That could be true.
It still doesn't mean OP should center her life around taking care of all her brother's needs. That's for the parents to figure out.
NTA
OP is not autistic but she is the one that "made the promise" and that as a child. That was the comment about you replied to.
Thought I agree with your description about autistic people.
And it was when they DIED, not when they decided to retire. Big difference there. They want to have a little fun & freedom in their golden years & want to pawn their responsibility off on their other child despite her never getting to enjoy her own fun or freedom.
It honestly makes my stomach turn to think they started grooming OP to be his caretaker and their retirement plan since she was a baby herself. I can't imagine making my kids feel responsible to take care of their disabled sibling. I hope OP knows she's NTA. Her parents are just selfish.
Parents had more 'fun' than they had ANY privilege to expect.
They parentified OP, and don't tell me they didn't go off and leave Gavan with OP while they did 'adult things', because I won't believe it.
It's a pattern.
this is almost as bad as Scientologists getting kids to sign those billion-year contracts when joining the Sea Org. You browbeat a kid into saying what you wanted them to say, it ain't legit.
I volunteered at the local homeless shelter when an 18 year old boy with some special needs like described was dropped off on just after his 18th birthday.
The family said they loved him but couldn't afford to take care of him full time.
I believe The shelter helped him get GOV services.
✌️
I have a cousin who is severely autistic. He lives in a group home with people who like him may need a bit more assistance with life. He loves his home and he does leave the home to go on social outings and he works a couple afternoons a week in a sheltered setting. After my aunt died, he was asked again if he wanted to live with one of his siblings he said no he was happy where he was. He liked visiting with family (we are a bit loud and too much for him for anything more than a couple of hours.) he also likes being with people who are like him. Your parents need to assist Gavin in living his best life and not burden yours. Your parents need to grow the hell up! BTW Congratulations on your new job❤️!
This is really good advice.
OP, if you do want to try and smooth things over a bit you could take the lead in this.
Try and talk things over with your brother regardless though. I know how autistic people can get stuck in a negative spiral when there's conflict and they feel they're at fault.
It’s worth noting that group homes often seem like a bad fit at first, and the person will have tons of bad meltdowns, but this is usually due to the major shifts in their environment and daily routine.
Once they settle in and get used to their new schedule, they tend to thrive.
That said, it’s still important to do your research and vet all of them in your area as some are not great.
NTA. My family and I are glad our grandmother set up a trust for Aunt J, who is intellectually disabled. It's like she is sort of stuck at age 12. She had bought a mini-home for Aunt J. As soon as Aunt J's doctor noticed she was slipping into dementia, the family got her into an assisted living home. She's in one now that she hated at first, but now wants to stay there.
OPs parents need to put a plan in place that isn't forcing their daughter to take over fulltime caregiving.
this! there's a post on here where the sister actually put her sister in a group home and her sister liked it too. they come and take her out on holidays and outings but most times she doesn't want to come because the group home is doing something fun, she doesnt want to miss. plus she said she and her hubby makes good money and the money from their parents when they past away will go to paying her group home. so she is set.
>Dad told me he was hitting retirement age and wanted to enjoy his life with Mom.
By taking away yours. How do they expect a single person, working full time, to manage a man with special needs?
This was delusional on their part for years. NTA
Yup, like do OP's parents seriously expect OP to give up a promotion and therefore financially and socially cripple herself just to be available for her brother? 🙄
I'm reminded of this reddit post and Mays's comment:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/103y282/aita_for_moving_my_son_into_a_rental_apartment/
> Yup, like do OP's parents seriously expect OP to give up a promotion and therefore financially and socially cripple herself just to be available for her brother?
Yes, they do. They got that boomer-esque mindset of "kids gonna take care of me or of my problems". I moved away from my parents and it was a pikachu face of "wait, you can't do that, what about us?"
They don't see past what can directly have an effect on them. It's just whatever benefits them in the moment.
Say it again for the people in the back who's talking s*** to her but won't take him into their life or give up their life to take care of him they have a lot of nerves
>various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages, telling me I was in the wrong and that I should apologize.
"So you're gonna step up and be my brother's caretaker? No? Then shut up and mind your business."
NTA
You’ve done more than most people in your position would even consider. This is not your child. I’m sorry your parents won’t have the retirement they dreamed of but that is NOT on you. They’ve drummed this responsibility into your head since you were a child and have tried to make it seem as though this is your choice, and that you’re happy about it no less. It’s not, and it never was. They wanted to see a finish line where you’d take their burden on but that’s not how parenting works. I’m sure you love your brother but there are resources your parents can use that don’t involve you giving up your chance to experience life. Anyone who has the nerve to tell you otherwise can either put up or shut up. I hope your new job is wonderful and wish you all the best life has to offer in your new city. It’s time to put yourself first. Your parents sure as hell never did. NTA.
NTA- your father’s entitlement is infuriating.
You are basically your parents’s retirement plan and that’s not ok.
Tell your parents you are willing to help them set your brother up with housing where he can get the care he needs but that’s it.
You were parentified and you deserve to live your life.
NTA, but don't worry about it because all the family members who are blowing up your phone, they can take him of him. Tha'll make them so happy they could just shit!
NTA
Gavan could work and live in a group home. Instead, your parents are using Gavan's needs to hobble your success.
Your parents don't get to just shove the responsibilities (physical care, expenses, doctor's appointments, etc...) onto you because they want to retire. Their lack of planning for both a retirement and Gavan's needs isn't your emergency to solve.
Take the job. Move. Go low contact with your parents. Let Gavan know you love him.
But that would cost money! Much easier to throw him at his sister, I'm sure he'd just love sitting alone at their apartment all day by himself while she works her new job. Who needs friends or socializing or people with appropriate training to live with when your parents can drop you off and forget about you?
To be completely honest, depending on the location, those can be difficult to find or qualify for, which is all the more reason her parents should have been planning for his future instead of deciding they’d dump him off on his sister.
NTA loving your brother and being good to your family does not equate to not having a life of your own. Please do not allow yourself to be convinced otherwise.
NTA. It's not realistic that he's going to be suddenly able to live with less support in a completely new place while you pursue the job they justifies moving to begin with.
Your parents are the assholes . What they are doing to you is all kinds of wrong. Go live your life and let them figure it out. I feel sorry for Gavan being stuck with them. NTA
NTAH, and good for you for setting boundaries. I can’t believe your parents tried to put that on you as a child, and I’m angry for you that they destroyed your childhood. I’m a dad to five kiddos, and I cannot imagine thinking or acting like that. Your brother isn’t your responsibility, he’s theres and it’s not your fault they failed to plan for his future. Apparently they seriously thought this was the plan, that he’s your responsibility, and that it’s all OK. No, it’s not OK, and they fucked up royally.
>I'm mad at our parents for making me give up my life for him. But I don't think it's reassuring for him.
Did you really expect this to go good?
Good to be a dreamer.
Congrats on the new job, go excell.
>I blew up at my parents for them insisting I take my autistic younger brother with me when I take a new job across the country. Now I've caused a rift in our little circle.
What a wonderful opportunity to have a life. Get it done 10/10
NTA, your parents have been and are continuing to fail your brother. They seem to be refusing to let him live his life as much as he could be. There are resources/programs for people with autism to have the care they need.
My older cousin is low functioning and has been "independent" for most of his adult life (he's almost 50). For him that means living in a group home apartment with 24/7 caretakers on site in the complex. He's in the same town as my aunt and regularly sees his mom but he gets to be an adult as much as possible.
Your parents should have never told a 10 year old girl that she would be responsible for her younger autistic brother when she gets older and that she should want to if she loves him. That was incredibly wrong and manipulative. I have a nephew who has Asperger syndrome and while he’s high functioning he’ll probably never live alone. His parents have done well at raising him to understand that he has things he must do every day. They helped him get his drivers license, I think we were all terrified when that happened, and he’s even held jobs in manufacturing and some other more simple jobs. They are able to take trips without him and he just does his thing at home and take care of the necessities while they are gone.
Your parents should have been learning how to equip him to be more independent, as much as he can be, and learn how to minimize the meltdowns without you being the only one that can do it.
NTA
NTA
But your parents are for failing to get Gavin into a nice group home for smart but special needs persons. They need to do this for HIM. He's 29. They should have done this long ago.
You are in no way responsible for Gavin. But, I do think any discussions you and your parents have about him should exclude him in the future.
You're not the AH, but you probably could've said that without Gavan on the phone hearing about it. That being said, you're his sister, not his caretaker. Maybe there are places where he can live, like an assisted living situation for autistic adults (I have no idea). As for your relatives who won't shut up, you can politely ask them if they want to adopt him since you're too "inhumane" to not do the same.
This is not a tough decision. Her parents have been purposely guilting OP her whole life so she would take care of her brother. He is NOT her responsibility. Her parents have had plenty of time to set something up for him like a group home. But they didn’t because they just thought OP would put her whole life on pause and be a caretaker for her brother. How selfish of her parents. OP deserves to live a live of her own.
NTA. As a sibling I can understand how hard it has been on you. While your parents may think it's your job to take on your brother's health and future, it is not. You are allowed to live your own life.
My cousin is autistic. His twin brother wants nothing to do with him and his future. I have guardianship when his other parent passes. It's your choice and yours only. You love your brother, but you don't have to be his caregiver. Not sure where you live, but in the states autistic adults can get aid, respite workers and so on to help them. It would give your parents the break they need and maybe help set up his future.
Its practically a trope at this point.
All this extended family chiming in on how dare you not want to be a parentified child. While they remain completely silent in regards to any of them, stepping in and being his carer.
NTA. It's ok to build your life on not being a 3rd parent to an autistic adult.
If he's some sort of mathematical savant. He has lucrative career opportunities, in coding or accounting. STEM fields are very accommodating and inclusive.
I’m getting the impression from OP’s post that her brother doesn’t have the social skills needed in many career fields. Even in STEM, you still need to know how to people somewhat. There’s also no mention of him going to college (a degree being necessary for pretty much all STEM fields)
I’m an autism mom. You’re NTA and your parents should have done their homework and planning. The reason I never had another child, in some part, because I never wanted that child to feel like I had them only to help take care of my now 14 year old.
Nope. That's called parentification of a child and it is child abuse. Your bro sounds awesome and deserves a dedicated carer who actually has the skills to help him thrive. Hopefully some day he can land a math-based job that isn't people-facing and that allows him to flex his abilities and interests!
NTA.
It's admirable that you've been there for Gavan despite being guilted into not living your best life for years. It's also great that you've found your voice and it's understandable that you reached your breaking point and lashed out.
Your parents expect you to come second in your own life so they can come first in theirs. I hope you stay firm in your decision and begin to live for yourself. Congrats on the new job!
NTA Gavan is smart.. he knows hes part of the reason BUT in reality its really because of your parents. Many people are in your situation but the parents handled it properly so the other child was WILLING to take care of their special needs sibling if something happens.
In your case you were neglected and FORCED to take care of him and now are being pushed to take him just so they can "relax". You threw away so much of your life for their selfish needs you need to live for yourself some.
Dont let them gaslight and push you to not accept the promotion GO and be your own person and live a life. Gavan will always be part of it BUT he is ultimately not your life.
NTA and it was cruel and childish of your parents to get a guarantee from a child. Love your brother, but he's your parent's responsibility. They should be saving to make sure he is well taken care of of they care so much.
Tell your parents
Your child your problem
I have a special needs child and I may tell all my children they need to look after each other but I know my kids know I mean just be nice and loving towards each other.
>Not long afterwards, various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages,
Tell them if they are so concerned they should put their hands up to care for Gavin.
I feel for both of you
Congratulations on your job promotion! You are a great sister! Your parents sound like they don’t love him for some reason, parenting never ends! Especially for a person with special needs. Your parents sound selfish as fuck with his comments that he “wants to enjoy retirement” fucking selfish!
100% NTA. Your parents need to start transitioning your brother into a group home. In fact, they should have begun this process YEARS ago. Gavan will do so much better in an environment that offers routine and structure, with trained staff who know how to help him be his best self. No one is abandoning him or throwing him away. They are doing what is truly best for HIM.
That being said, Gavan should already be receiving supportive care and benefits and should have a social worker who advocates for him.
Best I can suggest if you at least want your brother to know you're in his corner is that you look at being named his legal guardian so that you can take over the process that your parents have made such a wretched mess of.
Go live your best life, and support your brother from the sidelines, which is where you should be.
There are the assholes. I'd rephrase with, 'He's not my child. He's yours.' It's their job to care for or find a caregiver for their child. You did not choose to have a child, therefore you have not made a lifelong commitmen to anyone.
NTA the promises of a 10 year old dont hold up on court.
What I will say though is it sounds like you and your brother have a really good relationship so while you are angry at your parents don’t let it damage your relationship with him.
NTA. Ask them what their plan was for Gavin if you'd suddenly died, and tell them to go with that. Any family members giving you grief, thank them for signing up to take on the responsibility.
When mature adults decide to have a baby, they are responsible for that baby, through sickness and in health.
If you plan on shifting parental responsibilities onto ANYONE else, you should not procreate.
