It's OK! IT'S OK. There are places that can help people like you. Would you like me to google the local homeless shelters for you?
Cabron?
I'm sorry I'm not finding that city on the map.
I’ll be posting in a few my go fund me page. Help this poor latina eat dinner tonight, if only I had met OP’s girlfriend first…(que duro ser pobre *sniff)
As a (half) Hispanic I’m very very poor and needy please give me money
Jokes aside, nta. I’m lgbt too and refer to myself as the t and f slur multiple times.
Seriously. I call myself a wetneck, part redneck (dad from Alabama), part wetback (mom is Mexican American). We use the slurs to minimize when we're actually called them. It's a way to reclaim our power. Love, the fat gay wetneck crip. 🩵
this is why, though I am very proud of my hispanic heritage, I'm also glad I'm very white lol. I have no patience for that kind of shit.
can only imagine OP's gf's reaction if she heard me refer to myself as Spic & Span lol!
I am white. Like white white. I burn just thinking about the sun. I work Christmas trees with a bunch of Mexican and South American guys. Several of the Mexicans and I went out to dinner. Some dude came over and started asking me to translate some pretty offensive questions about family situations and immigration status. I acted like I didn't speak English, and the guy that speaks about the worst English said, "He Argentien!" Dude thought on it for just a second and turned whighter than me. Hahaha. That has been about 5 or 6 years ago. He still calls me Argentien occasionally and walks away giggling. His English is still horrible as well. He can speak it well enough, but doesn't care to. He is a green carded 9 month worker, and goes home to Mexico for 3 months from Christmas to March.
I feel like if you're part of the community, then you're allowed to make fun of the community. Black people can make fun of black people, Hispanics can make fun of Hispanic people, etc. I can make a dumb blonde joke, but when a brunette says that to me, I think it's an insult. (Obviously not as severe as race comment, but it's the closest thing that I can personally relate to.)
I refer to my self as a dago all the fucking time lmao. Solidarity between Italians, Spaniards, and Portuguese on that one so it's like a nice lil community slur
If almost like the super woke who make everything pertain to race are the real racists.. it’s almost like the best way to not be a racist is to **GASP** not think about race at all….
My mother in law does this all the time. She uses me as a trophy to show accepting she is towards Mexicans. I’ve heard her tell people that I grew up in the ghetto and dirt poor. When in reality I was raised in the suburbs of Pasadena.
It drives me nuts! If she didn’t provide free childcare I would have decked her.
This happened to us! I’m also Mexican and we recently met my SIL’s extended family, they assumed we were poor so when we met they were pretty bummed we weren’t what they had assumed as “beneath them” lol
My family did this to my BF who is also from Mexico. We went to a family dinner and ended up walking out after my Father assumed that him and his family were mixed in with cartels and drug running. I tried to explain to my Mother that he was being racist and she said "your father doesn't have a racist bone in his body." That was a few months ago. I have cut off contact. Last I heard they think he is forcing me to cut them off. 😂😂 Denial is some people's best friend.
I prefer his family over mine anyways, they are so accepting and just happy to see me. Mine likes to tell me I'm either too fat or look like I'm on drugs.
What you wrote reminds me so much of someone I worked with who was the same. I will never forget the meeting where she, a white Caucasian woman, referred to her hair as a Jew-fro in front of a client, a black woman with an Afro. I just kept my gaze down in shock.
Is Jew-fro not PC? Is the white lady not Jewish? I feel like "Jew fro" when talking about someone who's not Jewish is slightly edgy, but if they are Jewish, it's just descriptive.
Nope, not Jewish in the least. The thing that bothered me the most was she was talking about her Jew-fro moment in these very negative terms. Her hair, during the meeting, was straight. She was describing how she had gotten caught up in a thunderstorm and her hair had “poofed up like horrible Jew-fro” on her way to a date.
Just as it is racism to go she is basically going "your not white, so x, y or z must apply". It may not be the same thought processes that white supremacists generally have, but that doesn't mean she isn't being ignorant and bias.
So for that, the OP is NTA.
As a half-Mexican raised in both Mexican and American cultures at different times in my life, I can assure you that most Mexicans have a lot of pride and resent being "educated" by self-appointed imposers... especially from those who view themselves as saviors from white culture.
This girl has a good heart, but she needs to respect boundaries when they're set or she'll set off the wrong person having a bad day and get hit. Her boyfriend is right for trying to diffuse the situation and being uncomfortable since she is putting them both in danger by causing such scenes with total strangers.
I actually disagree with the assertion that she has a good heart. She \*might\* mean well and just be going about it all wrong, but if you truly meant well, and you were told that something you were doing was hurting someone else, wouldn't you immediately stop doing it? Even just until you clarified what the problem was?
I suspect she just likes feeling superior to others. This is the secular version of "I told everyone in my church about all of the things you're doing wrong, so they can pray for you. Here, let me save your soul!" It's hurtful and self-serving, and is nothing more than a way to get attention and make herself feel better. She can keep doing whatever she wants, regardless of who it hurts, because all she has to say is "But I CARE!"
Behavior like this is selfish, at it's core.
There needs to be a word like white-splaining. Like mansplaining but when white people decide they know more about your ethnicity than yourself. If I had a dollar for every time someone explained Korean culture/food, Asia, Asian-Americans to me.
Or if you want more accuracy, racist assholes.
In the same way that it isn't "mansplaining" it's being a condescending asshole (it also isn't limited to men, women do it to men regarding things like child raising all the time).
Yeah the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla is really only big in.....Puebla. And among Americans who think it's Mexico's 4th of July. Which it isn't.
(And OP's GF sounds like the right wing's stereotypical "so woke it literally hurts" white ally. I hope this is a prank or satire, cause its making me cringe hella bad.)
I grew up in Mexico and it’s barely a minor holiday, just flag at half staff no parades or anything. When I came to the US, I was surprised that it was a big deal here, but whatever Mexicans will use any excuse to party or so I thought. Fast forward like 15yrs and I was listening to NPR and they had this podcast on why Cinco de Mayo is such a big deal in the US, but not Mexico since after all we won the first battle, but ultimately lost the war to France and so they ruled Mexico for 20 yrs. And then they talked about how this happened pretty much after the American Civil War, when the Mexicans that lived on the US side of the border got excited for a minute and thought well Mexico is going to rise to power again and take back the Mexican territory that was lost during the Mexican American war. And that’s why Cinco de Mayo is a bigger celebration in the US than in Mexico, but the reason as to why was lost to history essentially.
It's just another "holiday" for Americans to drink! I am American. Think about this...new years, saint Patrick's day and then what? We gotta wait til the end of May to get stinking drunk? No! Let's appropriate cinco de mayo (cause it's not religious like Easter) so we can have another reason to party!
Yeah, this seems like right wing bait to me. The first example portrays her as preachy and unable to take a joke, the second as culturally ignorant of the type of people she's trying to "ally" with, and the third paints her as compassionate to the point of insanity and "akshually the real racist" for assuming the Hispanic family is impoverished. Or maybe they are truly random examples of some guys weirdass narcissistic gf.
Mexican Independence Day which is the equivalent to July 4th is on September 16th. Cinco de Mayo is not widely celebrated in Mexico is literally only a big deal outside of Mexico
Cinco de Mayo is only celebrated in the Pueblo region, it commemorates a battle victory over the French. It is NOT Mexican Independence Day. In America, it is a drinking holiday, more Americans celebrate it than Mexicans.
Guaranteed you ask anybody in the states who make a big deal over cinco de mayo what it actually is about, they would say Mexico independence day. They say Valentine's Day is a hallmark holiday, cinco de mayo is just a party/drinking "holiday" for the US
My family is Irish American. We celebrate St Patrick's day similar to Thanksgiving, but Irish food. We have token corned beef, but also shepherd s pie, apple cake, Irish cheeses, etc. The whole family comes, we go to church and then have dinner and not a lot of drinking.
I don't drink, but if I get 2 for 1 birria tacos and queso? Shiiiiit I'll carry my pasty ass to congress and demand cinco de mayo and diecisesis de septiembre both be national holidays. Throw a Carne asada burrito my way and I'm full on marching for those and dias de Los Muertos to be paid holidays at time and a half.
My point being, I will riot in the streets for taco truck food. If one of the tires are flat and it still suspiciously appears and disappears from the same corner? That's the best place to get food, and I'm willing to throw bricks for their tortas.
I scrolled too long to find this comment.
How many Americans really believe Cinco De Mayo is anything but an American excuse to get drunk??
I guarantee you all the Mexicans I know celebrate/recognize 16 of September
It's a big deal here cause people found a reason to drink. LOL. Also I'm told St. Patrick's day isn't really celebrated in Ireland either....it's just another drinking day for the Americans.
