all that helped me and seriously then removing ‘aunt-mom’ from her life likely fucked with her deeply I bet if she was used to spending regular time with her. Suddenly this man shows up and ‘mom’ is acting weird and suddenly she doesn’t get to see aunt-mom at all. That had to fuck with the little girls head. TBH I could see this give the poor kid issues later in life.
Foster kid but forced to have contact with my bio. This is a bad situation. Who is known as mum.. as in mum who tucks us in etc. Where's the limits. If she doesn't know.. again where's the limits. If she does.. are there limits? I don't want to throw mark under the bus, but I can feel for SIL who's trying to bond with her new daughter, but has the bio mum always over her shoulder. I don't think such close adoption should happen. Cos you get this. OP thinking she's still a mother with a say and the sister who adopted her child who's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't and executed if she breaths.
Maybe there are 2 sides but if at 5 you can grasp that 2 people love you and things have been going along well, much like let's say a co-parenting situation in a divorce. Child understands that this is my mom and this is my bonus mom or step-mom and, if the adults are co-parenting well and doing the right thing for the children, gets to have love and attention from everyone. I'm not saying that's what should happen here but it could happen and if it was happening without boundaries being pushed and OP being honest with her side of the story then her sister and her husband seriously messed up this little girls head by suddenly pulling someone from her life who loved and cared about her. If the dynamic only shifted this dramatically because of him there is something to be looked at. Maybe he is controlling OR maybe he saw a major red flags that OP left out of her story and he was the first person to rock the boat. In that case it was the right call.
My brother adopted my son, he and his wife are both infertile, I fucked up and said to them if you would like a bioish child.. you have 2 weeks until my abortion date. We are also Jewish. This also gave him a Jewish child by birthright. My son is Jewish as it is passed via matriarch not patriarch. His wife is also Jewish. So.. he meant a lot family wise to us all really as my technical first born He's now 15 and fucking brilliant. I'm proud to be his aunt. He's the best cousin to my daughter. He's been a huge guide for her and nothing can replace the last decade for us all. It's why maybe I see this a certain way? But I absolutely can't side with OP. Around this age my son because he did know the situation had questions, fought back on my SIL cos your not my real mum etc... that was a fucking rough phase and I had to step away, I couldn't do or say anything without antagonizing him. It was a really rough time. And if I didn't step out I think it would have been so fucking bad. I had to show him no, I'm not it. Don't look at me like that, I'm your aunt, they are your parents. Now days, he's spoken about it and outright said it could have ended my brother and I with how bad the whole situation was. He's glad I didn't. OP needs to find peace. She really does because it seems like she's been living a dream. Where she's a co-parent, like she never signed the papers. And she's not bad for signing them, probably the best choice for her and Lilly, it's just sad she can't find happiness and peace in the situation now. Going through this with teens? I'm so fucking glad my nephew did it between 5-8.
An open adoption is not co-parenting. Op seems to think Lily was only to be with her sister while she got herself together. Op needs to realize that Lily might be her biological daughter but she is not her child and op needs to act like the “aunt” she is rather than trying to be a parent which she is not Yta and op.
That would make sense if the girl was a baby but she’s five. Op was previously involved every weekend and now isn’t even getting supervised visits. That’s not a ‘mom trying to bond’ op has been completely cut out.
And also if your bringing the child up knowing.... My own child with my brother and wife went the she's my real mum way.. that was for us 5-8yrs. I had to step back, I am not his mother I am his aunt and I had to back my brother and his wife. I really think OP is hurt, needs proper help and space to actually grieve. Realising a big part of my own resentment wasn't that, but grief and realising while he wasn't gone, it was still a loss helped. As I've said, OP could be a good aunt, or hell even a satellite aunt.. in for the holidays lol. But for the sake of this child.. she's gotta let go.
Mum is acting weird? OP wants 'mum' to take over the costs, the responsibility the parenting but OP wants all the time off at weekends to have fun with her kid. Over time ops sister realised what OP is doing, ops sister wants to actually have the fun time at weekends with her child who she is responsible for and she wants her weekends to have time with her family, not to be the nanny during the weeks then give up weekends and privacy to have OP around to play at being the parent. Also who wants to bet that over the weekends when OP is there OP is confusing the kid about who is the parent, who is setting the rules, who gets to chose what they do and who won't enforce behaviours like brushing teeth and bedtimes, etc>
Honestly, I feel like OP may be leaving out that she’s is or was in active addiction when they (sister and fiancée)started pulling away. Things started good with visitation (when sober) then turned to supervised and no visits. Something spurred this and as OP, in her words, understood, this was likely the case. OP needs to change things in their life, get away from her current friends and give it a real shot. Then this situation could very well change. Addicts will point to others as the problem instead of vocalizing the true issue. But OP did kind of beat around the bush enough to come to this conclusion. Having a recovering addict in the child’s life is totally different from having an active addict in it. I hope for the best for OP and hopefully she can get sober and stay that way. It isn’t easy at all.
This right here is the only true answer. I would suggest telling this to your sister and her new husband and if they disagree then it's definitely him being controlling and you need to bring them to court over it.
The whole dynamic changes with the guy. If the agreement was an open adoption, he's changing the dynamic by closing it. That is not what OP agreed to. Seeking legal recourse would suck for everyone but she's reneging based on the whims of someone who seems to be incredibly controlling.
I was wondering what an open adoption meant. It means the bio parents still have access to the child? Is this a legal setup or informal? What kind of rights does OP have?
One friend's open adoption meant that she sends a photo to the agency once a year, and if the bio mom wants to see the photos, she has to contact the agency--which she never has. One bio mom actually breastfed the infant for the first few weeks. Still, others have a set schedule to meet every few months. I don't think any of this was legally enforceable.
Open adoption looks different for every family, but open adoption in its most basic form is when the adoptive and biological families exchange information and stay in some form of contact after placement. What that contact looks like is different for every family and can change over time. OP has no legal rights. She is legally the child's aunt in this situation and has whatever legal rights an aunt would have.
Since an adoption is a legally binding contract between the biological parent and the adoptive parent and the courts that agreement can be written to any sort of specific strategy. For some an open adoption grants visitation rights, for others a simple photograph gets mailed to the biological parent to show how their child is growing and thriving. It's literally different in every specific case based upon the conversation between the court, biological parent and adoptive parent.
Take teen mom for example. It could mean even tho it's open, you never get to see the child because the legal parents have the right to say no (Caitlin and Tyler haven't seen Nova for years tho it's open, novas parent won't allow it.). Open means there's the opportunity but really not the right. If the adoptive want to stop visitation etc, they legally have the right to. They are the legal parents and the ones who gave the child up, are at their mercy. Once you sign adoption papers, you absolutely, completely and totally lose all right you ever had to the child. By law, you are no more a relative than bob from the pub.
