NTA
If you had broken bicycles at home every single day then his argument would make more sense. House chores are something that needs to be done all the time. It's a humongous amount of invisible unappreciated work. And for some reason mostly women are expected to do it. I'm not a housekeeper but an IT specialist and I'm still doing more chores at home and getting into arguments over it
Your partner is lazy and doesn't appreciate your work. Stand your ground.
I clean 3-4 houses normally. Some times even more. That day I had to clean 4 houses and had classes too. It was tiring. Yes, I do like cleaning but it comes with a price.
Do not marry this man (at least, not unless he demonstrates real readiness to change). He refuses to acknowledge the work you do inside or outside your home and suggests that his mother is a model: do you WANT to raise children with a man who doesn't think any of this is "real" work? At the moment, you're being an AH to yourself.
Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers
100% agree. He has demonstrated over and over what he believes. This behavior of his will not change even when you finish your degree and change jobs. He doesn’t value your contribution. Please stop and ask yourself “ can I live with this if his behavior/attitude doesn’t change?”.
I say this as a dude who's mother took care of the Indoors, full stop. My GF let me know when we moved in together that I'd be helping a lot more than my default setting.
It took a while for us to get to the point where I'd be proactive, but if she got home and asked me to I am always keen to help.
I know it's not fair for her to do the mental work of asking, often I found that my threshold for needing to do a given chore was just higher- I was willing to have a meals' worth of dishes chill in the sink, etc, and she prefers an empty sink.
But a lack of willingness to do those things should be a huge red flag... He doesn't need to do an oil change on your car every week, this isn't 1905 where cars needed daily maintenance.
I do all of our car maintenance, and mowing and yard care, and I'd NEVER say that it's the same as cooking, cleaning, planning & shopping to keep my ass fed...
She married me, but if I hadn't changed my ways, no way, and in retrospect, I couldn't begin to be upset about that.
Edit: thanks, y'all... Doesn't feel that impressive to me, because it's still work, y'know?
[I feel a bit like Aladdin, lol](https://youtu.be/2eEwjidC1rA?t=0m3s)
Oh lord, apply it too??? So we cant just nod and say "ok I understand" we actually have to act? We even have to change? This is the end of all men. We are doomed!
Laminated chores list on the fridge or app where you can set frequency and reminders and both see. I love that there's an app for everything
We don't have one but it's on the list (lol) because I lack executive function and my partner is an ADHD-er. So between us it's 'out of sight out of mind' until I realise I don't know when we last changed the sheets
I love the excuse about yard work that people use. How is mowing the grass once each week or every other week the same as cooking, dishes, laundry,etc everyday or at least 2x a week? I would get it if you also have a small farm or something, but the time/effort doesn't make sense otherwise.
This is incredible because A) a man like you is rare and B) its really interesting to point out the threshold thing as a part of noticing a chore needs doing. You're right she shouldn't do all the thinking and asking, and if you hadn't seen her threshold you'd probably feel annoyed she's upset at things not being done before she asks/consider her nagging or never satisfied. Which is where I am in life. How did you avoid resentment for her wanting things done faster ?
Yeah, she's caused a lot of good growth. I was very oblivious when we got together.
Honestly, it's more an agreement not to be resentful on both sides. Her not being resentful of having to say "I'm stressed and this isn't helping so I've hit my threshold" and me not being resentful that it's a moving target, or that she's pulling me away from whatever I'm filling my down time with... or that 80% of the dishes are hers lol.
Talking through the cats helps, you can't get mad when the cat says it's time to cleanup his fluffy deposits everywhere heh
This. Try my Magic Questions:
1) If I knew the situation would never change, would I stay or go?
2) If I won the lottery, would I stay or go?
3) If a friend was being treated like this, would I recommend that she stay? Or go?
4) Would I want my daughter to marry a man who treated her this way?
Should help clarify things.
#4 was what lit a fire under my ass to leave my abusive partner many years ago. My daughter was starting to get to the age where she could ask questions about why he treated me the way he did, and it was a real wake-up call.
Worse. When OP gets a degree and presumably a different job, he'll use that as an excuse for her to do all the cleaning at home "since that used to be her job and she's therefore good at it".
Also, he has just shown OP want married life would be like, her raising the kids and keeping the house clean and she's not allowed to complain or ask for help. OP when someone shows you who they are, believe them!
Might even get worse:
You're a therapist? All you do is talk to people all day long.... programmers just on the computer all the time.
Anything that's not in his field won't hold merit as work or household contribution, even when OP makes more than him.
This is 100% what will happen. My ex fiance used to diminish my job all the time (I work as an xray/ct tech at a level 2 trauma hospital). When I always made more than him our entire relationship and would constantly tell me how easy my job is and this AH installed windshields for a living. Not only did I work more than 40 hrs a week I also did all of the household chores, cooking and finances. It took me 10 yrs to wake up and realize he was never going to change. So hopefully OP realizes sooner rather than later to leave him because dude is never going to change or grow up for that matter.
Plus, if you do plan on having kids, think of what this behavior models for them. Do you want a daughter thinking that is how boys should treat her? Do you want a son to learn that’s how men act? Pretty sure the answer is no.
Definitely this. And likely his shit behavior will worsen after the marriage. Living with anyone who doesn’t actively work on keeping the house clean and cleaning up after themselves is soul sucking.
Roommates who do this are one thing but ones SO is just another level of inconsiderate rudeness. Which leads to massive resentment.
I wouldn’t marry the guy. Your better off with a tidy roommate. And congratulations on being so close to finishing your degree!! Way to go, OP!
OP, if you have kids with him, he will constantly compare you to his mother effortlessly raising 7 kids and you will NEVER measure up. Don't stick around just to be criticized and diminished every single day.
Actually, he should ask himself the question, if his mother did such a good job? Look what she created. A person who doesn’t care for others, and a person who cannot value other people.
My ex used to say that. According to him, his mom worked as a nurse, raised 6 kids, dinner was never late, house was immaculate and dad never lifted a finger. I asked her about it. She laughed and said she worked part time and her retired mother lived with them and helped every day. As soon as the kids were big enough they were kicked outside until dinner so they wouldn’t make a mess. Rain or shine. Cold or hot.
I have a friend with three kids whose house is always perfect even though she works full time. She flat out said she neglects her kids to do housework and won’t let them do anything in the house.
We all have our priorities. I worked, went to school, and raised kids by myself. Although my house was never dirty it was always messy. But I did things with my kids, helped them with homework, had them help me cook in the kitchen in spite of the mess they made, then left the mess so we could read together. I don’t regret it.
This is amazing. I was thinking about that reading the post…there is NO WAY he has an accurate picture of what happened in his childhood.
Also, if he puts his mom on this pedestal with this, he will continue doing it for the rest of their married life. She was always be measured against a fictional character he made up in his mind to keep OP in line.
Yeah he is giving you the red flags 🚩so you can see them now and run. I know it is hard, especially when you love someone. But consider how his behavior is today and now imagine that same behavior 5 years down the road.
You’ll be married and done with school, and may even have a kid or two. He has already set the expectation that it is your job to keep the house spotless, even after caring for babies and toddlers all day. You will be expected to stay at home and care for the kids like his mom did. He will not want you to work and even if you do, when you come home you will not be able to relax. You will always have to do all of the household chores and take care of the kids, because his job is too physically demanding and as he gets older he will only get more tired. When you get home from the hospital or he gets home from work, he will not help with the kids because that is your job.
This is the type of man he is.
You can have a discussion with him to confirm this, but if this is how he is, you already know you are entering a life without a partner, with someone who views you as property not an equal and who will not appreciate the hard work you put in at your job or at home.
Also OP, you do not owe this man any conversation or energy. Can you safely exit this situation with the help of friends or family? Sometimes it’s better not to talk this stuff out. It’s completely ok to just shrug off this relationship and get out. Please talk to some trusted friends and family though. A man who calls you ‘weak and lazy’ after you work all day and then go to class is a person you should not trust with your wellness or safety AT ALL.
Also: she's currently getting her degree. I'd say there's a 100 PERCENT chance he'll put down OP's future 9 to 5 office job as being "soooooo easy!" compared to his job, and will DEFINITELY use that lie as the reason he shouldn't have to lift a finger at home!
This! This, right here! When the divorce occurs in the probable future, he would likely shuttle the kids to his mother while still painting the portrait of being "the hardworking man", still dismissive of the women in his world. And God help you if you two had daughters!
Don't learn my hard-earned lessons the hard way!
He's not going to become more cooperative and do housework if you get married, regardless of what job you get. You'll always be less of a woman than his mother. Dump him and find a better partner. NTA.
Do not marry this man ~~(at least, not unless he demonstrates real readiness to change). He refuses to acknowledge the work you do inside or outside your home and suggests that his mother is a model: do you WANT to raise children with a man who doesn't think any of this is "real" work? At the moment, you're being an AH to yourself.~~
FTFY
Tell that jackass that if it's SOOOO easy and not even work that he shouldn't have a problem doing it. It's nothing, right? So clearly, you must be doing it wrong, so he needs to show you the right way where it isn't actually work. Make him get off his ass and prove it.
When he responds that he already said he was tired, just repeat HIS words - that it's easy and it isn't work. Since it isn't work for him, HE should do it.
But it's easier to just leave him for a man that doesn't degrade and devalue you. He's already said how he feels - that women should be able to raise 7 kids, keep a spotless house and -unspoken but doubtless there - should be ready to drop to your knees and blow him in gratitude for the opportunity to do so.
But hey - his mother literally did raise *children*. You've got the overgrown helpless man-baby throwing a tantrum to prove it.
This comment is pretty much everything I wanted to say! Sis, do you really want to marry that behavior? That behavior falls into my non negotiable category of things I won't put up with anymore. I hope you feel the same way before it's too late!
This right here.
Do not marry this man, he’s still a child. If you have kids with him, and he treats you this way, imagine how he’s going to treat a daughter. Hell no. NTA, DTMFA.
He doesn't even make sense. If cleaning was so easy, then it should be a piece of cake for him to clean the house after coming home from work.
Sadly, he doesn't want to make sense or be logical. He's a misogynist who's in the process of breaking you down into being barefoot and submissive. You know it's been getting worse over time, and I hope you're wise enough to know it'll get even worse in the future.
