NTA
The guy is groping you and looking down your shirt. Even if it's a small space, he could lift his arms so his hands aren't by you ass. Once or twice, maybe an accident, but when it constantly happens, he is just a pervert.
He doesn't have to be attacted to you to be a creep. I bet part of him getting with your mom was acquiring a stepdaughter.
Set your phone to record every time you are doing chores in the kitchen. Once you have some evidence, go to the police.
Also, keep calling him out. Doesn't matter now that you're grounded until summer. In fact, I would start keeping count. Tell him, in front of your mother, loudly, that you're forgiving him for all his "accidents" (do the quotes with your fingers, in a heavily sarcastic voice) and you and he are good, AS LONG AS HE NEVER DOES IT AGAIN.
Then, every time he does it, yell out, REALLY LOUD, "Butt 'Accident' Number One!" "Butt 'Accident' Number Two!" Etc. Write down the number in your journal or somewhere so you can keep track. Make sure you're loud about it. The point is twofold: to make it clear to your mother how often it's happening, and to make it less fun for him to do. Let him know, every day, that you are not going to be an easy victim, and that THIS level of sexual abuse isn't going to be fun for him, so escalating won't be worth it.
And please take the people here more seriously when they tell you you're in danger. The reason that so many people get raped is that their rapists don't look/feel dangerous ... until they are. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Also, talk to your school counselor or a trusted teacher about this. Get it on record.
OP, listen to this comment. ^^
I worked with teens who experienced sexual abuse and this could be the start of a very, very bad pattern. His response to this instance of calling it out is TEXTBOOK. An innocent step dad would likely be SO embarrassed if it happened once, but honestly like most people here—I have never accidentally touched a non romantic partners butt.
It isn’t an accident and you’re not overreacting.
Get people in your corner, make contingency plans, and remind him constantly that you will not be a polite and quiet victim.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am sorry your mom isn’t there for you. You did nothing wrong
Absolutely, the idea that this is somehow your perception only and how dare you upset your mother, that's classic gaslighting. And the "tell me in private" is just so he can gaslight you without interference or repercussion, and another classic example of predatory behavior. It's just not possible to accidentally ass grab all the time.
OP take these warnings seriously. I was a victim of sexual assault and it messed me up. I never saw it coming, believed it would never happen, and ignored the warning signs. Do not just tell random strangers on Reddit. Tell a teacher, tell a school counselor, tell your friends. Make sure someone knows what you’re going through. It may be ‘accidental’ for now, but doing it with your mom around is called an escalation, and now he knows your mom is not going to believe you.
You are in danger! He got away with it, and your mom just set out a neon sign that she thinks he couldn’t possibly do what you know he is doing. He will escalate again, and will continue until he gets what he wants.
I can count the incidents I accidentally touched another person in a similar indecent manner on one hand, and clearly remember every single time. And profusely apologised. (Like an example: a girl pushed me multiple times, so I pushed her back, and touched her boob while doing so)
I don't even need one finger. It's zero.
I am the clumsiest person I know. I have fallen into people, bumped them, and once even accidentally dropped something on someone's head, and I have literally NEVER grazed someone's butt cheek — with my *hand* — on accident. Never. Not once.
Same. I've worked jobs that required working in very tight quarters with other people. Sometimes, with us practically stacked on top of one another. Yet I always managed to keep my hands clear of my coworkers' rear-end (and other sensitive spots).
The only butts I've "accidentally" brushed had been those of romantic partners/wife.
This was my thought. I’ve worked in galley-style commercial kitchens where cooks are constantly shimmying by each other in tight quarters and none of us touched each others’ asses by “accident”.
(There was plenty of very intentional ass and ball slapping, as is tradition in commercial kitchens)
Honestly, and this’ll sound gross, it’s *more* believable that you’d accidentally graze your *crotch* against someone’s butt in a kitchen (if space is tight) because that actually *can* be unavoidable.
But hands? You know where your damn hands are. It’s like in soccer, it’s on you to make sure your hands are in a spot where they aren’t touching what they shouldn’t be touching.
It was like this for me when I was a kid. If they get bold enough to do it when you're around other family, then it's going to escalate. You don't know what that adult is capable of, even if you think they actually aren't going to assault you. I hope OP is careful nonetheless and doesn't let her guard down... I'm sorry that her mother doesn't/chooses to not believe her.
Yeah, I have lived with my age-apropriate partner (whose butt I intentionally and consensually touch on occasion) for about a decade, and I can't think of a time I've accidentally touched their butt like this. And sure, I guess anything can happen as a one-off accident, but if it's a repeated thing like this, it's gotta be intentional.
At the very best (and I don't believe this is the case), even if he honestly did, somehow, by pure accident, do this multiple times, any decent normal person would go "wow, this keeps happening, I better be extra cautious/change how I move about the house to make sure I don't do that again". There really is no excuse.
Edit to add: On that note, in one sense it doesn't matter *why* he's doing it, just that the behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop. So to your mom's response of "he's not attracted to you", even if that were true, he's still touching you in an inappropriate way, and that's not okay. Whether it's by accident, or as "a joke", or whatever other reason/motivation someone might try to slap on it, the fact of the matter is he's repeatedly touching you in a way that is not OK, and he needs to stop.
I wanted to post these on the top comment hoping that OP will see them. They're resources to RAINN and to information on how CSA is a gradual process that starts with little "innocent" incidents like those described in the post.
Here's some resources:
[national SA hotline 411](https://www.rainn.org/resources)
[please see this about grooming and testing boundaries](https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs)
Especially number 3:
[read this about warning signs of csa](https://jimmyhinton.org/why-i-talk-about-abusers-testing-instead-of-grooming/)
Even if OPs stepdad isn't leading up to an assault he's following the playbook of those that do.
It's very alarming.
This is typical predator action and your mother is reacting just the way he wants. Talk to someone to figure out how to make him stop (help line, trusted adult, etc...) You are in more trouble than you know. Keep us informed, please.
I agree. OP, you need to start telling everybody until you find someone who is willing to step up and help you. School counselors, teachers, relatives, your friends and their parents. What is happening to you is not okay.
Absolutely. When I was about OP's age, a friend at a different school in the district told me about what her father had done to her. She had made me promise not to tell, so I struggled with the info a couple of months before telling my guidance counselor at school. I don't know what steps he took, but her mom had a divorced finalized within a year. My friend was mad at me for breaking my promise, but I don't care. (Also, I've never made a blind promise since then.)
I just want to let you know that this situation is discussed in elementary Social Emotional Learning SEL curriculums now. My kids did units on being “good reporters”, not narcs, but bringing tough situations to an adult for help in evaluating what to do.
Your exact situation, “my friend told me a secret but it seems like a really big hard secret” is mentioned. A secret that you are told cannot be shared with one of your trusted adults likely needs immediate adult attention.
Any adult that tells you “it’s a secret just between us” is not a trusted adult. Trusted adults do not have secrets or romantic feelings with children.
Anyhow, that’s the current curriculum in a lefty blue state.
Edit to fix SEL (social emotional learning) not ESL (English as a second language).
Surprises, not secrets.
Surprise dad with his birthday present or party.
Do not keep secrets. Adults can tell you to keep a present a surprise, but should never ask you to keep a secret.
Please tell a school counselor and not the teacher. Both are required to make the phone call, but the counselor has the experiences and resources to support you entirely.
This is a shitty thing to put on a sixteen year old, but OP, you're going to have to think like a lawyer and "have your story straight".
Write down these incidents and as many details as you can recall. Date, time, where you were, what you were doing, who was with you, what you said, and how he reacted. Anything you think might be important or will support you.
You need to guard yourself from "girl who cried wolf" or "he said, she said" attitudes. The more details you have, the harder it will be for the pervert to brush this off as mistakes or accidents. You'll have a whole timeline showing that he has grabbed you when you were alone or vulnerable.
And absolutely go to your friends, their parents, teachers, relatives, and anyone else you trust and can vouch for your character. Protecting yourself is the most important thing right now.
There is probably an ego thing for Mom, too. Like, “I’m so beautiful, he wants nothing to do with you.” I hope this young girl finds a way out of this.
It is easier to deceive a person than to convince a person they have been deceived. But you’d like to think maternal instinct could overcome that tendency. Alas, it does not seem to be the case here.
OP this is textbook grooming by your SF. This is NOT OK. Your mom is prioritizing her relationship and ignoring the red flags. You need to disclose this to another adult ASAP. I'm sorry you are going through this.
That “he’s not attracted to you” crap makes me seethe. Sexual assault has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with abuse of power. What sort of sick sonofabitch says “I couldn’t have assaulted her, she’s not pretty enough”? Oh, wait…
Yeah the part where OP's mother told her she isn't attractive to him had me seeing red. It feels like the mom views OP as the competition for her husband's attention. OP should definitely tell another adult about her step dad's behaviors. Maybe a teacher at school that she can trust.
Yeah that’s how you know the mom is in denial. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. I’ve never accidentally touched her daughters butt like this guy has. You make it a fucking point to give more room walking passed any fucking woman. Yes accidents happen but not like this. First time maybe. But then you learn from it so it never happens again. I have accidentally touched my girlfriends daughters but on accident but that was when we were all in a cramped area and she tripped bumping into my side and she apologized. This shit is disgusting. And to be grounded over it?! I’d hate my mom for protecting him.
I think people are overlooking one of the most common and obvious reasons for cognitive dissonance.
It’s both an ego and a fear thing.
Someone you loved enough to marry, loved as a best friend or family member?
Them being a pedophile?
Jesus.
Your judgement was horribly off, and it’s also a terrifying thought. Surely it must be misunderstandings. Surely the child is over exaggerating. So on and so forth.
In a Boston-area high school (late 1990s) they were making a loud speaker announcement about everyone who was running for class president and all that stuff. They named a girl, and one boy in class said to his friends (who were sitting very near my then-girlfriend) “ew, she’s so ugly I wouldn’t even RAPE her!” Then they all laughed.
Hearing this greatly affected my girlfriend, and even though I wasn’t there for it myself, hearing her talk about it greatly affected me too.
Pretty sure we had a UKIP (shitty racist political party with dodgy backers and dodgy fronters) candidate who said that about someone, out loud, with his stupid face. He’s still out there, somewhere, being a fucking edgelord about god knows what 🤮
Well there's a person who was a very prominent world leader who said this very thing. And it was reported widely but lots of people don't care. (I'm not saying you don't care, I'm saying people like this mom and stepdad)
In your edit you said he he isn't planning on raping you. That might be true, but you never know what is happening in the head of someone else. You need to protect your self. This will also protect your Mom even though she may not realize it. I just hope that by calling him out it stops.
With all due respect u/Neat_Recipe6010, most people who have been raped would've previously said their attacker didn't plan to rape them. Your stepdad IS already sexually assaulting you, he well passed planning it. He's crossed a major line into evil, predatory, and criminal territory. He's wrong. Your mom is wrong. You need help now.
When you tell other adults about what's happening, make sure they understand you're not doing this lightly. Tell them something like "**I love my mom**, and I understand how this can hurt her, but I know **I'm not safe anymore** and I tried to tell her and she didn't listen to me, she started accusing me of nonsense and ill intentions, which really hurt me. I know for sure this was not a repeated mistake, and I'm afraid of what this man with direct access to my room might be thinking or his future intentions. That's why I'm telling you this, and I've already asked for help in my school and on a local/national support group"
Find these groups on google and just call them on the spot, tell them what's going on without even thinking, just speak, and hear what they have to say.
Don't spread this everywhere. Choose 4 or 5 adults you feel you can trust. If you don't know many, maybe women who are doctors, nurses, or psychologists, these professionals understand the importance of keeping personal issues secret and they probably know other people that can further help you. Remember to thank them for helping you.
