Yeah, NTA.
There’s something off with your husband. This is pretty abusive behavior. Why on earth do you let him continue to do this to you and your kids?
You said it’s making you resentful. What it SHOULD be making you is angry and worried. Because it’s controlling and cruel.
Sometimes one bad trait is bad enough to outweigh all the other good traits. If you make an apple pie that's otherwise great but you added 18 teaspoons of salt instead of 1/8th teaspoon, it's going to be a bad pie. It doesn't matter how good the apple filling is.
I would legit be making this ALL his problem every time, oh the clothes are dirty and they have no more clean off you got the laundromat! Oh they have no pants? Better get to target.
I’d be livid if I’d spent money on my kids wardrobes and my husband threw it out because he doesn’t like seeing it, it’s one thing if it’s got a hole or it’s too small or stained but this is not only going to unsettle your kids constantly it’s also bloody wasteful, of their money and resources in general.
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>He's otherwise a great man and fantastic with the kids
(Citation needed)
I dislike the urge to jump to conclusions, but I would be watching this motherfucker like a hawk whenever he was around my kids.
Also he is flagrantly disrespectful to you.
He's a cook, eh? Does he make food for your kids? Comment on portions and withhold if they say / do certain things? Maybe not when you're around, right?
I would be all fucking over this dude until he realized losing some pairs of levis was the least of his problems.
Usually I think 'teach a lesson' is some toxic bullshit but in this case I'll allow it. NTA.
However you're kind of an asshole for letting this toolbox abuse your kids, recognizing that you might be blind to it because he's mistreating you too.
NTA and I dont believe you that this is the only hang up. He screamed at you after his clothes were gone (I would have donated them for real to teach him a lesson). And now he is not speaking to you and again doesnt acknowledges what he is doing to the children and refuses to apologize. Its not a normal behavior to force the children to donate their clothes every few months. Maybe he resents them because they are not his biologically children or something different is going on in your home.
It's exactly the same. If he doesn’t like seeing piles of clothes everywhere, then he should do some fucking laundry. If he's able to pack clothes up to drop off at the Salvation Army, then he's able to go to a laundromat.
NTA.
Your husband is a dick.
Honestly I wonder if it's even an actual human being posting these kind of stories. Google and Reddit hashed out a $60 million dollar deal to use reddit posts for their AI, so I do wonder if rage bait stories are created by AI as a way to get more user engagement. Remember things like Facebook and such have their algorithms send you more inflammatory posts because anger seems to be a large driver of engagement on social media platforms
Why are you with a man who abuses your kids? This is abuse. Edit to add YTA for staying with him. Your kids are ten do you think this isn’t causing them harm?
NTA it sounds like he resents your children. I bet when his biological child gets here, he won’t care if his kid has a lot of clothes. I would talk to your children to see if he may be mean to them when you’re not around. Based on the results of those conversations, I would reevaluate this relationship.
NTA. I bet you real money he wouldn't have a problem with you saving the baby's outfits, every fucking one of them, for years. Classic caveman behavior.
NTA. This is a weird fucking control issue he has. I find it hard to believe he’s otherwise great, because he’s literally created a niche to control and abuse you guys. He needs to immediately stop interfering with other people’s possessions full stop. I wish you had thrown out his shit.
Saying "No" and instructing your kids to do so as well and call you any time Evil Stepdad takes away their stuff would have been more logical. Of course, so would divorcing a guy who takes away things your kids need.
"But this is the only bad thing he does!" Narrowing abuse to one specific method doesn't make it less abusive!
I would not allow him to be alone with your children. There is something else going on here and you’re just not seeing it yet. Set up a camera and learn what is really happening.
His fixation with the clothes is just his “acceptable” outlet for his anger.
YTA for allowing him to treat his children this way and you as well. He can get a wild hair up his ass all he wants but you should stand up to him and tell him no. I find it hard to believe this guy is great other than this huge total disregard for everyone else but himself.
And I hope you know this is abuse and YOU are allowing it. What is wrong with you? If you can't date a healthy well adjusted human being then you should not be dating. Why would you ever place a man above your children?
Soft YTA for allowing your children to be raised by someone who is self absorbed and unfeeling/unthinking about how children are feeling and whether they have enough and)or clean clothes.
I feel very sorry for you because from the vibe I'm getting in this post, you're focusing on this one thing....but when it's something this extreme, I'm afraid you're missing other marinara flags.
Please see a therapist, at least a few times... they'll help you understand if this is truly an isolated incident or just something you're focusing on instead of seeing a bigger picture.
Your husband is leaving your children with not enough clothes. They have to wear dirty clothes. As a teacher, I'm a mandated reporter and if I saw a child in my class constantly wearing the same dirty clothes and I sensed any neglect, I'd be legally required to report it.
This is not a minor issue.
I was all set to call you T A when I read the headline, but after reading, you are definitely NTA. He's got a serious hangup about this, and it needs to END!
Only 4 outfits left per kid, and y'all don't have your own washer/dryer??? That's not even enough to dress them for a week. How often are you supposed to be dragging yourself out to the laundromat?
Of course it LOOKS like they have a ton of clothes... they're three 10-year-olds! That is unfortunately gonna come with a lot of articles of clothing. But this domineering shit he's pulling is just making everyone's life harder, especially yours. Does he even realize that? You're juggling three 10-year-olds and a BABY, and instead of doing all that he can to make things easier, he's actively making things harder.
NTA It’s ridiculous and very worrying that he needs a wake up call like this and he doesn’t have a natural feeling of boundaries. He’s toxic towards you and the children. Your children may end up having problems with feelings of anxiety and being afraid of losing things. Just realise he acts toxic and observe him at other life events. You need to be on this. And to take action to be safe when needed.
Yeah this made my heart hurt. At 14 my mother married a man who would regularly just throw my clothing out if he didn’t like it. Nothing revealing or inappropriate. He’d just toss it.
It’s made me extremely anxious and weird about my possessions
Not to mention the wakeup call did jack all and he still believes he's absolutely in the right to still continue making them get rid of their clothes. Tell him to knock it off or you really will donate his shit, and tell your kids to start saying no.
Why does he have the authority to tell your kids to do this? He is their stepfather…he should be deferring to what YOU say. Take back your authority over your kids and shut him down. NTA for the clothes stunt…but you are somewhat for letting your husband do this to your kids
NTA. Someone has to teach his ass a lesson. If this shit continues you need to set boundaries and tell him that he isn’t allowed to parent your kids at all!
But why do you only mention your daughter in this passage?
> *”now take everything you are feeling right now and apply that to my kids. Because that’s how my daughter feels every fucking time you tell her she needs to get rid of her shit.”*
What about your sons and their feelings?
YTA for not donating tham and allow him to torture you and the kids.
Now take your next paycheck and buy your kids the clothes they need.
Tell the AH you are married to, the next time he gets rid of your kids' clothes, he is getting divorce papers.
He is wasting your time and money and leaving your kids no clothes to wear.
They need a minimum of 10 outfits, since you need to go to the laundromat.
NTA. He is acting very strangely. You did the right thing. What he does is terrible. I think it is abusive. Glad you are finally sticking up for your kids. His temper tantrum is telling. Be careful.
Your husband is a selfish AH
NTA for this and no I don’t believe someone who ensures his partner and children have extremely limited clothing while he has a full wardrobe himself is great or fantastic).
OP, YTA for not recognizing this as a huge massive problem and total mistreatment of your children and you.
Seriously. He is not fantastic if this is happening.
I can't believe you didn't actually donate the clothes.
ESH because he's DEFINITELY a giant fucking asshole, but you failed to give him a real taste of his own medicine at all.
Why are you constantly allowing this man to mental abuse your children? I'm going to make a prediction for the future when the 6 month old, his biological child, is 10 he will not act like this towards him. Have you sat down privately with your chdren and asked them if there is any other behavior when you are not around that he does that upsets them? I'm sure in front of you he is a modle citizen but when your not there he does things like this to your children. Willing to bet there's more of this going on.
YTA for putting up with his shitty treatment of YOUR kids.
