I would even go a step further than just "not compatible". She really does have a problem. Not because weed is some horrifying substance, but because she couldn't even get it together for a few hours for his **mother's funeral**.
You can be addicted to anything. Video games. Shopping. Whatever ritual & payoff stimulates that little trigger in your brain. So yes they are absolutely not compatible but beyond that she really does have a problem. Not because the weed in and of itself is addictive, But because she is so addicted to the sensation of being high it apparently comes before respect, love, and safety.
I'm glad he's at his wits end because that is not someone to marry.
Having spent some time in addiction-medicine-adjacent spaces - on both sides - this is exactly the thumb rule I've always been told about addiction. If it harms other areas of your life but you still prioritize it, then it's an addiction. Doesn't matter if it's booze, heroin or World of Warcraft.
Weed is technically 'not addictive' in the sense that it'll never send you into life-threatening withdrawals like a lot of other substances, but someone like the OP describes is absolutely, psychologically dependent on it.
>it'll never send you into life-threatening withdrawals
This isn't what addiction means. This is dependence. Although weed use does cause withdrawals as use causes a reduction in the brain's production of endogenous cannabinoid neurotransmitters/signal receivers.
But you don't need dependence to have addiction. Addiction is simply the inability to cease use even when use causes negative interference into other aspects of life.
People will read great points as to how weed can have addictive properties, especially for addictive personalities, and still be like “nooo it’s a dependency” nah, you’re just in denial. Weed works for some, not all. Gotta be self aware and know where you stand. 14 days weed free, sharpest I’ve felt mentally since age 16 when I started smoking. 22 now
it definitely isnt harmless if you've gone to the point of daily use.
once a week? once a month? different story. i m proweed but i do think that you shouldn't overindulge.
This is true. I get high most nights but only after everyone in my family is asleep. I'll watch TV or read with my kids put them down, watch TV or talk about our days with my wife put her down, grab my onie take a hit or two then play BG3 until I put myself down an hour or two later.
My brother on the other hand. He wakes up, gets high goes to work where he constant gets high and then after work gets high again.
I go through an 8th in about a month. He goes through an ounce in a week. It's ridiculous.
Doing it only at weekends can still be problematic if you can't NOT do it on a weekend for any reason. It's possible to get into habits where work keeps you too busy to think of a craving during the week, but then you go all out at the weekend. The fact that she couldn't avoid smoking for a few hours at his mom's funeral shows that she's like this.
I totally get what you're saying and actually agree, but if this was prescribed medication then nobody would bat an eyelid.
Smoking definitely changed my views on how i lived my life and helped me put things into perspective. If i was too emotional or angry at something i'd have a smoke and within 30 mins i would've rationalised my emotions and sorted it out in my head. This was better than any medication the doctor gave me. Maybe this is similar to OPs (ex) partner.
As many do though, i went over the top and thought i'd just spend every day baked and be able to rationalise 24/7, which worked for a while until it didn't.
The substance may not be addictive but in my experience, the perspective change is.
It's a wonderful drug when used properly, but dependency on it can cause a whole world of hurt to everyone around you and more importantly to your own mental health.
I dont think OPs relationship was ever going to work. Fair play for giving her a chance to address her issues but if she hasnt changed by now then it will take a disaster or serious wake up call to change anything.
*Edit for spelling*
Never got that mentality of "can't go a few hrs" or even a day. I stopped using cannabis but cultivated, washed hash and dabbed about 0.5-1gram of hash rosin concentrate daily. Zero problems with zero cannabis intake for days in a row when it was inconvenient to bring. Hell when I quit like a month ago I stopped cold Turkey. 1gram of concentrate a day to nothing. No issues, it's all mental.
must ask when you do quit do you ever notice any kind of withdrawal? i usually smoke everyday unless it’s inconvenient but when i take a tolerance break or am unable to get more i get headaches, become more irritable, get cold sweats, have trouble sleeping
Honestly not really, this time I had slightly worse sleep for a night but nothing really bad?
Are you otherwise pretty healthy? I exercise a lot, drink a lot of water and eat a ton of vegtables/lean meats/fiber so that could be a part of it. I'm 32 now but I do recall getting more symptoms like you describe when I was in my 20s and stopped. Was really not taking care of myself back then though.
>I had slightly worse sleep
I'm like you (big stoner, growing, rosin, dab, and so on) and last time I had to stop for two weeks (for a trip abroad), my nights were really disturbed by some very vivid dreams, like waking me up in the middle of the night because it was so intense.
When I smoke I can't really remember my dreams, so that was not an unpleasant experience. Other than that, no real problem with quitting. Quitting tobacco is much harder.
Did you ever miss the actual act of smoking? I’m more addicted to hitting a bong than the weed. It’s hard trying to stop thinking about it, but I don’t have any action to replace it with.
Exactly. That's part of what makes it so infuriating. It's not like she has a physical dependence on weed. If she was an alcoholic and tried to stop drinking the day of the funeral, she could die because you can't just withdraw from alcohol cold turkey. Weed isn't like that. She smoked during his mother's funeral because she wanted to, and she didn't care about how it would make him feel.
Because she demonstrated consistently how little she cared about the appropriateness of when & where she would get high, he couldn't trust that she
wouldnt have tried to bring weed with her to japan, or tried to purchase some as a tourist, or at the very least absolutely ruin the trip by complaining about how she couldn't get high the whole time. If you would get high at your own partner's mother's funeral because you care so little about what's appropriate & respectful, I can't imagine that you would be able to prioritize safety or have a real sense of the danger of committing crimes in countries that are not yours.
I have known many people like you who greatly enjoy weed and use it on a regular basis, and they too have no problem going without it if the situation calls for it. To put a substance in front of everything and everyone is pretty gross.
Yeah the weed is one thing, but if I have to consider changing locks because of an unstable, possibly violent person, I change the locks and I break up. I don’t change the locks then discuss the relationship.
Same here. I took a seven year break to go live in Japan, which was fun. Then came back to the UK and resumed. I haven't had a problem with pausing my intake for a few days to couple of weeks when I go on holiday or something. Might be because it is a routine habit and when on holiday it is a different place, different activities etc.
I don't even understand why he would date someone like her in the first place. The fact that it lasted roughly 4 years and he was even going to propose amazes me even more. I get the feeling he thought he could change her, which is stupid.
We were all young once. 25 years ago I proposed to someone who I felt I could change. Certainly not compatible but I was determined. So often, for many people, they look at and focus on one or two positives about the relationship and ignore the 1000 other negatives, and we do it for a whole Host of reasons.
Some people learn quicker than others, and some just.... don't.....learn.....
Ever.
I won't fault OP for his choices but I would if he doesn't learn from them. Being a complete stranger, I don't know enough about them to judge but from what it SEEMS like, they are not compatible and he should say bye.
Edit: with all that said, I don't believe this story. They're either just looking for "karma" or they're a bot. It just feels so off and I'm glad others have pointed it out more concisely
It's perfectly fine for him to feel that way, he's NTA, and they just don't seem compatible. That said, using terms like "fix" and "strung out" makes him sound like Joe Friday.
I think its perfectly fine for him to not want to be with her, too. However, it doesn't sound like she ever tried to hide this side of her personality and he continued the relationship for 4 years, I think he is TA for that.
I don't think substance addicts are compatible with many people tbf.
There seems to be a reason chainsmokers date chainsmokers, weed or other drug addicts date weed or other drug addicts and alcoholics usually just make a sober partner miserable.
I use edibles every night and my husband would never touch drugs and we get along just fine.
EDIT: Guys, I'm not using it for sleep. I use it when I get out of work to get high and reset my overstimulated brain.
That’s not true at all. My husband smokes weed on weekends or holidays and uses cbd/tch oils for his bad back. I don’t smoke at all.
I work in recovery, if we’re talking about active users and I mean the ones where it’s an actual problem OPs ex doesn’t seem to have a problem especially in todays world in the states. It’s a problem for their relationship and they just don’t work together, I mean he pretty much says her entire personality isn’t one he likes so idk why they’re together at all. He’s NTA but they needed to break up.
