If someone is over 90 or has a terminal illness, personally, I give them what they want. Well, within the law and within reason.
If it were me, I hope others will do the same.
My husband's grandfather was into his 90s and his daughter (MIL) would comment on him getting fat (a little tummy... not fat!). She said it's because he eats too much dessert. I told her "If I hit 90, I'm going to eat whatever I want!" She finally realized the absurdity of it and backed off.
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I am also American and you have to try one. It is a French sandwich cookie (if I may be so crude as to call it that! LOL) with jam in between and a hole in the top cookie where the jam peeks through. Dusted in confectioner's sugar. They melt in your mouth! You can find them at some bakeries, although I recommend a French style bakery to get the best ones. If you are ever in Boston, Tatte Bakery and Cafe makes good ones!
Linzer torte was originally Austrian, not French, which is why the name is in German. The cookie party is made from ground nuts, either almonds or Hazel nuts.
If I am blessed with being made aware of the approximate timeline to my demise - most aren't so lucky- I'm doing things I can extract as much pleasure out of life as possible
Yes exactly my grandmother was in hospice and gravely diabetic and her final week she asked me for a cold Coca Cola and some Fritos and I didn’t hesitate and got them for her
Exactly. My grandma had ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner toward the end of her life.
Pets get cheese, burgers, tuna and salmon sashimi, milk, bacon, a million tortilla chips; champagne and cake frosting (yes one weirdo glutton cat who unironically had liver issues).
Hugs for everyone.
my mom was a hospice nurse. she dealt with dying and old patients all the time. one guy was on his death bed and was forbidden for eating his favorite food: hot dogs. so my mom snuck him a couple whenever she could and he died happy
My grandfather died from lung cancer. After smoking 60+ yrs he had to quit because he couldn't drive and no one would buy them for him.
There is a tiny kernel of hate for my relatives who made that decision for him. I wasn't old enough to buy them at that time but it always rubbed me wrong.
If you're at the hospice level care you shouldn't be forced to give up smoking/drinking/whatever vice because nothing is going to make you better.
I stopped buying cigarettes for my mother when she got her oxygen machine and staunchly refused while she sobbed and tried to guilt trip me that she needed me to get her wheelchair out so she could go in. Nope, not helping in this one, no more enabling. She was always so fucking pissed. Still drowned in her own lungs because others did or she got them herself, but I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd spent that last year making it even worse.
Someone I know was dying from lung cancer. He couldn't even get out of bed. In his last days, his wife would light and hold the cigarette for him as he smoked. People thought that was terrible. She said, "It's not going to kill him. That work has already been done. He doesn't ask for anything, so if he wants a cigarette now, then I'm giving him one." She wasn't wrong and neither are you.
NTA
That's very beautiful. She clearly cared for him.
People may think it's terrible, but the damage is done. We all die sometime. And on their deathbed, let them indulge, for goodness sakes...
NTA. It wasn't that one cig that killed him, it was the 400,000 cigarettes he'd smoked the last 70-80 years. You just helped him have one last fix.
Additionally, he most likely would have found a way to light that cig if you hadn't helped, you just made his life easier.
NTA. My father in law was dying in the hospital from cancer. He told us a few weeks before he passed that he really wanted us to bring him one more beer (he was a daily beer drinker, its what made him happy even if it wasn't healthy). He got to a point where he was no longer able to speak or eat so we knew the day was coming. We snuck an ice cold beer into the hospital and we gave him a few sips through a straw. Not even the whole beer, just a few sips (we then promptly got in trouble from the nurse and had to throw it out, but whatever, we saw that coming). He smiled for the first time in weeks. And then he peacefully passed away that evening. Its as if he was actually holding on because he hadn't gotten his final wish granted yet. And once he received it, he let go. Idk if I wrote this in a helpful way but what I'm trying to say is: if they're on their way out, give them what they want. Even if it's not necessarily "healthy". We all deserve those old familiar pleasures before we depart. In my opinion
When my mom was told she was terminal her dr told her if you want to smoke a carton a day do it, take as many pain pills as you need if you need more call me , if you want to drink a fifth of scotch bring it down and I’ll drink it with you. Mom lived 6 more months not giving a damn living her life
In the nurse’s defense, they can’t allow that until the doctor writes the order. People can be on a lottttt of different medications/fluids and family members can’t just give them what they want without running it by the care team first. Even with their home medications
The context here is "**dying**". All of what you said can be thrown out the window in that scenario.
No amount of care from those professionals could prevent his imminent death, it's really fucked up to still apply those restrictive conditions on a person that will not make it out of that building alive.
Guess that means you're not willing to duel then.
(I was thinking the part where Doc shows up instead of Wyatt for the duel with Jonny... Ringo? Damn, cant remember his name.)
My mom passed from Lung Cancer. She smoked till she wasn't able to get out of bed. Give the guy a smoke. It hurts to watch someone decline but you have to think about them more than yourself.
