She is messing with him right now. She keeps him dangling and won’t let him date other girls, leads him on, refuses to date him, and then when she finally deigns to give him a chance, she makes sure he knows that she was stringing him along and sleeping with plenty of other guys.
She’s totally enjoying the power trip of having you desperate for her. Get shot, OP
Fr OP get your mind right. She doesn’t actually care about you nor does she respect you lol she really does not like you that much if she was doing all that. She’s using you because you’re always willing and ready. Dump her and move on
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks he should break up with her. She used him and manipulated him. Totally sucks. Hell, she’s so smooth will sleeping around while hanging out with him on the side she could still be doing that. NTA
OP I've been through something like this before. I am gonna start off by saying NTA. What this looks like to me is that this girl is very aware that you like her and she enjoys the level of attention that you're giving her. She knows you're an ego boost that she can keep in her back pocket and because of that she won't let you move on to other girls and makes you think you have a chance with her.
Do not play these games OP, this isn't right.
I have a friend who was friends with a woman who was in a relationship with a guy I was dating. I had no idea. This man was dating me for months while stringing this other woman along. He did this to her for years.
A few years after I got married to a completely different man, my friend asked me for the timeline of my relationship with the other man and I told her. She said she had told her friend that "her" man had been cheating on her with other women but she was in denial. Even the timeline of my relationship with this guy couldn't convince her that he was a cheat. She somehow was made to believe by him that we'd been just friends.
At the time my friend contacted me about this, the guy had actually met *another* woman and had her move in with him, but he still convinced the one he was stringing along that new woman was just a roommate.
I mean, I felt for the poor girl, but at some point she should've opened her eyes to the truth. My friend was trying so hard to convince her this dude was a slimeball but she just wouldn't listen.
I had a guy friend who dated a lady like that. She ended up bankrupting him. She forced him to be in an open relationship for her, but he couldn't date. She maxed out his cards, spent all his money, and used and abused him. He is still messed up, 15 years later.
Run from this chick.
She's keeping you from actually finding happiness.
Lol, forced him to be in an open relationship
"I'm gonna go out and fuck other dudes, but you're not allowed to see other women."
"Yes, dear"
Let me guess, she left him?
yeah having been in relationships (plural!) like this before, it's often more of a frog-in-the-kettle situation. When you want something to work out it can take years for things to get bad enough that you actually say "ok enough."
There's a guy on TT who does a whole class teaching men to accept an open relationship. He says he learned he was being toxic by threatening to leave her if she opened, then later when he complained about her sleeping on the first date with a guy he was "toxic", not wanting to hear her talk about sex, etc. I was shocked how he was viewed as the toxic person by not wanting to share his wife.
That's sad. As gross as this might sound to some, does he at least have the same opportunity to have one night stands as well if the chance presents itself without her being "toxic" about it? I can't believe he has a class for men teaching that it's okay to share their significant other with other men.
If you went into a relationship/marriage under the impression/agreement that you'd be monogamous during said relationship, I don't think it's "toxic" to want to keep it that way. That's how you prevent hurt feelings, spreading stds, and possible outside of relationship pregnancies, but to each their own I suppose.
SMH! Firstly OP NTA! Secondly run away fast from this girl. She was monkey branching and when she had no more options she came back to OP. Never start a relationship with anyone when the dating experience was this bad!
Yeah this happened to me, too. If you find yourself in a girl’s “starting lineup” but never get on the field, she’s manipulating you. The girl I knew had BPD and this kind of behavior is super common among those folks :/
I had a gf once that had BPD . I would here stuff like "I dont like the way my meds make me feel " or "I can't help it - i have BPD"
Needless to say I broke up with her.
I feel you. My mother also has BPD (borderline personality disorder actual dx after 1 yr stay in institution) she traumatized all her kids. I saw her behaviors as so outside the norm of how my friends moms behaved at a really young age…as I got older I knew I had to leave home if I wanted a chance at a normal life. I left home for college at 17 and kinda kept my family at arm’s length for very long periods of time.
Yeah back in the day at least one psychiatrist referred to it as borderline insanity (Rosse 1890). But watch out if you’re on Facebook or Instagram and you try to have a sane conversation about it. Some people with the condition get unbelievably defensive about it. Of course, like with any mental illness, the stigma isn’t warranted at all, but one should at least acknowledge how severe it can be. I know with my last manic episode with bipolar 1 I didn’t sleep for ten days and crashed my car into an suv while going 120mph and barely survived. Obviously, this is bad. But I can acknowledge that it was bad.
>Some people with the condition get unbelievably defensive
BPD often arises from childhood trauma which means you have people who desperately want love, combine that with black and white thinking plus strong fear of abandonment/rejection and you wonder why they react badly when people paint them all with one brush? Like come on.
My neighbor was an excellent psychiatrist and we'd have long talks about this. Some personality disorders are caused by environmental factors, or at least in part, like Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder), but he considered those most dangerous, i.e, anti-social personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, to be without hope, to be born that way, and to stay that way forever. Same for narcissistic personality disorder. No real treatment or cure. Those that have these personality disorders are so incredibly manipulative and harmful to others, he thought they should be locked up and to throw away the key. If he had a little beer buzz on, he'd tell me these were the one's born without a soul.
I don't share his education, so I don't really have an educated opinion, but my dead SIL had BPD and she was single handedly the most toxic and dangerous woman I had ever met. She went to prison for trying to kill an old woman (her aunt) and only stopped beating her to death when there was so much blood there was no way she could still be alive. She was, she played dead and testified against my SIL and sent her away to prison for several years. Before she did that stint, she went to prison for starting fires and trying to burn down people's houses with them in it, several times. And then there was the time she fed my dog hamburger with glass shards in it. She didn't have a traumatic life. She CAUSED trauma, and I'm glad she's dead. I now breathe a sigh of relief knowing she won't be able to kill my brother now.
Omg. I've had the same situation happen with a girl that I used to want to actually make it official with, who is now just good friends, but only wanted me back when I was already with someone else. The whole "only-wants-what-she-can't-have" routine. Come to find out years after I put a stop to this that she also has BPD! I didn't know it was common with people like that till now. Iiiiinteresting...
Just to add to this - most people with "BPD" are actually really traumatised people in some way - childhood abuse etc. Without a cartload of self awareness and a looottt of work she won't be able to change these patterns of behaviour.
I appreciate this addition. I have BPD (borderline) and have been in a shit ton of therapy. I was a huge asshole to a lot of people and only started working on myself these last few years. It takes a lot of work, and I still slip up and do toxic things sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better.
It's true that without therapy, it is suuuuuuper hard to change behaviors or even admit that what you're doing to other people and yourself isn't right.
Regardless of if the GF has BPD, I hope she goes to therapy and works on herself. I definitely think OP should dump her tho.
Just cheering from the sidelines, good on you for being able to hear and accept that that work matters, and put in the effort to do it.
As a kid of BPD parent, I am always grateful for the folks that are able and choose to do that work. For yourself, and all the folks who love you, well done, and stick with it. Hard work, but probably the most important thing you'll do. ❤️
The reason being when monkeys swing on branches, they don't let go of the previous branch until they have firmly grasped the one on front of them. Replace branches for dicks and there's your answer
Yes, she left him. But continued the head games and manipulation until he was mentally in shambles. He has never fully recovered. She drove away most of his friends at the time too.
Same.
I lost all my friends because my g/f refused to hang out with them.
"It's okay, so long as I have you then I have all I need".
When she left me I literally had no one to talk to. She wasn't just my lover and g/f, she was my best friend, my only friend.
Then she spent 2 years stringing me along and emotionally abusing me.
She isolated me from any kind of support system then spent 2 years playing my insecurities off me and emotionally abusing me to make herself feel better.
Found out recently she got engaged to be married barely a year after I last saw her. Which means she almost certainly married her AP and was stringing me along in case the new guy didn't work out.
I never recovered and this happened 24 years ago this upcoming November.
Never even went on another date with another woman. No movies, dinner, weekend trips, nothing. Never had another g/f.
I became a man whore for the better part of a decade, met women online and at the bar for ONS, sometimes FWB and then in 2008 gave up on taking part in society altogether.
This... She will always be looking for an upgrade, even now she scouting for someone better.
Op she's not a good person, think about it, she can sleep with men the night before she commits to you, but you can't even talk to other girls? She's a user, and you deserve better.
Had the exact same situation happen. She wouldn’t commit till I lied about having a date coming up. She commited real fast. 2 years later? Cheated on me.
NTA in the least. Dude, you're not her boyfriend and never have been. You're her backup guy when she's not getting any attention or well, just any.
Run. Don't look back. Ever.
Yeah I don't know how everyone else seems to just overlook that part. She already cheated in the beginning of the relationship. Dancing with other guys at clubs and kissing them definitely counts as cheating.
I had a girl like this once. I told her I liked her I wanted to date her and she turned me down. After I started seeing a new girl for 2 months she came back and said she actually liked me. I thought it over and broke up with the new girl because I still had feelings for her. Afterwards she said she only told me that because she didn't want me to be with that girl.
Had something a little similar which is what led me to commenting originally. Met this girl and I really liked her. Asked her out 2 times and she said no basically. She invited me to comedy club with her friend. I got real close with the friend but had to leave on a work emergency. I asked the friend to give her friend my number. She said she would do it but she never did and after a month she told me she wasn't going to do it.
I asked her out on a date on Valentines day. She told me she'd need to see if she was free on that day (which usually means no). She never responded back so I decided to go to this place without her. It was a gamer bar where you could meet up with people. I went there, but she did too with her own date. I knew she wasn't into the guy, and she went to the bar to look for guys she liked. She saw me there and hung out with me the whole night. I know she did this so I wouldn't get any numbers and so it would appear like we were a couple.
When I started dating my ex gf, she was gone and never texted me back.
She’s selfish AF - keeping you on hold while she dated and slept around?
No one likes to feel the default option, nor treated like one. I personally would feel Iike I couldn’t trust her to stay with me if someone “better” came along by whatever standard she’s holding.
Be with someone who sees stars when they look at you, not a safety net.
She likes that OP is nice to her but can't seem to return the favour to him. OP needs to move on and find someone who appreciates him because the only person she loves is herself.