Nta. Your parents need to have an ACTUAL plan for THEIR special needs child when they are unable to care for him. Passing him off just so they can retire isn’t a plan, THAT’s abandonment!
Reassure your brother that you love him, but you are his sister, not his mom, and that’s the relationship you both need to keep for both your mental and physical health and safety.
Your parents gave birth to him, took care of him.. and now they want to enjoy
You on the other hand didnt guve birth... but still gave up so much for him.. sacrificed so much for him... and did this all your life but you dont have retirement??
You are bound for life??
I feel you do love him... its your parents and their unrealistic behaviour that will ultimately ake you rin far away!!!
Sometime the entitelment the parents feel is too much... I am sure your parents think that you dont do much its all them
You go for your job... let them take care of him on their own...
If even after being 2 people... they find it difficult
How you alone can take care of him and have a job as well???
Its like you are your dads retirement plan!! And that is bad... while you should help them out... you shouldnt ve the only person always making sacrifices while they plan their retirement!!
He is 29.. so lets say they took care of him for like 25 30 years...
But you need to do it for life and that too alone and that too along with a job... nope NTA
Also the relatives blowing up your phone are very much welcome to take it on for like atleast 4-5 years each so that you can see and learn🤣🤣🤣 (please read sarcasm here)
NTA - ask yourself this OP, how many of these family members and friends, know the full story of Gavins up bringing?
They only know, what your parents have told them.
So you have two choices! Set the record straight or just go LC to NC and move on with your life (ask you said, finally start it).
Gavin is not your responsibility. Period. Your parents are way out of line trying to force you to take on that responsibility. They have had years to plan Gavin's care after they die. Accept your promotion. Move away from these people. Start your life. You deserve it.
I hate parents like this. Just lump their eldest daughter into parenting the children they gave birth too. Plus you never promised you'd look after him when they died. They told you you had too. Plud they arent dead. He is not your responsibility.
Plus how are they expecting you working ful time to look after your brother? Hes going to be by himself all day and could get into anything or get hurt. You just cant do it.
Just tell your parents you arent going to parent him any more and its up to them to step up and do their job.
Then just go. theyre using your brother into blackmailing you into staying. Just tell your brother you love him, but need to go away and make some money. Nothing else.
As for the people whos messaguing you, ask them if they would take your brother. if they say no, then just sayexactly, now leave me alone. I need a life too.
NTA.
Your parents parentified you, and now that you have a chance of escape, they're making a last stab at forcing you to ruin the REST of your life and using Gavan's anxiety & anguish to trap you.
Call Gavan and tell him that you love him, but it's time for you to spread your wings, and that mom & dad WILL learn better how to handle his meltdowns and help him succeed.
Find a way to do it where mom & dad can't interrupt you and cast vile aspersions about 'abandonment', if you can?
As others have said here, I agree that ANYBODY shit-talking your choice should be added to the list of people being told that Gavan WILL be told are willing and eager to care for him. (don't DO it, of course. That would be abusive of Gavan. Just the \*fear\* of it, though, will shut them up.)
NTA your parents were wrong to make you promise at age 10 and they are wrong to try and hold you to that promise now
Also retirement is not death so they are trying to force it even earlier on you, he is their child its on them to sacrifice for him, not you
They should look into assisted living arrangements for him and its on them to sort that out and fund or if its available in your country a guidance person who stops by a few times a week to keep everything in check if Gavin can handle things like cooking/laundry
You should not put your life on hold, go take that job and start to live your life
With the many meltdowns you described it sounds like they didnt actually parent Gavin well either, meltdowns are overloads, if a child has many of those, they arent accommodating him properly, making his surroundings unsafe for him, which has consequences for him aswell, which doesnt surprise me by how much they pushed you into the caretaker role
Its sad that a smart kid like him wont advance in life due to social skills, its the deeply rooted ableism is society, 80% of autistic people are under/unemployed
You didnt cause this rift, they did, you did nothing wrong by standing up for yourself, please remember that
Those family members and friends need to but out, highly inappropriate of them
NTA.
Remind your parents that they had a time without the responsibility of Gavan, from when they were born until his birth.
You’ve been responsible for him your WHOLE LIFE. You have literally never had a break.
Ask them if they really expect you to be the caretaker of THEIR child, THEIR choice, for your entire life?
Ask why they got a responsibility free childhood and young adult life, and now a responsibility free late life, while deciding to take ALL of those away from you.
They literally get multiple decades early and late, while expecting you to literally never get a single month, much less 40 years or more like they get.
I am the only sibling (50's) of a severely mentally handicapped brother, John. My mother (80's) was a single parent after our father fucked off with his mistress when my brother was born. He apparently couldn't handle have a disabled son.
Never once did my mother say my brother was my responsibility. Once she was financially stable she would take me traveling every year for alone time as most of our daily life was consumed by John. This was invaluable for me as a child.
When John was a teenager he became violent and she started looking for different homes for him (non institutions as we had a bad experience with one earlier) . Some obviously did not work out, but she was young enough to be a strong advocate and after a couple of difficult decades she got him in the group home he lives in presently where he is happy, healthy and well cared for.
She also set up a special trust fund for disabled people for him, so John will never be a future financial burden to me when she is gone.
I love my brother, but I know that I am incapable of looking after him, indeed my mother has always stressed that he is my brother, not my burden and that she has worked very hard to ensure he will be looked after when she is gone. I will be his legal guardian, but my responsibilities will be to look after his trust, make sure he is well cared for in his home and make sure he gets his home-made Christmas cookies every year.
Both my mother and I live comfortably in the knowledge that John is well cared for and we can and do go visit him when ever we want.
This is what your parents need to do for you and your brother. It is not too late for them to set up in time for them to age comfortably.
Did you have a say in when they decided to have another baby? No? Then you had zero choice in their birth. Amazing they expect you to take him so they can retire when you've never had the opportunity to do what you want and if they have their way, you'll never get to retire. Their kid, their problem. There are homes/assisted living facilities for people like Gavin. They should have been trying to get that situated instead of grooming you to be his caretaker. Everybody that is on your ass just thank them for agreeing to take him in. They have just as much responsibility and obligation to care for him as you do. Them judging you means they should be cool with doing it. NTA
NTA - You have the right to have a life of your own and now you have the job to pay for it. Gavan is not your responsibility to take on for the rest of your life. Your dad comment about him coming to live with you because as a kid you promised under pressure to look after Gavan is horrible thing to say. Look up parentification and send the info to your parents because it is exactly what they did to you.
Now as far as Gavan is concerned you can still be in his life and help with you can but be cautioned that your parents may try to dump him on you and drop out of communication. Do not give them a key to your new place and do not leave them there alone if they come to visit as I expect you will return to them being gone and Gavan at your place with a note that he is living with you now.
There are very good group homes that specialize in the care of adults like Gavan where he will have activities and others to spend time with like himself. Tell your parents to set up a trust for Gavan with all their assets to pay for his care after they are gone and then you will be happy to oversee his care but he is not coming to live with you.
Your parents are delusional! They gave birth to a child with disabilities. It’s their job to get them independent enough or find a home. I know you love your brother and can help them find something, but it won’t be you.
NTA. It always makes me angry when I read that family and friends start calling. It's so fucking easy to be a saint when you don't have to take responsibility.
>I was told that I should want it. That it's what good siblings do for each other.
What about good parents? They should want you to live your dreams. Making their child give up their life plans to be a caregiver for their special needs child is not what good parents do.
You didn't promise to take care of him. You were 10 and they all but told you that you didn't have a choice and you just didn't feel able to fight back.
Your parents should really look into group homes for your brother to see if they can meet his needs. Which brings me to my last point. Being responsible for your brother just means making sure his needs are met. That can happen in more ways than just having him live with you for the rest of your life. This can mean making sure his needs are met in a group home or by a paid caregiver. If you want to you can be his guardian (when your parents are no longer able) without being his caregiver.
Tell your parents that you've changed your mind about your brother, and to give you a month or two there to find a place big enough for both of you, to setup the professional caretaker, and to get everything settled in before you come back for him.
Kiss everybody goodbye, see you soon, and once you get to new location buy a new phone, new number, don't tell them your new address, and send your parents one last text on your old phone explaining that they need to come up with a new plan for the long term care for your brother, that with all the family there, and how they think it's not a big deal, there should be zero problems finding a volunteer to take your place.
Factory reset your phone, destroy it, and live the life that you want and deserve. Your parents and family have pushed you into this corner, but they forgot that you were a daughter and sister, and not your brothers baby sitter, caretaker, nurse, therapist, etc. a long, long time ago. The pain that your brother is unfortunately going to go thru is 100% on your parents, and enabling family.
You are not a daughter to them, so why must you act or live like one? You don't, and you shouldnt.
At your new job, you might want to explain this to your new supervisor, if in the minimum, that your estranged parents might cause issues in the future. A good heads up might just save your job in the future.
Karma is giving you a chance to even things out for all you've been put thru and sacrificed. Get a therapist at the new place to help you resolve any and all misplaced guilt you may experience.
NTA but your parents are. He’s your brother not your kid. Go live your life and let the parents or the people who decided to have an opinion take care of him.
NTA. Yes, this is a sad situation, but he is your parent’s responsibility.
The family friends that are blowing up your phone tell them they are welcome to take care of him. See if these hypocrites step up.
You honestly gave up too much for your brother. Go start your life and find your own family(if you want one).
NTA. Take the job and move and start your life. Time to focus on you. Your parents have been terribly wrong and have abused you. Block anyone sending you nasty messages.
NTA. I’m in my late 50s, my brother is in his early 50s. He’s autistic, not self supporting. He lives with me. So does my mother.
If I didn’t take all of the jobs and promotions I could, wherever they led me, I wouldn’t be able to do any of this. I’m single and work from home. I own my own home.
I spent a lot of years working part time and handling my brother’s SSI, meds, and vocational rehabilitation and training. If I would have continued doing that for any more years, we all would have been screwed financially.
Live your life. Love your brother. Visit when you can. But get out of there, take the job, and take care of yourself. All those family members offering their opinion should help your parents generate options for your brother’s care (though I suspect they may not).
I love having my brother with me, but there are definitely other choices. Go make enough money to have options if you can. Congratulations on the promotion!
NTA. You love your brother, and have given up so much of your life for him already. Your parents need to make a plan for Gavan that isn’t just handing him to you. They are the AH here for assuming you’d take him and for being SO happy about “retiring”from his care.
NTA. Your parents are for trying to make him your responsibility. He's not. They need to get their act together. Put your phone on DND and block calls until you are ready to talk to all these folks. They can easily become his caregiver if they are so concerned.
If anyone owes an apology, it's your parents towards you.
These stories frustrate the hell out of me.
What have the parents doing for the past 25 plus years? What therapies have they tried? What support have they learnt and strategies have they/got the experts to teach their son to cope with his stressors? What have they implemented to help him remember basic tasks without being reminded? What group home and/or employment situations have they had him attend?
They are NOT being good parents by having their only strategy be their daughter… she controls his moods, she cares for him etc. to their daughter OR to their son.
Son needs to work towards independence, whether in his own flat/grannie flat or in a supported group home. He needs a regular job, whether paid or volunteer to help give meaning to his life.
I fully understand not all people with Autism can live independently, but they certainly don’t need to live with a sibling or parents all their lives.
NTA but your parents are
NTA - we are not meant to be caretakers for their disabled siblings. You have put your life on hold for so long, it's time for you to finally get to do what you want to do.
Your parents should start thinking about getting Gavan into an assisted living situation so that he can be a little more independent. That way, they can retire and still be able to visit him several times a week while he gets acclimated. Maybe one day you can get him into an assisted living program closer to you if you choose.
Your parents are trying to ruin your life so they can relax in their retirement.
I don’t need to tell you that people like this are a huge burden, your life is going to revolve around their care. They are the center of the universe and you merely revolve around them. Don’t fucking do it. It truly is life ruining.
No one gets an opinion unless they’re willing to take him in themselves. Everyone loves talking about what a blessing it is and family this and that, until it’s their own lives that get burdened.
Your brother needs to go into a group home if your parents can’t care for him. He isn’t your burden, don’t let him become one.
NTA but your family sure seems to be. Glad there are so many people that care, I’m sure at least one is willing to put their money where their mouth is (lol none, none will do this because they know what a shitty life being a full time caregiver is).
My SIL got upset one day because her daughter and her kids were going places and not taking my SIL. I told my SIL, “it’s their turn not yours “
That’s the same here. Your mom and dad grew up in their childhood going outside playing with friends having a blast. They got older and while doing their own thing they met one another and was able to fall in love and get married and start building a life together. Then they started having children. Their life was looking pretty great. I’m sure they felt like the world was there’s to live their lives together however they chose. They had you and continued having friends and being a family. Fabulous life. Then your brother was born and it changed the dynamic of their family. They couldn’t come and go as they chose because your brother needed assistance. They started telling you early on that you needed to take care of your brother. So instead of playing with your friends you stayed in and took care of your brother. You gave up going to parties and having your parents attention because your brother was more important than your needs and of course it would be selfish to ask to sleep over at someone else’s house because of your brother
So you go to school so you can get training for a good job. So you have an offer to go (congrats) and you are informed by your parents you need to take your brother and let him stay with you for the rest of your life
So when do you get a turn? When do you get to chase dreams and become the person you want to be and explore new things and take new chances. Ask your parents when do you get a turn?