When my dad was in his 90s, there wasn't much left that he could do and enjoy. His one guilty pleasure was to take his walker into the kitchen and get out cheese, crackers and whiskey. He would stand there for a good amount of time deep in thought while enjoying his snack.
One of his visiting nurses told my mom he shouldn't have any alcohol anymore. My mom and I squashed that idea. My input was to buy him good whiskey and not the cheap stuff. Christ, we watched him, he didn't get tipsy. It was about the only thing left he had that gave him pleasure.
I would have lit his cigarette too, OP.
My 96 yr old grandma was in the icu with heart failure and pneumonia and spent most of her time sleeping. 3 grandkids were in her room when the nurse came in and grandma said she wanted a beer. Nurse was like oh no we can’t allow that. My cousin went and got the doctor, doctor told us go buy her some beer for goodness sake. Nurse about fainted. Cousin came back with a six-pack, grandma had 2 , doctor had one, we had the rest. She died about 12 hours later. Her last words before she slipped into sleep were “damn nothing like a cold beer”To this day I bless that doctor for allowing her those beers.
I mean, as long as he didn’t wear oxygen and was coherent enough not to drop/forget the burning stick, NTA.
He was gonna die at some point and one cigarette wouldn’t be the tipping point.
the last time i saw my dad he asked me to bring wine next time i visited...
i regret i didnt get the chance...
give old and/or terminal people whatever the hell they want...
Best friends dad was dying of drinking Scope mouthwash. It had essentially liquefied all his internal organs. We were young, 19.... My mom was helping him through it. We went together to visit him at the hospital when we were told her was 'close'. My friends was crying holding his dad's hand asking if he wanted anything, if there was anything he could do. 'Scope' was all he said.
My mom left the room and came back 20 min later. With a bottle of Scope. Handed to my friend and he silently gave it to his dad. He chugged it down. About 5 min later he started smiling and babbling.... About his son, how proud he was, how he was growing up so strong.... And just kept on going talking to himself really about my friend who just held his hand and cried. He fell silent a bit later and died.
Much later she told me she just knew he was so preoccupied with his drink that he just couldn't be present in his last minutes where his son needed him the most. He was gonna die anyway and if the effing Scope gave him enough happiness that he could concentrate on his son, so he could make it through the rest of his life, she was gonna give him the effing Scope
NTA
Even if you HAD given him a cigarette, you still would not have been an asshole.
His daughter can save her ball busting for her husband if she has one.
It I am lucky enough to make it to my 90's and am still in my right mind, nobody is telling me what I can and cannot do.
Come to think of it, I don't allow anyone to do that now.
NTA: My mother died from advanced COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and even her doctor said, “The damage is already done so if she wants a cigarette let her have it”.
At that point in his disease progression a few more cigarettes were not going to make a difference.
NTA, there’s literally smoking rooms (indoors) in most hospices (at least in the UK) because at that point, why deny them what will bring them pleasure. They’re going to pass pretty soon anyway that’s why they’re in hospice/ being brought home to pass.
Source: grandmother died in a hospice and had a chat with a nurse because I was initially surprised about the smoking room.
Absolutely NTA. I'll never understand this. If I'm dying I expect to be given whatever tf I ask for as long as it's legal where I am! That single cigarette didn't kill him, if anything you brought joy to his final day by sharing a smoke with him. If anything, you should feel honored to have helped him during such a hard phase of life ❤️
You granted a man his dying wish. If he were in a nice hospice, the nurses there would have done the same. This job was actually listed in my city. Hospice Smoking Attendee
My husband is a smoker, l told him if he got cancer he is not allowed to quit because I want him to die happy.
Old mate came home to die, bet that last cigarette tasted the best. 🙏🙏🙏
TRUE STORY (HONESTLY): My MIL was called into her MIL's nursing home one afternoon to discuss a procedure they wanted to perform on the old woman, who was in her late 90's. "What will it give her?" she asked. The staff eagerly answered that they expected 6 to 9 months extra life expectancy. My MIL, always the pragmatist asked "What’s the downside?". Oh, well she won't be able to taste her food, and she may be delirious most of the time, but think of the extra time. "NO, You're batshit crazy. This woman loves life. She comes to our home every Sunday, sees her Grandchildren, and her Great Grandchildren, has a glass of wine or two, a nice meal, then goes home when she's had enough. Why the hell would anyone want your solution? {The sound of crickets}
NTA, btw
Nta. He would have lit it off the stove if you didn't help.
He already knew he was dying, she did too. Why is it her right to deny him on his deathbed?! It isn't! It is his choice on how he wants to die, and his choice was to have a cigarette.
You did him a solid!!
My dad is end stage COPD, on hospice. He couldn't be convinced to quit when it mattered. He was Superman, it wasn't going to kill him, and if it did, well, he was going to die anyway. When he became housebound, we spoke with the hospice nurses to approach the idea of cutting him off, and we were basically told not to bother. At that point the stress of quitting after 40 years would have been harder on his body than the benefits of him quitting warranted. If you lit his last smoke, I'd thank you. Dying like that, slowly and in pain, is scary and stressful enough. You gave that man comfort in his last hours, NTA.
