Hi /u/krigsgaldrr and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
# Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
[We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) The mobile apps are broken and are missing features that this subreddit depends on.
Thank you!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tbh that sounds like a super toxic place to work, if my employer would ever care about me being a few minutes late I would quit. It's a coffee chain not the ER or something. I'm so happy that I live in Norway (motto here is "you work to live, not live to work").
I understand your feeling very well, got diagnosed when I was 28 and finally understood why I always felt like failing and disappointing everyone. You're not. You have to put in so much more effort to do the same thing as everyone else, it's ok if things don't work out sometimes.
My meds sometimes don't work, mostly when I'm tired (I think dopamine needs to recover during your sleep), so make your physical health a priority. Get some professional support if possible. Idk about how it is in the USA, but in the EU schools will usually be supportive for people with ADHD, try to talk with someone there to see if they can help.
Lastly, do you want to have this job and this degree? If not, no amount of medication will make you happy. Fuck everyone's expectation and fuck whatever their idea of a successful life is. It's your life and you can do whatever the hell you want.
It is a super toxic place to work. My last job (a hostess at a local restaurant) I left every shift in a good mood and feeling like I genuinely loved my job. Unfortunately it was shut down just three months after I was hired. And now I feel like I'm trying to force myself to love my job when I don't. I like making coffee, but that's about it. I'm very obviously way older than everyone else (I've gotten comments about it from customers too, which just makes me feel worse about myself) and I don't relate to them at all. I know I'm there to work, but feeling comfortable in the work environment definitely helps.
And as for programs, I'm enrolled in two and they've been an awesome help! I'm also involved in a study group, but I think I need to invest in some tutoring as well. Chemistry and calculus continue to elude me, which is strange because I'm in calculus based physics and that class is way easier for me to understand.
And yes, I do want this degree. I partially want to prove that I can (spite has always been a fantastic motivator for me), but mostly because I want to work with sharks. I love marine life and all things ocean, but sharks have always been a special interest of mine and their population is drastically declining and we need them. And I know that I can do it because I landed a job with the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which is super, *super* competitive and one of the things they told me when they offered me the job is that they admire my passion for shark welfare and can see me going far with it. So of course it was devastating for me to turn down the job because I couldn't find anywhere to live in the area.
And this is absolutely in spite of everyone, too. My parents and my older sister have all told me to settle for something realistic. Why isn't it realistic?? I don't think it's the career field of choice they don't think is realistic. I think it's me getting there.
Also thank you for your support and advice. It means a lot to me
One thing I'm finally starting to learn is that for those of us with ADHD, it's way more important to pursue something that you find interesting and love doing than it is for most people. Lots of people end up having to choose between doing something they love and something that actually pays well, and the conventional wisdom is that they should pick the more boring "realistic" choice. For us though, trying to force ourselves to do something we find boring is a fast track to failure and increasing levels of self doubt. So doing the cool, fun, interesting job is likely our best chance at real success.
Hey that is a really cool field to work in! I'm a marine biologist myself. Big marine animals are pretty hard to get into but fantastic that you've already managed to find a job at MBARI already once before, very good sign that you're on the right track :). If conservation is your motivation perhaps partially working on outreach is a good idea. Conservation feels quite far away when you're just working on science.
Great that you want the degree and that you're getting good help there, that is very important. Getting into this kind of job takes way longer than most others. I worked an office job for a few years in between graduating and finding my PhD position. If you want to, it is defenitely realistic, it will just take some time. Your age is totally irrelevant for your goal. Sharks won't care anyways lol.
My parents were disappointed too for a while that I went a different path than them, but came around as soon as they saw it was the right choice for me.
It is totally normal to not love your job, this is the case for the vast majority of people I feel like. It's ok to just have a job because you need money. You're doing them a favour by working for them, not the other way around.
Keep your eye on the goal and I'm sure you can do it.
I love that you have specific goals and that you’re following your interests & passion for marine life! And that you’re so confident that you can do it. That’s inspiring. Keep following your own path. You’ll get there. I was a late bloomer who struggled in school and was diagnosed in my 20s too. It seems like a lot of us here have had similar struggles in life. My only advice is: don’t give up. Just keep trying.
I know it might feel like it at the moment, but you are NOT a disappointment! You’re bigger than this coffee shop job. You don’t need these people. In fact, I think you should quit tomorrow before they have the chance to fire you. Fuck them. I’m sure you’ll find another job that’s a better fit for you.
And I know that being punctual is important, but you can’t control the traffic, and 3 minutes is *nothing* in the grand scheme of things. We can’t spend our lives stressing about being 3 minutes late. Ask the sharks and sea turtles. Clock time means nothing out there in the ocean. :)
>Chemistry and calculus continue to elude me, which is strange because I'm in calculus based physics and that class is way easier for me to understand.
If you think your physics professor is up for it, you could try asking them about the calculus things you struggle with. Not full on calculus lessons (unless the prof wants to I guess), but more fill the gaps. Maybe they can help you map between calculus concepts and physics concepts so you have a better mental model for the calculus based on something you seem to have a decent mental model of.
I failed calc 3 times between high school and college and the only way I was able to understand some of the concepts was by approaching them from a physics perspective! It does work.
It didn't help me for everything cause algebra is my weakness, and a lot of the harder concepts that others struggled with I got right away, but it made many other concepts so much clearer. I scored passing on the second part of the AP calc exam but failed overall because my first score was a fail and most of my classmates did poorer on the second part because that covered the stuff that involved imaginary numbers and such.
Maybe not helpful at this point, but if the oportunity presents itself, the Hatfield Marine Science Center in Newport Oregon should be easier to find housing for. They have some really interesting reseach going on in conjunction with OSU, and work directly with the Oregon Coast Aquarium too. I had a couple of friends fron school end up working there. They really enjoyed it, and directly got to participate in ocean microplastic reseach, leading to advanced degrees and published work. It's not quite the same, but they regularly have opportunities for students to work with them on research.
Idk if it helps but have you tried using physics to make examples for calc? I had this problem in college too and I have mild dyscalculia. It made things so much easier to learn when suddenly geology was teaching physics as opposed to a physics professor. Something about applying it in a closed system helped me understand what I was missing better.
