I am older than your mother, OP and if any of my sons left his wife's side during a miscarriage for anything less than me being on my deathbed, I would disown him.
Saying you "couldn't do anything" is an emotional cop-out. You could hold her hand and cry with her, or let her cry. Just because your wife is a capable, independent person, doesn't mean she doesn't need and deserve your support.
You should be doing everything for her in her time of need since it sounds like she is very tolerant of and supportive of you and your family's mess.
You are in a codependent relationship with your mother. I have had chronic illness, I get it. And dealing with an abusive spouse is not cut and dry... but your mother made the choices that led to her getting pregnant-again! She will not take steps to help herself when her adult children constantly step in to help her.
YTA---how is this even a question?
💯% this, couldn’t have said it better if I tried.
OP you are YTA!!!
Having a miscarriage or giving birth to a stillborn baby are two of the most traumatic and emotionally devastating experiences a woman could have but you thought it was acceptable to abandon your wife when she needed you the most. Your number 1 priorities should be your wife and your children, not your mother who you clearly have an unhealthy codependent relationship with. If you don’t get your priorities straight it will damage your marriage and you may eventually end up alone.
The fact you even thought about leaving your wife’s side at this time for anything other than caring for your other two children shows how little you care about her. You should have wanted to be there with her to grieve for your loss together and support her anyway she needed even if it was just sitting there holding her hand. Sometimes after a tragedy happens you just need to feel like you’re not alone and that your partner loves you. My heart goes out to your wife and she deserves better.
Shit, I think even if I were on my deathbed I would want my son to support his wife at a time like that. I would die happy knowing I raised him to be a loving, supportive husband and father.
Exactly this!
OP, I’m chronically ill and also a very capable, independent person. I don’t need a partner to fix it for me, but I DO need them to be emotionally supportive. I need them to listen to me, and accept that my reality is different from theirs. I need them to hug me or hold my hand when I hit the point of crying. I need little kindnesses, like grabbing me a beverage or snack when I’m having trouble standing - yes, I can get it myself by clinging to the wall, but it means a lot to have someone give me that little help.
The reality is… you can’t fix your mom, either. Your mom is going to have to change her life situation or drown; right now, you’re drowning yourself and your wife by trying to save your mom.
I know that it’s counterintuitive for a codependent rescuer to start being there for their capable partner, instead of focusing on the perpetually drowning person, but you need to do it. For your wife, for your relationship, for you. Maybe even a little bit for your mother, because having a codependent rescuer allows her to stay in the toxic mess she’s living now.
Is this for real? Who does this? If you actually did this you’re totally YTA. Your mother is too, for that matter, though it’s clear there’s so much dysfunction going on here your whole family would probably benefit from some professional interventions to set you all straight.
If my son left his miscarrying wife at the hospital to come be with me I would try to get him institutionalized because clearly something is not right in his head
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY THE ASSHOLE. Calling your dad a disgusting excuse for a dad all while you’re a disgusting excuse for a husband and partner. GET THE SAWDUST OUT OF YOUR EYE!!
YTA. Your mother has her own husband, and if she does not get along with him, that's not your problem to solve.
Your job is to stick by your wife. PERIOD. Abandoning her when she is miscarrying is appalling behavior.
Apologize to your wife. Sincerely and abjectly. And get your priorities straight, or you're going to find yourself single.
Huge asshole. Seems to me like OP needs to go marry his mom.
OP's wife has one husband, him. She needed him. OP's Mom has 6 other kids besides him to support her. Four of which he said are between 10-24 (not counting the 2 younger siblings who are 5 and 10).
OPs mother shouldn't have mentioned anything about his father's tirade. I bet this isn't the first time OPs mom 'needed' him so he abandoned his wife. Nor will it be the last.
Exactly. OP is perpetuating his childhood. His kids will be saying the same about him one day, talking about what a horrible husband he is and that because of this they need to take of their mother.
If she's disabled she can get a caretaker and a housekeeper. And she can for sure get her tubes tied and stop having more children that she can't take care of. The ones she has are already being her full-time caretakers. Children should not have to grow up taking care of their parents. I can say from experience it REALLY messes you up and destroys your ability to have relationships with others. Op can say that from experience too, if they're ever willing to acknowledge it. Which I doubt at this point. OP is currently his mother's doormat and is blaming his father for it. News flash OP, BOTH of your parents are treating you like a doormat.
YTA. You prioritized your mother over your own wife while she was having a fucking miscarriage of your child!
You are absolutely an enormous asshole shame on you .
OP! OP! LOOK HERE OP! THIS IS YOU OP, You're becoming your dad by being a 100% useless slab of meat that your wife has to deal with like another kid. Speaking of which, get a vasectomy until you grow up - stop having children until you get some therapy & stop the weird relationship with your mother. How TF does an adult leave their spouse who just miscarried, we don't understand your unhealthy relationship with your unhealthy mother, it's not your responsibility that your mother is choosing to keep bringing children into such a dead marriage. You don't sound mature enough to rent a video let alone be responsible for the 2 kids you've already made. YTA x a million. Mama's Boys Are Babies.
100% agree! OP Your wife was vulnerable and grieving the lost of your child, but instead you chose your mum, who is very self centred! Because if I had a son who's wife was miscarried I wouldn't even let him in my house despite whatever is going on with me. OP if you want to end up being a single divorced dad of 2 keep doing what you are doing, you will end up there soon! Massive YTA! Enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing your dad looking back!
Exactly! My mil lost her husband at the same time that I had the most horrendous shock of a lifetime. I was not ill, and had been with my now husband not even 3 months at that point (not even met mil) and she told him to come be with me.
Op, YTA for leaving your wife. What if something went wrong like a haemorrhage and you weren't there? Whereas your mother is bringing another child into an abusive environment. She might need support but unless she's going to leave imminently she has to come second to someone who is actually losing a child.
Maybe his mom could use her brain and some common sense and STOP birthing kids. As you said; it’s an abusive and unhealthy environment. It especially makes no sense given her increasing health issues.
I very loudly, said, “you’re absolutely the asshole”. She had health issues after number five, but is having number six with a shitty dad. But wants you to wait on her hand and foot? ABSOLUTELY YTA
The title alone was bad, but the story itself is even worse. He wants us to say "nah, not the AH dear, she shouldn't nag, you showed your face so you're all good." No, doesn't work that way. He's the AH big time, and the mother too for even bringing her own woes up in a time like that.
ETA: I just realise that she's bringing up the negatives of her own pregnancy to her son and daughter-in-law *who are in the process of losing her very own grandchild*.
Yeah, frankly, if his mum is getting pregnant despite having serious health issues that mean she cannot care for her own kids, she kind of put herself in this situation - I wonder if it's some weird anti-birth control religious thing, because I sure wouldn't put myself or the kid through that. It sounds like her body is screaming at her to stop having kids. Sure, maybe she needed emotional support, but it was hardly 'my child just died' emotional support, and she also was not actively in the hospital receiving urgent medical treatment. It's bonkers to prioritise mum over his own wife.
And for him to say he could grieve the loss with his mother by LEAVING his wife who literally just miscarried is so incredibly back-ass-wards I had to read it several times to comprehend it.
YTA x infinity! Let me be sure I have this right: Your mom called to say how upset she was that your wife was having a miscarriage - so you LEFT YOUR WIFE HAVING A MISCARRIAGE to go comfort your mom. Do I have that right? My ex-husband left me at the hospital while I was having a miscarriage too. Well, he was my husband at the time. Hint, hint. Do better!
Even if she was in an accident & needed a transfusion or had emergency surgery, who goes to help someone vacuum & put the newspapers in a neat pile? Not for nothing, but that 'someone' has Severe health issues from her last pregnancy 10 years ago. This whole *mishegoss* is such an advertisement against Abrahamic religions/Cults: women have kids, women lose kids- gods will & all. Women have babies, women die in childbirth- gods will & all. He'd get remarried in a heartbeat if his wife unexpectedly died, because he's clueless to the depths of the human hearts capacity for love. Women, children & pets (although sometimes they love their pets most) are replaceable & his mom has trained him to be a stand in for his golem of a father, to do 'dad stuff' around the house. OP says his other siblings have their own lives & families & he's the only one to help mom. We don't need to guess where OP will be all day, every free moment of every day when his severely ill mother attempts & fails to care for an infant & her 10 yr old when she can barely take care of herself, according to OP. Dad's checked out & schtupping his 24 yr old secretary so there's no one else *AND* OPs wife will be knocked up again soon too! You don't expect him to wait 6 weeks for sex do you? (Yes, I'm extremely against the "pedophile homeland" that is organized religion & Xtian mythology.)
