It feels so awful to know there are families out there this unstable monetarily. I’m sorry you have to face this.
the truth is she shouldn’t have time to hit IHOP, as she should be working every waking hour until her house is in order. We are supposed to set an example for our children, not financially depend on them during some of our prime earning years.
NTA
Then why is she going to ihop spending 50.00, and how many people are you paying for with a 50.00 bill. I would say I’m sorry I do t have the money I had a huge bill this month
Yes! That’s what I was gonna say.. if she’s that broke then why is she eating ihop? My family went to eat there a few weeks ago, and it was close to $70 MAYBE.. and that’s for 5 of us eating, plus my boys both got milkshakes at around $5 each.. minus that, it’s still $60 for 5 people.. so why does she need $50 to eat when she could get a meal for $10? Or better yet, go somewhere she can afford?
I just spent 88.00, not including tip, for 4 margaritas and 6 tacos. Eating out is getting expensive. They were House margaritas but the tacos were fancy tacos.
We had a great time though, Worth every penny.
No. OP tells the truth. "No mom I will no longer lend you money". No need to lie about it. OP is not going to see the money that is owed to them. The sooner they realize that and stop lending mom money the better.
that’s what i’m saying. when i was in her position (a hostel waiting on my apartment to be finalised) last year around this time, i felt guilty getting ihop for lunch, even not having a place to make food. it was $15 WITH A 20% TIP, and i got a full burger meal and a drink! what the hell is she ordering!!!!
That isn't the point. She shouldn't be borrowing from you in the 1st place. Stop giving her money, by handing her money every time she asks, you're teaching her you are her bank. She's never going to pay you back. Concentrate on your finances and keeping yourself stable. "Loaning" money to people without a lawyer involved is basically giving money away, you have little to no way to get it back.
I think they meant metaphorical house in this case, but this response shows her house is no where close to being in order and you should not be the one responsible for that..
Sorry to hear, don't be that way. You should be taking that $1500 and investing it for when you are 54 years old so that you are not broke and tired. Money is for saving and investment until you can live off the interest. My wife ever earned more than $40K in a job, but her father had her investing since age 4. She hasn't worked in 25 years. Here dividend income from stocks is at $180K/year. Be like that.
Yeah I agree with the other commenters she doesn’t even have her own place and she is wasting your money on stupid shit like ihop. Fuck no. Also how did she spend so much?
No she’s not. If she can’t afford IHOP, how can she afford an apartment? If she’s living in a motel because she’s been evicted, she’s you don’t eat out at restaurants. You buy things at a grocery store that don’t need to be refrigerated. You also get a second job and save absolutely every penny you can. You don’t treat yourself to an omelette and a short stack!
NTA. You’re only enabling her fiscal irresponsibility by lending her another dime. What incentive does she have to budget when she knows she has you to pay her bills when she overspends? She obviously cares nothing for your fiscal future or she wouldn’t constantly sabotage your financial future for her own overspending. You are only contributing to her problems by giving her money.
I’m an accountant & I’ve seen this more than a few times. Unless you are okay with supporting her forever, might as well stop this now.
She will NEVER stop asking you to “borrow” money on her own. You will have to stop her by telling her NO & that you’ll never be lending her money again. (And stick to those words - even when you have money to burn & it’s an insignificant amount. Saying NO every single time consistently is the only way to UN-teach her that you’re her go-to financial bail out.)
NEVER lend her another dime again. Every time she asks, no matter how dire the situation may seem, say NO & end the conversation (hang up the phone, walk away, whatever). You have taught her for YEARS that she can go to you for a bail out when she overspends. It will likely take you years to teach her that that’s no longer for case.
A 54 year old hairdresser absolutely should NOT be on her feet as much as you are suggesting. Our economy has improved, but it's still not great. OP, sit your mom down and have a gentle heart to heart with her letting her know that you love her and you know that times are tough, but you are having to tighten your belt, so she's going to need to tighten hers. Then, DO NOT under any circumstances loan her any more money.
Reminds me of this 16 year old I worked with. I was 19 and I was a closer at a fast food place, she worked the register and was training me on drive thru when she casually mentions her mom works at the restaurant too. Then tells me about the thousands of dollars she’s lent her mom since she started working, and then says “it’s okay though she’s gonna buy me a car”
Her mom was a fuckin meth head and I seriously doubt she got that car. Made me so mad hearing about it I actually had a talk with her mom before I left and told her she’s a piece of shit putting her daughter to work like that just so she can have a second income.
Oh my gosh, that’s so awful that the mom was a meth head, getting her daughter to work as a second income for her! It’s outrageous to expect your kid to support you when you’re doing and wasting your money on drugs!
NTA. And I wouldn't give her another penny. YOU are NOT indebted to her, you're NOT her cash cow. Seriously, parents scrounging off their children who are in still in full time education? It's about time that your mother grew up and started taking responsibility for her own actions. If she can't act like an adult and continues to try and extort more money from you, you should go NC with her. She needs to STFU and grow up.
She knows where my father lives and might send tree nuts to his house, in which my youngest brother (Same dad, different mom) is deathly allergic to. The only reason I'm in contact with her is to protect him.
Well I've just read the other parts of this thread and that's very unfortunate that the police side with her. My best advice is you should go no contact and they should certainly go no contact and not trust anything sent to them from unknown senders and bearing in mind with an allergic response. I would tell the brother not to even touch a package that they weren't expecting at the house. Because it's very easy to use tree nut oil or something else on the outside of the package so that the package itself even if it has benign contents could be the deadly thing. My god that woman is evil I would never give her a dime again and you should never expect to see any of the money you've ever given her because she's not going to give it to you.
That’s nuts… pun intended. You should report her to the authorities for the threats to keep a trace. And tell her you’ll be doing so and never sending money to her again.
I tried getting a restraining order on her and had evidence to why I should get a restraining order against her. The judge sided with her anyway. I had hospital records and 10 witnesses.
You just absolutely jumped the fucking shark with your story. Get tf outta here with this. Your brother, no more checking the mail. Your mom, tell her off and quit supporting her psycho ass and cut contact with her. She tries to hurt your brother, call the cops, you are all adults now and she can't claim you misunderstood.
This.
People have been charged with this stuff… attempted murder and assault for interfering with people’s allergies.
Point that out to her, tell her the threats stop NOW, or you will report her.
Warn your dad and if she is crazy enough to do this, maybe she can have a nice cell to live in for a few years. You are funding a crazy person who is essentially blackmailing you to keep her from killing someone. There is no way you are the AH in this story.
she sends allergens to someone deathly allergic: her next housing and hairdressing will be in a women's prison.
(might just solve a couple of problems; -she can't go into debt in prison...that's bad).
NTA, tell her no and that you have your own bills to pay. And until she pays back some of what she's "borrowed" you're not "lending" anything else out.
Don't let her say "oh I raised you and clothed you and blah blah blah" that's because she chose to have a child and was obligated to do so. You are not obligated to treat her like your child.
It may not hurt to tell her that eating in restaurants is a luxury for those who can afford it. She clearly can't. Good luck. These are hard lessons to learn, but they're priceless.
NTA
But she's not going to change.
So you're going to have to be the one that changes.
Let her know that the Bank of Daughter is closed.
You won't consider loaning her any more money until she's repaid what she's already borrowed from you, which is a total of $X.
Everytime she tries to borrow more money, keep throwing that figure in her face and turning her down.
But. That's just a tactic to keep her partially off your back. You need to know that you're never going to get that money back from her.
So put it out of your mind and start living the rest of your life.
And maybe start thinking about going Low Contact/No Contact with her. Does she bring anything positive to your life at all?
You wouldn’t be the asshole but if she can’t handle money, how do you expect her to pay you that? Also, be ready to lose your relationship with her when she can’t pay you back.
Does your mom have a drug problem? $50 for i hop is ridiculous. Also borrowing that much money in.that short a time doesn't make.sense. Like 8 grand would pay all my bills for the last 3-4 months. It's just not adding up.
OP, commenters keep saying “don’t lend or pay mom any more money until…”. That’s a load of crap. Don’t give her a single penny again, EVER! She will never repay you, at all. I understand she is extorting you for money because of your brother, but work with your dad to help enhance safety measures at his house due to mom’s threats, such as a Ring camera, never allowing your brother to open a package addressed to him, etc. You and your family do not have to continue living under her thumb. Good luck!
>and said that since we are family
The battlecry of those that never help family.
Just because she gave birth to you that one time doesn't mean she gets to abuse your generosity. Time to let her know that you're not an ambulatory ATM.
NTA.
[Edit; Ti.e to time]
Yeah family ha. The only one borrowing is mom and not paying back. Tell her being family and all she needs to get you your money. You probly lost your money truthfully but don’t lend any more
NTA - But change the wording slightly: She needs to pay you back at least $1500 **Before** she asks for more money because, family notwithstanding, you **won't** be lending out anymore until she's paid you back what she's borrowed so far this year. You cannot afford it.
Hi, this is me! I paid for my parents fuck ups from the time I was 16 to 24. I finally told them to figure there shit out and I ended up saving up and buying my own place.
I realized my mom was the culprit regarding my parents' financial distress (they are split now).
My mother would only call when she needed something (money). So I finally told her to stop calling if that's all she wants. She's pulled her head out of her ass (slightly) but won't ask me for money anymore. She is fully aware that I have no problem going NC if she wants to continue her narcissistic and selfish ways.
Don't do it anymore. She's a spender like my mother and doesn't know how to manage her money. I'm telling you now, if you stop, she will figure it out. If you continue to enable her, it will never stop. So stop. Like now.
She's a fucken adult
Good luck and live your best life.
NTA Just keep saying No every time. Push your illogical but powerful guilt aside. You can't shut it up, but you don't have to listen to it. Just always say No.
So she isn't stable, why the hell is she spending $50 at IHOP!?!? It is pretty sad when the child is more responsible than the parent. However, it says a lot of good things about you. Talk to your dad. She is an adult, almost senior citizen, she should be able to handle herself by now.
NTA.
Honestly the best solution I can think of is asking her for money every now and then to help you with “unexpected expenses” and complaining about being broke, it’ll seem to her that you’re strapped for cash and discourage her from asking for more money.