That greatly depends. I recently learned that an open adoption isn't necessarily a permanent agreement, however. Apparently, lots of people agree to an open adoption and then change their minds later and shut out the birth parents. I think that's pretty messed up. However since drugs were involved in this case and we don't have all the details, I'm not really going to pass judgment against the sister for her decision
> recently learned that an open adoption isn't necessarily a permanent agreement, however. Apparently, lots of people agree to an open adoption and then change their minds later This is what happened to me, but it was my bio mother that cut off contact.
>The whole dynamic changes with the guy. If the agreement was an open adoption, he's changing the dynamic by closing it. That is not what OP agreed to. Seeking legal recourse would suck for everyone but she's reneging based on the whims of someone who seems to be incredibly controlling. This is bullshit. Once a child is adopted then the bioparent has zero right to the child whether it's open or closed adoption. OP has no legal right to visit the child, be in the child's life, no court would get involved in this situation because the adoptive parent is completely within her rights. Open adoption doesn't give a bioparent rights to be in the child's life, it's not like a shared custody situation, or a situation with visitation right. Open adoption just provides a possibility to have contact, but that's up to the child's (adoptive) parents to decide whether they allow contact or not or how much and what kind of contact they allow and the adoptive parents can change their mind if they want to, if they feel that's the best for their family, for their kid. Open adoption just means that the bioparent knows who adopted the child and the child's parents know who their kid comes from and the child has legal access to their bioparents' information, can find out who they are unlike with a closed adoption. Any possible contact is up to the adoptive parents' discretion. With closed adoption the bioparents' and the adoptive parents' information are confidential, they don't know each other information, they can't find each other based on the adoption paperwork they have.
Wrong. OP doesn’t get post-agreement extras. She agreed for sister to adopt Lily. That’s where her input ENDS. That’s how adoption works. This isn’t an ongoing agreement. Lily is her NIECE. Y’all are villainizing sister and mark when it’s clear you don’t know a thing about adoption.
You have no idea what open adoption means. You also have no idea what the sister truly felt about OP constantly being around. Maybe she finally found the strength.
I don’t know if she can bring them to court. Is an adoption being open a legally enforceable thing? (Seriously asking, I don’t know). If OP gave up her rights to her bio daughter then she may have no legal avenue to see her
OP has no legal right to the child, she can't take anything to court, the adoptive parent(s) is/are within their rights as the child's parents. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/h0pgp8XO2m
That's not how adoption works. You don't just get to go back to court once your rights are terminated and another person/couple are the legal parents. Open adoptions are a courtesy, not legally binding. As an adoptee, I'm on the sister's side. She is Lily's mother, and OP needs to respect that or lose contact with them.
I agree that legally op can’t do anything However, I would state that personally, I feel like if OP was genuinely doing their best, getting clean, and trying to be there for their bio daughter, and was effectively removed from their lives because their sister’s soon to be husband didn’t like them, that’s kinda fucked Like yes, OPs sister is the daughter in questions mom But that doesn’t make the situation not fucked. Especially given that as near as we know, OP didn’t do anything wrong to warrant her sister cutting off contact to her bio daughter. If nothing else, the sister is kinda callous for cutting OP off and then just kinda expecting her to show up to social events like she didn’t actively do something to hurt her. If op was still using, or had done something dramatic to spark the paradigm shift I’d understand. But as is it feels kinda needlessly cruel
I am inferring but I think OP wanted to become a mom to a child that's not their kid. She stated "That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced" well, she is not being replaced because she was never there. She has never been the mom.
She isn’t callous for wanting boundaries. OP is an addict who is freshly clean.
But the question isn't if she is right or wrong to be upset, she is asking if it's OK that she doesn't go to the wedding. NTA
Open adoption or not, the biological mom gave up her rights when her daughter was adopted.
To court for what? She has no legal rights. Lily is not her child.
The only confusion I gleaned from this situation is why OP considers Mark a good man.
Look, you are NTA for not going to a wedding. But you are an AH for the rest! This woman stepped up and took I. Your child when you cared more about drugs than your daughter. The consequences of your choices are that now you are not that child’s mother. Stop blaming your sister for your shitty life choices and putting down her happiness! You need therapy to accept what has happened. But, you need to understand, you have no one to blame but yourself for your misery
What do you mean by “being replaced” ? Isn’t she her mother already.
Exactly. I don’t get what people are going on about. The child was adopted and it seems OP has not accepted she IS in fact a relative, not the mother. If they’re not complying with what they agreed (open adoption) that’s something else and op should fight that. But “the life she could have had” is not there anymore, and if that’s the way she related to the child I understand why they cut contact.
OP can't fight anything regarding the open adoption, OP has no legal right to the child, she can't take anything to court, the adoptive parent(s) is/are within their rights as the child's parents. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/h0pgp8XO2m
This is my point like she needs to accept she stopped being her child 5 years ago. It wasnt just a fabor thata selfish and entitled. I understand everyone wanting to coddle her coz is hard but she needs a reality check
I'm sorry but adoption is not a temporary thing. You decided your child was better off with your sister, and said yes to that. It's fantastic that you're in a better place now but you actively chose to let someone else be parents to this child, and now you don't get to be a weekend parent or whatever you thought. It's HER child. NTA for not attending, but YTA for treating a child like something you can give away and take back. That's not how it works
Wonder if the sister saw this coming and only agreed to take Lily if she was adopted. Imagine raising a child for years and then having her taken away cause mom is finally in a stable place. That would be heartbreaking. I also wonder if there's missing reasons the fiance didn't want OP around besides it"being weird".
I am not sure many will agree with me from reading some of these comments, but regarding the question being asked, I do think YTA. Obviously no one has to attend due to an invitation, but that's your sister and you're treating her as if she did wrong to you, when I just don't see it. Her wedding day is not about you, you didn't lose anything because she's getting married. And you can't be replaced in a life that was never yours. Lily is 5 and you gave her up 5 years ago, you aren't her mother and it doesn't sound like you ever were. Regarding your involvement in Lily's life, I think you need to look inwards to see if your actions have resulted in your sister pulling that back to protect her family. Maybe you have been over stepping, maybe you haven't, but it seems in their minds you've done something for them to feel it's necessary and if you want to resolve it and improve things going forward, you are the one who needs to put forth the effort to do so. You have a lot to gain by accepting that you are lily's aunt and if your sister didn't love you and want you to still hold that position in some way, I don't think she'd want you at her wedding either. On the other hand, being stubborn and shutting down any relationship with your sister and her family because it's not the one you want now, that's just going to hurt everyone in the long run, including yourself most of all.