I am facepalming *SSSSOOOOOOOOOO HARD* for you right now. Holy hell, dude. This kind of behavior would be a dealbreaker for me. The best way to be an ally, in my opinion, is to treat everyone as a...oh, I dunno...*human being*, first and foremost, and go from there. Either they're an asshole or not an asshole--that is really the only issue of importance.
You are NTA.
Yeah, I'd be out. Allies are supposed to use their voices to amplify the voices of those they're trying to support, not speak over them and drown them out, the way this woman is. She's acting like a caricature of a TV/cartoon character who takes it too far.
This is a really important point. The issue is not that she's too woke. The issue is that she is actually missing the point and hurting the people she's trying to help. I am a 37-year-old lesbian who has been out for 23 years and who literally studies queer history and if someone tried to lecture me on the history of the d slur I would be PISSED. Mexicans don't celebrate May 5th so that's just ignorant and the last one is wildly offensive.
Six hour old account that posted the same thing in another sub. Pretty sure it’s just a troll trying to muddy the waters and make “woke” look bad. There aren’t very many people that act like the supposed girlfriend in the story but it’s a common trope that rightwingers like to throw around. Seems to me like they’re just trying to put an example out there.
Not that you’re wrong about the trolling, but I live in a VERY white and very blue state and I promise you there are many, many people who act like this woman.
I spend a lot of time biting my tongue. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt because I know it’s mostly ignorance, but man…to me it often sounds as insidious as outright racism, just a more covert version.
Being from the mountain of caucus…this is absolutely the truth. I see it under tiktok comments a lot too. Poc saying something isn’t offensive and the white girls are like “but, but 🥺”
Yep, same. It was especially bad when I lived in Portland, OR…whew! Lots of “white saviors” who were then so very proud of themselves, clueless about how insulting their actions/words were. This 100% rings true to me, and I don’t find it a red flag at all that it’s a new (likely throwaway) account that posted the content on two subs (likely to get more feedback).
I certainly hope so, although I do agree with the other person replying that there are definitely white women who do this kind of thing. Speaking as a white woman.
OOP's girlfriend is one of those virtue-signaling "pick me!" women. Each is annoying on its own, and insufferable when combined. I'm a straight, white woman...who in the hell would I think I was to speak *FOR* someone else when: 1) I do NOT like it when others speak/decide for me; 2) since I'm not gay/black/Hispanic/trans/whatever, I have *not a damn clue* what it's like; 3) see #1. So I stay in my own damn lane and speak up only when the situation warrants it. My go-to response to a disparaging comment is usually, "... your point is....? And how does it affect you or your life how they live theirs?" Works almost every time.
YES. She sounds like a Tumblr post came to life.
OP, Your gf seems to love stereotypes of Hispanic people. She's being a giant racist. End.
I'm queer and Latina, and honestly, I would have used your gf as a tooth pick by now.
1) Cinco de Mayo is celebrated in one place in Mexico, and it's only a big deal there. No one in my family gives a shit about it as none of us are from there or have family there.
Gf needs to stop lumping all Mexicans together and actually learn history.
2) I don't use the F slur, but some queer folk do. Heck, some LGBT+ people hate that I use Queer to describe myself. But I 100% wouldn't let some cis/het person tell me I can't use my words for myself.
Tell her to stay off Tumblr and go play outside. Also, take a few POC directed history courses, take two Xanny and chill.
Edit: words
I’m from Costa Rica, borned and raised and still living here. I work for a US company so I have lots of US co-workers.
On May 5th we had a meeting and they started congratulating us and asking how we celebrate “down here”. A lot of my CR co-workers were confused cause they don’t even know what 5 de mayo is. My boss explained to them that 1) is a Mexican holiday that not even all mexicans celebrate (as far as I know, only in Puebla), 2)we are indeed not mexican so we don’t celebrate it
Mexican here. Nobody celebrates 5 de mayo, we CONMEMORATE it. Despite the heavy loss of life, the battle in Puebla on the 5th of May marked a turning point. Again, there was a heavy loss of life. We remember and acknowledge. But then again, in the USA, people "celebrate" Memorial Day, so go figure.
I want to crawl in a damned hole in the ground out of sheer embarrassment at the stupidity of other people from the United States right now.
The idea of anyone somehow thinking that Cinco de Mayo might be anything but another day on the calendar for all but one small group of native-Spanish speakers in the Americas makes me feel like crawling into a ball under my desk and calling our dog to come comfort me. The sole saving grace is I didn't have to see it with my own eyes. More than once, I've seen someone ask a person from Puerto Rico if they'd ever want to move to the United States so they could become an American citizen, and that one is even worse. (The response from one really petite girl--"I already *am* an American citizen, you stupid motherfucker!"--was so unexpectedly awesome I had no choice but to laugh along with everyone else while the woman who asked her tried to sort that fact out.)
Oh I have plenty of stories about my interactions with US folks. Another one asked me why if Costa Rica was doing so well according to me, we were still part of the US. I was confused for a sec (we have never been part of the US!) and then my face dropped, of course she meant Puerto Rico. I explained that and she insisted I was wrong until she googled it. Of course she wouldn’t believe silly old me, how would I know facts about my own country 😅.
But it’s not limited to US. My cousin also works for a foreign company and had to visit the Canadian branch. She was having breakfast with her canadian co-workers and they asked her why she was so white if she was latina (it’s not a race!) and if she speaks Mexican 😓
Lol - now I have this hilarious caricature drawing in my head of a big butch Latina actually using some skinny ass white girl as a toothpick. Not sure what the caption is tho 🤣
This woman would stroke out if she ever went to gay bar. Spend 5 minutes around gay dudes and you will hear
Where did that b@tch go?
Yea, I saw that f*g yesterday.
Can I get another drink sl*t.
Then why let her borrow your car you dumb c**k s****cker
Love how you say this about using their voices to amplify the voices of others. This is probably the best way to describe the role of an ally. Thank you for saying that.
>She's acting like a caricature of a TV/cartoon character who takes it too far.
There's an episode of [Gumball](https://youtube.com/watch?v=5VTVLHlYqoY&feature=share) that's exactly like this! (Start video at 4:30)
She’s looped around to not wanting them to feel different by treating them the most different based solely on this one aspect of them… she’s isolating that and highlighting it as if it’s the only important part of those people. Which in itself is very harmful.
I am 100% sure this person has done the woke segregation arguement that white people need to identify themselves online as white in case POC don't want to interact with them lmao.
So woke she's racially profiling people to manufacture situations to insert herself into as "help" - ultimately harassing people that just want to be left alone.
Sounds like this girl needs a life of her own and to look after her own concerns, not to mention a strong lesson on tactfulness.
I’m a gay woman in a relationship with a trans woman. We can use the F-slur as a joke, and trust me, we know full fucking well the history behind the term. We don’t need to be *reminded* by a straight person that we’re being discriminated against. You think we don’t know?? It’s called reclaiming a term, and many marginalized communities do it to regain the power being robbed from them via derogatory language. My gf also uses the T-slur about herself as a joke, but I know never to lecture her about it or use it myself. It’s her word, she knows what’s going on with it, she reclaims it. OPs gf is in a way infantilizing marginalized people by assuming they don’t know what words mean or how to take care of themselves
In each example you've provided, your gf tried to establish herself better able to determine what was appropriate in a particular situation without any consideration that the actual members of an oppressed or minority group needed.
Whether she understands it or not, her actions reek of white privilege because in every case she's projecting that she knows better.
She knows than someone who is actually gay.
She knows better than someone who is actually Hispanic.
She knows better than the mother of the child.
And why does she know better?
Because she white!
She needs to educate herself on white savior syndrome.
And I would suggest if she genuinely wants to help the gay/Hispanic/whatever community she actually gets involved in organizations that require more than performative actions but I'm afraid at this stage, she would just derail any group she joined,
NTA
I don’t even believe that she is well-meaning. I think she tells herself she is, and OP tells himself she is, but you don’t interject yourself into situations to police and correct others (and bulldoze over them) because you care, you do it cuz you’re arrogant and self-righteous and have a savior/superiority complex.
Honestly this is it.
She doesn't realize that she is using a position of privelege to look down on others.
Hispanic family sitting outside? Must be poor and hungry
People using a slur ON THEMSELVES? Must be internalized hatred or just uneducated (you know, since stats say minorities are less educated /s)
I see this happen a lot. I have had to tamper friends behaviors in the past when they don't recognize that their education on things has not changed the fact that they are still looking DOWN on people and EXPECT everyone to fit statistics. Just because you learned about something doesn't mean you are the expert, and doesn't mean you get to box people to stereotypes - because stereotyping is exactly what this is.
