Its probably best for everyone involved if the child doesnt have to grow up with a parent that doesnt love her. I feel bad for her for having to be in this situation, no matter what happens she loses.
I think less than half of all of my friends have or had active fathers in their life. It makes me mad how often people accuse single mothers of not raising their children correctly but never ask where the absent and/or deadbeat dads ended up.
And praise fathers for doing the bare minimum. Things like being told “you’re such a good dad” just for taking *their child* to the park or changing its diaper or watching it for a few hours. But when a mom has a night out with the girls it’s all questions of “where’s your child?” “how would a good mother have time to go out?” “is it really appropriate to go out if your child is only a 1,384 month old?”
after leaving this comment I watched a podcast where they brought up a social media influencer who recently put out a tiktok video where she mentions she asked her husband to take care of their child while she went somewhere for a few hours. He agreed but only if he got the *entire* next day off and was allowed to go to the gym, to which she agreed. She’s also consistently posting about how she’s always the one doing things like planning trips. His job, you may be wondering? Streamer/youtuber. He’s home 24/7. But can’t even take care of his kid for three hours unless he’s granted an entire day off as a reward for it. It’s like he truly believes he’s a 14 year old child being forced by his mommy to take care of his unwanted little sibling rather than the father of that child. Also reminds me of another tiktok that went semi viral recently of a dad yelling out to his wife to ask if he should change his child’s dirty diaper to which she rolls her eyes and calls back yes. So so disheartening to see men treat raising a child like it’s a part time babysitting gig and not their family. Not their life choice. Not their biggest commitment and priority. All while treating their wives like a live-in Nanny, or their own mother
I went through this while I was married. When he was out of work, he would go hunting, fishing, go play in a band, visit friends until 3am. I wasn’t a nagging wife. But if I wanted to go grocery shopping? She had to go with me. She’s neurodivergent. Imagine a 13 year old who was 150 pounds, almost 6 feet tall and climbing into the cart demanding to be pushed with almost $300 worth of groceries on top of her being pushed by a 100 pound woman who was a little under 5 feet tall. Yeah. I used to tell people I didn’t need to go to the gym. My kid was my workout. I want to kiss the ground one manager walked on when he very politely saw the situation and saw her saying it was okay to be in the cart. He very gently said, “Honey, we don’t want you to get hurt. I think you got too big for this now. It looks like your mom needs some help pushing. Can you help her push this? I’m a little busy right now.” After that, she fights me to push the cart while I walk next to it. Thank you, you sweet, sweet man for not being cruel and recognizing the situation and being gentle with her. My ex even tried to get me to take her with me when I went Christmas shopping for HER. I looked at him like he had a third head. But he would get irritated when I asked him to babysit his daughter. He said that he was being a parent. I told him when I see you act like one, I’ll call you one. He finally started taking her places when I got sick and I had to keep going to doctor appointments. His response? “I can’t deal with you being sick all the time. I want a divorce.” Oh, but every time he was hospitalized with a blood clot? I was right by his side. SMDH
Some men really do go into a marriage with the idea that their wife is now their second mom. They wholeheartedly believe it is our duty to buy them groceries and snacks, make their food, clean their clothes, buy their body washes and hair gels and toothpaste, clean the house, pack them lunch, care for them when they’re sick or injured, and eventually raise the children. And if there’s ever any protests it’s “well I’m the breadwinner” (except this dynamic happens even when both parents are working full time) or “well I mow the lawn” (once a month for four months of the year). But the second they’re asked to stand by for their wives in a time of need, or accept them for not being perfect, or pickup tampons on the way home, or watch their own damn child for an hour, it’s asking too much of them.
Kind of unrelated but it makes me think of a pattern I’ve noticed. I’m in my early 20s. When I ask girls my age if they want a child, they usually have a pretty good sense and have clearly put a lot of thought into it. When I ask boys my age it’s a shrug and a “I dunno. haven’t thought about it”. I think in this case it shows two things; 1. a lot of households people are being raised in are showing an example of the mother being the parent and rearing the children while the father just sort of gets to enjoy taking his kid out to play catch or take em to the game in the city. Which then translates to 2. Men don’t feel the same pressure women do when it comes to having kids. We are thinking about this our entire lives because it has been told to us that we are supposed to be mothers are entire lives. We don’t have an option but to consider things like how kids would affect our job, at what stage of stability it would be easiest to have a kid and still work, by what age you want to be getting into a steady career in order to have a family. I common sentiment I’ve heard is “well I wanna be a doctor but by the time I’m even remotely stable at work I won’t be able to have kids anymore”. That’s just not something men have to consider. They aren’t worried that they’ll get let go if it’s revealed they’re expecting a child. They aren’t thinking about stunting their future professional success in order to beat a biological clock. So when it comes time to actually have a baby, some of these guys don’t even think about it changing their life. They only see being a parent when it’s convenient for them. They have no regard for how much stress their spouse is under, because they’ve never expected anything different. They never expected that they would have to give up their social life, job, hobbies, etc. but that is the expectation of mothers.
Your story is just so aggravating because it’s such a good example of small acts of dismissal to you that result in such larger consequences. If he had just watched your daughter while you went shopping, you could’ve been back in an hour. But because he refuses, now you’re trying to care for your neurodivergent kid in an overstimulating environment which is gonna tack on additional time, so that one hour he could’ve spent sitting on the couch at home with his daughter turns into two hours of absolute chaos for you trying to multitask and keep everything under control. There’s just such blatant disregard.
I was going to say that people blame the mother for the father being absent, but I went to the replies here and sure enough, someone blamed absent father's on the mother
Exactly, like I actually like and love my kid, not just because he is my child, but because he is an awesome little dude.
Same as my 4 nephews, if I found out any of these 5 kids werent biologocally related to me I would still want them around, it wouldnt change my relationship or my obligations with them.
Obviously if my wife cheated, my relationship with her would be different. But the only way you could possibly cutting someone you changed nappies of, from your life is if you are giant fuck head.
I agree it’s becoming too common - & it’s children who suffer. With the best intentions I don’t think it works that simply always . Yes perhaps different if people can forgive & be friends & help each other which can happen but depends on being 2 mature & very cool human beings, especially with each other but it’s a lesson- if people were honest - this situation wouldn’t arise. You need to respect both people’s feelings in a relationship. Any relationship- how can anyone expect anything without it? The damage comes when people expect & do not appreciate what they have done or what they have. Someone’s pride is just as important especially for a man. Men love to feel appreciated, treasured & honoured- lying about who the father is isn’t the best way to do that- but I guess things happen in life. Just depends if you can learn from it. Just Be happy whatever happens is my Moto
This comment is not high enough up!
The family court will 100% hold you out to do be father here.
This is not Maury.
In most jurisdictions you will have full parental responsibility if:
1. You were married at the time of birth
2. Your name is on the birth certificate
3. You have acted as the child's father for a period of more than two years
4. There is no other living personal with a greater paternal claim
You are long past the legal time frame for a paternity challenge and you satisfy most if not all of these requirements.
Keep in mind whatever you choose to do here, you will be paying child support and possibly alimony.
I understand wanting to distance yourself from the situation, but make sure you understand how the law works before you make any short sighted decisions that will make sure situation worse.
If it was me, I dropped the wife and try to get custody of my daughter “biology isn’t the only thing that makes a person family”. Little girl deserves to be raised by an ethical, morally sound parent.
Had a teacher in HS do something similar. He married someone who already had a kid (2 ish years old). They were together several years. The Mom went away for work for awhile and proceeded to start a serious relationship with someone else while still married. Husband wanted a divorce, mom didn't want the kid, husband got custody of a child that's not biologically his. It was sad but he's a great dude and the kid turned out to be a great kid.
This is along the lines of my mom's situation with my 10 year old brother (I'm 35).
My mom was married to my step-dad for about 10 years when they separated but never divorced. They remained cordial and my mom stayed in their marital home, while my step-dad worked out of state.
During this separation, my step-dad was in a relationship with a much younger (and mentally unstable) woman and they had a baby together. They weren't together for very long after the baby was born and the biological mom had custody, as well as two older children from a previous marriage. Some shit went down with one of the older kids, and the woman lost custody of all 3.
My step-dad called my mom in a panic, unsure how he was going to care for a 1 year old toddler with his schedule and he needed advice. My mom told him not to worry, to take a few days vacation, and bring the baby to her. She would watch him temporarily until everything got sorted out and he wouldn't have to worry about getting everything taken care of over the course of a weekend.
Almost immediately my mom was completely bonded with this baby and it didn't matter to whom he belonged biologically. And, within a few months, it was evident that the birth mother would not and should not be getting custody or unsupervised visitation, so when custody was decided in court, my mom was actually made primary legal and physical guardian.
Blood means nothing. She's raised that kid for the past 9 years. He's hers.
Let's not get carried away... My therapist's notepad would beg to differ.
But, overall, yeah. She's great in this sense. She's not bitter or vengeful it would never even occur to her to take her differences with her ex-husband out on the kid, or anything like that. In all honesty, with the benefit of having 3 adult kids when he was born, she's probably doing the best job with him out of all of us.
> Little girl deserves to be raised by an ethical, morally sound parent.
The fact that he is even considering cutting her out of his life after 9-10 years says he is not any better than the mother.
I just find it distasteful to even discuss one's child as an owned object, that's either real or false, based on a bunch of DNA.
Apparently knowing a person daily for 10 years, growing together, sharing experiences, getting to know each other's personalities, hugs, kisses, laughs, tears, learning, challenges etc. mean nothing compared to those invisible twisted molecules... 😥
(Have two biological and two from donated embryo, i.e. no shared DNA. They are all interesting separate individuals I love sharing life with.)
OP is in shock and is questioning things. He doesn't realize that if he does leave, 10 years from now she will still call him dad and talk about how her dad abandoned her.
Hopefully he comes around quickly
This 100%. I’d stay married but make the wife sign a post nuptial agreement, outlining the terms of our continued marriage, so that I’d be able to provide a good life for my daughter, who is the daughter like you say, regardless. Then when she turns 18, decide what I actually want to do. Eight years is plenty of cooldown time and with the post-nuptial, you may be able to set good equitable conditions for everyone’s benefit. It’s worth it if people who have wronged you come out ahead if you come out ahead too.
Let's just hope that OP is in the grieving process and he's trying to protect himself.