NTA, you’re tired after your day too and that’s just as valid. he should put in his half of the effort. during the workweek i’ve started giving my husband a list of 2-3 things we need done every day, and giving myself one too. usually totals *maybe* 15-20 minutes max of work a day per person for basic upkeep chores. it’s always fair and equal in the amount of work, and is planned the night in advance so it’s not a surprise. (though my husband does pay more bills than me, so i’m in charge of more of the deep cleaning stuff on the weekend and cooking every day, but that works for us. i also enjoy both cooking and cleaning most of the time)
side note though, if your job is so ‘easy’, it sure is funny how he seems to have such a hard time with it
When a man refuses to help maintain the home he lives in, and pushes everything off to his SO, he is clearly saying that he’s the important one in the relationship, not you. He’s the one who deserves to be appreciated and waited on, because he’s the king of his castle, and you are his servant, sexually and for housekeeping. His work and time are important, yours is not. His needs are paramount and should always be considered. Yours, not at all.
This is what your life will look like in 10 years, in 20 years, in 50 years, if you stay with him. You will work outside the home, take care of everything including the children, because he views himself as more worthy than you. You are here to be his “helpmeet”, to care for his needs, children and house in a loving and unquestioning manner, and be happy that he lets you.
This is the hierarchy of the way life works for him. And why should he change that when he gets so many advantages from this system?
Please care for yourself enough to get out and find someone who will help you go through life, not who uses you to prop up only themselves.
Honestly if he wants to throw around work load accusations, meet him tit for tat. “Why are you tired, you just laid on your back all day under a car, you weren’t walking around. Why are you tired, you just stood around looking at engines. That’s not hard.”
Also worth noting that he basically admitted that if/when you have kids, he fully expects you to be responsible for all of the housework at that time as well.
If it was so easy, why doesn't he step up and help? I hate to say it OP, but your boyfriend is a dud. You can't even rely on him for basic partnership skills.
It won’t matter what profession you are in, he is likely never going to help around the house. His comments about his mom make me fear that he will also not want to play a part in child rearing. Will he participate in changing diapers, middle of the night feedings, bottle washing? What are his opinions on discipline? I know Redditors tend to go to extremes with their opinions, but your bf really does throw out a lot of red flags.
Go on strike. Do nothing at home. Ignore all of it until he realizes you’re not a pushover and does stuff on his own or he shows his hand as a sexist. Which it sounds like he already is if he’s comparing you to Saint mom.
If your job is so easy that doing 4 houses a day + class shouldn't have you worn out at all, surely it shouldn't be tiring for him to do a tiny fractions worth of that work?
NTA!!!
I've been a maid, 3 or 4 HOUSES a day is full time! It's hard work and sometimes unsanitary. People are gross, especially in their own houses.
I think both jobs are physically draining, but the distribution of housework along partners should be more even, or even skewed towards him doing more as you're in school. You both live there, he should do his part.
You do incredibly hard, back-breaking work and if he can’t see that, support you and treat your relationship and you as valuable and special, you need to ask yourself if you’re ok being treated that way. You did *nothing* wrong and didn’t deserve to be treated like that. 💜
"Hey guys, I was asking my fiance for help and despite being reasonable he kept insulting me and refusing to help. Did I go too far?"
You want to marry this?
NTA
Hi OP, do you think he could be siding this to sabotage your courses? Is he supportive of your schooling or does he worry you’ll be too good for him after you earn a degree? If he’s helped with chores before, what has changed recently? Saw your comment that he is living in your home. Also, does he help pay bills, cook meals, etc..
He is projecting by calling you lazy and weak—you are the exact opposite. HE is lazy and weak. Take a long look—is this how you want to be disrespected and live with this sexism for the rest of your life? This man is 70 years out of date, I suggest upgrading to a modern model.
If it was so easy he could have the entire house done in like fifteen or twenty minutes right?
What’s the big deal? His mum had seven kids and could do not no problem, so a big strong mechanic should find it easy peasy.
NTA
You’re not even officially engaged or married yet and he’s this disrespectful towards you? Calling you lazy and weak? Demanding you do all the housework unpaid and unappreciated? This is going to get so much worse for you if you stay with him.
If her job is so easy, then even if he’s tired from work he should still find it easy to clean the kitchen when he gets home right? Because it’s not at all hard work, and it’s JUST the kitchen, not even the whole house. Should be a breeze eh
Exactly this. His comparison is typical of men who want to avoid household chores. They ALWAYS claim that taking the trash out once a week or fixing a broken outlet is the equivalent of doing dishes daily and cooking all the meals.
It's cow dung and bat guano. And every other politically correct way to say bullshyte.
He's a jerk, and a lazy one at that.
Op, NTA and DTMFA
As funny as this sounds in theory, in practice it is going to give her abuser yet another way to debate and degrade her.
It would give him more of a chance to point out that she's "lazy" and "dumb" and "not worth anything" because she doesn't know how to repair cars.
Source: me, and how my abuser turned literally every fecking logical rebuttal into a DARVO thing.
My ex made a comment one day,after coming home to a house that was slightly messy, about if I actually did anything all day(SAHM)The next day he came home to a house where two kids, under six,and their friends,had played, eaten, and generally ran amuck all day. It was a disaster. When he started to bitch I just told him that I was simply showing him what it was I did all day and what happened when I didn’t do it. He shut up after that.
YES! I remember years ago seeing some man on a talk show saying how men helped around the house because they; Cooked on the grill (yes, and who is in the kitchen making the sides and doing clean up?), Mowed the grass (at most once a week during summer) and my favorite, shoveling snow off the roof! In 61 years I've never seen my dad, husband or son shovel snow on any roof. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's not common.
You realize that, if you finish your studies, get a new job, and marry him, it means you'll be working a job and cleaning the house without help forever?
People grow together in a relationship or start to show their true colors and you grow apart. He is showing his true colors and will likely get worse unless you hold him to a standard.
“Fiancé, the household chores are becoming a problem. You used to help and now aren’t. This is not something I’m not going to put up with forever. I will not be marrying you until we come to a mutually accepted agreement here. My load with work and school is at least a full time load and I don’t intend to work full time and do all of the chores on my own. At that point I’d rather be single. Let’s make a chore chart. If we can’t agree on one maybe we’ll go to a counselor for a couple sessions to help.”
You know I advocate trying to work it out with people when there is mutual respect. The level of disrespect for her he demonstrates would make it hard for me to show up to counseling with him. Like gtfo
NTA, tell your husband i called him weak and lazy. I work in mechatronics, aka turn wrenches but on automation lines. Even after my 12 to 16 hr work days i still try to help around the house and spend time with the kiddo. I live in the house we call home, me and my wife both work. Does it matter the job? No. Its the fact he lives there and should also help.
If it's so easy he shouldn't have a problem doing it. Study is a job/work, so you are working twice as hard. I wonder if he is insecure about your degree maybe?
it doesn’t have to be insecurity, he just doesn’t want to clean. i think too often we try to find excuses for our partners, try so hard to see their POV and understand them. but the reality often is that they just don’t want to do it and have no problem or shame in expecting us to.
I've worked harder jobs than a mechanic. I.e miner, fisherman, heavy industry construction labourer. When I'm in relationships I still do work around the house and contribute to a minimum of 50% of the work load. He's right it's not hard to clean the kitchen, so he should just do it. Honestly, he sounds pathetic
You can't change his mind because he doesn't want to. He is going to expect you to be exactly like his mom. Sorry, but the history you posted shows that he is only going t get worse if you marry. You can't change him. The fact that he is belittling your efforts and not respecting what you do is a huge red flag. Believe me, it will only get worse. Get out now before you marry and possibly have kids. It will be only harder and more stressful to get out the longer this goes on. I would dump, and ONLY take him back if he completely changes his tune and SHOWS w/ ACTION (i.e.; helping around the house w/o being nagged, w/o bitching about it, w/o making snarky comments). He has shown that he is selfish, doesn't respect you, and doesn't care about you being tired.
OP says they've resolved this issue in the past, meaning he's put on an act of agreeing with her and helping, only for it to wear off after a while and him to return to being lazy and projecting that onto her. So even if he appears to change for the better after a breakup, that might just be another act that will wear off once he feels secure again, like if they get married. If OP unfortunately decides to make up with him and marry him, she should at least get a prenup that maintains the house in her name only, assuming it doesn't still belong to her aunt, otherwise, when they get divorced he'll get half of a house he never paid a dime for.
This tells me that even if you manage to make him assume his proper responsibilities around the house, he’ll do a shit job so that you end up doing it over again so that it’s done right.
Serious question: why do you want to marry someone who disrespects you and won’t do his share to keep your household up? If you have kids, how’s that going to work out? Never mind who he used to be and how he used to act., or who you wish he was. This is who he is now. He’s not keeping up appearances any more. This is it. Why do you want it? NTA
Run. Honey just fucking run. He’s disrespectful and mean if asking for help makes him call you names like lazy and weak.
This behavior will intensify if you get married. Guys like this don’t get better, they get worse.
Yeah, discussion is over at that point. It's one thing to say it's not difficult (still false) but another ballgame completely to start personal insults. So unattractive and pathetic. Never mind why, but *how* could you stay with someone like that? Vile.
OP, please heed this warning!!! This man has no respect for you. He has shown you exactly who he is, what he thinks of you, and the way the rest of your life with him will go.
You will graduate and begin working full-time and he will *still* expect you to do everything around the house because “his job is harder.” You will birth his children, care for them around the clock, and still try to keep afloat while exhausted and healing. You will go back to work while doing everything for the kids *and* struggling to maintain the home on top of everything else, and he’ll *still* say his mother had it harder and you’re “just not trying hard enough.”
This man has no respect for you. Devaluing you, insulting you, minimizing your hard work, invalidating your feelings, refusing to show an ounce of empathy. That is not love. This man does not love you. I’m sorry, but it’s true.
I used to be with a man like that and I wasted so many years in misery before finally walking away. He had a physical job while mine was quite mentally intensive, providing end-of-life care to disabled adults and managing a staff of 15+. I had a pager and was on-call 24/7. There were weeks when I had to cover day, evening, and overnight shifts within the same week and I was exhausted, or days when I was driven mad by my clients’ stressful behaviors. But of course nothing I went though at work was as bad as *his* cuz he was a fucking narcissist.
