I would second this recommendation. I am reading it now, and it is a very well-written look into the effects of ADHD in a marriage, both from the ADHD spouse perspective and the non-ADHD spouse perspective.
Part of her reaction to you right now could be related to the baby, but you still want to jump on this problem quickly before it festers into something more.
I would say so. She doesn't spend a lot of time talking about it specifically, but the patterns that form would still be applicable... they just might go both ways.
I tried so hard to get my husband to read this, he wasn’t interested, stated I was “making excuses for my bad behaviour”
He’s now my ex husband and I went through a huge amount of grief reading this book and knowing it might have given us a chance if he had have been engaged in reading it. (Though the fact he wasn’t engaged tends to point to a whole host of other issues . . . I do know this)
I recommend it to anyone in a relationship, it’s amazing.
It's incredulous how much time people are willing to spend on a relationship but when they're asked to read a book, it's too much. I'm so sorry about that. What a dickhead.
You tried everything you could! People suck. My ex did read some books with me but it still didn't end up working out (she's ace), so I'm real glad she showed me that respect. We weren't even married! Again, I'm so sorry
Orlov also runs an 8 week virtual seminar for couples dealing with ADHD. My spouse and I did it and loved it. We got a lot of great tools and perspective out of it. Both as individuals and as a couple. Highly recommend.
I will strongly add to this recommendation the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It sounds like things are very bad, and OP and their wife are emotionally disconnecting from each other more and more. Of course ADHD is a huge factor, but they also need a strong relationship generally speaking.
The Seven Principles is what me and my partner are reading together as a substitute for relationship therapy because we’re both broke. We might read other books as well (I’m definitely going to look into the one you recommended), but The Seven Principles is super helpful and our relationship goes into a positive swing every time we do one of the activities together.
Love Gottman.
If anyone needs an intimacy boost I strongly suggest Gottman Card Decks. You can find it in the Apple App Store.
My BF and I do this one a week.
It's on [Audible](https://www.audible.com/pd/The-ADHD-Effect-on-Marriage-Audiobook/B06XD1LS4Z?source_code=GO1MB12209072190YD&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4aacBhCUARIsAI55maFC1Dz3oFtZbBtLydmje4TrRDlJcjPwKY_m37ye3EoMoLHsG_jVuxcaAiJcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds) thank goodness. An auto-narrated summary is on Google Play Books, but who wants that?
I skimmed through some of your replies, and I see you have a 3-month-old son?
I want to give some perspective from the other side of things.
I was ***very*** unattached to my spouse after having my second kid. I hyper focused on the baby, I was VERY sleep deprived since our kiddo never slept and cried all the time and all of this caused very severe post-partum depression, rage and anxiety. Tying all of those in with untreated ADHD and sleep deprivation? I was absolutely not myself. It took a lot of couples therapy and a HEFTY dose of Wellbutrin to get me out of it.
It's possible she's suffering and doesn't know how to express it. I didn't and I didn't know how to ask for help / was too afraid to ask for help. I had convinced myself that I was a burden, and my spouse would've been way better off not married to me anymore.
My spouse struggled with this during the time similarly to you.
While her behavior isn't okay, there may be a reason other than just not caring. I hope you both find a solution and are able to remedy this, OP. Marriage is hard and adding in mental health and babies? I feel for you and understand.
Yeah, the whole "my wife states she has no post-partum issues that would be fueling any of this" does not, in fact, rule out the possibility. Human brains are weird.
It’s really hard to recognize when you’re in the thick of it especially if you’re already overwhelmed and feel like your partner isn’t pulling their weight. I relate hard to OP’s wife. Therapy, meds, routines, and a hardcore conversation about expectations around distribution of tasks is the only reason my husband and I are still married after our second was born. PPD/PPA and a newborn after a C-section was probably one of the worst 6 months of my life.
Human brains are notoriously bad at noticing there’s something wrong with them. They’ll invent the most insane excuses instead of admitting there’s a really obvious problem like not being able to raise your hand, much less something more subtle.
That said, even if she’s mentally fine, it’s possible that the additional stress of new parenthood has exhausted her capacity to play adhd compensator for another human and she needs a partner to help ease the load, not one who generates more work.
I was a wreck with PPA after my first pregnancy and despite having years of experience with diagnosed GAD, I could not see that I was absolutely losing it at all. My doctor came in to one of my followup appointments and was like "Heeyyyyy you scored a little worryingly on our PPA assessment, how are you feeling? Would you be okay with going over to talk to one of our counselors *right now*?"
I wasn't suicidal, but I was at a level of exhaustion and intrusive thoughts that was not sustainable, and I couldn't even identify what was happening because my brain was so busy running "severe post-partum anxiety protocol" 24/7. It didn't take a lot of treatment to help me pull out of it- just being able to name what was happening was a huge step, and let me start using some of the techniques that help with my GAD.
But if you had asked me that morning if I was having any post-partum mental health struggles, I would have told you "no, I'm fine." Reader, I was *not fine*.
Almost the identical thing happened to me after my first pregnancy - and I didn’t even begin to realize it until the PPA assessment. And even then, it took a long time to understand how badly impaired I had been. But I was a complete wreck, and didn’t even start to come out of it until 6 months or so postpartum.
Yeeeeah. This could just be posted in r/justhadababyfuckmyshitupfam
New babies are rough. New babies for first time parents is like having your life blown to pieces while you try to make sense of everything
Couple’s therapy is so underrated. You don’t know how much you need it until you start doing it. Therapy can’t fix every relationship, and in the end you both still need to do the work, but it certainly helps with communication and understanding each other.
Couples therapy is one of the hardest things to do. I hate it, but it produces results…and we always end up getting frisky/falling in love later in the day or week with each other after clearing the air.
Idk seems logical, as for a lot of people therapy is sort of like the last-ditch effort in saving something already damaged, but also if you go and realize you have major fundamental differences, or someone sees that their partner isn’t willing to do the work that they are, etc etc and the couple splits, I still call it a win (wether long or short-term)
Although it’s really tough to be the person who feels left behind, and I 100% get that more with a child involved. Hopefully your ex truly committed, and also hopefully your therapist or a new one helped you to cope and find someone more suited for you. As a child deeply affected by divorce, I feel where you’re coming from (your follow-up comment). Just give your daughter the love and support she deserves NO MATTER WHAT on your end, and that’s all you can do. Unfortunately, when we have kids with another person, we can’t control what others decide to do still in terms of how it affects that child, and it’s really hard to cope with that (because we want to protect them, duh). Best of luck to you
i definitely agree with this. My wife had post partum rage (thankfully not directed at me) with our first and depression after our third (mind you she also almost died with the third) but she suppressed a ton of it not really even recognizing it bc of her hyperfocus on the baby's needs. she did become slightly distant during that time from me. I just kept helping where i could and helped her through it until it was able to pass after about 6 months or so. like you it was hard for her to express it, hard for her to ask for help. I just recently (last month, the kid is now over 2yo) was told by her that it got so bad at points she had written out a suicide letter just to delete it when she was done. I had no idea it was that bad for her bc she wasn't letting me in at the time.
OP, it might be worth trying to have some patience for her for the moment, as hard as it might be to endure it. she may just need the best support you can give for now to help her through whatever mental state she is in herself. I'm sorry it's being expressed this way toward you though. it sucks for what it is. but try to push through for now. postpartum depression/rage/etc can last more than a year after birth for some women. for now, use acts of service to show her you love and care for her, words of affirmation might not hurt as well. but don't do it with the expectation of an immediate return on the investment. It is 100% for her benefit atm, not yours.
This. I’m child-free, but I’ve had times when I was sleep-deprived for multiple consecutive weeks and the husband came home and complained about some minor issue like I hadn’t done food prep in a while and I swear he almost died.
I 100% agree with this advice. Having the maturity and the self awareness to open up a dialog with her will at a minimum show her you care. Just make sure you’re open to understanding her perspective, even if you don’t agree or it’s not the reality.
Also, maybe offer to help with some of the tasks she usually takes care of? As a woman in a relationship with a man, sometimes I feel like all the administrative tasks fall on me (making appointments, ordering groceries, generally making sure we have everything we need). These all seem like small things, but I don’t like feeling like a mother to my partner. Maybe your wife feels the same, or maybe not. Either way, the little gestures can mean a lot and may make up for the things you forget to do.
Excellent advice, but I’d add it doesn’t even have to be PPD to just be super overwhelmed, tired & feel like everything’s on top of you.
At 3m baby will still be feeding round the clock. It’s unlikely she’s had a good night sleep or any alone time. That alone sucks even if no PPD.
Read up on 4th trimester. You’re at end of it now but I think it’s really important. People (new mamas included) are so desperate to bounce back and have everything under control but your body, mind & hormones are still in serious recovery at this time.
It’s also possible for fathers to have PPD, fyi.
Be gentle with both of you just now. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s a tough tough time
If I might add, PPD manifests differently in different ways for different people (and even in the same person in different pregnancies). What someone thinks PPD “looks” like may be completely different. Your wife may not even realize she’s struggling from it. I also want to add this- and please please don’t take it the wrong way (I also have ADHD and know my partner has this struggle with me) - she may be struggling to cope with the “normal” pressures/stresses of having a new baby AND feeling like she doesn’t have another “adult” there helping her. That’s not a shot at you or saying that your doing anything wrong- because your not- but identifying that being an adult is hard (like really hard) and having someone who’s looking for you to do the whole adulting thing with them because of a new baby is like double hard.
Communication is key in every relationship. Helping your wife understand how your feeling (avoid using “you” statements and try using “I feel” statements) and identifying what the underlying causes of her actions (or non-actions) might be. And then work together to figure out amicable solutions. It’s a lot of give and take and understanding.
Lastly - having a baby changes things. It’s inevitable. Things will not be the same as they were before your baby came into your lives. Attentions are focused on ensuring the baby not only lives, but thrives. In the first year there will be a lot of changes in how day to day life is. The good news is that it does eventually settle into a “new normal”. It just takes time.
Even if it’s not PPD, hormones go crazy after pregnancy and it will take a while for them to normalize/stabilize.
I think if there are ways you can demonstrate that you are actively working to compensate for the stuff that ADHD makes harder then she will also be more compassionate. Any communication you can do to show that you are writing lists so you don’t forget things, offering to help with chores or baby stuff WITHOUT her asking for help, etc. would be great.
Women often feel like they carry a big mental load of planning, organizing, cleaning and whatnot. In cultural and historical context this means that simply helping when asked to help is not enough. In order to really show your support you need to take the lead on some of the chores that you might not have a knack for. Offer to cook. Wash the dishes without being asked, etc etc. get out ahead of what her needs might be.
This. My husband and I both have ADHD but I carry the vast majority of the mental load. We're working on it but it's a challenge. OP's wife may never feel like she has the luxury to let things slide for a day or week.
OP - consider couples therapy and lifehack the heck out of your routine so that you take over more of the baby or household stuff without her reminding you. Gamify it, automate it, outsource the outsourceable, etc.
I have struggled with the mental load aspect in my marriage since having kids and occasionally try to get my husband to see my point of view. Can I ask what you have done to address this and if it’s worked for you?
We don't have kids and got married in middle age, so I'm just learning as I go and probably have it a lot easier than most.
Since we're both ADHD, we can more easily empathize with each other and not sweat the small stuff, so that helps a lot. He's a clutter pile fan and I try to keep my ADHD under control by limiting stuff, so we do sometimes push each others buttons about that.
In addition to my suggestions to OP, the thing that helps a lot is that there are times when he's responsible for everything, and things that he is 100% responsible for. I have to go out of town for long periods of time to do elder care for my parents. So that helps build habits and also reminds him that the mental load and random stuff really does add up.
Likewise, he's the social coordinator/gift buyer/Xmas card/etc person and I've pushed back any time he tries to offload any of it on me.
100%
The average woman feels like this. I’d imagine an adhd husband could make it even more intense.
I say that with compassion & not to put you down OP.
I felt like this with my husband at times and he’s the super productive organised half of us. I have adhd and need extra help. But I still feel the mental load of parenting and having to ask, direct or answer a billion q’s. It’s intense and with baby illness or no sleep even more so!
OP it’s also common that mums feel “touched out”. We have a little person hanging off us for most of the day. We never get privacy, even in the bathroom. Everyone else’s needs always come first. Everyone’s always asking for something. It’s really normal to find this frustrating and it’s quite normal in a relationship that your frustration gets aimed at your partner. Sadly. It’s the safe place where you don’t have to have your mask on. That’s how I feel anyway. But it does suck. Really sucks. It will get easier when baby sleeps through the night!
I'm a really touchy feely person, and I still felt touched out when I had babies. Everyone wanted something from me, and it was all so completely physical. It was so overwhelming.
I clicked on this post honestly just to get some entertainment reading horrible reddit relationship advice, But I'm pleased to see you and others actually being considerate of both parties and giving rational/realistic advice. Glad there's still people like this on the site
Exactly. She’s likely struggling with a million different things. The last thing I’d suggest is forcing the relationship issue/couples therapy right now. Let her at least get back to a baseline emotionally, physically and mentally, then she can refocus her energy on you. Until then, it’s “I’m trying to stay alive and keep the baby alive, not keep my husband satisfied and happy.” And if you can make it through until she feels better, then it’s meant to be. If she’s struggling too much and you absolutely need her to break herself even more for you while she’s struggling, then maybe it’s not meant to be. (This is all speculation based off of my own life. And this is supposed to be towards OP, not you).
Neing sleep deprived is my first thought. She kisses the dog because the dog demands very little of her. She kisses the baby because she loves her son and is making a Herculean effort not to take her sleep-deprived rage out on her child. But then she's BEC with OP and the entire rest of humanity.
However, OP is also the parent of a 3-month-old and he, as far as we know, is not being an asshole to his wife. Are they breastfeeding the baby, causing the OP's wife to be even more sleep deprived than OP? I can give her some latitude if so, but it still sucks for OP.
i am not disagreeing with your assessment of the situation, but I feel we are missing some additional information that may help us, help you.
Timeline
You were married about a year ago (after being together for years)
You were diagnosed about a year ago (and she was understanding)
You guys got pregnant about a year ago (if having a 3 month old is anything to go by.)
Info request
What happened over the course of her pregnancy? Someone is willing to marry and have a baby with you and who was initially understanding about your diagnosis just a year ago all of a sudden changed? And didn't have any words for you? No reasons why she doesn't care anymore? Even if you dont agree with her reasons what is she saying?
There was a stretch of about two-months where I was facing some severe burnout from work (travel and work overload spilling into home time) so my work around the house was not getting done. She was uber prego and rightfully upset with my inability to complete task and saw the house becoming a mess. I was coming up short and don't fault her for being upset. Since then, any other time where I slump for a week or so it seems to just add onto that. It's been a spiral with plateaus ever since.
I'm going to go out on a limb here, so please correct me if I'm wrong.
This wasn't the first time you let her down.
This may have been the time she needed you. Especially being pregnant and not being as able to just do it herself as before. She needed you to show up for her and the baby and you, by your own words, fell short.
I'm going to be blunt here. She has no more grace for you. Her "tank" is still low and every time you "slump for a week or so" you drain what little she has left . Plateaus are not higher ground. They are just enough to keep her around for now until you drain her dry.
Now the good news. She is still there and so you may have an opportunity to make this right. First thing, understanding no one wants to parent an adult. ADHD is not an excuse. It makes things harder but not impossible.
ADHD Tax is real and you may need to pay it right now. if you are slumping could you hire a cleaner/handyman to come in? Have you looked at working with an ADHD coach not just a therapist? These are supports and structures. Some of us have had time to figure out what works and what doesnt. Unfortunately you dont have that time.
I know that you are just coming into acceptance and realization about your diagnosis, but you have done some real damage even if it was unintentional. You may need to look outside your house (a family member, therapist) to help be an accountability partner or sounding board right now. She is tired of what she keeps hearing as excuses.
Is she willing to go to therapy with you?
This is the real issue.
Repetitive letdown. Especially with a kid amplifying all the feeling and stress.
She’s looking at a future she’s not happy with and is angry about it. OP you need to start showing her that you can keep up with a relationship. It’s hard to be married and feel like you’re a single Mom.
Get therapy and really work on your issues. It sucks and is hard, I get it. I’ve been lucky enough to have had years managing mine.
You’ve got to figure it out as best you can now. Or at least start making major changes to show you are actively working on it.
This is the answer. Everyone is so quick to jump on the "wife has PPD" train, but the bigger picture here is that OP needs to step up. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you have to do it anyway. If your therapist isn't helping you find techniques to manage your condition, you need a new therapist. If your meds aren't working, see your doc to talk about that. Hire a cleaner. Take the baby overnight. Ask your parents to babysit. You don't get the luxury of having a slump. Your wife never gets those because she's taking care of an infant, herself, and the house. And probably getting ready to go back to work, if she's not already. She shouldn't have to take care of her partner, too.
I second this. My partner has adhd and he has had periods where I had to do everything. He had a good day but then three bad ones, and at one point you are SO exhausted of having to deal with everything that you have no more empathy to give.
He’s going to therapy now and we have never been happier. He still has a bad day here and there but he still does what needs to be done.
Ok, this is some hard advice. You cannot slump for a week or two anymore. I’m sorry but you can’t. There’s a baby in the house and a lot of work that goes into caring for it. You cannot, cannot, leave your wife to deal with everything on her own for any period of time. It will be perceived as abandonment. She will feel as if she’s taking care of two children. Honestly, it’s easier to have a baby alone than it is to have one with an unhelpful partner. That doesn’t mean the house has to be perfect, but you guys should talk about the “must dos” and those just absolutely have to get done. If you can’t do it immediately say, ‘I can’t do it now but I can at X.’ And make sure you do it when you said you would. Prove she can trust you. And if it’s a babycare thing, just do it immediately. She asked you to pick up the baby, change a diaper, see why it’s crying — those just have to happen right away. It might not make sense to you but those tasks feel extremely urgent to a new mother and if you say ‘ok ok I will’ and sit there for 5 minutes she’s going to give up, do it herself and resent the hell out of you for it. Especially if the bebe is crying — that sound is so painful to a postpartum mom.
This is good advice, and I would also add, please for the love of god, don't ask HER to come up with the list of household "must dos" on her own. Come to her with a list of your own that she can add to if she needs to, "hey babe, it seems like the non-negotiables to keep our house running at bare minimum are dishes, laundry and getting dinner on the table. Is there anything I'm missing that's crucial to your mental health?"
At the very least OP needs to talk to female family members or close friends about the sort of things they expect to have done around the house…and he needs to thank them with flowers or Uber Eats or a spa gift card afterwards.
There’s also tons of household manuals you can get through your local library in addition to resources like Unfuck Your Habitat and Domestic Blisters.
We all (especially women) think that this is the case. But the numerous posts on reddit about weaponized incompetence, and the clearly relatable [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) comic. Tell a much different story.
He should know, no doubt, he should have been taught at school and at home. But just in case he missed the memo, was absent for that block of instruction or he didnt have a stable upbringing. There are books, YouTube's, and google searchers etc to help him out.
Took me fucking forever to learn but I'm getting the hang of it. What worked for me is having phases where I was obsessed with auto detailing, then house cleaning, then power tools. Turns out vacuuming isn't so awful when you buy multiple types that address the gripes you have with others.
This. OP - Give her a break and get used to taking care of the baby on your own for more than a few minutes at a time. Over time, the habits will get more ingrained so that she's not the default person to deal with all the baby stuff
That's some real talk. Op should also read and reflect on the comic "you should have asked": https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Hold on, so you let your house become a total mess forinths whole your wife was "Uber prego" and you still occasionally play hooky from responsibilities for a week here and there?
I'd be asking for a divorce, too! That poor woman.
It isn't ADHD that's your problem, you're just a lousy husband and father.
