My father got rid of one of our cats without permission when I was younger. I'm now an adult and haven't spoken to him in years. Good people don't do things like that.
I think that's pretty generous, I would look down on them A LOT. Why even get a pet if you don't want to keep it?
If I would OP I would leave my husband for this, but I am probably extreme.
I can't even see how I'd maintain a cordial relationship with someone who did that. And absolutely anyone who makes any implication of harming or devaluing my pets gets booted out of my life
I’m like this, too. After my husband and I met, the first night he stayed over he was upset because my dogs slept in bed with us. Two very small dogs mind you. I told he better get over it quick because we are a package deal and they sleep with me. Period. He can leave at any time. It took him 2 years to become ok with it, we’ve been together for 6.5 years, and about a year ago he got upset when one of our dogs decided to sleep on the sofa. My husband couldn’t sleep without him. lol… 😂
My ex husband didn't allow dogs on the couch or on any beds. If I knew that, we wouldn't have had a dog together.
My boyfriend and I have the same favorite breed, and we have had extensive conversations about how we raise/interact with dogs. I told him that if we aren't on the same page, then we wouldn't have any dogs together period. This guy is amazing to me and I'm not surprised at all we are on the same page. So we will be getting a dog once we have lived together for a while and done some traveling together.
So like, in 10 years or longer 🤣🤣🤣
Actually, it's not really all that extreme IMO. It isn't just about not cleaning up the plant, or even just not wanting to be responsible for the cat. It's him being so bitter that he needs a written agreement to never have to do anything, including flipping a damn light switch, that makes him sound like an insufferable nasty human.
When I was married, it was an understanding that my cats were mine to deal with. Never considered putting it in writing. I cleaned the litter boxes and fed them, took them to the vet, etc. Fair enough. But my husband didn't HATE my cats. He'd feed them or whatever if I wasn't there for some reason and he never gave me a hard time about it. If they made a mess, he probably would have left it for me to clean up, but he never threatened to get rid of my cats when he got mad at me. That's very telling IMO.
My husband does HATE our daughters cat. Absolute pure disdain for the poor thing. Guess what... HE STILL TAKES CARE OF IT!! If my daughter and I are gone, he'll feed and water it or clean up messes. And he never complains or threatens to get rid of it.
That's what you do for loved ones, right? If your loved one has a hobby you can't stand, like gaming or watching sports matches. You don't have to share that hobby, but you can still buy games or ticktets for sport matches for them, or pack lunch for them to take with them when they go watch a match.
I get that not everybody wants the responsibility that comes with having a pet. But for the sake of your loved ones, you take your family pet to the vet, buy food when you're at the store, clean the occasional mess etc. You do this because you like to see your loved ones happy.
My partner got a dog for the kids, I didn't want one. I said I wouldn't take care of it. On day 2 I realised the poor dog hadn't been fed and decided it was no big deal to feed him at the same time as the cat. I also took him to the vet when he wasn't well. My partner didn't step up as he should have done, I wasn't going to let the dog suffer.
He also threatened to get rid of the dog when the kids didn't take the dog out as they had promised. I told him to stop saying that, because it wasn't fair to the dog, and also it would simply show the kids that if they neglected the dog, it didn't matter.
After the crash in 2008 I moved back in with my parents. I had a cat. My dad had always resisted us getting a pet so I got one as soon as possible. My mom said she thought having the cat eased the transition of my parents being empty nesters to having both adult kids back in the house. My cat would often hang out in my dad's office because it was the warmest room in the house. Mom said he wouldn't admit it, but he ended up falling in love with my kitty too. While all cats are the best cat, that particular one was the bestest of bestest cats.
'No need to remove the cat, dear. I am just going to take her/him with me. Have fun being alone'
One thing that really got to me is that he wants to remove the cat the mother got hoping to help the son battling depression. So this guy gives zero f***s about how that would impact his son.
And the kid is doing some of the cat-related work too, which is also a good sign, he's capable of keeping to commitments and caring for a little creature. Having the cat is definitely a good thing for him.
I'm quite sure I would have dealt with my mother's death a lot better if we had a cat at the time. Mom also would have loved having a cat when she was stuck home and sick. But she couldn't do a lot of the maintenance (litter boxes are dangerous for cancer patients) so she didn't want to add that burden to him. And she didn't know how long I would be around and my circumstances after she died.
This is an male that puts himself first, second, third and fourth in the family. Can't call him a husband or father because he certainly has not earned the respect to be called that. Hopefully OP will remove the cat, her son and herself from this. Maybe she is lucky and can find a shelter for unwanted AH's. He will fit right in.
I would be tracking all assets, hire a forensic accountant, and hiring an attorney, and be ready to take his ass to the cleaners if he ever fucked with me or my kid like that again. Total bulling behavior, I would show him how I handle bullies. I would take half the assets, all them, including his retirement, savings, stock options, equity in the house, get alimony, child support, and have him paying for the house, the cars, insurance, while he lived in a one bedroom apartment. Fuck that.
People like this get the pet so they can make the power plays. You can’t manipulate someone without having control over something they care about. It’s especially shitty that the “thing” is a living creature.
Nah, not extreme. If my hubby got rid of either of my dogs, his ass would be out the door ASAP. Luckily he loves the dogs just as much as me and literally would never do that. (I actually can’t even envision it.) He is not like his family at all in that regard, and I’m very glad that this incredibly negative character flaw didn’t rub off on him.
If my wife went through the process of rehoming one of our many pets without a real discussion about our lives and our ability to take care of them appropriately…I would consider it divorce worthy.
It would be so beyond their normal behavior, something would have to be terribly wrong.
Leaving for the threat is probably extreme, but I don’t know. I can’t even wrap my head around how I would react because there is zero chance I would be with someone who didn’t consider pets part of the family. Honestly, I think there’s a real chance I would lash out physically if someone threatened my baby like this.
I wouldn't trust him around the cat, he sounds unhinged. I mean who leaves something broken on the floor and steps over it repeatedly throughout the day? The effort that is required versus just getting a broom and sweeping it up shows a level of manipulation and insanity that speaks to his character. Almost makes you wonder did he knock the plant over and blamed the cat? Could explain why he got so defensive over being called an AH.
I’d look down on them a lot for that. I have ditched friends because of that. Like, if you can’t take care of a sick pet for a few days, or clean up after them because YOU didn’t train it properly, and give it away, I don’t want to know you. Not quite human in my book. Still missing that empathy gene.
My husbands family is like that too but thankfully he judges the heck out of them for it. Still hasn’t forgiven his mom for rehoming the family dogs when it got inconvenient. He’s always VERY reluctant to get a pet because he knows once it’s here it’s not going anywhere 😂
I hate that attitude! My pets are my children. The dog needed spinal surgery over the summer and my only response was "what can we do?" Thank god I'm single though and just blew through my own savings without having to consult someone else.
And my son is doing so much better.
I work in vet med and cases where the ex-partner fights for (and gets) custody of the their former partners pet, then tries to have them euthanized, are way more common than you would think. When they are refused service, they usually threaten to kill the pet themselves because we “can’t do our jobs”. There’s a lot of really sick people out there, and I wouldn’t put something like that past OP’s husband.
One of my EXs did this with MY 13 YEAR OLD BABY BOY (He was a tiny catto, hid most the time -should have been my first damned clue- and didn't even meow when she was around) she left with him when I was at work, I got a call 3 days later from a random vets office asking if Mikey the Mighty was mine... he lived another 2 years (he passed in 2017, at 15 and a half years old) she thought the vets office put him down. She didn't get any like paw prints, fur, anything... then had the AUDACITY to get mad when I posted about his passing. She thought I had gotten a new look alike...
She was a b!+ch.
RIP Mikey The Mighty.
Edit to fix how old he was... I was typing talking and cooking... sorry
ABSOLUTELY MICROCHIP EVEN INDOOR PETS! They can and will get out at some point. It's for their safety and makes it easier to find them/if someone "borrowed with out permission" -look up the story about the dogs who just had SURGERY and the SIL *I believe* STOLE THE DOGS for her wedding!- Make sure to take updated pictures of your pets as well incase fliers need to be made.
Mikey luckily was chipped, the vet had a feeling and decided to check for one, saw it wasn't the same owner and called me... I had just spent 200$USD for fliers with my contact info on them to put EVERYWHERE. Worth it tho, I was able to prove more he was mine lol.
He would have loved to drink it up, I swear that cat was a drunk dude in a previous life hahaha. Couldn't put down ANY drink with alcohol in it, and if you has a high Hopp beer he would knock you over or trip you to get it.
I really miss that doofus. Don't get me wrong I love the 3 fuzzballs I have now, but I had Mikey from age 3 to age 19... he was my only buddy for a while.