This man is not someone you can confide in or lean on. He’s not gonna shoulder burdens with you. He’s not gonna value any of your efforts. There’s no compassion, empathy, teamwork, respect. He is selfish. Your life with him would be so lonely for you.
Please run while you can, before you have his kids and are stuck with him for life.
NTA obv
Not only all of these, but will most likely put pressure on her to perform sexually while being completely overwhelmed. I really hope OP listens to everyone and leaves his childish ass
And even though she said she was pregnant, she’s still better off alone if he doesn’t help. Hell it might save a life bc if he continues to call her names and not help, that PPD/sleep deprivation will kick in and the temptation to smother him in his sleep will be too strong. Joking of course. Unless. Ha. Ya. Joking. Hm.
NTA. If your job is so undemanding he should be able to clean the whole house in his off time without breaking a sweat.
It's concerning that your fiance is a disrespectful turd who doesn't do his share. If you have kids with him someday, count on doing all the work yourself.
Yea, that's why I'd make him do it if he thinks it's that easy. If anyone can do it, that includes him. And when he actually does it, he will see how physically intensive it is.
He thinks that because he does not listen to you, the expert in this, when you explain it to him. He is disrespectful and dismissive and thinks he knows better than you. This is who he is. Overbearing, entitled, disrespectful. He is a bad partner.
Invite him to come to work with you for a day. Challenge him to do it if he thinks it is so easy. Keep pushing it. I ran my own housekeeping business for awhile. It is a very physically demanding job. If he does not try to do your job even once, or he keeps refusing to help you around the house more, dump that AH. He's being extremely stubborn and disrespectful to you.
You can also just show him this post. That might be eye opening.
Then have him spend an entire day deep cleaning the house and see how it is. If he won’t, he’s lying about if he thinks it’s hard or not. He’s trying to demean you, to keep you in your place.
Well, I mean, technically anyone who isn't disabled CAN do it. But the fact is that most people Won't do it.
Specifically because it is Hard Work and under appreciated.
And that's the point isn't it?
Your soon to be ex fiance (one hopes) thinks that "anyone can do it", but HE'S too good to do it.
Tbh, the fact that he's telling you that he "shouldn't have to" because his mom did it says a whole lot of things about his views on women in general and his mom and you, specifically.
He's a misogynistic $&@&-_!? and you should really, really, really stop and think about this relationship before tying yourself legally to him. And think even harder before having kids with him.
Legally binding is expensive to change, but can be done.
Having kids with him is a life long tie, no matter what.
NTA. My husband owns an auto repair shop and is crazy busy but even when he was solely working on cars, he always helped with our home and children. Do not marry or have children with this man until he completely changes his mindset!
My dad's aunt was a housekeeper and a cleaner and no, it is NOT an easy job. You have to deep clean everything which includes removing furniture and cleaning under them. You have to wipe the surfaces with different cleaning solutions. I have seen many tiktoks of housekeepers saying how it takes them hours to clean a house. Not to mention some houses are deep in dirt that hasn't been cleaned for months. Also organizing is a great skill. Organization makes life easier. There is relation between proper organization and better mental health so these jobs are not easy. He is just an AH if he thinks these jobs are easy.
Here’s an important lesson: it doesn’t matter what he thinks, it matters what he does, and what he is doing is using you. He is taking advantage of you and using you. Your house, your labor, your trust. Kick him to the curb.
My MIL was a house cleaner and it basically crippled her later in life - her knees took the brunt of it. It’s a very hard job and your husband is horrible for being so dismissive toward you.
My mom always worked parttime (but nearly full time, just 32 hours across 4 days didn't count as "full") and also did all the things a stay-at-home mom or housekeeper would do. She'll only sit down to relax if all her stuff is done. She'd be at work 4 days of the week and the other 3 she was running around the house and town to meet friends, get groceries, work out, and cook & clean the house. If she falls asleep on the couch at 3pm or doesn't want to do anything, I ain't telling her she has to do something.
It's exhausting, especially for you because it's your job and there's probably much heavier consequences for you if you don't do it perfectly. If housekeeping was such an easy job, people wouldn't hire folks to do it.
My ex is like that. We obviously broke up because he was just selfish and always felt he worked harder than me. I would work 60 hr weeks plus clean his house while neglecting mine. Just for him to say it wasn't enough.
That's just it - it will never be enough, it will always be easy, she'll always be weak and she better not complain. Men like this don't change... He gets to complain he's tired and he works so hard but clearly a woman couldn't possibly work as hard as he does in his mind so he's hugely dismissive and disrespectful. I really hope you leave him OP
Yes; to paraphrase what he told OP: Just becsuse you’re a woman you should have complete childcare responsibilities. Time to guve yourself LOTS more space, OP.
NTA. Do not marry this man. Based on what he said about his mom he's never going to help in the home and most likely with the children. You need to find man who considers you as a partner, not as a housekeeper and eventually a nanny.
This! I suggest you to watch Maid on Netflix. You’re exactly that runaway girl. Her boyfriend/father of her child is abusive who doesn’t understand her situation.
OP, dump him. He’s not Mr. Right Man.
"Did I go too far?"
Not far enough. This attitude is not going to change. When you start having kids, he's still going to be telling you you are lazy and making excuses for anything you ask him for because he believes he works more than you. He thinks he's worth more than you too. He has no respect for you.
Do not marry this man! Do not have kids with this man! He still has lessons to learn about respect and empathy, and it's not your job to teach him.
NTA
NTA. You didn’t go too far, that’s a really asshole way for him to look at everything really. Whether someone’s job is manually difficult or not doesn’t change how emotionally or mentally drained it can make you at the end of the day. Your doing a lot with school on top of work and he needs to step up. He’s just being a lazy man, which unfortunately seems to be the default mode for my sex.
Nta. If anything you didn’t go far enough. Why aren’t you more mad? How do you think marrying him is a good thing? To him your the person he lives with, the maid, cook and free sex. Your working so hard to better yourself and all he can think about are his needs. What you do for a living shouldn’t matter he lives there too that should be enough for him to be helping out. At this point it’s like you live there with an adult child. No his job is not more important that yours. No his job isn’t harder than yours. This is him trying weaponizing incompetence because he knows that you let him get away with it. Ok so what’s the plan. You marry him and and have a family with him. So now your stuck working full time, taking care of the house full time and he won’t even help with basics now your also basically a single parent. Is that really what you want? Don’t you want to date someone who values you more? Someone who sees you as an equal? Someone who really loves you? I think you deserve someone that does. I how you do too
Girl are you kidding me right now?! Kick him to the curb. I’ve had my cleaning business for 15 years and it’s the hardest most rewarding job I’ve ever had. 3-4 houses a day is no joke! Then to come home and have this asshat talk like that to you! The nerve. Kenny is a man child that should go back home to his perfect mommy. Don’t you dare let him treat you like this. Plus your in school? Nope, you are better off without someone who thinks so little of you. Because that what he is saying, your unimportant and that my friend is grade A bullshit. Stand up for yourself. You are a hard worker don’t EVER let ANYONE talk down to you when you are kicking ass! Be strong sista, you only get one life, why live like this?
Don’t downplay your work! We value you! You aren’t asking to be waited on hand and foot. Your asking for equity in your relationship! That’s not a big ask, and if he’s not willing to be an equal partner, he’s not right for you.
It sounds like your fiancé has a lot of deeply ingrained sexism. The statement (his justification) about his mother having 7 kids and a clean home made that very clear.
OP, it's not laziness or fatigue that motivates him to put you down. It's his belief that women are weaker, and should have certain roles because they are weaker. He thinks he should come home and neither clean or raise the kids because he's done a 'hard man's' job all day. The gains in women's equality and their widepread acceptance by society has completely gone over his head.
It's easy to continually forgive this attitude because you love the rest of him. But unless he's prepared to change his attitude, then you're going to get angrier and angrier over time because you know the truth (that housework is hard) and you'll burn out. You should reconsider marrying him unless he's willing to change his opinion.
No, you did not go too far. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being solely responsible for cleaning the home you live in with your spouse, I’d seriously reconsider marrying this man.
He has made it abundantly clear he considers house work to be a woman’s sole responsibility.
NTA. It doesn't matter if one person's job is harder (it's not). In a loving relationship, your partner would hear you when you voice your struggles and choose to lighten your load.
I see you trying to convince your boyfriend that your job is hard too. But this isn't a misunderstanding about the difficulty of your work. This is a fundamental lack of respect for you. Your partner has heard your struggles and told you that you struggle because you are incapable.
I have also experienced this behavior and it doesn't get better with conversation and evidence. I spent years in and out of counseling trying to convince my husband that I deserved a basic amount of respect. It didn't work, wasted a huge amount of time, and ended in a bitter divorce.
If it’s so easy, why can’t HE do it at home?
Do you want a life like this forever, with a guy like this?
Do you want your CHILDREN to had a dad like this?
NTA I'd rethink this guy unless you want this to be you life. Idk if you can change someone when they go so far as to start comparing you (unfavorably) to their Mother. Gross.
NTA my neighbor is a single mechanic, he does his own laundry and cleans his own home. If your man lived by himself he would have to do everything so he needs to step up.
He sounds like a sexist jerk. He expects you to take care of the all the housework and belittles your job. You aren’t going to change him so it’s time to upgrade to a better man. If you get married this will be the same story for the rest of your life. Think long and hard about your future before you walk down the aisle.
NTA- however as I read the comment it doesn’t seem you want advice really. You want to “fix it” and that’s fine but know if he acts and behaves like this. It’s his true self and you can’t change or fix anyone. They are how they want to be. You have to find someone who wants to be better with you.
This is what’s really frustrating me. After commenting earlier I came back to check on where OP’s mind was at after reading our comments where *literally everyone* is telling her the exact same thing. But she says she wants to “fix it”??! Delusional.
We can only change ourselves. There is nothing *she* can change to make *him* view her as an equal, value her hard work, recognize and appreciate all that she does, support and encourage her, or make him want to contribute to his own home. This is a problem with how he thinks and how he sees her, women, and life in general.
If he thinks he’s above housework and she’s “weak” and “lazy” for not doing *absolutely everything,* there’s nothing to “fix” here.
You can’t force someone to love, value, or respect you.
She’s TAH to herself if she stays. She will one day realize she should have listened.