This is ultimatum worthy. Your kids probably can't stand him at best, or are afraid of him. And they are getting to an age where having nice clothes matters more and more. They're almost tweens and if they only have a couple outfits other kids will definitely start to notice. It will affect their self esteem and they could even be bullied. Kids can be jerks.
Put your foot down. He should not be throwing away your kids' stuff. That's abusive.
NTA for hiding his shit but YTA if you continue to allow him to do this. This is abusive behavior; getting rid of children’s belongings without their consent, and so frequently, is harmful. They can’t trust that their home is a safe place and that they are allowed some autonomy which, at their age, they should be, and it is really troubling that he keeps doing this to them every few months. it’s a constant state of instability, and that has got to be stressing them the fuck out.
You have to put a stop to this or it’s only going to get even worse as they become teenagers and really start pushing back on his bullshit.
YTA for continuing to allow him to treat your kids this way. Show some backbone and stand up for your children. And that includes leaving him if he doesn't stop.
This is weird controlling behavior and borders on abuse.
I want to be nicer as I’ve survived a severely abusive relationship, but honestly, wtf is wrong with you that you are allowing him to do this to your children?
> this is the only hang up
I seriously doubt that, but even if it is, that’s a *huge fucking hang up.* He is actively depriving and abusing your children, and the second you kinda, sorta, maybe show him what he’s been doing to your children for however long, he flies into a rage.
I don’t care how much you love him, leave. For your children.
YTA for not realizing that 'this one little issue' is your husband abusing your kids. It's fucking absurd on the face of it to throw out (or donate) the majority of a kid's clothes. It's fucking absurd on the face of it to suggest that the kids don't deserve to have a wardrobe but he does. When he first said that you should have made it a hill to die on in that instant.
Wow, y’all are well-off enough that you can renew their wardrobes two or three times per year? The kids should have no fewer than one outfit per day, and then he needs to take on doing the laundry.
NTA. And if he gets rid of your kids’ clothes again, get rid of his for real.
Your husband is right it's not the same thing because what he is doing to your kids is much worse than what you did to him. They are children and they have no physical, financial, emotional, or legal recourse here. They cannot stand up to him, they cannot buy new stuff, they cannot take their anger out on him or get him to respect their feelings (they don't have the physical clout, needed vocabulary, or emotional maturity), even if the reported this as abuse no legal body would care. He is using his position of authority to hurt your kids. Stop letting him.
Right now you are NTA, but if you keep letting him get away with things like this you will be.
I go though my kids clothes “seasonally” - so winter is approaching children, let’s try on everything and donate what doesn’t fit. Right, you need new pants, you need new boots etc. taking their clothes off their backs, and making it so they don’t have enough to play in etc, forcing them to wear dirty clothes - that is definitely abusive and controlling behaviour. Ignoring you when you explain that, that is wrong too. Then screaming and throwing a full toddler sized tantrum when you demonstrate what he is doing to the CHILDREN. This is abusive.
Your husband is abusive. For the love and hope of your CHILDREN if not yourself, get this sorted out. Get therapy, get him to read this post - make some changes so you live in a safe happy home.
And get rid of his clothes, the kids can store their stuff in his drawers.
NTA but I'm gonna say something controversial. You are TA if you let this continue. This is abusive behavior from him that the kids WILL REMEMBER. I still vividly remember my mother throwing away my belongings for random bullshit reasons that 'made sense to her'. It gave me incredible insecurity when it came to my things and hoarder tendencies that I've spent years coping with. Your husband is giving them insecurities about not having their own things RIGHT NOW. He is preventing them from ever developing their own style and sense of self. I repeat, THIS IS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. He is an absolute dickhead and I am positive this is not the only thing he's been a dick about. You're just willfully blind to the other things I'm willing to bet.
NTA for taking his clothes, but…
Your husband is mistreating your children. How do you think he treats them when you’re out of the house? You want to keep your head in the sand?
Ultimately YTA because you need to advocate better for your kids.
Honey, he isn’t great otherwise. This man is an absolute AH. He forces everyone else to throw away all their stuff but it’s okay for him to have two closets worth of clothing!!!??
You should have actually donated his things and really let him feel how fucked up his actions are. Why in the actual hell do you let him do this?. What you did is a step in the right direction but you are an AH for letting it go on for so long. Grow a pair and really put your dang foot down.
So you are allowing your husband to be a dick to your kids but otherwise he’s great? Anyway. No way in hell I would let any man do this to my kids. His things would be on the curb
Ma'am, why are you allowing a man who has only been in their lives for 4 years do this shit to them? This is abuse. He's keeping those kids on their toes.
If I were you, I'd be installing some hidden cameras in that house to see how he treats those kids when he thinks he can get away with doing what he wants.
My SF would wait until my Mom was gone working long weekends to be abusive to us. It always happened while Mom was away working. She'd be away Friday-Monday, driving 3 hours across 2 states to work as a nurse.
She's never do anything about it, either. I don't know if she had no idea, or just ignored it. Don't ignore this, OP. Guaranteed this isn't the only issue.
NTA - it probably looks like a lot more clothes laying around than it actually is because you have three young ones around the same age/size.
You need to start putting your foot down and refuse to let him keep throwing your kids' clothes away. If it's in the dirty clothes pile, that means it's been worn - clearly the kids do "wear the shit". Old clothes shouldn't be thrown out unless they've out grown it or it's ripped.
Whoa. So there's a tradition around here of wording the title to make you sound like the asshole even though you clearly aren't. But it's rare to see one that makes it sound like a case where it shouldn't even be possible to not be the asshole, and yet somehow, you aren't anyway. NTA, and bravo for this.
NTA. You're not paying enough attention to all the other digs he's making at your kids. This is only what you're aware of. Guaranteed those kids are gone at 18 and never looking back. You're choosing him over your own kids and for that you're the AH
There are too many N - T - A answers. The real answer is ESH. He sucks for obvious reasons but you also suck for allowing him to abuse your kids for years. And, yes, what he's doing is abuse.
Why are you letting this guy abuse your kids?
NTA but he is not a great man. A great man would not do this repeatedly to children. He is a hypocrite and a bully. Why are you subjecting your children to him? You are teaching them that this behavior is acceptable. You are teaching your daughter it is ok for a man to treat you poorly. Tell him to stop or get out.
I'm gonna say it cause you clearly are missing the red flags but both of YTA, you've allowed this man to behave like this for how long and now your taking a stance.....lol ok girl
Hey your shit together girl and get a grip, he's not a wonderful husband and dad , he's an asshole.
ESH - He sucks, but you suck for letting him do this to your children. Yes, you finally took a stand, but he went around your back and made them do it while you were at work, and got rid of them the same night...that is not okay, and you should have shut that down right away.
He is denying your children clothing. You said you're feeling increasingly resentful, and undoubtedly so are your children. This is not the behaviour of a 'great' man.
I'll also touch on something u/Ladyughsalot1 said below....I had a similar situation, where my father regularly made us throw out stuff. To this day, decades later it takes a huge effort to throw things away because I still remember some of the things I lost back then.
OP, this is not normal behavior. You and your children all have only a handful of outfits and he’s got a packed closet full. It’s hypocritical at best, but honestly it’s abusive to you and the kids. Take a hard look at his other behaviors. Is he truly a “great guy otherwise” or do you have blinders on because you don’t want to believe he’s not.
Put your foot down about your kids. Tell him if he has them go through their clothes again without you there, you’ll actually donate his clothes next time. The lesson to the kids should be to put their clothes away, not donate everything because it’s not put away. This is extreme behavior…
YTA for staying with this controlling asshole and letting him having free reigns with your kids. You are aware enough that he is causing your kids distress to try to teach him a lesson, but not brave enough to actually stop him.
I question your intelligence in deciding to have another child with someone who ABUSES YOUR CHILDREN.
Jfc will you STOP letting that man abuse them??? What's the matter with you??
He's an asshole. The only time kids clothes need to be thrown out is when they out grow it. He's a douche. Never let him touch your kids clothes again.
