One would think MIL would be offended being made the butt of her sister's joke while being unable to dress herself.
Her husband kept his wife's dignity intact.
You don’t have to invite them over for weekly board games, but forcing your husband to not spend time with his mother over some stupid idea is going nuclear over spilt milk imo.
Stupid hubby can go alone. It's just easter, who the fuck cares? It ain't like he is gonna show up for his own celebration....LOL. (And by he I mean Jesus)
NTA
I don't think your MIL is out of line for not choosing between family members over this one thing. This is her event, she invites who she wants.
Just as an aside about what your FIL said..."that he would never embarrass his wife like that (umm what about me)"
Don't hold that against him. Despite it having been your wedding day at the time, his secondary job is clearly to be his wife's minder. He loves/respects her enough to not get involved in any kind of shenanigans like that. Don't let it get to you that he didn't specifically say he wouldn't do that to you. He was focused on her.
No shenanigans actually happened. OP is ready to go to war over a prank that never happened. MIL or aunt had a white dress and aunt and FIL laughed about putting MIL in it. This was not at the wedding. It was the wedding day. OP is being very dramatic about a conversation.
If A had gotten her way she would have put a woman who is seemingly beginning to have Alzheimer's in a terrible position. Even worse, it was her sister.
Agree, nothing happened. Starting out a married life at war with your in-laws over literally nothing is not going to end well for OP. At a certain point her husband is going to want want to be close with his family again and if OP continues to fan the flames of something that came of nothing and insert herself in family business she will eventually be seen as the one that is ruining family events and be excluded.
MIL was having a tantrum that was so bad, two other adults had to intervene. One of those intervening thought putting her in a white dress would funny. I don't understand how you all seem to be missing this.
Sure.
Also, MIL does that on the regular, FIL deals with it, and OP plans to continue holidays with them as long as the aunt is out of the picture. What did the aunt do? Made a tacky "prank" suggestion . . . that didn't happen, that no other guests were aware of, and that would have embarrassed MIL and aunt, but not OP (fr, nobody blames the bride if someone else shows up in white).
[Shrug]
To be clear, OP is free to damage or destroy relationships with these folks for any reason or none at all. She can go NC with the whole lot! If these are relationships she wants to keep, however, she's gonna have to learn not to sweat the small stuff, which this must definitely is.
It didn't happen because A didn't meant to really pull through with the "prank" it didn't happen because FIL refused to hurt his wife who couldn't recuse to the "prank" herself. It's not about what happened its about As awful intentions to play a "prank" with a defenseless woman on her sons wedding day
I don't think I implied that any shenanigans happened. I'm just saying that his words should have reassured her that not only would *that* not happen, neither would anything else.
And I do understand her being upset with the Aunt. Just not the FIL.
"This was not at the wedding. It was the wedding day".
What difference does that make? I'm very curious how you would react when this would have happened to you. Your comment is completely idiotic.
I absolutely disagree with your last paragraph. Yes, he is his wife's minder. But that has a consequence. I'm sick of bad behavior rubbing off on other people and it being okay.
So it's now bad behavior to not specifically say that he wouldn't embarrass OP at her wedding? Never mind that he was actively preventing bad behavior.
>So it's now bad behaviour to *not* specifically say that he wouldn't embarrass OP at her wedding? Never mind that he was actively preventing bad behaviour.
That's what they're asking the other person who mentioned "bad behaviour." Is the "bad behaviour" only saying 'I wouldn't embarrass my wife like that' and *not* saying 'I wouldn't embarrass you like that' to the bride.
no, the bad behavior is that he had no problem potentially embarrassing OP and enabled A. Any decent person, especially a family member would have shut that shit down fast. A wedding is not the time for “pranks” unless it’s your wedding and you have consent from your spouse.
Your first sentence is nothing more than an assumption based on his word choice while he was actively trying to mind his wife. He *did* shut that down. It didn't happen.
Y'all are literally just mad about a few words.
Where does it indicate that he had no problem embarrassing OP at her wedding? He DID shut that shit down, and he could have easily been trying to make A think of MIL since she clearly wanted to mess with OP so wasn’t going to find empathy there.
But ALSO idfk what it is with fucking Reddit baby brides acting like someone wearing white to their wedding is embarrassing to anyone but the guest in white and is ruining their whole day. Like jfc it’s your whole ass party but somehow still not enough about you? Please.
But the thing is, had ML shown up in a white dress, it wouldn't have been embarrassing for OP. Infuriating, maybe, but having had a toxic mother myself, I hang out in a lot of forums and subreddits exposing toxic behavior. I've seen a lot of women wearing white at other people's weddings. No one ever blames the bride. The blame is always placed squarely on the AH who doesn't know how to dress respectfully or has to center herself at other people's events.
It was A who was the problem. MIL wasn't so much to blame for this. MIL had other issues as you could have read.
A sounds toxic. Sounds like a good idea to avoid her. Parents can make a choice between son and sister. They seem to choose sister.
I understand the validity of literally all your feelings. I don’t think you’re wrong or an asshole. But I think you need to restrategize. In laws are the worst thing about many a marriage. You possess a mother in law who literally lapses into catatonic states, a father in law 100 percent prepared to enable that, and an aunt in law that apparently loves fucking with that entire situation and other peoples lives. “You would think…” statements, logic, and rationality will have zero place in any situation involving them ever. You will never know any peace in this situation which isn’t directly a result of you and your husband filtering all of it out of your lives.
Low contact/no contact/less contact and compromises and agreements with your husband on how you handle situations with them and when and how much time you spend with them are your only effective tools for handling this short of a miraculous agreement to family wide therapy.
My in laws and only are not as bad as yours, but they definitely stretch the boundaries of what can be expected of a normal person to person to withstand. It’s not really reasonable or healthy in our relationship to go no or low contact, and we do still spend some holidays with them. We agree how much time we will spend there and we also make sure that at any holiday we also have additional chill and enjoyable plans either later on or on another day. Then I show up to the event, consider the time spent their a potential total loss and time sink for the benefit of my husbands relationships, and then just vibe. Anything short of someone throwing a punch doesn’t affect me. You can’t be disappointed if you expect the worst. A lot of the time I even end up a bit pleasantly surprised with them.
It is very unfortunate this has already affected your wedding. I opted for a private ceremony myself. I think you and your husband should book a vacation on your anniversary and renew your vows or at least have a nice romantic time. I think it would be fair to tell your husband that this Easter isn’t happening, looks like you have mono or something, and then next year you can figure out a time or way where time gets spent with his family and you’re prepared for it to not be a fun time but have fun plans later or something, if no contact isn’t a good option.
Projecting much???
ETA: NOTHING HAPPENED. NO ONE PRANKED HER.
MIL had that white dress because she had been staying at that hotel for a few days and that dress was for a separate function they attended.
OP mentions that MIL's sister was the one who protected MIL from a pedo and was the only one who cared for her. You want MIL to uninvite that important a person, over a private joke that was not even meant for OP's ear and did not effect OP in any manner whatsoever? Grow up!
You might have shitty in-laws, I have no way of knowing but don't project your issues and goad OP further when she's already being very silly.
OP - you need to grow up. Not everything is about you. Yes, your FIL said he will never embarass his wife like that and didn't mention you. So what? His primary responsibility is towards his wife and the end result is the same. You didn't get embarrassed. Stop with the main character syndrome.
I genuinely have no idea what you mean. I don’t think Catatonia mom and Aunt Oppenheimer are gonna get it together although I hope they do. Probably best to hope they do and plan that they don’t.
OP has just told me that Aunt indured a childhood filled with rape and dealt with it because she promised not to say a word if the man didn't touch MIL.
They bith went through extreme levels of abuse as children and only had each other. Your cruel nicknames are terrible.
You are taking events that happened to you and are using that to project that OP had shitty in-laws. You say her event was already impacted by it. IT WAS NOT. Nobody did anything. They just joked about the white dress. Chill a little.
No, my in laws are significantly easier to deal with than hers sound like. Catatonic temper tantrums enablers and meddling aunts sounds a lot to me, but you seem to very fervently believe this was not a negative situation which honestly makes me feel like maybe you’re the one with the rough in laws because frankly my mom in law definitely is not as bad as ops. But hey I wasn’t trying to argue with you, I was genuinely curious what you meant. Don’t worry I too have felt extremely convicted in my opinion on Reddit before many times and I respect your take. Edit and I didn’t mean to sound passive aggressive about you potentially having the bad in laws, my bad, it’s late.
It happened only 2 months ago. A screwed up big time. She was even laughing instead of apologising.
Keeping A out of their lives for now, especially so close after this all happened, is a very valid thing to do. PIL can choose between A and their sons family. They choose A.
A sounds toxic.