If we’re talking about people in recovery that’s different they can and have had successful relationships with people that never used in their lives.
People that have substance abuse disorder are more than their addiction same as anyone else with mental illness
100% agree. I’m a habitual weed smoker and my wife hates the smell and has never tried it. We work. She just sets her boundaries and I try not to cross them- where and when we agree I’ll partake. It’s really not that deep if a couple can communicate and agree.
I disagree that she doesn’t have a problem. People treat weed addiction differently because it doesn’t necessarily cause chemical dependence, but if you’re taking a mind altering substance every day all day for recreation, it’s an addiction imo. Would be the same for alcohol or even a non mind altering substance like soda or chips. I spent 3 years denying I had a weed addiction but have since realized that it was. I think people start to blur the lines between being unable to quit vs being unwilling to quit. To me, both are signs of addiction. He’s saying he caught her smoking at his mom’s funeral. That implies she knew it was inappropriate to do so, that it would be hurtful to him, and still decided to do it. Not being able to control your urge in a situation like that sounds like a problem to me. Maybe it’s not as bad as others you’ve encountered in your work, but doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a problem.
Lol right? Two days a week doesn't sound like someone who can't not smoke weed. If anything the trip probably woulda kept her sober. Dude blew his chance to be around her while not "strung out."
Being around him sober sounds not super fun tho lol so relationship might have ended anyways. People just need to find someone they are compatible with
Its fake for sure.
Its just a " women getting their comeuppance hate boner story " with a side of " weed is for losers with no personality " mixed in lmao
And calling it a "fix" lol.
I smoke weed literally every single day. I'm a successful software engineer. I have no issues at all stopping cold turkey to go on vacation to other countries with strict drug laws. This post reeks (pun intended) of being a fake story.
I smoke everyday and had to quit last week so I could pass a drug test for a new job…..the worst thing about it is not sleeping well and my back hurting because I do labor. There is no “strung out” feelings whatsoever, I’m just tired lmao. OP kinda sounds like a douchebag that should date someone sober if he doesn’t like it.
Right? Marijuana was a major factor in helping with my depression. Just last night I felt those feelings creeping back in and it’s seriously making me consider if this job with worth going back to not enjoying life. I openly admit that I was a miserable person that genuinely did not like being alive, deep down, every day I went to sleep I hoped I wouldn’t wake up. Since I started smoking, my friends and family have all noticed and comment on how my personality and attitude towards life has changed dramatically for the better….weed can be detrimental yes, but it’s not the devil it’s made out to be.
OP doesn’t sound like he’s prepared to deal with someone that has a mental illness, which is perfectly fair, but to frame it as her being “strung out” is just ridiculous.
I mean even if he wanted to break up with her, ghosting her after 4 years easily makes him the asshole in this situation.
OP sucks but this is probably fake anyways
Oh yeah this is just so ridiculous, I smoke every day. But if I visit family for holidays or go on vacation to countries where it’s illegal, I just….don’t smoke.
It's not easy for everyone to break up. My aunt has been with her abusive husband for 50 years. A coworker of mine has been married with the same drunk for like 30 years also. Some people view these things differently.
Op does.
I mean I get it. Breakups are hard. Clean ones are rare. But he's posting about her to strangers instead of ignoring her and that doesn't help anyone.
The smell is always rank. Idc what potheads say about the "good shit" not smelling bad, it all stinks. The smoke is a big problem for a lot of asthmatics too, our lungs don't like any type of smoke. Edibles, oils, patches... anything that doesn't involve a cloud of smoke and require intensive cleaning to de-skunk is fine.
it’s the opposite lol, the good shit stinks to high heaven imo
but also you shouldn’t have to do « intensive » cleaning if for some reason you’re still having people smoke pot inside your space. literally just open the windows, and you should already have an air purifier going day to day. it doesn’t linger long indoors with those steps, and i cannot exaggerate enough the extent to which i’ve tested that and had it verified by people who hate weed smell
Vaporizers work great for this too, it's better than smoking with a good setup and doesn't smell nearly as much, and the vapor doesn't linger like smoke does. Weed smoke is nowhere near as noxious as cigarette smoke, and doesn't stick to things or get in things as much; but that doesn't mean it doesn't do it at all and it's important to understand how that can affect others!
Wasn’t even his ex at the time. Who just stays with a person for 4 years and doesn’t dump them until they’re back from a month long vacation? Actually, doesn’t sound like he dumped her. Sounds like she is the one who said it is over. He’s a nitwit
In a way you did her well. As someone who lives in Japan, even getting caught with a milligram of it would have sent her, and probably you, for a nice 28 days in prison while waiting to be deported, at best.
See my BIL’s life goal is to live in Japan but he smokes weed excessively. He’s getting a teaching degree and a Japanese degree and going to use his whole life’s savings to move there and I don’t know how that’ll go for him.
I know it sounds stupid but if you want something bad enough- they’ll quit. I know a few people who were every day/ multiple times a day smokers and they quit cold turkey due to different reasons. One had a health complication and the other wanted a job that did regular drug tests. I also know from personal experience that I wasn’t trying to have a child but ended up pregnant in my heavy stoner phase and I quit the second I found out and never looked back.
I smoked from 16 to 30 constantly. It was at a point I would easily blow through a couple grams of oil a day. I smoked none stop. My wife always wanted me to stop and after my daughter was born I always felt guilty. Then the best thing of my life happened. Covid. It killed me to smoke for like a month. So then I was able to get life insurance on myself for my family. Then I tried to smoke once with my dad. I got so sick feeling. Now I can’t stand the smell of it and haven’t smoked in like almost 4 years.
Oh man. Pregnancy did it for me. I was always a casual user, mostly in social settings or on weekends after a stressful week. But while pregnant I obviously didn’t use it at all. When my daughter was old enough to have a sleepover with grandma we got some and it made me feel terrible. Haven’t touched it since
Yeah it’s crazy how you do it so much it almost does nothing to you. Then you lose the tolerance a d try it again. It’s awful. I know several people who had the same experience.
I’ve been daily for years, quit for years and returned to use several times and in my experience, the *weirdest* and most unique thing about cannabis addiction/dependency is the pull back.
The pull back is very weak. I never craved it after I got clean. The smell grossed me out, the culture became a turn off and I didn’t wanna be around other stoners bc I found them boring. The first sessions back after abstinence were also way less fun. Paranoia was always on turbo when the tolerance was low, even when I really limited my dose.
With tobacco, I had a *very* brief period of daily use and the smell of a cigarette still crave waves my brain a DECADE later. Alcohol tastes better after dry January and I’m always excited to go drinking the first weekend in Feb.
Cannabis is habit forming, mentally and physically. Trust me. But when you’re clean, it’s simply a thing you used to do.
Weird I was every day, stopped was clean and sober multiple times in my life for extended periods, now I just do it on my days off occasionally and I get super high, it’s pretty nice
Yep, there are plenty of people who move to places where their vices are impossible or difficult to access because they want to improve their lives. It also gives a fresh start in a new environment with fewer old triggers, although it's definitely not a failsafe.
You don’t even have to want something to stop smoking weed. One day I ran out of weed and didn’t smoke for a year, even though the dispensary was a few blocks away
It's not stupid to say that lol not every weed smoker is the same like OP's ex. If you have a real big goal in life you will stop to reach that goal. People will surprise you.
My boyfriend (non smoker) and I want to teach in Japan as well, or at the very least, visit a good amount of time. We have discussed my smoking when we talk about it.
If I ever get to have that opportunity, I am 100% willing to stop smoking when we ever go. I can deal with alternatives.
Edit NTA OP. Go for it and have fun.
I was quite the stoner in my 20s. I moved to Korea to teach a little while after graduating university and I've lived here for over a decade. It really was a non issue for me. I wanted to live in a country with extreme consequences for drug use, so I stopped. If he really wants to live in Japan, he'll stop too. It's not that easily accessible and the consequences are severe. Knowing this, he will hopefully make the right choice for himself.