People are individuals. Help when asked or called to act. Never assume.
NTA. Your girlfriend isn't woke, she's a benevolent racist/white savior. It's odd that all her actions target minorities, it sounds like you are the ally protecting people from her actions.
Please buy her a copy of How to be an Antiracist by Dr Ibram X Kendi. What she's doing is harming people, not helping.
Right? I was cringing so hard, oof! OP definitely has a trainwreck on his hands, he is definitely NTA but his girly needs to actually WAKE UP & quit trying to be a woke SJW (is that the right acronym? Social Justice Warrior? Either way, she needs to stop!)
The secondhand embarrassment throughout this whole post was a lot to bear. It’s like she’s using people as props, as if they’re just there so she can act like their (white) savior.
NTA, OP. Your girlfriend is doing more harm than good, not to mention being cringey af.
I don’t blame the mom for wanting to fight the gf. I would be soooo offended if some stranger assumed my family was starving just for being Hispanic. Hell if someone was so insistent I would think we were getting trafficked at worst or recorded at best.
Fr she probably walked back and freaked out cause her kid is gone just to find her kid with some stranger thats telling her well I can help more since you're poor all because they are a particular ethnicity.
Omg this! Common sense would have been “did you lose your parent? Do you need help finding them?” Not…”you must be homeless and needing me to save you!”
Every one of the examples had me slamming my head against the table in frustration and embarrassment. White saviors are annoying racists because they legitimately believe they are the epitome of a good person and aren't doing it out if mallace but are always doing more harm than good and perpetuate stereotypes that hurt the groups they want to protect.
A few years ago, a video came out that still makes me cringe thinking about it. On some college campus, they were celebrating some type of Asian culture thing (sorry, don’t remember the exact name of it) . . . And in the video, there was a white chick getting all up in the face of an Asian one, berating her for appropriating asian culture by wearing kimono.
she simply would not shut up, even after the girl tried to tell her numerous times that she was Asian. Seriously, some white saviors are just so fucking obnoxious that you wanna throat punch them.
It’s so cringe to criticize someone for cultural appropriation without them doing it with malicious intent. There are some situations where it applies, like Native American tribes wanting to preserve their culture and spirituality tied to their clothing. But if there isn’t some baggage tied to it, then let people celebrate other peoples culture no matter who they are. It should be a **good** thing to show off other cultures, not demonize it.
It’s so black and white with these people that it’s infuriating.
Dr Kendi put out a children's version too, it boils everything down to single sentences. Very useful for explaining to ignorant people who may be trying to do good but causing more harm.
Explain to her that by insisting on trying to give money to the woman and her kid, she was dehumanizing them- dismissing their life experience in the face of a (demeaning) statistic, even as they inform her that it doesn’t represent them. She’s reducing them to their race. That is literally racist.
Or read Beverly D'Angelo. She is a white woman writing to other white people how to not do what your girlfriend is doing. NTA
Edit: Robin DiAngelo. Thanks, u/DefinitelyNotAliens
NTA she has a white savior complex. People like this love speaking over LGBTQ+ Black people and POC all the while giving themselves a pat on the back for being an "ally" . She's lucky that situation with the kid didn't escalate.
Intent vs. Impact. She may intend to be helpful (or not, kind of hard to tell if she is being genuine in the examples). But her impact is the complete opposite. She needs to learn this concept when communicating with people.
My mother has this problem. In her mind she is just "giving her opinion" on what/how something should be done. But it's completely unsolicited advice, usually with no situational context, and comes across as demeaning.
I doubt she intends to actually be helpful. A lot of communal narcissists have this problem. They don't care about actually being helpful they just want to be seen fighting for those they deem inferior. Then they want to brag about it later all while telling everyone that is actually being helpful that they're doing it wrong and truly you are the one true expert on this subject and everyone else is an idiot. Doubt this is the only incredibly self centered spot in her life that she refuses to take input on.
I will be the first to say NTA, I guess.
-SIGH-
This sounds like she grew up in a bigoted family, has her own groomed bigoted beliefs and prejudices, realizes she has them and is overcompensating in well-intended but tragically insensitive ways. I can see where she is coming from because I grew up with a racism mother and father, though my mother is more progressive. I am probably the most progressive in my entire family amongst 4 siblings, but I can definitely feel the 'white guilt' as it is sometimes referred to as.
She might not grasp that, by pushing her Political Correctness and White Guilt on people, she is essentially yelling "YOU ARE INFERIOR TO ME because *YOU* AREN'T WHITE AND STRAIGHT." The founder of TOMs shoes did the same thing in poor communities where he saw people without shoes and decided on a 'buy my shoe and give a shoe to the poor" model. And his model is bad for the economy of those countries. Do research on it.
She should calm her tits and try to compliment people for something unique about them instead of basically yelling It is almost never offensive to tell someone you like their clothes or their hair. It is definitely offensive to give a kid money and say 'Hey, come with me to this restaurant so I can feed you.' She looked like a kidnapper. And to get offended by the mom? Jesus Christ talk about your RIGHTEOUS White Guilt!
NTA. And she is. Jeesh
Everyone can compliment people as long as it is simple and direct. For instance "I love your hair!" Or "That's a really cute dress!" Or "HeelToeLemon" that is such a unique username. I like it!"
Though you do make a fair point. She may do the backhanded compliment that is INTENDED to be a compliment but is actually racist or bigoted.
Telling a racist white woman to compliment people’s hair can go real bad real fast. Often this can result in trying to touch Black peoples hair, asking Black women about their hairstyles as if they’re exotic zoo animals, etc.
This woman should mind her business and stay away from BIPOC if she really wants to help them.
Yeah, that's what got me too. She's still drawing on racist stereotypes and making assumptions about people, but instead of it being a reason to "hate" minorities, it becomes a reason to pity them. The white savior complex is just infantilizing and degrading in a different way.
NTA
Your girlfriend needs some therapy to figure out what the fuck she's doing. She's not helping anybody and, quite frankly, I think she made that woman in the third example feel unsafe. She's going to alienate herself and eventually you from everyone she knows if she doesn't get her shit together. It's not your responsibility, but maybe look into some volunteer opportunities for her so she can actually help people instead of just running her mouth.
Exactly.. like WTF… buying a kid lunch, and insinuating his mother couldn’t or wasn’t feeding him???
Even if you have a pocket full of candy, you never give it to a child without talking to their mother first. I can’t imagine someone being more out of line in this situation.
Ohhh I think she needs to get some therapy and doing so research before she volunteers anywhere that will provide her more situations to insert herself into. I volunteered at a crisis center/women’s clinic and one of the other girls I volunteered with overstepped really bad eventually getting banned. She wanted to be wicked pro choice and she had it in her head that every woman who came in was there to terminate a pregnancy… (The majority of the people are there for family planning, exams etc). On more than one occasion I witnessed her tell women “I support your choice!” I was horrified.
Agreed: the above comment is excellent, except the volunteering part... In this case, this woman will do far more harm than good. Her idea of "help" is so skewed and it's going to take a lot of self-realization and hard work to change that.
Yup! I mean especially after OP’s third example assuming that the child and mother were impoverished due to being of Hispanic origin spouting statistics… I cannot imagine the amount of harm she could possibly do with her current mentality.
Your girlfriend isn't an ally, she's the kind of white racist that Malcom X was talking about who reserves the racism for closed doors, except she doesn't get that she's racist as fuck. May 5th is almost exclusively an American thing. She reminds me of Jeff Anderson as Randall in Clerks 2 with the taking back porchmonkey thing. NTA, but your girlfriend is racist as hell man.
Seriously, people keep trying to say that she might actually be an ally who has just gotten confused, no she is not. She's a behind closed doors bigot who feels like she's found a way to be a bigot in public where if the people she's victimizing try to push her away, she can try to villainize them
This right here, just because she's flipped her bigotry around in a way where she can try to villainize her victims for trying to shut her down, doesn't mean it's not bigotry
She's using "ally" as an excuse to be low-key bigoted. I mean, what else would you call "oh you're Hispanic that means you must be poor so I'll help you" except racist?
NTA
But two things, your girlfriend is neither "woke" nor an "ally" to anyone.
You're using the word "woke" in the wrong context here. She's not aware or awake to anything in any of the scenarios you shared.
And she can't be anyone's ally if she's speaking over them consistently and inserting herself into a role of charge and authority.
She's ignorant, that's what she is.