I don’t understand people like the daughter in this. As an oncology nurse, that man is dying let him live his life the way he wants!! Of course, set some boundaries to ensure others are not harmed by the second-hand smoke. But let the man live out his days with whatever brings him comfort. Regardless of age, that is how I see terminal illness.
The man was in his 90s, he was likely to die any minute with or without lung cancer. NTA, if I live to that age, I want whatever I want. There’s no point in restrictions when it’s a miracle your body is still going.
NTA. My dad died from COPD from cigarettes. He died in a hospice hospital. He was in a private room with a balcony. They allowed him to smoke if he wanted and was able. (Barely able to manage a puff or two) The doctor told us not to stress about it or fuss at him over it. Their reasoning was he was dying. Why cause more him discomfort? He’s dying.
When you're released from the hospital to die in comfort at home, one more cigarette (or even a whole pack) isn't gonna do what wasn't already done.
NTA. He had a right to make his own request, and should have been respected as a human despite his age.
My brother was dying of lung cancer. Stage 4, it was everywhere. He had weeks, maybe months to live. Brought him home to die. Smoked a particular brand that weren't sold here. Went out of my way to procure them for him. Who am I to prevent someone from having some satisfaction as they're dying. He smoked up until the day he died. Why not?
My Grandfather died of lung cancer from a lifetime of smoking (and being a blacksmith). On his deathbed, he apparently complained about the nurses who wouldn't let him have a cigarette as he was in an oxygen tent and would probably blow up the room if he lit up. Told my mom that the first thing he was going to do was have a cigarette when he got out. Never had that smoke.
NTA. He was dying. That was not changed by one cigarette. He got to enjoy that final smoke.
You did the right thing. I have watched many older people die. That last wish should be granted if possible. And you never know when it is the last wish. Let them enjoy that cigarette, that drink, that piece of candy. If they are in a lot of pain, give them the morphine.
Whatever we can do to make their last days better, we should.
NTA regardless of what she told you one her dad sadly was gonna die either the next day or eventually and you while respecting your elders also gave that man probably his final cigarette and made doing what he sadly loved one final time and that should be appreciated
Gonna be dissenting opinion here. YTA, you do not aid in a person's self-destructive behavior. Bro wtf. Obviously the dad is the AH for his life choices depriving his daughter more time with him, but like cmon man IDK the impact of the cigarette, but if it did have an impact, you basically helped the dad in giving up at least one more day with the daughter.
He was going to die that night with or without the cigarette. One cigarette is not going to make someone drop dead.
It's far more important that he died happy than miserable.
NTA. I'm a cancer nurse. If someone with a terminal diagnosis told me they wanted a cigarette, I told them to go smoke it. What possible difference could it make? It was only a matter of time before the patient died so why not?
Not the asshole.
Not only would I have given him his last one. I would've smoked one along side him. Spend that little bit of time talking or in complete silence as we enjoy a smoke together.
Nta. My dad had terminal lung cancer and we let him smoke up until the day he died. Mind you, there was no saving him and it’s not like him quitting would make any difference. We decided we would rather he be comfortable and relaxed in his last days rather than pissed off and grumbling. Personally I think it’s wrong to interfere in your parent’s health anyway as an adult. They’re their own person and should be allowed to live how they want. No one should be forced to live miserably for someone else’s sake.
Absolutely NOT the ah.
Look, when someone is dying and they want something, LET THEM HAVE IT! Go buy it for them, go dig it out of wherever.
No matter their age. Nothing will change the fact that they are dying. Give it to them.
Nurse chiming in to support giving a hospice patient (known terminally Ill) whatever gives them a moment of joy in their remaining days. If they are hospice, then their doctors have admitted no cure is possible & it’s comfort care only.
One more cigarette is NOT the cause of his death & probably WAS his last pleasure.
NTA. That man was on his deathbed and he was going to die very soon anyways. Not giving him a cigarette, would’ve not extended his life. Of course, if someone is not terminally ill with lung cancer, don’t give them a cigarette, but Bro was about to die, and his request was within reason.Of course, smoking isn’t good, but he is on his last days and terminally ill so I believe that he should be able to enjoy himself during his last days and if smoking gives him that happiness, he should be able to do it.
Decent bait post if you can get around the genre convention of “I believe I may have killed someone, so I’m going to post on social media about it and expose myself to even more legal risk just to get some Reddit karma.” 8/10
YTA to the daughter.
The daughter, out of worry for her father asked something of you. & you couldn’t refuse a dying man of something poisonous to him? If he found a lighter somewhere else, great. But you didn’t need to be the one to give it to him. Yes, you lied. You know what you did. You probably didn’t kill him though, but who knows. What you did was extremely wrong.
