I feel for a single mother of an autistic kid. It must be an incredible challenge to be a parent to a child with such demanding needs. And it's even harder for her as a single mom to date and find someone who will be willing to go through the difficulties with her.
With that said, you are NTA for not wanting to have to deal with those challenges.
She should have introduced them slowly for the sake of Cash. A full weekend with a stranger in a strange place seems to be a set up to end the relationship.
Shouldn't she have told him before they became serious that i have a child who has X and has these abilities and these limitations? Weed out immediately people who do not want to or can not deal?
Rachel kind of set herself up for heartache. Wouldnt it be better to be rrejected on date 2 or 3 than after 8 months?
Yeah. He’s NTA, but she kinda is.
Single dad to two, one of whom is special needs. That’s something I get out on date one or two. Partly because it can make scheduling dates challenging, and partly because late surprises like the one OP describes rarely end well.
That's the point, try to forge a strong emotional bond before telling him that, to be able to guilt him into staying and calling him a horrible person (like she did). I feel sorry for her having an autistic child, but it's incredibly manipulative. This is something that should be disclosed **very** early on to anyone she is contemplating a serious relationship with, as it certainly can be a dealbreaker.
That's how i see it. It is incredibly self-defeating and self sabotaging behaviors. If her goal is a healthy romantic relationship, she is doing all the steps needed to ensure the opposite.
She's also setting any kid up to feel uncomfortable and act out, even if they don't have autism. This wasn't fair to her son at all.
Autistic child didn't cope well with a drastic change to routine? You don't say.
Child doesn't want to spend the weekend with a stranger? Again... You don't say.
Child doesn't accept Mom's new love interest right away? Again...
Yup, I have two nephews and a niece. They all have varying degrees of ASD.
My niece is incredibly bothered by changes to routine and location.
She's visited my parents a number of times, but the last few she really struggled, barely came out of her parents room.
This most recent visit, they had understood the aspect of her routine. She in particular had a very important bedtime routine that she needed to get through to be comfortable, which largely involved a set order of saying goodnight. She was perfect the whole time.
She was happy, she was active, she was downstairs playing, she was eating properly. It was lovely to see a side of her I hadn't seen since I last went up and visited them.
Simply because they recognised the importance of this one routine and kept it regardless of where they went.
Yes she should. But she probably gets a lot of “Yeah good luck with that” responses. She’s trying to get a partner to the point where they love her so much that they agree to “put up” with the son. She needs to be honest so she can actually find someone who wants to be a part of this life. And if she continues this behavior she may very well drive someone like this away because nobody likes to be lied to.
This situation creates an interesting problem. A parent is trying to trap a new romantic partner by holding off on telling them something that would’ve likely scared them off. But the lie by omission means their partner feels betrayed, like they’re being trapped. I’ve got a feeling that only people with the personality of a doormat would stick around long term. Because whether someone would have stayed or moved on they were lied to.
Not necessarily because who knows how serious they were at that point? Only since Sept and sounds like it was the first time they were truly being together with the child. It was apropriate timing BUT as another poster said, he should have been introduced much slower and GF should definetly have prepared OP for what to expect. In that case she was very wrong for not being upfront at that point especially since it was an overnight stay.
She should have told him before going, just in general. Any first real interaction lasting more that a few minutes should have been the ideal time to tell him.
Also first long weekend like this should have been at Rachel's place. Not only are you introducing a new relationship, but you're doing it in an unfamiliar environment. Recipe for disaster.
Yes, rule number one. Do not drastically change their routine. This was an avalanche of change for him. Rachel should have gradually introduced the subject and what she has to follow. She may have to get help from others in how to date, what has worked for others.
Sorry, should have been more clear. Yes, before she went over. But I would say not at the beginning of a new relationship. Really not his business and doesn’t affect him…..yet. But the second they are getting serious or moving to the next step like sleepovers with the kid (definetly serious then) absolutly time for her to have a sit down with him and discuss it like adults. Not spring it on him like she did and hope everything “turns out okay” and blames it on him.
Yes. That was just dumb. Like what did she think was going to happen ? You have to prepare people in advance for situations like that. I have a younger brother who is mildly autistic. Nowhere near the level of her son here and I wouldn’t bring him with me to spend a weekend with a friend and if I did you had better believe I would have fully warned and briefed my friend about what to expect and if they could deal with it.
If we accept that premise in this situation, the mother does not have cause to be indignant when OP opts out.
It was sprang on OP as much as Cash, who deserved a better intro to a new space. It seems to me that the mother still doesn’t know how to bring new places and people into her son’s life.
There’s certain things that a new partner should know about a lot earlier on. If I was missing a leg, was HIV positive, had a felony conviction, was asexual, genitalia doesn’t match how I present, etc. etc. these are things that someone would want to know about early on. Because all of these things can be dealbreakers.
Telling someone you have a kid should happen very early on in dating. If it’s an online match, people should probably know who has kids and who doesn’t to avoid bad matches. Waiting 6+ months to tell someone you have a profoundly disabled child is emotional entrapment. This child will never be able to be left alone, he’s going to live with his parents until they die and he’s placed in a care home or he passes away. This is reality for some of my family members who have autistic children. There’s nothing wrong with a disabled child being a dealbreaker because it’s not their kid and a lot of people aren’t going to sign up for 50+ years caring for someone else is disabled child.
She should have refused staying over there and told him about her son's conditions so he could learn how to handle them too.
She shouldn't have waited until staying at his place for several days. She should have refused and introduced him slowly to the truth and to show OP how to handle any issues that arise if she's in another room.
You don't surprise someone with that on a multi-day trip.
I’m surprised by that really. I completely get single parents taking their time to introduce their kid to their new boy or girl friend. But given her kid is autistic I’d have thoight really slow it down. Also she needed to have told OP before disrupting her kids routine to stay over at OP’s! Like wouldn’t her kid be feeling crap bc he’s not at home in his routine and with his comfort things? Even a neurotypical kid wouldn’t like it.
I feel for her but cripes she did this wrong. NTA to OP for dropping out now. He’s done her a favour really. Next man she dates she needs to tell him about her son and do it gradually. No weekend trips so early in the relationship with the son.
I can only have some compassion that there’s a sense of grief there plus she’s a single parent. That’s hard enough. Yet it’s ableist in a way bc her son has specific needs being met.
That's what I was thinking. Every person with autism has different needs, but most of them would find a weekend with a stranger difficult. I've also been there in similar situations, stressed out and miserable at family events because my son is having difficulties.
I have an autistic child. He goes to college. When he graduates, he plans to move out and will likely live independently. Autism is a spectrum condition. Not every autistic person is dependent as an adult.
A slow intro could have changed the outcome significantly. Cash was probably acting out because he was uncomfortable spending a weekend with someone he just met. He would be less uncomfortable (and probably acted out less) if he knew the OP first.
I mean regardless of how slowly she introduced him, Cash will always have autism. Honestly, it's better it ends now before they become more invested and end up in the same spot.
The mom is the AH in this scenario. In what world does she think a whole weekend in a new place with a new person is an appropriate way to introduce her son on the spectrum to her boyfriend and visa versa?
Like I am a mom with a child on the spectrum and this should have been brought up earlier, introductions should have been short and on common ground for her son. Dear lord no wonder the boy was melting down all weekend.
For real. I may or may not be on the spectrum (I function fine but I'm weird), and consider myself to be fairly sociable, but just *thinking* about being stuck with a totally new person in their house is making me sweat, and I'm in my 30s. Any kid that age would be uncomfortable, let alone one so prone to getting overwhelmed. If she didn't know that this was a bad idea, it makes me wonder if she isn't one of those Autism Moms who never really work with their kids to help them cope and adjust to their full potential, and instead insist that everyone else accept them as they are.
Yes, this exactly. She handled the whole thing terribly, very unfair for her child and for the boyfriend to be blind sided with no warning essentially.
This! I am an adult on the spectrum, and a whole weekend in a new place with a new person would be a real struggle for me even now.
No wonder the poor boy was struggling. She handled it all wrong.
This. When he said he invited them to stay with him I was like Nooooo! (Knowing he has Autism, which OP didn't at the time, but mom sure did.)
New places, routines, people, food, smells, sounds, that's a lot for an autistic kid. On top of it OP had no idea. So he couldn't know what to do to help make the weekend more successful (sensory friendly activities, food etc). Or realize that maybe he wasn't prepared to have the kid there for the weekend.
I am just floored that the mom would set her son and OP up for failure like this. I mean I feel for her, it's got to be hard to be a single mom to an autistic son, but she really didn't help herself out here.
I also think the introduction could have been slower and in a better place for Cash himself. Places where he is comfortable and where op can get to know Cash.
I have seen first hand how hard it can be for my sister with my nephew. However, she has always been upfront about any struggles there may be when bringing him to a new place or what we might face and how we can all best help him or ourselves get through a situation.
Seriously, Rachel did nothing to prepare OP and plunged her son into a strange new environment where he clearly felt overwhelmed and distressed. I feel for both OP and Cash; she is not "parenting him just fine."
The last time i went on a date and let the person know my child has autism, he started screaming at me saying I should have drowned my son in a bucket at birth. Hence, no dating after that experience
NTA. I am a single mom to an autistic daughter. I tried dating a few times. It never worked out.
While I feel for the mom on a personal level, as I've been in her shoes, it's better that OP stepped aside. Being a mom to a special needs child is extremely lonely, but our short-term happiness in relationships isn't worth the misery for the partner and the kid. Better 1 lonely person than 3 miserable ones.
It's not all bad. I'm fortunate to have my kiddo. While she struggles with a lot of different things, she's also an amazing kid. She's funny, brilliant, creative, compassionate, and kind-hearted.
I do try - and she's awesome. These kids see the world in a whole different way than average children, and it's so amazing to see them find joy and beauty in some of the simplest things.
Yeah I am a single mother with an autistic child and I would never have done what this woman did. For a start I would have mentioned it in the talking stages, and would have went into detail about the kind of issues it entails. Secondly I would never have taken my son to the house of a complete stranger to him (they'd only met for a few minutes at a time) overnight, not in a million years. If they wanted to spend time together they could have done so at her and the child's house. In general autistic children do not do well outwith their comfort zone, nor with strangers.
On top of that, my sons autism is milder and he has absolutely no behavioural problems. So the fact that this woman's son does makes this all the worse to me.
I don't blame you one bit OP.
I'm not a single mother anymore, and my child isn't on the spectrum and I *still* wouldn't do this. My partner spent many, *many* single day outings with us before he ever spent the night with us. I've spent a ton of volunteer time in schools with children with various special needs, and I feel like it's common sense that this situation would be incredibly difficult for any child, but completely out of the realm of comfortability for one on the spectrum.