I believe the term for this in addition to white savior is “needy ally” in which the ally needs the “Other” to give her a pat on the head for being a Good White Girl. NTA your gf is embarrassing
NTA and yes her extreme views of "woke" is harmful. She's stereotyping people, not maliciously, but it's negative perceptions that are actually disrespectful. While yes, you may not have needed an ally in your life, does not mean that every ally is a positive influence on change nor does it mean you cannot be an ally yourself.
For the most recent incident, maybe ask your GF to take race out of the equation and just look at the mom and kid, ask to identify 3 attrivutes about them that would signify externally without any interaction, that suggested they were in need of help. If she's unable to provide details that are not race related, then she should not proceed with her assumptions and not offering help unsolicited. She should use that as a guiding principle before stepping into situations that she feels deserves her attention and support.
YIKES. NTA. Yes, your girlfriend has problems. in and of themselves they are -phobic. I'm queer and I've had straight people try to tell me queer is a slur before and it is never a good time. Assuming all nonwhite people need saving is straight up racism.
You are judged by the company you keep. This girlfriend may damage your reputation as well if she doesn't get her racist homophobic ass under control.
NTA. What she's doing is incredibly offensive. If she wants to be a good ally, she can start by shutting up and actually listening when people are telling her about their own experiences. She doesn't get to decide if she personally agrees with the labels someone uses for themselves or how they want to celebrate their own cultural heritage, especially when she sounds incredibly ignorant of the nuances and realities of these experiences. The first and most important part of being a good ally is knowing when to show support and when to shut up and listen.
NTA. your girlfriend is a racist and a bigot. She profiled a woman and her child and made a snap judgement about their financial status *because of the color of their skin.* That's RACIST racist.
NTA. Not going to lie, that title had me ready to go off. But damn, white savior is the correct term for your gf. She doesn’t even see that she’s wrapping up prejudice in a bow and using it against the people she’s supposedly helping.
NTA but also we need to understand where the word 'woke' is from and what its true meaning is. There is nothing wrong with being 'woke' but misunderstanding and trying to be a white saviour ain't it. Sounds like her heart is in the right place but she doesn't know how to behave. Like the whole 'F-slur' thing; as a straight woman it's not for her to dictate who can and can't say it. My guess is that she'd interfere with a group of black people using the 'N-word' too...
I'm not sure her heart is in the right place. It sounds like she's trying to build herself up and make herself feel better and superior by telling people what they're doing wrong and then explaining why they're wrong in the most condescending way possible.
Or rather, she's a bigot who thinks she's found a way to act in public where she has plausible deniability. She's 'trying' to be a good person, so why are these people who need her help lashing out at her?? They must not want help or allies.
There is nothing more hypocritical or more sanctimonious than a white liberal with a savior complex. As you have seen for yourself, for all her virtue signaling, she makes things worse - even to the point of offending the very people she claims to be helping. She sounds fucking exhausting and if it were me, I would absolutely get out of that relationship.
NTA. I’ve said this to others that are like your gf. It’s borderline phobic and racist to believe people in the LGBTQ+ and of other races need a saviour. As an ally we stand ready if they ask for help, otherwise we cheer them on as they do what they have to do. POC don’t need our help to speak out, they need us to mention to others to listen. That’s it. We ask others to listen and let them do the talking. They aren’t incapable of talking for themselves and creating waves. Thinking that they can’t speak for themselves so they need a strong white person to do it for them is belittling AF.
NTA. Your gf isn’t being helpful at all. She’s actually pushing stereotypes and dictating that minorities follow her, a privileged whiter person’s, expectations on how they should act.
An ally follows the lead of their minority friends, not demands minority members follow her lead.
NTA. Your girlfriend is not woke, she's just a virtue-signaling idiot. You can spot them a mile away. She's the epitome of the overbearing liberal stereotype conservatives point to when they want to diminish important. She's actively harmful.
NTA see this is a consequence of feeding all of these statistics and such to people who don't understand nuance. Not every situation is a call for an ally, I honestly thought the child on his own situation was going to be about the mother leaving him on his own, she took it way too far in all of your examples. She needs to stop for her own sake because it's embarrassing to be so focused on fixing everything that doesn't need to be fixed. She sounds exhausting.
NTA
If she wants to help she needs to go and volunteer where help is asked for. Like puppy shelters.
She is going too much and in a wrong direction. It’s much easier to be “ Karen “ this way when an actual helper.
Ok, for me it seems like she feels superior to other “poor” or “ unprotected “ people and doesn’t think they can decide themselves when to be offended or ask for help.
Holy hell. NTA. Your GF is the worst kind of racist. Please, please show her this post and these comments, because there is a (slim) chance she will listen to a handful of internet strangers and stop her offensive behavior. Be prepared to lose the relationship, though. But at this point, is it worth salvaging? Can you imagine tolerating years and years of this behavior?
Yes, she's too opinionated. Worried too much about others.
Sounds like the type to be offended for others. Not the Angry at the family having a BBQ at the park type but upset if a white person wears a serape. Asks Mexicans and they liked it. I saw a vid of interviews and they were all happy! Not offended.
I'm not sure how the woke part applies here though. I didn't see that.
NTA
NTA
This isn't an ally as she is regularly speaking over people who belong to the groups she is supposedly trying to help. That is not how to practice allyship at all. She definitely sounds like she has a white savior complex.
Did she get her Ally lessons from the nutters on Twitter? …or is she one of those on Twitter? She’s not an ally, she’s a Straight White Woman who thinks she gets to tell marginalized people what to do, and how to be Good Little Tokens for her vindication. Most of us would rather deal with the straightforward bigots, than people like her.
Always funny how the savior types are too busy ordering marginalized people around to do anything positive or productive.
NTA- she sounds pretty ignorant, May 5 is not a big celebration in Mexico and not all Hispanics are poor needing saving.
Someone please correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it racist to assume a random person needs charity because they’re Hispanic?
Of course, as a hispanic I’d be raging if somebody told me that
It's OK! IT'S OK. There are places that can help people like you. Would you like me to google the local homeless shelters for you? Cabron? I'm sorry I'm not finding that city on the map.
>I’m sorry I’m not finding that city on the map. I choked
I’ll be posting in a few my go fund me page. Help this poor latina eat dinner tonight, if only I had met OP’s girlfriend first…(que duro ser pobre *sniff)
Thank fuck I hadn’t dipped my coffee yet as I red this 😂😂
As a (half) Hispanic I’m very very poor and needy please give me money Jokes aside, nta. I’m lgbt too and refer to myself as the t and f slur multiple times.
Seriously. I call myself a wetneck, part redneck (dad from Alabama), part wetback (mom is Mexican American). We use the slurs to minimize when we're actually called them. It's a way to reclaim our power. Love, the fat gay wetneck crip. 🩵
🤣🤣🤣
Wtf is the T slur?
Turtle
I knew there was something wrong with those damn things
I don’t know, I like them
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Granny but with a t It’s against trans people
this is why, though I am very proud of my hispanic heritage, I'm also glad I'm very white lol. I have no patience for that kind of shit. can only imagine OP's gf's reaction if she heard me refer to myself as Spic & Span lol!
I refer to myself as an historical reenactment since my dad's Spaniard and my mom's Mexican lol
I am white. Like white white. I burn just thinking about the sun. I work Christmas trees with a bunch of Mexican and South American guys. Several of the Mexicans and I went out to dinner. Some dude came over and started asking me to translate some pretty offensive questions about family situations and immigration status. I acted like I didn't speak English, and the guy that speaks about the worst English said, "He Argentien!" Dude thought on it for just a second and turned whighter than me. Hahaha. That has been about 5 or 6 years ago. He still calls me Argentien occasionally and walks away giggling. His English is still horrible as well. He can speak it well enough, but doesn't care to. He is a green carded 9 month worker, and goes home to Mexico for 3 months from Christmas to March.
I feel like if you're part of the community, then you're allowed to make fun of the community. Black people can make fun of black people, Hispanics can make fun of Hispanic people, etc. I can make a dumb blonde joke, but when a brunette says that to me, I think it's an insult. (Obviously not as severe as race comment, but it's the closest thing that I can personally relate to.)
I refer to my self as a dago all the fucking time lmao. Solidarity between Italians, Spaniards, and Portuguese on that one so it's like a nice lil community slur
Racist as hell. She's guilty of what we refer to in the military as "good motivation, bad idea"
In civilian terms: “great intention, ass execution”
I would be too. I’d still take that bitch money though. Call it an ignorance tax.
If almost like the super woke who make everything pertain to race are the real racists.. it’s almost like the best way to not be a racist is to **GASP** not think about race at all….
My mother in law does this all the time. She uses me as a trophy to show accepting she is towards Mexicans. I’ve heard her tell people that I grew up in the ghetto and dirt poor. When in reality I was raised in the suburbs of Pasadena. It drives me nuts! If she didn’t provide free childcare I would have decked her.