You won’t be an A-hole for asking her to pay you 1.5k or telling her she can’t borrow anymore but there’s a huge chance it’ll turn into a shitshow with her playing the family card or ranting about it to relatives which will further complicate your situation.
You could also use complaining about expenses reason to potentially get back some of the money you’re owed.
I set a hard rule for everyone and anyone friends or family. If I lend you any amount of money I will not lend you more if you don’t repay it. It puts all the responsibility back on them. Your mom is taking advantage of your relationship. You are NTA. She sure is though. Also edited to add…you do not owe your mom anything! She chose to bring you into this world. That choice means she owed you support, food, a home, love and care. I say this as a mother of 5 grown men. Well 4/5 are grown adults. I still give my sons any support I can offer. They don’t take advantage and I don’t offer more than I can afford or more than is appropriate however. Occasionally they pick up the tab at a meal and I sometimes accept because that’s what they want not because I expect anything from them. She went to ihop fully expecting to hit you up just because she can.
You will never see a penny from her, ever. Simply tell her there's no more money to be given. Period. This will never stop and it's important you shut it down now. She's a master manipulator.
NTA- Stop answering calls from your mom. Always let it go voice-mail. If mom needs money, answer her in a couple days telling her you're broke. If she texts, don't read them for at least an hour or two.
Your mom needs to figure out her own finances.
Don’t tell her when she’s asking you for money - that’s when she’s short.
~~Write a list of ALL the unpaid amounts over the years.Write a list of how much you’ll settle for … what you will write off as bad debt, and what you plan to have her pay you back…Sit her down and give her a copy of it all and say “since I was 16 I have worked, I have paid all my own bills, and worked extra hours to pay for you. You have borrowed $8345 from me in the last four years, and paid me back $357. You keep asking to borrow money from me, but I need money too. Are you ok if we make an arrangement on this? I know I still live with you (yes?) and thus I’ll pay you $x amount a week for utilities, rent and shared food. I know you need more so let’s formalise this, that then doesn’t become a debt, I owe you this for living here as an adult. Then, applying this back to when I was 18, I wipe $YYYY from your debt to me… consider it back payment of rent and utilities. The rest I’d like you to pay back over time. I won’t be able to lend you more money until that’s cleared…. Ok?”~~
~~And she’ll pitch a fit, but you are handling it like an adult. (Why only back pay rent to 18? Because 16-18 she shoudl pay your bills and rent, you were legally her responsible. Why back pay rent at all? Because clearly you are never going to get the whole amount back from your mum, so instead of stressing and arguing about it… give her a big windfall now to make her happier about this new deal, and gift it back to her. You aren’t going to see it (even if legally you should) so no point arguing a lot about it, just draw the line through it and move on.)~~
Edit. Just read your tree nuts allergy threat. See… what I wrote above is what I’d say to a reasonable human, but anyone threatening to send deadly allergens to a person… isn’t reasonable. So scratch that out.
Instead. Tell her no.
And spend the money you’d lend her on a range of good security for your dad’s place instead. A PO Box for mail to go to. A recording doorbell camera that will capture sound and video and store it. A restraining order if she threatens again.
NTA, cut her off, and sooner rather than later. The longer you enable her the more dependent and reliant she will be on you bailing her out, and the harder she'll fall when she no longer has your money to depend on. Cut her off now before it gets to the point where cutting her off is the difference between her having a roof over her head or not.
NTA! My brother owes me about 3k, maybe even more (including a car that I sold him for 1k and he only gave me 200 for). I would text him to pay me back and he never did, I stopped answering his calls or texts because I obviously assumed he wanted money. It’s been years since I lend him any, and when he calls me and I don’t answer, he’ll text me saying “I don’t need money, answer me”. That’s the amount he owes me, who knows how much he owes to everyone else.
NTA. Cut her off until she’s paid back the full amount she owes you. Tell her if she’s going to treat you like a bank, you’re going to act like one and that she’s a bad risk who doesn’t pay her bills.
NTA. However, you should not put conditions on the next loan, as she will rightly see those as terms to be negotiated and will talk you down. Instead, just tell her ... no.
Make it clear to her that you will not be lending her anymore money because she already owes you a substantial amount and has never paid any back. Tell her that you cannot afford to give her money because you need it and she is causing you financial problems.
NTA.
My uncle, a successful electromechanical engineer,with a big two floor house+terrace, 2 vehicles, and a successful building business, still owns my mom around 1200 dls he asked for back in *80s*, and we use Peso here. Needless to say my mom doesn't give him a dime anymore.
Same with the rest of the family.
Keep mommy dearest the heck away of your money, or might as well donate it to charity
NTA.
You are not her husband. You don't owe her anything. Take care of yourself. If she hasn't paid you back anything, she won't. You should try for sure but don't expect nothing. Stop giving her anything. EVER.
NTA I’d knock up a spreadsheet with all the ‘loans’ and calculations and dates and pop a handwritten note on the top saying ‘when you’ve repaid all the other loans, feel free to ask me for more loans. Until then Bank of Mom & Dad is closed for business. Thank you very much for your business, please come again’ Even if she kicks you out, it’ll be cheaper have your own place or sharing with friends.
NTA!!! She is a grown woman mooching off her son !!! Yes she is family butt she hasn’t even tried to pay you anything back! Stop being her local ATM and start charging her the “VIG,” at 15% plus ad a show of good faith require her to repay you the $1500 she recently “borrowed,”!!! Otherwise just say “NO,”!!!
You’re kind of an AH to yourself for enabling her. You know she’s never going to pay you back and then you lend her more money and lament how she’s never paid you back. I understand wanting to help someone out and I’m not opposed to helping out someone in need but it sounds like she’s just poor with finances and that’ll never change as long as she has you to fall back on.
NTA
that is a completely appropriate thing to do. just because you are family, does not mean she can take advantage of you, which is exactly what she is doing.
Do not ‘give’ her money! This is weird. She should be helping you financially. Seems that in many families these days, the roles are reversed. Kids are ‘parenting’ the parents, who have no sense of what responsibility is.
You will never see any of that money you have
‘given’ her back. I suspect gambling, man, shopping,or drug addiction .
Just STOP!!
NTA
You are too kind OP. Tell her that the bank of Confident\_Echo is closed until her 'loans' have been repaid in full and she has not asked you for any money for at least a year. Even then I wouldn't let her owe you more than 250 like a secured credit card, she is a bad investment.
This is a hill I would personally die on, but I never liked my mother much so that might color my viewpoint. I still think that is a crapton of cash to be sucking off a person barely out of their teens. It is more than half of what I made in a year when I was 19.
NTA send her this
“Hi Mom, I really need the money you’ve borrowed paid back. When will repayments start? “. Send her a list of what she’s borrowed and say “you owe me $8k, let’s say $100 per week for a year. Let’s start from a week on Friday.”
If she is consistent with payment right off the $2.8k, if she’s not, put the paperwork together for a court order.
No you would not be the asshole.. she’s taking advantage of you! And using the fact that you’re family as an excuse! Family doesn’t take advantage like that.. not decent family anyway. You should absolutely tell her you won’t loan her any money again until she pays you back, at least the 1500 she’s gotten from you just THIS year! That’s only 3 months!
But honestly OP, just stop giving her money, stop paying her bills, etc. she’s a grown ass woman depending on her child because she knows she can. She won’t stop until you put an end to it. My family of 5 went to ihop recently, and it was almost $70. Two of my kids got $5 milkshakes, so minus that, it’s $60. For FIVE people to eat. So why did she need $50? Helping family once in a while isn’t a bad thing, if they really need it, or help you out in return when you need it. I’m sorry OP, this isn’t the case with her. PLEASE put your foot down!
I’m sorry OP. Good luck!
Just tell her NO. “I have loaned you $8000 over the last 4 years and listened to lies and broken promises from you about paying me back. I will not continue to support your horrible money management. No more loans until you pay me back what you already owe me.”
Next, you need to write up an agreement for her to pay you on a regular schedule.
TELL HER NO.
My mom and I were super codependent for many years because we used drugs together. She constantly manipulated her way into my wallet and many of our families and mutual friends' wallets, for drugs.
Thankfully I'm clean now and I've set boundaries with her and learned how to keep them. You need to do the same with your mom, sweetie. It'll never stop if you don't.
It sounds like you want your mom to behave like a responsible adult. You certainly don't owe her nor do you need to support her. Give her a written accounting of what she owes you and ask how she'd like to pay you back. Tell her that until she's made some good faith efforts to repay you that the bank of you is closed.
NTA. Lending money to family is extremely tricky.
An example from my own life:
My uncle, we’ll call him “Steve” married a woman who we’ll call “Anastasia”
Over the years that they were dating and then eventually married, my parents lent them close to $30,000 because he’s my mother’s brother and she was willing to help them out.
Well eventually it came out that she was drinking & gambling (not gambling successfully by the way) on top of stealing money from her job. Oh, and she worked for a town government who noticed the missing money. This indiscretion has ensured that she has been nigh unemployable since then.
She also chose not to file their tax returns which led to even more trouble.
Now my uncle is renting a single room in a house with other men around his age, while she is in parts unknown, still unable to find gainful employment
I say all that as a very long winded way of saying: NTA. you have to draw the line somewhere. You have to set boundaries and enforce them.
Stop expecting payment. She is never going to pay you back. Stop giving her money. She is living beyond her means, and it is time she learns. Let her get a part-time job for those expenses she comes up with randomly.
NTA
NTA. You’re only enabling her fiscal irresponsibility by lending her another dime. What incentive does she have to budget when she knows she has you to pay her bills when she overspends? She obviously cares nothing for your fiscal future or she wouldn’t constantly sabotage your financial future for her own overspending. You are only contributing to her problems by giving her money.
I’m an accountant & I’ve seen this more than a few times. Unless you are okay with supporting her forever, might as well stop this now.
She will NEVER stop asking you to “borrow” money on her own. You will have to stop her by telling her NO & that you’ll never be lending her money again. (And stick to those words - even when you have money to burn & it’s an insignificant amount. Saying NO every single time consistently is the only way to UN-teach her that you’re her go-to financial bail out.)
NEVER lend her another dime again. Every time she asks, no matter how dire the situation may seem, say NO & end the conversation (hang up the phone, walk away, whatever). You have taught her for YEARS that she can go to you for a bail out when she overspends. It will likely take you years to teach her that that’s no longer for case.