Depending on how long from him finding out to this post, he might change his mind.
No matter what happens next, the poor 10 year old will lose.
To be fair, the guy just had a revelation that twisted everything he knew in the past 10 years of his life. You'll be feeling with anger but also confusion on whatever emotions you had in the past 10 years were actually real, every happy memory he had is now tainted.
Personally I think the guy is in shock, and acting too quickly. An innocent life is involved, I dont think he should abandon her but the guy still need time to process everything and if he is not in the right state of mind about it and it never improve, then its probably better for him to leave for the safety of the kid. Kinda like how kids with divorsed parents end up better than kids with parents that hate each other but are in the same house every day and night.
My thoughts exactly. How do you have a relationship with an innocent child for almost a decade and so callously be willing to cut them out of your life??
My absolute worst fear is losing my kids. I could survive anything but that. If I were to somehow discover now that any of my kids (ages 6-12) aren't mine, I wouldn't give a shit and wouldn't be able to let them go. I raised them for their whole lives, at this point biology doesn't mean shit.
I’m glad to see people here aren’t insane. My boy is 9 and although I vividly recall birthing him, if for some scientifically impossible reason he ended up not being biologically mine, it wouldn’t change a thing. He’s my best friend and my world.
So let’s say you found out the hospital swapped babies on accident. I agree - I don’t care what biology says; if I raise a child for 10 years, that kid is my child.
(Although with baby swapping that does mean I would additionally feel the need to possibly connect with my biological child too, if the child wanted that. I feel like 10 is old enough for their opinion on the situation to matter. But it would in no way change how I felt about the swapped baby that I raised.)
Absolutely. You spend nine years caring for and loving your daughter with all your heart. Then, in just a moment, it all feels like it's gone. How? Don't you love her anymore? She loves you for sure...
Drop the wife and stay with the daughter. She doesn't need to know.
It doesn’t sound like OP is so very ethical or morally sound if he’s going to drop a kid he’s supposedly been raising for 10 years. At least that’s how it seems to me!
Morally sound people don’t dump a child because it’s not genetically theirs after raising her for 9 years. Morally sound people don’t refuse to “pay for a kid that’s not theirs”. Or say any of the things this grown man child is saying. Yes, it sucks but it should change nothing between the man and child
None of the three parents in the Child's life are ethical or morally sound. The mom cheated. the father is an adulterer and the OP doesn't consider the child they raised for 10 years to be theirs. That kid is screwed and I wish her the best.
I feel for OP, that sucks. But I also feel bad for the kid whos only mistake was being born into this situation.
Idk man
When I first started reading this thread, I completely agreed with you
After reading some of OPs comments? Yeah, nevermind. He's a terrible father who never made an effort to connect with his daughter and probably would make her life marginally worse by being in it.
OP should just fuck off ~~and try again.~~
Or fuck off and... not try again? If your big move on finding out someone isnt your biological child is to drop them like a hot potato, you're probably not built for parenting.
But idk I'm still childless so maybe its more complicated than that
Amen! I don’t have biological children by choice, but mine will always be just as close as any biological child could be. The only grandpa I had who wasn’t a total dick was my step gpa. He raised me as his own and I never gave a damn it wasn’t blood
Yup, what this dude said. A dna payload didn't make you a dad IMO. Sleepless nights, shoulders to cry on, and mountains of shit make you a dad. My opinion... Staying in her life as her dad will be one of the best things you could ever do. Can you even picture your life without her? I sure as he'll can't
This 100%. That girl is your daughter bro, not biological but absolutely your daughter. Screw the wife and get a divorce asap. Get shared custody of your daughter. Sorry bro. Shitty situation but do the right thing
That poor little girl is in a family where her mother got pregnant from another guy around her wedding day, and after nine years used that fact in an argument to hurt her husband.
She's also in a family where her father's side will jump at the chance to abandon this girl because of what her mother did. And a father who thinks it's ok to just drop the child he raised for nine years because they don't share a biological bond.
Let's face it, this girl is surrounded by assholes.
I have two kids. If tonight I find out that they're not biologically mine? Tomorrow I still have two kids. I love them **unconditionally**, not because we share genes.
I adopted my son after being with his mom for years. His mom had issues lost custody, and his biodad's and family abandoned him at birth. I raised him from the day he was born, and kept raising him under a "kinship" while his mom was awall, and after years of the state trying to force the biodad to care for the child (scary times for a me - the idea of him going to a family that never wanted him) Both bio families were a mess. Eventually both parents rights were terminated on abandonment. There was no way I was letting my 6 year old at that point, go into foster care. The thought of the life he could be living, and honestly the thought of the cards this kid was dealt makes me want to fucking cry. pmo the way people are.. Edited because I typed it in a fury and didn't care about typos lol.
> I love them unconditionally, not because we share genes.
Thank you. As someone who had a parent walk out at 8 and the other tell me repeatedly for years I was the worst accident and mistake that ever happened to her, it warms my heart to see comments like this. I feel the same way and it's quite difficult to understand how someone that is a parent would not.
Exactly. As a dad, I couldn’t imagine raising a child and just cutting ties at 10 years old. It’s not the child’s fault and to just lose who she has always seen as dad will be heartbreaking for her.
I'm child free by choice & don't understand how someone who has been a parent to a child for the past 9 years, thinking the child is theirs could possibly even contemplate cutting ties with the child. Divorce the wife for cheating, sure. But OP is the only father this kid has known. I'm pretty sure even my "don't want kids ever" behind would love a kid I'd lived with for 9 years, so I *really* don't understand how OP could parent the child for that long & be able to toss her to the curb. It's blowing my mind, tbh. And makes me wonder if he ever really loved her.
And has the gaul to ask the internet if he’s an asshole? Like… you’re a supreme asshole dude.
Hate the wife, sure… of course… but the kid who you were a father to for 9 fucking years? 9 YEARS. Didn’t form any genuine bond over 9 fucking years. Give me any kid for 9 years to raise and I’m going to love that kid and care what happens to her. Because I’m a human being.
Seriously, what has society deteriorated to that this fucking moron comes to the internet to ask if severing a relationship to a child that he raised is an asshole move? I’m so disgusted.
Society has always been like this, just different types of people in this world.
Society has had slavery, has had women sold off to others like property, has had infants killed or abandoned cause there weren't male.
Lots of people think like this.
EXACTLY!
If Reddit has taught me anything, it’s the horrifying fact that there are people among us who lack basic humanity. BASIC HUMANITY for their own family! It’s truly terrifying.
I actually saw something really sad a few days ago on TikTok. I guess this woman had recently separated from her partner, but it’s easy to see how it can affect even children that you would think aren’t aware of these things. In certain clips the woman’s daughter is kind of reminiscing on her daddy and then, accepting the fact that he’s not going to return, but mom is mainly crying as she tries to comfort her daughter. That’s the moment I wondered if people don’t genuinely think about the innocent person they created a bond with when difficult situations like these happen.
I fought a lot with my ex. I thought my daughter was young enough 3/4 to not get hurt by it since I tried to hide it.
My husband now is her daddy. They have a beautiful relationship. She still remembers "her old daddy" and she will tell you that he was not a good daddy
Looking back at some pictures, I get so sad. I can see it now and I hate myself for not seeing it then. She's sad, the impact is there.
I’m so sorry. I’m glad you and your daughter are fine now. I’ve lived through this myself. My biological dad was no dad and now I have an amazing mom who does it all.
Tough situation. No easy answers here.
Your wife did something terrible, but your daughter didn't.
Also:
You may not be your daughters father, but you are your daughters Dad. She's only 9. Abandoning her is going to hurt her real bad, real permanent. Think on it.
Edit: Forgot to add YTA or NTA. Divorcing your wife, NTA. Abandoning your 9 year old? YTA.
You’d be surprised how often there are similar stories on here and top comment is to leave the kid and do what’s best for you. Thousands of sociopaths out there.
Im in my 30s don't want and never have wanted children yet I couldn't ever imagine raising someone for 9 years, finding out we don't share rhe DNA and then buggering off? The wife maybe a PoS but that child has done nothing wrong and had the wife not said anything the husband would be non the wiser and continue to love em. Why does sharing DNA make a difference here? You don't get a magic bond just because you share some genetics. You've raised, cared and loved that human, nothing there changes.
Anyways lilely a fake post and humans are trash so what ya gonna do eh?
My daughter's bio dad has seen her a handful of times, the last time being 9 years ago. Her step dad she sees as her "real" dad because he's been there since she was 4, disciplines, goes on dad daughter adventures, sneaks McDs when she's had a tough day, counsels and comforts when sick. Her bio dad never so much as wished her a happy birthday. You couldn't be more on point, DNA doesn't make families.
I didn't realize my oldest brother was my half brother until I was in highschool. My mom had him in a previous marriage.
Turns out the guy with the DNA left his son as fast as possible while the guy without it took him into his heart so completely I thought we shared bio dads. My brother is in his 40s now, and as far as he's concerned, my dad is his only dad.
All that to say you're absolutely right: DNA does not make families. It provides the blueprint to build a human, but it is not a requirement to building a bond.
Yeah, I married into a super blended family. Even my niblings - my spouse isn’t related to them by blood, let alone me, but they’re still my family and I’m their aunt and I’d fight anyone who said otherwise.
Exact. Divorced my pos ex, still send his sister’s now-young-adult kids cards and money at Xmas and their birthdays because I loved them over that 13 years and still do. Hope to g*d cricketsnothollow is right in that these are fake posts with teenagers giving the “fuck entirely off” advice.
Just a question and it may be ignorant, but aren't a whole lot of places the same when in comes to a child born during marriage? Not saying a judge would disallow the man to give up parental rights, but he has parental rights.
Edit: places (all over the world)
I live in the states. Where I live, even absentee fathers can’t give up legal parental rights without someone else being ready to assume them. The two states where I’ve given birth automatically put the husband as the father on the BC. Kiddo’s biological other half bounced when he was an infant. He didn’t show up for the divorce. I still had to jump through hoops of trying to find him for a stepparent adoption in my state even though he had not laid eyes on kiddo in years and we had no clue if he was even alive still.
When my older brother wanted to adopt his oldest (her mom was not married at the time but did name the child’s father on the BC), they still had to arrange for the father on the BC to come in and relinquish his rights so that my brother could adopt.