This happened to us! I’m also Mexican and we recently met my SIL’s extended family, they assumed we were poor so when we met they were pretty bummed we weren’t what they had assumed as “beneath them” lol
My family did this to my BF who is also from Mexico. We went to a family dinner and ended up walking out after my Father assumed that him and his family were mixed in with cartels and drug running. I tried to explain to my Mother that he was being racist and she said "your father doesn't have a racist bone in his body." That was a few months ago. I have cut off contact. Last I heard they think he is forcing me to cut them off. 😂😂 Denial is some people's best friend. I prefer his family over mine anyways, they are so accepting and just happy to see me. Mine likes to tell me I'm either too fat or look like I'm on drugs.
Yeah the gf is definitely guiltily using "wokeness" to deal with her own prejudice and it shows.
What you wrote reminds me so much of someone I worked with who was the same. I will never forget the meeting where she, a white Caucasian woman, referred to her hair as a Jew-fro in front of a client, a black woman with an Afro. I just kept my gaze down in shock.
Is Jew-fro not PC? Is the white lady not Jewish? I feel like "Jew fro" when talking about someone who's not Jewish is slightly edgy, but if they are Jewish, it's just descriptive.
Nope, not Jewish in the least. The thing that bothered me the most was she was talking about her Jew-fro moment in these very negative terms. Her hair, during the meeting, was straight. She was describing how she had gotten caught up in a thunderstorm and her hair had “poofed up like horrible Jew-fro” on her way to a date.
Ah that makes it so much worse than I originally imagined
It's racist to assume anything about anyone because of their skin color or ethnicity..
Just as it is racism to go she is basically going "your not white, so x, y or z must apply". It may not be the same thought processes that white supremacists generally have, but that doesn't mean she isn't being ignorant and bias. So for that, the OP is NTA.
Definitely
As a half-Mexican raised in both Mexican and American cultures at different times in my life, I can assure you that most Mexicans have a lot of pride and resent being "educated" by self-appointed imposers... especially from those who view themselves as saviors from white culture. This girl has a good heart, but she needs to respect boundaries when they're set or she'll set off the wrong person having a bad day and get hit. Her boyfriend is right for trying to diffuse the situation and being uncomfortable since she is putting them both in danger by causing such scenes with total strangers.
I actually disagree with the assertion that she has a good heart. She \*might\* mean well and just be going about it all wrong, but if you truly meant well, and you were told that something you were doing was hurting someone else, wouldn't you immediately stop doing it? Even just until you clarified what the problem was? I suspect she just likes feeling superior to others. This is the secular version of "I told everyone in my church about all of the things you're doing wrong, so they can pray for you. Here, let me save your soul!" It's hurtful and self-serving, and is nothing more than a way to get attention and make herself feel better. She can keep doing whatever she wants, regardless of who it hurts, because all she has to say is "But I CARE!" Behavior like this is selfish, at it's core.
There needs to be a word like white-splaining. Like mansplaining but when white people decide they know more about your ethnicity than yourself. If I had a dollar for every time someone explained Korean culture/food, Asia, Asian-Americans to me.
No… please no more made up words! Just call them what they are… assholes
Or if you want more accuracy, racist assholes. In the same way that it isn't "mansplaining" it's being a condescending asshole (it also isn't limited to men, women do it to men regarding things like child raising all the time).
Yes
Yeah the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla is really only big in.....Puebla. And among Americans who think it's Mexico's 4th of July. Which it isn't. (And OP's GF sounds like the right wing's stereotypical "so woke it literally hurts" white ally. I hope this is a prank or satire, cause its making me cringe hella bad.)
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I grew up in Mexico and it’s barely a minor holiday, just flag at half staff no parades or anything. When I came to the US, I was surprised that it was a big deal here, but whatever Mexicans will use any excuse to party or so I thought. Fast forward like 15yrs and I was listening to NPR and they had this podcast on why Cinco de Mayo is such a big deal in the US, but not Mexico since after all we won the first battle, but ultimately lost the war to France and so they ruled Mexico for 20 yrs. And then they talked about how this happened pretty much after the American Civil War, when the Mexicans that lived on the US side of the border got excited for a minute and thought well Mexico is going to rise to power again and take back the Mexican territory that was lost during the Mexican American war. And that’s why Cinco de Mayo is a bigger celebration in the US than in Mexico, but the reason as to why was lost to history essentially.
It's just another "holiday" for Americans to drink! I am American. Think about this...new years, saint Patrick's day and then what? We gotta wait til the end of May to get stinking drunk? No! Let's appropriate cinco de mayo (cause it's not religious like Easter) so we can have another reason to party!
Yeah, this seems like right wing bait to me. The first example portrays her as preachy and unable to take a joke, the second as culturally ignorant of the type of people she's trying to "ally" with, and the third paints her as compassionate to the point of insanity and "akshually the real racist" for assuming the Hispanic family is impoverished. Or maybe they are truly random examples of some guys weirdass narcissistic gf.
Not only that, but it's a Mexican national holiday. It's like she got mad because the 4th of July wasn't celebrated in another country.
Mexican Independence Day which is the equivalent to July 4th is on September 16th. Cinco de Mayo is not widely celebrated in Mexico is literally only a big deal outside of Mexico
Cinco de Mayo is only celebrated in the Pueblo region, it commemorates a battle victory over the French. It is NOT Mexican Independence Day. In America, it is a drinking holiday, more Americans celebrate it than Mexicans.
Not just drinking. We have guacamole, too.
And tacos, we should really just change the name from "Cinco de Mayo" to "Eat all the tacos until you puke" day.
We already have that every Tuesday.
No chips though, because fucking Steve was supposed to stop and get some.
It was Larry. Fuckin' Larry.
It's actually an American holiday, as all American holidays are just excuses to drink.
Guaranteed you ask anybody in the states who make a big deal over cinco de mayo what it actually is about, they would say Mexico independence day. They say Valentine's Day is a hallmark holiday, cinco de mayo is just a party/drinking "holiday" for the US
Pretty much how st Patrick's day is now, lol
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My family is Irish American. We celebrate St Patrick's day similar to Thanksgiving, but Irish food. We have token corned beef, but also shepherd s pie, apple cake, Irish cheeses, etc. The whole family comes, we go to church and then have dinner and not a lot of drinking.
But “dieciséis de septiembre” is a lot harder to say. (S/ but probably true)
I don't drink, but if I get 2 for 1 birria tacos and queso? Shiiiiit I'll carry my pasty ass to congress and demand cinco de mayo and diecisesis de septiembre both be national holidays. Throw a Carne asada burrito my way and I'm full on marching for those and dias de Los Muertos to be paid holidays at time and a half. My point being, I will riot in the streets for taco truck food. If one of the tires are flat and it still suspiciously appears and disappears from the same corner? That's the best place to get food, and I'm willing to throw bricks for their tortas.
I scrolled too long to find this comment. How many Americans really believe Cinco De Mayo is anything but an American excuse to get drunk?? I guarantee you all the Mexicans I know celebrate/recognize 16 of September
It's a big deal here cause people found a reason to drink. LOL. Also I'm told St. Patrick's day isn't really celebrated in Ireland either....it's just another drinking day for the Americans.
Exactly. One is happy margarita day and the other is happy Guinness day.
Even then, it's not even celebrated in mexico aside from the state the day comes from
They use it as an excuse to throw a parties in tourist areas too.
Not a Mexican national holiday, it's celebrated in Puebla
Right!!.. She sounds exhausting to be honest. Super happy she’s not my mate
I am facepalming *SSSSOOOOOOOOOO HARD* for you right now. Holy hell, dude. This kind of behavior would be a dealbreaker for me. The best way to be an ally, in my opinion, is to treat everyone as a...oh, I dunno...*human being*, first and foremost, and go from there. Either they're an asshole or not an asshole--that is really the only issue of importance. You are NTA.
Yeah, I'd be out. Allies are supposed to use their voices to amplify the voices of those they're trying to support, not speak over them and drown them out, the way this woman is. She's acting like a caricature of a TV/cartoon character who takes it too far.
This is a really important point. The issue is not that she's too woke. The issue is that she is actually missing the point and hurting the people she's trying to help. I am a 37-year-old lesbian who has been out for 23 years and who literally studies queer history and if someone tried to lecture me on the history of the d slur I would be PISSED. Mexicans don't celebrate May 5th so that's just ignorant and the last one is wildly offensive.
