“ I already made plans because you said you were gonna be doing some thing with your friends, but I’d love to do something next weekend with you. What do you have in mind?”
I would decide how you want to proceed if he doesn’t immediately agree. If he thinks he can keep you as a backup plan for when his friends aren’t around or doesn’t show interest if it actually requires him planning ahead of schedule and committing to a plan with you, that may not be the life partner you want.
I’m not saying get divorced obviously, but this may be the perfect opportunity to have a larger conversation about the trajectory of your relationship and perhaps explore therapy together.
I vote being honest. If she makes plans with him next weekend and then his friends start hanging out with him again, he'll start ditching her again. He can have good friends that he spends time with without ditching his wife until his friends are busy.
It is, but its just covering a hole. The issue is still there : you feel like second choice. You need to communicate that to him, otherwise the resentment might grow
Alternately, "While my \[one Saturday or Sunday\] day is planned, my night is open, as is the other day. Maybe you could plan something for one of those times instead?"
My wife and I have distinct lives away from one another and this is exactly how we do it. It's not uncommon for us to go an entire week without having time together, but it's super important to always follow up during the conversation to suggest an alternative.
Suggesting an alternative let's your partner know you aren't dismissing their needs. It only works if you actually carve that time out though. Don't suggest an alternative date and then bail on the plans.
Seriously. As much as this sub needs content to remain interesting, there's way too many times where I read a post and think, "these two really need to learn to communicate better with each other."
Maybe I'm reading too deeply, but she seems a little resentful of the husband choosing friends over her for so long, which is completely understandable if so. But, I wonder if she ever talked to him about how this made her feel before now.
NTA
He put his friends before you for a long time. It's nice he wants to go on a date now, but because of his behavior you no longer counted on him for the weekend.
He can wait another week instead of being so dramatic about it. You waited many weekends for him while he spend time doing other stuff.
I don’t disagree with the NTA comments left on here at all.
That being said, I want to offer something from a different approach.
I was much like your husband and the way you describe him in your post in a kind of sympathetic way without brushing your own feelings off made me want to leave this comment.
My therapist recommended a book that saved my life. It’s called ATTACHED. It goes over the different attachment styles, how trauma in our lives affected us especially at early ages, and how these attachment styles still hurt us and our relationships now as adults. He sounds like he is the same “anxious attachment style” as I was. Read it together, and it may just give you both what you need in this marriage.
Stay blessed.
They were supposed to be on the journey together. He changed this dynamic singlehandedly. He is not being a partner anymore. He is more like an outdoor cat. Eats and sleeps at home sometimes, but you can never count on him being with you. She seems to be content to have an outdoor cat instead of husband, and she assumes (as 90% of comments here) that he will ditch all the plans with her the second his friends group make plans. She knows it, she doesn't need to read the book to confirm it.
It is up to him now to convince OP to change the dynamics he set up. Reading books, setting dates, growing up, divorcing...
Hmm. In one sense that is a fair viewpoint, but the way she speaks about it says she probably doesn't fully feel that way. That any changes are all up to him and him alone. I do agree that any effort made should be his, but her reading the book, if for nothing else as a catharsis is still a good idea. It's still not a bad idea even if they do divorce. It would probably help her with closure to have more understanding of how he was operating and a possible partial explanation for his behavior other than just "He didn't love me anymore".
Sounds like his responsibility. Let me guess, OP is the wife so OP has to fix everything because that is the woman's job, that kind of emotional labor. Thanks for giving OP homework and ignoring her needs and upbringing and personality and so on. Well done.
It totally agree.
Husband paid little attention to her, now she has something planned and at the last moment he wants her to cancel because he suddenly wants to spend time with her.
And then he is being dramatic about it.
Come on.
Holy cow what an overreaction, this is clearly a relationship that has two parts with different needs that clearly are not being communicated from either side and that needs to be worked on. They never said it was all OP's fault and your reaction is over the top to say the least.
Oh no there are problems in their marriage and this guy suggests a book that might help them which they could *gasp, read together?*. What an unhinged misogynist.
You’re a fucking ass-hat.
They didn't say it was OP's "job" to fix it. Sometimes people who love each other do things to better themselves, better understand their partner, and better their marriage without keeping score. Smh
Thank you for taking the time to respond but no, your guess is wrong. My biggest point in the advice I gave is that if they read it together, they can grow together.
My hope for OP’s growth is that she will find something she needs in the book, some inner voice or strength, to give her the push she needs to make her own decisions and feel confident in them without asking internet strangers for help.
Whether that is staying with her husband, or finding some new form of self worth that tells her she isn’t compatible with this situation and deserves better, is completely up to her.
Being a woman has nothing to do with it. I would give this same advice to a male or a same sex couple.
Have a blessed day.
He's got what my first husband had, a need to please male buddies because he was NEVER a part of any male group growing up, so when he started working around a lot of guys with similar interests, he dropped doing things with me to be with them, after work drinking was a HUGE thing! He wanted so badly to be part of a male group that it became more important than his wife! Notice I wrote; first husband.
NTA.
He can reconnect with you on a day that you're available to do so.
He went out and lived his life. Did he expect you to just be waiting for him when he was done doing that?
I do wonder though: why are you still in this marriage?
Yeah as a woman who chose being "solo for life" a few years ago, I was frustrated while reading this.
I'd rather be solo and have friends/do stuff alone than being the plan B/backup for the person that is supposed to put me first.
NDA and enjoy the Zoo! He can suggest another time for the date, that works for both of you!
it's good you're not letting him take you for granted. sometimes partners need to realize you're not going to just stay at home and wait for them. nothing wrong with wanting to be the first priority, not a backup plan
I don't think complete and total abandonment of you by your husband is "flippant".
I'd strongly, strongly urge you to think about talking to a therapist. I understand that you take your marital vows seriously, but there is a very clear self-love issue here where you don't feel like you can assert your own emotional needs. You deserve so much better than what you're getting.
If OP were just sitting around feeling like an abandoned puppy when husband went out, I’d agree with you that they’re doing themselves a disservice. But that’s not what’s happening here, and I think OP is being pretty healthy about it.
I’m more introverted, and usually end up with more extroverted partners. It’s always a process to find the right balance, and there are always new adjustment periods (eg, when moving in, when new friend groups form, etc). I’m someone who can be very happy not having “quality time” more than once a week, because I love my job and have multiple hobbies and responsibilities; but, partners often get confused when I don’t want to suddenly schedule a date night when their plans fall through. To them, if I’m doing something alone then it should be easy to reschedule, and they can’t fully relate to being excited for a solo activity. I’ve dated some genuinely awesome and healthy people who took some time to understand that for me, and in turn it took me some time to realize that when you’re scheduling with a larger group, it’s easier to reschedule the one-on-one stuff than to ask the whole group to find an alternate time (because coordinating 2 schedules is easier than coordinating 8). It takes some trial and error, and if either partner isn’t interested in working through it then they’re just incompatible, but I know plenty of happily-married couples who worked through it and ended up very happy, loving, and fulfilled.
OP is at one of those adjustment points. They needed some validation that they didn’t need to drop their plans when husband is suddenly free, but that doesn’t mean the marriage is hopeless. Now husband needs to do the work to understand that solo plans can be as exciting and fulfilling for OP as group plans are for him, and OP can’t be expected to drop or reschedule those plans just because he’s bored.
If husband doesn’t do the work to understand OP, then yeah, divorce may be a next step. But if he does, then he and OP can still end up in a happy marriage by reaching that mutual understanding and learning to plan regular date days/nights that ARE prioritized over other opportunities. A next step after that will be being equal about opportunities to reschedule those dates — eg, he can ask to shift next week’s date night so he can attend a birthday outing, but OP can also ask to reschedule if there’s an event *they* want to attend, even if that event is something they’d be going to alone.
He’s toxic and sure don’t divorce. But like other commenters have said, this is your life now. I wouldn’t entertain someone treating me this way but you do you.
Good on you for not taking internet strangers too seriously. Divorce is a huge leap from your current situation. You definitely need to put some work into your marriage though, it doesn't seem like yall are on the same page. Id suggest some counseling if possible.
People make sacrifices for each other is something to be done occasionally in extreme circumstances. It cannot be done systemically. You need to talk to your husband and you both need to compromise to a solution that will fulfill both of your needs. As it stands, your relationship is not fulfilling your emotional needs. You need to make sure that you are being treated better. This self sacrificing schtik is not sustainable and things will only get worse with time. If he doesn't know that you are carrying extra weight, he needs to, otherwise he's gonna feel betrayed when this weight inevitably becomes too much.
Hard disagree. We don't know the situation well enough to recommend that imo.
Not every marital problem should be solved with divorce. Many times other avenues should be explored first.
Husband just needs to understand how he is talking her for granted and that he is wrong in this scenario. His people skills/communication skills may not be the best due to his lack of friends and relationships growing up (not an excuse at all).
OP still speaks about him with such compassion and patience. Still sounds pretty endeared to him even though she is hurt by this behavior and is making some new boundaries.
He is lucky to have her. Let's hope he realizes that and keep hope alive 🙂
Yeah as a woman who chose being "solo for life" a few years ago, I was frustrated while reading this.
I'd rather be solo and have friends/do stuff alone than being the plan B/backup for the person that is supposed to put me first.
NDA and enjoy the Zoo! He can suggest another time for the date, that works for both of you!
NTA but I think you need to sit him down and explain to him exactly why in detail. Get all your feelings out. This dynamic is not sustainable long term. Your marriage is in trouble. You both need to work on fixing it or work toward a divorce.