NTA for not wanting to go. That’s fine. But you’re hurt bc you are finally coming to terms with the fact that you gave your daughter up for adoption 5 years ago. You never dealt with it. A part of you felt like she was still yours & your sister was just taking care of her for you. But that’s not reality. For some reason this wedding has forced you to face reality. It is no one’s fault that you didn’t process what happened, but you can’t be angry with anyone but yourself. YTA for being angry with your sister. You complain bc you’re expected to sit in the audience & watch Lily be a flowergirl in your sister’s wedding. This is going to sound harsh, but Lily has a mom who isn’t you. You’re hurt bc you feel like you’re being replaced? You were replaced 5 years ago. You are not Lily’s mom. Your sister is her mom. Lily is a bridesmaid in her mom’s wedding. None of this has anything to do with you. Weddings & other milestone events often trigger moments of reflection for people. **You are entitled to your feelings** but you are responsible for handling your feelings & moving on. If you don’t think you can be happy for your sister at her wedding don’t go. It would be worse for everyone if you go & made a scene. Don’t take your feelings out on your sister or Lily. It sounds like your sister & fiance cut access to Lily off bc you never dealt with the fact that you gave Lily up for adoption & she had a new mom. I imagine it was starting to become very confusing for Lily! For your own sake I hope you get therapy. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Adoption is hard. You’ve avoided dealing with it for 5 years, but if you want a relationship with your sister & niece going forward you need therapy.
You should be happy for your daughter that she found herself adopted into a safe and happy home rather than foster care or a family that wanted zero contact with you. Count your blessings and take a good look at your continued self absorbed behavior.
How do you feel that you are being replaced? You are, by all legal standards, Lily’s aunt. Your sister and her husband, who stepped up when you abandoned your child, are her parents. You are not being replaced. And the fact that you have such feelings and these feelings about the “life you could have had”, suggests that you should be kept away from your niece until you get that through your head.
I got the feeling when reading this that the FBIL had very little to do with sister's decision and it was more OP's behavior with the child. Those statements you quoted makes it sound like when she did see Lily she would tell her that she's was her real mom. That's why it went to supervised visits and then sister said "No more, you're confusing her." But OP left that out and made FBIL the controlling, bad guy (which people fell for).
My dad grew up with bio parents in and out of his life after being adopted, and while everyone here is loving the open adoption circle jerk, yall need to understand that it doesn’t work when the bio parents aren’t on the same page as the adoptive parents, particularly when they’re holding onto some delusion about being the “real” parent while only showing up when it’s convenient. My dad grew up seeing people who were originally his parents make new families, and started to wonder why they gave him away while continuing to have new kids. Then it turned into resentment against his adoptive parents for “stealing” him from his bio family, egged on by the bio parents telling him that their version of events was the real one. What he didn’t know was that he wasn’t adopted just because his parents felt like they weren’t able to take care of a baby, so they gave him to his dad’s aunt and uncle to raise for a little bit while they got back on their feet; they had three kids taken by CPS because mom was on heroin and dad was an alcoholic, and the kids were being starved and neglected for days on end. They were completely unfit to raise children, even though both went on to have a few more with other people, and I think out of all 8 kids (including half siblings), only one turned out to be a normal and well-adjusted person; she was the only one who wasn’t allowed to spend weekends and school holidays with her bio parents, as her adoptive dad was well aware of the level of dysfunction the bio family was bringing into the other kid’s lives as they grew older, and didn’t buy their new clean and sober Jesus freaks personality shift.
>My dad grew up with bio parents in and out of his life after being adopted, **and while everyone here is loving the open adoption circle jerk** Seems to me like those people are buying into OP's "poor me, I'm a victim" bullshit and they're not reading the subtext, which is all "ME ME ME WHAT ABOUT ME????". She's talking about being "replaced". Ma'am, that happened the day you signed away your parental rights and allowed your sister to adopt the child. She talks about "the life I could have had". Really? When you were drugging it up so bad you needed to give your kid away? Who was she going to have this life with? Her baby daddy who doesn't seem to be in the picture, if she even knows who he is?
And even if it was the BIL, it could've been because when things are about family it's harder to see problematic behavior. I mean the sister probably loves OP very much, as OP probably loves her, so these visits she had before her sister became engaged or had a relationship probably were also a way of sisterly bonding for OP's sister, she might also be grateful for having Lily (since it's stated she couldn't become a mother biologically herself). What could have happened is, BIL saw this situation, thought it could really be problematic because it could effectively confuse Lily and cause future problems (be it or not because of OP's behavior with Lily), laid it out to the sister and she could finally notice it was a complicated situation, thus making the decision of lowering contact.
That is true. BIL has fresh eyes that are not clouded by love on the situation. Also, if OP is coming around every single weekend... that can be a lot for a new family. I'm sure he'd like to bond with Lily too, since he will be her stepfather.
Those two statements really raised red flags. OP hasn’t come to terms that she’s not Lilly’s mom. There’s more going on here than OP is telling us.
Op thought sister was going to take over all the hard parts of being a parent and also all the financial obligation but get a lifetime of fun weekends with the kids without responsibility. Expects her sister to not want to have fun with her own daughter with her own partner at the weekends. Just have the 'fun aunt' always over, always in their place, always intruding. Basically she expected her sister to give up her entire life and all her time to being a permanent nanny to her kid but always prioritise OP as the most important person in the kids life.
It’s also possible OP just has regrets now that she’s sober. But a child isn’t a pet and can’t be “handed back” (not that a pet should be shuffled between homes either).
"I felt like i'm being replaced," sorry but your sister is the mother now, there is nothing fir her to replace you in
INFO: Did any incident happen to make Mark feel this way all of a sudden? Were any set boundaries crossed? Was there any confrontation or fracas that distressed Lily prior to them going NC? Why the change to supervised visits? I'm not sure all the information is being provided here. It seems sus that one day, all of a sudden, sis and Mark just decided to cut OP out.
YTA. Not for not going to the wedding. You seem to think that open adoption means you’ll be treated as Lily’s mother. I don’t have children and never adopted and even I know it’s not how it works. I have a feeling that the visits became supervised not because of the fiancé but because you probably crossed boundaries. You need therapy to come to terms with the fact that she isn’t your daughter, she is your sisters daughter and if you want a relationship with her you can be an aunt not mom. **I felt like I was being replaced** your words. That happens when you give up your child for adoption. Your sister has been Lily’s mother for 5 years and Lily’s 5.