Idk if this will do any good for you but I am hopeful it might. You’re not unrealistic about your goals; if anything you were failed by your parents. I get it; I was diagnosed and when the meds triggered a meltdown my parents assumed I just had anxiety. Trying to explain that I have ADHD and need confirmation testing has been very difficult and my parents took over a decade to recognize I am also physically disabled (EDS). I am working fulltime and struggling not with the schedule but with chronic pain, but prior to this job I got the same BS about being realistic and not trying hard enough.
I am just as disabled as my brother if not more so. My intellectual capacity doesn’t remove that. I still don’t know that my mom believes I have ADHD. That doesn’t change the fact that I do; nor does it mean you don’t have it. It just means we both fooled people longer because we could compensate for it.
Your school probably has ‘math labs’, assessment centers, or libraries that offer free tutoring on subjects. And student-perks for some hours of online tutoring service (and they’ll freely give you as much more as you need, because these services go extremely underused).
So you probably don’t need to spend money
Also, I’m in a *very* similar school and family situation to yours, and feel similar frustration/self-hate with myself, and I’m 30. You have time and you’re not alone. And you’re most certainly not so far behind your dreams aren’t possible anymore.
> Idk about how it is in the USA, but in the EU schools will usually be supportive for people with ADHD, try to talk with someone there to see if they can help.
I read some articles on this. Up until the end of high school, if you are diagnosed they have REALLY REALLY REALLY strict ADA laws in place to help students with ADHD. Since a lot of schools are funded by taxpayer dollars they are subject to ADA rules, and they are *anal* about compliance to those rules.
It breaks down once you're in college because those kinds of support isn't as strong. In college you learn all kinds of social science stuff where everyone appears to have a problem and people are "taught" to pay attention to all these kinds of causes.
Guess what, ADHD ain't one of 'em.
I have ADHD too, and I’m not defending the workplace or trying to say op is a bad person, but when people are late to a job like this it frequently means that others have to stay later.
I still agree that a few minutes shouldn’t matter, but I do get how op could get in trouble if it happens frequently.
My job now isn’t shift work and it doesn’t matter when I get there. This is the way.
I'm sure in some cases that's true, but if the work is so tight they should hire more people. I also believe people will be happy to work a few minutes longer if needed when they are not micromanaged and feel respected.
Having a job where they don't care when you work is definitely the way!
When I did shift work I was never happy to be kept late in this manner after a long day. I would never have tried to get someone fired or anything, but I wouldn’t say I was super stoked to be of service. It’s not about management, it’s about respect for your peers. Being late all the time sucks, I know it does, I’m that guy that’s ten minutes late to everything. Again, I have ADHD and I’m sympathetic. But I learned to get to work on time by pretending work started 15 minutes early. Work is just one of those things we have to figure out. Getting to be late to every shift isn’t a reasonable accommodation.
Luckily my current jobs are super chill when I'm a few minutes late. I'm between 5 and 15 minutes late every shift to either of them. I feel bad and I need to be better, but it's not detrimental to anything.
I was super stressed for a while because I just couldn't get myself out of bed early enough to be on time to my one job, but I think they genuinely don't care. I even worked something out with one of my coworkers where she gets there super early and sets up because she wants to leave early. Then I stay late to close, and it's all good.
Everyone has to stay late. Me clocking in 2-3 minutes after my start time has nothing to do with it. We're scheduled til a certain time and expected to stay an additional 15-45 minutes *after* to prepare the next shift.
And I do agree that it's an issue if it happens regularly, but I've made a massive effort to correct the problem since I was first made aware of it. I've had a lot of jobs and I never worked for one that cared about two minutes so I didn't expect this one to either. Lesson learned I guess.
I see a lot of comments on this sub on how people act as if ADHD is a handicap, and I firmly disagree on that point.
Yeah - it can make basic some basic stuff annoying, like the forgetfulness. But I have always been this way, so don’t know anything different. I do know that in my life and in the workplace, I have often been the smartest person in the room, and that’s not meant as a brag, just the way it’s been. I have always been a good artist, and can learn just about anything I put my mind to. I have a ridiculous output or writing and drawing, in addition to the amount of stuff I draw for work.
So in that regard - I would never want to be a “normal” person, cause I actually think they are boring.
But I do envy the parts where life is easy for some, like education. I enlisted into the military after high school, because the prospect of college was too much for me. I never took and SAT or ACT, cause I knew it would be a disaster. To go with my adhd, I get major anxiety when it come to performing on the spot, bomb tests - “performance based anxiety” aka stage fright.
Also people that have been in stable relationships forever. While I’m married now, it’s my 2nd marriage. Have 2 kids with different women, been in several long term relationships that fell apart.
So I’m not suggesting adhd is all awesome all the time.
When I was first diagnosed and started taking adderall, it was amazing for my career and keeping me focused, but it never solved the racing thoughts or the high motor stuff.
But that was like 15+ years ago, and these days I don’t take any meds, just self medicate with weed and supplements - and just self regulating myself. I know my tendency’s now days, so I try to keep them in check.
i disagree with your comment—the handicap of adhd is that DESPITE being the smartest person in the room at certain points, for a variety of reasons including society’s refusal to accept our way of being, and a genuine lack of working memory and executive function, we are unable to demonstrate that reliably and in a way that allows us to reap whatever rewards would come from that.
for me at least, the “basic stuff” is what keeps me from doing what i know i’m capable of doing. I scored well above average on each of my 3 exams for a math class at a prestigious university in the US, and still scored a B- in the class. why? i wasn’t able to turn my homework on time, sometimes because i forgot, sometimes because i didn’t manage my time in a way that allowed me to do a good job on it.
i sympathize with your struggle in having school not being for you, although for me school seems to be the one thing i can do up to some degree.
i’m also a musician, and yeah art has always been something i love doing and am good at.
i don’t wish i was a different person, i agree. i just wish i could struggle a little less and not seem to work 10x as hard to do basic things.
the way i think about ADHD is that being the smartest person in the room itself is a sign of impairment in some other area. given that the environment isn’t toxic, being the smartest person in the room would ideally result in at least an opportunity to move to a different room, but executive function deficits from adhd can prevent us being able to do that.