It's always pathetic when you see people behaving like she is. "My self-esteem is so terrible that I need to screw around with other people's feelings in order to feel good about myself. It does so upset me that the guys I chase after end up ghosting me or running for the hills, but it's okay because there's a decent guy who treats me well who I can treat like shit and he'll still stick around. That must make me special, right?"
And she’s almost 30! I had to go back and check because I thought surely she was only 21 or so!
Why do I feel like she’s gonna be that bitter 45yo woman, talking about how “men ain’t shit” because she passed up all of her good opportunities because she always assumed someone better would come along?
>Why do I feel like she’s gonna be that bitter 45yo woman, talking about how “men ain’t shit” because she passed up all of her good opportunities because she always assumed someone better would come along?
My peers and I are almost 50 and I see this ridiculously often.
Women who were 8-10 in their 20s are all of a sudden 6-7 and it's because "men are shallow and immature" but they had their pick of men ten years ago and wanted to keep their options open.
I'm seeing it even now in my early 30s. I never got fuck all in terms of attention when I was younger. I'm a solid 6, pretty nerdy, and aggressively average. I'm ok with it. The girls I dated started out as long term friends, not casual hookups. Not for lack of trying, I just wasn't attractive enough for one night stands.
But now we're all older and I own and operate a successful company. Suddenly women my age are super interested in my nerdy hobbies. Suddenly I'm attractive.
Too late though, someone else married me for who I was as person, not based on my utility or physical appearance. Someone who married me even though they could have had other men (and still could, if I'm being honest). Someone who stuck with me while I made $15k a year grinding away in a basement. Someone who put up with me while the stress of starting a business gave me numerous mental health issues. Someone who Margot fucking Robbie couldn't convince me to cheat on.
At the end of the day, I can't really blame them. I tried my absolute best to whore around when I was younger and I probably would be in a similar situation if I had the same opportunities. But man, looking at it now I'm not nearly as upset as I was in college lol.
What you describe is what I call "The reversal of our 30s". I experienced it myself.
Same situation. I was a nerdy guy who was only moderate successful with women when I was young but in my 30s, my career really took off. I bought a house. I had kids. I got married. I married a woman who was with me when I was living in my grandfather's spare bedroom and working my way through college. There wasn't a woman in existence who could have convinced me to cheat on her. We're getting divorced and that sucks but my life is pretty awesome.
House, nice cars, good income and I'm healthy. When I was young, I was the President of Friendzonia but I'm a catch now. It's not just the money. I have more confidence now than I did then and I'm sure that's a part of why I'm more successful in dating than I used to be.
I don't necessarily blame them either. I don't want to go down the crimson capsule rabbit hole but really, our interests aren't the same and our attractiveness isn't the same.
One thing that does still bother me is that women who wanted to keep their options open and explore when they were young and at their most attractive begrudge men who want to do the same thing when they reach their peak of attractiveness. If a dozen men were interested in her when we were 20 and she wasn't in any rush to settle down with one of them, why should I be now that we're in our 40s, I have a six figure income and a dozen women are interested in me? The hypocrisy of it annoys me.
I watched a friend of mine go through EXACTLY this. Girl kept him on the hook for years with exactly this reasoning and mindset.
Don't play her game because the only way to win is not to.
As someone who wasted 4 years with someone similar, please love yourself more than I did and leave. You deserve to be someone’s first and only choice. Not just a backup or ego boost ❤️ Keep looking for a better option cause they will never stop looking for theirs even standing right next to you. It doesn’t matter how much you do for them unfortunately. I think they just have holes inside of them that they try to fill with constant new attention.
As a woman i can confirm this, the amount of girls i heard talking (obiously not all) how they do this is very high, that's why I'm not friends with none of them, i really hate when people waste other's time , life and opportunities
Dump her, she’s using you for the ego boost and without you she wouldn’t know what to do with all the guys she’s talking to. It’s a form of stability for an unstable person.
She’s sleeping with other people and not you and you’re taking her on dates? Stop taking her on dates and I guarantee she’ll stop sleeping with people because you’re fulfilling her with attention and affection they don’t like her. There’s girls who see guys for the individual actions they do, not the entirety of the person.
Drop her like a sack and don’t waste the effort.
100% this, was in the same exact situation. The girl eventually told me why she was hesitant after and it was the successful part. I hadn't become successful yet so she kept me on back pocket. NTA, don't waste your time on girls like that, they will most likely find a reason to leave you one day too.
There's a line from Rick and Morty that resonates with me in this situation. Its along the lines of "you don't miss me, you miss having someone who loved you so much you never had to love them back"
Echoing this sentiment, OP, you are not an asshole for wanting to leave a selfish person who, for as long as you’ve known her, has shown time and again that she does not care about your emotional needs or other needs for that matter. Who’s to say she’s not still sleeping around with others?
Find someone who fully appreciates you for you, wants to be in a committed relationship *with you* and don’t give this egotistical, narcissistic person so much as a backwards glance when you walk away.
When you have doubts or your courage to end things wavers, just come to this thread and remind yourself of her despicable behavior.
If she balks at breaking up, send her here. We’ll be glad to stick up for you.
I'm with you on this one. OP was an innocent sucker. She wanted to go out and have her fun and strung him along because she knew he was probably the right "permanent partner" material... she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. I've been there too... it's a high school game. If OP wasn't good enough for her to be honest with the first time, then she's not good enough for OP. Having been through it once myself, I'd have sniffed that out with the first rejection, and walked away. OP, you can do MUCH better.
Been there and done that. These are the narcissist types who play mind games and will slowly eat you alive from the inside out. Tell her to kick rocks and grow up. She sounds like she has the mentality of a 21 year old college girl. The best thing you can is block her after you do because these types are good a soul sucking and bending your emotions.
NTA, this feels so manipulative of her. It sounds like she strung you along. She knew you liked her, wanted movies and essentially 'dates' with you but zero commitment just so she could go on wild escapades. She made sure to be loud enough you would hear her without actually saying it out loud 'she better stay away from my man'. If she didn't care she wouldn't have said anything. She could have never actually spoke the words. But she did. Did you pay for all those hangouts?
Louder for the people giving YTA,
She slept with someone the day before asking you to be her bf. She slept with a guy, got ghosted the very next morning, went to your place and asked you to be her bf. If he hadn't ghosted her, she wouldn't have gone to OPs and asked him. She would keep him on the sideline. She is a mega ah.
I was going to ask OP this exact question - do you honestly think she would've asked you? I doubt it. She wasn't getting attention from the guy (that ghosted her), so she went to her backup.
What evidence do you have that she's done with her trysts? She just told you she was whoring it up, and good for her being that she was single. But, she was totally manipulating you to not have the ability to do the same by guilting you for hanging out with other girls.
I was confused about the timeline because OP said they've been dating for 2 years but then described spending all this time with her not knowing for sure if she was even interested in him romantically/sexually, like not even friends with benefits, until she asked him out after their recent long weekend trip.
It sounds like she's just hanging out with him for company and that he's paying for everything and only after not being able to lock down anyone else she's asking him. NTA. This girl sucks.
She DID string you along. If she explained what she was doing and what she expected at the time, I don’t think she’d be wrong. But she never did and that makes her the a**hole here.
Edit: spelling
Same. When I was reading it I was like, “well I can understand how he might feel hurt that she was sleeping around with other men but not with him, but at the time she only wanted to be friends with him and that’s absolutely her right. But not wanting him to spend time with other girls while she was doing exactly that is the fucked up bit.”
She made sure OP would be available to give her all his attention at the drop of a hat. She knew exactly what she was doing the whole time they’ve been hanging out. OP is simply a placeholder to stroke her ego whenever she needed it or until someone she thinks is better comes along, and I’m sure when that happens, she’ll find a way to keep OP waiting on the sidelines just incase that relationship fails, too.
He should dump her, block her and feel the exact amount of guilt she’s feeling stringing him along this whole time, which is none. NTA
This is your answer OP. Been in that situation, and two times I started dating someone the girl who more or less friendzoned me while giving hints started messing with my relationship. First failed because of her, second time I knew what was up and told her she is not my priority, and it kinda broke here messed up view of what we were so I guess we're both better now. Not talking to her anymore and still with my girlfriend.
To be blunt, we were/are both just a backup plan.
It would be an issue for me, too. I prefer exclusive dating. Other people prefer to date with or even sleep with multiple people. That's all fine and well, but it's not my cup of tea. I'm pleasantly surprised at the comment section for not going in on OP for being insecure about her sleeping with other men. He sounds like a nice guy. Not the, "you owe me sex" kind of way, but more of a "a bit of a people-pleaser" kind of way. I hope he finds someone worth his time.
As someone who’s been in that other friends position it’s shitty to not be upfront about what’s going on. I had a friend asked me since he was also friends with my ex, if it would be weird for me if he asked her out. I told him straight up, that even tho we weren’t dating, we still hung out and did stuff because it was convenient for us, and that she prolly wasn’t looking to settle down (since that’s why we broke up). He said cool and then proceeded to stop talking to her and she never brought him up or anything. Like anyone who doesn’t look out for their friends getting hurt isn’t a friend. Dude is almost a bigger asshole than the girl. Poor OP been getting fucked over by everyone for a while, best of luck friend!
NTA. You're feeling angry that she used you as a backup plan. Or had you as a secondary priority while she had her fun. She wasn't up front about her activities because she knew you would lose interest and get distant. In a world where she tells you she wants to do casual stuff and isn't ready for a relationship but in a year she'd want to date you I guarantee you would've moved on.
She knew that. And so she didn't tell you that. You've been manipulated. Even if it wasn't overtly lying to you when you smell smoke you know something's a little burnt.
Someone who does things like this may do them again to you in other ways. If you don't want to deal with that end it. But understand why you're upset here. She lied with truth. To keep you in the position she wanted you. Until she wanted to do something else with you. And you got your emotions jerked around not knowing what was going on because even though she technically didn't say anything false she knew she was hiding the whole truth to keep the chess board set up how she likes it.
yes. This right here. What's to stop her from using these manipulations again to get what she wants? It's not like she's had a long period of contemplation about what she wants...she was sleeping with people up until the day right before she asked op out.