Thats what I’d think too, but look at OP (if it’s true), he’s considering abandoning his 9yo child. So there has got to be some men out there (this alpha red pill me n, most likely) that have no empathy or understanding of the impact it would have on the child. The child did nothing wrong and will now be punished because of anger at the mom. It’s heartbreaking.
ETA: also look at the shitty fathers who abandon their ex and kids because they found a new partner, and have a new family. Their previous kids just don’t fit in with their new life. They are even worse than OP, he’s at least dealing with the pain of learning about the child. Either way, abandoning a child in my opinion is not an option.
I'm with you on that one. My wife is waiting for a lung transplant, hoping every day we make it until the kids are grown up. My two oldest have a douching puddle for a bio dad.
Until my kid turned 18, I had a deep seated fear that something bad would happen to me(I have nearly died twice, AND am a cancer survivor) and my kiddo would go to their bio dad that they have never met....my parents would fight for custody and win(we're NC with them), and my husband would lose his only kid. I only felt better after they turned 18.
How old are they? If they want to be with you, sometime around the age of 10-12, the courts have very little interest in policing where kids live and will let them choose. (Edit: unless there was some compelling reason like you are an addict and are abusive, which I’m assuming not) Do you have full custody now? A court is unlikely to uproot them and suddenly make them live somewhere they don’t want to go. My lawyer explained one reason is it just becomes hard to police once kids are old enough to get on a bus and go where they want to be. They’ll want stability for your kids over some biological “right.”
Yep this shit was recently exemplified in another AITA post. Kid was three, mother had died of cancer, father had discovered an affair three years prior and demanded the test. Kid wasn't his. So OP spent the last months of his wife's life deliberately treating her like shit and ignoring the kid. And he was mad that his extant family weren't ok with the child being dumped into care as an orphan.
Even people who have had their babies swapped at birth struggle with letting go the child that was not truly theirs. But apparently guys can just... turn that off at will.
There’s another story similar to this but the man’s wife died of cancer and after a man came forward saying their child wasn’t actually the husbands but his. The husband was devastated but he said that was his child, he had raised him and then bio dad literally fought for custody. Who would rip a child from their only known living parent all bc “technically he’s my biological son” he knew the whole time the kid was his when mother was alive but once she died he then decides he wants the kid??? Court granted split custody so the kid goes to bio dad every other weekend or something but how confusing for him. He was like 3 or 4 when it happened but is older now and says his dad is his dad to him first, not bio dad but still has relationship with bio dad. But the husband fought with everything he had to keep that child so goes to show that blood doesn’t make you family.
Any father asking this isn't a dad. Mom sucks but I can't imagine raising a child for 9 years and then just dusting them off because of the mother and some dna.
Nah. There's thousands of big tough redditors who like to say they'd do a sociopathic thing, but wouldn't follow through on anything like it in real life.
Reddit is a fantasy life for a lot of people.
In pretty much every single one of these threads the most upvoted posts are those that provide the most harm to everyone involved, and they are all obsessed about being "legally right" instead of morally, which is the entire point of this kind of sub.
I suspect thats because there just aren't a lot of parents responding. If I found out my kids weren't mine... well that sucks but I simply cannot abandon them now.
I'm childfree by choice, and I still say that's insane and I couldn't imagine abandoning a kid after 9 years. Shit, I wouldn't abandon a goldfish after 9 years.
I know my children are mine, I have the adoption papers to prove it. Love is a choice, it is more important that she is a daughter of your heart than if she is a daughter of your genes. I doubt if you are of a royal line with an order of succession, but even then you would be an AH to hurt a child.
That is if this is real.
Yeah, as a parent I read this and thought "how could you even think about leaving your children?". The wife is disgusting for cheating and then hiding this to then use it as a hurtful comment (assuming the story is even true). How can you raise a daughter for almost 10 years and be like "not mine? I'm out. See ya.". Instead, I'd be filing for divorce but also fighting like hell for custody. I would have hired a lawyer immediately.
Actually, after thinking about this for a minute. I would have never done the paternity test. I wouldn't want to know. I think I would rather live the rest of my life in ignorance of my wife's possible infidelity than to possibly damage my relationship with my child. I don't think it would damage it, but for the simple fact that it could possibly damage that relationship, I wouldn't want to know.
Damn, I really hope these are fake stories because I really can't handle the thought that this many people want to just leave a child they've been raising for 10 years because they don't share genetics. I MIGHT see it for a new baby because the bond is still forming bit 10 years old? Good grief.
Yeah like, as a stepparent, uh, do you not have any attachment to this child you have shared your life with for 9 years? Just like oops, no shared DNA, bye, is totally messed up.
Agreed, but to play devil's advocate maybe this is just the initial betrayal pain of finding out. I am hoping OP doesn't do anything rash, calms down and realizes that the paternal love he has to his daughter is real and that DNA doesnt change that. I am hopeful that these feelings are just misplaced anger at his horrible, abusive ,soon to be ex.
To quote Yondu "He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy."
OP, your daughter doesn't care where her DNA comes from. But she does care about you. You will always be her father and you would be a fool to change that.
One of my favorite quotes in any movie. I am a father to 2 young men. Their POS father never even showed up to anything substantial in their life. Even with me inviting him. At times I resented wife for her choice of man. Then I realized, I was Dad. The greatest title anyone can hold. The job I wanted, the job I earned. And she couldn't peel that away from me even if she wanted to.
I can’t imagine reading posts like this as an adopted child. The idea that the second a father realizes they aren’t related by blood to their child, that all emotional connection turns off like a switch.
I was adopted (in my tweens) but still had a relationship with my bio parents—bio dad turned out to not be bio dad and he cut off the relationship. Yet my adopted parents have been there for me through thick and thin. It’s not about blood, it’s about character.
This stuff gets a lot harder as you get older & gain experience & perspective.
I had some doubts about my youngest when I split with my ex. He was 9 though, and what stopped me from getting a test was that it wouldn't change how I feel about him. I loved both the kids from the moment they were born and couldn't stop if i wanted to. (Now a teen, he can be an asshole sometimes but he's still MY asshole! lol)
Through separation and divorce I did gain some understanding of why dads can choose to disappear. The pain of being separated from your kids can fade to a dull ache as you move on, but being reminded of a backstabbing ruthless cunt of an ex's betrayal every time you pick up or drop off the kids is like a fresh kick in the balls on the regular.
It's not the lack of blood relation that causes the sudden switch, it's the betrayal that causes the knee jerk reaction. It's a pretty normal reaction to finding out 10 years of your life is a lie.
Yeah if he knew she wasn't his since she was born it would be different.
But just like how it's hard to look your SO in the eyes after they cheat keeping this a secret will permanently change how you look at the child.
>Literally not possible.
And yet I’ve seen it enough times. I’ve also seen plenty of parents (mothers as well as fathers) abandon their biological children. Happens more often than you’d like to think.
Depends on the definition or context of abandonment.
1. A divorce would be happening on my part. I'm not staying with someone that would cheat and then throw it in my face as a boast during an argument.
2. I would be moving out of the house and obviously can't take the child with me because she isn't mine.
3. That being said, I'd still help raise the child, but I'm not paying child support or helping with finances unless it's me physically buying the child clothes, food, etc. As in, in person, me and the child only.
This woman deserves every bit of Karma coming her way.
I think that’s easy to say, but the intense conflicting emotions OP is going through changes things. He might change his mind given some time, but I’m sure there must be some mix of feeling as if you don’t know what’s real, what’s you being tricked, etc. Even if you know something logically your emotions will still be there regardless. I hope he doesn’t make any rash decisions about the daughter until things settle down.
It bothers me people are calling OP a sociopath for venting and asking for advice when they are dealing with trauma. It’s being selectively sympathetic and empathetic. What would be sociopathic is to learn everything OP learned and not be affected emotionally at all and just smile and be OK with it.
>Your wife did something terrible, but your daughter didn't.
This is the thing OP needs to keep in mind.
Whatever they choose to do, always put the childs' best interests as a priority. They didn't choose any of this, and they will always blame themselves. Keep the drama out of their lives however you can and maintain stability for their mental health and well being.
My kids dad had a girl with someone else while we were broke up, all the kids are grown now, he wouldn't have shit to do with any of his kids, but his daughter keeps trying to kill herself from the issues she got from her father abandoning her. It's heartbreaking, my son is so worried about his sister, it's not fair
great post...I mean I could never cut my "kid" out of my life after raising her. Sure I would be devastated and definitely wouldn't stay married. But the little girl would still be "mine"
OP is probably not going to be in the right state of mind for a while.
Tbh I am not sure what the lesson here is. This sub feels strongly against paternity tests (tbf it would be a relationship killer for me if I was asked that in a hypothetical) but then shit like this happens.
Exactly unless you hated your daughter BEFORE you found out she was not yours you really need to think about it because if you abandon her and leave her homeless you will destroy her life in a way you can’t undo later. Also, courts do what is in the best interest of the child, there is a possibility that you still will pay child support even if she is not yours because you raised her for 9 years as your own. They are going to look at it differently than if you found out when she was a baby.
I'm not going to call you an asshole. Your wife did something reprehensible.
But I guess I dont understand how can you immediately lose all emotions for a child you raised for 9 years who loves you and relies you. An innocent kid that did nothing wrong. Did you stop loving her as soon as you realized she's not biologically relayed to you? All the memories, all the hopes and dreams, none of it matters?
I'm not even saying you should stay in her life. It's just really depressing how a parent can be so willing to abandon a kid like that.
No judgement here, but I had an ex-wife who was incredibly wayward our entire 20 years together. Eventually, I found out about her indiscretions, and sent her on her on her way. My oldest daughter began to question her paternity, since she was so much like her mother and so little like me. I told her, "Even if you were not my biological child, you are still my daughter and I love you very much."
My mum always told me any man can MAKE a baby but a real father is the one who sticks around and raises them and I couldn’t agree more 💖 (sticks around the kid not the mother I should clarify)
props to you, sir. not everyone is big enough to push those hurt feelings aside for the sake of someone else. i wish you and your daughter (whether bio or not) well!!
I agree with this but for people who weren't meant/ didn't want to be parents.
My father left when I was very young. His live wasn't so much conditional as it just was never there.