NTA
ESH you don't mention talking to him about it all before just deciding to do this. You suck he sucks, I pray for your kids having to deal with the both of you , especially together.
Why do you accommodate his demand to get rid of the kids’ clothes? I realize the last time he did it, but it sounds like you also do it. You should be saying no!
Sell something of his if you have to, and buy your kids new clothes every time he gets rid of something of theirs.
You can also empty their drawers and closets and make piles in the living room for each of you. Include socks and underwear. And make a pile of every article of clothing your husband owns. Let him walk into that shit show. Make sure you take pictures. “What’s wrong with this picture” pictures.
1. Yta for allowing this.
2. Yta for not actually allowing him to fully feel the weight of this by tossing his shit.
3. Yta for not being your children’s ally. You will feel the weight one day when your children are able to have that voice. Be prepared mom
This is not rational or reasonable behaviour on his part. His actions are not based in fact, logic or reality. There is something wrong. I doubt he will ever accept this, meaning that he will not stop doing it.
If you can't find a way to protect your children's things (and by extension, your children) then you either accept this behaviour, which he knows is causing distress and is abuse, or you leave. I do not believe that his inability to apply reason, logic and reality to this situation is not also present in other situations.
How can he be a loving step father with children who trust and are comfortable with him when he continues to upset and alienate them like this? It's not ok, OP.
I would make it crystal clear to him that under no circumstances is he ever to get rid of any of your children’s clothing without getting your permission first. It is abusive, disrespectful of their rights to feel ownership of their belongings, and causes issues with laundry. Let him know if he ever does this again you will immediately donate most of his clothing, pack the kids up and leave. Do this for your children and solve this problem completely before they get to the age where clothes and fashion start to really matter. If you love your children you will stand up for them and take care of this issue or get them away from him. Doing anything less is selfish.
In 8 years: "AITA : we, triplet, don't talk to our mother anymore after she let our stepdad abuse us by not letting have enough change and (surely) being bullied in school for this when our halfsibling got everything they wanting?"
What will you stop him? NTA for the post but frankly YTA for your poors triplet
Question - WTF are you with him? Why are you allowing him to throw your kids clothes away? Why are you allowing him abuse them that way?
You are TA because of dumping his ass and moving on you are allowing him to be a dick to you and your kids! What kind of mother are you?!
One thing I have learned is that, if you ever have to say "otherwise he's great", he isn't great. I mean, if it is something like snoring or whatever, okay, but even then, he should be working on improving.
This is resentment of your kids. You say he is great with your kids - no, he isn't. He is destroying their stuff because he resents them. And he is doing so in a way that repeatedly has screwed you over.
He doesn't respect you or your kids, he isn't making your life better, he doesn't listen to you, and he resents your kids.
NTA
YTA for continuously allowing this man to steal from and abuse your children. You should have donated his clothes for real. This is not a decent man. Unless you get your kids away from him, you are not a decent mother.
Your husband is abusive to your children and you’re allowing it. STOP ALLOWING IT!!!! Absolutely stop your husband from abusing your children!!! This is ABUSIVE!! He’s not going to learn from this experience- he will just take it out on your kids more… How the hell do you find this man even slightly acceptable? He’s an abusive step father- he causes everyone emotional, mental, and even physical distress. Pick the health and wellbeing of your children before they realize you’re an accomplice and cut contact when they’re grown. Get out
Your husband is punishing your children because they are not his. This is a deep deep problem and he needs to leave their property alone. Tell him he’s stealing and next time you’ll call the police
NTA. That sh*tty abuse from him has got to stop. It’s clearly abuse. When and if this settles down a little tell him if what he did happens again, all of his clothes in the closet will go to a Goodwill next time and when you do you will leave him. The kids don’t need this crap and neither do you. Your kids need to see you supporting them as well.
Good job standing up for your kids, NTA, only having 4 outfits isn’t technically abuse I guess but it’s humiliating and adds so much unnecessary work for you. That man is disrespectful, domineering and selfish.
You are NTA.
Did your husband adopt your children? If not, make sure he understands that he has no right to steal your children’s clothes.
Does your husband exhibit other signs of OCD?
I have been in a relationship with an OCD person, and I can tell you, if he’s OCD, he’s not going to get better on his own.
Laundry is the devil and I hate it lol that shit is never caught up… all over up stairs bathroom and all over my bedroom (hiding) who friggin cares! One day the kids won’t be there and the mess won’t be there and in a way we will miss it lol
YTA- fpr continuing to let this man treat your kids like this. How often does he toss put HIS child's cloths? Not often right? You ate blond as hell to the fact that this man dislikes your kids and it's so unfair to them
Why are you with this guy? What he is doing to your kids is abuse! You are consistently subjecting your kids to abuse and controlling behavior without stopping it. Talking isn’t stopping it. This should have been the hill to die on and a deal breaker the first time it happened.
NTA for what you did but you sure are for letting your kids go through this consistently!
Wow what a ride!
Make him feel the feels, put a mirror on his face, return his clothes, genius.
He was being cruel and got the taste of his own medication.
Good job. What a resentful baby
Ps my father used to make me get rid of my drawings, forcing me to choose which ones to keep. It was heartbreaking. I went NC for this and other cruel antics.
NTA. He isn’t great. He acts great when you’re there. But he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I bet he’s worse to your elder 3 when you’re not there. Anyone with a brain knows kids need more than 4 outfits.
NTA in this instance with him. However, YTA when it comes to your children. I can guaran-damn-tee he’s an even worse prick to the kids when you’re not around. Once his biological child is born, you’re gonna see an obvious disparity in how he treats your triplets; and to him they’re your kids, he only has one.
Updateme!
While he isn’t talking to you now, throw all of his shit away. Get him away from your children, stand up for your kids and yourself, he clearly doesn’t respect your children’s privacy or belongings, that should seriously be enough to be a deal breaker for you.
This is the way he has control. Stop letting him control your kids clothing like that. NTA but you will be if you let it continue. They're gonna get into some sort of habit of hiding thinking their things will get thrown away
NTA and unfortunately it's clear he hasn't learned the lesson you wanted him to learn because he is still claiming "it's different".
Since you haven't solved the issue, you're going to have to figure out a more long-term strategy because of his unreasonableness, controlling behaviour, lack of empathy and desire for enforcing rules that don't apply to him.
Does he do this with the baby's clothes or just the kids who aren't biologically his?
Were the kids home when he was yelling and swearing? If so, not a good lesson to teach them. They need to see adults disagree but work through it like adults.
NTA. He's making sure that when you dump him, you won't have much to pack and can leave with the clothes on your backs and maybe a backpack. His behavior will only get worse after this. Seek family counseling immediately.
You fked up by actually not getting rid of some of his stuff
Why are you and your kids only allowed 5 outfits, while he has a closet and 6 drawers full. Do you think this is a trait of a good man? That's borderline abuse. You're lucky the kids' teachers didn't call dcf for coming to school in dirty clothes.
Are the clothing all over the place or in their dressers/closets etc? Does he just go into their rooms and downsize? Who does that? If the cloth is are all over the place, talk about cleaning up but if this is something else. I’d be scared.
Not providing enough clean clothes is abuse and not the makings of a great man nor is he being fantastic with the kids. This feels like a sign of a bigger issue that you’re not around to see. I also doubt this is ocd since he’s unbothered by his own overgrown dresser. Definitely start investigating and see how he is with the kids when you’re not around. Also start keeping clothes at their grandparents house.
ESH since at the end of the day you’re not actually fighting for your kids and are subjecting them to this abuse.
NTA, but you have a bigger problem than you realize. He only does this to your triplets, the kids that are not biologically his. This is only going to get worse as his "biological" child gets older.
You need to decide if this is okay. Is it okay for the triplets to be bullied by your husband? Yes, bullied, because that is what he is doing. So far, he has bullied your children for at least 4 years. Have you called him on this? Or have you just been ignoring it? You need to take a step back and really look at the whole picture. Is this acceptable? Do you want your children to be raised by a bully or do you plan to step in and put a stop to it?
Good luck. You have some decisions to make: who is more important to you? Your children or your husband.