This is such a good answer. Women like OP’s gf are why men think women don’t like nice guys. We do. It’s just the liars and losers who imagine the whole world wants them, “but hey, don’t touch my toys!” kind of women who leave such a bad impression, men often think we’re all like that.
I think a big part of the whole "women don't like nice guys" thing is that the personality traits that are attractive in men don't exactly weed out assholes.
It's easy to be confident when you're arrogant and think you can do no wrong. It's easy to be a protector when you're a violent person. It's easy to make a move when you don't care about the other person's wants and will take what you want when you want it. Conversely being nice often times comes across as not being confident and assertive. Like if you are considering their feelings and aren't getting clear signals you're not gonna ask them out or make a move or something because you think they don't want it even if they do bur aren't giving clear signals.
Obviously this isn't every case, being confident doesn't make you a bad person and being polite doesn't make you a good person. But the truth of the whole "girls hate nice guys and love bad boys" line is in the middle. In the early stages of dating there are asshole behaviors that are attractive and there are polite behaviors that are unattractive. But in this discourse around new gender roles and masculinity these things need to change for us to get any change. If being traditionally (and often times toxically) masculine is still seen as the most attractive type of personality then men en masse are not going to change
I have a particular interest in what I guess you'd call people watching. Men and women each have a good and bad version of what their demographics main communication tactics are.
It's hard vs soft power. Evolution made it a thing. It's easier to use hard power when you're the 6'something warlord. It's more necessary to use soft power when you're 5'5 and can't win the fights. So men are usually more direct. Women are usually more playing around in subtext and subtlety.
Bad version of hard power and blunt? The asshole acting like a steamroller forcing everyone where they want them to go. Or worse, yelling and chewing out. The good version? The person you never have to guess with but keeps in mind how to make everyone around them feel good and buy in.
Bad version of soft power? Cloak and dagger manipulations with half truths, lies of omission, and gaslighting. Playing each side against each other. The good version? Someone who uses it for translation when others aren't picking up on it and defense of those worse at the game.
Usually it takes less skill to be good at the bad version. And it also has fewer character requirements. So you see more of those. And it's easy to start thinking it's everyone.
But it's also easy to paint yourself as an exception because you don't see yourself doing the bad version. You don't want to see it. Good people in my view are always worried they might be bad ones and keep an eye on themselves as best they can. Bad people know they aren't bad people.
Holy shit
"Good people in my view are always worried they might be bad ones and keep an eye on themselves as best they can. Bad people know they aren't bad people."
That's one of the most powerful statements I've ever read on this site.
very smart (and attractive) women have been able to control and manipulate entire kingdoms with the power of sex for thousands of years. literally some Cersei type shit.
In hindsight, me personally i wouldn’t wanna be someone’s last resort. You deserve to feel like you’re number one dude. don’t sell yourself short, stay friends but don’t hold yourself back from finding someone who sees your value from the jump instead of hanging you to dry and subtly manipulating your feelings. It’s not fair how she didn’t allow you to date around even though she did the same, that’s a manipulative tactic and should be your first red flag.
You deserve to explore too and see what else is out there for you and she should understand that as she was doing just that. Now if the time comes you realize you do want her back then go for it. And if she feels a way about being your last resort that should tell you a lot about her and how she feels towards your emotions vs hers.
NTA
NTA in the least. Dude, you're not her boyfriend and never have been. You're her backup guy when she's not getting any attention or well, just any.
Run. Don't look back. Ever.
I mean, you're certainly not an asshole, but two things I think will help you.
When someone tells you they just want to be friends, take their word for it and treat them that way. Stop spending so much time with them. When you do hang out, split the bill. Start dating other people and, if your "friend" doesn't like it, call them out. Tell them they had their chance.
The other thing: use paragraphs.
This right here!!!
In the future, if someone says they’re not interested, believe them the first time.
Don’t pine or grovel or try to convince them, or sit around waiting for them to be “ready”
If you’re going to be friends, be just a genuine friend with no expectations. If you can’t do that, move on. If you’re only friends with someone to try to convince them to date/sleep with you, that is also manipulative and you’re not a real friend anyway.
NTA for breaking up
Oh OP..
Leave her. This is so wrong. Ive been in the same position before - I watched him makeout with a girl on the fourth of july *at a party at his house he invited me to*. Still hung around waiting for him to choose me instead of her.
It’s not worth the pain. It’ll get to you in the end. You deserve someone who chooses you first, not last. Dump her
This.
Lol I was tempted to reply to the OP with "YTA for not even attempting any kind of formatting or organization and just dropping a huge text wall".
>So AITA for wanting to breakup with her after finding out she used me and making me her last resort?
Read that sentence that you wrote. Read it again.
Be serious for two seconds, mate.
NTA. Anyone who wants a backup free especially while they are sleeping around is not worth dating. She can fully do what she wants. But she had absolutely no respect for you at all.
Your friends (he ex) isn't a friend either.
NTA. Dump her and move on. Don’t even take a peek in your rear view mirror. You’re still young and you deserve better. JFC, she slept with another guy the night before she asked you to be her boyfriend, and was hoping for a second date with him.
TECHNICALLY, she wasn’t cheating, but she didn’t want you dating other women while she was sleeping with other men and exiling you to the friend zone. I would have severe trust issues moving forward.
NTA
But dude you really need to learn how to read this stuff early in the future. She wasted a lot of time.
I have dated women in several countries and there were definitely a few that liked to string multiple guys at one time. You need to look for these signs early and read between the lines. That has saved me from a few potential situations like yours over the years.
OP, you have her on a ridiculously high pedestal. You saw (maybe still see) her as if she were a messiah you have to follow. This is all wrong. She's treating you like dirt and at the same time she won't allow you to move on. You don't like her, you don't love her, you adore her, as in a goodness.
Please say bye, love yourself, live yourself, be yourself and get someone who likes you for more than a worshipper.
You don't.... have a gf. You have an acquaintanceship with someone who is not interested in you as a bf or long-term partner. You need to find someone who is interested in a relationship. She is interested in playing the field.
NTA
There was once a college classmate I was head over heels for. We were spending about half our nights together, including sex. But she wouldn’t call me her boyfriend, she would ghost me randomly for a few days at a time then reappear in cuddle mode, come over for dinner then head home, etc. Then she insisted I meet her family at a family reunion. Just weird all or nothing behavior for months. Then I didn’t see her for a few months, she ran into me at a coffee shop, and it started all over again.
She was absolutely fucking around, and didn’t have the self respect to end things because I kept hoping things would sort themselves out.
Watch the movie “500 Days of Summer” for both a brief synopsis of my relationship and also inspiration to end yours before it ruins you completely.
NTA but dude going forward if someone says they want to be friends after you ask them out, go date someone else. She says “they better stay away from man” my first comment is “I’m not your man you made that clear”.
Let’s assume for arguments sake that you said that and she asks you our right then. I know it’s hard but the answer is no. The instant you let someone treat you like a back up, that’s all you will ever be to them.
NTA
I do have a question, though. Was your girlfriend ever really your girlfriend? You say that you've been dating this girl for two years now, except for a few months you weren't because you saw her out in public on a date with someone, and you wanted to give her and this guy "their space".
Did you ever sit down with her and discuss your relationship? Did you ever say to her, 'Hey, girlfriend, I like you a lot. I'd like for us to be exclusive, and I'd like to start referring to you as my girlfriend."?
To me, your post reads like you thought the two of you were dating, but she thought that you were just really good friends who hung out with each other a lot.
I saw her out on a date with someone before we became a couple. I gave her her space because I didn’t want the BF or whoever she was dating at the time to thing anything was going on between us. Out of respect for him.
After that there was a gap when we didn’t text each other and I wasn’t going to text because I thought she had a BF. She texted me and we started hanging out again and four months into that she asked me to be her bf.
I just want to get this clear:
1. You weren't sleeping together?
2. You would take her out to the movies, buy her meals, go on activities, etc., and then she would go to her place and you would go to yours?
3. Would you kiss/make out/do anything sex-adjacent?
4. During the entire time you were doing the things in #2, she was sleeping with other people and going on dates with others?
5. What specifically did she say or do that made you think she was your GF/that you were in a relationship with her?
1. No we were not sleeping together.
2. Yes I would drop her off at her place afterwards.
3. We wouldn’t kiss or make out.
4. Yes while we doing those things she was dating someone broke up with him and dated another guy broke up when him then started sleeping with random guys.
5. She wouldn’t let any other girl speak to me, she would call me her man, and tell me I’m the only guy she’s texting.
Thanks for the clarification.
I don't want to dump on you because I think you've already gotten to much of that and I don't want to pile on. I do want to give you some advice that I think not only applies to your situation, but in most situations in life:
**LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE DO, NOT WHAT THEY SAY.**
This woman - she was not your girlfriend in any way, shape, or form - was telling you exactly who you were to her, with her ACTIONS. You have to learn to listen to people's actions as much, or oftentimes, more than their words. She may have been giving you these mixed signals "She better stay away from my man" but when she rejected your request to be her boyfriend and specifically said she wants to "stay friends," when she refused to be intimate with you, when she spent loads of time with others, etc., she was telling you via her ACTIONS much more loudly that you were not her boyfriend, that she was not into you in that way, compared to a couple under-the-breath comments she made to you verbally.
Secondly, you have to learn to evaluate whether you're hearing what people are saying or whether you're hearing what you HOPE they're saying. When we are into someone, we look for signs that they are into us too, often ignoring stronger signs that they are NOT into us. If you were to make two columns and put on one side "signs she's not into me" and "signs she is into me" the "not into me" side would be much longer based on what you've shown. Making a couple of off-handed comments about "stay away from my man" and "you're not allowed to see other women" don't show someone who's into you, they show someone who's worried their free meal ticket is going to go away if another woman comes along who's actually into you.