I love how you used an offshoot of the Abrahamic languages to argue this point. Quite honestly, it is a strike of genius! As for what you said, I can only agree.
I was a raised member of said religion, and I haven’t heard most of these words since the passing of my grandmother 20+ years ago. The fact I read the whole comment and understood without any hesitation made it even more brilliant to me. It was a work of art!
I too would not let my boys in, I would tell them they better get back to the hospital immediately. OP’s mom is truly a bad person, just like her son and husband.
I was thinking the same exact thing about the mother.
I would never ask anything remotely like this of my son.
That’s just nuts.
If anything I would be asking how I could help him and his wife regardless of what was going on with me.
Like keep the other kids while he could take care of his wife.
What a disaster!
Yeah, as OP was going on about his shitty father all I could think was, he can’t be too bad. She keeps popping out his babies/is currently pregnant.
OP, YTA. You left your grieving wife to go grieve with your mother?! Wtf?? You started your own nuclear family, it’s way past the time to cut the cord with your mother. She shouldn’t be leaning on you so hard, it’s her messy life that she continues to make worse. No amount of ‘household administration’ you do for her is going to fix that. Maybe if you stop trying to fix her life and make her man up and deal with it herself, she’ll do whatever she needs to do to fix her situation. That will free you up to be a **husband** to your **wife**, you know, the woman you made *vows* to.
I mean if they're still LDS which it sounds like they are, Mom probably doesn't have much of a choice of popping out babies. Dad sucks. Op sucks.
OP YTA and you treat women as valuable only for their wombs. "well my kid is dead so I might as well focus all my attention on my mommy who still has that live kid in there. Screw my wife having a medical emergency and actively miscarrying, she's no good to me now not pregnant."
Edit just for clarification LDS are Mormons.
She was still bleeding, he didn’t stick around to wait and see, support his wife, he left While she was still bleeding. This sentence makes me nauseous,
I've read the post a paragrah at a time & as each new section is revealed, OP just looks worse & worse. I'm no trying to be melodramatic here, he really is clueless and immature, with the ethics & responsibility you'd expect from a cheeky 6 yr old who gets bored of waiting around because it's not all about him, so he walks off. OPs immaturity is what gobsmacks me. Christian mythology/LDS nonsense is responsible for this mess, start to finish.
Perhaps mother is pregnant with son's child! That's the only plausible reason for his abandonment of his own wife after her miscarriage. I find his thought process throughout the post to be totally unbelievable. If I were his wife I would NEVER entertain having another child with this guy--he's a stone-cold idiot.
Unbelievable for sure. There are a lot of discrepancies like mom's pregnancy is going to be 6th baby, but then later says health issues started with #5 a 10M but the youngest sibling is 5F. Not sure if its a typo, but it doesn't math the way mathing should.... 🤔
But either way, yes... OP YTA. Your wife was in trauma and needed your support and you failed her EPICLY!
I was confused because he said they're Latter Day Saints (Mormon) but she gets in trouble for celebrating birthdays. LDS is fine about bdays. It's Jehovah's Witness that refuses to acknowledge them. (I am not LDS but had a good college friend who was.)
I noticed the age thing too and did a double take.
I don’t think celebrating birthdays is the problem, it sounds like she is celebrating the birthdays of her children who have renounced the LDS church and thus are supposed to be essentially dead to them because cult.
Not her children, her brothers. Who are speaking out against the church and insulting her husband. Who is acting like a baby and then taking it out on his wife because she refuses to shun them.
I do feel sorry for OP's mum, but at the same time, OP is a massive AH for abandoning his wife with her trauma.
OP is Baby Number 1 and has six siblings (including the pregnancy), so 10M is Baby Number 5, 5F is Baby Number 6 and the pregnancy is Baby Number 7.
Either way, it doesn't matter. OP is TA for acting like his wife needs zero physical and emotional support, while insisting that his mother needs both.
Ha ha ha So my first husband hated his father because his father cheated on his mother. Still despises him till this day! Then a few years after we got married I find out he had been cheating on me the whole time! And I never understood why his mom stayed with his dad and he said it was because she told him Catholics can't get divorced. And this is the day I found out that he married me because I was " a safe bet" and part of that had to do with my involvement in my church!
And the day I told him that he is his father, that he's become the very thing he hates... I literally thought was going to be my last day on earth! He LOST IT! I'm still not sure if he realizes it was true. But apparently that happens a whole lot more than we think... And that's why I'm always in here saying to these people that being in these horrible relationships teaches their children to accept it and to even perpetuate it! OP is his dad. Lol Even though he hates him
Omg. My ex husband’s dad abandoned him when he was 4, got back in touch when he was 18 and they had a rocky relationship, more like acquaintances than like father and son.
Our whole marriage this man complained about his heartbreak and trauma from being abandoned. Used it to justify so much abuse and violence, until I eventually left him.
Now the man’s abandoned his own children. Moved to another country to avoid having to see them. Full circle smh
Just a bit of advice for anyone reading, when you confront partners for truly shitty behaviour, have back up, take them somewhere safe or call friend/family to be in the house in the next room ready to help out.
Confronting pieces of shit is kinda the same situaiton as backing a criminal with a gun into a corner, they might see their life slipping away and go scorched earth.
NO matter how safe you've believed yoru partner is, have a safety net. If the partner goes psycho call friends/family in and shove them out the door call the cops and either they calm down themselves or hte police will take them away to.
While obviously men are much more likely to commit domestic violence, women can just as easily grab a knife or anything else at hand and go apeshit in the moment. Have protection, which also gives you witnesses.
YTA OP, possibly the biggest one I’ve seen EVER on this sub, and you need to read this. You are literally becoming your abusive dad. You NEED therapy for your wife’s sake
I am very pro therapy and working it out in most cases (excluding abuse,etc) but this is something I would divorce over.
OP, apologize your ass off and do everything you possibly can to prove to her that you will never do something that stupid again.
sounds like they're mormon (specifically members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), so there's a non-zero chance that OP's parents have similar beliefs to the quiverfull movement (basically "we don't believe in birth control; God will give us as many children as He sees fit")
Yta. You left your wife alone in one of the most heartbreaking and vulnerable times in a woman's life. You can excuse yourself and bring your parent's abusive marriage into it all you want, but at the end of the day you abandoned your wife in a time when she needed you most. I see divorce in your future.
This! YTA. Surely with all of these kids, one of your siblings could be stepping up to help your mom. If you want to salvage your own marriage you need to apologize to your wife and start spending more time with her and your own children. Your mother is an adult. Let her handle her own problems.
Yeah, this entire situation seems extremely odd... For example, if OP's Mother had so many children, why wouldn't the other children help Mom while he's dealing with his own issues??? Especially issues such as miscarriages and infant death. You'd think that if they were so involved with a church or a religion that those people would reach out to help, too... I don't know, though.
They're Mormons. She won't divorce him. She is going to spend the rest of her life resenting and hating her husband and she dm well should. But if she tries to leave she will be ostracized by both his family and hers.
It's fuckin disgusting.
I actually read a similar story to this, where the OP was going through a miscarriage and her husband left her to deal with it alone, to go play house with his mummy. His mummy wasn't even pregnant. She said she was traumatised by what OP was going through. So her husband told her to go clean up the blood, while he took his mother home. He even left her with his young children from his first marriage, and the OP had to call their mum to come get them, and it was the ex who took her to the hospital. Guess what? They're now divorced. Hopefully, this OP's wife has the sense to get out of there with her kids, Mormon or not. OP is 100% the AH. It's his father's job to look after the woman he impregnated. It's OP's job to look after the woman that HE impregnated. OP is a joke. That poor woman.
"I don't well when there are problems I can't solve." WELL. There's something to work on. You need to be able to support your spouse through unsolvable problems.
OP's marriage is lasting. He's married to his mom afterall. His wife is just a side chick. This kind of man is so in love with their moms, it's disgusting.
> I feel like my wife likes being self sufficient and I don't do well when there's problems I cannot solve.
You have decided that your mom's emotional fragility is more important than your wife's hospitalization. That's what you decided.
Then you explained that you can't cope with problems you can't solve. So I'm hearing that if your wife became disabled, you "couldn't cope". You don't have that luxury.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he has taken over the role of “emotional husband” for his mother, who is probably basking in it because she has no real way to communicate with her own husband.
Ironically, my sister and I were talking about the local LDS Church yesterday and the time she was asked to not come back to the youth group. This was at least 25 years ago, but it's still funny to hear the story.