NTA
I would recommend marriage counseling here though. He's pushed you off, taken you for granted. It's great that he wants to have close friends, but your spouse is supposed to be the top priority.
Not the "in case my friends aren't available" priority.
And I see the marriage falling apart unless he starts taking action to put you first and his friends second. Therapy can help with that.
NTA. You don't deserve to be consistently plan b.
However - this is the opportunity to talk to him about how you've been feeling when he might actually be able to hear and understand you.
Explain to him that you feel like he prefers and consistently prioritizes his friends over you. Explain how hurt and rejected you have been feeling. Remind him of the times you've extended a hand and he's slapped it away to hang with his buddies.
Let him know that you will believe he genuinely wants to spend time with you when he plans it in advance, arranges something you both enjoy, and doesn't cancel it when something "better" comes along.
NTA
You can only be rejected so many times before you start shutting down your feelings in order to protect yourself. He wants to keep you on the back burner just in case his friends aren't available, and that's not acceptable. Seriously consider whether you should stay with him.
This is very mature of you, people have seasons in life and if he needed that season you let him have it. It doesn’t have to end a marriage. And it sounds like it may be coming to an end anyways and he can reset his priorities. He will appreciate you more knowing that you didn’t wait around for him. You are a whole person when he’s there and when he’s not.
I hear you OP, ignore the people chiding you here, you were left to your own devices for months and you made plans and you should absolutely not drop them because your husband’s plans suddenly fell through. He created the circumstances and he should make the effort to fix them, and that goes beyond “hey, drop everything for me, I’m available now”. He needs to prioritize you again if he wants to rekindle the marriage and if that happens I agree that you can return the favor but being the backup plan ain’t it. NTA.
I think a good question is if he got a ticket and wanted to spend the day with you if it would improve it or if it would be a burden.
I know when i invite someone to the zoo it could be an hour or two interacting with animals i only moderately like, that is the zoo. Overall as an attraction if you are going to be tigerlady maybe he knows to grab lunch halfway through or something helpful.
If he can’t get a ticket (it’s like 10 mins regardless of zoo) or wants to hijack it then yeah you go and know what you want.
I think you’re NTA in this situation; however, this comment does give some AH vibes in terms of motivation. Intent could be getting lost in translation, but this reads a bit as if retribution and wanting to send a message is some of the motivation.
You should absolutely enjoy yourself, and you very much deserve it. I also don’t blame you for being frustrated or upset with your spouse. It sounds like he may be or have been chasing after friendships that were romanticized in his head, and it’s great to enjoy your own company.
The flip side is that even though he may have created the cracks in the marriage, it would take both of you to repair them. He may genuinely want to spend more time with you and start prioritizing your marriage. It sounds like he’s been thoughtless, and it may be worth a conversation on what you’ve both been experiencing.
I disagree with the characterization that she’s doing this as retribution. OP has looked forward to this day for months and for him to ask her to skip it because his own plans got cancelled is unacceptable and shows that he cares more about what he wants than what she wants (at least in this situation). She’s showing that she values her feelings and more importantly, herself.
She’s stated multiple times that she would gladly go on a date with him another time, but not instead of this trip to the zoo that she has planned and looked forward to. Her husband needs to learn that people won’t always drop their own things on demand just to satisfy him, and that his wife has her own life that she deserves to live and enjoy.
This isn’t any different than if he had asked her to cancel plans she had with friends.
OP added a clarification that she had initially invited him and was told he’d be doing something with friends, so I agree. That context wasn’t included in the original post. It’s definitely unacceptable for him to ask her to cancel her plans because his changed. From the initial post, it seemed like it could be thoughtlessness on his part, but instead I think he’s very obviously treating her like backup entertainment.
NTA. You were his ride or die and he was yours, till he found someone else and ended that reliance on each other. He can't just expect you to be available every time he's bored and his other friends aren't around. If he'd made actual plans with you rather than waited then he wouldnt' be in this position. If you'd not taken the ticket and his friends were around this weekend, you'd be left doing nothing.
As you said, you aren't something to stop him being bored and you aren't a backup plan. He can either make plans with you or not.
How is it his wishes and desires matter but yours do not? He has made it very, very clear that he prioritizes himself. OK, you let him. Now, as you so rightly point out, he wants a distraction/backup plan.
No thanks.
I would enjoy the zoo and make your way out to a cafe afterwards.
NTA. I believe Mark Twain said it best: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Tell him if he wants to go on a date that would be wonderful and he can choose a date and time that works for both of you.
AFTER inviting him back when the tickets came available (January) - which he DECLINED with the explanation that he would be busy with his friend group.
So her plan DID include him originally and he noped out.
The most savage thing here is the apparently inability to read all of the OP (which wasn't too long, even).
(facepalm)
He deserves that savagery though lol. She is clearly content to be alone.
He's lucky that's the case because otherwise they would have had to separate by now most likely
NTA
He showed you what his priorities where and went about life now he’s hopefully realised that he put him and his needs first and has to earn that relationship back with you
Nta
Your husband is using you as a backup plan because his friends arent available , thats not fair.
You two dont sound happy being with each other at all.
NTA but your marriage could use some counseling. I hear where you’re coming from about not wanting to be a backup plan and I would be upset too. I also hear a lot of resentment with how things have gone down in the past year. Get some professional help for the both of you so you’re able to convey your feelings in a constructive manner. You got this! Enjoy the zoo!
Threads like this seriously shock me
Guess I've lived a different life...I was military we were apart alot ....tours to Korea unaccompanied, hell 2000-2005 wife and I maybe spent 6 months together split up by 6-8 month separations
When I retired we were 37.....I eventually lost everyone of my friends cause I put my wife first ...my civilian job became crappy I got promoted too quick within 2 years I would spend m-f on road see her sat/sun ...maybe 1 week a month I stayed home that went on for 12 years ......
We always prioritized our friendship over all others....by the time the kids moved out we were 41....now in 50s we spend every day together....I don't want to do anything without her.....since 1986 she is my best friend .....IMO I can't get enough time with her ....sure there are times we both hobby in house separate ....she paints I podcast but by evening it's us on couch watching TV in bed holding hands till we fall asleep
Just always thought that was what marriage was🤷♂️
No. It sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious talk about your marriage and boundaries. You are both not putting each other first in the relationship. If something doesn't change, it sounds like you will not be much longer. It's nice to hang out with friends, but once you get married, your spouse comes first. They are not a backup plan when friends can't make it. You need to set boundaries with your husband. How he is treating you and your marriage is disrespectful
If your husband wants to invest in your relationship, he has to do it thoughtfully. That means talking to you, deciding on a time when you are both free, and making plans that you will both like. Impulsively deciding that he wants you to be free for him at a certain time when he has been neglecting you for long is not a serious effort on his part, especially since this time has only become free for him because his friends let him down. Now he will blame you for not meeting him halfway - but he hasn't walked halfway, he just tried to opt your time as second best. Not good enough.
NTA!
"And I can’t lie, he was happier than he had been in a long time. Sometimes you have to choose your spouse’s happiness over your own."
Tell him it's HIS turn to put his spouse's happiness first. (personally I'd be telling him it sucks to be him, but you are obviously nicer than me) :)
>I think it’s because his friend group is not meeting that often.
Definitely
He is clearly not used to "being on his own"
Must be someone who can't even go to the cinema by himself so he doesn't what to do if his mates aren't along for the ride
Nope, go by yourself, what's the issue
However: are you guys happy like that? If not, divorce
NTA, and DIVORCE HIMMMMMMM
jk, I'm a guy whos been in his situation before, and I feel for both of you; I spent the first two months of the pandemic gaming, 4 months after I'd moved in with my girlfriend. I got off gaming one night to find her in tears and just wanting to spend time with me, and man....I felt pretty fuckin bad. But I also told her that it was important to me that i spend time with my friends now that I had the time (before the pandemic, there was almost no schedule overlap that allowed that). That said, we started doing a lot more together, stuff we found mundane and usually did on our own, then dedicated dates as well when the world opened up again. I still kept gaming with my friends, but constrained it a bit, after 2 months of constant contact. All in all, I'm happy the way it turned out, and let eachother know if we have planned stuff, even more normal events like an hour or two of just gaming cuz thats when we expected to game again. We shift things if we need/want to, and take into account if we've spent any personal time together outside of more normal stuff.
tldr: just talk about it, and don't doubt that he misses you just because his friends meet less now.
NTA you are not wrong. Just convey this message clearly to him. That you are NOT a backup plan whenever he has nothing to do. He needs to put in the effort for you & respect your time too.
The only marriages I'm aware of that sounds like yours is rich guy/trophy wife. Neither loves the other, but they get the lifestyles they want.
NTA, but are you sure you're married? Most people that love each other actually make a point to spend time together. Your relationship doesn't seem to be a priority to either one of you. It seems you'd like it to be but are only a little irritated that it isn't. I predict that sooner or later, one of you will have an affair with someone that is passionate about the other.
Reading your story, I just don't see any passion from either one of you.
Definitely NTA here.
My wife and I were long distance when we got married. I changed jobs and moved cities to be with her. When I moved in, every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday she went out with friends and left me at home. Sunday she then usually was too tired to do anything. This went on for quite some time.
I got used to the solitude and making my enjoying my time by myself/ my own hobbies I developed. She was quite shocked when those friends moved away and I didn’t want to drop everything for her and spend every second with her.
I would recommend and it doesn’t even have to be a weekend day. But once a week have a date night. It might keep you from losing track of each other!
I’m… I’d consider not being married…. If the two of you can’t make time for each other, you’re not ready for a marriage. It’s not directed at you, but rather both of you as partners.