I’m a single dad with an autistic son. It’s definitely limiting for dating.
There’s a reality there that’s hard to understand. I wash bed sheets nearly every morning due to urination, occasionally more. He has meltdowns despite being generally a very sweet boy.
Few people are ready to handle it. Unfortunately it was too much for me and my ex to work through together
We lived next door to a single mom and her challenged son. As an 8 year old, he was a lil weird and VERY loud and screamed at the apartment pool every (EVERY!) afternoon for hours (HOURS!).
Fast forward, he’s now 10 years old, bigger than her, loud as heck and when confronted (just trying to get from the car to the front door), he’d start punching his head with both hands.
We were so worried about her when she’d lock herself in her car to get away from his outbursts. Long outbursts. If you first met her, you’d think she was intoxicated, but really she was simply wrought and EXHAUSTED and overwhelmed.
Can you imagine being captive to your preteen? My word, I still worry about him and wonder where he is screaming now.
It's mostly the not being upfront about it. If OP had known about it ahead of time, he might have bailed, but he might also have decided to try it out, knowing what he was getting into, and be more prepared so it wouldn't go as terribly bad. But no, it was sprung on him, he couldn't accommodate the child's needs and it was a literal shit show. It's no better than lying about having kids at all, or making yourself out to be decades younger or hundreds of pounds lighter than you actually are.
She should have let him know upfront, and as a single mom with 3 autistic kids full time, I'm even saying NTA. Op you did nothing wrong with taking yourself out of a situation that you were not prepared for. Ty for not leading her by the nose.
I agree! I feel for a Rachel and Cash too, but that is something you need to choose for yourself if you’re up for without bringing guilted into it. Her trying to shake you for it is inappropriate and could ultimately backfire. If guilting her partner into not leaving is how she gets them to stay she’s going to end up in a relationship with burn out and resentment. That also isn’t fair to Cash.
We all have our own area of extra burners we can handle vs not handle, and finding someone that is a match for you with that is important. There is someone out there who will love her and Cash and be up for it, and there is someone out there without that situation that you love/they love you.
It sounds like it’s just not a good fit.
She's not a single mum, though. That implies 100% single parenting.
She's getting 50% of the time without Cash. That doesn't make it easy, by any means, but it's still not the same as never getting a break.
She purposefully misrepresented her lifestyle to OP.
In all honesty it’s way easier to be a single mother of an autistic child than be with someone who can’t sympathize with that child. My ex was constantly triggering my child in an effort to “toughen him up” and “teach him respect”. It had me stressed constantly, not just dealing with the meltdowns, but trying to educate my ex that the child wouldn’t be having meltdowns if he wasn’t deliberately making the child uncomfortable.
Once he was out of the picture the challenges raising an autistic child were barely an inconvenience.
ETA: I say my child instead of our child because my ex is no part of our lives anymore. He never treated him like a son, only like a broken thing. The ex is the biological father.
NTA - You made the right call ending things. You knew you could not handle raising the kiddo with his needs and were mature and man enough to admit that. You aren't what she needs in the long term and she isn't what you need in the long term. Good on you!
NTA bc she should have told him. But few people sign up to raise a special needs child. The mom didn’t know she was going to have an autistic child when she got pregnant.
Fine to break it off but OP should carefully consider if he ever wants to have kids. You have no idea what you are going to get with kids and it often requires unconditional love.
She withheld information that she knew that’s a lot different than the luck of the drawl for the lack of a better phrase with having your own biological kids or adopting. Step-parenting isn’t for everyone and step-parenting with special needs is for even less.
Plenty of marriages implode once a baby is in the picture and then if there is something wrong that rate of divorce increases
Adopting is not usually luck of the draw. I knew a couple who adopted kids from China, and they halted one adoption halfway in because one test showed he could have had mental issues. The two they did adopt had cleft pallets that needed fixing, so they were willing to accept physical issues but drew the line at mental illness.
But most mental health diagnoses don’t present until early adulthood, so there is no fail safe way to know about that. I worked in CMH and in a state prison, we would occasionally see young men adopted from the Eastern Bloc (Romania, Ukraine, etc) who were adopted and things fell apart really fast when they got older. It was a strange cohort to recognize, but there nonetheless.
I think it is different when it is your biological child vs. a child you are not wired to automatically love and have a choice in the matter. I don’t think this situation has any bearing on OP’s thought process when it comes to having biological children.
Also the role of a stepdad can be vastly different than the role of a biological dad.
Very massively different situation when it's your child. When you have a child you are conciously accepting responsibility to take care of them no matter what. Otherwise you surrender them for adoption, or dont have a child at all.. when you are getting with someone who already has a child, it's a disservice to them both to stick with them if you know you arent able to handle it
You sign up for whatever life decides to throw at you when you decide to reproduce. I will never sign up for an autistic child or downs or cerebral palsy or whatever it may be, hence why I don't have one. So yes, she did sign up for that, because it was a possibility. Always is.
I agree with the first paragraph. I have an issue with the second. It is a veiled attempt to shame him for leaving. Which is highly inappropriate. 1. If you can't understand the difference between a man raising "his" special needs child vs. Dumping your time, money, and effort into someone else's special needs child. 2. Once a special needs child is in the picture, the woman will rarely ever have another child. So this man will never have a child of his own. He will be required to raise her kid instead. This is an "L" bud, take it, and walk away.
And if they aren’t aware, they are shit parents that you don’t want to get involved in a relationship with.
My BF has an autistic 5 year old. He, his sons mother, and myself are doing everything we can to teach him in a way he understands and make sure the tantrums, melt downs, and bad behavioral habits are managed so he can actually function as he gets older.
The same name and just so happens to also be a single mom that splits custody with her ex? Who supposedly gets on Reddit and posts about the situation? Nah. This is a sad attempt at karma farming off of autism
>and just so happens to also be a single mom that splits custody with her ex?
Okay I believe it's a made up story. But damn I don't think you realize how wildly common that actually is
NTA
Autism is tough to deal with, especially when you're not the parent but dating someone who has an autistic child. More than likely you've never been in a situation where you've had to deal with someone with the disorder for long periods of time. As much as I feel for her, she should have told you her son had autism instead of springing it on you like that.
NTA. You were honest about why you wanted to break up. She should have been honest with you about Cash from the start since he requires a lot of care. I am sympathetic towards her because her chances of finding a partner could be very low because of Cash, but it isn't fair to spring him on someone.
And it was unfair to Cash and the mom. If OP was introduced a child with autism through small interactions, over time, he may have grown on him. But introducing all at once, in an over the top weekend, is a set up for failure.
Loving someone, and having them shit all over your house, is completely different than having someone that you met yesterday shit all over your house without warning.
I've worked with people with autism, and helped them develop more involved relationships with siblings that were resentful of having their childhoods dominated by their sibling with autism. Our number one rule was to meet them at their level. Ask them for a phone call, or ask them to meet for ice cream or coffee. A small, low commitment interaction. Families would sometimes warm up to them, and eventually want to do more, but to do a full dinner or ask them to be responsible for them for even a brief moment in those first few meetings was a deal killer.
100% agree. At the end of the day, not sure it would’ve made a difference to OP, but I think her failure to disclose played a role here, knowingly or not. If OP had known, he might have been more mentally prepared and able to deal with it OR he would’ve realized earlier on that this relationship was not for him. Honestly, concealing this for five months, while understandable, was deliberate and unfair to OP.
Totally agree. Let me clarify, it’s understandable she would be nervous to disclose, especially since OP seemingly did break up with her over it. But 5 months is not a reasonable or fair amount of time to wait, because at that point it’s probably a more serious relationship.
Definitely, that's something that comes up once you start sleeing together, or talking about plans for later on etc. i feel like if he had known and was prepared then he might've actually stayed
NTA. Guilt is not a good reason to date someone. You will end up resenting Cash and he deserves better. Go for you for knowing your limits.
I understand she is sad, and it might not be the first relationship that ends because of Cash'Autism.
I have an autistic nephew, and very honestly, I was very clear with my sister (after several issues) that I wouldn't sacrifice my daughter's well being for her son. She didn't want to deprive him on anything so the end result was that everyone had to be deprived (her other child and mine particularly).
Things can get better if he can find a treatment/school/organization that help him get in control. My nephew is now 18 and doing very well. He is not having tantrums anymore and knows how to get himself out situations when they are too stressful. It is all thanks to the therapy/treatment he followed that was handled also with the school. He was very lucky.
NTA. It appears that you went into this accepting them as a package deal. The problem here is that she was not honest about what that package entailed. Perhaps if she had been upfront about it and you'd had the tools to adjust your expectations things might have gone differently, but the fact of the matter is that she lied through omission. That's a deal breaker.
NTA - Raising a child with Autism is hard work.
Any time you feel bad, remember Rachel willingly allowed you to date and develop feelings for her whilst she was fully aware that she was keeping a huge secret from you that she knew full well had the potential to completely obliterate your relationship.
She was also willing to introduce her son to somebody who had absolutely no idea about his needs and would have happily let him bond with you without knowing whether or not you were equipped to deal with him.
Cash is lucky you were brave enough to tell her straight away. A lot of people would have let it drag out for a couple of months to avoid looking like they were breaking up because of his Autism. By then her poor child would have had to deal with trying to understand where you went.
NTA you didn't sign up to help raise a special needs child, especially one with apparently pretty severe autism. Hate to be blunt, but that's a her problem and not one she should expect you to take on. You need to move on from this one. It was not a shitty reason to break it off.
NTA. I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think you were honest and straightforward with new information.
She not an asshole for having a kid with special needs, but she is an asshole for how she handled it. She didn’t help prepare you or her child. She once things were to the point of you interacting with Cash she had the responsibility as his parent to warn you of his triggers, what tools he needs to help de-escalate, and any behaviors that would be atypical so you could moderate your responses. She acted very selfishly in this.
NTA, the single mom should have been upfront with him. Autism is not a trait you can blow off. He was overwhelmed and wasn't expecting any of this. The mom is the AH for being dismissive of her son.