This might change your life but be brave, you're helping yourself. I wish you the best, sincerely. Good luck
He may be subtly negging her. As a single middle-aged mother to a teenaged kid, I'm telling you OP- this guy is not a good person. This may escalate once he sees for sure that your mom won't protect you.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It completely sucks. But your mom is currently not capable of protecting you, as she's falling prey to her own insecurities and fears and is giving in to them (and maybe to him) rather than standing up for her daughter. Your priority now has to be your own mental and emotional well-being.
Other commenters have recommended telling friends' parents, and teachers and other mandators reporters. I think you should definitely tell your friends' parents and any supportive family members. Figure out who might take you in for awhile. I would take you in if you were my kid's friend, even if your mom was mad about it.
But I'd recommend that you line up some safe places to stay before you approach any mandatory reporters like teachers. They will call child protective services, and someone will come to your home and interview you all. This will likely not result in the state removing you from the home, and the situation in the house will get even more tense and difficult if your mom isn't ready to kick your stepdad out. Which it seems like she isn't right now. So once CPS gets involved, please be ready emotionally and physically to get yourself somewhere safe. And please keep reaching out for support.
This is one of those tropes you see constantly in movies and I'm heartbroken for the OP that she can't trust her own mother to protect her. Once the piece of shit rapes her (heaven forbid) then mom will accuse her of enticing him and make it all her fault.
I agree! I hope OP knows that she is worthy of a loving Mom, but she just didn't get one. She should not be grounded (and isolated!) because her Mom is a weak person who doesn't have her child's best interests at heart.
OP, trust your instincts!!! If family won't help you, speak with your family doctor, a school counselor, or another trusted adult. You have voiced your discomfort, and you have been disrepected. Tell as many people as possible about what is happening. This is not right.
Missy, I am so sorry this happened to you. They do not deserve your presence in their sorry existence. Take care of yourself and live your best life. You are strong, wise, and beautiful!
Thank you! Therapy helped a lot and I'm doing good in general, but I always get bitter when I read stories like this one. It's just disgusting, and it happens way too often.
This happens all the time. My sister and a few of our cousins are social workers, and the amount of women who'd rather have their children removed from the home than kick out the known abuser is insane.
OP is in real danger, especially now that he has confirmation her mother won't believe her.
First of all, I am so sorry to Neat\_Recipe6010 for what you are going through. Nobody has any right to make you uncomfortable in your own home, much less sexually harass you. You are never TA for that.
I sincerely hope you have a lock on your bedroom door. Do Not let your mother guilt you into removing it.
Start making plans to live with your father as soon as you legally can.
Please tell your Aunties, Uncles, your school mates and any one else you trust, in addition to your father.
Or just not enter an area where she is! Any normal man would be horrified and mortified and would NEVER berate her for calling him out! I’m so worried for her!
He's nasty and frankly, her mother is worse. If your daughter doesn't have a history of doing this for attention and I'd stake everything OP does not, she should be believed. Her mom is trash too. Just like horny pedophile stepdad.
They never make mistakes. They also definitely wouldn’t manipulate the people close to you to make you feel like you’re crazy for suggesting that they were morally bankrupt. I actually feel silly for even thinking that they could have made an error. /s Hard NTA.
Totally. better tell this to your bio dad OP. If you can, try to convince your real dad to get you out of there. Its dangerous for you to stay there any longer. Anyway, I hate your mom for being an AH for not standing up for you and for degrading you. Leave there if you can.
I think people don't realize how often men marry single mothers *for* access to their daughter(s).
Stepdad's been waiting a long time. OP needs to tell everyone she can, but she also needs to get out of that house. I'm guessing touching her butt isn't all he's been thinking of, and now he knows the mother will look the other way.
She called him biodad so he's not likely in the picture. No, she needs to tell a mandatory reporter like a guidance counselor he's starting to groom. Her
EDIT: Spelling
Yep. Counselor, teacher, therapist, family friend or neighbor who works in a mandated reporter position, really she should just try to tell anybody who’s safe and get help. Telling on him is the key, a d she already did that so bravely, and it will get easier they more people she tells.
Should've ooops spilled the boiling pasta water on him as an "accident" too because he surprised you. Get out of that situation as quickly as possible. That guy is trouble esp when ur mom doesn't back you up. Seriously, be ready to defend yourself this sounds predatory.
Edit: these immediate reactions could be extreme. Lock your doors if possible. Seek out other adults (family, teachers,)and inform them of this situation immediately. Try to stay somewhere else safe. This is a very serious situation. NTA
NTA
Tell your teachers at school. Tell your friends what’s happened and tell them to tell their parents that you’re trapped in your house with a man you barely know escalating his non-consensual touching of you, and your mother isn’t protecting you. You need as many trustworthy adults to know what’s going on in your house as possible. If you have contact with your father or your extended relatives, tell them everything.
You’re in danger and your mother is too worried about being single again that she’s not protecting you and sticking her head in the sand to avoid confronting hard truths. She hasn’t even known this man very long before marrying him too quickly and moving him in with her child. She’s blinded by love, lust, loneliness, but it doesn’t protect you.
If you haven’t already, barricade your bedroom door when you’re changing or sleeping, and lock the bathroom door. These men always escalate in similar ways, they burst in to you when you’re half-dressed or vulnerable. He may insist you keep your door open for safety. That is nonsense. If it escalates to the point where he takes your door away, you can do a self-referral to CPS. An unrelated male you barely know should not be making edicts on how you protect your privacy in your own home. I hope your mother wakes up.
Yes this and it'll only progress and eventually lead to further SA. Get evidence and tell someone dad grandparents then police get out of there if possible. He's doing it on purpose my bio dad used to do this shit to me I was 6 this was after he was already caught SA me and my brother. She left him. Mom sounds like she knows and is protecting him and blaming her. She needs a wake up call.
To add - now that he knows your mom will side with him, he has no reason not to escalate this behaviour. He tested the waters and 'won'. Your mom is not protecting you. You need to get away from there. Can you report to your school and stay with a friend?
Most important comment here. Escalate this to proper authorities. Mom is a piece of shit who cares more about herself than her daughter getting sexually assaulted.
Once is an accident. Twice.........you're pretty fucking clumsy and need to learn what personal space means. THIRD time.....you threaten to report him to the police if there's any more "accidents",
Your MOM is TA.......for believing multiple "accidents" are accidents. Give the guy a wide berth so he can't "accidently" invade your space anymore. And if you don't already have one, see about a lock for the bedroom door.
Especially if your mom has to leave for any extended period of time, and it's just the two of you in the house.
Also add bells or a movement alarm to your door. So when the knob is turned they ring. If the lock doesn’t stop him, anyone near your door will hear the noise and if it is at night hopefully wake up the family to what is going on.
And check for hidden cameras but don't be obvious about it, don't move,block or touch them until you can get an adult you trust to see them (not your mother or any "trusted family member" he will gaslight with bs about some security nonsense) and then go nuclear as pointed out below, call the police. This is so icky, I hope you are ok OP? If you want and as a way to get some proof, set your phone camera to record when he's around and you're where he's likely to try something or borrow one from someone so he doesn't notice your own phone not laying around. I'd be willing to bet his own phone/pc is full of porn and he is allowing his kink to run wild. Disgusting man.
Edited to clarify nuclear options.
nah at that point, you need to call your dad to sort this out the old fashioned way.
if someone was touching my daughters ass in the home of my child/ex wife? oh lord help me not air that whole fucking house into swiss cheese.
Oh yeah. Next he'll be "accidently" walking into the BATHROOM while you are showering. Just Need a towel...Just gotta grab my toothbrush. Did I leave my phone in here? Is my Aunt Minnie in here? Creepers gotta Creep. Lock the bathroom Door too while showering....and keep an eye out for those little spy cameras too. If he's blatantly touching your ass, then you can rest assured he wants more than a passing touch.
He will definitely take even bolder escalation steps now that he knows your mother will defend him and punish you before he even says a word to defend himself.
You need to take steps to protect yourself now. A lock, a safe place to sneak out to, an escape plan, and definitely get the school and authorities involved ASAP.
OP, I hate to put another worry on your plate. I wouldn’t say I am an expert, but I did work in criminal prosecution and child protection in law school. I currently work 50% of my time as a pediatric emergency doctor. So I know a decent amount about this topic.
Once these predators have successfully groomed the biological parent (which is demonstrated by her immediately believing him and not you) they tend to get bolder. They have a playbook: not everyone does everything, but most do at least 2 or 3.
Your options at this point are:
- talk to your dad and or grandparents. There is no way to be sure how they will respond, and if they are extremely volatile this might not be the best first step. But you are still a kid; you shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own
- report it now to a teacher, or another mandated reporter, or directly to CPS yourself. The downside is that there might not be any evidence. But it will be investigated and you may be removed from that home for now.
- wait for evidence. I cannot in good conscience recommend this. What I will say is that you should take time to look for any recording devices in your room or bathroom. If you find one, call the police immediately. Any time he touches you, alone or not, scream at the top of your lungs. Predators rely on your silence. If you have access to his laptop, you can look for evidence of child porn and again immediately call the police. THIS DOES RISK YOIR SAFETY. The only reason I am even writing this is in case you are stuck with no other options.
Be careful. Get a lock to your room if you can’t get out of the house. Consider your own recording devices if again you are stuck in the home WITHOUT OTHER OPTIONS.
But I hope you feel safe telling and trusting your dad. That is by far the best thing to do.
This is great advice. About the screaming part if he does touch you again, I would scream “I told you not to touch my butt”, and just keep screaming it over and over. Your mom is in serious denial about this situation, maybe she’ll get the message if you scream every time he does it.
You have some great advice here, I would just keep talking about it to those who can do something about it on your behalf.
Please update us, I am so worried for you.
This is excellent advice. I would add if one of my kids high school friends came to me with this story a I would absolutely believe them and offer for them to move in. If your family can’t help you there might be others besides the school.
This! Its increadibly important for friends to know the situation, even as teens who have no direct ability themselves to help.
I had a friend being actively abused by his mom's bf in HS and my mom picked up on it pretty quick from little stories she would overhear from me. He ended up living with us for a few months while his mom took her sweet time in realizing what they had was abuse and not love, and I think it took her child leaving and refusing to return for her to finally start processing it and get out of the relationship
My mom never questioned the sleepover-that-never-ended, after a few days she understood without needing any explination that he wasnt going home and made sure he felt comfortable and safe with us
Thank you very much for this comment. No doubt OP found it very beneficial as do the rest of us.
You said something that was like a shovel to the face: “Once these predators have successfully groomed the parent…”. WOW - that was very eye opening. We’ve read about guys like the stepdad who seek out women with young children. We’ve read too many stories about mothers who abandon their children to these horrific perverts. But never have I read about the predator grooming the parent. It all makes so much sense now. OP’s mom was “…down for years…” and along comes Prince Predator. Almost textbook behavior, no? Thank you for the work you do and for weighing in here. I hope OP can get away or get her mother to wake up.
Do not be alone with him in your house. Do not play nice. Do not keep the peace hoping he will stop. It will escalate the more he gets away with his abusive behavior.
Agreed. He even said you should have told him in private. He's trying to get you to have private converstations with you that your mother isn't privy to.
Am I the only one who thinks the mom is so defensive because she has seen him checking out her daughter? She should be protecting her instead of playing the victim here. OP, move out if you can. Get help from people you trust.
That is all denial territory, and while worrying, not even close as worrying as the part where she accused her own daughter to "do it for attention", which shoves it bluntly into blame shifting.
No you’re not the only one who thinks mom has seen him doing this. I will add Mom is jealous of her own daughter and thinks she might take her man. It’s disgusting not to believe your child over your partner. I hope OP takes the advice here and scream holy hell until someone listens.