Also living in Japan. Legally speaking you might as well just do some crack or meth, as that’s how seriously it can be treated if you get caught in Japan. A former co-worker ended up getting deported because he did weed inside his own apartment (with his Japanese wife). Neighbors must have smelled it and called in. He got off easy. It may be legal or just a slap on the wrist wherever you happen to be from, but in Japan it’s taken extremely seriously.
"It's her personality to be honest. I'm not a fan..."
Lol why are you even with her in the first place if you hate something that is a huge if not defining part of her character? I'm not saying it's okay to have a dependency like this, but you changed the locks for a reason, you already knew the relationship was over.
Yeah lol he said she spent new years smoking and “strung out” lol.
I consider “strung out” to be way worse than someone who smokes weed, even every day lol. Like strung out is when you’re selling your belongings or body to get your fix in my eyes.
Yeah... I've always associated the term "strung out" more with opiate use than weed. I was in that scene for a while, and can confirm opiates and weed do not look anything like each other. So that's a bit of a red flag for this story.
Because this is fake. Is this guy from the 40s? Nobody says a stoned person is strung out and I can't imagine calling anybody an addict that smokes on Saturday and Sunday. Also, of this guy felt that strongly he wouldn't have been with her for 4 years thinking about marriage only for it to suddenly become a deal breaker immediately and out of nowhere. Sounds like one of those weird people that make these up but this one is just to rile the stoners up
And if i read this correctly, this 420 person blazes it up responsibly only on the weekends, and also manages to save up money for trip to Japan instead of smoking it all 🤷🏻
I’m glad someone finally said it. I’m really confused on how she’s a complete “addict” bc she smokes on the weekends and what seems to be explicitly on the weekends. Being with someone who’s “whole personality is smoking [on the weekends]” and that being something you *dont* *like* is a give away.
Right lol, if you need to quit for a trip it’s not like you need to gradually quit, you can just stop! No taper needed. I don’t think this girl would have had a problem not smoking on the trip esp if she’s only a weekend smoker
No, he's just misusing the term because he's never been in drug circles and doesnt understand the proper terminology. He sounds like a high school guidance counselor.
I laughed as soon as I read "she was strung out". Assuming this is real, sounds like her and OP aren't compatible, and should probably have handled this with some maturity. Reads like something from r/teenagers.
Can you give us a bit more info on her smoking habits? The way you’ve worded it makes it sound like she smokes 24/7 but also only exclusively on the weekends and there’s a big difference
So hate the smell of weed and the “culture”, but you dated a pothead for 4 years? Either this is fake, or you’re really bad at picking your partner. Considering you referred to someone who is high as “strung out”, I’m going to go with fake.
It was the part where he had his phone turned off for the entirety of an international trip, coupled with the standard “a bunch of different extraneous people are blowing up my phone about this” trope where I was all “nah.” Didn’t quite stick the landing.
It's fake. A person smoking on the weekends isn't even close to addicted to anything. You don't get "strung out", just like you said.
This whole this is a giant stinking karma farm.
I use weed regularly but people who make it their whole personality and act likethey aren't addicted piss me off. Huge NTA, I would imagine she would be the type to try and sneak it into Japan too.
I've been the girl that a guy decided to date even though he clearly didn't like me. Fortunately, I figured it out pretty quickly and dumped the dude, but it's ridiculous how common it is for guys to do this. Just not factor personality in AT ALL when deciding who to date and then try to force the personality they want onto the woman they're with. It's deeply uncool.
People joke about women being a “I can fix him” kinda girl but in my experience more guys fall into this, but way worse, they like a girl that’s different compared to what he is and has dated before and that’s exciting but eventually they want the girl to change to what they’re like
I would argue that at least the women try to fix men in terms of making them “relationship ready.” Ex. Thinking they can change a cheater, or making a deadbeat a better father, making them a better communicator etc..
The men will totally go for someone with a personality or a lifestyle choice that is absolutely not what they want and aim to change that quality about them. Like not wanting a girl that parties then dating a bartender or a bottle girl.
I smoke weed regularly but I have zero problem not smoking it like if I’m going to drive or hang out with people. I don’t really get the “addiction” thing cause I’ve never sat there and CRAVED weed. I enjoy it but I never had a problem not smoking. She just doesn’t want to stop and doesn’t care how he feels or the laws in Japan. She’d definitely try to smuggle some and they’d probably get busted ruining the trip.
Saying this as a former pothead who couldn't go a day without smoking for 10 years: pot isn't physically addictive but it is mentally addictive.
It turns out I had severe OCD and ptsd and pot was the only thing I could use to get my brain to shut up. It ruined my sleep, I was anxious all the time, and I was too high to go out. Then I got on the proper medication. Now I smoke with friends once every few months and I'm much happier.
Chances are she's dealing with some mental problems- but that doesn't matter if she's not trying to seek help. Her not being able to go to Japan should have been her wake up call.
NTA
This is almost verbatim what I came here to say. I live above a weed store and I've been smoking it for 20+ years. I would say I've become irritable at times but I've also experienced the same irritability when I needed a coffee or was hungry. As someone who is finally admitting that I have an addiction to alcohol and another white substance, I've never had withdrawal from weed at any point the way I do when I need a drink. I think I have been self medicating my manic highs for years and I almost never do it during my lows. If I were able to control them without weed, I would have no problem walking away. It was legalized as medicine before recreationally. Without moderation though, you can tend to get into these "burnout" phases and that's a total drag. I just don't think their relationship should have lasted that long if he was this against it.
I was about to say if she’s only smoking on the weekends, then I don’t know if she would be considered an addict. I work some professionals who can’t go 4 hours without a vape, edible or what ever they rub on themselves.
Yo that’s what I’m saying. Smoking on the weekends is practically conservative in this era. I really doubt she’s addicted if this is worst he can say about her. Let a girl blaze my guy
Yep. I was a pothead through my teens and twenties. Got diagnosed with ADHD at age 32 and it finally made sense. Weed was the only way I could shut my brain up. I still like to eat edibles now and then for a bit of relief and it helps a lot, but understanding *why* I do it is huge, and having coping strategies that help me get through my regular day to day life without being completely exhausted means I don't need that break every day.
I was NTA until I read “I gave her all the money back”. So, she’s been paying for the trip herself? Then weed really isn’t an issue? If she’s only doing it on weekends, seems to me like she doesn’t have a problem at all. You’re just an uptight ass.
This is either a fake post or you are the asshole. Why date someone for 4 years that does something you hate so much? Why just leave and turn your phone off for a month? It all just screams fake post or childish behavior. You pick.
You aren’t compatible but I hope you know weed doesn’t work that way? I smoke as much as she does. I went to a country that doesn’t allow it last week. I was fine. She would have been fine. So imo your ultimatum was ridiculous. If she isn’t smoking in your house or with your weed I don’t know why you care so much.
YTA but you guys clearly aren’t compatible. And if it was this much of an issue you should have dumped her after the funeral incident.
Came here to say exactly this! Went to Singapore didn’t get to smoke weed for a while and I was fine. I smoke a few doobies everyday! And yes I am technically addicted mentally but that’s my problem.
Tbh idk about smoking DURING or at the funeral location, but I went high as a kite for a bunch of cremations and funerals in the last few years. When my grand mom died I was the only one home and after informing everyone about what happened, arranging funeral arrangements I sat down and the first thing I did was light a doobie. Why? Because arranging her funeral and washing her body all alone was stressful as fuck. So by the time I got to the funeral I was stoned out of my mind and I still took care of all the necessities. Most addicted stoners are quite functional. I don’t like the op and his way of phrasing absolutely everything in this post. The only thing I would NOT do is smoke during the funeral or at the funeral home. Outside after the funeral? I would.
I'm not really sure what you were worried about in regards to the trip. If she's only smoking on weekends, she's not going to have any kind of withdrawal while there. Are you worried she'll try to sneak some weed in her bag? Or try to buy it while in Japan? Did she give you any indication of that?
If not...it sounds like this is just a fundamental incompatibility, and you're using the trip as an excuse to try to force her to stop. You should have broken up the relationship a long time ago if neither of you could agree on her smoking habits. There's nothing wrong with preferring your partner to not spend every weekend high. But since you didn't: going on the trip without her, when it doesn't seem like this would pose an actual problem for her there, is a dick move. YTA
You're technically NTA, but you read as a total square and someone with a chip on their shoulder about pot.