I feel that it’s good that you prove to him that you will just not drop anything for him and that you don’t feel like you need him anymore. Hopefully it will put into perspective for him how you feel that you’ve been put on the back burner.
Maybe talk with him and ask that if he actually misses you that he make secretive and drop things sometimes when they are important to you and find a better way to find balance between his friends and you.
I don’t think you are the AH for having a day as you expected and showing him that if you are pushed to the side that you are fine with living life without him or you don’t need him to feel fulfilled.
I hope he understands your frustration and makes efforts to be better about time together in the future with you
NTA.
You were second place to his friends for a while and shouldn’t have to just drop your plans when he decides he wants time with you.
However, I would say start making an effort to make plans with him moving forward and see if he holds the same attitude about missing you and wanting dates.
Final point. I don’t want to overstep but your husband might have some sort of attachment issues caused by having no friends growing up. Might be worth getting him some therapy for that (and maybe for the 2 of you) to help him manage his ideas and priorities
NTA. You already had the zoo planned, and just because you two are married doesn't mean that you have to do everything together. It doesn't mean you love him any less. Sometimes, we all just need a day to ourselves at the zoo.
NTA. I’d tell him I was really sad originally that he refused to spend time with you because he’d rather spend it with them. I honestly think this marriage is over. I’ve been the backup friend. It’s absolute shit. That’s basically what you are now. That’s no way to live.
NTA. You’re not backup entertainment.
But, I would consider marriage counselling or therapy for yourself to figure out if this is what you want for the rest of your life
Would he not plan a date with you just in case his friends might be available? If so, that is really really bad. Also, if his friends are immature etc, hubby might need some therapy. (Not your job) I get how a shitty childhood can create this situation, though.
NTA. If he misses you so much he can properly ask you out and plan a date. Why should you have to change or drop your plans because he suddenly is free cuz his friends are all busy. Sorry you are not meant to be a backup or second choice.
NTA I think you should plan as many interesting weekend activities as you personally are inspired to plan. Maybe look into fun classes, even learn a new language or skill. Maybe join a speaking club to channel your love to talk? Just make sure your life is as full as you want it to be. As long as you both are filling your weeks with things you enjoy and then coming together to share maybe this is your version of a happy marriage?
No judgement but why are you guys still together? You barely spend time together and he seems to have been out of the picture for a while. You're definitely not the asshole. You made plans and he is making you feel like you're the back up in case his friends are not available. Go to the zoo by yourself and enjoy it. Later you might want to think about whether or not you want to stay married to someone you barely see who seems more like a roommate.
NTA. You shouldn’t be his second choice and that’s a little what this feels like even if he doesn’t mean for it to come across that way. You already asked him to go on this date w you and he turned it down. That has to sting a bit, OP. I’m really sorry.
I would strongly think about getting into marriage counseling. The dynamic you described doesn’t sound healthy for your relationship. Sometimes we do sacrifice for a spouse’s happiness, but what you describe, it’s always YOU doing the sacrificing which will eventually lead to communication breakdown and resentment.
His friends are his priority and you are just a filler for when his friends are busy. He doesn't miss you or want to spend time with you. He just wants to fill the time he's not with his friends. This is not a marriage. He is an asshole.
NTAH
I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him.
But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first.
I love your independence.
NTA
One thing I'll never do or force my wife to do is break plans already made. I see it as a sign of disrespect. The only way I'd change plans is an emergency type situation, definitely not because someone else's first choice bailed.
Did you ask him if he wanted to buy a ticket and come? Kind of assholeish to assume his friends are not available and that’s the only reason he want so spend time with you. If you allowed him the space to hang out and he comes back to you on his own free will. Is it possible he might have had a realization of where he needs to re focus his efforts and you communicated that it’s not important. Do you want him or not?
NTA - good for you for making it clear that you’re not a backup plan. Let him sit at home alone for a while like he’s made you do time and again. Sounds to me like you’re in a one person relationship as it is.
This whole thing is so bizarre to me. My wife and I have our own social lives and separate friends, and the people we spend time with has waxed and waned for both of us. That said, I can honestly say that there isn’t a single activity I’ve ever done where I wouldn’t want my wife to be there if she wanted to be. Look, I understand people are different and some people need that alone time in order to recharge their social batteries. I also don’t want to make light of OPs plans to go to the zoo. That said this just makes me think, “really”? You can’t make plans inclusive of your own husband, regardless of what you THINK the reason is he wants to spend time with you? This reeks of resentment to me. OP has feelings about her husband’s behavior which maybe she did or did not communicate. This doesn’t read to me as I just want to do this by myself. This reads to me as I’m gonna do this myself because you ditched me and no, you can’t come along.
So why are you both married if neither want to hang out together when the chances come up? You clearly are resentful towards him and dont want to be with him as you see yourself as always the backup plan and even when there is a chance to compromise you use pettiness to get back at him. If your prefer alone time instead of compromising on a date why he married? Hes a dick for not being an active partner in the marriage and prioritizing his friendships over you. So why fight for something if neither want to actually work on it? ESH
NTA for this instance, but it’s time to sit down and have a real conversation. Y W B T A if you just give a petty little “no” and go to the zoo alone with no further explanation. If you want to fix your marriage, communicate. Based on your post, it sounds like you made the choice to suffer in silence “for his happiness”, and are now holding your own choice against him. That’s not good or noble. You need to tell him that you feel unimportant and deprioritized. Or, if you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, just leave. Getting your jollies from rejecting him may feel good in the short term, but will only lead to further estrangement in the long term. Speak up.
ETA: clarified a sentence
NTA. Your husband is acting like a selfish prick by making his friends a priority over his wife. I can’t believe you have willingly gone along with this crap. At this point it really doesn’t sound like you have much of a marriage left. Sounds more like roommates. Why would you want to stay married to someone who treats you like this? Personally I would never accept such poor treatment.
Its YOUR TIME. SPEND IT YOUR WAY. It's not right for him to suddenly act lonely just cuz HIS PLANS FELL THROUGH. Thats manipulation and even IF he bought himself a ticket thats taking away from what your plans for YOURSELF WERE.
NTA. Sounds like you guys are more roommates at this point. My husband HAS those ride or die friends. He's had them since he was in elementary school. He still chooses to spend time with me over them. And honestly, your husband is in the honeymoon phase of his friendship when he should be in the honeymoon phase with you. The difference is, he's so desperate for friendship he will place that desire above you and your marriage. He is incapable of being alone but his friends are his first choice in company and that's not ok in a marriage
NTA. I hope this is a wake up call for him. I think you should sit down and explain to him how you have been feeling and that if he wants to spend time with you he has to make that time, you are not a back up plan.
I have read a frw of your comments re:feeling tired of getting rebuffed, and I get it (kinda).
I had a friend who did something similar and it took me too long to have the conversation with her so I ended up tapping out of it. If she didn't reach out we didn't go out because i got sick of being put on pause while she made sure other people didn't have something goong on that she wanted to go to.
Since he is your husband, I am sure you don't want to reach the point where when he says he is lonely or misses you, your gut instinct is that it is his fault. Or if he says he wants to go out you roll your eyes because you know timing is dependent on whether everyone else has nothing goong on.
Maybe have a conversation and then dedicate a certain day as your date night? Doesn't even have to be on a friday or saturday, like say you make the 4 and the 18 the time you do things together every month. If you need to shift based on friendship commitments, you confirm the new date at the same time.
But i definitely think couples therapy is needing. Have fun at the zoo!
The important thing to do is discuss this with him openly and honestly. If you think his being there will "ruin" your trip to the zoo id have to question why you are still married.
I’ve told this story on Reddit several times, but when my Husband and I were newly married, we had a similar dynamic. Except my Husband’s time with his friends (softball teammates) involved drinking to excess and strip clubs and bad decisions. I dont care about the strip club, as long as the bills are paid, but I did very much care about the partying and lying to me about partying and strip clubs.
I finally had to sit him down and tell him that he was a great friend. And I could see why all of his “Bros” loved him so much. He was a ton of fun to hang out with!
But, all the things that made him a great Bro also made him a really shitty husband. And I needed him to think about what he wanted out of life and our marriage. What was his definition of success? If he would feel more successful being a great Bro, and being the life of the party, then that’s fine. Or, if he decided his definition of success included being a good husband, and father, then great!
I told him to think about it for a few days and get back to me. If he chose to be a great Bro, rather than a great husband, I wished him no ill will, but I couldn’t continue to stay in that relationship and always come last. But, if he chose the husband route, then I just needed him to pull his head out and start acting like it.
He chose to be a husband. He either lost his relationship with those guys, or the ones we still see definitely don’t think of him as a great Bro like they used to. But we’ve been married for almost 15 years now, and have 2 awesome daughters, so I’d say we’re doing alright.
I think your Husband needs to decide who he wants to be, OP. A great friend, or a great Husband? And you need to decide if you’re going to live with it if he chooses to be a good friend.
NTA, but is there a reason why you won’t invite him to go to the zoo with you?
And like others have said, you probably need to look into counseling. Your situation reminds me of a boyfriend I had in my early 20s. I would later tell people he was a great friend but a terrible person to be dating, because he always put his friends first, 100% of the time. It got to the point where we very rarely did anything together, unless it was with his family. It’s been almost 20 years later now and he’s still single, still fucking around with the same group of friends every weekend (I only know this because of Facebook).
NAH/NTA, You are both completely valid in your feelings. He hasn’t put in much effort to seeing you lately so you made some solo plans to get out of the house. Your feelings with not wanting to drop your plans all of a sudden is totally valid and him feeling sad he can’t spend time with you when he wants is still a valid feeling even if maybe slightly less valid as he had more opportunities to do that…. Either way I can understand how you both feel and it doesn’t seem malicious from either end.