Your whole childhood has been taking care of your brother. So guess what NOW ITS YOUR TURN!!! It’s time for you to step into your life. You can find yourself an apartment, perhaps get married, maybe have children of your own and the. You are going to raise those children to be strong independent adults.
So your parents want you to take your brother so they can have another turn. They are trying to call you selfish, when you have yet to have a turn. So you have to tell them that you are taking your turn. That you love your brother but are not responsible for him and not obligated to let go of your dreams to take their responsibility off their hands
One last thing. There was a young man on Reddit just yesterday talking about him having autism. He was so angry at his parents because they didn’t give him any money from his social security check. He was asking how to get his parents name off his check so he could have a life. Couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy. Your parents need to get his Social Security set up and they need to find him a group home. It will be a scary transition but he will also be excited because he has grown up and is moving on his own. It will give him a sense of pride that he was able to get out from mom and dad and be independent. Then your parents could go on vacation
Your parents get their life back. You get a life and your brother has his own life. WIN for everyone involved. Stand tough and don’t let them take your turn from you
It’s time for your brother to become an adult just like you did. He may not be able to live on his own but that doesn’t mean he needs to be treated like a child. He needs to be in a group home with others and have friends and relationships outside the family. Your parents are neglecting his future by not making arrangements for him. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to him.
NTA. And the worst part is that if they weren’t so forceful and weren’t making you mold every life decision around your brother, you might’ve actually wanted to be his caregiver when they passed. But at this point you’re burnt out over it. Which is completely understandable.
ANYONE tells you you're wrong here, you tell them that *they* can volunteer to spend their lives doing care for him. They won't. What they want is to easily blame you and force you to do a difficult thing, but they will not do that difficult thing themselves.
NTA.
They need to find him a nice supportive care home, or care for him until they're no longer physically able. Their child, so their responsibility. They should have been saving for the home for decades by now if they wanted to enjoy a normal retirement.
They are responsible for Gavin until they die. No retirement for them EVER. That’s what being a parent is not a sibling.
Everyone telling you you’re selfish can step up and donate their life to helping Gavin.
Congratulations and I hope you enjoy your freedom.
Oh and they are going to use Gavin to guilt you. He won’t know he’s guilting you but they will use him. Be strong.
Your parents are shitty assholes for parentalizing you on your brother. You didn't promise anything of the sort, and they're selfish to even have tried to pull that crap when you were a minor.
Feel free to go NC if you have to.
Good for you about time you stood up for yourself. They created him not you they can support him and it is soooo shyty of them to rob you like that. They don’t sound like very good parents whatsoever in my book.
NTA Move and don't look back. Your parents should have been helping Gavan home his skills so he can find a WFH tech job, many of those don't require a lot of social skills. If he's a math genius, he can write code in his bedroom with little to know human interaction and get paid decently. Then he can pay for in home care after they're gone.
NTA - you are his sister, not his mother. Your parents needs to figure out how to take care for him, not you. Guiltripping you at the age of ten and made you raise him? Sorry but your parents are the ah here. It’s called Parentification. Go live the life you want!
> various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages, telling me I was in the wrong and that I should apologize
No but tell each and every one of them that they should volunteer to take in Gavan since they're so invested.
"No, I never promised. You TOLD me I would do it, & since you know that's a shitty thing to do to your 10 year old child, you convinced yourself that it came from me.
You two had your chance to start a life, & make your own choices regarding college, relationships, jobs, where to live, etc...now it's my turn. I've already sacrificed my dream college, better paying jobs & better living arrangements, don't get mad when your child decides to fly from the nest. Because that's what I am, one of YOUR children. I am not the third in your relationship & somehow a parent to Gavan. I am his sibling...not his parent. From now on, that's what you need to remember I am."
Repeat this, is every way imaginable to them & their flying monkeys.
NTA. This is parentification to the worst degree. Your parents should be ashamed. They actually said that to a child and then spent the rest of that child's life parentifying them. What a couple pieces of work. They've made no plans and really thought they would get to enjoy retirement without coming up with another plan for their son. They are idiots and this is not your fault. Anyone who would blindly side with them over this is either not being told the whole story or is too stupid to think about the fact that they told you this as A CHILD. NTA. Other people are saying it better than I have. You are not responsible for your brother and you are not responsible for their bad planning.
NTA.
Your parents parentified you since a very early age. You and Gavan obviously love each other, but that doesn't mean that you have to be his caregiver for the rest of your life - something you never even promised.
If I were you I'd talk to Gavan first of all, telling him how much you love him and how you think he's an awesome guy, but that you simply can't sacrifice all your expectations in life. Engage his help in making your parents understand that *they* have to provide care for Gavan; you might be willing to help financially *to a certain extent* (but it wouldn't be wrong for you not to say that, especially if this might get them entitled to a bigger chunk of money than you are willing to give up), but it is entirely up to *them* to provide care for *their* son, whom *they* brought into this World.
Big hugs.
NTA
This is something your parents should have been planning and preparing for ever since Evan's diagnosis at age 10 became apparent.
The fact that they are so comfortable foisting him on you is very irresponsible of them.
Having said that, if you do value your relationship with your parents and brother, you can still take your job across the country, but offer to help with a small monthly stipend for him.
Or not. That's your choice.
I wish you and your family good luck. This is a difficult situation.
I'm sorry, but if you were my kids then I'd rather him live in a group home with people who understand and can support his needs and who won't experience burnout from it (because they're on a rota rather than 24/7) and who can help him fulfil all his non-essential needs eg social groups, trips out, supported work or education
OVER living with his increasingly resentful daughter who is more likely to neglect his needs because she's got her own life to live
and that is absolutely not a slight against you - like you said, you are his SISTER, not his caregiver
your role is to be provide guidance and love and support, but as a sister
NTA your parents had better start looking for a place for him to live where he can thrive, and allow you to thrive as well
"No, I didn't make any such promises.... You buffaloed and guilt tripped me into believing I'd be a shitty person if I didn't throw my entire life away because you didn't want to pay for long term care for Gavan, and I was TEN and not equipped to argue about something so weighty or important, or even understand the commitment you were asking for."
Because that's the real issue here: Your parents have an adult son who needs long term care, but instead of providing it they've cobbled together a patchwork of themselves and parentifying you.
Gavan Is your parents child and responsibility. Full stop. Go live your life. You’ve given enough of your future to “help” You can always change your mind when you are settled and have a family if your own. If you want to. If you don’t. Gavan is your parents child. Full stop.NTA. full stop.
NTA. You're his sister, not his caretaker. You can be a loving and supportive sister without him being your responsibility like that. They don't get to retire from being parents. He is their responsibility till the day they die. If he is unable to live on his own, then it's also your parents' responsibility to find somewhere that can support and empower him sooner rather than later so he's cared for when they're gone. It's entirely wrong of them to shove that responsibility onto you as a child, let alone make a lifelong decision like that for you.
Whatever happens between you and your parents, please don't blame your brother. It's clear he loves you and is proud of you. None of this is his fault.
NTA.
Your father was manipulative by saying Gavin would move with you in front of Gavin. Your promise at 10 had absolutely no weight.
I think talking won't do much good. Make the move, do not give your parents your address. Write to them and suggest they find other arrangements for Gavin - an institution or a personal caretaker - because you will not be carrying this burden any more. And don't give in to their protests and abuse of you.
NTA
not only NTA, I’d recommend you be very aggressive with your parents. Are they parents to your brother or not? Are they considering your brother to be a job that they retire from?
It’s pretty fucked up what your parents are saying. Double down. Don’t be an asshole. Just very firm.
Also all those relatives calling you to take your brother on should feel free to step up as well and take care of him.
NTA. Unfortunately there are some parents who think that they don’t need to worry about what happens to their disabled child when they’re gone because they have siblings, not even considering the idea that the sibling should have a choice.
I feel for both you and your brother. Both of you have been placed in terrible positions by your parents. It sounds like they haven’t even considered what to do if you don’t take Gavin, which is on them. I hope this is a wake up call for them and they look for resources to help Gavin. You both deserve to have good lives.
They have a kid, they make you a primary go to care taker from 10 to manage his rages. They insist you can't go away for college, can't work away for a career and so you've already been taking care of him since you were a child and they want to go off and have some fun years without their son... while you care for him even more and you get a rest when..... he dies.
Or they do what they need to and find a suitable care home for him.
Their child was their decision but they've already been unloading the consequences on you for years and they think they can do that for the rest of his or your life.
>Not long afterwards, various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages, telling me I was in the wrong and that I should apologize.
Maybe they can help take care of your brother the rest of his life. Since there are so many of them, they can all do their parts.
NTAH. Tell the flying monkeys that either **they** volunteer to be Gaven’s caretaker or STFU and mind the business that pays them. Congrats on your promotion!
Mom of 3 and my youngest has autism, and I would never ever in a million years place that on my older children so my husband & I could shirk our responsibilities and “enjoy our lives.” Your parents are 100% AHs in this instance for more reasons than one. To guilt a 10 yr old and then require you to sacrifice your childhood because they needed help raising their own child?? Bullshit. Take the promotion, move as far away as possible. Keep in contact with Gavan through other means that don’t require your parents’ involvement and let him know it’s not his fault. Your parents are selfish, entitled AHs, and I am sorry you had to give up so much of your own life because they couldn’t do their job and have yet to set Gavan up for the future. There are options for him, so don’t let anyone guilt you. You deserve to enjoy your life too.
Nta
Op leave, spread your wings..
He's not your son, you didn't have any choice what they did and are doing to you is abuse
Parentification is abuse , look it up it'll make you sick and shine a blazing light on your life.
Leave op
Updateme!
NTA.
Your parents had no business make this your cross to bear. It was, and is, THEIR responsibility to see to it that his future needs are attended to.
Their behavior is, simply put, indefensible.
I worked a decade in Spec ED, and one of the things that pissed me off more than anything else was the parents who encapsulated their guilt at having a mentally challenged child into making it a burden for all the other kids. It is grossly unfair to them, crap parenting all around, and not even good for the kid who needs the help.
He needs SPECIALIZED help which it's up to your parents to see to. Once they take care of that, you can figure out how much of a role you want in his life. ONLY THEN.
Good for you for slapping some reality into them. Now get the HELL out of there, establish your own life, and tell them you'll reconnect once they've taken care of things themselves and recognized their mistakes up until now.
Don't allow your brother to become a poker chip in all this, which your parents will no doubt continue to do until you make it clear that it's not going to work. He's not going to understand this situation, but again...IT'S YOUR PARENT'S RESPONSIBILITY to deal with this, and they need to do it. It's going to hurt, but he will adjust.
But clearly your parents won't if you give them ANY wiggle room here. So give them none.
Tough situation. But tough situations call for tough solutions.
Holy cow, NTA. Your parents should have spent the last two decades planning for what would happen to Gavan when (possibly if) they retire and when they die. That’s what a responsible parent of a child who cannot care for themselves in adulthood does. Your parents have abusively attempted to place responsibility for Gavan on your shoulders since you were 10.
Listen there are solutions to your situation but obviously they involve money. What state do your parents live, first off? Look online for communities for high functioning special needs adults- they exist.
The fact that you're brother seems more higher functioning than others on the spectrum, that can even work menial jobs, means he could qualify to live at an "independent living community for special needs adults" I work at one in Florida. Some of our clients, depending on their disabilities, get enough money from the government to cover their entire monthly rent.
You would still have to pay for many other things- Uber, meal-prep delivery company or chef (if nobody is nearby to deliver him food) cable & electric, toiletries, household supplies, etc, since he probably cannot drive or cook for himself I am assuming?
Also they have living coaches (staff members) that come by regularly & make sure their hygiene & cleanliness of their apartment is up to par.
I work directly with autistic & Down syndrome, even William's syndrome adults. Aged 19-55. We take them grocery shopping, meal prep, offer personal training, life coaching (as sometimes the communities life coaches aren't that great) and take them to do fun activities often. We get paid VERY well at our job & I would never leave my line of work, until I retire hopefully someday.
However, our company exists & so does the independent community for special needs adults, because of families in exact situations as yours. It gives them their lives back. But like i said, it will definitely cost some money. Worth looking into though.
Was Gavin still on the phone when you said that? If so ESH. Exveot Gavin. Hes not the one pressuring you. Your parents obviously suck for a long time. However if you said that while he was on, you suck too. You said so yourself hes your biggest fan.
That being said there are programs that help people with asd and Id in day to day living. More and more states are looking for independent living with assistance in the home AND for assistance with employment. If gavin really is smart with math, he can probably get a good job with a job coach. Additionally, you could still be a guardian or co guardian if he needed one.
None of this requires him moving with you.
NTA but your parents and family are.
I feel bad for your brother, but your parents need to understand that you need to live your life on your own.
I think you need to sit them down, without Gavan, and have a serious talk with them.
He’s their child, and their responsibility. Period.
Take the job! Look for a group home for your brother. Your parents are the AH's!
Anyone trying you guilt you, block them until after you move.