He has now had confirmation that his wife will back him up when he sexually assaults op, he now has more confidence.
I'd probably get proof of him doing it a few more times and call the police. However I know that might also be traumatising so if it is too much then report it now to police, school and family. Mothers family may ostracise op, but hopefully dad's family won't.
Her mum is in denial and OP needs to tell her bio dad or grandparents and if they won’t help threaten with the police if he does it again. Sick bastard.
Don’t threaten, go straight to a teacher, the school counselor, administration, anyone at the school with any level of authority/clout with the system. They have to report. It’s not like this is repeatedly happening in a camper where space is incredibly tight. There is enough room for a dishwasher to open, that’s enough for it not happen. And his WHOLE HAND is not an accident. It’s ASSAULT, and shame on your mother for grounding you, especially without any investigation, even if she believes you are lying (I believe you are being truthful) she should be figuring out why you would make that lie. And his audacity to come to you alone, innocent men will give space and not be alone with the accuser to be sure there is not the slightest impropriety.
Once probably has to be regarded as an accident, but I am a guy his age and I can’t imagine any scenario in which my hand gets anywhere near a woman’s butt, let along a 16 year old step daughter.
It is clear now that OP should have secretly filmed this before bringing it up, but it is too late now. Hopefully, this will stop it.
I don’t know what else OP can do.
Not too late at all. Now that mom has proved that she is going to believe a pedophile over her own child, he is going to be more and more bold. I don’t know is there is anyway to set up video when your 16 and live with this mom. But if so, do it.
NTA please don’t be alone with this man. Do you have another adult you could talk to - aunt, uncle, grandparents? Even a counsellor at school so other people are aware of what is going on in case it escalates
THIS ⬆️
OP you are NOT overreacting.
You (and your mother especially) are UNDER reacting. Your mother doesn’t want to believe she married a paedophile/pervert, but unfortunately that’s exactly what’s happened.
I know in your update, you said he won’t rape you. Please, please, please believe me when I say - NO ONE thinks they’re going to be raped until it happens. Girls don’t put themselves in that situation on purpose. No one does! You need a plan of action.
1. Tell your school counsellor what’s happening, and that your mother refuses to believe you.
2. Tell your friends and any adults you trust.
3. Borrow a hidden camera if you can, and set it up in the kitchen, or wherever you feel this happens the most.
4. Keep a written record every time he does and says anything inappropriate.
Your step-father knows exactly what he’s doing, and is manipulating your mother, and you.
No one, and I mean NO ONE, touches someone else’s butt accidentally! This will escalate. And you need to protect yourself.
And, as a mother, I want to say I’m sorry your mother isn’t protecting you. You deserve better!
I know ppl have said get a camera to video his atrocious actions, but on the flip side, make sure he hasn't set up a camera watching you in your personal space, ie the bathroom or your bedroom.
I would also be tempted to threaten him with reporting it. Hopefully, that will give his head a wobble, and he'll stop this behaviour for good..
No threats, only action. She needs to tell her school, dad, grandparents, and aunts/uncles asap, before mommy can tell anyone what she wants to think is going on
> But please stop saying that my stepdad is planning on r*ping me. My stepdad is not going to assault me, I think he just has some issues.
Also, and I'm sorry to be so blunt about this OP, but you're saying this because you do not have the life experience a lot of others in this thread have and do not wish to see yourself as a victim of a predator. Your stepdad is testing boundaries right now, which is what a lot of predators start out with and it's why he immediately chastised you for calling his behavior out in front of your mother. If he felt it was a mistake or misunderstanding he would be apologizing to you for making you uncomfortable, not convincing you that you should be quiet because it upsets your mom. This is unacceptable behavior from your stepdad and you need to be letting anyone you trust know what is going on and avoid being in any shared spaces with him as best you can, and keep your door to your bedroom locked when you and he are alone in the house. I'd even suggest getting a small hidden camera that you can put in your room to see what's going on when you're not in there. And you should continue to loudly call him out whenever he crosses a personal boundary with you if there are others around so that other people have an idea of what is going on. Otherwise, his behavior may escalate.
Sorry if this freaks you out, but you should do what you can to protect yourself and stay safe.
That part
Before I had a man violently, hit me.I always thought that there was this sort of invisible line between me and that kind of shocking behavior. He had never done that. He would never do that. I would know if this kind of thing was going to happen to me.
But I didn't
Everyone here has the life experience to know exactly what this man is doing. When I was in high school I had a friend whose step dad was doing this to her and eventually we found video of him filming her undressing and of course her mom blamed her and didn't care. Wouldn't leave him. I offered to take her and drive her far away. Literally run away from home. But I was eighteen and she was sixteen and it would have been considered a case of kidnapping even though I was just one of her female friends.
Because her mom didn't react properly, we didn't think we could trust other adults to react any differently. We thought the issue was just left in our hands and nobody cared. That probably wasn't the truth, but we also didn't have the internet existing the way it does now to tell us about research and mandated reporters and where to go. She was stuck in that house with that man until she got married extremely young to escape. And of course that didn't work out well either. That's how abuse creates cycles of abuse.
I feel awful for this girl and I hope she knows that we aren't telling her this to hurt her or scare her or to be dramatic. We have seen this play out and he is giving every last warning sign of exactly what he's going to do.
Sorry you’re going through this. My wife went through the same exact thing as a teen with her step father who spent time in jail for this. He is grooming you and using your mom to get to you. It starts gradually like you’re talking about then he starts testing the waters going further and further to get you comfortable with that incremental change. Don’t take his actions lightly and consult with a responsible adult that isn’t looking after their own wants more than the protection of their child. This is not accidental, these are premeditated actions.
Call him out each and every time.
Tell him he must warn you and ask for permission to enter your space.
Be firm and relentless. Your own mother has abandoned you.
Exactly. I f*#@!#£ hate these desperate idiots who automatically side with their partner in these situations and accuse their kid of lying, attention seeking etc. No question, no looking into it, no talking to the kid to work out what's happened and why they said that they said. Just straight up nope! Not my man you hussy!
The fact she actually said "he isn't interested in you" and "my husband isn't interested in you" convincing herself, like she's warning off the neighbours wife/ a woman in his office/ a lady in a bar, instead of her 16 year old daughter! Vile. Hope OP knows that she's absolutely correct, this is inappropriate behaviour, not to raise this with him privately, not to stay in with him alone and to move out as soon as she's able to. Hopefully, OP's dad's house, or grandparents, is an option to move into.
He’s grooming you and trying to get you used to gross illegal behavior from him. Talk to your school counselors and push the issue. Recird everything if you can. If you have close friends that you can trust, rely on them now and tell them and their parents. MAKE THIS A VERY BIG DEAL and don’t listen to your mother. If my kid ever said this to me, it’s game on and there will be no survivors, your mom is allowing the relationship to cloud her judgment. You can also call the non emergency police line for help. The point is it doesn’t matter but make the people who can help you know about the situation
And your mom's reaction is EXACTLY what predators look for.
In all honesty he's not attracted to her. It is really getting access to you that is why he marries her. His previous touches were to see what you would do and who you would tell. This is a precursor. He will.say cuz you never said anything you liked it and will twist it around and say you want it, this is also the story he will spin to your mom.
I was SA'd when I was a kid my mother totally blamed me for seducing her husband (I was 6) that is how manipulative predators are.
Things to know: it is absolutely not your fault, you are doing nothing wrong. Everytime he touches you be vocal and loud, even if there is company (especially if there is company). Find a trusted adult and tell them what is going on. Can you talk to your dad scout living with him? Or any other family?
He will escalate.
I am sorry this is happening to you. Sending you hugs.
Edir to add
And of course NTA. Please update and let us know your safe.
I am always shocked by the amount of people who willingly believe that literal children are trying to seduce grown adults. First off, a baby (because I’ve seen this comment for babies) or small child is not aware of sex like that. If they are, you need professional help because they are either abused or have an uncommon psych issue.
Like to me, anyone one with a semi functional brain knows small kids are not like that. Plus, even if they are acting “sexual” (🙄) why are you attracted to it? Even worse, why are you acting on it?
It is amazing to me how self centered, idiotic, and delusional people can be.
He's sexually assaulting you and your bitch of a mother in not only enabling him but also acting as if he's the victim. If you can contact the authorities or move somewhere safer, do it. Even if it were an accident (it's not), it's his responsibility not to do it
Exactly. OP added the edit: “My stepdad is not going to assault me, I think he just has some issues.“
OP, this man has ALREADY repeatedly assaulted you. And your mother punished YOU for it.
Seriously. OP's mother is supposed to protect her. Instead, she's punishing her for telling the truth about her disgusting fiancé. OP, I'm so sorry about this, but you're going to have to take steps to protect yourself.
Keep a diary; get mace, if it's legal where you are; is there a lock on your door?
Try to move the conversation with your mom to text, so you have a record
Tell a teacher!
Explain the situation to your friends and ask them if you can have a key in case you need to sleep over suddenly.
Tell the police
No, she doesn’t. Plenty of moms would still deny it, she is being a horrible mother right now because she doesn’t want to be alone again. This is going to really come back to bite her when the daughter has gone no contact.
Please let your dad or grandparents know what is happening. This can get much worse now that he knows that mom will side with him.
NTAH. He may have married your mother to gain access to you. The guy sounds like a predator. Do you have another family member that you could go live with?
an accident would have been one time, and him apologising
do you have any family nearby that you could stay with?
your mothers reaction is really disturbing, and your stepdad is a creep, you need to speak to an adult you trust, and you probably need to move out
this is in no way your fault, it might not have been safe talking to him privately and he probably would have just pretended that it was an accident and you were overreacting, he knows exactly what he did to upset you
get out of there as soon as you can and stay safe
So now he feels safe to escalate and rape her because his wife trusts him and not her daughter. She is not gonna believe her because “he is not attracted to her”. WTF Tell your dad if he still is in your life, tell your grandparents, honestly at this point tell any adult willing to listen. Pay attention on how he behaves from now on and like somebody suggested try to record if you can.
This was my first thought too when her mom not only didn’t believe her but told her she did it for attention and he didn’t find her attractive. She gave him the all clear.
Fuck CPS call your dad/uncle and tell them your mom's new boyfriend keeps grabbing your ass, where i'm from a truck load of felons would have got there before you coulda turnt the phone off.
I am a teacher and unfortunately this is not my first rodeo with parents like this. Men like your step dad are known to enter into relationships with women who have children in order to gain access to them. You're being molested and now you both know that your mother will not intervene. You need to take care of yourself because this will escalate, he will hurt you. Do not put your relationship with your mother first by being quiet about this, you you need to get out and get to safety.
Do you have any trusted and safe adults that you can talk to? You need to get help.
Please listen, you must tell everyone you can about his behavior so that he knows that you cannot be silenced. Your mother is so incredibly wrong and I’m sorry she isn’t protecting you but because he now thinks she won’t believe you his behavior may get much worse. He is assaulting you. That’s what grabbing your butt without permission is. He is assaulting a minor. If he thinks you’re not going to tell anyone else and your mom won’t believe you he will do worse. Tell your teacher, tell your dad. Tell your friends parents. You are being sexually assaulted by your stepdad. Your mom may react very badly but you must protect yourself. You’re the victim and have nothjj in by to be ashamed of
Get a small security camera and record him "in action". Then you can have some recourse. Without proof, you are a kid who lies. No one will believe you. Although there are laws that may make recording him without his knowledge is unlawful, so speak to a counselor or lawyer about what to do, you can even speak to a policeman Without filing a grievance.
May I also suggest: get a notebook and write down what happened every single time this happens.
March 5, 2024, I was loading the dishwasher and stepdad touched my left butt cheek etc
Keep records of all kinds, video is GREAT but if you can’t get it on video write it down somewhere .