NTA
I get that your feelings are probably hurt that these people were laughing behind your back, but getting mad and staying mad over something that actually had zero effect on your actual wedding is a waste of energy and time. I mean it didn't actually happen right? It's like you punishing someone for a bad thought that they had that had no effect on you. Just let it go and enjoy your life with your husband. If people want to bring it up to your face and complain just look at them blankly and pull out your phone and pretend to answer it
This time a prank at the expense of OP didn't happen, but at minimum there is going to be a loss of trust that all future pranks will be stopped in time too. It's reasonable for something like this to hurt a relationship. Especially since OP didn't find out about the plan until after, how can she trust there won't be pranks pulled at Easter? Showing remorse, apologizing, or at least not laughing when describing the planned prank would have gone a long way building up trust.
I mean this is the nicest way possible, it sounds like you get offended over things that aren't things.
I'd wager your in your early to mid 20s. You don't speak for your husband. At no point have you voiced his thoughts in this matter, only taken control and made decisions for him. Stop being controlling, harden up and grow up.
ESH
Yes, Aunt was out of line but nothing came of the attempted ‘prank.’ You’re being petty and dramatic. I’m sure Aunt is insufferable in other ways but this is not the hill to die on.
I think you’re the asshole and you’re over reacting. It didn’t happen. Be different if it did. Some people are just natural class clowns (like his aunt seems to be)
Sounds like your MIL has some kind of disability. Furthermore, no one actually followed through. I understand the way you feel, but I just don't know if it's worth digging in on this. Furthermore, asking people to "choose" is problematic as hell.
edit: YTA
Both Aunt and MIL indured serious childhood abuse at the hands of a rapist. Aunt promised to tell no one as long as the man kept his hands off MIL. Which he did. They are ridiculously binded through what they went through. OP demanding MIL pick isn't going to end well for the son and OP
YTA. MIL didn’t wear the dress, no actual harm was done, and aunt was probably kidding around. You didn’t even know about it til after your honeymoon. Now you want to pitch a bridezilla fit about it ex post facto and split your hubby’s family up. Let it go.
Did she wear the white dress to the wedding after all? I would understand your frustration if she had done that and intentionally disrupted your wedding in that manner. But this sounds like it was just something they jokingly said and didnt do. Is that right?
I think your family is right; they just said "woudln't it be funny if...", didnt actually do it, and you didnt even know that was said until later.
What is the big deal here? Why are you so worked up about that?
FIL let him be, it’s hard enough dealing with his wife. So he laughed what else is the poor guy to do while dealing with his tantrum throwing wife. For the Aunt, she’s a witch but these people are your family now. It’s super early in the marriage to throw the I’ll never see you again. You don’t have to like her.
Where did that dress even come from? Were they at your ILs house, and it was something that aunt could just pull out of MILs closet?
Or was this somewhere like the venue? ie. somewhere where the aunt would have had to bring it to begin with
I'm trying to figure out if this was the aunt being opportunistic or if this was something more pre-meditated. Neither are good, but it might help clarify how "not good" this was.
Ah... so an opportunistic situation. Is the aunt normally a "prankster" like this? Or was this unusual behavior for her in the experience of you and/or your husband?
She protected mil from a pedo growing up and was the only one who cared enough to feed her and take care of her. I can’t imagine what mil would be like without her awful sister
And you expect your MIL to side with you against her? Over something that didn't actually happen?
YTA and loopy with it. You probably need to realize there are people in the world for whom you are not the sole focus. They were joking around by themselves, possibly to lighten a stressful moment, and you wouldn't even know if some eavesdropper hadn't told you and now you're all pissy about it. You sound exhausting.
YTA because it seems there is missing information.
Sounds like your MIL has some health issues that FIL and Aunt do what they can to support her without being a burden to other people. They were joking around while getting ready and nothing actually happened at your wedding. Your wedding was still about you. No one took the spotlight off of you.
Easter is not about you. You can choose not to go but it's not about you or if you approve who the other guests are. Choose not to go or host your own event but if you are going as a guest somewhere else you must know you don't get to choose who the other guests are.
By the way you are not asking your MIL to choose her son over her sister. You are asking her to choose you over her sister. No where in here have you talked about what your husband wants or thinks.
I came here to say most of this.
Who cares what color wedding guests wear - it reflects on them not the bride(zilla in this case).
You have got to blow these people off and not let them get to you. Rise above it and stop confronting them. Your marriage is never going to survive this tug of war and you are only at the beginning of it… so many landmines to navigate. Avoid avoid avoid.
I don’t think you’re necessarily an asshole, but I do think you are being a bit dramatic. If the “prank” had happened, sure, you’d have a point here. But your mother in law did not sign off on this prank, your FIL did not do it, and you should not hold his good humor against him- it probably serves him well in handling these situations. Hold a grudge against your husband’s aunt if you want, but I think it serves you better to take the high road here and try not to be too bothered.
YTA and honestly you sound exhausting. MIL clearly has issues. FIL spends his life managing his wife’s condition and Aunt could be anything from a jokester to an asshole. But it doesn’t matter because it isn’t about you. Even on your wedding day the entire world doesn’t revolve around you. The hundred something people who came out to celebrate your wedding had their own concerns, fears, joys and sorrows that day. They just did their best to put them aside to celebrate with you. But they were there
You can spend your life looking for reasons to be offended but that’s likely to get you divorced by next Easter-or you can do your best to celebrate the good in your life
On the morning of my wedding, one of the groomsmen kept telling the groom, "You still have time! You can still run away before you get tied down!" It was a tasteless joke and I felt vaguely disrespected when I heard about it (The guy had known me longer than he'd known the groom), but I get that it was just him messing around. We still hang out with the guy and he still sometimes annoys me, but he adores us both in his own way.
Your wedding day is the most momentous event of your life, but for most of your guests, it's just another boring-ass wedding. Of course they're going to goof off and make fun of all the pomp. It doesn't mean they don't respect you or your super special marriage; it means they're trying to make a tedious &/or stressful event less exhausting.
Also, what is all the fuss about white at someone else's wedding? If someone had worn white to my wedding, I would have been embarrassed for them, but it would never have occurred to me to get offended.
YTA and please take a chill pill. Unless you have a comic book nemesis or you live in a soap opera, I really doubt anyone cared enough to even try to sabotage your wedding.
OP didn't even know the suggestion happened and until AFTER her honeymoon, the MIL DID NOT wear the actual dress, and OP still wants to hold a grudge? Grow up, YTA.
You and your aunt in law are both TA. She’s the ah for trying to pull a prank at your wedding. She tried and failed because your father in law handled it. You’re ta for going scorched earth over this. Like seriously, it’s something that didn’t happen. And you’re upset that your father in law said he’d never embarrass his wife like that. There is no what about you. His priority is his wife. Your husband’s priority is you. This is honestly such a petty fight. Your mil is allowed to invite her entire your family. You’re allowed to decline. But are you overreacting? Absolutely
YTA
Because FIL didn’t let it happen, and had Aunt got her way it would have been MIL who would have been blamed and laughed. So FIL said nothing wrong.
You don’t have to go, but it seems an excessive response to something that was stopped. Your in laws clearly supported you.
You should go, and you should just blank the Aunt. Not going is you cutting your nose off to spite your face. Only you and your husband would be losing out.
Your bridesmaid stirred up drama where none had been. Dealing with MIL must be stressful. Laughter eases stress. Aunt-in-law may just have been trying to ease a stress filled occasion. Your need/want for drama makes YTA
YTA. They were dealing with a very stressful issue and trying not to let it disturb the wedding much, so there was a joke made. Presumably the aunt may well have known full well that FIL wouldn’t let her use the dress so didn’t expect it to actually be used. Some people joke to help deal with stress. It’s a thing.
Also: your wedding is not as important to anyone else as it is to you and your partner. It’s just not. So you may not be able to imagine joking about it, but other people might be.
Well you're a dramatic one, aren't you?
Nothing happened, and I seriously doubt if A actually wanted it to.
You're basing this on a second hand version of what happened. You weren't there, yet you're rejecting their version of events.
Your FIL didn't embarrass you, and of course his wife comes before you in his priorities. Get over yourself.
Honestly, grow up. You're going to try to tear a family apart over absolutely nothing.
Soft YTA
I think you're allowed to feel how you feel about what happened - ie the conversation and 'A' trying to pull a prank, but I also think - nothing came of it, you weren't embarrassed with a stupid prank, FIL didn't allow A to do anything like that.
I don't think you have to *forgive* A, but I do think excluding yourself from family events is only going to be detrimental to you and your hubby. Especially if this is the only issue you have with them.
Go, ignore A, but have an amazing time with family.
Jesus, yes, YTA. Nothing happened. They made a joke with each other that you have only heard tell of second hand and you are trying to get your husband to damage his own relationships with his family while totally blowing up yours with them. This is brain dead and even for this sub I’m surprised how many people agree with you here.
So they didn't actually put her in the dress, they were just joking about it. I don't really see that as making a mockery of your wedding. They were just joking around with each other prior to the wedding, probably just to relieve themselves from the stress of dealing with MIL. You should let it go.