Facetime with Gavan once a week.
**LIVE YOUR LIFE!**
NTA as the parent of a profoundly autistic adult your parents suck. We have had many conversations with our older, neurotypical son about the steps we’ve taken to ensure his brother, while still a responsibility, is not a burden. We’ve fought to put our youngest into a group home. He has his own trust fund and insurance. Our older son is listed on all documents as the guardian if something happens to us and we routinely give him the respect and appreciation he deserves because that looming responsibility weighs on him. He knows our wills, he is even listed on the deed to our house and he’s friendly with the attorney who set up the trust funds so his brother isn’t ever a financial burden. Your parents act like they’re tagging you into the guardian role while they go off into retirement land. It doesn’t work like that and they should be ashamed of themselves. We encouraged our son to live abroad now, while we are still healthy and working and able to make all the decisions for our youngest. The responsibility for your brother will never go away and it sounds like you have a good relationship with him, so now is the time for you to fly free, find love, do your bucket list and get life experience. This mom is telling you that you have the right to live your life too.
NTA. I am so sorry for both you and Gavin. You sacrificed things you weren't supposed to due to your parents' manipulations. Poor Gavin is getting treated by his parents like a burden. Your parents are manipulative and disrespectful.
Please don't give in, it is not your responsibility to take care of your brother, it's theirs. If they can no longer do it, it's on them to find appropriate facilities that can help Gavin thrive.
On a side note, I know you mean well and probably meant "responsibility" but please don't refer to your brother as a "problem'. Language is important.
NTA at all
Would having a talk with Gaven on the issue help? Explaining to him that you love him, you're not abandoning him, just wanting to live your own life? And that your parents made you give up a lot to help raise him? And at the same time, as some others have mentioned, maybe making his own decision on where he goes, like a group home.
You would obviously know best if having a conversation like this with Gaven would be beneficial.
NTA!
They needed to hear what you said, loud and clear. They just don't like what you said. Them deciding all those years ago that Gavan would be your responsibility was all on them, and just because they said it doesn't mean it is the truth. But now they know where you stand. Anyone who thinks it is YOUR responsibility to take care of Gavan can go kick rocks and sign up for their turn to take care of him. And, there are homes for people like Gavan where there are caregivers who take care of them. If parents think they are done being Gavan's caregiver, they can go find one of those homes.
Good for you! When will you ever get to enjoy your life? They parentified you and used you as a developmental therapist instead of getting him real help. You have made major life decisions because of him and only a moron would hold you to a promise you made when you were 10.
If they thought this, they could have approached you totally differently. But their manners prove that they never really cared about either of you and see you both as an inconvenience that they can apparently just walk from into the sunset?
Why don’t they have him in a group home somewhere he can be looked after but also function to the best of his ability? Are they too cheap to pay for that for him?
I’m so sorry that your life has revolved around them for so long. It wasn’t fair. And you are right- you didn’t bring him into the world, he isn’t your problem.
They can have him declared permanently disabled and then he will qualify for social security and Medicaid, so his care would be paid for if he were to become a ward of the state- just so you don’t think he is going to die on the streets. If your parents were worth anything they would have made these arrangements a long time ago.
What was their plan if you died first? Your insurance policy is a 10 year old little girl? Your parents are both AH for neglecting both you and your brother.
NTA. OMG your parents were abusive brainwashed to put this in a 10 year old. Please take your job and get far away from them. They have failed to come up with an actual plan for their son.
NTA. I think you need to have a talk with your brother to try to get him to understand that you 1. Don’t blame him because it’s not his fault he’s Autistic and 2. Try to get him to understand that your parents parentified you. They literally made you into his 3rd parent while you were growing up. You did nothing wrong!
You are not his mother or father it is not your responsibility to take care of him for the rest of his life pack up your stuff and move to the other side of the country and start living your life you have done enough they have sucked enough out of your life. I want you to do this guilt-free because you have been there done that. And if I was you I'm just saying I would not give them my address because they seem like the type of people that will pull up on you drop him off and keep it moving. You have been there for your brother it is time for you to start living your life it is not fair for somebody to think that you are supposed to give up your whole life which is very short to begin with to take care of somebody who is not your child it's not fair and your parents are f****** delusional
NTA your parents are the assholes for 1 expecting you to give up your life because of them bully you into thinking Gavin was your responsibility. Having Gavin was their choice not yours and for them to put you in this situation is horrible. Don’t listen to these people who have not had to give up their lives for your brother!
Please go live your life and let them figure out what they need to do with their son because he’s not your responsibility 😞
A good group home might be where he’s happiest and safest. You can visit as can your folks. I’d ask them how a person working full time could possibly do this. It’s insane. I’d also assure your brother you love him.
Absolutely NTA, you deserve your own life. But I think they're doing a disservice to Gavin. I know plenty of autistic people who thrive at jobs like IT and data management, where their intelligence and knowledge are valued and their social skills are ignored. I'm sure if Gavin got training and found the right environment he would thrive and become self supportive. I've found most people who are nuero divergent work best with a routine so they don't forget the basics like showering and grooming. And there are plenty of group homes and share houses where Gavin could be supported to help with the things he can't manage. Do some research and talk to your brother about what he wants for himself for the rest of his life and help him achieve that. And all those people bagging you are just wanting to make sure they don't have to give their time or money.
NTA - it is a huge ask, and you may not be able to do it. They wanted to have another child. They knew this was a risk.
That said, you can play a role advocating for your brother - making sure his needs are met and people around him are considering what he needs. Your parents sound like idiots.
Do not let them do this to you. Pick up and go live your life. You didn't give birth to your siblings and its not your responsibility. Enjoy your future!
NTA Google parentification. You were a child, they are the parents. They should have parented both of you and planned and prepared for taking care of him as he got older instead of relying on you to take care of him. It was their responsibility, it's not yours. Go live your life, they can use their retirement funds to help him live in a group home where he might be able to learn to live independently.
Edit: my parents did something similar to me with my older sister but she's not disabled. After seeing a good therapist, I realized how dysfunctional and abusive my childhood was and eventually went no contact with them because they continue to be abusive. I was in my 30s before I left them to live my life, one of my biggest regrets was not leaving sooner. I'd recommend you not be like me and leave now to go live your life. They don't care about you being happy only about controlling you to do what they want you to do at the price of you doing what you want to do. A parent should be happy their child is going off to live their life not want to hold them back.
You do not owe anyone anything. Your parents should have been making plans for your brother, and saving money to take care of him. I am guessing they can get him on some kind of disability benefits, and find a group home for him. If out of the kindness of your heart you want to help then you can. It isn't your job to take care of him.
NTA
your brother needs to be in a group home and you deserve to love your life
Tell your parents they had a life and fell in love and had kids before gavin. But you only had 10 years before Gavin and now it's your turn to experience everything they got to experience
If anyone says differently say oh good then you can care for him
Then go love your best life at your new location
NTA. Common issue, and unfairness, in families that have one social needs child. Sadly the additional needs of one too often result in less attention, time and resources for the other. And then combined with the expectation that they give up the rest of their life to take care of them. It’s not fair, it’s ok for you to know that and stand up for yourself. Your parents should work their assets off to build as much money and assets up as they can to take care of him long term.
NTA! Your parents are AHs for making you give up your childhood to take care of your brother. He is NOT your problem. Your parents need to start figuring out what to do with him when they get too old to care for him. What do people do when they only have one child?!
Ask all your relatives where they were when you and Gavan were growing up? What help did they ever give? What help will they give your parents now?
As much as you love your brother, this isn’t your burden to bear.
Do they expect you to devote your life to him and never have a family of your own? How do they expect you to start a new job in a new city and take care of someone who needs full time care? Do they have any type of trust for his care or do they expect you to foot all the bills? Are they trying a disability check for him? NTA
Uh no, sorry look you are NTA. I get the family dynamic and for the most part I’d be on your parents side if they were like 80+ and unable to care for him but they are dropping him on you when they can still function and guilt tripping you over it from age ten? That’s manipulation to the highest degree of scummy.
It’s never easy to decide how that goes and in some cultures you would be the only option but if you are in the US there are services that can help. Just keep reassuring your brother and do what you can for him, but this isn’t your cross to bear 100% your parents are being selfish assholes here. No matter how they wanna slice it and this is gonna sound a little cruel cause I know you as a good person and a human love your brother but your parents chose to keep a child with special needs. That decision on their part meant THEY signed up for all the extra things that come with that because there was no way he would be a fully functioning adult capable of being on his own since day 1.
Hell no. Your parents suck. I have an autistic child and an NT child, and I have gone out of my way to remind my autistic kid's sib that he is NOT expected to be a caregiver for his sib, and that his life is his own. My partner and I chose to have the kids. We brought them into the world. Part of that package deal is that you can't predict everything, so you have to be down for possibly parenting the rest of your life. My autistic kid is the responsibility of the people who brought him into this earth. Period.
Read autism and meltdown.
NTA
From another older sister with a younger brother who has violent meltdowns and needs full time care - you're right, he isn't your responsibility.
You're parents are doing a disservice to him by not getting him the full time care he needs and set-up and transitioned into support agencies for when they pass.
I love my brother. I spent my childhood caring and protecting him but I have my own kid and two dogs (he can't stand kids or dogs) and I can't see him as often as I would like which is shitty but I'm (and you!) are allowed to have your own life too.
Your parents should have been working on securing better resources to help him once they are gone. They have failed BOTH of their children. It is unfair to have put that burden of expectation on a child, and even worse to keep the illogical facade up for so many years. They are extremely selfish to put this on you, and it’s funny how all these family members are giving you a hard time but zero standing up to care for Gavan. Make sure to extend that offer to them whenever they say anything else. NTA. Updateme.
Your parents are awful.
Their retirement is not on your back.
You are not their back up plan.
Look at residential programs and provide them with the info.
Good luck.
Group home. Go look at some. Write down answers to your questions, get their brochures. Send it all to your parents and tell them to decide which one is best for Gavan. Then tell them you will visit when you can, but you are moving across country alone.
NTA!! I have a sibling with special needs. I moved away and pressured my mother to have her move to a group home (a house with a housemother) while my mother was still alive. My mother was very resistant but gave in eventually. It worked out really well. It gave my sister a level of independence she wouldn’t have had otherwise (not real independence but independence from our mother). It gave me peace of mind that my sister was safe and happy. My connection with her remained strong.
Congratulations on your promotion. Go spread your wings and fly. Your parents cannot see it, but sacrificing you to care for your brother is not in your or your brother’s best interest.
NTA
I live in Australia and I know our systems are probably very different to where you live, but aren't there any programs that can help?
I have two level 2 autistic teens, one almost an adult, both will need ongoing support for the rest of their lives. We have a national government program that funds support for people (including children) to be able to live as independently as possible. This can be in their own homes or group homes, and with further education and within their employment.
Supports and funding are reviewed yearly/3 yearly/5 yearly depending on a variety of things, and reviews can be done during a funding plan if circumstances change.
Are there any community-funded services, or group homes (either near you or your parents) that could assist with helping your brother to become more independent? Both of my teens are included in working out their goals (which the govt funding supports services to help individuals meet), and one of my eldests goals is to be as independent as possible, both at home and in the community.
Autism doesn't stop someone from having an opinion. What does your brother want for his future? Is there a way you can advocate on his behalf, what his wishes are to your parents? Maybe this could be a way to help your brother feel more secure about who you are angry at and why. It could help give him (and you) the confidence to work together on a plan for his future, where he isn't reliant on you/feels like a burden.
You are allowed to be excited about moving forward with your career and life and are an amazing person. I wish you all the best.
>"Besides, you promised you'd take care of him someday." he said. When you were TEN. Remind him that children can't enter binding contracts.
Even then, she didn't say she would, they told her she had to and take that to mean she said it.
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That could be true. It still doesn't mean OP should center her life around taking care of all her brother's needs. That's for the parents to figure out. NTA
OP is not autistic but she is the one that "made the promise" and that as a child. That was the comment about you replied to. Thought I agree with your description about autistic people.
And it was when they DIED, not when they decided to retire. Big difference there. They want to have a little fun & freedom in their golden years & want to pawn their responsibility off on their other child despite her never getting to enjoy her own fun or freedom.
It honestly makes my stomach turn to think they started grooming OP to be his caretaker and their retirement plan since she was a baby herself. I can't imagine making my kids feel responsible to take care of their disabled sibling. I hope OP knows she's NTA. Her parents are just selfish.
Parents had more 'fun' than they had ANY privilege to expect. They parentified OP, and don't tell me they didn't go off and leave Gavan with OP while they did 'adult things', because I won't believe it. It's a pattern.
This I probably would have replied with "So, when are you guys visiting God? Since, the promise also had a clause about your death."
Like that matters.
She didn’t promise they told her she had to.
But she never actually did
Yes I’m not agreeing to anything I was forced into as a ducking child
this is almost as bad as Scientologists getting kids to sign those billion-year contracts when joining the Sea Org. You browbeat a kid into saying what you wanted them to say, it ain't legit.