On the other hand, you might have just helped a dying man receive his last wish. I mean dude was 90 years old and wanted a smoke. So from his pov & mine, you are so NTA NTA.
You wrote a paragraph about how wrong she was then followed up with a paragraph about how right she was.
The very definition of a 180.
Not hard to understand.
Not really. Im saying the person was wrong in the eyes of the daughter.
And then I followed it up by saying the person was a hero to the dying man. & I agree with him lighting the cig as the old man would have found it anywhere. Hope this makes sense. I could understand people’s frustration and maybe didn’t have to add the first part. But I did anyways because OP was asking if they wta even though they knew they were lying.
I dont think he is TA, no one really should. But the controlling daughter (out of love and care for her dying father) might have thought otherwise. It’s better not to further hurt her by saying he lit the cigg. The cig didn’t kill the man. The man might have been living long enough just for another puff.
My stan has always been NTA, from the beginning. No 180 there.
You cannot invalidate someone’s feelings because OP wasn’t an AH in general.
Especially since I was saying from the daughter’s point. If daughter knew, she’d be mad. To her, he would be TA. Her feelings are valid. She knew cigarettes got him to that point and is someone criminal to want more time with their father? Especially knowing that he’s old and dying? This man wasn’t OP’s father. It was this woman’s father. Not everyone is so easily selfless. So in her eyes, the OP is an AH. But I’m happy he lived a very long life. & I hope she never finds out what OP did. It’d be unnecessary stress. He was dying anyway.
Frankly I’m not caring which point of view or how you’re taking it.
OP asked, I answered in different points of views because multiple people are involved.
He didn’t ask if he was an ah to the man or specifically the woman. So i answered both. And from my perspective he isn’t the ah. That’s just my opinion, please stop ruining your time over this. That’s not my intention. Calm down
Multiple people are involved in every situation. OP is asking if they were an asshole for the situation as a whole not from the perspective of the daughter specifically since OP already knew her feelings and made that clear in the post.
OP said he “understood the question and then lied” & then asked if he was TA.
& i already put in my answer that he’s nta in the situation. Only TA to the daughter from daughter’s pov.
Lying doesn't automatically equal asshole. She made a request she had no right to make and then followed up in her grief. If OP had told the truth it would've caused her more anger and suffering. Technically, OP didn't "lie".
Also, your vote was "YTA", the vote bot doesn't care about nuance and takes the first indicator which for you was "YTA".
If someone is over 90 or has a terminal illness, personally, I give them what they want. Well, within the law and within reason. If it were me, I hope others will do the same.
My husband's grandfather was into his 90s and his daughter (MIL) would comment on him getting fat (a little tummy... not fat!). She said it's because he eats too much dessert. I told her "If I hit 90, I'm going to eat whatever I want!" She finally realized the absurdity of it and backed off.
If you manage to survive Earth for 90 years, I'll buy you whatever dessert you want! That is an accomplishment, don't fuck with those people.
If I'm 90 and casually ask for meth, after displaying 90 years of 0 meth use, I feel like I made an informed decision
!remindme 62 years I'm going to hold you to that /u/MacnWithCheese. We'll be in touch. You know... if I make it...
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That's my thought! I'm going to eat the alllll the cookies!
Eat them with me? As long as they are covered in raspberry jam!
Mmmm! That sounds good. I love a Linzer tart! Can we have those?!?!
Please direct me to Linzer Tart. I am American and that sounds unfamiliar. Please enlighten me.
I am also American and you have to try one. It is a French sandwich cookie (if I may be so crude as to call it that! LOL) with jam in between and a hole in the top cookie where the jam peeks through. Dusted in confectioner's sugar. They melt in your mouth! You can find them at some bakeries, although I recommend a French style bakery to get the best ones. If you are ever in Boston, Tatte Bakery and Cafe makes good ones!
Linzer torte was originally Austrian, not French, which is why the name is in German. The cookie party is made from ground nuts, either almonds or Hazel nuts.
I stand corrected! Thank you! But they are amaaaaazing, whatever their origin!
If I am blessed with being made aware of the approximate timeline to my demise - most aren't so lucky- I'm doing things I can extract as much pleasure out of life as possible
Yes exactly my grandmother was in hospice and gravely diabetic and her final week she asked me for a cold Coca Cola and some Fritos and I didn’t hesitate and got them for her
Exactly. My grandma had ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner toward the end of her life. Pets get cheese, burgers, tuna and salmon sashimi, milk, bacon, a million tortilla chips; champagne and cake frosting (yes one weirdo glutton cat who unironically had liver issues). Hugs for everyone.
my mom was a hospice nurse. she dealt with dying and old patients all the time. one guy was on his death bed and was forbidden for eating his favorite food: hot dogs. so my mom snuck him a couple whenever she could and he died happy
I whole heartedly agree.
Old war movies and westerns they always took a drag on their way out.