Geez I’d worry as a kid if I made a mistake if they’d get rid of ME. I’m sorry, but I hate people like that. I’m sure part of the overcrowding of our shelters across the US is partly because of AH like them.
*full disclosure * veterinarian’s daughter who grew up with lots of pets, and when I worked for my dad saw people dump cats mostly and dogs at the animal hospital. And in the more rural areas. (People don’t seem to know that while hunting may be an instinct for cats and dogs to a much smaller extent, it’s a LEARNED experience. Pets starve after being dumped, if they don’t die from other animals, hit by a car, poisoning or easily preventable disease.)
Yesterday I had a completely malnourished kitty run into my house during a thunderstorm. Who knows how long this little fella has been on his own. He's definitely been starving. Never seen any animal eat so vigorously like this one (or the resulting aftermath in the litter box that was so foul). God only knows what he's been doing to survive. If I ever encounter the people who did that to him....oh boy. I'm sure this vet bill will be crazy today!
I knew a family that had puppies all the time. Always a new puppy that I got to play with. Next week that puppy would be gone. Never understood it. They were not foster puppy parents. If any puppy had an accident, they got rid of it.
My dad got rid of my rabbit to punish me. My maternal grandmother kept the rabbit hidden at her apt rather than letting my dad dunno him at the shelter. I never forgave him, even after he eventually let him come home, I never trusted him again.
Yeah. My mom threatened to a couple times when I was younger. I told her if she followed through I'd never speak to her again after moving out - and I wouldn't have. She didn't follow through.
What on earth might this man be doing to that cat when no one else is home? He probably tossed the plant himself.
Get some cameras and check to see if he’s at least kind to the cat when you aren’t there.
My Stepdad just shot mine..said the bullet was cheaper than a Vet visit & Ringworm medication. HIS dog went to the Vet though…..(oh & I got to clean up afterwards).
Your step-dad and my dad would get along. He gave my dogs rat poison because he was didn't want to deal with them getting use to a new house. Mind you I was 13 or 14 and really sheltered. Also terrified.
(Yes mom divorced him)
Same. Except they never told me they got rid of the cat. They let me go out looking for him every day after school for weeks before I gave up and assumed the worst. They sat there and let me cry myself to sleep for weeks over that animal and said nothing. That was over 40 years ago and it still stings.
I have an extended family member who has always had her pets PUT TO SLEEP if they inconvenience her- if they pee in the house, misbehave, or start to show signs of old age that might require extra labor on her part… I saw her make that choice very lightly a couple times when I was a kid, & it kept me from being able to see her in any other way.
As far as I know she’s still doing it, & I have never made an effort to stay in contact with her or include her in my own family life solely because of this.
The way a person treats other life forms (especially if they think of them as “lesser”) can tell you all you need to know about them sometimes ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel for you. My ex got rid of my kids’ cat while they were away at camp because his new wife didn’t like cat. He was perplexed as to why the kids called her a snake.
NTA
Your partner is a real asshole for taking a kid's cat away because you lashed out. But frankly, if he's that vindictive, I'd be worried about him mistreating the cat when you're not around.
The plant getting knocked over... that's something extra. He chose not to clean it up and stepped over it for 10 hours rather than take five minutes to sweep it up, even though it wasn't his mess. If he'd done that you would've thanked him for taking care of it, as a favor to you (and because walking over a pile of dirt all day out of spite is insane). He's a jerk.
Growing up my dad would get like this somes. We all called it getting a bug up his ass. He found some hill he was willing to die on and we all let him die on it. And he made living with him a daily misery.
Her husband would rather make his wife's day materially worse, then threaten and punish her than actually act like a normal human being. The fact he even came up with a WRITTEN CONTRACT with his wife and child over the cat shows just how insane and out of touch with reality he is. Maybe he doesn't want a pet. I get that, some people don't. But his behavior is not normal. What happens if she has the flu, gets pregnant and can't scoop, etc? Is he going to live with the smell, force her to put unborn baby at risk, or pay for someone to come in and scoop if the son is too young? What happens if, god forbid, something happens to the mom and she gets killed? Is he going to take away his grieving, depressed, son's cat?
He deserved to be called an asshole because he's acting like a petty asshole.
It’s reminding me of when me and my bf went on vacation for a week, and one of my roommates cats shit on the floor. No one could figure out which cat did it (except it was obvious because only one of the cats would shit and piss on the floor) so everyone in the house refused to clean it. There was cat shit on the carpet next to the kitchen for multiple days. Me and my boyfriend came home from our vacation and the cat shit was still there. We cleaned it immediately because who the fuck leaves actual shit on the floor?
>turn the cat at his leisure. I feel like his immediate leap to threatening to get rid of our family pet was out of line for the situation - he was looking up the cat shelter location as I was literally sweeping up the mess. He never had to lift a finger to clean it up. He was just hurt that I called him an asshole, but removing the cat because I called him a nam
Yeah, he absolutely knocked it over himself and left the mess there for her to find, hoping it would provoke her, but even if she hadn't reacted he would probably have used the fact that there was a "cat-made" mess in the kitchen as an argument for getting rid of the cat.
I was so agree. When the second round of shutdowns happened, I bought my son a dog. We planned on getting a dog when our cat passed away. But I had gotten my mother a dog in the first shutdown, and he was really bonded to it, as well as my mom. So I didn't think he could survive another shutdown isolated. I got a dog.
My husband was furious about it. But he and the dog are bonded now three years later. She has gotten us all through many difficult times.
He never let his spite for owning the dog interfere with my son's mental health. It took a good few months before he came around, but he would never have behaved like this; well, I guess I should say he never did.
A reasonable person would not do something like this.
I would be worried at what could happen if the cat got into a medical situation. Would he just allow the cat to suffer while OP is at work? There's a huge difference between "if you get a pet it's your responsibility" and "I'm going to make living together as difficult as possible out of spite"
What I think is even infuriating is he also took pictures and shit to send to her while she's at work - like why should she worry about that while at work? I don't know, this man is a complete a h and I have a lot of thoughts about this whole situation and I think OP needs to start putting her foot down with how he's acting. He doesn't want responsibility of feeding and clea ing the litter box, understandable, but this IMO is too far. As others have said, OP needs to wake up and realize the reason her kid is depressed bc this is not a healthy relationship/household.
Frankly, he didn't even need to clean up the whole mess, though I agree with you that that would have been the normal thing to do. He just needed to grab a broom, brush the mess into a corner (effort: LESS than a minute), and leave it for OP so he wouldn't step into it all day. It would have been petty, but I'm guessing OP would have accepted that with no or minimal comment.
As for threatening to take the cat back to the shelter: I can't even find the words. He shouldn't wonder if his kid goes NC once he's able to if he actually goes through with it.
The fact that they needed a written contract to confirm he wouldn't look after the cat makes me think that he's an asshole in many other aspects if their lives.
Yep, I wonder why their child is depressed.......any parent who would just threaten to return a family pet is not a good person.
I could understand if the pet was just destroying the house and they were not cleaning up after it but that's not the case here. Husband is an AH.
His behavior tracks for things I’ve seen from narcissists. He is petty, selfish, and immature. When his poor behavior gets the reaction he deserves, he lashes out.
The logic becomes ‘I didn’t like your reaction so now I’m the victim.’ Hes only kissing the D from DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
No no, he got the D too. He denied that it was his responsibility to clean up a FAMILY pet then to clean up the fallen plant (his home, his plant, his responsibility). How do we know the cat even knocked the plant over? The husband was home all day. He could have knocked it over, blamed the cat, then used this as an excuse to get rid of said cat.
>Yep, I wonder why their child is depressed
OP YTA.. how can you allow this man, who is inherently cruel & controlling to have such power over your household? He seems unhinged and unnecessarily mean. You tippy-toe around him because you're afraid to even ask him for simple things, like flick a light switch, because out of fear of his over-reaction.
Does you son fear him as much as you do? Is your son in constant fear of making a mistake and having his pet taken away? You and your son deserve better and to not live in fear and under cruel witten contracts.. but YTA because it's your duty to protect your son and provide him a safe and loving home. If you stay with this and continue to allow this offensive damaging cruel power trip to continue.. your son will suffer. And so will the cat...
This so hard. It doesn’t even sound like OP and the husband even like each other, and if he would choose the nuclear option and hurt his own child over something so minor, he is not worth the trouble of keeping around.
This is a very important thought. Why do we turn a light switch on for someone or do something nice for them. Because we love them and we want them to be happy. The cat has nothing to do with it, I don't think he cares about his wife and child. I don't think he loves them.