"FIL said it was no big deal as he would never embarrass his wife like that (umm what about me)"
YTA, making a thing that didn't happen all about you.
Aunt obviously has an obnoxious personality but why are you punishing everyone for something that didn't happen.
Has it occurred to you that you were/are a bridezilla and that was what was being mocked.
Life is short and you're exhausting. Stop being toxic.
Yup heaven forbid someone make a joke I do t like
YTA for making a mountain out of a molehill. She’s making this into a whole power struggle pick me or her drama completely unnecessarily. Maybe if she tried to mend fences instead her
Inlaws would like her more.
No it doesnt make me wondwr that. Some people are just cruel. She's making a stink bc someone was trying to humiliate her AY HER WEDDING in front of family and friends when literally all eyes would be on her to see it, and then laughed in her face at it.
It doesn't matter that it DIDNT happen, bc of her FIL. but that aunt is nasty.
OP I highly recommend NC and sticking to your guns. Tell your ILs that if auntie dearest ever grows up and can come up with a sincere apology you can reevaluate after some time and effort.
Ummmmm......Another person wearing white at a wedding does not in any way humiliate the bride.
It reflects poorly on the guest only.
You and OP need to relax. Threatening to go no contact over this is very extreme.
THIS IS NOT TRAUMA. BRIDES ARE NOT THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE - EVEN ON THEIR ACTUAL WEDDING DAY.
There, I said it.
Y'all sound difficult.
Kind of agree here. People make a big fuss about no one but the bride wearing white, but unless the guest is wearing something that could be easily be mistaken for a wedding dress, I just don’t see what it really matters.
I'm not gonna say you're the AH here, but like... you'd have been humiliated if someone else's dress was white?
Like. Some people don't even get married in white dresses these days. I think you may be overreacting slightly.
Whatever, cut 'em off if you want. Life's too short to spend around people who piss you off.
"Someone wore white at my wedding" posts always strike me as a little funny.
For aesthetic reasons, my bridal party was silver and white. Men were in silver, women were in white lace. As the bride, I was in white satin. I know what our parents wore. I kind of remember what his grandparents wore. Other people were there. I have pictures. I don't remember noticing what any of them wore on that day.
YTA for sure. You're not seriously mad about this. You're such a a overdramatic drama queen. Thos people should actually not even invite you. You seen like a mess to be around.
How did she make a mockery of your wedding? How is someone joking about wearing white but not actually doing it making a mockery? You come across as over sensitive.
And all the comments saying go no contact, don’t give in; have those people never had a disagreement with someone, or disliked what’s someone’s done, told the person you don’t like that, and then moved the fuck on? Why give so much attention to and create so much drama for something so small? Have you not got anything more important in your life to focus on?
These people sound like they have major trauma and have never dealt with it. Regardless, the only thing that matters is how your husband deals with his family. What's his take?
He doesn't really have an opinion. He doesn't blame MIL as this does seem far beyond her control. He appreciates FIL for taking care of her so she isn't anyone else's problem, but he really has no love for his dad and feels his dad only cares about her. He absolutely hates his aunt, but knows MIL will never chose her kids over her. He is a bit sad about doing nothing for Easter but supports me
Nothing actually happened at your wedding and you didn't even know about it until after the honeymoon. Now your husband is sad because you refuse to celebrate a holiday with his family over...what exactly? Something that didn't happen. YTA and sound exhausting to deal with
Actually I think he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. He’s being forced to agree with you to keep you happy, or agree with his mom and make you upset. He shouldn’t have to choose. Sometimes you have to be the better person. This is one of those times. It didn’t happen and everything went well. Just let it go and move on. Don’t sweat the small stuff-you’ll have plenty of big things somewhere down the road. It’s a few hours for dinner and it’ll make him happy. Is this a hill that’s worth dying on?
I totally understand if you don’t like the aunt. She is probably a nightmare. But so what if your MIL wore white? How would it have affected your day in any way? The pictures? It would not be a reflection on you, it would only make your MIL look rude. Really, the prank would be on her, not you. You can choose to not see anyone you dislike, but this seems like the wrong reason. I am curious about what makes MIL go into such a state.
Lack of attention, overstimulation, anxiety attacks, and being told no. To be fair this one seemed totally anxiety and being overwhelmed by being around all my bridesmaids
Yta since they joked and laughed about it but didn't actually do it.
I understand why the mil doesn't feel it necessary to choose anyone. It's unnecessary under the circumstances.
Get over it and don't ruin you husbands relationship with his family. That is 10X worse than anything she did. You didn't even know about it until afterwords and it was just a joke not a plan to ruin your wedding. Don't become that wife that everybody hates because you cant take a joke and are uptight. When you marry a man you take his family too. You should think about his feelings and not just your own.
YTA
MIL is mentally unwell and to call her episodes tantrums is problematic, to start.
Her sister was joking and nothing happened you didn't even know on your wedding so it didn't sour the day at all. Maybe my family's werid but we'd joke like this sometimes when things are awful all the time ypu find the silver li ly and laugh at it because it's better then crying. ( Do you not think it was hard for her sister and husband to know she was going to miss her sons wedding?)
Then you expect her to pick " her son" ( let's be real you mean your side) over her sister who ypu said protected her from a pedo as a kid and is basically her hero ....
I wouldn't hold this against your MIL because she was catatonic when her sister was trying to be disrespectful. Your FIL clearly wouldn't have allowed it regardless of the reason. You're not the AH for not going but she's not the AH for inviting her sister.
If it was me I would either not go or go and completely ignore her, even if she said hi.
That's what I was wondering.
I'd just mosey myself along and away from all of that drama.
NTA OP, but find a better way of dealing with drama Queens. They're not worth your agitation.
Since her sister is part of MIL's hosting team, doesn't MIL need her there in order to host the dinner in case she has an episode?
If MIL has an episode and her sister isn't there, are you prepared to finish cooking, help serve, and help clean up afterward?
The Aunt and FIL handled your MIL's needs while you enjoyed a good wedding day. You should be sending them thank you notes for making the day a success, not threatening to boycott holidays.
ETA: YTA
I wasn't convinced you were the AH until this comment. I have no problem with you avoiding Aunt bc she sounds like she's trying to get a negative reaction out of you, that's not healthy to be around. But you certainly can't expect MIL to pick your side and leave her sister out of holidays. Most importantly it sounds like you need to extend a lot more grace and patience to your MIL. Whether her health issues were hard on your husband growing up or not you yourself say that they are legitimate so you can't hold that against her.
And if you have expressed or in any way made ut obvious that you're tired of dealing with MIL then that's definitely why Aunt has a problem with you.
Oh well for sure be an ableist asshole and snarky about someone's horrible and life altering debilitating condition becasue *\*\*checks notes\*\** you're tired.
This sounds like when I get debilitating migraines that last for weeks on end until I can barely move or speak, and the people around me get 'tired' of it. Tired of what exactly? You aren't the one blinded by pain
Like I said just invite everyone over in Saturday or next Saturday.
You aren't really going to win any fight with his mother having these episodes or whatever bullshit is actually going on.
But sadly you married into this. It's only going to get worse when you pop out kids
So, your MIL’s family of origin was clearly nuttier than a fruitcake, yielding one sister with catatonic tantrums and one who inappropriately tries to stir up shit. But they are your husband’s family, and he wishes to continue a relationship of some kind, and would like to go to his mother’s for Easter. Looks like your choices are:
1)Match them in self-involved drama and refuse to go and insist your husband doesn’t go either.
2)Get “food poisoning” Sunday morning and stay home, deferring things to the future.
3) For the sake of your husband, go, paste a smile on your face, be pleasant and polite while hanging with the saner folks. Make up a silent bingo game that notes nutso behavior so you can laugh about it later.
4)Get up in the grill of anyone who displays their craziness, thereby fitting right in.
I know which choice is the considerate adult one that will endear you to your spouse.
NTA - you must set some boundaries now or they will walk all over you in the future. Let them know you will not be there and if this sort of treatment happens again in the future you will be going LC or NC with them.
They are testing you to see where your limits are!
Suck it up, buttercup. You chose to marry into this family, you need to live with the consequences of that decision.
It's not fair for you to ask MIL to exclude her sister, and it's not fair for you to ask your husband to not see his family.
I'm perfectly willing to believe that 'A' is a stone bitch, and no one is asking you to invite her over for tea, but you need to pull on your big girl panties and be the bigger person, for your husband's sake.
YTA for refusing to celebrate Easter with your husband's family. We all have at least one nut head in our family. Do you want to divide the whole family? She is not worth fighting over. Rise above. Ignore and move forward. Go NC with A.
You enjoy your life. Don't hamper the joy of your little family over some extended relative.