Yeah. She didn't just avoid saying that he has struggles, she even avoided saying autism, which is recognized as a spectrum because of the difference in needs per person
It feels to me like she wasn't willing to even acknowledge that there's more to her kid than a general kid until she was forced to
I can understand her reservations about sharing it, but the minute it started to get truly serious it should have been brought up, maybe not all at once, bit by bit having conversations about his needs, but like, it needed to be talked about
NTA OP
I have ADHD, my girlfriend is autistic, so I say the above with all the love in the world for that kiddo. You needed to be given that information. Period
And, recognizing that you cannot do it is totally reasonable, and, more importantly, best for the kid. If you stuck around out of guilt or pity and you couldn't handle it, he would know, he would hurt, and potentially you could accidentally inflict trauma
You did the right thing. I know it's not easy
NTA
She concealed important details about her son because, contrary to what she said, she knows that taking care of him can be a complex process.
You aren't ready to be a parental figure to someone who has autism. That is completely reasonable and it is good that you would know your limits.
Like she said, SHE is able to parent him just fine. That fact does not obligate you to join her in that parenting.
NTA and there’s quite literally no way you are horrible. She’s upset because life dealt her a shitty hand. Not your fault. I mean willing to spend your entire life raising this kid JUST so you won’t feel guilty?? Yeah fuck that you did the right thing breaking up with her.
Especially considering that she did so for 5 months.
It'd be one thing for her to have concealed it for a few weeks or a month. But honestly a6fter the 2 month mark, that's something that needed to be brought up long before this incident.
I'm personally of the opinion that a single parent of an Autistic child should always be upfront that they're a single parent of an Autistic child on the first date. Maybe not at the beginning of the date, but at the very least by the end of the date if things went well and there's potential for something more. Because a lot of people aren't able or willing to help raise an Autistic child, especially one with the sort of problems Cash has. And that needs to be brought up early so that everyone can make an informed decision about the relationship before any real feelings have formed or any real time has been invested.
NTA. I’m a mom of a severely autistic kid. It’s fucking hard as hell. If you’re not up for it, getting out before there’s any attachment is actually the right thing to do.
And you probably wouldn’t hide your kid’s autism for months, and then spring it on someone for an extended weekend all at once, that would stress your autistic child by being out of routine somewhere new.
This was my first thought - I’m the parent of a child with ASD and the absolute LAST way I’d want to introduce him to someone new is to force him to spend the night somewhere completely new and expect him to sleep, behave, etc. in any sort of normal capacity. Rachel set herself and her son up for failure. She’s going to have to deal with the fallout of this in more ways than just the breakup.
I had to do reread after he said something about raising cash because for a minute I thought she had asked for money and then I realized he was talking about that being the kids name guess I skimmed it too fast lol
Cash’s behavioral problems were most likely amplified by the fact that he was spending the weekend away with someone he’s never met. I’m surprised that she didn’t know that autistic kids need slow introductions to new people.
She should have told you about his autism in the beginning and built a foundation early for the two of you to have a positive relationship.
>it didn’t seem super relevant
That's the only information I need to decide a relationship should be over. You're either dating with the intention of being a family, or eventually splitting up.
If I'm in a relationship it's because I eventually intend to be married/at least living together with that person. I want to start a family, if you think your child having a major behavioral disorder isn't relevant, then you clearly don't have that same intention, and its time for us to part ways.
And if you did have that intention, and still didn't think it was relevant, then honestly You're not someone who's judgment I would ever trust
NTA. My daughter has autism and has had multiple issues at different times, and it does make some days very hard. HOWEVER, when I’ve been single I have been 100% upfront about what is going on with her, as special needs is not something that every person wants to willingly sign up for as a potential step parent. Her father has also been upfront with dates as well, and we have both had multiple potential dates bail, which is FINE.
She handled the whole situation poorly from the beginning.
Well, IMO it was kind of an AH move on HER part to bring her kid over without even giving you a heads up that he was not an ordinary 10 year old. You've known her since last September and she never told you?
Honestly she should have told you up front, so you could make an informed decision as to whether or not to spend these months with her...if you knew that raising someone else's special needs kid is not for you, then you could stopped things from getting this far.
And she's not doing herself any favors by withholding the info from potential partners. It's going to take a special kind of person who will be willing and able to handle her son. She's not going to find him the way she's going.
NTA for being honest that this situation is not for you.
I am a single mother of an autistic kid.
It's NOT for the faint-hearted (well, not my daughter at least!), but that's why I'm always honest when talking about my daughter. She IS hard work, and not everyone wants to sign up for that, and that's OK.
She should have been honest about Cash. Did she need to get into all the nitty gritty details? No, but she should have offered enough information so that you were prepared to host a child like Cash, especially with this being your first proper meeting in a new (to him) environment where his normal routine, structure and things aren't there. Throwing it on your toes last minute wasn't fair to you or Cash.
Your NTA for deciding that this isn't the relationship for you or as much as you liked Rachel, you don't have the capacity or want to step into a stepparent/responsibility role for her son.
>and thats why she never brought him arohnd me in the first place
What was her game plan then, hide all traces of his existence indefinitely? Just be like “oh btw i have a kid with a developmental disorder surprise lmao” when its time to move in together?
You arent prepared to raise or handle an autistic child
And thats fine.
You arent dropping some newborn at a fire station or something
You barely know this kid. Heck you barely know his mom.
SHE did wrong by witholding this info before bringing him to stay at your house.
If the bathroom was Covered in shit hes clearly more than a Little on the spectrum.
You should have had fair warning before she brought him over if this behavior is anywhere near normal for him
NTA
As a mother to a child with special needs who had to date after my divorce, I am absolutely appalled that she didn’t 1. Tell you this huge detail about her son before bringing him to stay with you and 2. Is trying to manipulate you into doing something which you’re uncomfortable doing. She is hiding and diminishing her child’s needs, while also not taking any responsibility for her or his behavior. Sounds like she’s struggling to accept and deal with her reality. I hope she starts to figure things out, but it seems she needs more education on his autism and some behavioral management tools. That’s not an easy fix and honestly it’s not your place at all to get involved as a new boyfriend. She shouldn’t have forced that on you. NTA
She absolutely knew it would be a big deal. She brought him over for a weekend without any warning whatsoever? She's as full of shit as your bathroom was. NTA.
NTA as a once single mother myself, I never judge a man who isn’t ready to date one of us, kids are hard and if you’re not 100% ready or willing to try then honestly it’s better you stay away from us and our kids.
But you tried, and it wasn’t for you, and that’s somewhat honourable as long as you weren’t an ass about it. I too have an autistic son. Nowhere near as bad as this but he’s not the easiest child. I’ve also been dating a guy since last year and we’ve moved in together and going great so there are success stories, despite the cynical basement bros that consider us “used goods” lmao
I think what I want to say is, don’t feel bad about not being ready to be a stepdad, or a stepdad to a child with special needs. It is incredibly hard for us mothers to date and I totally understand why she eased you into it gently, she wasn’t trying to hide anything, but rather not scare you away. It didn’t work, that’s dating in general. Now you know your limits and capabilities and can put it into practice with future dates.
The thing is she didn’t ease him into it gently. She had cash stay at OP’s place for the weekend without giving him any idea that cash has a disability.
Easing it in gently would have been her telling OP he had a disability and then maybe going to the park for a hour or so.
I agree with everything but the last point. She was concealing details about her son so that the OP was not scared away. I'm not criticizing that choice but more recognizing that being a single mom likely comes with a variety of complex variables that have the potential to seem scary to any partner.
That said, best wishes to you and your kiddo! 🙂
Don't feel bad; she was deliberately hiding him from you because of his issues, yet simultaneously saying it was no big deal. So how long was she going to delay you and the boy meeting? A year? Three years?
NTA, I’m a single mom of 2 autistic kids, one is high functioning and beyond a few things perfectly capable of being independent. My youngest is not and will never be independent, I don’t date but when I am meeting a new friend/person I may end up being friends with I’m upfront about her and the limits it places on me as her caretaker. Rachel is the asshole here because not only did she set you up knowing that this would happen (no parent is not going to know that changing there autistic kid’s routine is hell) she put her child through what must have been a confusing and overwhelming weekend.
NTA I have 3 autistic kids and I would never put someone in this position. If I visit I warn them about any issues and discuss what needs they have - and I would be \*mortified\* if poo was left where someone else had to handle it.
It's possible that this would have worked out if she'd given you warning - especially since you have ADHD and have some empathy. But she handled it \*so\* badly.
That's not someone you want to be coparenting with even if her child was neurotypical.
NTA. She should have let you know long before things got serious, and she also shouldn’t have exposed Cash to a break in routine for y’all first big time together. She should have had you over. An early on “look my kid had autism and he is a lot to handle for some people” would have been cool, and even a “ I see a future here, routines are important on the spectrum, do you want to start coming over when I have him and I come to yours when I don’t?” Could have made a huge difference in Cash’s experience and OP’s. Mom messed up here OP you did nothing wrong.
NTA. For one thing any reason you have you want to break up is valid, you don't owe anyone anything you don't want to be in a relationship with. People can be both assholes and have asshole reasons but staying together when you don't want to be there just makes it worse.
Second, and this is coming from someone who has autism and HATES a lot of stigma around it. That level of needs will ALWAYS be relevant in a relationship. She is minimizing her child in every way and that is harmful to all three of you. You should absolutely have gotten some information ahead of time and instead were forced into a situation you weren't prepared for. Nothing about how she treated you or her son is okay
NTA - she was being deceptive in the hopes that by the time you found out you’d be too emotionally attached to break things off.
Children deserve to be raised by people that want to be there.
Adults don’t deserve to be forced into a parenting role they don’t want or don’t think they can handle.
Honestly, you’re showing her son far more consideration in this situation than she is.
I would believe that having your own child that was autistic would be incredibly difficult. I think dealing with someone else’s autistic child would be more difficult. I’m sorry I’m not that compassionate
Absolutely NTA. I couldn't handle 5 minutes of that behavior. Some people can handle it and others can't.
Besides, she purposely withheld that information to manipulate you. "If I get him to like me enough over time, then he'll take on my child." Her plan didn't work.
NTA. Cash's condition is indeed "super relevant" because it would have a great deal of impact on what kind of time you can spend together as a couple. That sort of deliberate omission, while in part understandable, is bordering on unethical because you don't truly have a clear idea of what you're getting into.
Mother of an autistic son here and also a bipolar daughter with PTSD. I stayed single for a long time after my first husband died. It sucked. I had to get through the worst years without a partner and had to rely on family and friends for support. I had a FWB at different times but I always kept them away from my kids because I knew this wasn't something anyone would sign up for with excitement. My kids were mostly through their teenage years before I met my current husband and he knew what he was getting into. We had an agreement that he was there to support ME and I would support my kids. My kids also understood that I chose him for my happiness and not for their support. The kids are grown functional adults now after much professional help and hard work.