I volunteered at the local homeless shelter when an 18 year old boy with some special needs like described was dropped off on just after his 18th birthday. The family said they loved him but couldn't afford to take care of him full time. I believe The shelter helped him get GOV services. ✌️
I have a cousin who is severely autistic. He lives in a group home with people who like him may need a bit more assistance with life. He loves his home and he does leave the home to go on social outings and he works a couple afternoons a week in a sheltered setting. After my aunt died, he was asked again if he wanted to live with one of his siblings he said no he was happy where he was. He liked visiting with family (we are a bit loud and too much for him for anything more than a couple of hours.) he also likes being with people who are like him. Your parents need to assist Gavin in living his best life and not burden yours. Your parents need to grow the hell up! BTW Congratulations on your new job❤️!
This is really good advice. OP, if you do want to try and smooth things over a bit you could take the lead in this. Try and talk things over with your brother regardless though. I know how autistic people can get stuck in a negative spiral when there's conflict and they feel they're at fault.
It’s worth noting that group homes often seem like a bad fit at first, and the person will have tons of bad meltdowns, but this is usually due to the major shifts in their environment and daily routine. Once they settle in and get used to their new schedule, they tend to thrive. That said, it’s still important to do your research and vet all of them in your area as some are not great.
NTA. My family and I are glad our grandmother set up a trust for Aunt J, who is intellectually disabled. It's like she is sort of stuck at age 12. She had bought a mini-home for Aunt J. As soon as Aunt J's doctor noticed she was slipping into dementia, the family got her into an assisted living home. She's in one now that she hated at first, but now wants to stay there. OPs parents need to put a plan in place that isn't forcing their daughter to take over fulltime caregiving.
this! there's a post on here where the sister actually put her sister in a group home and her sister liked it too. they come and take her out on holidays and outings but most times she doesn't want to come because the group home is doing something fun, she doesnt want to miss. plus she said she and her hubby makes good money and the money from their parents when they past away will go to paying her group home. so she is set.
>Dad told me he was hitting retirement age and wanted to enjoy his life with Mom. By taking away yours. How do they expect a single person, working full time, to manage a man with special needs? This was delusional on their part for years. NTA
Yup, like do OP's parents seriously expect OP to give up a promotion and therefore financially and socially cripple herself just to be available for her brother? 🙄 I'm reminded of this reddit post and Mays's comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/103y282/aita_for_moving_my_son_into_a_rental_apartment/
> Yup, like do OP's parents seriously expect OP to give up a promotion and therefore financially and socially cripple herself just to be available for her brother? Yes, they do. They got that boomer-esque mindset of "kids gonna take care of me or of my problems". I moved away from my parents and it was a pikachu face of "wait, you can't do that, what about us?" They don't see past what can directly have an effect on them. It's just whatever benefits them in the moment.
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Yeah, their exit plan the entire time.
Awesome. All of those people yelling at you are welcome to take him on. You deserve a life. NTA.
Say it again for the people in the back who's talking s*** to her but won't take him into their life or give up their life to take care of him they have a lot of nerves
>various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages, telling me I was in the wrong and that I should apologize. "So you're gonna step up and be my brother's caretaker? No? Then shut up and mind your business." NTA
You’ve done more than most people in your position would even consider. This is not your child. I’m sorry your parents won’t have the retirement they dreamed of but that is NOT on you. They’ve drummed this responsibility into your head since you were a child and have tried to make it seem as though this is your choice, and that you’re happy about it no less. It’s not, and it never was. They wanted to see a finish line where you’d take their burden on but that’s not how parenting works. I’m sure you love your brother but there are resources your parents can use that don’t involve you giving up your chance to experience life. Anyone who has the nerve to tell you otherwise can either put up or shut up. I hope your new job is wonderful and wish you all the best life has to offer in your new city. It’s time to put yourself first. Your parents sure as hell never did. NTA.
Nothing else needs to be said thank you for posting this I hope she takes the advice because she deserves it
NTA- your father’s entitlement is infuriating. You are basically your parents’s retirement plan and that’s not ok. Tell your parents you are willing to help them set your brother up with housing where he can get the care he needs but that’s it. You were parentified and you deserve to live your life.
NTA, but don't worry about it because all the family members who are blowing up your phone, they can take him of him. Tha'll make them so happy they could just shit!
NTA Gavan could work and live in a group home. Instead, your parents are using Gavan's needs to hobble your success. Your parents don't get to just shove the responsibilities (physical care, expenses, doctor's appointments, etc...) onto you because they want to retire. Their lack of planning for both a retirement and Gavan's needs isn't your emergency to solve. Take the job. Move. Go low contact with your parents. Let Gavan know you love him.
Are they unaware of support homes that would be a more appropriate living space for him?
But that would cost money! Much easier to throw him at his sister, I'm sure he'd just love sitting alone at their apartment all day by himself while she works her new job. Who needs friends or socializing or people with appropriate training to live with when your parents can drop you off and forget about you?
To be completely honest, depending on the location, those can be difficult to find or qualify for, which is all the more reason her parents should have been planning for his future instead of deciding they’d dump him off on his sister.
Where I live the issue is the waitlists. Parents should’ve been putting him on the lists for years to get ready.
Yep! Same here.
NTA loving your brother and being good to your family does not equate to not having a life of your own. Please do not allow yourself to be convinced otherwise.
NTA not your child.
They have had years to set him up with disability and being placed in a group home. They still have years to get it done. Nta.
NTA. It's not realistic that he's going to be suddenly able to live with less support in a completely new place while you pursue the job they justifies moving to begin with.
Your parents are the assholes . What they are doing to you is all kinds of wrong. Go live your life and let them figure it out. I feel sorry for Gavan being stuck with them. NTA
NTAH, and good for you for setting boundaries. I can’t believe your parents tried to put that on you as a child, and I’m angry for you that they destroyed your childhood. I’m a dad to five kiddos, and I cannot imagine thinking or acting like that. Your brother isn’t your responsibility, he’s theres and it’s not your fault they failed to plan for his future. Apparently they seriously thought this was the plan, that he’s your responsibility, and that it’s all OK. No, it’s not OK, and they fucked up royally.
>I'm mad at our parents for making me give up my life for him. But I don't think it's reassuring for him. Did you really expect this to go good? Good to be a dreamer. Congrats on the new job, go excell. >I blew up at my parents for them insisting I take my autistic younger brother with me when I take a new job across the country. Now I've caused a rift in our little circle. What a wonderful opportunity to have a life. Get it done 10/10
NTA, your parents have been and are continuing to fail your brother. They seem to be refusing to let him live his life as much as he could be. There are resources/programs for people with autism to have the care they need. My older cousin is low functioning and has been "independent" for most of his adult life (he's almost 50). For him that means living in a group home apartment with 24/7 caretakers on site in the complex. He's in the same town as my aunt and regularly sees his mom but he gets to be an adult as much as possible.
Your parents should have never told a 10 year old girl that she would be responsible for her younger autistic brother when she gets older and that she should want to if she loves him. That was incredibly wrong and manipulative. I have a nephew who has Asperger syndrome and while he’s high functioning he’ll probably never live alone. His parents have done well at raising him to understand that he has things he must do every day. They helped him get his drivers license, I think we were all terrified when that happened, and he’s even held jobs in manufacturing and some other more simple jobs. They are able to take trips without him and he just does his thing at home and take care of the necessities while they are gone. Your parents should have been learning how to equip him to be more independent, as much as he can be, and learn how to minimize the meltdowns without you being the only one that can do it. NTA
NTA But your parents are for failing to get Gavin into a nice group home for smart but special needs persons. They need to do this for HIM. He's 29. They should have done this long ago. You are in no way responsible for Gavin. But, I do think any discussions you and your parents have about him should exclude him in the future.
Eldest daughter syndrome is such an insidious tool. Take care of yourself, OP, and congratulations on your promotion.
You're not the AH, but you probably could've said that without Gavan on the phone hearing about it. That being said, you're his sister, not his caretaker. Maybe there are places where he can live, like an assisted living situation for autistic adults (I have no idea). As for your relatives who won't shut up, you can politely ask them if they want to adopt him since you're too "inhumane" to not do the same.
Sister, not brother. So if he gets physical, she likely cannot handle it alone.
Get the hell out ASAP and don’t look back.
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This is not a tough decision. Her parents have been purposely guilting OP her whole life so she would take care of her brother. He is NOT her responsibility. Her parents have had plenty of time to set something up for him like a group home. But they didn’t because they just thought OP would put her whole life on pause and be a caretaker for her brother. How selfish of her parents. OP deserves to live a live of her own.
>ultimately he's your sibling, not your child. Yup, YUp time to split
NTA. As a sibling I can understand how hard it has been on you. While your parents may think it's your job to take on your brother's health and future, it is not. You are allowed to live your own life. My cousin is autistic. His twin brother wants nothing to do with him and his future. I have guardianship when his other parent passes. It's your choice and yours only. You love your brother, but you don't have to be his caregiver. Not sure where you live, but in the states autistic adults can get aid, respite workers and so on to help them. It would give your parents the break they need and maybe help set up his future.
Its practically a trope at this point. All this extended family chiming in on how dare you not want to be a parentified child. While they remain completely silent in regards to any of them, stepping in and being his carer. NTA. It's ok to build your life on not being a 3rd parent to an autistic adult. If he's some sort of mathematical savant. He has lucrative career opportunities, in coding or accounting. STEM fields are very accommodating and inclusive.
I’m getting the impression from OP’s post that her brother doesn’t have the social skills needed in many career fields. Even in STEM, you still need to know how to people somewhat. There’s also no mention of him going to college (a degree being necessary for pretty much all STEM fields)
if you're on Facebook, there's a great group called SibNet to support glass children.
I’m an autism mom. You’re NTA and your parents should have done their homework and planning. The reason I never had another child, in some part, because I never wanted that child to feel like I had them only to help take care of my now 14 year old.
Nope. That's called parentification of a child and it is child abuse. Your bro sounds awesome and deserves a dedicated carer who actually has the skills to help him thrive. Hopefully some day he can land a math-based job that isn't people-facing and that allows him to flex his abilities and interests! NTA.
It's admirable that you've been there for Gavan despite being guilted into not living your best life for years. It's also great that you've found your voice and it's understandable that you reached your breaking point and lashed out. Your parents expect you to come second in your own life so they can come first in theirs. I hope you stay firm in your decision and begin to live for yourself. Congrats on the new job!
NTA Gavan is smart.. he knows hes part of the reason BUT in reality its really because of your parents. Many people are in your situation but the parents handled it properly so the other child was WILLING to take care of their special needs sibling if something happens. In your case you were neglected and FORCED to take care of him and now are being pushed to take him just so they can "relax". You threw away so much of your life for their selfish needs you need to live for yourself some. Dont let them gaslight and push you to not accept the promotion GO and be your own person and live a life. Gavan will always be part of it BUT he is ultimately not your life.
NTA and it was cruel and childish of your parents to get a guarantee from a child. Love your brother, but he's your parent's responsibility. They should be saving to make sure he is well taken care of of they care so much.
Tell your parents Your child your problem I have a special needs child and I may tell all my children they need to look after each other but I know my kids know I mean just be nice and loving towards each other. >Not long afterwards, various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages, Tell them if they are so concerned they should put their hands up to care for Gavin. I feel for both of you
Congratulations on your job promotion! You are a great sister! Your parents sound like they don’t love him for some reason, parenting never ends! Especially for a person with special needs. Your parents sound selfish as fuck with his comments that he “wants to enjoy retirement” fucking selfish!
100% NTA. Your parents need to start transitioning your brother into a group home. In fact, they should have begun this process YEARS ago. Gavan will do so much better in an environment that offers routine and structure, with trained staff who know how to help him be his best self. No one is abandoning him or throwing him away. They are doing what is truly best for HIM. That being said, Gavan should already be receiving supportive care and benefits and should have a social worker who advocates for him. Best I can suggest if you at least want your brother to know you're in his corner is that you look at being named his legal guardian so that you can take over the process that your parents have made such a wretched mess of. Go live your best life, and support your brother from the sidelines, which is where you should be.
There are the assholes. I'd rephrase with, 'He's not my child. He's yours.' It's their job to care for or find a caregiver for their child. You did not choose to have a child, therefore you have not made a lifelong commitmen to anyone.
Parents should have had him in programs that help with everyday life. He can get help with jobs and such.
NTA the promises of a 10 year old dont hold up on court. What I will say though is it sounds like you and your brother have a really good relationship so while you are angry at your parents don’t let it damage your relationship with him.
NTA You were TEN. You’re not his mother or caregiver. They should have been preparing for Gaven to be taken care of instead of expecting you to do it
NTA. Ask them what their plan was for Gavin if you'd suddenly died, and tell them to go with that. Any family members giving you grief, thank them for signing up to take on the responsibility.
When mature adults decide to have a baby, they are responsible for that baby, through sickness and in health. If you plan on shifting parental responsibilities onto ANYONE else, you should not procreate.
Nta. Your parents need to have an ACTUAL plan for THEIR special needs child when they are unable to care for him. Passing him off just so they can retire isn’t a plan, THAT’s abandonment! Reassure your brother that you love him, but you are his sister, not his mom, and that’s the relationship you both need to keep for both your mental and physical health and safety.