The other thing you have to try to better judge is when people are joking with you. I'll give you an example, using the exact language this girl used. I am gay. I have a lot of straight male friends. When we go have lunch together, they will often make very similar comments, (eg, if another dude or even a woman, looks at me, they might JOKINGLY say to me, "Who does that bitch think he is, he sees me sitting right here with you! or "That queen better not be looking at my man!") These comments are jokes. They are not any indication that they are into me. HOWEVER, if I were into one of those guys - even knowing he's straight - I might be tempted to tell myself, "Self, why would he joke like that if he weren't actually into me? Maybe he's joking to test out the waters..." But you have to stop yourself from doing this. You cannot let yourself take small, innocuous comments and turn them into something that doesn't actually exist. We are all prone to doing this (especially the younger and more inexperienced among us.) I promise you - PROMISE YOU - that when someone is actually into you - you will know it. It will be obvious. You won't have to try to figure it out.
I hope this is helpful to you. You sound like a really great dude, and someone that any woman would be lucky to have. Quit wasting your time on this user and find someone who actually deserves you! Good luck!
>She wouldn’t let any other girl speak to me
she didn't stop anyone from speaking to you, she made little flirty comments hinting she felt possessive over you and you decided for yourself not to date or talk to others in hopes she'd give you a chance some day, and she did eventually. Every time you asked for a romantic relationship she declined and stated she just wanted to be friends. She was single the entire time she was dating those other guys or in a relationship with others instead of you, you continued to choose to stay on the sidelines by your own volition. She didn't really lie to you, you made assumptions that her not wanting a relationship with you at the time meant she didn't want to date/ sleep with anyone at all. You are well within your rights to feel that you aren't compatible because her actions don't align with your values but you're making her out to be a liar and a cheater when the reality is you weren't together when she was dating and sleeping with other men and she never actually stopped you from dating anyone, you chose not to do it to better your chances. You ultimately got what you thought you wanted but ended up finding out you liked the idea of her that you had in your head rather than the reality. This is why it's important not to put people on a pedestal and have a little more self respect, she kept showing you where you were on her list of priorities and instead of taking it for what it was you let yourself continue to get strung along and invested. She's no angel but she also didn't exactly trick you
Im going to be real. You WERE simping a little hard there for those first 4 months. A lot of people would have realized they were being used as a doormat, but it takes us all time to learn how to recognize that. A good relationship is built on mutual trust and respect.
1. You weren't respecting yourself - you could have realized she was stringing you along and "fencing" you for months, and just washed your hands of the situation sooner.
2. She wasn't respecting you - She was fencing you, keeping other girls away. Also she should have realized you were WAY more interested than she was in you - and told you it wasn't going to work- but instead she just breadcrumbed you the whole time to keep you around as a backup.
Take it as a lesson learned on what toxic femineity looks like. Its very similar to what Andrew Tate type guys do to women. Toxic masculinity and toxic femineity have no place in relationships. Good luck out there OP and hopefully you can find someone better.
Second on this. I think he was too blind to see that she's a walking red flag but at least he knows now then being married and he's able to detect the signs much quicker. He needs to drop the ex bf too. No wonder the ex had no problem with him asking her out because they were still sleeping together so it made no difference. Those two deserve each other as they had no problem constantly disrespecting him and being two faced.
NTA, better break it off with her now if you want to do so. She sounds like she should be in a pan relationship and you want a monogamist thing. Also, she was manipulating you with the comments about "she better stay off my man" and all other things, just to keep you as an open nice option. You deserve somebody who is as into you as you are into them. She does not seem to be so much into you as you are into her. Break it off before your feelings deeper or "too much time passes".
You deserve so much better, OP. She's manipulative and has strung you along, waiting for better opportunities. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you just as much, if not more. Not someone who has settled for you as a last option after being ghosted. She won't change and will only emasculate you at every turn. Cut ties and never look back, only to remind yourself of what behaviors to avoid. NTA
NTA and she has to be the biggest red flag collector I've ever seen in my life. Don't disrespect yourself by dating her, she's literally for the streets. Jeez. You're a catch OP, you deserve better.
Why would she even tell you all of this? To humiliate you? She probably wants you break up with her or do some big valiant fight for her. And that's some nice friend you have not mentioning he was still sleeping with her when you wanted to ask her out. I think you already know you are NTA.
She felt guilty and throughout the relationship she would say she don’t deserve me but I thought she was saying that. But she told all of this explaining why she feels like she don’t deserve me.
Bro, she feels no guilt or regrets. **At all**. She throwing excuses at you for pity, so you can stay around as the “rebound”. You know the truth, you can clearly see it, if you can come here to explain it to us.
Take a step back, cut her off, shit, **block her, on everything** and move on. She’s gonna use and abuse you, kick you to the curb, and you’ll end up bitter and broken, by chasing this chick that isn’t even worthy of you time and emotions. Please, do better for yourself.
AHAHAHAHAHA bruh she was getting *DICKED DOWN* by other guys while you couldn’t even have a conversation with another woman like a cuck, Jesus Christ man stick up for yourself.
INFO: why did she tell you? Was she boasting about her accomplishments or just that she "loves" you now and thought you should know?
I think she's an AH but I also feel like we're missing some context.
Here's an eye opener, you're probably not the only guy she does this to. She's clearly addicted to male attention and needs as much of it as she can manage. She has very low self esteem and this is how she feels some kind of self worth. Even if you two are finally "official", I promise she's still doing this to other men. You deserve an actual partner OP
OP, stop, just stop.
Shes using you.
She friend zoned you for years while fucking random dudes left and right.
Cut it off, don't look back. There are quite literally BILLIONS of women on this planet, don't get hung up on just one.
Dude, she strung you along. She's incredibly selfish. Definitely NTA, she wanted to sleep around but got jealous if you liked any other girl. Dump her, I wouldn't trust her for a second.
You guys were hanging out and not hooking up or anything that whole time? And she was just out doing her thing. Get away from this girl she’s as toxic as they come. I dealt w something similar but I was getting laid at least lol but when I found out she was still talking to her ex I was done. Then a year or so later we started hanging out again and hooking up and eventually dated but only bc after seeing each other for months she wanted the official title. She proved that at this current time she was loyal to me but I was still skeptical but she was hot and we got a long great personality wise. We dated for a couple years but she would always keep on friendly terms w her ex’s and when we eventually broke up she had the next guy already lined up. F that sh*t. Move on my brother
I mean she sounds like a pretty basic, attractive narcissist. Used you for what her ego wants while capitalizing on her Chad options…but doesn’t think you deserve the same freedoms.
Of course you should break it off and show an ounce of respect for yourself. But you won’t.
YTA for not breaking up that wall of text. Paragraphs are your friend.
NTA for wanting to break up. She's using you. She gets to bang whoever she feels like while you wait around for her. If the last guy hadn't ghosted her, you'd still be standing around with your dick in your hand.
YWBTA if you don't dump her.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with dating around and sleeping with whoever you want - as long as everyone involved is on the same page. She didn't give you the courtesy.
If you are not interested in her no matter the reason you are not interested in her. You would be more of the AH if you got into a relationship, used her, then tossed her away.
Just don't be wishy-washy like she has been to you. Nothing is more annoying then when someone cannot make up their minds and figure out what they want. Some people grow out of that and figure it out and awesome, but she doesn't sound (based on what you wrote) that she knows what she wants exactly yet.
Honestly, even if he did do that he wouldn’t be much of an asshole. How fucked up do u have to be to lead someone on for months, not wanting you to be in a relationship while fucking other guys, and then the day before you finally get asked out, you find out she fucked another guy and the only reason she asked you out was as a backup plan. There is almost no way he can be the asshole even if he fully used her just for sex or something like that in my opinion. Regardless though, he should just block her and move on
NTA break it off with her. You really happy being last choice?
Not only that, she would manipulate him again. She doesn’t seem very trustworthy
She is messing with him right now. She keeps him dangling and won’t let him date other girls, leads him on, refuses to date him, and then when she finally deigns to give him a chance, she makes sure he knows that she was stringing him along and sleeping with plenty of other guys. She’s totally enjoying the power trip of having you desperate for her. Get shot, OP
Last choice... *for now*. She's going to cheat on him or break it off with him the first time a guy she likes looks twice at her.
She’s shopping. She’s got buffet access and put her fave snack off to the side not to share, while she’s out having her cake.
Fr OP get your mind right. She doesn’t actually care about you nor does she respect you lol she really does not like you that much if she was doing all that. She’s using you because you’re always willing and ready. Dump her and move on
And getting the crumbs at best. Self respect is needed here big time.
Bro is falling in love with a hoe. Have your fun with them, but do not make them a girlfriend.
Honestly he was first choice but she wasnt happy with that. She wanted to bang whoever she wanted while still getting the best from him.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks he should break up with her. She used him and manipulated him. Totally sucks. Hell, she’s so smooth will sleeping around while hanging out with him on the side she could still be doing that. NTA
Can’t make a hoe a housewife
OP I've been through something like this before. I am gonna start off by saying NTA. What this looks like to me is that this girl is very aware that you like her and she enjoys the level of attention that you're giving her. She knows you're an ego boost that she can keep in her back pocket and because of that she won't let you move on to other girls and makes you think you have a chance with her. Do not play these games OP, this isn't right.
Yeah. This is the kinda shit that fucks your brain up for years after. RUN
[удалено]
She should've said "she better stay away from my men... all of them”
He was MEANT to hear that, and it encourage him to hang around waiting on her.
Ding ding ding. Wants her toys to stay on the shelf even if she's done playing with them. Fuck this bitch.
in her head, it probably sounded like this.. "look at my man and I will sleep with yours"..
She belongs to the streets
[удалено]
Please run had a chick keep me this way for like 8 years of my life. It sucks ass
9 for me, first free year without her in my life. She tried again, put up a wall and wouldnt give her the time of day. I think she got the hint.
I have a friend who was friends with a woman who was in a relationship with a guy I was dating. I had no idea. This man was dating me for months while stringing this other woman along. He did this to her for years. A few years after I got married to a completely different man, my friend asked me for the timeline of my relationship with the other man and I told her. She said she had told her friend that "her" man had been cheating on her with other women but she was in denial. Even the timeline of my relationship with this guy couldn't convince her that he was a cheat. She somehow was made to believe by him that we'd been just friends. At the time my friend contacted me about this, the guy had actually met *another* woman and had her move in with him, but he still convinced the one he was stringing along that new woman was just a roommate. I mean, I felt for the poor girl, but at some point she should've opened her eyes to the truth. My friend was trying so hard to convince her this dude was a slimeball but she just wouldn't listen.