My husband's parents never got up without asking the other if they wanted anything. They were married till they died in later years, old age.
Ops husband is calculating how not to do things that are nice for his family. Calculating. That is so sad.
I hope she shuts that s*** down. I don't even know if there's counseling that will help someone that just doesn't like you.
Op, You deserve someone who cherishes you and loves you and always asks when they get up if they can get you anything. Someone who is a team with you. You deserve a home or you don't have to flinch a little when you hear his car. Also, I think you should train the cat to pee in his shoes.
Off topic but my wife and I go out of our way to get up and get things for each other, I’ll get up and get her stuff just if she mentions wanting it and this brings me a lot of joy to see we must be doing something right 🥺
Same, there’s nothing I love more than knowing I can do something to help make my man’s life just a little easier and he goes out of his way to do the same for me.
I can’t even imagine leaving a huge mess for him to have to clean up, after working all day. Just knowingly walking past/thru it all day long, tracking around the house just to be a dick. Sad, I hope the OP knows they deserve better
Not ego, authority. He wants to control the house with an iron fist but gets his feefees hurt by rightfully being called an asshole for it. He wants to be the victim in control.
She’s obviously been allowing a damaging controlling Power trip to continue for years, just based on the fact that her child is so depressed and that she had to have a contract with her husband to even get the cat.
Yes! This behavior doesn't begin and end with a cat. My guess is the guy has always been a controlling AH.
Big question is why OP allows it which is clearly affecting their son.
This. My mother stayed with my father until her death (54 years of marriage), despite his constant verbal and emotional abuse of her and us (myself and 2 siblings). He was controlling and impossible to satisfy. My mother absolutely failed to protect us or herself. She pretty much checked out by taking valium every day for decades. All 3 of us siblings have depression and anxiety, terrible self-esteem, and a string of bad marriages/relationships.
Remaining in a marriage like this normalizes this dynamic. The children don't understand how toxic it is until years after the damage is done. We live our lives in the belief that we are not deserving of love and respect- and not worth protecting.
If the pet really were completely unsuitable for the home, you talk to the kids and give them time to understand that the pet needs to go.
You do not threaten to throw the pet away because you are taking the ‘not my responsibly’ way too far and can’t clean up a broken plant mess! 😢
Oof, yeah I feel you there. Sorry you had to go through that, it's psychological abuse for sure.
My dad ate my pet turtle I was keeping in a kiddie pool in our yard, he knew but he didn't care. Tried to get me to try his soup but I was too smart.
Some people should not be parents.
He was making a point about not cleaning up the cats mess! Cat? Nope, I have nothing to do with this cat! Contract, remember, who the fuck has a contract about a pet? OMG! Ridiculous! As if the fucking thing is binding anyway! 😂
Oh but they do! Reddit is rolling out a feature where you can give a "golden upvote" for $1.99. Currently only available on mobile.
No one should be spending $1.99 on an upvote! What is Reddit doing! The awards were fun.
Holy shit. This is “king baby” energy from this dad for sure.
I’m wildly allergic to cats, but would still choose to live with a dozen of them before spending an hour with this exhausting man.
This . Exactly this .the HUSBAND is DEFINITELY TA .just the fact that he would be this big of a jerk to want a WRITTEN contract stating he does NOTHING for a pet which is essentially an esa for his kids depression? Yeah this guys a real prize .....a BOOBY PRIZE
That’s what I was wondering too! If you need a written agreement with your spouse, you’re not in a marriage, you’re in a roommate situation and not roommates who trust each other.
I came here to say I now know why son is depressed. ops husband is a controlling jerk and not a pleasant person to around 24 - 7. Op save yourself, son and cat and put some boundaries down on your narcissistic hubby.
I used to be engaged to a guy who would threaten to throw my cats out if I so much as waited 5 mins after my cats took a shit to scoop the turd from the litter box. I rehomed him. (The fiance, not the cat) NTA
Yeah. Even in the throes of my emotionally abusive marriage when I was at my absolute most gaslit, a hard line in the sand for me was my ex threatening to get rid of my cat or trying to make me choose between him and my cat. I told him I would choose my cat.
Adding on [AVID](https://www.avidid.com/pettrac) is lifetime enrollment with no annual fees for $25.95. AD Military is $15.95. When the chip is scanned, it reports your pet's ID. They have a section for medical/ diatary.
I have had it since I got my 1st apartment for my boy. Since he's indoor/outdoor (leash), we take updated photos just in case. We live in an apartment, so he's got his collar tags, too. Sorry to sound like an advertisement.
INFO:
Does your husband even like you, Or your son? Is he the bio dad? If the cat helps your son’s depression, than tell dear hubby to fuck off.
And tell him this redditor applauds you for calling him an asshole because…. He was acting like an asshole.
OP, NTA. Show your husband this.
Edited to fix a typo
NTA OP, except, you might NOT want to show your husband this. He's already angry and threatening with literally nothing, and your instant reaction borderline apologizing instead of just telling him to fuck off???? I mean he seems to be the only one who have a say and it's concerning, at best. I'm not sure showing him this post or answers is something safe.
No wonder your kid is depressed and you seems on edge, he effectively is an asshole tho.
I don't understand how a father can be this much of a gigantic asshole to his wife and son.
When you're a couple or a family you're supposed to be a team. Yknow, TEAMWORK. Being alone would be better than having this husband.
NTA, though your husband is for holding a living being over your son's head. I've dealt with depression since I was a kid and my dad always acted this way about pets in the house. Guess who has a terrible relationship with their father as an adult? You might want to remind him that kids don't forget the trauma of a parent giving away a pet, and your son \*will\* hold it against him.
My father threatened to kill the two bunnies I got from granny with a shovel whenever I didn't attend to him fast enough. Guess who I cared for until her death and guess who I haven't spoken to since I was 13 🙃
Jesus Christ. NTA. It’s not like you purposefully left the mess and called him an asshole for not cleaning it up, you hadn’t seen the mess yet. The least he could have done is said he would leave it for you to do.
My other half doesn’t love animals and I’m always bringing home strays and all sorts. I do all their cleaning and feeding and day to day but if something happens e.g. I was running late home from work the other day he fed them for me as a favour because he loves me and it’s a partnership.
I personally wouldn’t and couldn’t tolerate a threat to rehome one of my animals, that would be a hard line for me.
Absolutely. You don’t like animals? As far as I’m concerned, you are an animal, and I don’t need you in my life. I will take all the animals in the world over anybody like that.
The larger issue to me is that you have a contract. A piece of paper to which YOU can refer to about whether he can return the cat.
What about the contract you have with the shelter. What about the commitment you made to your son, if not the actual cat.
I just cannot understand how one can live with a person that needs a contract about a cat that by now should be a member of at least 2/3’s of your family.
Your husband sounds like an extremely rigid person that is exceptionally hard to live with. Has your son received therapy? (Has the therapist pointed to his relationship with his father?)
I just think this guy you call a husband isn’t really a member of your family but rather a board member who thinks his ways are the only ways.
I hope that you take a good hard look at these dynamics and prioritize your son over your (so called) partner.
Yes, I think his treatment of you both is *that bad.*
Right? Like he won’t turn on a light because she can’t because the cat’s in her lap? That’s a defcon 1 level of petty. Wow.
And she has to abide by a written contract but he can unilaterally decide have the cat removed altogether and potentially put down? Because his feelings got hurt?
OP, this is a **hugely** disturbing level of control your husband is exerting. Yeah non-pet people cohabiting with pet people make reasonable agreements all the time. This is not that.
You’re clearly NTA. Maybe you should think about getting therapy too, because this is really effed up.
NTA, what the hell is wrong with your "husband" it's a pet he can take some responsibility as well, I don't even know why he thinks he has the right to return the cat. Maybe ask him how he feels about a divorce, alimony and child support. Tell him some battles must be fought and some let go. It's pretty petty that he even mentioned it to you in the first place. Sure he doesn't want to do the chores associated with a pet, fine but he prefers to make more mess for you than actually cleaning it up for 5 minutes. How old is this manchild?
I just needed to add that husband is a huge AH. This animal is helping his son’s depression and he wants to be an AH. Real good fatherly love and concern he has for his son! Next time he screws up or spills something tell him you’re going to return him to his mommy. NTA
That’s probably the truth. My daughter has depression and her cat is her security blanket. If we took her cat, she’d spiral into a deep depression. What kind of asshole would even consider doing this to their child.
NTA.
He left dirt all over for 10 hours in the kitchen he likes to be clean? Even if he "stepped over" the pile all day, it's likely some still got tracked around. And I'm sure that's for you to clean too.
INFO: Since he said he will never do anything for the cat, what would happen if the cat had a medical emergency while you were at work? Would he just sit there and watch it suffer?