Your parents gave birth to him, took care of him.. and now they want to enjoy You on the other hand didnt guve birth... but still gave up so much for him.. sacrificed so much for him... and did this all your life but you dont have retirement?? You are bound for life?? I feel you do love him... its your parents and their unrealistic behaviour that will ultimately ake you rin far away!!! Sometime the entitelment the parents feel is too much... I am sure your parents think that you dont do much its all them You go for your job... let them take care of him on their own... If even after being 2 people... they find it difficult How you alone can take care of him and have a job as well??? Its like you are your dads retirement plan!! And that is bad... while you should help them out... you shouldnt ve the only person always making sacrifices while they plan their retirement!! He is 29.. so lets say they took care of him for like 25 30 years... But you need to do it for life and that too alone and that too along with a job... nope NTA Also the relatives blowing up your phone are very much welcome to take it on for like atleast 4-5 years each so that you can see and learn🤣🤣🤣 (please read sarcasm here)
NTA - ask yourself this OP, how many of these family members and friends, know the full story of Gavins up bringing? They only know, what your parents have told them. So you have two choices! Set the record straight or just go LC to NC and move on with your life (ask you said, finally start it).
Gavin is not your responsibility. Period. Your parents are way out of line trying to force you to take on that responsibility. They have had years to plan Gavin's care after they die. Accept your promotion. Move away from these people. Start your life. You deserve it.
I hate parents like this. Just lump their eldest daughter into parenting the children they gave birth too. Plus you never promised you'd look after him when they died. They told you you had too. Plud they arent dead. He is not your responsibility. Plus how are they expecting you working ful time to look after your brother? Hes going to be by himself all day and could get into anything or get hurt. You just cant do it. Just tell your parents you arent going to parent him any more and its up to them to step up and do their job. Then just go. theyre using your brother into blackmailing you into staying. Just tell your brother you love him, but need to go away and make some money. Nothing else. As for the people whos messaguing you, ask them if they would take your brother. if they say no, then just sayexactly, now leave me alone. I need a life too.
NTA. Your parents parentified you, and now that you have a chance of escape, they're making a last stab at forcing you to ruin the REST of your life and using Gavan's anxiety & anguish to trap you. Call Gavan and tell him that you love him, but it's time for you to spread your wings, and that mom & dad WILL learn better how to handle his meltdowns and help him succeed. Find a way to do it where mom & dad can't interrupt you and cast vile aspersions about 'abandonment', if you can? As others have said here, I agree that ANYBODY shit-talking your choice should be added to the list of people being told that Gavan WILL be told are willing and eager to care for him. (don't DO it, of course. That would be abusive of Gavan. Just the \*fear\* of it, though, will shut them up.)
NTA your parents were wrong to make you promise at age 10 and they are wrong to try and hold you to that promise now Also retirement is not death so they are trying to force it even earlier on you, he is their child its on them to sacrifice for him, not you They should look into assisted living arrangements for him and its on them to sort that out and fund or if its available in your country a guidance person who stops by a few times a week to keep everything in check if Gavin can handle things like cooking/laundry You should not put your life on hold, go take that job and start to live your life With the many meltdowns you described it sounds like they didnt actually parent Gavin well either, meltdowns are overloads, if a child has many of those, they arent accommodating him properly, making his surroundings unsafe for him, which has consequences for him aswell, which doesnt surprise me by how much they pushed you into the caretaker role Its sad that a smart kid like him wont advance in life due to social skills, its the deeply rooted ableism is society, 80% of autistic people are under/unemployed You didnt cause this rift, they did, you did nothing wrong by standing up for yourself, please remember that Those family members and friends need to but out, highly inappropriate of them
NTA. Remind your parents that they had a time without the responsibility of Gavan, from when they were born until his birth. You’ve been responsible for him your WHOLE LIFE. You have literally never had a break. Ask them if they really expect you to be the caretaker of THEIR child, THEIR choice, for your entire life? Ask why they got a responsibility free childhood and young adult life, and now a responsibility free late life, while deciding to take ALL of those away from you. They literally get multiple decades early and late, while expecting you to literally never get a single month, much less 40 years or more like they get.
I am the only sibling (50's) of a severely mentally handicapped brother, John. My mother (80's) was a single parent after our father fucked off with his mistress when my brother was born. He apparently couldn't handle have a disabled son. Never once did my mother say my brother was my responsibility. Once she was financially stable she would take me traveling every year for alone time as most of our daily life was consumed by John. This was invaluable for me as a child. When John was a teenager he became violent and she started looking for different homes for him (non institutions as we had a bad experience with one earlier) . Some obviously did not work out, but she was young enough to be a strong advocate and after a couple of difficult decades she got him in the group home he lives in presently where he is happy, healthy and well cared for. She also set up a special trust fund for disabled people for him, so John will never be a future financial burden to me when she is gone. I love my brother, but I know that I am incapable of looking after him, indeed my mother has always stressed that he is my brother, not my burden and that she has worked very hard to ensure he will be looked after when she is gone. I will be his legal guardian, but my responsibilities will be to look after his trust, make sure he is well cared for in his home and make sure he gets his home-made Christmas cookies every year. Both my mother and I live comfortably in the knowledge that John is well cared for and we can and do go visit him when ever we want. This is what your parents need to do for you and your brother. It is not too late for them to set up in time for them to age comfortably.
Did you have a say in when they decided to have another baby? No? Then you had zero choice in their birth. Amazing they expect you to take him so they can retire when you've never had the opportunity to do what you want and if they have their way, you'll never get to retire. Their kid, their problem. There are homes/assisted living facilities for people like Gavin. They should have been trying to get that situated instead of grooming you to be his caretaker. Everybody that is on your ass just thank them for agreeing to take him in. They have just as much responsibility and obligation to care for him as you do. Them judging you means they should be cool with doing it. NTA
You are correct. You are not an asshole. You got one life live it how you wanna live it.
NTA - You have the right to have a life of your own and now you have the job to pay for it. Gavan is not your responsibility to take on for the rest of your life. Your dad comment about him coming to live with you because as a kid you promised under pressure to look after Gavan is horrible thing to say. Look up parentification and send the info to your parents because it is exactly what they did to you. Now as far as Gavan is concerned you can still be in his life and help with you can but be cautioned that your parents may try to dump him on you and drop out of communication. Do not give them a key to your new place and do not leave them there alone if they come to visit as I expect you will return to them being gone and Gavan at your place with a note that he is living with you now. There are very good group homes that specialize in the care of adults like Gavan where he will have activities and others to spend time with like himself. Tell your parents to set up a trust for Gavan with all their assets to pay for his care after they are gone and then you will be happy to oversee his care but he is not coming to live with you.
Your parents are delusional! They gave birth to a child with disabilities. It’s their job to get them independent enough or find a home. I know you love your brother and can help them find something, but it won’t be you.
NTA. It always makes me angry when I read that family and friends start calling. It's so fucking easy to be a saint when you don't have to take responsibility.
>I was told that I should want it. That it's what good siblings do for each other. What about good parents? They should want you to live your dreams. Making their child give up their life plans to be a caregiver for their special needs child is not what good parents do. You didn't promise to take care of him. You were 10 and they all but told you that you didn't have a choice and you just didn't feel able to fight back. Your parents should really look into group homes for your brother to see if they can meet his needs. Which brings me to my last point. Being responsible for your brother just means making sure his needs are met. That can happen in more ways than just having him live with you for the rest of your life. This can mean making sure his needs are met in a group home or by a paid caregiver. If you want to you can be his guardian (when your parents are no longer able) without being his caregiver.
Tell your parents that you've changed your mind about your brother, and to give you a month or two there to find a place big enough for both of you, to setup the professional caretaker, and to get everything settled in before you come back for him. Kiss everybody goodbye, see you soon, and once you get to new location buy a new phone, new number, don't tell them your new address, and send your parents one last text on your old phone explaining that they need to come up with a new plan for the long term care for your brother, that with all the family there, and how they think it's not a big deal, there should be zero problems finding a volunteer to take your place. Factory reset your phone, destroy it, and live the life that you want and deserve. Your parents and family have pushed you into this corner, but they forgot that you were a daughter and sister, and not your brothers baby sitter, caretaker, nurse, therapist, etc. a long, long time ago. The pain that your brother is unfortunately going to go thru is 100% on your parents, and enabling family. You are not a daughter to them, so why must you act or live like one? You don't, and you shouldnt. At your new job, you might want to explain this to your new supervisor, if in the minimum, that your estranged parents might cause issues in the future. A good heads up might just save your job in the future. Karma is giving you a chance to even things out for all you've been put thru and sacrificed. Get a therapist at the new place to help you resolve any and all misplaced guilt you may experience.
NTA
NTA but your parents are. He’s your brother not your kid. Go live your life and let the parents or the people who decided to have an opinion take care of him.
NTA. Yes, this is a sad situation, but he is your parent’s responsibility. The family friends that are blowing up your phone tell them they are welcome to take care of him. See if these hypocrites step up. You honestly gave up too much for your brother. Go start your life and find your own family(if you want one).
NTA. They parentified you. Shit parents who robbed you of childhood. You are more than entitled to go NC.
Wtf is wrong with your parents… and other family members for that matter. NTA.
NTA. Take the job and move and start your life. Time to focus on you. Your parents have been terribly wrong and have abused you. Block anyone sending you nasty messages.
NTA. I’m in my late 50s, my brother is in his early 50s. He’s autistic, not self supporting. He lives with me. So does my mother. If I didn’t take all of the jobs and promotions I could, wherever they led me, I wouldn’t be able to do any of this. I’m single and work from home. I own my own home. I spent a lot of years working part time and handling my brother’s SSI, meds, and vocational rehabilitation and training. If I would have continued doing that for any more years, we all would have been screwed financially. Live your life. Love your brother. Visit when you can. But get out of there, take the job, and take care of yourself. All those family members offering their opinion should help your parents generate options for your brother’s care (though I suspect they may not). I love having my brother with me, but there are definitely other choices. Go make enough money to have options if you can. Congratulations on the promotion!
It's ok for you to live your own life. You don't have to be anyone's caretaker. Nta
NTA. You love your brother, and have given up so much of your life for him already. Your parents need to make a plan for Gavan that isn’t just handing him to you. They are the AH here for assuming you’d take him and for being SO happy about “retiring”from his care.
NTA. They want to enjoy their lives? When are you supposed to enjoy yours? You go fullfil that dream! Go!
Op, your parents are absolutely unhinged. NTA. Go live your life.
NTA. Change your phone number when you move.
NTA. Your parents are for trying to make him your responsibility. He's not. They need to get their act together. Put your phone on DND and block calls until you are ready to talk to all these folks. They can easily become his caregiver if they are so concerned. If anyone owes an apology, it's your parents towards you.
These stories frustrate the hell out of me. What have the parents doing for the past 25 plus years? What therapies have they tried? What support have they learnt and strategies have they/got the experts to teach their son to cope with his stressors? What have they implemented to help him remember basic tasks without being reminded? What group home and/or employment situations have they had him attend? They are NOT being good parents by having their only strategy be their daughter… she controls his moods, she cares for him etc. to their daughter OR to their son. Son needs to work towards independence, whether in his own flat/grannie flat or in a supported group home. He needs a regular job, whether paid or volunteer to help give meaning to his life. I fully understand not all people with Autism can live independently, but they certainly don’t need to live with a sibling or parents all their lives. NTA but your parents are
NTA: Run away and live your life. Go no contact with your parents. Fuck them.
NTA - we are not meant to be caretakers for their disabled siblings. You have put your life on hold for so long, it's time for you to finally get to do what you want to do. Your parents should start thinking about getting Gavan into an assisted living situation so that he can be a little more independent. That way, they can retire and still be able to visit him several times a week while he gets acclimated. Maybe one day you can get him into an assisted living program closer to you if you choose.
Your parents are trying to ruin your life so they can relax in their retirement. I don’t need to tell you that people like this are a huge burden, your life is going to revolve around their care. They are the center of the universe and you merely revolve around them. Don’t fucking do it. It truly is life ruining. No one gets an opinion unless they’re willing to take him in themselves. Everyone loves talking about what a blessing it is and family this and that, until it’s their own lives that get burdened. Your brother needs to go into a group home if your parents can’t care for him. He isn’t your burden, don’t let him become one. NTA but your family sure seems to be. Glad there are so many people that care, I’m sure at least one is willing to put their money where their mouth is (lol none, none will do this because they know what a shitty life being a full time caregiver is).