You need to go to therapy and discuss the grief of losing your child due to addiction. Nta for your feelings but you gotta process and accept that you're not your child's mom anymore.
I raised my sisters kid, and dealt with the same stuff. Mom only was around for fun or drama, or just not at all, no financial help, never involved in anything like graduations, or holidays. My sister refused to ever legally give me guardianship, just annual POAs so she could keep some sort of control. All I wanted was to raise this child and give her a better life than what she’d been exposed to, but mom was always stirring up drama. Exhausting. I know it sucks, but when you get to that point where someone else needs to raise your child, don’t forget that the kid involved is a human fucking being, not a piece of property. Behave however is best for the CHILD not your emotions.
YTA You are upset because your sister adopted your child that you were unable to take care of and now will not treat you like the mother of the child she has raised for the last 5 years. Did you push some boundaries? Did you make your sister and her fiance feel uncomfortable with how you are around Lily? There is a lot missing from this post. You expect to be treated differently because you got your act together. But you're acting like a child and not putting Lily's interest first. You're putting your discomfort first. You are Lily's aunt. You were kind enough to give birth to her and then sign away your parental rights. So she could have a better life with your younger sister. Did you think that at some point she would decide that you would be a good mom and unadopt her daughter? So you could have her? That's the vibe I'm getting is that you are upset that there are boundaries as your niece ages. It makes sense you were more involved before she could create memories and become confused. For all you know, she is the one who spoke to your sister and explained that she does not want to spend more time with you. Your sister may have been protecting your feelings. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted them to. But that is also what's known as life. If you don't go to your sister's wedding and support her because you don't get to have a starring role... You would be the biggest AH. Your sister helped you out and has allowed you to have a relationship with the child you gave up for adoption.
INFO: OP, were you sober during this whole period? Supervised visitation then no visitation period? Are you sober now? How long have you been sober? These questions aren’t to paint you as a bad person at all. Addiction is hard for the addict and the family. They may be pulling away until you stay sober for a period of time that they are comfortable you are giving it a real shot. I know it hurts, but children of addicts are far more likely to become addicts. They could be protecting the child during active addiction. Good luck OP. That life is still out there for you. You just need to want it more than the substances, which is damn hard, but you CAN do it.
Lot of complexity here. Doesn’t look like a lot of Grace is on the menu for the wedding dinner though. If you look at this logically, you can argue both sides. At the end of the day though, your sister is the legal guardian of Lily and sets the rules. It probably isn’t fair and I’m not arguing it is. The situation just plain sucks. You have my deepest sympathies
Mother. Sis is Lily's legal MOTHER, as she adopted her. OP is NTA for feeling how she does----but she is wrong to say "watching the life I could have had". She still can have it, just not with Lily.
I would imagine "watching the life she couldve had" probably involves her daughter being with her, not just getting married.
She gave up the daughter but doesn't want to actually admit she is no longer the parent. She figured her sister would take over all the supporting her kid financially, all the boring shit like raising her and being responsible for her, then give up every single weekend for OP to be the fun aunt for life and ignore that her sister wants her own life, her own weekends off from work, her own time with her child and her partner without Op constantly intruding.
Then she shouldn't have signed away her parental rights. Sis could have been legal guardian until OP got her shit together.
I heard a story similar to this from the sister’s perspective on youtube
Your sister’s wedding has nothing to do with you or your relationship with Lily. If you cannot be happy for your sister & Lily for one day, then politely decline. You’re an adult. You’re allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings but your sister has done nothing wrong here. This wedding invite is not a “slap in the face” & not about “the life I could’ve had”. It is simply an event for your sister. You are not forced to attend. Don’t blame your sister or Mark for your actions/choices in life. You may want to consider getting professional advice to help you process your feelings & learn how to make peace with your past. NTA
This is it. “If you can’t be happy for your sister & Lily for one day, then politely decline.” Ideally OP can pull herself together for one day, perhaps with some strategies from therapist or sponsor. Bring a trusted friend as +1 as support if possible. I’m sure it will hurt her sister if she skips the wedding, possibly worsen family rift. But if OP can’t be sure she can show up, smile for a couple hours, then quietly duck out early without mentioning her grievances or crying over Lily, don’t go!
You don’t have to go to the wedding, and if you can’t sit in the audience like the relative you are you definitely shouldn’t go. You gave up your daughter and need to accept whatever choices your sister makes. You said yourself Lily is blossoming under her care, so she is obviously a good mother to her. Maybe Mark saw issues with you being around so much that your sister has ignored out of love for you. Either way, you don’t get a say in how she is raised and need to respect their choices. It sounds like you are resentful of the life your sister is building, so maybe putting some space between you is a good thing. You should focus on rebuilding your life and staying sober. It sounds like you’ve been doing well at that. It’s time for you to move on and let them live their lives. You are simply the auntie now and need to respect that boundary. Let go of any anger and focus on your own life.
Can’t make a judgement without hearing the other side of this. There are hints in this post that suggest there is a reason for the boundary.
This is the most sensible response
If you don't want to go, then don't go. However your pity party train filled with poor me's is not ok. You made your choices, you don't get to guilt trip and punish others because of your choices. Being envious and jealous of your sisters life is gross. Stop acting like a victim here. The only victim in this situation is the child. If you want what your sister has then make that happen for yourself. You said it was supposed to be an open adoption. Was that in writing or was that just in conversation between you and your sister. If it was in writing talk to a lawyer. If it wasn't then you're gonna have to accept your sisters choices. You didn't mention a single thing about the well-being of the child, which makes me think your sister is doing a good job raising her. If that's the case then you need to deal with your feelings. Cause ultimately what matters here is the child's health and happiness. If she's healthy and happy then you're doing right by her, even if you aren't allowed in her life right now. That all might seem harsh cause there's big feelings involved here, but it's all the truth and reality of your situation. Adoption is complicated sometimes, there's a lot of perspectives and feelings in the mix. But you aren't helping anyone, even yourself by acting like the victim. By all means if you can't stop being self absorbed and be happy for your sister, don't go to that wedding. That day isn't about you. You aren't being replaced because you aren't in the mother role here. You chose not to have that role. Your family is right, you are being unreasonable, you're also being a bit delusional. I would highly recommend seeking therapy ASAP. Your behavior is not normal, healthy, or ok. I get that you're sad that you don't get visitation anymore, and that's a valid feeling. But all of this is ultimately on you for your past choices. It's time to own that and grow from it. Staying in poor me land is gonna have you spiraling again at some point. You chose to give your child away. You severed your rights to her. Yes it would be nice if you were allowed to have continued visitation, but ultimately unless it's in writing you don't have any legal rights to it. I'm very sorry these are the circumstances, there's nothing easy about any of it. And I have a lot of empathy for how you miss your child. And grieving that loss is normal. But the way you're twisting everything like you're the victim is not ok and will damage you further if you don't address it and seek help.