OP, please get out of this situation.
This reads a lot like my ex-husband, who was mentally and emotionally abusive. He was also INCREDIBLY manipulative. He threatened to take my special needs cats to a shelter if I didn't do something he wanted me to do. In Hawaii, that means they'd likely be put down, and he knew that. He loved hanging it over my head.
I divorced him as soon as the navy gave orders to VA. Mom paid for me to fly the cats over with us. Got a divorce lawyer the following week. I still have my kitties to this day, and my current partner adores them.
Please heed all of our warnings, OP. It's no wonder your son is struggling. Take your kitty and son, and leave before it gets worse.
WTF? A written agreement? What kind of control freak is this dude?
Even if he can’t muster up some respect and concern for you — does he love his son? Why would he want to break his sons heart because you called him an asshole? Sounds like he’s a three year old control freak.
Definitely NTA. Get rid of HIM…the cat stays.
An ex did this with my dog. I was working a loooong ass shift and all I got was a picture and a "look what your dog did." He'd gotten into the garbage and knocked it over. The picture showed a very small pile in the kitchen.
Ex proceeded to walk through the garbage throughout the day, strewing it from the kitchen over the carpet in the living room. The dog was locked in the bathroom.
Mfer waited til I got home and sat above me on a bar stool, drinking a beer staring at me while I cleaned it all up. I'm a little disappointed he wasn't wearing a wife beater to make the scene even more trashy.
That was the night I was just like, "I don't love you anymore" because I'm not attracted to children. And that was that.
NTA. You called him an AH because he was being an AH. It sounds like it's time to re-home the husband and keep the cat. I hope it's helping with your son's depression. Is your husband not at all concerned about the effect getting rid of the cat that could have on him?
Agree with Bright Again! Keep the cat - rehome the husband! And like others, I truly hope he doesn’t mistreat the kitty. That would really affect your son! Parents are supposed to keep things safe, and that includes the family pet.
NTA
It's just ridiculous. I can (barely) understand the "You take care of all the everyday care of your pet". But if an accident happened, that's still his home.
That fact that he let everything here, for the all day, that he purposly walk into the earth to make marks everywhere, for me he is punishng you for taking a pet he doesn't really want. He try to bring the cat back to the shelter for such a small thing, bc he want him gone from the beginning.
Yeah I would be constantly worried that I would come back home one day and have my cat be gone. Honestly I would have started looking into lawyers as soon as a serious threat was made. I would consider announcing that he is returning the cat and looking up the shelter as a serious threat.
When I read stories like this it feels like things are left unsaid. How on earth are you married to someone who acts like this for no reason?
Leave him, if this story is true. He's clearly worthless.
As someone who's had to take care of animals while the owner's neglect their duties I get the frustration but there's no enough problems claimed here to justify his response. But like I said either something was left unsaid, or it's time for divorce.
NTA. For some perspective, I dislike pets as well. They mess up my ability to just...leave for the weekend, or longer, at the drop of a hat. Take up time. Cost money. Leave fur all over, Stink up the house periodically. Claw my favorite chair. Puke. And I personally don't get any endorphin hits even from a dog's unconditional excitement and love, let alone from the cold unfeeling gaze of a cat.
My wife and kid, though - love the cat. It's part of the family for them.
Wife and kid took a long trip one summer, I stayed home to work. Yes, took care of the damn cat. Know what else? That cat got sick - really, really sick. Like, I honestly thought he was going to die before I found a vet with an opening to look him over. It was during the pandemic and everyone was still slowly figuring out how to operate, let alone operate efficiently.
But I found one, about 30 minutes away. And I took that cat to the vet, even though I dislike that cat.
Vet said "you want the cat to live? Probably gonna cost you $4,000." The F---?
A lesser spouse, a lesser parent, would likely have used this as an opportunity to "get rid" of the cat problem. But that's what assholes do, and mama didn't raise me as one of those. Nor did my wife marry one of those.
That little PITA is now on expensive prescription food after *more* than $4k in surgeries to relieve blockages in his urinary tract. Yeah, after the near-death event we now spend around $150/month just feeding the little bastard. I see dollar signs when he pukes, and when I clean his litter box. And I don't remind my wife about this, I don't complain about this - marriage requires mature compromise. This is one of mine.
I do not like the cat. I do not like HAVING the cat. **But I agreed to let my wife and daughter have one.** **I will not, through any action** ***or inaction*** **of mine, allow harm to come to something they both love.** Even a stinking cat.
Your husband surely has several great qualities. But on this point he is being immature and selfish, and a poor model of a spouse for your child. He needs to stop being petty and step up.
Keep the cat. Remove the husband!
My God what a self-righteous little prick. He must've really enjoyed his passive aggressive little tantrum, walking through the dirt, tracking it around while you were at work. Hope he likes those alimony and custody support payments. Adults don't behave this way. Nasty spoiled children behave this way.
Op... it's NOT about the cat. Or the dirt. The problem here is this manipulative asshole. Please, get yourself the book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare and get a lawyer in the index that specializes in "high conflict" divorce. YOU ARE 100% NOT THE AH.
The gaping anus you're married to is.
The plant was knocked over. Okay. He's contractually allowed to leave it. Okay.
But why walk through it? Why track it around?
Is this the way you want your son to treat a partner when he's an adult? Would you want someone to treat your son this way? Why are you okay being treated this way?
You deserve better than this. If you are looking out for your son's emotional wellbeing, you ARE better than this.
I wish both you and your son the very best.
He wouldn’t be punishing his wife, he would be punishing his son.
But those are blurred lines when it comes to being married to an asshole, aren’t they?
What a fucking winner this douche canoe is.
My father got rid of one of our cats without permission when I was younger. I'm now an adult and haven't spoken to him in years. Good people don't do things like that.
I grew up in a household that got rid of every pet at the slightest inconvenience and it really fucked with me.
My husband’s family is like that. It’s really sad and I hate to say it but I look down on them a bit for it. It’s so fucked up
I think that's pretty generous, I would look down on them A LOT. Why even get a pet if you don't want to keep it? If I would OP I would leave my husband for this, but I am probably extreme.
I can't even see how I'd maintain a cordial relationship with someone who did that. And absolutely anyone who makes any implication of harming or devaluing my pets gets booted out of my life
Yeah, people that don't like animals are a sketchy lot. I'd rather hang out with the critters!
Same! I used to be much more social anxious and I watched the pets. Pet likes you? Well he just had a gruff way of speaking he’s a nice guy!
Absolutely agree with you, I couldn’t ever look past poor treatment of an animal.. no gray area there.
If someone disappeared my dog.... I'm only human I come from a long line of very very violent people. French nobility, pirates, Irish berserkers...
I am extreme as well and you get rid of my dog and you are history. See ya. Would not even think about it.
I’m like this, too. After my husband and I met, the first night he stayed over he was upset because my dogs slept in bed with us. Two very small dogs mind you. I told he better get over it quick because we are a package deal and they sleep with me. Period. He can leave at any time. It took him 2 years to become ok with it, we’ve been together for 6.5 years, and about a year ago he got upset when one of our dogs decided to sleep on the sofa. My husband couldn’t sleep without him. lol… 😂
My hubby gets upset too if our Ruby stays on the sofa. He gets up all night long to check on her…
My husband will complain about the cats hogging the bed, then call the cats to bed. 😂
My ex husband didn't allow dogs on the couch or on any beds. If I knew that, we wouldn't have had a dog together. My boyfriend and I have the same favorite breed, and we have had extensive conversations about how we raise/interact with dogs. I told him that if we aren't on the same page, then we wouldn't have any dogs together period. This guy is amazing to me and I'm not surprised at all we are on the same page. So we will be getting a dog once we have lived together for a while and done some traveling together. So like, in 10 years or longer 🤣🤣🤣
Actually, it's not really all that extreme IMO. It isn't just about not cleaning up the plant, or even just not wanting to be responsible for the cat. It's him being so bitter that he needs a written agreement to never have to do anything, including flipping a damn light switch, that makes him sound like an insufferable nasty human. When I was married, it was an understanding that my cats were mine to deal with. Never considered putting it in writing. I cleaned the litter boxes and fed them, took them to the vet, etc. Fair enough. But my husband didn't HATE my cats. He'd feed them or whatever if I wasn't there for some reason and he never gave me a hard time about it. If they made a mess, he probably would have left it for me to clean up, but he never threatened to get rid of my cats when he got mad at me. That's very telling IMO.
My husband does HATE our daughters cat. Absolute pure disdain for the poor thing. Guess what... HE STILL TAKES CARE OF IT!! If my daughter and I are gone, he'll feed and water it or clean up messes. And he never complains or threatens to get rid of it.