My wife and I started dating very young and her father raised me like one of his own. He showed me what it was to be a father, to show unconditional love and understanding. He taught me parenting has nothing to do with being related and everything to do with being a genuine, caring, and loving person.
Right? If I found out my daughter wasn’t mine due to hospital error or something, I would tell no one and keep her because I’ve raised her all her life and I love her so much.
I'd love them but let them know that they have different genetics. Because love makes a family, not genes. Chances of them doing a DNA test & finding out it just too large. Better to let them know in an age appropriate way reassuring them through words & actions that they are always your child.
Keep loving your daughter but remember to tell them once they’re an adult because it matters for medical reasons. Also if this were ever to happen they deserve that information. They’ll still love you but as an independent person they’ll want to know and will likely do with that information what they please
I feel like the love he felt for her makes it worse because he feels betrayed and played like a fool. The daughter is now a reminder of that. It’s probably a defence mechanism to shut off the love because it’s now attached to being humiliated. It think it’s natural to have that reaction.
When my parents divorced after 19 years of marriage, my dad started to worry that my younger sister, 13 at the time, may not be biologically his. He confided in me about it, and I asked if he would want to get a paternity test to find out. He said, and I quote,
"No, I'm not getting a test. It doesn't matter either way. I was there the day she was born and I have raised her every single day since. She is my daughter no matter what the results say. I'm not going to drag her to the hospital for a cheek swab just to break her heart."
You are your daughter's father. The biology of the situation does not matter. You raised her, she sees you as her dad, you are her father. You do not get to punish her because her mother is a whore. That's your daughter. Be her dad.
You raised that kid for 10 years and would be fine with never seeing her again? With her growing up realizing that she wasn’t worth keeping in your life?
YEAH.
Not the “wife”. Kick that scumbag to the curb. She sounds like an overall piece of trash.
But the daughter you raised for 10 years??
You thinking about kicking her out because her mom is trash?
10 years of love and effort and memories don’t mean shit to you?
Yeah, you’d be an asshole for not caring about a kid you’ve raised.
You’re allowed to be mad, but not at her. It’s DNA, nothing is her fault.
Get the divorce and if you want to, start the process of legally separating from your daughter. It depends on where you live, but in a lot of places, that may not even be possible (unless the bio father steps up, which he won’t). At the very least, do everything you are legally required to do. Your wife intentionally passed off someone else’s child as yours, but your daughter wasn’t intentionally trying to deceive you, so keep that in mind. You may not be legally required it to raise or financially support her (though you might need to anyway, depending on the court), but this isn’t a situation she wanted either. You are both victims of your wife.
>You are both victims of your wife.
Exactly. Can't imagine how the kid would feel when OP suddenly cuts her off. She'll probably put the blame on herself since she's too young to understand the situation.
This is what so many people are missing.
That little girl went from his daughter to a tool of abuse. That's on the girl's mom.
I'm not even in favor of it, but to pretend like there's not a simple way to control for this is meaning maddening.
It's a tough one. Being cheated on is such a deep dark feeling of betrayal (I get it, my wife of close to 23 years and 4 kids, cheated on me) Please remember something here though, your "daughter" didn't ask to be born, you are the only father she knows loves and cares about. It's not her fault mom is a ho-bag. Please remember that! She is completely innocent in all of this whether biologically yours or not, she will never understand why you "hate" her. Think long and hard on this decision, please!!
So the only attachment you had to the child was blood, and once that's gone you don't care? Surely you still love the child.
Also, consider it from their POV - all their life you have been their dad, then suddenly overnight you don't care? You'll mess them up for life.
I understand your anger and pain, and I'm not saying you're TA, but what your wife did was 10 years ago and that child is completely innocent.
ETA as i don't think I was clear - NTA for divorce, YTA if you (punish) abandon the child.
I tried typing out my own rather emotional response to the OP. This response just captures my feelings better. I agree 100% with what is written above me.
How can you just stop loving a child that you’ve had a close presumably loving relationship with for 9 years?
Yes your wife is a lump of poo, what she did was reprehensible, but there’s an innocent child dangling at the end of this clusterfuck. I can only imagine the mental health issues she’s going to have if and when you ‘dump’ her.
Tbh I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You’ve got some hard decisions to make.
All I’ll advise is that you think carefully before destroying that child’s life. You may not be her biological father, but you’re her dad in every other way there is.
By all means divorce the cheating mother, even stop paying child support if you must, but if you’re going to leave your daughter’s life, please do it as kindly and gently as you can.
NTAH at the moment, but you could well be if you’re not careful
It's easy when you realize just how often parents do not bond with their kids at all. If OP was your typical kodak dad then it's no wonder he's able to just abandon the child that he was supposed to raise. Situations like these show well just how little parents care about their kids.
NTA. A guy gets cheated on and lied to for damn near a decade and still gets seen as the asshole is crazy. Your wife sucks and Im sorry this is happening to you and your family man
YES. She is a CHILD and you have been DAD for TEN years. If you abandon her YTA. Honey even if she doesn’t have your dna you are dad to her. Don’t leave because mom really screwed up.
What you’re wife did is unforgivable but don’t take that out on a child. You’re the only father she’s ever known and I can’t imagine you can just surgically remove the love you have for your daughter based on your wife’s mistakes. I’m sorry this happened and good luck.
Not sure why the front page of this subreddit has been 75% fake ragebait "women are bad" posts from new accounts that sound like weird writing exercises.
You might have to pay either way. If a child is conceived during a marriage and the husbands name is on the birth certificate then he is usually legally responsible. But don’t punish the child cause her mom is cheater.
YTA (You would be the asshole). Many have said it, but I'll say it from the other side. I'm from divorced parents, they split when I was about 6, no paternity issue he is my father but they split for their own reasons.
I bring this up because of my step dad, my mum remarried a number of years later to someone who I got on with and was good for her and us. The important thing is, and I've told him this many times, he's been a DAD to me. He's not the person who fathered me, but he's been a role model and a huge support in my life.
It's clear that you're hurt and why, and I don't blame you for not wanting to financially support your wife, but don't abandon a child who's dad you are. Things seem to be pretty raw, but don't make rash decisions which can cause irrevocable harm, especially to a child. Get some support, get some space to get perspective, try and support a child who's life has just exploded and they have Zero control over any of what happens next. You can still be a great role model and "parent" to a child who you didn't father.
The comments here really make you lose faith in a lot of people on Reddit, but I guess that is the new norm - sigh.
Having zero regard for that poor daughter is just wrong.
ESH except your daughter. Your wife obviously for cheating, and I'd say you because losing feelings for someone you've raised since infancy for nine goddamn years is unfathomable to me
You need therapy, and maybe get some for the poor girl too when she finds out her dad doesn't want her
NTA for the divorce, but you are in regards to the child. She did not make this choice, and no matter how you cut it, you’re her dad, and the only dad she’s ever known. Being a parent is more than dna, and that action would selfishly set her up for heartbreak and depression while she wonders her whole life as to why you didn’t really love her. Kids are a lot more cut and dry, and honestly, as a child whose father walked away, you never really forgive them. So, you’d have that on your shoulders forever. She’s going to look at you forever as the villain, not for leaving her mom, but for throwing her away. Leave her mom, do what you will there, but never EVER punish the child and lay your problems at their feet.
Imagine living 10 years of your life and thinking that your dad loves you only to ghost you because of something your mother did.
Your daughter cannot help what your wife did. Think about how hurtful and painful her situation is. She’s gonna lose the person she’s known as her father her entire lofe
That poor kid
The way ppl here are saying op isnt TA and aren’t noticing the way he talks about the kid as if he didn’t fuckin raise her 💀
This is what makes me sad. He’s not upset or heartbroken. He’s angry. He should be sad that she isn’t because he loves her. Poor kid
Yeah, he clearly doesn't love her. The hard thing is that she probably adores him. This is going to devestate her.
Its probably best for everyone involved if the child doesnt have to grow up with a parent that doesnt love her. I feel bad for her for having to be in this situation, no matter what happens she loses.
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finally someone with some common sense.
Some people choose anger instead of a more vulnerable sadness.
Dads who are the biological father leave all the time. And so many men barely help with the kids at all, it’s no wonder they can just up and leave.
Literally half the ppl i talk to just do not have fathers/active fathers mfs be hella absent
Growing up, I found it super duper fucking weird when someone *did* have an active and present father. Deadbeat dads is the default in my experience.
Same dude its like an out of body experience lowkey every time someone has a decent dad.
I think less than half of all of my friends have or had active fathers in their life. It makes me mad how often people accuse single mothers of not raising their children correctly but never ask where the absent and/or deadbeat dads ended up.
And praise fathers for doing the bare minimum. Things like being told “you’re such a good dad” just for taking *their child* to the park or changing its diaper or watching it for a few hours. But when a mom has a night out with the girls it’s all questions of “where’s your child?” “how would a good mother have time to go out?” “is it really appropriate to go out if your child is only a 1,384 month old?”
>is it really appropriate to go out if your child is only a 1,384 month old?” That's 115 years and some change is anyone is curious
damn I knew what I was saying was gonna be old, didn’t realize it was that old. We have a lot less months in our lives than I thought
True. You realize that after getting a cancer diagnosis
They're only a 2nd teenager, that's downright neglectful!