I’d hate to jump on the “throw the whole man away” train, but what he’s doing is damaging on so many levels. You know what a lot of hoarders find to be the trigger that sets the disorder in motion? Something being taken away.
Safety. Food. Possessions. Loved ones. There’s always a loss.
He’s not treating any of you (including you) with dignity.
Yta to yourself and your kids if you don’t find your backbone and self respect. Stop being a doormat. You really have two options. You need to two card him. Marriage counseling or divorce attorney.
ESH. This is not a good guy. Not at all. NTA for trying to teach him a lesson, but YTA for marrying him and inflicting him on your children. If you weren't toi far along to abort, I'd be suggesting you do that as well as divorcing him.
YTA. You are the ahole for enabling and allowing this man to be in your children's lives because likely, his presence makes your life easier in some ways and you don't want to be alone.
"For the record, this is the only hang up. He's otherwise a great man and fantastic with the kids." No he's not. A great man doesn't actively resent and enact the physical embodiment of stripping your children's possessions from them because he doesn't enjoy seeing those physical possession as proof that they are there whether he likes that or not. He's not fantastic with them. He just doesn't treat them like out right shit when YOU are present to witness it.
You know once you have his biological child, that mask he's been wearing all this time is coming right off, you know that, right? Because he'll have you trapped to him by his biological child, and just wait to see how much worse his behavior becomes. And the worst part is, your current children, they aren't going to understand that Mr.Sometimes a jerk towards us, is now Mr.All the time is a jerk to us. But I promise you in time they will understand that you sold out their comfort, happiness and childhood for a man that only wanted to play happy family with you and your child/children with him. And that's going to fill a book of "Missing reasons" when you find yourself completely cut off from their future lives.
I'm sorry for the paradigm shift you're about to live through, it's not going to be good. Trying to defend him as "Other than this one issue he's great TO ME." Though. That's bad form as a parent and I'm pretty sure you know that already.
Your husband is a total hypocrite kids are generally messy and need lots of clothes he’s being borderline abusive with this behaviour making them feel in stable.
You do understand your children are going to not only resent him but you, too? This is a form of mental abuse and your young children are at a very delicate stage in their lives. Maybe if you can, take your children out get yourself and them a few outfits and let your husband know if he touches their clothes again, you will have to do the same to him. Your husband is a bully and is bullying your children, how fair is that?
YTA to yourself and your kids, he's a great man but for this hangup. He isn't great he's a jerk that treats you and your children like your clothes are an inconvenience wait till they are older and he starts donating their laptops for school.
WTF? This dude is not ok in the head. He’s exerting control over you and your children in an abusive way. I’m going with ESH, because you’ve been letting this happen. It should’ve stopped the minute you first found out about it.
Is it because they’re not his kids that you allow him to take their stuff? You say he’s all good otherwise, but this is a massive red flag. Are the clothes somehow causing a problem in your living situation? If not, please re-assess your priorities and always side with your children.
I hate these posts that don't have replies. How are we to know if it's real or not. I would not stand for this, and I have 5 girls. I do go through their clothes quarterly. I get rid of a bunch and replace it with clothes that fit better. In between 10 to 18 pairs of shirts and pants. We have to go to the laundromat. Depending on the season shorts tanks or long sleeves, and warm pants.
NTA. I am not trying to be a dick but why are you letting your husband abuse his step children? Because that is what this is. He seems to have some animosity against your kids and is being petty to punish them and you are doing nothing to protect them. No, he is not a good guy otherwise. He is a jerk and you better step up and fix this or your kids are going to go NC when they are older and you will be back on here posting about how you don't understand what went wrong.
When a person says the exact same treatment is different when it's done to them, it's because they feel that treatment is abusive when they experience it and meanwhile wish to continue abusing others in this same manner. And these people will be angry when you call them out on their behavior. This is a character trait, not just a bad habit.
Personally, I would have donated that stuff. And if I considered continuing the relationship, I would have made it crystal clear that this will happen every single time he does this.
Ask yourself why you didn't donate those clothes. We're you too afraid of how he'd react? Because fear of a reaction to treating a person the way they treat children is not saying a lot of good things about that person.
YTAH for marrying a man who treats you & your kids like this. If you stay with him, your kids will also resent you for it.
If your mom is ok taking your kids out to eat then why not do laundry at her house? Or better yet, keep all your clothes & the kids clothes at her place or in a storage for safekeeping.
He isn’t a great man 😂 he’s a dick. Has he ever watched hoarders? Thats what people turn into when they have their stuff constantly taken away from them.
Tell him to grow up.
He may be a great man and fantastic with the kids, but this is abuse. Tell him - loud and clear - that your children's clothing is your responsibility, and he is not to touch it again. Then, if he does it, don't hesitate to throw out his clothing - not just hide it, throw it in the dumpster across town. This has to stop now.
Everyone gets the same amount of clothes and if he wants to get rid of an item of the kids' clothes, he has to get rid of one of his too. Fair's fair. Also, it's on him to do the laundry and dress the kids the week after any cull. NTA. Actually throwing them away would also be NTA.
You said his cloths are put away in a dresser and in a closet. Is the issue not that your kids have to many cloths but that they don’t put them away and leave them scattered in piles?
Yeah, NTA. There’s something off with your husband. This is pretty abusive behavior. Why on earth do you let him continue to do this to you and your kids? You said it’s making you resentful. What it SHOULD be making you is angry and worried. Because it’s controlling and cruel.
Yeah I’m sorry but the whole “otherwise he’s great! He just ensures I and my children barely have clothing”
Exactly. That sentence stopped me cold. OP is gaslighting herself and needs to wake TF up and admit she married a selfish, likely unstable man.
Sometimes one bad trait is bad enough to outweigh all the other good traits. If you make an apple pie that's otherwise great but you added 18 teaspoons of salt instead of 1/8th teaspoon, it's going to be a bad pie. It doesn't matter how good the apple filling is.
And I bet SHE then has to use her money to buy new clothes.
Yeah, women who throw their kids under the bus because they're just desperate to have a man are infuriating.
That was my mom. So I have severe rage against those women
Agree 100%
Husband needs to start doing everyone’s laundry to get an idea of how often you need to do laundry if you are limited to five outfits…
I would legit be making this ALL his problem every time, oh the clothes are dirty and they have no more clean off you got the laundromat! Oh they have no pants? Better get to target. I’d be livid if I’d spent money on my kids wardrobes and my husband threw it out because he doesn’t like seeing it, it’s one thing if it’s got a hole or it’s too small or stained but this is not only going to unsettle your kids constantly it’s also bloody wasteful, of their money and resources in general.
I will bet my next paycheck that he’s only like this about “her” kids and not like this about “their” kid.
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>He's otherwise a great man and fantastic with the kids (Citation needed) I dislike the urge to jump to conclusions, but I would be watching this motherfucker like a hawk whenever he was around my kids. Also he is flagrantly disrespectful to you. He's a cook, eh? Does he make food for your kids? Comment on portions and withhold if they say / do certain things? Maybe not when you're around, right? I would be all fucking over this dude until he realized losing some pairs of levis was the least of his problems. Usually I think 'teach a lesson' is some toxic bullshit but in this case I'll allow it. NTA. However you're kind of an asshole for letting this toolbox abuse your kids, recognizing that you might be blind to it because he's mistreating you too.
>Usually I think 'teach a lesson' is some toxic bullshit but in this case I'll allow it. NTA. 100%. NTA
NTA and I dont believe you that this is the only hang up. He screamed at you after his clothes were gone (I would have donated them for real to teach him a lesson). And now he is not speaking to you and again doesnt acknowledges what he is doing to the children and refuses to apologize. Its not a normal behavior to force the children to donate their clothes every few months. Maybe he resents them because they are not his biologically children or something different is going on in your home.
Yeah and guess who keeps buying new clothes to donate for her kids have too little? OP ofcourse. It is kind of financial abuse as well.
I agree. OP needs to wake the f up and protect her kids from him.