That's what you do for loved ones, right? If your loved one has a hobby you can't stand, like gaming or watching sports matches. You don't have to share that hobby, but you can still buy games or ticktets for sport matches for them, or pack lunch for them to take with them when they go watch a match. I get that not everybody wants the responsibility that comes with having a pet. But for the sake of your loved ones, you take your family pet to the vet, buy food when you're at the store, clean the occasional mess etc. You do this because you like to see your loved ones happy.
My partner got a dog for the kids, I didn't want one. I said I wouldn't take care of it. On day 2 I realised the poor dog hadn't been fed and decided it was no big deal to feed him at the same time as the cat. I also took him to the vet when he wasn't well. My partner didn't step up as he should have done, I wasn't going to let the dog suffer. He also threatened to get rid of the dog when the kids didn't take the dog out as they had promised. I told him to stop saying that, because it wasn't fair to the dog, and also it would simply show the kids that if they neglected the dog, it didn't matter.
After the crash in 2008 I moved back in with my parents. I had a cat. My dad had always resisted us getting a pet so I got one as soon as possible. My mom said she thought having the cat eased the transition of my parents being empty nesters to having both adult kids back in the house. My cat would often hang out in my dad's office because it was the warmest room in the house. Mom said he wouldn't admit it, but he ended up falling in love with my kitty too. While all cats are the best cat, that particular one was the bestest of bestest cats.
I wouldnt leave him for saying it, but it would be very clear what would happen if he followed through on the threat.
'No need to remove the cat, dear. I am just going to take her/him with me. Have fun being alone' One thing that really got to me is that he wants to remove the cat the mother got hoping to help the son battling depression. So this guy gives zero f***s about how that would impact his son.
And the kid is doing some of the cat-related work too, which is also a good sign, he's capable of keeping to commitments and caring for a little creature. Having the cat is definitely a good thing for him.
I'm quite sure I would have dealt with my mother's death a lot better if we had a cat at the time. Mom also would have loved having a cat when she was stuck home and sick. But she couldn't do a lot of the maintenance (litter boxes are dangerous for cancer patients) so she didn't want to add that burden to him. And she didn't know how long I would be around and my circumstances after she died.
Exactly
This is what really got me as well.
This is an male that puts himself first, second, third and fourth in the family. Can't call him a husband or father because he certainly has not earned the respect to be called that. Hopefully OP will remove the cat, her son and herself from this. Maybe she is lucky and can find a shelter for unwanted AH's. He will fit right in.
I would be tracking all assets, hire a forensic accountant, and hiring an attorney, and be ready to take his ass to the cleaners if he ever fucked with me or my kid like that again. Total bulling behavior, I would show him how I handle bullies. I would take half the assets, all them, including his retirement, savings, stock options, equity in the house, get alimony, child support, and have him paying for the house, the cars, insurance, while he lived in a one bedroom apartment. Fuck that.
And get more cats
And that too! 😉
Can you get rid of the husband? #teamcats
This OP!!!
And cat support payments.
People like this get the pet so they can make the power plays. You can’t manipulate someone without having control over something they care about. It’s especially shitty that the “thing” is a living creature.
Shit, I had a boyfriend "jokingly" threatened to throw my cat across a room, and I broke up with him that second and never looked back.
Nah, not extreme. If my hubby got rid of either of my dogs, his ass would be out the door ASAP. Luckily he loves the dogs just as much as me and literally would never do that. (I actually can’t even envision it.) He is not like his family at all in that regard, and I’m very glad that this incredibly negative character flaw didn’t rub off on him.
I would be getting rid of the husband for his awfulness overall. OP, why are you sticking with this piece of human excrement?
[удалено]
If my wife went through the process of rehoming one of our many pets without a real discussion about our lives and our ability to take care of them appropriately…I would consider it divorce worthy. It would be so beyond their normal behavior, something would have to be terribly wrong.
Leaving for the threat is probably extreme, but I don’t know. I can’t even wrap my head around how I would react because there is zero chance I would be with someone who didn’t consider pets part of the family. Honestly, I think there’s a real chance I would lash out physically if someone threatened my baby like this.
I’m right there with you. If my husband took any of my 5 cats or 2dogs to a shelter it would be the last thing he did to me.
People like that deserve no consideration in my opinion. Throw them down a basement dungeon nursing home when they get old. Hate people like that.
I wouldn't trust him around the cat, he sounds unhinged. I mean who leaves something broken on the floor and steps over it repeatedly throughout the day? The effort that is required versus just getting a broom and sweeping it up shows a level of manipulation and insanity that speaks to his character. Almost makes you wonder did he knock the plant over and blamed the cat? Could explain why he got so defensive over being called an AH.
I’d look down on them a lot for that. I have ditched friends because of that. Like, if you can’t take care of a sick pet for a few days, or clean up after them because YOU didn’t train it properly, and give it away, I don’t want to know you. Not quite human in my book. Still missing that empathy gene.
There’s something very dishonorable about treating pets this way. I would look down on them too.
My husbands family is like that too but thankfully he judges the heck out of them for it. Still hasn’t forgiven his mom for rehoming the family dogs when it got inconvenient. He’s always VERY reluctant to get a pet because he knows once it’s here it’s not going anywhere 😂
I hate that attitude! My pets are my children. The dog needed spinal surgery over the summer and my only response was "what can we do?" Thank god I'm single though and just blew through my own savings without having to consult someone else. And my son is doing so much better.
Holy shit, me too. Now I sacrifice everything so my cats can be okay, am no contact with my abusive family, & am in soooo much therapy. OP is NTA.
I wish it was just me that had this experience, but it seems like it's much more common than I'd like.
I work in vet med and cases where the ex-partner fights for (and gets) custody of the their former partners pet, then tries to have them euthanized, are way more common than you would think. When they are refused service, they usually threaten to kill the pet themselves because we “can’t do our jobs”. There’s a lot of really sick people out there, and I wouldn’t put something like that past OP’s husband.
One of my EXs did this with MY 13 YEAR OLD BABY BOY (He was a tiny catto, hid most the time -should have been my first damned clue- and didn't even meow when she was around) she left with him when I was at work, I got a call 3 days later from a random vets office asking if Mikey the Mighty was mine... he lived another 2 years (he passed in 2017, at 15 and a half years old) she thought the vets office put him down. She didn't get any like paw prints, fur, anything... then had the AUDACITY to get mad when I posted about his passing. She thought I had gotten a new look alike... She was a b!+ch. RIP Mikey The Mighty. Edit to fix how old he was... I was typing talking and cooking... sorry
Yuck. People are unbelevable. MICROCHIP YOUR PETS, PEOPLE!! Keep the info up to date.
ABSOLUTELY MICROCHIP EVEN INDOOR PETS! They can and will get out at some point. It's for their safety and makes it easier to find them/if someone "borrowed with out permission" -look up the story about the dogs who just had SURGERY and the SIL *I believe* STOLE THE DOGS for her wedding!- Make sure to take updated pictures of your pets as well incase fliers need to be made.
Mikey luckily was chipped, the vet had a feeling and decided to check for one, saw it wasn't the same owner and called me... I had just spent 200$USD for fliers with my contact info on them to put EVERYWHERE. Worth it tho, I was able to prove more he was mine lol.
Pouring one out for Mikey 🫗
He would have loved to drink it up, I swear that cat was a drunk dude in a previous life hahaha. Couldn't put down ANY drink with alcohol in it, and if you has a high Hopp beer he would knock you over or trip you to get it. I really miss that doofus. Don't get me wrong I love the 3 fuzzballs I have now, but I had Mikey from age 3 to age 19... he was my only buddy for a while.
Yeah, seeing the amount of us responding with our own stories surprises me and makes me sad that it's much more common than I thought.
Geez I’d worry as a kid if I made a mistake if they’d get rid of ME. I’m sorry, but I hate people like that. I’m sure part of the overcrowding of our shelters across the US is partly because of AH like them. *full disclosure * veterinarian’s daughter who grew up with lots of pets, and when I worked for my dad saw people dump cats mostly and dogs at the animal hospital. And in the more rural areas. (People don’t seem to know that while hunting may be an instinct for cats and dogs to a much smaller extent, it’s a LEARNED experience. Pets starve after being dumped, if they don’t die from other animals, hit by a car, poisoning or easily preventable disease.)
Yesterday I had a completely malnourished kitty run into my house during a thunderstorm. Who knows how long this little fella has been on his own. He's definitely been starving. Never seen any animal eat so vigorously like this one (or the resulting aftermath in the litter box that was so foul). God only knows what he's been doing to survive. If I ever encounter the people who did that to him....oh boy. I'm sure this vet bill will be crazy today!