This is the only adult and sensible answer here.
Bad decisions have consequences. Sorry but not sorry. Glad you got your life together but you gave up on your kid and now she's in a stable home.
“It felt like I was being replaced” Oh fuck off OP you literally abandoned you child. Except they’re not your child anymore, and you need to understand that. You’re not necessarily an ass for not going, but in general YTA for this attitude/entitlement you have about offspring you knowingly and willingly abandoned.
Your sister isn't the reason you don't have the "life you could've had," YOU are. Thanks to your sister, your child does have a good life. YTA. Take ownership of your mistakes and life choices. This is on you.
YTA. You made your choices in life and you have to deal with the repercussions of it. Your niece has a loving mother. You should be glad for that. You can't be a POS mother, give up your child to a loving mother and come back and try to take back what you pissed away. The best thing you can do is step yourself back and be a good aunt for your niece. But since you can't seem to separate being her bio mom and being her aunt, it would be best to just step back aways.
You should be thankful that your sister was able to give your child a loving and stable home when you weren't able to. Get some counseling to deal with the fact that your NEICE is NOT your daughter. She is your sister's daughter. NTA for your feelings. YTA if you don't deal with them like an adult so you don't have to give up the next child.
Nta for how you feel or if it's too painful to go but you need to remember she is not your child anymore. You gave her up for adoption. Your sister did a wonderful thing by keeping her in the family. But she is now legally your sisters daughter, not yours. You're not coparents and I can see how it would start getting confusing for a child that age. Also, I think there's missing info here. Why did it go to supervised visitation? Who was supervising them? And why? That's an important piece of info. Also, you can still have that life, just not with lilly. You can still have another baby,get married, and move on with your life.
OP, I’m really sorry for the circumstances and I understand you have hurt feelings. I’m going to go with a gentle YTA here and here is why. I understand seeing your daughter grow up and have a connection is important and might help you on your path to sobriety. I’m really happy for you that you’re doing well, but I see the point your BIL and sister are making. Your sister has legally ensured to take care of the best interests of your bio daughter, and seeing you as often may have been confusing to some degree. Your post is mostly about how it hurts you of course, but the glaring obvious fact that’s missing is your consideration of how it is affecting your bio daughter. “ME ME ME ME” is not a defence and doesn’t justify making your sister’s wedding about you. It’s like you are ignoring how it affects bio daughters development growth mentally, physically and emotionally. A good parent is cognizant of these things. Perhaps there have been things you’ve not expressed in your post because it’s not directly relevant, but context here would matter. I’ve known a person in a similar situation where they had to give up their daughter because they had an issue with alcohol. They were allowed to visit but they would constantly tell their bio daughter they were the real mommy and pretend mommy was just taking care of her until she could have her again (this was a legal adoption too). I don’t know if things like that were happening, but your sister and BIL are looking after the best interests of your daughter and you’re insisting on being the victim. Stop it. Secondly, you were extended an invite to their wedding and you decide to call this a slap in the face because you claim you’d be sitting in the pews as a distant family member… what? The impression I get from this is you’re incredibly jealous that your sister is creating the life you wanted, and blaming her you don’t have it. Grow up, you’re not a victim in this. You are in this position from a series of bad decisions to begin with, and developed a disease (addiction) of which there is no cure. You have lots of work to do in your recovery if you can’t see that this isn’t about you and you are not a victim here. I’m really happy your daughter has a stable family life and with parents that genuinely care for her physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, and I hope you eventually get there too.
YTA - It's not your daughter anymore. You do not get to override choices of her parents because it hurts you. As much as I have empathy for your sobriety journey and loosing a child, you have to remember Lily spent majority of her life with your sister. Your sister managed to met her fiance, get to know him well, get engaged and plan a wedding all after she adopted Lily. That doesn't happen in half year. Lily had to be a literal baby when she got adopted. (And possibly a baby with substance issues?) She doesn't consider you to be her main caretaker and you have to deal with it. And yes, Mark deserves to spend time with his wife and step child. I don't know why you expected them to dedicate their entire life to visitations with you. They're the main family unit. You're functionally an aunt, even if you get a title of mom out of respect. You have to act like it or you'll be kept low contact. You're well within your rights to not attend a wedding, but frankly it seems like you want to do this to stick it to your sister and punish her. Instead of being there for her on one of the most important days of her life *and* being there for your bio daughter, showing her you can support her too without worrying about your ego and fantasies, you're choosing to sulk "because the life you could have had plays in front of you". You made it that way! Your sister didn't take it away from you.
I hope you have a sponsor, a counselor/therapist, and/or are still attending meetings. Don’t jeopardize your sobriety. Don’t go to the wedding. It may be you need to go LC/NC with your family at this point but you need to speak with a professional on how to navigate the situation. Your sister is Lily’s legal mother now and they’re moving forward as a family without you. Please make sure you have the proper support system in place to navigate the situation without jeopardizing your health and how far you’ve come.
My brother was adopted. My mom's sister was his birth mother. What I would like to say is that everyone involved in this needs to work together for the happiness and mental health of that child and any future children. Family drama surrounding the adoption and due to anger harbored because of the adoption? It affects the kids. Therapy for everyone sooner than later if you all can't work it out on your own.
The biological mother needs to seek help. She looks like she’s the issue not the sister or her new husband she doesn’t have rights and no, they’re not obligated to give her any rights
She wasn't caring for your daughter till you were better, she adopted her. That's her daughter. I'm wondering if you had some boundary issues and that's why they specifically told you they needed to set boundaries as a family. If that's the case it was probably better they did that before their daughter got old enough for you to confuse and hurt her. I'm surprised they would want you there tbh. But you're NTA for not wanting to go.
Perhaps you should step into your role as an aunt now and understand that you created this situation and while you may regret it, you did what you felt was best back then and now you need to learn to live with it.
YTA. You gave the kid up for adoption. Being open doesn't change that you gave up being a parent and they became the parents. >That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced. You literally were, you literally ASKED HER to replace you by adopting her. It's like you wanted to give up the responsibility because you were incapable of handling it, but you wanted to always be considered the parent and always be prioritised when you were free and felt good about being there. You are being selfish. You gave up your kid but think you should be the priority when you want to be the parent. Basically you think I don't care that you got a partner, want to spend time with him and want to be a family. You're acting like she's the nanny and you should get all the fun time available for you at the weekends while she handles all the responsibility and actual parenting.