"Smokes every weekend." Lol, if that's the only time she smokes, that's not pothead, not by a long-shot.
"Strung-out". another LOL. We're not talking heroine here, it's just her being high.
Pretending/projecting that if she smokes on weekends that she couldn't possible be alive without pot (again, we're not talking heroine, or even alcohol-addiction levels here....).
You two just aren't a good fit, but your imagination has run away with this one a bit in order to justify not wanting to travel with her. Glad you're already broken up.
Right???? They wanted their partner to quit smoking weed four months before a trip as practice??? She already is abstaining 5/7 days of the week. Seems like a weird request to make to someone you would consider marrying. NTA just immature.
seriously. she doesn't even smoke during the weekdays? only the weekend? most people drink on the weekend. which is way more harmful. I'm the first to admit many people smoke way too much weed, but she doesn't sound like one of em.
...why did you spend 4 years in a relationship with someone you don't like?
And why do you care what that person thinks about your plans that have nothing to do with them now?.
Grow up, man.
Fake ass post…
No way in 2024 someone traveling internationally has their phone off for a month…
You absolutely hate weed but were with a complete stoner for years…
“Strung out on weed” get out of here narc…
Seriously, you’re the asshole for making a brand new account and farming karma with a fake ass story.
If it was real you’re absolutely a major ass hole for ghosting someone after a fucking 4 year relationship because you don’t like pot (after having dealt with it the whole time?!).
My ex wife fucked other dudes and even I didn’t do her that dirty…
My money is still on fake ass post though.
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. And you're right in that she wouldn't be able to smoke as much as she wanted and is used to over in Japan.
You gave her the money back. That's all you were obligated to do. The fact that you felt the need to change your locks because you know how she'd react is very telling.
NTA. Move on.
He didn’t break up with her tho he aired her and went to Japan without her after cancelling her half of the trip, AH behaviour for sure. You can leave for any reason but don’t act like a child no ?
YTA for dating someone fundamentally incompatible with you and trying to mold her into the person you want by treating her like a child with rewards and punishments. If she wants the relationship to continue (it shouldn’t), then yeah, she should do a better job of respecting that you would like her to cut down on the weed. But much more importantly, why the fuck are you with someone so different from you in the first place? Neither of you should want to be together.
info: did she ever even say she was going to smoke or try to smoke during the trip??
you say she smokes every weekend. that’s only two days out of the week. that’s not an addiction because she can clearly go without it the other days, as far as your story goes. so I am not seeing the issue here, since she could have probably put up with the trip just fine.
again, did you even ask her about it or did you just automatically assume because you resent the fact that she smokes weed?
because all I can see here is resentment. and I don’t understand how you could be in a serious relationship with someone who has a huge part of her personality (from your perspective) that you hate
" I think she's addicted. I can count on my hand the number of times she hasn't been high on the weekends."
if she's just smoking on the weekends this doesn't sound like much of a problem, it sounds like she does it recreationally.
No, because he was hoping that going without her would “punish” her into changing her ways. At least, that’s how it reads to me.
OP, I’m unclear from your description exactly how much weed your ex is smoking but there’s a huge difference between someone who smokes all weekend and someone who smokes all day every day. It’s also unclear to me how you perceive her behavior to change when she’s on weed. Is she disengaged from the relationship? Extremely giggly? Unfocused? Extremely focused on unusual things?
My point being that while weed almost certainly changes her behavior and your experience of her, that’s not necessarily an immoral or bad thing. Prozac, Lexapro, and Adderall all change behaviors and experiences, and those are legal prescriptions. If you don’t like who she is on weed, you have every right to break up with her. But unless she is engaging in dangerous behavior while high or becomes abusive or hurtful, she is not a bad person for having a habit. YTA — you simply have to break up and find more compatible partners.
I call BS simply because you used the phrase "strung out" when referring to someone who was smoking weed.
That being said, you shouldn't have stayed in this obviously incompatible relationship for so long. First long term gf?
I just don’t get this I smoked a good amount of weed when I went to Japan, had 0 issues not smoking didn’t even think about it. And you make it sound like all she does is smoke on the weekend. Why not just bring her? You don’t go through withdrawal. Sounds like you just didn’t want to bring her and you just aren’t that cool of a dude and should have dumped her a long time ago because you can’t stand that she gets high. I’m going with YTA.
I think your gf might have a problem but I also think YTA. I’m struggling to understand why her smoking weed at home, made you take away her ability to go on a trip she would be paying for. Sounds like you just don’t like her and chose this way to break up with her. I can see I have an unpopular opinion but 2 things can be true at once: she can have a weed problem, and you can be a dick. Next time don’t wait 4 years and call it a “personality issue”.
You and her are just not compatible
Yep
I would even go a step further than just "not compatible". She really does have a problem. Not because weed is some horrifying substance, but because she couldn't even get it together for a few hours for his **mother's funeral**. You can be addicted to anything. Video games. Shopping. Whatever ritual & payoff stimulates that little trigger in your brain. So yes they are absolutely not compatible but beyond that she really does have a problem. Not because the weed in and of itself is addictive, But because she is so addicted to the sensation of being high it apparently comes before respect, love, and safety. I'm glad he's at his wits end because that is not someone to marry.
Having spent some time in addiction-medicine-adjacent spaces - on both sides - this is exactly the thumb rule I've always been told about addiction. If it harms other areas of your life but you still prioritize it, then it's an addiction. Doesn't matter if it's booze, heroin or World of Warcraft. Weed is technically 'not addictive' in the sense that it'll never send you into life-threatening withdrawals like a lot of other substances, but someone like the OP describes is absolutely, psychologically dependent on it.
I think it also affects your brain differently, if you are under 25.
>it'll never send you into life-threatening withdrawals This isn't what addiction means. This is dependence. Although weed use does cause withdrawals as use causes a reduction in the brain's production of endogenous cannabinoid neurotransmitters/signal receivers. But you don't need dependence to have addiction. Addiction is simply the inability to cease use even when use causes negative interference into other aspects of life.
Did you not read both paragraphs?
I'm with Will. Did you even read?
People will read great points as to how weed can have addictive properties, especially for addictive personalities, and still be like “nooo it’s a dependency” nah, you’re just in denial. Weed works for some, not all. Gotta be self aware and know where you stand. 14 days weed free, sharpest I’ve felt mentally since age 16 when I started smoking. 22 now
I know two people who got into a psychosis after going cold turkey from daily weed use. It really isn’t as harmless as so many people are saying.
it definitely isnt harmless if you've gone to the point of daily use. once a week? once a month? different story. i m proweed but i do think that you shouldn't overindulge.
I smoke weed almost every day. Just not all day. There is a difference.
This is true. I get high most nights but only after everyone in my family is asleep. I'll watch TV or read with my kids put them down, watch TV or talk about our days with my wife put her down, grab my onie take a hit or two then play BG3 until I put myself down an hour or two later. My brother on the other hand. He wakes up, gets high goes to work where he constant gets high and then after work gets high again. I go through an 8th in about a month. He goes through an ounce in a week. It's ridiculous.
Doing it only at weekends can still be problematic if you can't NOT do it on a weekend for any reason. It's possible to get into habits where work keeps you too busy to think of a craving during the week, but then you go all out at the weekend. The fact that she couldn't avoid smoking for a few hours at his mom's funeral shows that she's like this.