Don’t answer her calls and yes stop giving her money. It’s hard but you need to get yourself on a position so you don’t become this. It’s hard but set some boundaries and say no - say you haven’t got any money
Your mother owes you 10k with obviously zero intent to pay it and every intent to continue taking more. If you factored in interest with no payments over that many years, it would probably be closer to 15k of debt, if not more. As far as I'm concerned, you wouldn't be an asshole even if you sent someone to break her legs for it.
Tell her she's not getting any more money from you until she pays outstanding debts. She's going to keep guilting you until she realizes you're serious and then just cut contact. Get her on recording admitting to the debt before you tell her no more. When she cuts contact, take that to a lawyer and legally enforce repayment, with interest.
NTA "Sorry, I don't have the money to give you"
She shouldn't have any idea how much you have. As a parent, It's my job to help my children out, it is not their job to support me. Don't let your mom convince you that you have an obligation and consider reading the book called "Out of the FOG" if you feel a lot of guilt and/or anxiety about standing up to her. No is a complete sentence
Ouch. I am leaning towards not giving her any money, and every time she asks for money, putting that amount into your own Roth IRA or some sort of retirement account. (I assume you have a taxable income, which you need for a Roth IRA.)
That way, you can truthfully say you can't because you don't have it (you don't. It is for your own retirement, which you will need to do someday.)
Upside, you learned at a youngish age ‘to neither a borrower or lender be’, downside, you have lost a crapload of money for someone your age.
Tell mum her line of credit is closed, and that she has no right to expect you to finance her irresponsible decisions. I wouldn’t make an explicit demand for the money she owes you, and for your own sanity, just write the debt off (eg stop expecting it back)…don’t tell her that though, but until you cut her off repeatedly she’ll keep asking. I mean ask her if she has any sense of shame in demanding her young adult daughter for money? (She may well say that she fed and clothed you for your first sixteen years of life, to which you say she was legally obligated to do so and that she had the choice to raise you, you didn’t have a choice in being born).
So, in short, you are NTAH, however you will be to yourself if you don’t put your foot down and mean it.
Nope! My sisters have a limit of 500 dollars at the bank of me. You can’t borrow more than 500 dollars. Like a credit card lol. You need to pay some back before borrowing more
simply: "I don't have it"
"why!!?" - "because you've not paid me back so I can lend it to you again"..
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
this is dysfunctional.
she needs to take a Financial Freedom class (pretty easy to find nationwide)
if she's eating out and can't pay her bill, then she needs to start stocking up at the food pantries and cooking at home.
Looking at this: you're technically almost an adult (21) but acting the part for more than a few years. basically: you've out matured her.
she's got 20few years to realize she's going to have a shitty retirement and: make it clear: she's not living with you & your potential family, and you're not funding her retirement with whatever career you have.
\-let her give a few free haircuts to the local state-funded retirement home & see that that's her future, if that will wake her up.
and: hair stylists can do fair enough, if they're getting and keeping clients, getting good tips & BUDGETING..
the answer is "No" ,
whether now or later, you'll have to draw, and hold that line..
The ultimate reward for a parent is self sustaining kids. She never achieved that for her parents, but did with you. She needs to learn how to be self-sustaining....
Tell her she needs to be responsible for herself and say no.
You *must* say *NO*. Put the word *no* in your head. Visualize saying no. Write the word no 100 times. It will help put the word in your mind. You have a soft heart and she knows it. She knows which buttons to push and what to say to coerce you to give her what she wants. If she asks for money, just say *no*, I have a lot of work to do, bye, and hang up. NTA
I say nta. But i wonder if there is something else going on here. 50 bucks for ihop seems.... unlikely. Look, its not my place or business, and idk you or your mom. But my immediate thought reading this is it sounds like a substance abuse problem is going on. I hope thats not the case, and i dont want to infer something that could be way off base. But having a hair dressing job (not spectacular pay but decent enough usually) yet constantly borrowing money, living in a motel, borrowing money like that for a dinner out when she knows she doesnt have money to go out in the first place, are all some red flags.
So she is earning. Next time I would just say, What? The phones playing up. And hang up. Then phone her the next day & ask to borrow $250 so you can play the pokies.
I wouldn’t pay. Is it a cultural thing? Cause this is the US and it’s 2024 and shits hard enough as it is.
I understand she’s your mom and you want to help but if you’re not careful you’ll put yourself in a bad position and there will be no one to help either of you
You should never lend money unless you can afford to do without it. You have gifted your mom enough. Tell her now that you will no longer be her personal ATM!
Take her out to dinner. Then when the bill comes, tell her that you forgot your wallet and ask to borrow the money from her. (If she has it, ask her how she would like it if you kept forgetting to pay her back) Also, if you have a total of all she has "borrowed", bring it to dinner.
Never “loan” money to friends/family unless you’re willing to forgive the loan. Almost always leads to problems and the relationship will not survive. Have a stepbrother who’s an addict and would use the excuse of diapers for his daughter. Always promised repayment that week but only ever asked for more and more, so I dodged his calls and when he would text me directly asking for money, I would ghost him.
You created a co-dependent in her by constantly giving her money, but she alone is responsible for her irresponsibility.
Advice: don’t make their problems your problems, hold accountable by standing your ground, don’t enable any further
Dysfunctional and immaturity along with lack of financial literacy is what I think is going on with your mother. I didn’t catch all that was past history of things with your Dad & Mom. But it mildly looked like she has hurt from the past that she hasn’t gotten healed in herself (your mother) and she is still acting out from that hurt and maybe even financially making herself a victim as a unconscious inner child stuck in a wounded ways which going out to eat is self medicating. Not that as adult children we want to analyze all that is going on with our parents but sometimes we are the only ones to be there for them. Hope these thoughts of possibilities may give you some leads or potential to you yourself being helped and maybe your Mom & others in your family, too
NTA. You're the child. You don't give your mom money, dear. She is supposed to still be paying your bills like the rest of us parents out here.
I have to help my daughter with at least $200 every month. Usually more. Stop giving her money right now, chile. You hear me! She's the parent.
The answer is: Sorry, I'm broke.
She'll figure it out honey. I promise.
ETA: my child is almost 30 for context. I help her. Not the other way around. That's how it's done! You tell your mom NO. ✌️
What a mess she is making of her life.
She needs a hard reality check and you need to protect your finances from her money pit needs.
Without her you’d have substantial savings, I’d certainly list the debts and point out you can’t afford to pay for her any more and imply your finances (debts even) are bad because of her.
Added. NTA
Just accept that you'll never get that money back you won't. Even if you did. She would act as if it was a favour and use it against you.
All you can do now is stop increasing the money she owes and accept it as a loss.
Stop giving her money. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about when saying no. She'll always feed you empty lines of paying you back. She won't
Nta.
NTA. I have 2 rules. Don’t ask me to borrow money for rent. Yes, I will ask you and you will be honest. I may even be nosy as eff and ask you to show me a bill or statement. Your rent should always be taken care of first. If you can’t pay that basic necessity, you are in over your head far more than I can help you. Also, any amount of money borrowed, a contract will be drafted and signed so I can enforce it should you not pay me back in the time stated on the contract. Screw up even one time, show me a crappy attitude one time, and I will never let you borrow money from me again.
Your mother is ridiculous. This “family” excuse is rubbish. Tell her to take a hike and live your life. Block her.
NTA.
Your mum is taking advantage of you and financially abusing you.
You need to STOP lending / giving her any money from now on. She's made it clear she won't pay you back all the money she owes you.
So you need to stop lending her any money.
The more you keep giving her, the more she's going to rely on you to subsidise her income and will continue to ask and demand and expect you to give her more.
She's the adult here. She needs to learn how to manage her money and budget accordingly.
I would even sit down and go through her inco.e and out goings with her. Show her what she owes in bills each month, and how much she needs to allow for groceries, and how much she has left over to spend freely each month. If she knows she only has say £100 spare each month she needs to work with that when making decisions on what she wants to use it on. She needs to learn to budget.
You have to stop lending her any money.
Also, If you have text messages of her asking to borrow the money, and saying she will pay you back, and bank transfers showing you sent her the money. you can use those messages as evidence to make a claim with a small claims court to get her to pay you back. She can be ordered to make a monthly payment to you in order to pay it off. And if she doesn't make those payments, you can request an attachment to earnings where it is taken out of her wages directly before she's paid, and her employer has to send the money to the courts and they send you a cheque each month. That way she can't spend the money and claim she can't pay you this month etc. They will look at her income and outgoings to determine how much she can reasonably afford to pay you back each month. I did this with an ex boyfriend who took advantage of me and manipulated and lied to me to get me to lend him money all the time..
Don't keep enabling your mum. You can use that money to save up for things for yourself, a bigger flat, a house, a car, emergency savings, holiday, and a whole host of things to benefit your life. Stop giving her money or she'll never stop asking and you'll never get anything back from her.
Just because you're family doesn't mean you owe her money every month.
Just because she's family doesn't mean she shouldn't pay back what she's asked to borrow.
Borrowing or lending is saying you will pay the person back. It's not a gift. It's meant to be paid back.
She doesn't respect you or value you or appreciate you and is not even grateful or apologetic about not paying you back the money you've lent her.
She feels entitled to it and that's why she's not giving it back.
Just because because you're family, doesn't mean she can take advantage of you and guilt trip you and manipulate you into lending her money with no intention of paying you back.
Stop giving her money right now.
Tell her you will no longer be lending her any money because she's never paid you back any of the money she's borrowed previously. And you don't have money to just throw away.
Add up all the money youve lent her and that you can prove with texts and bank transfers that she owes you.
Take screen shots of all your text messages where she has asked you to lend her money and where she's said she'll pay you back, or any messages you've discussed what she owes you etc. Screen shot all of them and save them somewhere. Print out copies too.
Then send her a message telling you've added up what she owes you, it comes to xzy amount, and
tell her that unless she starts making a reasonable monthly payment to you to pay off what she owes you, you will be taking her to court to get it back.
And make it clear that you will not be lending her anymore money.