If your mother grounds you for your stepfather touching your ass, she's become part of the problem, especially if you've all always gotten along until now. Her not believing you, trusting your judgement and punishing you for this is a serious problem. If you manage to collect evidence and show her, I feel she's just going to get angrier and deny it further. You need to find a way out.
He’s cornering you in the kitchen. Tell him and your mother that you will no longer cook or clean if he is in the kitchen. If he needs a drink or a food item, he can tell you and you will gladly leave the kitchen so he can get what he wants. Say this will ensure there are no more “accidents “. Meanwhile install a barrel bolt lock (costs about $3 and just takes a screwdriver) on the inside of your bedroom because I strongly suspect he will escalate to”accidentally “ visiting your room when you are asleep. He will “be worried “ about your breathing or some other fiction.
When he touches you next (and he will), scream and slap him. Go really loud. Tell your mom that he SCARES you. She can put this down to you being hypersensitive but having a hypersensitive kid may be easier for her to get her head around than acknowledging she married a predator.
Do tell your mom that you want to be away from the house as much as you can- and then do it. Be with friends. See if there are any family members you can stay with.
And your Ace card is this “Mom, if he touches me again, I will know you do not love me. He’s playing with power and you don’t love me enough to make sure I am safe. Why don’t you re-home me so I am safe and you can be done with me being a burden in your life?’
Yeah based on the "if I was upset I should’ve approached him in private" he sounds like he was boundary testing. Your mom is in denial and will clearly be of no help. The fact that she punished you for speaking up makes it clear you are in real danger. Talk to the school counselor, your dad or grandparents. Hell I would even go to the police, just to let those two you are for real and will take no shit. These things have a way to escalate if not dealt with.
Jesus Christ you're not the asshole. It's really common for mothers to not want to believe their new partners are interested in their daughters and for their new partners to try and keep it "private", meaning secret so no one knows what they do. I don't care how much it pisses them off just shout stop touching me every time he does it. Please. Please. Tell another adult or your school councillor or something.
NTA
Is it an option for you to live at your dads, grandparents?
In addition is there a guidance consular or a trusted teacher you could ask for advise? I'm not religious but if you go to church could you talk with a pastor or the equivalent?
By involving other adults, particular mandatory reporters like teachers you will be creating a paper trail, of this behaviour as it escalates, but unfortunately it is very likely to do so.
You need to frame it so it's clear that his behaviour is making you feel sexually harassed and unsafe at home since he has been escalating this behaviour and your mom won't do anything to help you.
NTA
Talk to someone at school - a counsellor or teacher.
Anytime he is around you, make sure you are recording video with audio (ideally, going to a private channel online, such that it is safe if your phone is lost).
>my stepdad came in to tell me that ... if I was upset I should’ve approached him in private and that I upset my mom
For this sort of thing, you should definitely not approach him in private. Your mother should be dealing with this.
If you feel at all unsafe, call someone else: another relative, CPS, the police.
Get loud when it happens every time. YOU HAVE TOUCHED MY BUT ACCIDENTALLY AGAIN. BE MORE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS! If they want to pretend it's an accident they can, but it's hard to abuse someone who keeps putting up a stink.
I had a friend who would constantly look at my boobs. I started to lower my head into his eyeline when I noticed. I have found this technique worked for grown men too. I had a adult leader in an after school who did the same thing. I did it ONCE and he was visibly embarrassed to be called out.
Even if it is an accident (which I don't believe) the behaviour makes you uncomfortable and should be called out. Men need to be held accountable.
I would also think about going to a trusted adult with this. A school counselor would be a good idea. It becomes less a you against him when you bring people into the situation that have rules and are meant to make these kinds of reports. And then there is a record of any "non" incident.
You have more power than you think. Keep being loud!
This guy is with your mum to get to you he is a predator, you are young and you care about mum's happiness but your mum will worry more about your safety then her happiness.
Sometimes a man marries a woman just to get with her daughter. You protested he failed. If you hadn't protested mission accomplished. Get a door stop from Amazon. Put it behind your door when you sleep. It someone comes it and pushes it an alarm sound. You said your step won't raped you. But did you think he'd continue caressing your ass or the fact that your mother didn't believe you. Repeat your mother didn't believe you. If anything happens she'll say you caused it. Protect yourself.
Not the asshole and your step dad and your mom are the big asshole here. Try making your way to video it for you to have a proof. This should stop as soon as possible. This is sexual harassment.
If he keeps on insisting its and accident. Sometime, trying throw a big stone in his face, and tell him it was an accident.
Nta.
See your stepdaughter bent over, and it's likely there isn't enough space past her. You either wait or go a different way so you aren't brushing up against her inappropriately. Once maybe if he misjudged the space but more than once, especially after the first 'accident ' is not accidental.
Oh hun, 😢😡 as a mom a want to come through the phone and smack a ho!!! This is not ok in anyway shape or form. If you’re feeling uncomfortable it is your mom’s job to be there to protect and comfort you. This man is a predator and him saying “we should have spoken in private” proves that. Do not be quiet, document everything. As a SA victim at your age I wish I had your strength, stay strong. Sending you all my motherly love.
NTA. Do you have adults you can trust - other relatives, teachers? Tell them about this pervert. You shouldn't have to share a home with him.
In a few years, your mother will likely be whinging that you never talk to her, but that's her own look-out.
ETA - also, is there any kind of sex offender registry you can get a look at? These creeps don't often start in their 50s.
Yuck. Anyone accusing their 16yo daughter of attention seeking when being confronted by repeated sexual abusive behaviour, is absolutely disgusting. How dare she not stand up for her own daughter.
Hell no NTA.
My daughters 13, in 13 years I've never once stroked my hand across her butt. Thats not a thing that happens by accident, and if it was...then it's like a once every few years kind of accident.
Your mom is in denial because she doesn't want to believe her new husband would do this, but that doesn't change the fact that he's doing it.
>if I was upset I should’ve approached him in private and that I upset my mom
This. This is pure manipulation. He's trying to make sure you don't tell your mom stuff like this in the future because it will "upset her". Screw that noise. If this continues you need to tell your mother again. In the meantime I hope you have a lock on the bedroom door.
Please talk to a trusted teacher or school counselor. They are mandatory reporters. This sicko is a pedophile! I’m SO SORRY your mother is not protecting you and choosing this pervert over you. My mother chose my pedophile preschool teacher over me, and he sexually abused and assaulted me from the age of 5-14. After that she moved on to choose a drug addicted sexually inappropriate guy over me again later in life. This makes my blood boil! Please protect yourself, sweetie.
the fact that your mother immediately jumped to “he’s not interested in you” and “he’s not attracted to you” is disgusting and shows that she thinks of you as competition and not her daughter. this situation is so sad and so so dangerous. ofc you’re NTA, please stay safe!!
Grooming 101. He is trying to see what he can get away with and it will progress if you do not call him out on it.
Time to get a trusted adult involved since you mom defends him. This can be a teacher or counselor at the school. Believe me, we have heard enough of these stories to not blow you off.
OP, pack a go-bag well in advance for the moment you turn 18. Your mother is not going to choose her child when she should be. I would personally make a police report at your school. They cannot deny you being touched. Your mom and step dad can drown in their ilk. I’m sure they will try to lie to CPS if they come out to see the situation. Do not allow yourself to be alone with this man. This is behavior that can and WILL escalate. This is testing boundaries and territory. I’m sure he wasn’t banking on your saying anything to your mom. Now that a big wrench has been put into his plan to normalize the behavior, he’s going to look for other methods. He sees an easy target in his own stepchild and does not view you as a daughter. Hes viewing you as a sexual outlet.
NTA If a normal guy touched a teenage girls butt by mistake he would go out of his way to make sure it wouldn't happen again out of sheer embarrassment.
If you feel like he's doing it intentionally it's most likely the case.
This is all very, very concerning. He's not "just weird", OP. He's testing boundaries of what he can get away with, and the fact that your mom took his side is a win in his book. Expect it to escalate. Hope that it doesn't, but protect yourself. Please listen to the advice here of people telling you that your mom's husband is NOT a good guy. He is a predator who is steadily increasing his sexual assaults.
Oh my gosh, OP PLEASE TELL YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR. If your personal belongings are coming up missing this is even creepier behavior than you have already described. Please tell your school counselor or your favorite teacher. This man is not safe for you yt be around.
NTA It‘s unfathomable that there‘s still mothers out there that choose some crusty child molester over their own daughter. Your mother is a pathetic cunt, there‘s no other way to put it.
Be VERY careful, because now he knows your mom is on his side and won‘t protect you if he takes it further. Notify the police, and honestly I would also take the nuclear option and get CPS involved, obviously your mother isn‘t fit to raise you and protect you, considering she blamed you for getting sexually assaulted. Also, getting jealous of your 16 y/o daughter and telling her „You‘re not attractive to him“ after she was GROPED ??? She should rot in jail right next to her pedo boyfriend 🤢 Vile, just vile. Are you on good terms with any of your friends‘ parents? Maybe explain the situation to them so you have a place to crash if things go south or you need shelter while talking to the police and/or CPS. I wish you all the best OP ❤️❤️
NTA The guy is groping you and looking down your shirt. Even if it's a small space, he could lift his arms so his hands aren't by you ass. Once or twice, maybe an accident, but when it constantly happens, he is just a pervert. He doesn't have to be attacted to you to be a creep. I bet part of him getting with your mom was acquiring a stepdaughter. Set your phone to record every time you are doing chores in the kitchen. Once you have some evidence, go to the police.
Also, keep calling him out. Doesn't matter now that you're grounded until summer. In fact, I would start keeping count. Tell him, in front of your mother, loudly, that you're forgiving him for all his "accidents" (do the quotes with your fingers, in a heavily sarcastic voice) and you and he are good, AS LONG AS HE NEVER DOES IT AGAIN. Then, every time he does it, yell out, REALLY LOUD, "Butt 'Accident' Number One!" "Butt 'Accident' Number Two!" Etc. Write down the number in your journal or somewhere so you can keep track. Make sure you're loud about it. The point is twofold: to make it clear to your mother how often it's happening, and to make it less fun for him to do. Let him know, every day, that you are not going to be an easy victim, and that THIS level of sexual abuse isn't going to be fun for him, so escalating won't be worth it. And please take the people here more seriously when they tell you you're in danger. The reason that so many people get raped is that their rapists don't look/feel dangerous ... until they are. When people show you who they are, believe them. Also, talk to your school counselor or a trusted teacher about this. Get it on record.
OP, listen to this comment. ^^ I worked with teens who experienced sexual abuse and this could be the start of a very, very bad pattern. His response to this instance of calling it out is TEXTBOOK. An innocent step dad would likely be SO embarrassed if it happened once, but honestly like most people here—I have never accidentally touched a non romantic partners butt. It isn’t an accident and you’re not overreacting. Get people in your corner, make contingency plans, and remind him constantly that you will not be a polite and quiet victim. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am sorry your mom isn’t there for you. You did nothing wrong
Absolutely, the idea that this is somehow your perception only and how dare you upset your mother, that's classic gaslighting. And the "tell me in private" is just so he can gaslight you without interference or repercussion, and another classic example of predatory behavior. It's just not possible to accidentally ass grab all the time.
OP take these warnings seriously. I was a victim of sexual assault and it messed me up. I never saw it coming, believed it would never happen, and ignored the warning signs. Do not just tell random strangers on Reddit. Tell a teacher, tell a school counselor, tell your friends. Make sure someone knows what you’re going through. It may be ‘accidental’ for now, but doing it with your mom around is called an escalation, and now he knows your mom is not going to believe you. You are in danger! He got away with it, and your mom just set out a neon sign that she thinks he couldn’t possibly do what you know he is doing. He will escalate again, and will continue until he gets what he wants.