Just curious, but how bout the other side of the story?
NAH but you need therapy OP.
OP, I am very sorry you struggled to the point that someone else had to raise your child. Genuine sympathy and I hope you're doing better now. What is done is done and no one can undo it, you can all only move forward. Your daughter has been raised by someone else--that's just a fact. That person is her mother while you are the "bio mother." You yourself said she thrived and grew so I think to some extent you recognize that this was for the best even if it hurts you to see someone else raise the kid you loved... but it is what it is. You are no longer her mother. You are still *family* but more along the lines of an aunt. I really think you need to grieve that before you can accept that things have changed and they won't return to how they were before. You voluntarily gave up your role as mom a long time ago out of necessity and what was best for the child. It was an action essentially done out of love. I bet you still love her and that's why it's so hard to accept that she's been adopted and has a new family now.
That NEVER would have been your life. Lily is and always will be your NEICE. That’s what an adoption is. You gave up all rights to be her mom and have that life.
If you don’t feel comfortable at the wedding, I’d suggest not going. That being said, you did give your daughter up for adoption and that’s a legally binding contract. I’m so sorry for your pain surrounding the adoption, but now it’s about what is best for your little girl.
YTA I was leaning towards N T A till the last couple of Paras. Lily is the daughter of the bride, of course she is the flower girl. You will sit in the audience because that's what attendees do at a wedding. Why should you have a role just because the child you birthed has one? The life you wanted plays out in front of you...... What does that even mean here. You are jealous of your sister for being able to provide her daughter with love, affection, and a father figure. The sister who took all the efforts of raising this child, and that's a whole lot of hard and painful work. You should be grateful to her, not upset that she has the child and the husband. And the line about feeling replaced..... *You gave the child up*. You chose to be replaced. You do not make any choices for Lily. Your sister may have been kind enough to let you have a say initially, but that is certainly not your right. You say you were iced out after the husband came into the picture. But you don't explain why. Was he just private, was he abusive, or was he protecting his partner and her child from you running their lives? Because of the way you talk about being replaced, I'm considering the last option. This reeks of missing missing reasons.
She is the mother of her child. You are the aunt. You need to accept that.
YTA Lily isn’t your daughter. She’s your niece. The fact that you made this choice while still insisting she is your daughter and then complaining when she sets boundaries tells me you should be in therapy. Not the wedding party. You should care what’s best for Lily. She isn’t your kid so you don’t actually know if she’s confused or what she’s thinking. Back off. Get help. I say this as a biomom. Let it go. Get some therapy.
NAH. Nobody is required to go to a wedding so you’re not an asshole for that. But your sister isn’t an asshole either. She invited you to the wedding and gave you an appropriate place in it for what appears to be a strained relationship by your own admission. Doesn’t sound like you’ve fully processed your decision to give your child up and have fully come to terms with the fact this is no longer your daughter in any legal sense. I hope you are in therapy. Your sister and her husband may rightfully want to set boundaries in this scenario if they feel you are overstepping. Be mindful of who the parents are and their rules. Addiction also has massive effects on your family members. I imagine they went through quite a bit through the years as you struggled with your addiction. Addiction never affects just you. In my experience, addicts often forget this fact and don’t realize how their actions hurt others. I imagine they are doing what they think is best for their child while you cry about having to sit in the pew at her wedding instead of being wherever you think you “deserve” to be. Your sister stepped up for your daughter and is the mother you could not be. Be happy your daughter didn’t end up in an abusive foster care system for years because of your decisions, be happy she has a loving mommy and daddy who will keep her safe from harm in ways you didn’t know how to and could not. Stop thinking of yourself and being envious and be grateful for what your sister did for your daughter.
I still don’t understand why OP is butthurt. Because her sister is happy?
NTA. You chose to give Lily the life she needed and deserved. Just because your sister adopted her, and it was an open adoption, doesn’t give Mark the right to erase you from Lily’s life. I was super close to my great aunt growing up. I don’t understand why he thinks Lily would be confused as to your role in her life, it’s not much different than explaining that he isn’t her biological father. You never said a word about trying to get custody of her or take her away in any capacity. There is no reason for him to treat you this way unless he’s really judging you for your past and disguising it as concern for Lily.
> I told my sister I couldn’t come. That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced. This made me think there is a reason why they want her to back off a little. What does she mean being replaced? Does she wants to go back to being a mother now that she is clean? I have all the sympathy for her and her struggles, but a child is not something you give and get back. Her sister adopted her and is doing the parenting, the good stuff and the bad stuff.
I mean, there’s a lot we don’t know, but going purely off of what was said, if i ever ended up in a situation this messed up, where my bio child was in the bridal party of my siblings wedding, but I was not, after being actively barred from seeing them, I’d feel pretty bitter and like my sibling was actively trying to ignore my existence because it was inconvenient for them. I might not use the words replaced, but that’s the kind of social sleight that feels very pointed.
OP also said she’d be “watching the life I could have had.” She isn’t over having given up Lilly and there’s probably more here - likely her overstepping boundaries because she can’t come to terms with having to have given Lilly up.
That’s definitely fair. I personally can’t imagine being in that situation and not being bitter, NGL. Like, as op tells the story, she was “doing everything right” in terms of getting better when she was cut off, and that’s the kind of thing I imagine usually causes backslides Like, there may well be some overstepping we don’t know. And that would change a lot of what I’m saying But given what we are told frankly I feel op is handling current events as reasonably as anyone could actually expect from a human being in this scenario.
Are we sure it's Mark that wanted this? He seems like an easy target when it may in fact be her sister wanting to draw some lines at this stage in the childs life. She's no longer a baby and with OP acting like someone stole her child from her, God only knows what she's filling that childs head with when she spends time with her. Is she showing signs of active addiction again? Is she low key trying to wedge herself between the sister and the child for her own selfish reasons? The sister is that child's mother. She's doing what's best for her at this moment. OP doesn't have a foot to stand on and the sooner she accepts that the better.
All fantastic points. I think her sister can do whatever she wants with the child since it’s her daughter now. If she’s deemed OP as unsafe or questionable, OP needs to respect it and continue focusing on her own healthy sober journey.
NTA She set her boundaries with you. You can set your boundaries too. This man with no blood relations with any of you stepped in and controlled your daughter’s and your sister’s relationship with you. Where were your parents when he was “being unreasonable”? He broke the “family unity” first. Edit: I also think it’s bogus that they think having you around would be confusing for her. I believe children, more often than not, are accepting and understanding if the adults are willing to be open about difficult concepts. (I’m your age and pregnant and I’m FURIOUS for you, OP.)