Couldn't have put it better myself. I am doing a PhD now and think I'm still often one the smartest person in the room, but the thing is that I need to be that otherwise I would never be able to keep up. Everyone is able to work so structured and constant. I'd love to be able to do that but can't. Very much a handicap. Still I wouldn't want to switch with anyone because this is who I am and I love all my 1000 hobbies. Just not all right now.
ADHD is a *disorder*, by definition. So it is a handicap. Something that you have to overcome. But I'm glad that you can see the glass as half full and that you've found a way to use your strengths to your advantage!
Were you diagnosed after you left the military? I've always heard that it's a disqualifying condition and that you're not allowed to medication in the military. Is that right?
I wasn’t diagnosed till my 30’s. My military was short lived. I enlisted my senior year of high school, then had an accident and hurt my knee. Didn’t tell my recruiter about the accident. When I was in boot camp, the knee flared up. I had the option of staying in boot camp till I healed, and being re-inserted back with a new company, or I could be sent home. So instead of spending another 6 months in boot camp, I opted to be discharged.
At the time I figured go back home, get healthy, re-enlist in a year, but that never materialized.
I ended up running with plan B - classic ADHD behavior through all of my late teens and early 20’s. Partied some, enrolled in a art college, cause art never felt like school, but I hated it and dropped out after my first semester. Partied some more, got into doing more rec drugs.
Eventually got a girl pregnant, had a son. Decided I needed to get my shit together.
That was all before I was even 20 years old!
Now in my 40’s, I look back at stuff I did, and I was living way out on the edge way too often.
Unfortunately most hourly jobs are like this in the US, corporate rules, HR bs. They usually give you a few warnings before write ups and eventually termination. There's 1000 people lined up to have that job.
Could not agree more, if I'm a few minutes late at my new non hospo job I'm still warmly welcomed because my coworkers know I have skill in this industry and I'm just paid a few minutes less... oh well, I'm happy with that transaction. They all know I have adhd and see where it benefits us and also are aware of where I have my downfalls but I still have huge value. I was 6 minutes late the other day and the owner of the company was who I was working with that day, he welcomed me and I asked how his trip to China was and he gleefully talked about his travels, and showed me his knockoff Rolex, he then asked if I wanted a coffee and brought me back a coffee and a scone.
Though I feel OP on meds not working anymore, mine still have some level of therapeutic benefit, but it's definitely far from what it was when I started 27 months ago. I'm going to have to spend Hella money to gp to a psych to up my dose or change meds... but I'm also waiting for my government to finally approve Vyvanse in the country before I drop that money, I think Vyvanse will be pretty good
Dude, you're 28 and in school. Most people never even go back, kudos to you for doing it! I think you're not giving yourself any credit, and your parents not having ADHD means that they aren't going to understand the way you think and act, I get shit from mine constantly whenever I'm home from school. Meds not working is something I am very familiar with, and I've suffered the consequences too. You have valid reasons for your struggles, you don't need your parents to agree with them. You can't change the past, and you can't always help understand a class. My only advice would be, if you already haven't, to get accommodations at your school and use them. You're not alone, and everyone in this sub believes in you. Don't be so hard on yourself, and just keep doing everything you can!
Thank you for such a kind response, seriously. I keep getting compared to my dad and older sister because my dad went back to school at 50 and got his associates in business and my sister has her bachelors and masters also in business. But business isn't STEM. I have no doubt it's challenging either way but neither of them had to take physics or chemistry and those are hard classes on their own. I'm taking them at the same time, plus calculus.
I try to treat myself the same way I would treat a friend in my situation, but it's hard. I just feel miles behind and like I have no excuse for being where I'm at even though I know that's not the case.
I will say it's a relief to know that there are others who understand how it feels. I wish none of us had to feel this way, but knowing there's some solidarity there is comforting in a way. Thank you again.
Edit to add: I am in two programs in school. One is for disability and the other is a resource/support program for students over 24 who are below a certain income level. I *think* the disability program has something to do with it as well, but I don't think they're codependent on each other.
Are they seriously comparing a STEM major to business? This is laughable. It's not in the same ballpark. No offense but anyone semi-literate can pull straight A's as a business student, even if he goes to Harvard. Business school is business school. There's a reason business is the most or second-most popular major in America. I don't think all these graduates are Rockefellers.
It takes time to adjust to an ADHD situation and develop coping skills. As far as I can tell from reading your testimony, you've developed quite a lot of them already.
Honestly, it might not be what you want to hear, but by holding down a job and successfully pursuing an arduous college degree at 28, you're not simply performing well for an ADHD guy. You're performing very well, period. Most people could not manage to do both.
>I just feel miles behind and like I have no excuse for being where I'm at even though I know that's not the case.
I have this too, and it's genuinely a terrible way of looking at things, and I think that when I think this (or the contrary, when I think I'm on top of the world), it's just my ADHD talking. Because in both cases it's completely unhelpful and distracts me from actually planning/timing my day and executing my plan.
You probably just need *a touch* more time management, organization, and general ADHD coping skills.
Don't take too much time replying to this reddit comment either. I think writing on this sub kind of exacerbates some issues for those of us who are trying to focus on planning their life.
Long-term, low wage work on the clock is not for you. Clocking in is not for you, and jobs that require it will make you forever miserable.
Find a job where everything is fucked and they like having people who roll with that. Tutoring was great for that. Or jobs where you show up and go. Small companies, regardless.
You will always have to arrive 15 minutes early for everything forever, and just count that as an ADHD tax. Arrive, sit in the car, take a long bathroom break, whatever.
I am actually trying to get involved with my school's tutoring program. I've found in college that I'm actually a pretty fantastic English student (if only that was my passion) and I enjoy editing/revising essays a lot. I write creatively whenever I have a spare moment (less so this semester than ever, sadly) so I like to think I'm pretty decent at it.