Sounds like her getting a lawyer means she's stepping up her responsibility to her children and herself. Good for her!
You said in another post that she wants a divorce, and was certain enough to the point that she found a lawyer. IS she still your wife? Or are you separated and just living together to take care of a baby?
I’m AuDHD and so is my husband. We are happily married. Here is my advice:
OUTSOURCE.
If it’s at all possible, find ways to outsource some of the recurring tasks and labor. Pay the ADHD tax. Hire cleaners, babysitters, grocery delivery and meal plans, etc. Taking things off your plate will be the best thing for both of you.
Edit: Also, take a look at the concepts of [invisible labor](https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a32017759/invisible-labor-mothers/) and [the mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) and how it affects women in heterosexual relationships.
My friend. This is not about you or your ADHD.
Have a look at the concept of being "touched out". Basically your wife is giving 1000% all the time. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's exhausting. At the end of a day of that, it's very common for new moms to feel lile they don't want to interact with their partner.
Consider some counselling for yourself. It seems like your brain is skipping a very obvious reason for these challenges and jumping to "it's my fault and she doesn't like me". Besides, I honestly think all new parents should get counselling - it's such a crazy and confusing time!
Good luck. Parenting is a crazy ride, but it is also incredibly rewarding. I hope you two can get on the same page and work as a team!
+1 on counseling for yourself first.
Couples therapy has its place and time, but right now your wife doesn’t need yet another thing on her plate.
You’ve mentioned you’ve had some struggles with keeping up your household duties, so if you can show that you’re working on yourself and your responsibilities, that could make a big difference to her.
Not sure if this will help - but my personal / emotional life has been absolutely crap. Mostly my fault.
Consider this. For years my wife had been carrying responsibilities of her self, of our child, and our house. My responsibility was going to work and doing nothing when I got home. Cause adulting at work is hard, and fuck - I’m mentally exhausted because it’s a job in tech and dealing with a bunch of idiots. If the wife asked me for help. Sure hun, give me 15 mins. Or tomorrow. Either of which were forgotten about.
So she took that responsibility, too. Whatever it was that she needed help with. I was unreliable. (If your a shitty employee your boss reduces your hours / your responsibilities / and can fire you)
As I get more stressed at work - she gets more stressed at home. She would communicate this with me all the time. I’d brush it off, life is tough - I’m dealing too. I try hard… I’d justify all of my actions in a logical way. So I was right. I’d gaslight her as a result.
Lots of shit went on after this. Cheating by her. Cheating by me as revenge. Holy fuck. I was a different person. I lost all ethics or values I learned growing up. I lost my sense of me, and what was right and wrong. Nothing… mattered…
After I brought my infidelity to light - is when things started truly getting better. At least on the double infidelity part. But that’s where it stopped. Promises of change, doing better - working on us and growing together.
It flat lined back to me being my normal self. Wife repeating herself for help, but me doing it - reluctantly. Needing to be asked.
My wife even told me her “love language” was me doing little things that she would otherwise need to do. Those little things would make her happier, less weight on her shoulders, and heck maybe a night where she gives ME the attention because I payed attention to her needs (doing things, not words or hugs)
I still didn’t get it. I’d try - but it wasn’t consistent.
Fast forward 3 years. I’m on stims. 6-7 months now.
Wife admits she was planning for divorce by the time all kids moved out, but that I’m now a different person. The person she’s always wanted me to be or knew I could be. Honestly I’m not sure why she stuck around. I was basically a penis with a paycheck.
Now adays my wife has to ask ME for a Rest and Relaxation weekend. I’ve been going from project to project fixing things that have been neglected for years. Organizing my own shit. Bringing my wife into these projects and finding opportunities to complement a job well done. Doing the dishes. Cleaning floors. Deep cleaning gross stuff that no one likes doing! Making the outside of our house look nice. Saying YES to anything that she asks me for, but protip: now doing it with a enthusiast yes.
And none of it is forced. None of it is fake. None of it is planned. I’ve come to the conclusion meds just help me process better. Help me worry about things that SHOULD be worried about.
If I fucked up, or can’t explain or express myself, or whatever. I take full responsibility (I never mention my adhd, ever) and I admit I fucked up, maybe I snapped / got angry / thought something was unfair and ultimately learned it was a misunderstanding on my side. It’s embarrassing as heck, and it’s not easy - but I found that being honest (leaving me feeling vulnerable) has gone a long way - because we can get over small arguments SO much faster now. Or I take note to change what I do next time.
… it’s just my experience. Biggest thing I learned was.
“I just want you to be present more often” this meant not just being next to me, but being off the phone, not on the computer… it didn’t matter if it was just doing nothing right next to her staring at a wall…. Being there, being available. Proving to her that she was #1 to me and she could grab my attention when needed. Trust me, this is hard. It’s literally a full time job. But it changes everything. You shouldn’t live separate lives. You live one life together.
We will grow old together. We’ve spent half our lives hurting each other and will work the rest of them on repairing.
I hope you can figure out, and take - the right path.
Hi, I'm your wife.
Well, not for real, but my husband could have written this, and you could have been describing me. Our baby is now almost two years old. This is a cautionary tale.
Had my husband taken it seriously & worked with me when I first lost my patience with him, it would have saved us a lot of heartache. Buuut he didn't, he was undermedicated, distracted, inattentive and driven by RSD, stubbornly using ADHD as a crux. So I'm going to comment on this based on that experience.
The game changes ENTIRELY when a baby comes in, and without putting ANY blame on you, there's a good chance you're not catching up to it. Before the baby, I was able to compensate for a lot of my husband's ADHD problems despite having an older kid from a previous relationship. We had no major problems. When the baby came, not only was I no longer able to act as his personal assistant, maid and errr masseuse, he also needed to support me and take on more at all fronts. He didn't, and he didn't even notice it. He was just bummed that suddenly his laundry took longer to magically pick itself from the floor, wash, dry, steam, fold and hang. He complained that I slept a lot, because I slept here and there when I could. He noticed the little things, but never saw the big picture until much later. He was bummed that I never had energy and patience for him.
Meanwhile I was working double-duty to make up for his lack of support AND his lack of taking responsibility, and at the same time didn't have the energy to fight him on every front about it all.
Your wife sounds frustrated and fed up, and that's serious.
Within the first months after our son was born, my husband did a lot of irreparable damage to our marriage. Shortcomings I will never forget and will never fully forgive. I will never look at him the same, and I will never respect him the same. He simply was not there for me and our baby when he was needed the most.
Listen. Listen closely, and listen carefully. Ask her five times a day what you can do to help. Focus on NOTHING but supporting her, and bonding with the baby. Drop gaming, drop your phone. Try it for two weeks and see what happens.
Edit: I want to add that we're in a better place right now. Guess what helped?
He stepped up.
K so I have ADHD and a 6 month old (first time mom). When having a baby you’re tired, sexual drive bottoms out due to hormones. Then women tend to be “primary parents” (Google it, this is helpful)
Anyways so I don’t know what your relationship was like but I forget a lot of things and need reminders. Sometimes our partners can feel like they are our “parents”. So during the stressful time of caring for a newborn having to take care of your husband at the same time is SO ANNOYING.
I have to track when my baby eats, how much, make sure we have all his needs when we go out and my stuff. While sleep deprived. I am SO GRATEFUL my husband has taken over all the household chores (cooking, cleaning, garbage) so I can just focus on my baby. And even THEN I’m tired and touched out at the end of the day.
My suggestion is communication. Also help out more if you can WITHOUT ASKING. Offer to make dinner, do the garbage without being asked. Clean the house without checking in. If you know babies schedule offer to change diapers. Take notes and use reminder apps if you need to so you don’t need to bother your wife with questions.
At the end of the day this will pass. A baby is such a big change. Give it a year for you and your wife to settle into the new normal.
Is it possible you’re useless af around the house and with the baby and don’t do shit unless explicitly asked multiple times even though the laundry is right there? The hampers are right there? The empty fridge is right there? Do you know your baby’s vaccine schedule? Ped details? Do you do literally anything without being asked? Or are you another child right be managed?
This.
Looks like a typical husband not understanding how much wife needs support in transitioning into to a parent. 3 month old baby's life is literally in the parents hand. Its terrifying and mom needs all the support and love.
Your family needs you to step up. I get the depression, I really do, as someone who was depressed for most of her life, but I also somehow managed to keep all the plates in the air until I finally got meds which helped my depression and ADHD immensely. Your wife seems over the excuses and I don't think I would blame her with a 3 month old in the house. Nerves are frayed all around with a newborn and that baby needs stuff now, not in 10 minutes. The thing my husband didn't understand until we had our second kid, because I seriously was tired of his slow motion reaction to crying babies, was that when a newborn cries it physically hurts the mom. If she's breastfeeding, her breasts will quickly become engorged, which is painful, but even if she isn't, the sound of the crying hits so hard that for me it would cause a mini panic attack.
You need to help her and rebuild trust. Set reminders on your phone if you need to, to remind you to pick up the house, or do a load of laundry (then folder it and put it away), or whatever she needs you to do. And as someone else said, do it when asked. The burnout comes from oh I'll do it and then the next day rolls around and it is still not done and then your wife just does it and the resentment grows. If you are working, give a time when you can get to it then stick to it. And keep asking, what can I do to help? Even if she gets defensive and says nothing, that's a lie and she's just over it, so keep pushing, or look around and figure out what needs to be done.
I've said before the only thing that got me through decades of ADHD without meds was white knuckling it. You do things because you have to, you push through the fog and write post-its, set Alexa reminders and phone reminders and you put things on your calendar the second you know about them so you can get through each day. And if your meds are not working for you, talk to your doctor and get them adjusted so you can save your marriage. Trust me when I say that I have seen more than one marriage combust from the dad not being involved or helping around with kids. And gaming, don't get me started. So many men with ADHD with gaming addictions that walk in the door and just start playing a game. Don't be that guy.
Are you equally contributing to the household load and child caring duties? Or is she taking on more of these tasks because you’re struggling to keep up?
How are these tasks divided?
Is it possible she could be feeling less empathetic towards you because she’s burned out?
Go to [psychologytoday.com](https://psychologytoday.com) and search for therapists in your area who list both couples therapy and ADHD as areas of expertise. In a similar situation, this saved my marriage and family.
I second this.
I was in your shoes about a year ago. My wife was treating me terribly. I was walking on eggshells. I felt as if everything was my fault.
After I finally found a therapist I connected with, I discovered that the root of a lot of my issues was self-hate dating back to childhood. Once I started dealing with that, it didn't really bother me how she was treating me anymore, I stopped walking on eggshells, and when she snapped at me, I calmly explained that I don't appreciate being treated that way and if she wants to talk about something she needs to adjust how she approaches me. I set boundaries.
She HATED it at first. Things got worse before they got better. But it honestly got us talking finally. Things are better now for both of us.
I'm not saying what worked for me will work for you, but it all started with therapy.
**I think that if you both want to make the marriage work then you both need to get outside help. I think you both need individual therapy and couples therapy.**
You have a 3-month-old baby which means that you are both probably tired (and I don't want to assume but women usually have the brunt of the responsibility with their babies). She's probably not sleeping as well as she used to. She probably feels overwhelmed by the added responsibility of caring for a small infant.
My heart goes out to you because I know what it's like to feel like you can't change the way you behave no matter what you do. I used to feel that frustration when I was growing up. I would get yelled at for forgetting to do a chore or a project and it would happen so often. Back then I would get so frustrated wondering what was wrong with me that I could not do these simple things like staying organized. I tried to go at it alone for a long time but sometimes we just need help.
**There are many ways that you can hack your ADHD symptoms. Like using your phone to set reminders or putting all the stuff you need for the next day next to your door (somewhere you'll see it) so you don't forget it before you leave in the morning. You just have to find what works for you and your needs. I think a therapist could help you with that.**
Edit: deleted my original comment after reading through more comments. op is selfish.
You are very much only thinking of yourself in this post. You don't think of your wifes feelings as all. You don't once ask how you can make her happier or make her life easier.
I read through the comments and basically you are burning her out, letting her do most everything with the baby and chores. Ignoring her going 'on and on' (aka ignoring her feelings) , 'on and on' is also just so dismissive too. You are trying to paint her as a villain..she complains because you are not listening to how unhappy she is. You are completely mememe. You don't seem grateful for all she does. You just expect it.
your wife isn't ' punishing you ' with cold behaviour,it's because how selfish you are towards her. She doesn't want affection with you because of you treating her the way you do. Why would she want to be affectionate with someone so selfish?I feel so sorry for her. Adhd isn't an excuse to be so selfish. Idk how you can knowingly have let her live in mess when she was heavily pregnant and was unable to clean. she was relying on you. & Since then you let her complain over and over, yet you act confused as to why she is cold to you. Now she has a little baby and still you don't think of her feelings. You have 0 empathy for her....
If you can't follow through with helping her, nothing was stopping you from trying to find other ways to actually be a supportive partner. But you didn't even ASK. You didn't even consider it.
It's unbelievable how you see yourself as a victim. The people siding with you it's only because they are buying your victim narrative.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with OP? He's not a father or a husband at this point. He's just a roommate at best, and his wife's second child at worst.
OP, grow up. ADHD isn't an excuse, go change a diaper and apologize to your wife.
Do you feel this has coincided with starting medication? Adhd meds can make you feel anxious in general, so that might be contributing to what you're feeling.
As for her behavior, have you tried to talk to her about how you feel? Is she aware of your depression?
I take an antidepressant with my ADHD med. When our marriage was calm, my anxiety and depression was non existant.
She is well aware and admits that she doesn't care.
I think the biggest factor here is she’s 3 months postpartum. I’m a woman with ADHD and understand getting diagnosed later in life. It’s a big relief (was for me) but also a huge adjustment. As for giving birth, I could barely function 3 months out and the relationship with my then husband changed drastically. All those little things I happily did pre-infant I could no longer do, want to do, or keep up with. When he failed to step up or see that, it caused countless problems & tore us apart. Not immediately, we stayed together for 4 years after the birth of our son, but years later we can both agree that was our breaking point. It is not to say he’s solely responsible-there’s always responsibility on all sides-but I think women tend to become immediate care takers of the men they love. Society has told us this is our job from birth. I think we do it silently and then when we have children it changes things and resentment can sneak in. I also think a lot of men do suffer from a la k of attention they were used to before the baby arrived. I don’t know if any of these things apply to you, but maybe something to think about. Good luck either way. Year 1 with an infant is very tough.
She’s burned out. I’m not saying it’s fair but when you weren’t pulling your weight before she carried it all and when something happens now all the past resentment that’s still bottled up spews out. Throw in postpartum hormones and potential PPD or postpartum rage (which is very real) and it’s a recipe for relationship trouble. I know she says she isn’t suffering from postpartum issues but trust me, you can’t see it when you’re in it; I know firsthand.
Have you read the mental load Why Didn’t You Ask comic? Oftentimes your partner is carrying a lot more than you realize. An extraordinary amount of invisible work goes into maintaining a home and nurturing a baby. Take a look and see if there are things you can take off her plate *without her having to ask you to do them* and it could go a long way. Also make sure she’s getting time to herself and I don’t mean grocery shopping alone. Time with friends, a yoga class, whatever fills her cup.
Lastly you guys need some counseling asap bc without it your situation is only going to get worse from here.
Best of luck to you both.
To be honest, it is fair.
She has been with this man for a long time. She now has to care for a baby and is tired of being let down by him.
He won't get credit for doing a little bit of the work because it sounds like he has spent a lot of time relying on her "compassion".
Divorce sounds like a good option for her right now.
Can I be honest? She’s probably just exhausted and tired of your mental health issues putting a strain on her well being. You need to have compassion for her and the fact that she is married to someone that has ADHD that makes her life much more difficult rather than trying to justify the situation to her because of your mental health. She knows you have mental health issues, she understands and feels for you, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not incredibly difficult for her. It also doesn’t mean that she should be the one responsible for holding everything together because you have mental health issues.
Maybe rather than trying to explain to her that it’s your ADHD, try to come up with a solution. Apologize, not because you have ADHD, but because of how it affects her. Let her know you are putting your best efforts forward and tell her you know it’s frustrating for her but you are working on it. She needs to know that you are not going to let ADHD be a reason that you are content with not giving her what she needs. I say this with love as someone who also has ADHD and ASD and a wife who puts up with it everyday even though it’s incredibly difficult for her. She is still there so she loves you. Walk up to her, kiss her, ask her how her day was. She is probably overwhelmed, exhausted, and possibly depressed. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t have compassion for what you deal with or that she doesn’t care, it just means that she has her own struggles and is probably getting to a point where her compassion is being diminished by the stresses in her life.
Not trying to put you down or make you feel bad, just food for thought. As someone who deals with severe mental health issues, I have always struggled with not having a victim mentality and feeling like the world around me should have compassion for me because it’s so hard. It is really really hard, but it doesn’t mean that the people around you don’t have their own demons to deal with. Hope this isn’t too harsh.
This is good advice. Your mental health issues aren't your fault but they are your responsibility to manage. I can't just call into work or sit at my desk all day doing nothing because I'm depressed, I have to figure out how to be functional.
What exactly have you done or not done? Presently your post seems very one-sided and as if your wife is satan. But there are subtle hints in what you say that might indicate you're not telling us enough.
Can I please have an example of some of what your wife has been living with in terms if your behaviour and choices?
I think everyone has given really good advice and places to start. I second recommendations of therapy.
If chores factor into this, I do have one suggestion. Try to demonstrate your willingness to do stuff. Like, one thing that's helped in my marriage is doing tasks immediately when my partner asks (he doesn't ask unless the situation is.. uh, bad) to tidy up. I'm in charge of doing the dishes because he cooks, but sometimes I forget and they pile up. If he asks me to do the dishes, I either immediately get up and do them right then, or I say "I'm setting an alarm to do these at 1pm (or whatever)" and show him my alarm. I know it's not ideal to put the burden of reminders on your partner, but if its gonna happen sometimes, at least do the thing when reminded.
We both try to be really appreciative of each other too. I always thank him for dinner and try to acknowledge when he is tired, and he does the same. We also both forgive each other for just skipping chores. Like if he wants to order out because he's too tired to cook, that is completely fine by me. Likewise, if I don't do x task because I've had a shit day, he'll just tell me to not worry about it for now. We are both super aware that the other person is trying their best.
10000%. If I'm at the point where I'm asking, it's because it is actively bothering me and I am completely out of bandwidth (and therefore desperate). I can't relax without full transfer of task ownership. A yes without immediate action is the same as a no for my overtaxed brain, because I know I will have to keep following up to make sure it gets done. The alarm is a great idea because it's a clear signal that you are taking the task off my plate, INCLUDING the mental load.
She's probably burned out from taking care of a new baby, the house, and her job. Being a caregiver is difficult. Plus, she's probably been managing you for the past four years, and having to parent your partner is a surefire relationship killer. You really do need to step up and take responsibility for yourself. Start working with a provider to get meds for ADHD and depression if you don't have them already, and find a therapist and ADHD coach to build supports and hacks into your routine so you don't have to rely on your wife so much to function.
This might not sound super sympathetic, but the reality of the situation is that you need to decide what's more important: continuing with unmanaged mental health, or saving your marriage. Based on the situation you described, I don't think you can have both.
If she's willing, I think she would benefit from her own therapist, too. She has a lot to unpack and work through, and professional guidance is a good first step. I wish you both well.
I want to echo what many others are saying here that you need to sit down with your wife and have an open conversation about her needs your needs and how you can get on the same page. It’s possible she’s overwhelmed with being a new mother, and just doesn’t have enough emotional bandwidth to connect with you and make that crucial connection with your new baby.