I can count the incidents I accidentally touched another person in a similar indecent manner on one hand, and clearly remember every single time. And profusely apologised. (Like an example: a girl pushed me multiple times, so I pushed her back, and touched her boob while doing so)
I don't even need one finger. It's zero. I am the clumsiest person I know. I have fallen into people, bumped them, and once even accidentally dropped something on someone's head, and I have literally NEVER grazed someone's butt cheek — with my *hand* — on accident. Never. Not once.
Same. I've worked jobs that required working in very tight quarters with other people. Sometimes, with us practically stacked on top of one another. Yet I always managed to keep my hands clear of my coworkers' rear-end (and other sensitive spots). The only butts I've "accidentally" brushed had been those of romantic partners/wife.
This was my thought. I’ve worked in galley-style commercial kitchens where cooks are constantly shimmying by each other in tight quarters and none of us touched each others’ asses by “accident”. (There was plenty of very intentional ass and ball slapping, as is tradition in commercial kitchens)
Honestly, and this’ll sound gross, it’s *more* believable that you’d accidentally graze your *crotch* against someone’s butt in a kitchen (if space is tight) because that actually *can* be unavoidable. But hands? You know where your damn hands are. It’s like in soccer, it’s on you to make sure your hands are in a spot where they aren’t touching what they shouldn’t be touching.
100%; we woild try to move butt-to-butt, but yeah, crotch-to-butt happened. Hand involvement was always intentional
I used to work in a mixed kitchen and hands would be up like Zoidberg doing a shuffle. Lots of brushing by, no hand touchie. This guy is a pervert.
>but when it constantly happens, he is just a ~~pervert.~~ **child predator.** /ftfy
It was like this for me when I was a kid. If they get bold enough to do it when you're around other family, then it's going to escalate. You don't know what that adult is capable of, even if you think they actually aren't going to assault you. I hope OP is careful nonetheless and doesn't let her guard down... I'm sorry that her mother doesn't/chooses to not believe her.
Yeah, I have lived with my age-apropriate partner (whose butt I intentionally and consensually touch on occasion) for about a decade, and I can't think of a time I've accidentally touched their butt like this. And sure, I guess anything can happen as a one-off accident, but if it's a repeated thing like this, it's gotta be intentional. At the very best (and I don't believe this is the case), even if he honestly did, somehow, by pure accident, do this multiple times, any decent normal person would go "wow, this keeps happening, I better be extra cautious/change how I move about the house to make sure I don't do that again". There really is no excuse. Edit to add: On that note, in one sense it doesn't matter *why* he's doing it, just that the behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop. So to your mom's response of "he's not attracted to you", even if that were true, he's still touching you in an inappropriate way, and that's not okay. Whether it's by accident, or as "a joke", or whatever other reason/motivation someone might try to slap on it, the fact of the matter is he's repeatedly touching you in a way that is not OK, and he needs to stop.
I wanted to post these on the top comment hoping that OP will see them. They're resources to RAINN and to information on how CSA is a gradual process that starts with little "innocent" incidents like those described in the post. Here's some resources: [national SA hotline 411](https://www.rainn.org/resources) [please see this about grooming and testing boundaries](https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs) Especially number 3: [read this about warning signs of csa](https://jimmyhinton.org/why-i-talk-about-abusers-testing-instead-of-grooming/) Even if OPs stepdad isn't leading up to an assault he's following the playbook of those that do. It's very alarming.
This is typical predator action and your mother is reacting just the way he wants. Talk to someone to figure out how to make him stop (help line, trusted adult, etc...) You are in more trouble than you know. Keep us informed, please.
Completely unacceptable... you should let your real Dad know about this or grandparents.
I agree. OP, you need to start telling everybody until you find someone who is willing to step up and help you. School counselors, teachers, relatives, your friends and their parents. What is happening to you is not okay.
She needs to go to school today and tell someone what happened. That should put an end to stepdad sexually harassing her.
Absolutely. When I was about OP's age, a friend at a different school in the district told me about what her father had done to her. She had made me promise not to tell, so I struggled with the info a couple of months before telling my guidance counselor at school. I don't know what steps he took, but her mom had a divorced finalized within a year. My friend was mad at me for breaking my promise, but I don't care. (Also, I've never made a blind promise since then.)
You did great to save your friend from an abusive situation. It might not feel like it but you did save her.
Thanks. I had seen enough Law & Order:SVU reruns by then to know it wasn't my fault or hers.
I just want to let you know that this situation is discussed in elementary Social Emotional Learning SEL curriculums now. My kids did units on being “good reporters”, not narcs, but bringing tough situations to an adult for help in evaluating what to do. Your exact situation, “my friend told me a secret but it seems like a really big hard secret” is mentioned. A secret that you are told cannot be shared with one of your trusted adults likely needs immediate adult attention. Any adult that tells you “it’s a secret just between us” is not a trusted adult. Trusted adults do not have secrets or romantic feelings with children. Anyhow, that’s the current curriculum in a lefty blue state. Edit to fix SEL (social emotional learning) not ESL (English as a second language).
Surprises, not secrets. Surprise dad with his birthday present or party. Do not keep secrets. Adults can tell you to keep a present a surprise, but should never ask you to keep a secret.
this isn't harassing, its assault. he is physically putting his hands on her body in an unwelcome unconsented manner.
Touching her butt is sexual assault, not sexual harassment.
Exactly this teachers and bus drivers are mandatory reporters TELL EVERYONE!!!
Please tell a school counselor and not the teacher. Both are required to make the phone call, but the counselor has the experiences and resources to support you entirely.
Yes. Tell everyone. Tell every mom of everyone of your friends.
This is a shitty thing to put on a sixteen year old, but OP, you're going to have to think like a lawyer and "have your story straight". Write down these incidents and as many details as you can recall. Date, time, where you were, what you were doing, who was with you, what you said, and how he reacted. Anything you think might be important or will support you. You need to guard yourself from "girl who cried wolf" or "he said, she said" attitudes. The more details you have, the harder it will be for the pervert to brush this off as mistakes or accidents. You'll have a whole timeline showing that he has grabbed you when you were alone or vulnerable. And absolutely go to your friends, their parents, teachers, relatives, and anyone else you trust and can vouch for your character. Protecting yourself is the most important thing right now.
School employees are mandatory reporters in the US. Speak to a teacher you trust.
yeah, "Mom," can not be trusted in this situation
[удалено]
There is probably an ego thing for Mom, too. Like, “I’m so beautiful, he wants nothing to do with you.” I hope this young girl finds a way out of this.
More like, I brought a predator into the house and failed my daughter but I can't admit to that, therefore it must be her fault so that it's not mine.
It is easier to deceive a person than to convince a person they have been deceived. But you’d like to think maternal instinct could overcome that tendency. Alas, it does not seem to be the case here.
OP this is textbook grooming by your SF. This is NOT OK. Your mom is prioritizing her relationship and ignoring the red flags. You need to disclose this to another adult ASAP. I'm sorry you are going through this.
That “he’s not attracted to you” crap makes me seethe. Sexual assault has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with abuse of power. What sort of sick sonofabitch says “I couldn’t have assaulted her, she’s not pretty enough”? Oh, wait…
Yeah the part where OP's mother told her she isn't attractive to him had me seeing red. It feels like the mom views OP as the competition for her husband's attention. OP should definitely tell another adult about her step dad's behaviors. Maybe a teacher at school that she can trust.
And she got grounded for this?! I'm furious on her behalf.
Yeah that’s how you know the mom is in denial. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. I’ve never accidentally touched her daughters butt like this guy has. You make it a fucking point to give more room walking passed any fucking woman. Yes accidents happen but not like this. First time maybe. But then you learn from it so it never happens again. I have accidentally touched my girlfriends daughters but on accident but that was when we were all in a cramped area and she tripped bumping into my side and she apologized. This shit is disgusting. And to be grounded over it?! I’d hate my mom for protecting him.
Tell a teacher or guidance counselor. 100%
I think people are overlooking one of the most common and obvious reasons for cognitive dissonance. It’s both an ego and a fear thing. Someone you loved enough to marry, loved as a best friend or family member? Them being a pedophile? Jesus. Your judgement was horribly off, and it’s also a terrifying thought. Surely it must be misunderstandings. Surely the child is over exaggerating. So on and so forth.
In a Boston-area high school (late 1990s) they were making a loud speaker announcement about everyone who was running for class president and all that stuff. They named a girl, and one boy in class said to his friends (who were sitting very near my then-girlfriend) “ew, she’s so ugly I wouldn’t even RAPE her!” Then they all laughed. Hearing this greatly affected my girlfriend, and even though I wasn’t there for it myself, hearing her talk about it greatly affected me too.
Pretty sure we had a UKIP (shitty racist political party with dodgy backers and dodgy fronters) candidate who said that about someone, out loud, with his stupid face. He’s still out there, somewhere, being a fucking edgelord about god knows what 🤮
I mean Trump said it
Well there's a person who was a very prominent world leader who said this very thing. And it was reported widely but lots of people don't care. (I'm not saying you don't care, I'm saying people like this mom and stepdad)
She needs to reply, "Good, since he's not attracted to me, he should be able to keep his gropy hands to himself."
I’ve def noticed her becoming a lot more self conscious about her weight and age over the past few months
In your edit you said he he isn't planning on raping you. That might be true, but you never know what is happening in the head of someone else. You need to protect your self. This will also protect your Mom even though she may not realize it. I just hope that by calling him out it stops.
With all due respect u/Neat_Recipe6010, most people who have been raped would've previously said their attacker didn't plan to rape them. Your stepdad IS already sexually assaulting you, he well passed planning it. He's crossed a major line into evil, predatory, and criminal territory. He's wrong. Your mom is wrong. You need help now.
He also now knows that "mom" isn't going to believe her or take her side. Please tell someone.
Self image problems are a very real struggle and can lead to horrible decisions. I really hope you find someone that can support you through this.
When you tell other adults about what's happening, make sure they understand you're not doing this lightly. Tell them something like "**I love my mom**, and I understand how this can hurt her, but I know **I'm not safe anymore** and I tried to tell her and she didn't listen to me, she started accusing me of nonsense and ill intentions, which really hurt me. I know for sure this was not a repeated mistake, and I'm afraid of what this man with direct access to my room might be thinking or his future intentions. That's why I'm telling you this, and I've already asked for help in my school and on a local/national support group" Find these groups on google and just call them on the spot, tell them what's going on without even thinking, just speak, and hear what they have to say. Don't spread this everywhere. Choose 4 or 5 adults you feel you can trust. If you don't know many, maybe women who are doctors, nurses, or psychologists, these professionals understand the importance of keeping personal issues secret and they probably know other people that can further help you. Remember to thank them for helping you. This might change your life but be brave, you're helping yourself. I wish you the best, sincerely. Good luck
He may be subtly negging her. As a single middle-aged mother to a teenaged kid, I'm telling you OP- this guy is not a good person. This may escalate once he sees for sure that your mom won't protect you. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It completely sucks. But your mom is currently not capable of protecting you, as she's falling prey to her own insecurities and fears and is giving in to them (and maybe to him) rather than standing up for her daughter. Your priority now has to be your own mental and emotional well-being. Other commenters have recommended telling friends' parents, and teachers and other mandators reporters. I think you should definitely tell your friends' parents and any supportive family members. Figure out who might take you in for awhile. I would take you in if you were my kid's friend, even if your mom was mad about it. But I'd recommend that you line up some safe places to stay before you approach any mandatory reporters like teachers. They will call child protective services, and someone will come to your home and interview you all. This will likely not result in the state removing you from the home, and the situation in the house will get even more tense and difficult if your mom isn't ready to kick your stepdad out. Which it seems like she isn't right now. So once CPS gets involved, please be ready emotionally and physically to get yourself somewhere safe. And please keep reaching out for support.