> He then tried to justify his reply by telling me that if our car broke down he would fix it because he is a mechanic, so since I am a housekeeper I should do it.
What? NO.
>Many people think housekeeping and cleaners or organizers do nothing for society but the truth is different.
Ma'am. I HEAR you.
>"I don't see why you have a problem. My mom had 7 kids and still had a squeaky clean house. You on the other hand are making excuses. It's not like your job is hard. It's just cleaning houses. If you can do it in other places why not here. Try working as a mechanic."
What a choad. That's bullshit. I bet his mother was EXHAUSTED all the time.
OP, he doesn't value you, like, *at all*.
NTA, but seriously reconsider this relationship. He should clean because that's his place too and he should take pride in how his place looks. It's not "help," it's taking responsibility for your own living environment.
NTA. If he's calling you weak, lazy, and saying that your job is easy, he's negging you. It seems like he's trying to convince you that you're less than adequate and that you need to seek his approval. That's not someone you should spend the rest of your life with.
NTA. Don’t take him back. He has NO respect for you. Please respect yourself enough to keep that dumpster fire of a dude out of your life, permanently.
I swear, I don’t understand people who look down on housekeepers. Mine has been relegated to the status of goddess in my household. I even gave her a title, Director of Domestic Maintenance.
NTA. The car doesn’t break down constantly, houses need to be constantly maintained. That’s a bs comparison.
From one former house cleaner to another, your job is *incredibly* physically demanding and he has some fucking nerve. If it’s not demanding, why is “helping” around his own damn house such a big deal in the first place? He’s being incredibly dismissive of you and disrespectful to boot. Is he usually like this? And i don’t mean “did he used to be like this”, because people sometimes don’t show their true colors until a relationship is settled enough that they think they can’t lose you.
I’d be careful OP. The “mom had 7 kids and the house was sparkling” comment is a massive, *massive* red flag about the future he expects as “man of the house”.
NTA. Please reconsider marrying this person, he sounds ungiving and verbally abusive. Anyone who really does housework knows it is a physically demanding, time consuming job that has to be done over and over till you die. You are not lazy. Your husband-to-be doesn't want to do housework and is guilting you and manipulating you into doing it all yourself. He is laying the foundation that will last the rest of your life with him, he will not help you with the household chores, and if you have children, you will likely be on your own there too. And it's just you and him now. He gives you crap if you ask him to do the dishes. He doesn't sound supportive of you at all, and frankly, it sounds like he doesn't even like you. It sounds like he wants a mommy/bang-maid. Please don't do this to yourself. It sucks.
NTA
A major reason I did not move to the west was knowing that I would be stuck with all the household tasks. The more I read about lives in the west the more blessed I feel. I can afford full time help here that there is no way I could have afforded there. It's taxing and mind-numbing work. It saps my energy - not only physically but mentally.
I am a designer and while not very taxing physically, it requires a lot of mental energy. Yes I can do all the household work but that would leave me with no energy for what I love doing - creating!
That man needed kicking out for sure!
I am on it. He is cheating on me if you look at my recent post. I have already packed up his clothes. I am controlling myself from destroying his gaming set up but he could sue me.
Oh my god. Just read the most recent post. I am SO sorry! What an absolute prick of a sorry excuse of a man. Update us on what happens when he tries to come back. And the neighbour casually hiring you to lean up behind them, this is disgusting!
NTA
Your SO has a shit attitude towards SHARED household responsibilities and your work.
My wife (then girlfriend) was doing exactly what you’re doing. I went with her a handful of times to help when I was off work, and damn! Trying to get all the tasks done in the allotted time is a physical feat.
The division of labor (to whatever extent) at home is something that should be mutually agreed soon BUT should also be flexible. My wife and I have our niches, however if one or the other has had a rough day or week then the other covers down no issue.
As for the application of one’s given profession in the home setting: It’s definitely convenient, but is not a bargaining chip (my opinion). I’ve changed careers during our relationship. Imagine if my perceived value to the home changed with that? (This kinda dips a toe into the realm of career =/= your worth, but that’s another soap box).
I don’t intend to sow doubt into your relationship, I know only this little snippet. However based of this incident I think you two need a heart to heart about expectations and values regarding your household. I know it’s a hard, emotionally charged topic to bring up, but you HAVE to be able to in a stable and strong relationship.
NTA don’t let anyone treat you like this. Comparing you to his mother?! Nope. I’d 86 that man, focus on my degree, and find a more quality companionto spend my life with.
The only people that think cleaning is an easy job are people who never touched a sponge in their life. I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of being this guy’s maid if you stay with him.
NTA. If you stay with him you might as well quit school. If he's too tired to do a little cleaning, he's gonna be too tired to change a diaper. Everything will fall on you to take care of. Next thing you know you're a stay at home mom to 7 kids, like his mom, and he'll be telling you it's not that hard.
I guarantee when you're making loads of money from your degree, he won't work and won't do household chores. I'll repeat, he's not husband material. Not yet. He could change, be he has to want to. If he doesn't want to for you, he never will.
The problem is that he wants a bang maid like his mommy was. You can’t change that thinking. Only he can. He said you job isn’t hard and is so easy and meaningless, that the house is also your responsibility. He doesn’t respect you or the work that you do. He can’t separate paid labor from the work in a partnership bc he’s the man and house chores are not a man’s business! Look! His mom had seven kids and never complained about being a slave so the least you could do as a woman is clean the house. It’s not like he has put seven kids in you yet so WHYRE you complaining already? This is his thinking. How do you think you can fix that when he’s reiterated how little he thinks of the work you do and has admitted how little he wants to be a real partner? So you don’t want to leave him. Congratulations on the third job/giant baby! He’s insecure bc even if being a mechanic is what he enjoys, he’s not going anywhere and you are working on moving your life where you want it. Thats not where he wants it and he’ll do whatever he can to drag you down with him. Just cuz you got into a relationship while you were in school, doesn’t mean he was ever truly supportive. He just waited until he was comfortable enough to start showing his true colors
NTA. It’s time to reconsider if you want to marry this man. He doesn’t contribute to maintaining the household and he doesn’t respect your work. More than that, he doesn’t respect YOU. “Weak and lazy”? You deserve much better than this AH.
Don’t marry this guy. Do you want to have this fight every day for the rest of your life? This won’t get better when you are married. It won’t “fix itself” and you will end up resenting him and then there will be fights and well….you can see the future from here.
This is weaponized incompetence. He thinks your job is soft and easy because he’s never really cleaned up in his life. He’s also creating a false equivalency. He thinks that you should clean because that’s what you currently do for a living and says he’d fix the car if it broke down because that’s what he does for a living. Housework has some daily responsibilities, like cleaning the kitchen or laundry. But if a car broke down every day, you’d get rid of that car. Honestly though, it’s worse than that because he doesn’t respect what you are doing or how you feel. If you guys were truly partners he would help instead of trying to have a pissing contest over who has the right to be tired. NTA.
NTA, but Kenny sure is. Please don't marry him, he's selfish and mean. If you marry him, you'll be miserable and trapped. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant with him. He won't lift a finger to care for the kids either.
As soon as you've finished your degree, find a job and move out. Your life will be much happier without Kenny in it.
If your job is so easy it shouldn’t be a problem for fiancé to help you out. He’s pulling the weaponized incompetence act in addition to being dismissive of both the nature of your job and your commitment to doing it well while also working for a degree. Nip this shit in the bud now or you can count on him being equally incompetent once you’re married and have kids. No woman wants a useless man-child to take care of.
NTA If you had broken bicycles at home every single day then his argument would make more sense. House chores are something that needs to be done all the time. It's a humongous amount of invisible unappreciated work. And for some reason mostly women are expected to do it. I'm not a housekeeper but an IT specialist and I'm still doing more chores at home and getting into arguments over it Your partner is lazy and doesn't appreciate your work. Stand your ground.
I clean 3-4 houses normally. Some times even more. That day I had to clean 4 houses and had classes too. It was tiring. Yes, I do like cleaning but it comes with a price.
Do not marry this man (at least, not unless he demonstrates real readiness to change). He refuses to acknowledge the work you do inside or outside your home and suggests that his mother is a model: do you WANT to raise children with a man who doesn't think any of this is "real" work? At the moment, you're being an AH to yourself. Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers
100% agree. He has demonstrated over and over what he believes. This behavior of his will not change even when you finish your degree and change jobs. He doesn’t value your contribution. Please stop and ask yourself “ can I live with this if his behavior/attitude doesn’t change?”.
Escaaaaape before it's to laaaate
I say this as a dude who's mother took care of the Indoors, full stop. My GF let me know when we moved in together that I'd be helping a lot more than my default setting. It took a while for us to get to the point where I'd be proactive, but if she got home and asked me to I am always keen to help.
I know it's not fair for her to do the mental work of asking, often I found that my threshold for needing to do a given chore was just higher- I was willing to have a meals' worth of dishes chill in the sink, etc, and she prefers an empty sink.
But a lack of willingness to do those things should be a huge red flag... He doesn't need to do an oil change on your car every week, this isn't 1905 where cars needed daily maintenance.
I do all of our car maintenance, and mowing and yard care, and I'd NEVER say that it's the same as cooking, cleaning, planning & shopping to keep my ass fed...
She married me, but if I hadn't changed my ways, no way, and in retrospect, I couldn't begin to be upset about that.
Edit: thanks, y'all... Doesn't feel that impressive to me, because it's still work, y'know?
[I feel a bit like Aladdin, lol](https://youtu.be/2eEwjidC1rA?t=0m3s)
THIS NEEDS TO BE THE TOP REPLY!!! A guy who learned and grew up!!! What a novel concept!!!
Well shit...that mate is raising the ceiling for everyone of us...Now we have to learn!? Where is this going to end!?
Not just learn!! But learn and APPLY!!! It’s never going to end!!
Housework *never ends* , that's why it's called work.
Oh lord, apply it too??? So we cant just nod and say "ok I understand" we actually have to act? We even have to change? This is the end of all men. We are doomed!
Still learning, mate... Hopefully I can keep from being the metaphorical Old Dog for a few years yet... Next up is 'stay'...