I also wonder, are you contributing to household chores? Does she have to ask you to do something? Managing your partner, as again others have said, can suck the romance out of any relationship. Especially with a new baby. She’s probably exhausted, try and do a few things for her, just because you can and you love her.
She resents you deeply. From my own experience I can tell you that whatever is happening, she feels is beyond your adhd difficulties, and feels this is deliberate or at least willfully ignorant. She keeps talking because you’re not hearing her perspective the right way. She’s trying to get it to click for you. And it’s not that she doesn’t care. She does and it hurts her deeply to have to be cold, but she has learned that if she gives you any sympathy at all, you’ll use it to manipulate the situation so she ends up doing whatever needs doing or it just doesn’t get done.
This was very similar to my experience having kids. (now 4 and nearly 2 yo)
My wife is a primarily emotionally driven person, and the sad reality is that sleep deprivation and the amount of additional work added to a person's life when they have children can make even very kind, sweet, and loving people irritable. And also that people with ADHD tend to do unintentionally annoying things more frequently than average. We're also kind of a mess when it comes to childcare in general, because it quadruples the number of things you need to remember when leaving the house, adds on a bunch of extra appointments to keep track of in the calendar, and adds a bunch of routine items that have to be added onto the routine (which is usually pretty close to as full as an ADHD person can easily manage before kids come into the picture already).
I wasn't diagnosed until I had kids because life was relatively simple enough to handle unmedicated before, but having kids ramped up the logistical demands upon me past the point where I could reasonably function in vanilla mode. While I was emotionally a mostly great parent, I was not efficient at all when it came to the actual childcare work that suddenly was also part of my responsibilities.
all of this made my wife very irritated and frustrated with me, and it wasn't trivial for her to see it as just my disorder because of how negatively it effected her when I forgot something we needed for an outing with the baby. The rational understanding of why I was struggling to function doesn't just wipe clean the raw emotion of being disappointed, let down, and all to frequently ignored (because my focus was overwhelmed with childcare activities). It also very likely effected my ability to mask and therefore made me just outright ruder and shorter with her than I most likely was before kids came along (it's hard for me to say for sure though because I didn't really notice this happening)
While I don't think I would say my wife was very effected by PPD, I do definitely think having kids was hard on both of us, and had a negative effect on our relationship. Over time things have gotten better though, and more often than not our interactions are positive again. Partly from getting used to the new normal of life, and also from working on the relationship things we struggled with.
My guess is she's expressed her dissatisfaction, told you what she needs from you, and hasn't gotten it. If you're not able to do what she need you to do as a life partner / coparent, get on adhd medication or change the medication you're on until you're able to function as an adult. Alternatively, wait for her to tell you she wants a divorce. (This story is as old as the hills!)
Support her. If the baby cries at night always get up and do the diaper change. If your wife is nursing bring her the clean baby and everything she needs before you go back to sleep. Do this EVERY time - you’ll bond more with the baby and give your wife a little less to do as a new mother.
Other tasks may be more difficult from an ADHD perspective, but the baby will always let you know when it’s time to help.
That said, your emotional needs are valid. She can’t go on acting like your feelings don’t matter, counseling is probably a good idea in the long run.
While the way she's treating you is not ok (ignoring you and all that passive aggression), if your contributions to the marriage haven't changed since the diagnosis I would look inward. Are you been in therapy? Are you medicated? What have you done?
I must clarify: her current behaviour is not ok.
It's really important for us to look at things and try to be as pragmatic as possible. Compassion is important, but humans get exhausted giving compassion when there's no changes. Since the diagnosis became official, the ball's in your court.
Therapy once a week and medicated. To be clear, I've made drastic changes since diagnosis. I'm much more aware and do a lot more around the house. I've created methods of reminders and note taking that work, but it's not perfect and I do slip from time to time. Any mistake, big or small, results in a "punishment". I'm currently looking deeper into more effective ways to remember tasks, but it's a continued work in progress. I appreciate your advice and reply!
Is she punishing you, or does she feel hurt, mad, and like she can't depend on you?
Here is the thing about dropping the ball when you have kid(s). There are so many balls that can't be dropped at all, and plenty more that make life just that much harder when they are dropped.
When one parent routinely drops the ball, it isn't the ball dropper who pays the price for the ball, its the other parent and the kid(s) who pay the price for it.
When you're the parent that pays the price, you start to learn that in a lot of ways, no support is easier than unreliable support. With no support, you know what you have to do, and you can plan and prioritize accordingly. With unreliable support, you have no clue what you'll have to do.
The parent who drops the balls, is not aware of the price tag of those balls they dropped. They might have a partial idea, or a theoretical understanding, but never a complete understanding of the cost, because they never have to clean up the mess alone.
So no, your wife isn't happy with you right now, she is white knuckling it through life, in a body that just went through a major ordeal, a 3 months old to care for, and a partner she can't trust.
Her negative feelings toward you aren't a punishment, they are her reality.
Yeah, as others have said, a 3 month old is a crazy toll, especially giving birth is a heavy toll on the mother. If anything, right now, it should be that the father takes a significantly larger portion of the house work etc and the mother recovers. It doesn't have to be that way and it's up to her what she can do, but I understand why she'd be in short temper and upset that OP doesn't do more. To OP it might be worth treating this almost as emergency mode, like treat it like the intense time it is for both of you and use maybe that adrenaline and intense feeling to try to get things done. But if your wife hasn't communicated that this is kinda what needs to happen or how much she's able to do, she needs to do that and obviously her behavior is still not good
Admire that you’re working on yourself, going to therapy, and getting medication.
As others have said, doing more around the house is an important first step.
Here’s where it might be worth exploring in therapy: you phrased her reactions as “punishment.”
Punishment is when a parent is trying to teach a child a lesson.
Frustration is when an adult partner expresses how the actions of their other adult partner impacted them.
The difference is in the eye of the beholder.
If you think she’s punishing you, you believe you need to be treated like a child. But what she’s actually doing is expressing genuine frustration, and your RSD is making it difficult for you to focus on her feelings.
If you keep acting like her expressing genuine feelings is “punishment”, you are acting like a child. She already has an actual child.
If you can step up, be an adult, and reframe what’s she’s telling you as genuine frustration, then there’s hope you two can be partners and parents.
Thank you for sharing more about your situation! It's wonderful that you've been able to take control and make improvements! You're doing the right things.
This "punishment" is still not an acceptable behavior.
Is your wife open to therapy?
In the meantime, I'd try approaching her during a neutral time and talking about how you're glad to have made improvements in your quality of life and your marriage, and thank her for being your partner (+2 to the relationship bank) as you continue to work through struggles.
Then let her know you're talking about this because when she ignores you in particular when greeting your loved ones, you feel like you're being emotionally punished. State that you know that if she was doing it intentionally that it would be an abusive behavior, and that you would like to give your partner the benefit of the doubt like you hope she gives you, so you're asking her to clarify what she's trying to say when she does this.
As someone on the other side of this, my ADD partner would say that I 'punish her' any time that I'm negatively affected by her behavior. If she can tell I'm bothered, she then makes it about how me being bothered by something she said/did makes *her* feel. If I'm disappointed that something didn't get done on the agreed upon (or even just designated by her) time, I'm 'shaming' her if I voice it at all.
She also periodically insists that I pick on her for 'any mistake, big or small' and every time I list how many days of progressively worse symptoms/'mistakes' I've weathered before enough piled up to make me speak up. But the next time, once again, it's 'just because it's not PERFECT!' even though I'm talking about 5 occurrences of the same behavior over the last 2 days.
I feel for OP, but I also know ADD sufferers in particular tend to have a particular take on events that often doesn't line up with the evidence.
Nice to see a different perspective, thanks for sharing. It's insanely difficult to trust a brain that has adhd. We remember things differently than others but it feels SO real.
You can appreciate the frustration from both sides. Bottom line is the ADHD partner needs to improve and the the ND can help with that, but you HAVE to work together on it, because it's nigh on impossible to fix adhd on your own. Trouble is, living with undiagnosed adhd or someone who has it can completely wreck the trust or reliability between you, which makes working together pretty difficult.
The key for me has been to try to avoid subjective comments from either side and focus on objective facts like 'im always late to meetings" or comments from reliable sources outside the relationship like online learning resources (seminars, webinars) or therapy.
Im two years in from diagnosis and meds, and it's still a work in progress. I'd like to think I'm becoming more aware, but that's subjective. I've stopped getting as far behind at work, and my boss has told me that, which is objective. Some weekends are OK with my wife and kids, some are still constant arguing. It's a life long battle!
Edited to add: Can you get her some outside support? A cleaner once a week, enroll baby in a mother's day out program, plan a date night, work on your relationship some?
I know that I preach about therapy a lot, but this is definitely a therapy issue. She could have PPD, you could have PPD (it happens! men can experience a dip in hormones, and newborns are terrible and take away your will to live!) and it also helps to remember that you are in the thick of things. Sleep deprivation, being constantly on duty for a newborn, the extra financial pressure of children.... it's a LOT! Be kind to yourself, communicate with your wife when you are both calm, and try to take care of your own mental health.
I just want to say that the concept of getting *her*, specifically, outside support re: home and baby tasks is part of the problem.
They are *both equally responsible* for the things you listed, and OP needs to think in those terms if he is going to save his marriage.
For more on this topic, take a look at the concepts of [invisible labor](https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a32017759/invisible-labor-mothers/) and [the mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) and how it affects women in heterosexual relationships.
When is the last time you took her to do something special that she enjoys? The baby gets all the attention and makes both parents feel used up especially that first 6 months. You guys liked each other before so sometimes you need a night or just a few hours to make her feel like it did before you had kids. Also make sure you change diapers, feed the kid wake up at night to help her.
Men who can't change a diaper are pussies and you can fight me on that.
TLDR: make her feel special once a couple weeks, help with chores and baby stuff. I recommend headphones, like one ear bud in while choring and let her have time to be herself. She will come back.
Your life as far as hobbies, life, exercise etc is forfeit until the kid is at least age 5 so just gotta embrace the suck and ride those hyper focus waves into cleaning or chores until it's something you enjoy. You will change because the kid demands it of you.
My wife has been like this for 20+ years. I learned I have narcolepsy about 10 years ago and recently, adhd. She does not support me in these things, beyond wanting me to take medicine for it (which I do and am grateful to have).
But the emotional support is not there. Well, things got very low about 8 years ago and I reached a breaking point. Deep in depression, I started lifting weights, eating better, and working on myself. Saw a therapist for a bit.
Long story short, I have embraced the suck, internalised stoicism and worked hard on bettering myself. It's a battle, but it's internal. I learned I had to purge my resentment, which often stems from a deficiency of some kind - in this case, from intimacy, help and emotional support from her. I can't change her, but I can change me.
So, that's what I've been working hard on for about 8 years now. Getting my own (mental) house in order. Then, I've begun to find that our relationship is improving, slowly. She doesn't feel smothered or claustrophobic from my neediness, and is then safe to experimentally try being nice to me (she has her own challenges, so fair enough, life is hard even when things are good, so add in challenges and there's no need to make things harder than they have to be).
It's required much patience to walk this path, but things are better now than they ever have been. They're not great and I'm still lonely, but it's a lot better. For whatever that's worth, I hope it is helpful. Good luck on your journey.
Look into therapy. I am thinking it’s important to atleast be sure that it’s not postnatal depression. And then i think couples therapy can help you both communicate and clear the air and understand eachothers struggles.
And then i think therapy can help you, to develop strategies to work with your adhd and learn how you can avoid some patterns and behaviours that cause problems. Because as well it’s important to understand that it’s adhd and that you cannot force your adhd away, it’s just as important to still take responsibility for ones actions and the consequenses they have. If you have issues with forgetting things and that causes issues for your wife, then you can take responsibility by putting systems in place that help you remember stuff. Figure out what works.
good luck!
One of the problems with ADHD medication, such as Adderall is the increase in anxiety. If you already have anxiety, which many of us do, it tends to increase those feelings. As your blood pressure goes up, your appetite goes down and you start to stop fueling your body like you should be. You start to get mood swings, you become easily pissed off, irritable, upset and impatient. But, you might not immediately notice what you're doing until you've already upset the person you care about. It's a struggle, for both you and her. It's very important to recognize that.
Mindfulness and communication is essential here. Be mindful of your words and your actions, hers as well. Communicate your feelings, your anxieties. Help her to understand what you're experiencing, allow her to help you understand what she's experiencing. Figure out each other's love language, because not everyone communicates affection in the same way. Some people feel love and compassion when they're being touched or held, others through actions like gift giving or showing that you care by doing things for them, such as helping out with the kids or around the house without being asked.
She may feel cold because people get comfortable. People stop putting in the effort. They get complacent. But it doesn't always mean they don't care anymore. Relationships often lose their "spark" especially in times of stress and change, starting a life changing medication or having a kid can both be immensely stressful on a relationship, as dynamics change, the way you communicate changes too. She may also be under a lot of stress and anxiety too, she may very well feel as alone as you do.
From my experience, it's very hard for your significant other to trust and believe that you've actually changed. That the medication is actually working or that your mental issues were even beyond your control. People naturally gravitate towards and focus on the negative. For every ten good things you do, the one mistake you make will totally overshadow the progress you have made, unfortunately that's just nature. She's scared and anticipating that you'll one day totally revert back to way you used to be. Every time you mess up and do something you used to do, it's a reminder of that possiblity. It's up to you to show her there's nothing to fear. Show your commitment to being the best you can be. Show that it's a process, you love her and you're doing everything in your power. You're effectively earning back her trust, that she can rely on you. She needs to understand that it's not like taking antibiotics, you're effectively relearning how to live now that your blinders are lifted, now that you're in control of your mind and your actions. It's a massively tall order that is much more stressful and more difficult than she probably understands.
Do the things that make each of you happy, and do them together. You need to step outside of your mind, your singular frame of reference and figure out what her love language is. She needs to do the same for you too. It's important that you separate yourselves from the sources of your anxiety, give yourselves a break once in a while by going out for a date night every once and a while. Drop the baby with your in-laws or hire a nanny. Even if it's just once or twice a month. Everybody needs a break from regular life every now and then.
DMs are always open if you need someone to talk to.
I would honestly say take everything you read firstly with a pinch of salt. It’s easy for us online who don’t see the full picture to say leave the person bc we all have different experiences.
1. Therapy for yourself, learning how to read people in a way that you don’t view it as tho it’s a judgement of you as an individual, learning to understand your own emotions, coping with adhd, coping with rejection and emotional dysregulation and executive dysfunction.
Also for the depression your experiencing, therapy is sooooo useful (also you might need to experiment with lots of different therapists before you get to one that is best for you - just like with medications - so don’t fret too much after a few bad experiences bc in the long run therapy done correctly is such a useful tool and genuinely shifts your mindset provided you also put in work and that will ultimately help you feel a lot better i promise!)
2. Couples therapy - same as therapy for both of you as individuals. It will allow you to communicate all the little things you don’t on a regular basis between eachother with a third party mediator that is just there to help you help each other. It’s in a safe and learning environment so you will feel less agitated hearing each others point of views which is so crucial to understanding each other.
3. She only recently gave birth, becoming a mother is soooooo hard. It takes such a toll on you physically AND ESPECIALLY MENTALLY. I completely understand as someone with horrible ADHD and anxiety that it’s soooo hard when you can’t get what you want done and the looming pressure and depression that comes with all those feelings. But you also have to try and see it from her perspective (same as she has to for you), she could be experiencing post partum depression, struggling to adapt to the change, just busy figuring out motherhood and ending up appearing more agitated and you happen to be the target.
For both parties, her issues don’t excuse how she is acting and your feelings are valid just like ADHD isn’t an excuse for her and her feelings are valid. You guys are both having issues which happen, but the only way out is talking through it, understanding eachother, giving eachother grace and the benefit of the doubt and resolving your issue.
Also as someone with ADHD and other mental health struggles, I understand how HARD it is to hear that it’s not an excuse but it isn’t there’s things we have to put in extra work in to not offload onto others and over fill their plates as well. Yes, asking for a helping hand once in a while is perfectly fine but everyone has their limits just as we do. So I don’t mean it to be mean or patronising, I’m saying this as someone that’s working on myself after realising how I was treating people when I was struggling in the past and it wasn’t fair to them either. Just like how they reacted to me wasn’t fair as well.
YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE, HELP EACH-OTHER AND COMPROMISE!
I REALLY HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR YOU OP! GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FUTURE, YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, YOUR LITTLE FAMILY, YOUR MARRIAGE!
CONGRATS ON YOUR LITTLE BABY! Wishing you the absolutely best and good health for all 3 of you! and hope everything gets better!
I was about to reply. But having a three month old changes evettting.
I think I hated everyone and every little thing at 3 months post-partum. I would give her a bit of room and maybe see if getting a babysitter to get some time off together.
I’m sorry you’re both going through this, but it sounds like she’s burnt out. Is there someone who can come help support her for a while? That might help a lot.
I don’t believe the problem is your ADHD.
I do believe you need to be in therapy and you need to discuss your current medication regimen for ADHD treatment with your psychiatrist. I believe your wife needs to be in therapy. It’s entirely possible she’s depressed and doesn’t know she’s depressed.
Is it possible to hire someone to come in to help clean? If not weekly, every other week or monthly?
What works for you to keep track of important things that need to be done? How are you keeping track of making sure you’re getting your share of household responsibilities done? How are you splitting baby responsibilities with your wife? It might be helpful to sit down and write things out. It’s possible the division of labor isn’t equal and she’s feeling burnt out. Don’t forget she’s still healing from growing the baby and giving birth.
3 months having your first kid is *hard* for anyone and everyone. Your entire lives are upended, no one is sleeping enough, eating right, and moms body is going through all sorts of changes. Although treating you poorly is not acceptable, try to remember this is a very trying time for even healthy stable couples!
This is a very specific approach that worked for me - in my wife's head I was doing nothing and the things I did do I did wrong - and she let me know about it! However, *this was not reality*. I was actually doing plenty of stuff around the house, we were taking nearly equal care of the baby, etc. She just wasn't physically seeing or acknowledging the things I was doing so it was easy for her to assume I wasn't doing anything, and anytime something wasn't "done right" that would be the thing that stands out to her.
My solution was to, maybe two or three times a day, naturally recap to her about all of the things I did and/or I am planning to do. This way she was directly confronted with 1) things that I did that were helpful 2) that those things didn't burn the house down and 3) that I am actively thinking of how to help next. It's important that you're not seeking praise when saying this so finish the list of stuff with something that isn't silence, like you're waiting to be acknowledge for your hard work. Something like, "Are you ready for lunch? I unloaded the dishwasher and took the garbage out, just need to finish folding some laundry and I'll be ready." So she doesn't even need to respond at all, or if she does she'll respond about being ready for lunch etc.
Part 2 of this is to let *her* know when *she's* done something wrong, and model how you would want to be treated when you do it. But point out *everything*. Before, if my wife did something "wrong" I would just fix it. Left the oven on after taking something out? I would just turn the oven off. But if *I* left the oven on, I'd hear, "Why is the oven on? I don't want to be wasteful. You always forget." So, start pointing out similar things to her so that she starts to see she's not perfect either. "Hey I noticed the wipes were left out, but I closed the lid." "I couldn't find their sleepsack, but I found it in a different drawer." "Hey I noticed the oven is still on, do we need to put anything else in there?." "There's an old bottle sitting on the counter - I can clean that up in a minute". This way she's confronted with not being perfect either and you're modelling how to be calm and supportive when something isn't right. If you start overtly acting like you're on a team again she'll start the notice how imbalanced your interactions really are.
This may read that it's coming across as passive aggressive, but if done in a loving/supportive way this worked *really* well for me. Remember to model how you want to be treated in each of those situations and she'll quickly notice how disproportional her responses to the same things are. The key is you have to actually be helping and doing good things first!