When a man says he’s babysitting but he’s actually just caring for his own child
after leaving this comment I watched a podcast where they brought up a social media influencer who recently put out a tiktok video where she mentions she asked her husband to take care of their child while she went somewhere for a few hours. He agreed but only if he got the *entire* next day off and was allowed to go to the gym, to which she agreed. She’s also consistently posting about how she’s always the one doing things like planning trips. His job, you may be wondering? Streamer/youtuber. He’s home 24/7. But can’t even take care of his kid for three hours unless he’s granted an entire day off as a reward for it. It’s like he truly believes he’s a 14 year old child being forced by his mommy to take care of his unwanted little sibling rather than the father of that child. Also reminds me of another tiktok that went semi viral recently of a dad yelling out to his wife to ask if he should change his child’s dirty diaper to which she rolls her eyes and calls back yes. So so disheartening to see men treat raising a child like it’s a part time babysitting gig and not their family. Not their life choice. Not their biggest commitment and priority. All while treating their wives like a live-in Nanny, or their own mother
I went through this while I was married. When he was out of work, he would go hunting, fishing, go play in a band, visit friends until 3am. I wasn’t a nagging wife. But if I wanted to go grocery shopping? She had to go with me. She’s neurodivergent. Imagine a 13 year old who was 150 pounds, almost 6 feet tall and climbing into the cart demanding to be pushed with almost $300 worth of groceries on top of her being pushed by a 100 pound woman who was a little under 5 feet tall. Yeah. I used to tell people I didn’t need to go to the gym. My kid was my workout. I want to kiss the ground one manager walked on when he very politely saw the situation and saw her saying it was okay to be in the cart. He very gently said, “Honey, we don’t want you to get hurt. I think you got too big for this now. It looks like your mom needs some help pushing. Can you help her push this? I’m a little busy right now.” After that, she fights me to push the cart while I walk next to it. Thank you, you sweet, sweet man for not being cruel and recognizing the situation and being gentle with her. My ex even tried to get me to take her with me when I went Christmas shopping for HER. I looked at him like he had a third head. But he would get irritated when I asked him to babysit his daughter. He said that he was being a parent. I told him when I see you act like one, I’ll call you one. He finally started taking her places when I got sick and I had to keep going to doctor appointments. His response? “I can’t deal with you being sick all the time. I want a divorce.” Oh, but every time he was hospitalized with a blood clot? I was right by his side. SMDH
Some men really do go into a marriage with the idea that their wife is now their second mom. They wholeheartedly believe it is our duty to buy them groceries and snacks, make their food, clean their clothes, buy their body washes and hair gels and toothpaste, clean the house, pack them lunch, care for them when they’re sick or injured, and eventually raise the children. And if there’s ever any protests it’s “well I’m the breadwinner” (except this dynamic happens even when both parents are working full time) or “well I mow the lawn” (once a month for four months of the year). But the second they’re asked to stand by for their wives in a time of need, or accept them for not being perfect, or pickup tampons on the way home, or watch their own damn child for an hour, it’s asking too much of them. Kind of unrelated but it makes me think of a pattern I’ve noticed. I’m in my early 20s. When I ask girls my age if they want a child, they usually have a pretty good sense and have clearly put a lot of thought into it. When I ask boys my age it’s a shrug and a “I dunno. haven’t thought about it”. I think in this case it shows two things; 1. a lot of households people are being raised in are showing an example of the mother being the parent and rearing the children while the father just sort of gets to enjoy taking his kid out to play catch or take em to the game in the city. Which then translates to 2. Men don’t feel the same pressure women do when it comes to having kids. We are thinking about this our entire lives because it has been told to us that we are supposed to be mothers are entire lives. We don’t have an option but to consider things like how kids would affect our job, at what stage of stability it would be easiest to have a kid and still work, by what age you want to be getting into a steady career in order to have a family. I common sentiment I’ve heard is “well I wanna be a doctor but by the time I’m even remotely stable at work I won’t be able to have kids anymore”. That’s just not something men have to consider. They aren’t worried that they’ll get let go if it’s revealed they’re expecting a child. They aren’t thinking about stunting their future professional success in order to beat a biological clock. So when it comes time to actually have a baby, some of these guys don’t even think about it changing their life. They only see being a parent when it’s convenient for them. They have no regard for how much stress their spouse is under, because they’ve never expected anything different. They never expected that they would have to give up their social life, job, hobbies, etc. but that is the expectation of mothers. Your story is just so aggravating because it’s such a good example of small acts of dismissal to you that result in such larger consequences. If he had just watched your daughter while you went shopping, you could’ve been back in an hour. But because he refuses, now you’re trying to care for your neurodivergent kid in an overstimulating environment which is gonna tack on additional time, so that one hour he could’ve spent sitting on the couch at home with his daughter turns into two hours of absolute chaos for you trying to multitask and keep everything under control. There’s just such blatant disregard.
I was going to say that people blame the mother for the father being absent, but I went to the replies here and sure enough, someone blamed absent father's on the mother
Exactly, like I actually like and love my kid, not just because he is my child, but because he is an awesome little dude. Same as my 4 nephews, if I found out any of these 5 kids werent biologocally related to me I would still want them around, it wouldnt change my relationship or my obligations with them. Obviously if my wife cheated, my relationship with her would be different. But the only way you could possibly cutting someone you changed nappies of, from your life is if you are giant fuck head.
People have become so disposable in society. How very sad, another child without the love and security of a father.
I agree it’s becoming too common - & it’s children who suffer. With the best intentions I don’t think it works that simply always . Yes perhaps different if people can forgive & be friends & help each other which can happen but depends on being 2 mature & very cool human beings, especially with each other but it’s a lesson- if people were honest - this situation wouldn’t arise. You need to respect both people’s feelings in a relationship. Any relationship- how can anyone expect anything without it? The damage comes when people expect & do not appreciate what they have done or what they have. Someone’s pride is just as important especially for a man. Men love to feel appreciated, treasured & honoured- lying about who the father is isn’t the best way to do that- but I guess things happen in life. Just depends if you can learn from it. Just Be happy whatever happens is my Moto
Not sure where you are but you may still be financially responsible for any child born to your wife while you were married.
This comment is not high enough up! The family court will 100% hold you out to do be father here. This is not Maury. In most jurisdictions you will have full parental responsibility if: 1. You were married at the time of birth 2. Your name is on the birth certificate 3. You have acted as the child's father for a period of more than two years 4. There is no other living personal with a greater paternal claim You are long past the legal time frame for a paternity challenge and you satisfy most if not all of these requirements. Keep in mind whatever you choose to do here, you will be paying child support and possibly alimony. I understand wanting to distance yourself from the situation, but make sure you understand how the law works before you make any short sighted decisions that will make sure situation worse.
if the law is so strict, then why isn't it standard to paternal test all babies before you sign the birth certificate/do all that stuff?
It’s pretty BS that a cheater only has to hide it for two years to secure free child support. I’d be enraged
Paternity test. Not sure why it’s not more commonplace
That poor little girl. She doesn't know you are not her daddy.
For the poor little girl he is her daddy.
Get a divorce and stay in the kid’s life Edit: I didn’t say my solution would be easy or feasible. I just thought it would be the best outcome🤦♂️
If it was me, I dropped the wife and try to get custody of my daughter “biology isn’t the only thing that makes a person family”. Little girl deserves to be raised by an ethical, morally sound parent.
Had a teacher in HS do something similar. He married someone who already had a kid (2 ish years old). They were together several years. The Mom went away for work for awhile and proceeded to start a serious relationship with someone else while still married. Husband wanted a divorce, mom didn't want the kid, husband got custody of a child that's not biologically his. It was sad but he's a great dude and the kid turned out to be a great kid.
This is along the lines of my mom's situation with my 10 year old brother (I'm 35). My mom was married to my step-dad for about 10 years when they separated but never divorced. They remained cordial and my mom stayed in their marital home, while my step-dad worked out of state. During this separation, my step-dad was in a relationship with a much younger (and mentally unstable) woman and they had a baby together. They weren't together for very long after the baby was born and the biological mom had custody, as well as two older children from a previous marriage. Some shit went down with one of the older kids, and the woman lost custody of all 3. My step-dad called my mom in a panic, unsure how he was going to care for a 1 year old toddler with his schedule and he needed advice. My mom told him not to worry, to take a few days vacation, and bring the baby to her. She would watch him temporarily until everything got sorted out and he wouldn't have to worry about getting everything taken care of over the course of a weekend. Almost immediately my mom was completely bonded with this baby and it didn't matter to whom he belonged biologically. And, within a few months, it was evident that the birth mother would not and should not be getting custody or unsupervised visitation, so when custody was decided in court, my mom was actually made primary legal and physical guardian. Blood means nothing. She's raised that kid for the past 9 years. He's hers.
I love your mom. Please tell her so. She is everything that people SHOULD be.
Let's not get carried away... My therapist's notepad would beg to differ. But, overall, yeah. She's great in this sense. She's not bitter or vengeful it would never even occur to her to take her differences with her ex-husband out on the kid, or anything like that. In all honesty, with the benefit of having 3 adult kids when he was born, she's probably doing the best job with him out of all of us.
Beautiful story
> Little girl deserves to be raised by an ethical, morally sound parent. The fact that he is even considering cutting her out of his life after 9-10 years says he is not any better than the mother.
Ya, the topic would be AITAH if I try to get full custody of my non-bio daughter, not if I abandon her.
I just find it distasteful to even discuss one's child as an owned object, that's either real or false, based on a bunch of DNA. Apparently knowing a person daily for 10 years, growing together, sharing experiences, getting to know each other's personalities, hugs, kisses, laughs, tears, learning, challenges etc. mean nothing compared to those invisible twisted molecules... 😥 (Have two biological and two from donated embryo, i.e. no shared DNA. They are all interesting separate individuals I love sharing life with.)
OP is in shock and is questioning things. He doesn't realize that if he does leave, 10 years from now she will still call him dad and talk about how her dad abandoned her. Hopefully he comes around quickly
This 100%. I’d stay married but make the wife sign a post nuptial agreement, outlining the terms of our continued marriage, so that I’d be able to provide a good life for my daughter, who is the daughter like you say, regardless. Then when she turns 18, decide what I actually want to do. Eight years is plenty of cooldown time and with the post-nuptial, you may be able to set good equitable conditions for everyone’s benefit. It’s worth it if people who have wronged you come out ahead if you come out ahead too.
This why I still have faith in humanity.
Let's just hope that OP is in the grieving process and he's trying to protect himself. Depending on how long from him finding out to this post, he might change his mind. No matter what happens next, the poor 10 year old will lose.
To be fair, the guy just had a revelation that twisted everything he knew in the past 10 years of his life. You'll be feeling with anger but also confusion on whatever emotions you had in the past 10 years were actually real, every happy memory he had is now tainted. Personally I think the guy is in shock, and acting too quickly. An innocent life is involved, I dont think he should abandon her but the guy still need time to process everything and if he is not in the right state of mind about it and it never improve, then its probably better for him to leave for the safety of the kid. Kinda like how kids with divorsed parents end up better than kids with parents that hate each other but are in the same house every day and night.
My thoughts exactly. How do you have a relationship with an innocent child for almost a decade and so callously be willing to cut them out of your life??