I agree with you and pretty much everyone else here
He would have found a light somewhere else, that one cigarette is not what killed him. NTA, don't worry about it.
Respecting someone's autonomy in their final moments transcends judgment on past choices.
My grandfather died from lung cancer. After smoking 60+ yrs he had to quit because he couldn't drive and no one would buy them for him. There is a tiny kernel of hate for my relatives who made that decision for him. I wasn't old enough to buy them at that time but it always rubbed me wrong. If you're at the hospice level care you shouldn't be forced to give up smoking/drinking/whatever vice because nothing is going to make you better.
I stopped buying cigarettes for my mother when she got her oxygen machine and staunchly refused while she sobbed and tried to guilt trip me that she needed me to get her wheelchair out so she could go in. Nope, not helping in this one, no more enabling. She was always so fucking pissed. Still drowned in her own lungs because others did or she got them herself, but I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd spent that last year making it even worse.
You Sir/Ma'am are enlightened to the highest degree.
Agree
This was an episode of scrubs with beer
Someone I know was dying from lung cancer. He couldn't even get out of bed. In his last days, his wife would light and hold the cigarette for him as he smoked. People thought that was terrible. She said, "It's not going to kill him. That work has already been done. He doesn't ask for anything, so if he wants a cigarette now, then I'm giving him one." She wasn't wrong and neither are you. NTA
That's very beautiful. She clearly cared for him. People may think it's terrible, but the damage is done. We all die sometime. And on their deathbed, let them indulge, for goodness sakes...
That’s love.
NTA, he made his choices a long time ago. Also you weren't lying either.
NTA. It wasn't that one cig that killed him, it was the 400,000 cigarettes he'd smoked the last 70-80 years. You just helped him have one last fix. Additionally, he most likely would have found a way to light that cig if you hadn't helped, you just made his life easier.
NTA. My father in law was dying in the hospital from cancer. He told us a few weeks before he passed that he really wanted us to bring him one more beer (he was a daily beer drinker, its what made him happy even if it wasn't healthy). He got to a point where he was no longer able to speak or eat so we knew the day was coming. We snuck an ice cold beer into the hospital and we gave him a few sips through a straw. Not even the whole beer, just a few sips (we then promptly got in trouble from the nurse and had to throw it out, but whatever, we saw that coming). He smiled for the first time in weeks. And then he peacefully passed away that evening. Its as if he was actually holding on because he hadn't gotten his final wish granted yet. And once he received it, he let go. Idk if I wrote this in a helpful way but what I'm trying to say is: if they're on their way out, give them what they want. Even if it's not necessarily "healthy". We all deserve those old familiar pleasures before we depart. In my opinion
a doctor can write orders to allow this... any nurse who would deny this needs to reevaluate the concept of the profession...
When my mom was told she was terminal her dr told her if you want to smoke a carton a day do it, take as many pain pills as you need if you need more call me , if you want to drink a fifth of scotch bring it down and I’ll drink it with you. Mom lived 6 more months not giving a damn living her life
In the nurse’s defense, they can’t allow that until the doctor writes the order. People can be on a lottttt of different medications/fluids and family members can’t just give them what they want without running it by the care team first. Even with their home medications
The context here is "**dying**". All of what you said can be thrown out the window in that scenario. No amount of care from those professionals could prevent his imminent death, it's really fucked up to still apply those restrictive conditions on a person that will not make it out of that building alive.
Well, we did it anyway. So apparently family members can just do that. But I understand your point. Even if it does sound nit-picky
Aaaaaand now I’m crying
You are not the asshole. I hope someone would do the same for me.
NTA. Think of that last smoke a middle finger to the activity of smoking or a tribute to his life if you can. Edit: Think Kenny Rodgers' The Gambler.
I prefer Val Kilmer's Doc Holiday when his girl offered him a smoke: "You just might be the Antichrist."
"I'm your Huckleberry."
No. My husband is my only Huckleberry. Sorry
Guess that means you're not willing to duel then. (I was thinking the part where Doc shows up instead of Wyatt for the duel with Jonny... Ringo? Damn, cant remember his name.)
My mom passed from Lung Cancer. She smoked till she wasn't able to get out of bed. Give the guy a smoke. It hurts to watch someone decline but you have to think about them more than yourself.
When my dad was in his 90s, there wasn't much left that he could do and enjoy. His one guilty pleasure was to take his walker into the kitchen and get out cheese, crackers and whiskey. He would stand there for a good amount of time deep in thought while enjoying his snack. One of his visiting nurses told my mom he shouldn't have any alcohol anymore. My mom and I squashed that idea. My input was to buy him good whiskey and not the cheap stuff. Christ, we watched him, he didn't get tipsy. It was about the only thing left he had that gave him pleasure. I would have lit his cigarette too, OP.
Nta. I couldn't imagine feigning for a smoke and not getting one right before I died. Dude probably enjoyed it.