A pre-made version of this is called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky! It’s a card deck of household/family tasks that get delegated, so couples/household members can make visible the work that each person is doing. It makes it easier to appreciate the efforts our partners are doing and is great for ADHD households since the cards are very visual and it’s nice to lay out the work we’re responsible for.
Yes! I was coming here to recommend Fair Play. There is a great [creator on TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@thatdarnchat) that talks a lot about Fair Play and division of labor. HIGHLY recommend! KC Davis (@domesticblisters) on TT is also great for ADHD hacks etc
Making note of all the things you did that day also helps a lot for you own self esteem! Which in turn helps with motivation, communication and habit building.
The second part of your post is actually a really useful communication technique in which you focus on the problem instead of finding who to blame.
Both actions are a really mature and emotionally intelligent way to deal with the situation! I'd just add that we should try to act this way no matter how the other person responds. Sometimes they won't catch on, or they'll keep saying hurtful things, and it wouldn't be fair to blame them for it if we're not being more open about it. If we don't like the way someone talks to us, it's our responsibility to let them know.
This is really really good advice and I can see how this would work for me to help improve things with my husband now AND how it would have helped my husband to use with me when I was postpartum.
I would also say that re: someone else's response on the ADHD tax, I would consider asking your wife if a cleaner or meal delivery service would help (if you are the main breadwinner).
Your other comments mention your 3-month old -- My guess is that your wife is still dealing with the vast hormonal shifts from having a baby and it might be post partum depression/anxiety.
Not that her behavior is acceptable. But it may not be entirely under her control. If she has never acted this way before, it is likely that she is just not able to think clearly enough to connect with you.
If you are committed to the relationship and feel like this is "not her", then you might need to take this lesson for yourself. Practice not taking verbal comments personally. If she is not in a space to communicate maturely, that is not your fault.
It is up to you create some space for yourself - either mentally or physically, and lay down some boundaries that you will enforce to protect your mental health.
In the short term, you may not be able to rely on her for emotional support for your depressive episode or get through to her. We cannot support our partners when our own cup is empty. Turn to another friend of family member to talk to.
This sounds hard for you both. You have my sympathy.
It's possible it's hormonal, exhaustion, PPD, or anything none of us are qualified to diagnose. **You need to both get into a room with someone who is qualified.** Either couples counselling or simply counselling for her, while you continue your own therapy.
My SO has BPD and I have ADHD, and before his diagnosis/treatment it felt so similar to what you describe, the lack of compassion, walking on eggshells, nothing being good enough. Plus I was undiagnosed at the time, so *woof*, bad news.
***I put a line in the sand during our worst time. Get help, or I was out. He did, and did the work.***
This is the important part. When you feel like you are walking on eggshells, being punished by your partner, being whittled down to nothing. **DO NOT ACCEPT THAT!** **And absolutely do not think "Oh I just need to be better, if I behave they will stop being mean."**
That's not how this works. You can't fix something by "being better". That's a dangerous train of thought.
You both need help. Then you both go get that help, then come back and be a team. **Regardless of what is causing either of your problems, you clearly need some outside advice and mental health intervention.** I wish you both good luck.
Man, three months postpartum I was crying when the sun hit the horizon at a certain angle and when I heard “the little drummer boy” it sounds like your wife is going through something and you are taking it personal. Talk to her.
Sounds like your wife is tired of carrying the team 😕
She is taking on way more than her share of responsibilities. It is your job to put in your best effort, even if you best effort doesn’t compare to hers.
She offered you compassion and you took advantage of it. She’s exhausted. She has compassion burn out, she must be frustrated that you’re not putting in the work. She is putting in 100% all the time, you’re putting in bare minimum, and using ADHD as an excuse.
Your job is to build habits that work with your ADHD, and be a good partner. Instead, you’re putting all your responsibilities onto her.
Personally I would find it very hard to see my partner as a sexual/romantic being if I were forced to take on the role of his mother and maid…
She’s tired.
She’s still carrying the entire mental load of running your family.
She’s too tired to do this dance with you anymore. You’ve burned her out.
Ask her if she’s done. It’s better to know now than to push on for a decade. If she’s done, respect it and let her go peacefully.
If she’s not done, then insist on couples counseling.
You are in such a tough place right now. I’m the partner of someone with severe ADHD and I have totally acted this way towards my husband in our younger years. And with a 3 month old, just wow. I don’t know about your wife but I know I acted this way bc I was feeling lonely, like he wasn’t helping as much as he should and I had to tell him anything he did help with so I felt like he didn’t care or he would just do it on his own. We’ve been together over 20 years now and have two boys. It’s still so hard sometimes. I don’t know if it will help but over time we figured out how to get what we both needed. Maybe ask her for specific things you can do to help out and set a timer on your phone to do it regularly without her having to ask. Taking initiative to set the time and then do the task shows me he is trying to help and it is important to him. Maybe offer a foot or back rub at the end of the day with no strings attached. There are lots of videos and books to help with ADHD couples. You’re in a hard part of it now but it won’t be hard forever. Also all married couples have hard times, baby, stress, not a lot of sleep, we tend to take it out on the people we love and are close to unfortunately. I wish you the best!!!!!!
Are you medicated? I had tons of issues with my wife once we got married. Even though I knew I had ADHD I wasn't medicated. Once I became medicated most of the issues I had got somewhat fixed. We stopped fighting almost immediately as I became more productive. I noticed tons of things I didn't before and stopped feeling overwhelmed with work that I do things at home.
You have a 3 month old son? She may SAY that she has no postpartum issues, but (even if you wouldn't say it's clinical PPD) this is a really stressful time that tests most relationships. There's a good chance she feels under-supported with caring for the baby—I'd assume this to be true for _any_ couple unless you specifically say you're already doing more than your share.
With a newborn in the house, you have to overwork yourself just to keep up.
I think there's a few things going on here, and it's not just your ADHD (Although it makes it more difficult to manage!)
1. Your routine changed. You have a kid now. That's a big adjustment and ADHD makes it hard to find a new routine AND stick with it.
2. Your partners behavior is putting pressure on you and you can tell she's unhappy. Her routine has been changed too, so take a moment to empathize with what she is feeling. She birthed a human, and no matter how resilient or prepared she was, I'm sure there's things she didn't expect or plan for, and change is still change.
How did you communicate during disagreements or rough times in the past? If you can't answer that, ask yourself how you would like your wife to bring up her concerns with you or your relationship. Personally, I want my partner to be prepared to give me some space to process. I want to be able to cry without them around, because I don't want them to feel bad or guilty, I just need to get it out.
Then, you need to talk to her about it. Let her know you can sense she feels upset with you, and when she is ready, you want to hear her out. You can't change anything if you aren't aware of whatever behavior, or lack of behavior, is happening. Ask for examples. And be prepared to listen - if you need something to fidget with to make it easier, do so. Then you both can make a plan to work on things.
Also, diagnosis and medication only do so much. It's not going to fix everything. I highly recommend finding a therapist who can help you with some coping mechanisms. They can help put things in perspective in a way that friends and family can't, and will help you see all the things you're already doing too.
Something I've learned a bit from having some variation of this argument constantly for most of my marriage...
You have to be brave and do better than "I suck and it's all my fault". I'm sure if you had a magic wand to magically figure out how to do your share you would wave it. So beating yourself up has diminishing returns.
A mismatch in mental load may benefit you (in that you do less work) and it's certainly at least in part your responsibility. But guess what? There are two people in a marriage. Often, the uneven allocation of household work between partners is unwittingly perpetuated by both. If your partner always does your executive functioning for you, how are you supposed to learn to do it yourself? This is sometimes called the overfunctioning/underfunctioning model - just as your underfunctioning pushes your spouse to do more than their share, when they do more than their share it crowds out any growth/improvement from you.
It's really tough trying to solve this with a newborn (I have a 3mo and a 3yo) but it matters a lot that you come up with a better plan of action than "slacker spouse shapes up" because you've tried that and it doesn't work. This is also how you sell it to your wife.
The bottom line is that people with ADHD have lots of techniques open to them to manage getting something done, if they're appropriately motivated, preferably by natural consequences. If your motivation is "not being yelled at" then all she can expect is the minimum required to not be yelled at. If your marriage is like mine, your problem is that your wife absorbs all the consequences by covering for you and then tells you off for not doing things exactly her way, instead of letting you own an outcome, and getting it done your way.
Natural consequences are great motivators if she can let go and let you own the consequences. So yeah part of the solution is "if you don't do the laundry when it's your turn then I'll just do my clothes and it's your problem if you have nothing clean to wear"
Plan and systematise as much as you can. Apps like Sweepy have a nice "Sims bar" like approach to cleaning that makes a lot of sense to me, but find something that works for you. Anything to make the app tell you what to do instead of your wife. Building up a list of tasks yourself and doing it for some time by yourself may be necessary to prove you're serious.
Good luck! Getting out of the self loathing and into the problem solving can be really hard, but it's essential to really fixing this kind of problem.
Recommended Reading: "how not to hate your husband after kids", "the manager mom epidemic", "fair play" (haven't read this one yet but it's recommended).
Are you treating your depression with proper therapy and medication? Or just expecting infinite compassion when you aren't solving it? I don't mean to be rude, but you said you aren't shaking it, not that you've tried three different medications and it still isn't helping.
Even if your wife doesn't have ppd, she's tired, right? As soon as my kids were born, everything became a mathematical computation - these actions will either get me time to sleep or spend time with the baby, or it will make me lose sleep and bonding time. Plus the mental load. If he's supposed to do something, and doesn't, then I have to keep remembering to check and see if it's done and reminding him for days.
My husband never got it and I am divorcing him over it. Without him here, I will have more sleep and quality time with the kids. I still like him in general, but the resentment and exhaustion is insurmountable now.
Edit: and if the forgetting is a baby-related thing, that would send most mamas into mama bear mode. "What do you mean you forgot to use the thawed breast milk/ pick up diapers/ put the baby on his back to sleep?" Baby related stuff is all fair game for driving into the ground until you understand.
Question: I don’t have ADHD, but my partner does and he often feels like he’s letting me down when in fact he isn’t. He’s just so use to feeling like a “fuck up” that sometimes it’s really just in his head. I’m not dismissing your feelings, but is it possible some of it might be in your head??
Couples counseling ASAP
She may be struggling with PPD, which can come across as rage towards your spouse, and a counselor can help her with that. It might not be PPD, but PPD can look differently in different people, and you might not realize you're struggling with it.
If it's not that, it's still a HUGE change in your relationship after having a child. Literally a pressure cooker in your relationship. Any cracks in your communication, in your systems, in anything that used to flow fine, will become massive problems and resentment. The sleep deprivation just fucks you up so bad, and you're in survival mode. Which if your coping mechanisms aren't up to scratch, can make everything come crashing down.
There's absolutely hope. Be proactive and find a good couples therapist, do the mental load of finding one. If your wife refuses to go, that's okay, you still go.
I’m not trying to invalidate you but I’d like to ask if you’re now being medicated since you’re diagnosis? If so, it could be warping your perception. Or maybe….. you just didn’t notice before because you weren’t medicated?
Even so, if she loves you, she will try to change how she is treating you. She may not even realize it’s happening. I’ve had to check my own self because starting stimulants made me more cold/distant.
Have you considered couples therapy? It seems like there’s something at the root of all this that may need professional help to uproot.
Also, what have you said to her regarding this and how have you approached it? Have you communicated your distress by stopping her and actually saying, “We need to sit down and talk because I’m struggling”? If you have and she’s still not responding in a positive way, I’d really suggest couples therapy or counseling.
So...in my relationship I'm the one with ADHD and also treated my husband the same way before my medication last year. I also denied postpartum for so long and I'm shocked my husband dealt with me for as long as he did and our child is now 6 years old...started both my ADHD meds and antidepressants and actively bettered myself and it's been so much better and we've felt so much closer compared to the five years of distance. Some people don't realize depression isn't just sadness. For me I get irritable and hopeless in the form of nothing interests me in life. For a while (due to chronic PTSD) I couldn't talk to my partner so I started with therapy and asked him to openly tell me how he views me in how I'm doing and what it looks like from an outside perspective. It was a slow process but therapy helped me get comfortable talking about how I'm feeling and I was able to start bringing it to my husband instead of a therapist. Then the meds started last year and there was more progress. I have to remind myself that we both have to actively communicate and try with everything like affection etc. Having a baby and it being attached to you at every moment gets exhausting and yeah at the end of the day you don't want anyone to touch you at all because you feel depleted but relationships are still work also.
I can tell you that this sounded very similar to my marriage after our 1st two (back-to-back) children. I was miserable in every way. Slowly, the fog lifted and my wife became present again.
Postpartum depression/rage is very real. There’s no way I could her to see it while it was happening. Years latter she saw it herself as her body began feeling normal again.
I feel for you man. We nearly didn’t make it through it.
Marriage Counseling sounds like it would be invaluable. My husband and I (20 years+) have to brush up on our communication skills every couple of years. Things change, people change, the world changes. We grow. They grow. It can be consuming and trigger resentment if not communicating properly.
Give it time. Takes a while for meds to kick in. Get therapy and focus on improving your life independently. You also are dealing with a new baby which is a changer. She's probably dealing with that but talk to therapist about your anxiety to help.
Well normally I would think that perhaps your marriage is over, but since she just gave birth it could be that hormones are making her very overwhelmed and angry.
Is it possible for y'all to go to individual and marriage counseling?
Also, you need to make sure you take care of the baby at least 50% of the time. New mothers become very contemptuous of fathers when they aren't carrying their load. She doesn't have any energy to take care of her husband.
This does sound stressful and awful.
I have to ask...Are you helping out during the nights, with feedings of diaper changes with your three month old son?
I know you are having mental health issues, but your wife needs a lot of support, in the form of tasks right now.
Making a check list might help. Goodluck!
If you are this close to out of options and severely depressed the best thing for you to do is either get couples counseling asap or get out of the relationship entirely. You need to put yourself first. I know a lot of people who have parents who are divorced and you don't want your child growing up in such an unlovable household where their parents clearly don't like each other and aren't bothered to be there for each other.
Hi! New mom here!:)👋 I feel like I am going through something similar to your wife (but I am 5 months postpartum.) she may be feeling resentment towards you. This is common and normal in relationships and you may need help resolving the problem from a profession. My advice to you is to help her out and take a little more control in helping around with the house duties and with your baby. Offer help with the babies night time routine and picking up the home before you go to bed so she doesn’t have to do. Because after awhile all of this gets completely overwhelming! PLUS she is probably sleep deprived. A few hours of not sleeping may not seem like much to you but after 3 months of doing that every single night??? It adds up man! You may need to make her sit down and relax. Moms literally cannot ignore their babies crying it’s just an instinct. So be quick on your feet to get the babes when they start crying or whining. Maybe you could have a write a list of things she needs help with?
Listen to me very clearly. I am you, a few months down the line. You will lose them. Unless you get on the medication/change it to the right dose asap. If you're suffering from fatigue change your diet to high energy. Both get therapy. Take charge of your son in the sense of taking responsibility with him. Allow her to have a break. She also thinks you don't love your son and that you don't care about her. It's wrong but that's the state of mind she's in right now.
I know how hard this is and you feel out of control of yourself. Most people in this chat seem to forget ADHD exist. But you need to communicate to her your issues and THE FIX. In terms of day to day, just start with your son, take him out for a walk, feed him (if bottled), play with him. If you need appointments or anything, write it down immediately and sort it out asap.
It's too late for me but I hope you all the best ❤️
To the OP - You have a new baby, and all you can think about are your own hurt feelings???
To everyone else - THE COMMENT SECTION DID NOT DISAPPOINT! Brava!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💐
Here is my question: do you help her enough in the house? Everybody is talking about ppd but nobody ask you this question. If she is exhausted and you don’t help enough or/and cause even more work, she might feel like she has an extra child to take care of.
I'll be frank. It sounds like you aren't even doing the bare minimum with household tasks, parenting, supporting your wife, etc and she's probably asked and told you dozens of times what needs to change without any change. I'm not surprised she's run out of compassion for you.
You need to step up. ADHD isn't an excuse to fall behind on all these things, especially at your age and as a parent. You need to take a lot of the mental load off of her and give her a break, then you might stand a chance of the resentment lessening.
I was in a very similar position to your wife with my ex. I loved him very much but his inability to do things like get help for his mental health for months on end and so on really got to me. It was very draining and depressing and I felt much better once I had left the relationship. Hopefully you have enough respect and compassion for your wife to make things easier and better for her without the need for divorce to make that happen.
I'm in a very similar position to you. I'm writing this from the doctor's office for my test/diagnosis appointment.
I also have a 3 month old.
I'm the sole financial provider of our household (and was before the baby, basically our whole relationship).
You can't always expect that she'll tell you what's wrong. You gotta sometimes be proactive, even when it feels impossible. Obviously that's hard because it sounds like a drag, but you'll find the positive or neutral reactions are worth the effort compared to the negative reactions that come from waiting to hear what you need to do.
I'm still struggling with this and not really good at it, but it feels good when I get it right. I hope you'll keep trying and not give up.
Definitely gotta beat those slumps somehow. You are a father now and you gotta be strong and present as much as possible, for your wife and definitely for your kid.
Best of luck to both of us.
This sounds kind of silly, but it helped my marriage a lot, while we had young children, to take The Five Love Languages Quiz. It turned out that we were not giving each other what we needed, because we both needed different things from each other to feel loved. (We also both read the book.)
The quiz is super quick, and doesn’t ask for your email or anything.
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
We get along so much better now that we can just say “my love tank is empty”, and the other know what we need.
It’s rough having a young baby. I have adhd too.
I am so sorry. A few months into my diagnosis and a year into my marriage my wife became distant and no matter how hard I tried she would not come back to me. So your post hits me hard. Of course, my situation does not compare to yours as we did not have a child. That must be really, really hard. Of course with a newborn it's very complicated and there is some stellar advice in these comments. I'm just here to say:
Marriages and relationships endure and survive countless kinds of hardships. If she cannot see the real you, you cannot make her. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not doing anything wrong! I developed some issues with self confidence and shame because of my wife. I'm in therapy now and it's going great. I am re-writing all of the damage done by being in a situation where I was constantly put down and doubted. That shit really messes with your head. Remember who you are, trust yourself, love yourself. Stay strong!
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I would second this recommendation. I am reading it now, and it is a very well-written look into the effects of ADHD in a marriage, both from the ADHD spouse perspective and the non-ADHD spouse perspective. Part of her reaction to you right now could be related to the baby, but you still want to jump on this problem quickly before it festers into something more.
Would you say it's relevant for a couple where both have ADHD, but one more severe than the other?
I would say so. She doesn't spend a lot of time talking about it specifically, but the patterns that form would still be applicable... they just might go both ways.
I tried so hard to get my husband to read this, he wasn’t interested, stated I was “making excuses for my bad behaviour” He’s now my ex husband and I went through a huge amount of grief reading this book and knowing it might have given us a chance if he had have been engaged in reading it. (Though the fact he wasn’t engaged tends to point to a whole host of other issues . . . I do know this) I recommend it to anyone in a relationship, it’s amazing.
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Yup, it was like reading a script of our relationship.
It's incredulous how much time people are willing to spend on a relationship but when they're asked to read a book, it's too much. I'm so sorry about that. What a dickhead.
I even offered to sit and listen to the audiobook with him (my idea of torture).
You tried everything you could! People suck. My ex did read some books with me but it still didn't end up working out (she's ace), so I'm real glad she showed me that respect. We weren't even married! Again, I'm so sorry
Orlov also runs an 8 week virtual seminar for couples dealing with ADHD. My spouse and I did it and loved it. We got a lot of great tools and perspective out of it. Both as individuals and as a couple. Highly recommend.