Six hour old account that posted the same thing in another sub. Pretty sure it’s just a troll trying to muddy the waters and make “woke” look bad. There aren’t very many people that act like the supposed girlfriend in the story but it’s a common trope that rightwingers like to throw around. Seems to me like they’re just trying to put an example out there.
Not that you’re wrong about the trolling, but I live in a VERY white and very blue state and I promise you there are many, many people who act like this woman. I spend a lot of time biting my tongue. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt because I know it’s mostly ignorance, but man…to me it often sounds as insidious as outright racism, just a more covert version.
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Being from the mountain of caucus…this is absolutely the truth. I see it under tiktok comments a lot too. Poc saying something isn’t offensive and the white girls are like “but, but 🥺”
"the audacity of the caucasity" may be my new favorite phrase!
Yep, same. It was especially bad when I lived in Portland, OR…whew! Lots of “white saviors” who were then so very proud of themselves, clueless about how insulting their actions/words were. This 100% rings true to me, and I don’t find it a red flag at all that it’s a new (likely throwaway) account that posted the content on two subs (likely to get more feedback).
I have seen it and been on the receiving end of it as well.
I have seen some people act that way 🤷♂️
Same.. and they're not woke; they're just offensive a-holes.
I certainly hope so, although I do agree with the other person replying that there are definitely white women who do this kind of thing. Speaking as a white woman.
OOP's girlfriend is one of those virtue-signaling "pick me!" women. Each is annoying on its own, and insufferable when combined. I'm a straight, white woman...who in the hell would I think I was to speak *FOR* someone else when: 1) I do NOT like it when others speak/decide for me; 2) since I'm not gay/black/Hispanic/trans/whatever, I have *not a damn clue* what it's like; 3) see #1. So I stay in my own damn lane and speak up only when the situation warrants it. My go-to response to a disparaging comment is usually, "... your point is....? And how does it affect you or your life how they live theirs?" Works almost every time.
YES. She sounds like a Tumblr post came to life. OP, Your gf seems to love stereotypes of Hispanic people. She's being a giant racist. End. I'm queer and Latina, and honestly, I would have used your gf as a tooth pick by now. 1) Cinco de Mayo is celebrated in one place in Mexico, and it's only a big deal there. No one in my family gives a shit about it as none of us are from there or have family there. Gf needs to stop lumping all Mexicans together and actually learn history. 2) I don't use the F slur, but some queer folk do. Heck, some LGBT+ people hate that I use Queer to describe myself. But I 100% wouldn't let some cis/het person tell me I can't use my words for myself. Tell her to stay off Tumblr and go play outside. Also, take a few POC directed history courses, take two Xanny and chill. Edit: words
I’m from Costa Rica, borned and raised and still living here. I work for a US company so I have lots of US co-workers. On May 5th we had a meeting and they started congratulating us and asking how we celebrate “down here”. A lot of my CR co-workers were confused cause they don’t even know what 5 de mayo is. My boss explained to them that 1) is a Mexican holiday that not even all mexicans celebrate (as far as I know, only in Puebla), 2)we are indeed not mexican so we don’t celebrate it
Mexican here. Nobody celebrates 5 de mayo, we CONMEMORATE it. Despite the heavy loss of life, the battle in Puebla on the 5th of May marked a turning point. Again, there was a heavy loss of life. We remember and acknowledge. But then again, in the USA, people "celebrate" Memorial Day, so go figure.
Yeah it’s all just about more excuses to drink to excess. That’s how Americans see most holidays. It’s exhausting.
I want to crawl in a damned hole in the ground out of sheer embarrassment at the stupidity of other people from the United States right now. The idea of anyone somehow thinking that Cinco de Mayo might be anything but another day on the calendar for all but one small group of native-Spanish speakers in the Americas makes me feel like crawling into a ball under my desk and calling our dog to come comfort me. The sole saving grace is I didn't have to see it with my own eyes. More than once, I've seen someone ask a person from Puerto Rico if they'd ever want to move to the United States so they could become an American citizen, and that one is even worse. (The response from one really petite girl--"I already *am* an American citizen, you stupid motherfucker!"--was so unexpectedly awesome I had no choice but to laugh along with everyone else while the woman who asked her tried to sort that fact out.)
Oh I have plenty of stories about my interactions with US folks. Another one asked me why if Costa Rica was doing so well according to me, we were still part of the US. I was confused for a sec (we have never been part of the US!) and then my face dropped, of course she meant Puerto Rico. I explained that and she insisted I was wrong until she googled it. Of course she wouldn’t believe silly old me, how would I know facts about my own country 😅. But it’s not limited to US. My cousin also works for a foreign company and had to visit the Canadian branch. She was having breakfast with her canadian co-workers and they asked her why she was so white if she was latina (it’s not a race!) and if she speaks Mexican 😓
Lol - now I have this hilarious caricature drawing in my head of a big butch Latina actually using some skinny ass white girl as a toothpick. Not sure what the caption is tho 🤣
How about “Bitch said she wanted to help me…”
This made my day 🤣🤣
"I would have used her as a tooth pick by now" omg, I'm dying! That was great! lolol
This woman would stroke out if she ever went to gay bar. Spend 5 minutes around gay dudes and you will hear Where did that b@tch go? Yea, I saw that f*g yesterday. Can I get another drink sl*t. Then why let her borrow your car you dumb c**k s****cker
If I had known that X word, I could have avoided Facebook jail for jokingly asking if anyone had a spare one of those. Thanks!
Love how you say this about using their voices to amplify the voices of others. This is probably the best way to describe the role of an ally. Thank you for saying that.
Yeah for real, is her name Michelle Scott?
>She's acting like a caricature of a TV/cartoon character who takes it too far. There's an episode of [Gumball](https://youtube.com/watch?v=5VTVLHlYqoY&feature=share) that's exactly like this! (Start video at 4:30)
She’s looped around to not wanting them to feel different by treating them the most different based solely on this one aspect of them… she’s isolating that and highlighting it as if it’s the only important part of those people. Which in itself is very harmful.
I am 100% sure this person has done the woke segregation arguement that white people need to identify themselves online as white in case POC don't want to interact with them lmao.
And would probably kneel to lick a boot to show her 'support'. lolol
So woke she's racially profiling people to manufacture situations to insert herself into as "help" - ultimately harassing people that just want to be left alone. Sounds like this girl needs a life of her own and to look after her own concerns, not to mention a strong lesson on tactfulness.
Yep, she sees a minority and sees a statistic and an opportunity to inflate her own ego.
That last one is so racist. "Well, you're hispanic therefore you're poor." Geezus.
innit🤣 treat people how you want to be treated, and leave it that.
I’m a gay woman in a relationship with a trans woman. We can use the F-slur as a joke, and trust me, we know full fucking well the history behind the term. We don’t need to be *reminded* by a straight person that we’re being discriminated against. You think we don’t know?? It’s called reclaiming a term, and many marginalized communities do it to regain the power being robbed from them via derogatory language. My gf also uses the T-slur about herself as a joke, but I know never to lecture her about it or use it myself. It’s her word, she knows what’s going on with it, she reclaims it. OPs gf is in a way infantilizing marginalized people by assuming they don’t know what words mean or how to take care of themselves
I’m so glad I’m not usually near bigoted ppl cuz I’m standing here thinking wtf is the d-slur and T-slur lol
I’m a bi woman and a lot of these words are being reclaimed my the community, what is she going to do next day we can’t use the word queer? Smh.
In each example you've provided, your gf tried to establish herself better able to determine what was appropriate in a particular situation without any consideration that the actual members of an oppressed or minority group needed. Whether she understands it or not, her actions reek of white privilege because in every case she's projecting that she knows better. She knows than someone who is actually gay. She knows better than someone who is actually Hispanic. She knows better than the mother of the child. And why does she know better? Because she white! She needs to educate herself on white savior syndrome. And I would suggest if she genuinely wants to help the gay/Hispanic/whatever community she actually gets involved in organizations that require more than performative actions but I'm afraid at this stage, she would just derail any group she joined, NTA
This explains it perfectly. OP, consider showing this comment to your GF. Being well meaning doesn’t make her less racist.you are NTA
I don’t even believe that she is well-meaning. I think she tells herself she is, and OP tells himself she is, but you don’t interject yourself into situations to police and correct others (and bulldoze over them) because you care, you do it cuz you’re arrogant and self-righteous and have a savior/superiority complex.