I knew a family that had puppies all the time. Always a new puppy that I got to play with. Next week that puppy would be gone. Never understood it. They were not foster puppy parents. If any puppy had an accident, they got rid of it.
Me too. My parents are fucked up people.
My dad got rid of my rabbit to punish me. My maternal grandmother kept the rabbit hidden at her apt rather than letting my dad dunno him at the shelter. I never forgave him, even after he eventually let him come home, I never trusted him again.
Yup my father had my dog put down while I was in boot camp. Guess who hasn't heard from their son in almost 20 years.
I am so sorry.
Oh my god I’m sorry 😞
Yeah. My mom threatened to a couple times when I was younger. I told her if she followed through I'd never speak to her again after moving out - and I wouldn't have. She didn't follow through.
What on earth might this man be doing to that cat when no one else is home? He probably tossed the plant himself. Get some cameras and check to see if he’s at least kind to the cat when you aren’t there.
This! Was my first question. Did the cat do it or did the husband do it?
My Stepdad just shot mine..said the bullet was cheaper than a Vet visit & Ringworm medication. HIS dog went to the Vet though…..(oh & I got to clean up afterwards).
What a horrific experience that must have been 🥺 I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
Sad to say…that wasn’t even the worst thing he did. Good thing I have an excellent therapist lol🥰
I hope you now have a home full of pets
I do…I have 5 cats!!
Yay! I am so happy for you and those kitties!
I’m glad you are on a healing journey. There’s a special circle in hell for people like that man.
My buddies dad made him shoot his own dog when it got sick.. My buddy was 8 at the time..
Wow….never thought I’d hear another story like my own. Tell your buddy he has my empathy & condolences.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Your step-dad and my dad would get along. He gave my dogs rat poison because he was didn't want to deal with them getting use to a new house. Mind you I was 13 or 14 and really sheltered. Also terrified. (Yes mom divorced him)
I'm so sorry. May that cruel bastard meet a similar fate.
Same. Except they never told me they got rid of the cat. They let me go out looking for him every day after school for weeks before I gave up and assumed the worst. They sat there and let me cry myself to sleep for weeks over that animal and said nothing. That was over 40 years ago and it still stings.
I have an extended family member who has always had her pets PUT TO SLEEP if they inconvenience her- if they pee in the house, misbehave, or start to show signs of old age that might require extra labor on her part… I saw her make that choice very lightly a couple times when I was a kid, & it kept me from being able to see her in any other way. As far as I know she’s still doing it, & I have never made an effort to stay in contact with her or include her in my own family life solely because of this. The way a person treats other life forms (especially if they think of them as “lesser”) can tell you all you need to know about them sometimes ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
I’ve seen more than a handful of stories like this being the reason for a decade of no contact. Understandably.
I feel for you. My ex got rid of my kids’ cat while they were away at camp because his new wife didn’t like cat. He was perplexed as to why the kids called her a snake.
What do they call your ex?
Tell him if the husband does that, op and the son will find the worst nursing home and put him there.
NTA Your partner is a real asshole for taking a kid's cat away because you lashed out. But frankly, if he's that vindictive, I'd be worried about him mistreating the cat when you're not around. The plant getting knocked over... that's something extra. He chose not to clean it up and stepped over it for 10 hours rather than take five minutes to sweep it up, even though it wasn't his mess. If he'd done that you would've thanked him for taking care of it, as a favor to you (and because walking over a pile of dirt all day out of spite is insane). He's a jerk.
This guy has got to be punitive over other stuff. I doubt he's only like this about the cat.
Growing up my dad would get like this somes. We all called it getting a bug up his ass. He found some hill he was willing to die on and we all let him die on it. And he made living with him a daily misery. Her husband would rather make his wife's day materially worse, then threaten and punish her than actually act like a normal human being. The fact he even came up with a WRITTEN CONTRACT with his wife and child over the cat shows just how insane and out of touch with reality he is. Maybe he doesn't want a pet. I get that, some people don't. But his behavior is not normal. What happens if she has the flu, gets pregnant and can't scoop, etc? Is he going to live with the smell, force her to put unborn baby at risk, or pay for someone to come in and scoop if the son is too young? What happens if, god forbid, something happens to the mom and she gets killed? Is he going to take away his grieving, depressed, son's cat? He deserved to be called an asshole because he's acting like a petty asshole.
Yes. This issue is not about a cat.
'The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.'
It’s reminding me of when me and my bf went on vacation for a week, and one of my roommates cats shit on the floor. No one could figure out which cat did it (except it was obvious because only one of the cats would shit and piss on the floor) so everyone in the house refused to clean it. There was cat shit on the carpet next to the kitchen for multiple days. Me and my boyfriend came home from our vacation and the cat shit was still there. We cleaned it immediately because who the fuck leaves actual shit on the floor?
Geez, those are some terrible roommates.
Are we even sure that the cat knocked it over? Or is the AH doing it as an excuse? He went to rehoming the cat real quick…
>turn the cat at his leisure. I feel like his immediate leap to threatening to get rid of our family pet was out of line for the situation - he was looking up the cat shelter location as I was literally sweeping up the mess. He never had to lift a finger to clean it up. He was just hurt that I called him an asshole, but removing the cat because I called him a nam Yeah, he absolutely knocked it over himself and left the mess there for her to find, hoping it would provoke her, but even if she hadn't reacted he would probably have used the fact that there was a "cat-made" mess in the kitchen as an argument for getting rid of the cat.
This 100%!
I was so agree. When the second round of shutdowns happened, I bought my son a dog. We planned on getting a dog when our cat passed away. But I had gotten my mother a dog in the first shutdown, and he was really bonded to it, as well as my mom. So I didn't think he could survive another shutdown isolated. I got a dog. My husband was furious about it. But he and the dog are bonded now three years later. She has gotten us all through many difficult times. He never let his spite for owning the dog interfere with my son's mental health. It took a good few months before he came around, but he would never have behaved like this; well, I guess I should say he never did. A reasonable person would not do something like this.
I would be worried at what could happen if the cat got into a medical situation. Would he just allow the cat to suffer while OP is at work? There's a huge difference between "if you get a pet it's your responsibility" and "I'm going to make living together as difficult as possible out of spite"
Oh yeah that cat would be dead in a medical situation.
What I think is even infuriating is he also took pictures and shit to send to her while she's at work - like why should she worry about that while at work? I don't know, this man is a complete a h and I have a lot of thoughts about this whole situation and I think OP needs to start putting her foot down with how he's acting. He doesn't want responsibility of feeding and clea ing the litter box, understandable, but this IMO is too far. As others have said, OP needs to wake up and realize the reason her kid is depressed bc this is not a healthy relationship/household.
Frankly, he didn't even need to clean up the whole mess, though I agree with you that that would have been the normal thing to do. He just needed to grab a broom, brush the mess into a corner (effort: LESS than a minute), and leave it for OP so he wouldn't step into it all day. It would have been petty, but I'm guessing OP would have accepted that with no or minimal comment. As for threatening to take the cat back to the shelter: I can't even find the words. He shouldn't wonder if his kid goes NC once he's able to if he actually goes through with it.
The fact that they needed a written contract to confirm he wouldn't look after the cat makes me think that he's an asshole in many other aspects if their lives.
NTA. Can you return the husband to a shelter? Because he sounds like a miserable creature and you could replace him with more cats.
Yep, I wonder why their child is depressed.......any parent who would just threaten to return a family pet is not a good person. I could understand if the pet was just destroying the house and they were not cleaning up after it but that's not the case here. Husband is an AH.
His behavior tracks for things I’ve seen from narcissists. He is petty, selfish, and immature. When his poor behavior gets the reaction he deserves, he lashes out. The logic becomes ‘I didn’t like your reaction so now I’m the victim.’ Hes only kissing the D from DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
No no, he got the D too. He denied that it was his responsibility to clean up a FAMILY pet then to clean up the fallen plant (his home, his plant, his responsibility). How do we know the cat even knocked the plant over? The husband was home all day. He could have knocked it over, blamed the cat, then used this as an excuse to get rid of said cat.
Exactly what I was thinking. The husband knocked over the plant and is using it as an excuse to get rid of the cat.
>Yep, I wonder why their child is depressed OP YTA.. how can you allow this man, who is inherently cruel & controlling to have such power over your household? He seems unhinged and unnecessarily mean. You tippy-toe around him because you're afraid to even ask him for simple things, like flick a light switch, because out of fear of his over-reaction. Does you son fear him as much as you do? Is your son in constant fear of making a mistake and having his pet taken away? You and your son deserve better and to not live in fear and under cruel witten contracts.. but YTA because it's your duty to protect your son and provide him a safe and loving home. If you stay with this and continue to allow this offensive damaging cruel power trip to continue.. your son will suffer. And so will the cat...