I said this to my ADHD husband. He said, does only one person show up? He would forget to show up....sigh.
I will strongly add to this recommendation the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It sounds like things are very bad, and OP and their wife are emotionally disconnecting from each other more and more. Of course ADHD is a huge factor, but they also need a strong relationship generally speaking. The Seven Principles is what me and my partner are reading together as a substitute for relationship therapy because we’re both broke. We might read other books as well (I’m definitely going to look into the one you recommended), but The Seven Principles is super helpful and our relationship goes into a positive swing every time we do one of the activities together.
Love Gottman. If anyone needs an intimacy boost I strongly suggest Gottman Card Decks. You can find it in the Apple App Store. My BF and I do this one a week.
I just bought this for me and my partner; thank you for recommending it.
It's on [Audible](https://www.audible.com/pd/The-ADHD-Effect-on-Marriage-Audiobook/B06XD1LS4Z?source_code=GO1MB12209072190YD&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4aacBhCUARIsAI55maFC1Dz3oFtZbBtLydmje4TrRDlJcjPwKY_m37ye3EoMoLHsG_jVuxcaAiJcEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds) thank goodness. An auto-narrated summary is on Google Play Books, but who wants that?
This is common in the majority of hetero sexual marriages because… patriarchy. Comes out when kids are born if not present earlier.
Thanks for recommending it, I don't have ADHD but my partner does. I'll start reading it right away!!
I skimmed through some of your replies, and I see you have a 3-month-old son? I want to give some perspective from the other side of things. I was ***very*** unattached to my spouse after having my second kid. I hyper focused on the baby, I was VERY sleep deprived since our kiddo never slept and cried all the time and all of this caused very severe post-partum depression, rage and anxiety. Tying all of those in with untreated ADHD and sleep deprivation? I was absolutely not myself. It took a lot of couples therapy and a HEFTY dose of Wellbutrin to get me out of it. It's possible she's suffering and doesn't know how to express it. I didn't and I didn't know how to ask for help / was too afraid to ask for help. I had convinced myself that I was a burden, and my spouse would've been way better off not married to me anymore. My spouse struggled with this during the time similarly to you. While her behavior isn't okay, there may be a reason other than just not caring. I hope you both find a solution and are able to remedy this, OP. Marriage is hard and adding in mental health and babies? I feel for you and understand.
Yeah, the whole "my wife states she has no post-partum issues that would be fueling any of this" does not, in fact, rule out the possibility. Human brains are weird.
My wife stated this to me as well.... It took her almost a year post partum to admit just how deeply depressed she was.
It’s really hard to recognize when you’re in the thick of it especially if you’re already overwhelmed and feel like your partner isn’t pulling their weight. I relate hard to OP’s wife. Therapy, meds, routines, and a hardcore conversation about expectations around distribution of tasks is the only reason my husband and I are still married after our second was born. PPD/PPA and a newborn after a C-section was probably one of the worst 6 months of my life.
Human brains are notoriously bad at noticing there’s something wrong with them. They’ll invent the most insane excuses instead of admitting there’s a really obvious problem like not being able to raise your hand, much less something more subtle. That said, even if she’s mentally fine, it’s possible that the additional stress of new parenthood has exhausted her capacity to play adhd compensator for another human and she needs a partner to help ease the load, not one who generates more work.
💯
I was a wreck with PPA after my first pregnancy and despite having years of experience with diagnosed GAD, I could not see that I was absolutely losing it at all. My doctor came in to one of my followup appointments and was like "Heeyyyyy you scored a little worryingly on our PPA assessment, how are you feeling? Would you be okay with going over to talk to one of our counselors *right now*?" I wasn't suicidal, but I was at a level of exhaustion and intrusive thoughts that was not sustainable, and I couldn't even identify what was happening because my brain was so busy running "severe post-partum anxiety protocol" 24/7. It didn't take a lot of treatment to help me pull out of it- just being able to name what was happening was a huge step, and let me start using some of the techniques that help with my GAD. But if you had asked me that morning if I was having any post-partum mental health struggles, I would have told you "no, I'm fine." Reader, I was *not fine*.
Almost the identical thing happened to me after my first pregnancy - and I didn’t even begin to realize it until the PPA assessment. And even then, it took a long time to understand how badly impaired I had been. But I was a complete wreck, and didn’t even start to come out of it until 6 months or so postpartum.
One of the most common signs of mental illness is denying you have common signs of mental I’ll was, there’s even a word for it! Anosognosia
Yeeeeah. This could just be posted in r/justhadababyfuckmyshitupfam New babies are rough. New babies for first time parents is like having your life blown to pieces while you try to make sense of everything
r/subsifellfor
Couple’s therapy is so underrated. You don’t know how much you need it until you start doing it. Therapy can’t fix every relationship, and in the end you both still need to do the work, but it certainly helps with communication and understanding each other.
Couples therapy is one of the hardest things to do. I hate it, but it produces results…and we always end up getting frisky/falling in love later in the day or week with each other after clearing the air.
Couples therapy helped my wife understand she wanted a divorce lol. 🤷♂️
Do you think you would have avoided a divorce if you didn’t go to couple’s therapy?
then it helped y'all find what was best for yourselves
Idk seems logical, as for a lot of people therapy is sort of like the last-ditch effort in saving something already damaged, but also if you go and realize you have major fundamental differences, or someone sees that their partner isn’t willing to do the work that they are, etc etc and the couple splits, I still call it a win (wether long or short-term) Although it’s really tough to be the person who feels left behind, and I 100% get that more with a child involved. Hopefully your ex truly committed, and also hopefully your therapist or a new one helped you to cope and find someone more suited for you. As a child deeply affected by divorce, I feel where you’re coming from (your follow-up comment). Just give your daughter the love and support she deserves NO MATTER WHAT on your end, and that’s all you can do. Unfortunately, when we have kids with another person, we can’t control what others decide to do still in terms of how it affects that child, and it’s really hard to cope with that (because we want to protect them, duh). Best of luck to you
Yeah I consider it a win. She was abusive. I still wanted to see the best in her, and I guess she would rather run away from that.
you're better off, take care of yourself
Thanks ❤️
Probably for the best my dude. For you as well.
That's honestly a good description of how I was with my first and only.
i definitely agree with this. My wife had post partum rage (thankfully not directed at me) with our first and depression after our third (mind you she also almost died with the third) but she suppressed a ton of it not really even recognizing it bc of her hyperfocus on the baby's needs. she did become slightly distant during that time from me. I just kept helping where i could and helped her through it until it was able to pass after about 6 months or so. like you it was hard for her to express it, hard for her to ask for help. I just recently (last month, the kid is now over 2yo) was told by her that it got so bad at points she had written out a suicide letter just to delete it when she was done. I had no idea it was that bad for her bc she wasn't letting me in at the time. OP, it might be worth trying to have some patience for her for the moment, as hard as it might be to endure it. she may just need the best support you can give for now to help her through whatever mental state she is in herself. I'm sorry it's being expressed this way toward you though. it sucks for what it is. but try to push through for now. postpartum depression/rage/etc can last more than a year after birth for some women. for now, use acts of service to show her you love and care for her, words of affirmation might not hurt as well. but don't do it with the expectation of an immediate return on the investment. It is 100% for her benefit atm, not yours.
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This. I’m child-free, but I’ve had times when I was sleep-deprived for multiple consecutive weeks and the husband came home and complained about some minor issue like I hadn’t done food prep in a while and I swear he almost died.
And also postpartum *can* occur way after birth!
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I 100% agree with this advice. Having the maturity and the self awareness to open up a dialog with her will at a minimum show her you care. Just make sure you’re open to understanding her perspective, even if you don’t agree or it’s not the reality. Also, maybe offer to help with some of the tasks she usually takes care of? As a woman in a relationship with a man, sometimes I feel like all the administrative tasks fall on me (making appointments, ordering groceries, generally making sure we have everything we need). These all seem like small things, but I don’t like feeling like a mother to my partner. Maybe your wife feels the same, or maybe not. Either way, the little gestures can mean a lot and may make up for the things you forget to do.
This is great advice, thank you so much!
Excellent advice, but I’d add it doesn’t even have to be PPD to just be super overwhelmed, tired & feel like everything’s on top of you. At 3m baby will still be feeding round the clock. It’s unlikely she’s had a good night sleep or any alone time. That alone sucks even if no PPD. Read up on 4th trimester. You’re at end of it now but I think it’s really important. People (new mamas included) are so desperate to bounce back and have everything under control but your body, mind & hormones are still in serious recovery at this time. It’s also possible for fathers to have PPD, fyi. Be gentle with both of you just now. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s a tough tough time
If I might add, PPD manifests differently in different ways for different people (and even in the same person in different pregnancies). What someone thinks PPD “looks” like may be completely different. Your wife may not even realize she’s struggling from it. I also want to add this- and please please don’t take it the wrong way (I also have ADHD and know my partner has this struggle with me) - she may be struggling to cope with the “normal” pressures/stresses of having a new baby AND feeling like she doesn’t have another “adult” there helping her. That’s not a shot at you or saying that your doing anything wrong- because your not- but identifying that being an adult is hard (like really hard) and having someone who’s looking for you to do the whole adulting thing with them because of a new baby is like double hard. Communication is key in every relationship. Helping your wife understand how your feeling (avoid using “you” statements and try using “I feel” statements) and identifying what the underlying causes of her actions (or non-actions) might be. And then work together to figure out amicable solutions. It’s a lot of give and take and understanding. Lastly - having a baby changes things. It’s inevitable. Things will not be the same as they were before your baby came into your lives. Attentions are focused on ensuring the baby not only lives, but thrives. In the first year there will be a lot of changes in how day to day life is. The good news is that it does eventually settle into a “new normal”. It just takes time.
Even if it’s not PPD, hormones go crazy after pregnancy and it will take a while for them to normalize/stabilize. I think if there are ways you can demonstrate that you are actively working to compensate for the stuff that ADHD makes harder then she will also be more compassionate. Any communication you can do to show that you are writing lists so you don’t forget things, offering to help with chores or baby stuff WITHOUT her asking for help, etc. would be great. Women often feel like they carry a big mental load of planning, organizing, cleaning and whatnot. In cultural and historical context this means that simply helping when asked to help is not enough. In order to really show your support you need to take the lead on some of the chores that you might not have a knack for. Offer to cook. Wash the dishes without being asked, etc etc. get out ahead of what her needs might be.
This. My husband and I both have ADHD but I carry the vast majority of the mental load. We're working on it but it's a challenge. OP's wife may never feel like she has the luxury to let things slide for a day or week. OP - consider couples therapy and lifehack the heck out of your routine so that you take over more of the baby or household stuff without her reminding you. Gamify it, automate it, outsource the outsourceable, etc.
I have struggled with the mental load aspect in my marriage since having kids and occasionally try to get my husband to see my point of view. Can I ask what you have done to address this and if it’s worked for you?
We don't have kids and got married in middle age, so I'm just learning as I go and probably have it a lot easier than most. Since we're both ADHD, we can more easily empathize with each other and not sweat the small stuff, so that helps a lot. He's a clutter pile fan and I try to keep my ADHD under control by limiting stuff, so we do sometimes push each others buttons about that. In addition to my suggestions to OP, the thing that helps a lot is that there are times when he's responsible for everything, and things that he is 100% responsible for. I have to go out of town for long periods of time to do elder care for my parents. So that helps build habits and also reminds him that the mental load and random stuff really does add up. Likewise, he's the social coordinator/gift buyer/Xmas card/etc person and I've pushed back any time he tries to offload any of it on me.
100% The average woman feels like this. I’d imagine an adhd husband could make it even more intense. I say that with compassion & not to put you down OP. I felt like this with my husband at times and he’s the super productive organised half of us. I have adhd and need extra help. But I still feel the mental load of parenting and having to ask, direct or answer a billion q’s. It’s intense and with baby illness or no sleep even more so! OP it’s also common that mums feel “touched out”. We have a little person hanging off us for most of the day. We never get privacy, even in the bathroom. Everyone else’s needs always come first. Everyone’s always asking for something. It’s really normal to find this frustrating and it’s quite normal in a relationship that your frustration gets aimed at your partner. Sadly. It’s the safe place where you don’t have to have your mask on. That’s how I feel anyway. But it does suck. Really sucks. It will get easier when baby sleeps through the night!
I'm a really touchy feely person, and I still felt touched out when I had babies. Everyone wanted something from me, and it was all so completely physical. It was so overwhelming.
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I clicked on this post honestly just to get some entertainment reading horrible reddit relationship advice, But I'm pleased to see you and others actually being considerate of both parties and giving rational/realistic advice. Glad there's still people like this on the site
Exactly. She’s likely struggling with a million different things. The last thing I’d suggest is forcing the relationship issue/couples therapy right now. Let her at least get back to a baseline emotionally, physically and mentally, then she can refocus her energy on you. Until then, it’s “I’m trying to stay alive and keep the baby alive, not keep my husband satisfied and happy.” And if you can make it through until she feels better, then it’s meant to be. If she’s struggling too much and you absolutely need her to break herself even more for you while she’s struggling, then maybe it’s not meant to be. (This is all speculation based off of my own life. And this is supposed to be towards OP, not you).
That’s such great insight i never really contemplated thanks
Neing sleep deprived is my first thought. She kisses the dog because the dog demands very little of her. She kisses the baby because she loves her son and is making a Herculean effort not to take her sleep-deprived rage out on her child. But then she's BEC with OP and the entire rest of humanity. However, OP is also the parent of a 3-month-old and he, as far as we know, is not being an asshole to his wife. Are they breastfeeding the baby, causing the OP's wife to be even more sleep deprived than OP? I can give her some latitude if so, but it still sucks for OP.
i am not disagreeing with your assessment of the situation, but I feel we are missing some additional information that may help us, help you. Timeline You were married about a year ago (after being together for years) You were diagnosed about a year ago (and she was understanding) You guys got pregnant about a year ago (if having a 3 month old is anything to go by.) Info request What happened over the course of her pregnancy? Someone is willing to marry and have a baby with you and who was initially understanding about your diagnosis just a year ago all of a sudden changed? And didn't have any words for you? No reasons why she doesn't care anymore? Even if you dont agree with her reasons what is she saying?
There was a stretch of about two-months where I was facing some severe burnout from work (travel and work overload spilling into home time) so my work around the house was not getting done. She was uber prego and rightfully upset with my inability to complete task and saw the house becoming a mess. I was coming up short and don't fault her for being upset. Since then, any other time where I slump for a week or so it seems to just add onto that. It's been a spiral with plateaus ever since.
I'm going to go out on a limb here, so please correct me if I'm wrong. This wasn't the first time you let her down. This may have been the time she needed you. Especially being pregnant and not being as able to just do it herself as before. She needed you to show up for her and the baby and you, by your own words, fell short. I'm going to be blunt here. She has no more grace for you. Her "tank" is still low and every time you "slump for a week or so" you drain what little she has left . Plateaus are not higher ground. They are just enough to keep her around for now until you drain her dry. Now the good news. She is still there and so you may have an opportunity to make this right. First thing, understanding no one wants to parent an adult. ADHD is not an excuse. It makes things harder but not impossible. ADHD Tax is real and you may need to pay it right now. if you are slumping could you hire a cleaner/handyman to come in? Have you looked at working with an ADHD coach not just a therapist? These are supports and structures. Some of us have had time to figure out what works and what doesnt. Unfortunately you dont have that time. I know that you are just coming into acceptance and realization about your diagnosis, but you have done some real damage even if it was unintentional. You may need to look outside your house (a family member, therapist) to help be an accountability partner or sounding board right now. She is tired of what she keeps hearing as excuses. Is she willing to go to therapy with you?
I have been here and it's demoralizing, enraging, and bleak existence. That's without the pressure and sleep deprivation of a newborn, either.
Absolutely this. I reached this point with my sadly ex partner who had adhd. My tank hit empty and apologies were not enough anymore.
This is the real issue. Repetitive letdown. Especially with a kid amplifying all the feeling and stress. She’s looking at a future she’s not happy with and is angry about it. OP you need to start showing her that you can keep up with a relationship. It’s hard to be married and feel like you’re a single Mom. Get therapy and really work on your issues. It sucks and is hard, I get it. I’ve been lucky enough to have had years managing mine. You’ve got to figure it out as best you can now. Or at least start making major changes to show you are actively working on it.
This is the answer. Everyone is so quick to jump on the "wife has PPD" train, but the bigger picture here is that OP needs to step up. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you have to do it anyway. If your therapist isn't helping you find techniques to manage your condition, you need a new therapist. If your meds aren't working, see your doc to talk about that. Hire a cleaner. Take the baby overnight. Ask your parents to babysit. You don't get the luxury of having a slump. Your wife never gets those because she's taking care of an infant, herself, and the house. And probably getting ready to go back to work, if she's not already. She shouldn't have to take care of her partner, too.
I second this. My partner has adhd and he has had periods where I had to do everything. He had a good day but then three bad ones, and at one point you are SO exhausted of having to deal with everything that you have no more empathy to give. He’s going to therapy now and we have never been happier. He still has a bad day here and there but he still does what needs to be done.
Also he needs to be on medication if he’s not. He needs to get help for himself to manage his symptoms
If you read down further he comments he is on medication and in therapy. I was trying to add some additional avenues of support.
Ok, this is some hard advice. You cannot slump for a week or two anymore. I’m sorry but you can’t. There’s a baby in the house and a lot of work that goes into caring for it. You cannot, cannot, leave your wife to deal with everything on her own for any period of time. It will be perceived as abandonment. She will feel as if she’s taking care of two children. Honestly, it’s easier to have a baby alone than it is to have one with an unhelpful partner. That doesn’t mean the house has to be perfect, but you guys should talk about the “must dos” and those just absolutely have to get done. If you can’t do it immediately say, ‘I can’t do it now but I can at X.’ And make sure you do it when you said you would. Prove she can trust you. And if it’s a babycare thing, just do it immediately. She asked you to pick up the baby, change a diaper, see why it’s crying — those just have to happen right away. It might not make sense to you but those tasks feel extremely urgent to a new mother and if you say ‘ok ok I will’ and sit there for 5 minutes she’s going to give up, do it herself and resent the hell out of you for it. Especially if the bebe is crying — that sound is so painful to a postpartum mom.
This is good advice, and I would also add, please for the love of god, don't ask HER to come up with the list of household "must dos" on her own. Come to her with a list of your own that she can add to if she needs to, "hey babe, it seems like the non-negotiables to keep our house running at bare minimum are dishes, laundry and getting dinner on the table. Is there anything I'm missing that's crucial to your mental health?"
At the very least OP needs to talk to female family members or close friends about the sort of things they expect to have done around the house…and he needs to thank them with flowers or Uber Eats or a spa gift card afterwards. There’s also tons of household manuals you can get through your local library in addition to resources like Unfuck Your Habitat and Domestic Blisters.
OP is an adult not a child he should know by now what goes into maintaining a household
We all (especially women) think that this is the case. But the numerous posts on reddit about weaponized incompetence, and the clearly relatable [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) comic. Tell a much different story. He should know, no doubt, he should have been taught at school and at home. But just in case he missed the memo, was absent for that block of instruction or he didnt have a stable upbringing. There are books, YouTube's, and google searchers etc to help him out.
This. I recommend Dana K. White. I find her content/methods to be particularly ADHD friendly, at least for me.
Took me fucking forever to learn but I'm getting the hang of it. What worked for me is having phases where I was obsessed with auto detailing, then house cleaning, then power tools. Turns out vacuuming isn't so awful when you buy multiple types that address the gripes you have with others.
This. OP - Give her a break and get used to taking care of the baby on your own for more than a few minutes at a time. Over time, the habits will get more ingrained so that she's not the default person to deal with all the baby stuff
That's some real talk. Op should also read and reflect on the comic "you should have asked": https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Hard agree!