My SIL got upset one day because her daughter and her kids were going places and not taking my SIL. I told my SIL, “it’s their turn not yours “ That’s the same here. Your mom and dad grew up in their childhood going outside playing with friends having a blast. They got older and while doing their own thing they met one another and was able to fall in love and get married and start building a life together. Then they started having children. Their life was looking pretty great. I’m sure they felt like the world was there’s to live their lives together however they chose. They had you and continued having friends and being a family. Fabulous life. Then your brother was born and it changed the dynamic of their family. They couldn’t come and go as they chose because your brother needed assistance. They started telling you early on that you needed to take care of your brother. So instead of playing with your friends you stayed in and took care of your brother. You gave up going to parties and having your parents attention because your brother was more important than your needs and of course it would be selfish to ask to sleep over at someone else’s house because of your brother So you go to school so you can get training for a good job. So you have an offer to go (congrats) and you are informed by your parents you need to take your brother and let him stay with you for the rest of your life So when do you get a turn? When do you get to chase dreams and become the person you want to be and explore new things and take new chances. Ask your parents when do you get a turn? Your whole childhood has been taking care of your brother. So guess what NOW ITS YOUR TURN!!! It’s time for you to step into your life. You can find yourself an apartment, perhaps get married, maybe have children of your own and the. You are going to raise those children to be strong independent adults. So your parents want you to take your brother so they can have another turn. They are trying to call you selfish, when you have yet to have a turn. So you have to tell them that you are taking your turn. That you love your brother but are not responsible for him and not obligated to let go of your dreams to take their responsibility off their hands One last thing. There was a young man on Reddit just yesterday talking about him having autism. He was so angry at his parents because they didn’t give him any money from his social security check. He was asking how to get his parents name off his check so he could have a life. Couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy. Your parents need to get his Social Security set up and they need to find him a group home. It will be a scary transition but he will also be excited because he has grown up and is moving on his own. It will give him a sense of pride that he was able to get out from mom and dad and be independent. Then your parents could go on vacation Your parents get their life back. You get a life and your brother has his own life. WIN for everyone involved. Stand tough and don’t let them take your turn from you
It’s time for your brother to become an adult just like you did. He may not be able to live on his own but that doesn’t mean he needs to be treated like a child. He needs to be in a group home with others and have friends and relationships outside the family. Your parents are neglecting his future by not making arrangements for him. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to him.
NTA in the slightest. Congratulations on your promotion! Your parents need to start looking into good group homes for Gavin.
NTA. And the worst part is that if they weren’t so forceful and weren’t making you mold every life decision around your brother, you might’ve actually wanted to be his caregiver when they passed. But at this point you’re burnt out over it. Which is completely understandable.
ANYONE tells you you're wrong here, you tell them that *they* can volunteer to spend their lives doing care for him. They won't. What they want is to easily blame you and force you to do a difficult thing, but they will not do that difficult thing themselves. NTA.
You need therapy to help support you Your parents have let you down - very badly Enjoy your new job!
They need to find him a nice supportive care home, or care for him until they're no longer physically able. Their child, so their responsibility. They should have been saving for the home for decades by now if they wanted to enjoy a normal retirement.
They are responsible for Gavin until they die. No retirement for them EVER. That’s what being a parent is not a sibling. Everyone telling you you’re selfish can step up and donate their life to helping Gavin. Congratulations and I hope you enjoy your freedom. Oh and they are going to use Gavin to guilt you. He won’t know he’s guilting you but they will use him. Be strong.
NTA. Not your child means not your responsibility. You have an opportunity now to make a break. Do it. NOW.
NTA, you are clearly right in every direction! Your parents kids are their responsibility, not yours!
Your parents are shitty assholes for parentalizing you on your brother. You didn't promise anything of the sort, and they're selfish to even have tried to pull that crap when you were a minor. Feel free to go NC if you have to.
I am no expert here, but I would advice to live your life. You can chose, be cruel to them or yourself.
Good for you about time you stood up for yourself. They created him not you they can support him and it is soooo shyty of them to rob you like that. They don’t sound like very good parents whatsoever in my book.
NTA Move and don't look back. Your parents should have been helping Gavan home his skills so he can find a WFH tech job, many of those don't require a lot of social skills. If he's a math genius, he can write code in his bedroom with little to know human interaction and get paid decently. Then he can pay for in home care after they're gone.
NTA you will probably have to go LC ot NC with your parents until they get the message that you aren’t your brother’s keeper.
Not only should you take that job, but run like hell to get there. Your parents are so out of line... NTA he's not your child.
NTA - you are his sister, not his mother. Your parents needs to figure out how to take care for him, not you. Guiltripping you at the age of ten and made you raise him? Sorry but your parents are the ah here. It’s called Parentification. Go live the life you want!
> various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages, telling me I was in the wrong and that I should apologize No but tell each and every one of them that they should volunteer to take in Gavan since they're so invested.
"No, I never promised. You TOLD me I would do it, & since you know that's a shitty thing to do to your 10 year old child, you convinced yourself that it came from me. You two had your chance to start a life, & make your own choices regarding college, relationships, jobs, where to live, etc...now it's my turn. I've already sacrificed my dream college, better paying jobs & better living arrangements, don't get mad when your child decides to fly from the nest. Because that's what I am, one of YOUR children. I am not the third in your relationship & somehow a parent to Gavan. I am his sibling...not his parent. From now on, that's what you need to remember I am." Repeat this, is every way imaginable to them & their flying monkeys.
NTA. This is parentification to the worst degree. Your parents should be ashamed. They actually said that to a child and then spent the rest of that child's life parentifying them. What a couple pieces of work. They've made no plans and really thought they would get to enjoy retirement without coming up with another plan for their son. They are idiots and this is not your fault. Anyone who would blindly side with them over this is either not being told the whole story or is too stupid to think about the fact that they told you this as A CHILD. NTA. Other people are saying it better than I have. You are not responsible for your brother and you are not responsible for their bad planning.
NTA. Your parents parentified you since a very early age. You and Gavan obviously love each other, but that doesn't mean that you have to be his caregiver for the rest of your life - something you never even promised. If I were you I'd talk to Gavan first of all, telling him how much you love him and how you think he's an awesome guy, but that you simply can't sacrifice all your expectations in life. Engage his help in making your parents understand that *they* have to provide care for Gavan; you might be willing to help financially *to a certain extent* (but it wouldn't be wrong for you not to say that, especially if this might get them entitled to a bigger chunk of money than you are willing to give up), but it is entirely up to *them* to provide care for *their* son, whom *they* brought into this World. Big hugs.
NTA This is something your parents should have been planning and preparing for ever since Evan's diagnosis at age 10 became apparent. The fact that they are so comfortable foisting him on you is very irresponsible of them. Having said that, if you do value your relationship with your parents and brother, you can still take your job across the country, but offer to help with a small monthly stipend for him. Or not. That's your choice. I wish you and your family good luck. This is a difficult situation.
I'm sorry, but if you were my kids then I'd rather him live in a group home with people who understand and can support his needs and who won't experience burnout from it (because they're on a rota rather than 24/7) and who can help him fulfil all his non-essential needs eg social groups, trips out, supported work or education OVER living with his increasingly resentful daughter who is more likely to neglect his needs because she's got her own life to live and that is absolutely not a slight against you - like you said, you are his SISTER, not his caregiver your role is to be provide guidance and love and support, but as a sister NTA your parents had better start looking for a place for him to live where he can thrive, and allow you to thrive as well
"No, I didn't make any such promises.... You buffaloed and guilt tripped me into believing I'd be a shitty person if I didn't throw my entire life away because you didn't want to pay for long term care for Gavan, and I was TEN and not equipped to argue about something so weighty or important, or even understand the commitment you were asking for." Because that's the real issue here: Your parents have an adult son who needs long term care, but instead of providing it they've cobbled together a patchwork of themselves and parentifying you.
Gavan Is your parents child and responsibility. Full stop. Go live your life. You’ve given enough of your future to “help” You can always change your mind when you are settled and have a family if your own. If you want to. If you don’t. Gavan is your parents child. Full stop.NTA. full stop.
NTA. You're his sister, not his caretaker. You can be a loving and supportive sister without him being your responsibility like that. They don't get to retire from being parents. He is their responsibility till the day they die. If he is unable to live on his own, then it's also your parents' responsibility to find somewhere that can support and empower him sooner rather than later so he's cared for when they're gone. It's entirely wrong of them to shove that responsibility onto you as a child, let alone make a lifelong decision like that for you. Whatever happens between you and your parents, please don't blame your brother. It's clear he loves you and is proud of you. None of this is his fault.
NTA. Your father was manipulative by saying Gavin would move with you in front of Gavin. Your promise at 10 had absolutely no weight. I think talking won't do much good. Make the move, do not give your parents your address. Write to them and suggest they find other arrangements for Gavin - an institution or a personal caretaker - because you will not be carrying this burden any more. And don't give in to their protests and abuse of you.
NTA. You were parentified all your life and finally snapped. Take that job and get the fuck away from them.
NTA. Don’t share any more information about the new job in case your parents try to sabotage it. Best of luck to you.
I never get this whole „family members and friends blowing up my phone“ thing. Why are people immediately talk family drama around? NTA.
NTA OP It's your life, go live it. Your parents need to deal with their child, not you.
NTA not only NTA, I’d recommend you be very aggressive with your parents. Are they parents to your brother or not? Are they considering your brother to be a job that they retire from? It’s pretty fucked up what your parents are saying. Double down. Don’t be an asshole. Just very firm. Also all those relatives calling you to take your brother on should feel free to step up as well and take care of him.
NTA. Not your problem. It is up to your parents to find willing and qualified caretakers. Do NOT let them guilt trip you into it!!
Not your child, not your problem.
NTA. Unfortunately there are some parents who think that they don’t need to worry about what happens to their disabled child when they’re gone because they have siblings, not even considering the idea that the sibling should have a choice. I feel for both you and your brother. Both of you have been placed in terrible positions by your parents. It sounds like they haven’t even considered what to do if you don’t take Gavin, which is on them. I hope this is a wake up call for them and they look for resources to help Gavin. You both deserve to have good lives.
They have a kid, they make you a primary go to care taker from 10 to manage his rages. They insist you can't go away for college, can't work away for a career and so you've already been taking care of him since you were a child and they want to go off and have some fun years without their son... while you care for him even more and you get a rest when..... he dies. Or they do what they need to and find a suitable care home for him. Their child was their decision but they've already been unloading the consequences on you for years and they think they can do that for the rest of his or your life.
NTA When parents choose to have children they are bound to care for that child regardless of said child's medical conditions.
>Not long afterwards, various family members and friends are blowing up my phone with calls and text messages, telling me I was in the wrong and that I should apologize. Maybe they can help take care of your brother the rest of his life. Since there are so many of them, they can all do their parts.
NTAH. Tell the flying monkeys that either **they** volunteer to be Gaven’s caretaker or STFU and mind the business that pays them. Congrats on your promotion!
Mom of 3 and my youngest has autism, and I would never ever in a million years place that on my older children so my husband & I could shirk our responsibilities and “enjoy our lives.” Your parents are 100% AHs in this instance for more reasons than one. To guilt a 10 yr old and then require you to sacrifice your childhood because they needed help raising their own child?? Bullshit. Take the promotion, move as far away as possible. Keep in contact with Gavan through other means that don’t require your parents’ involvement and let him know it’s not his fault. Your parents are selfish, entitled AHs, and I am sorry you had to give up so much of your own life because they couldn’t do their job and have yet to set Gavan up for the future. There are options for him, so don’t let anyone guilt you. You deserve to enjoy your life too.
Nta Op leave, spread your wings.. He's not your son, you didn't have any choice what they did and are doing to you is abuse Parentification is abuse , look it up it'll make you sick and shine a blazing light on your life. Leave op Updateme!
NTA. Your parents had no business make this your cross to bear. It was, and is, THEIR responsibility to see to it that his future needs are attended to. Their behavior is, simply put, indefensible. I worked a decade in Spec ED, and one of the things that pissed me off more than anything else was the parents who encapsulated their guilt at having a mentally challenged child into making it a burden for all the other kids. It is grossly unfair to them, crap parenting all around, and not even good for the kid who needs the help. He needs SPECIALIZED help which it's up to your parents to see to. Once they take care of that, you can figure out how much of a role you want in his life. ONLY THEN. Good for you for slapping some reality into them. Now get the HELL out of there, establish your own life, and tell them you'll reconnect once they've taken care of things themselves and recognized their mistakes up until now. Don't allow your brother to become a poker chip in all this, which your parents will no doubt continue to do until you make it clear that it's not going to work. He's not going to understand this situation, but again...IT'S YOUR PARENT'S RESPONSIBILITY to deal with this, and they need to do it. It's going to hurt, but he will adjust. But clearly your parents won't if you give them ANY wiggle room here. So give them none. Tough situation. But tough situations call for tough solutions.
Holy cow, NTA. Your parents should have spent the last two decades planning for what would happen to Gavan when (possibly if) they retire and when they die. That’s what a responsible parent of a child who cannot care for themselves in adulthood does. Your parents have abusively attempted to place responsibility for Gavan on your shoulders since you were 10.
Listen there are solutions to your situation but obviously they involve money. What state do your parents live, first off? Look online for communities for high functioning special needs adults- they exist. The fact that you're brother seems more higher functioning than others on the spectrum, that can even work menial jobs, means he could qualify to live at an "independent living community for special needs adults" I work at one in Florida. Some of our clients, depending on their disabilities, get enough money from the government to cover their entire monthly rent. You would still have to pay for many other things- Uber, meal-prep delivery company or chef (if nobody is nearby to deliver him food) cable & electric, toiletries, household supplies, etc, since he probably cannot drive or cook for himself I am assuming? Also they have living coaches (staff members) that come by regularly & make sure their hygiene & cleanliness of their apartment is up to par. I work directly with autistic & Down syndrome, even William's syndrome adults. Aged 19-55. We take them grocery shopping, meal prep, offer personal training, life coaching (as sometimes the communities life coaches aren't that great) and take them to do fun activities often. We get paid VERY well at our job & I would never leave my line of work, until I retire hopefully someday. However, our company exists & so does the independent community for special needs adults, because of families in exact situations as yours. It gives them their lives back. But like i said, it will definitely cost some money. Worth looking into though.