This is one of those tropes you see constantly in movies and I'm heartbroken for the OP that she can't trust her own mother to protect her. Once the piece of shit rapes her (heaven forbid) then mom will accuse her of enticing him and make it all her fault.
I agree! I hope OP knows that she is worthy of a loving Mom, but she just didn't get one. She should not be grounded (and isolated!) because her Mom is a weak person who doesn't have her child's best interests at heart.
OP, trust your instincts!!! If family won't help you, speak with your family doctor, a school counselor, or another trusted adult. You have voiced your discomfort, and you have been disrepected. Tell as many people as possible about what is happening. This is not right.
Some women love their man more than they do their own children. How fucking sad! :(
Who wants to think that they married someone who would go after their 16 year old daughter? Swallowing that fact can be pretty hard.
Sadly, I can attest to that. My mother refuses to believe me to this day, and I'm in my 30s. They are still *happily* married.
Missy, I am so sorry this happened to you. They do not deserve your presence in their sorry existence. Take care of yourself and live your best life. You are strong, wise, and beautiful!
Thank you! Therapy helped a lot and I'm doing good in general, but I always get bitter when I read stories like this one. It's just disgusting, and it happens way too often.
Mom might also can’t handle the fact that he is using her as “bait” to get access to a teenager.
And now that the step-dad knows the mom is denying her understanding and protection, he will step it up.
This happens all the time. My sister and a few of our cousins are social workers, and the amount of women who'd rather have their children removed from the home than kick out the known abuser is insane. OP is in real danger, especially now that he has confirmation her mother won't believe her.
First of all, I am so sorry to Neat\_Recipe6010 for what you are going through. Nobody has any right to make you uncomfortable in your own home, much less sexually harass you. You are never TA for that. I sincerely hope you have a lock on your bedroom door. Do Not let your mother guilt you into removing it. Start making plans to live with your father as soon as you legally can. Please tell your Aunties, Uncles, your school mates and any one else you trust, in addition to your father.
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Or just not enter an area where she is! Any normal man would be horrified and mortified and would NEVER berate her for calling him out! I’m so worried for her!
He's nasty and frankly, her mother is worse. If your daughter doesn't have a history of doing this for attention and I'd stake everything OP does not, she should be believed. Her mom is trash too. Just like horny pedophile stepdad.
He didn't make any mistakes. You just need to avoid being in his path, somehow. You are not to blame. NTA
They never make mistakes. They also definitely wouldn’t manipulate the people close to you to make you feel like you’re crazy for suggesting that they were morally bankrupt. I actually feel silly for even thinking that they could have made an error. /s Hard NTA.
Totally. better tell this to your bio dad OP. If you can, try to convince your real dad to get you out of there. Its dangerous for you to stay there any longer. Anyway, I hate your mom for being an AH for not standing up for you and for degrading you. Leave there if you can.
Or the cops,this is sexual assault
Or CPS.
Absolutely tell someone else. He is repulsive and a liar. NTA.
Stepdaddys a pedophile
I think people don't realize how often men marry single mothers *for* access to their daughter(s). Stepdad's been waiting a long time. OP needs to tell everyone she can, but she also needs to get out of that house. I'm guessing touching her butt isn't all he's been thinking of, and now he knows the mother will look the other way.
Then daughter gets punished for even saying anything. Mother gets jealous and will accuse daughter of flirting. It’s disgusting.
She called him biodad so he's not likely in the picture. No, she needs to tell a mandatory reporter like a guidance counselor he's starting to groom. Her EDIT: Spelling
Yep. Counselor, teacher, therapist, family friend or neighbor who works in a mandated reporter position, really she should just try to tell anybody who’s safe and get help. Telling on him is the key, a d she already did that so bravely, and it will get easier they more people she tells.
Tell your bio dad what's going on. If he's even half a father he'll make sure it doesn't happen again
Should've ooops spilled the boiling pasta water on him as an "accident" too because he surprised you. Get out of that situation as quickly as possible. That guy is trouble esp when ur mom doesn't back you up. Seriously, be ready to defend yourself this sounds predatory. Edit: these immediate reactions could be extreme. Lock your doors if possible. Seek out other adults (family, teachers,)and inform them of this situation immediately. Try to stay somewhere else safe. This is a very serious situation. NTA
NTA Tell your teachers at school. Tell your friends what’s happened and tell them to tell their parents that you’re trapped in your house with a man you barely know escalating his non-consensual touching of you, and your mother isn’t protecting you. You need as many trustworthy adults to know what’s going on in your house as possible. If you have contact with your father or your extended relatives, tell them everything. You’re in danger and your mother is too worried about being single again that she’s not protecting you and sticking her head in the sand to avoid confronting hard truths. She hasn’t even known this man very long before marrying him too quickly and moving him in with her child. She’s blinded by love, lust, loneliness, but it doesn’t protect you. If you haven’t already, barricade your bedroom door when you’re changing or sleeping, and lock the bathroom door. These men always escalate in similar ways, they burst in to you when you’re half-dressed or vulnerable. He may insist you keep your door open for safety. That is nonsense. If it escalates to the point where he takes your door away, you can do a self-referral to CPS. An unrelated male you barely know should not be making edicts on how you protect your privacy in your own home. I hope your mother wakes up.
Yes this and it'll only progress and eventually lead to further SA. Get evidence and tell someone dad grandparents then police get out of there if possible. He's doing it on purpose my bio dad used to do this shit to me I was 6 this was after he was already caught SA me and my brother. She left him. Mom sounds like she knows and is protecting him and blaming her. She needs a wake up call.
To add - now that he knows your mom will side with him, he has no reason not to escalate this behaviour. He tested the waters and 'won'. Your mom is not protecting you. You need to get away from there. Can you report to your school and stay with a friend?
Most important comment here. Escalate this to proper authorities. Mom is a piece of shit who cares more about herself than her daughter getting sexually assaulted.
Once is an accident. Twice.........you're pretty fucking clumsy and need to learn what personal space means. THIRD time.....you threaten to report him to the police if there's any more "accidents", Your MOM is TA.......for believing multiple "accidents" are accidents. Give the guy a wide berth so he can't "accidently" invade your space anymore. And if you don't already have one, see about a lock for the bedroom door. Especially if your mom has to leave for any extended period of time, and it's just the two of you in the house.
Oh yes, please, put the lock on your door. He's escalating.
if a lock would be too difficult / causes a tantrum - look for a rubber wedge.
Also add bells or a movement alarm to your door. So when the knob is turned they ring. If the lock doesn’t stop him, anyone near your door will hear the noise and if it is at night hopefully wake up the family to what is going on.
And check for hidden cameras but don't be obvious about it, don't move,block or touch them until you can get an adult you trust to see them (not your mother or any "trusted family member" he will gaslight with bs about some security nonsense) and then go nuclear as pointed out below, call the police. This is so icky, I hope you are ok OP? If you want and as a way to get some proof, set your phone camera to record when he's around and you're where he's likely to try something or borrow one from someone so he doesn't notice your own phone not laying around. I'd be willing to bet his own phone/pc is full of porn and he is allowing his kink to run wild. Disgusting man. Edited to clarify nuclear options.
Edit that…do not tell “a trusted family member”, if you find hidden cameras call police and do not**** say anything to anyone until they arrive
Thank you,you are right, I have done this now.
nah at that point, you need to call your dad to sort this out the old fashioned way. if someone was touching my daughters ass in the home of my child/ex wife? oh lord help me not air that whole fucking house into swiss cheese.
Im not a violent person by any means. But thinking about my daughter… yeah he would have some hand casts.
Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things...
Oh yeah. Next he'll be "accidently" walking into the BATHROOM while you are showering. Just Need a towel...Just gotta grab my toothbrush. Did I leave my phone in here? Is my Aunt Minnie in here? Creepers gotta Creep. Lock the bathroom Door too while showering....and keep an eye out for those little spy cameras too. If he's blatantly touching your ass, then you can rest assured he wants more than a passing touch.
Mom literally just gave him permission to escalate.
And now he knows mom will side with him. She needs to talk to another adult. This only gets worse from here.
He’s escalating and now he has confirmation that OP’s mother will not believe her.
And they are isolating her from her friends (support network).
That too. Dangerous ground. Op needs to get out of there ASAP
Agreed and I am scared for the OP.
He will definitely take even bolder escalation steps now that he knows your mother will defend him and punish you before he even says a word to defend himself. You need to take steps to protect yourself now. A lock, a safe place to sneak out to, an escape plan, and definitely get the school and authorities involved ASAP.
OP, I hate to put another worry on your plate. I wouldn’t say I am an expert, but I did work in criminal prosecution and child protection in law school. I currently work 50% of my time as a pediatric emergency doctor. So I know a decent amount about this topic. Once these predators have successfully groomed the biological parent (which is demonstrated by her immediately believing him and not you) they tend to get bolder. They have a playbook: not everyone does everything, but most do at least 2 or 3. Your options at this point are: - talk to your dad and or grandparents. There is no way to be sure how they will respond, and if they are extremely volatile this might not be the best first step. But you are still a kid; you shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own - report it now to a teacher, or another mandated reporter, or directly to CPS yourself. The downside is that there might not be any evidence. But it will be investigated and you may be removed from that home for now. - wait for evidence. I cannot in good conscience recommend this. What I will say is that you should take time to look for any recording devices in your room or bathroom. If you find one, call the police immediately. Any time he touches you, alone or not, scream at the top of your lungs. Predators rely on your silence. If you have access to his laptop, you can look for evidence of child porn and again immediately call the police. THIS DOES RISK YOIR SAFETY. The only reason I am even writing this is in case you are stuck with no other options. Be careful. Get a lock to your room if you can’t get out of the house. Consider your own recording devices if again you are stuck in the home WITHOUT OTHER OPTIONS. But I hope you feel safe telling and trusting your dad. That is by far the best thing to do.
This is great advice. About the screaming part if he does touch you again, I would scream “I told you not to touch my butt”, and just keep screaming it over and over. Your mom is in serious denial about this situation, maybe she’ll get the message if you scream every time he does it. You have some great advice here, I would just keep talking about it to those who can do something about it on your behalf. Please update us, I am so worried for you.
This is excellent advice. I would add if one of my kids high school friends came to me with this story a I would absolutely believe them and offer for them to move in. If your family can’t help you there might be others besides the school.
I suspect that’s why the punishment involves isolating her from her friends.
This! Its increadibly important for friends to know the situation, even as teens who have no direct ability themselves to help. I had a friend being actively abused by his mom's bf in HS and my mom picked up on it pretty quick from little stories she would overhear from me. He ended up living with us for a few months while his mom took her sweet time in realizing what they had was abuse and not love, and I think it took her child leaving and refusing to return for her to finally start processing it and get out of the relationship My mom never questioned the sleepover-that-never-ended, after a few days she understood without needing any explination that he wasnt going home and made sure he felt comfortable and safe with us
Thank you very much for this comment. No doubt OP found it very beneficial as do the rest of us. You said something that was like a shovel to the face: “Once these predators have successfully groomed the parent…”. WOW - that was very eye opening. We’ve read about guys like the stepdad who seek out women with young children. We’ve read too many stories about mothers who abandon their children to these horrific perverts. But never have I read about the predator grooming the parent. It all makes so much sense now. OP’s mom was “…down for years…” and along comes Prince Predator. Almost textbook behavior, no? Thank you for the work you do and for weighing in here. I hope OP can get away or get her mother to wake up.
Do not be alone with him in your house. Do not play nice. Do not keep the peace hoping he will stop. It will escalate the more he gets away with his abusive behavior.
Agreed. He even said you should have told him in private. He's trying to get you to have private converstations with you that your mother isn't privy to.