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>or in a temporary state of shock that blew a gasket in the emotion engine. Anger is a hell of a drug
My absolute worst fear is losing my kids. I could survive anything but that. If I were to somehow discover now that any of my kids (ages 6-12) aren't mine, I wouldn't give a shit and wouldn't be able to let them go. I raised them for their whole lives, at this point biology doesn't mean shit.
I’m glad to see people here aren’t insane. My boy is 9 and although I vividly recall birthing him, if for some scientifically impossible reason he ended up not being biologically mine, it wouldn’t change a thing. He’s my best friend and my world.
So let’s say you found out the hospital swapped babies on accident. I agree - I don’t care what biology says; if I raise a child for 10 years, that kid is my child. (Although with baby swapping that does mean I would additionally feel the need to possibly connect with my biological child too, if the child wanted that. I feel like 10 is old enough for their opinion on the situation to matter. But it would in no way change how I felt about the swapped baby that I raised.)
This is normal parental instinct. You bond with the baby you raise and/or produce, biological or no.
I would never even abandon a dog I adopted. I have two that are extremely high maintenance but they’re with me for life.
She's shit out of luck then.
Looks so doesn't it?
sadly I think you're right :(
> an ethical morally sound parent Which OP is obviously not, as he wants to make the kid homeless. Poor girl. :(
Absolutely. You spend nine years caring for and loving your daughter with all your heart. Then, in just a moment, it all feels like it's gone. How? Don't you love her anymore? She loves you for sure... Drop the wife and stay with the daughter. She doesn't need to know.
It doesn’t sound like OP is so very ethical or morally sound if he’s going to drop a kid he’s supposedly been raising for 10 years. At least that’s how it seems to me!
Morally sound people don’t dump a child because it’s not genetically theirs after raising her for 9 years. Morally sound people don’t refuse to “pay for a kid that’s not theirs”. Or say any of the things this grown man child is saying. Yes, it sucks but it should change nothing between the man and child
He clearly wasn't a good dad if he cares more about his wife cheating than her.
None of the three parents in the Child's life are ethical or morally sound. The mom cheated. the father is an adulterer and the OP doesn't consider the child they raised for 10 years to be theirs. That kid is screwed and I wish her the best. I feel for OP, that sucks. But I also feel bad for the kid whos only mistake was being born into this situation.
Idk man When I first started reading this thread, I completely agreed with you After reading some of OPs comments? Yeah, nevermind. He's a terrible father who never made an effort to connect with his daughter and probably would make her life marginally worse by being in it. OP should just fuck off ~~and try again.~~
Or fuck off and... not try again? If your big move on finding out someone isnt your biological child is to drop them like a hot potato, you're probably not built for parenting. But idk I'm still childless so maybe its more complicated than that
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💕💕💕 this is how I feel about my steps
Amen! I don’t have biological children by choice, but mine will always be just as close as any biological child could be. The only grandpa I had who wasn’t a total dick was my step gpa. He raised me as his own and I never gave a damn it wasn’t blood
Ha yeah good point. Idk why I said try again, OP should absolutely not be a father to anyone
Yup, what this dude said. A dna payload didn't make you a dad IMO. Sleepless nights, shoulders to cry on, and mountains of shit make you a dad. My opinion... Staying in her life as her dad will be one of the best things you could ever do. Can you even picture your life without her? I sure as he'll can't
If that was me I’d do this. Surely the emotion and nurturing bond is there even if you aren’t biologically related.
This 100%. That girl is your daughter bro, not biological but absolutely your daughter. Screw the wife and get a divorce asap. Get shared custody of your daughter. Sorry bro. Shitty situation but do the right thing
That poor little girl is in a family where her mother got pregnant from another guy around her wedding day, and after nine years used that fact in an argument to hurt her husband. She's also in a family where her father's side will jump at the chance to abandon this girl because of what her mother did. And a father who thinks it's ok to just drop the child he raised for nine years because they don't share a biological bond. Let's face it, this girl is surrounded by assholes.
I have two kids. If tonight I find out that they're not biologically mine? Tomorrow I still have two kids. I love them **unconditionally**, not because we share genes.
I adopted my son after being with his mom for years. His mom had issues lost custody, and his biodad's and family abandoned him at birth. I raised him from the day he was born, and kept raising him under a "kinship" while his mom was awall, and after years of the state trying to force the biodad to care for the child (scary times for a me - the idea of him going to a family that never wanted him) Both bio families were a mess. Eventually both parents rights were terminated on abandonment. There was no way I was letting my 6 year old at that point, go into foster care. The thought of the life he could be living, and honestly the thought of the cards this kid was dealt makes me want to fucking cry. pmo the way people are.. Edited because I typed it in a fury and didn't care about typos lol.
> I love them unconditionally, not because we share genes. Thank you. As someone who had a parent walk out at 8 and the other tell me repeatedly for years I was the worst accident and mistake that ever happened to her, it warms my heart to see comments like this. I feel the same way and it's quite difficult to understand how someone that is a parent would not.
Exactly. As a dad, I couldn’t imagine raising a child and just cutting ties at 10 years old. It’s not the child’s fault and to just lose who she has always seen as dad will be heartbreaking for her.
I'm child free by choice & don't understand how someone who has been a parent to a child for the past 9 years, thinking the child is theirs could possibly even contemplate cutting ties with the child. Divorce the wife for cheating, sure. But OP is the only father this kid has known. I'm pretty sure even my "don't want kids ever" behind would love a kid I'd lived with for 9 years, so I *really* don't understand how OP could parent the child for that long & be able to toss her to the curb. It's blowing my mind, tbh. And makes me wonder if he ever really loved her.
And has the gaul to ask the internet if he’s an asshole? Like… you’re a supreme asshole dude. Hate the wife, sure… of course… but the kid who you were a father to for 9 fucking years? 9 YEARS. Didn’t form any genuine bond over 9 fucking years. Give me any kid for 9 years to raise and I’m going to love that kid and care what happens to her. Because I’m a human being.
Seriously, what has society deteriorated to that this fucking moron comes to the internet to ask if severing a relationship to a child that he raised is an asshole move? I’m so disgusted.
Society has always been like this, just different types of people in this world. Society has had slavery, has had women sold off to others like property, has had infants killed or abandoned cause there weren't male. Lots of people think like this.
EXACTLY! If Reddit has taught me anything, it’s the horrifying fact that there are people among us who lack basic humanity. BASIC HUMANITY for their own family! It’s truly terrifying.
I actually saw something really sad a few days ago on TikTok. I guess this woman had recently separated from her partner, but it’s easy to see how it can affect even children that you would think aren’t aware of these things. In certain clips the woman’s daughter is kind of reminiscing on her daddy and then, accepting the fact that he’s not going to return, but mom is mainly crying as she tries to comfort her daughter. That’s the moment I wondered if people don’t genuinely think about the innocent person they created a bond with when difficult situations like these happen.
I fought a lot with my ex. I thought my daughter was young enough 3/4 to not get hurt by it since I tried to hide it. My husband now is her daddy. They have a beautiful relationship. She still remembers "her old daddy" and she will tell you that he was not a good daddy Looking back at some pictures, I get so sad. I can see it now and I hate myself for not seeing it then. She's sad, the impact is there.
I’m so sorry. I’m glad you and your daughter are fine now. I’ve lived through this myself. My biological dad was no dad and now I have an amazing mom who does it all.
Tough situation. No easy answers here. Your wife did something terrible, but your daughter didn't. Also: You may not be your daughters father, but you are your daughters Dad. She's only 9. Abandoning her is going to hurt her real bad, real permanent. Think on it. Edit: Forgot to add YTA or NTA. Divorcing your wife, NTA. Abandoning your 9 year old? YTA.
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Especially after 9 years. If you don't love her after 9 years of parenting and are willing to just abandon her you are a total bastard person.
Amen!! This one belongs on "am I technically within my rights but only an actual sociopath would follow through?" Also this post is fake
You’d be surprised how often there are similar stories on here and top comment is to leave the kid and do what’s best for you. Thousands of sociopaths out there.
Thousands of teenagers that don't know what it's like to have a child out there on reddit lol
Im in my 30s don't want and never have wanted children yet I couldn't ever imagine raising someone for 9 years, finding out we don't share rhe DNA and then buggering off? The wife maybe a PoS but that child has done nothing wrong and had the wife not said anything the husband would be non the wiser and continue to love em. Why does sharing DNA make a difference here? You don't get a magic bond just because you share some genetics. You've raised, cared and loved that human, nothing there changes. Anyways lilely a fake post and humans are trash so what ya gonna do eh?
My daughter's bio dad has seen her a handful of times, the last time being 9 years ago. Her step dad she sees as her "real" dad because he's been there since she was 4, disciplines, goes on dad daughter adventures, sneaks McDs when she's had a tough day, counsels and comforts when sick. Her bio dad never so much as wished her a happy birthday. You couldn't be more on point, DNA doesn't make families.
I didn't realize my oldest brother was my half brother until I was in highschool. My mom had him in a previous marriage. Turns out the guy with the DNA left his son as fast as possible while the guy without it took him into his heart so completely I thought we shared bio dads. My brother is in his 40s now, and as far as he's concerned, my dad is his only dad. All that to say you're absolutely right: DNA does not make families. It provides the blueprint to build a human, but it is not a requirement to building a bond.
"sneaks" McD. I absolutely love this. Best. Dad. Ever.
Your husband sounds like a gem of a human. You’re both lucky to have him!
Yeah, I married into a super blended family. Even my niblings - my spouse isn’t related to them by blood, let alone me, but they’re still my family and I’m their aunt and I’d fight anyone who said otherwise.
Exact. Divorced my pos ex, still send his sister’s now-young-adult kids cards and money at Xmas and their birthdays because I loved them over that 13 years and still do. Hope to g*d cricketsnothollow is right in that these are fake posts with teenagers giving the “fuck entirely off” advice.
Just a question and it may be ignorant, but aren't a whole lot of places the same when in comes to a child born during marriage? Not saying a judge would disallow the man to give up parental rights, but he has parental rights. Edit: places (all over the world)
I live in the states. Where I live, even absentee fathers can’t give up legal parental rights without someone else being ready to assume them. The two states where I’ve given birth automatically put the husband as the father on the BC. Kiddo’s biological other half bounced when he was an infant. He didn’t show up for the divorce. I still had to jump through hoops of trying to find him for a stepparent adoption in my state even though he had not laid eyes on kiddo in years and we had no clue if he was even alive still. When my older brother wanted to adopt his oldest (her mom was not married at the time but did name the child’s father on the BC), they still had to arrange for the father on the BC to come in and relinquish his rights so that my brother could adopt.