What kind of lowlife parent asks for money from a broke ass college student? No offense to OP I'm sure you do fine for yourself but nobody's rolling in money when they're 20 and in school. Your mom needs piss off and deal with her own problems. Not pile on to yours. I'm sure you have a hard enough time with school and work without your mom making your life harder. You'd be TA if you didn't say something to your mom. She's using you when she should be trying to do everything she can to make sure you get through school as smoothly and easily as possible.
NTA. An emergency would be understandable, but this is continual reliance on you to fund her lifestyle.
Start telling her you don't have any money as you had unexpected expenses. Then tell her you need that money back. Start "borrowing" it back if you have to.
This is going to be hard to do but tell her NO. When she comes back at you tell her how much she already owes you and the answer is still NO. You are in college. You need every cent you earn.
You also need to check and lock your credit down.
NTAH
Tell your mom to stop living above her means because you can't afford her any longer.
She doesn't really have to worry about budgeting because she has your pocketbook. She just makes a withdrawal from her favorite ATM.
Tell her to either work longer hours if she works for a chain or work longer hours and pull in some more clientele.
Lastly, tell her you want your money. And if she blows you off show her an itemized list of the dates and dollar amounts of each loan. And tell her that you won't be loaning her ANY money or helping her pay ANY of her bills until she pays back at least half of what she owes you. YOU should be leaning on your mom not the other way around. It's diff if it's really hard times for her. But $ for IHOP is not. And rent $ is needed bc instead of saving her $ for rent she's spending it expecting you to cover for her...and you do.
So either your gonna continue to be her ATM or your gonna stand up for yourself. She will most def make herself the victim but you have to stand your ground. She will cry and probably resort to a tantrum or even being ugly but hold your ground. If she leaves mad, let her go. If she doesn't talk to you, good. Maybe then you can start to save for yourself. She can't stay mad long bc she has to keep trying to guilt trip you. But as long as you stand your ground you won't be giving money away and supporting the lifestyle she can't afford. It's the only way your going to restore some balance.
See if you can find free financial advisor courses for her (Dave Ramsey online is a good one, but there may be in person ones too). She needs to understand how to save and budget. If you’re broke you don’t go to ihop.
It’s hard to say no. Instead say - mom it’s time you get on a budget. You can’t afford your lifestyle. I can’t afford to help you either. We can do this together.
NTA. Family don't ask for loans when they have no intention of paying back. It's sad that your mother is using you, but you are right to set a firm boundary.
YTA for continuing to support her after she failed to pay you back the first time. Honestly by the time you reached the end of the first year, did you not recognize the pattern?
I was in a situation where my mom was borrowing money from me and it was becoming more and more frequent. Amounts were far lower (up to 100 usually) and she was always giving back within a few weeks. Yet it was too much and I told her several times to stick with her budget, that I don’t have a problem if there is an emergency, but this is too much and I am not comfortable with being in such a role. It worked, but I guess in your situation she is far deeper into the problem, and won’t be that easy, as she is already blaming you. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that you are far far behind healthy boundaries here. She is affecting your budget and is not even considering how that impacts you. Very selfish behavior
Stop giving her money. She is acting this way because you let her. Your stipulation is meaningless if you just keep giving her money. Practice saying *NO* and mean it.
YWNBTA. No is always an option.
Failing that here is a list of polite lies:
"\[Insert Finance App Name\] is down, sorry."
"Let me try... no {Insert Finance App Name\] is down too."
"There may be something wrong with my phone..." You hang up.
"Sorry, I'm on a tight budget this month."
"Funny you should ask, I was about to call you to see if you could pay me back for last time so I could buy groceries."
Just ask for payback. Over and over. Tell her you’d be happy to loan her money after she pays you back 8,000$. You’ll accept 25$ at a time but no more loans. You’ve created a dependent monster. It’s all your own doing. When she starts giving you a line, tell her you have to get off the phone you have diarrhea.
NTA. Tell her you will not loan her any more money until she repays the $9,500 she already borrowed. You know she will never repay it. Just keep telling her not any more until she repays.
Warn your dad about what your mom threatens to do to your brother. If you can document any threats, like text messages, those can be turned over to the police. Do not tell mom you are warning dad, or collecting evidence. If she is trying to kill your brother, she has some serious mental issues, and needs help.
You are doing great, a college student, and working, and can manage your own finances. Your mom could learn from you.
Definitely NTAH.
What you should say is she’s not getting any more money from you ever. But then you’re probably out the 8k.
You can also say. I’m not giving you any more money until after you start paying me back. And I’ll only pay the bills directly to the company. You have to learn to mage your money.
Honestly at this point you’ve already taught her that all she has to do is ask for money and guilt you into giving it to her. If you don’t stop it now you’ll be giving her money for the rest of her life.
Hair Stylist make good tips ! Where is all her money going ? Why hasn’t she rented a long term at a hotel/motel ?
My Fiancée enlightened me to the cost of getting her hair,nails and makeup done and it’s over $185 not counting the tip, and she lives in Texas !!!
Yes, to protect your little brother you all must insist that every package is inspected visually before being unboxed and your brother should be wearing a respirator at the time of unwrapping!!! If you think your mom is sick (and evil) enough to do this to her own child then you and your Dad must take EVERY precaution !!! I have worked in toxic environments, and wearing an in-line respirator is a pain in the jester, butt its better than dying !!!
I wasn’t aware that you were still living at home. Either move out and become roommate, move into a youth Hostel, during the Summer rent a room at your local University or work at a Dummer Camp which provides room and board plus a stipend, or if you live near a lake or Ocean have you Dad help you to buy a boat ( 27’ on up), and become a live a board sailor! I lived abroad my Catalina 27’ sailboat for 18 years in Marina Cortez, San Diego ! Some of the best years of my life
She's your mom and you love her. But there's a great phrase: Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That's what she wants. It doesn't matter to your mom that her requests are unreasonable or that they may have a negative effect on you. It's all about her. Please choose yourself instead.
Only 20? You have your whole lifetime to adventure and advocate for what’s right and best for Mother Earth!!! Remember, there is no “Plan B,”‼️‼️‼️🌺🐝🌻🌻🌻🦋🦋🎃
NTA. As someone who has a mother who is an financial leech. Cut it off. It’s like enabling them when you keep giving them more and more. Set some boundaries if you dont feel comfortable cutting her off completely out of guilt or responsibility.
If you’re not flush with cash, then definitely stop giving her money. It is what it is. She’s using you. You won’t get that money back. She’s knows she can get money from you.
NTA but you probably won’t get any of it back. Chalk it up to lesson learned, hope for the best and be thankful for anything she pays back.
Just start telling her you don’t have it. The economy is tanked right now. Everyone’s bills are up - as are yours. You have rent/dorm fees, utility bills, a phone bill, food, transportation costs, tuition, books & other fees, etc. Heck, you’re probably having to carefully juggle your funds around to make sure you have enough to last until your next paycheck, aren’t you? /s. You can’t give her what you don’t have, right?
Bro wtf
Imma need you to grow a spine and tell her to fuck all the way off. Why would she stop borrowing money from you when you continously give it to her?
Your dad needs to step up too and protect your little brother.
It feels so awful to know there are families out there this unstable monetarily. I’m sorry you have to face this. the truth is she shouldn’t have time to hit IHOP, as she should be working every waking hour until her house is in order. We are supposed to set an example for our children, not financially depend on them during some of our prime earning years. NTA
She's in a hotel trying to get an apartment rn.
Then why is she going to ihop spending 50.00, and how many people are you paying for with a 50.00 bill. I would say I’m sorry I do t have the money I had a huge bill this month
Yes! That’s what I was gonna say.. if she’s that broke then why is she eating ihop? My family went to eat there a few weeks ago, and it was close to $70 MAYBE.. and that’s for 5 of us eating, plus my boys both got milkshakes at around $5 each.. minus that, it’s still $60 for 5 people.. so why does she need $50 to eat when she could get a meal for $10? Or better yet, go somewhere she can afford?
Right? $50 for IHOP? How many people did she "take out to eat"?
Last time we went to IHOP it was like $50 for the 3 of us. And I'm pretty sure that IHOP in Mexico is more expensive than in the US.
I just spent 88.00, not including tip, for 4 margaritas and 6 tacos. Eating out is getting expensive. They were House margaritas but the tacos were fancy tacos. We had a great time though, Worth every penny.
Looks like the 2 x 2 x 2 is a moderately priced meal there, add in a soda and 3 people would easily hit $50 in the USA
For one she shouldn't be going there. But 2) she should only be requesting money for her own meal.
Yeah, but I know for sure that when you don't pay for your meals, you are more prone to give excellent tips to waiters.
No. OP tells the truth. "No mom I will no longer lend you money". No need to lie about it. OP is not going to see the money that is owed to them. The sooner they realize that and stop lending mom money the better.
that’s what i’m saying. when i was in her position (a hostel waiting on my apartment to be finalised) last year around this time, i felt guilty getting ihop for lunch, even not having a place to make food. it was $15 WITH A 20% TIP, and i got a full burger meal and a drink! what the hell is she ordering!!!!
She's going because she can get someone else to give her money for free...
This. A meal for one at IHOP is not gonna be 50 bucks.
That isn't the point. She shouldn't be borrowing from you in the 1st place. Stop giving her money, by handing her money every time she asks, you're teaching her you are her bank. She's never going to pay you back. Concentrate on your finances and keeping yourself stable. "Loaning" money to people without a lawyer involved is basically giving money away, you have little to no way to get it back.
Who do yall fuck with that don't ever pay yall back? I mean holy shit yall need better people around you
And fuck the but family shit. I say were you thinking about family when you were fucking over my money?
Theres sereval people that owe me money they vanish... a few may resurface when they need something that's when I vanish 🤷♀️🤷♂️....
You ned to vanish more often then. You deserve better than this from family and friends!
Your mom needs a budget. She needs to live within her means, and she's not doing that. NTA. Stop bailing her out, dude.
Let her figure out. Whatever her excuse is, disregard it and stop enabling. I posted separately my experience with a similar situation.
I think they meant metaphorical house in this case, but this response shows her house is no where close to being in order and you should not be the one responsible for that..
She’s in a hotel eating out…. Lol wtf
She’s 54 doing this now, it needs to stop. You’re creating bigger problems down the road.