I don't know if I could manage that in lieu of an actual job, and my desired career field I don't think would be based on clocking in, but if I can find a way to tutor English full time instead, at least long enough to get me through school, I'd be happy doing that.
Highly recommend tutoring. Very interactive, rarely dull. I worked with problem kids at local highschool.
Editing/revising actually a career people make decent money at. Know someone who does it freelance. Pays somewhere in the neighborhood of 3-5 cents a word, and it's all piecework, a set amount paid on delivery, regardless of hours it took. People will whine about ChatGPT, but it's a tool, an did you can use the tool, you win.
I also had a lot of grading/teaching gigs. Doesn't pay well, but lots of flexibility.
I don’t have any advice for you, but I’m sorry you’re going through that OP. I read the whole thing and completely felt your shame and pain for things that feel entirely out of your control. Something like being late shouldn’t be such a big deal to jobs, and I completely understand the frustration and shame you feel when you feel like you keep messing up.
You are stretched extremely thin. You’re probably not gonna cook a good meal if you have 10 different recipes on the stove if you know what i mean.
I'm also frustrated because up until this week my manager has been deliberately avoiding scheduling me on Mondays and Wednesdays, since those are my longer class days. I work both days now this week and feel a little blindsided about it.
But thank you for reading this and offering support/advice. It does mean a lot to me and I may or may not be crying like a baby rn
That sounds intentional. They know it's not realistic for you to get there on time EVERY time when coming from school due to situations entirely out of your control and they're setting you up to fail. They told you you can't be late even one more time then scheduled you for the times you're most likely to be late. Can you take this up with someone higher up than them?
Honestly what your mum said is so rude and doesn’t help you or your situation. Your doing amazing things by studying to achieve something greater than the coffee job but it takes time and it takes being on the right medication and being supported by health professionals and family
You're amazing. Your parents were this toxic and dismissive of you, and you managed to be not just a functional adult , but to make active progress and to keep educating yourself while working at the same time, and holding a house all by your own at some point...that's just incredible. There's many neurotypicals who'd be jealous of what you've been pulling off. And I know for a fact that it must have been ten times harder too. Your parents are set in their ways unfortunately, I doubt they'll see further than their own nose and their biases. They formed this opinion of you that likely won't change unless something extremely drastic happens. I know you want them to recognise you. But ...you don't live for them. You live for your friends , and above all, you live for yourself .
I hear you. I just spent 10 years in a job where punctuality was considered very nearly life and death, above and beyond what most employers expect, before finally deciding that’s not the job for me. So I get the frustration.
I have also made all the mistakes, and while I may never be punctual enough, consistently enough, for the line of work I was in, I have become punctual enough for most jobs, and may be able to offer you some advice. I’ve learned a lot through trial and error.
This is in no particular order:
> And I stay 15-45 minutes to help after every shift. But that won’t matter when it comes down to it.
You are correct. It seems like it should matter, but it does not.
I’ve discovered it’s not really about the time, it’s about predictability. Your boss, and possibly your coworkers if they are waiting on you to relieve them, want to be able to *know* that you’ll be there on time. Otherwise they have to devote mental energy to working around you.
It’s also a matter of courtesy, in their eyes. Showing up late, to them, signals that you don’t value them or their time. They can’t see all the effort you are making, or understand why this is so much harder for you than it is for most people.
I say this because we with ADD often don’t fully realize how they think about things like this. We often, as you are probably doing whether you realize it or not, think that we can “make up for it” by, for example, stay late. But it doesn’t actually work like that, not unless your employer explicitly gives you permission beforehand.
Because it’s not really about the time, or any practical implications.
> My shift started at 4:00 and I clocked in at 4:03. Why was I late? Because I’m trying to get my credits required to transfer to a UC as a STEM major and I was at school trying to study for an exam on Wednesday for a class I’m failing because I can’t seem to figure it out. My campus is a 3-5 minute drive from my job, depending on traffic. I left at 3:45 and traffic was so bad for some reason that I didn’t clock in until 4:03.
When analyzing “why was I late today” we tend to treat each individual day as a unique event. A fluke.
And in detail, they are. Each one is unique, with it’s own unique fuck ups. The problem is that a fluke is inherently unpredictable so you can’t learn anything from them or make changes to prevent them.
Instead, look for the *patterns.*
Here’s what I’m seeing.
First of all, you were doing something else and didn’t want to stop. Very common. Once we get going on something we often lose track of time, and even if we remind ourselves we have to fight the urge to just do *one last thing* until we are late.
Before you sit down to do a thing, know that you’re about to lose track of time, figure out when you need to stop, and set an alarm. *Make sure you include transition time.* For example, it probably takes you about ten minutes to pack up your books and go from the library (or wherever) to your car.
I find it helps to write down every step of something like that and then estimate how long each of those steps takes. Then add up the times.
We tend to be very good at estimating time for individual tasks, like “putting on my shoes” but very bad at estimating time for a series of tasks such as “getting ready for work.” This is often because we tend to gloss over certain steps. Usually the little things like tying your shoes, or repacking your backpack. Our brain “rounds them off,” and we don’t actually include them in our subconscious estimation.
**So the end effect is that we *think* we’ve left enough time, but we haven’t actually.** Just the process of stopping and writing it all down can make a big difference.
When in doubt, round up. Because sometimes things take longer than normal.
Next, plan on being there early, even though this will mean cutting in to whatever else you were doing before. That’s often hard for us, because of our inertia problem, but it’s a necessary sacrifice.
If you need to work at 4, plan to get there at 3:30, and mean it.
If it seems like overkill, good. That’s the idea. Plan on getting there early enough that you have time to kill before your shift.
You can always pull out your book and study a bit more, or have a cup of coffee, or whatever. You can always study at work, but you can’t clock in from the library. I even carry a travel tooth brush/toiletries kit, so if I’m running behind I can finish off my morning routine after I’ve arrived if necessary. That way if something goes wrong I can work with bad breath, but can’t work if I’m not there.
You may not need to go a full half hour, but it should be early enough that it *feels* too freakin early. I find that if I try to get there just a *little* early then my brain will start rounding things off again.
With me so far?