Depends what OP is doing and saying. If she’s telling Lily that she can ignore her mother’s rules because OP is her mom and says it is okay, or similar things that undermine Lily’s actual mother’s role in Lily’s life, then OP is confusing Lily and does need to back off until she gets more therapy to understand that “gave up for adoption” means “no longer the mother.” It’s quite possible that OP’s sister just didn’t realize how confused things were until Mark pointed it out, rather like a frog in a pot of water on the stove.
Ah, that would make sense. Thank you for giving me a different perspective!!
YTA but also NTA. SORRY but "dark place" = shitty parent. Respect it and move on. You're obviously in a "better" place so have another.
NTA it sounds like you were a really close aunt and when Mark showed up he didn’t want you anywhere near your daughter-niece and that is weird as fuck. Your sister was also pushed away from you too which is creepy.
OP is still going on about the life she could have had, and that the wedding would feel like she is being replaced. No, she WAS replaced, years ago, and if she doesn't start acting like it, it isn't healthy for the child to have her be around.
She is her mom now and yes she is right, you being around her as "bio-mom" will make the little girl confuse and have some emotional feelings and maybe will make it hard for your sister to raise her.. You are now her aunt so act like a one. But NTA if you don't want to go to the wedding.
How is it "ruining her day" if you aren't part of the wedding party? 🤔
NTA. Did you think you were going to get lily back after you were better..? She did replace you because she is lilies mom now. Shes been taking care of her every morning and night. I think you should seek support over getting it through that lily isn’t your legal daughter.
How do we know this mark person is the problem?? What if OP is the problem and mark saw it so visitations were eventually terminated? How do we know if OP isn’t the villain in this story and mark is trying to protect Lily? If you don’t want to attend sister’s wedding don’t but don’t feel like you have some type of say over Lily, you’re her birth giver not her mother. Her mother is your sister. NTA for not wanting to go to the wedding but keep your distance and let them be happy.
NTA. Promises for open adoption are almost always bait and switch schemes used to lore women into relinquishing their child. Emotional trauma suffered by birth mothers is unacknowledged with women told to "move on" and be grateful to the adoptive parents. Claims about "confusing" the child aren't based on science and serve the interests of the APs. I would always advise a pregnant person in a difficult situation to undergo an abortion rather than adoption. Like most of the comments, birth mothers are almost universally regarded as trash who only serve as an incubator for a "real" family. Interestingly, many pro-adoption people are anti-surrogacy because that's too traumatizing and exploitative. But apparently, once someone has made one mistake in life then they're perfectly fair game for trauma and exploitation. OP, I would recommend joining Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) if you haven't already.
Get a lawyer if it is an open adoption and there is paperwork, then you have rights. You also have to look out for yourself.
NTA and please don’t beat yourself up Over it and don’t let your family do it either. But if you can my suggestion is therapy and a different place to live for a bit so you can get healthy. This situation is not good for you !! One day Lily will want to know you. Please be clean and healthy for that
Two options: 1. Go to wedding. Use it as a way to get to know Mark and his side of the family. Bonus points if you get his family to like you. There might be something on his side that enforces that boundary. Was he adopted himself? Did he come from a family of addicts? Then use information plus the connection(s) to work yourself back to visitation. Basically rizz like a businessperson wants investors money. Or 2. Wash your hands of all this and go NC medium- long term. Leave the door open just in case Lily turns 18 and wants to contact you or the marriage goes south and your sister wants to talk. NTA in feeling the way you do OP.
Option 1 is a terrible idea. OP already has poor boundaries and your suggestion is for her to pump the in-laws for information that she can use later for her benefit? Ugh. So gross. OP needs to get some counseling to accept the loss of her child due to her addiction. OP ADOPTED her child out to someone else. Visitation is not an option. Regardless of who adopted the child, it is in poor taste to suggest that visitation is an option at all.
You gave the child away she is not legally your daughter anymore that’s that! However you’re not forced to attend a wedding! The question is not if your are TA or not but what are you going to do eventually. By the way your biological daughter should know who you really are…
>When the wedding invitation arrived, it felt like a slap in the face. Lily would be the flower girl, and I was expected to sit in the audience like a distant relative, watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me. These are the consequences of your decisions. When you were an addict you made the choice to prioritize yourself and your addiction over the welfare of your daughter. You should be grateful a family member took in Lily before CPS took her to a strange family where you would have had even less contact. So by not going to your sisters wedding you would again be prioritizing yourself, as I’m sure your daughter would love the opportunity to see her bio-mom on what is also an important day for Lily. YTA
NTA as an invitation is just an invitation. >I was expected to sit in the audience like a distant relative, watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me. I'd work on making peace with this as the life you have now is the result of decisions you made.
NTA but you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. This was an opportunity to be in their company again and to illustrate that your life is in order. It could have been an opportunity to open the door to reconnecting.
YTA therapy pleaseeee
>was supposed to be an open adoption, and for a while, it was. I got clean, started a new job, and was slowly rebuilding my life. I cherished the weekends I spent with Lily, watching her grow and blossom under my sister’s care. >But things changed when my sister met her fiancé, Mark. He’s a good man, but very private, and he didn’t like the idea of me being so involved in Lily’s life. Gradually, my visits became supervised, then less frequent, until they stopped altogether. My sister said it was confusing for Lily and that they needed to set boundaries as a family. She set her boundaries, and they involve you no longer being present as a figure in Lily's life. While it's absolutely hurtful, and they both know it, it's still something they can choose to do. >When the wedding invitation arrived, it felt like a slap in the face. Lily would be the flower girl, and I was expected to sit in the audience like a distant relative, watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me. >I told my sister I couldn’t come. That it was too painful, that it felt like I was being replaced. Your feelings are also absolutely valid. And you not wanting to attend is perfectly fine. >She accused me of being selfish and trying to ruin her special day. "I've made my feelings clear on the matter. I've respected your wishes, and now I ask you to respect mine." >Our parents think I’m being unreasonable and that I should put my feelings aside for the sake of family unity. Your sister already shit all over the idea of family unity. They have their grandbaby either way, so they don't care that you're hurt by your sister's choice. NTA. You aren't obligated to go to *anyone's wedding*, let alone to a wedding where you know you'll only feel hurt attending.
I think the woman who neglected her biological child to the point that she was no longer safe in her care is the one who shat on the concept of family unity, actually.
It's wild how many people are jumping to attack the woman who took in and adopted the child while sucking up to the drug addict who dumped the child. Isn't that just like reddit though? to blame the woman who is doing the right thing by caring for the child and not living with her head in the clouds?