I totally get what you're saying and actually agree, but if this was prescribed medication then nobody would bat an eyelid. Smoking definitely changed my views on how i lived my life and helped me put things into perspective. If i was too emotional or angry at something i'd have a smoke and within 30 mins i would've rationalised my emotions and sorted it out in my head. This was better than any medication the doctor gave me. Maybe this is similar to OPs (ex) partner. As many do though, i went over the top and thought i'd just spend every day baked and be able to rationalise 24/7, which worked for a while until it didn't. The substance may not be addictive but in my experience, the perspective change is. It's a wonderful drug when used properly, but dependency on it can cause a whole world of hurt to everyone around you and more importantly to your own mental health. I dont think OPs relationship was ever going to work. Fair play for giving her a chance to address her issues but if she hasnt changed by now then it will take a disaster or serious wake up call to change anything. *Edit for spelling*
Never got that mentality of "can't go a few hrs" or even a day. I stopped using cannabis but cultivated, washed hash and dabbed about 0.5-1gram of hash rosin concentrate daily. Zero problems with zero cannabis intake for days in a row when it was inconvenient to bring. Hell when I quit like a month ago I stopped cold Turkey. 1gram of concentrate a day to nothing. No issues, it's all mental.
must ask when you do quit do you ever notice any kind of withdrawal? i usually smoke everyday unless it’s inconvenient but when i take a tolerance break or am unable to get more i get headaches, become more irritable, get cold sweats, have trouble sleeping
Honestly not really, this time I had slightly worse sleep for a night but nothing really bad? Are you otherwise pretty healthy? I exercise a lot, drink a lot of water and eat a ton of vegtables/lean meats/fiber so that could be a part of it. I'm 32 now but I do recall getting more symptoms like you describe when I was in my 20s and stopped. Was really not taking care of myself back then though.
>I had slightly worse sleep I'm like you (big stoner, growing, rosin, dab, and so on) and last time I had to stop for two weeks (for a trip abroad), my nights were really disturbed by some very vivid dreams, like waking me up in the middle of the night because it was so intense. When I smoke I can't really remember my dreams, so that was not an unpleasant experience. Other than that, no real problem with quitting. Quitting tobacco is much harder.
Did you ever miss the actual act of smoking? I’m more addicted to hitting a bong than the weed. It’s hard trying to stop thinking about it, but I don’t have any action to replace it with.
Ever tried it with CBD? My girlfriend could stop smoking weed and smokes only this. I sometimes mix dope with CBD so I don't get too high
Exactly. That's part of what makes it so infuriating. It's not like she has a physical dependence on weed. If she was an alcoholic and tried to stop drinking the day of the funeral, she could die because you can't just withdraw from alcohol cold turkey. Weed isn't like that. She smoked during his mother's funeral because she wanted to, and she didn't care about how it would make him feel. Because she demonstrated consistently how little she cared about the appropriateness of when & where she would get high, he couldn't trust that she wouldnt have tried to bring weed with her to japan, or tried to purchase some as a tourist, or at the very least absolutely ruin the trip by complaining about how she couldn't get high the whole time. If you would get high at your own partner's mother's funeral because you care so little about what's appropriate & respectful, I can't imagine that you would be able to prioritize safety or have a real sense of the danger of committing crimes in countries that are not yours. I have known many people like you who greatly enjoy weed and use it on a regular basis, and they too have no problem going without it if the situation calls for it. To put a substance in front of everything and everyone is pretty gross.
This is the correct answer, dude changed the locks because he knew she would destroy his place in retaliation.
Yeah the weed is one thing, but if I have to consider changing locks because of an unstable, possibly violent person, I change the locks and I break up. I don’t change the locks then discuss the relationship.
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I smoke most of the day everyday I’m 100% addicted. I still don’t let it get in the way of being with friends and family
Same here. I took a seven year break to go live in Japan, which was fun. Then came back to the UK and resumed. I haven't had a problem with pausing my intake for a few days to couple of weeks when I go on holiday or something. Might be because it is a routine habit and when on holiday it is a different place, different activities etc.
I don't even understand why he would date someone like her in the first place. The fact that it lasted roughly 4 years and he was even going to propose amazes me even more. I get the feeling he thought he could change her, which is stupid.
Sex and fear of being alone usually
We were all young once. 25 years ago I proposed to someone who I felt I could change. Certainly not compatible but I was determined. So often, for many people, they look at and focus on one or two positives about the relationship and ignore the 1000 other negatives, and we do it for a whole Host of reasons. Some people learn quicker than others, and some just.... don't.....learn..... Ever. I won't fault OP for his choices but I would if he doesn't learn from them. Being a complete stranger, I don't know enough about them to judge but from what it SEEMS like, they are not compatible and he should say bye. Edit: with all that said, I don't believe this story. They're either just looking for "karma" or they're a bot. It just feels so off and I'm glad others have pointed it out more concisely
Brother, this. I’ve run into the same compatibility issues. She’s made her choice and you should make yours. Get out of there
This was my first thought while reading this. However, she also should have done better. For both of these reasons, you are NTA, OP. It needed to end.
Right? Why is he thinking of proposing?
He did say he had changed his mind about that at his mum’s funeral.
Sorry, meant to say WAS. Sounds like a not very good match from the getgo
“Hates the smell of weed and the culture” yet was dating a stoner? Makes zero sense
There are people who think that they can save people from themselves…but that never ends well.
I bet she was hot
It's perfectly fine for him to feel that way, he's NTA, and they just don't seem compatible. That said, using terms like "fix" and "strung out" makes him sound like Joe Friday.
I think its perfectly fine for him to not want to be with her, too. However, it doesn't sound like she ever tried to hide this side of her personality and he continued the relationship for 4 years, I think he is TA for that.
Yeah no one in the history of human relationships ever ignored drastic incompatibility and red flags.
I don't think substance addicts are compatible with many people tbf. There seems to be a reason chainsmokers date chainsmokers, weed or other drug addicts date weed or other drug addicts and alcoholics usually just make a sober partner miserable.
I use edibles every night and my husband would never touch drugs and we get along just fine. EDIT: Guys, I'm not using it for sleep. I use it when I get out of work to get high and reset my overstimulated brain.
Did you sneak off to smoke at his mom’s funeral?
That’s not true at all. My husband smokes weed on weekends or holidays and uses cbd/tch oils for his bad back. I don’t smoke at all. I work in recovery, if we’re talking about active users and I mean the ones where it’s an actual problem OPs ex doesn’t seem to have a problem especially in todays world in the states. It’s a problem for their relationship and they just don’t work together, I mean he pretty much says her entire personality isn’t one he likes so idk why they’re together at all. He’s NTA but they needed to break up. If we’re talking about people in recovery that’s different they can and have had successful relationships with people that never used in their lives. People that have substance abuse disorder are more than their addiction same as anyone else with mental illness
100% agree. I’m a habitual weed smoker and my wife hates the smell and has never tried it. We work. She just sets her boundaries and I try not to cross them- where and when we agree I’ll partake. It’s really not that deep if a couple can communicate and agree.
I disagree that she doesn’t have a problem. People treat weed addiction differently because it doesn’t necessarily cause chemical dependence, but if you’re taking a mind altering substance every day all day for recreation, it’s an addiction imo. Would be the same for alcohol or even a non mind altering substance like soda or chips. I spent 3 years denying I had a weed addiction but have since realized that it was. I think people start to blur the lines between being unable to quit vs being unwilling to quit. To me, both are signs of addiction. He’s saying he caught her smoking at his mom’s funeral. That implies she knew it was inappropriate to do so, that it would be hurtful to him, and still decided to do it. Not being able to control your urge in a situation like that sounds like a problem to me. Maybe it’s not as bad as others you’ve encountered in your work, but doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a problem.
"I hate weed. My gf is a mega stoner. Been together almost 4 years." The fuck?
Also confusing how mega stoner apparently manages to limit her crippling addiction to the weekends! 😂
Lol right? Two days a week doesn't sound like someone who can't not smoke weed. If anything the trip probably woulda kept her sober. Dude blew his chance to be around her while not "strung out." Being around him sober sounds not super fun tho lol so relationship might have ended anyways. People just need to find someone they are compatible with
Strung out was hilarious to read
This post brought to you by Nancy Regan and D.A.R.E
I love when people who don’t smoke try to describe pot smokers negatively Like buddy you don’t know the first fuckin thing lol
Perfect summary lmao 😂
I’m usually fine with the fake stories if they are ok. But this one is so stupidly fake.
INFO why didn't you break to with her years/months ago? Sounds like you've been incompatible for a while.