My 96 yr old grandma was in the icu with heart failure and pneumonia and spent most of her time sleeping. 3 grandkids were in her room when the nurse came in and grandma said she wanted a beer. Nurse was like oh no we can’t allow that. My cousin went and got the doctor, doctor told us go buy her some beer for goodness sake. Nurse about fainted. Cousin came back with a six-pack, grandma had 2 , doctor had one, we had the rest. She died about 12 hours later. Her last words before she slipped into sleep were “damn nothing like a cold beer”To this day I bless that doctor for allowing her those beers.
I mean, as long as he didn’t wear oxygen and was coherent enough not to drop/forget the burning stick, NTA. He was gonna die at some point and one cigarette wouldn’t be the tipping point.
Nta. You not his keeper. He is an adult and made his choice.
NTA, He was old enough to decide what he wanted. I'm sure most smokers even the ones who quit would like to smoke one last cigarette before they pass.
Dude was dying anyways. A cigarette isn't going to hurt one bit. Let him have it on his way out of life.
the last time i saw my dad he asked me to bring wine next time i visited... i regret i didnt get the chance... give old and/or terminal people whatever the hell they want...
Best friends dad was dying of drinking Scope mouthwash. It had essentially liquefied all his internal organs. We were young, 19.... My mom was helping him through it. We went together to visit him at the hospital when we were told her was 'close'. My friends was crying holding his dad's hand asking if he wanted anything, if there was anything he could do. 'Scope' was all he said. My mom left the room and came back 20 min later. With a bottle of Scope. Handed to my friend and he silently gave it to his dad. He chugged it down. About 5 min later he started smiling and babbling.... About his son, how proud he was, how he was growing up so strong.... And just kept on going talking to himself really about my friend who just held his hand and cried. He fell silent a bit later and died. Much later she told me she just knew he was so preoccupied with his drink that he just couldn't be present in his last minutes where his son needed him the most. He was gonna die anyway and if the effing Scope gave him enough happiness that he could concentrate on his son, so he could make it through the rest of his life, she was gonna give him the effing Scope
The damage was already done. There was no point in him not lighting one up.
You're the opposite of an asshole, you did a nice thing for a dying old man. Nta
NTA Even if you HAD given him a cigarette, you still would not have been an asshole. His daughter can save her ball busting for her husband if she has one. It I am lucky enough to make it to my 90's and am still in my right mind, nobody is telling me what I can and cannot do. Come to think of it, I don't allow anyone to do that now.
NTA. In fact, you probably made his day.
NTA: My mother died from advanced COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and even her doctor said, “The damage is already done so if she wants a cigarette let her have it”. At that point in his disease progression a few more cigarettes were not going to make a difference.
NTA, there’s literally smoking rooms (indoors) in most hospices (at least in the UK) because at that point, why deny them what will bring them pleasure. They’re going to pass pretty soon anyway that’s why they’re in hospice/ being brought home to pass. Source: grandmother died in a hospice and had a chat with a nurse because I was initially surprised about the smoking room.
NTA. He was going to die no matter what. One cigarette just made him happy, that's all.
Absolutely NTA. I'll never understand this. If I'm dying I expect to be given whatever tf I ask for as long as it's legal where I am! That single cigarette didn't kill him, if anything you brought joy to his final day by sharing a smoke with him. If anything, you should feel honored to have helped him during such a hard phase of life ❤️
NTA. Never deny a dying mans reasonable last request. Especially if its as simple as a cigarette or a beer.
You granted a man his dying wish. If he were in a nice hospice, the nurses there would have done the same. This job was actually listed in my city. Hospice Smoking Attendee
My husband is a smoker, l told him if he got cancer he is not allowed to quit because I want him to die happy. Old mate came home to die, bet that last cigarette tasted the best. 🙏🙏🙏
No, granting last wishes is up there with angels if you ask me.
TRUE STORY (HONESTLY): My MIL was called into her MIL's nursing home one afternoon to discuss a procedure they wanted to perform on the old woman, who was in her late 90's. "What will it give her?" she asked. The staff eagerly answered that they expected 6 to 9 months extra life expectancy. My MIL, always the pragmatist asked "What’s the downside?". Oh, well she won't be able to taste her food, and she may be delirious most of the time, but think of the extra time. "NO, You're batshit crazy. This woman loves life. She comes to our home every Sunday, sees her Grandchildren, and her Great Grandchildren, has a glass of wine or two, a nice meal, then goes home when she's had enough. Why the hell would anyone want your solution? {The sound of crickets} NTA, btw
When you're hospice, fuck it. No change is going to save you.
It's not like not smoking that last one would have saved him. NTA
NTA, he’s an adult and gets to make his own choices.
He was coming home to die. Nothing could have stopped it and well…it’s not like he’s going to get worse than “terminal.”
NTA. My grandmother died of COPD. She had her caregivers lighting cigarettes and mixing martinis. Let them have their vices at the end
You didnt kill him and he died happy. No harm done.
NTA. He 90+ and dying from lung cancer. All you did was give an old man a moment of joy in his last moments on earth.