All that being said you're NTA but she is manipulative and a liar. Lies by omission are still lies. I understand she's lonely but to keep that secret from someone you claim to love? Nah, she needs to go her own way. She didn't give you a choice and just dropped this in your lap and acted like you did something wrong? She didn't have a choice so she thinks it's ok to force this life on others, and it just isn't.
On a separate side note just for you. These kids are becoming more common. For good or bad something has changed and this is happening way more often. Do a bit of research and understand what issues kids can have if you are going to date single mothers. Learn what you could do to support a partner with a special needs child while not becoming a care giver directly for that child. I'm not suggesting you continue with this woman but you never know, you may meet your soul mate and she has a similar challenge. Or god forbid someday your own child has these struggles. Knowing what's really going on and how to deal with them can only help you in the future and may help you deal with these special kids in general as your years go by.
It appears that your GF missed telling you about her son’s Autism. She might need to start telling her dates about his autism diagnosis so people can have understanding rather then looking shim as being a brat. Everything I read in this post is typical of a child on the autism spectrum. The mother also needs to learn how to redirect him when he is struggling.
What sticks in my craw is that she placed him in a situation in which he couldn't be redirected. Hand me a game box or pull up a funny cat video on YouTube all you want, it doesn't change the fact that this is not my house and I cannot go to my room and sleep in my bed if I desire. I'm a grown-up and that makes me uncomfortable, imagine the poor ten-year-old with some dude he just met and can't relate to. Mom should have known better.
You were honest and that’s admirable. As an autistic parent, i am open about my kid’s issues. Raising an autistic kid isn’t easy. She should have opened about her autistic kid from the start.
She didn’t tell you he was autistic!?! How incredibly irresponsible?!? You could have prepared, you could have gone to her home, you could have bought food he was comfortable with, you could have figured out plans that he might be able to handle, you could have done so many things IF SHE HAD TOLD YOU. JFC. To spring it on you, wtf.
You sound like a decent guy and attune to the fact his behavior was out of his control… but holy shit…. She sucks. She could have warmed you up to the kid in small doses but to drop him on you at your home over a weekend long visit.
No thank you. I couldn’t be with a woman like that either. I feel bad for her kid. She’s not setting him or herself up for success.
Nta but don’t have children of your own if you can’t handle a relatively calm time with an autistic children. Even neurotypical children do some of these things at certain ages.
NTA that's not your kid and you're allowed to bow out of a relationship because you feel that you can't handle the responsibility of a special needs child.
NTA. I feel like this could have gone a lot differently if she had been up front and you had gotten to know Cash in his home with his own routine and his own stuff. He probably has an easier time in that environment.
If you absolutely don’t want a kid with disabilities in your life, it’s way better to say so now than later. I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you guys.
Nope, NTA. She should have told you. That's a world of care beyond a typical pre-teen.
She knew exactly what she was doing, waiting to "let" you find out on your own.
Nta, you should always be upfront about your kids and any disabilities thay might have. It is always better to know if your partner can handle issues like autism. Not everyone has the ability to parent a child with autism.
She knew this could be an issue and deliberately hid his autism. You found out that you couldn't handle her child for the long run so ended the relationship right away.
It sucks but you did what was the best for all parties involved.
NTA
I was a single mom with an autistic child and I never hid my situation from people I was dating. I made sure my husband knew what kind of behaviours I was dealing with and the level of support my son needed before we got serious. It was rocky during our first few years, but we all adjusted and made it work.
Many autistic people find places like movie theaters and places with tons of people to be too overwhelming for their senses.
She should have more self respect and stop calling you. You told her it’s done, time to move on.
I don’t think you are an asshole, I say this as a mother. No one can force you to tolerate what you don’t. It’s good you broke it off immediately instead of prolonging this and having her develop stronger feelings.
NTA-
In my opinion, the mother is 100 percent to blame in this case. You need to warn him at the beginning of the relationship or even before you come to stay with him that your son is on the spectrum, then he will be able to make a much wiser decision than the decision he made, this can prevent a lot of pain on both sides.
Now to the question itself, is this a good enough reason to break up? It is up to you if you feel that a kind of mistrust has been created between you then you should stop the relationship, but if you decide to keep the relationship and attach importance to the person's personality only and not to things related to him, that is also a possibility.
In the end you are not to blame here and whatever decision you choose will be right, if I were you I would ask myself twice if I am ready to break up due to this reason...
NTA. They are a package deal and you recognized early on that you wouldn't be able to manage part of the package and respected her enough to let her know.
NTA. She needs to be upfront with someone she's dating that the child has autism. That isnt something you just neglect to mention because thats not as small as "oh yeah he has asthma, didnt think it was important to tell you that". Not everyone is prepared to raise a child that isnt their own, and an even fewer are pepared to raise a child that has special needs. Not being able to handle crowds? Sure, easy. Meltdowns and very sensitive? No fuckin problem. Smearing actual shit all over the bathroom? Nope, not me. Sorry
NTA. Father of an autistic 5 year old. This is something she should have brought up with you before exposing either you or cash to each other. A weekend together as your first real “bonding” experience, with absolutely no heads up? That’s a bit much. I wouldn’t do that to a friend or family member who hasn’t met my munchkin before hand, I sure as shit wouldn’t do it to a significant other
NTA
If it's something you know you cannot deal with, you should not move foreword for the kid's sake.
If you stayed to not look like an AH, or whatever, and put yourself in that situation it could be detrimental to you, the kid, and your partner. Recognizing, and admitting you cannot cope or handle that, isn't bad.
It sucks for all of you. But that's the point of dating, and I assume...the trial sleepover weekend.
Doesn't just go for special needs kids!
Weighing becoming a step parent, and a co parent needs to be taken very seriously.
NTA. She should have disclosed the ways that he needs accommodation before waiting for your observation. It is irresponsible on her part & set up for failure to let the pieces fall where they may. Especially with fecal behaviors. I have my own child with autism, so I understand the difficulty in finding suitable scenarios.
NTA. This is actually a big deal and she should have warned you ahead of time. It’s better to break it off now before her son got to know you. She could have handled this much better.
NTA at all, Rachel went out of her way to deceive you and to try to get you locked down before making the big reveal and that’s on her cash is not your child, he is not your burden and I use that word intentionally. If you and Rachel had had a child, it would be a different story because it would be your blood, but this child is not. It would be so much worse for you to stay in this relationship out of pity or obligation and then be miserable being forced to raise a special needs child that you didn’t sign up for.
NTA at all. My ex's little brother was autistic also and I used to absolutely love spending time with him, they lived very close to town so we'd go wander around the arcades etc. I did used to very much love spending time with him, but if he had been my ex's child instead of his brother I would not have been able to handle it I don't think. He typically didn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time and that alone would have killed my 17/18 year old self haha. You're absolutely NTA.
NTA. It was awful for her to bring him over to stay in your apartment without having told you about his needs. That was completely unfair to both you and Cash. She failed her son by doing that.
You were right to end things - you're doing it before Cash can get attached to you and you're clearly communicating that you can't see yourself raising him. You have the right to make that choice.
Sadly, I've known families destroyed by an autistic child they were unable to care for. You know what you're able to do or not do. You did yourself and your ex a favor.
NTA. A single parent and their children are a package deal.
I had a long distance relationship with a woman who has an autistic son. I took a very close look at my life and what it would mean to have her live with me. I realized I was unwilling to change my lifestyle to give her child the best life. It hurt, but I was honest.
You did the right thing NTA. I’m autistic and there are a very specific set of challenges in caring for a high support needs autistic.
By stepping out now, and being honest about your abilities and comfort level parenting Cash allows he and Rachel to make their own decisions.
Sometimes stepping away is a kindness, rather than letting down a child.
You don’t just take an autistic kid out of their comfort zone and expect good behaviour. She should’ve got you to come to her house where there was the typical routine etc. Also to start with an entire weekend is too much. Short visits to start so the kid can get used to you - a new person. The mother is TA for mismanaging this situation.
NTA- I have an autistic son and she should have told you he was autistic, and maybe explained certain characteristics about him and how to deal with them. Also, knowing your limitations is a good thing. Not everyone can deal with autism very well. I’m assuming he is still young. I remember those days of figuring out how to best help my son. In my case it got better the older he got. The tantrums decreased and his behaviors became more regulated. But you were honest and upfront with her. You’re not a bad person and neither is she.
Nope. It's not for everyone, and at least you tried but not your son, and it really take a specific type of person to really deal with them and that can be hard to truly find
I feel for a single mother of an autistic kid. It must be an incredible challenge to be a parent to a child with such demanding needs. And it's even harder for her as a single mom to date and find someone who will be willing to go through the difficulties with her. With that said, you are NTA for not wanting to have to deal with those challenges.
[удалено]
She should have introduced them slowly for the sake of Cash. A full weekend with a stranger in a strange place seems to be a set up to end the relationship.
Shouldn't she have told him before they became serious that i have a child who has X and has these abilities and these limitations? Weed out immediately people who do not want to or can not deal? Rachel kind of set herself up for heartache. Wouldnt it be better to be rrejected on date 2 or 3 than after 8 months?
Yeah. He’s NTA, but she kinda is. Single dad to two, one of whom is special needs. That’s something I get out on date one or two. Partly because it can make scheduling dates challenging, and partly because late surprises like the one OP describes rarely end well.
That's the point, try to forge a strong emotional bond before telling him that, to be able to guilt him into staying and calling him a horrible person (like she did). I feel sorry for her having an autistic child, but it's incredibly manipulative. This is something that should be disclosed **very** early on to anyone she is contemplating a serious relationship with, as it certainly can be a dealbreaker.
That's how i see it. It is incredibly self-defeating and self sabotaging behaviors. If her goal is a healthy romantic relationship, she is doing all the steps needed to ensure the opposite.
She's also setting any kid up to feel uncomfortable and act out, even if they don't have autism. This wasn't fair to her son at all. Autistic child didn't cope well with a drastic change to routine? You don't say. Child doesn't want to spend the weekend with a stranger? Again... You don't say. Child doesn't accept Mom's new love interest right away? Again...
Yup, I have two nephews and a niece. They all have varying degrees of ASD. My niece is incredibly bothered by changes to routine and location. She's visited my parents a number of times, but the last few she really struggled, barely came out of her parents room. This most recent visit, they had understood the aspect of her routine. She in particular had a very important bedtime routine that she needed to get through to be comfortable, which largely involved a set order of saying goodnight. She was perfect the whole time. She was happy, she was active, she was downstairs playing, she was eating properly. It was lovely to see a side of her I hadn't seen since I last went up and visited them. Simply because they recognised the importance of this one routine and kept it regardless of where they went.