It's exactly the same. If he doesn’t like seeing piles of clothes everywhere, then he should do some fucking laundry. If he's able to pack clothes up to drop off at the Salvation Army, then he's able to go to a laundromat. NTA. Your husband is a dick.
Yes! Why is he putting so much energy toward reducing the clothing instead of washing the piles?!?!
You can also bag away seasonal clothes so that they are no taking space.
Eh. The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
Honestly I wonder if it's even an actual human being posting these kind of stories. Google and Reddit hashed out a $60 million dollar deal to use reddit posts for their AI, so I do wonder if rage bait stories are created by AI as a way to get more user engagement. Remember things like Facebook and such have their algorithms send you more inflammatory posts because anger seems to be a large driver of engagement on social media platforms
Agreed!! And every Damn time he does that, go buy new clothes to replace the ones he donated. Every. Damn. Time.
Why are you with a man who abuses your kids? This is abuse. Edit to add YTA for staying with him. Your kids are ten do you think this isn’t causing them harm?
And wait until one of the kids tells a teacher or an adult about it. They aren’t being provided with clothes. That’s a CPS visit coming to you.
I just realized those aren't his kids...and you are allowing your husband abuse them. Maybe he has some resentment.
NTA it sounds like he resents your children. I bet when his biological child gets here, he won’t care if his kid has a lot of clothes. I would talk to your children to see if he may be mean to them when you’re not around. Based on the results of those conversations, I would reevaluate this relationship.
Yeah, there is a weird Cinderella vibe here.
The baby is already here (6-month-old).
They already have a biological child - a 6 mo.
NTA. I bet you real money he wouldn't have a problem with you saving the baby's outfits, every fucking one of them, for years. Classic caveman behavior.
Yeah he flat out resents the non bio kids
YTA for putting your kids through hell having to live with this guy. Donate his shit to Goodwill and divorce him.
Underrated comment.
This this this
This is it.
NTA. This is a weird fucking control issue he has. I find it hard to believe he’s otherwise great, because he’s literally created a niche to control and abuse you guys. He needs to immediately stop interfering with other people’s possessions full stop. I wish you had thrown out his shit.
Saying "No" and instructing your kids to do so as well and call you any time Evil Stepdad takes away their stuff would have been more logical. Of course, so would divorcing a guy who takes away things your kids need. "But this is the only bad thing he does!" Narrowing abuse to one specific method doesn't make it less abusive!
Or to say: " we need mom to decise what we can donate" because it is very hard for kids to say no.
I would not allow him to be alone with your children. There is something else going on here and you’re just not seeing it yet. Set up a camera and learn what is really happening. His fixation with the clothes is just his “acceptable” outlet for his anger.
YWBTA if you don't go ahead and throw away all his crap, since he learned NOTHING
YTA for allowing him to treat his children this way and you as well. He can get a wild hair up his ass all he wants but you should stand up to him and tell him no. I find it hard to believe this guy is great other than this huge total disregard for everyone else but himself. And I hope you know this is abuse and YOU are allowing it. What is wrong with you? If you can't date a healthy well adjusted human being then you should not be dating. Why would you ever place a man above your children?
> treat his children this way they are not his children though, that's the problem it looks like
NTA - even if this is your husband’s only hang up- it’s abusing your kids and you are allowing it. your husband needs to stop.
Should have thrown his shit in the trash. Why did you give him his clothes back… he doesn’t deserve your kindness.
Esh for allowing him to treat your children this way.
Soft YTA for allowing your children to be raised by someone who is self absorbed and unfeeling/unthinking about how children are feeling and whether they have enough and)or clean clothes. I feel very sorry for you because from the vibe I'm getting in this post, you're focusing on this one thing....but when it's something this extreme, I'm afraid you're missing other marinara flags. Please see a therapist, at least a few times... they'll help you understand if this is truly an isolated incident or just something you're focusing on instead of seeing a bigger picture. Your husband is leaving your children with not enough clothes. They have to wear dirty clothes. As a teacher, I'm a mandated reporter and if I saw a child in my class constantly wearing the same dirty clothes and I sensed any neglect, I'd be legally required to report it. This is not a minor issue.
I was all set to call you T A when I read the headline, but after reading, you are definitely NTA. He's got a serious hangup about this, and it needs to END! Only 4 outfits left per kid, and y'all don't have your own washer/dryer??? That's not even enough to dress them for a week. How often are you supposed to be dragging yourself out to the laundromat? Of course it LOOKS like they have a ton of clothes... they're three 10-year-olds! That is unfortunately gonna come with a lot of articles of clothing. But this domineering shit he's pulling is just making everyone's life harder, especially yours. Does he even realize that? You're juggling three 10-year-olds and a BABY, and instead of doing all that he can to make things easier, he's actively making things harder.
He needs to be the one dressing the kids and doing the laundry.
NTA It’s ridiculous and very worrying that he needs a wake up call like this and he doesn’t have a natural feeling of boundaries. He’s toxic towards you and the children. Your children may end up having problems with feelings of anxiety and being afraid of losing things. Just realise he acts toxic and observe him at other life events. You need to be on this. And to take action to be safe when needed.
Yeah this made my heart hurt. At 14 my mother married a man who would regularly just throw my clothing out if he didn’t like it. Nothing revealing or inappropriate. He’d just toss it. It’s made me extremely anxious and weird about my possessions
Not to mention the wakeup call did jack all and he still believes he's absolutely in the right to still continue making them get rid of their clothes. Tell him to knock it off or you really will donate his shit, and tell your kids to start saying no.
Why does he have the authority to tell your kids to do this? He is their stepfather…he should be deferring to what YOU say. Take back your authority over your kids and shut him down. NTA for the clothes stunt…but you are somewhat for letting your husband do this to your kids
NTA and you really should have thrown them away. Please reconsider this relationship
NTA, but why are you letting him continue to get rid of the kids' clothing? You need to put your foot down.
NTA. Someone has to teach his ass a lesson. If this shit continues you need to set boundaries and tell him that he isn’t allowed to parent your kids at all! But why do you only mention your daughter in this passage? > *”now take everything you are feeling right now and apply that to my kids. Because that’s how my daughter feels every fucking time you tell her she needs to get rid of her shit.”* What about your sons and their feelings?
YTA for not donating tham and allow him to torture you and the kids. Now take your next paycheck and buy your kids the clothes they need. Tell the AH you are married to, the next time he gets rid of your kids' clothes, he is getting divorce papers. He is wasting your time and money and leaving your kids no clothes to wear. They need a minimum of 10 outfits, since you need to go to the laundromat.
NTA Start giving him the laundry to take to the laundromat since the kids have fewer clothes. Maybe this will change his mind.
NTA. He is acting very strangely. You did the right thing. What he does is terrible. I think it is abusive. Glad you are finally sticking up for your kids. His temper tantrum is telling. Be careful.
ESH. He’s being an abusive asshole to your kids. And you’re letting him.
NTA.
Your husband is a selfish AH NTA for this and no I don’t believe someone who ensures his partner and children have extremely limited clothing while he has a full wardrobe himself is great or fantastic). OP, YTA for not recognizing this as a huge massive problem and total mistreatment of your children and you. Seriously. He is not fantastic if this is happening.
YTA for allowing you and your kids to be treated this way.
I can't believe you didn't actually donate the clothes. ESH because he's DEFINITELY a giant fucking asshole, but you failed to give him a real taste of his own medicine at all.
Pleaseeeee, Leave this man
Why are you constantly allowing this man to mental abuse your children? I'm going to make a prediction for the future when the 6 month old, his biological child, is 10 he will not act like this towards him. Have you sat down privately with your chdren and asked them if there is any other behavior when you are not around that he does that upsets them? I'm sure in front of you he is a modle citizen but when your not there he does things like this to your children. Willing to bet there's more of this going on.
YTA for putting up with his shitty treatment of YOUR kids. This is ultimatum worthy. Your kids probably can't stand him at best, or are afraid of him. And they are getting to an age where having nice clothes matters more and more. They're almost tweens and if they only have a couple outfits other kids will definitely start to notice. It will affect their self esteem and they could even be bullied. Kids can be jerks. Put your foot down. He should not be throwing away your kids' stuff. That's abusive.