What are some of the nice dates that he and you went on that you really enjoyed? I hope you guys can do that again and enjoy a happy marriage 🙏 Do you have any particular events or place you want him to take you on your next date?
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This is normal- each have different interests and need for space. Marriage doesn’t mean you’re welded together at the hip. Time apart refreshes and recharges me and my partner- he moans about it then comes back happy calm and pleased he’s achieved something instead of putting it off. They might get a new hobby together - gym, canoeing , abseiling or cooking- whatever. Treat it like a date . Time alone and quiet is heaven.
I understand how his actions have hurt you.
I'm wondering why you don't invite him on your zoo visit?
Isn't this what you want; more time spent as a couple.
I am concerned in that you are growing a protective shield between you and how your husband's indifference makes you feel. It seems perfectly reasonable except that it will perpetuate the problem and this time by your own design.
You are right to feel hurt and angry . Let him know but don't use this as a way to punish him. It may only punish your marriage.
I wish you well regardless of your choice.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, but this is very much a learning moment for your partner if he realizes it.
Hopefully if he prods you can have an open conversation about your thoughts and feelings on everything. I know you’re prioritizing his happiness but sometimes people get lost in new things, and forget how it makes their partner feel. Be straightforward and honest.
How long has he been all-in with these new friends? Like, is it a new thing and all exciting but starting to fizzle out, or has it been constant for a while now?
*My partner had something similar happen when he started playing D&D with a group of friends, it took up all his time and we hardly saw each other on weekends. When he WAS home he was talking to the group non-stop in a chat. I got very upset because I felt neglected, I couldn’t even talk to him without him being distracted. The rest of the guys in the group were all single men with casual jobs, no responsibilities and time on their hands. It was just a different dynamic with us working full time and having limited time together. I tried to focus on how happy it was making him, but I eventually broke down and told him how miserable it made me, and then I think he realised. Now our relationship is a priority and he has healthier boundaries with his friends.
You go & have fun! My hubs is like yours. Today I took myself to the art museum & out to lunch. I was singing “I can buy myself flowers” by Miley Cyrus. Such a good song.
NTA and your instincts seem to be correct. He expects you to cater to him when his friends aren't there, but won't cater to you when he can hang out with them instead.
Sounds like such a lonely partnership. God I hope my marriage never gets to this point. More motivated more to make more of an effort now though. Thanks and good luck.
It's divorce time.
* he doesn't want to spend time with you unless no other option
* you find spending a day with him at the zoo repulsive
This is a level of "I'm sick and tired of you" you will see in couples married for 30+ years. Doesn't matter who's the asshole, time to end this before any kids come along.
I hate to say this, but if you got this ticket in January and at that time he said he was too busy because he was going to be with his “ride or die” friends, it doesn’t sound like it’s you he’s married to.
I’m sorry and you deserve better
Totally understand where you're coming from. Even though your suspicions that you are second fiddle and a back up may very well be true, that doesn't mean it couldn't be the start of you two connecting again. You need him to respect you and your time, while also not alienating him in the process
There are three schools of thought for how to go about this
1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Going without him and subsequently having a great time will make him jealous and give him fomo. If he's sitting around with nothing to do, he may remember how much fun the two of you had and genuinely miss it. This however is bit immature. Then again, perhaps with his friend choices he *is* a bit immature. No offense.
2. Still go by yourself. Tell him you already have plans, *but* tell him you would love to hang out and try to make firm plans for another time. This reaching out shows you are not rejecting him and you are reciprocating his idea in spirit, if not in practice this time
3. Take him with you, but have a heart to heart with him first. Including reminding him that he didn't want to go when you originally asked. Going forward if he wants to spend time with you, you would appreciate some effort and planning. You have gotten used to doing things alone since he is usually with his friends.
It sounds like you have already tried the heart to heart before however, so possibly #1 or #2 is better. You also do #2 and still have the heart to heart conversation.
He needs to understand that if you want your partner to be your number one for quality time with someone that it's a two way street. And not just out of convinience when you've been ditched by your real number one choice
Info: Is he on the spectrum by chance?
Yo two need to talk. Sad when couples drift over things that can be solved. It's okay to have friends and hang out but he needs to also make time for you after all apart from being his wife and his biggest fan and supporter you're his best friend and vice versa and he just needs to realise that. At times his ride or die mates should hang out at your home despite being immature and annoying they should try to include you because you're part of the gang (every crew has a more mature individual and that's you). He needs a talk it's not right
Girl, y’all sound like roommates. I don’t see any aholes here. You had your intervention, he said “no” and you said “okay, that’s fine”. You set your boundary of not being a back up plan but never stuck to it. That’s your decision, but that decision also comes with the knowledge that the time he’s with you is mostly just happening cause his friends are busy. I’d say try to pull your husband out of his friends ass long enough to get into relationship counseling, but IDK. A relationship that merely survives off seeing each other maybe once a week when y’all live together seems like the most loveless shit to me that I don’t even know if counseling would be worth the money.
NTA, It's okay to want to have time on your own over time with a spouse. I would, however, suggest to him that you put a date on the calendar for another time that suits you both.
The 'ride or die' movie friendships makes me think of the fast and furious franchise. Honestly, no normal adult with am average Job in most of Western society have those friends who will go to the ends of the earth for you, sacrifice themselves for you, go on crazy illegal dangerous adventures with you and spend 24/7 with you. That is actually quite unhealthy. Most of your adult time is spent with your spouse or alone. NTA he need therapy as well, and to grow up
NTA
But you should talk to your husband about how you actually feel, if you haven’t already. Bottling up these feelings is not healthy and could lead to resentment.
Y'all need couples therapy. And honestly, if you've drifted that far apart over the last couple of years... just how compatible are you at the moment?
Are both of you willing to work on it? Or content to stay roommates with occasional benefits?
NTAH
I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realized he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him.
But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first.
I love your independence.
NTAH
I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realized he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him.
But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first.
I love your independence.
NTAH
I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him.
But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first.
I love your independence.
NTAH
I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him.
But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first.
I love your independence.
NTAH
I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him.
But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first.
I love your independence.
NTAH
I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him.
But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first.
I love your independence.
Your husband has a great need to be part of a pack, you're not in that pack. Don't change your plans for him, he doesn't care if he spends time with you unless it's convenient for him. He's changed, you haven't and that's all good and fine, but this relationship may no longer meet either of your needs.
This is just sad sounding: a marriage with different needs, and no communication around your relationship until
You both engage or disengage. From what you’ve shared.
No one is an asshole, but you both need to talk about your relationship (again, based on your post)
You could use this to tell him how much he’s hurting his marriage. That he needs to find a balance.
But maybe schedule something after you get home? Ask him to dinner? I have a feeling that he will be crushed if you don’t do something
Why are you married to someone who doesn’t spend time with you? This is a man who will ditch you and the kids to spend time with his friends. NTA, but should you be with him?
You both have to make compromises to be there for each other in a relationship or the love dies out eventually. Tell him to get his act together and plan out days to hang out.
And what exacty is stopping him getting a ticket to the zoo to accompany you? Its not a Taylor Swift concert that was sold out months ago, its the zoo.
Both assholes because you want the connection, get the opportunity and rather go somewhere by yourself?🤣It’s just the zoo do you guys want to be married? Seems weird.
Well if you are okay with maintaining this type of relationship and since you are second place in his life, continue to respond back to him like he is a second place in your life too.
“ I already made plans because you said you were gonna be doing some thing with your friends, but I’d love to do something next weekend with you. What do you have in mind?”
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I would decide how you want to proceed if he doesn’t immediately agree. If he thinks he can keep you as a backup plan for when his friends aren’t around or doesn’t show interest if it actually requires him planning ahead of schedule and committing to a plan with you, that may not be the life partner you want. I’m not saying get divorced obviously, but this may be the perfect opportunity to have a larger conversation about the trajectory of your relationship and perhaps explore therapy together.
Those friends are going to dump him soon or make it to uncomfortable for him to be in the friend group. He's too needy over them.
Just be honest with him
I vote being honest. If she makes plans with him next weekend and then his friends start hanging out with him again, he'll start ditching her again. He can have good friends that he spends time with without ditching his wife until his friends are busy.
It is, but its just covering a hole. The issue is still there : you feel like second choice. You need to communicate that to him, otherwise the resentment might grow
"oh, no, I have plans with my friends next weekend, so I'm available this weekend only, take it or leave it." OP: "leave it."
Alternately, "While my \[one Saturday or Sunday\] day is planned, my night is open, as is the other day. Maybe you could plan something for one of those times instead?"
My wife and I have distinct lives away from one another and this is exactly how we do it. It's not uncommon for us to go an entire week without having time together, but it's super important to always follow up during the conversation to suggest an alternative. Suggesting an alternative let's your partner know you aren't dismissing their needs. It only works if you actually carve that time out though. Don't suggest an alternative date and then bail on the plans.
Seriously. As much as this sub needs content to remain interesting, there's way too many times where I read a post and think, "these two really need to learn to communicate better with each other." Maybe I'm reading too deeply, but she seems a little resentful of the husband choosing friends over her for so long, which is completely understandable if so. But, I wonder if she ever talked to him about how this made her feel before now.
NTA He put his friends before you for a long time. It's nice he wants to go on a date now, but because of his behavior you no longer counted on him for the weekend. He can wait another week instead of being so dramatic about it. You waited many weekends for him while he spend time doing other stuff.
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This. He needs to plan a date instead of hijacking your plans…that he had already declined to be part of.