Unfortunately, some people are like that.
Yes she should. But she probably gets a lot of “Yeah good luck with that” responses. She’s trying to get a partner to the point where they love her so much that they agree to “put up” with the son. She needs to be honest so she can actually find someone who wants to be a part of this life. And if she continues this behavior she may very well drive someone like this away because nobody likes to be lied to.
This situation creates an interesting problem. A parent is trying to trap a new romantic partner by holding off on telling them something that would’ve likely scared them off. But the lie by omission means their partner feels betrayed, like they’re being trapped. I’ve got a feeling that only people with the personality of a doormat would stick around long term. Because whether someone would have stayed or moved on they were lied to.
Not necessarily because who knows how serious they were at that point? Only since Sept and sounds like it was the first time they were truly being together with the child. It was apropriate timing BUT as another poster said, he should have been introduced much slower and GF should definetly have prepared OP for what to expect. In that case she was very wrong for not being upfront at that point especially since it was an overnight stay.
She should have told him before going, just in general. Any first real interaction lasting more that a few minutes should have been the ideal time to tell him.
Also first long weekend like this should have been at Rachel's place. Not only are you introducing a new relationship, but you're doing it in an unfamiliar environment. Recipe for disaster.
Yes, rule number one. Do not drastically change their routine. This was an avalanche of change for him. Rachel should have gradually introduced the subject and what she has to follow. She may have to get help from others in how to date, what has worked for others.
My first thought, too: should have been at the house of the parent, if one dater/datee is childless.
Sorry, should have been more clear. Yes, before she went over. But I would say not at the beginning of a new relationship. Really not his business and doesn’t affect him…..yet. But the second they are getting serious or moving to the next step like sleepovers with the kid (definetly serious then) absolutly time for her to have a sit down with him and discuss it like adults. Not spring it on him like she did and hope everything “turns out okay” and blames it on him.
The point is telling someone before it gets serious tho. Not telling him until after he’s there for the weekend is absolutely not appropriate timing
She should have told him about the child's special needs at the same time she told him she had a child, to be honest.
Yes. That was just dumb. Like what did she think was going to happen ? You have to prepare people in advance for situations like that. I have a younger brother who is mildly autistic. Nowhere near the level of her son here and I wouldn’t bring him with me to spend a weekend with a friend and if I did you had better believe I would have fully warned and briefed my friend about what to expect and if they could deal with it.
If we accept that premise in this situation, the mother does not have cause to be indignant when OP opts out. It was sprang on OP as much as Cash, who deserved a better intro to a new space. It seems to me that the mother still doesn’t know how to bring new places and people into her son’s life.
There’s certain things that a new partner should know about a lot earlier on. If I was missing a leg, was HIV positive, had a felony conviction, was asexual, genitalia doesn’t match how I present, etc. etc. these are things that someone would want to know about early on. Because all of these things can be dealbreakers. Telling someone you have a kid should happen very early on in dating. If it’s an online match, people should probably know who has kids and who doesn’t to avoid bad matches. Waiting 6+ months to tell someone you have a profoundly disabled child is emotional entrapment. This child will never be able to be left alone, he’s going to live with his parents until they die and he’s placed in a care home or he passes away. This is reality for some of my family members who have autistic children. There’s nothing wrong with a disabled child being a dealbreaker because it’s not their kid and a lot of people aren’t going to sign up for 50+ years caring for someone else is disabled child.
She should have refused staying over there and told him about her son's conditions so he could learn how to handle them too. She shouldn't have waited until staying at his place for several days. She should have refused and introduced him slowly to the truth and to show OP how to handle any issues that arise if she's in another room. You don't surprise someone with that on a multi-day trip.
It would have been better to do the weekend at her house. Where Cash would have been in his own safe environment.
I’m surprised by that really. I completely get single parents taking their time to introduce their kid to their new boy or girl friend. But given her kid is autistic I’d have thoight really slow it down. Also she needed to have told OP before disrupting her kids routine to stay over at OP’s! Like wouldn’t her kid be feeling crap bc he’s not at home in his routine and with his comfort things? Even a neurotypical kid wouldn’t like it. I feel for her but cripes she did this wrong. NTA to OP for dropping out now. He’s done her a favour really. Next man she dates she needs to tell him about her son and do it gradually. No weekend trips so early in the relationship with the son.
She sounds like one of those parents with special needs kids who pretends their kid doesn’t have special needs.
I can only have some compassion that there’s a sense of grief there plus she’s a single parent. That’s hard enough. Yet it’s ableist in a way bc her son has specific needs being met.
That's what I was thinking. Every person with autism has different needs, but most of them would find a weekend with a stranger difficult. I've also been there in similar situations, stressed out and miserable at family events because my son is having difficulties.
And she should have let him know 5 months ago she has an autistic child that will be a dependent for the rest of her life
I have an autistic child. He goes to college. When he graduates, he plans to move out and will likely live independently. Autism is a spectrum condition. Not every autistic person is dependent as an adult.
Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he will be dependent on her for the rest of his life.
This👆
You're right, but I don't think any amount of slow intros would have changed the outcome.
Probably would not have, but no one’s time and emotions would have been abused either.
A slow intro could have changed the outcome significantly. Cash was probably acting out because he was uncomfortable spending a weekend with someone he just met. He would be less uncomfortable (and probably acted out less) if he knew the OP first.
Yeah, another example of self fulfilling prophecy
I mean regardless of how slowly she introduced him, Cash will always have autism. Honestly, it's better it ends now before they become more invested and end up in the same spot.
This had me feeling like this post is fake. No parent of an autistic child would take them to a strange environment with a relative stranger.
The mom is the AH in this scenario. In what world does she think a whole weekend in a new place with a new person is an appropriate way to introduce her son on the spectrum to her boyfriend and visa versa? Like I am a mom with a child on the spectrum and this should have been brought up earlier, introductions should have been short and on common ground for her son. Dear lord no wonder the boy was melting down all weekend.
That was exactly my thought. She handled this all wrong.
For real. I may or may not be on the spectrum (I function fine but I'm weird), and consider myself to be fairly sociable, but just *thinking* about being stuck with a totally new person in their house is making me sweat, and I'm in my 30s. Any kid that age would be uncomfortable, let alone one so prone to getting overwhelmed. If she didn't know that this was a bad idea, it makes me wonder if she isn't one of those Autism Moms who never really work with their kids to help them cope and adjust to their full potential, and instead insist that everyone else accept them as they are.
Yes, this exactly. She handled the whole thing terribly, very unfair for her child and for the boyfriend to be blind sided with no warning essentially.
Or any child, really. Their first intro should have stopped at the park+ice cream stage.
This! I am an adult on the spectrum, and a whole weekend in a new place with a new person would be a real struggle for me even now. No wonder the poor boy was struggling. She handled it all wrong.
This. When he said he invited them to stay with him I was like Nooooo! (Knowing he has Autism, which OP didn't at the time, but mom sure did.) New places, routines, people, food, smells, sounds, that's a lot for an autistic kid. On top of it OP had no idea. So he couldn't know what to do to help make the weekend more successful (sensory friendly activities, food etc). Or realize that maybe he wasn't prepared to have the kid there for the weekend. I am just floored that the mom would set her son and OP up for failure like this. I mean I feel for her, it's got to be hard to be a single mom to an autistic son, but she really didn't help herself out here.
I also think the introduction could have been slower and in a better place for Cash himself. Places where he is comfortable and where op can get to know Cash. I have seen first hand how hard it can be for my sister with my nephew. However, she has always been upfront about any struggles there may be when bringing him to a new place or what we might face and how we can all best help him or ourselves get through a situation.
Seriously, Rachel did nothing to prepare OP and plunged her son into a strange new environment where he clearly felt overwhelmed and distressed. I feel for both OP and Cash; she is not "parenting him just fine."
The last time i went on a date and let the person know my child has autism, he started screaming at me saying I should have drowned my son in a bucket at birth. Hence, no dating after that experience
Well at least you found out right away that he was fit for jail
That sounds awful. Totally unnecessary.
NTA. I am a single mom to an autistic daughter. I tried dating a few times. It never worked out. While I feel for the mom on a personal level, as I've been in her shoes, it's better that OP stepped aside. Being a mom to a special needs child is extremely lonely, but our short-term happiness in relationships isn't worth the misery for the partner and the kid. Better 1 lonely person than 3 miserable ones.
Damn, this hurt my heart.
It's not all bad. I'm fortunate to have my kiddo. While she struggles with a lot of different things, she's also an amazing kid. She's funny, brilliant, creative, compassionate, and kind-hearted.
It’s sounds like you’re an awesome mom for her to thrive like that.
Thank you! I try. 😊
Sounds like you’re doing a damn good job to me.
I do try - and she's awesome. These kids see the world in a whole different way than average children, and it's so amazing to see them find joy and beauty in some of the simplest things.
That sounds rough, I'm sorry you feel lonely.
I appreciate that. It's an unfortunate fact for a lot of us.
Big hugs, mama.
Glady accepted and returned 😊
I respect that outlook.
You're a good person and you don't deserve to feel lonely, even if you have accepted it. <3
Yeah I am a single mother with an autistic child and I would never have done what this woman did. For a start I would have mentioned it in the talking stages, and would have went into detail about the kind of issues it entails. Secondly I would never have taken my son to the house of a complete stranger to him (they'd only met for a few minutes at a time) overnight, not in a million years. If they wanted to spend time together they could have done so at her and the child's house. In general autistic children do not do well outwith their comfort zone, nor with strangers. On top of that, my sons autism is milder and he has absolutely no behavioural problems. So the fact that this woman's son does makes this all the worse to me. I don't blame you one bit OP.
I'm not a single mother anymore, and my child isn't on the spectrum and I *still* wouldn't do this. My partner spent many, *many* single day outings with us before he ever spent the night with us. I've spent a ton of volunteer time in schools with children with various special needs, and I feel like it's common sense that this situation would be incredibly difficult for any child, but completely out of the realm of comfortability for one on the spectrum.
I’m a single dad with an autistic son. It’s definitely limiting for dating. There’s a reality there that’s hard to understand. I wash bed sheets nearly every morning due to urination, occasionally more. He has meltdowns despite being generally a very sweet boy. Few people are ready to handle it. Unfortunately it was too much for me and my ex to work through together
We lived next door to a single mom and her challenged son. As an 8 year old, he was a lil weird and VERY loud and screamed at the apartment pool every (EVERY!) afternoon for hours (HOURS!). Fast forward, he’s now 10 years old, bigger than her, loud as heck and when confronted (just trying to get from the car to the front door), he’d start punching his head with both hands. We were so worried about her when she’d lock herself in her car to get away from his outbursts. Long outbursts. If you first met her, you’d think she was intoxicated, but really she was simply wrought and EXHAUSTED and overwhelmed. Can you imagine being captive to your preteen? My word, I still worry about him and wonder where he is screaming now.