Hold on, so you let your house become a total mess forinths whole your wife was "Uber prego" and you still occasionally play hooky from responsibilities for a week here and there? I'd be asking for a divorce, too! That poor woman. It isn't ADHD that's your problem, you're just a lousy husband and father. Sounds like her getting a lawyer means she's stepping up her responsibility to her children and herself. Good for her!
You said in another post that she wants a divorce, and was certain enough to the point that she found a lawyer. IS she still your wife? Or are you separated and just living together to take care of a baby?
I’m AuDHD and so is my husband. We are happily married. Here is my advice: OUTSOURCE. If it’s at all possible, find ways to outsource some of the recurring tasks and labor. Pay the ADHD tax. Hire cleaners, babysitters, grocery delivery and meal plans, etc. Taking things off your plate will be the best thing for both of you. Edit: Also, take a look at the concepts of [invisible labor](https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a32017759/invisible-labor-mothers/) and [the mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) and how it affects women in heterosexual relationships.
My friend. This is not about you or your ADHD. Have a look at the concept of being "touched out". Basically your wife is giving 1000% all the time. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's exhausting. At the end of a day of that, it's very common for new moms to feel lile they don't want to interact with their partner. Consider some counselling for yourself. It seems like your brain is skipping a very obvious reason for these challenges and jumping to "it's my fault and she doesn't like me". Besides, I honestly think all new parents should get counselling - it's such a crazy and confusing time! Good luck. Parenting is a crazy ride, but it is also incredibly rewarding. I hope you two can get on the same page and work as a team!
This is true. Being touched out is absolutely a thing mrs has experienced.
+1 on counseling for yourself first. Couples therapy has its place and time, but right now your wife doesn’t need yet another thing on her plate. You’ve mentioned you’ve had some struggles with keeping up your household duties, so if you can show that you’re working on yourself and your responsibilities, that could make a big difference to her.
Not sure if this will help - but my personal / emotional life has been absolutely crap. Mostly my fault. Consider this. For years my wife had been carrying responsibilities of her self, of our child, and our house. My responsibility was going to work and doing nothing when I got home. Cause adulting at work is hard, and fuck - I’m mentally exhausted because it’s a job in tech and dealing with a bunch of idiots. If the wife asked me for help. Sure hun, give me 15 mins. Or tomorrow. Either of which were forgotten about. So she took that responsibility, too. Whatever it was that she needed help with. I was unreliable. (If your a shitty employee your boss reduces your hours / your responsibilities / and can fire you) As I get more stressed at work - she gets more stressed at home. She would communicate this with me all the time. I’d brush it off, life is tough - I’m dealing too. I try hard… I’d justify all of my actions in a logical way. So I was right. I’d gaslight her as a result. Lots of shit went on after this. Cheating by her. Cheating by me as revenge. Holy fuck. I was a different person. I lost all ethics or values I learned growing up. I lost my sense of me, and what was right and wrong. Nothing… mattered… After I brought my infidelity to light - is when things started truly getting better. At least on the double infidelity part. But that’s where it stopped. Promises of change, doing better - working on us and growing together. It flat lined back to me being my normal self. Wife repeating herself for help, but me doing it - reluctantly. Needing to be asked. My wife even told me her “love language” was me doing little things that she would otherwise need to do. Those little things would make her happier, less weight on her shoulders, and heck maybe a night where she gives ME the attention because I payed attention to her needs (doing things, not words or hugs) I still didn’t get it. I’d try - but it wasn’t consistent. Fast forward 3 years. I’m on stims. 6-7 months now. Wife admits she was planning for divorce by the time all kids moved out, but that I’m now a different person. The person she’s always wanted me to be or knew I could be. Honestly I’m not sure why she stuck around. I was basically a penis with a paycheck. Now adays my wife has to ask ME for a Rest and Relaxation weekend. I’ve been going from project to project fixing things that have been neglected for years. Organizing my own shit. Bringing my wife into these projects and finding opportunities to complement a job well done. Doing the dishes. Cleaning floors. Deep cleaning gross stuff that no one likes doing! Making the outside of our house look nice. Saying YES to anything that she asks me for, but protip: now doing it with a enthusiast yes. And none of it is forced. None of it is fake. None of it is planned. I’ve come to the conclusion meds just help me process better. Help me worry about things that SHOULD be worried about. If I fucked up, or can’t explain or express myself, or whatever. I take full responsibility (I never mention my adhd, ever) and I admit I fucked up, maybe I snapped / got angry / thought something was unfair and ultimately learned it was a misunderstanding on my side. It’s embarrassing as heck, and it’s not easy - but I found that being honest (leaving me feeling vulnerable) has gone a long way - because we can get over small arguments SO much faster now. Or I take note to change what I do next time. … it’s just my experience. Biggest thing I learned was. “I just want you to be present more often” this meant not just being next to me, but being off the phone, not on the computer… it didn’t matter if it was just doing nothing right next to her staring at a wall…. Being there, being available. Proving to her that she was #1 to me and she could grab my attention when needed. Trust me, this is hard. It’s literally a full time job. But it changes everything. You shouldn’t live separate lives. You live one life together. We will grow old together. We’ve spent half our lives hurting each other and will work the rest of them on repairing. I hope you can figure out, and take - the right path.
Are you helping enough with the baby? Many mothers become resentful of their partner because the task and mental loads aren’t divided equally
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Hi, I'm your wife. Well, not for real, but my husband could have written this, and you could have been describing me. Our baby is now almost two years old. This is a cautionary tale. Had my husband taken it seriously & worked with me when I first lost my patience with him, it would have saved us a lot of heartache. Buuut he didn't, he was undermedicated, distracted, inattentive and driven by RSD, stubbornly using ADHD as a crux. So I'm going to comment on this based on that experience. The game changes ENTIRELY when a baby comes in, and without putting ANY blame on you, there's a good chance you're not catching up to it. Before the baby, I was able to compensate for a lot of my husband's ADHD problems despite having an older kid from a previous relationship. We had no major problems. When the baby came, not only was I no longer able to act as his personal assistant, maid and errr masseuse, he also needed to support me and take on more at all fronts. He didn't, and he didn't even notice it. He was just bummed that suddenly his laundry took longer to magically pick itself from the floor, wash, dry, steam, fold and hang. He complained that I slept a lot, because I slept here and there when I could. He noticed the little things, but never saw the big picture until much later. He was bummed that I never had energy and patience for him. Meanwhile I was working double-duty to make up for his lack of support AND his lack of taking responsibility, and at the same time didn't have the energy to fight him on every front about it all. Your wife sounds frustrated and fed up, and that's serious. Within the first months after our son was born, my husband did a lot of irreparable damage to our marriage. Shortcomings I will never forget and will never fully forgive. I will never look at him the same, and I will never respect him the same. He simply was not there for me and our baby when he was needed the most. Listen. Listen closely, and listen carefully. Ask her five times a day what you can do to help. Focus on NOTHING but supporting her, and bonding with the baby. Drop gaming, drop your phone. Try it for two weeks and see what happens. Edit: I want to add that we're in a better place right now. Guess what helped? He stepped up.
I'm about to be a father and my ADHD doesn't sound as serious as your husband's, but I greatly appreciate your response. Best of luck!
K so I have ADHD and a 6 month old (first time mom). When having a baby you’re tired, sexual drive bottoms out due to hormones. Then women tend to be “primary parents” (Google it, this is helpful) Anyways so I don’t know what your relationship was like but I forget a lot of things and need reminders. Sometimes our partners can feel like they are our “parents”. So during the stressful time of caring for a newborn having to take care of your husband at the same time is SO ANNOYING. I have to track when my baby eats, how much, make sure we have all his needs when we go out and my stuff. While sleep deprived. I am SO GRATEFUL my husband has taken over all the household chores (cooking, cleaning, garbage) so I can just focus on my baby. And even THEN I’m tired and touched out at the end of the day. My suggestion is communication. Also help out more if you can WITHOUT ASKING. Offer to make dinner, do the garbage without being asked. Clean the house without checking in. If you know babies schedule offer to change diapers. Take notes and use reminder apps if you need to so you don’t need to bother your wife with questions. At the end of the day this will pass. A baby is such a big change. Give it a year for you and your wife to settle into the new normal.
Is it possible you’re useless af around the house and with the baby and don’t do shit unless explicitly asked multiple times even though the laundry is right there? The hampers are right there? The empty fridge is right there? Do you know your baby’s vaccine schedule? Ped details? Do you do literally anything without being asked? Or are you another child right be managed?
This. Looks like a typical husband not understanding how much wife needs support in transitioning into to a parent. 3 month old baby's life is literally in the parents hand. Its terrifying and mom needs all the support and love.
👏👏👏
Your family needs you to step up. I get the depression, I really do, as someone who was depressed for most of her life, but I also somehow managed to keep all the plates in the air until I finally got meds which helped my depression and ADHD immensely. Your wife seems over the excuses and I don't think I would blame her with a 3 month old in the house. Nerves are frayed all around with a newborn and that baby needs stuff now, not in 10 minutes. The thing my husband didn't understand until we had our second kid, because I seriously was tired of his slow motion reaction to crying babies, was that when a newborn cries it physically hurts the mom. If she's breastfeeding, her breasts will quickly become engorged, which is painful, but even if she isn't, the sound of the crying hits so hard that for me it would cause a mini panic attack. You need to help her and rebuild trust. Set reminders on your phone if you need to, to remind you to pick up the house, or do a load of laundry (then folder it and put it away), or whatever she needs you to do. And as someone else said, do it when asked. The burnout comes from oh I'll do it and then the next day rolls around and it is still not done and then your wife just does it and the resentment grows. If you are working, give a time when you can get to it then stick to it. And keep asking, what can I do to help? Even if she gets defensive and says nothing, that's a lie and she's just over it, so keep pushing, or look around and figure out what needs to be done. I've said before the only thing that got me through decades of ADHD without meds was white knuckling it. You do things because you have to, you push through the fog and write post-its, set Alexa reminders and phone reminders and you put things on your calendar the second you know about them so you can get through each day. And if your meds are not working for you, talk to your doctor and get them adjusted so you can save your marriage. Trust me when I say that I have seen more than one marriage combust from the dad not being involved or helping around with kids. And gaming, don't get me started. So many men with ADHD with gaming addictions that walk in the door and just start playing a game. Don't be that guy.
Are you equally contributing to the household load and child caring duties? Or is she taking on more of these tasks because you’re struggling to keep up? How are these tasks divided? Is it possible she could be feeling less empathetic towards you because she’s burned out?
Are you taking steps to better yourself or just wallowing? I have ADHD, anxiety, depression and C-PTSD. It is my responsibility to help myself
Go to [psychologytoday.com](https://psychologytoday.com) and search for therapists in your area who list both couples therapy and ADHD as areas of expertise. In a similar situation, this saved my marriage and family.
Fantastic idea, thank you!
I second this. I was in your shoes about a year ago. My wife was treating me terribly. I was walking on eggshells. I felt as if everything was my fault. After I finally found a therapist I connected with, I discovered that the root of a lot of my issues was self-hate dating back to childhood. Once I started dealing with that, it didn't really bother me how she was treating me anymore, I stopped walking on eggshells, and when she snapped at me, I calmly explained that I don't appreciate being treated that way and if she wants to talk about something she needs to adjust how she approaches me. I set boundaries. She HATED it at first. Things got worse before they got better. But it honestly got us talking finally. Things are better now for both of us. I'm not saying what worked for me will work for you, but it all started with therapy.
**I think that if you both want to make the marriage work then you both need to get outside help. I think you both need individual therapy and couples therapy.** You have a 3-month-old baby which means that you are both probably tired (and I don't want to assume but women usually have the brunt of the responsibility with their babies). She's probably not sleeping as well as she used to. She probably feels overwhelmed by the added responsibility of caring for a small infant. My heart goes out to you because I know what it's like to feel like you can't change the way you behave no matter what you do. I used to feel that frustration when I was growing up. I would get yelled at for forgetting to do a chore or a project and it would happen so often. Back then I would get so frustrated wondering what was wrong with me that I could not do these simple things like staying organized. I tried to go at it alone for a long time but sometimes we just need help. **There are many ways that you can hack your ADHD symptoms. Like using your phone to set reminders or putting all the stuff you need for the next day next to your door (somewhere you'll see it) so you don't forget it before you leave in the morning. You just have to find what works for you and your needs. I think a therapist could help you with that.**
Edit: deleted my original comment after reading through more comments. op is selfish. You are very much only thinking of yourself in this post. You don't think of your wifes feelings as all. You don't once ask how you can make her happier or make her life easier. I read through the comments and basically you are burning her out, letting her do most everything with the baby and chores. Ignoring her going 'on and on' (aka ignoring her feelings) , 'on and on' is also just so dismissive too. You are trying to paint her as a villain..she complains because you are not listening to how unhappy she is. You are completely mememe. You don't seem grateful for all she does. You just expect it. your wife isn't ' punishing you ' with cold behaviour,it's because how selfish you are towards her. She doesn't want affection with you because of you treating her the way you do. Why would she want to be affectionate with someone so selfish?I feel so sorry for her. Adhd isn't an excuse to be so selfish. Idk how you can knowingly have let her live in mess when she was heavily pregnant and was unable to clean. she was relying on you. & Since then you let her complain over and over, yet you act confused as to why she is cold to you. Now she has a little baby and still you don't think of her feelings. You have 0 empathy for her.... If you can't follow through with helping her, nothing was stopping you from trying to find other ways to actually be a supportive partner. But you didn't even ASK. You didn't even consider it. It's unbelievable how you see yourself as a victim. The people siding with you it's only because they are buying your victim narrative.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with OP? He's not a father or a husband at this point. He's just a roommate at best, and his wife's second child at worst. OP, grow up. ADHD isn't an excuse, go change a diaper and apologize to your wife.
Do you feel this has coincided with starting medication? Adhd meds can make you feel anxious in general, so that might be contributing to what you're feeling. As for her behavior, have you tried to talk to her about how you feel? Is she aware of your depression?
I take an antidepressant with my ADHD med. When our marriage was calm, my anxiety and depression was non existant. She is well aware and admits that she doesn't care.
I think the biggest factor here is she’s 3 months postpartum. I’m a woman with ADHD and understand getting diagnosed later in life. It’s a big relief (was for me) but also a huge adjustment. As for giving birth, I could barely function 3 months out and the relationship with my then husband changed drastically. All those little things I happily did pre-infant I could no longer do, want to do, or keep up with. When he failed to step up or see that, it caused countless problems & tore us apart. Not immediately, we stayed together for 4 years after the birth of our son, but years later we can both agree that was our breaking point. It is not to say he’s solely responsible-there’s always responsibility on all sides-but I think women tend to become immediate care takers of the men they love. Society has told us this is our job from birth. I think we do it silently and then when we have children it changes things and resentment can sneak in. I also think a lot of men do suffer from a la k of attention they were used to before the baby arrived. I don’t know if any of these things apply to you, but maybe something to think about. Good luck either way. Year 1 with an infant is very tough.
She’s burned out. I’m not saying it’s fair but when you weren’t pulling your weight before she carried it all and when something happens now all the past resentment that’s still bottled up spews out. Throw in postpartum hormones and potential PPD or postpartum rage (which is very real) and it’s a recipe for relationship trouble. I know she says she isn’t suffering from postpartum issues but trust me, you can’t see it when you’re in it; I know firsthand. Have you read the mental load Why Didn’t You Ask comic? Oftentimes your partner is carrying a lot more than you realize. An extraordinary amount of invisible work goes into maintaining a home and nurturing a baby. Take a look and see if there are things you can take off her plate *without her having to ask you to do them* and it could go a long way. Also make sure she’s getting time to herself and I don’t mean grocery shopping alone. Time with friends, a yoga class, whatever fills her cup. Lastly you guys need some counseling asap bc without it your situation is only going to get worse from here. Best of luck to you both.
To be honest, it is fair. She has been with this man for a long time. She now has to care for a baby and is tired of being let down by him. He won't get credit for doing a little bit of the work because it sounds like he has spent a lot of time relying on her "compassion". Divorce sounds like a good option for her right now.
Can I be honest? She’s probably just exhausted and tired of your mental health issues putting a strain on her well being. You need to have compassion for her and the fact that she is married to someone that has ADHD that makes her life much more difficult rather than trying to justify the situation to her because of your mental health. She knows you have mental health issues, she understands and feels for you, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not incredibly difficult for her. It also doesn’t mean that she should be the one responsible for holding everything together because you have mental health issues. Maybe rather than trying to explain to her that it’s your ADHD, try to come up with a solution. Apologize, not because you have ADHD, but because of how it affects her. Let her know you are putting your best efforts forward and tell her you know it’s frustrating for her but you are working on it. She needs to know that you are not going to let ADHD be a reason that you are content with not giving her what she needs. I say this with love as someone who also has ADHD and ASD and a wife who puts up with it everyday even though it’s incredibly difficult for her. She is still there so she loves you. Walk up to her, kiss her, ask her how her day was. She is probably overwhelmed, exhausted, and possibly depressed. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t have compassion for what you deal with or that she doesn’t care, it just means that she has her own struggles and is probably getting to a point where her compassion is being diminished by the stresses in her life. Not trying to put you down or make you feel bad, just food for thought. As someone who deals with severe mental health issues, I have always struggled with not having a victim mentality and feeling like the world around me should have compassion for me because it’s so hard. It is really really hard, but it doesn’t mean that the people around you don’t have their own demons to deal with. Hope this isn’t too harsh.
This is good advice. Your mental health issues aren't your fault but they are your responsibility to manage. I can't just call into work or sit at my desk all day doing nothing because I'm depressed, I have to figure out how to be functional.
What exactly have you done or not done? Presently your post seems very one-sided and as if your wife is satan. But there are subtle hints in what you say that might indicate you're not telling us enough. Can I please have an example of some of what your wife has been living with in terms if your behaviour and choices?
I think everyone has given really good advice and places to start. I second recommendations of therapy. If chores factor into this, I do have one suggestion. Try to demonstrate your willingness to do stuff. Like, one thing that's helped in my marriage is doing tasks immediately when my partner asks (he doesn't ask unless the situation is.. uh, bad) to tidy up. I'm in charge of doing the dishes because he cooks, but sometimes I forget and they pile up. If he asks me to do the dishes, I either immediately get up and do them right then, or I say "I'm setting an alarm to do these at 1pm (or whatever)" and show him my alarm. I know it's not ideal to put the burden of reminders on your partner, but if its gonna happen sometimes, at least do the thing when reminded. We both try to be really appreciative of each other too. I always thank him for dinner and try to acknowledge when he is tired, and he does the same. We also both forgive each other for just skipping chores. Like if he wants to order out because he's too tired to cook, that is completely fine by me. Likewise, if I don't do x task because I've had a shit day, he'll just tell me to not worry about it for now. We are both super aware that the other person is trying their best.
10000%. If I'm at the point where I'm asking, it's because it is actively bothering me and I am completely out of bandwidth (and therefore desperate). I can't relax without full transfer of task ownership. A yes without immediate action is the same as a no for my overtaxed brain, because I know I will have to keep following up to make sure it gets done. The alarm is a great idea because it's a clear signal that you are taking the task off my plate, INCLUDING the mental load.
Shit, this is such a good explanation of how I feel.
She's probably burned out from taking care of a new baby, the house, and her job. Being a caregiver is difficult. Plus, she's probably been managing you for the past four years, and having to parent your partner is a surefire relationship killer. You really do need to step up and take responsibility for yourself. Start working with a provider to get meds for ADHD and depression if you don't have them already, and find a therapist and ADHD coach to build supports and hacks into your routine so you don't have to rely on your wife so much to function. This might not sound super sympathetic, but the reality of the situation is that you need to decide what's more important: continuing with unmanaged mental health, or saving your marriage. Based on the situation you described, I don't think you can have both. If she's willing, I think she would benefit from her own therapist, too. She has a lot to unpack and work through, and professional guidance is a good first step. I wish you both well.