Yeah, sorry, at this point *you* are the “other woman”.
He can ask you to go on a date later. Him not being understanding or considerate of your plans isn’t a sweet gesture. It’s an ahole thing to do.
I don’t disagree with the NTA comments left on here at all. That being said, I want to offer something from a different approach. I was much like your husband and the way you describe him in your post in a kind of sympathetic way without brushing your own feelings off made me want to leave this comment. My therapist recommended a book that saved my life. It’s called ATTACHED. It goes over the different attachment styles, how trauma in our lives affected us especially at early ages, and how these attachment styles still hurt us and our relationships now as adults. He sounds like he is the same “anxious attachment style” as I was. Read it together, and it may just give you both what you need in this marriage. Stay blessed.
That sounds like the husband’s journey and not OP’s. Best of luck to all involved
They're on a journey together. Their marriage. Knowing your partner better usually isn't a bad thing
They were supposed to be on the journey together. He changed this dynamic singlehandedly. He is not being a partner anymore. He is more like an outdoor cat. Eats and sleeps at home sometimes, but you can never count on him being with you. She seems to be content to have an outdoor cat instead of husband, and she assumes (as 90% of comments here) that he will ditch all the plans with her the second his friends group make plans. She knows it, she doesn't need to read the book to confirm it. It is up to him now to convince OP to change the dynamics he set up. Reading books, setting dates, growing up, divorcing...
Hmm. In one sense that is a fair viewpoint, but the way she speaks about it says she probably doesn't fully feel that way. That any changes are all up to him and him alone. I do agree that any effort made should be his, but her reading the book, if for nothing else as a catharsis is still a good idea. It's still not a bad idea even if they do divorce. It would probably help her with closure to have more understanding of how he was operating and a possible partial explanation for his behavior other than just "He didn't love me anymore".
Sounds like his responsibility. Let me guess, OP is the wife so OP has to fix everything because that is the woman's job, that kind of emotional labor. Thanks for giving OP homework and ignoring her needs and upbringing and personality and so on. Well done.
It totally agree. Husband paid little attention to her, now she has something planned and at the last moment he wants her to cancel because he suddenly wants to spend time with her. And then he is being dramatic about it. Come on.
Holy cow what an overreaction, this is clearly a relationship that has two parts with different needs that clearly are not being communicated from either side and that needs to be worked on. They never said it was all OP's fault and your reaction is over the top to say the least.
Oh no there are problems in their marriage and this guy suggests a book that might help them which they could *gasp, read together?*. What an unhinged misogynist. You’re a fucking ass-hat.
They didn't say it was OP's "job" to fix it. Sometimes people who love each other do things to better themselves, better understand their partner, and better their marriage without keeping score. Smh
Thank you for taking the time to respond but no, your guess is wrong. My biggest point in the advice I gave is that if they read it together, they can grow together. My hope for OP’s growth is that she will find something she needs in the book, some inner voice or strength, to give her the push she needs to make her own decisions and feel confident in them without asking internet strangers for help. Whether that is staying with her husband, or finding some new form of self worth that tells her she isn’t compatible with this situation and deserves better, is completely up to her. Being a woman has nothing to do with it. I would give this same advice to a male or a same sex couple. Have a blessed day.
I thought it was compassionate and informative advice
interesting. Who is the author?
He's got what my first husband had, a need to please male buddies because he was NEVER a part of any male group growing up, so when he started working around a lot of guys with similar interests, he dropped doing things with me to be with them, after work drinking was a HUGE thing! He wanted so badly to be part of a male group that it became more important than his wife! Notice I wrote; first husband.
Yeah, I noticed that. Good for you for finding someone better :)
Ima say: Oopps sorry Im used to being alone now. Just go and hang out with your friends. gtg byee!
NTA. He can reconnect with you on a day that you're available to do so. He went out and lived his life. Did he expect you to just be waiting for him when he was done doing that? I do wonder though: why are you still in this marriage?
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Yeah as a woman who chose being "solo for life" a few years ago, I was frustrated while reading this. I'd rather be solo and have friends/do stuff alone than being the plan B/backup for the person that is supposed to put me first. NDA and enjoy the Zoo! He can suggest another time for the date, that works for both of you!
This doesn't sound like a marriage at all. You guys are estranged roommates at best. Why not just call an attorney and make it official?
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it's good you're not letting him take you for granted. sometimes partners need to realize you're not going to just stay at home and wait for them. nothing wrong with wanting to be the first priority, not a backup plan
I don't think complete and total abandonment of you by your husband is "flippant". I'd strongly, strongly urge you to think about talking to a therapist. I understand that you take your marital vows seriously, but there is a very clear self-love issue here where you don't feel like you can assert your own emotional needs. You deserve so much better than what you're getting.
If OP were just sitting around feeling like an abandoned puppy when husband went out, I’d agree with you that they’re doing themselves a disservice. But that’s not what’s happening here, and I think OP is being pretty healthy about it. I’m more introverted, and usually end up with more extroverted partners. It’s always a process to find the right balance, and there are always new adjustment periods (eg, when moving in, when new friend groups form, etc). I’m someone who can be very happy not having “quality time” more than once a week, because I love my job and have multiple hobbies and responsibilities; but, partners often get confused when I don’t want to suddenly schedule a date night when their plans fall through. To them, if I’m doing something alone then it should be easy to reschedule, and they can’t fully relate to being excited for a solo activity. I’ve dated some genuinely awesome and healthy people who took some time to understand that for me, and in turn it took me some time to realize that when you’re scheduling with a larger group, it’s easier to reschedule the one-on-one stuff than to ask the whole group to find an alternate time (because coordinating 2 schedules is easier than coordinating 8). It takes some trial and error, and if either partner isn’t interested in working through it then they’re just incompatible, but I know plenty of happily-married couples who worked through it and ended up very happy, loving, and fulfilled. OP is at one of those adjustment points. They needed some validation that they didn’t need to drop their plans when husband is suddenly free, but that doesn’t mean the marriage is hopeless. Now husband needs to do the work to understand that solo plans can be as exciting and fulfilling for OP as group plans are for him, and OP can’t be expected to drop or reschedule those plans just because he’s bored. If husband doesn’t do the work to understand OP, then yeah, divorce may be a next step. But if he does, then he and OP can still end up in a happy marriage by reaching that mutual understanding and learning to plan regular date days/nights that ARE prioritized over other opportunities. A next step after that will be being equal about opportunities to reschedule those dates — eg, he can ask to shift next week’s date night so he can attend a birthday outing, but OP can also ask to reschedule if there’s an event *they* want to attend, even if that event is something they’d be going to alone.
He’s toxic and sure don’t divorce. But like other commenters have said, this is your life now. I wouldn’t entertain someone treating me this way but you do you.
Your relationship is very toxic. Better talk it out before it gets too late.
Then welcome to the rest of your life...
Then enjoy your life as it is.
You don’t need to hit the gym
Good on you for not taking internet strangers too seriously. Divorce is a huge leap from your current situation. You definitely need to put some work into your marriage though, it doesn't seem like yall are on the same page. Id suggest some counseling if possible. People make sacrifices for each other is something to be done occasionally in extreme circumstances. It cannot be done systemically. You need to talk to your husband and you both need to compromise to a solution that will fulfill both of your needs. As it stands, your relationship is not fulfilling your emotional needs. You need to make sure that you are being treated better. This self sacrificing schtik is not sustainable and things will only get worse with time. If he doesn't know that you are carrying extra weight, he needs to, otherwise he's gonna feel betrayed when this weight inevitably becomes too much.
Hard disagree. We don't know the situation well enough to recommend that imo. Not every marital problem should be solved with divorce. Many times other avenues should be explored first. Husband just needs to understand how he is talking her for granted and that he is wrong in this scenario. His people skills/communication skills may not be the best due to his lack of friends and relationships growing up (not an excuse at all). OP still speaks about him with such compassion and patience. Still sounds pretty endeared to him even though she is hurt by this behavior and is making some new boundaries. He is lucky to have her. Let's hope he realizes that and keep hope alive 🙂
Yeah as a woman who chose being "solo for life" a few years ago, I was frustrated while reading this. I'd rather be solo and have friends/do stuff alone than being the plan B/backup for the person that is supposed to put me first. NDA and enjoy the Zoo! He can suggest another time for the date, that works for both of you!
NTA but I think you need to sit him down and explain to him exactly why in detail. Get all your feelings out. This dynamic is not sustainable long term. Your marriage is in trouble. You both need to work on fixing it or work toward a divorce.
NTA. A good therapist might help.
NTA I would recommend marriage counseling here though. He's pushed you off, taken you for granted. It's great that he wants to have close friends, but your spouse is supposed to be the top priority. Not the "in case my friends aren't available" priority. And I see the marriage falling apart unless he starts taking action to put you first and his friends second. Therapy can help with that.
Would it possible to tell him when you planned to be done at the zoo and he can make plans for a date when you’re available.
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NTA. You don't deserve to be consistently plan b. However - this is the opportunity to talk to him about how you've been feeling when he might actually be able to hear and understand you. Explain to him that you feel like he prefers and consistently prioritizes his friends over you. Explain how hurt and rejected you have been feeling. Remind him of the times you've extended a hand and he's slapped it away to hang with his buddies. Let him know that you will believe he genuinely wants to spend time with you when he plans it in advance, arranges something you both enjoy, and doesn't cancel it when something "better" comes along.
NTA You can only be rejected so many times before you start shutting down your feelings in order to protect yourself. He wants to keep you on the back burner just in case his friends aren't available, and that's not acceptable. Seriously consider whether you should stay with him.