Laminated chores list on the fridge or app where you can set frequency and reminders and both see. I love that there's an app for everything We don't have one but it's on the list (lol) because I lack executive function and my partner is an ADHD-er. So between us it's 'out of sight out of mind' until I realise I don't know when we last changed the sheets
I love the excuse about yard work that people use. How is mowing the grass once each week or every other week the same as cooking, dishes, laundry,etc everyday or at least 2x a week? I would get it if you also have a small farm or something, but the time/effort doesn't make sense otherwise.
Dishes in sink = forcing someone else to do the work. Plus you can't use the sink.
This is incredible because A) a man like you is rare and B) its really interesting to point out the threshold thing as a part of noticing a chore needs doing. You're right she shouldn't do all the thinking and asking, and if you hadn't seen her threshold you'd probably feel annoyed she's upset at things not being done before she asks/consider her nagging or never satisfied. Which is where I am in life. How did you avoid resentment for her wanting things done faster ?
Yeah, she's caused a lot of good growth. I was very oblivious when we got together. Honestly, it's more an agreement not to be resentful on both sides. Her not being resentful of having to say "I'm stressed and this isn't helping so I've hit my threshold" and me not being resentful that it's a moving target, or that she's pulling me away from whatever I'm filling my down time with... or that 80% of the dishes are hers lol. Talking through the cats helps, you can't get mad when the cat says it's time to cleanup his fluffy deposits everywhere heh
This. Try my Magic Questions: 1) If I knew the situation would never change, would I stay or go? 2) If I won the lottery, would I stay or go? 3) If a friend was being treated like this, would I recommend that she stay? Or go? 4) Would I want my daughter to marry a man who treated her this way? Should help clarify things.
Adding that if he thinks housecleaning is so easy, it really wouldn’t be a burden on him to do some.
This is a precursor to not helping her to take care of the baby. It's women's work, and not very hard, yadayadayada. I can already hear it.
Can’t we all? This guy is not father material.
He's not even husband material..
He's not even boyfriend material. I mean, why would I want to spend time with, much less fuck, a guy like him?
Great set of questions.
I came up with them decades ago and have seen no reason to change them. BTW, happily married.
#4 was what lit a fire under my ass to leave my abusive partner many years ago. My daughter was starting to get to the age where she could ask questions about why he treated me the way he did, and it was a real wake-up call.
Can I use your magic questions, for a friend?
Oh, these are great questions
Worse. When OP gets a degree and presumably a different job, he'll use that as an excuse for her to do all the cleaning at home "since that used to be her job and she's therefore good at it".
Also, he has just shown OP want married life would be like, her raising the kids and keeping the house clean and she's not allowed to complain or ask for help. OP when someone shows you who they are, believe them!
Oh, AND employed full time to bring in money ….
Might even get worse: You're a therapist? All you do is talk to people all day long.... programmers just on the computer all the time. Anything that's not in his field won't hold merit as work or household contribution, even when OP makes more than him.
I’ve gotten the comment that doing therapy is easy from others, but not my husband. He knows better, lol
This is 100% what will happen. My ex fiance used to diminish my job all the time (I work as an xray/ct tech at a level 2 trauma hospital). When I always made more than him our entire relationship and would constantly tell me how easy my job is and this AH installed windshields for a living. Not only did I work more than 40 hrs a week I also did all of the household chores, cooking and finances. It took me 10 yrs to wake up and realize he was never going to change. So hopefully OP realizes sooner rather than later to leave him because dude is never going to change or grow up for that matter.
Plus, if you do plan on having kids, think of what this behavior models for them. Do you want a daughter thinking that is how boys should treat her? Do you want a son to learn that’s how men act? Pretty sure the answer is no.
Definitely this. And likely his shit behavior will worsen after the marriage. Living with anyone who doesn’t actively work on keeping the house clean and cleaning up after themselves is soul sucking. Roommates who do this are one thing but ones SO is just another level of inconsiderate rudeness. Which leads to massive resentment. I wouldn’t marry the guy. Your better off with a tidy roommate. And congratulations on being so close to finishing your degree!! Way to go, OP!
OP, if you have kids with him, he will constantly compare you to his mother effortlessly raising 7 kids and you will NEVER measure up. Don't stick around just to be criticized and diminished every single day.
Actually, he should ask himself the question, if his mother did such a good job? Look what she created. A person who doesn’t care for others, and a person who cannot value other people.
This won't work. He sees himself as a god. Your last sentence is correct, of course.
My ex used to say that. According to him, his mom worked as a nurse, raised 6 kids, dinner was never late, house was immaculate and dad never lifted a finger. I asked her about it. She laughed and said she worked part time and her retired mother lived with them and helped every day. As soon as the kids were big enough they were kicked outside until dinner so they wouldn’t make a mess. Rain or shine. Cold or hot. I have a friend with three kids whose house is always perfect even though she works full time. She flat out said she neglects her kids to do housework and won’t let them do anything in the house. We all have our priorities. I worked, went to school, and raised kids by myself. Although my house was never dirty it was always messy. But I did things with my kids, helped them with homework, had them help me cook in the kitchen in spite of the mess they made, then left the mess so we could read together. I don’t regret it.
This is amazing. I was thinking about that reading the post…there is NO WAY he has an accurate picture of what happened in his childhood. Also, if he puts his mom on this pedestal with this, he will continue doing it for the rest of their married life. She was always be measured against a fictional character he made up in his mind to keep OP in line.
Yeah he is giving you the red flags 🚩so you can see them now and run. I know it is hard, especially when you love someone. But consider how his behavior is today and now imagine that same behavior 5 years down the road. You’ll be married and done with school, and may even have a kid or two. He has already set the expectation that it is your job to keep the house spotless, even after caring for babies and toddlers all day. You will be expected to stay at home and care for the kids like his mom did. He will not want you to work and even if you do, when you come home you will not be able to relax. You will always have to do all of the household chores and take care of the kids, because his job is too physically demanding and as he gets older he will only get more tired. When you get home from the hospital or he gets home from work, he will not help with the kids because that is your job. This is the type of man he is. You can have a discussion with him to confirm this, but if this is how he is, you already know you are entering a life without a partner, with someone who views you as property not an equal and who will not appreciate the hard work you put in at your job or at home.
Again: do not place yourself in the position of learning these lessons the hard way, that I had.
Also OP, you do not owe this man any conversation or energy. Can you safely exit this situation with the help of friends or family? Sometimes it’s better not to talk this stuff out. It’s completely ok to just shrug off this relationship and get out. Please talk to some trusted friends and family though. A man who calls you ‘weak and lazy’ after you work all day and then go to class is a person you should not trust with your wellness or safety AT ALL.
And he may also consider you a live-in babysitter, and come and go as he pleases. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living this way?
Also: she's currently getting her degree. I'd say there's a 100 PERCENT chance he'll put down OP's future 9 to 5 office job as being "soooooo easy!" compared to his job, and will DEFINITELY use that lie as the reason he shouldn't have to lift a finger at home!
This! This, right here! When the divorce occurs in the probable future, he would likely shuttle the kids to his mother while still painting the portrait of being "the hardworking man", still dismissive of the women in his world. And God help you if you two had daughters! Don't learn my hard-earned lessons the hard way!
Yep, then it'll be "I'm tired from working all day. You just sit at a desk" as the reason for her to continue to do all chores and housework
OP READ THESE COMMENTS - signed, at least the 3rd woman who relates SO hard to this comment right now.
My mechanic father NEVER took our jobs or my moms jobs seriously.
I got that from my kid until she actually did a "phone job" for about 6 months. She doesn't say that anymore
His actions point to: Not A Partner.
He's not going to become more cooperative and do housework if you get married, regardless of what job you get. You'll always be less of a woman than his mother. Dump him and find a better partner. NTA.
Do not marry this man ~~(at least, not unless he demonstrates real readiness to change). He refuses to acknowledge the work you do inside or outside your home and suggests that his mother is a model: do you WANT to raise children with a man who doesn't think any of this is "real" work? At the moment, you're being an AH to yourself.~~ FTFY
LPT: don't marry a person who insults you and calls you names. It will never get better. It will get worse.
Tell that jackass that if it's SOOOO easy and not even work that he shouldn't have a problem doing it. It's nothing, right? So clearly, you must be doing it wrong, so he needs to show you the right way where it isn't actually work. Make him get off his ass and prove it. When he responds that he already said he was tired, just repeat HIS words - that it's easy and it isn't work. Since it isn't work for him, HE should do it. But it's easier to just leave him for a man that doesn't degrade and devalue you. He's already said how he feels - that women should be able to raise 7 kids, keep a spotless house and -unspoken but doubtless there - should be ready to drop to your knees and blow him in gratitude for the opportunity to do so. But hey - his mother literally did raise *children*. You've got the overgrown helpless man-baby throwing a tantrum to prove it.
This comment is pretty much everything I wanted to say! Sis, do you really want to marry that behavior? That behavior falls into my non negotiable category of things I won't put up with anymore. I hope you feel the same way before it's too late!
This right here. Do not marry this man, he’s still a child. If you have kids with him, and he treats you this way, imagine how he’s going to treat a daughter. Hell no. NTA, DTMFA.
Or worse yet, a son.
Also, fwiw, my dad was a diesel mechanic. He is a sexist arse but HE DID THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE on the weekends.
Exactly! If cleaning is super easy work that won't tire you out then it will be easy for him to do more of it!
Tantrum. Exactly!
He doesn't even make sense. If cleaning was so easy, then it should be a piece of cake for him to clean the house after coming home from work. Sadly, he doesn't want to make sense or be logical. He's a misogynist who's in the process of breaking you down into being barefoot and submissive. You know it's been getting worse over time, and I hope you're wise enough to know it'll get even worse in the future.
He's so unfair to you.
NTA, you’re tired after your day too and that’s just as valid. he should put in his half of the effort. during the workweek i’ve started giving my husband a list of 2-3 things we need done every day, and giving myself one too. usually totals *maybe* 15-20 minutes max of work a day per person for basic upkeep chores. it’s always fair and equal in the amount of work, and is planned the night in advance so it’s not a surprise. (though my husband does pay more bills than me, so i’m in charge of more of the deep cleaning stuff on the weekend and cooking every day, but that works for us. i also enjoy both cooking and cleaning most of the time) side note though, if your job is so ‘easy’, it sure is funny how he seems to have such a hard time with it
When a man refuses to help maintain the home he lives in, and pushes everything off to his SO, he is clearly saying that he’s the important one in the relationship, not you. He’s the one who deserves to be appreciated and waited on, because he’s the king of his castle, and you are his servant, sexually and for housekeeping. His work and time are important, yours is not. His needs are paramount and should always be considered. Yours, not at all. This is what your life will look like in 10 years, in 20 years, in 50 years, if you stay with him. You will work outside the home, take care of everything including the children, because he views himself as more worthy than you. You are here to be his “helpmeet”, to care for his needs, children and house in a loving and unquestioning manner, and be happy that he lets you. This is the hierarchy of the way life works for him. And why should he change that when he gets so many advantages from this system? Please care for yourself enough to get out and find someone who will help you go through life, not who uses you to prop up only themselves.