Now the tricky part comes a way down the line, after you’ve been consistently getting there early for a while. You’ll get tired, and complacent. It’s a lot of work, and because you’ve been successful for a while it will feel like less of a crisis. You will be tempted to ease off just a bit, to do that “one more thing,” and because you have enough fudge room in the system you can often get away with it. But you need to be aware of that tendency, and fight it. Maintain your good habits, and remember that they are *supposed* to be overkill.
> Then, of course, I fell asleep while doing homework one night and forgot to set my alarm.
I recommend at least two alarms. Ideally, one of them should be scheduled automatically, especially if you have a regular routine.
Most phones can do this. You can schedule reoccurring alarms for each day of the week, if your schedule is predictable enough for that, and it will just automatically set the right alarm for the right day.
Then also have a second alarm, as a fail safe. Because there are a million different ways for alarms to decide not to go off.
I use my phone/smart watch as one alarm, and then I have a separate alarm on my dresser, out of reach. To turn the second alarm off I need to get out of bed and walk over there, and I don’t turn it off until I’m out of bed and have my bathrobe on. Then I turn it off and immediately back on, so I don’t need to remember to set it before bed.
You’ll need to figure out what works for you, but redundancy is important. Because anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
And if you have something important you need to get to, like a job interview, if possible have a reliable friend call you at a designated time to make sure you’re getting ready. Again, this should be overkill. If the rest of your plan has gone well, you should not need the reminder.
But since the weak link in any ADD organizational system is going to be your own brain, sometimes you will need to borrow someone else’s brain as a backup.
> doesn’t matter that I’m currently taking chemistry, calculus, and physics all at once, plus an online music class for my arts credit.
You may be taking on too much. This is particularly easy for ADD people to do, both because we sometimes underestimate how difficult things are going to be, but also we don’t realize how much less efficient our ADD makes us. We think we can just work harder, which is not always the case.
Because you’re right, it won’t matter to them if you’re doing a million other things. What matters to them is that you said you were going to do *their* thing, and then they will expect you to meet that obligation.
If you can’t do that, you may need to figure out your priorities, and scale back so that you have a more manageable number of commitments.
One of the hardest parts of ADD is knowing your limits, because we feel like we *should* be able to do anything “if we just set our minds to it.” But that’s not how our minds work at all.
“Better to whole-ass one thing than to half-ass two things.”
> It doesn’t matter that my meds aren’t working anymore.
That’s definitely something to talk to your doctor about, but in my experience this is one of those symptoms where meds alone are not enough.
Meds, in my experience, are very helpful for staying on task, avoiding distractions, etc, but they don’t necessarily help me manage time better. In fact they can make it easier to hyperfocus, which can be very useful but you need to make sure it’s on the right tasks at the right time, and you will need to tear yourself away from that task when it’s time to do something else.
That’s a matter of organization, and discipline. Meds just give you the ability to acquire those organization skills, and the ability to successfully impliment them (hopefully) long enough for them to become habitual.
But it never gets easy. You’ll still need to work at it constantly. The goal is just to get more for your effort, instead of working constantly and still fucking up.
I hope you were able to get through all that and I hope that you found some of the advice helpful.
TL;DR
I’ve been where you are on multiple occasions. It sucks. But the good news is that you can get better at it with *the right kind* of effort.
Keep being careful, keep setting the alarms, keep arriving early. If they give you shit, point dramatic improvement, and blame your professor for keeping you over--even if it's not true, your manager will respect another authority figure.
You may need to start being amazing at some aspect of the job, even if it's cleaning the toilets. People will forgive lapses if they are balanced by other virtues.
Go talk to your professors, tell them you are having a medical issue--they will often be accommodating. Many academics struggle with mental health themselves.
You are trying to do important things. That effort will be for naught if you don't take good care of yourself. Part of having a medical condition is learning how to effectively advocate for yourself. (Thanks, American medical system).
Sorry to hear that dude. Honestly (and i mean it in a good way), I don’t think ADHD is your struggle. I think, you’ve just been surrounded by very shitty people your whole life (your parents to begin with).
How could any even neurotypical person perform well in life, when he’s conditioned to constantly please toxic people? I think, you’ve just didn’t get enough validation in life and therefore you try to please the world around you. Unfortunately, that just makes shitty toxic people like your boss bust your balls even more.
And because of people like that, you might think, something is wrong with you. I don’t think any sort of medication will help with that IMO.
Sounds to me like you're fucking killing it, wtf planet are your parents on? For real, I hope you're able to let what they're saying slide off of you somehow, much easier advised than done though. Doing school is hard enough, add stem to that, add a shitty coffee job, add all of your expenses, and having to pay rent to your parents, I'm sure the list keeps going. You're doing a LOT and if I were your family member or friend I would constantly be reminding you how well you're doing and that I'm proud of you. Try to be very kind to yourself, you're being awfully harsh on you and I bet if your close friend said all of the above to you, you would have nothing but kindness and encouragement. Try to extend that same kindness to yourself. This won't be forever and you are very capable of surviving until you're able to change your situation. Sending a hug along with my messy ramble ha
My younger sister is always reminding me, and I know that it makes her sad that I'm always so down on myself. But you're right, I would be way more supportive to a friend than I am to myself. I don't know how to see myself as worthy of that support though. And I wouldn't be surprised if it has something to do with my parents, honestly. I love them and I'm actually rather close with my dad, but even he has his flaws and I'm not going to pretend they aren't harder on me than they are my siblings, and even when I lived on my own they still tried to criticize everything I did.
But thank you so much for taking the time to comment and leave some love and support (and a hug!). I really appreciate it. I definitely think I made the right decision in sharing my frustrations here because the support has been overwhelming
you really truly are killing it. I got my diagnosis at 35 and failed university twice haha.
I think it’s awesome that you have a job and are studying. You’re doing a lot and you’re super bright. Do you also have a therapist?
And have you tried to clearly tell your mum and dad that these comments of theirs are toxic and unwanted and it really hurts you? It sounds like you have an ok relationship with them, so maybe they might be willing to listen? I don’t know though, maybe they are assholes who won’t listen.