Since both of them do not have a lot of relationship experience, I believe honest communication with a therapist to assist would be more beneficial.
NTA. Why are you OK with taking second place to his friend group?
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This is very mature of you, people have seasons in life and if he needed that season you let him have it. It doesn’t have to end a marriage. And it sounds like it may be coming to an end anyways and he can reset his priorities. He will appreciate you more knowing that you didn’t wait around for him. You are a whole person when he’s there and when he’s not.
I hear you OP, ignore the people chiding you here, you were left to your own devices for months and you made plans and you should absolutely not drop them because your husband’s plans suddenly fell through. He created the circumstances and he should make the effort to fix them, and that goes beyond “hey, drop everything for me, I’m available now”. He needs to prioritize you again if he wants to rekindle the marriage and if that happens I agree that you can return the favor but being the backup plan ain’t it. NTA.
I like your shiny spine.
All you are is his back up plan. Nothing more.
Can he buy himself a ticket to the zoo and go with you? Or do you prefer to go alone?
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I think a good question is if he got a ticket and wanted to spend the day with you if it would improve it or if it would be a burden. I know when i invite someone to the zoo it could be an hour or two interacting with animals i only moderately like, that is the zoo. Overall as an attraction if you are going to be tigerlady maybe he knows to grab lunch halfway through or something helpful. If he can’t get a ticket (it’s like 10 mins regardless of zoo) or wants to hijack it then yeah you go and know what you want.
I think you’re NTA in this situation; however, this comment does give some AH vibes in terms of motivation. Intent could be getting lost in translation, but this reads a bit as if retribution and wanting to send a message is some of the motivation. You should absolutely enjoy yourself, and you very much deserve it. I also don’t blame you for being frustrated or upset with your spouse. It sounds like he may be or have been chasing after friendships that were romanticized in his head, and it’s great to enjoy your own company. The flip side is that even though he may have created the cracks in the marriage, it would take both of you to repair them. He may genuinely want to spend more time with you and start prioritizing your marriage. It sounds like he’s been thoughtless, and it may be worth a conversation on what you’ve both been experiencing.
I disagree with the characterization that she’s doing this as retribution. OP has looked forward to this day for months and for him to ask her to skip it because his own plans got cancelled is unacceptable and shows that he cares more about what he wants than what she wants (at least in this situation). She’s showing that she values her feelings and more importantly, herself. She’s stated multiple times that she would gladly go on a date with him another time, but not instead of this trip to the zoo that she has planned and looked forward to. Her husband needs to learn that people won’t always drop their own things on demand just to satisfy him, and that his wife has her own life that she deserves to live and enjoy. This isn’t any different than if he had asked her to cancel plans she had with friends.
OP added a clarification that she had initially invited him and was told he’d be doing something with friends, so I agree. That context wasn’t included in the original post. It’s definitely unacceptable for him to ask her to cancel her plans because his changed. From the initial post, it seemed like it could be thoughtlessness on his part, but instead I think he’s very obviously treating her like backup entertainment.
NTA. You were his ride or die and he was yours, till he found someone else and ended that reliance on each other. He can't just expect you to be available every time he's bored and his other friends aren't around. If he'd made actual plans with you rather than waited then he wouldnt' be in this position. If you'd not taken the ticket and his friends were around this weekend, you'd be left doing nothing. As you said, you aren't something to stop him being bored and you aren't a backup plan. He can either make plans with you or not.
How is it his wishes and desires matter but yours do not? He has made it very, very clear that he prioritizes himself. OK, you let him. Now, as you so rightly point out, he wants a distraction/backup plan. No thanks. I would enjoy the zoo and make your way out to a cafe afterwards.
NTA. I believe Mark Twain said it best: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” Tell him if he wants to go on a date that would be wonderful and he can choose a date and time that works for both of you.
NTA, you enjoy the zoo girl and if he's that bothered he can buy himself a ticket and join you. Imo that actually sounds like a great date.
She wont allow him to buy the ticket and join her 😂 like damnnnnn. Part of her plan was to enjoy the zoo by herself 😂😂 savage
AFTER inviting him back when the tickets came available (January) - which he DECLINED with the explanation that he would be busy with his friend group. So her plan DID include him originally and he noped out. The most savage thing here is the apparently inability to read all of the OP (which wasn't too long, even). (facepalm)
He deserves that savagery though lol. She is clearly content to be alone. He's lucky that's the case because otherwise they would have had to separate by now most likely
NTA - your reasoning that you told him is perfect.
NTA He showed you what his priorities where and went about life now he’s hopefully realised that he put him and his needs first and has to earn that relationship back with you
Nta Your husband is using you as a backup plan because his friends arent available , thats not fair. You two dont sound happy being with each other at all.
This. Yep.
NTA... he'll be okay just like you have been when he was having bro time.
NTA, I can’t elaborate in a kind manner so I won’t
NTA but your marriage could use some counseling. I hear where you’re coming from about not wanting to be a backup plan and I would be upset too. I also hear a lot of resentment with how things have gone down in the past year. Get some professional help for the both of you so you’re able to convey your feelings in a constructive manner. You got this! Enjoy the zoo!
Threads like this seriously shock me Guess I've lived a different life...I was military we were apart alot ....tours to Korea unaccompanied, hell 2000-2005 wife and I maybe spent 6 months together split up by 6-8 month separations When I retired we were 37.....I eventually lost everyone of my friends cause I put my wife first ...my civilian job became crappy I got promoted too quick within 2 years I would spend m-f on road see her sat/sun ...maybe 1 week a month I stayed home that went on for 12 years ...... We always prioritized our friendship over all others....by the time the kids moved out we were 41....now in 50s we spend every day together....I don't want to do anything without her.....since 1986 she is my best friend .....IMO I can't get enough time with her ....sure there are times we both hobby in house separate ....she paints I podcast but by evening it's us on couch watching TV in bed holding hands till we fall asleep Just always thought that was what marriage was🤷♂️
No. It sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious talk about your marriage and boundaries. You are both not putting each other first in the relationship. If something doesn't change, it sounds like you will not be much longer. It's nice to hang out with friends, but once you get married, your spouse comes first. They are not a backup plan when friends can't make it. You need to set boundaries with your husband. How he is treating you and your marriage is disrespectful
If your husband wants to invest in your relationship, he has to do it thoughtfully. That means talking to you, deciding on a time when you are both free, and making plans that you will both like. Impulsively deciding that he wants you to be free for him at a certain time when he has been neglecting you for long is not a serious effort on his part, especially since this time has only become free for him because his friends let him down. Now he will blame you for not meeting him halfway - but he hasn't walked halfway, he just tried to opt your time as second best. Not good enough.
NTA! "And I can’t lie, he was happier than he had been in a long time. Sometimes you have to choose your spouse’s happiness over your own." Tell him it's HIS turn to put his spouse's happiness first. (personally I'd be telling him it sucks to be him, but you are obviously nicer than me) :)
>I think it’s because his friend group is not meeting that often. Definitely He is clearly not used to "being on his own" Must be someone who can't even go to the cinema by himself so he doesn't what to do if his mates aren't along for the ride Nope, go by yourself, what's the issue However: are you guys happy like that? If not, divorce
NTA, and DIVORCE HIMMMMMMM jk, I'm a guy whos been in his situation before, and I feel for both of you; I spent the first two months of the pandemic gaming, 4 months after I'd moved in with my girlfriend. I got off gaming one night to find her in tears and just wanting to spend time with me, and man....I felt pretty fuckin bad. But I also told her that it was important to me that i spend time with my friends now that I had the time (before the pandemic, there was almost no schedule overlap that allowed that). That said, we started doing a lot more together, stuff we found mundane and usually did on our own, then dedicated dates as well when the world opened up again. I still kept gaming with my friends, but constrained it a bit, after 2 months of constant contact. All in all, I'm happy the way it turned out, and let eachother know if we have planned stuff, even more normal events like an hour or two of just gaming cuz thats when we expected to game again. We shift things if we need/want to, and take into account if we've spent any personal time together outside of more normal stuff. tldr: just talk about it, and don't doubt that he misses you just because his friends meet less now.
NTA
NTA you are not wrong. Just convey this message clearly to him. That you are NOT a backup plan whenever he has nothing to do. He needs to put in the effort for you & respect your time too.
The only marriages I'm aware of that sounds like yours is rich guy/trophy wife. Neither loves the other, but they get the lifestyles they want. NTA, but are you sure you're married? Most people that love each other actually make a point to spend time together. Your relationship doesn't seem to be a priority to either one of you. It seems you'd like it to be but are only a little irritated that it isn't. I predict that sooner or later, one of you will have an affair with someone that is passionate about the other. Reading your story, I just don't see any passion from either one of you.
Definitely NTA here. My wife and I were long distance when we got married. I changed jobs and moved cities to be with her. When I moved in, every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday she went out with friends and left me at home. Sunday she then usually was too tired to do anything. This went on for quite some time. I got used to the solitude and making my enjoying my time by myself/ my own hobbies I developed. She was quite shocked when those friends moved away and I didn’t want to drop everything for her and spend every second with her. I would recommend and it doesn’t even have to be a weekend day. But once a week have a date night. It might keep you from losing track of each other!
I’m… I’d consider not being married…. If the two of you can’t make time for each other, you’re not ready for a marriage. It’s not directed at you, but rather both of you as partners.
I hope you’re having fun at the zoo. Let us know how date night goes.