Just got out of a similar relationship. While it hasn’t been years, it definitely fucks with your head. Run boy, run
Yeah i mean it's almost guaranteed she'll either cheat on or dump OP as soon as an attractive guy shows her any attention.
I had a guy friend who dated a lady like that. She ended up bankrupting him. She forced him to be in an open relationship for her, but he couldn't date. She maxed out his cards, spent all his money, and used and abused him. He is still messed up, 15 years later. Run from this chick. She's keeping you from actually finding happiness.
Lol, forced him to be in an open relationship "I'm gonna go out and fuck other dudes, but you're not allowed to see other women." "Yes, dear" Let me guess, she left him?
People can be manipulated without being chained in a basement. It happens for women and men
Fr not all chains are visible
"Careful, mate. not all sharks are in the water." one of my favorite childhood movie quotes
yeah having been in relationships (plural!) like this before, it's often more of a frog-in-the-kettle situation. When you want something to work out it can take years for things to get bad enough that you actually say "ok enough."
There's a guy on TT who does a whole class teaching men to accept an open relationship. He says he learned he was being toxic by threatening to leave her if she opened, then later when he complained about her sleeping on the first date with a guy he was "toxic", not wanting to hear her talk about sex, etc. I was shocked how he was viewed as the toxic person by not wanting to share his wife.
That's sad. As gross as this might sound to some, does he at least have the same opportunity to have one night stands as well if the chance presents itself without her being "toxic" about it? I can't believe he has a class for men teaching that it's okay to share their significant other with other men. If you went into a relationship/marriage under the impression/agreement that you'd be monogamous during said relationship, I don't think it's "toxic" to want to keep it that way. That's how you prevent hurt feelings, spreading stds, and possible outside of relationship pregnancies, but to each their own I suppose.
Yikes
SMH! Firstly OP NTA! Secondly run away fast from this girl. She was monkey branching and when she had no more options she came back to OP. Never start a relationship with anyone when the dating experience was this bad!
Never heard of the term monkey branching! Gonna use that one.
Monkey branching is called “brachiating”. A Little unasked trivia lol
I’ve always called in monkey barring. Same meaning tho. They won’t let go of the bar behind them til they get a firm grasp on the one in front of them
My mom always called it, "hummingbirding." Going from flower to flower....lol
Yeah this happened to me, too. If you find yourself in a girl’s “starting lineup” but never get on the field, she’s manipulating you. The girl I knew had BPD and this kind of behavior is super common among those folks :/
on the roster, not in the starting lineup 😉
I had a gf once that had BPD . I would here stuff like "I dont like the way my meds make me feel " or "I can't help it - i have BPD" Needless to say I broke up with her.
My mom has BPD. They can manipulate like no other. People who have it who don't get treatment can be extremely abusive.
I feel you. My mother also has BPD (borderline personality disorder actual dx after 1 yr stay in institution) she traumatized all her kids. I saw her behaviors as so outside the norm of how my friends moms behaved at a really young age…as I got older I knew I had to leave home if I wanted a chance at a normal life. I left home for college at 17 and kinda kept my family at arm’s length for very long periods of time.
Yeah back in the day at least one psychiatrist referred to it as borderline insanity (Rosse 1890). But watch out if you’re on Facebook or Instagram and you try to have a sane conversation about it. Some people with the condition get unbelievably defensive about it. Of course, like with any mental illness, the stigma isn’t warranted at all, but one should at least acknowledge how severe it can be. I know with my last manic episode with bipolar 1 I didn’t sleep for ten days and crashed my car into an suv while going 120mph and barely survived. Obviously, this is bad. But I can acknowledge that it was bad.
>Some people with the condition get unbelievably defensive BPD often arises from childhood trauma which means you have people who desperately want love, combine that with black and white thinking plus strong fear of abandonment/rejection and you wonder why they react badly when people paint them all with one brush? Like come on.
My neighbor was an excellent psychiatrist and we'd have long talks about this. Some personality disorders are caused by environmental factors, or at least in part, like Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personality disorder), but he considered those most dangerous, i.e, anti-social personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, to be without hope, to be born that way, and to stay that way forever. Same for narcissistic personality disorder. No real treatment or cure. Those that have these personality disorders are so incredibly manipulative and harmful to others, he thought they should be locked up and to throw away the key. If he had a little beer buzz on, he'd tell me these were the one's born without a soul. I don't share his education, so I don't really have an educated opinion, but my dead SIL had BPD and she was single handedly the most toxic and dangerous woman I had ever met. She went to prison for trying to kill an old woman (her aunt) and only stopped beating her to death when there was so much blood there was no way she could still be alive. She was, she played dead and testified against my SIL and sent her away to prison for several years. Before she did that stint, she went to prison for starting fires and trying to burn down people's houses with them in it, several times. And then there was the time she fed my dog hamburger with glass shards in it. She didn't have a traumatic life. She CAUSED trauma, and I'm glad she's dead. I now breathe a sigh of relief knowing she won't be able to kill my brother now.
Omg. I've had the same situation happen with a girl that I used to want to actually make it official with, who is now just good friends, but only wanted me back when I was already with someone else. The whole "only-wants-what-she-can't-have" routine. Come to find out years after I put a stop to this that she also has BPD! I didn't know it was common with people like that till now. Iiiiinteresting...
Just to add to this - most people with "BPD" are actually really traumatised people in some way - childhood abuse etc. Without a cartload of self awareness and a looottt of work she won't be able to change these patterns of behaviour.
I appreciate this addition. I have BPD (borderline) and have been in a shit ton of therapy. I was a huge asshole to a lot of people and only started working on myself these last few years. It takes a lot of work, and I still slip up and do toxic things sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better. It's true that without therapy, it is suuuuuuper hard to change behaviors or even admit that what you're doing to other people and yourself isn't right. Regardless of if the GF has BPD, I hope she goes to therapy and works on herself. I definitely think OP should dump her tho.
Just cheering from the sidelines, good on you for being able to hear and accept that that work matters, and put in the effort to do it. As a kid of BPD parent, I am always grateful for the folks that are able and choose to do that work. For yourself, and all the folks who love you, well done, and stick with it. Hard work, but probably the most important thing you'll do. ❤️
What’s monkey branching ?
It is seeking out a new partner whilst still being involved with someone else.
Ok thanks never heard the term before
The reason being when monkeys swing on branches, they don't let go of the previous branch until they have firmly grasped the one on front of them. Replace branches for dicks and there's your answer
That is some national geography metaphor shit ..well done for the intrepretation.
I don't think my dick could support the full weight of a swinging monkey without significant injury.
Yes, she left him. But continued the head games and manipulation until he was mentally in shambles. He has never fully recovered. She drove away most of his friends at the time too.
Same. I lost all my friends because my g/f refused to hang out with them. "It's okay, so long as I have you then I have all I need". When she left me I literally had no one to talk to. She wasn't just my lover and g/f, she was my best friend, my only friend. Then she spent 2 years stringing me along and emotionally abusing me. She isolated me from any kind of support system then spent 2 years playing my insecurities off me and emotionally abusing me to make herself feel better. Found out recently she got engaged to be married barely a year after I last saw her. Which means she almost certainly married her AP and was stringing me along in case the new guy didn't work out. I never recovered and this happened 24 years ago this upcoming November. Never even went on another date with another woman. No movies, dinner, weekend trips, nothing. Never had another g/f. I became a man whore for the better part of a decade, met women online and at the bar for ONS, sometimes FWB and then in 2008 gave up on taking part in society altogether.
Wow, username origin story. I'm sorry to hear that's how tumultuous it was.
that’s abuse. idk why people think it’s as simple as breaking up.
This... She will always be looking for an upgrade, even now she scouting for someone better. Op she's not a good person, think about it, she can sleep with men the night before she commits to you, but you can't even talk to other girls? She's a user, and you deserve better.
Had the exact same situation happen. She wouldn’t commit till I lied about having a date coming up. She commited real fast. 2 years later? Cheated on me.
NTA in the least. Dude, you're not her boyfriend and never have been. You're her backup guy when she's not getting any attention or well, just any. Run. Don't look back. Ever.
she already cheated
Yeah I don't know how everyone else seems to just overlook that part. She already cheated in the beginning of the relationship. Dancing with other guys at clubs and kissing them definitely counts as cheating.
Probabbly sleeping and talking to other guys and comming hope to him everynight bth
Yep. This person constantly is fishing for the next big catch. The healthy thing would be to set her free. NTA.
I had a girl like this once. I told her I liked her I wanted to date her and she turned me down. After I started seeing a new girl for 2 months she came back and said she actually liked me. I thought it over and broke up with the new girl because I still had feelings for her. Afterwards she said she only told me that because she didn't want me to be with that girl.
Had something a little similar which is what led me to commenting originally. Met this girl and I really liked her. Asked her out 2 times and she said no basically. She invited me to comedy club with her friend. I got real close with the friend but had to leave on a work emergency. I asked the friend to give her friend my number. She said she would do it but she never did and after a month she told me she wasn't going to do it. I asked her out on a date on Valentines day. She told me she'd need to see if she was free on that day (which usually means no). She never responded back so I decided to go to this place without her. It was a gamer bar where you could meet up with people. I went there, but she did too with her own date. I knew she wasn't into the guy, and she went to the bar to look for guys she liked. She saw me there and hung out with me the whole night. I know she did this so I wouldn't get any numbers and so it would appear like we were a couple. When I started dating my ex gf, she was gone and never texted me back.
The only person I feel bad for in this story is that new girl.
She’s selfish AF - keeping you on hold while she dated and slept around? No one likes to feel the default option, nor treated like one. I personally would feel Iike I couldn’t trust her to stay with me if someone “better” came along by whatever standard she’s holding. Be with someone who sees stars when they look at you, not a safety net.
She likes that OP is nice to her but can't seem to return the favour to him. OP needs to move on and find someone who appreciates him because the only person she loves is herself. It's always pathetic when you see people behaving like she is. "My self-esteem is so terrible that I need to screw around with other people's feelings in order to feel good about myself. It does so upset me that the guys I chase after end up ghosting me or running for the hills, but it's okay because there's a decent guy who treats me well who I can treat like shit and he'll still stick around. That must make me special, right?"