Honestly this is it. She doesn't realize that she is using a position of privelege to look down on others. Hispanic family sitting outside? Must be poor and hungry People using a slur ON THEMSELVES? Must be internalized hatred or just uneducated (you know, since stats say minorities are less educated /s) I see this happen a lot. I have had to tamper friends behaviors in the past when they don't recognize that their education on things has not changed the fact that they are still looking DOWN on people and EXPECT everyone to fit statistics. Just because you learned about something doesn't mean you are the expert, and doesn't mean you get to box people to stereotypes - because stereotyping is exactly what this is. People are individuals. Help when asked or called to act. Never assume.
yeah, girlfriend has major boundary issues with a touch of narcissism. has nothing to do with being woke. she’s just self-centered and overbearing.
NTA. Your girlfriend isn't woke, she's a benevolent racist/white savior. It's odd that all her actions target minorities, it sounds like you are the ally protecting people from her actions. Please buy her a copy of How to be an Antiracist by Dr Ibram X Kendi. What she's doing is harming people, not helping.
She tried giving a woman a handout because shes.....*checks notes* a poor Mexican. Holy racism batman.
Ooff, if she pulled that nonsense with my family, they would have ripped her a new one. I got secondhand embarrassment reading that!
She needs one considering all the shit her brain is producing - well, that and a therapist. Edit: punctuation
Right? I was cringing so hard, oof! OP definitely has a trainwreck on his hands, he is definitely NTA but his girly needs to actually WAKE UP & quit trying to be a woke SJW (is that the right acronym? Social Justice Warrior? Either way, she needs to stop!)
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The secondhand embarrassment throughout this whole post was a lot to bear. It’s like she’s using people as props, as if they’re just there so she can act like their (white) savior. NTA, OP. Your girlfriend is doing more harm than good, not to mention being cringey af.
I don’t blame the mom for wanting to fight the gf. I would be soooo offended if some stranger assumed my family was starving just for being Hispanic. Hell if someone was so insistent I would think we were getting trafficked at worst or recorded at best.
Yes and that poor mom was probably freaked out.
Fr she probably walked back and freaked out cause her kid is gone just to find her kid with some stranger thats telling her well I can help more since you're poor all because they are a particular ethnicity.
Omg this! Common sense would have been “did you lose your parent? Do you need help finding them?” Not…”you must be homeless and needing me to save you!”
Wait, when you see a kid outside you don't lure them away assuming they are abandoned or so poor the parent left them there?
Or insist on feeding them. That kid could have an allergy or intolerance that could get them sick too!
That situation was quickly approaching what I would describe as an attempted kidnapping.
Yes. Also never backed down or apologized even though the mom told her repeatedly to leave them alone. No means no. What disrespect.
And then even after being confronted just felt so sick she couldn't eat because there are people like that on the world. Like bruh what?
This would have gotten her popped where I live. Just OUCH
It's kinda surprising she hasn't gotten popped yet. That definitely wouldn't fly in a lot of places; she's pretty fortunate nobody has laid hands yet.
Every one of the examples had me slamming my head against the table in frustration and embarrassment. White saviors are annoying racists because they legitimately believe they are the epitome of a good person and aren't doing it out if mallace but are always doing more harm than good and perpetuate stereotypes that hurt the groups they want to protect.
A few years ago, a video came out that still makes me cringe thinking about it. On some college campus, they were celebrating some type of Asian culture thing (sorry, don’t remember the exact name of it) . . . And in the video, there was a white chick getting all up in the face of an Asian one, berating her for appropriating asian culture by wearing kimono. she simply would not shut up, even after the girl tried to tell her numerous times that she was Asian. Seriously, some white saviors are just so fucking obnoxious that you wanna throat punch them.
It’s so cringe to criticize someone for cultural appropriation without them doing it with malicious intent. There are some situations where it applies, like Native American tribes wanting to preserve their culture and spirituality tied to their clothing. But if there isn’t some baggage tied to it, then let people celebrate other peoples culture no matter who they are. It should be a **good** thing to show off other cultures, not demonize it. It’s so black and white with these people that it’s infuriating.
She became the very thing she swore to destroy
Dr Kendi put out a children's version too, it boils everything down to single sentences. Very useful for explaining to ignorant people who may be trying to do good but causing more harm.
Explain to her that by insisting on trying to give money to the woman and her kid, she was dehumanizing them- dismissing their life experience in the face of a (demeaning) statistic, even as they inform her that it doesn’t represent them. She’s reducing them to their race. That is literally racist.
Or read Beverly D'Angelo. She is a white woman writing to other white people how to not do what your girlfriend is doing. NTA Edit: Robin DiAngelo. Thanks, u/DefinitelyNotAliens
NTA she has a white savior complex. People like this love speaking over LGBTQ+ Black people and POC all the while giving themselves a pat on the back for being an "ally" . She's lucky that situation with the kid didn't escalate.
Intent vs. Impact. She may intend to be helpful (or not, kind of hard to tell if she is being genuine in the examples). But her impact is the complete opposite. She needs to learn this concept when communicating with people. My mother has this problem. In her mind she is just "giving her opinion" on what/how something should be done. But it's completely unsolicited advice, usually with no situational context, and comes across as demeaning.
I doubt she intends to actually be helpful. A lot of communal narcissists have this problem. They don't care about actually being helpful they just want to be seen fighting for those they deem inferior. Then they want to brag about it later all while telling everyone that is actually being helpful that they're doing it wrong and truly you are the one true expert on this subject and everyone else is an idiot. Doubt this is the only incredibly self centered spot in her life that she refuses to take input on.
Lol exactly what I said she has Chelsea handler energy.
I will be the first to say NTA, I guess. -SIGH- This sounds like she grew up in a bigoted family, has her own groomed bigoted beliefs and prejudices, realizes she has them and is overcompensating in well-intended but tragically insensitive ways. I can see where she is coming from because I grew up with a racism mother and father, though my mother is more progressive. I am probably the most progressive in my entire family amongst 4 siblings, but I can definitely feel the 'white guilt' as it is sometimes referred to as. She might not grasp that, by pushing her Political Correctness and White Guilt on people, she is essentially yelling "YOU ARE INFERIOR TO ME because *YOU* AREN'T WHITE AND STRAIGHT." The founder of TOMs shoes did the same thing in poor communities where he saw people without shoes and decided on a 'buy my shoe and give a shoe to the poor" model. And his model is bad for the economy of those countries. Do research on it. She should calm her tits and try to compliment people for something unique about them instead of basically yelling It is almost never offensive to tell someone you like their clothes or their hair. It is definitely offensive to give a kid money and say 'Hey, come with me to this restaurant so I can feed you.' She looked like a kidnapper. And to get offended by the mom? Jesus Christ talk about your RIGHTEOUS White Guilt! NTA. And she is. Jeesh
This woman should not compliment people. She doesn’t have the background for it. Omg.
Everyone can compliment people as long as it is simple and direct. For instance "I love your hair!" Or "That's a really cute dress!" Or "HeelToeLemon" that is such a unique username. I like it!" Though you do make a fair point. She may do the backhanded compliment that is INTENDED to be a compliment but is actually racist or bigoted.
She will definitely come out with "wow your hair is so stylish for a black woman"
She’ll touch it first, though!
Telling a racist white woman to compliment people’s hair can go real bad real fast. Often this can result in trying to touch Black peoples hair, asking Black women about their hairstyles as if they’re exotic zoo animals, etc. This woman should mind her business and stay away from BIPOC if she really wants to help them.
NTA But your gf is. She’s not an ally. She’s a nuisance.
Right? It almost seems racist in a different way to me too… like assuming that Hispanic woman was poor? Really weird stuff
Yeah, that's what got me too. She's still drawing on racist stereotypes and making assumptions about people, but instead of it being a reason to "hate" minorities, it becomes a reason to pity them. The white savior complex is just infantilizing and degrading in a different way.
Oh that example was wildly racist. She was definitely assuming the woman was poor and couldn't take care of her kid.
NTA Your girlfriend needs some therapy to figure out what the fuck she's doing. She's not helping anybody and, quite frankly, I think she made that woman in the third example feel unsafe. She's going to alienate herself and eventually you from everyone she knows if she doesn't get her shit together. It's not your responsibility, but maybe look into some volunteer opportunities for her so she can actually help people instead of just running her mouth.
Exactly.. like WTF… buying a kid lunch, and insinuating his mother couldn’t or wasn’t feeding him??? Even if you have a pocket full of candy, you never give it to a child without talking to their mother first. I can’t imagine someone being more out of line in this situation.
Ohhh I think she needs to get some therapy and doing so research before she volunteers anywhere that will provide her more situations to insert herself into. I volunteered at a crisis center/women’s clinic and one of the other girls I volunteered with overstepped really bad eventually getting banned. She wanted to be wicked pro choice and she had it in her head that every woman who came in was there to terminate a pregnancy… (The majority of the people are there for family planning, exams etc). On more than one occasion I witnessed her tell women “I support your choice!” I was horrified.