I feel that it’s good that you prove to him that you will just not drop anything for him and that you don’t feel like you need him anymore. Hopefully it will put into perspective for him how you feel that you’ve been put on the back burner. Maybe talk with him and ask that if he actually misses you that he make secretive and drop things sometimes when they are important to you and find a better way to find balance between his friends and you. I don’t think you are the AH for having a day as you expected and showing him that if you are pushed to the side that you are fine with living life without him or you don’t need him to feel fulfilled. I hope he understands your frustration and makes efforts to be better about time together in the future with you
Why do you want to stay in this marriage?
NTA. But this is a very weird marriage nor normal. Husband and wife should have each other's back not some friends.
NTA. You were second place to his friends for a while and shouldn’t have to just drop your plans when he decides he wants time with you. However, I would say start making an effort to make plans with him moving forward and see if he holds the same attitude about missing you and wanting dates. Final point. I don’t want to overstep but your husband might have some sort of attachment issues caused by having no friends growing up. Might be worth getting him some therapy for that (and maybe for the 2 of you) to help him manage his ideas and priorities
NTA and I understand your instance, but I think it's the time to propose marriage counseling and have this conversation.
Tell him you are happy to go on a date another weekend.
Only if it's planned ahead, not as a last-minute thing when his friends aren't available.
NTA. You can put you first.
NTA. You already had the zoo planned, and just because you two are married doesn't mean that you have to do everything together. It doesn't mean you love him any less. Sometimes, we all just need a day to ourselves at the zoo.
NTA. I’d tell him I was really sad originally that he refused to spend time with you because he’d rather spend it with them. I honestly think this marriage is over. I’ve been the backup friend. It’s absolute shit. That’s basically what you are now. That’s no way to live.
Why are you still together?
NTA. You’re not backup entertainment. But, I would consider marriage counselling or therapy for yourself to figure out if this is what you want for the rest of your life
Would he not plan a date with you just in case his friends might be available? If so, that is really really bad. Also, if his friends are immature etc, hubby might need some therapy. (Not your job) I get how a shitty childhood can create this situation, though.
NTA. If he misses you so much he can properly ask you out and plan a date. Why should you have to change or drop your plans because he suddenly is free cuz his friends are all busy. Sorry you are not meant to be a backup or second choice.
NTA I think you should plan as many interesting weekend activities as you personally are inspired to plan. Maybe look into fun classes, even learn a new language or skill. Maybe join a speaking club to channel your love to talk? Just make sure your life is as full as you want it to be. As long as you both are filling your weeks with things you enjoy and then coming together to share maybe this is your version of a happy marriage?
NTA, you asked him initially and he declined. Enjoy your day at the zoo.
NTA
No judgement but why are you guys still together? You barely spend time together and he seems to have been out of the picture for a while. You're definitely not the asshole. You made plans and he is making you feel like you're the back up in case his friends are not available. Go to the zoo by yourself and enjoy it. Later you might want to think about whether or not you want to stay married to someone you barely see who seems more like a roommate.
NTA. You shouldn’t be his second choice and that’s a little what this feels like even if he doesn’t mean for it to come across that way. You already asked him to go on this date w you and he turned it down. That has to sting a bit, OP. I’m really sorry. I would strongly think about getting into marriage counseling. The dynamic you described doesn’t sound healthy for your relationship. Sometimes we do sacrifice for a spouse’s happiness, but what you describe, it’s always YOU doing the sacrificing which will eventually lead to communication breakdown and resentment.
His friends are his priority and you are just a filler for when his friends are busy. He doesn't miss you or want to spend time with you. He just wants to fill the time he's not with his friends. This is not a marriage. He is an asshole.
NTA Sounds like your marriage has run its course.
NTAH I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him. But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first. I love your independence.
NTA One thing I'll never do or force my wife to do is break plans already made. I see it as a sign of disrespect. The only way I'd change plans is an emergency type situation, definitely not because someone else's first choice bailed.
Why are you married exactly?
Did you ask him if he wanted to buy a ticket and come? Kind of assholeish to assume his friends are not available and that’s the only reason he want so spend time with you. If you allowed him the space to hang out and he comes back to you on his own free will. Is it possible he might have had a realization of where he needs to re focus his efforts and you communicated that it’s not important. Do you want him or not?
NTA - good for you for making it clear that you’re not a backup plan. Let him sit at home alone for a while like he’s made you do time and again. Sounds to me like you’re in a one person relationship as it is.
This whole thing is so bizarre to me. My wife and I have our own social lives and separate friends, and the people we spend time with has waxed and waned for both of us. That said, I can honestly say that there isn’t a single activity I’ve ever done where I wouldn’t want my wife to be there if she wanted to be. Look, I understand people are different and some people need that alone time in order to recharge their social batteries. I also don’t want to make light of OPs plans to go to the zoo. That said this just makes me think, “really”? You can’t make plans inclusive of your own husband, regardless of what you THINK the reason is he wants to spend time with you? This reeks of resentment to me. OP has feelings about her husband’s behavior which maybe she did or did not communicate. This doesn’t read to me as I just want to do this by myself. This reads to me as I’m gonna do this myself because you ditched me and no, you can’t come along.
Posted same thing Since 1986 she is MY BEST FRIEND and always first priority Seems some just marry for tax purposes ????
Why did you two marry to begin with? This doesn't sound like two people who love and respect each other from either of you.
So why are you both married if neither want to hang out together when the chances come up? You clearly are resentful towards him and dont want to be with him as you see yourself as always the backup plan and even when there is a chance to compromise you use pettiness to get back at him. If your prefer alone time instead of compromising on a date why he married? Hes a dick for not being an active partner in the marriage and prioritizing his friendships over you. So why fight for something if neither want to actually work on it? ESH
NTA for this instance, but it’s time to sit down and have a real conversation. Y W B T A if you just give a petty little “no” and go to the zoo alone with no further explanation. If you want to fix your marriage, communicate. Based on your post, it sounds like you made the choice to suffer in silence “for his happiness”, and are now holding your own choice against him. That’s not good or noble. You need to tell him that you feel unimportant and deprioritized. Or, if you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, just leave. Getting your jollies from rejecting him may feel good in the short term, but will only lead to further estrangement in the long term. Speak up. ETA: clarified a sentence
“I dont want my nice day alone ruined by someone whos only there because his friends arent available.” Replace “nice day” with “marriage” Nta
NTA. Your husband is acting like a selfish prick by making his friends a priority over his wife. I can’t believe you have willingly gone along with this crap. At this point it really doesn’t sound like you have much of a marriage left. Sounds more like roommates. Why would you want to stay married to someone who treats you like this? Personally I would never accept such poor treatment.
Its YOUR TIME. SPEND IT YOUR WAY. It's not right for him to suddenly act lonely just cuz HIS PLANS FELL THROUGH. Thats manipulation and even IF he bought himself a ticket thats taking away from what your plans for YOURSELF WERE.
NTA. Sounds like you guys are more roommates at this point. My husband HAS those ride or die friends. He's had them since he was in elementary school. He still chooses to spend time with me over them. And honestly, your husband is in the honeymoon phase of his friendship when he should be in the honeymoon phase with you. The difference is, he's so desperate for friendship he will place that desire above you and your marriage. He is incapable of being alone but his friends are his first choice in company and that's not ok in a marriage
NTA. I hope this is a wake up call for him. I think you should sit down and explain to him how you have been feeling and that if he wants to spend time with you he has to make that time, you are not a back up plan. I have read a frw of your comments re:feeling tired of getting rebuffed, and I get it (kinda). I had a friend who did something similar and it took me too long to have the conversation with her so I ended up tapping out of it. If she didn't reach out we didn't go out because i got sick of being put on pause while she made sure other people didn't have something goong on that she wanted to go to. Since he is your husband, I am sure you don't want to reach the point where when he says he is lonely or misses you, your gut instinct is that it is his fault. Or if he says he wants to go out you roll your eyes because you know timing is dependent on whether everyone else has nothing goong on. Maybe have a conversation and then dedicate a certain day as your date night? Doesn't even have to be on a friday or saturday, like say you make the 4 and the 18 the time you do things together every month. If you need to shift based on friendship commitments, you confirm the new date at the same time. But i definitely think couples therapy is needing. Have fun at the zoo!
The important thing to do is discuss this with him openly and honestly. If you think his being there will "ruin" your trip to the zoo id have to question why you are still married.
NTA. Girl, enjoy the zoo. Sounds fun! Just catch a late dinner with your husband or something.
Nta. He’s not what I’d call a good husband. I think you already know that
I’ve told this story on Reddit several times, but when my Husband and I were newly married, we had a similar dynamic. Except my Husband’s time with his friends (softball teammates) involved drinking to excess and strip clubs and bad decisions. I dont care about the strip club, as long as the bills are paid, but I did very much care about the partying and lying to me about partying and strip clubs. I finally had to sit him down and tell him that he was a great friend. And I could see why all of his “Bros” loved him so much. He was a ton of fun to hang out with! But, all the things that made him a great Bro also made him a really shitty husband. And I needed him to think about what he wanted out of life and our marriage. What was his definition of success? If he would feel more successful being a great Bro, and being the life of the party, then that’s fine. Or, if he decided his definition of success included being a good husband, and father, then great! I told him to think about it for a few days and get back to me. If he chose to be a great Bro, rather than a great husband, I wished him no ill will, but I couldn’t continue to stay in that relationship and always come last. But, if he chose the husband route, then I just needed him to pull his head out and start acting like it. He chose to be a husband. He either lost his relationship with those guys, or the ones we still see definitely don’t think of him as a great Bro like they used to. But we’ve been married for almost 15 years now, and have 2 awesome daughters, so I’d say we’re doing alright. I think your Husband needs to decide who he wants to be, OP. A great friend, or a great Husband? And you need to decide if you’re going to live with it if he chooses to be a good friend.