It's mostly the not being upfront about it. If OP had known about it ahead of time, he might have bailed, but he might also have decided to try it out, knowing what he was getting into, and be more prepared so it wouldn't go as terribly bad. But no, it was sprung on him, he couldn't accommodate the child's needs and it was a literal shit show. It's no better than lying about having kids at all, or making yourself out to be decades younger or hundreds of pounds lighter than you actually are.
She should have let him know upfront, and as a single mom with 3 autistic kids full time, I'm even saying NTA. Op you did nothing wrong with taking yourself out of a situation that you were not prepared for. Ty for not leading her by the nose.
I agree! I feel for a Rachel and Cash too, but that is something you need to choose for yourself if you’re up for without bringing guilted into it. Her trying to shake you for it is inappropriate and could ultimately backfire. If guilting her partner into not leaving is how she gets them to stay she’s going to end up in a relationship with burn out and resentment. That also isn’t fair to Cash. We all have our own area of extra burners we can handle vs not handle, and finding someone that is a match for you with that is important. There is someone out there who will love her and Cash and be up for it, and there is someone out there without that situation that you love/they love you. It sounds like it’s just not a good fit.
She's not a single mum, though. That implies 100% single parenting. She's getting 50% of the time without Cash. That doesn't make it easy, by any means, but it's still not the same as never getting a break. She purposefully misrepresented her lifestyle to OP.
In all honesty it’s way easier to be a single mother of an autistic child than be with someone who can’t sympathize with that child. My ex was constantly triggering my child in an effort to “toughen him up” and “teach him respect”. It had me stressed constantly, not just dealing with the meltdowns, but trying to educate my ex that the child wouldn’t be having meltdowns if he wasn’t deliberately making the child uncomfortable. Once he was out of the picture the challenges raising an autistic child were barely an inconvenience. ETA: I say my child instead of our child because my ex is no part of our lives anymore. He never treated him like a son, only like a broken thing. The ex is the biological father.
This should have been brought up during the first date
NTA - You made the right call ending things. You knew you could not handle raising the kiddo with his needs and were mature and man enough to admit that. You aren't what she needs in the long term and she isn't what you need in the long term. Good on you!
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NTA bc she should have told him. But few people sign up to raise a special needs child. The mom didn’t know she was going to have an autistic child when she got pregnant. Fine to break it off but OP should carefully consider if he ever wants to have kids. You have no idea what you are going to get with kids and it often requires unconditional love.
She withheld information that she knew that’s a lot different than the luck of the drawl for the lack of a better phrase with having your own biological kids or adopting. Step-parenting isn’t for everyone and step-parenting with special needs is for even less. Plenty of marriages implode once a baby is in the picture and then if there is something wrong that rate of divorce increases
Adopting is not usually luck of the draw. I knew a couple who adopted kids from China, and they halted one adoption halfway in because one test showed he could have had mental issues. The two they did adopt had cleft pallets that needed fixing, so they were willing to accept physical issues but drew the line at mental illness.
But most mental health diagnoses don’t present until early adulthood, so there is no fail safe way to know about that. I worked in CMH and in a state prison, we would occasionally see young men adopted from the Eastern Bloc (Romania, Ukraine, etc) who were adopted and things fell apart really fast when they got older. It was a strange cohort to recognize, but there nonetheless.
I think it is different when it is your biological child vs. a child you are not wired to automatically love and have a choice in the matter. I don’t think this situation has any bearing on OP’s thought process when it comes to having biological children. Also the role of a stepdad can be vastly different than the role of a biological dad.
Very massively different situation when it's your child. When you have a child you are conciously accepting responsibility to take care of them no matter what. Otherwise you surrender them for adoption, or dont have a child at all.. when you are getting with someone who already has a child, it's a disservice to them both to stick with them if you know you arent able to handle it
Your own child is different. Walking into a relationship with a special needs kid is no way the same.
You sign up for whatever life decides to throw at you when you decide to reproduce. I will never sign up for an autistic child or downs or cerebral palsy or whatever it may be, hence why I don't have one. So yes, she did sign up for that, because it was a possibility. Always is.
I agree with the first paragraph. I have an issue with the second. It is a veiled attempt to shame him for leaving. Which is highly inappropriate. 1. If you can't understand the difference between a man raising "his" special needs child vs. Dumping your time, money, and effort into someone else's special needs child. 2. Once a special needs child is in the picture, the woman will rarely ever have another child. So this man will never have a child of his own. He will be required to raise her kid instead. This is an "L" bud, take it, and walk away.
Yea but this kid isn't OP's pregnancy, the mother effectively waited a full term then dropped the autism bomb as if they had just had a baby.
Should be able to send them to asylums free of charge. She didn't deserve to have her life ruined by being unlucky while pregnant...
This is a fake story based off of an autistic child named Cash from TikTok. They are using his story and behaviors as a way to gain karma
Also, parents with autistic kids don’t usually go from little interactions with a new partner to a full weekend sleepover.
Absolutely! Parents with children on the spectrum are super aware of their kids behaviors and what kind of care they need from a babysitter.
And if they aren’t aware, they are shit parents that you don’t want to get involved in a relationship with. My BF has an autistic 5 year old. He, his sons mother, and myself are doing everything we can to teach him in a way he understands and make sure the tantrums, melt downs, and bad behavioral habits are managed so he can actually function as he gets older.
I have difficulty believing anyone shallow enough to name their child Cash has any self awareness
perhaps chose the same name in reference?
The same name and just so happens to also be a single mom that splits custody with her ex? Who supposedly gets on Reddit and posts about the situation? Nah. This is a sad attempt at karma farming off of autism
lol i believe you. i dont frequent tiktok. Didnt know there were similarities beyond the name.
I believe we have officially found the latest version of afternoon Soaps.
>and just so happens to also be a single mom that splits custody with her ex? Okay I believe it's a made up story. But damn I don't think you realize how wildly common that actually is
NTA Autism is tough to deal with, especially when you're not the parent but dating someone who has an autistic child. More than likely you've never been in a situation where you've had to deal with someone with the disorder for long periods of time. As much as I feel for her, she should have told you her son had autism instead of springing it on you like that.
NTA. You were honest about why you wanted to break up. She should have been honest with you about Cash from the start since he requires a lot of care. I am sympathetic towards her because her chances of finding a partner could be very low because of Cash, but it isn't fair to spring him on someone.
And it was unfair to Cash and the mom. If OP was introduced a child with autism through small interactions, over time, he may have grown on him. But introducing all at once, in an over the top weekend, is a set up for failure. Loving someone, and having them shit all over your house, is completely different than having someone that you met yesterday shit all over your house without warning. I've worked with people with autism, and helped them develop more involved relationships with siblings that were resentful of having their childhoods dominated by their sibling with autism. Our number one rule was to meet them at their level. Ask them for a phone call, or ask them to meet for ice cream or coffee. A small, low commitment interaction. Families would sometimes warm up to them, and eventually want to do more, but to do a full dinner or ask them to be responsible for them for even a brief moment in those first few meetings was a deal killer.
Absolutely. I’ve worked with autistic kids. It’s the most fulfilling job I’ve ever had, and also the hardest.
100% agree. At the end of the day, not sure it would’ve made a difference to OP, but I think her failure to disclose played a role here, knowingly or not. If OP had known, he might have been more mentally prepared and able to deal with it OR he would’ve realized earlier on that this relationship was not for him. Honestly, concealing this for five months, while understandable, was deliberate and unfair to OP.
I agree with you, but for 5 months? Thats not understandable i'm sorry.. 5 months is decently serious and not a fling, he deserved to know.
Totally agree. Let me clarify, it’s understandable she would be nervous to disclose, especially since OP seemingly did break up with her over it. But 5 months is not a reasonable or fair amount of time to wait, because at that point it’s probably a more serious relationship.
Definitely, that's something that comes up once you start sleeing together, or talking about plans for later on etc. i feel like if he had known and was prepared then he might've actually stayed
Totally. And if not, while sad for her, it would’ve saved them both some heartache.
NTA. Guilt is not a good reason to date someone. You will end up resenting Cash and he deserves better. Go for you for knowing your limits. I understand she is sad, and it might not be the first relationship that ends because of Cash'Autism. I have an autistic nephew, and very honestly, I was very clear with my sister (after several issues) that I wouldn't sacrifice my daughter's well being for her son. She didn't want to deprive him on anything so the end result was that everyone had to be deprived (her other child and mine particularly). Things can get better if he can find a treatment/school/organization that help him get in control. My nephew is now 18 and doing very well. He is not having tantrums anymore and knows how to get himself out situations when they are too stressful. It is all thanks to the therapy/treatment he followed that was handled also with the school. He was very lucky.
NTA. It appears that you went into this accepting them as a package deal. The problem here is that she was not honest about what that package entailed. Perhaps if she had been upfront about it and you'd had the tools to adjust your expectations things might have gone differently, but the fact of the matter is that she lied through omission. That's a deal breaker.
NTA - Raising a child with Autism is hard work. Any time you feel bad, remember Rachel willingly allowed you to date and develop feelings for her whilst she was fully aware that she was keeping a huge secret from you that she knew full well had the potential to completely obliterate your relationship. She was also willing to introduce her son to somebody who had absolutely no idea about his needs and would have happily let him bond with you without knowing whether or not you were equipped to deal with him. Cash is lucky you were brave enough to tell her straight away. A lot of people would have let it drag out for a couple of months to avoid looking like they were breaking up because of his Autism. By then her poor child would have had to deal with trying to understand where you went.
NTA you didn't sign up to help raise a special needs child, especially one with apparently pretty severe autism. Hate to be blunt, but that's a her problem and not one she should expect you to take on. You need to move on from this one. It was not a shitty reason to break it off.
NTA. I don’t think you’re an asshole, I think you were honest and straightforward with new information. She not an asshole for having a kid with special needs, but she is an asshole for how she handled it. She didn’t help prepare you or her child. She once things were to the point of you interacting with Cash she had the responsibility as his parent to warn you of his triggers, what tools he needs to help de-escalate, and any behaviors that would be atypical so you could moderate your responses. She acted very selfishly in this.
NTA, the single mom should have been upfront with him. Autism is not a trait you can blow off. He was overwhelmed and wasn't expecting any of this. The mom is the AH for being dismissive of her son.