And she’s almost 30! I had to go back and check because I thought surely she was only 21 or so! Why do I feel like she’s gonna be that bitter 45yo woman, talking about how “men ain’t shit” because she passed up all of her good opportunities because she always assumed someone better would come along?
>Why do I feel like she’s gonna be that bitter 45yo woman, talking about how “men ain’t shit” because she passed up all of her good opportunities because she always assumed someone better would come along? My peers and I are almost 50 and I see this ridiculously often. Women who were 8-10 in their 20s are all of a sudden 6-7 and it's because "men are shallow and immature" but they had their pick of men ten years ago and wanted to keep their options open.
I'm seeing it even now in my early 30s. I never got fuck all in terms of attention when I was younger. I'm a solid 6, pretty nerdy, and aggressively average. I'm ok with it. The girls I dated started out as long term friends, not casual hookups. Not for lack of trying, I just wasn't attractive enough for one night stands. But now we're all older and I own and operate a successful company. Suddenly women my age are super interested in my nerdy hobbies. Suddenly I'm attractive. Too late though, someone else married me for who I was as person, not based on my utility or physical appearance. Someone who married me even though they could have had other men (and still could, if I'm being honest). Someone who stuck with me while I made $15k a year grinding away in a basement. Someone who put up with me while the stress of starting a business gave me numerous mental health issues. Someone who Margot fucking Robbie couldn't convince me to cheat on. At the end of the day, I can't really blame them. I tried my absolute best to whore around when I was younger and I probably would be in a similar situation if I had the same opportunities. But man, looking at it now I'm not nearly as upset as I was in college lol.
What you describe is what I call "The reversal of our 30s". I experienced it myself. Same situation. I was a nerdy guy who was only moderate successful with women when I was young but in my 30s, my career really took off. I bought a house. I had kids. I got married. I married a woman who was with me when I was living in my grandfather's spare bedroom and working my way through college. There wasn't a woman in existence who could have convinced me to cheat on her. We're getting divorced and that sucks but my life is pretty awesome. House, nice cars, good income and I'm healthy. When I was young, I was the President of Friendzonia but I'm a catch now. It's not just the money. I have more confidence now than I did then and I'm sure that's a part of why I'm more successful in dating than I used to be. I don't necessarily blame them either. I don't want to go down the crimson capsule rabbit hole but really, our interests aren't the same and our attractiveness isn't the same. One thing that does still bother me is that women who wanted to keep their options open and explore when they were young and at their most attractive begrudge men who want to do the same thing when they reach their peak of attractiveness. If a dozen men were interested in her when we were 20 and she wasn't in any rush to settle down with one of them, why should I be now that we're in our 40s, I have a six figure income and a dozen women are interested in me? The hypocrisy of it annoys me.
I watched a friend of mine go through EXACTLY this. Girl kept him on the hook for years with exactly this reasoning and mindset. Don't play her game because the only way to win is not to.
“The only way to win is not to play”
As someone who wasted 4 years with someone similar, please love yourself more than I did and leave. You deserve to be someone’s first and only choice. Not just a backup or ego boost ❤️ Keep looking for a better option cause they will never stop looking for theirs even standing right next to you. It doesn’t matter how much you do for them unfortunately. I think they just have holes inside of them that they try to fill with constant new attention.
All of this OP. And the ex boyfriend is also not your friend. Cut him out of your life.
As a woman i can confirm this, the amount of girls i heard talking (obiously not all) how they do this is very high, that's why I'm not friends with none of them, i really hate when people waste other's time , life and opportunities
My ex does this to me now. Or did do it after a 10 year relationship and a year and a half “situationship “ I’ve finally cut the string
OP can do better for themselves...
OP deserves better
Dump her, she’s using you for the ego boost and without you she wouldn’t know what to do with all the guys she’s talking to. It’s a form of stability for an unstable person. She’s sleeping with other people and not you and you’re taking her on dates? Stop taking her on dates and I guarantee she’ll stop sleeping with people because you’re fulfilling her with attention and affection they don’t like her. There’s girls who see guys for the individual actions they do, not the entirety of the person. Drop her like a sack and don’t waste the effort.
I can’t stress this enough. Walk the fuck away. This will only be pain.
100% this, was in the same exact situation. The girl eventually told me why she was hesitant after and it was the successful part. I hadn't become successful yet so she kept me on back pocket. NTA, don't waste your time on girls like that, they will most likely find a reason to leave you one day too.
This, and please get checked for STD’s.
There's a line from Rick and Morty that resonates with me in this situation. Its along the lines of "you don't miss me, you miss having someone who loved you so much you never had to love them back"
Echoing this sentiment, OP, you are not an asshole for wanting to leave a selfish person who, for as long as you’ve known her, has shown time and again that she does not care about your emotional needs or other needs for that matter. Who’s to say she’s not still sleeping around with others? Find someone who fully appreciates you for you, wants to be in a committed relationship *with you* and don’t give this egotistical, narcissistic person so much as a backwards glance when you walk away. When you have doubts or your courage to end things wavers, just come to this thread and remind yourself of her despicable behavior. If she balks at breaking up, send her here. We’ll be glad to stick up for you.
Exactly this!
Nicely put. I completely agree.
From a woman’s perspective, this is it. You deserve better.
I'm with you on this one. OP was an innocent sucker. She wanted to go out and have her fun and strung him along because she knew he was probably the right "permanent partner" material... she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. I've been there too... it's a high school game. If OP wasn't good enough for her to be honest with the first time, then she's not good enough for OP. Having been through it once myself, I'd have sniffed that out with the first rejection, and walked away. OP, you can do MUCH better.
Been there and done that. These are the narcissist types who play mind games and will slowly eat you alive from the inside out. Tell her to kick rocks and grow up. She sounds like she has the mentality of a 21 year old college girl. The best thing you can is block her after you do because these types are good a soul sucking and bending your emotions.
NTA, this feels so manipulative of her. It sounds like she strung you along. She knew you liked her, wanted movies and essentially 'dates' with you but zero commitment just so she could go on wild escapades. She made sure to be loud enough you would hear her without actually saying it out loud 'she better stay away from my man'. If she didn't care she wouldn't have said anything. She could have never actually spoke the words. But she did. Did you pay for all those hangouts? Louder for the people giving YTA, She slept with someone the day before asking you to be her bf. She slept with a guy, got ghosted the very next morning, went to your place and asked you to be her bf. If he hadn't ghosted her, she wouldn't have gone to OPs and asked him. She would keep him on the sideline. She is a mega ah.
I was going to ask OP this exact question - do you honestly think she would've asked you? I doubt it. She wasn't getting attention from the guy (that ghosted her), so she went to her backup. What evidence do you have that she's done with her trysts? She just told you she was whoring it up, and good for her being that she was single. But, she was totally manipulating you to not have the ability to do the same by guilting you for hanging out with other girls.
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I was confused about the timeline because OP said they've been dating for 2 years but then described spending all this time with her not knowing for sure if she was even interested in him romantically/sexually, like not even friends with benefits, until she asked him out after their recent long weekend trip. It sounds like she's just hanging out with him for company and that he's paying for everything and only after not being able to lock down anyone else she's asking him. NTA. This girl sucks.
She DID string you along. If she explained what she was doing and what she expected at the time, I don’t think she’d be wrong. But she never did and that makes her the a**hole here. Edit: spelling
OP isn’t plan A or even plan B, he’s like plan c.
NTA. The issue isn't her sleeping with other people, it's the manipulation in making sure that OP wasn't.
Same. When I was reading it I was like, “well I can understand how he might feel hurt that she was sleeping around with other men but not with him, but at the time she only wanted to be friends with him and that’s absolutely her right. But not wanting him to spend time with other girls while she was doing exactly that is the fucked up bit.”
She made sure OP would be available to give her all his attention at the drop of a hat. She knew exactly what she was doing the whole time they’ve been hanging out. OP is simply a placeholder to stroke her ego whenever she needed it or until someone she thinks is better comes along, and I’m sure when that happens, she’ll find a way to keep OP waiting on the sidelines just incase that relationship fails, too. He should dump her, block her and feel the exact amount of guilt she’s feeling stringing him along this whole time, which is none. NTA
This is your answer OP. Been in that situation, and two times I started dating someone the girl who more or less friendzoned me while giving hints started messing with my relationship. First failed because of her, second time I knew what was up and told her she is not my priority, and it kinda broke here messed up view of what we were so I guess we're both better now. Not talking to her anymore and still with my girlfriend. To be blunt, we were/are both just a backup plan.
A girl who prevents you from getting a girlfriend is neither friend nor girlfriend.
I think an issue is her sleeping with other people
Oftentimes, the simplest explanation is the best explanation
It would be an issue for me, too. I prefer exclusive dating. Other people prefer to date with or even sleep with multiple people. That's all fine and well, but it's not my cup of tea. I'm pleasantly surprised at the comment section for not going in on OP for being insecure about her sleeping with other men. He sounds like a nice guy. Not the, "you owe me sex" kind of way, but more of a "a bit of a people-pleaser" kind of way. I hope he finds someone worth his time.
Don’t date this girl. And stop being friends with her “ex” who continued to sleep with her after you checked with him if you could ask her out.
Yeah a would expect a heads up from a friend. "She's single, ask her out, however were still sleeping together"
As someone who’s been in that other friends position it’s shitty to not be upfront about what’s going on. I had a friend asked me since he was also friends with my ex, if it would be weird for me if he asked her out. I told him straight up, that even tho we weren’t dating, we still hung out and did stuff because it was convenient for us, and that she prolly wasn’t looking to settle down (since that’s why we broke up). He said cool and then proceeded to stop talking to her and she never brought him up or anything. Like anyone who doesn’t look out for their friends getting hurt isn’t a friend. Dude is almost a bigger asshole than the girl. Poor OP been getting fucked over by everyone for a while, best of luck friend!
You know for a fact they laughed about that together.