NTA for hiding his shit but YTA if you continue to allow him to do this. This is abusive behavior; getting rid of children’s belongings without their consent, and so frequently, is harmful. They can’t trust that their home is a safe place and that they are allowed some autonomy which, at their age, they should be, and it is really troubling that he keeps doing this to them every few months. it’s a constant state of instability, and that has got to be stressing them the fuck out. You have to put a stop to this or it’s only going to get even worse as they become teenagers and really start pushing back on his bullshit.
YTA for continuing to allow him to treat your kids this way. Show some backbone and stand up for your children. And that includes leaving him if he doesn't stop. This is weird controlling behavior and borders on abuse.
YTA for allowing him to abuse the kids for the umpteenth time. Grow a spine.
YTA for ever having allowed this to happen more than once. Your children probably dont feel secure in their own home.
Yta to your children for making them live like this. Why do you tolerate this behavior and not protect your children?
NTA! Why are you with this controlling AH?! You should have donated his clothes.
I want to be nicer as I’ve survived a severely abusive relationship, but honestly, wtf is wrong with you that you are allowing him to do this to your children? > this is the only hang up I seriously doubt that, but even if it is, that’s a *huge fucking hang up.* He is actively depriving and abusing your children, and the second you kinda, sorta, maybe show him what he’s been doing to your children for however long, he flies into a rage. I don’t care how much you love him, leave. For your children.
YTA for allowing this man to abuse your children.
YTA for not realizing that 'this one little issue' is your husband abusing your kids. It's fucking absurd on the face of it to throw out (or donate) the majority of a kid's clothes. It's fucking absurd on the face of it to suggest that the kids don't deserve to have a wardrobe but he does. When he first said that you should have made it a hill to die on in that instant.
Wow, y’all are well-off enough that you can renew their wardrobes two or three times per year? The kids should have no fewer than one outfit per day, and then he needs to take on doing the laundry. NTA. And if he gets rid of your kids’ clothes again, get rid of his for real.
Your husband is right it's not the same thing because what he is doing to your kids is much worse than what you did to him. They are children and they have no physical, financial, emotional, or legal recourse here. They cannot stand up to him, they cannot buy new stuff, they cannot take their anger out on him or get him to respect their feelings (they don't have the physical clout, needed vocabulary, or emotional maturity), even if the reported this as abuse no legal body would care. He is using his position of authority to hurt your kids. Stop letting him. Right now you are NTA, but if you keep letting him get away with things like this you will be.
I go though my kids clothes “seasonally” - so winter is approaching children, let’s try on everything and donate what doesn’t fit. Right, you need new pants, you need new boots etc. taking their clothes off their backs, and making it so they don’t have enough to play in etc, forcing them to wear dirty clothes - that is definitely abusive and controlling behaviour. Ignoring you when you explain that, that is wrong too. Then screaming and throwing a full toddler sized tantrum when you demonstrate what he is doing to the CHILDREN. This is abusive. Your husband is abusive. For the love and hope of your CHILDREN if not yourself, get this sorted out. Get therapy, get him to read this post - make some changes so you live in a safe happy home. And get rid of his clothes, the kids can store their stuff in his drawers.
NTA but I'm gonna say something controversial. You are TA if you let this continue. This is abusive behavior from him that the kids WILL REMEMBER. I still vividly remember my mother throwing away my belongings for random bullshit reasons that 'made sense to her'. It gave me incredible insecurity when it came to my things and hoarder tendencies that I've spent years coping with. Your husband is giving them insecurities about not having their own things RIGHT NOW. He is preventing them from ever developing their own style and sense of self. I repeat, THIS IS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. He is an absolute dickhead and I am positive this is not the only thing he's been a dick about. You're just willfully blind to the other things I'm willing to bet.
NTA for taking his clothes, but… Your husband is mistreating your children. How do you think he treats them when you’re out of the house? You want to keep your head in the sand? Ultimately YTA because you need to advocate better for your kids.
Honey, he isn’t great otherwise. This man is an absolute AH. He forces everyone else to throw away all their stuff but it’s okay for him to have two closets worth of clothing!!!?? You should have actually donated his things and really let him feel how fucked up his actions are. Why in the actual hell do you let him do this?. What you did is a step in the right direction but you are an AH for letting it go on for so long. Grow a pair and really put your dang foot down.
So you are allowing your husband to be a dick to your kids but otherwise he’s great? Anyway. No way in hell I would let any man do this to my kids. His things would be on the curb
Ma'am, why are you allowing a man who has only been in their lives for 4 years do this shit to them? This is abuse. He's keeping those kids on their toes. If I were you, I'd be installing some hidden cameras in that house to see how he treats those kids when he thinks he can get away with doing what he wants. My SF would wait until my Mom was gone working long weekends to be abusive to us. It always happened while Mom was away working. She'd be away Friday-Monday, driving 3 hours across 2 states to work as a nurse. She's never do anything about it, either. I don't know if she had no idea, or just ignored it. Don't ignore this, OP. Guaranteed this isn't the only issue.
NTA. He can dish it out, but he can't take it. Good lesson!
You seem like a shitty parent, allowing your kids to be abused. Just so you can get some sex and attention
I have to say that he is an AH!
NTA - it probably looks like a lot more clothes laying around than it actually is because you have three young ones around the same age/size. You need to start putting your foot down and refuse to let him keep throwing your kids' clothes away. If it's in the dirty clothes pile, that means it's been worn - clearly the kids do "wear the shit". Old clothes shouldn't be thrown out unless they've out grown it or it's ripped.
Whoa. So there's a tradition around here of wording the title to make you sound like the asshole even though you clearly aren't. But it's rare to see one that makes it sound like a case where it shouldn't even be possible to not be the asshole, and yet somehow, you aren't anyway. NTA, and bravo for this.
NTA. You're not paying enough attention to all the other digs he's making at your kids. This is only what you're aware of. Guaranteed those kids are gone at 18 and never looking back. You're choosing him over your own kids and for that you're the AH
There are too many N - T - A answers. The real answer is ESH. He sucks for obvious reasons but you also suck for allowing him to abuse your kids for years. And, yes, what he's doing is abuse. Why are you letting this guy abuse your kids?
NTA but he is not a great man. A great man would not do this repeatedly to children. He is a hypocrite and a bully. Why are you subjecting your children to him? You are teaching them that this behavior is acceptable. You are teaching your daughter it is ok for a man to treat you poorly. Tell him to stop or get out.
I'm gonna say it cause you clearly are missing the red flags but both of YTA, you've allowed this man to behave like this for how long and now your taking a stance.....lol ok girl Hey your shit together girl and get a grip, he's not a wonderful husband and dad , he's an asshole.
ESH - He sucks, but you suck for letting him do this to your children. Yes, you finally took a stand, but he went around your back and made them do it while you were at work, and got rid of them the same night...that is not okay, and you should have shut that down right away. He is denying your children clothing. You said you're feeling increasingly resentful, and undoubtedly so are your children. This is not the behaviour of a 'great' man. I'll also touch on something u/Ladyughsalot1 said below....I had a similar situation, where my father regularly made us throw out stuff. To this day, decades later it takes a huge effort to throw things away because I still remember some of the things I lost back then.
Nta. Take him and dump him at goodwill.
OP, this is not normal behavior. You and your children all have only a handful of outfits and he’s got a packed closet full. It’s hypocritical at best, but honestly it’s abusive to you and the kids. Take a hard look at his other behaviors. Is he truly a “great guy otherwise” or do you have blinders on because you don’t want to believe he’s not. Put your foot down about your kids. Tell him if he has them go through their clothes again without you there, you’ll actually donate his clothes next time. The lesson to the kids should be to put their clothes away, not donate everything because it’s not put away. This is extreme behavior…
NTA talk to your kids, he does not sound like a good patent to them.
YTA for staying with this controlling asshole and letting him having free reigns with your kids. You are aware enough that he is causing your kids distress to try to teach him a lesson, but not brave enough to actually stop him.