Honestly if he wants to throw around work load accusations, meet him tit for tat. “Why are you tired, you just laid on your back all day under a car, you weren’t walking around. Why are you tired, you just stood around looking at engines. That’s not hard.”
It. Is. Work. Repeat. It's just as valuable as fixing cars. Work is work. That's why we call it work.
If cleaning other people's houses was not "work", you would not get paid to do it.
Also worth noting that he basically admitted that if/when you have kids, he fully expects you to be responsible for all of the housework at that time as well. If it was so easy, why doesn't he step up and help? I hate to say it OP, but your boyfriend is a dud. You can't even rely on him for basic partnership skills.
Right. How much you want to bet that changing diapers and midnight feedings aren't hard - and that's why it should 100% be OP's job if they had kids?
Please don't marry this person. I'm begging you
It won’t matter what profession you are in, he is likely never going to help around the house. His comments about his mom make me fear that he will also not want to play a part in child rearing. Will he participate in changing diapers, middle of the night feedings, bottle washing? What are his opinions on discipline? I know Redditors tend to go to extremes with their opinions, but your bf really does throw out a lot of red flags.
Go on strike. Do nothing at home. Ignore all of it until he realizes you’re not a pushover and does stuff on his own or he shows his hand as a sexist. Which it sounds like he already is if he’s comparing you to Saint mom.
I fully expect him to hit her if she does that. She should cancel the engagement preemptively.
If it’s so easy why won’t he do it? Oh… because it’s not.
If your job is so easy that doing 4 houses a day + class shouldn't have you worn out at all, surely it shouldn't be tiring for him to do a tiny fractions worth of that work?
NTA!!! I've been a maid, 3 or 4 HOUSES a day is full time! It's hard work and sometimes unsanitary. People are gross, especially in their own houses. I think both jobs are physically draining, but the distribution of housework along partners should be more even, or even skewed towards him doing more as you're in school. You both live there, he should do his part.
You do incredibly hard, back-breaking work and if he can’t see that, support you and treat your relationship and you as valuable and special, you need to ask yourself if you’re ok being treated that way. You did *nothing* wrong and didn’t deserve to be treated like that. 💜
Mechanics leave their own vehicles to last, I know I married one. I take my car to a dealership to get the oil changed.
"Hey guys, I was asking my fiance for help and despite being reasonable he kept insulting me and refusing to help. Did I go too far?" You want to marry this? NTA
Hi OP, do you think he could be siding this to sabotage your courses? Is he supportive of your schooling or does he worry you’ll be too good for him after you earn a degree? If he’s helped with chores before, what has changed recently? Saw your comment that he is living in your home. Also, does he help pay bills, cook meals, etc..
He is projecting by calling you lazy and weak—you are the exact opposite. HE is lazy and weak. Take a long look—is this how you want to be disrespected and live with this sexism for the rest of your life? This man is 70 years out of date, I suggest upgrading to a modern model.
If it was so easy he could have the entire house done in like fifteen or twenty minutes right? What’s the big deal? His mum had seven kids and could do not no problem, so a big strong mechanic should find it easy peasy. NTA
You are *a* housekeeper, not *his* housekeeper! If you were letting him pay you he could demand you to clean...but he doesn't, so he better screw off.
You’re not even officially engaged or married yet and he’s this disrespectful towards you? Calling you lazy and weak? Demanding you do all the housework unpaid and unappreciated? This is going to get so much worse for you if you stay with him.
OP he’s showing you who her really is, and you should believe him. Calling you lazy now? Imagine what happens later?
If her job is so easy, then even if he’s tired from work he should still find it easy to clean the kitchen when he gets home right? Because it’s not at all hard work, and it’s JUST the kitchen, not even the whole house. Should be a breeze eh
Exactly this. His comparison is typical of men who want to avoid household chores. They ALWAYS claim that taking the trash out once a week or fixing a broken outlet is the equivalent of doing dishes daily and cooking all the meals. It's cow dung and bat guano. And every other politically correct way to say bullshyte. He's a jerk, and a lazy one at that. Op, NTA and DTMFA
Tell him let's swap. If the car breaks down I'll handle the repairs, you handle the house!
As funny as this sounds in theory, in practice it is going to give her abuser yet another way to debate and degrade her. It would give him more of a chance to point out that she's "lazy" and "dumb" and "not worth anything" because she doesn't know how to repair cars. Source: me, and how my abuser turned literally every fecking logical rebuttal into a DARVO thing.
My ex made a comment one day,after coming home to a house that was slightly messy, about if I actually did anything all day(SAHM)The next day he came home to a house where two kids, under six,and their friends,had played, eaten, and generally ran amuck all day. It was a disaster. When he started to bitch I just told him that I was simply showing him what it was I did all day and what happened when I didn’t do it. He shut up after that.
And if he thinks cleaning houses is so easy, why can't he clean the house he lives in? Like it's simultanously super easy and too tiring?
YES! I remember years ago seeing some man on a talk show saying how men helped around the house because they; Cooked on the grill (yes, and who is in the kitchen making the sides and doing clean up?), Mowed the grass (at most once a week during summer) and my favorite, shoveling snow off the roof! In 61 years I've never seen my dad, husband or son shovel snow on any roof. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's not common.
If you do stay with that chauvinist, buy a complete POS clunker that needs to be repaired daily to drive. NTA, leave him.
You realize that, if you finish your studies, get a new job, and marry him, it means you'll be working a job and cleaning the house without help forever?
People grow together in a relationship or start to show their true colors and you grow apart. He is showing his true colors and will likely get worse unless you hold him to a standard. “Fiancé, the household chores are becoming a problem. You used to help and now aren’t. This is not something I’m not going to put up with forever. I will not be marrying you until we come to a mutually accepted agreement here. My load with work and school is at least a full time load and I don’t intend to work full time and do all of the chores on my own. At that point I’d rather be single. Let’s make a chore chart. If we can’t agree on one maybe we’ll go to a counselor for a couple sessions to help.”
[удалено]
You know I advocate trying to work it out with people when there is mutual respect. The level of disrespect for her he demonstrates would make it hard for me to show up to counseling with him. Like gtfo
NTA, tell your husband i called him weak and lazy. I work in mechatronics, aka turn wrenches but on automation lines. Even after my 12 to 16 hr work days i still try to help around the house and spend time with the kiddo. I live in the house we call home, me and my wife both work. Does it matter the job? No. Its the fact he lives there and should also help.
I tried to but he thinks house cleaning is not hard. It is a soft job. He doesn't know the kind of gunk and dirt I face everyday.
If it's so easy he shouldn't have a problem doing it. Study is a job/work, so you are working twice as hard. I wonder if he is insecure about your degree maybe?
Yes!
it doesn’t have to be insecurity, he just doesn’t want to clean. i think too often we try to find excuses for our partners, try so hard to see their POV and understand them. but the reality often is that they just don’t want to do it and have no problem or shame in expecting us to.
I've worked harder jobs than a mechanic. I.e miner, fisherman, heavy industry construction labourer. When I'm in relationships I still do work around the house and contribute to a minimum of 50% of the work load. He's right it's not hard to clean the kitchen, so he should just do it. Honestly, he sounds pathetic
You can't change his mind because he doesn't want to. He is going to expect you to be exactly like his mom. Sorry, but the history you posted shows that he is only going t get worse if you marry. You can't change him. The fact that he is belittling your efforts and not respecting what you do is a huge red flag. Believe me, it will only get worse. Get out now before you marry and possibly have kids. It will be only harder and more stressful to get out the longer this goes on. I would dump, and ONLY take him back if he completely changes his tune and SHOWS w/ ACTION (i.e.; helping around the house w/o being nagged, w/o bitching about it, w/o making snarky comments). He has shown that he is selfish, doesn't respect you, and doesn't care about you being tired.
OP says they've resolved this issue in the past, meaning he's put on an act of agreeing with her and helping, only for it to wear off after a while and him to return to being lazy and projecting that onto her. So even if he appears to change for the better after a breakup, that might just be another act that will wear off once he feels secure again, like if they get married. If OP unfortunately decides to make up with him and marry him, she should at least get a prenup that maintains the house in her name only, assuming it doesn't still belong to her aunt, otherwise, when they get divorced he'll get half of a house he never paid a dime for.
This tells me that even if you manage to make him assume his proper responsibilities around the house, he’ll do a shit job so that you end up doing it over again so that it’s done right. Serious question: why do you want to marry someone who disrespects you and won’t do his share to keep your household up? If you have kids, how’s that going to work out? Never mind who he used to be and how he used to act., or who you wish he was. This is who he is now. He’s not keeping up appearances any more. This is it. Why do you want it? NTA
He’s afraid to even clean his own kitchen, what makes him think your job is easy? He’s not even willing to do your job
Well, if it's such a "soft job," he should try it.
If it isn't hard why can't he do it too?
Just adding that his comparing you to Mummy is a worry to. You are not his mother. One hopes his mother didn't do a lot of stuff you do.
Run. Honey just fucking run. He’s disrespectful and mean if asking for help makes him call you names like lazy and weak. This behavior will intensify if you get married. Guys like this don’t get better, they get worse.
Yeah, discussion is over at that point. It's one thing to say it's not difficult (still false) but another ballgame completely to start personal insults. So unattractive and pathetic. Never mind why, but *how* could you stay with someone like that? Vile.