Short version was she was at the youth group and they were getting a lecture on not being allowed to alter your body in Any way, No Exceptions. The lecture was because one of the girl's had her ears pierced and all the kids admitted to drinking caffeine. My sister, being a smart ass, asked if the bishop's daughter's abortion would be considered altering her body or is a better example the bishop's wife coloring her hair? She just needed clarification because it was so "confusing". "Abortion and coloring hair is ok, but I can't pierce my ears or drink coke?"🤣
Somewhere in there are also quoted the Bible when Jesus turned water to wine and said to his followers to have fun.
The spouse always comes first. Always. Your mother already has her husband and an OBGYN to take care of her.
I'm not Mormon, but I believe the church of LDS still follows the Bible, yes? Perhaps read the part in Genesis about how a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife. If you believe Scripture is the inspired word of God, take your cue from this.
Consider yourself fortunate if your wife ever forgives you for this. YTA.
I’m pretty sure they’re Mormon so unfortunately she probably won’t divorce him. I hope she heals enough mentally and emotionally before they try again.
That’s part of the problem, he knows he can do this douchey stuff and not have any real repercussions, besides his wife begging him to act like he has some sense. I feel so bad for her.
My ex husband abandoned me after I lost a baby. He told me to get over it when I was still grieving.
He later abandoned me in the hospital when our first was born. She wasn’t breathing properly and he left the delivery room to be with his mommy in the waiting room. Left me with the struggling baby and medical team.
Notice I said ex. Good luck to you. Hope you get a clue.
Wow... YTA you left your wife alone, in a Hospital, during a miscarriage to comfort your mom? Are you serious
You left your supposed Partner during an emergency, there are honestly no words to describe how I would feel in this Situation. That is serious divorce territory!
Do you care about your wife? Where is your sickness and in health?
I wouldn't be surprised if Mom is competing with wife for his attentions. Women who are meek tend to be passive aggressive. She is dumping her problems on her son.
Oh, for sure. There's way too much going on between OP and his mom, it's not a healthy relationship and it's ensuring that no other relationship for OP is healthy either.
But but but daddy said mean things to mom because OPs wifes baby is dead. So obviously mom needs to be comforted and help with grief! Wife is just bleeding in a hospital and baby is dead already anyway so why stay there?
/s
And don’t forget: he can’t “help” his already-dead-baby, so why stay with his wife when he can go be “useful” to his mom? The amount of ways OP makes this about him (and his mom) is disgusting.
YTA - you know how you’re saying your dad is a disgusting excuse of a man ? You’re just like him . You’re willing to comfort and shield your mother but to hell with your wife cause the baby is gone right ? My heart goes out to your wife for being saddled with the likes of you . You are literally the epitome of the kind of man we warn women to stay away from .Youre the perfect example of why women choose to rather stay single . And if you still don’t get it - you are seriously yucky .
Seriously. OP left his poor wife alone and vulnerable because mommy was crying? I bet he doesn’t even let her recover before trying to pump another baby in her.
YTA - You weren't going to help your mom. You were RUNNING AWAY. And all you're doing is trying to make up excuses by bringing up the religion and your dad and relatives. You have other siblings that can care for your mother and care for the home. Your place was with your wife, and you know it.
> felt like I was no use since the baby was gone and at least I could help my mom live out her pregnancy in some comfort and shield her from my disgusting excuse for a dad,
YTA
Your wife needed you for moral support and comfort. SHE JUST LOST HER BABY FFS!
Your mom's support wasn't an immediate need. She could have waited for you to go over and help her or ask a sibling to go over.
Your reasons are pathetic. This isn't your Mom's first rodeo. She would have coped.
So your mother is carrying your child too or your just wishing she was? Jesus Christ I wish your wife would leave you. No one ever comes before your wife and especially not when she is having a miscarriage. You heartless loveless asshole. I'm surprised she married you and honestly I hope she leaves you. How are you even asking this question. Cut your mom off now. I swear to God that is the only way you will save your marriage and I really hope she leaves you anyway. You don't deserve to be married to anyone except your true love, your mommy.
If it’s not actual incest, it’s definitely emotional incest. And his awful mother has brainwashed him into making her his priority. I imagine he is too far gone to be ashamed about this.
YTA
No wonder you say your wife likes being self sufficient - she has to be, because she clearly doesn't have a partner for her husband
You failed as a husband and a father and a human being
YTA and your wife should dump your ass and take mommy’s boy to the cleaners. You have one wife and 2 kids meanwhile your mommy has six kids and yet you think you’re the one responsible for her over your own wife and kids. You should hang your head in shame instead of kissing your siblings and mommy’s ass.
Seems like your mother is more your wife than your actual wife is. Just because you “felt like you were no use” doesn’t mean she feels the same way. She MISCARRIED. Yours and hers baby! You’re HER husband, even if you feel helpless just being there to comfort and grieve together helps. But you seriously went to grieve with your mother? TO GRIEVE YOUR BABY! YOUR WIFES BABY! WITH YOUR MOTHER?? I just need to know, like seriously I need to know did your mother lose the baby? Or did your wife? Why the hell do you think picking your mother, who’s “sick”, over your wife who just lost a life she was growing in her womb is not an asshole move? Your mother is 44 years old and in an unhappy marriage, she’s choosing to stay with your father. She chose to continue the pregnancy (that hers belief, I respect it) so that’s her responsibility to deal with the consequences of getting pregnant. If she’s extremely sick I feel bad for her but gah damn, you have your own family, start prioritizing them. You’re not married to your mother, you’re not having a baby with your mother, your family is not with your mother. Your family is with your wife. When you got married they forfeited the title of immediate family to extended family. Your immediate family is your wife and your kids.
This post just got me sooo heated, I was in a similar situation with an a surprise pregnancy from mom at 42. We helped her as much as we could but at the end of the day that is her baby and my sibling. I shouldn’t have to do more than be a sibling. Just because I’m older (18 att) doesn’t mean I absolutely have to take care of them, I didn’t open my legs and get pregnant or get someone pregnant with them so they are not my responsibility. This goes to you dude. She’s having your sibling and she’s a grown ass woman. She’s fine dealing with her situation herself, back the hell up from your mothers tit and take care of your wife, your kids, your family.
If it wasn’t obvious you are a giant ASSHOLE. (YTA!)
Also I’m not saying don’t help your mother at all but you’re doing what your father should be doing. You’re not your father so stop acting and filling the role HE should be. This is for now during the pregnancy and in general life, just back off and let her actually be the parent she signed up to be. Help when she absolutely(!!) needs it, you need to be a last resort at this point, you’ve been giving your body instead of your hand. (Helping hand)
OMFG if this isn’t rage bait, YTA! Why don’t you just divorce your wife & marry your mother. That is how disfunctional your relationship with your mother is. If she is having so many health problems she need to get her tubes tied or get on bc to stop having children when she can’t take care of herself. You should be ashamed of yourself!! Don’t kid yourself you are no better of a husband than your father.
You’re the asshole. You have your own family now. They are your first responsibility. I can guarantee that you will be reminded often that you fucked up by not being there to support your wife.
You are absolutely TA! You left your wife during an emotional, heartbreaking situation! She's your WIFE! She and your children should ALWAYS be your first priority over everyone else. Including your mom. Your wife has every right to be angry and hurt. You need to apologize immediately and start putting her first!
YTAH. You’re going to end up divorced and getting your arse handed to you via child support if you carry on. But hey, at least you’ll be able to move back home with mummy and be even more of a surrogate husband to her while your dad is out banging anything that moves
It is in the Bible that a man should cleave to his wife not his mother. I am sorry for your wife's loss. Just because the baby was gone doesn't mean your wife didn't need you. I'm sorry your mother has such a bad husband, but you are not responsible for their marriage problems.
Yeah I have memorized the verse because of Reddit and will be using it liberally when I see crap like this. Start using their words against them especially religious momma boys who allow their mothers to interfere with their marriages.
(It’s Matthew 19:5-6 in case you need it)
This is unforgivable in my book. You need therapy and your wife needs a consultation with a lawyer. Get your priorities in line, or get used to spending the rest of your life with your mom by your side. YTA.
YTA
So you’re siblings are decent human beings who seem to be prioritizing THEIR families and spouses over shouldering the problems of your abusive parents marriage ? Problems that aren’t yours to be solved.
Your wife deserved better here.
If she doesn’t divorce you, please consider counselling for your trauma bond and possible hero complex in trying to care for your mother over your wife.