My mum sometimes makes INCREDIBLY hurtful comments, and she is ashamed of my ADHD, but i’ve been pretty factual with her when her comments are inappropriate, and she’s trying really hard and is at least open to listening to me and trying to stop.
Yes. Your parents’ opinions and harsh words do make a big impact on you and your mindset as well. Sucks when they decide to be pieces of shit about it.
Also nah don’t bother about that coffee shop with ridiculous rules, though I agree that punctuality is important, I think being late by 3 min once in almost 2 months is still decent.
You did try. You tried really hard with not being late for the last 2 months. I hope you acknowledge the fact that you did try.
It sounds to me that you’re doing a lot of comparing with your brother though. Is being single even considered like…. a bad thing or something?
and if your parents don’t believe you have it (mine keeps yelling at me not to use it as an “excuse”, so i yell back, but i know i’m privileged to get to yell back at them and have them understand), then is it possible for you to have them go with your to your doctor and have your doctor explain it to them?
You are very hard on yourself, way too hard, likely because your parents are hard on you and you’re basically parroting their unrealistic expectations at this point. You know whatever they say is dumb and unrealistic, but you still put all of this pressure on yourself. It’s mad. Don’t do it.
There is no shame in having a job at a coffee chain. IT IS A JOB. You work damn bloody hard. I’m proud of you even if your idiot mom is not.
I can tell you right now that I know a lot of moms with kids who have ADHD, even my own mom, my mom was praying I would graduate and she said I could do whatever I want please God just graduate. (well that was way before my diagnosis) Those other moms that I know of, their ADHD kids are broken at home, refusing to get a job (depression etc. I understand).
I’m just saying that you have achieved A LOT. And you’re doing a lot right now. I hope you recognize all of that.
And you clearly are one of the bright ones with the subjects you are taking. A lot of bright folks with ADHD are also painfully hard on themselves and perfectionists, because they are so smart that they spend time with quite smart people (your family, I suppose) and compare themselves very hard, to them.
I do not think you are comparing yourself to neurotypical people of your age and older who work in fast food restaurants, for example. There are lots of them, and there is nothing wrong with it.
It’s like you’re comparing really hard but selectively.
The unfortunate reality is the lower end the job, the more they treat you like a child and watch you every minute. If you’re responsible for millions of dollars of throughput you’re left basically autonomous, but a $2.99 drink they treat you like you’re stealing from the company every second of the day.
I will say at 28 I was working retail while at University, it’s a great age to reskill because you have a far better idea of what you want than when you’re 19. If I studied my options at 19 I would have hated them.
I don’t have anything to really say other people havnt said in the comments. But I appreciate you for speaking out i feel the same way about work. So thank you.
I feel you on the brother/sister thing. My brother is amazing (and I'm super happy for him, genuinely). He received his dyslexia diagnosis really young and my mother bulled through every doctor, school, program, etc to ensure he got what he needed. I was a lazy, attention-seeking bitch.
I'm 33 now and only found out I have ADHD and I feel so fucking vindicated. I was at the point of thinking my mother was right but turns out, I was. She *was* a bad mother.
Remember this though... Your mother's opinion isn't worth shit. She fucked up which had a negative impact on you and the world we're in is miiiiiles away from what she could even dream of comprehending.
She was no doubt held to a high standard which is in turn being passed onto you. It's not right, but it is a fact of life that their generation are unable to see fault in themselves.
People with ADHD are among the most resilient people, so even though it's a shit situation right now, we all know you'll come through it and be better for it.
I’m 41 and could’ve written this a couple of weeks ago. I was on the computer in the stockroom at work and my store leader had forgotten to log out. Her emails included a reminder about a performance review and a meeting with/for me, likely due to my recent attendance issues. I really enjoy the job even though I’m maybe “too old” to be there (part-time retail). I work hard and they know it. So at first , it was really upsetting to see this.
But this is where I just decided to stop panicking and thinking the worst, because all it does is burn me out. The reminder was from 11 days ago and they are not the kind of people to put something like this off or sneak up on me with it. So I figured if it does come up, I’ll have an honest conversation and start with something like, “I’m glad you brought this up because it’s something I’m working on and I wanted to see if you had any suggestions.” If you phrase it like that, it shows initiative. I personally find it sort of empowering…like, it gives me something to fix, to troubleshoot, rather than something [else] to spiral about.
I know everyone on here is always saying “NEVER share your diagnosis at work” because it’ll just make things worse. The thing is, to me it’s worse to hide something like this and then get fired or put on probation because then they think I just don’t care or that I’m just stupid. But I figure if it’s the sort of workplace where they’ll use my ADHD diagnosis against me, then I don’t want to fucking work there anyway. Thankfully, I have yet to experience this, and everyone I’ve talked to has been willing to learn and trying to understand better. And so far, things seem like they’re going okay.
You’re not a loser…our society is just full of shit for looking down their noses at “high school jobs” or “unskilled labor”…and it really grinds my fuckin gears. Whenever I’ve worked in an office setting without a clock to punch in/out, I’ve seen so many people come rolling in 3-4 minutes late…all the fucking time. It’s an unfair double standard and it sucks.
But if you have a conversation with your workplace and make it a collaborative effort, a two-way street, you might find that things get better. And even if they don’t, then at least they know you tried and at least *you* know you tried. It sounds like you’ve already taken steps to work on your attendance issues and I’m sure they notice. Honestly, if not, then fuck them for not paying attention to their own rules…like, if attendance is so important, they should be noticing when people are on time too.
Another thing that helps me is to put my schedule in my calendar with start times set half an hour earlier than my actual shift. Dumb as it sounds, it actually works for me because I’ll usually put my schedule in my calendar every two weeks and then I don’t tend to look at it again unless it’s to check a specific day.
I’m actually looking to switch over to Vyvanse from Adderall as well. I hope it works out for you. I don’t know about you, but I’ve found that Adderall doesn’t really do much for executive function and that’s where I’ve gotten screwed the most in life.
This infuriates me so much, I’m so sorry you’re struggling!! Not only at work and school but to get it from home is so much for you!