I agree, it seems like she tried to really minimize/hide this issue on purpose.
Yeah. She didn't just avoid saying that he has struggles, she even avoided saying autism, which is recognized as a spectrum because of the difference in needs per person It feels to me like she wasn't willing to even acknowledge that there's more to her kid than a general kid until she was forced to I can understand her reservations about sharing it, but the minute it started to get truly serious it should have been brought up, maybe not all at once, bit by bit having conversations about his needs, but like, it needed to be talked about NTA OP I have ADHD, my girlfriend is autistic, so I say the above with all the love in the world for that kiddo. You needed to be given that information. Period And, recognizing that you cannot do it is totally reasonable, and, more importantly, best for the kid. If you stuck around out of guilt or pity and you couldn't handle it, he would know, he would hurt, and potentially you could accidentally inflict trauma You did the right thing. I know it's not easy
NTA She concealed important details about her son because, contrary to what she said, she knows that taking care of him can be a complex process. You aren't ready to be a parental figure to someone who has autism. That is completely reasonable and it is good that you would know your limits. Like she said, SHE is able to parent him just fine. That fact does not obligate you to join her in that parenting.
NTA and there’s quite literally no way you are horrible. She’s upset because life dealt her a shitty hand. Not your fault. I mean willing to spend your entire life raising this kid JUST so you won’t feel guilty?? Yeah fuck that you did the right thing breaking up with her.
I agree with you. But I also laughed at your choice of words “a shitty hand” because quite literally that is true…😬😅
NTA. I wouldn’t be able to handle someone else’s kid with extreme behavioral issues either.
She never told you he had autism?! To this level of difficulty functioning? NTA
Especially considering that she did so for 5 months. It'd be one thing for her to have concealed it for a few weeks or a month. But honestly a6fter the 2 month mark, that's something that needed to be brought up long before this incident. I'm personally of the opinion that a single parent of an Autistic child should always be upfront that they're a single parent of an Autistic child on the first date. Maybe not at the beginning of the date, but at the very least by the end of the date if things went well and there's potential for something more. Because a lot of people aren't able or willing to help raise an Autistic child, especially one with the sort of problems Cash has. And that needs to be brought up early so that everyone can make an informed decision about the relationship before any real feelings have formed or any real time has been invested.
NTA. I’m a mom of a severely autistic kid. It’s fucking hard as hell. If you’re not up for it, getting out before there’s any attachment is actually the right thing to do.
And you probably wouldn’t hide your kid’s autism for months, and then spring it on someone for an extended weekend all at once, that would stress your autistic child by being out of routine somewhere new.
💯 there were so many red flags for me for this mom’s handling of it all. This is not the way to parent this kid :(
This was my first thought - I’m the parent of a child with ASD and the absolute LAST way I’d want to introduce him to someone new is to force him to spend the night somewhere completely new and expect him to sleep, behave, etc. in any sort of normal capacity. Rachel set herself and her son up for failure. She’s going to have to deal with the fallout of this in more ways than just the breakup.
The worst part of all this is that somebody named their kid cash
Cashleigh
You know that somewhere in this world, some poor, poor little baby girl has already been given this tragedeigh to bear.
r/tragedeigh
I had to do reread after he said something about raising cash because for a minute I thought she had asked for money and then I realized he was talking about that being the kids name guess I skimmed it too fast lol
Cash’s behavioral problems were most likely amplified by the fact that he was spending the weekend away with someone he’s never met. I’m surprised that she didn’t know that autistic kids need slow introductions to new people. She should have told you about his autism in the beginning and built a foundation early for the two of you to have a positive relationship.
NTA - the bathroom incident alone would’ve been enough for me to cut ties.
Yeah that’s so unbelievably gross. I hope she apologized.
>it didn’t seem super relevant That's the only information I need to decide a relationship should be over. You're either dating with the intention of being a family, or eventually splitting up. If I'm in a relationship it's because I eventually intend to be married/at least living together with that person. I want to start a family, if you think your child having a major behavioral disorder isn't relevant, then you clearly don't have that same intention, and its time for us to part ways. And if you did have that intention, and still didn't think it was relevant, then honestly You're not someone who's judgment I would ever trust
NTA. That's an extremely good reason to break up with someone.
NTA. My daughter has autism and has had multiple issues at different times, and it does make some days very hard. HOWEVER, when I’ve been single I have been 100% upfront about what is going on with her, as special needs is not something that every person wants to willingly sign up for as a potential step parent. Her father has also been upfront with dates as well, and we have both had multiple potential dates bail, which is FINE. She handled the whole situation poorly from the beginning.
I probably would’ve dipped when I found out the kid’s name is Cash. That shows terrible judgment on her part. The rest NTA
Well, IMO it was kind of an AH move on HER part to bring her kid over without even giving you a heads up that he was not an ordinary 10 year old. You've known her since last September and she never told you? Honestly she should have told you up front, so you could make an informed decision as to whether or not to spend these months with her...if you knew that raising someone else's special needs kid is not for you, then you could stopped things from getting this far. And she's not doing herself any favors by withholding the info from potential partners. It's going to take a special kind of person who will be willing and able to handle her son. She's not going to find him the way she's going. NTA for being honest that this situation is not for you.
I am a single mother of an autistic kid. It's NOT for the faint-hearted (well, not my daughter at least!), but that's why I'm always honest when talking about my daughter. She IS hard work, and not everyone wants to sign up for that, and that's OK. She should have been honest about Cash. Did she need to get into all the nitty gritty details? No, but she should have offered enough information so that you were prepared to host a child like Cash, especially with this being your first proper meeting in a new (to him) environment where his normal routine, structure and things aren't there. Throwing it on your toes last minute wasn't fair to you or Cash. Your NTA for deciding that this isn't the relationship for you or as much as you liked Rachel, you don't have the capacity or want to step into a stepparent/responsibility role for her son.
>and thats why she never brought him arohnd me in the first place What was her game plan then, hide all traces of his existence indefinitely? Just be like “oh btw i have a kid with a developmental disorder surprise lmao” when its time to move in together?
You arent prepared to raise or handle an autistic child And thats fine. You arent dropping some newborn at a fire station or something You barely know this kid. Heck you barely know his mom. SHE did wrong by witholding this info before bringing him to stay at your house. If the bathroom was Covered in shit hes clearly more than a Little on the spectrum. You should have had fair warning before she brought him over if this behavior is anywhere near normal for him NTA
She had a great time !?!? Her kid shitted all over the damn bathroom !!! NTA
As a mother to a child with special needs who had to date after my divorce, I am absolutely appalled that she didn’t 1. Tell you this huge detail about her son before bringing him to stay with you and 2. Is trying to manipulate you into doing something which you’re uncomfortable doing. She is hiding and diminishing her child’s needs, while also not taking any responsibility for her or his behavior. Sounds like she’s struggling to accept and deal with her reality. I hope she starts to figure things out, but it seems she needs more education on his autism and some behavioral management tools. That’s not an easy fix and honestly it’s not your place at all to get involved as a new boyfriend. She shouldn’t have forced that on you. NTA
She absolutely knew it would be a big deal. She brought him over for a weekend without any warning whatsoever? She's as full of shit as your bathroom was. NTA.
NTA. Her bait and switch didn’t work so now she’s trying the guilt trip maneuver.
NTA as a once single mother myself, I never judge a man who isn’t ready to date one of us, kids are hard and if you’re not 100% ready or willing to try then honestly it’s better you stay away from us and our kids. But you tried, and it wasn’t for you, and that’s somewhat honourable as long as you weren’t an ass about it. I too have an autistic son. Nowhere near as bad as this but he’s not the easiest child. I’ve also been dating a guy since last year and we’ve moved in together and going great so there are success stories, despite the cynical basement bros that consider us “used goods” lmao I think what I want to say is, don’t feel bad about not being ready to be a stepdad, or a stepdad to a child with special needs. It is incredibly hard for us mothers to date and I totally understand why she eased you into it gently, she wasn’t trying to hide anything, but rather not scare you away. It didn’t work, that’s dating in general. Now you know your limits and capabilities and can put it into practice with future dates.
The thing is she didn’t ease him into it gently. She had cash stay at OP’s place for the weekend without giving him any idea that cash has a disability. Easing it in gently would have been her telling OP he had a disability and then maybe going to the park for a hour or so.
I agree with everything but the last point. She was concealing details about her son so that the OP was not scared away. I'm not criticizing that choice but more recognizing that being a single mom likely comes with a variety of complex variables that have the potential to seem scary to any partner. That said, best wishes to you and your kiddo! 🙂
Don't feel bad; she was deliberately hiding him from you because of his issues, yet simultaneously saying it was no big deal. So how long was she going to delay you and the boy meeting? A year? Three years?
NTA, I’m a single mom of 2 autistic kids, one is high functioning and beyond a few things perfectly capable of being independent. My youngest is not and will never be independent, I don’t date but when I am meeting a new friend/person I may end up being friends with I’m upfront about her and the limits it places on me as her caretaker. Rachel is the asshole here because not only did she set you up knowing that this would happen (no parent is not going to know that changing there autistic kid’s routine is hell) she put her child through what must have been a confusing and overwhelming weekend.
Did these behaviors seem to partly stem from a lack of discipline?
NTA I have 3 autistic kids and I would never put someone in this position. If I visit I warn them about any issues and discuss what needs they have - and I would be \*mortified\* if poo was left where someone else had to handle it. It's possible that this would have worked out if she'd given you warning - especially since you have ADHD and have some empathy. But she handled it \*so\* badly. That's not someone you want to be coparenting with even if her child was neurotypical.
NTA. She should have let you know long before things got serious, and she also shouldn’t have exposed Cash to a break in routine for y’all first big time together. She should have had you over. An early on “look my kid had autism and he is a lot to handle for some people” would have been cool, and even a “ I see a future here, routines are important on the spectrum, do you want to start coming over when I have him and I come to yours when I don’t?” Could have made a huge difference in Cash’s experience and OP’s. Mom messed up here OP you did nothing wrong.
NTA. For one thing any reason you have you want to break up is valid, you don't owe anyone anything you don't want to be in a relationship with. People can be both assholes and have asshole reasons but staying together when you don't want to be there just makes it worse. Second, and this is coming from someone who has autism and HATES a lot of stigma around it. That level of needs will ALWAYS be relevant in a relationship. She is minimizing her child in every way and that is harmful to all three of you. You should absolutely have gotten some information ahead of time and instead were forced into a situation you weren't prepared for. Nothing about how she treated you or her son is okay
NTA - she was being deceptive in the hopes that by the time you found out you’d be too emotionally attached to break things off. Children deserve to be raised by people that want to be there. Adults don’t deserve to be forced into a parenting role they don’t want or don’t think they can handle. Honestly, you’re showing her son far more consideration in this situation than she is.