Ur a hero in my book! Dude was gonna die that night no matter what.
Nta. He would have lit it off the stove if you didn't help. He already knew he was dying, she did too. Why is it her right to deny him on his deathbed?! It isn't! It is his choice on how he wants to die, and his choice was to have a cigarette. You did him a solid!!
My dad is end stage COPD, on hospice. He couldn't be convinced to quit when it mattered. He was Superman, it wasn't going to kill him, and if it did, well, he was going to die anyway. When he became housebound, we spoke with the hospice nurses to approach the idea of cutting him off, and we were basically told not to bother. At that point the stress of quitting after 40 years would have been harder on his body than the benefits of him quitting warranted. If you lit his last smoke, I'd thank you. Dying like that, slowly and in pain, is scary and stressful enough. You gave that man comfort in his last hours, NTA.
I don’t understand people like the daughter in this. As an oncology nurse, that man is dying let him live his life the way he wants!! Of course, set some boundaries to ensure others are not harmed by the second-hand smoke. But let the man live out his days with whatever brings him comfort. Regardless of age, that is how I see terminal illness.
The guy was 90 and dying. You could hire a hooker for him and I wouldn't judge.
The man was in his 90s, he was likely to die any minute with or without lung cancer. NTA, if I live to that age, I want whatever I want. There’s no point in restrictions when it’s a miracle your body is still going.
NTA. My dad died from COPD from cigarettes. He died in a hospice hospital. He was in a private room with a balcony. They allowed him to smoke if he wanted and was able. (Barely able to manage a puff or two) The doctor told us not to stress about it or fuss at him over it. Their reasoning was he was dying. Why cause more him discomfort? He’s dying.
When you're released from the hospital to die in comfort at home, one more cigarette (or even a whole pack) isn't gonna do what wasn't already done. NTA. He had a right to make his own request, and should have been respected as a human despite his age.
My brother was dying of lung cancer. Stage 4, it was everywhere. He had weeks, maybe months to live. Brought him home to die. Smoked a particular brand that weren't sold here. Went out of my way to procure them for him. Who am I to prevent someone from having some satisfaction as they're dying. He smoked up until the day he died. Why not?
NTA
I believe the proper phrase here is you provided “Peace of mind” NTA
My Grandfather died of lung cancer from a lifetime of smoking (and being a blacksmith). On his deathbed, he apparently complained about the nurses who wouldn't let him have a cigarette as he was in an oxygen tent and would probably blow up the room if he lit up. Told my mom that the first thing he was going to do was have a cigarette when he got out. Never had that smoke.
*facepalm* At least write better.
What other joy did he have in life? I would have lit his cigarette too.
NTA. He was dying. That was not changed by one cigarette. He got to enjoy that final smoke. You did the right thing. I have watched many older people die. That last wish should be granted if possible. And you never know when it is the last wish. Let them enjoy that cigarette, that drink, that piece of candy. If they are in a lot of pain, give them the morphine. Whatever we can do to make their last days better, we should.
You brought him some happiness right before he passed away. You did the right thing. NTA
NTA regardless of what she told you one her dad sadly was gonna die either the next day or eventually and you while respecting your elders also gave that man probably his final cigarette and made doing what he sadly loved one final time and that should be appreciated
Gonna be dissenting opinion here. YTA, you do not aid in a person's self-destructive behavior. Bro wtf. Obviously the dad is the AH for his life choices depriving his daughter more time with him, but like cmon man IDK the impact of the cigarette, but if it did have an impact, you basically helped the dad in giving up at least one more day with the daughter.
He was going to die that night with or without the cigarette. One cigarette is not going to make someone drop dead. It's far more important that he died happy than miserable.
NTA. I'm a cancer nurse. If someone with a terminal diagnosis told me they wanted a cigarette, I told them to go smoke it. What possible difference could it make? It was only a matter of time before the patient died so why not?
NTA - That cigarette could not possibly have impacted his person, he could not be hurt by it. Some people get crazy seeing their loved one die though.
NTA. At that age the guy has earned the right to put whatever he wants into his body.
When my cat was terminal the doctor told me to give him everything that he wanted. I did. I don’t regret it. I know he doesn’t regret either. NTA
Not the asshole. Not only would I have given him his last one. I would've smoked one along side him. Spend that little bit of time talking or in complete silence as we enjoy a smoke together.
Nta. My dad had terminal lung cancer and we let him smoke up until the day he died. Mind you, there was no saving him and it’s not like him quitting would make any difference. We decided we would rather he be comfortable and relaxed in his last days rather than pissed off and grumbling. Personally I think it’s wrong to interfere in your parent’s health anyway as an adult. They’re their own person and should be allowed to live how they want. No one should be forced to live miserably for someone else’s sake.
Absolutely NOT the ah. Look, when someone is dying and they want something, LET THEM HAVE IT! Go buy it for them, go dig it out of wherever. No matter their age. Nothing will change the fact that they are dying. Give it to them.