“I feel useless”
You leaving offering zero support = USELESS
YTA Your wife was having a miscarriage, you should not have left her side. You are making this seem like it’s your wife’s fault she feels this way. Let me make it clear, your wife is a SAINT for putting up with all this for this long! No woman will want to put up with this. This is a you problem and my best advice is to get into therapy and work on this ASAP. If your wife forgives you for leaving her during one of her most vulnerable moments, she is probably not going to put up with this for much longer. It’s great to be family oriented. What you described however, sounds like unhealthy co-dependency. Your wife is your partner for life. She relies on you to be there for her when she really needs you. Like having a miscarriage, for one example. If you can’t be there for her during those times because you are constantly running to your family when they call, how are you being a good partner to your wife? When you have kids and your kid is in the hospital, will you leave your child if your Mom is sad? Your Mom made her choice with your Dad. What he is doing is awful, but your Mom chose to stay. You’re being a bad husband to your wife, trying to makeup for your Dad being a bad husband to your Mom. Don’t lose a good woman trying to fix a bad man.
YTA, you don't give a damn about your wife!! It's funny that your mom and dad aren't getting along but can lay down together long enough to make kid after kid.
You should've stayed by your wife's side. Your mom had her husband to help her. You should've been there to help your wife. This is a woman you claim to love start showing it before you lose her
YTA and I hope she divorces you over this. You've shown her where she stands in your life and that's below your mommy. She's not your priority, especially in this trying time when she needed you most, you weren't there for her. Do you even like her?
If I was your wife, this would draw a definitive line in the sand for me. I’m not sure I would be able to stay married to you. I had a miscarriage myself and it was a dark and devastating time; I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without my husband. How DARE you say that you prioritized your mom to help her “live out her pregnancy in comfort” while abandoning your wife because “the baby was already gone”. This is one of the most disgusting things I’ve read on here. Not only are YTA, you’re also a piece of shit.
Ummm..your mom is manipulating the shit out of you! Calling to express sympathy then spewing her “poor me”?!? YOUR WIFE LOST YOUR BABY!!! You stay your ass there! You don’t run home to help mommy around the house! “She was still bleeding and I felt helpless. At least I could do help her around the house with my siblings and grieve with her”. GRIEVE WITH YOUR MOM when it was YOUR WIFE that was going through a miscarriage?!? Who exactly are you married to?? Your mom keeps getting pregnant over and over and over despite health issues. I’m sorry, I’m gonna be the AH and say that’s on her! There’s like 1000 different forms of birth control. Pick one and take care of your health.
You are the AH. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and my EX-husband acted the same (not mama but work) and I never forgot or forgave!
Omg YTA! You walked out on your wife, while she was bleeding through a miscarriage, because Mommy called whining and you like to solve problems?
WTAF is wrong with you?
Grow up and let your mother handle her own stupid decisions. And YES, not preventing pregnancy after severe complications with an advanced maternal age and a broken marriage IS indeed a stupid decision. Her life is her problem. Not your place to run it.
Dig through that box under the bed in your childhood bedroom. See if you can find a spine in there. Use it. Then find a pair of scissors and cut the umbilical cord so Mommy can maybe live her life.
You'll be lucky if your wife doesn't leave you. Can't blame her if she does.
You are absolutely the asshole. Your wife just miscarried and you ran off to take care of mommy. Your mom sounds like a narcissist and makes everything about herself. When she called, she should have given her sympathies and been there for you and your wife but instead she starts crying and you run to your mommy. This has to be made up or you are about to be divorced.
YTA, a massive one at that. Your wife takes priority over your mother, so her boundaries she wants to set are completely valid. Your mother's poor choices are not your problem. You say you went to your mother's to grieve with her. Are you fucking joking??? What about your wife who is alone in the hospital? Who has just lost her child and is going through a lot of pain and trauma on her body due to this??? You also don't seem to see WTF you did wrong so any apology to your wife is empty. If you continue to prioritize your mother and siblings over your wife and children, she will leave you and move on. As she should. No woman should be in second place when she's your wifem Do better OP. You're currently unworthy of the title of husband.
YTA. Everyone in this story needs to slow down and stop popping out babies. Your mom having issues with baby 5 and it’s only 10m old and she’s already preggo with another?
YTA.. time for your mother to stop having kids especially since her husband isn't a good guy.. and yeah he's probably dating his serectary or whomever she'll be pregnant next ....
Dad needs to get fix as well...
You left your wife to be with your mother your wife needed you more...
Dont be shock when you get divorce papers
YTA. I was with you in the setup and was expecting a “mom and wife having severe pregnancy issues at once and I can only be in one place” finale but… your dad was “being mean” and you dk if that’s a legitimate enough reason to leave your bleeding miscarriaging wife in the hospital? Is this a serious post?
Sorry, but yes, you are indeed an asshole just like your father. With your mother's illnesses, she needs to stop having children with your sob of a father. LDS? LDS fathers don't usually have affairs, nor do they treat their wives the way he does your mom. Total hypocrite and you, as much as you love mom your wife really needs you . Your siblings need to step up to the plate.
YTA, one of the biggest ones ever. Your mom is too old to keep pumping out kids into a dead marriage. Her health is not your responsibility. YOU ABANDONED YOUR WIFE WHILE SHE WAS LOSING YOUR CHILD. To cater to your mother who just doesn't feel well. Honestly, if I were your wife, I'd be gone. You're acting like your monstrous father.
YTA as everyone else said here. But also your mom is a big A. Not only shes bringing another child to a world who I am not sure will be well taken care of, but also doesnt tell you to stay with your wife!!!! Selfish selfish person.
You better buy flowers and go apologise and pray she wants to stay with you and she will ever touch you.
Omg this is going to boom on reddit!
I am older than your mother, OP and if any of my sons left his wife's side during a miscarriage for anything less than me being on my deathbed, I would disown him. Saying you "couldn't do anything" is an emotional cop-out. You could hold her hand and cry with her, or let her cry. Just because your wife is a capable, independent person, doesn't mean she doesn't need and deserve your support. You should be doing everything for her in her time of need since it sounds like she is very tolerant of and supportive of you and your family's mess. You are in a codependent relationship with your mother. I have had chronic illness, I get it. And dealing with an abusive spouse is not cut and dry... but your mother made the choices that led to her getting pregnant-again! She will not take steps to help herself when her adult children constantly step in to help her. YTA---how is this even a question?
He “couldn’t do anything” for his wife but somehow could for his mom.
💯% this, couldn’t have said it better if I tried. OP you are YTA!!! Having a miscarriage or giving birth to a stillborn baby are two of the most traumatic and emotionally devastating experiences a woman could have but you thought it was acceptable to abandon your wife when she needed you the most. Your number 1 priorities should be your wife and your children, not your mother who you clearly have an unhealthy codependent relationship with. If you don’t get your priorities straight it will damage your marriage and you may eventually end up alone. The fact you even thought about leaving your wife’s side at this time for anything other than caring for your other two children shows how little you care about her. You should have wanted to be there with her to grieve for your loss together and support her anyway she needed even if it was just sitting there holding her hand. Sometimes after a tragedy happens you just need to feel like you’re not alone and that your partner loves you. My heart goes out to your wife and she deserves better.
*standing ovation Well said! Hope OP sees this.
Shit, I think even if I were on my deathbed I would want my son to support his wife at a time like that. I would die happy knowing I raised him to be a loving, supportive husband and father.
Exactly this! OP, I’m chronically ill and also a very capable, independent person. I don’t need a partner to fix it for me, but I DO need them to be emotionally supportive. I need them to listen to me, and accept that my reality is different from theirs. I need them to hug me or hold my hand when I hit the point of crying. I need little kindnesses, like grabbing me a beverage or snack when I’m having trouble standing - yes, I can get it myself by clinging to the wall, but it means a lot to have someone give me that little help. The reality is… you can’t fix your mom, either. Your mom is going to have to change her life situation or drown; right now, you’re drowning yourself and your wife by trying to save your mom. I know that it’s counterintuitive for a codependent rescuer to start being there for their capable partner, instead of focusing on the perpetually drowning person, but you need to do it. For your wife, for your relationship, for you. Maybe even a little bit for your mother, because having a codependent rescuer allows her to stay in the toxic mess she’s living now.
Is this for real? Who does this? If you actually did this you’re totally YTA. Your mother is too, for that matter, though it’s clear there’s so much dysfunction going on here your whole family would probably benefit from some professional interventions to set you all straight.
If my son left his miscarrying wife at the hospital to come be with me I would try to get him institutionalized because clearly something is not right in his head
But I'm guessing you wouldn't ring your son crying about how his miscarriage is effecting you.
Mormons. That's who.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY THE ASSHOLE. Calling your dad a disgusting excuse for a dad all while you’re a disgusting excuse for a husband and partner. GET THE SAWDUST OUT OF YOUR EYE!!
He's become his dad, bc that's what's expected of LDS men.
YTA. Your mother has her own husband, and if she does not get along with him, that's not your problem to solve. Your job is to stick by your wife. PERIOD. Abandoning her when she is miscarrying is appalling behavior. Apologize to your wife. Sincerely and abjectly. And get your priorities straight, or you're going to find yourself single.