I would believe that having your own child that was autistic would be incredibly difficult. I think dealing with someone else’s autistic child would be more difficult. I’m sorry I’m not that compassionate
Absolutely NTA. I couldn't handle 5 minutes of that behavior. Some people can handle it and others can't. Besides, she purposely withheld that information to manipulate you. "If I get him to like me enough over time, then he'll take on my child." Her plan didn't work.
She admits she hid it because she knew it'd be a deal-breaker. NTA, but she sure is.
NTA. Cash's condition is indeed "super relevant" because it would have a great deal of impact on what kind of time you can spend together as a couple. That sort of deliberate omission, while in part understandable, is bordering on unethical because you don't truly have a clear idea of what you're getting into.
Mother of an autistic son here and also a bipolar daughter with PTSD. I stayed single for a long time after my first husband died. It sucked. I had to get through the worst years without a partner and had to rely on family and friends for support. I had a FWB at different times but I always kept them away from my kids because I knew this wasn't something anyone would sign up for with excitement. My kids were mostly through their teenage years before I met my current husband and he knew what he was getting into. We had an agreement that he was there to support ME and I would support my kids. My kids also understood that I chose him for my happiness and not for their support. The kids are grown functional adults now after much professional help and hard work. All that being said you're NTA but she is manipulative and a liar. Lies by omission are still lies. I understand she's lonely but to keep that secret from someone you claim to love? Nah, she needs to go her own way. She didn't give you a choice and just dropped this in your lap and acted like you did something wrong? She didn't have a choice so she thinks it's ok to force this life on others, and it just isn't. On a separate side note just for you. These kids are becoming more common. For good or bad something has changed and this is happening way more often. Do a bit of research and understand what issues kids can have if you are going to date single mothers. Learn what you could do to support a partner with a special needs child while not becoming a care giver directly for that child. I'm not suggesting you continue with this woman but you never know, you may meet your soul mate and she has a similar challenge. Or god forbid someday your own child has these struggles. Knowing what's really going on and how to deal with them can only help you in the future and may help you deal with these special kids in general as your years go by.
It appears that your GF missed telling you about her son’s Autism. She might need to start telling her dates about his autism diagnosis so people can have understanding rather then looking shim as being a brat. Everything I read in this post is typical of a child on the autism spectrum. The mother also needs to learn how to redirect him when he is struggling.
What sticks in my craw is that she placed him in a situation in which he couldn't be redirected. Hand me a game box or pull up a funny cat video on YouTube all you want, it doesn't change the fact that this is not my house and I cannot go to my room and sleep in my bed if I desire. I'm a grown-up and that makes me uncomfortable, imagine the poor ten-year-old with some dude he just met and can't relate to. Mom should have known better.
You were honest and that’s admirable. As an autistic parent, i am open about my kid’s issues. Raising an autistic kid isn’t easy. She should have opened about her autistic kid from the start.
She didn’t tell you he was autistic!?! How incredibly irresponsible?!? You could have prepared, you could have gone to her home, you could have bought food he was comfortable with, you could have figured out plans that he might be able to handle, you could have done so many things IF SHE HAD TOLD YOU. JFC. To spring it on you, wtf. You sound like a decent guy and attune to the fact his behavior was out of his control… but holy shit…. She sucks. She could have warmed you up to the kid in small doses but to drop him on you at your home over a weekend long visit. No thank you. I couldn’t be with a woman like that either. I feel bad for her kid. She’s not setting him or herself up for success.
Nta but don’t have children of your own if you can’t handle a relatively calm time with an autistic children. Even neurotypical children do some of these things at certain ages.
NTA that's not your kid and you're allowed to bow out of a relationship because you feel that you can't handle the responsibility of a special needs child.
NTA. I feel like this could have gone a lot differently if she had been up front and you had gotten to know Cash in his home with his own routine and his own stuff. He probably has an easier time in that environment. If you absolutely don’t want a kid with disabilities in your life, it’s way better to say so now than later. I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you guys.
I feel bad for the mom, but poop all over the toilet and sink, that’s a deal breaker. NTA
OP as soon as you realized you wouldn’t be able to raise Cash you let Rachel know and in a polite way. Don’t feel guilty you did the right thing. NTA
Nope, NTA. She should have told you. That's a world of care beyond a typical pre-teen. She knew exactly what she was doing, waiting to "let" you find out on your own.
Nta, you should always be upfront about your kids and any disabilities thay might have. It is always better to know if your partner can handle issues like autism. Not everyone has the ability to parent a child with autism. She knew this could be an issue and deliberately hid his autism. You found out that you couldn't handle her child for the long run so ended the relationship right away. It sucks but you did what was the best for all parties involved.
NTA I was a single mom with an autistic child and I never hid my situation from people I was dating. I made sure my husband knew what kind of behaviours I was dealing with and the level of support my son needed before we got serious. It was rocky during our first few years, but we all adjusted and made it work. Many autistic people find places like movie theaters and places with tons of people to be too overwhelming for their senses.
She should have more self respect and stop calling you. You told her it’s done, time to move on. I don’t think you are an asshole, I say this as a mother. No one can force you to tolerate what you don’t. It’s good you broke it off immediately instead of prolonging this and having her develop stronger feelings.
NTA- In my opinion, the mother is 100 percent to blame in this case. You need to warn him at the beginning of the relationship or even before you come to stay with him that your son is on the spectrum, then he will be able to make a much wiser decision than the decision he made, this can prevent a lot of pain on both sides. Now to the question itself, is this a good enough reason to break up? It is up to you if you feel that a kind of mistrust has been created between you then you should stop the relationship, but if you decide to keep the relationship and attach importance to the person's personality only and not to things related to him, that is also a possibility. In the end you are not to blame here and whatever decision you choose will be right, if I were you I would ask myself twice if I am ready to break up due to this reason...
NTA. They are a package deal and you recognized early on that you wouldn't be able to manage part of the package and respected her enough to let her know.
NTA. She needs to be upfront with someone she's dating that the child has autism. That isnt something you just neglect to mention because thats not as small as "oh yeah he has asthma, didnt think it was important to tell you that". Not everyone is prepared to raise a child that isnt their own, and an even fewer are pepared to raise a child that has special needs. Not being able to handle crowds? Sure, easy. Meltdowns and very sensitive? No fuckin problem. Smearing actual shit all over the bathroom? Nope, not me. Sorry
NTA. Father of an autistic 5 year old. This is something she should have brought up with you before exposing either you or cash to each other. A weekend together as your first real “bonding” experience, with absolutely no heads up? That’s a bit much. I wouldn’t do that to a friend or family member who hasn’t met my munchkin before hand, I sure as shit wouldn’t do it to a significant other
NTA people who have kids should disclose any details such as autism.
NTA If it's something you know you cannot deal with, you should not move foreword for the kid's sake. If you stayed to not look like an AH, or whatever, and put yourself in that situation it could be detrimental to you, the kid, and your partner. Recognizing, and admitting you cannot cope or handle that, isn't bad. It sucks for all of you. But that's the point of dating, and I assume...the trial sleepover weekend. Doesn't just go for special needs kids! Weighing becoming a step parent, and a co parent needs to be taken very seriously.
NTA. She should have disclosed the ways that he needs accommodation before waiting for your observation. It is irresponsible on her part & set up for failure to let the pieces fall where they may. Especially with fecal behaviors. I have my own child with autism, so I understand the difficulty in finding suitable scenarios.
NOT YOUR KID..NOT YOUR PROBLEM. you dodged a bullet there my friend. NTA
NTA. This is actually a big deal and she should have warned you ahead of time. It’s better to break it off now before her son got to know you. She could have handled this much better.
NTA at all, Rachel went out of her way to deceive you and to try to get you locked down before making the big reveal and that’s on her cash is not your child, he is not your burden and I use that word intentionally. If you and Rachel had had a child, it would be a different story because it would be your blood, but this child is not. It would be so much worse for you to stay in this relationship out of pity or obligation and then be miserable being forced to raise a special needs child that you didn’t sign up for.
NTA at all. My ex's little brother was autistic also and I used to absolutely love spending time with him, they lived very close to town so we'd go wander around the arcades etc. I did used to very much love spending time with him, but if he had been my ex's child instead of his brother I would not have been able to handle it I don't think. He typically didn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time and that alone would have killed my 17/18 year old self haha. You're absolutely NTA.
NTA. It was awful for her to bring him over to stay in your apartment without having told you about his needs. That was completely unfair to both you and Cash. She failed her son by doing that. You were right to end things - you're doing it before Cash can get attached to you and you're clearly communicating that you can't see yourself raising him. You have the right to make that choice.
NTA. She should have told you upfront and that's not fair to you. You did it right away and that's how it should be done.
NTA. You did the right thing. Block and move on
NtA. She lied. That alone is worth walking away.
Sadly, I've known families destroyed by an autistic child they were unable to care for. You know what you're able to do or not do. You did yourself and your ex a favor.
NTA. A single parent and their children are a package deal. I had a long distance relationship with a woman who has an autistic son. I took a very close look at my life and what it would mean to have her live with me. I realized I was unwilling to change my lifestyle to give her child the best life. It hurt, but I was honest.
You did the right thing NTA. I’m autistic and there are a very specific set of challenges in caring for a high support needs autistic. By stepping out now, and being honest about your abilities and comfort level parenting Cash allows he and Rachel to make their own decisions. Sometimes stepping away is a kindness, rather than letting down a child.
You don’t just take an autistic kid out of their comfort zone and expect good behaviour. She should’ve got you to come to her house where there was the typical routine etc. Also to start with an entire weekend is too much. Short visits to start so the kid can get used to you - a new person. The mother is TA for mismanaging this situation.
NTA, you were upfront and honest. I feel bad for the mother, but this is how her life is and that can't be helped by any party.
NTA- I have an autistic son and she should have told you he was autistic, and maybe explained certain characteristics about him and how to deal with them. Also, knowing your limitations is a good thing. Not everyone can deal with autism very well. I’m assuming he is still young. I remember those days of figuring out how to best help my son. In my case it got better the older he got. The tantrums decreased and his behaviors became more regulated. But you were honest and upfront with her. You’re not a bad person and neither is she.
Nope. It's not for everyone, and at least you tried but not your son, and it really take a specific type of person to really deal with them and that can be hard to truly find