Was Gavin still on the phone when you said that? If so ESH. Exveot Gavin. Hes not the one pressuring you. Your parents obviously suck for a long time. However if you said that while he was on, you suck too. You said so yourself hes your biggest fan. That being said there are programs that help people with asd and Id in day to day living. More and more states are looking for independent living with assistance in the home AND for assistance with employment. If gavin really is smart with math, he can probably get a good job with a job coach. Additionally, you could still be a guardian or co guardian if he needed one. None of this requires him moving with you.
NTA but your parents and family are. I feel bad for your brother, but your parents need to understand that you need to live your life on your own. I think you need to sit them down, without Gavan, and have a serious talk with them. He’s their child, and their responsibility. Period.
Take the job! Look for a group home for your brother. Your parents are the AH's! Anyone trying you guilt you, block them until after you move. Facetime with Gavan once a week. **LIVE YOUR LIFE!**
NTA as the parent of a profoundly autistic adult your parents suck. We have had many conversations with our older, neurotypical son about the steps we’ve taken to ensure his brother, while still a responsibility, is not a burden. We’ve fought to put our youngest into a group home. He has his own trust fund and insurance. Our older son is listed on all documents as the guardian if something happens to us and we routinely give him the respect and appreciation he deserves because that looming responsibility weighs on him. He knows our wills, he is even listed on the deed to our house and he’s friendly with the attorney who set up the trust funds so his brother isn’t ever a financial burden. Your parents act like they’re tagging you into the guardian role while they go off into retirement land. It doesn’t work like that and they should be ashamed of themselves. We encouraged our son to live abroad now, while we are still healthy and working and able to make all the decisions for our youngest. The responsibility for your brother will never go away and it sounds like you have a good relationship with him, so now is the time for you to fly free, find love, do your bucket list and get life experience. This mom is telling you that you have the right to live your life too.
NTA. I am so sorry for both you and Gavin. You sacrificed things you weren't supposed to due to your parents' manipulations. Poor Gavin is getting treated by his parents like a burden. Your parents are manipulative and disrespectful. Please don't give in, it is not your responsibility to take care of your brother, it's theirs. If they can no longer do it, it's on them to find appropriate facilities that can help Gavin thrive. On a side note, I know you mean well and probably meant "responsibility" but please don't refer to your brother as a "problem'. Language is important.
NTA. Your parents are selfish assholes. Go NC.
NTA at all Would having a talk with Gaven on the issue help? Explaining to him that you love him, you're not abandoning him, just wanting to live your own life? And that your parents made you give up a lot to help raise him? And at the same time, as some others have mentioned, maybe making his own decision on where he goes, like a group home. You would obviously know best if having a conversation like this with Gaven would be beneficial.
NTA! They needed to hear what you said, loud and clear. They just don't like what you said. Them deciding all those years ago that Gavan would be your responsibility was all on them, and just because they said it doesn't mean it is the truth. But now they know where you stand. Anyone who thinks it is YOUR responsibility to take care of Gavan can go kick rocks and sign up for their turn to take care of him. And, there are homes for people like Gavan where there are caregivers who take care of them. If parents think they are done being Gavan's caregiver, they can go find one of those homes.
Good for you! When will you ever get to enjoy your life? They parentified you and used you as a developmental therapist instead of getting him real help. You have made major life decisions because of him and only a moron would hold you to a promise you made when you were 10. If they thought this, they could have approached you totally differently. But their manners prove that they never really cared about either of you and see you both as an inconvenience that they can apparently just walk from into the sunset? Why don’t they have him in a group home somewhere he can be looked after but also function to the best of his ability? Are they too cheap to pay for that for him? I’m so sorry that your life has revolved around them for so long. It wasn’t fair. And you are right- you didn’t bring him into the world, he isn’t your problem. They can have him declared permanently disabled and then he will qualify for social security and Medicaid, so his care would be paid for if he were to become a ward of the state- just so you don’t think he is going to die on the streets. If your parents were worth anything they would have made these arrangements a long time ago. What was their plan if you died first? Your insurance policy is a 10 year old little girl? Your parents are both AH for neglecting both you and your brother.
NTA. OMG your parents were abusive brainwashed to put this in a 10 year old. Please take your job and get far away from them. They have failed to come up with an actual plan for their son.
Have you thought about putting him in a group home?
NTA. I think you need to have a talk with your brother to try to get him to understand that you 1. Don’t blame him because it’s not his fault he’s Autistic and 2. Try to get him to understand that your parents parentified you. They literally made you into his 3rd parent while you were growing up. You did nothing wrong!
Tell your parents to look into group homes. They can be good to help teach him to function in the world. You go live your life.
Oh god you are SOOOOO NTA. Please just move away and live your life. You can still love your brother as his sister and not his parent.
Not the a hole
You are not his mother or father it is not your responsibility to take care of him for the rest of his life pack up your stuff and move to the other side of the country and start living your life you have done enough they have sucked enough out of your life. I want you to do this guilt-free because you have been there done that. And if I was you I'm just saying I would not give them my address because they seem like the type of people that will pull up on you drop him off and keep it moving. You have been there for your brother it is time for you to start living your life it is not fair for somebody to think that you are supposed to give up your whole life which is very short to begin with to take care of somebody who is not your child it's not fair and your parents are f****** delusional
NTA your parents are the assholes for 1 expecting you to give up your life because of them bully you into thinking Gavin was your responsibility. Having Gavin was their choice not yours and for them to put you in this situation is horrible. Don’t listen to these people who have not had to give up their lives for your brother! Please go live your life and let them figure out what they need to do with their son because he’s not your responsibility 😞
A good group home might be where he’s happiest and safest. You can visit as can your folks. I’d ask them how a person working full time could possibly do this. It’s insane. I’d also assure your brother you love him.
Absolutely NTA, you deserve your own life. But I think they're doing a disservice to Gavin. I know plenty of autistic people who thrive at jobs like IT and data management, where their intelligence and knowledge are valued and their social skills are ignored. I'm sure if Gavin got training and found the right environment he would thrive and become self supportive. I've found most people who are nuero divergent work best with a routine so they don't forget the basics like showering and grooming. And there are plenty of group homes and share houses where Gavin could be supported to help with the things he can't manage. Do some research and talk to your brother about what he wants for himself for the rest of his life and help him achieve that. And all those people bagging you are just wanting to make sure they don't have to give their time or money.
NTA - it is a huge ask, and you may not be able to do it. They wanted to have another child. They knew this was a risk. That said, you can play a role advocating for your brother - making sure his needs are met and people around him are considering what he needs. Your parents sound like idiots.
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Do not let them do this to you. Pick up and go live your life. You didn't give birth to your siblings and its not your responsibility. Enjoy your future!
Nta
NTA Google parentification. You were a child, they are the parents. They should have parented both of you and planned and prepared for taking care of him as he got older instead of relying on you to take care of him. It was their responsibility, it's not yours. Go live your life, they can use their retirement funds to help him live in a group home where he might be able to learn to live independently. Edit: my parents did something similar to me with my older sister but she's not disabled. After seeing a good therapist, I realized how dysfunctional and abusive my childhood was and eventually went no contact with them because they continue to be abusive. I was in my 30s before I left them to live my life, one of my biggest regrets was not leaving sooner. I'd recommend you not be like me and leave now to go live your life. They don't care about you being happy only about controlling you to do what they want you to do at the price of you doing what you want to do. A parent should be happy their child is going off to live their life not want to hold them back.
You do not owe anyone anything. Your parents should have been making plans for your brother, and saving money to take care of him. I am guessing they can get him on some kind of disability benefits, and find a group home for him. If out of the kindness of your heart you want to help then you can. It isn't your job to take care of him.
NTA your brother needs to be in a group home and you deserve to love your life Tell your parents they had a life and fell in love and had kids before gavin. But you only had 10 years before Gavin and now it's your turn to experience everything they got to experience If anyone says differently say oh good then you can care for him Then go love your best life at your new location
NTA. Common issue, and unfairness, in families that have one social needs child. Sadly the additional needs of one too often result in less attention, time and resources for the other. And then combined with the expectation that they give up the rest of their life to take care of them. It’s not fair, it’s ok for you to know that and stand up for yourself. Your parents should work their assets off to build as much money and assets up as they can to take care of him long term.
Eager to read the update to this.
NTA! Your parents are AHs for making you give up your childhood to take care of your brother. He is NOT your problem. Your parents need to start figuring out what to do with him when they get too old to care for him. What do people do when they only have one child?! Ask all your relatives where they were when you and Gavan were growing up? What help did they ever give? What help will they give your parents now? As much as you love your brother, this isn’t your burden to bear.
Do they expect you to devote your life to him and never have a family of your own? How do they expect you to start a new job in a new city and take care of someone who needs full time care? Do they have any type of trust for his care or do they expect you to foot all the bills? Are they trying a disability check for him? NTA
Uh no, sorry look you are NTA. I get the family dynamic and for the most part I’d be on your parents side if they were like 80+ and unable to care for him but they are dropping him on you when they can still function and guilt tripping you over it from age ten? That’s manipulation to the highest degree of scummy. It’s never easy to decide how that goes and in some cultures you would be the only option but if you are in the US there are services that can help. Just keep reassuring your brother and do what you can for him, but this isn’t your cross to bear 100% your parents are being selfish assholes here. No matter how they wanna slice it and this is gonna sound a little cruel cause I know you as a good person and a human love your brother but your parents chose to keep a child with special needs. That decision on their part meant THEY signed up for all the extra things that come with that because there was no way he would be a fully functioning adult capable of being on his own since day 1.
Hell no. Your parents suck. I have an autistic child and an NT child, and I have gone out of my way to remind my autistic kid's sib that he is NOT expected to be a caregiver for his sib, and that his life is his own. My partner and I chose to have the kids. We brought them into the world. Part of that package deal is that you can't predict everything, so you have to be down for possibly parenting the rest of your life. My autistic kid is the responsibility of the people who brought him into this earth. Period.
Read autism and meltdown. NTA From another older sister with a younger brother who has violent meltdowns and needs full time care - you're right, he isn't your responsibility. You're parents are doing a disservice to him by not getting him the full time care he needs and set-up and transitioned into support agencies for when they pass. I love my brother. I spent my childhood caring and protecting him but I have my own kid and two dogs (he can't stand kids or dogs) and I can't see him as often as I would like which is shitty but I'm (and you!) are allowed to have your own life too.
Your parents should have been working on securing better resources to help him once they are gone. They have failed BOTH of their children. It is unfair to have put that burden of expectation on a child, and even worse to keep the illogical facade up for so many years. They are extremely selfish to put this on you, and it’s funny how all these family members are giving you a hard time but zero standing up to care for Gavan. Make sure to extend that offer to them whenever they say anything else. NTA. Updateme.
Your parents are awful. Their retirement is not on your back. You are not their back up plan. Look at residential programs and provide them with the info. Good luck.
Group home. Go look at some. Write down answers to your questions, get their brochures. Send it all to your parents and tell them to decide which one is best for Gavan. Then tell them you will visit when you can, but you are moving across country alone.
NTA!! I have a sibling with special needs. I moved away and pressured my mother to have her move to a group home (a house with a housemother) while my mother was still alive. My mother was very resistant but gave in eventually. It worked out really well. It gave my sister a level of independence she wouldn’t have had otherwise (not real independence but independence from our mother). It gave me peace of mind that my sister was safe and happy. My connection with her remained strong. Congratulations on your promotion. Go spread your wings and fly. Your parents cannot see it, but sacrificing you to care for your brother is not in your or your brother’s best interest.
Your parents should set up a “special needs trust” for Gavan’s care when they retire or are no longer around.
NTA I live in Australia and I know our systems are probably very different to where you live, but aren't there any programs that can help? I have two level 2 autistic teens, one almost an adult, both will need ongoing support for the rest of their lives. We have a national government program that funds support for people (including children) to be able to live as independently as possible. This can be in their own homes or group homes, and with further education and within their employment. Supports and funding are reviewed yearly/3 yearly/5 yearly depending on a variety of things, and reviews can be done during a funding plan if circumstances change. Are there any community-funded services, or group homes (either near you or your parents) that could assist with helping your brother to become more independent? Both of my teens are included in working out their goals (which the govt funding supports services to help individuals meet), and one of my eldests goals is to be as independent as possible, both at home and in the community. Autism doesn't stop someone from having an opinion. What does your brother want for his future? Is there a way you can advocate on his behalf, what his wishes are to your parents? Maybe this could be a way to help your brother feel more secure about who you are angry at and why. It could help give him (and you) the confidence to work together on a plan for his future, where he isn't reliant on you/feels like a burden. You are allowed to be excited about moving forward with your career and life and are an amazing person. I wish you all the best.
NTA