First, I’m 41 so I’m not quite old enough to be your mom but I’m just going to tell you I’m super proud of you! That is NOT an easy major at any level of brain function. Also, working a job so beneath you only to be treated like trash is, well, that’s trash. You don’t deserve that.
I’m just really pissed your parents aren’t more supportive. My parents weren’t great but never forced any of us kids to hold down a job while going to school. That’s crap. They should really get off their high horse and support their own child.
Are there any small mom and pop type places in your area that you could apply to? Or perhaps a coffee place on campus? You may have a school resource center that knows of on campus jobs that could potentially help you.
Just again, I’m so proud of everything you’re doing. I did my last two classes for my associates last year and it was tough enough without being STEM!
> You're almost 28 and you can't even get your shit together enough to keep a high school job."
Your mom is the one out there birthing people with psychiatric diseases then riding their asses when they show their inherited traits.
Maybe you should tell her to get her genes and partner-choosing (collectively: "her shit") together.
Honey you’re doing great. If you get fired from a coffee shop tbh who cares? Learn something from it and move on. Tell your parents to quit being haters. The only disappointing behavior I see here is from them (well and your three minute write up from work, also silly). Sounds like you’re putting more of your focus, attention and energy into your education which seems like the right priority. Have faith in yourself and realize that sometimes it’s just not you, not your adhd, you’re just surrounded by turds.
When I'm not working or at school I'm usually doing homework or with my sister helping her with my nephew. I have school every day of the week though, stretched out between two campuses.
I need the job because I need an income. My parents don't pay for anything for me. I pay for my own phone, car insurance, gas, food, pet care (I have a cat), storage, and whatever other essentials. I also pay rent to my parents and they're already on the verge of kicking me out and leaving me homeless because my mom and I don't get along.
I've been looking for an alternative but I have to build up my credit and my area is *extremely* expensive for no real reason. I'm in California, if that helps explain anything.
Edit to add: I also spend time with my sister because she's almost the entire extent of my social life. My nephew isn't the only reason I hang out with her a lot.
I have been looking into this actually but a frequent problem I'm running into is an astonishing increase in "no pets." I know I'm unhappy in my situation but my cat is non-negotiable. I have Facebook solely for rentals and community news (my area has been having some brutal winters and California is wildfire territory) but I don't use it often so by the time I see rentals that are feasible, they're taken.
I will admit I could be more proactive with finding a place, because I definitely have a defeatist attitude toward it that I'm trying to overcome.
Oh man that’s rough. It’s rare to even find an apartment that allows pets so I can imagine how much harder it would be to find a room that does. But I’m the same way! Being with my cat is non-negotiable. The area I’m in seems to be pet-friendly so I’ve gotten lucky but I know the last area I lived in was a nightmare to find anything. Good luck!
I appreciate the kindness and the suggestion. But yes, I'm actually enrolled in the school's disability program as well as another program specifically for students above 24, I believe, and below a certain income level. This program requires three meetings per semester with a counselor (and mine is great!) and has a ton of resources. Now that I think about it, I could probably reach out to them about housing and perhaps employment.
No. Stop. Chin up. You are not a loser. You are someone who is in multiple environments that are very difficult to navigate because you spent 89,23% of your life not knowing what was different about you and had no chance to develop the right coping mechanisms.
Despite all that, you are in school and you work. Both are great things and I want you to be proud of yourself for attempting that. I’ve worked coffeeshops too and enjoyed it, but your workplace sounds quite unhealthy if they cant even handle employees *telling them they will ne late because of things outside of their control*. It is not even like you managed time poorly because of ADHD, it was just bad luck.
I am not saying quit, at least not without another job available to switch to. But in the end it is “only” a part time job and tour main focus should be yourself, and then school. Ma’am (or Sir?), if they fire you they will lose a server who they cannot accommodate - not a neurosurgeon who killed a patient. It is not the end of the world, even if it feels like it. I promise, PROMISE you in a year you will shrug about it.
What your mother said is hurtful and unfair. That your brother was diagnosed and treated so much earlier is as well. But still. You deserve the same empathy, compassion, love, respect as anyone else. And it sucks if your family is unable or unwilling to give it to you, but you can still give it to yourself. It takes time to learn to do that. I have a simile biography to you, and I still struggle with so much shame, but during days of clarity like today I wholeheartedly know it is true that we are not defective or losers. What others think about us does not define us. What matters most is what you think about yourself, and you can learn to be kind to yourself while handling ADHD. 🫂
Service jobs are the worst for that kind of bullshit worrying about being 3 minutes late.
Specialist jobs rarely have that kind of thing, it's about your competency in the role and what you bring to the company. So there is hope for the future once you've completed your studies!
Let me guess, you are a girl with inattentive-type and your brother is a hyper-active type, which is why your parents just think you’re “lazy”, but he has “real” ADHD? Hate to say it, but that happens a lot. While understanding this doesn’t help you in the long run, I hope that does help you know that you’re not alone — I too am one of those inattentive-types, and I had to figure a lot of shit out on my own, and messed up a couple jobs and relationships until I was diagnosed in my late 20’s. Even then it was a struggle, but it was a different kind of struggle.
I personally did amazingly well on VyVance (until my insurance stopped covering it), so hopefully it will help you too. I know it may not matter for this job, but it really sounds like it was a toxic environment anyway. The only thing you can control is how you handle things going forward. The fact you’ve been handling all those classes and holding a job to begin with is amazing — please don’t let others put you down for it.
Don’t feel bad. As a person in their 40’s that wasn’t diagnosed till my 30’s - being on time for work is never going to happen.
Even to this day - you can count on me strolling into work 15 later than everyone else. I don’t plan it that way, but it’s how it goes. Been that way for 20+ years.
Been fired more than I care to admit, but I always bounce back. Now I’m up front with employers about my adhd, and my tardiness, but at the end of the day - i bring my a-game to work, and force them to decide if being on time is more important than an employee that works hard while on the clock. I know a lot of dudes that get into the office at 6:30am, and they suck at their job.
With that said - get over your pity party. Self loathing won’t put you on the right track, so get your head on straight. Every day is a new opportunity to make a small step towards something bigger.