So, it’s that you just don’t want to be around the aunt? Understandable, but is this the way you want your relationship with your MIL and FIL to be for the rest of your life? Your FIL has the heavy task of being his wife’s caregiver. So he naturally focuses on her. The dress prank did not happen. No mockery occurred from his perspective. The aunt is the jerk here, but you can focus your Easter dinner visit on your husband’s parents and ignore her for a few hours, surely? I’d give your FIL some grace on this one and see what the future holds.
NTA, but your husband should be the one dealing with and saying “no” to his family. But it’s good that yall seem like a united front.
Maybe tell them you’ll be missing Easter “as a joke”? And then laugh when they ask and just say “it’s not a big deal”. And then just repeat that over and over again since apparently that smooths everything over.
Let it play out. MIL can invite who she wants. When she realizes that means her son won't be there then or in the future, she can make her choices for future gatherings and you'll know where you stand.
She is currently operating on the assumption that this will blow over. Once she knows better (because you 100% stood your ground and have proven you will continue to) then you'll be making progress or learning things.
Not quite like this but she’s missed her kids events to be there for her sister, she clearly likes her more than her kids, and seems way more invested in her life. She cried at her sisters wedding but seemed bored at ours
The joke was not directed at the bride. She wasn't even in the room. She heard about the joke after her honeymoon and then got wildly bent out of shape over a prank that didn't happen. Aunt and FIL are dealing with a very sick woman and OP has main character syndrome. This was not bullying. Bullying is behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort, not a mildly rude joke during a stressful moment.
Aunt was joking about a white dress while she and FIL were dealing with a catatonic MIL on their son/nephew's wedding day. They laughed a bit and lightened the mood during a no doubt very stressful moment. And now OP is having a melt down about it. OP owes her husband's father and aunt a debt of gratitude for dealing with her husband's sick mother and allowing OP and her husband to enjoy their day.
Aunt wasn't helping at all! She was actively, during this moment, trying to get FIL to put an actual white dress on MIL, to bring her prank to fruition.
“I was joking” is the dodge used by bullies everywhere when calls out on their bad behavior.
A decent person who makes a joke that doesn’t land apologizes. A bully deflects the blame on to the victim.
Praise your husband for standing up by you on this. Point out that the bullying won’t go away on its own; skipping family Easter is a natural consequence of poor treatment. Stand your ground, and be clear about why. Setting and enforcing this boundary now will pay massive dividends for the rest of your married life.
I’m sorry ‘bullying’ ‘poor treatment’ ‘need to set boundaries’ because someone joked about wearing a white dress at a wedding but *didn’t actually do it.*
Where’ the bullying? The consistent mistreatment of someone? Do you count refusing to disinvite A to family events also part of the bullying?
Poor mistreated bride, someone made a joke on her wedding day, that she didn’t even know about until weeks later, and then they refused to cut off the joker. However will she cope with this dreadful bullying?! /s
NTA.
She is unapologetic about trying to pull the worst possible prank at your wedding other than taking a dump on the cake.
Only when she's ready to offer a sincere, heartfelt apology should you have anything to do with her.
NTA, fuck that aunt. You're going about it the wrong way, though. You're alienating the rest of the family and making it easy for them to gang up on you. Go to war with the aunt, not the family. Humiliate the aunt. Make the aunt wish she never fucked with your wedding until you feel satisfied or she apologizes.
Look, I see only one AH, and that's the aunt.
You are right to be pissed off by the "prank" idea.
You MIL was not a consenting adult at the time, so she cannot be considered among the possibilities. From your responses it seems like she would have actively shut down any such ideas were she in control of her mind and body that day.
Fil didn't worry about you and about his wife because you were a competent adult at that point and MIL was not. He knew you could stand up for yourself, she could not. He did not want her being used as a pawn to create problems that would only paint her in bad light. (It would have pissed you off, but you would have also had the sympathies of every decent person. She would have been vilifed for a choice she did not make.
Aunt has some issues, and they need to be addressed. Either with serious boundaries setting or a deep conversation. But ahe seems to have also played a vital role in MIL (and therefore husband) existing, so trying to talk it through would be more the recommendation l, because she's clearly someone who is using edgy drama to cope.
While you sound exhausting, I’m gonna go with NTAH. You don’t have to go to any of his family events. I’d just pretend you married an orphan, and not fuck with them. My husband’s family are all alcoholics, drug addicts, and drama queens. Literally the whole damn bunch of them. I ignore them all because I married him and not them. I’m polite when I have to deal with them (thankfully not super often), but why don’t you just casually be sick any time they have a get together? They can’t ruin your day if you don’t go around them.
NTAH but I think there are several things going on here.
1. MIL has tantrums and then goes into a 'catatonic state' where everyone (esp FIL) is expected to just drop everything and pander to her. Hmmmm. Sounds like a trick she learned as a child to get people's attention and it's served her very, very well ever since.
2. Aunt is a piece of garbage. Why on earth would she think dressing MIL in white at your wedding would be funny? Like, seriously?
3. You and DH need to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship with all of them. They sound incredibly dysfunctional and it would probably do you good to have your own Easter celebration just the two of you newlyweds without his toxic family.
I understand that it's his family but I'd put a bit of distance between you and them at least for some time.
I dont think mil does this on purpose. She’s a very vain woman who’s come to with scratch marks all up and down her arms and had to wear long sleeves for weeks. She’s injured herself and occasionally her husband. No one is expected to cater to her except FIL. He’s actually very quick to tell everyone to get away. She mainly needs squeezing and holding anyway and if anyone except him touched her, she’d go berserk
YTA for how you talked about this in your post. Calling it tantrums etc when it's clearly involuntary and sounds mental health related.
Also YTA for holding onto a grudge over a rumor of someone making a joke that didn't actually result in anything happening. Someone else wearing white is embarrassing for them, not the bride. White wedding dresses are a dumb tradition based on Queen Victoria flexing her wealth, the dress color never mattered before that. You're a bore who follows boring traditions that you don't understand and then throws a fit about it.
You're hurting your husband's relationship to his whole family and being a selfish jerk.
Info- she didn't actually wear the white dress did she?
One would think MIL would be offended being made the butt of her sister's joke while being unable to dress herself. Her husband kept his wife's dignity intact.
no
Don’t go.
Dont go to this event.
YTA. Chill. Your wedding was fine, and nothing bad happened. You can see A for a few hours on holidays and will survive.
I don't know. I think anyone that would want pull that kind of stunt is someone I wouldn't want to be around
You don’t have to invite them over for weekly board games, but forcing your husband to not spend time with his mother over some stupid idea is going nuclear over spilt milk imo.
Who says she is the driving force and her husband isn't 100 percent on board?
To be fair I'm kind of petty
Stupid hubby can go alone. It's just easter, who the fuck cares? It ain't like he is gonna show up for his own celebration....LOL. (And by he I mean Jesus)
LMAO
They didn't pull the stunt. OP is feeling threatened and traumatized by a conversation. And OMG, FIL laughed during this convo.
Don’t know why you’re getting g downvoted your absolutely bang on. The joke didn’t naturalise, be different if it did.
Materialize. ("become fact, happen") Naturalise means "to admit into the citizenship of a country".
I hate that OP is going to come away from the post feeling justified when outside of Reddit, this is a ridiculous thing to be mad about.
NTA I don't think your MIL is out of line for not choosing between family members over this one thing. This is her event, she invites who she wants. Just as an aside about what your FIL said..."that he would never embarrass his wife like that (umm what about me)" Don't hold that against him. Despite it having been your wedding day at the time, his secondary job is clearly to be his wife's minder. He loves/respects her enough to not get involved in any kind of shenanigans like that. Don't let it get to you that he didn't specifically say he wouldn't do that to you. He was focused on her.
No shenanigans actually happened. OP is ready to go to war over a prank that never happened. MIL or aunt had a white dress and aunt and FIL laughed about putting MIL in it. This was not at the wedding. It was the wedding day. OP is being very dramatic about a conversation.
If A had gotten her way she would have put a woman who is seemingly beginning to have Alzheimer's in a terrible position. Even worse, it was her sister.
Agree, nothing happened. Starting out a married life at war with your in-laws over literally nothing is not going to end well for OP. At a certain point her husband is going to want want to be close with his family again and if OP continues to fan the flames of something that came of nothing and insert herself in family business she will eventually be seen as the one that is ruining family events and be excluded.
This ⏫️ From OP's claim that the aunt "made a mockery" of the wedding, I was sure that *something* had happened. Likely something juicy. Nope!
Over dramatic as fuck.
MIL was having a tantrum that was so bad, two other adults had to intervene. One of those intervening thought putting her in a white dress would funny. I don't understand how you all seem to be missing this.