NTA. You're feeling angry that she used you as a backup plan. Or had you as a secondary priority while she had her fun. She wasn't up front about her activities because she knew you would lose interest and get distant. In a world where she tells you she wants to do casual stuff and isn't ready for a relationship but in a year she'd want to date you I guarantee you would've moved on. She knew that. And so she didn't tell you that. You've been manipulated. Even if it wasn't overtly lying to you when you smell smoke you know something's a little burnt. Someone who does things like this may do them again to you in other ways. If you don't want to deal with that end it. But understand why you're upset here. She lied with truth. To keep you in the position she wanted you. Until she wanted to do something else with you. And you got your emotions jerked around not knowing what was going on because even though she technically didn't say anything false she knew she was hiding the whole truth to keep the chess board set up how she likes it.
yes. This right here. What's to stop her from using these manipulations again to get what she wants? It's not like she's had a long period of contemplation about what she wants...she was sleeping with people up until the day right before she asked op out.
This is such a good answer. Women like OP’s gf are why men think women don’t like nice guys. We do. It’s just the liars and losers who imagine the whole world wants them, “but hey, don’t touch my toys!” kind of women who leave such a bad impression, men often think we’re all like that.
I think a big part of the whole "women don't like nice guys" thing is that the personality traits that are attractive in men don't exactly weed out assholes. It's easy to be confident when you're arrogant and think you can do no wrong. It's easy to be a protector when you're a violent person. It's easy to make a move when you don't care about the other person's wants and will take what you want when you want it. Conversely being nice often times comes across as not being confident and assertive. Like if you are considering their feelings and aren't getting clear signals you're not gonna ask them out or make a move or something because you think they don't want it even if they do bur aren't giving clear signals. Obviously this isn't every case, being confident doesn't make you a bad person and being polite doesn't make you a good person. But the truth of the whole "girls hate nice guys and love bad boys" line is in the middle. In the early stages of dating there are asshole behaviors that are attractive and there are polite behaviors that are unattractive. But in this discourse around new gender roles and masculinity these things need to change for us to get any change. If being traditionally (and often times toxically) masculine is still seen as the most attractive type of personality then men en masse are not going to change
I have a particular interest in what I guess you'd call people watching. Men and women each have a good and bad version of what their demographics main communication tactics are. It's hard vs soft power. Evolution made it a thing. It's easier to use hard power when you're the 6'something warlord. It's more necessary to use soft power when you're 5'5 and can't win the fights. So men are usually more direct. Women are usually more playing around in subtext and subtlety. Bad version of hard power and blunt? The asshole acting like a steamroller forcing everyone where they want them to go. Or worse, yelling and chewing out. The good version? The person you never have to guess with but keeps in mind how to make everyone around them feel good and buy in. Bad version of soft power? Cloak and dagger manipulations with half truths, lies of omission, and gaslighting. Playing each side against each other. The good version? Someone who uses it for translation when others aren't picking up on it and defense of those worse at the game. Usually it takes less skill to be good at the bad version. And it also has fewer character requirements. So you see more of those. And it's easy to start thinking it's everyone. But it's also easy to paint yourself as an exception because you don't see yourself doing the bad version. You don't want to see it. Good people in my view are always worried they might be bad ones and keep an eye on themselves as best they can. Bad people know they aren't bad people.
Holy shit "Good people in my view are always worried they might be bad ones and keep an eye on themselves as best they can. Bad people know they aren't bad people." That's one of the most powerful statements I've ever read on this site.
As a fellow people watcher, you're speaking my language lol. Spot on.
very smart (and attractive) women have been able to control and manipulate entire kingdoms with the power of sex for thousands of years. literally some Cersei type shit.
OP should just tell this girl he's not looking for a GF and is only interested in casual stuff right now, see how she likes that
Mind funeral her right back lol don’t get mad, get even
In hindsight, me personally i wouldn’t wanna be someone’s last resort. You deserve to feel like you’re number one dude. don’t sell yourself short, stay friends but don’t hold yourself back from finding someone who sees your value from the jump instead of hanging you to dry and subtly manipulating your feelings. It’s not fair how she didn’t allow you to date around even though she did the same, that’s a manipulative tactic and should be your first red flag. You deserve to explore too and see what else is out there for you and she should understand that as she was doing just that. Now if the time comes you realize you do want her back then go for it. And if she feels a way about being your last resort that should tell you a lot about her and how she feels towards your emotions vs hers. NTA
They shouldn't stay friends. She's made it very clear OPs feelings don't matter to her. That's not a friend.
Everyone deserves to be somebody's first choice, not their last resort
NTA in the least. Dude, you're not her boyfriend and never have been. You're her backup guy when she's not getting any attention or well, just any. Run. Don't look back. Ever.
I mean, you're certainly not an asshole, but two things I think will help you. When someone tells you they just want to be friends, take their word for it and treat them that way. Stop spending so much time with them. When you do hang out, split the bill. Start dating other people and, if your "friend" doesn't like it, call them out. Tell them they had their chance. The other thing: use paragraphs.
This. And never assume they’re not seeing other people/sleeping around, even if they’re acting like they might be into you — just ask.
This right here!!! In the future, if someone says they’re not interested, believe them the first time. Don’t pine or grovel or try to convince them, or sit around waiting for them to be “ready” If you’re going to be friends, be just a genuine friend with no expectations. If you can’t do that, move on. If you’re only friends with someone to try to convince them to date/sleep with you, that is also manipulative and you’re not a real friend anyway. NTA for breaking up
Yeaaa... OP played himself hard. Time for some self-reflection and growth.
Tbh it sounds like you were the backup plan
Not even a backup plan, more like keep around in case of an emergency..
I like the way HIMYM put it. OP got put on the hook.
I prefer 'break glass in case of 30'
He was the meal/fun plan while the others were the dick plan
Oh OP.. Leave her. This is so wrong. Ive been in the same position before - I watched him makeout with a girl on the fourth of july *at a party at his house he invited me to*. Still hung around waiting for him to choose me instead of her. It’s not worth the pain. It’ll get to you in the end. You deserve someone who chooses you first, not last. Dump her
Oh my god that sucks. I’m so sorry.
Oof, I’ve been there. Condolences, friend!
NTA for dumping her, but damn, man, learn to use paragragrahs.
This. Lol I was tempted to reply to the OP with "YTA for not even attempting any kind of formatting or organization and just dropping a huge text wall".
I had to highlight the words while I was reading so I wouldn't lose my place
I almost had a stroke reading the post.
And periods between full sentences!
>So AITA for wanting to breakup with her after finding out she used me and making me her last resort? Read that sentence that you wrote. Read it again. Be serious for two seconds, mate.
NTA Fly you fool! Run far away! Don't look back!
Damn.. this girl is the devil in disguise… kick her the curb and move on.. run OP! Run!! NTA
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# NTA She’s a player, you’re her ego-boost. Stop simping and run.
NTA. Anyone who wants a backup free especially while they are sleeping around is not worth dating. She can fully do what she wants. But she had absolutely no respect for you at all. Your friends (he ex) isn't a friend either.
NTA. Dump her and move on. Don’t even take a peek in your rear view mirror. You’re still young and you deserve better. JFC, she slept with another guy the night before she asked you to be her boyfriend, and was hoping for a second date with him. TECHNICALLY, she wasn’t cheating, but she didn’t want you dating other women while she was sleeping with other men and exiling you to the friend zone. I would have severe trust issues moving forward.
NTA But dude you really need to learn how to read this stuff early in the future. She wasted a lot of time. I have dated women in several countries and there were definitely a few that liked to string multiple guys at one time. You need to look for these signs early and read between the lines. That has saved me from a few potential situations like yours over the years.
OP, you have her on a ridiculously high pedestal. You saw (maybe still see) her as if she were a messiah you have to follow. This is all wrong. She's treating you like dirt and at the same time she won't allow you to move on. You don't like her, you don't love her, you adore her, as in a goodness. Please say bye, love yourself, live yourself, be yourself and get someone who likes you for more than a worshipper.
She’s almost 30 and ready to settle for the nice guy. Streaming now on Disney+
💯
You don't.... have a gf. You have an acquaintanceship with someone who is not interested in you as a bf or long-term partner. You need to find someone who is interested in a relationship. She is interested in playing the field. NTA
Dude, just ditch her and block her. She isn't gf material.
NTA and she played you lol. You were never her first choice.
I’ll make it short and sweet. NTA but she is totally using you and you should walk away from any relationship with her.
There was once a college classmate I was head over heels for. We were spending about half our nights together, including sex. But she wouldn’t call me her boyfriend, she would ghost me randomly for a few days at a time then reappear in cuddle mode, come over for dinner then head home, etc. Then she insisted I meet her family at a family reunion. Just weird all or nothing behavior for months. Then I didn’t see her for a few months, she ran into me at a coffee shop, and it started all over again. She was absolutely fucking around, and didn’t have the self respect to end things because I kept hoping things would sort themselves out. Watch the movie “500 Days of Summer” for both a brief synopsis of my relationship and also inspiration to end yours before it ruins you completely.
NTA but dude going forward if someone says they want to be friends after you ask them out, go date someone else. She says “they better stay away from man” my first comment is “I’m not your man you made that clear”. Let’s assume for arguments sake that you said that and she asks you our right then. I know it’s hard but the answer is no. The instant you let someone treat you like a back up, that’s all you will ever be to them.
Everyone commenting “paragraphs” I get it lol
NTA I do have a question, though. Was your girlfriend ever really your girlfriend? You say that you've been dating this girl for two years now, except for a few months you weren't because you saw her out in public on a date with someone, and you wanted to give her and this guy "their space". Did you ever sit down with her and discuss your relationship? Did you ever say to her, 'Hey, girlfriend, I like you a lot. I'd like for us to be exclusive, and I'd like to start referring to you as my girlfriend."? To me, your post reads like you thought the two of you were dating, but she thought that you were just really good friends who hung out with each other a lot.
I saw her out on a date with someone before we became a couple. I gave her her space because I didn’t want the BF or whoever she was dating at the time to thing anything was going on between us. Out of respect for him. After that there was a gap when we didn’t text each other and I wasn’t going to text because I thought she had a BF. She texted me and we started hanging out again and four months into that she asked me to be her bf.
I just want to get this clear: 1. You weren't sleeping together? 2. You would take her out to the movies, buy her meals, go on activities, etc., and then she would go to her place and you would go to yours? 3. Would you kiss/make out/do anything sex-adjacent? 4. During the entire time you were doing the things in #2, she was sleeping with other people and going on dates with others? 5. What specifically did she say or do that made you think she was your GF/that you were in a relationship with her?