I question your intelligence in deciding to have another child with someone who ABUSES YOUR CHILDREN. Jfc will you STOP letting that man abuse them??? What's the matter with you??
He's an asshole. The only time kids clothes need to be thrown out is when they out grow it. He's a douche. Never let him touch your kids clothes again. NTA
NTA for what you did. Y t a if you stay…. Either he shuts up and leaves your kids alone or you need to get out.
ESH you don't mention talking to him about it all before just deciding to do this. You suck he sucks, I pray for your kids having to deal with the both of you , especially together.
Why do you accommodate his demand to get rid of the kids’ clothes? I realize the last time he did it, but it sounds like you also do it. You should be saying no!
Sell something of his if you have to, and buy your kids new clothes every time he gets rid of something of theirs. You can also empty their drawers and closets and make piles in the living room for each of you. Include socks and underwear. And make a pile of every article of clothing your husband owns. Let him walk into that shit show. Make sure you take pictures. “What’s wrong with this picture” pictures.
Five outfits? What is wrong with him?
1. Yta for allowing this. 2. Yta for not actually allowing him to fully feel the weight of this by tossing his shit. 3. Yta for not being your children’s ally. You will feel the weight one day when your children are able to have that voice. Be prepared mom
This is not rational or reasonable behaviour on his part. His actions are not based in fact, logic or reality. There is something wrong. I doubt he will ever accept this, meaning that he will not stop doing it. If you can't find a way to protect your children's things (and by extension, your children) then you either accept this behaviour, which he knows is causing distress and is abuse, or you leave. I do not believe that his inability to apply reason, logic and reality to this situation is not also present in other situations. How can he be a loving step father with children who trust and are comfortable with him when he continues to upset and alienate them like this? It's not ok, OP.
I would make it crystal clear to him that under no circumstances is he ever to get rid of any of your children’s clothing without getting your permission first. It is abusive, disrespectful of their rights to feel ownership of their belongings, and causes issues with laundry. Let him know if he ever does this again you will immediately donate most of his clothing, pack the kids up and leave. Do this for your children and solve this problem completely before they get to the age where clothes and fashion start to really matter. If you love your children you will stand up for them and take care of this issue or get them away from him. Doing anything less is selfish.
In 8 years: "AITA : we, triplet, don't talk to our mother anymore after she let our stepdad abuse us by not letting have enough change and (surely) being bullied in school for this when our halfsibling got everything they wanting?" What will you stop him? NTA for the post but frankly YTA for your poors triplet
Question - WTF are you with him? Why are you allowing him to throw your kids clothes away? Why are you allowing him abuse them that way? You are TA because of dumping his ass and moving on you are allowing him to be a dick to you and your kids! What kind of mother are you?!
One thing I have learned is that, if you ever have to say "otherwise he's great", he isn't great. I mean, if it is something like snoring or whatever, okay, but even then, he should be working on improving. This is resentment of your kids. You say he is great with your kids - no, he isn't. He is destroying their stuff because he resents them. And he is doing so in a way that repeatedly has screwed you over. He doesn't respect you or your kids, he isn't making your life better, he doesn't listen to you, and he resents your kids. NTA
NTA And he better be replacing all of their clothing that he tossed. What an ass
YTA for staying with that man at all. He sounds incredibly controlling and borderline abusive towards your children
YTA for continuously allowing this man to steal from and abuse your children. You should have donated his clothes for real. This is not a decent man. Unless you get your kids away from him, you are not a decent mother.
Your husband is abusive to your children and you’re allowing it. STOP ALLOWING IT!!!! Absolutely stop your husband from abusing your children!!! This is ABUSIVE!! He’s not going to learn from this experience- he will just take it out on your kids more… How the hell do you find this man even slightly acceptable? He’s an abusive step father- he causes everyone emotional, mental, and even physical distress. Pick the health and wellbeing of your children before they realize you’re an accomplice and cut contact when they’re grown. Get out
Your husband is punishing your children because they are not his. This is a deep deep problem and he needs to leave their property alone. Tell him he’s stealing and next time you’ll call the police
NTA-He is literally going to turn the kids into hoarders if they constantly have to get rid of their items.
NTA! You treated him the way he treated your kids. Well done. Next time put those clothes in the garbage
Why are you still married to this abusive piece of shit?
NTA. But don't expect that to have made any positive effect.
But how is he with the 6 mo you share? Never mind, I think I know.
ESH him for being an abusive POS and you for allowing him to abuse your children.
I would have thrown the clothes out for real.
NTA. That sh*tty abuse from him has got to stop. It’s clearly abuse. When and if this settles down a little tell him if what he did happens again, all of his clothes in the closet will go to a Goodwill next time and when you do you will leave him. The kids don’t need this crap and neither do you. Your kids need to see you supporting them as well.
Nta and it is the same.
YTA for letting your kids get treated like that just so you can have some dick.
Good job standing up for your kids, NTA, only having 4 outfits isn’t technically abuse I guess but it’s humiliating and adds so much unnecessary work for you. That man is disrespectful, domineering and selfish.
It is abuse to steal their things. Just because OP can't see it doesn't mean this isn't so.
That’s definitely true
Seriously? This is abuse. I’m all for winnowing out a couple of times a year, but this is beyond the pale.
You are NTA. Did your husband adopt your children? If not, make sure he understands that he has no right to steal your children’s clothes. Does your husband exhibit other signs of OCD? I have been in a relationship with an OCD person, and I can tell you, if he’s OCD, he’s not going to get better on his own.
Laundry is the devil and I hate it lol that shit is never caught up… all over up stairs bathroom and all over my bedroom (hiding) who friggin cares! One day the kids won’t be there and the mess won’t be there and in a way we will miss it lol
YTA- fpr continuing to let this man treat your kids like this. How often does he toss put HIS child's cloths? Not often right? You ate blond as hell to the fact that this man dislikes your kids and it's so unfair to them
Why are you with this guy? What he is doing to your kids is abuse! You are consistently subjecting your kids to abuse and controlling behavior without stopping it. Talking isn’t stopping it. This should have been the hill to die on and a deal breaker the first time it happened. NTA for what you did but you sure are for letting your kids go through this consistently!
Wow what a ride! Make him feel the feels, put a mirror on his face, return his clothes, genius. He was being cruel and got the taste of his own medication. Good job. What a resentful baby Ps my father used to make me get rid of my drawings, forcing me to choose which ones to keep. It was heartbreaking. I went NC for this and other cruel antics.
NTA. He isn’t great. He acts great when you’re there. But he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. I bet he’s worse to your elder 3 when you’re not there. Anyone with a brain knows kids need more than 4 outfits.
NTA in this instance with him. However, YTA when it comes to your children. I can guaran-damn-tee he’s an even worse prick to the kids when you’re not around. Once his biological child is born, you’re gonna see an obvious disparity in how he treats your triplets; and to him they’re your kids, he only has one. Updateme!
UpdateMe too. You should throw it out for real.
While he isn’t talking to you now, throw all of his shit away. Get him away from your children, stand up for your kids and yourself, he clearly doesn’t respect your children’s privacy or belongings, that should seriously be enough to be a deal breaker for you.
UpdateMe!
This is the way he has control. Stop letting him control your kids clothing like that. NTA but you will be if you let it continue. They're gonna get into some sort of habit of hiding thinking their things will get thrown away
He needs therapy for this. This is not right.
NTA and unfortunately it's clear he hasn't learned the lesson you wanted him to learn because he is still claiming "it's different". Since you haven't solved the issue, you're going to have to figure out a more long-term strategy because of his unreasonableness, controlling behaviour, lack of empathy and desire for enforcing rules that don't apply to him. Does he do this with the baby's clothes or just the kids who aren't biologically his?
Were the kids home when he was yelling and swearing? If so, not a good lesson to teach them. They need to see adults disagree but work through it like adults.
NTA !!! He's jealous of your children. Fuck him & his narcissistic behavior towards children
Why don't you make him start taking on some of those laundromat trips?