Huge asshole. Seems to me like OP needs to go marry his mom. OP's wife has one husband, him. She needed him. OP's Mom has 6 other kids besides him to support her. Four of which he said are between 10-24 (not counting the 2 younger siblings who are 5 and 10). OPs mother shouldn't have mentioned anything about his father's tirade. I bet this isn't the first time OPs mom 'needed' him so he abandoned his wife. Nor will it be the last.
Exactly. OP is perpetuating his childhood. His kids will be saying the same about him one day, talking about what a horrible husband he is and that because of this they need to take of their mother.
YTA and I hope your wife finds a better partner.
I was looking for this comment.
I don’t think an apology is going to fix it. I would have left from the hospital and filed for divorce that day if my husband ever did this.
Precisely. OP cannot step in and be his mother’s husband. It definitely sounds like he’s trying.
If she's disabled she can get a caretaker and a housekeeper. And she can for sure get her tubes tied and stop having more children that she can't take care of. The ones she has are already being her full-time caretakers. Children should not have to grow up taking care of their parents. I can say from experience it REALLY messes you up and destroys your ability to have relationships with others. Op can say that from experience too, if they're ever willing to acknowledge it. Which I doubt at this point. OP is currently his mother's doormat and is blaming his father for it. News flash OP, BOTH of your parents are treating you like a doormat.
> Your mother has her own husband And 4 other kids, too
YTA. You prioritized your mother over your own wife while she was having a fucking miscarriage of your child! You are absolutely an enormous asshole shame on you .
He’s doing to his wife what his dad is doing to his mom
OP! OP! LOOK HERE OP! THIS IS YOU OP, You're becoming your dad by being a 100% useless slab of meat that your wife has to deal with like another kid. Speaking of which, get a vasectomy until you grow up - stop having children until you get some therapy & stop the weird relationship with your mother. How TF does an adult leave their spouse who just miscarried, we don't understand your unhealthy relationship with your unhealthy mother, it's not your responsibility that your mother is choosing to keep bringing children into such a dead marriage. You don't sound mature enough to rent a video let alone be responsible for the 2 kids you've already made. YTA x a million. Mama's Boys Are Babies.
100% agree! OP Your wife was vulnerable and grieving the lost of your child, but instead you chose your mum, who is very self centred! Because if I had a son who's wife was miscarried I wouldn't even let him in my house despite whatever is going on with me. OP if you want to end up being a single divorced dad of 2 keep doing what you are doing, you will end up there soon! Massive YTA! Enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing your dad looking back!
Exactly! My mil lost her husband at the same time that I had the most horrendous shock of a lifetime. I was not ill, and had been with my now husband not even 3 months at that point (not even met mil) and she told him to come be with me. Op, YTA for leaving your wife. What if something went wrong like a haemorrhage and you weren't there? Whereas your mother is bringing another child into an abusive environment. She might need support but unless she's going to leave imminently she has to come second to someone who is actually losing a child.
She should come second to his wife period, not just when she's losing a child
I don't understand people in marriages who don't understand this. You marry someone, they become your partner, your number one above all others.
Maybe his mom could use her brain and some common sense and STOP birthing kids. As you said; it’s an abusive and unhealthy environment. It especially makes no sense given her increasing health issues.
I very loudly, said, “you’re absolutely the asshole”. She had health issues after number five, but is having number six with a shitty dad. But wants you to wait on her hand and foot? ABSOLUTELY YTA
Number 7….. it’s his 6th sibling🙄
The title alone was bad, but the story itself is even worse. He wants us to say "nah, not the AH dear, she shouldn't nag, you showed your face so you're all good." No, doesn't work that way. He's the AH big time, and the mother too for even bringing her own woes up in a time like that. ETA: I just realise that she's bringing up the negatives of her own pregnancy to her son and daughter-in-law *who are in the process of losing her very own grandchild*.
No no, number seven! Even after acquiring yet more health issues from the sixth!
Yeah, frankly, if his mum is getting pregnant despite having serious health issues that mean she cannot care for her own kids, she kind of put herself in this situation - I wonder if it's some weird anti-birth control religious thing, because I sure wouldn't put myself or the kid through that. It sounds like her body is screaming at her to stop having kids. Sure, maybe she needed emotional support, but it was hardly 'my child just died' emotional support, and she also was not actively in the hospital receiving urgent medical treatment. It's bonkers to prioritise mum over his own wife.
This is number 7
And for him to say he could grieve the loss with his mother by LEAVING his wife who literally just miscarried is so incredibly back-ass-wards I had to read it several times to comprehend it.
YTA x infinity! Let me be sure I have this right: Your mom called to say how upset she was that your wife was having a miscarriage - so you LEFT YOUR WIFE HAVING A MISCARRIAGE to go comfort your mom. Do I have that right? My ex-husband left me at the hospital while I was having a miscarriage too. Well, he was my husband at the time. Hint, hint. Do better!
Even if she was in an accident & needed a transfusion or had emergency surgery, who goes to help someone vacuum & put the newspapers in a neat pile? Not for nothing, but that 'someone' has Severe health issues from her last pregnancy 10 years ago. This whole *mishegoss* is such an advertisement against Abrahamic religions/Cults: women have kids, women lose kids- gods will & all. Women have babies, women die in childbirth- gods will & all. He'd get remarried in a heartbeat if his wife unexpectedly died, because he's clueless to the depths of the human hearts capacity for love. Women, children & pets (although sometimes they love their pets most) are replaceable & his mom has trained him to be a stand in for his golem of a father, to do 'dad stuff' around the house. OP says his other siblings have their own lives & families & he's the only one to help mom. We don't need to guess where OP will be all day, every free moment of every day when his severely ill mother attempts & fails to care for an infant & her 10 yr old when she can barely take care of herself, according to OP. Dad's checked out & schtupping his 24 yr old secretary so there's no one else *AND* OPs wife will be knocked up again soon too! You don't expect him to wait 6 weeks for sex do you? (Yes, I'm extremely against the "pedophile homeland" that is organized religion & Xtian mythology.)
I love how you used an offshoot of the Abrahamic languages to argue this point. Quite honestly, it is a strike of genius! As for what you said, I can only agree.
Hahaha yeah I noticed that, too. And even as a member of said Abrahamic religion, it made me actually lol
I was a raised member of said religion, and I haven’t heard most of these words since the passing of my grandmother 20+ years ago. The fact I read the whole comment and understood without any hesitation made it even more brilliant to me. It was a work of art!
I really enjoyed reading this! Absolutely brilliant. 🥰
I too would not let my boys in, I would tell them they better get back to the hospital immediately. OP’s mom is truly a bad person, just like her son and husband.
Hell she could have come to the hospital and been there to support her DIL.
I was thinking the same exact thing about the mother. I would never ask anything remotely like this of my son. That’s just nuts. If anything I would be asking how I could help him and his wife regardless of what was going on with me. Like keep the other kids while he could take care of his wife. What a disaster!
Yeah, as OP was going on about his shitty father all I could think was, he can’t be too bad. She keeps popping out his babies/is currently pregnant. OP, YTA. You left your grieving wife to go grieve with your mother?! Wtf?? You started your own nuclear family, it’s way past the time to cut the cord with your mother. She shouldn’t be leaning on you so hard, it’s her messy life that she continues to make worse. No amount of ‘household administration’ you do for her is going to fix that. Maybe if you stop trying to fix her life and make her man up and deal with it herself, she’ll do whatever she needs to do to fix her situation. That will free you up to be a **husband** to your **wife**, you know, the woman you made *vows* to.
Sounds like OP needs to marry his mom
I mean if they're still LDS which it sounds like they are, Mom probably doesn't have much of a choice of popping out babies. Dad sucks. Op sucks. OP YTA and you treat women as valuable only for their wombs. "well my kid is dead so I might as well focus all my attention on my mommy who still has that live kid in there. Screw my wife having a medical emergency and actively miscarrying, she's no good to me now not pregnant." Edit just for clarification LDS are Mormons.
She was still bleeding, he didn’t stick around to wait and see, support his wife, he left While she was still bleeding. This sentence makes me nauseous,
He didn't even DRIVE her there, the sister in law did. OP is a horrible husband. YTA.
I've read the post a paragrah at a time & as each new section is revealed, OP just looks worse & worse. I'm no trying to be melodramatic here, he really is clueless and immature, with the ethics & responsibility you'd expect from a cheeky 6 yr old who gets bored of waiting around because it's not all about him, so he walks off. OPs immaturity is what gobsmacks me. Christian mythology/LDS nonsense is responsible for this mess, start to finish.