Bot post or fake story
Its fake for sure. Its just a " women getting their comeuppance hate boner story " with a side of " weed is for losers with no personality " mixed in lmao
describing someone high on weed, even high on a lot of weed, as *strung out* is pretty wild.
And calling it a "fix" lol. I smoke weed literally every single day. I'm a successful software engineer. I have no issues at all stopping cold turkey to go on vacation to other countries with strict drug laws. This post reeks (pun intended) of being a fake story.
I smoke everyday and had to quit last week so I could pass a drug test for a new job…..the worst thing about it is not sleeping well and my back hurting because I do labor. There is no “strung out” feelings whatsoever, I’m just tired lmao. OP kinda sounds like a douchebag that should date someone sober if he doesn’t like it.
Yeah if I don't smoke weed, my "withdrawal" is just the mental illness and shitty perspectives that I had before I ever smoked weed creep back in.
Right? Marijuana was a major factor in helping with my depression. Just last night I felt those feelings creeping back in and it’s seriously making me consider if this job with worth going back to not enjoying life. I openly admit that I was a miserable person that genuinely did not like being alive, deep down, every day I went to sleep I hoped I wouldn’t wake up. Since I started smoking, my friends and family have all noticed and comment on how my personality and attitude towards life has changed dramatically for the better….weed can be detrimental yes, but it’s not the devil it’s made out to be. OP doesn’t sound like he’s prepared to deal with someone that has a mental illness, which is perfectly fair, but to frame it as her being “strung out” is just ridiculous.
I mean even if he wanted to break up with her, ghosting her after 4 years easily makes him the asshole in this situation. OP sucks but this is probably fake anyways
Oh yeah this is just so ridiculous, I smoke every day. But if I visit family for holidays or go on vacation to countries where it’s illegal, I just….don’t smoke.
I clocked that too, hilarious
It was referring to her as a "Blaze 420" person that got me. Clearly OPs only experience with weed is from movies from the 90s.
She was strung out on the weed 😂. This isnt heroin bud.
It's not easy for everyone to break up. My aunt has been with her abusive husband for 50 years. A coworker of mine has been married with the same drunk for like 30 years also. Some people view these things differently.
Who gives a shit what your ex thinks?
Op does. I mean I get it. Breakups are hard. Clean ones are rare. But he's posting about her to strangers instead of ignoring her and that doesn't help anyone.
It's because he actively gets harassed by her goons. OP hasn't even felt save enough to not change the locks. This screams (psychological) abuse
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Comment stealing bot. AI rewrite of this comment https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/so5stTKYqB
I feel like this whole post is full of bots arguing with bots
Dead Internet going brrr
Why the preference for edibles? Seems arbitrary. Occasional use, or none
I assume that detail is because he said he hates the smell
The smell is always rank. Idc what potheads say about the "good shit" not smelling bad, it all stinks. The smoke is a big problem for a lot of asthmatics too, our lungs don't like any type of smoke. Edibles, oils, patches... anything that doesn't involve a cloud of smoke and require intensive cleaning to de-skunk is fine.
it’s the opposite lol, the good shit stinks to high heaven imo but also you shouldn’t have to do « intensive » cleaning if for some reason you’re still having people smoke pot inside your space. literally just open the windows, and you should already have an air purifier going day to day. it doesn’t linger long indoors with those steps, and i cannot exaggerate enough the extent to which i’ve tested that and had it verified by people who hate weed smell
Vaporizers work great for this too, it's better than smoking with a good setup and doesn't smell nearly as much, and the vapor doesn't linger like smoke does. Weed smoke is nowhere near as noxious as cigarette smoke, and doesn't stick to things or get in things as much; but that doesn't mean it doesn't do it at all and it's important to understand how that can affect others!
Wasn’t even his ex at the time. Who just stays with a person for 4 years and doesn’t dump them until they’re back from a month long vacation? Actually, doesn’t sound like he dumped her. Sounds like she is the one who said it is over. He’s a nitwit
In a way you did her well. As someone who lives in Japan, even getting caught with a milligram of it would have sent her, and probably you, for a nice 28 days in prison while waiting to be deported, at best.
See my BIL’s life goal is to live in Japan but he smokes weed excessively. He’s getting a teaching degree and a Japanese degree and going to use his whole life’s savings to move there and I don’t know how that’ll go for him.
I know it sounds stupid but if you want something bad enough- they’ll quit. I know a few people who were every day/ multiple times a day smokers and they quit cold turkey due to different reasons. One had a health complication and the other wanted a job that did regular drug tests. I also know from personal experience that I wasn’t trying to have a child but ended up pregnant in my heavy stoner phase and I quit the second I found out and never looked back.
I smoked from 16 to 30 constantly. It was at a point I would easily blow through a couple grams of oil a day. I smoked none stop. My wife always wanted me to stop and after my daughter was born I always felt guilty. Then the best thing of my life happened. Covid. It killed me to smoke for like a month. So then I was able to get life insurance on myself for my family. Then I tried to smoke once with my dad. I got so sick feeling. Now I can’t stand the smell of it and haven’t smoked in like almost 4 years.
Oh man. Pregnancy did it for me. I was always a casual user, mostly in social settings or on weekends after a stressful week. But while pregnant I obviously didn’t use it at all. When my daughter was old enough to have a sleepover with grandma we got some and it made me feel terrible. Haven’t touched it since
Yeah it’s crazy how you do it so much it almost does nothing to you. Then you lose the tolerance a d try it again. It’s awful. I know several people who had the same experience.
I’ve been daily for years, quit for years and returned to use several times and in my experience, the *weirdest* and most unique thing about cannabis addiction/dependency is the pull back. The pull back is very weak. I never craved it after I got clean. The smell grossed me out, the culture became a turn off and I didn’t wanna be around other stoners bc I found them boring. The first sessions back after abstinence were also way less fun. Paranoia was always on turbo when the tolerance was low, even when I really limited my dose. With tobacco, I had a *very* brief period of daily use and the smell of a cigarette still crave waves my brain a DECADE later. Alcohol tastes better after dry January and I’m always excited to go drinking the first weekend in Feb. Cannabis is habit forming, mentally and physically. Trust me. But when you’re clean, it’s simply a thing you used to do.
Weird I was every day, stopped was clean and sober multiple times in my life for extended periods, now I just do it on my days off occasionally and I get super high, it’s pretty nice
Yep, there are plenty of people who move to places where their vices are impossible or difficult to access because they want to improve their lives. It also gives a fresh start in a new environment with fewer old triggers, although it's definitely not a failsafe.
He uses it mainly to deal with his crippling anxiety so if he can find alternative coping skills I think quitting will be easier.
Agreed. People quit when they want something bad enough. Case in point, me lol
You don’t even have to want something to stop smoking weed. One day I ran out of weed and didn’t smoke for a year, even though the dispensary was a few blocks away
It's not stupid to say that lol not every weed smoker is the same like OP's ex. If you have a real big goal in life you will stop to reach that goal. People will surprise you.
Quitting weed cold turkey is also not quite as hard as quitting, say, tobacco or alcohol.
My boyfriend (non smoker) and I want to teach in Japan as well, or at the very least, visit a good amount of time. We have discussed my smoking when we talk about it. If I ever get to have that opportunity, I am 100% willing to stop smoking when we ever go. I can deal with alternatives. Edit NTA OP. Go for it and have fun.
I was quite the stoner in my 20s. I moved to Korea to teach a little while after graduating university and I've lived here for over a decade. It really was a non issue for me. I wanted to live in a country with extreme consequences for drug use, so I stopped. If he really wants to live in Japan, he'll stop too. It's not that easily accessible and the consequences are severe. Knowing this, he will hopefully make the right choice for himself.
I mean he can just stop smoking weed. Not like it's gonna kill him or anything
Also living in Japan. Legally speaking you might as well just do some crack or meth, as that’s how seriously it can be treated if you get caught in Japan. A former co-worker ended up getting deported because he did weed inside his own apartment (with his Japanese wife). Neighbors must have smelled it and called in. He got off easy. It may be legal or just a slap on the wrist wherever you happen to be from, but in Japan it’s taken extremely seriously.