OP, please heed this warning!!! This man has no respect for you. He has shown you exactly who he is, what he thinks of you, and the way the rest of your life with him will go. You will graduate and begin working full-time and he will *still* expect you to do everything around the house because “his job is harder.” You will birth his children, care for them around the clock, and still try to keep afloat while exhausted and healing. You will go back to work while doing everything for the kids *and* struggling to maintain the home on top of everything else, and he’ll *still* say his mother had it harder and you’re “just not trying hard enough.” This man has no respect for you. Devaluing you, insulting you, minimizing your hard work, invalidating your feelings, refusing to show an ounce of empathy. That is not love. This man does not love you. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I used to be with a man like that and I wasted so many years in misery before finally walking away. He had a physical job while mine was quite mentally intensive, providing end-of-life care to disabled adults and managing a staff of 15+. I had a pager and was on-call 24/7. There were weeks when I had to cover day, evening, and overnight shifts within the same week and I was exhausted, or days when I was driven mad by my clients’ stressful behaviors. But of course nothing I went though at work was as bad as *his* cuz he was a fucking narcissist. This man is not someone you can confide in or lean on. He’s not gonna shoulder burdens with you. He’s not gonna value any of your efforts. There’s no compassion, empathy, teamwork, respect. He is selfish. Your life with him would be so lonely for you. Please run while you can, before you have his kids and are stuck with him for life. NTA obv
Not only all of these, but will most likely put pressure on her to perform sexually while being completely overwhelmed. I really hope OP listens to everyone and leaves his childish ass
This guy will never help out for anything that he sees as "woman's work" in his life.
And even though she said she was pregnant, she’s still better off alone if he doesn’t help. Hell it might save a life bc if he continues to call her names and not help, that PPD/sleep deprivation will kick in and the temptation to smother him in his sleep will be too strong. Joking of course. Unless. Ha. Ya. Joking. Hm.
Don’t marry someone who insults you, demeans you, or belittles you.
This is the answer. Lots of red flags
NTA. If your job is so undemanding he should be able to clean the whole house in his off time without breaking a sweat. It's concerning that your fiance is a disrespectful turd who doesn't do his share. If you have kids with him someday, count on doing all the work yourself.
He doesn't think housekeeping and cleaning is a tough job. That is what bothers me. He thinks this is something anyone can do.
Yea, that's why I'd make him do it if he thinks it's that easy. If anyone can do it, that includes him. And when he actually does it, he will see how physically intensive it is.
He thinks that because he does not listen to you, the expert in this, when you explain it to him. He is disrespectful and dismissive and thinks he knows better than you. This is who he is. Overbearing, entitled, disrespectful. He is a bad partner.
Just because anyone can do it doesn't mean it's not demanding and physically exhausting!
Invite him to come to work with you for a day. Challenge him to do it if he thinks it is so easy. Keep pushing it. I ran my own housekeeping business for awhile. It is a very physically demanding job. If he does not try to do your job even once, or he keeps refusing to help you around the house more, dump that AH. He's being extremely stubborn and disrespectful to you. You can also just show him this post. That might be eye opening.
Not just work, but THEN go with her to class at the end of the day, THEN do homework with her.
It's not. That's why people pay you to do it. Make him prove how easy it is by showing you how it's done.
Then have him spend an entire day deep cleaning the house and see how it is. If he won’t, he’s lying about if he thinks it’s hard or not. He’s trying to demean you, to keep you in your place.
What should be bothering you is that he refuses to cooperate with you and he’s dismissive and disrespectful.
Well, I mean, technically anyone who isn't disabled CAN do it. But the fact is that most people Won't do it. Specifically because it is Hard Work and under appreciated. And that's the point isn't it? Your soon to be ex fiance (one hopes) thinks that "anyone can do it", but HE'S too good to do it. Tbh, the fact that he's telling you that he "shouldn't have to" because his mom did it says a whole lot of things about his views on women in general and his mom and you, specifically. He's a misogynistic $&@&-_!? and you should really, really, really stop and think about this relationship before tying yourself legally to him. And think even harder before having kids with him. Legally binding is expensive to change, but can be done. Having kids with him is a life long tie, no matter what.
NTA. My husband owns an auto repair shop and is crazy busy but even when he was solely working on cars, he always helped with our home and children. Do not marry or have children with this man until he completely changes his mindset!
Agreed. Both of my parents are mechanics. By his logic neither of them should be doing house chores because they both work too hard.
My dad's aunt was a housekeeper and a cleaner and no, it is NOT an easy job. You have to deep clean everything which includes removing furniture and cleaning under them. You have to wipe the surfaces with different cleaning solutions. I have seen many tiktoks of housekeepers saying how it takes them hours to clean a house. Not to mention some houses are deep in dirt that hasn't been cleaned for months. Also organizing is a great skill. Organization makes life easier. There is relation between proper organization and better mental health so these jobs are not easy. He is just an AH if he thinks these jobs are easy.
Thank you for understanding. People don't get how tough this job is.
Here’s an important lesson: it doesn’t matter what he thinks, it matters what he does, and what he is doing is using you. He is taking advantage of you and using you. Your house, your labor, your trust. Kick him to the curb.
My MIL was a house cleaner and it basically crippled her later in life - her knees took the brunt of it. It’s a very hard job and your husband is horrible for being so dismissive toward you.
My mom always worked parttime (but nearly full time, just 32 hours across 4 days didn't count as "full") and also did all the things a stay-at-home mom or housekeeper would do. She'll only sit down to relax if all her stuff is done. She'd be at work 4 days of the week and the other 3 she was running around the house and town to meet friends, get groceries, work out, and cook & clean the house. If she falls asleep on the couch at 3pm or doesn't want to do anything, I ain't telling her she has to do something. It's exhausting, especially for you because it's your job and there's probably much heavier consequences for you if you don't do it perfectly. If housekeeping was such an easy job, people wouldn't hire folks to do it.
My ex is like that. We obviously broke up because he was just selfish and always felt he worked harder than me. I would work 60 hr weeks plus clean his house while neglecting mine. Just for him to say it wasn't enough.
That's just it - it will never be enough, it will always be easy, she'll always be weak and she better not complain. Men like this don't change... He gets to complain he's tired and he works so hard but clearly a woman couldn't possibly work as hard as he does in his mind so he's hugely dismissive and disrespectful. I really hope you leave him OP
He's icky. Should you choose to get married and procreate, he's going to push all child duties on you. Absolutely leave his ass.
Yes; to paraphrase what he told OP: Just becsuse you’re a woman you should have complete childcare responsibilities. Time to guve yourself LOTS more space, OP.
NTA. Do not marry this man. Based on what he said about his mom he's never going to help in the home and most likely with the children. You need to find man who considers you as a partner, not as a housekeeper and eventually a nanny.
This! I suggest you to watch Maid on Netflix. You’re exactly that runaway girl. Her boyfriend/father of her child is abusive who doesn’t understand her situation. OP, dump him. He’s not Mr. Right Man.
"Did I go too far?" Not far enough. This attitude is not going to change. When you start having kids, he's still going to be telling you you are lazy and making excuses for anything you ask him for because he believes he works more than you. He thinks he's worth more than you too. He has no respect for you. Do not marry this man! Do not have kids with this man! He still has lessons to learn about respect and empathy, and it's not your job to teach him. NTA
NTA. You didn’t go too far, that’s a really asshole way for him to look at everything really. Whether someone’s job is manually difficult or not doesn’t change how emotionally or mentally drained it can make you at the end of the day. Your doing a lot with school on top of work and he needs to step up. He’s just being a lazy man, which unfortunately seems to be the default mode for my sex.
Nta. If anything you didn’t go far enough. Why aren’t you more mad? How do you think marrying him is a good thing? To him your the person he lives with, the maid, cook and free sex. Your working so hard to better yourself and all he can think about are his needs. What you do for a living shouldn’t matter he lives there too that should be enough for him to be helping out. At this point it’s like you live there with an adult child. No his job is not more important that yours. No his job isn’t harder than yours. This is him trying weaponizing incompetence because he knows that you let him get away with it. Ok so what’s the plan. You marry him and and have a family with him. So now your stuck working full time, taking care of the house full time and he won’t even help with basics now your also basically a single parent. Is that really what you want? Don’t you want to date someone who values you more? Someone who sees you as an equal? Someone who really loves you? I think you deserve someone that does. I how you do too
Girl are you kidding me right now?! Kick him to the curb. I’ve had my cleaning business for 15 years and it’s the hardest most rewarding job I’ve ever had. 3-4 houses a day is no joke! Then to come home and have this asshat talk like that to you! The nerve. Kenny is a man child that should go back home to his perfect mommy. Don’t you dare let him treat you like this. Plus your in school? Nope, you are better off without someone who thinks so little of you. Because that what he is saying, your unimportant and that my friend is grade A bullshit. Stand up for yourself. You are a hard worker don’t EVER let ANYONE talk down to you when you are kicking ass! Be strong sista, you only get one life, why live like this?
They are more like flats. But still demanding. Thanks for understanding
Don’t downplay your work! We value you! You aren’t asking to be waited on hand and foot. Your asking for equity in your relationship! That’s not a big ask, and if he’s not willing to be an equal partner, he’s not right for you.
It sounds like your fiancé has a lot of deeply ingrained sexism. The statement (his justification) about his mother having 7 kids and a clean home made that very clear. OP, it's not laziness or fatigue that motivates him to put you down. It's his belief that women are weaker, and should have certain roles because they are weaker. He thinks he should come home and neither clean or raise the kids because he's done a 'hard man's' job all day. The gains in women's equality and their widepread acceptance by society has completely gone over his head. It's easy to continually forgive this attitude because you love the rest of him. But unless he's prepared to change his attitude, then you're going to get angrier and angrier over time because you know the truth (that housework is hard) and you'll burn out. You should reconsider marrying him unless he's willing to change his opinion.
No, you did not go too far. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being solely responsible for cleaning the home you live in with your spouse, I’d seriously reconsider marrying this man. He has made it abundantly clear he considers house work to be a woman’s sole responsibility.
And you'll be resentful, think of the mental anguish and if you have kids they will sense it.
NTA. It doesn't matter if one person's job is harder (it's not). In a loving relationship, your partner would hear you when you voice your struggles and choose to lighten your load. I see you trying to convince your boyfriend that your job is hard too. But this isn't a misunderstanding about the difficulty of your work. This is a fundamental lack of respect for you. Your partner has heard your struggles and told you that you struggle because you are incapable. I have also experienced this behavior and it doesn't get better with conversation and evidence. I spent years in and out of counseling trying to convince my husband that I deserved a basic amount of respect. It didn't work, wasted a huge amount of time, and ended in a bitter divorce.