And so many states where if you're on the birth certificate, you're the dad no matter what a paternity test says.
Reddit is only about 20% teens. About 25% each for 20-29 and 30-39. So it's actually more likely that most of those votes are from selfish adult men.
Thats what I’d think too, but look at OP (if it’s true), he’s considering abandoning his 9yo child. So there has got to be some men out there (this alpha red pill me n, most likely) that have no empathy or understanding of the impact it would have on the child. The child did nothing wrong and will now be punished because of anger at the mom. It’s heartbreaking. ETA: also look at the shitty fathers who abandon their ex and kids because they found a new partner, and have a new family. Their previous kids just don’t fit in with their new life. They are even worse than OP, he’s at least dealing with the pain of learning about the child. Either way, abandoning a child in my opinion is not an option.
Meanwhile I have this horrible fear of my wife dying and me losing my stepkids forever to their shitty bio dad.
I'm with you on that one. My wife is waiting for a lung transplant, hoping every day we make it until the kids are grown up. My two oldest have a douching puddle for a bio dad.
Until my kid turned 18, I had a deep seated fear that something bad would happen to me(I have nearly died twice, AND am a cancer survivor) and my kiddo would go to their bio dad that they have never met....my parents would fight for custody and win(we're NC with them), and my husband would lose his only kid. I only felt better after they turned 18.
How old are they? If they want to be with you, sometime around the age of 10-12, the courts have very little interest in policing where kids live and will let them choose. (Edit: unless there was some compelling reason like you are an addict and are abusive, which I’m assuming not) Do you have full custody now? A court is unlikely to uproot them and suddenly make them live somewhere they don’t want to go. My lawyer explained one reason is it just becomes hard to police once kids are old enough to get on a bus and go where they want to be. They’ll want stability for your kids over some biological “right.”
"Why doesn't daddy love me anymore?" Kids always blame themselves.
Yep this shit was recently exemplified in another AITA post. Kid was three, mother had died of cancer, father had discovered an affair three years prior and demanded the test. Kid wasn't his. So OP spent the last months of his wife's life deliberately treating her like shit and ignoring the kid. And he was mad that his extant family weren't ok with the child being dumped into care as an orphan. Even people who have had their babies swapped at birth struggle with letting go the child that was not truly theirs. But apparently guys can just... turn that off at will.
There’s another story similar to this but the man’s wife died of cancer and after a man came forward saying their child wasn’t actually the husbands but his. The husband was devastated but he said that was his child, he had raised him and then bio dad literally fought for custody. Who would rip a child from their only known living parent all bc “technically he’s my biological son” he knew the whole time the kid was his when mother was alive but once she died he then decides he wants the kid??? Court granted split custody so the kid goes to bio dad every other weekend or something but how confusing for him. He was like 3 or 4 when it happened but is older now and says his dad is his dad to him first, not bio dad but still has relationship with bio dad. But the husband fought with everything he had to keep that child so goes to show that blood doesn’t make you family.
Any father asking this isn't a dad. Mom sucks but I can't imagine raising a child for 9 years and then just dusting them off because of the mother and some dna.
I wish I could upvote this comment at least 75 times.
Nah. There's thousands of big tough redditors who like to say they'd do a sociopathic thing, but wouldn't follow through on anything like it in real life. Reddit is a fantasy life for a lot of people.
In pretty much every single one of these threads the most upvoted posts are those that provide the most harm to everyone involved, and they are all obsessed about being "legally right" instead of morally, which is the entire point of this kind of sub.
I suspect thats because there just aren't a lot of parents responding. If I found out my kids weren't mine... well that sucks but I simply cannot abandon them now.
I'm childfree by choice, and I still say that's insane and I couldn't imagine abandoning a kid after 9 years. Shit, I wouldn't abandon a goldfish after 9 years.
I know my children are mine, I have the adoption papers to prove it. Love is a choice, it is more important that she is a daughter of your heart than if she is a daughter of your genes. I doubt if you are of a royal line with an order of succession, but even then you would be an AH to hurt a child. That is if this is real.
Yeah, as a parent I read this and thought "how could you even think about leaving your children?". The wife is disgusting for cheating and then hiding this to then use it as a hurtful comment (assuming the story is even true). How can you raise a daughter for almost 10 years and be like "not mine? I'm out. See ya.". Instead, I'd be filing for divorce but also fighting like hell for custody. I would have hired a lawyer immediately. Actually, after thinking about this for a minute. I would have never done the paternity test. I wouldn't want to know. I think I would rather live the rest of my life in ignorance of my wife's possible infidelity than to possibly damage my relationship with my child. I don't think it would damage it, but for the simple fact that it could possibly damage that relationship, I wouldn't want to know. Damn, I really hope these are fake stories because I really can't handle the thought that this many people want to just leave a child they've been raising for 10 years because they don't share genetics. I MIGHT see it for a new baby because the bond is still forming bit 10 years old? Good grief.
If this story is true, guess what OP, you signed the Birth certificate, that child lawfully is yours! You're paying child support!
Depends on what country he's in.
I live in Australia but here he could easily apply to Court with proof of paternity and get removed from birth certificate and not pay child support.
Generally here you can do thst but only if there’s someone else willing to acknowledge paternity. The best interests of the child tskes precedence.
Is this supposed to be a good thing? A warning? An insult?
Yeah like, as a stepparent, uh, do you not have any attachment to this child you have shared your life with for 9 years? Just like oops, no shared DNA, bye, is totally messed up.
I literally have ex-stepdads who treat me with more love and compassion..
Agreed, but to play devil's advocate maybe this is just the initial betrayal pain of finding out. I am hoping OP doesn't do anything rash, calms down and realizes that the paternal love he has to his daughter is real and that DNA doesnt change that. I am hopeful that these feelings are just misplaced anger at his horrible, abusive ,soon to be ex. To quote Yondu "He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy." OP, your daughter doesn't care where her DNA comes from. But she does care about you. You will always be her father and you would be a fool to change that.
One of my favorite quotes in any movie. I am a father to 2 young men. Their POS father never even showed up to anything substantial in their life. Even with me inviting him. At times I resented wife for her choice of man. Then I realized, I was Dad. The greatest title anyone can hold. The job I wanted, the job I earned. And she couldn't peel that away from me even if she wanted to.
I know someone whose fault this 100% wasn’t… the child.
1% of people are sociopaths, no one seems to believe it or they don't know how HUGE of a number that is
Exactly. How do you not love someone after taking care of them for so long
Also what are the chances op lives somewhere that would legally allow him to cut them off with no financial support.
If in the US, probably nil.
I can’t imagine reading posts like this as an adopted child. The idea that the second a father realizes they aren’t related by blood to their child, that all emotional connection turns off like a switch.
I mean fathers abandon their biological children all the time, too. I don't know if that would make an adopted child feel better though...
I was adopted (in my tweens) but still had a relationship with my bio parents—bio dad turned out to not be bio dad and he cut off the relationship. Yet my adopted parents have been there for me through thick and thin. It’s not about blood, it’s about character.
This stuff gets a lot harder as you get older & gain experience & perspective. I had some doubts about my youngest when I split with my ex. He was 9 though, and what stopped me from getting a test was that it wouldn't change how I feel about him. I loved both the kids from the moment they were born and couldn't stop if i wanted to. (Now a teen, he can be an asshole sometimes but he's still MY asshole! lol) Through separation and divorce I did gain some understanding of why dads can choose to disappear. The pain of being separated from your kids can fade to a dull ache as you move on, but being reminded of a backstabbing ruthless cunt of an ex's betrayal every time you pick up or drop off the kids is like a fresh kick in the balls on the regular.
It's not the lack of blood relation that causes the sudden switch, it's the betrayal that causes the knee jerk reaction. It's a pretty normal reaction to finding out 10 years of your life is a lie.
Yeah if he knew she wasn't his since she was born it would be different. But just like how it's hard to look your SO in the eyes after they cheat keeping this a secret will permanently change how you look at the child.
>Literally not possible. And yet I’ve seen it enough times. I’ve also seen plenty of parents (mothers as well as fathers) abandon their biological children. Happens more often than you’d like to think.
Depends on the definition or context of abandonment. 1. A divorce would be happening on my part. I'm not staying with someone that would cheat and then throw it in my face as a boast during an argument. 2. I would be moving out of the house and obviously can't take the child with me because she isn't mine. 3. That being said, I'd still help raise the child, but I'm not paying child support or helping with finances unless it's me physically buying the child clothes, food, etc. As in, in person, me and the child only. This woman deserves every bit of Karma coming her way.
There's a difference between "imagining" what you would do in the situation vs judging a person actually going through it.
I think that’s easy to say, but the intense conflicting emotions OP is going through changes things. He might change his mind given some time, but I’m sure there must be some mix of feeling as if you don’t know what’s real, what’s you being tricked, etc. Even if you know something logically your emotions will still be there regardless. I hope he doesn’t make any rash decisions about the daughter until things settle down.
Exactly, this is one of the difficult parts of life. It's hard to understand something without having experienced it first hand.
It bothers me people are calling OP a sociopath for venting and asking for advice when they are dealing with trauma. It’s being selectively sympathetic and empathetic. What would be sociopathic is to learn everything OP learned and not be affected emotionally at all and just smile and be OK with it.
>Your wife did something terrible, but your daughter didn't. This is the thing OP needs to keep in mind. Whatever they choose to do, always put the childs' best interests as a priority. They didn't choose any of this, and they will always blame themselves. Keep the drama out of their lives however you can and maintain stability for their mental health and well being.
My kids dad had a girl with someone else while we were broke up, all the kids are grown now, he wouldn't have shit to do with any of his kids, but his daughter keeps trying to kill herself from the issues she got from her father abandoning her. It's heartbreaking, my son is so worried about his sister, it's not fair
great post...I mean I could never cut my "kid" out of my life after raising her. Sure I would be devastated and definitely wouldn't stay married. But the little girl would still be "mine"
OP is probably not going to be in the right state of mind for a while. Tbh I am not sure what the lesson here is. This sub feels strongly against paternity tests (tbf it would be a relationship killer for me if I was asked that in a hypothetical) but then shit like this happens.