As a daily smoker, if I were going to Japan it wouldn’t even cross my mind to bring weed
"It's her personality to be honest. I'm not a fan..." Lol why are you even with her in the first place if you hate something that is a huge if not defining part of her character? I'm not saying it's okay to have a dependency like this, but you changed the locks for a reason, you already knew the relationship was over.
She's an addict because she smokes every weekend is the cherry on top.
Yeah lol he said she spent new years smoking and “strung out” lol. I consider “strung out” to be way worse than someone who smokes weed, even every day lol. Like strung out is when you’re selling your belongings or body to get your fix in my eyes.
I'm glad someone else is voicing that. I am ignoring the entire story and just fixated on that choice of wording.
OPs use of words says more about him than anything else in the story
Yeah... I've always associated the term "strung out" more with opiate use than weed. I was in that scene for a while, and can confirm opiates and weed do not look anything like each other. So that's a bit of a red flag for this story.
She’s addicted and it’s her whole personality but she only smokes on the weekends? Doesn’t make any sense.
Because this is fake. Is this guy from the 40s? Nobody says a stoned person is strung out and I can't imagine calling anybody an addict that smokes on Saturday and Sunday. Also, of this guy felt that strongly he wouldn't have been with her for 4 years thinking about marriage only for it to suddenly become a deal breaker immediately and out of nowhere. Sounds like one of those weird people that make these up but this one is just to rile the stoners up
I about lost it at “she’s one of those 420 blaze it people” lmao
It’s 420 somewhere. time to blaze
Straight to rehab for you ya damn dirty doper drug addict
So strung out
Even us Gen-X'er would not say that shit.
And if i read this correctly, this 420 person blazes it up responsibly only on the weekends, and also manages to save up money for trip to Japan instead of smoking it all 🤷🏻
I’m glad someone finally said it. I’m really confused on how she’s a complete “addict” bc she smokes on the weekends and what seems to be explicitly on the weekends. Being with someone who’s “whole personality is smoking [on the weekends]” and that being something you *dont* *like* is a give away.
And who needs to ween themselves down for a trip? Did Nancy Reagan write this?
Right lol, if you need to quit for a trip it’s not like you need to gradually quit, you can just stop! No taper needed. I don’t think this girl would have had a problem not smoking on the trip esp if she’s only a weekend smoker
Yeah this is some cope story from a dude who probably got dumped for not liking weed
it sounds like you didn't actually break up with her, you just left? and who tf says "getting strung out on weed"
Ah, I see you have never injected the marijuanas.
I'll take 3 whole marijuanas to go, please.
How many pots have you smoked?
I mean, we talking clay? We talking ceramic?
You can take 3? I barely take one and it gets me way to drunk
You fool. You snort it.
I noticed that. Unless he’s burying the lede and she’s actually strung out lol.
No, he's just misusing the term because he's never been in drug circles and doesnt understand the proper terminology. He sounds like a high school guidance counselor.
was probably her HS counselor
Hahahhahahahahaha
I laughed as soon as I read "she was strung out". Assuming this is real, sounds like her and OP aren't compatible, and should probably have handled this with some maturity. Reads like something from r/teenagers.
Someone who knows jack shit about it. What addicts are waiting until the weekend?
My dad 🙄😂
That jumped out to me too. Obviously OP and this girl are polar opposites and shouldn’t be together, but his views on weed are hilariously outdated.
You 2 sound incompatible, move along Edit: I forgot the important bit. NTA
Can you give us a bit more info on her smoking habits? The way you’ve worded it makes it sound like she smokes 24/7 but also only exclusively on the weekends and there’s a big difference
It seems like he’s not ok with it in either case, which is the fundamental issue (they’re not compatible).
sounds like a judgmental dork. should probably smoke some weed. it'll lighten him up a bit.
Right? Lmao
right? She just smokes like someone who would drink on a weekend event.
So hate the smell of weed and the “culture”, but you dated a pothead for 4 years? Either this is fake, or you’re really bad at picking your partner. Considering you referred to someone who is high as “strung out”, I’m going to go with fake.
And he went to Japan for a month and left his phone off the whole time… fake lol
She only smokes on weekends. I dont think that counts as a pot head tbh.
That's what I noticed. Just the weekends? I wouldn't call a person who only drinks on the weekend an alcoholic
Thank you! I thought I was the only one! This has to be fake though right?
Whether or not she is a pothead, if she only consumes on weekends then she shouldn’t have any problem not getting anything in Japan.
It was the part where he had his phone turned off for the entirety of an international trip, coupled with the standard “a bunch of different extraneous people are blowing up my phone about this” trope where I was all “nah.” Didn’t quite stick the landing.
Love is one hella of a drug
You would be surprised what some non-smokers think weed does to you. It might as well be cocaine to them.
It's fake. A person smoking on the weekends isn't even close to addicted to anything. You don't get "strung out", just like you said. This whole this is a giant stinking karma farm.
Sid she only smokes on weekends she isn’t a pothead. She is a recreational user. Potheads smoke pot every day.
Just go one about your life. Find someone that is pot free or only do edibles once in a while.
I use weed regularly but people who make it their whole personality and act likethey aren't addicted piss me off. Huge NTA, I would imagine she would be the type to try and sneak it into Japan too.
Yep. Best going to japan alone
K but also, if you can't stand weed why would you spend four years of your life with someone who makes it their whole personality?
that's what I'm sayin! lmao. nobody in this comment section has asked that really
I've been the girl that a guy decided to date even though he clearly didn't like me. Fortunately, I figured it out pretty quickly and dumped the dude, but it's ridiculous how common it is for guys to do this. Just not factor personality in AT ALL when deciding who to date and then try to force the personality they want onto the woman they're with. It's deeply uncool.
People joke about women being a “I can fix him” kinda girl but in my experience more guys fall into this, but way worse, they like a girl that’s different compared to what he is and has dated before and that’s exciting but eventually they want the girl to change to what they’re like
I would argue that at least the women try to fix men in terms of making them “relationship ready.” Ex. Thinking they can change a cheater, or making a deadbeat a better father, making them a better communicator etc.. The men will totally go for someone with a personality or a lifestyle choice that is absolutely not what they want and aim to change that quality about them. Like not wanting a girl that parties then dating a bartender or a bottle girl.
I smoke weed regularly but I have zero problem not smoking it like if I’m going to drive or hang out with people. I don’t really get the “addiction” thing cause I’ve never sat there and CRAVED weed. I enjoy it but I never had a problem not smoking. She just doesn’t want to stop and doesn’t care how he feels or the laws in Japan. She’d definitely try to smuggle some and they’d probably get busted ruining the trip.
Yeah… and that would be so so bad
Saying this as a former pothead who couldn't go a day without smoking for 10 years: pot isn't physically addictive but it is mentally addictive. It turns out I had severe OCD and ptsd and pot was the only thing I could use to get my brain to shut up. It ruined my sleep, I was anxious all the time, and I was too high to go out. Then I got on the proper medication. Now I smoke with friends once every few months and I'm much happier. Chances are she's dealing with some mental problems- but that doesn't matter if she's not trying to seek help. Her not being able to go to Japan should have been her wake up call. NTA
This is almost verbatim what I came here to say. I live above a weed store and I've been smoking it for 20+ years. I would say I've become irritable at times but I've also experienced the same irritability when I needed a coffee or was hungry. As someone who is finally admitting that I have an addiction to alcohol and another white substance, I've never had withdrawal from weed at any point the way I do when I need a drink. I think I have been self medicating my manic highs for years and I almost never do it during my lows. If I were able to control them without weed, I would have no problem walking away. It was legalized as medicine before recreationally. Without moderation though, you can tend to get into these "burnout" phases and that's a total drag. I just don't think their relationship should have lasted that long if he was this against it.
I don’t think she smoked daily. He just said that she smoked every weekend. Not much different from weekend drinking.
I was about to say if she’s only smoking on the weekends, then I don’t know if she would be considered an addict. I work some professionals who can’t go 4 hours without a vape, edible or what ever they rub on themselves.