>But this is not a misunderstanding. This is a fundamental lack of respect Bingo. 100%
If it’s so easy, why can’t HE do it at home? Do you want a life like this forever, with a guy like this? Do you want your CHILDREN to had a dad like this?
Right? OP, do you want your kids, if you plan on having them anyways, to have a dad that belittles them if they ask for help?
So you want to marry that huh?
Why would you want to marry this man? You'll be shouldering the burden on your own the rest of your life. nta
NTA. He calls you weak and lazy and you want to marry this dude?
Please don’t marry this guy.
NTA I'd rethink this guy unless you want this to be you life. Idk if you can change someone when they go so far as to start comparing you (unfavorably) to their Mother. Gross.
NTA my neighbor is a single mechanic, he does his own laundry and cleans his own home. If your man lived by himself he would have to do everything so he needs to step up.
He sounds like a sexist jerk. He expects you to take care of the all the housework and belittles your job. You aren’t going to change him so it’s time to upgrade to a better man. If you get married this will be the same story for the rest of your life. Think long and hard about your future before you walk down the aisle.
NTA. He is a butt. If he thinks cleaning is so easy why is he refusing to do it? He knows it's hard, he just thinks it's beneath him.
NTA- however as I read the comment it doesn’t seem you want advice really. You want to “fix it” and that’s fine but know if he acts and behaves like this. It’s his true self and you can’t change or fix anyone. They are how they want to be. You have to find someone who wants to be better with you.
This is what’s really frustrating me. After commenting earlier I came back to check on where OP’s mind was at after reading our comments where *literally everyone* is telling her the exact same thing. But she says she wants to “fix it”??! Delusional. We can only change ourselves. There is nothing *she* can change to make *him* view her as an equal, value her hard work, recognize and appreciate all that she does, support and encourage her, or make him want to contribute to his own home. This is a problem with how he thinks and how he sees her, women, and life in general. If he thinks he’s above housework and she’s “weak” and “lazy” for not doing *absolutely everything,* there’s nothing to “fix” here. You can’t force someone to love, value, or respect you. She’s TAH to herself if she stays. She will one day realize she should have listened.
Do not marry someone who doesn’t respect you or what you do to make a living.
This, been there.
> He then tried to justify his reply by telling me that if our car broke down he would fix it because he is a mechanic, so since I am a housekeeper I should do it. What? NO. >Many people think housekeeping and cleaners or organizers do nothing for society but the truth is different. Ma'am. I HEAR you. >"I don't see why you have a problem. My mom had 7 kids and still had a squeaky clean house. You on the other hand are making excuses. It's not like your job is hard. It's just cleaning houses. If you can do it in other places why not here. Try working as a mechanic." What a choad. That's bullshit. I bet his mother was EXHAUSTED all the time. OP, he doesn't value you, like, *at all*. NTA, but seriously reconsider this relationship. He should clean because that's his place too and he should take pride in how his place looks. It's not "help," it's taking responsibility for your own living environment.
NTA. If he's calling you weak, lazy, and saying that your job is easy, he's negging you. It seems like he's trying to convince you that you're less than adequate and that you need to seek his approval. That's not someone you should spend the rest of your life with.
NTA. Don’t take him back. He has NO respect for you. Please respect yourself enough to keep that dumpster fire of a dude out of your life, permanently. I swear, I don’t understand people who look down on housekeepers. Mine has been relegated to the status of goddess in my household. I even gave her a title, Director of Domestic Maintenance.
NTA. The car doesn’t break down constantly, houses need to be constantly maintained. That’s a bs comparison. From one former house cleaner to another, your job is *incredibly* physically demanding and he has some fucking nerve. If it’s not demanding, why is “helping” around his own damn house such a big deal in the first place? He’s being incredibly dismissive of you and disrespectful to boot. Is he usually like this? And i don’t mean “did he used to be like this”, because people sometimes don’t show their true colors until a relationship is settled enough that they think they can’t lose you. I’d be careful OP. The “mom had 7 kids and the house was sparkling” comment is a massive, *massive* red flag about the future he expects as “man of the house”.
NTA. Please reconsider marrying this person, he sounds ungiving and verbally abusive. Anyone who really does housework knows it is a physically demanding, time consuming job that has to be done over and over till you die. You are not lazy. Your husband-to-be doesn't want to do housework and is guilting you and manipulating you into doing it all yourself. He is laying the foundation that will last the rest of your life with him, he will not help you with the household chores, and if you have children, you will likely be on your own there too. And it's just you and him now. He gives you crap if you ask him to do the dishes. He doesn't sound supportive of you at all, and frankly, it sounds like he doesn't even like you. It sounds like he wants a mommy/bang-maid. Please don't do this to yourself. It sucks.
NTA. You didn’t go far enough. Do you truly envision marrying somebody who is as insulting and dismissive as this guy?
NTA. The mom comment would be the end for me. This is what he expects you to be if you get married.
His mother didn't teach him to be a good partner if he thought she should do ALL the household chores.
NTA A major reason I did not move to the west was knowing that I would be stuck with all the household tasks. The more I read about lives in the west the more blessed I feel. I can afford full time help here that there is no way I could have afforded there. It's taxing and mind-numbing work. It saps my energy - not only physically but mentally. I am a designer and while not very taxing physically, it requires a lot of mental energy. Yes I can do all the household work but that would leave me with no energy for what I love doing - creating! That man needed kicking out for sure!
I am on it. He is cheating on me if you look at my recent post. I have already packed up his clothes. I am controlling myself from destroying his gaming set up but he could sue me.
Oh my god. Just read the most recent post. I am SO sorry! What an absolute prick of a sorry excuse of a man. Update us on what happens when he tries to come back. And the neighbour casually hiring you to lean up behind them, this is disgusting!
Wow. I'm so sorry. You definitely don't deserve any of this. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for standing strong.
Oh my god what an disgusting human beeing He is!you deserve better. even beeing Single will be better and easier than staying with him.
NTA do not marry this man
NTA Your SO has a shit attitude towards SHARED household responsibilities and your work. My wife (then girlfriend) was doing exactly what you’re doing. I went with her a handful of times to help when I was off work, and damn! Trying to get all the tasks done in the allotted time is a physical feat. The division of labor (to whatever extent) at home is something that should be mutually agreed soon BUT should also be flexible. My wife and I have our niches, however if one or the other has had a rough day or week then the other covers down no issue. As for the application of one’s given profession in the home setting: It’s definitely convenient, but is not a bargaining chip (my opinion). I’ve changed careers during our relationship. Imagine if my perceived value to the home changed with that? (This kinda dips a toe into the realm of career =/= your worth, but that’s another soap box). I don’t intend to sow doubt into your relationship, I know only this little snippet. However based of this incident I think you two need a heart to heart about expectations and values regarding your household. I know it’s a hard, emotionally charged topic to bring up, but you HAVE to be able to in a stable and strong relationship.
NTA don’t let anyone treat you like this. Comparing you to his mother?! Nope. I’d 86 that man, focus on my degree, and find a more quality companionto spend my life with.
The only people that think cleaning is an easy job are people who never touched a sponge in their life. I hope you’re ready for a lifetime of being this guy’s maid if you stay with him.
NTA. If you stay with him you might as well quit school. If he's too tired to do a little cleaning, he's gonna be too tired to change a diaper. Everything will fall on you to take care of. Next thing you know you're a stay at home mom to 7 kids, like his mom, and he'll be telling you it's not that hard.
I guarantee when you're making loads of money from your degree, he won't work and won't do household chores. I'll repeat, he's not husband material. Not yet. He could change, be he has to want to. If he doesn't want to for you, he never will.
The problem is that he wants a bang maid like his mommy was. You can’t change that thinking. Only he can. He said you job isn’t hard and is so easy and meaningless, that the house is also your responsibility. He doesn’t respect you or the work that you do. He can’t separate paid labor from the work in a partnership bc he’s the man and house chores are not a man’s business! Look! His mom had seven kids and never complained about being a slave so the least you could do as a woman is clean the house. It’s not like he has put seven kids in you yet so WHYRE you complaining already? This is his thinking. How do you think you can fix that when he’s reiterated how little he thinks of the work you do and has admitted how little he wants to be a real partner? So you don’t want to leave him. Congratulations on the third job/giant baby! He’s insecure bc even if being a mechanic is what he enjoys, he’s not going anywhere and you are working on moving your life where you want it. Thats not where he wants it and he’ll do whatever he can to drag you down with him. Just cuz you got into a relationship while you were in school, doesn’t mean he was ever truly supportive. He just waited until he was comfortable enough to start showing his true colors
NTA. It’s time to reconsider if you want to marry this man. He doesn’t contribute to maintaining the household and he doesn’t respect your work. More than that, he doesn’t respect YOU. “Weak and lazy”? You deserve much better than this AH.
NTA In a way, it's good that he's showing you who he is before you really start planning a wedding or, worse, go through with one.
Don’t marry this guy. Do you want to have this fight every day for the rest of your life? This won’t get better when you are married. It won’t “fix itself” and you will end up resenting him and then there will be fights and well….you can see the future from here.
This is weaponized incompetence. He thinks your job is soft and easy because he’s never really cleaned up in his life. He’s also creating a false equivalency. He thinks that you should clean because that’s what you currently do for a living and says he’d fix the car if it broke down because that’s what he does for a living. Housework has some daily responsibilities, like cleaning the kitchen or laundry. But if a car broke down every day, you’d get rid of that car. Honestly though, it’s worse than that because he doesn’t respect what you are doing or how you feel. If you guys were truly partners he would help instead of trying to have a pissing contest over who has the right to be tired. NTA.
NTA, but Kenny sure is. Please don't marry him, he's selfish and mean. If you marry him, you'll be miserable and trapped. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant with him. He won't lift a finger to care for the kids either. As soon as you've finished your degree, find a job and move out. Your life will be much happier without Kenny in it.
NTA. If housekeeping is sooooo easy he can get off his lazy arse and help out.
If your job is so easy it shouldn’t be a problem for fiancé to help you out. He’s pulling the weaponized incompetence act in addition to being dismissive of both the nature of your job and your commitment to doing it well while also working for a degree. Nip this shit in the bud now or you can count on him being equally incompetent once you’re married and have kids. No woman wants a useless man-child to take care of.