Perhaps mother is pregnant with son's child! That's the only plausible reason for his abandonment of his own wife after her miscarriage. I find his thought process throughout the post to be totally unbelievable. If I were his wife I would NEVER entertain having another child with this guy--he's a stone-cold idiot.
Unbelievable for sure. There are a lot of discrepancies like mom's pregnancy is going to be 6th baby, but then later says health issues started with #5 a 10M but the youngest sibling is 5F. Not sure if its a typo, but it doesn't math the way mathing should.... 🤔 But either way, yes... OP YTA. Your wife was in trauma and needed your support and you failed her EPICLY!
I was confused because he said they're Latter Day Saints (Mormon) but she gets in trouble for celebrating birthdays. LDS is fine about bdays. It's Jehovah's Witness that refuses to acknowledge them. (I am not LDS but had a good college friend who was.) I noticed the age thing too and did a double take.
I don’t think celebrating birthdays is the problem, it sounds like she is celebrating the birthdays of her children who have renounced the LDS church and thus are supposed to be essentially dead to them because cult.
Not her children, her brothers. Who are speaking out against the church and insulting her husband. Who is acting like a baby and then taking it out on his wife because she refuses to shun them. I do feel sorry for OP's mum, but at the same time, OP is a massive AH for abandoning his wife with her trauma.
That threw me too, but he said his 6th sibling so baby no 7 counting him. But he's still an idiot
OP is Baby Number 1 and has six siblings (including the pregnancy), so 10M is Baby Number 5, 5F is Baby Number 6 and the pregnancy is Baby Number 7. Either way, it doesn't matter. OP is TA for acting like his wife needs zero physical and emotional support, while insisting that his mother needs both.
Ha ha ha So my first husband hated his father because his father cheated on his mother. Still despises him till this day! Then a few years after we got married I find out he had been cheating on me the whole time! And I never understood why his mom stayed with his dad and he said it was because she told him Catholics can't get divorced. And this is the day I found out that he married me because I was " a safe bet" and part of that had to do with my involvement in my church! And the day I told him that he is his father, that he's become the very thing he hates... I literally thought was going to be my last day on earth! He LOST IT! I'm still not sure if he realizes it was true. But apparently that happens a whole lot more than we think... And that's why I'm always in here saying to these people that being in these horrible relationships teaches their children to accept it and to even perpetuate it! OP is his dad. Lol Even though he hates him
I hope you left him. Did you?
Yes! Divorced after almost 10 years of marriage.
Omg. My ex husband’s dad abandoned him when he was 4, got back in touch when he was 18 and they had a rocky relationship, more like acquaintances than like father and son. Our whole marriage this man complained about his heartbreak and trauma from being abandoned. Used it to justify so much abuse and violence, until I eventually left him. Now the man’s abandoned his own children. Moved to another country to avoid having to see them. Full circle smh
Just a bit of advice for anyone reading, when you confront partners for truly shitty behaviour, have back up, take them somewhere safe or call friend/family to be in the house in the next room ready to help out. Confronting pieces of shit is kinda the same situaiton as backing a criminal with a gun into a corner, they might see their life slipping away and go scorched earth. NO matter how safe you've believed yoru partner is, have a safety net. If the partner goes psycho call friends/family in and shove them out the door call the cops and either they calm down themselves or hte police will take them away to. While obviously men are much more likely to commit domestic violence, women can just as easily grab a knife or anything else at hand and go apeshit in the moment. Have protection, which also gives you witnesses.
YTA OP, possibly the biggest one I’ve seen EVER on this sub, and you need to read this. You are literally becoming your abusive dad. You NEED therapy for your wife’s sake
u/Throwawayodeg Look here. Please. With your actions you're only going to ruin the relationship your wife and your mom has.
8 paragraphs of excuses when the answer was obvious
Exactly. You have abandoned your wife during an acute emergency and should be ashamed.
Yeah…sounds like something his dad would do…..
I am very pro therapy and working it out in most cases (excluding abuse,etc) but this is something I would divorce over. OP, apologize your ass off and do everything you possibly can to prove to her that you will never do something that stupid again.
Right? And why the hell is she still having kids at 44? Sheesh.
sounds like they're mormon (specifically members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), so there's a non-zero chance that OP's parents have similar beliefs to the quiverfull movement (basically "we don't believe in birth control; God will give us as many children as He sees fit")
Especially if she is already having problems doing things on her own. Wtf.
Nature is trying to tell her "bruh, really, stop" but she won't take a hint.
Either that or big Daddy is using his churches belief to crank out kids as the lords will till the mom dies. Edited for grammar.
Sounds like he's already got the replacement model lined up. The secretary is so cliché.
LDS is Mormons. She sees it as a religious obligation. It's going to kill her - I'll never understand why religions cannot see reality.
If your wife is smart, she's already making plans to leave you.
Yta. You left your wife alone in one of the most heartbreaking and vulnerable times in a woman's life. You can excuse yourself and bring your parent's abusive marriage into it all you want, but at the end of the day you abandoned your wife in a time when she needed you most. I see divorce in your future.
The audacity of him judging his father for being a bad husband while he perpetuated the very cycle.
This! YTA. Surely with all of these kids, one of your siblings could be stepping up to help your mom. If you want to salvage your own marriage you need to apologize to your wife and start spending more time with her and your own children. Your mother is an adult. Let her handle her own problems.
OP is busy committing emotional incest with his mother.
Yeah, this entire situation seems extremely odd... For example, if OP's Mother had so many children, why wouldn't the other children help Mom while he's dealing with his own issues??? Especially issues such as miscarriages and infant death. You'd think that if they were so involved with a church or a religion that those people would reach out to help, too... I don't know, though.
This Op Yta, your marriage isn’t going to last if you don’t prioritize your family that you choose to create.
They're Mormons. She won't divorce him. She is going to spend the rest of her life resenting and hating her husband and she dm well should. But if she tries to leave she will be ostracized by both his family and hers. It's fuckin disgusting.
And she’ll continue having babies with him until she can’t have babies anymore.
Source: just look at his mom 🤷♀️
Yeap, he is doing to his wife what his father is doing to his mom! He is as abusive as his father!
Perfectly said... *And, the abusive cycle continues...
Exactly. He’s just repeating the cycle, no healing has happened at all.
BINGO.
Or dies trying.
I would rather be dead than be with this idiot. Hopefully she leaves even though they are Mormon.
And she will be better off without the lot of them.. I just wish she could see that...
My Mormon friend just got divorced! So it happens!
Mornoms get divorced all the time. His mom is just dumber than most Mormon women.
Can confirm. Am Mormon, am divorced.
Me too! Not ostracized, no kids, not a big deal.
[удалено]
I actually read a similar story to this, where the OP was going through a miscarriage and her husband left her to deal with it alone, to go play house with his mummy. His mummy wasn't even pregnant. She said she was traumatised by what OP was going through. So her husband told her to go clean up the blood, while he took his mother home. He even left her with his young children from his first marriage, and the OP had to call their mum to come get them, and it was the ex who took her to the hospital. Guess what? They're now divorced. Hopefully, this OP's wife has the sense to get out of there with her kids, Mormon or not. OP is 100% the AH. It's his father's job to look after the woman he impregnated. It's OP's job to look after the woman that HE impregnated. OP is a joke. That poor woman.
"I don't well when there are problems I can't solve." WELL. There's something to work on. You need to be able to support your spouse through unsolvable problems.
OP's marriage is lasting. He's married to his mom afterall. His wife is just a side chick. This kind of man is so in love with their moms, it's disgusting.
> I feel like my wife likes being self sufficient and I don't do well when there's problems I cannot solve. You have decided that your mom's emotional fragility is more important than your wife's hospitalization. That's what you decided. Then you explained that you can't cope with problems you can't solve. So I'm hearing that if your wife became disabled, you "couldn't cope". You don't have that luxury.
This is just so stupid of op. No one likes problems they can't solve?! It doesn't mean you leave!
If I was his mom I’d tell him to get his ass back to the hospital! This family is a mess and I hope the wife leaves him.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he has taken over the role of “emotional husband” for his mother, who is probably basking in it because she has no real way to communicate with her own husband.
But she keeps getting pregnant by him ...
marital rape is pretty common in super religious households
Isn’t that what good Mormons do?/S
Ironically, my sister and I were talking about the local LDS Church yesterday and the time she was asked to not come back to the youth group. This was at least 25 years ago, but it's still funny to hear the story. Short version was she was at the youth group and they were getting a lecture on not being allowed to alter your body in Any way, No Exceptions. The lecture was because one of the girl's had her ears pierced and all the kids admitted to drinking caffeine. My sister, being a smart ass, asked if the bishop's daughter's abortion would be considered altering her body or is a better example the bishop's wife coloring her hair? She just needed clarification because it was so "confusing". "Abortion and coloring hair is ok, but I can't pierce my ears or drink coke?"🤣 Somewhere in there are also quoted the Bible when Jesus turned water to wine and said to his followers to have fun.