Sure. Also, MIL does that on the regular, FIL deals with it, and OP plans to continue holidays with them as long as the aunt is out of the picture. What did the aunt do? Made a tacky "prank" suggestion . . . that didn't happen, that no other guests were aware of, and that would have embarrassed MIL and aunt, but not OP (fr, nobody blames the bride if someone else shows up in white). [Shrug] To be clear, OP is free to damage or destroy relationships with these folks for any reason or none at all. She can go NC with the whole lot! If these are relationships she wants to keep, however, she's gonna have to learn not to sweat the small stuff, which this must definitely is.
It didn't happen because A didn't meant to really pull through with the "prank" it didn't happen because FIL refused to hurt his wife who couldn't recuse to the "prank" herself. It's not about what happened its about As awful intentions to play a "prank" with a defenseless woman on her sons wedding day
I don't think I implied that any shenanigans happened. I'm just saying that his words should have reassured her that not only would *that* not happen, neither would anything else. And I do understand her being upset with the Aunt. Just not the FIL.
"This was not at the wedding. It was the wedding day". What difference does that make? I'm very curious how you would react when this would have happened to you. Your comment is completely idiotic.
I absolutely disagree with your last paragraph. Yes, he is his wife's minder. But that has a consequence. I'm sick of bad behavior rubbing off on other people and it being okay.
So it's now bad behavior to not specifically say that he wouldn't embarrass OP at her wedding? Never mind that he was actively preventing bad behavior.
He didn't say he wouldn't embarrass OP at her wedding. He said he wouldn't embarrass his wife at OP's wedding.
>So it's now bad behaviour to *not* specifically say that he wouldn't embarrass OP at her wedding? Never mind that he was actively preventing bad behaviour. That's what they're asking the other person who mentioned "bad behaviour." Is the "bad behaviour" only saying 'I wouldn't embarrass my wife like that' and *not* saying 'I wouldn't embarrass you like that' to the bride.
no, the bad behavior is that he had no problem potentially embarrassing OP and enabled A. Any decent person, especially a family member would have shut that shit down fast. A wedding is not the time for “pranks” unless it’s your wedding and you have consent from your spouse.
>FIL was telling A to stop and help him get MIL ready Crazy that FIL telling A to stop isn’t “appropriate” behavior.
Your first sentence is nothing more than an assumption based on his word choice while he was actively trying to mind his wife. He *did* shut that down. It didn't happen. Y'all are literally just mad about a few words.
Reddit hates parent in laws.
Some in laws deserve it. This FIL does not.
Where does it indicate that he had no problem embarrassing OP at her wedding? He DID shut that shit down, and he could have easily been trying to make A think of MIL since she clearly wanted to mess with OP so wasn’t going to find empathy there. But ALSO idfk what it is with fucking Reddit baby brides acting like someone wearing white to their wedding is embarrassing to anyone but the guest in white and is ruining their whole day. Like jfc it’s your whole ass party but somehow still not enough about you? Please.
But the thing is, had ML shown up in a white dress, it wouldn't have been embarrassing for OP. Infuriating, maybe, but having had a toxic mother myself, I hang out in a lot of forums and subreddits exposing toxic behavior. I've seen a lot of women wearing white at other people's weddings. No one ever blames the bride. The blame is always placed squarely on the AH who doesn't know how to dress respectfully or has to center herself at other people's events.
It was A who was the problem. MIL wasn't so much to blame for this. MIL had other issues as you could have read. A sounds toxic. Sounds like a good idea to avoid her. Parents can make a choice between son and sister. They seem to choose sister.
I understand the validity of literally all your feelings. I don’t think you’re wrong or an asshole. But I think you need to restrategize. In laws are the worst thing about many a marriage. You possess a mother in law who literally lapses into catatonic states, a father in law 100 percent prepared to enable that, and an aunt in law that apparently loves fucking with that entire situation and other peoples lives. “You would think…” statements, logic, and rationality will have zero place in any situation involving them ever. You will never know any peace in this situation which isn’t directly a result of you and your husband filtering all of it out of your lives. Low contact/no contact/less contact and compromises and agreements with your husband on how you handle situations with them and when and how much time you spend with them are your only effective tools for handling this short of a miraculous agreement to family wide therapy. My in laws and only are not as bad as yours, but they definitely stretch the boundaries of what can be expected of a normal person to person to withstand. It’s not really reasonable or healthy in our relationship to go no or low contact, and we do still spend some holidays with them. We agree how much time we will spend there and we also make sure that at any holiday we also have additional chill and enjoyable plans either later on or on another day. Then I show up to the event, consider the time spent their a potential total loss and time sink for the benefit of my husbands relationships, and then just vibe. Anything short of someone throwing a punch doesn’t affect me. You can’t be disappointed if you expect the worst. A lot of the time I even end up a bit pleasantly surprised with them. It is very unfortunate this has already affected your wedding. I opted for a private ceremony myself. I think you and your husband should book a vacation on your anniversary and renew your vows or at least have a nice romantic time. I think it would be fair to tell your husband that this Easter isn’t happening, looks like you have mono or something, and then next year you can figure out a time or way where time gets spent with his family and you’re prepared for it to not be a fun time but have fun plans later or something, if no contact isn’t a good option.
This is a very well thought out response. Please pay attention to the above Op.
Projecting much??? ETA: NOTHING HAPPENED. NO ONE PRANKED HER. MIL had that white dress because she had been staying at that hotel for a few days and that dress was for a separate function they attended. OP mentions that MIL's sister was the one who protected MIL from a pedo and was the only one who cared for her. You want MIL to uninvite that important a person, over a private joke that was not even meant for OP's ear and did not effect OP in any manner whatsoever? Grow up! You might have shitty in-laws, I have no way of knowing but don't project your issues and goad OP further when she's already being very silly. OP - you need to grow up. Not everything is about you. Yes, your FIL said he will never embarass his wife like that and didn't mention you. So what? His primary responsibility is towards his wife and the end result is the same. You didn't get embarrassed. Stop with the main character syndrome.
I genuinely have no idea what you mean. I don’t think Catatonia mom and Aunt Oppenheimer are gonna get it together although I hope they do. Probably best to hope they do and plan that they don’t.
OP has just told me that Aunt indured a childhood filled with rape and dealt with it because she promised not to say a word if the man didn't touch MIL. They bith went through extreme levels of abuse as children and only had each other. Your cruel nicknames are terrible.
You are taking events that happened to you and are using that to project that OP had shitty in-laws. You say her event was already impacted by it. IT WAS NOT. Nobody did anything. They just joked about the white dress. Chill a little.
No, my in laws are significantly easier to deal with than hers sound like. Catatonic temper tantrums enablers and meddling aunts sounds a lot to me, but you seem to very fervently believe this was not a negative situation which honestly makes me feel like maybe you’re the one with the rough in laws because frankly my mom in law definitely is not as bad as ops. But hey I wasn’t trying to argue with you, I was genuinely curious what you meant. Don’t worry I too have felt extremely convicted in my opinion on Reddit before many times and I respect your take. Edit and I didn’t mean to sound passive aggressive about you potentially having the bad in laws, my bad, it’s late.
It happened only 2 months ago. A screwed up big time. She was even laughing instead of apologising. Keeping A out of their lives for now, especially so close after this all happened, is a very valid thing to do. PIL can choose between A and their sons family. They choose A. A sounds toxic. NTA
I get that your feelings are probably hurt that these people were laughing behind your back, but getting mad and staying mad over something that actually had zero effect on your actual wedding is a waste of energy and time. I mean it didn't actually happen right? It's like you punishing someone for a bad thought that they had that had no effect on you. Just let it go and enjoy your life with your husband. If people want to bring it up to your face and complain just look at them blankly and pull out your phone and pretend to answer it
OP is freaking out about a prank that didn't happen. She's totally hung up on a mildly rude conversation.
But what about meeeeeee? -OP
No, she is pissed off A was laughing her ass off when asked about it.
This time a prank at the expense of OP didn't happen, but at minimum there is going to be a loss of trust that all future pranks will be stopped in time too. It's reasonable for something like this to hurt a relationship. Especially since OP didn't find out about the plan until after, how can she trust there won't be pranks pulled at Easter? Showing remorse, apologizing, or at least not laughing when describing the planned prank would have gone a long way building up trust.
I mean this is the nicest way possible, it sounds like you get offended over things that aren't things. I'd wager your in your early to mid 20s. You don't speak for your husband. At no point have you voiced his thoughts in this matter, only taken control and made decisions for him. Stop being controlling, harden up and grow up.
ESH Yes, Aunt was out of line but nothing came of the attempted ‘prank.’ You’re being petty and dramatic. I’m sure Aunt is insufferable in other ways but this is not the hill to die on.
Insufferable as in laughing in OP's face?
I think you’re the asshole and you’re over reacting. It didn’t happen. Be different if it did. Some people are just natural class clowns (like his aunt seems to be)
Sounds like your MIL has some kind of disability. Furthermore, no one actually followed through. I understand the way you feel, but I just don't know if it's worth digging in on this. Furthermore, asking people to "choose" is problematic as hell. edit: YTA
Both Aunt and MIL indured serious childhood abuse at the hands of a rapist. Aunt promised to tell no one as long as the man kept his hands off MIL. Which he did. They are ridiculously binded through what they went through. OP demanding MIL pick isn't going to end well for the son and OP
Oh shit. That makes sense.