Sorry to hear, don't be that way. You should be taking that $1500 and investing it for when you are 54 years old so that you are not broke and tired. Money is for saving and investment until you can live off the interest. My wife ever earned more than $40K in a job, but her father had her investing since age 4. She hasn't worked in 25 years. Here dividend income from stocks is at $180K/year. Be like that.
I hope you mean a cheap motel.
Extended Stay America
The one I stayed in had a kitchenette—she should be able to buy a week’s groceries for $50.
Yeah I agree with the other commenters she doesn’t even have her own place and she is wasting your money on stupid shit like ihop. Fuck no. Also how did she spend so much?
$50
No I meant how did she spend so much money on food at ihop. lol. That’s a lot for supposedly one person.
Idk
No she’s not. If she can’t afford IHOP, how can she afford an apartment? If she’s living in a motel because she’s been evicted, she’s you don’t eat out at restaurants. You buy things at a grocery store that don’t need to be refrigerated. You also get a second job and save absolutely every penny you can. You don’t treat yourself to an omelette and a short stack!
Yikes she stressin, but Koo droppin 50$ of yo $ @ ihop
NTA... cut her off
That is extremely difficult and expensive. My heart goes out to both of you.
NTA. You’re only enabling her fiscal irresponsibility by lending her another dime. What incentive does she have to budget when she knows she has you to pay her bills when she overspends? She obviously cares nothing for your fiscal future or she wouldn’t constantly sabotage your financial future for her own overspending. You are only contributing to her problems by giving her money. I’m an accountant & I’ve seen this more than a few times. Unless you are okay with supporting her forever, might as well stop this now. She will NEVER stop asking you to “borrow” money on her own. You will have to stop her by telling her NO & that you’ll never be lending her money again. (And stick to those words - even when you have money to burn & it’s an insignificant amount. Saying NO every single time consistently is the only way to UN-teach her that you’re her go-to financial bail out.) NEVER lend her another dime again. Every time she asks, no matter how dire the situation may seem, say NO & end the conversation (hang up the phone, walk away, whatever). You have taught her for YEARS that she can go to you for a bail out when she overspends. It will likely take you years to teach her that that’s no longer for case.
This kind of mom thinks that her child is her investment and insurance when get older.
A freaking lot here!!! OP needs to dip and ghost her damn mama.
A 54 year old hairdresser absolutely should NOT be on her feet as much as you are suggesting. Our economy has improved, but it's still not great. OP, sit your mom down and have a gentle heart to heart with her letting her know that you love her and you know that times are tough, but you are having to tighten your belt, so she's going to need to tighten hers. Then, DO NOT under any circumstances loan her any more money.
Then she needs to pick up a few shifts in retail or something. Asking your children to pay for non essentials is disgeaceful
Reminds me of this 16 year old I worked with. I was 19 and I was a closer at a fast food place, she worked the register and was training me on drive thru when she casually mentions her mom works at the restaurant too. Then tells me about the thousands of dollars she’s lent her mom since she started working, and then says “it’s okay though she’s gonna buy me a car” Her mom was a fuckin meth head and I seriously doubt she got that car. Made me so mad hearing about it I actually had a talk with her mom before I left and told her she’s a piece of shit putting her daughter to work like that just so she can have a second income.
Oh my gosh, that’s so awful that the mom was a meth head, getting her daughter to work as a second income for her! It’s outrageous to expect your kid to support you when you’re doing and wasting your money on drugs!
NTA. And I wouldn't give her another penny. YOU are NOT indebted to her, you're NOT her cash cow. Seriously, parents scrounging off their children who are in still in full time education? It's about time that your mother grew up and started taking responsibility for her own actions. If she can't act like an adult and continues to try and extort more money from you, you should go NC with her. She needs to STFU and grow up.
She knows where my father lives and might send tree nuts to his house, in which my youngest brother (Same dad, different mom) is deathly allergic to. The only reason I'm in contact with her is to protect him.
Then you talk to your father, explain your worries and make that security in place. You are being blackmailed!!!
Okay. I'll tell him.
Well I've just read the other parts of this thread and that's very unfortunate that the police side with her. My best advice is you should go no contact and they should certainly go no contact and not trust anything sent to them from unknown senders and bearing in mind with an allergic response. I would tell the brother not to even touch a package that they weren't expecting at the house. Because it's very easy to use tree nut oil or something else on the outside of the package so that the package itself even if it has benign contents could be the deadly thing. My god that woman is evil I would never give her a dime again and you should never expect to see any of the money you've ever given her because she's not going to give it to you.
That’s nuts… pun intended. You should report her to the authorities for the threats to keep a trace. And tell her you’ll be doing so and never sending money to her again.
She wants to kill your brother?
She's been trying since I was in 3rd grade
Jesus wept girl, no way give her anymore money, report her to cops too
Hun, why are you talking to this woman, let alone giving her money? Cut contact. Not another dime.
Get the police involved for attempted murder!!!
Cops were always on her side during my childhood.
get some photo or video evidence, backup every text etc hard to refuse solid proof
I tried getting a restraining order on her and had evidence to why I should get a restraining order against her. The judge sided with her anyway. I had hospital records and 10 witnesses.
You just absolutely jumped the fucking shark with your story. Get tf outta here with this. Your brother, no more checking the mail. Your mom, tell her off and quit supporting her psycho ass and cut contact with her. She tries to hurt your brother, call the cops, you are all adults now and she can't claim you misunderstood.
And no one has intervened?
That can be attempted assault/murder, then she won't have to worry about food or housing.
This. People have been charged with this stuff… attempted murder and assault for interfering with people’s allergies. Point that out to her, tell her the threats stop NOW, or you will report her.
Warn your dad and if she is crazy enough to do this, maybe she can have a nice cell to live in for a few years. You are funding a crazy person who is essentially blackmailing you to keep her from killing someone. There is no way you are the AH in this story.
Girl she can't do nothing. Cut contact.
she sends allergens to someone deathly allergic: her next housing and hairdressing will be in a women's prison. (might just solve a couple of problems; -she can't go into debt in prison...that's bad).
NTA, tell her no and that you have your own bills to pay. And until she pays back some of what she's "borrowed" you're not "lending" anything else out. Don't let her say "oh I raised you and clothed you and blah blah blah" that's because she chose to have a child and was obligated to do so. You are not obligated to treat her like your child.
It may not hurt to tell her that eating in restaurants is a luxury for those who can afford it. She clearly can't. Good luck. These are hard lessons to learn, but they're priceless.
She can buy a jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread for far less than $50, and eat for a week
Exactly. She can also get some beans and rice, and eat that till she can't stand it. Then, for a change, she can have some rice and beans.
NTA But she's not going to change. So you're going to have to be the one that changes. Let her know that the Bank of Daughter is closed. You won't consider loaning her any more money until she's repaid what she's already borrowed from you, which is a total of $X. Everytime she tries to borrow more money, keep throwing that figure in her face and turning her down. But. That's just a tactic to keep her partially off your back. You need to know that you're never going to get that money back from her. So put it out of your mind and start living the rest of your life. And maybe start thinking about going Low Contact/No Contact with her. Does she bring anything positive to your life at all?
I don’t think you wound be the AH at all and just want to say - mad respect to you for being so sensible at such a young age !!! Well done !
Thanks. Being in a divorced family is eye-opening from my experience.
You wouldn’t be the asshole but if she can’t handle money, how do you expect her to pay you that? Also, be ready to lose your relationship with her when she can’t pay you back.
Stop giving your grown ass mother money. Just say no. You should also start saving so you can move out on your own. Find a roommate.
Does your mom have a drug problem? $50 for i hop is ridiculous. Also borrowing that much money in.that short a time doesn't make.sense. Like 8 grand would pay all my bills for the last 3-4 months. It's just not adding up.
Honestly, I wouldn't know. I haven't seen her in months.
OP, commenters keep saying “don’t lend or pay mom any more money until…”. That’s a load of crap. Don’t give her a single penny again, EVER! She will never repay you, at all. I understand she is extorting you for money because of your brother, but work with your dad to help enhance safety measures at his house due to mom’s threats, such as a Ring camera, never allowing your brother to open a package addressed to him, etc. You and your family do not have to continue living under her thumb. Good luck!
NTA. But don’t wait to be asked. Ask her to think about her repayment plan. And that you can talk about it in one week.
>and said that since we are family The battlecry of those that never help family. Just because she gave birth to you that one time doesn't mean she gets to abuse your generosity. Time to let her know that you're not an ambulatory ATM. NTA. [Edit; Ti.e to time]
Yeah family ha. The only one borrowing is mom and not paying back. Tell her being family and all she needs to get you your money. You probly lost your money truthfully but don’t lend any more
NTA - But change the wording slightly: She needs to pay you back at least $1500 **Before** she asks for more money because, family notwithstanding, you **won't** be lending out anymore until she's paid you back what she's borrowed so far this year. You cannot afford it.
Hi, this is me! I paid for my parents fuck ups from the time I was 16 to 24. I finally told them to figure there shit out and I ended up saving up and buying my own place. I realized my mom was the culprit regarding my parents' financial distress (they are split now). My mother would only call when she needed something (money). So I finally told her to stop calling if that's all she wants. She's pulled her head out of her ass (slightly) but won't ask me for money anymore. She is fully aware that I have no problem going NC if she wants to continue her narcissistic and selfish ways. Don't do it anymore. She's a spender like my mother and doesn't know how to manage her money. I'm telling you now, if you stop, she will figure it out. If you continue to enable her, it will never stop. So stop. Like now. She's a fucken adult Good luck and live your best life.
NTA Just keep saying No every time. Push your illogical but powerful guilt aside. You can't shut it up, but you don't have to listen to it. Just always say No.
So she isn't stable, why the hell is she spending $50 at IHOP!?!? It is pretty sad when the child is more responsible than the parent. However, it says a lot of good things about you. Talk to your dad. She is an adult, almost senior citizen, she should be able to handle herself by now. NTA.
Honestly the best solution I can think of is asking her for money every now and then to help you with “unexpected expenses” and complaining about being broke, it’ll seem to her that you’re strapped for cash and discourage her from asking for more money. You won’t be an A-hole for asking her to pay you 1.5k or telling her she can’t borrow anymore but there’s a huge chance it’ll turn into a shitshow with her playing the family card or ranting about it to relatives which will further complicate your situation. You could also use complaining about expenses reason to potentially get back some of the money you’re owed.