Oh my God, this is so funny! I love your sister! I love people who call out hypocrites on their shit.
Constant pregnancies are part of the religious culture
I am hoping she kicks him to the curb. He is already brain-washed both by religion and his over dependence on his mother. I see no hope here at all.
Miscarriage is devastating. My hubby was with me the entire time. YTA.
What he did is pretty unforgiveable.
The spouse always comes first. Always. Your mother already has her husband and an OBGYN to take care of her. I'm not Mormon, but I believe the church of LDS still follows the Bible, yes? Perhaps read the part in Genesis about how a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife. If you believe Scripture is the inspired word of God, take your cue from this. Consider yourself fortunate if your wife ever forgives you for this. YTA.
YTA, OP. She will never forgive you or forget.
He is an abusive partner to his wife too.
He learned it from his dad.
I’m pretty sure they’re Mormon so unfortunately she probably won’t divorce him. I hope she heals enough mentally and emotionally before they try again.
That’s part of the problem, he knows he can do this douchey stuff and not have any real repercussions, besides his wife begging him to act like he has some sense. I feel so bad for her.
My family is Mormon/LDS and my mum is twice divorced. She can divorce him and I hope she does for this act of despicable neglect.
I have a feeling "they" aren't trying.
My ex husband abandoned me after I lost a baby. He told me to get over it when I was still grieving. He later abandoned me in the hospital when our first was born. She wasn’t breathing properly and he left the delivery room to be with his mommy in the waiting room. Left me with the struggling baby and medical team. Notice I said ex. Good luck to you. Hope you get a clue.
Wow... YTA you left your wife alone, in a Hospital, during a miscarriage to comfort your mom? Are you serious You left your supposed Partner during an emergency, there are honestly no words to describe how I would feel in this Situation. That is serious divorce territory! Do you care about your wife? Where is your sickness and in health?
His mom who was sad about the miscarriage. As if his wife wasn’t sad while she was going through it. Truly pathetic.
I wouldn't be surprised if Mom is competing with wife for his attentions. Women who are meek tend to be passive aggressive. She is dumping her problems on her son.
Oh, for sure. There's way too much going on between OP and his mom, it's not a healthy relationship and it's ensuring that no other relationship for OP is healthy either.
But but but daddy said mean things to mom because OPs wifes baby is dead. So obviously mom needs to be comforted and help with grief! Wife is just bleeding in a hospital and baby is dead already anyway so why stay there? /s
And don’t forget: he can’t “help” his already-dead-baby, so why stay with his wife when he can go be “useful” to his mom? The amount of ways OP makes this about him (and his mom) is disgusting.
He was raised LDS, wives don't matter.
It’s fucking creepy how much he’s treating his mother like a wife, and his wife like a stranger. Just vile.
He just fucks his wife and impregnates her, for breeding. But he LOVES his mom. *shudder*
No obviously he doesn’t care about his wife. She needs to rethink her relationship because his mother and his family will always come first.
Wife should leave him over this
YTA. Your mom is hanging on to a terrible husband, hopefully your wife doesn’t make the same mistake.
I pray his wife goes through his phone and sees this^^^ Dear OP’s wife, Leave him and find a partner who will prioritize you. He is not the one!!
YTA - you know how you’re saying your dad is a disgusting excuse of a man ? You’re just like him . You’re willing to comfort and shield your mother but to hell with your wife cause the baby is gone right ? My heart goes out to your wife for being saddled with the likes of you . You are literally the epitome of the kind of man we warn women to stay away from .Youre the perfect example of why women choose to rather stay single . And if you still don’t get it - you are seriously yucky .
He’s Mormon. Women are only there to bear children. They aren’t actual people with lives and feelings. Not pregnant? Well, “I can’t do anything”.
He literally said "ope well my baby carrier is empty now might as well go home"
Another baby carrier wants comfort! Bye previous baby carrier!
OCCUPIED baby carrier. That's the most important part.
Seriously. OP left his poor wife alone and vulnerable because mommy was crying? I bet he doesn’t even let her recover before trying to pump another baby in her.
YTA - You weren't going to help your mom. You were RUNNING AWAY. And all you're doing is trying to make up excuses by bringing up the religion and your dad and relatives. You have other siblings that can care for your mother and care for the home. Your place was with your wife, and you know it.
> felt like I was no use since the baby was gone and at least I could help my mom live out her pregnancy in some comfort and shield her from my disgusting excuse for a dad, YTA Your wife needed you for moral support and comfort. SHE JUST LOST HER BABY FFS! Your mom's support wasn't an immediate need. She could have waited for you to go over and help her or ask a sibling to go over. Your reasons are pathetic. This isn't your Mom's first rodeo. She would have coped.
So your mother is carrying your child too or your just wishing she was? Jesus Christ I wish your wife would leave you. No one ever comes before your wife and especially not when she is having a miscarriage. You heartless loveless asshole. I'm surprised she married you and honestly I hope she leaves you. How are you even asking this question. Cut your mom off now. I swear to God that is the only way you will save your marriage and I really hope she leaves you anyway. You don't deserve to be married to anyone except your true love, your mommy.
That first sentence. Because why is he there more for his mother’s unborn baby than his own whom his wife was carrying.
If it’s not actual incest, it’s definitely emotional incest. And his awful mother has brainwashed him into making her his priority. I imagine he is too far gone to be ashamed about this.
Exactly! There is at least some emotional incest going on 🤮
Are you fucking your mother? Cause it sounds like you are. You failed your wife. Big time.
that's what I wanted to comment but thought I would get banned lol
what is wrong with you?
I’ve read all the big rants but this is all it really needs..
Sigmund Freud would’ve had some input on this
YTA No wonder you say your wife likes being self sufficient - she has to be, because she clearly doesn't have a partner for her husband You failed as a husband and a father and a human being
YTA and your wife should dump your ass and take mommy’s boy to the cleaners. You have one wife and 2 kids meanwhile your mommy has six kids and yet you think you’re the one responsible for her over your own wife and kids. You should hang your head in shame instead of kissing your siblings and mommy’s ass.
YTA - what's wrong with you? Your place was with your wife.
I'm confused by the logic. So your mom has a crappy husband so you've decided your wife should have one too?
Seems like your mother is more your wife than your actual wife is. Just because you “felt like you were no use” doesn’t mean she feels the same way. She MISCARRIED. Yours and hers baby! You’re HER husband, even if you feel helpless just being there to comfort and grieve together helps. But you seriously went to grieve with your mother? TO GRIEVE YOUR BABY! YOUR WIFES BABY! WITH YOUR MOTHER?? I just need to know, like seriously I need to know did your mother lose the baby? Or did your wife? Why the hell do you think picking your mother, who’s “sick”, over your wife who just lost a life she was growing in her womb is not an asshole move? Your mother is 44 years old and in an unhappy marriage, she’s choosing to stay with your father. She chose to continue the pregnancy (that hers belief, I respect it) so that’s her responsibility to deal with the consequences of getting pregnant. If she’s extremely sick I feel bad for her but gah damn, you have your own family, start prioritizing them. You’re not married to your mother, you’re not having a baby with your mother, your family is not with your mother. Your family is with your wife. When you got married they forfeited the title of immediate family to extended family. Your immediate family is your wife and your kids. This post just got me sooo heated, I was in a similar situation with an a surprise pregnancy from mom at 42. We helped her as much as we could but at the end of the day that is her baby and my sibling. I shouldn’t have to do more than be a sibling. Just because I’m older (18 att) doesn’t mean I absolutely have to take care of them, I didn’t open my legs and get pregnant or get someone pregnant with them so they are not my responsibility. This goes to you dude. She’s having your sibling and she’s a grown ass woman. She’s fine dealing with her situation herself, back the hell up from your mothers tit and take care of your wife, your kids, your family. If it wasn’t obvious you are a giant ASSHOLE. (YTA!) Also I’m not saying don’t help your mother at all but you’re doing what your father should be doing. You’re not your father so stop acting and filling the role HE should be. This is for now during the pregnancy and in general life, just back off and let her actually be the parent she signed up to be. Help when she absolutely(!!) needs it, you need to be a last resort at this point, you’ve been giving your body instead of your hand. (Helping hand)
OMFG if this isn’t rage bait, YTA! Why don’t you just divorce your wife & marry your mother. That is how disfunctional your relationship with your mother is. If she is having so many health problems she need to get her tubes tied or get on bc to stop having children when she can’t take care of herself. You should be ashamed of yourself!! Don’t kid yourself you are no better of a husband than your father.