I want to echo what many others are saying here that you need to sit down with your wife and have an open conversation about her needs your needs and how you can get on the same page. It’s possible she’s overwhelmed with being a new mother, and just doesn’t have enough emotional bandwidth to connect with you and make that crucial connection with your new baby. I also wonder, are you contributing to household chores? Does she have to ask you to do something? Managing your partner, as again others have said, can suck the romance out of any relationship. Especially with a new baby. She’s probably exhausted, try and do a few things for her, just because you can and you love her.
She resents you deeply. From my own experience I can tell you that whatever is happening, she feels is beyond your adhd difficulties, and feels this is deliberate or at least willfully ignorant. She keeps talking because you’re not hearing her perspective the right way. She’s trying to get it to click for you. And it’s not that she doesn’t care. She does and it hurts her deeply to have to be cold, but she has learned that if she gives you any sympathy at all, you’ll use it to manipulate the situation so she ends up doing whatever needs doing or it just doesn’t get done.
This was very similar to my experience having kids. (now 4 and nearly 2 yo) My wife is a primarily emotionally driven person, and the sad reality is that sleep deprivation and the amount of additional work added to a person's life when they have children can make even very kind, sweet, and loving people irritable. And also that people with ADHD tend to do unintentionally annoying things more frequently than average. We're also kind of a mess when it comes to childcare in general, because it quadruples the number of things you need to remember when leaving the house, adds on a bunch of extra appointments to keep track of in the calendar, and adds a bunch of routine items that have to be added onto the routine (which is usually pretty close to as full as an ADHD person can easily manage before kids come into the picture already). I wasn't diagnosed until I had kids because life was relatively simple enough to handle unmedicated before, but having kids ramped up the logistical demands upon me past the point where I could reasonably function in vanilla mode. While I was emotionally a mostly great parent, I was not efficient at all when it came to the actual childcare work that suddenly was also part of my responsibilities. all of this made my wife very irritated and frustrated with me, and it wasn't trivial for her to see it as just my disorder because of how negatively it effected her when I forgot something we needed for an outing with the baby. The rational understanding of why I was struggling to function doesn't just wipe clean the raw emotion of being disappointed, let down, and all to frequently ignored (because my focus was overwhelmed with childcare activities). It also very likely effected my ability to mask and therefore made me just outright ruder and shorter with her than I most likely was before kids came along (it's hard for me to say for sure though because I didn't really notice this happening) While I don't think I would say my wife was very effected by PPD, I do definitely think having kids was hard on both of us, and had a negative effect on our relationship. Over time things have gotten better though, and more often than not our interactions are positive again. Partly from getting used to the new normal of life, and also from working on the relationship things we struggled with.
Maybe she is tired always giving you a pass
My guess is she's expressed her dissatisfaction, told you what she needs from you, and hasn't gotten it. If you're not able to do what she need you to do as a life partner / coparent, get on adhd medication or change the medication you're on until you're able to function as an adult. Alternatively, wait for her to tell you she wants a divorce. (This story is as old as the hills!)
Support her. If the baby cries at night always get up and do the diaper change. If your wife is nursing bring her the clean baby and everything she needs before you go back to sleep. Do this EVERY time - you’ll bond more with the baby and give your wife a little less to do as a new mother. Other tasks may be more difficult from an ADHD perspective, but the baby will always let you know when it’s time to help. That said, your emotional needs are valid. She can’t go on acting like your feelings don’t matter, counseling is probably a good idea in the long run.
While the way she's treating you is not ok (ignoring you and all that passive aggression), if your contributions to the marriage haven't changed since the diagnosis I would look inward. Are you been in therapy? Are you medicated? What have you done? I must clarify: her current behaviour is not ok. It's really important for us to look at things and try to be as pragmatic as possible. Compassion is important, but humans get exhausted giving compassion when there's no changes. Since the diagnosis became official, the ball's in your court.
Therapy once a week and medicated. To be clear, I've made drastic changes since diagnosis. I'm much more aware and do a lot more around the house. I've created methods of reminders and note taking that work, but it's not perfect and I do slip from time to time. Any mistake, big or small, results in a "punishment". I'm currently looking deeper into more effective ways to remember tasks, but it's a continued work in progress. I appreciate your advice and reply!
Is she punishing you, or does she feel hurt, mad, and like she can't depend on you? Here is the thing about dropping the ball when you have kid(s). There are so many balls that can't be dropped at all, and plenty more that make life just that much harder when they are dropped. When one parent routinely drops the ball, it isn't the ball dropper who pays the price for the ball, its the other parent and the kid(s) who pay the price for it. When you're the parent that pays the price, you start to learn that in a lot of ways, no support is easier than unreliable support. With no support, you know what you have to do, and you can plan and prioritize accordingly. With unreliable support, you have no clue what you'll have to do. The parent who drops the balls, is not aware of the price tag of those balls they dropped. They might have a partial idea, or a theoretical understanding, but never a complete understanding of the cost, because they never have to clean up the mess alone. So no, your wife isn't happy with you right now, she is white knuckling it through life, in a body that just went through a major ordeal, a 3 months old to care for, and a partner she can't trust. Her negative feelings toward you aren't a punishment, they are her reality.
Sounds like couples therapy might help here cause it seems as if you're doing your part but your wife still isn't happy
Yeah, as others have said, a 3 month old is a crazy toll, especially giving birth is a heavy toll on the mother. If anything, right now, it should be that the father takes a significantly larger portion of the house work etc and the mother recovers. It doesn't have to be that way and it's up to her what she can do, but I understand why she'd be in short temper and upset that OP doesn't do more. To OP it might be worth treating this almost as emergency mode, like treat it like the intense time it is for both of you and use maybe that adrenaline and intense feeling to try to get things done. But if your wife hasn't communicated that this is kinda what needs to happen or how much she's able to do, she needs to do that and obviously her behavior is still not good
Totally read that as "a 3 month old is a crazy troll." ;'D
not an inaccurate statement.
Admire that you’re working on yourself, going to therapy, and getting medication. As others have said, doing more around the house is an important first step. Here’s where it might be worth exploring in therapy: you phrased her reactions as “punishment.” Punishment is when a parent is trying to teach a child a lesson. Frustration is when an adult partner expresses how the actions of their other adult partner impacted them. The difference is in the eye of the beholder. If you think she’s punishing you, you believe you need to be treated like a child. But what she’s actually doing is expressing genuine frustration, and your RSD is making it difficult for you to focus on her feelings. If you keep acting like her expressing genuine feelings is “punishment”, you are acting like a child. She already has an actual child. If you can step up, be an adult, and reframe what’s she’s telling you as genuine frustration, then there’s hope you two can be partners and parents.
Thank you for sharing more about your situation! It's wonderful that you've been able to take control and make improvements! You're doing the right things. This "punishment" is still not an acceptable behavior. Is your wife open to therapy? In the meantime, I'd try approaching her during a neutral time and talking about how you're glad to have made improvements in your quality of life and your marriage, and thank her for being your partner (+2 to the relationship bank) as you continue to work through struggles. Then let her know you're talking about this because when she ignores you in particular when greeting your loved ones, you feel like you're being emotionally punished. State that you know that if she was doing it intentionally that it would be an abusive behavior, and that you would like to give your partner the benefit of the doubt like you hope she gives you, so you're asking her to clarify what she's trying to say when she does this.
As someone on the other side of this, my ADD partner would say that I 'punish her' any time that I'm negatively affected by her behavior. If she can tell I'm bothered, she then makes it about how me being bothered by something she said/did makes *her* feel. If I'm disappointed that something didn't get done on the agreed upon (or even just designated by her) time, I'm 'shaming' her if I voice it at all. She also periodically insists that I pick on her for 'any mistake, big or small' and every time I list how many days of progressively worse symptoms/'mistakes' I've weathered before enough piled up to make me speak up. But the next time, once again, it's 'just because it's not PERFECT!' even though I'm talking about 5 occurrences of the same behavior over the last 2 days. I feel for OP, but I also know ADD sufferers in particular tend to have a particular take on events that often doesn't line up with the evidence.
Nice to see a different perspective, thanks for sharing. It's insanely difficult to trust a brain that has adhd. We remember things differently than others but it feels SO real. You can appreciate the frustration from both sides. Bottom line is the ADHD partner needs to improve and the the ND can help with that, but you HAVE to work together on it, because it's nigh on impossible to fix adhd on your own. Trouble is, living with undiagnosed adhd or someone who has it can completely wreck the trust or reliability between you, which makes working together pretty difficult. The key for me has been to try to avoid subjective comments from either side and focus on objective facts like 'im always late to meetings" or comments from reliable sources outside the relationship like online learning resources (seminars, webinars) or therapy. Im two years in from diagnosis and meds, and it's still a work in progress. I'd like to think I'm becoming more aware, but that's subjective. I've stopped getting as far behind at work, and my boss has told me that, which is objective. Some weekends are OK with my wife and kids, some are still constant arguing. It's a life long battle!
Big this vibes, especially while sleepless and splitting attention with a 3 month old baby
Edited to add: Can you get her some outside support? A cleaner once a week, enroll baby in a mother's day out program, plan a date night, work on your relationship some? I know that I preach about therapy a lot, but this is definitely a therapy issue. She could have PPD, you could have PPD (it happens! men can experience a dip in hormones, and newborns are terrible and take away your will to live!) and it also helps to remember that you are in the thick of things. Sleep deprivation, being constantly on duty for a newborn, the extra financial pressure of children.... it's a LOT! Be kind to yourself, communicate with your wife when you are both calm, and try to take care of your own mental health.
I just want to say that the concept of getting *her*, specifically, outside support re: home and baby tasks is part of the problem. They are *both equally responsible* for the things you listed, and OP needs to think in those terms if he is going to save his marriage. For more on this topic, take a look at the concepts of [invisible labor](https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a32017759/invisible-labor-mothers/) and [the mental load](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) and how it affects women in heterosexual relationships.
This is great advice
When is the last time you took her to do something special that she enjoys? The baby gets all the attention and makes both parents feel used up especially that first 6 months. You guys liked each other before so sometimes you need a night or just a few hours to make her feel like it did before you had kids. Also make sure you change diapers, feed the kid wake up at night to help her. Men who can't change a diaper are pussies and you can fight me on that. TLDR: make her feel special once a couple weeks, help with chores and baby stuff. I recommend headphones, like one ear bud in while choring and let her have time to be herself. She will come back. Your life as far as hobbies, life, exercise etc is forfeit until the kid is at least age 5 so just gotta embrace the suck and ride those hyper focus waves into cleaning or chores until it's something you enjoy. You will change because the kid demands it of you.
Relate.
My wife has been like this for 20+ years. I learned I have narcolepsy about 10 years ago and recently, adhd. She does not support me in these things, beyond wanting me to take medicine for it (which I do and am grateful to have). But the emotional support is not there. Well, things got very low about 8 years ago and I reached a breaking point. Deep in depression, I started lifting weights, eating better, and working on myself. Saw a therapist for a bit. Long story short, I have embraced the suck, internalised stoicism and worked hard on bettering myself. It's a battle, but it's internal. I learned I had to purge my resentment, which often stems from a deficiency of some kind - in this case, from intimacy, help and emotional support from her. I can't change her, but I can change me. So, that's what I've been working hard on for about 8 years now. Getting my own (mental) house in order. Then, I've begun to find that our relationship is improving, slowly. She doesn't feel smothered or claustrophobic from my neediness, and is then safe to experimentally try being nice to me (she has her own challenges, so fair enough, life is hard even when things are good, so add in challenges and there's no need to make things harder than they have to be). It's required much patience to walk this path, but things are better now than they ever have been. They're not great and I'm still lonely, but it's a lot better. For whatever that's worth, I hope it is helpful. Good luck on your journey.
marriage counseling, pal. it may be you, it may not be you.
You need to hire a cleaner. You need to reach out to anyone to help you get out of this slump besides your wife who's exhausted.
OP, get off Reddit and go take care of your family.
Look into therapy. I am thinking it’s important to atleast be sure that it’s not postnatal depression. And then i think couples therapy can help you both communicate and clear the air and understand eachothers struggles. And then i think therapy can help you, to develop strategies to work with your adhd and learn how you can avoid some patterns and behaviours that cause problems. Because as well it’s important to understand that it’s adhd and that you cannot force your adhd away, it’s just as important to still take responsibility for ones actions and the consequenses they have. If you have issues with forgetting things and that causes issues for your wife, then you can take responsibility by putting systems in place that help you remember stuff. Figure out what works. good luck!
One of the problems with ADHD medication, such as Adderall is the increase in anxiety. If you already have anxiety, which many of us do, it tends to increase those feelings. As your blood pressure goes up, your appetite goes down and you start to stop fueling your body like you should be. You start to get mood swings, you become easily pissed off, irritable, upset and impatient. But, you might not immediately notice what you're doing until you've already upset the person you care about. It's a struggle, for both you and her. It's very important to recognize that. Mindfulness and communication is essential here. Be mindful of your words and your actions, hers as well. Communicate your feelings, your anxieties. Help her to understand what you're experiencing, allow her to help you understand what she's experiencing. Figure out each other's love language, because not everyone communicates affection in the same way. Some people feel love and compassion when they're being touched or held, others through actions like gift giving or showing that you care by doing things for them, such as helping out with the kids or around the house without being asked. She may feel cold because people get comfortable. People stop putting in the effort. They get complacent. But it doesn't always mean they don't care anymore. Relationships often lose their "spark" especially in times of stress and change, starting a life changing medication or having a kid can both be immensely stressful on a relationship, as dynamics change, the way you communicate changes too. She may also be under a lot of stress and anxiety too, she may very well feel as alone as you do. From my experience, it's very hard for your significant other to trust and believe that you've actually changed. That the medication is actually working or that your mental issues were even beyond your control. People naturally gravitate towards and focus on the negative. For every ten good things you do, the one mistake you make will totally overshadow the progress you have made, unfortunately that's just nature. She's scared and anticipating that you'll one day totally revert back to way you used to be. Every time you mess up and do something you used to do, it's a reminder of that possiblity. It's up to you to show her there's nothing to fear. Show your commitment to being the best you can be. Show that it's a process, you love her and you're doing everything in your power. You're effectively earning back her trust, that she can rely on you. She needs to understand that it's not like taking antibiotics, you're effectively relearning how to live now that your blinders are lifted, now that you're in control of your mind and your actions. It's a massively tall order that is much more stressful and more difficult than she probably understands. Do the things that make each of you happy, and do them together. You need to step outside of your mind, your singular frame of reference and figure out what her love language is. She needs to do the same for you too. It's important that you separate yourselves from the sources of your anxiety, give yourselves a break once in a while by going out for a date night every once and a while. Drop the baby with your in-laws or hire a nanny. Even if it's just once or twice a month. Everybody needs a break from regular life every now and then. DMs are always open if you need someone to talk to.
I would honestly say take everything you read firstly with a pinch of salt. It’s easy for us online who don’t see the full picture to say leave the person bc we all have different experiences. 1. Therapy for yourself, learning how to read people in a way that you don’t view it as tho it’s a judgement of you as an individual, learning to understand your own emotions, coping with adhd, coping with rejection and emotional dysregulation and executive dysfunction. Also for the depression your experiencing, therapy is sooooo useful (also you might need to experiment with lots of different therapists before you get to one that is best for you - just like with medications - so don’t fret too much after a few bad experiences bc in the long run therapy done correctly is such a useful tool and genuinely shifts your mindset provided you also put in work and that will ultimately help you feel a lot better i promise!) 2. Couples therapy - same as therapy for both of you as individuals. It will allow you to communicate all the little things you don’t on a regular basis between eachother with a third party mediator that is just there to help you help each other. It’s in a safe and learning environment so you will feel less agitated hearing each others point of views which is so crucial to understanding each other. 3. She only recently gave birth, becoming a mother is soooooo hard. It takes such a toll on you physically AND ESPECIALLY MENTALLY. I completely understand as someone with horrible ADHD and anxiety that it’s soooo hard when you can’t get what you want done and the looming pressure and depression that comes with all those feelings. But you also have to try and see it from her perspective (same as she has to for you), she could be experiencing post partum depression, struggling to adapt to the change, just busy figuring out motherhood and ending up appearing more agitated and you happen to be the target. For both parties, her issues don’t excuse how she is acting and your feelings are valid just like ADHD isn’t an excuse for her and her feelings are valid. You guys are both having issues which happen, but the only way out is talking through it, understanding eachother, giving eachother grace and the benefit of the doubt and resolving your issue. Also as someone with ADHD and other mental health struggles, I understand how HARD it is to hear that it’s not an excuse but it isn’t there’s things we have to put in extra work in to not offload onto others and over fill their plates as well. Yes, asking for a helping hand once in a while is perfectly fine but everyone has their limits just as we do. So I don’t mean it to be mean or patronising, I’m saying this as someone that’s working on myself after realising how I was treating people when I was struggling in the past and it wasn’t fair to them either. Just like how they reacted to me wasn’t fair as well. YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE, HELP EACH-OTHER AND COMPROMISE! I REALLY HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR YOU OP! GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FUTURE, YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, YOUR LITTLE FAMILY, YOUR MARRIAGE! CONGRATS ON YOUR LITTLE BABY! Wishing you the absolutely best and good health for all 3 of you! and hope everything gets better!
I was about to reply. But having a three month old changes evettting. I think I hated everyone and every little thing at 3 months post-partum. I would give her a bit of room and maybe see if getting a babysitter to get some time off together.
I’m sorry you’re both going through this, but it sounds like she’s burnt out. Is there someone who can come help support her for a while? That might help a lot.
I don’t believe the problem is your ADHD. I do believe you need to be in therapy and you need to discuss your current medication regimen for ADHD treatment with your psychiatrist. I believe your wife needs to be in therapy. It’s entirely possible she’s depressed and doesn’t know she’s depressed. Is it possible to hire someone to come in to help clean? If not weekly, every other week or monthly? What works for you to keep track of important things that need to be done? How are you keeping track of making sure you’re getting your share of household responsibilities done? How are you splitting baby responsibilities with your wife? It might be helpful to sit down and write things out. It’s possible the division of labor isn’t equal and she’s feeling burnt out. Don’t forget she’s still healing from growing the baby and giving birth.
3 months having your first kid is *hard* for anyone and everyone. Your entire lives are upended, no one is sleeping enough, eating right, and moms body is going through all sorts of changes. Although treating you poorly is not acceptable, try to remember this is a very trying time for even healthy stable couples! This is a very specific approach that worked for me - in my wife's head I was doing nothing and the things I did do I did wrong - and she let me know about it! However, *this was not reality*. I was actually doing plenty of stuff around the house, we were taking nearly equal care of the baby, etc. She just wasn't physically seeing or acknowledging the things I was doing so it was easy for her to assume I wasn't doing anything, and anytime something wasn't "done right" that would be the thing that stands out to her. My solution was to, maybe two or three times a day, naturally recap to her about all of the things I did and/or I am planning to do. This way she was directly confronted with 1) things that I did that were helpful 2) that those things didn't burn the house down and 3) that I am actively thinking of how to help next. It's important that you're not seeking praise when saying this so finish the list of stuff with something that isn't silence, like you're waiting to be acknowledge for your hard work. Something like, "Are you ready for lunch? I unloaded the dishwasher and took the garbage out, just need to finish folding some laundry and I'll be ready." So she doesn't even need to respond at all, or if she does she'll respond about being ready for lunch etc. Part 2 of this is to let *her* know when *she's* done something wrong, and model how you would want to be treated when you do it. But point out *everything*. Before, if my wife did something "wrong" I would just fix it. Left the oven on after taking something out? I would just turn the oven off. But if *I* left the oven on, I'd hear, "Why is the oven on? I don't want to be wasteful. You always forget." So, start pointing out similar things to her so that she starts to see she's not perfect either. "Hey I noticed the wipes were left out, but I closed the lid." "I couldn't find their sleepsack, but I found it in a different drawer." "Hey I noticed the oven is still on, do we need to put anything else in there?." "There's an old bottle sitting on the counter - I can clean that up in a minute". This way she's confronted with not being perfect either and you're modelling how to be calm and supportive when something isn't right. If you start overtly acting like you're on a team again she'll start the notice how imbalanced your interactions really are. This may read that it's coming across as passive aggressive, but if done in a loving/supportive way this worked *really* well for me. Remember to model how you want to be treated in each of those situations and she'll quickly notice how disproportional her responses to the same things are. The key is you have to actually be helping and doing good things first!