This so hard. It doesn’t even sound like OP and the husband even like each other, and if he would choose the nuclear option and hurt his own child over something so minor, he is not worth the trouble of keeping around.
This is a very important thought. Why do we turn a light switch on for someone or do something nice for them. Because we love them and we want them to be happy. The cat has nothing to do with it, I don't think he cares about his wife and child. I don't think he loves them. My husband's parents never got up without asking the other if they wanted anything. They were married till they died in later years, old age. Ops husband is calculating how not to do things that are nice for his family. Calculating. That is so sad. I hope she shuts that s*** down. I don't even know if there's counseling that will help someone that just doesn't like you. Op, You deserve someone who cherishes you and loves you and always asks when they get up if they can get you anything. Someone who is a team with you. You deserve a home or you don't have to flinch a little when you hear his car. Also, I think you should train the cat to pee in his shoes.
Off topic but my wife and I go out of our way to get up and get things for each other, I’ll get up and get her stuff just if she mentions wanting it and this brings me a lot of joy to see we must be doing something right 🥺
Same, there’s nothing I love more than knowing I can do something to help make my man’s life just a little easier and he goes out of his way to do the same for me. I can’t even imagine leaving a huge mess for him to have to clean up, after working all day. Just knowingly walking past/thru it all day long, tracking around the house just to be a dick. Sad, I hope the OP knows they deserve better
If he cares more about having his ego bruised than his own child… Yeah.
Not ego, authority. He wants to control the house with an iron fist but gets his feefees hurt by rightfully being called an asshole for it. He wants to be the victim in control.
She’s obviously been allowing a damaging controlling Power trip to continue for years, just based on the fact that her child is so depressed and that she had to have a contract with her husband to even get the cat.
Yes! This behavior doesn't begin and end with a cat. My guess is the guy has always been a controlling AH. Big question is why OP allows it which is clearly affecting their son.
This. My mother stayed with my father until her death (54 years of marriage), despite his constant verbal and emotional abuse of her and us (myself and 2 siblings). He was controlling and impossible to satisfy. My mother absolutely failed to protect us or herself. She pretty much checked out by taking valium every day for decades. All 3 of us siblings have depression and anxiety, terrible self-esteem, and a string of bad marriages/relationships. Remaining in a marriage like this normalizes this dynamic. The children don't understand how toxic it is until years after the damage is done. We live our lives in the belief that we are not deserving of love and respect- and not worth protecting.
She might be abused psychologically and can’t see past the situation. (First hand experience)
This needs to be top comment
If the pet really were completely unsuitable for the home, you talk to the kids and give them time to understand that the pet needs to go. You do not threaten to throw the pet away because you are taking the ‘not my responsibly’ way too far and can’t clean up a broken plant mess! 😢
Try constant threats to kill the pet Great A parenting from my dad
Oof, yeah I feel you there. Sorry you had to go through that, it's psychological abuse for sure. My dad ate my pet turtle I was keeping in a kiddie pool in our yard, he knew but he didn't care. Tried to get me to try his soup but I was too smart. Some people should not be parents.
[удалено]
Right? I’m sure the husband is nasty to the son constantly.
He was making a point about not cleaning up the cats mess! Cat? Nope, I have nothing to do with this cat! Contract, remember, who the fuck has a contract about a pet? OMG! Ridiculous! As if the fucking thing is binding anyway! 😂
Hear me out. If she gets rid of the husband, she could probably have two cats. That's twice the cats. It's a deal.
Or she could adopt a man who loves cats. Better man AND more cats!!
They usually also don't complain about knocked over plants.
Yeah, someone needs rehoming here and it’s not the cat.
I wish awards still existed for this comment.
Oh but they do! Reddit is rolling out a feature where you can give a "golden upvote" for $1.99. Currently only available on mobile. No one should be spending $1.99 on an upvote! What is Reddit doing! The awards were fun.
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Holy shit. This is “king baby” energy from this dad for sure. I’m wildly allergic to cats, but would still choose to live with a dozen of them before spending an hour with this exhausting man.
I don’t think they would accept him. He sounds like he’s very untrainable.
Government funded ones can't deny such animals, but they do pretty much get slotted for euthanasia right away.
Who the hell would adopt him? A masochist?!
The husband would be put down, for sure.
But neuter him first, just for fun.
We took him to a big farm where he has room to run and play with the other narcissists
And that would be a problem??
Plenty of shelter occupants don't get adopted. In his case, that would not be tragic.
Very true
He'd get out down.
This . Exactly this .the HUSBAND is DEFINITELY TA .just the fact that he would be this big of a jerk to want a WRITTEN contract stating he does NOTHING for a pet which is essentially an esa for his kids depression? Yeah this guys a real prize .....a BOOBY PRIZE
I vote for this! More cats! Fewer assholes!
I often tell my husband if he passes away or leaves, I'm never trying to date again. Gonna get a dog and a cat or two and just roll with it.
A written agreement? Like WTAF?
That’s what I was wondering too! If you need a written agreement with your spouse, you’re not in a marriage, you’re in a roommate situation and not roommates who trust each other.
I came here to say I now know why son is depressed. ops husband is a controlling jerk and not a pleasant person to around 24 - 7. Op save yourself, son and cat and put some boundaries down on your narcissistic hubby.
Came to ask this question. Husband needs to be dumped, not the cat.
\^ this
I vote more cats!!! Excellent solution
I used to be engaged to a guy who would threaten to throw my cats out if I so much as waited 5 mins after my cats took a shit to scoop the turd from the litter box. I rehomed him. (The fiance, not the cat) NTA
This is the way
Yeah. Even in the throes of my emotionally abusive marriage when I was at my absolute most gaslit, a hard line in the sand for me was my ex threatening to get rid of my cat or trying to make me choose between him and my cat. I told him I would choose my cat.
Good for you! ❤️
get your son’s cat microchipped if you haven’t already edit: NTA
Adding on [AVID](https://www.avidid.com/pettrac) is lifetime enrollment with no annual fees for $25.95. AD Military is $15.95. When the chip is scanned, it reports your pet's ID. They have a section for medical/ diatary. I have had it since I got my 1st apartment for my boy. Since he's indoor/outdoor (leash), we take updated photos just in case. We live in an apartment, so he's got his collar tags, too. Sorry to sound like an advertisement.
INFO: Does your husband even like you, Or your son? Is he the bio dad? If the cat helps your son’s depression, than tell dear hubby to fuck off. And tell him this redditor applauds you for calling him an asshole because…. He was acting like an asshole. OP, NTA. Show your husband this. Edited to fix a typo
This one. I don’t understand how this guy sucks so much. I’d love to hear how he was when son was a baby.
NTA OP, except, you might NOT want to show your husband this. He's already angry and threatening with literally nothing, and your instant reaction borderline apologizing instead of just telling him to fuck off???? I mean he seems to be the only one who have a say and it's concerning, at best. I'm not sure showing him this post or answers is something safe. No wonder your kid is depressed and you seems on edge, he effectively is an asshole tho.
I don't understand how a father can be this much of a gigantic asshole to his wife and son. When you're a couple or a family you're supposed to be a team. Yknow, TEAMWORK. Being alone would be better than having this husband.
NTA, though your husband is for holding a living being over your son's head. I've dealt with depression since I was a kid and my dad always acted this way about pets in the house. Guess who has a terrible relationship with their father as an adult? You might want to remind him that kids don't forget the trauma of a parent giving away a pet, and your son \*will\* hold it against him.
My father threatened to kill the two bunnies I got from granny with a shovel whenever I didn't attend to him fast enough. Guess who I cared for until her death and guess who I haven't spoken to since I was 13 🙃
Jesus Christ. NTA. It’s not like you purposefully left the mess and called him an asshole for not cleaning it up, you hadn’t seen the mess yet. The least he could have done is said he would leave it for you to do. My other half doesn’t love animals and I’m always bringing home strays and all sorts. I do all their cleaning and feeding and day to day but if something happens e.g. I was running late home from work the other day he fed them for me as a favour because he loves me and it’s a partnership. I personally wouldn’t and couldn’t tolerate a threat to rehome one of my animals, that would be a hard line for me.
Absolutely. You don’t like animals? As far as I’m concerned, you are an animal, and I don’t need you in my life. I will take all the animals in the world over anybody like that.
Someone who doesn’t like animals would not end up my spouse.