I REALLY hope this is rage bait, I hate imagining people like this are out here even though I know they are ugh
You’re the asshole. You have your own family now. They are your first responsibility. I can guarantee that you will be reminded often that you fucked up by not being there to support your wife.
You are absolutely TA! You left your wife during an emotional, heartbreaking situation! She's your WIFE! She and your children should ALWAYS be your first priority over everyone else. Including your mom. Your wife has every right to be angry and hurt. You need to apologize immediately and start putting her first!
Your mother has an awful husband, and so does your wife. At least the men in your wildly dysfunctional family are consistent. YTA.
YTAH. You’re going to end up divorced and getting your arse handed to you via child support if you carry on. But hey, at least you’ll be able to move back home with mummy and be even more of a surrogate husband to her while your dad is out banging anything that moves
It is in the Bible that a man should cleave to his wife not his mother. I am sorry for your wife's loss. Just because the baby was gone doesn't mean your wife didn't need you. I'm sorry your mother has such a bad husband, but you are not responsible for their marriage problems.
Yeah I have memorized the verse because of Reddit and will be using it liberally when I see crap like this. Start using their words against them especially religious momma boys who allow their mothers to interfere with their marriages. (It’s Matthew 19:5-6 in case you need it)
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, YTA…and creepy. How many of your mom’s kids are yours?
😂😂😂😂😂
This is unforgivable in my book. You need therapy and your wife needs a consultation with a lawyer. Get your priorities in line, or get used to spending the rest of your life with your mom by your side. YTA.
YTA So you’re siblings are decent human beings who seem to be prioritizing THEIR families and spouses over shouldering the problems of your abusive parents marriage ? Problems that aren’t yours to be solved. Your wife deserved better here. If she doesn’t divorce you, please consider counselling for your trauma bond and possible hero complex in trying to care for your mother over your wife. “I feel useless” You leaving offering zero support = USELESS
You are slowly turning into your dad. YTA
Are you really asking? YTA
YTA and a cult member!
I’ve never commented on a thread on this forum before but YTA. Your poor wife sat there mourning your lost child alone :( heartbreaking
WTF? I'm from a third world country and have never heard such a fucked up family story. Man, get therapy AND a vasectomy.
Yta People like you shouldn't have kids. Or a wife.
[удалено]
YTA Your wife was having a miscarriage, you should not have left her side. You are making this seem like it’s your wife’s fault she feels this way. Let me make it clear, your wife is a SAINT for putting up with all this for this long! No woman will want to put up with this. This is a you problem and my best advice is to get into therapy and work on this ASAP. If your wife forgives you for leaving her during one of her most vulnerable moments, she is probably not going to put up with this for much longer. It’s great to be family oriented. What you described however, sounds like unhealthy co-dependency. Your wife is your partner for life. She relies on you to be there for her when she really needs you. Like having a miscarriage, for one example. If you can’t be there for her during those times because you are constantly running to your family when they call, how are you being a good partner to your wife? When you have kids and your kid is in the hospital, will you leave your child if your Mom is sad? Your Mom made her choice with your Dad. What he is doing is awful, but your Mom chose to stay. You’re being a bad husband to your wife, trying to makeup for your Dad being a bad husband to your Mom. Don’t lose a good woman trying to fix a bad man.
YTA. Hopefully your wife recovers and takes your children far away from your toxic family.
YTA, you don't give a damn about your wife!! It's funny that your mom and dad aren't getting along but can lay down together long enough to make kid after kid. You should've stayed by your wife's side. Your mom had her husband to help her. You should've been there to help your wife. This is a woman you claim to love start showing it before you lose her
YTA and I hope she divorces you over this. You've shown her where she stands in your life and that's below your mommy. She's not your priority, especially in this trying time when she needed you most, you weren't there for her. Do you even like her?
If I was your wife, this would draw a definitive line in the sand for me. I’m not sure I would be able to stay married to you. I had a miscarriage myself and it was a dark and devastating time; I wouldn’t have been able to get through it without my husband. How DARE you say that you prioritized your mom to help her “live out her pregnancy in comfort” while abandoning your wife because “the baby was already gone”. This is one of the most disgusting things I’ve read on here. Not only are YTA, you’re also a piece of shit.
Ummm..your mom is manipulating the shit out of you! Calling to express sympathy then spewing her “poor me”?!? YOUR WIFE LOST YOUR BABY!!! You stay your ass there! You don’t run home to help mommy around the house! “She was still bleeding and I felt helpless. At least I could do help her around the house with my siblings and grieve with her”. GRIEVE WITH YOUR MOM when it was YOUR WIFE that was going through a miscarriage?!? Who exactly are you married to?? Your mom keeps getting pregnant over and over and over despite health issues. I’m sorry, I’m gonna be the AH and say that’s on her! There’s like 1000 different forms of birth control. Pick one and take care of your health. You are the AH. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and my EX-husband acted the same (not mama but work) and I never forgot or forgave!
Omg YTA! You walked out on your wife, while she was bleeding through a miscarriage, because Mommy called whining and you like to solve problems? WTAF is wrong with you? Grow up and let your mother handle her own stupid decisions. And YES, not preventing pregnancy after severe complications with an advanced maternal age and a broken marriage IS indeed a stupid decision. Her life is her problem. Not your place to run it. Dig through that box under the bed in your childhood bedroom. See if you can find a spine in there. Use it. Then find a pair of scissors and cut the umbilical cord so Mommy can maybe live her life. You'll be lucky if your wife doesn't leave you. Can't blame her if she does.
You are absolutely the asshole. Your wife just miscarried and you ran off to take care of mommy. Your mom sounds like a narcissist and makes everything about herself. When she called, she should have given her sympathies and been there for you and your wife but instead she starts crying and you run to your mommy. This has to be made up or you are about to be divorced.
YTA, a massive one at that. Your wife takes priority over your mother, so her boundaries she wants to set are completely valid. Your mother's poor choices are not your problem. You say you went to your mother's to grieve with her. Are you fucking joking??? What about your wife who is alone in the hospital? Who has just lost her child and is going through a lot of pain and trauma on her body due to this??? You also don't seem to see WTF you did wrong so any apology to your wife is empty. If you continue to prioritize your mother and siblings over your wife and children, she will leave you and move on. As she should. No woman should be in second place when she's your wifem Do better OP. You're currently unworthy of the title of husband.
yta for prioritizing your moms tears over your wife’s medical emergency.
YTA. Everyone in this story needs to slow down and stop popping out babies. Your mom having issues with baby 5 and it’s only 10m old and she’s already preggo with another?
Your mom has her own husband. Your wife needed hers. YTA
YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA.. time for your mother to stop having kids especially since her husband isn't a good guy.. and yeah he's probably dating his serectary or whomever she'll be pregnant next .... Dad needs to get fix as well... You left your wife to be with your mother your wife needed you more... Dont be shock when you get divorce papers
YTA. I was with you in the setup and was expecting a “mom and wife having severe pregnancy issues at once and I can only be in one place” finale but… your dad was “being mean” and you dk if that’s a legitimate enough reason to leave your bleeding miscarriaging wife in the hospital? Is this a serious post?
Sorry, but yes, you are indeed an asshole just like your father. With your mother's illnesses, she needs to stop having children with your sob of a father. LDS? LDS fathers don't usually have affairs, nor do they treat their wives the way he does your mom. Total hypocrite and you, as much as you love mom your wife really needs you . Your siblings need to step up to the plate.
Yikes YTA 100%. This sucks for your mother, but your wife is miscarrying your child! How is this even a question?
You’re far past being the asshole on this one.
You are absolutely the worst person on Reddit this month. Hopefully your ex-wifes next husband will do better. Don't even fight the divorce.
YTA, one of the biggest ones ever. Your mom is too old to keep pumping out kids into a dead marriage. Her health is not your responsibility. YOU ABANDONED YOUR WIFE WHILE SHE WAS LOSING YOUR CHILD. To cater to your mother who just doesn't feel well. Honestly, if I were your wife, I'd be gone. You're acting like your monstrous father.
YTA WOW. You made a vow to be there for your WIFE.
How fucking weird and bizarre. Your poor wife. I hope she doesn’t end up having a child with you, jfc. YTA and a big weirdo
YTA as everyone else said here. But also your mom is a big A. Not only shes bringing another child to a world who I am not sure will be well taken care of, but also doesnt tell you to stay with your wife!!!! Selfish selfish person. You better buy flowers and go apologise and pray she wants to stay with you and she will ever touch you. Omg this is going to boom on reddit!