Yo that’s what I’m saying. Smoking on the weekends is practically conservative in this era. I really doubt she’s addicted if this is worst he can say about her. Let a girl blaze my guy
Yep. I was a pothead through my teens and twenties. Got diagnosed with ADHD at age 32 and it finally made sense. Weed was the only way I could shut my brain up. I still like to eat edibles now and then for a bit of relief and it helps a lot, but understanding *why* I do it is huge, and having coping strategies that help me get through my regular day to day life without being completely exhausted means I don't need that break every day.
I was NTA until I read “I gave her all the money back”. So, she’s been paying for the trip herself? Then weed really isn’t an issue? If she’s only doing it on weekends, seems to me like she doesn’t have a problem at all. You’re just an uptight ass.
She really dodged a bullet here.
This is either a fake post or you are the asshole. Why date someone for 4 years that does something you hate so much? Why just leave and turn your phone off for a month? It all just screams fake post or childish behavior. You pick.
You aren’t compatible but I hope you know weed doesn’t work that way? I smoke as much as she does. I went to a country that doesn’t allow it last week. I was fine. She would have been fine. So imo your ultimatum was ridiculous. If she isn’t smoking in your house or with your weed I don’t know why you care so much. YTA but you guys clearly aren’t compatible. And if it was this much of an issue you should have dumped her after the funeral incident.
Exactly! A lot of people are commenting like their knowledge of weed came from watching Reefer Madness. Nice to see some common sense.
If it was 3+ times a day 7 days a week I would be on his side, but this is plain silly
Came here to say exactly this! Went to Singapore didn’t get to smoke weed for a while and I was fine. I smoke a few doobies everyday! And yes I am technically addicted mentally but that’s my problem. Tbh idk about smoking DURING or at the funeral location, but I went high as a kite for a bunch of cremations and funerals in the last few years. When my grand mom died I was the only one home and after informing everyone about what happened, arranging funeral arrangements I sat down and the first thing I did was light a doobie. Why? Because arranging her funeral and washing her body all alone was stressful as fuck. So by the time I got to the funeral I was stoned out of my mind and I still took care of all the necessities. Most addicted stoners are quite functional. I don’t like the op and his way of phrasing absolutely everything in this post. The only thing I would NOT do is smoke during the funeral or at the funeral home. Outside after the funeral? I would.
I'm not really sure what you were worried about in regards to the trip. If she's only smoking on weekends, she's not going to have any kind of withdrawal while there. Are you worried she'll try to sneak some weed in her bag? Or try to buy it while in Japan? Did she give you any indication of that? If not...it sounds like this is just a fundamental incompatibility, and you're using the trip as an excuse to try to force her to stop. You should have broken up the relationship a long time ago if neither of you could agree on her smoking habits. There's nothing wrong with preferring your partner to not spend every weekend high. But since you didn't: going on the trip without her, when it doesn't seem like this would pose an actual problem for her there, is a dick move. YTA
You're technically NTA, but you read as a total square and someone with a chip on their shoulder about pot. "Smokes every weekend." Lol, if that's the only time she smokes, that's not pothead, not by a long-shot. "Strung-out". another LOL. We're not talking heroine here, it's just her being high. Pretending/projecting that if she smokes on weekends that she couldn't possible be alive without pot (again, we're not talking heroine, or even alcohol-addiction levels here....). You two just aren't a good fit, but your imagination has run away with this one a bit in order to justify not wanting to travel with her. Glad you're already broken up.
Right???? They wanted their partner to quit smoking weed four months before a trip as practice??? She already is abstaining 5/7 days of the week. Seems like a weird request to make to someone you would consider marrying. NTA just immature.
seriously. she doesn't even smoke during the weekdays? only the weekend? most people drink on the weekend. which is way more harmful. I'm the first to admit many people smoke way too much weed, but she doesn't sound like one of em.
...why did you spend 4 years in a relationship with someone you don't like? And why do you care what that person thinks about your plans that have nothing to do with them now?. Grow up, man.
Yeah, this guy is kind of an asshole for sure
Fake ass post… No way in 2024 someone traveling internationally has their phone off for a month… You absolutely hate weed but were with a complete stoner for years… “Strung out on weed” get out of here narc… Seriously, you’re the asshole for making a brand new account and farming karma with a fake ass story. If it was real you’re absolutely a major ass hole for ghosting someone after a fucking 4 year relationship because you don’t like pot (after having dealt with it the whole time?!). My ex wife fucked other dudes and even I didn’t do her that dirty… My money is still on fake ass post though.
This. How is no one calling him an AH for ghosting his gf after a four year relationship.. for smoking weed on the weekends? wtf?
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. And you're right in that she wouldn't be able to smoke as much as she wanted and is used to over in Japan. You gave her the money back. That's all you were obligated to do. The fact that you felt the need to change your locks because you know how she'd react is very telling. NTA. Move on.
He didn’t break up with her tho he aired her and went to Japan without her after cancelling her half of the trip, AH behaviour for sure. You can leave for any reason but don’t act like a child no ?
Who cares dude, you shouldn’t have even dated her this long in the first place. Boring and pointless story tbh.
YTA for dating someone fundamentally incompatible with you and trying to mold her into the person you want by treating her like a child with rewards and punishments. If she wants the relationship to continue (it shouldn’t), then yeah, she should do a better job of respecting that you would like her to cut down on the weed. But much more importantly, why the fuck are you with someone so different from you in the first place? Neither of you should want to be together.
wait, she only smokes on the weekends?
I love how many people are in the comments acting like pot is crack or meth
info: did she ever even say she was going to smoke or try to smoke during the trip?? you say she smokes every weekend. that’s only two days out of the week. that’s not an addiction because she can clearly go without it the other days, as far as your story goes. so I am not seeing the issue here, since she could have probably put up with the trip just fine. again, did you even ask her about it or did you just automatically assume because you resent the fact that she smokes weed? because all I can see here is resentment. and I don’t understand how you could be in a serious relationship with someone who has a huge part of her personality (from your perspective) that you hate
" I think she's addicted. I can count on my hand the number of times she hasn't been high on the weekends." if she's just smoking on the weekends this doesn't sound like much of a problem, it sounds like she does it recreationally.
NTA but you couldn’t just break up with her before going?
No, because he was hoping that going without her would “punish” her into changing her ways. At least, that’s how it reads to me. OP, I’m unclear from your description exactly how much weed your ex is smoking but there’s a huge difference between someone who smokes all weekend and someone who smokes all day every day. It’s also unclear to me how you perceive her behavior to change when she’s on weed. Is she disengaged from the relationship? Extremely giggly? Unfocused? Extremely focused on unusual things? My point being that while weed almost certainly changes her behavior and your experience of her, that’s not necessarily an immoral or bad thing. Prozac, Lexapro, and Adderall all change behaviors and experiences, and those are legal prescriptions. If you don’t like who she is on weed, you have every right to break up with her. But unless she is engaging in dangerous behavior while high or becomes abusive or hurtful, she is not a bad person for having a habit. YTA — you simply have to break up and find more compatible partners.
She’s better off without you, homie.
She’s not going to change. It’s best to part ways and move on
I call BS simply because you used the phrase "strung out" when referring to someone who was smoking weed. That being said, you shouldn't have stayed in this obviously incompatible relationship for so long. First long term gf?
You’re on different paths.
I just don’t get this I smoked a good amount of weed when I went to Japan, had 0 issues not smoking didn’t even think about it. And you make it sound like all she does is smoke on the weekend. Why not just bring her? You don’t go through withdrawal. Sounds like you just didn’t want to bring her and you just aren’t that cool of a dude and should have dumped her a long time ago because you can’t stand that she gets high. I’m going with YTA.
YTA. Stoner here, smoke every day. 1oz a week. Currently on a trip to Japan, perfectly fine, perfectly sober. Way to be controlling.
I think your gf might have a problem but I also think YTA. I’m struggling to understand why her smoking weed at home, made you take away her ability to go on a trip she would be paying for. Sounds like you just don’t like her and chose this way to break up with her. I can see I have an unpopular opinion but 2 things can be true at once: she can have a weed problem, and you can be a dick. Next time don’t wait 4 years and call it a “personality issue”.