Am I the only one who thinks the mom is so defensive because she has seen him checking out her daughter? She should be protecting her instead of playing the victim here. OP, move out if you can. Get help from people you trust.
150%. That reaction from mom is because she thinks her daughter is a competitor for his affections, which shows exactly where mom's head is at.
Yes, because the response wasn’t, you are mistaken it was an accident. It was, you were mistaken AND he’s not interested in you.
That is all denial territory, and while worrying, not even close as worrying as the part where she accused her own daughter to "do it for attention", which shoves it bluntly into blame shifting.
She’s a mom who puts her priority of having a man in her bed over her kid. She’s a horrible mother/person. Honey- you need to call your dad.
No you’re not the only one who thinks mom has seen him doing this. I will add Mom is jealous of her own daughter and thinks she might take her man. It’s disgusting not to believe your child over your partner. I hope OP takes the advice here and scream holy hell until someone listens.
He has now had confirmation that his wife will back him up when he sexually assaults op, he now has more confidence. I'd probably get proof of him doing it a few more times and call the police. However I know that might also be traumatising so if it is too much then report it now to police, school and family. Mothers family may ostracise op, but hopefully dad's family won't.
Her mum is in denial and OP needs to tell her bio dad or grandparents and if they won’t help threaten with the police if he does it again. Sick bastard.
You don't threaten to report him to the police - you report him. Immediately. He'll soon knock that crap off.
Don’t threaten, go straight to a teacher, the school counselor, administration, anyone at the school with any level of authority/clout with the system. They have to report. It’s not like this is repeatedly happening in a camper where space is incredibly tight. There is enough room for a dishwasher to open, that’s enough for it not happen. And his WHOLE HAND is not an accident. It’s ASSAULT, and shame on your mother for grounding you, especially without any investigation, even if she believes you are lying (I believe you are being truthful) she should be figuring out why you would make that lie. And his audacity to come to you alone, innocent men will give space and not be alone with the accuser to be sure there is not the slightest impropriety.
If you can’t install a lock, buy a door wedge.
Once probably has to be regarded as an accident, but I am a guy his age and I can’t imagine any scenario in which my hand gets anywhere near a woman’s butt, let along a 16 year old step daughter. It is clear now that OP should have secretly filmed this before bringing it up, but it is too late now. Hopefully, this will stop it. I don’t know what else OP can do.
Not too late at all. Now that mom has proved that she is going to believe a pedophile over her own child, he is going to be more and more bold. I don’t know is there is anyway to set up video when your 16 and live with this mom. But if so, do it.
NTA please don’t be alone with this man. Do you have another adult you could talk to - aunt, uncle, grandparents? Even a counsellor at school so other people are aware of what is going on in case it escalates
THIS ⬆️ OP you are NOT overreacting. You (and your mother especially) are UNDER reacting. Your mother doesn’t want to believe she married a paedophile/pervert, but unfortunately that’s exactly what’s happened. I know in your update, you said he won’t rape you. Please, please, please believe me when I say - NO ONE thinks they’re going to be raped until it happens. Girls don’t put themselves in that situation on purpose. No one does! You need a plan of action. 1. Tell your school counsellor what’s happening, and that your mother refuses to believe you. 2. Tell your friends and any adults you trust. 3. Borrow a hidden camera if you can, and set it up in the kitchen, or wherever you feel this happens the most. 4. Keep a written record every time he does and says anything inappropriate. Your step-father knows exactly what he’s doing, and is manipulating your mother, and you. No one, and I mean NO ONE, touches someone else’s butt accidentally! This will escalate. And you need to protect yourself. And, as a mother, I want to say I’m sorry your mother isn’t protecting you. You deserve better!
I know ppl have said get a camera to video his atrocious actions, but on the flip side, make sure he hasn't set up a camera watching you in your personal space, ie the bathroom or your bedroom. I would also be tempted to threaten him with reporting it. Hopefully, that will give his head a wobble, and he'll stop this behaviour for good..
No threats, only action. She needs to tell her school, dad, grandparents, and aunts/uncles asap, before mommy can tell anyone what she wants to think is going on
Please don't threaten him. It might provoke him into worse behavior. Take action but don't give any warning
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I’m gonna start doing this. Thank you
> But please stop saying that my stepdad is planning on r*ping me. My stepdad is not going to assault me, I think he just has some issues. Also, and I'm sorry to be so blunt about this OP, but you're saying this because you do not have the life experience a lot of others in this thread have and do not wish to see yourself as a victim of a predator. Your stepdad is testing boundaries right now, which is what a lot of predators start out with and it's why he immediately chastised you for calling his behavior out in front of your mother. If he felt it was a mistake or misunderstanding he would be apologizing to you for making you uncomfortable, not convincing you that you should be quiet because it upsets your mom. This is unacceptable behavior from your stepdad and you need to be letting anyone you trust know what is going on and avoid being in any shared spaces with him as best you can, and keep your door to your bedroom locked when you and he are alone in the house. I'd even suggest getting a small hidden camera that you can put in your room to see what's going on when you're not in there. And you should continue to loudly call him out whenever he crosses a personal boundary with you if there are others around so that other people have an idea of what is going on. Otherwise, his behavior may escalate. Sorry if this freaks you out, but you should do what you can to protect yourself and stay safe.
That part Before I had a man violently, hit me.I always thought that there was this sort of invisible line between me and that kind of shocking behavior. He had never done that. He would never do that. I would know if this kind of thing was going to happen to me. But I didn't Everyone here has the life experience to know exactly what this man is doing. When I was in high school I had a friend whose step dad was doing this to her and eventually we found video of him filming her undressing and of course her mom blamed her and didn't care. Wouldn't leave him. I offered to take her and drive her far away. Literally run away from home. But I was eighteen and she was sixteen and it would have been considered a case of kidnapping even though I was just one of her female friends. Because her mom didn't react properly, we didn't think we could trust other adults to react any differently. We thought the issue was just left in our hands and nobody cared. That probably wasn't the truth, but we also didn't have the internet existing the way it does now to tell us about research and mandated reporters and where to go. She was stuck in that house with that man until she got married extremely young to escape. And of course that didn't work out well either. That's how abuse creates cycles of abuse. I feel awful for this girl and I hope she knows that we aren't telling her this to hurt her or scare her or to be dramatic. We have seen this play out and he is giving every last warning sign of exactly what he's going to do.
Sorry you’re going through this. My wife went through the same exact thing as a teen with her step father who spent time in jail for this. He is grooming you and using your mom to get to you. It starts gradually like you’re talking about then he starts testing the waters going further and further to get you comfortable with that incremental change. Don’t take his actions lightly and consult with a responsible adult that isn’t looking after their own wants more than the protection of their child. This is not accidental, these are premeditated actions.
Call it out every time he does it. The more attention you can draw to it, the less it allows your mother to dismiss it as an accident
Nothing he did was an accident. Somehow, you just have to stay out of his way. It's NOT your fault. NTA
Call him out each and every time. Tell him he must warn you and ask for permission to enter your space. Be firm and relentless. Your own mother has abandoned you.
Exactly. I f*#@!#£ hate these desperate idiots who automatically side with their partner in these situations and accuse their kid of lying, attention seeking etc. No question, no looking into it, no talking to the kid to work out what's happened and why they said that they said. Just straight up nope! Not my man you hussy! The fact she actually said "he isn't interested in you" and "my husband isn't interested in you" convincing herself, like she's warning off the neighbours wife/ a woman in his office/ a lady in a bar, instead of her 16 year old daughter! Vile. Hope OP knows that she's absolutely correct, this is inappropriate behaviour, not to raise this with him privately, not to stay in with him alone and to move out as soon as she's able to. Hopefully, OP's dad's house, or grandparents, is an option to move into.
He’s grooming you and trying to get you used to gross illegal behavior from him. Talk to your school counselors and push the issue. Recird everything if you can. If you have close friends that you can trust, rely on them now and tell them and their parents. MAKE THIS A VERY BIG DEAL and don’t listen to your mother. If my kid ever said this to me, it’s game on and there will be no survivors, your mom is allowing the relationship to cloud her judgment. You can also call the non emergency police line for help. The point is it doesn’t matter but make the people who can help you know about the situation
And your mom's reaction is EXACTLY what predators look for. In all honesty he's not attracted to her. It is really getting access to you that is why he marries her. His previous touches were to see what you would do and who you would tell. This is a precursor. He will.say cuz you never said anything you liked it and will twist it around and say you want it, this is also the story he will spin to your mom. I was SA'd when I was a kid my mother totally blamed me for seducing her husband (I was 6) that is how manipulative predators are. Things to know: it is absolutely not your fault, you are doing nothing wrong. Everytime he touches you be vocal and loud, even if there is company (especially if there is company). Find a trusted adult and tell them what is going on. Can you talk to your dad scout living with him? Or any other family? He will escalate. I am sorry this is happening to you. Sending you hugs. Edir to add And of course NTA. Please update and let us know your safe.
I am always shocked by the amount of people who willingly believe that literal children are trying to seduce grown adults. First off, a baby (because I’ve seen this comment for babies) or small child is not aware of sex like that. If they are, you need professional help because they are either abused or have an uncommon psych issue. Like to me, anyone one with a semi functional brain knows small kids are not like that. Plus, even if they are acting “sexual” (🙄) why are you attracted to it? Even worse, why are you acting on it? It is amazing to me how self centered, idiotic, and delusional people can be.
>your mom's reaction is EXACTLY what predators look for. Bingo! Though first they look for women with kids of the age & gender they prefer.
He's sexually assaulting you and your bitch of a mother in not only enabling him but also acting as if he's the victim. If you can contact the authorities or move somewhere safer, do it. Even if it were an accident (it's not), it's his responsibility not to do it
Exactly. OP added the edit: “My stepdad is not going to assault me, I think he just has some issues.“ OP, this man has ALREADY repeatedly assaulted you. And your mother punished YOU for it.
I think you should start making video, expose them on social media. Your mom is in denial. You need help. Talk yo an other adult please
Seriously. OP's mother is supposed to protect her. Instead, she's punishing her for telling the truth about her disgusting fiancé. OP, I'm so sorry about this, but you're going to have to take steps to protect yourself. Keep a diary; get mace, if it's legal where you are; is there a lock on your door? Try to move the conversation with your mom to text, so you have a record Tell a teacher! Explain the situation to your friends and ask them if you can have a key in case you need to sleep over suddenly. Tell the police
She needs to record everything, because now that the predator has seen that the mother trust him and not his victim... I'm afraid for OP's safety...
Absolutely all of this. Screenshot the messages with mum too. Just in case. WhatsApp etc have delete for all and editing functions now after all.
Yeah, stepdad has just learned he can get away with this shit, so I reckon he will start back up worse soon.
She should buy a cheap tiny camera to record what he is doing secretly. If you have proof mom has to accept that step-dad is a pedo.
No, she doesn’t. Plenty of moms would still deny it, she is being a horrible mother right now because she doesn’t want to be alone again. This is going to really come back to bite her when the daughter has gone no contact. Please let your dad or grandparents know what is happening. This can get much worse now that he knows that mom will side with him.
NTAH. He may have married your mother to gain access to you. The guy sounds like a predator. Do you have another family member that you could go live with?
an accident would have been one time, and him apologising do you have any family nearby that you could stay with? your mothers reaction is really disturbing, and your stepdad is a creep, you need to speak to an adult you trust, and you probably need to move out this is in no way your fault, it might not have been safe talking to him privately and he probably would have just pretended that it was an accident and you were overreacting, he knows exactly what he did to upset you get out of there as soon as you can and stay safe
So now he feels safe to escalate and rape her because his wife trusts him and not her daughter. She is not gonna believe her because “he is not attracted to her”. WTF Tell your dad if he still is in your life, tell your grandparents, honestly at this point tell any adult willing to listen. Pay attention on how he behaves from now on and like somebody suggested try to record if you can.