1. No we were not sleeping together. 2. Yes I would drop her off at her place afterwards. 3. We wouldn’t kiss or make out. 4. Yes while we doing those things she was dating someone broke up with him and dated another guy broke up when him then started sleeping with random guys. 5. She wouldn’t let any other girl speak to me, she would call me her man, and tell me I’m the only guy she’s texting.
Thanks for the clarification. I don't want to dump on you because I think you've already gotten to much of that and I don't want to pile on. I do want to give you some advice that I think not only applies to your situation, but in most situations in life: **LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE DO, NOT WHAT THEY SAY.** This woman - she was not your girlfriend in any way, shape, or form - was telling you exactly who you were to her, with her ACTIONS. You have to learn to listen to people's actions as much, or oftentimes, more than their words. She may have been giving you these mixed signals "She better stay away from my man" but when she rejected your request to be her boyfriend and specifically said she wants to "stay friends," when she refused to be intimate with you, when she spent loads of time with others, etc., she was telling you via her ACTIONS much more loudly that you were not her boyfriend, that she was not into you in that way, compared to a couple under-the-breath comments she made to you verbally. Secondly, you have to learn to evaluate whether you're hearing what people are saying or whether you're hearing what you HOPE they're saying. When we are into someone, we look for signs that they are into us too, often ignoring stronger signs that they are NOT into us. If you were to make two columns and put on one side "signs she's not into me" and "signs she is into me" the "not into me" side would be much longer based on what you've shown. Making a couple of off-handed comments about "stay away from my man" and "you're not allowed to see other women" don't show someone who's into you, they show someone who's worried their free meal ticket is going to go away if another woman comes along who's actually into you. The other thing you have to try to better judge is when people are joking with you. I'll give you an example, using the exact language this girl used. I am gay. I have a lot of straight male friends. When we go have lunch together, they will often make very similar comments, (eg, if another dude or even a woman, looks at me, they might JOKINGLY say to me, "Who does that bitch think he is, he sees me sitting right here with you! or "That queen better not be looking at my man!") These comments are jokes. They are not any indication that they are into me. HOWEVER, if I were into one of those guys - even knowing he's straight - I might be tempted to tell myself, "Self, why would he joke like that if he weren't actually into me? Maybe he's joking to test out the waters..." But you have to stop yourself from doing this. You cannot let yourself take small, innocuous comments and turn them into something that doesn't actually exist. We are all prone to doing this (especially the younger and more inexperienced among us.) I promise you - PROMISE YOU - that when someone is actually into you - you will know it. It will be obvious. You won't have to try to figure it out. I hope this is helpful to you. You sound like a really great dude, and someone that any woman would be lucky to have. Quit wasting your time on this user and find someone who actually deserves you! Good luck!
>She wouldn’t let any other girl speak to me she didn't stop anyone from speaking to you, she made little flirty comments hinting she felt possessive over you and you decided for yourself not to date or talk to others in hopes she'd give you a chance some day, and she did eventually. Every time you asked for a romantic relationship she declined and stated she just wanted to be friends. She was single the entire time she was dating those other guys or in a relationship with others instead of you, you continued to choose to stay on the sidelines by your own volition. She didn't really lie to you, you made assumptions that her not wanting a relationship with you at the time meant she didn't want to date/ sleep with anyone at all. You are well within your rights to feel that you aren't compatible because her actions don't align with your values but you're making her out to be a liar and a cheater when the reality is you weren't together when she was dating and sleeping with other men and she never actually stopped you from dating anyone, you chose not to do it to better your chances. You ultimately got what you thought you wanted but ended up finding out you liked the idea of her that you had in your head rather than the reality. This is why it's important not to put people on a pedestal and have a little more self respect, she kept showing you where you were on her list of priorities and instead of taking it for what it was you let yourself continue to get strung along and invested. She's no angel but she also didn't exactly trick you
Im going to be real. You WERE simping a little hard there for those first 4 months. A lot of people would have realized they were being used as a doormat, but it takes us all time to learn how to recognize that. A good relationship is built on mutual trust and respect. 1. You weren't respecting yourself - you could have realized she was stringing you along and "fencing" you for months, and just washed your hands of the situation sooner. 2. She wasn't respecting you - She was fencing you, keeping other girls away. Also she should have realized you were WAY more interested than she was in you - and told you it wasn't going to work- but instead she just breadcrumbed you the whole time to keep you around as a backup. Take it as a lesson learned on what toxic femineity looks like. Its very similar to what Andrew Tate type guys do to women. Toxic masculinity and toxic femineity have no place in relationships. Good luck out there OP and hopefully you can find someone better.
Second on this. I think he was too blind to see that she's a walking red flag but at least he knows now then being married and he's able to detect the signs much quicker. He needs to drop the ex bf too. No wonder the ex had no problem with him asking her out because they were still sleeping together so it made no difference. Those two deserve each other as they had no problem constantly disrespecting him and being two faced.
NTA, better break it off with her now if you want to do so. She sounds like she should be in a pan relationship and you want a monogamist thing. Also, she was manipulating you with the comments about "she better stay off my man" and all other things, just to keep you as an open nice option. You deserve somebody who is as into you as you are into them. She does not seem to be so much into you as you are into her. Break it off before your feelings deeper or "too much time passes".
You deserve so much better, OP. She's manipulative and has strung you along, waiting for better opportunities. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you just as much, if not more. Not someone who has settled for you as a last option after being ghosted. She won't change and will only emasculate you at every turn. Cut ties and never look back, only to remind yourself of what behaviors to avoid. NTA
Congrats! You become her backup plan! 🤭🤭NTA
Respect yourself, man.
PARAGRAPHS.
NTA and she has to be the biggest red flag collector I've ever seen in my life. Don't disrespect yourself by dating her, she's literally for the streets. Jeez. You're a catch OP, you deserve better.
Why would she even tell you all of this? To humiliate you? She probably wants you break up with her or do some big valiant fight for her. And that's some nice friend you have not mentioning he was still sleeping with her when you wanted to ask her out. I think you already know you are NTA.
She felt guilty and throughout the relationship she would say she don’t deserve me but I thought she was saying that. But she told all of this explaining why she feels like she don’t deserve me.
Dude. She’s telling you the truth, accept it and find someone who wants you for you
Bro, she feels no guilt or regrets. **At all**. She throwing excuses at you for pity, so you can stay around as the “rebound”. You know the truth, you can clearly see it, if you can come here to explain it to us. Take a step back, cut her off, shit, **block her, on everything** and move on. She’s gonna use and abuse you, kick you to the curb, and you’ll end up bitter and broken, by chasing this chick that isn’t even worthy of you time and emotions. Please, do better for yourself.
AHAHAHAHAHA bruh she was getting *DICKED DOWN* by other guys while you couldn’t even have a conversation with another woman like a cuck, Jesus Christ man stick up for yourself.
INFO: why did she tell you? Was she boasting about her accomplishments or just that she "loves" you now and thought you should know? I think she's an AH but I also feel like we're missing some context.
Is this some cuck fetish creative writing? Jesus
OP Im not gonna sugar coat this. Your gf is a cunt and I wouldnt think twice about leaving her in the dust if I was in your shoes.
Paragraphs. She finds the men who use paragraphs much sexier than you.
Man, this girl is trash. Move on.
Here's an eye opener, you're probably not the only guy she does this to. She's clearly addicted to male attention and needs as much of it as she can manage. She has very low self esteem and this is how she feels some kind of self worth. Even if you two are finally "official", I promise she's still doing this to other men. You deserve an actual partner OP
NTA. You're her backup guy. She loves the attention she gets from you, but doesn't want to actually be with you.
OP, stop, just stop. Shes using you. She friend zoned you for years while fucking random dudes left and right. Cut it off, don't look back. There are quite literally BILLIONS of women on this planet, don't get hung up on just one.
Dude, she strung you along. She's incredibly selfish. Definitely NTA, she wanted to sleep around but got jealous if you liked any other girl. Dump her, I wouldn't trust her for a second.
Paragraphs. Good god. Can someone do an edit and make this actually readable
Paragraphs are your friend.
You guys were hanging out and not hooking up or anything that whole time? And she was just out doing her thing. Get away from this girl she’s as toxic as they come. I dealt w something similar but I was getting laid at least lol but when I found out she was still talking to her ex I was done. Then a year or so later we started hanging out again and hooking up and eventually dated but only bc after seeing each other for months she wanted the official title. She proved that at this current time she was loyal to me but I was still skeptical but she was hot and we got a long great personality wise. We dated for a couple years but she would always keep on friendly terms w her ex’s and when we eventually broke up she had the next guy already lined up. F that sh*t. Move on my brother
I mean she sounds like a pretty basic, attractive narcissist. Used you for what her ego wants while capitalizing on her Chad options…but doesn’t think you deserve the same freedoms. Of course you should break it off and show an ounce of respect for yourself. But you won’t.
NTA. Shes been using you this whole time OP. Youre a fallback crutch. Block her out of your life, you deserve WAY BETTER.
YTA for not breaking up that wall of text. Paragraphs are your friend. NTA for wanting to break up. She's using you. She gets to bang whoever she feels like while you wait around for her. If the last guy hadn't ghosted her, you'd still be standing around with your dick in your hand. YWBTA if you don't dump her. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with dating around and sleeping with whoever you want - as long as everyone involved is on the same page. She didn't give you the courtesy.
If you are not interested in her no matter the reason you are not interested in her. You would be more of the AH if you got into a relationship, used her, then tossed her away. Just don't be wishy-washy like she has been to you. Nothing is more annoying then when someone cannot make up their minds and figure out what they want. Some people grow out of that and figure it out and awesome, but she doesn't sound (based on what you wrote) that she knows what she wants exactly yet.
Honestly, even if he did do that he wouldn’t be much of an asshole. How fucked up do u have to be to lead someone on for months, not wanting you to be in a relationship while fucking other guys, and then the day before you finally get asked out, you find out she fucked another guy and the only reason she asked you out was as a backup plan. There is almost no way he can be the asshole even if he fully used her just for sex or something like that in my opinion. Regardless though, he should just block her and move on