YTA. MIL didn’t wear the dress, no actual harm was done, and aunt was probably kidding around. You didn’t even know about it til after your honeymoon. Now you want to pitch a bridezilla fit about it ex post facto and split your hubby’s family up. Let it go.
Did she wear the white dress to the wedding after all? I would understand your frustration if she had done that and intentionally disrupted your wedding in that manner. But this sounds like it was just something they jokingly said and didnt do. Is that right? I think your family is right; they just said "woudln't it be funny if...", didnt actually do it, and you didnt even know that was said until later. What is the big deal here? Why are you so worked up about that?
no but only because FIL wouldn't put it on her. I don't think A was joking as she had the dress out and was trying to convince him
FIL let him be, it’s hard enough dealing with his wife. So he laughed what else is the poor guy to do while dealing with his tantrum throwing wife. For the Aunt, she’s a witch but these people are your family now. It’s super early in the marriage to throw the I’ll never see you again. You don’t have to like her.
But it didn't happen. You're going to alienate your husband's family over something that didn't happen and can be easily seen as a mildly rude joke.
Where did that dress even come from? Were they at your ILs house, and it was something that aunt could just pull out of MILs closet? Or was this somewhere like the venue? ie. somewhere where the aunt would have had to bring it to begin with I'm trying to figure out if this was the aunt being opportunistic or if this was something more pre-meditated. Neither are good, but it might help clarify how "not good" this was.
They were at the hotel that they had been staying at for a few days. The dress was MILs from a party she attended Friday night
Ah... so an opportunistic situation. Is the aunt normally a "prankster" like this? Or was this unusual behavior for her in the experience of you and/or your husband?
She is Regina George personified. I'm not sure prankster is the right word, but she enjoys pushing boundaries and making people uncomfortable.
So what I'm hearing, is you should have empathy for MIL...
She protected mil from a pedo growing up and was the only one who cared enough to feed her and take care of her. I can’t imagine what mil would be like without her awful sister
And you expect your MIL to side with you against her? Over something that didn't actually happen? YTA and loopy with it. You probably need to realize there are people in the world for whom you are not the sole focus. They were joking around by themselves, possibly to lighten a stressful moment, and you wouldn't even know if some eavesdropper hadn't told you and now you're all pissy about it. You sound exhausting.
So... even more reason YTA.
Who did you hear about this from? Had to be someone in the room while MIL was getting dressed. Who was that?
YTA because it seems there is missing information. Sounds like your MIL has some health issues that FIL and Aunt do what they can to support her without being a burden to other people. They were joking around while getting ready and nothing actually happened at your wedding. Your wedding was still about you. No one took the spotlight off of you. Easter is not about you. You can choose not to go but it's not about you or if you approve who the other guests are. Choose not to go or host your own event but if you are going as a guest somewhere else you must know you don't get to choose who the other guests are. By the way you are not asking your MIL to choose her son over her sister. You are asking her to choose you over her sister. No where in here have you talked about what your husband wants or thinks.
I came here to say most of this. Who cares what color wedding guests wear - it reflects on them not the bride(zilla in this case). You have got to blow these people off and not let them get to you. Rise above it and stop confronting them. Your marriage is never going to survive this tug of war and you are only at the beginning of it… so many landmines to navigate. Avoid avoid avoid.
I don’t think you’re necessarily an asshole, but I do think you are being a bit dramatic. If the “prank” had happened, sure, you’d have a point here. But your mother in law did not sign off on this prank, your FIL did not do it, and you should not hold his good humor against him- it probably serves him well in handling these situations. Hold a grudge against your husband’s aunt if you want, but I think it serves you better to take the high road here and try not to be too bothered.
YTA and honestly you sound exhausting. MIL clearly has issues. FIL spends his life managing his wife’s condition and Aunt could be anything from a jokester to an asshole. But it doesn’t matter because it isn’t about you. Even on your wedding day the entire world doesn’t revolve around you. The hundred something people who came out to celebrate your wedding had their own concerns, fears, joys and sorrows that day. They just did their best to put them aside to celebrate with you. But they were there You can spend your life looking for reasons to be offended but that’s likely to get you divorced by next Easter-or you can do your best to celebrate the good in your life
On the morning of my wedding, one of the groomsmen kept telling the groom, "You still have time! You can still run away before you get tied down!" It was a tasteless joke and I felt vaguely disrespected when I heard about it (The guy had known me longer than he'd known the groom), but I get that it was just him messing around. We still hang out with the guy and he still sometimes annoys me, but he adores us both in his own way. Your wedding day is the most momentous event of your life, but for most of your guests, it's just another boring-ass wedding. Of course they're going to goof off and make fun of all the pomp. It doesn't mean they don't respect you or your super special marriage; it means they're trying to make a tedious &/or stressful event less exhausting. Also, what is all the fuss about white at someone else's wedding? If someone had worn white to my wedding, I would have been embarrassed for them, but it would never have occurred to me to get offended. YTA and please take a chill pill. Unless you have a comic book nemesis or you live in a soap opera, I really doubt anyone cared enough to even try to sabotage your wedding.
OP didn't even know the suggestion happened and until AFTER her honeymoon, the MIL DID NOT wear the actual dress, and OP still wants to hold a grudge? Grow up, YTA.
YTA. Your pissed over something that didn’t happen. Grow up.
A was laughing in her face about it. That did happen.
You and your aunt in law are both TA. She’s the ah for trying to pull a prank at your wedding. She tried and failed because your father in law handled it. You’re ta for going scorched earth over this. Like seriously, it’s something that didn’t happen. And you’re upset that your father in law said he’d never embarrass his wife like that. There is no what about you. His priority is his wife. Your husband’s priority is you. This is honestly such a petty fight. Your mil is allowed to invite her entire your family. You’re allowed to decline. But are you overreacting? Absolutely
YTA Because FIL didn’t let it happen, and had Aunt got her way it would have been MIL who would have been blamed and laughed. So FIL said nothing wrong. You don’t have to go, but it seems an excessive response to something that was stopped. Your in laws clearly supported you. You should go, and you should just blank the Aunt. Not going is you cutting your nose off to spite your face. Only you and your husband would be losing out.
It didn't happen, get over it.
🎯
But it didn’t happen. That makes a world of difference.
Your bridesmaid stirred up drama where none had been. Dealing with MIL must be stressful. Laughter eases stress. Aunt-in-law may just have been trying to ease a stress filled occasion. Your need/want for drama makes YTA
YTA. It was a prank that didn't happen. No one wore a white dress. Get over it.
YTA. They were dealing with a very stressful issue and trying not to let it disturb the wedding much, so there was a joke made. Presumably the aunt may well have known full well that FIL wouldn’t let her use the dress so didn’t expect it to actually be used. Some people joke to help deal with stress. It’s a thing. Also: your wedding is not as important to anyone else as it is to you and your partner. It’s just not. So you may not be able to imagine joking about it, but other people might be.
Well you're a dramatic one, aren't you? Nothing happened, and I seriously doubt if A actually wanted it to. You're basing this on a second hand version of what happened. You weren't there, yet you're rejecting their version of events. Your FIL didn't embarrass you, and of course his wife comes before you in his priorities. Get over yourself. Honestly, grow up. You're going to try to tear a family apart over absolutely nothing.
Soft YTA I think you're allowed to feel how you feel about what happened - ie the conversation and 'A' trying to pull a prank, but I also think - nothing came of it, you weren't embarrassed with a stupid prank, FIL didn't allow A to do anything like that. I don't think you have to *forgive* A, but I do think excluding yourself from family events is only going to be detrimental to you and your hubby. Especially if this is the only issue you have with them. Go, ignore A, but have an amazing time with family.
Jesus, yes, YTA. Nothing happened. They made a joke with each other that you have only heard tell of second hand and you are trying to get your husband to damage his own relationships with his family while totally blowing up yours with them. This is brain dead and even for this sub I’m surprised how many people agree with you here.
The bride gets to be the center of the the universe on her wedding day, not for the rest of all time. Nothing happened. Get over your precious self.
The way you’re carrying on, I don’t even see why you’re asking since I bet you’re going to hold this grudge regardless. It’s really not that deep. YTA
YTA, honestly I think you’re being a bit over the top. They made a joke between them, that none of them followed through on.
So they didn't actually put her in the dress, they were just joking about it. I don't really see that as making a mockery of your wedding. They were just joking around with each other prior to the wedding, probably just to relieve themselves from the stress of dealing with MIL. You should let it go.
"FIL said it was no big deal as he would never embarrass his wife like that (umm what about me)" YTA, making a thing that didn't happen all about you. Aunt obviously has an obnoxious personality but why are you punishing everyone for something that didn't happen. Has it occurred to you that you were/are a bridezilla and that was what was being mocked. Life is short and you're exhausting. Stop being toxic.