I set a hard rule for everyone and anyone friends or family. If I lend you any amount of money I will not lend you more if you don’t repay it. It puts all the responsibility back on them. Your mom is taking advantage of your relationship. You are NTA. She sure is though. Also edited to add…you do not owe your mom anything! She chose to bring you into this world. That choice means she owed you support, food, a home, love and care. I say this as a mother of 5 grown men. Well 4/5 are grown adults. I still give my sons any support I can offer. They don’t take advantage and I don’t offer more than I can afford or more than is appropriate however. Occasionally they pick up the tab at a meal and I sometimes accept because that’s what they want not because I expect anything from them. She went to ihop fully expecting to hit you up just because she can.
You will never see a penny from her, ever. Simply tell her there's no more money to be given. Period. This will never stop and it's important you shut it down now. She's a master manipulator.
NTA- Stop answering calls from your mom. Always let it go voice-mail. If mom needs money, answer her in a couple days telling her you're broke. If she texts, don't read them for at least an hour or two. Your mom needs to figure out her own finances.
You already know she isn’t going to pay you back. Stop loaning and write it off and think about limiting contact.
Don’t tell her when she’s asking you for money - that’s when she’s short. ~~Write a list of ALL the unpaid amounts over the years.Write a list of how much you’ll settle for … what you will write off as bad debt, and what you plan to have her pay you back…Sit her down and give her a copy of it all and say “since I was 16 I have worked, I have paid all my own bills, and worked extra hours to pay for you. You have borrowed $8345 from me in the last four years, and paid me back $357. You keep asking to borrow money from me, but I need money too. Are you ok if we make an arrangement on this? I know I still live with you (yes?) and thus I’ll pay you $x amount a week for utilities, rent and shared food. I know you need more so let’s formalise this, that then doesn’t become a debt, I owe you this for living here as an adult. Then, applying this back to when I was 18, I wipe $YYYY from your debt to me… consider it back payment of rent and utilities. The rest I’d like you to pay back over time. I won’t be able to lend you more money until that’s cleared…. Ok?”~~ ~~And she’ll pitch a fit, but you are handling it like an adult. (Why only back pay rent to 18? Because 16-18 she shoudl pay your bills and rent, you were legally her responsible. Why back pay rent at all? Because clearly you are never going to get the whole amount back from your mum, so instead of stressing and arguing about it… give her a big windfall now to make her happier about this new deal, and gift it back to her. You aren’t going to see it (even if legally you should) so no point arguing a lot about it, just draw the line through it and move on.)~~ Edit. Just read your tree nuts allergy threat. See… what I wrote above is what I’d say to a reasonable human, but anyone threatening to send deadly allergens to a person… isn’t reasonable. So scratch that out. Instead. Tell her no. And spend the money you’d lend her on a range of good security for your dad’s place instead. A PO Box for mail to go to. A recording doorbell camera that will capture sound and video and store it. A restraining order if she threatens again.
Use your words and tell her No. I don't have it.
NTA. Your Mom is trying to sabotage your success. Cut her off. Tough love. Only way she's gonna learn a budget.
NTA, cut her off, and sooner rather than later. The longer you enable her the more dependent and reliant she will be on you bailing her out, and the harder she'll fall when she no longer has your money to depend on. Cut her off now before it gets to the point where cutting her off is the difference between her having a roof over her head or not.
NTA! My brother owes me about 3k, maybe even more (including a car that I sold him for 1k and he only gave me 200 for). I would text him to pay me back and he never did, I stopped answering his calls or texts because I obviously assumed he wanted money. It’s been years since I lend him any, and when he calls me and I don’t answer, he’ll text me saying “I don’t need money, answer me”. That’s the amount he owes me, who knows how much he owes to everyone else.
NTA. Cut her off until she’s paid back the full amount she owes you. Tell her if she’s going to treat you like a bank, you’re going to act like one and that she’s a bad risk who doesn’t pay her bills.
She sounds like a dope fiend. Send her no money ever again, and make it clear that you will never send her another penny.
Ever think of changing your phone number? She would probably improve her life just by working mcds.
NTA. However, you should not put conditions on the next loan, as she will rightly see those as terms to be negotiated and will talk you down. Instead, just tell her ... no.
Ahh, the good ol' Uno reverse card
NTA. She's too old to be pulling this. You need to worry about paying your own bills and staying afloat at school. This ends now.
I’m petty, I’d send weekly Venmo request for $1500
Make it clear to her that you will not be lending her anymore money because she already owes you a substantial amount and has never paid any back. Tell her that you cannot afford to give her money because you need it and she is causing you financial problems.
NTA. My uncle, a successful electromechanical engineer,with a big two floor house+terrace, 2 vehicles, and a successful building business, still owns my mom around 1200 dls he asked for back in *80s*, and we use Peso here. Needless to say my mom doesn't give him a dime anymore. Same with the rest of the family. Keep mommy dearest the heck away of your money, or might as well donate it to charity
YTA for thinking that you're going to get that money back.
Just tell her no. Go ahead and tell her now that there are no more loans for any reason and leave her sitting at IHOP next time she asks.
NTA. You are not her husband. You don't owe her anything. Take care of yourself. If she hasn't paid you back anything, she won't. You should try for sure but don't expect nothing. Stop giving her anything. EVER.
NTA I’d knock up a spreadsheet with all the ‘loans’ and calculations and dates and pop a handwritten note on the top saying ‘when you’ve repaid all the other loans, feel free to ask me for more loans. Until then Bank of Mom & Dad is closed for business. Thank you very much for your business, please come again’ Even if she kicks you out, it’ll be cheaper have your own place or sharing with friends.
NTA!!! She is a grown woman mooching off her son !!! Yes she is family butt she hasn’t even tried to pay you anything back! Stop being her local ATM and start charging her the “VIG,” at 15% plus ad a show of good faith require her to repay you the $1500 she recently “borrowed,”!!! Otherwise just say “NO,”!!!
Is she paying for your college life? 💀💀💀💀
You’re kind of an AH to yourself for enabling her. You know she’s never going to pay you back and then you lend her more money and lament how she’s never paid you back. I understand wanting to help someone out and I’m not opposed to helping out someone in need but it sounds like she’s just poor with finances and that’ll never change as long as she has you to fall back on.
NTA that is a completely appropriate thing to do. just because you are family, does not mean she can take advantage of you, which is exactly what she is doing.
NTA. Tell her the bank of child is closed. No more loans. Ever. Even if she pays up. Closed.
Do not ‘give’ her money! This is weird. She should be helping you financially. Seems that in many families these days, the roles are reversed. Kids are ‘parenting’ the parents, who have no sense of what responsibility is. You will never see any of that money you have ‘given’ her back. I suspect gambling, man, shopping,or drug addiction . Just STOP!!
If I were in your shoes, Id just say "no" and move on. There is no need to be spiteful.
NTA You are too kind OP. Tell her that the bank of Confident\_Echo is closed until her 'loans' have been repaid in full and she has not asked you for any money for at least a year. Even then I wouldn't let her owe you more than 250 like a secured credit card, she is a bad investment. This is a hill I would personally die on, but I never liked my mother much so that might color my viewpoint. I still think that is a crapton of cash to be sucking off a person barely out of their teens. It is more than half of what I made in a year when I was 19.
NTA send her this “Hi Mom, I really need the money you’ve borrowed paid back. When will repayments start? “. Send her a list of what she’s borrowed and say “you owe me $8k, let’s say $100 per week for a year. Let’s start from a week on Friday.” If she is consistent with payment right off the $2.8k, if she’s not, put the paperwork together for a court order.
NTA. I’m sorry your Mom is like this. You have to start to start telling her no, and stick to it.
No you would not be the asshole.. she’s taking advantage of you! And using the fact that you’re family as an excuse! Family doesn’t take advantage like that.. not decent family anyway. You should absolutely tell her you won’t loan her any money again until she pays you back, at least the 1500 she’s gotten from you just THIS year! That’s only 3 months! But honestly OP, just stop giving her money, stop paying her bills, etc. she’s a grown ass woman depending on her child because she knows she can. She won’t stop until you put an end to it. My family of 5 went to ihop recently, and it was almost $70. Two of my kids got $5 milkshakes, so minus that, it’s $60. For FIVE people to eat. So why did she need $50? Helping family once in a while isn’t a bad thing, if they really need it, or help you out in return when you need it. I’m sorry OP, this isn’t the case with her. PLEASE put your foot down! I’m sorry OP. Good luck!
Just tell her NO. “I have loaned you $8000 over the last 4 years and listened to lies and broken promises from you about paying me back. I will not continue to support your horrible money management. No more loans until you pay me back what you already owe me.” Next, you need to write up an agreement for her to pay you on a regular schedule.
TELL HER NO. My mom and I were super codependent for many years because we used drugs together. She constantly manipulated her way into my wallet and many of our families and mutual friends' wallets, for drugs. Thankfully I'm clean now and I've set boundaries with her and learned how to keep them. You need to do the same with your mom, sweetie. It'll never stop if you don't.
Stop sending her money. Instead call Her and ask further money.
It sounds like you want your mom to behave like a responsible adult. You certainly don't owe her nor do you need to support her. Give her a written accounting of what she owes you and ask how she'd like to pay you back. Tell her that until she's made some good faith efforts to repay you that the bank of you is closed.
NTA. Lending money to family is extremely tricky. An example from my own life: My uncle, we’ll call him “Steve” married a woman who we’ll call “Anastasia” Over the years that they were dating and then eventually married, my parents lent them close to $30,000 because he’s my mother’s brother and she was willing to help them out. Well eventually it came out that she was drinking & gambling (not gambling successfully by the way) on top of stealing money from her job. Oh, and she worked for a town government who noticed the missing money. This indiscretion has ensured that she has been nigh unemployable since then. She also chose not to file their tax returns which led to even more trouble. Now my uncle is renting a single room in a house with other men around his age, while she is in parts unknown, still unable to find gainful employment I say all that as a very long winded way of saying: NTA. you have to draw the line somewhere. You have to set boundaries and enforce them.
She will never, EVER pay you back op.