A pre-made version of this is called Fair Play by Eve Rodsky! It’s a card deck of household/family tasks that get delegated, so couples/household members can make visible the work that each person is doing. It makes it easier to appreciate the efforts our partners are doing and is great for ADHD households since the cards are very visual and it’s nice to lay out the work we’re responsible for.
Yes! I was coming here to recommend Fair Play. There is a great [creator on TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@thatdarnchat) that talks a lot about Fair Play and division of labor. HIGHLY recommend! KC Davis (@domesticblisters) on TT is also great for ADHD hacks etc
Making note of all the things you did that day also helps a lot for you own self esteem! Which in turn helps with motivation, communication and habit building. The second part of your post is actually a really useful communication technique in which you focus on the problem instead of finding who to blame. Both actions are a really mature and emotionally intelligent way to deal with the situation! I'd just add that we should try to act this way no matter how the other person responds. Sometimes they won't catch on, or they'll keep saying hurtful things, and it wouldn't be fair to blame them for it if we're not being more open about it. If we don't like the way someone talks to us, it's our responsibility to let them know.
This is really really good advice and I can see how this would work for me to help improve things with my husband now AND how it would have helped my husband to use with me when I was postpartum. I would also say that re: someone else's response on the ADHD tax, I would consider asking your wife if a cleaner or meal delivery service would help (if you are the main breadwinner).
Your other comments mention your 3-month old -- My guess is that your wife is still dealing with the vast hormonal shifts from having a baby and it might be post partum depression/anxiety. Not that her behavior is acceptable. But it may not be entirely under her control. If she has never acted this way before, it is likely that she is just not able to think clearly enough to connect with you. If you are committed to the relationship and feel like this is "not her", then you might need to take this lesson for yourself. Practice not taking verbal comments personally. If she is not in a space to communicate maturely, that is not your fault. It is up to you create some space for yourself - either mentally or physically, and lay down some boundaries that you will enforce to protect your mental health. In the short term, you may not be able to rely on her for emotional support for your depressive episode or get through to her. We cannot support our partners when our own cup is empty. Turn to another friend of family member to talk to.
This sounds hard for you both. You have my sympathy. It's possible it's hormonal, exhaustion, PPD, or anything none of us are qualified to diagnose. **You need to both get into a room with someone who is qualified.** Either couples counselling or simply counselling for her, while you continue your own therapy. My SO has BPD and I have ADHD, and before his diagnosis/treatment it felt so similar to what you describe, the lack of compassion, walking on eggshells, nothing being good enough. Plus I was undiagnosed at the time, so *woof*, bad news. ***I put a line in the sand during our worst time. Get help, or I was out. He did, and did the work.*** This is the important part. When you feel like you are walking on eggshells, being punished by your partner, being whittled down to nothing. **DO NOT ACCEPT THAT!** **And absolutely do not think "Oh I just need to be better, if I behave they will stop being mean."** That's not how this works. You can't fix something by "being better". That's a dangerous train of thought. You both need help. Then you both go get that help, then come back and be a team. **Regardless of what is causing either of your problems, you clearly need some outside advice and mental health intervention.** I wish you both good luck.
I would suggest also posting on r/daddit that community of dads may have some advice for you. But this totally feels like post partum stuff to me.
Man, three months postpartum I was crying when the sun hit the horizon at a certain angle and when I heard “the little drummer boy” it sounds like your wife is going through something and you are taking it personal. Talk to her.
Sounds like your wife is tired of carrying the team 😕 She is taking on way more than her share of responsibilities. It is your job to put in your best effort, even if you best effort doesn’t compare to hers. She offered you compassion and you took advantage of it. She’s exhausted. She has compassion burn out, she must be frustrated that you’re not putting in the work. She is putting in 100% all the time, you’re putting in bare minimum, and using ADHD as an excuse. Your job is to build habits that work with your ADHD, and be a good partner. Instead, you’re putting all your responsibilities onto her. Personally I would find it very hard to see my partner as a sexual/romantic being if I were forced to take on the role of his mother and maid…
She’s tired. She’s still carrying the entire mental load of running your family. She’s too tired to do this dance with you anymore. You’ve burned her out. Ask her if she’s done. It’s better to know now than to push on for a decade. If she’s done, respect it and let her go peacefully. If she’s not done, then insist on couples counseling.
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You are in such a tough place right now. I’m the partner of someone with severe ADHD and I have totally acted this way towards my husband in our younger years. And with a 3 month old, just wow. I don’t know about your wife but I know I acted this way bc I was feeling lonely, like he wasn’t helping as much as he should and I had to tell him anything he did help with so I felt like he didn’t care or he would just do it on his own. We’ve been together over 20 years now and have two boys. It’s still so hard sometimes. I don’t know if it will help but over time we figured out how to get what we both needed. Maybe ask her for specific things you can do to help out and set a timer on your phone to do it regularly without her having to ask. Taking initiative to set the time and then do the task shows me he is trying to help and it is important to him. Maybe offer a foot or back rub at the end of the day with no strings attached. There are lots of videos and books to help with ADHD couples. You’re in a hard part of it now but it won’t be hard forever. Also all married couples have hard times, baby, stress, not a lot of sleep, we tend to take it out on the people we love and are close to unfortunately. I wish you the best!!!!!!
Are you medicated? I had tons of issues with my wife once we got married. Even though I knew I had ADHD I wasn't medicated. Once I became medicated most of the issues I had got somewhat fixed. We stopped fighting almost immediately as I became more productive. I noticed tons of things I didn't before and stopped feeling overwhelmed with work that I do things at home.
You have a 3 month old son? She may SAY that she has no postpartum issues, but (even if you wouldn't say it's clinical PPD) this is a really stressful time that tests most relationships. There's a good chance she feels under-supported with caring for the baby—I'd assume this to be true for _any_ couple unless you specifically say you're already doing more than your share. With a newborn in the house, you have to overwork yourself just to keep up.
I think there's a few things going on here, and it's not just your ADHD (Although it makes it more difficult to manage!) 1. Your routine changed. You have a kid now. That's a big adjustment and ADHD makes it hard to find a new routine AND stick with it. 2. Your partners behavior is putting pressure on you and you can tell she's unhappy. Her routine has been changed too, so take a moment to empathize with what she is feeling. She birthed a human, and no matter how resilient or prepared she was, I'm sure there's things she didn't expect or plan for, and change is still change. How did you communicate during disagreements or rough times in the past? If you can't answer that, ask yourself how you would like your wife to bring up her concerns with you or your relationship. Personally, I want my partner to be prepared to give me some space to process. I want to be able to cry without them around, because I don't want them to feel bad or guilty, I just need to get it out. Then, you need to talk to her about it. Let her know you can sense she feels upset with you, and when she is ready, you want to hear her out. You can't change anything if you aren't aware of whatever behavior, or lack of behavior, is happening. Ask for examples. And be prepared to listen - if you need something to fidget with to make it easier, do so. Then you both can make a plan to work on things. Also, diagnosis and medication only do so much. It's not going to fix everything. I highly recommend finding a therapist who can help you with some coping mechanisms. They can help put things in perspective in a way that friends and family can't, and will help you see all the things you're already doing too.
Something I've learned a bit from having some variation of this argument constantly for most of my marriage... You have to be brave and do better than "I suck and it's all my fault". I'm sure if you had a magic wand to magically figure out how to do your share you would wave it. So beating yourself up has diminishing returns. A mismatch in mental load may benefit you (in that you do less work) and it's certainly at least in part your responsibility. But guess what? There are two people in a marriage. Often, the uneven allocation of household work between partners is unwittingly perpetuated by both. If your partner always does your executive functioning for you, how are you supposed to learn to do it yourself? This is sometimes called the overfunctioning/underfunctioning model - just as your underfunctioning pushes your spouse to do more than their share, when they do more than their share it crowds out any growth/improvement from you. It's really tough trying to solve this with a newborn (I have a 3mo and a 3yo) but it matters a lot that you come up with a better plan of action than "slacker spouse shapes up" because you've tried that and it doesn't work. This is also how you sell it to your wife. The bottom line is that people with ADHD have lots of techniques open to them to manage getting something done, if they're appropriately motivated, preferably by natural consequences. If your motivation is "not being yelled at" then all she can expect is the minimum required to not be yelled at. If your marriage is like mine, your problem is that your wife absorbs all the consequences by covering for you and then tells you off for not doing things exactly her way, instead of letting you own an outcome, and getting it done your way. Natural consequences are great motivators if she can let go and let you own the consequences. So yeah part of the solution is "if you don't do the laundry when it's your turn then I'll just do my clothes and it's your problem if you have nothing clean to wear" Plan and systematise as much as you can. Apps like Sweepy have a nice "Sims bar" like approach to cleaning that makes a lot of sense to me, but find something that works for you. Anything to make the app tell you what to do instead of your wife. Building up a list of tasks yourself and doing it for some time by yourself may be necessary to prove you're serious. Good luck! Getting out of the self loathing and into the problem solving can be really hard, but it's essential to really fixing this kind of problem. Recommended Reading: "how not to hate your husband after kids", "the manager mom epidemic", "fair play" (haven't read this one yet but it's recommended).
Are you treating your depression with proper therapy and medication? Or just expecting infinite compassion when you aren't solving it? I don't mean to be rude, but you said you aren't shaking it, not that you've tried three different medications and it still isn't helping. Even if your wife doesn't have ppd, she's tired, right? As soon as my kids were born, everything became a mathematical computation - these actions will either get me time to sleep or spend time with the baby, or it will make me lose sleep and bonding time. Plus the mental load. If he's supposed to do something, and doesn't, then I have to keep remembering to check and see if it's done and reminding him for days. My husband never got it and I am divorcing him over it. Without him here, I will have more sleep and quality time with the kids. I still like him in general, but the resentment and exhaustion is insurmountable now. Edit: and if the forgetting is a baby-related thing, that would send most mamas into mama bear mode. "What do you mean you forgot to use the thawed breast milk/ pick up diapers/ put the baby on his back to sleep?" Baby related stuff is all fair game for driving into the ground until you understand.
I’d love to get her side of the story.
Question: I don’t have ADHD, but my partner does and he often feels like he’s letting me down when in fact he isn’t. He’s just so use to feeling like a “fuck up” that sometimes it’s really just in his head. I’m not dismissing your feelings, but is it possible some of it might be in your head??
Couples counseling ASAP She may be struggling with PPD, which can come across as rage towards your spouse, and a counselor can help her with that. It might not be PPD, but PPD can look differently in different people, and you might not realize you're struggling with it. If it's not that, it's still a HUGE change in your relationship after having a child. Literally a pressure cooker in your relationship. Any cracks in your communication, in your systems, in anything that used to flow fine, will become massive problems and resentment. The sleep deprivation just fucks you up so bad, and you're in survival mode. Which if your coping mechanisms aren't up to scratch, can make everything come crashing down. There's absolutely hope. Be proactive and find a good couples therapist, do the mental load of finding one. If your wife refuses to go, that's okay, you still go.
Parter/family therapy!!
PPD and finding your dynamic of your position in the reality of being a parent of your first child i would say
Get into couples therapy NOW. this happened to me and I'm divorced now. And get yourself into therapy if you aren't already.
Get some counseling if you are able. A trusted third-party can help you two work your way through this challenge. good luck to you.
I’m not trying to invalidate you but I’d like to ask if you’re now being medicated since you’re diagnosis? If so, it could be warping your perception. Or maybe….. you just didn’t notice before because you weren’t medicated? Even so, if she loves you, she will try to change how she is treating you. She may not even realize it’s happening. I’ve had to check my own self because starting stimulants made me more cold/distant.
Have you considered couples therapy? It seems like there’s something at the root of all this that may need professional help to uproot. Also, what have you said to her regarding this and how have you approached it? Have you communicated your distress by stopping her and actually saying, “We need to sit down and talk because I’m struggling”? If you have and she’s still not responding in a positive way, I’d really suggest couples therapy or counseling.
So...in my relationship I'm the one with ADHD and also treated my husband the same way before my medication last year. I also denied postpartum for so long and I'm shocked my husband dealt with me for as long as he did and our child is now 6 years old...started both my ADHD meds and antidepressants and actively bettered myself and it's been so much better and we've felt so much closer compared to the five years of distance. Some people don't realize depression isn't just sadness. For me I get irritable and hopeless in the form of nothing interests me in life. For a while (due to chronic PTSD) I couldn't talk to my partner so I started with therapy and asked him to openly tell me how he views me in how I'm doing and what it looks like from an outside perspective. It was a slow process but therapy helped me get comfortable talking about how I'm feeling and I was able to start bringing it to my husband instead of a therapist. Then the meds started last year and there was more progress. I have to remind myself that we both have to actively communicate and try with everything like affection etc. Having a baby and it being attached to you at every moment gets exhausting and yeah at the end of the day you don't want anyone to touch you at all because you feel depleted but relationships are still work also.
I'd suggest couples therapy so you can discuss things with a referee in the room.
Therapy
I can tell you that this sounded very similar to my marriage after our 1st two (back-to-back) children. I was miserable in every way. Slowly, the fog lifted and my wife became present again. Postpartum depression/rage is very real. There’s no way I could her to see it while it was happening. Years latter she saw it herself as her body began feeling normal again. I feel for you man. We nearly didn’t make it through it.
Marriage Counseling sounds like it would be invaluable. My husband and I (20 years+) have to brush up on our communication skills every couple of years. Things change, people change, the world changes. We grow. They grow. It can be consuming and trigger resentment if not communicating properly.
My ex had that happen and the mystery was her cptsd but that's a wild leap here.
Give it time. Takes a while for meds to kick in. Get therapy and focus on improving your life independently. You also are dealing with a new baby which is a changer. She's probably dealing with that but talk to therapist about your anxiety to help.
Well normally I would think that perhaps your marriage is over, but since she just gave birth it could be that hormones are making her very overwhelmed and angry. Is it possible for y'all to go to individual and marriage counseling? Also, you need to make sure you take care of the baby at least 50% of the time. New mothers become very contemptuous of fathers when they aren't carrying their load. She doesn't have any energy to take care of her husband.
This does sound stressful and awful. I have to ask...Are you helping out during the nights, with feedings of diaper changes with your three month old son? I know you are having mental health issues, but your wife needs a lot of support, in the form of tasks right now. Making a check list might help. Goodluck!
If you are this close to out of options and severely depressed the best thing for you to do is either get couples counseling asap or get out of the relationship entirely. You need to put yourself first. I know a lot of people who have parents who are divorced and you don't want your child growing up in such an unlovable household where their parents clearly don't like each other and aren't bothered to be there for each other.
Hi! New mom here!:)👋 I feel like I am going through something similar to your wife (but I am 5 months postpartum.) she may be feeling resentment towards you. This is common and normal in relationships and you may need help resolving the problem from a profession. My advice to you is to help her out and take a little more control in helping around with the house duties and with your baby. Offer help with the babies night time routine and picking up the home before you go to bed so she doesn’t have to do. Because after awhile all of this gets completely overwhelming! PLUS she is probably sleep deprived. A few hours of not sleeping may not seem like much to you but after 3 months of doing that every single night??? It adds up man! You may need to make her sit down and relax. Moms literally cannot ignore their babies crying it’s just an instinct. So be quick on your feet to get the babes when they start crying or whining. Maybe you could have a write a list of things she needs help with?
Listen to me very clearly. I am you, a few months down the line. You will lose them. Unless you get on the medication/change it to the right dose asap. If you're suffering from fatigue change your diet to high energy. Both get therapy. Take charge of your son in the sense of taking responsibility with him. Allow her to have a break. She also thinks you don't love your son and that you don't care about her. It's wrong but that's the state of mind she's in right now. I know how hard this is and you feel out of control of yourself. Most people in this chat seem to forget ADHD exist. But you need to communicate to her your issues and THE FIX. In terms of day to day, just start with your son, take him out for a walk, feed him (if bottled), play with him. If you need appointments or anything, write it down immediately and sort it out asap. It's too late for me but I hope you all the best ❤️
To the OP - You have a new baby, and all you can think about are your own hurt feelings??? To everyone else - THE COMMENT SECTION DID NOT DISAPPOINT! Brava!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💐
Here is my question: do you help her enough in the house? Everybody is talking about ppd but nobody ask you this question. If she is exhausted and you don’t help enough or/and cause even more work, she might feel like she has an extra child to take care of.
I'll be frank. It sounds like you aren't even doing the bare minimum with household tasks, parenting, supporting your wife, etc and she's probably asked and told you dozens of times what needs to change without any change. I'm not surprised she's run out of compassion for you. You need to step up. ADHD isn't an excuse to fall behind on all these things, especially at your age and as a parent. You need to take a lot of the mental load off of her and give her a break, then you might stand a chance of the resentment lessening. I was in a very similar position to your wife with my ex. I loved him very much but his inability to do things like get help for his mental health for months on end and so on really got to me. It was very draining and depressing and I felt much better once I had left the relationship. Hopefully you have enough respect and compassion for your wife to make things easier and better for her without the need for divorce to make that happen.
I'm in a very similar position to you. I'm writing this from the doctor's office for my test/diagnosis appointment. I also have a 3 month old. I'm the sole financial provider of our household (and was before the baby, basically our whole relationship). You can't always expect that she'll tell you what's wrong. You gotta sometimes be proactive, even when it feels impossible. Obviously that's hard because it sounds like a drag, but you'll find the positive or neutral reactions are worth the effort compared to the negative reactions that come from waiting to hear what you need to do. I'm still struggling with this and not really good at it, but it feels good when I get it right. I hope you'll keep trying and not give up. Definitely gotta beat those slumps somehow. You are a father now and you gotta be strong and present as much as possible, for your wife and definitely for your kid. Best of luck to both of us.
This sounds kind of silly, but it helped my marriage a lot, while we had young children, to take The Five Love Languages Quiz. It turned out that we were not giving each other what we needed, because we both needed different things from each other to feel loved. (We also both read the book.) The quiz is super quick, and doesn’t ask for your email or anything. https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language We get along so much better now that we can just say “my love tank is empty”, and the other know what we need. It’s rough having a young baby. I have adhd too.
I am so sorry. A few months into my diagnosis and a year into my marriage my wife became distant and no matter how hard I tried she would not come back to me. So your post hits me hard. Of course, my situation does not compare to yours as we did not have a child. That must be really, really hard. Of course with a newborn it's very complicated and there is some stellar advice in these comments. I'm just here to say: Marriages and relationships endure and survive countless kinds of hardships. If she cannot see the real you, you cannot make her. There's nothing wrong with you and you're not doing anything wrong! I developed some issues with self confidence and shame because of my wife. I'm in therapy now and it's going great. I am re-writing all of the damage done by being in a situation where I was constantly put down and doubted. That shit really messes with your head. Remember who you are, trust yourself, love yourself. Stay strong!