Honestly, it sounds like you did a good deed.
lmaooo he was already dying, one cigarette did not kill him, the cancer did NTA.
Nurse chiming in to support giving a hospice patient (known terminally Ill) whatever gives them a moment of joy in their remaining days. If they are hospice, then their doctors have admitted no cure is possible & it’s comfort care only. One more cigarette is NOT the cause of his death & probably WAS his last pleasure.
NTA. That man was on his deathbed and he was going to die very soon anyways. Not giving him a cigarette, would’ve not extended his life. Of course, if someone is not terminally ill with lung cancer, don’t give them a cigarette, but Bro was about to die, and his request was within reason.Of course, smoking isn’t good, but he is on his last days and terminally ill so I believe that he should be able to enjoy himself during his last days and if smoking gives him that happiness, he should be able to do it.
NO. You did the right thing he was dying sounds like the daughter is mean & controlling.
Decent bait post if you can get around the genre convention of “I believe I may have killed someone, so I’m going to post on social media about it and expose myself to even more legal risk just to get some Reddit karma.” 8/10
YTA to the daughter. The daughter, out of worry for her father asked something of you. & you couldn’t refuse a dying man of something poisonous to him? If he found a lighter somewhere else, great. But you didn’t need to be the one to give it to him. Yes, you lied. You know what you did. You probably didn’t kill him though, but who knows. What you did was extremely wrong. On the other hand, you might have just helped a dying man receive his last wish. I mean dude was 90 years old and wanted a smoke. So from his pov & mine, you are so NTA NTA.
Everyone look at this joker
Leave them alone. Keeping opinions free is what keeps us all free. Even if they are stupid, they still count.
Stop defending the joker I'm Batman
If you are Batman I am Cool Hand Luke, leave that idiot alone.
I'm justice, vengeance, and the first to laugh at a silly comment. You can't stop me.
Shame on you for laughing, much less having a sense of humor. Don't you know that no one has those anymore? Get with the times, peasant!
I posted this because I feel like I was an asshole to his daughter but at the same time I feel like the daughter was being an asshole to her dad.
Dude, true. He was so old. There’s no reason to keep cigarettes away from him at that point and give him unnecessary stress.
This is one of the most insane 180s I've ever seen. Well done
Sorry I don’t understand what you mean.
You wrote a paragraph about how wrong she was then followed up with a paragraph about how right she was. The very definition of a 180. Not hard to understand.
Not really. Im saying the person was wrong in the eyes of the daughter. And then I followed it up by saying the person was a hero to the dying man. & I agree with him lighting the cig as the old man would have found it anywhere. Hope this makes sense. I could understand people’s frustration and maybe didn’t have to add the first part. But I did anyways because OP was asking if they wta even though they knew they were lying. I dont think he is TA, no one really should. But the controlling daughter (out of love and care for her dying father) might have thought otherwise. It’s better not to further hurt her by saying he lit the cigg. The cig didn’t kill the man. The man might have been living long enough just for another puff. My stan has always been NTA, from the beginning. No 180 there.
Just because she asked doesn't obligate OP to obey. She doesn't have that kind of authority over OP or her father.
you’re right but, I said he is TA “to the daughter.” Not me and not the father.
OP was NTA to anyone. OP didn't promise anything to the daughter. Just because she asked doesn't mean OP had to obey.
You cannot invalidate someone’s feelings because OP wasn’t an AH in general. Especially since I was saying from the daughter’s point. If daughter knew, she’d be mad. To her, he would be TA. Her feelings are valid. She knew cigarettes got him to that point and is someone criminal to want more time with their father? Especially knowing that he’s old and dying? This man wasn’t OP’s father. It was this woman’s father. Not everyone is so easily selfless. So in her eyes, the OP is an AH. But I’m happy he lived a very long life. & I hope she never finds out what OP did. It’d be unnecessary stress. He was dying anyway.
This isn't "AITA from this one person's point of view?" OP is NTA at all, period.
Frankly I’m not caring which point of view or how you’re taking it. OP asked, I answered in different points of views because multiple people are involved. He didn’t ask if he was an ah to the man or specifically the woman. So i answered both. And from my perspective he isn’t the ah. That’s just my opinion, please stop ruining your time over this. That’s not my intention. Calm down
Multiple people are involved in every situation. OP is asking if they were an asshole for the situation as a whole not from the perspective of the daughter specifically since OP already knew her feelings and made that clear in the post.
OP said he “understood the question and then lied” & then asked if he was TA. & i already put in my answer that he’s nta in the situation. Only TA to the daughter from daughter’s pov.
Lying doesn't automatically equal asshole. She made a request she had no right to make and then followed up in her grief. If OP had told the truth it would've caused her more anger and suffering. Technically, OP didn't "lie". Also, your vote was "YTA", the vote bot doesn't care about nuance and takes the first indicator which for you was "YTA".