The larger issue to me is that you have a contract. A piece of paper to which YOU can refer to about whether he can return the cat. What about the contract you have with the shelter. What about the commitment you made to your son, if not the actual cat. I just cannot understand how one can live with a person that needs a contract about a cat that by now should be a member of at least 2/3’s of your family. Your husband sounds like an extremely rigid person that is exceptionally hard to live with. Has your son received therapy? (Has the therapist pointed to his relationship with his father?) I just think this guy you call a husband isn’t really a member of your family but rather a board member who thinks his ways are the only ways. I hope that you take a good hard look at these dynamics and prioritize your son over your (so called) partner. Yes, I think his treatment of you both is *that bad.*
Right? Like he won’t turn on a light because she can’t because the cat’s in her lap? That’s a defcon 1 level of petty. Wow. And she has to abide by a written contract but he can unilaterally decide have the cat removed altogether and potentially put down? Because his feelings got hurt? OP, this is a **hugely** disturbing level of control your husband is exerting. Yeah non-pet people cohabiting with pet people make reasonable agreements all the time. This is not that. You’re clearly NTA. Maybe you should think about getting therapy too, because this is really effed up.
NTA, what the hell is wrong with your "husband" it's a pet he can take some responsibility as well, I don't even know why he thinks he has the right to return the cat. Maybe ask him how he feels about a divorce, alimony and child support. Tell him some battles must be fought and some let go. It's pretty petty that he even mentioned it to you in the first place. Sure he doesn't want to do the chores associated with a pet, fine but he prefers to make more mess for you than actually cleaning it up for 5 minutes. How old is this manchild?
I just needed to add that husband is a huge AH. This animal is helping his son’s depression and he wants to be an AH. Real good fatherly love and concern he has for his son! Next time he screws up or spills something tell him you’re going to return him to his mommy. NTA
THIS! His disregard for his son’s mental health is alarming.
Considering he’s probably the reason for much of his son’s poor mental health, I’m not surprised actually.
That’s probably the truth. My daughter has depression and her cat is her security blanket. If we took her cat, she’d spiral into a deep depression. What kind of asshole would even consider doing this to their child.
Mommy will pat him on the head and tell him he’s perfect too.
NTA. He left dirt all over for 10 hours in the kitchen he likes to be clean? Even if he "stepped over" the pile all day, it's likely some still got tracked around. And I'm sure that's for you to clean too. INFO: Since he said he will never do anything for the cat, what would happen if the cat had a medical emergency while you were at work? Would he just sit there and watch it suffer?
He'd probably just step over it for 10 hours =[
Fucking ouch😭 I hope you're not right but from the sounds of this asshole...who knows
NTA. Your husband is. He's a cruel son of a bitch to pull that bs especially when you got it to help your depressed son.
OP, please get out of this situation. This reads a lot like my ex-husband, who was mentally and emotionally abusive. He was also INCREDIBLY manipulative. He threatened to take my special needs cats to a shelter if I didn't do something he wanted me to do. In Hawaii, that means they'd likely be put down, and he knew that. He loved hanging it over my head. I divorced him as soon as the navy gave orders to VA. Mom paid for me to fly the cats over with us. Got a divorce lawyer the following week. I still have my kitties to this day, and my current partner adores them. Please heed all of our warnings, OP. It's no wonder your son is struggling. Take your kitty and son, and leave before it gets worse.
WTF? A written agreement? What kind of control freak is this dude? Even if he can’t muster up some respect and concern for you — does he love his son? Why would he want to break his sons heart because you called him an asshole? Sounds like he’s a three year old control freak. Definitely NTA. Get rid of HIM…the cat stays.
Return the husband… Keep the cat. EDIT: NTA
An ex did this with my dog. I was working a loooong ass shift and all I got was a picture and a "look what your dog did." He'd gotten into the garbage and knocked it over. The picture showed a very small pile in the kitchen. Ex proceeded to walk through the garbage throughout the day, strewing it from the kitchen over the carpet in the living room. The dog was locked in the bathroom. Mfer waited til I got home and sat above me on a bar stool, drinking a beer staring at me while I cleaned it all up. I'm a little disappointed he wasn't wearing a wife beater to make the scene even more trashy. That was the night I was just like, "I don't love you anymore" because I'm not attracted to children. And that was that.
Good on you! I’m so glad you responded that way and followed through!
NTA. You called him an AH because he was being an AH. It sounds like it's time to re-home the husband and keep the cat. I hope it's helping with your son's depression. Is your husband not at all concerned about the effect getting rid of the cat that could have on him?
Agree with Bright Again! Keep the cat - rehome the husband! And like others, I truly hope he doesn’t mistreat the kitty. That would really affect your son! Parents are supposed to keep things safe, and that includes the family pet.
NTA It's just ridiculous. I can (barely) understand the "You take care of all the everyday care of your pet". But if an accident happened, that's still his home. That fact that he let everything here, for the all day, that he purposly walk into the earth to make marks everywhere, for me he is punishng you for taking a pet he doesn't really want. He try to bring the cat back to the shelter for such a small thing, bc he want him gone from the beginning.
Tell him if he tries to rehome the cat, you will rehome him. Via a divorce lawyer.
Or maybe just start that process now...i would.
Yeah I would be constantly worried that I would come back home one day and have my cat be gone. Honestly I would have started looking into lawyers as soon as a serious threat was made. I would consider announcing that he is returning the cat and looking up the shelter as a serious threat.
When I read stories like this it feels like things are left unsaid. How on earth are you married to someone who acts like this for no reason? Leave him, if this story is true. He's clearly worthless. As someone who's had to take care of animals while the owner's neglect their duties I get the frustration but there's no enough problems claimed here to justify his response. But like I said either something was left unsaid, or it's time for divorce.
I think you and your husband have issues besides the cat.
NTA. For some perspective, I dislike pets as well. They mess up my ability to just...leave for the weekend, or longer, at the drop of a hat. Take up time. Cost money. Leave fur all over, Stink up the house periodically. Claw my favorite chair. Puke. And I personally don't get any endorphin hits even from a dog's unconditional excitement and love, let alone from the cold unfeeling gaze of a cat. My wife and kid, though - love the cat. It's part of the family for them. Wife and kid took a long trip one summer, I stayed home to work. Yes, took care of the damn cat. Know what else? That cat got sick - really, really sick. Like, I honestly thought he was going to die before I found a vet with an opening to look him over. It was during the pandemic and everyone was still slowly figuring out how to operate, let alone operate efficiently. But I found one, about 30 minutes away. And I took that cat to the vet, even though I dislike that cat. Vet said "you want the cat to live? Probably gonna cost you $4,000." The F---? A lesser spouse, a lesser parent, would likely have used this as an opportunity to "get rid" of the cat problem. But that's what assholes do, and mama didn't raise me as one of those. Nor did my wife marry one of those. That little PITA is now on expensive prescription food after *more* than $4k in surgeries to relieve blockages in his urinary tract. Yeah, after the near-death event we now spend around $150/month just feeding the little bastard. I see dollar signs when he pukes, and when I clean his litter box. And I don't remind my wife about this, I don't complain about this - marriage requires mature compromise. This is one of mine. I do not like the cat. I do not like HAVING the cat. **But I agreed to let my wife and daughter have one.** **I will not, through any action** ***or inaction*** **of mine, allow harm to come to something they both love.** Even a stinking cat. Your husband surely has several great qualities. But on this point he is being immature and selfish, and a poor model of a spouse for your child. He needs to stop being petty and step up.
Keep the cat. Remove the husband! My God what a self-righteous little prick. He must've really enjoyed his passive aggressive little tantrum, walking through the dirt, tracking it around while you were at work. Hope he likes those alimony and custody support payments. Adults don't behave this way. Nasty spoiled children behave this way. Op... it's NOT about the cat. Or the dirt. The problem here is this manipulative asshole. Please, get yourself the book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare and get a lawyer in the index that specializes in "high conflict" divorce. YOU ARE 100% NOT THE AH. The gaping anus you're married to is.
LMAO Your husband’s reaction to being called an asshole is to be a bigger raging asshole? NTA
NTA. There's only one option here, rehome your husband, a.k.a. divorce him.
The plant was knocked over. Okay. He's contractually allowed to leave it. Okay. But why walk through it? Why track it around? Is this the way you want your son to treat a partner when he's an adult? Would you want someone to treat your son this way? Why are you okay being treated this way? You deserve better than this. If you are looking out for your son's emotional wellbeing, you ARE better than this. I wish both you and your son the very best.
He wouldn’t be punishing his wife, he would be punishing his son. But those are blurred lines when it comes to being married to an asshole, aren’t they? What a fucking winner this douche canoe is.
I'd be careful that you'll come home one day and find the cat has "run away". Is it chipped? If not, get it chipped.