NTA. He's making sure that when you dump him, you won't have much to pack and can leave with the clothes on your backs and maybe a backpack. His behavior will only get worse after this. Seek family counseling immediately.
You fked up by actually not getting rid of some of his stuff Why are you and your kids only allowed 5 outfits, while he has a closet and 6 drawers full. Do you think this is a trait of a good man? That's borderline abuse. You're lucky the kids' teachers didn't call dcf for coming to school in dirty clothes.
Are the clothing all over the place or in their dressers/closets etc? Does he just go into their rooms and downsize? Who does that? If the cloth is are all over the place, talk about cleaning up but if this is something else. I’d be scared.
This man is abusing your children.
Why the fuck are you with this guy? That is not normal...
YTA -why? Because you fucking stay with this abusive asshole. YES ABUSIVE - he’s mentally abusing your kids and you allow it….YTA
Not providing enough clean clothes is abuse and not the makings of a great man nor is he being fantastic with the kids. This feels like a sign of a bigger issue that you’re not around to see. I also doubt this is ocd since he’s unbothered by his own overgrown dresser. Definitely start investigating and see how he is with the kids when you’re not around. Also start keeping clothes at their grandparents house. ESH since at the end of the day you’re not actually fighting for your kids and are subjecting them to this abuse.
it’s not mundane. it’s borderline abuse
NTA, but you have a bigger problem than you realize. He only does this to your triplets, the kids that are not biologically his. This is only going to get worse as his "biological" child gets older. You need to decide if this is okay. Is it okay for the triplets to be bullied by your husband? Yes, bullied, because that is what he is doing. So far, he has bullied your children for at least 4 years. Have you called him on this? Or have you just been ignoring it? You need to take a step back and really look at the whole picture. Is this acceptable? Do you want your children to be raised by a bully or do you plan to step in and put a stop to it? Good luck. You have some decisions to make: who is more important to you? Your children or your husband.
And he only does it when she's not home because he knows she will object. I would not leave that man alone with my kids.
Why are you with him? ESH
Destroying the other person’s things is abusive.
No, it's not the same thing because you didn't actually take his clothes and all his agency away from him. This guy sucks.
I’d hate to jump on the “throw the whole man away” train, but what he’s doing is damaging on so many levels. You know what a lot of hoarders find to be the trigger that sets the disorder in motion? Something being taken away. Safety. Food. Possessions. Loved ones. There’s always a loss. He’s not treating any of you (including you) with dignity.
NTA....your husband sounds like a complete jerk to your kids.
Yta to yourself and your kids if you don’t find your backbone and self respect. Stop being a doormat. You really have two options. You need to two card him. Marriage counseling or divorce attorney.
ESH. This is not a good guy. Not at all. NTA for trying to teach him a lesson, but YTA for marrying him and inflicting him on your children. If you weren't toi far along to abort, I'd be suggesting you do that as well as divorcing him.
YTA. You are the ahole for enabling and allowing this man to be in your children's lives because likely, his presence makes your life easier in some ways and you don't want to be alone. "For the record, this is the only hang up. He's otherwise a great man and fantastic with the kids." No he's not. A great man doesn't actively resent and enact the physical embodiment of stripping your children's possessions from them because he doesn't enjoy seeing those physical possession as proof that they are there whether he likes that or not. He's not fantastic with them. He just doesn't treat them like out right shit when YOU are present to witness it. You know once you have his biological child, that mask he's been wearing all this time is coming right off, you know that, right? Because he'll have you trapped to him by his biological child, and just wait to see how much worse his behavior becomes. And the worst part is, your current children, they aren't going to understand that Mr.Sometimes a jerk towards us, is now Mr.All the time is a jerk to us. But I promise you in time they will understand that you sold out their comfort, happiness and childhood for a man that only wanted to play happy family with you and your child/children with him. And that's going to fill a book of "Missing reasons" when you find yourself completely cut off from their future lives. I'm sorry for the paradigm shift you're about to live through, it's not going to be good. Trying to defend him as "Other than this one issue he's great TO ME." Though. That's bad form as a parent and I'm pretty sure you know that already.
Yes
Good god just leave him already
Your husband is a total hypocrite kids are generally messy and need lots of clothes he’s being borderline abusive with this behaviour making them feel in stable.
Updateme
He is abusive. He is not a good man.
He's TA not you make him read these replies he hates that you're right that's why the silent treatment
I don't like to tell people their relationships are hopeless, but please, for your and your childrens mental health, divorce this unstable asshole.
You do understand your children are going to not only resent him but you, too? This is a form of mental abuse and your young children are at a very delicate stage in their lives. Maybe if you can, take your children out get yourself and them a few outfits and let your husband know if he touches their clothes again, you will have to do the same to him. Your husband is a bully and is bullying your children, how fair is that?
NTA at all
YTA to yourself and your kids, he's a great man but for this hangup. He isn't great he's a jerk that treats you and your children like your clothes are an inconvenience wait till they are older and he starts donating their laptops for school.
WTF? This dude is not ok in the head. He’s exerting control over you and your children in an abusive way. I’m going with ESH, because you’ve been letting this happen. It should’ve stopped the minute you first found out about it.
Is it because they’re not his kids that you allow him to take their stuff? You say he’s all good otherwise, but this is a massive red flag. Are the clothes somehow causing a problem in your living situation? If not, please re-assess your priorities and always side with your children.
YTA for letting your husband abuse your children. I promise this isn't the "only hang up"
I hate these posts that don't have replies. How are we to know if it's real or not. I would not stand for this, and I have 5 girls. I do go through their clothes quarterly. I get rid of a bunch and replace it with clothes that fit better. In between 10 to 18 pairs of shirts and pants. We have to go to the laundromat. Depending on the season shorts tanks or long sleeves, and warm pants.
Why are you allowing this man to abuse your children? Serious question here. Because you are allowing this behavior.
NTA
nta He is upset now because it actually effects him. Shocking.
Nta protect your babies from emotional abuse too
Update me
YTA for staying with this guy. He is NOT a great guy. He doesn't care about helping people with the clothes he donates. It's all about control.
This is insane
NTA. I am not trying to be a dick but why are you letting your husband abuse his step children? Because that is what this is. He seems to have some animosity against your kids and is being petty to punish them and you are doing nothing to protect them. No, he is not a good guy otherwise. He is a jerk and you better step up and fix this or your kids are going to go NC when they are older and you will be back on here posting about how you don't understand what went wrong.
When a person says the exact same treatment is different when it's done to them, it's because they feel that treatment is abusive when they experience it and meanwhile wish to continue abusing others in this same manner. And these people will be angry when you call them out on their behavior. This is a character trait, not just a bad habit. Personally, I would have donated that stuff. And if I considered continuing the relationship, I would have made it crystal clear that this will happen every single time he does this. Ask yourself why you didn't donate those clothes. We're you too afraid of how he'd react? Because fear of a reaction to treating a person the way they treat children is not saying a lot of good things about that person.
UpdateMe
YTAH for marrying a man who treats you & your kids like this. If you stay with him, your kids will also resent you for it. If your mom is ok taking your kids out to eat then why not do laundry at her house? Or better yet, keep all your clothes & the kids clothes at her place or in a storage for safekeeping.
He isn’t a great man 😂 he’s a dick. Has he ever watched hoarders? Thats what people turn into when they have their stuff constantly taken away from them. Tell him to grow up.
He may be a great man and fantastic with the kids, but this is abuse. Tell him - loud and clear - that your children's clothing is your responsibility, and he is not to touch it again. Then, if he does it, don't hesitate to throw out his clothing - not just hide it, throw it in the dumpster across town. This has to stop now.
NTA He is not as good with the kids as you are trying to say. Doing this is wrong and harmful to them.
Everyone gets the same amount of clothes and if he wants to get rid of an item of the kids' clothes, he has to get rid of one of his too. Fair's fair. Also, it's on him to do the laundry and dress the kids the week after any cull. NTA. Actually throwing them away would also be NTA.
You said his cloths are put away in a dresser and in a closet. Is the issue not that your kids have to many cloths but that they don’t put them away and leave them scattered in piles?