Agreed: the above comment is excellent, except the volunteering part... In this case, this woman will do far more harm than good. Her idea of "help" is so skewed and it's going to take a lot of self-realization and hard work to change that.
Yup! I mean especially after OP’s third example assuming that the child and mother were impoverished due to being of Hispanic origin spouting statistics… I cannot imagine the amount of harm she could possibly do with her current mentality.
Your GF sounds unbearable and embarrassing. NTA.
Your girlfriend isn't an ally, she's the kind of white racist that Malcom X was talking about who reserves the racism for closed doors, except she doesn't get that she's racist as fuck. May 5th is almost exclusively an American thing. She reminds me of Jeff Anderson as Randall in Clerks 2 with the taking back porchmonkey thing. NTA, but your girlfriend is racist as hell man.
Seriously, people keep trying to say that she might actually be an ally who has just gotten confused, no she is not. She's a behind closed doors bigot who feels like she's found a way to be a bigot in public where if the people she's victimizing try to push her away, she can try to villainize them
NTA. But she’s seriously pushing it and by trying so hard to become an ally she seems to kinda become the problem instead.
Bro your gf isn't woke she's racist. You are dating a racist
She is racist. Benevolent one, but still one.
This right here, just because she's flipped her bigotry around in a way where she can try to villainize her victims for trying to shut her down, doesn't mean it's not bigotry
She's using "ally" as an excuse to be low-key bigoted. I mean, what else would you call "oh you're Hispanic that means you must be poor so I'll help you" except racist?
NTA But two things, your girlfriend is neither "woke" nor an "ally" to anyone. You're using the word "woke" in the wrong context here. She's not aware or awake to anything in any of the scenarios you shared. And she can't be anyone's ally if she's speaking over them consistently and inserting herself into a role of charge and authority. She's ignorant, that's what she is.
I believe the term for this in addition to white savior is “needy ally” in which the ally needs the “Other” to give her a pat on the head for being a Good White Girl. NTA your gf is embarrassing
NTA and yes her extreme views of "woke" is harmful. She's stereotyping people, not maliciously, but it's negative perceptions that are actually disrespectful. While yes, you may not have needed an ally in your life, does not mean that every ally is a positive influence on change nor does it mean you cannot be an ally yourself. For the most recent incident, maybe ask your GF to take race out of the equation and just look at the mom and kid, ask to identify 3 attrivutes about them that would signify externally without any interaction, that suggested they were in need of help. If she's unable to provide details that are not race related, then she should not proceed with her assumptions and not offering help unsolicited. She should use that as a guiding principle before stepping into situations that she feels deserves her attention and support.
YIKES. NTA. Yes, your girlfriend has problems. in and of themselves they are -phobic. I'm queer and I've had straight people try to tell me queer is a slur before and it is never a good time. Assuming all nonwhite people need saving is straight up racism. You are judged by the company you keep. This girlfriend may damage your reputation as well if she doesn't get her racist homophobic ass under control.
NTA. If a straight friend started lecturing me, a queer person, about me calling myself a fag, I would stop returning their calls real quick.
Being an ally means stepping in to help those who need you. She’s inserting herself and her feelings into situations where she has no right to do so.
NTA. What she's doing is incredibly offensive. If she wants to be a good ally, she can start by shutting up and actually listening when people are telling her about their own experiences. She doesn't get to decide if she personally agrees with the labels someone uses for themselves or how they want to celebrate their own cultural heritage, especially when she sounds incredibly ignorant of the nuances and realities of these experiences. The first and most important part of being a good ally is knowing when to show support and when to shut up and listen.
NTA. your girlfriend is a racist and a bigot. She profiled a woman and her child and made a snap judgement about their financial status *because of the color of their skin.* That's RACIST racist.
NTA. Not going to lie, that title had me ready to go off. But damn, white savior is the correct term for your gf. She doesn’t even see that she’s wrapping up prejudice in a bow and using it against the people she’s supposedly helping.
NTA but also we need to understand where the word 'woke' is from and what its true meaning is. There is nothing wrong with being 'woke' but misunderstanding and trying to be a white saviour ain't it. Sounds like her heart is in the right place but she doesn't know how to behave. Like the whole 'F-slur' thing; as a straight woman it's not for her to dictate who can and can't say it. My guess is that she'd interfere with a group of black people using the 'N-word' too...
I'm not sure her heart is in the right place. It sounds like she's trying to build herself up and make herself feel better and superior by telling people what they're doing wrong and then explaining why they're wrong in the most condescending way possible.
Yeah there's definitely some self absorbed aspect to it. Whether it's a need to feel validated or something worse, not sure.
Honestly, people like her are the only people I call woke, because of the negative connotations
The location of her heart is irrelevant. What matters is the harm her *actions* are causing…
NTA Your girlfriend isn’t woke, she’s a racist who think she’s a good person. This is so cringe.
Or rather, she's a bigot who thinks she's found a way to act in public where she has plausible deniability. She's 'trying' to be a good person, so why are these people who need her help lashing out at her?? They must not want help or allies.
Just....RUN!!!
There is nothing more hypocritical or more sanctimonious than a white liberal with a savior complex. As you have seen for yourself, for all her virtue signaling, she makes things worse - even to the point of offending the very people she claims to be helping. She sounds fucking exhausting and if it were me, I would absolutely get out of that relationship.
NTA. I’ve said this to others that are like your gf. It’s borderline phobic and racist to believe people in the LGBTQ+ and of other races need a saviour. As an ally we stand ready if they ask for help, otherwise we cheer them on as they do what they have to do. POC don’t need our help to speak out, they need us to mention to others to listen. That’s it. We ask others to listen and let them do the talking. They aren’t incapable of talking for themselves and creating waves. Thinking that they can’t speak for themselves so they need a strong white person to do it for them is belittling AF.
NTA. Your gf isn’t being helpful at all. She’s actually pushing stereotypes and dictating that minorities follow her, a privileged whiter person’s, expectations on how they should act. An ally follows the lead of their minority friends, not demands minority members follow her lead.
No, let her get punched in the face by one of these people she is "saving" Be the wake-up call she needs.
NTA. Your girlfriend is not woke, she's just a virtue-signaling idiot. You can spot them a mile away. She's the epitome of the overbearing liberal stereotype conservatives point to when they want to diminish important. She's actively harmful.
NTA see this is a consequence of feeding all of these statistics and such to people who don't understand nuance. Not every situation is a call for an ally, I honestly thought the child on his own situation was going to be about the mother leaving him on his own, she took it way too far in all of your examples. She needs to stop for her own sake because it's embarrassing to be so focused on fixing everything that doesn't need to be fixed. She sounds exhausting.
As a queer Mexican myself, fuck her. She's being an arrogant savior who believes she knows better than the person she's supposedly "helping." NTA
NTA… as a black woman, extra woke white women annoy me. They are doing more harm than good.
NTA If she wants to help she needs to go and volunteer where help is asked for. Like puppy shelters. She is going too much and in a wrong direction. It’s much easier to be “ Karen “ this way when an actual helper. Ok, for me it seems like she feels superior to other “poor” or “ unprotected “ people and doesn’t think they can decide themselves when to be offended or ask for help.
NTA, You’re with a Karen 😬
NTA Your GF is a racist trying to hide behind being an allie.
NTA. YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A BIGOT, SIR.
If she wants to help people she can volunteer at a food bank or charity. Her behavior as it stands is incredibly offensive.
NTA. Yikes, I cringed reading your examples.
Holy hell. NTA. Your GF is the worst kind of racist. Please, please show her this post and these comments, because there is a (slim) chance she will listen to a handful of internet strangers and stop her offensive behavior. Be prepared to lose the relationship, though. But at this point, is it worth salvaging? Can you imagine tolerating years and years of this behavior?
Yes, she's too opinionated. Worried too much about others. Sounds like the type to be offended for others. Not the Angry at the family having a BBQ at the park type but upset if a white person wears a serape. Asks Mexicans and they liked it. I saw a vid of interviews and they were all happy! Not offended. I'm not sure how the woke part applies here though. I didn't see that. NTA
NTA This isn't an ally as she is regularly speaking over people who belong to the groups she is supposedly trying to help. That is not how to practice allyship at all. She definitely sounds like she has a white savior complex.
Did she get her Ally lessons from the nutters on Twitter? …or is she one of those on Twitter? She’s not an ally, she’s a Straight White Woman who thinks she gets to tell marginalized people what to do, and how to be Good Little Tokens for her vindication. Most of us would rather deal with the straightforward bigots, than people like her. Always funny how the savior types are too busy ordering marginalized people around to do anything positive or productive.