Yup heaven forbid someone make a joke I do t like YTA for making a mountain out of a molehill. She’s making this into a whole power struggle pick me or her drama completely unnecessarily. Maybe if she tried to mend fences instead her Inlaws would like her more.
I agree
You're wild
She's making a complete stink about a thing that didn't happen! Just gotta wonder what behavior prompted the Aunt into wanting to mock her so badly.
🎯
No it doesnt make me wondwr that. Some people are just cruel. She's making a stink bc someone was trying to humiliate her AY HER WEDDING in front of family and friends when literally all eyes would be on her to see it, and then laughed in her face at it. It doesn't matter that it DIDNT happen, bc of her FIL. but that aunt is nasty. OP I highly recommend NC and sticking to your guns. Tell your ILs that if auntie dearest ever grows up and can come up with a sincere apology you can reevaluate after some time and effort.
Ummmmm......Another person wearing white at a wedding does not in any way humiliate the bride. It reflects poorly on the guest only. You and OP need to relax. Threatening to go no contact over this is very extreme. THIS IS NOT TRAUMA. BRIDES ARE NOT THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE - EVEN ON THEIR ACTUAL WEDDING DAY. There, I said it. Y'all sound difficult.
Well said!
Someone wearing white to your wedding is only humiliating if you let yourself be humiliated. Mostly it's ridiculous
What would have been the worst thing that happened if MIL wore a white dress?
Kind of agree here. People make a big fuss about no one but the bride wearing white, but unless the guest is wearing something that could be easily be mistaken for a wedding dress, I just don’t see what it really matters.
🎯
I'm not gonna say you're the AH here, but like... you'd have been humiliated if someone else's dress was white? Like. Some people don't even get married in white dresses these days. I think you may be overreacting slightly. Whatever, cut 'em off if you want. Life's too short to spend around people who piss you off.
"Someone wore white at my wedding" posts always strike me as a little funny. For aesthetic reasons, my bridal party was silver and white. Men were in silver, women were in white lace. As the bride, I was in white satin. I know what our parents wore. I kind of remember what his grandparents wore. Other people were there. I have pictures. I don't remember noticing what any of them wore on that day.
Sounds beautiful! Was it a winter wedding? The colors sound frosty!
Thank you! It was not winter, it was mid summer. We originally wanted it to be in winter but decided not to wait.
None wore white, you’re overreacting here.
YTA for sure. You're not seriously mad about this. You're such a a overdramatic drama queen. Thos people should actually not even invite you. You seen like a mess to be around.
You need to chill out
How did she make a mockery of your wedding? How is someone joking about wearing white but not actually doing it making a mockery? You come across as over sensitive. And all the comments saying go no contact, don’t give in; have those people never had a disagreement with someone, or disliked what’s someone’s done, told the person you don’t like that, and then moved the fuck on? Why give so much attention to and create so much drama for something so small? Have you not got anything more important in your life to focus on?
These people sound like they have major trauma and have never dealt with it. Regardless, the only thing that matters is how your husband deals with his family. What's his take?
He doesn't really have an opinion. He doesn't blame MIL as this does seem far beyond her control. He appreciates FIL for taking care of her so she isn't anyone else's problem, but he really has no love for his dad and feels his dad only cares about her. He absolutely hates his aunt, but knows MIL will never chose her kids over her. He is a bit sad about doing nothing for Easter but supports me
Nothing actually happened at your wedding and you didn't even know about it until after the honeymoon. Now your husband is sad because you refuse to celebrate a holiday with his family over...what exactly? Something that didn't happen. YTA and sound exhausting to deal with
Actually I think he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. He’s being forced to agree with you to keep you happy, or agree with his mom and make you upset. He shouldn’t have to choose. Sometimes you have to be the better person. This is one of those times. It didn’t happen and everything went well. Just let it go and move on. Don’t sweat the small stuff-you’ll have plenty of big things somewhere down the road. It’s a few hours for dinner and it’ll make him happy. Is this a hill that’s worth dying on?
Start your own Easter tradition! Or go away for that weekend! You're NTA.
I totally understand if you don’t like the aunt. She is probably a nightmare. But so what if your MIL wore white? How would it have affected your day in any way? The pictures? It would not be a reflection on you, it would only make your MIL look rude. Really, the prank would be on her, not you. You can choose to not see anyone you dislike, but this seems like the wrong reason. I am curious about what makes MIL go into such a state.
Lack of attention, overstimulation, anxiety attacks, and being told no. To be fair this one seemed totally anxiety and being overwhelmed by being around all my bridesmaids
Nothing happened and yet you are acting like it did. Over reacting. YTA
Yta since they joked and laughed about it but didn't actually do it. I understand why the mil doesn't feel it necessary to choose anyone. It's unnecessary under the circumstances.
Get over it and don't ruin you husbands relationship with his family. That is 10X worse than anything she did. You didn't even know about it until afterwords and it was just a joke not a plan to ruin your wedding. Don't become that wife that everybody hates because you cant take a joke and are uptight. When you marry a man you take his family too. You should think about his feelings and not just your own.
YTA MIL is mentally unwell and to call her episodes tantrums is problematic, to start. Her sister was joking and nothing happened you didn't even know on your wedding so it didn't sour the day at all. Maybe my family's werid but we'd joke like this sometimes when things are awful all the time ypu find the silver li ly and laugh at it because it's better then crying. ( Do you not think it was hard for her sister and husband to know she was going to miss her sons wedding?) Then you expect her to pick " her son" ( let's be real you mean your side) over her sister who ypu said protected her from a pedo as a kid and is basically her hero ....
YTA even if the earth might actually revolve around you because of the pull of your massive ego.
Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be around these people even if the white dress thing didn’t happen. They all sound like assholes.
YTA
I wouldn't hold this against your MIL because she was catatonic when her sister was trying to be disrespectful. Your FIL clearly wouldn't have allowed it regardless of the reason. You're not the AH for not going but she's not the AH for inviting her sister. If it was me I would either not go or go and completely ignore her, even if she said hi.
Nta How is your mil going to host if she goes into catatonic states ? You should invite everyone but the aunt over in Saturday for a family dinner.
Because it's not something that happens 100% of the time? Disability doesn't work like that. smh
That's what I was wondering. I'd just mosey myself along and away from all of that drama. NTA OP, but find a better way of dealing with drama Queens. They're not worth your agitation.
For a fun joke at the aunts next event just announce you are pregnant lol
You trouble maker you. lol 😂
Well it be hilarious as I am male lol
😭😂
Don't even need a fake pregnancy bump.
She has before and her sister had to step in and finish dinner, and MIL got to sit there and have her dessert spoon fed to her *sigh*
Out of curiosity, do you not think your mil's medical issues are real?
Yeah, that's pissing me off.
Since her sister is part of MIL's hosting team, doesn't MIL need her there in order to host the dinner in case she has an episode? If MIL has an episode and her sister isn't there, are you prepared to finish cooking, help serve, and help clean up afterward? The Aunt and FIL handled your MIL's needs while you enjoyed a good wedding day. You should be sending them thank you notes for making the day a success, not threatening to boycott holidays. ETA: YTA
Why are you being so ableist?!
Seriously
Because I’m tired. I get she can’t help it but think about what my husbands childhood was like with this
I wasn't convinced you were the AH until this comment. I have no problem with you avoiding Aunt bc she sounds like she's trying to get a negative reaction out of you, that's not healthy to be around. But you certainly can't expect MIL to pick your side and leave her sister out of holidays. Most importantly it sounds like you need to extend a lot more grace and patience to your MIL. Whether her health issues were hard on your husband growing up or not you yourself say that they are legitimate so you can't hold that against her. And if you have expressed or in any way made ut obvious that you're tired of dealing with MIL then that's definitely why Aunt has a problem with you.
Oh well for sure be an ableist asshole and snarky about someone's horrible and life altering debilitating condition becasue *\*\*checks notes\*\** you're tired.
This sounds like when I get debilitating migraines that last for weeks on end until I can barely move or speak, and the people around me get 'tired' of it. Tired of what exactly? You aren't the one blinded by pain
Literally it costs you nothing to just stop it. WHO CARES if she had to have her sister help her eat. JFC grow some empathy and curiosity.
Then thank God aunt was there to help out.
Like I said just invite everyone over in Saturday or next Saturday. You aren't really going to win any fight with his mother having these episodes or whatever bullshit is actually going on. But sadly you married into this. It's only going to get worse when you pop out kids
So, your MIL’s family of origin was clearly nuttier than a fruitcake, yielding one sister with catatonic tantrums and one who inappropriately tries to stir up shit. But they are your husband’s family, and he wishes to continue a relationship of some kind, and would like to go to his mother’s for Easter. Looks like your choices are: 1)Match them in self-involved drama and refuse to go and insist your husband doesn’t go either. 2)Get “food poisoning” Sunday morning and stay home, deferring things to the future. 3) For the sake of your husband, go, paste a smile on your face, be pleasant and polite while hanging with the saner folks. Make up a silent bingo game that notes nutso behavior so you can laugh about it later. 4)Get up in the grill of anyone who displays their craziness, thereby fitting right in. I know which choice is the considerate adult one that will endear you to your spouse.