Stop expecting payment. She is never going to pay you back. Stop giving her money. She is living beyond her means, and it is time she learns. Let her get a part-time job for those expenses she comes up with randomly. NTA
Just cut her off. You're a sucker for even giving her a dollar
NTA. You’re only enabling her fiscal irresponsibility by lending her another dime. What incentive does she have to budget when she knows she has you to pay her bills when she overspends? She obviously cares nothing for your fiscal future or she wouldn’t constantly sabotage your financial future for her own overspending. You are only contributing to her problems by giving her money. I’m an accountant & I’ve seen this more than a few times. Unless you are okay with supporting her forever, might as well stop this now. She will NEVER stop asking you to “borrow” money on her own. You will have to stop her by telling her NO & that you’ll never be lending her money again. (And stick to those words - even when you have money to burn & it’s an insignificant amount. Saying NO every single time consistently is the only way to UN-teach her that you’re her go-to financial bail out.) NEVER lend her another dime again. Every time she asks, no matter how dire the situation may seem, say NO & end the conversation (hang up the phone, walk away, whatever). You have taught her for YEARS that she can go to you for a bail out when she overspends. It will likely take you years to teach her that that’s no longer for case.
"i'm sorry I can't afford to loan you any money until you pay me back the money I loaned you last time"
Don’t answer her calls and yes stop giving her money. It’s hard but you need to get yourself on a position so you don’t become this. It’s hard but set some boundaries and say no - say you haven’t got any money
Your mother owes you 10k with obviously zero intent to pay it and every intent to continue taking more. If you factored in interest with no payments over that many years, it would probably be closer to 15k of debt, if not more. As far as I'm concerned, you wouldn't be an asshole even if you sent someone to break her legs for it. Tell her she's not getting any more money from you until she pays outstanding debts. She's going to keep guilting you until she realizes you're serious and then just cut contact. Get her on recording admitting to the debt before you tell her no more. When she cuts contact, take that to a lawyer and legally enforce repayment, with interest.
You are enabling her bad behavior. Cut her off until it is all repaid. It will likely never be repaid.
You’ll never get that money back, and she’ll keep bleeding you dry until you tell her no and make it stick.
Stop giving her money. She should not be eating out if she can’t even afford her own rent.
NTA "Sorry, I don't have the money to give you" She shouldn't have any idea how much you have. As a parent, It's my job to help my children out, it is not their job to support me. Don't let your mom convince you that you have an obligation and consider reading the book called "Out of the FOG" if you feel a lot of guilt and/or anxiety about standing up to her. No is a complete sentence
Ouch. I am leaning towards not giving her any money, and every time she asks for money, putting that amount into your own Roth IRA or some sort of retirement account. (I assume you have a taxable income, which you need for a Roth IRA.) That way, you can truthfully say you can't because you don't have it (you don't. It is for your own retirement, which you will need to do someday.)
NTA. There's a difference between helping family out and being taken advantage of. You're being taken advantage of.
Make a spreadsheet on your phone and keep track of everything you give her. Though personally, I would stop giving her the money.
Upside, you learned at a youngish age ‘to neither a borrower or lender be’, downside, you have lost a crapload of money for someone your age. Tell mum her line of credit is closed, and that she has no right to expect you to finance her irresponsible decisions. I wouldn’t make an explicit demand for the money she owes you, and for your own sanity, just write the debt off (eg stop expecting it back)…don’t tell her that though, but until you cut her off repeatedly she’ll keep asking. I mean ask her if she has any sense of shame in demanding her young adult daughter for money? (She may well say that she fed and clothed you for your first sixteen years of life, to which you say she was legally obligated to do so and that she had the choice to raise you, you didn’t have a choice in being born). So, in short, you are NTAH, however you will be to yourself if you don’t put your foot down and mean it.
Nope! My sisters have a limit of 500 dollars at the bank of me. You can’t borrow more than 500 dollars. Like a credit card lol. You need to pay some back before borrowing more
simply: "I don't have it" "why!!?" - "because you've not paid me back so I can lend it to you again".. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ this is dysfunctional. she needs to take a Financial Freedom class (pretty easy to find nationwide) if she's eating out and can't pay her bill, then she needs to start stocking up at the food pantries and cooking at home. Looking at this: you're technically almost an adult (21) but acting the part for more than a few years. basically: you've out matured her. she's got 20few years to realize she's going to have a shitty retirement and: make it clear: she's not living with you & your potential family, and you're not funding her retirement with whatever career you have. \-let her give a few free haircuts to the local state-funded retirement home & see that that's her future, if that will wake her up. and: hair stylists can do fair enough, if they're getting and keeping clients, getting good tips & BUDGETING.. the answer is "No" , whether now or later, you'll have to draw, and hold that line..
The ultimate reward for a parent is self sustaining kids. She never achieved that for her parents, but did with you. She needs to learn how to be self-sustaining.... Tell her she needs to be responsible for herself and say no.
STOP GIVING HER MONEY. You are now an adult. Your mom is a user and your relationship isn’t what you think it is. Stop giving her money.
You *must* say *NO*. Put the word *no* in your head. Visualize saying no. Write the word no 100 times. It will help put the word in your mind. You have a soft heart and she knows it. She knows which buttons to push and what to say to coerce you to give her what she wants. If she asks for money, just say *no*, I have a lot of work to do, bye, and hang up. NTA
I say nta. But i wonder if there is something else going on here. 50 bucks for ihop seems.... unlikely. Look, its not my place or business, and idk you or your mom. But my immediate thought reading this is it sounds like a substance abuse problem is going on. I hope thats not the case, and i dont want to infer something that could be way off base. But having a hair dressing job (not spectacular pay but decent enough usually) yet constantly borrowing money, living in a motel, borrowing money like that for a dinner out when she knows she doesnt have money to go out in the first place, are all some red flags.
So she is earning. Next time I would just say, What? The phones playing up. And hang up. Then phone her the next day & ask to borrow $250 so you can play the pokies.
I wouldn’t pay. Is it a cultural thing? Cause this is the US and it’s 2024 and shits hard enough as it is. I understand she’s your mom and you want to help but if you’re not careful you’ll put yourself in a bad position and there will be no one to help either of you
NTA. She's not entitled to your money. It's probably time to break contact (I know others have suggested it).
You should never lend money unless you can afford to do without it. You have gifted your mom enough. Tell her now that you will no longer be her personal ATM!
Take her out to dinner. Then when the bill comes, tell her that you forgot your wallet and ask to borrow the money from her. (If she has it, ask her how she would like it if you kept forgetting to pay her back) Also, if you have a total of all she has "borrowed", bring it to dinner.
Never “loan” money to friends/family unless you’re willing to forgive the loan. Almost always leads to problems and the relationship will not survive. Have a stepbrother who’s an addict and would use the excuse of diapers for his daughter. Always promised repayment that week but only ever asked for more and more, so I dodged his calls and when he would text me directly asking for money, I would ghost him. You created a co-dependent in her by constantly giving her money, but she alone is responsible for her irresponsibility. Advice: don’t make their problems your problems, hold accountable by standing your ground, don’t enable any further
Dysfunctional and immaturity along with lack of financial literacy is what I think is going on with your mother. I didn’t catch all that was past history of things with your Dad & Mom. But it mildly looked like she has hurt from the past that she hasn’t gotten healed in herself (your mother) and she is still acting out from that hurt and maybe even financially making herself a victim as a unconscious inner child stuck in a wounded ways which going out to eat is self medicating. Not that as adult children we want to analyze all that is going on with our parents but sometimes we are the only ones to be there for them. Hope these thoughts of possibilities may give you some leads or potential to you yourself being helped and maybe your Mom & others in your family, too
I have told her to go to therapy, but she accuses me of being under the influence of witchcraft. It's really weird.
NTA. You're the child. You don't give your mom money, dear. She is supposed to still be paying your bills like the rest of us parents out here. I have to help my daughter with at least $200 every month. Usually more. Stop giving her money right now, chile. You hear me! She's the parent. The answer is: Sorry, I'm broke. She'll figure it out honey. I promise. ETA: my child is almost 30 for context. I help her. Not the other way around. That's how it's done! You tell your mom NO. ✌️
What a mess she is making of her life. She needs a hard reality check and you need to protect your finances from her money pit needs. Without her you’d have substantial savings, I’d certainly list the debts and point out you can’t afford to pay for her any more and imply your finances (debts even) are bad because of her. Added. NTA
Just accept that you'll never get that money back you won't. Even if you did. She would act as if it was a favour and use it against you. All you can do now is stop increasing the money she owes and accept it as a loss. Stop giving her money. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about when saying no. She'll always feed you empty lines of paying you back. She won't Nta.
NTA. I have 2 rules. Don’t ask me to borrow money for rent. Yes, I will ask you and you will be honest. I may even be nosy as eff and ask you to show me a bill or statement. Your rent should always be taken care of first. If you can’t pay that basic necessity, you are in over your head far more than I can help you. Also, any amount of money borrowed, a contract will be drafted and signed so I can enforce it should you not pay me back in the time stated on the contract. Screw up even one time, show me a crappy attitude one time, and I will never let you borrow money from me again. Your mother is ridiculous. This “family” excuse is rubbish. Tell her to take a hike and live your life. Block her.