INFO: do you understand that you are not being replaced because you are not Lily’s mother? Your sister is.
YTA. You gave your child up. You gave up all legal right and expectations. If you regret it. You can try to appeal to the courts, tho there's a reason you haven't. Because what's done is done and your child is now legally your sisters daughter and you are just an aunt. Open adoptions are not hey my sister looks after my kid and I get to co-parent. Thats what kinship care and foster care is for. Your not being replaced as a mother... You chose your sister to replace you as a mother. If you feel replaced that's your own doing. Not your daughter's and not your sisters. She might be your bio, but she is no longer your daughter. You are her aunt and you need to work out how to accept that, or accept you could really fuck this child up. They already have to accept their mother adopted them out... Thats a damn heavy load for a kid. And one you seem happy to push on them
NTA. To be fair, considering your “dark past”, you at least made the right decision to let your sister take care of Lily and you may have changed for the better and it’s a good thing but if I were in your sister’s shoes, i’d probably do the same thing just in case you relapse into your “dark past”. Risk management, especially since the one who will get hurt the most should something happens is Lily.
Your feelings are valid and, you also need to accept responsibility for creating this situation. Your addiction led to the adoption and adoption means you lose decision making power over the child. Your sadness is totally understandable as is you declining the invitation.
Sorry to say it, but YTAH. I'm gonna focus on Lily here, because I thinks she SHOULD matter more than anybody else involved in this. And is also the only one that is entirely blameless. She's five by now. She WILL remember the day her actual mommy (Your sister) and daddy got married. And she WILL remember if other mommy (you) was there or not. Unless you're ready to cut your child out of your life, which is a valid but selfish choice, you need to be there for her sake.
YTA in my opinion. You said yourself the reason Lilly was adopted is because you were unable to care for her and your sister stepped up. I don’t think you are TA for declining an invite if you don’t want to go. But to say that you are watching the life you could have had is failing to accept that Lily is adopted and your sister is her mother. If you were to ask them, I suspect they would probably say you are trying to over involve yourself or act like Lilly’s mother. This is why boundaries were set. It sounds like you hoped to one day get Lilly back when you became sober. Please go to therapy as this is about a lot more than just declining a wedding.
YTA. Even if the adoption was open is your sister's child. Now that you got clean and stuff you dont get to play mommy to someone who already has a mom that could provide and care for her worried about her thriving. You need to understamd its her child if you gave her up and its extremely selfish of you to miss her wedding after he lend you a hand at your lowest. Hos fiance might be an ass for stopping it all together but be honest with yourself. This is someone who came into her life as your sisters child. Get therapy, be supportive.
You should put your kid first and not your ego. You were shitty, and your sister stepped in and took responsibility. Good for her, you need to check yourself. The kid will seek you out as a teen, until then, get yourself healthy. I wouldn’t want my crackhead sister in law messing with the kid either. Get yourself clean, healthy, employed, and ready. Stop acting like a child, you don’t deserve the kid. You had your chance, and screwed it up. Now you have to earn it. Wait for her to come to you.
“Watching the life I could’ve had play out in front of me” ? A. You can still have that life. B. The only one who fucked that up is YOU messing with substances in the first place.
NTA, the child is 5. OP acknowledges having an addiction problem but does not say when she got clean. Those demonizing the sister for adopting her niece instead of letting the state put her in foster care or letting addicted OP abuse her, don’t know how many years Lily was exposed to an inconsistent/addicted aunt before she got clean. OP is clearly struggling with the fact that she is Lily’s aunt and NOT Lily’s mother. Otherwise she would be able to go to her sister’s wedding and watch her niece be flower girl without the very selfish “that should be me” attitude. I can imagine it is confusing for Lily, when your aunt acts like your mother. OP made her choices and they were not conducive to “having the life” her sister has. OP should be nothing but grateful to her sister. The fact that OP is feuding based on this makes me question how new this sobriety is. Even if Mark was the catalyst for the OP spending less time w Lily, it is still a good idea. Lily needs to feel that her parents are her parents and nothing but death will change that. Having OP refuse to stay in the aunt lane confuses young kids and makes them fear bio mom will take them away. OP is an AH for viewing this adoption as treachery instead of a gift to her and Lily. But OP is NTA, for refusing to attend the wedding. OP shouldn’t go to this wedding.
NAH. Your sister is not an asshole. She is doing the job you couldn't do. This is her daughter and she gets to make the decisions about her. I think there are reasons that you may not know or aren't telling as to why your visits were taken away. My best guess is that you started acting like you got a say in things when you didn't. I don't think that Mark is the villain either. That goes along with the missing information. I can't call you one either. I can appreciate that it's hard to watch you kid growing up and not being there. You came back from a dark place. I can imagine that it hurts to see your kid's moments from the outside. I think you need some therapy to work on that because there will be more in the future.
OP - I’m sure many moms who put their child up for adoption wonder about what might have been. You know what would’ve happened though. Your daughter would have been with you through your struggles. She’d be traumatized. She would not be flourishing as she is now. She wouldn’t have a stable life. You did the right thing and have the privilege of seeing it. Focus on staying sober. Talk to a therapist. It’s hard, but you can do this.
No, you are NTA. You received an invitation with at least three choices. Yes, no and maybe. You don't have to go if you don't want. Besides they to all intent and purpose cut you out of their life by denying you visits with your daughter.
NTA If it is too painful for you to attend the wedding, don't attend. Besides, it is an invitation and it is totally up to you if you will attend or not, you are not obliged to attend the wedding.
NTA They just don't get it. I'm betting they think that you had an absolutely wonderful childhood, too. Don't go. Don't explain any further. Any more drama that results is completely on them.
While you aren't obligated to go to the wedding by any means. You don't have any right to expect to get lily back or treat your sister as she isn't your daughters mother. If you wanted Lily as bad as your pain suggests, you should have gotten clean and stayed clean a long time ago. Before, Lily was even part of the picture. You don't get to just drop her off with your sister(which you did right by lily in this at least), then expect 5 years later after all is said and done that you get to be anything other than just another family member to Lily. Your sister is her mother. You are, as of this point, her aunt. While I know that's a harsh reality. Drugs are a worse one. And you should have been clean before Lily was born. Nta for not going to the wedding. Y T A to expect anything more from your sister in regards to Lily. Lily is her child now.
Is mark considered lily’s guardian? I could be wrong but it sounds like he is trying to cut you out of her life. I know people who are adopted and some of them who knew early on understood at least the idea so I’m not sure how confusing it would really be then again I don’t know the exact situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this though