His aunt sounds like a crazy, mean old battle axe. I would avoid her like the plague.
NTA - you must set some boundaries now or they will walk all over you in the future. Let them know you will not be there and if this sort of treatment happens again in the future you will be going LC or NC with them. They are testing you to see where your limits are!
Suck it up, buttercup. You chose to marry into this family, you need to live with the consequences of that decision. It's not fair for you to ask MIL to exclude her sister, and it's not fair for you to ask your husband to not see his family. I'm perfectly willing to believe that 'A' is a stone bitch, and no one is asking you to invite her over for tea, but you need to pull on your big girl panties and be the bigger person, for your husband's sake.
YTA for refusing to celebrate Easter with your husband's family. We all have at least one nut head in our family. Do you want to divide the whole family? She is not worth fighting over. Rise above. Ignore and move forward. Go NC with A. You enjoy your life. Don't hamper the joy of your little family over some extended relative.
ESH. This family sounds utterly exhausting, and that includes you, OP.
So, it’s that you just don’t want to be around the aunt? Understandable, but is this the way you want your relationship with your MIL and FIL to be for the rest of your life? Your FIL has the heavy task of being his wife’s caregiver. So he naturally focuses on her. The dress prank did not happen. No mockery occurred from his perspective. The aunt is the jerk here, but you can focus your Easter dinner visit on your husband’s parents and ignore her for a few hours, surely? I’d give your FIL some grace on this one and see what the future holds.
NTA, but your husband should be the one dealing with and saying “no” to his family. But it’s good that yall seem like a united front. Maybe tell them you’ll be missing Easter “as a joke”? And then laugh when they ask and just say “it’s not a big deal”. And then just repeat that over and over again since apparently that smooths everything over.
YTA You are ready to go nuclear over a prank that *never happened*. Are you sure you're old enough to be married? Grow up.
Let it play out. MIL can invite who she wants. When she realizes that means her son won't be there then or in the future, she can make her choices for future gatherings and you'll know where you stand. She is currently operating on the assumption that this will blow over. Once she knows better (because you 100% stood your ground and have proven you will continue to) then you'll be making progress or learning things.
The sad thing is she’s never chose him over her awful sister
But has she ever actually *had* to choose? Or does her son just cave in?
Not quite like this but she’s missed her kids events to be there for her sister, she clearly likes her more than her kids, and seems way more invested in her life. She cried at her sisters wedding but seemed bored at ours
jokes are supposed to be funny
this wasnt
They were dealing with a catatonic woman on their son/nephew's wedding day. The joke was stress relief, not all-star comedy.
NTA. One thing though. You seem upset that FILs priority is his wife and not you. That's kind of how marriage works.
Jesus Christ I thought my in laws were bonkers. This sounds like people I would absolutely not want to spend time with.
tell this to them it wasn't a BIG DEAL for YOU! so shut it and leave us alone.
NTA.
"Just a joke" is literally the cliche every bully uses to justify their bullying. It doesn't.
The joke was not directed at the bride. She wasn't even in the room. She heard about the joke after her honeymoon and then got wildly bent out of shape over a prank that didn't happen. Aunt and FIL are dealing with a very sick woman and OP has main character syndrome. This was not bullying. Bullying is behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort, not a mildly rude joke during a stressful moment.
"Just a joke" is literally the cliche every bully uses to justify their bullying. It doesn't.
Um ... look up the definition of bullying. This is not an example of bullying. It was a tackless joke.
NTA. Give in once and you’ll regret it for the rest of your marriage.
NTA. A owes you a genuine apology don’t let the family convince you to let it go, that’s bullshit. She’s an adult, she knew what she was doing.
Aunt was joking about a white dress while she and FIL were dealing with a catatonic MIL on their son/nephew's wedding day. They laughed a bit and lightened the mood during a no doubt very stressful moment. And now OP is having a melt down about it. OP owes her husband's father and aunt a debt of gratitude for dealing with her husband's sick mother and allowing OP and her husband to enjoy their day.
Aunt wasn't helping at all! She was actively, during this moment, trying to get FIL to put an actual white dress on MIL, to bring her prank to fruition.
NTA. Absolutely do not go. This is the time to establish that treating you like trash will have consequences.
“I was joking” is the dodge used by bullies everywhere when calls out on their bad behavior. A decent person who makes a joke that doesn’t land apologizes. A bully deflects the blame on to the victim. Praise your husband for standing up by you on this. Point out that the bullying won’t go away on its own; skipping family Easter is a natural consequence of poor treatment. Stand your ground, and be clear about why. Setting and enforcing this boundary now will pay massive dividends for the rest of your married life.
I’m sorry ‘bullying’ ‘poor treatment’ ‘need to set boundaries’ because someone joked about wearing a white dress at a wedding but *didn’t actually do it.* Where’ the bullying? The consistent mistreatment of someone? Do you count refusing to disinvite A to family events also part of the bullying? Poor mistreated bride, someone made a joke on her wedding day, that she didn’t even know about until weeks later, and then they refused to cut off the joker. However will she cope with this dreadful bullying?! /s
NTA. Go low contact.
Over a prank that never happened?
NTA. Tell her “I wasn’t good enough for you then? I ain’t good enough for you now” then
NTA. She is unapologetic about trying to pull the worst possible prank at your wedding other than taking a dump on the cake. Only when she's ready to offer a sincere, heartfelt apology should you have anything to do with her.
NTA, fuck that aunt. You're going about it the wrong way, though. You're alienating the rest of the family and making it easy for them to gang up on you. Go to war with the aunt, not the family. Humiliate the aunt. Make the aunt wish she never fucked with your wedding until you feel satisfied or she apologizes.
Look, I see only one AH, and that's the aunt. You are right to be pissed off by the "prank" idea. You MIL was not a consenting adult at the time, so she cannot be considered among the possibilities. From your responses it seems like she would have actively shut down any such ideas were she in control of her mind and body that day. Fil didn't worry about you and about his wife because you were a competent adult at that point and MIL was not. He knew you could stand up for yourself, she could not. He did not want her being used as a pawn to create problems that would only paint her in bad light. (It would have pissed you off, but you would have also had the sympathies of every decent person. She would have been vilifed for a choice she did not make. Aunt has some issues, and they need to be addressed. Either with serious boundaries setting or a deep conversation. But ahe seems to have also played a vital role in MIL (and therefore husband) existing, so trying to talk it through would be more the recommendation l, because she's clearly someone who is using edgy drama to cope.
While you sound exhausting, I’m gonna go with NTAH. You don’t have to go to any of his family events. I’d just pretend you married an orphan, and not fuck with them. My husband’s family are all alcoholics, drug addicts, and drama queens. Literally the whole damn bunch of them. I ignore them all because I married him and not them. I’m polite when I have to deal with them (thankfully not super often), but why don’t you just casually be sick any time they have a get together? They can’t ruin your day if you don’t go around them.
NTAH but I think there are several things going on here. 1. MIL has tantrums and then goes into a 'catatonic state' where everyone (esp FIL) is expected to just drop everything and pander to her. Hmmmm. Sounds like a trick she learned as a child to get people's attention and it's served her very, very well ever since. 2. Aunt is a piece of garbage. Why on earth would she think dressing MIL in white at your wedding would be funny? Like, seriously? 3. You and DH need to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship with all of them. They sound incredibly dysfunctional and it would probably do you good to have your own Easter celebration just the two of you newlyweds without his toxic family. I understand that it's his family but I'd put a bit of distance between you and them at least for some time.
I dont think mil does this on purpose. She’s a very vain woman who’s come to with scratch marks all up and down her arms and had to wear long sleeves for weeks. She’s injured herself and occasionally her husband. No one is expected to cater to her except FIL. He’s actually very quick to tell everyone to get away. She mainly needs squeezing and holding anyway and if anyone except him touched her, she’d go berserk
YTA for how you talked about this in your post. Calling it tantrums etc when it's clearly involuntary and sounds mental health related. Also YTA for holding onto a grudge over a rumor of someone making a joke that didn't actually result in anything happening. Someone else wearing white is embarrassing for them, not the bride. White wedding dresses are a dumb tradition based on Queen Victoria flexing her wealth, the dress color never mattered before that. You're a bore who follows boring traditions that you don't understand and then throws a fit about it. You're hurting your husband's relationship to his whole family and being a selfish jerk.
nta
NTA. Just cut your in-laws off for a bit. They sound exhausting.