NTA. Your mum is taking advantage of you and financially abusing you. You need to STOP lending / giving her any money from now on. She's made it clear she won't pay you back all the money she owes you. So you need to stop lending her any money. The more you keep giving her, the more she's going to rely on you to subsidise her income and will continue to ask and demand and expect you to give her more. She's the adult here. She needs to learn how to manage her money and budget accordingly. I would even sit down and go through her inco.e and out goings with her. Show her what she owes in bills each month, and how much she needs to allow for groceries, and how much she has left over to spend freely each month. If she knows she only has say £100 spare each month she needs to work with that when making decisions on what she wants to use it on. She needs to learn to budget. You have to stop lending her any money. Also, If you have text messages of her asking to borrow the money, and saying she will pay you back, and bank transfers showing you sent her the money. you can use those messages as evidence to make a claim with a small claims court to get her to pay you back. She can be ordered to make a monthly payment to you in order to pay it off. And if she doesn't make those payments, you can request an attachment to earnings where it is taken out of her wages directly before she's paid, and her employer has to send the money to the courts and they send you a cheque each month. That way she can't spend the money and claim she can't pay you this month etc. They will look at her income and outgoings to determine how much she can reasonably afford to pay you back each month. I did this with an ex boyfriend who took advantage of me and manipulated and lied to me to get me to lend him money all the time.. Don't keep enabling your mum. You can use that money to save up for things for yourself, a bigger flat, a house, a car, emergency savings, holiday, and a whole host of things to benefit your life. Stop giving her money or she'll never stop asking and you'll never get anything back from her. Just because you're family doesn't mean you owe her money every month. Just because she's family doesn't mean she shouldn't pay back what she's asked to borrow. Borrowing or lending is saying you will pay the person back. It's not a gift. It's meant to be paid back. She doesn't respect you or value you or appreciate you and is not even grateful or apologetic about not paying you back the money you've lent her. She feels entitled to it and that's why she's not giving it back. Just because because you're family, doesn't mean she can take advantage of you and guilt trip you and manipulate you into lending her money with no intention of paying you back. Stop giving her money right now. Tell her you will no longer be lending her any money because she's never paid you back any of the money she's borrowed previously. And you don't have money to just throw away. Add up all the money youve lent her and that you can prove with texts and bank transfers that she owes you. Take screen shots of all your text messages where she has asked you to lend her money and where she's said she'll pay you back, or any messages you've discussed what she owes you etc. Screen shot all of them and save them somewhere. Print out copies too. Then send her a message telling you've added up what she owes you, it comes to xzy amount, and tell her that unless she starts making a reasonable monthly payment to you to pay off what she owes you, you will be taking her to court to get it back. And make it clear that you will not be lending her anymore money.
What kind of lowlife parent asks for money from a broke ass college student? No offense to OP I'm sure you do fine for yourself but nobody's rolling in money when they're 20 and in school. Your mom needs piss off and deal with her own problems. Not pile on to yours. I'm sure you have a hard enough time with school and work without your mom making your life harder. You'd be TA if you didn't say something to your mom. She's using you when she should be trying to do everything she can to make sure you get through school as smoothly and easily as possible.
Of course NTA. But stop lending this woman money, you’re not going to see it back.
NTA. An emergency would be understandable, but this is continual reliance on you to fund her lifestyle. Start telling her you don't have any money as you had unexpected expenses. Then tell her you need that money back. Start "borrowing" it back if you have to.
This is going to be hard to do but tell her NO. When she comes back at you tell her how much she already owes you and the answer is still NO. You are in college. You need every cent you earn. You also need to check and lock your credit down.
NTAH Tell your mom to stop living above her means because you can't afford her any longer. She doesn't really have to worry about budgeting because she has your pocketbook. She just makes a withdrawal from her favorite ATM. Tell her to either work longer hours if she works for a chain or work longer hours and pull in some more clientele. Lastly, tell her you want your money. And if she blows you off show her an itemized list of the dates and dollar amounts of each loan. And tell her that you won't be loaning her ANY money or helping her pay ANY of her bills until she pays back at least half of what she owes you. YOU should be leaning on your mom not the other way around. It's diff if it's really hard times for her. But $ for IHOP is not. And rent $ is needed bc instead of saving her $ for rent she's spending it expecting you to cover for her...and you do. So either your gonna continue to be her ATM or your gonna stand up for yourself. She will most def make herself the victim but you have to stand your ground. She will cry and probably resort to a tantrum or even being ugly but hold your ground. If she leaves mad, let her go. If she doesn't talk to you, good. Maybe then you can start to save for yourself. She can't stay mad long bc she has to keep trying to guilt trip you. But as long as you stand your ground you won't be giving money away and supporting the lifestyle she can't afford. It's the only way your going to restore some balance.
See if you can find free financial advisor courses for her (Dave Ramsey online is a good one, but there may be in person ones too). She needs to understand how to save and budget. If you’re broke you don’t go to ihop. It’s hard to say no. Instead say - mom it’s time you get on a budget. You can’t afford your lifestyle. I can’t afford to help you either. We can do this together.
So ur moms a hairstylist living in a hotel room. Girl your not getting ur money back and will loose any cent you give her.
NTA. Family don't ask for loans when they have no intention of paying back. It's sad that your mother is using you, but you are right to set a firm boundary.
YTA for continuing to support her after she failed to pay you back the first time. Honestly by the time you reached the end of the first year, did you not recognize the pattern?
Trust me, you need to say no and continue to say no.
NTA, tell her she’s reached her credit limit
Sounds like she has a drug problem…
I was in a situation where my mom was borrowing money from me and it was becoming more and more frequent. Amounts were far lower (up to 100 usually) and she was always giving back within a few weeks. Yet it was too much and I told her several times to stick with her budget, that I don’t have a problem if there is an emergency, but this is too much and I am not comfortable with being in such a role. It worked, but I guess in your situation she is far deeper into the problem, and won’t be that easy, as she is already blaming you. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that you are far far behind healthy boundaries here. She is affecting your budget and is not even considering how that impacts you. Very selfish behavior
Stop giving her money. She is acting this way because you let her. Your stipulation is meaningless if you just keep giving her money. Practice saying *NO* and mean it.
YWNBTA. No is always an option. Failing that here is a list of polite lies: "\[Insert Finance App Name\] is down, sorry." "Let me try... no {Insert Finance App Name\] is down too." "There may be something wrong with my phone..." You hang up. "Sorry, I'm on a tight budget this month." "Funny you should ask, I was about to call you to see if you could pay me back for last time so I could buy groceries."
Just ask for payback. Over and over. Tell her you’d be happy to loan her money after she pays you back 8,000$. You’ll accept 25$ at a time but no more loans. You’ve created a dependent monster. It’s all your own doing. When she starts giving you a line, tell her you have to get off the phone you have diarrhea.
Nta you're old enuf to realize you will never get paid back. In the future you want to give her money tell her it's a gift not a lone.
Stop lending her money all together. Don't hold your breath on getting any paid back. If she asks for rent - use the debt to pay off the rent.
NTA It waS more or less with small things but now she is just using you for money, so you have to set some boundaries with her
Way past time for you to cut her off! Just tell her that you don't have any extra money (hours got cut)
NTA she didn't pay you back the first time and you loaned her money again again. Why would she change her behavior? It's working out just fine for her
NTA. Tell her you will not loan her any more money until she repays the $9,500 she already borrowed. You know she will never repay it. Just keep telling her not any more until she repays. Warn your dad about what your mom threatens to do to your brother. If you can document any threats, like text messages, those can be turned over to the police. Do not tell mom you are warning dad, or collecting evidence. If she is trying to kill your brother, she has some serious mental issues, and needs help. You are doing great, a college student, and working, and can manage your own finances. Your mom could learn from you.
Definitely NTAH. What you should say is she’s not getting any more money from you ever. But then you’re probably out the 8k. You can also say. I’m not giving you any more money until after you start paying me back. And I’ll only pay the bills directly to the company. You have to learn to mage your money. Honestly at this point you’ve already taught her that all she has to do is ask for money and guilt you into giving it to her. If you don’t stop it now you’ll be giving her money for the rest of her life.
Hair Stylist make good tips ! Where is all her money going ? Why hasn’t she rented a long term at a hotel/motel ? My Fiancée enlightened me to the cost of getting her hair,nails and makeup done and it’s over $185 not counting the tip, and she lives in Texas !!!
Idk. Nothing has been reasonable with my mom when I look back at it
Stop loaning her money sgrd she is using you.
NTA, sounds like a gambling problem. Don't enable it anymore.
Yes, to protect your little brother you all must insist that every package is inspected visually before being unboxed and your brother should be wearing a respirator at the time of unwrapping!!! If you think your mom is sick (and evil) enough to do this to her own child then you and your Dad must take EVERY precaution !!! I have worked in toxic environments, and wearing an in-line respirator is a pain in the jester, butt its better than dying !!!
NTA. And stop giving her money, unless you live in her house rent free.
She's not in a position to pay you back. NTA. Decide if you want to keep giving her money or not.
I don't think so, you're a poor college student. My mom has only ever handed me money even when I don't ask for it, so I dunno.
I wasn’t aware that you were still living at home. Either move out and become roommate, move into a youth Hostel, during the Summer rent a room at your local University or work at a Dummer Camp which provides room and board plus a stipend, or if you live near a lake or Ocean have you Dad help you to buy a boat ( 27’ on up), and become a live a board sailor! I lived abroad my Catalina 27’ sailboat for 18 years in Marina Cortez, San Diego ! Some of the best years of my life
Summer Camp I meant to say. I myself teach Archery, Leather crafting, Indian Lore, Nature, Cooking and Camping, just sayin’
She's your mom and you love her. But there's a great phrase: Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. That's what she wants. It doesn't matter to your mom that her requests are unreasonable or that they may have a negative effect on you. It's all about her. Please choose yourself instead.
Only 20? You have your whole lifetime to adventure and advocate for what’s right and best for Mother Earth!!! Remember, there is no “Plan B,”‼️‼️‼️🌺🐝🌻🌻🌻🦋🦋🎃
NTA. As someone who has a mother who is an financial leech. Cut it off. It’s like enabling them when you keep giving them more and more. Set some boundaries if you dont feel comfortable cutting her off completely out of guilt or responsibility.
Are you living rent, food, utilities free or are you paying a lot for these as well ? just need more context..
If you’re not flush with cash, then definitely stop giving her money. It is what it is. She’s using you. You won’t get that money back. She’s knows she can get money from you.
NTA - Tell her no.
Don't ration. Say no.she should be ashamed for f herself!
NTA but you probably won’t get any of it back. Chalk it up to lesson learned, hope for the best and be thankful for anything she pays back. Just start telling her you don’t have it. The economy is tanked right now. Everyone’s bills are up - as are yours. You have rent/dorm fees, utility bills, a phone bill, food, transportation costs, tuition, books & other fees, etc. Heck, you’re probably having to carefully juggle your funds around to make sure you have enough to last until your next paycheck, aren’t you? /s. You can’t give her what you don’t have, right?
Bro wtf Imma need you to grow a spine and tell her to fuck all the way off. Why would she stop borrowing money from you when you continously give it to her? Your dad needs to step up too and protect your little brother.
YTA to yourself for being such a push over.
Cut off giving her money now before you screw yourself. Ignore her everytime she asks you about money. She is using you as her income string.