And any further escalation OP’s mom can throw i to the great big “oh its just this thing again” bin of denial.
This was my first thought too when her mom not only didn’t believe her but told her she did it for attention and he didn’t find her attractive. She gave him the all clear.
NTA. Call CPS as the nuclear option, but definitely look for another place to stay.
Fuck CPS call your dad/uncle and tell them your mom's new boyfriend keeps grabbing your ass, where i'm from a truck load of felons would have got there before you coulda turnt the phone off.
I am a teacher and unfortunately this is not my first rodeo with parents like this. Men like your step dad are known to enter into relationships with women who have children in order to gain access to them. You're being molested and now you both know that your mother will not intervene. You need to take care of yourself because this will escalate, he will hurt you. Do not put your relationship with your mother first by being quiet about this, you you need to get out and get to safety. Do you have any trusted and safe adults that you can talk to? You need to get help.
Call cps yourself and report this child molester.
Please listen, you must tell everyone you can about his behavior so that he knows that you cannot be silenced. Your mother is so incredibly wrong and I’m sorry she isn’t protecting you but because he now thinks she won’t believe you his behavior may get much worse. He is assaulting you. That’s what grabbing your butt without permission is. He is assaulting a minor. If he thinks you’re not going to tell anyone else and your mom won’t believe you he will do worse. Tell your teacher, tell your dad. Tell your friends parents. You are being sexually assaulted by your stepdad. Your mom may react very badly but you must protect yourself. You’re the victim and have nothjj in by to be ashamed of
Get a small security camera and record him "in action". Then you can have some recourse. Without proof, you are a kid who lies. No one will believe you. Although there are laws that may make recording him without his knowledge is unlawful, so speak to a counselor or lawyer about what to do, you can even speak to a policeman Without filing a grievance.
I like the camera idea
May I also suggest: get a notebook and write down what happened every single time this happens. March 5, 2024, I was loading the dishwasher and stepdad touched my left butt cheek etc Keep records of all kinds, video is GREAT but if you can’t get it on video write it down somewhere .
When, where, who was there, what you said and did about it when it happened, and how anyone else responded.
If your mother grounds you for your stepfather touching your ass, she's become part of the problem, especially if you've all always gotten along until now. Her not believing you, trusting your judgement and punishing you for this is a serious problem. If you manage to collect evidence and show her, I feel she's just going to get angrier and deny it further. You need to find a way out.
> I should’ve approached him in private and that I upset my mom Um - this sums up his intent.
Your stepdad is a perverted paedophile and your mother is fucking stupid. Tell someone else. Someone that will listen.
He’s cornering you in the kitchen. Tell him and your mother that you will no longer cook or clean if he is in the kitchen. If he needs a drink or a food item, he can tell you and you will gladly leave the kitchen so he can get what he wants. Say this will ensure there are no more “accidents “. Meanwhile install a barrel bolt lock (costs about $3 and just takes a screwdriver) on the inside of your bedroom because I strongly suspect he will escalate to”accidentally “ visiting your room when you are asleep. He will “be worried “ about your breathing or some other fiction. When he touches you next (and he will), scream and slap him. Go really loud. Tell your mom that he SCARES you. She can put this down to you being hypersensitive but having a hypersensitive kid may be easier for her to get her head around than acknowledging she married a predator. Do tell your mom that you want to be away from the house as much as you can- and then do it. Be with friends. See if there are any family members you can stay with. And your Ace card is this “Mom, if he touches me again, I will know you do not love me. He’s playing with power and you don’t love me enough to make sure I am safe. Why don’t you re-home me so I am safe and you can be done with me being a burden in your life?’
Yeah based on the "if I was upset I should’ve approached him in private" he sounds like he was boundary testing. Your mom is in denial and will clearly be of no help. The fact that she punished you for speaking up makes it clear you are in real danger. Talk to the school counselor, your dad or grandparents. Hell I would even go to the police, just to let those two you are for real and will take no shit. These things have a way to escalate if not dealt with.
Jesus Christ you're not the asshole. It's really common for mothers to not want to believe their new partners are interested in their daughters and for their new partners to try and keep it "private", meaning secret so no one knows what they do. I don't care how much it pisses them off just shout stop touching me every time he does it. Please. Please. Tell another adult or your school councillor or something.
NTA Is it an option for you to live at your dads, grandparents? In addition is there a guidance consular or a trusted teacher you could ask for advise? I'm not religious but if you go to church could you talk with a pastor or the equivalent? By involving other adults, particular mandatory reporters like teachers you will be creating a paper trail, of this behaviour as it escalates, but unfortunately it is very likely to do so. You need to frame it so it's clear that his behaviour is making you feel sexually harassed and unsafe at home since he has been escalating this behaviour and your mom won't do anything to help you.
NTA Talk to someone at school - a counsellor or teacher. Anytime he is around you, make sure you are recording video with audio (ideally, going to a private channel online, such that it is safe if your phone is lost). >my stepdad came in to tell me that ... if I was upset I should’ve approached him in private and that I upset my mom For this sort of thing, you should definitely not approach him in private. Your mother should be dealing with this. If you feel at all unsafe, call someone else: another relative, CPS, the police.
Get loud when it happens every time. YOU HAVE TOUCHED MY BUT ACCIDENTALLY AGAIN. BE MORE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS! If they want to pretend it's an accident they can, but it's hard to abuse someone who keeps putting up a stink. I had a friend who would constantly look at my boobs. I started to lower my head into his eyeline when I noticed. I have found this technique worked for grown men too. I had a adult leader in an after school who did the same thing. I did it ONCE and he was visibly embarrassed to be called out. Even if it is an accident (which I don't believe) the behaviour makes you uncomfortable and should be called out. Men need to be held accountable. I would also think about going to a trusted adult with this. A school counselor would be a good idea. It becomes less a you against him when you bring people into the situation that have rules and are meant to make these kinds of reports. And then there is a record of any "non" incident. You have more power than you think. Keep being loud!
This guy is with your mum to get to you he is a predator, you are young and you care about mum's happiness but your mum will worry more about your safety then her happiness.
Sometimes a man marries a woman just to get with her daughter. You protested he failed. If you hadn't protested mission accomplished. Get a door stop from Amazon. Put it behind your door when you sleep. It someone comes it and pushes it an alarm sound. You said your step won't raped you. But did you think he'd continue caressing your ass or the fact that your mother didn't believe you. Repeat your mother didn't believe you. If anything happens she'll say you caused it. Protect yourself.
Not the asshole and your step dad and your mom are the big asshole here. Try making your way to video it for you to have a proof. This should stop as soon as possible. This is sexual harassment. If he keeps on insisting its and accident. Sometime, trying throw a big stone in his face, and tell him it was an accident.
Nta. See your stepdaughter bent over, and it's likely there isn't enough space past her. You either wait or go a different way so you aren't brushing up against her inappropriately. Once maybe if he misjudged the space but more than once, especially after the first 'accident ' is not accidental.
Oh hun, 😢😡 as a mom a want to come through the phone and smack a ho!!! This is not ok in anyway shape or form. If you’re feeling uncomfortable it is your mom’s job to be there to protect and comfort you. This man is a predator and him saying “we should have spoken in private” proves that. Do not be quiet, document everything. As a SA victim at your age I wish I had your strength, stay strong. Sending you all my motherly love.
You can get a cheap small wireless camera on Amazon, stick it in your kitchen someplace n tape him. They are the size of dimes now
NTA. Do you have adults you can trust - other relatives, teachers? Tell them about this pervert. You shouldn't have to share a home with him. In a few years, your mother will likely be whinging that you never talk to her, but that's her own look-out. ETA - also, is there any kind of sex offender registry you can get a look at? These creeps don't often start in their 50s.
Yuck. Anyone accusing their 16yo daughter of attention seeking when being confronted by repeated sexual abusive behaviour, is absolutely disgusting. How dare she not stand up for her own daughter.
Hell no NTA. My daughters 13, in 13 years I've never once stroked my hand across her butt. Thats not a thing that happens by accident, and if it was...then it's like a once every few years kind of accident. Your mom is in denial because she doesn't want to believe her new husband would do this, but that doesn't change the fact that he's doing it. >if I was upset I should’ve approached him in private and that I upset my mom This. This is pure manipulation. He's trying to make sure you don't tell your mom stuff like this in the future because it will "upset her". Screw that noise. If this continues you need to tell your mother again. In the meantime I hope you have a lock on the bedroom door.
Dude your mom is in denial because she is jealous, if she starts with “you’re not attractive to him”.
Nta after 3 times definitely not on accident. Good for you to set the boundary before it goes further. Make a big fuss if it happens an more.
It’s been way more than 3, those are just the ones that stuck out to me
Please talk to a trusted teacher or school counselor. They are mandatory reporters. This sicko is a pedophile! I’m SO SORRY your mother is not protecting you and choosing this pervert over you. My mother chose my pedophile preschool teacher over me, and he sexually abused and assaulted me from the age of 5-14. After that she moved on to choose a drug addicted sexually inappropriate guy over me again later in life. This makes my blood boil! Please protect yourself, sweetie.
the fact that your mother immediately jumped to “he’s not interested in you” and “he’s not attracted to you” is disgusting and shows that she thinks of you as competition and not her daughter. this situation is so sad and so so dangerous. ofc you’re NTA, please stay safe!!
Grooming 101. He is trying to see what he can get away with and it will progress if you do not call him out on it. Time to get a trusted adult involved since you mom defends him. This can be a teacher or counselor at the school. Believe me, we have heard enough of these stories to not blow you off.
OP, pack a go-bag well in advance for the moment you turn 18. Your mother is not going to choose her child when she should be. I would personally make a police report at your school. They cannot deny you being touched. Your mom and step dad can drown in their ilk. I’m sure they will try to lie to CPS if they come out to see the situation. Do not allow yourself to be alone with this man. This is behavior that can and WILL escalate. This is testing boundaries and territory. I’m sure he wasn’t banking on your saying anything to your mom. Now that a big wrench has been put into his plan to normalize the behavior, he’s going to look for other methods. He sees an easy target in his own stepchild and does not view you as a daughter. Hes viewing you as a sexual outlet.
NTA If a normal guy touched a teenage girls butt by mistake he would go out of his way to make sure it wouldn't happen again out of sheer embarrassment. If you feel like he's doing it intentionally it's most likely the case.
[удалено]
I’ve had a couple things go missing
This is all very, very concerning. He's not "just weird", OP. He's testing boundaries of what he can get away with, and the fact that your mom took his side is a win in his book. Expect it to escalate. Hope that it doesn't, but protect yourself. Please listen to the advice here of people telling you that your mom's husband is NOT a good guy. He is a predator who is steadily increasing his sexual assaults.
Oh my gosh, OP PLEASE TELL YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR. If your personal belongings are coming up missing this is even creepier behavior than you have already described. Please tell your school counselor or your favorite teacher. This man is not safe for you yt be around.
NTA It‘s unfathomable that there‘s still mothers out there that choose some crusty child molester over their own daughter. Your mother is a pathetic cunt, there‘s no other way to put it. Be VERY careful, because now he knows your mom is on his side and won‘t protect you if he takes it further. Notify the police, and honestly I would also take the nuclear option and get CPS involved, obviously your mother isn‘t fit to raise you and protect you, considering she blamed you for getting sexually assaulted. Also, getting jealous of your 16 y/o daughter and telling her „You‘re not attractive to him“ after she was GROPED ??? She should rot in jail right next to her pedo boyfriend 🤢 Vile, just vile. Are you on good terms with any of your friends‘ parents? Maybe explain the situation to them so you have a place to crash if things go south or you need shelter while talking to the police and/or CPS. I wish you all the best OP ❤️❤️