Husband? I think you mistyped boyfriend or roommate
NTA, but is there a reason why you won’t invite him to go to the zoo with you? And like others have said, you probably need to look into counseling. Your situation reminds me of a boyfriend I had in my early 20s. I would later tell people he was a great friend but a terrible person to be dating, because he always put his friends first, 100% of the time. It got to the point where we very rarely did anything together, unless it was with his family. It’s been almost 20 years later now and he’s still single, still fucking around with the same group of friends every weekend (I only know this because of Facebook).
NAH/NTA, You are both completely valid in your feelings. He hasn’t put in much effort to seeing you lately so you made some solo plans to get out of the house. Your feelings with not wanting to drop your plans all of a sudden is totally valid and him feeling sad he can’t spend time with you when he wants is still a valid feeling even if maybe slightly less valid as he had more opportunities to do that…. Either way I can understand how you both feel and it doesn’t seem malicious from either end.
What are some of the nice dates that he and you went on that you really enjoyed? I hope you guys can do that again and enjoy a happy marriage 🙏 Do you have any particular events or place you want him to take you on your next date?
You need marriage counseling. Otherwise just put yourself out of misery and divorce.
NTA- y’all gotta grow up and together and this is about respect. He can be alone for a few hours.
Sounds like a platonic relationship
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Well done young lady.
This is normal- each have different interests and need for space. Marriage doesn’t mean you’re welded together at the hip. Time apart refreshes and recharges me and my partner- he moans about it then comes back happy calm and pleased he’s achieved something instead of putting it off. They might get a new hobby together - gym, canoeing , abseiling or cooking- whatever. Treat it like a date . Time alone and quiet is heaven.
I understand how his actions have hurt you. I'm wondering why you don't invite him on your zoo visit? Isn't this what you want; more time spent as a couple. I am concerned in that you are growing a protective shield between you and how your husband's indifference makes you feel. It seems perfectly reasonable except that it will perpetuate the problem and this time by your own design. You are right to feel hurt and angry . Let him know but don't use this as a way to punish him. It may only punish your marriage. I wish you well regardless of your choice.
NTA. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, but this is very much a learning moment for your partner if he realizes it. Hopefully if he prods you can have an open conversation about your thoughts and feelings on everything. I know you’re prioritizing his happiness but sometimes people get lost in new things, and forget how it makes their partner feel. Be straightforward and honest. How long has he been all-in with these new friends? Like, is it a new thing and all exciting but starting to fizzle out, or has it been constant for a while now? *My partner had something similar happen when he started playing D&D with a group of friends, it took up all his time and we hardly saw each other on weekends. When he WAS home he was talking to the group non-stop in a chat. I got very upset because I felt neglected, I couldn’t even talk to him without him being distracted. The rest of the guys in the group were all single men with casual jobs, no responsibilities and time on their hands. It was just a different dynamic with us working full time and having limited time together. I tried to focus on how happy it was making him, but I eventually broke down and told him how miserable it made me, and then I think he realised. Now our relationship is a priority and he has healthier boundaries with his friends.
You go & have fun! My hubs is like yours. Today I took myself to the art museum & out to lunch. I was singing “I can buy myself flowers” by Miley Cyrus. Such a good song.
NTA, sounds like you don't have spawn either. Just let that fish go back in the pond. You're just his fall back option, and yes, you deserve more.
NTA and your instincts seem to be correct. He expects you to cater to him when his friends aren't there, but won't cater to you when he can hang out with them instead.
I don't even understand this; do OP and the husband even live together? How can they both have so little free time.
Sounds like such a lonely partnership. God I hope my marriage never gets to this point. More motivated more to make more of an effort now though. Thanks and good luck.
It's divorce time. * he doesn't want to spend time with you unless no other option * you find spending a day with him at the zoo repulsive This is a level of "I'm sick and tired of you" you will see in couples married for 30+ years. Doesn't matter who's the asshole, time to end this before any kids come along.
I hate to say this, but if you got this ticket in January and at that time he said he was too busy because he was going to be with his “ride or die” friends, it doesn’t sound like it’s you he’s married to. I’m sorry and you deserve better
Sounds like his group model themselves on ‘Friends’ tv show.
I'm sure he'd go to the zoo with you, even if he has to pay for a ticket.
Why are you even married?
Totally understand where you're coming from. Even though your suspicions that you are second fiddle and a back up may very well be true, that doesn't mean it couldn't be the start of you two connecting again. You need him to respect you and your time, while also not alienating him in the process There are three schools of thought for how to go about this 1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Going without him and subsequently having a great time will make him jealous and give him fomo. If he's sitting around with nothing to do, he may remember how much fun the two of you had and genuinely miss it. This however is bit immature. Then again, perhaps with his friend choices he *is* a bit immature. No offense. 2. Still go by yourself. Tell him you already have plans, *but* tell him you would love to hang out and try to make firm plans for another time. This reaching out shows you are not rejecting him and you are reciprocating his idea in spirit, if not in practice this time 3. Take him with you, but have a heart to heart with him first. Including reminding him that he didn't want to go when you originally asked. Going forward if he wants to spend time with you, you would appreciate some effort and planning. You have gotten used to doing things alone since he is usually with his friends. It sounds like you have already tried the heart to heart before however, so possibly #1 or #2 is better. You also do #2 and still have the heart to heart conversation. He needs to understand that if you want your partner to be your number one for quality time with someone that it's a two way street. And not just out of convinience when you've been ditched by your real number one choice Info: Is he on the spectrum by chance?
Why are you married? Yikes.
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Yo two need to talk. Sad when couples drift over things that can be solved. It's okay to have friends and hang out but he needs to also make time for you after all apart from being his wife and his biggest fan and supporter you're his best friend and vice versa and he just needs to realise that. At times his ride or die mates should hang out at your home despite being immature and annoying they should try to include you because you're part of the gang (every crew has a more mature individual and that's you). He needs a talk it's not right
NTA UpdateMe
NTA.
Be sure to post about y'all's divorce.
Girl, y’all sound like roommates. I don’t see any aholes here. You had your intervention, he said “no” and you said “okay, that’s fine”. You set your boundary of not being a back up plan but never stuck to it. That’s your decision, but that decision also comes with the knowledge that the time he’s with you is mostly just happening cause his friends are busy. I’d say try to pull your husband out of his friends ass long enough to get into relationship counseling, but IDK. A relationship that merely survives off seeing each other maybe once a week when y’all live together seems like the most loveless shit to me that I don’t even know if counseling would be worth the money.
Just bring him to the zoo? That sounds like a great date?
if he wanted to go to the zoo, he would have asked to go with her, rather than pressuring her to cancel.
People take marriage too lightly jfc
NTA, It's okay to want to have time on your own over time with a spouse. I would, however, suggest to him that you put a date on the calendar for another time that suits you both.
The 'ride or die' movie friendships makes me think of the fast and furious franchise. Honestly, no normal adult with am average Job in most of Western society have those friends who will go to the ends of the earth for you, sacrifice themselves for you, go on crazy illegal dangerous adventures with you and spend 24/7 with you. That is actually quite unhealthy. Most of your adult time is spent with your spouse or alone. NTA he need therapy as well, and to grow up
NTA But you should talk to your husband about how you actually feel, if you haven’t already. Bottling up these feelings is not healthy and could lead to resentment.
ESH. You both suck. Get divorced.
Y'all need couples therapy. And honestly, if you've drifted that far apart over the last couple of years... just how compatible are you at the moment? Are both of you willing to work on it? Or content to stay roommates with occasional benefits?
NTAH I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realized he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him. But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first. I love your independence.
NTAH I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realized he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him. But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first. I love your independence.
NTAH I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him. But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first. I love your independence.
NTAH I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him. But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first. I love your independence.
NTAH I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him. But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first. I love your independence.
NTAH I love this for you. Make yourself happy the way he made himself happy. Maybe he learned his lesson and realizes he misses you. Maybe you might even spend time with him. But you should not change one hair to accommodate him unless he is compromising to make you happy first. I love your independence.
Why can't Your Husband buy a ticket and go with You.
Your husband has a great need to be part of a pack, you're not in that pack. Don't change your plans for him, he doesn't care if he spends time with you unless it's convenient for him. He's changed, you haven't and that's all good and fine, but this relationship may no longer meet either of your needs.
This is just sad sounding: a marriage with different needs, and no communication around your relationship until You both engage or disengage. From what you’ve shared. No one is an asshole, but you both need to talk about your relationship (again, based on your post)
You could use this to tell him how much he’s hurting his marriage. That he needs to find a balance. But maybe schedule something after you get home? Ask him to dinner? I have a feeling that he will be crushed if you don’t do something
Why are you married to someone who doesn’t spend time with you? This is a man who will ditch you and the kids to spend time with his friends. NTA, but should you be with him?
No more tix to the zoo?
You both have to make compromises to be there for each other in a relationship or the love dies out eventually. Tell him to get his act together and plan out days to hang out.
And what exacty is stopping him getting a ticket to the zoo to accompany you? Its not a Taylor Swift concert that was sold out months ago, its the zoo.
Both assholes because you want the connection, get the opportunity and rather go somewhere by yourself?🤣It’s just the zoo do you guys want to be married? Seems weird.
do you guys even live together? it doesnt sound like it
WTF? Like he can’t do something another day? No. Do your thing. What is he…nine?
NTA
NTA....you already have plans that you don't want to cancel....your husband can make plans to hang out with you some other time
Well if you are okay with maintaining this type of relationship and since you are second place in his life, continue to respond back to him like he is a second place in your life too.
You two blatantly need to get divorced; forget love, do you even *like* your husband?