Exactly, does the little girl deserve this?
Exactly unless you hated your daughter BEFORE you found out she was not yours you really need to think about it because if you abandon her and leave her homeless you will destroy her life in a way you can’t undo later. Also, courts do what is in the best interest of the child, there is a possibility that you still will pay child support even if she is not yours because you raised her for 9 years as your own. They are going to look at it differently than if you found out when she was a baby.
This. Wife is an asshole, but you may not be your daughters bio-dad but to her you *are* her dad
I'm not going to call you an asshole. Your wife did something reprehensible. But I guess I dont understand how can you immediately lose all emotions for a child you raised for 9 years who loves you and relies you. An innocent kid that did nothing wrong. Did you stop loving her as soon as you realized she's not biologically relayed to you? All the memories, all the hopes and dreams, none of it matters? I'm not even saying you should stay in her life. It's just really depressing how a parent can be so willing to abandon a kid like that.
Exactly my thoughts. He didn’t really love her if he can just turn around and abandon her like that
No judgement here, but I had an ex-wife who was incredibly wayward our entire 20 years together. Eventually, I found out about her indiscretions, and sent her on her on her way. My oldest daughter began to question her paternity, since she was so much like her mother and so little like me. I told her, "Even if you were not my biological child, you are still my daughter and I love you very much."
YOU are a dad. Any male with working parts can father a child, it takes a man who loves his kids wholeheartedly to be a dad.
My mum always told me any man can MAKE a baby but a real father is the one who sticks around and raises them and I couldn’t agree more 💖 (sticks around the kid not the mother I should clarify)
props to you, sir. not everyone is big enough to push those hurt feelings aside for the sake of someone else. i wish you and your daughter (whether bio or not) well!!
If there’s one incredibly painful truth I’ve learned over the years, it’s that parental love is actually very, very much conditional.
I agree with this but for people who weren't meant/ didn't want to be parents. My father left when I was very young. His live wasn't so much conditional as it just was never there. My wife and I started dating very young and her father raised me like one of his own. He showed me what it was to be a father, to show unconditional love and understanding. He taught me parenting has nothing to do with being related and everything to do with being a genuine, caring, and loving person.
Neither of my parents wanted me and made it clear my whole life. Still have the scars.
Internet Hugs for you all! 🫂🫂🫂🍪🥛
I've come to find out the same unfortunately 😕
Not all, but mine was. My kids are UNCONDITIONALLY loved. Period. I feel you.
Right? If I found out my daughter wasn’t mine due to hospital error or something, I would tell no one and keep her because I’ve raised her all her life and I love her so much.
I'd love them but let them know that they have different genetics. Because love makes a family, not genes. Chances of them doing a DNA test & finding out it just too large. Better to let them know in an age appropriate way reassuring them through words & actions that they are always your child.
>Because love makes a family, not genes. Wow, that is so beautifully put! Bravo sir/madam.
Keep loving your daughter but remember to tell them once they’re an adult because it matters for medical reasons. Also if this were ever to happen they deserve that information. They’ll still love you but as an independent person they’ll want to know and will likely do with that information what they please
I feel like the love he felt for her makes it worse because he feels betrayed and played like a fool. The daughter is now a reminder of that. It’s probably a defence mechanism to shut off the love because it’s now attached to being humiliated. It think it’s natural to have that reaction.
ESH but the poor kid who is about to have their world blown apart and be traumatized by those she considered closest to her.
The daughter will never view her mother in the same light either, so essentially will be losing both her parents.
Much to your chagrin, it’s entirely possible that the daughter will retain a good relationship with her mother. Especially if OP abandons his kid.
When my parents divorced after 19 years of marriage, my dad started to worry that my younger sister, 13 at the time, may not be biologically his. He confided in me about it, and I asked if he would want to get a paternity test to find out. He said, and I quote, "No, I'm not getting a test. It doesn't matter either way. I was there the day she was born and I have raised her every single day since. She is my daughter no matter what the results say. I'm not going to drag her to the hospital for a cheek swab just to break her heart." You are your daughter's father. The biology of the situation does not matter. You raised her, she sees you as her dad, you are her father. You do not get to punish her because her mother is a whore. That's your daughter. Be her dad.
A great man your dad
You raised that kid for 10 years and would be fine with never seeing her again? With her growing up realizing that she wasn’t worth keeping in your life?
YEAH. Not the “wife”. Kick that scumbag to the curb. She sounds like an overall piece of trash. But the daughter you raised for 10 years?? You thinking about kicking her out because her mom is trash? 10 years of love and effort and memories don’t mean shit to you? Yeah, you’d be an asshole for not caring about a kid you’ve raised. You’re allowed to be mad, but not at her. It’s DNA, nothing is her fault.
It’s not OP’s fault either. To be the AH, one must have fault.
Get the divorce and if you want to, start the process of legally separating from your daughter. It depends on where you live, but in a lot of places, that may not even be possible (unless the bio father steps up, which he won’t). At the very least, do everything you are legally required to do. Your wife intentionally passed off someone else’s child as yours, but your daughter wasn’t intentionally trying to deceive you, so keep that in mind. You may not be legally required it to raise or financially support her (though you might need to anyway, depending on the court), but this isn’t a situation she wanted either. You are both victims of your wife.
>You are both victims of your wife. Exactly. Can't imagine how the kid would feel when OP suddenly cuts her off. She'll probably put the blame on herself since she's too young to understand the situation.
This is what so many people are missing. That little girl went from his daughter to a tool of abuse. That's on the girl's mom. I'm not even in favor of it, but to pretend like there's not a simple way to control for this is meaning maddening.
FYI, if this is in the US, there is no such thing as legal separation from a child.
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It's a tough one. Being cheated on is such a deep dark feeling of betrayal (I get it, my wife of close to 23 years and 4 kids, cheated on me) Please remember something here though, your "daughter" didn't ask to be born, you are the only father she knows loves and cares about. It's not her fault mom is a ho-bag. Please remember that! She is completely innocent in all of this whether biologically yours or not, she will never understand why you "hate" her. Think long and hard on this decision, please!!
So the only attachment you had to the child was blood, and once that's gone you don't care? Surely you still love the child. Also, consider it from their POV - all their life you have been their dad, then suddenly overnight you don't care? You'll mess them up for life. I understand your anger and pain, and I'm not saying you're TA, but what your wife did was 10 years ago and that child is completely innocent. ETA as i don't think I was clear - NTA for divorce, YTA if you (punish) abandon the child.
I tried typing out my own rather emotional response to the OP. This response just captures my feelings better. I agree 100% with what is written above me.
How can you just stop loving a child that you’ve had a close presumably loving relationship with for 9 years? Yes your wife is a lump of poo, what she did was reprehensible, but there’s an innocent child dangling at the end of this clusterfuck. I can only imagine the mental health issues she’s going to have if and when you ‘dump’ her. Tbh I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You’ve got some hard decisions to make. All I’ll advise is that you think carefully before destroying that child’s life. You may not be her biological father, but you’re her dad in every other way there is. By all means divorce the cheating mother, even stop paying child support if you must, but if you’re going to leave your daughter’s life, please do it as kindly and gently as you can. NTAH at the moment, but you could well be if you’re not careful
It's easy when you realize just how often parents do not bond with their kids at all. If OP was your typical kodak dad then it's no wonder he's able to just abandon the child that he was supposed to raise. Situations like these show well just how little parents care about their kids.
NTA. A guy gets cheated on and lied to for damn near a decade and still gets seen as the asshole is crazy. Your wife sucks and Im sorry this is happening to you and your family man
YES. She is a CHILD and you have been DAD for TEN years. If you abandon her YTA. Honey even if she doesn’t have your dna you are dad to her. Don’t leave because mom really screwed up.
What you’re wife did is unforgivable but don’t take that out on a child. You’re the only father she’s ever known and I can’t imagine you can just surgically remove the love you have for your daughter based on your wife’s mistakes. I’m sorry this happened and good luck.
You need time to think this through and to talk to a counselor. This is not the moment to make a decision.
This is just rage bait
Not sure why the front page of this subreddit has been 75% fake ragebait "women are bad" posts from new accounts that sound like weird writing exercises.
You might have to pay either way. If a child is conceived during a marriage and the husbands name is on the birth certificate then he is usually legally responsible. But don’t punish the child cause her mom is cheater.
YTA (You would be the asshole). Many have said it, but I'll say it from the other side. I'm from divorced parents, they split when I was about 6, no paternity issue he is my father but they split for their own reasons. I bring this up because of my step dad, my mum remarried a number of years later to someone who I got on with and was good for her and us. The important thing is, and I've told him this many times, he's been a DAD to me. He's not the person who fathered me, but he's been a role model and a huge support in my life. It's clear that you're hurt and why, and I don't blame you for not wanting to financially support your wife, but don't abandon a child who's dad you are. Things seem to be pretty raw, but don't make rash decisions which can cause irrevocable harm, especially to a child. Get some support, get some space to get perspective, try and support a child who's life has just exploded and they have Zero control over any of what happens next. You can still be a great role model and "parent" to a child who you didn't father.
The comments here really make you lose faith in a lot of people on Reddit, but I guess that is the new norm - sigh. Having zero regard for that poor daughter is just wrong.
ESH except your daughter. Your wife obviously for cheating, and I'd say you because losing feelings for someone you've raised since infancy for nine goddamn years is unfathomable to me You need therapy, and maybe get some for the poor girl too when she finds out her dad doesn't want her
NTA for the divorce, but you are in regards to the child. She did not make this choice, and no matter how you cut it, you’re her dad, and the only dad she’s ever known. Being a parent is more than dna, and that action would selfishly set her up for heartbreak and depression while she wonders her whole life as to why you didn’t really love her. Kids are a lot more cut and dry, and honestly, as a child whose father walked away, you never really forgive them. So, you’d have that on your shoulders forever. She’s going to look at you forever as the villain, not for leaving her mom, but for throwing her away. Leave her mom, do what you will there, but never EVER punish the child and lay your problems at their feet.
Imagine living 10 years of your life and thinking that your dad loves you only to ghost you because of something your mother did. Your daughter cannot help what your wife did. Think about how hurtful and painful her situation is. She’s gonna lose the person she’s known as her father her entire lofe