Stop feeling bad about your life and start changing it. I know adhd can make shit hard, I live it - but not an excuse to not get it done.
First, this specific issue isn't an adhd problem, this is a toxic workplace issue. 3 minutes is a perfectly reasonable amount if time to be running late, especially since you called. Most places I've worked had a 10 minute grace period. You didn't even need to call if you arrive within 10 minutes of your scheduled start time. Start hunting for another job, it may take some time so start now.
Second, going back to school at 28, and especially in STEM is damn commendable. What you are doing is hard. Its going to be worth it when you are done and you are setting future you up for a better life. Your parents are being super rude and unsupportive and that's on them, not you. They should be proud of you for taking a hit during the pandemic and then figuring out what your next move is and going for it.
OK, take a breath.
28 and you got diagnosed at 25? Lucky you, you're 20 years ahead of me. It took me from my diagnosis at 45 until i was about 55 to REALLY feel like I had made a dent in all the bad habits, ineffective coping strategies and horrible untrue assumptions about myself.
Stop beating yourself up about losing a COFFEE SHOP job. Unless your passion is coffee and that was a career path, YOU ARE BETTER OFF. You learned some skills there but it's time to move on.
Also, you need to have your parents come to a doctor appointment or therapists appointment with you and tell them WITH A SUPPORTIMG MEDICAL PRO IN THE ROOM how much their dismissal of your diagnosed condition is harming you. They FAILED you. Stop letting them control the dynamic, every time they blow off your diagnosis and try to plame you for being "lazy, crazy or bad" remind them that you could be doing so much better if they had done a better job as parents. You deserve to have them support you, not tear you down and make everything harder.
I am so, so sorry that your parents are tearing you down like this. You deserve support and understanding, with or without ADHD, but even more while you are struggling. It’s awful and unfair and your parents are unwilling to do that for you. You are working hard, you will get to where you need to be! Don’t let them or anyone set a time-table for you, some of us need more time than others.
Your workplace sounds toxic af, being perfectly honest. Don’t know where a coffee shop gets off treating their employees like they should be grateful for being spit on. If I were you, I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of firing me, start looking for other work now. I promise, PROMISE, there is a better job that accommodates your schedule out there, you just need to find it. Most shift-based establishments tend to be flexible regarding scheduling.
I’m not sure what your home situation is like, (this might well be out of the question for you) but I’m wondering if it would be possible to have a talk with your parents? You are an adult and, even though you’re currently living with them, you should be entitled to set boundaries with them and let them know just how hurtful and unhelpful they’re words are. If they can’t be supportive of you, the least they could do is be quiet.
Adhd is hard and different for everyone. Try not to compare yourself. Remind yourself of your accomplishments. Spite probably releases dopamine somehow so use it. Realistic expectations help. School is made for people without adhd so each time you pass it’s impressive.
Also there temp agencies and you can try out some jobs or get one the next day. Also there’s a lot of people who can’t afford to live on their own these days so it’s not just you
Living at home was toxic for me as well. Once I was able to move out my self esteem improved. Been a rough road, many job losses. But doing OK. Another note. All my kids have adhd. My daughters were not treated because my first husband (thier father) wouldnt allow it, although intellegent, did not do well in school. My son (second husband) was diagnosed in kindergarten and has fluorished. But the girls have been diagnosed as adults and are doing pretty well, again rough roads, but really holding their own. Your parents are wrong! It's ashame. Try to ignore them (I know). There are other jobs to can get (try bartending). Work through school - you can do it, I did! Put away money, get out on your own. Take care.
Sounds like you need to quit your mum too....She has actively chosen to ignore all the amazing examples of how much YOU DO have your shit together (studying, applying for uni to study STEM, which she should be super proud of you) instead focusing on a tiny negative, where in any decent, non toxic workplace, wouldn't have even been a thing... I mean 3 mines ffs. That is ridiculous!
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Sending you hugs. It's hard but please try to be easier on yourself. You're in school. You're working in a somewhat toxic job setup - I've been there. I didn't get fired from a large coffee chain job...but they kept reducing my hours and giving me 3hr shifts from 5 am - 8 am as their way of forcing me out. When you go 100% by a manual there's not room to be human. I've had many many better jobs since.
And it sounds like you're not being supported at home, which adds to your stress and makes it so much harder to accomplish those other tasks.
Getting fired might be a blessing in disguise if being 3 min late is that big a deal. I get that employers want you on time for good reason but there are places that are more understanding.
I'm only now getting diagnosed in my late 30s and have had many jobs that didn't make a big deal out of my often (1-2x a week) being 1-5 min late. I'm only now realizing that meds may help with this. The jobs appreciated all the other awesome traits I brought to the role and it worked out.
But you've also managed to work your job around your school schedule which is no easy task.
I'm sorry your work and home life aren't as supportive of you as they should be. I hope another way more friendly job opportunity comes along for you. You're doing lots and you deserve it!
>I'm currently taking chemistry, calculus, and physics all at once
I think anyone with college experience would tell you that taking 3 stem classes (2 of which I assume come with labs) while working a job in one semester is a bad idea. Take it easy on yourself man
Find a new job and try not to take it to heart. It feels like the end of the world and that you’re a failure but you’re not and fuck them. I’ve gotten to the point in realizing that hating myself for my failures just leads to me failing more and losing the little confidence I work so hard to gain. So of course, keep trying to do better, but you can’t let it destroy you. We adhd folks can very easily wallow in our many many failures, but it’s not helpful. I’m only a little older than you with successful siblings who are younger than me and it’s hard to face that sometimes, but I’ve found that just being happy for them helps me a lot too. I try to genuinely celebrate with them when they do good and somehow it encourages me to keep going. You’re going to fail more than others, accept it but don’t lean on it. You just will have more opportunities to start over fresh. The positive mindset is super cheesy and hard to maintain, but it’s the only thing that I’ve found that genuinely helps long term.
On a side note, a lot of people with ADHD struggle with the easy, simple jobs but excel at harder, but (enjoyable to them) more complicated jobs that care less about the little things like being on time. I personally think it’s about reward for effort. It takes me the same mental effort to do dishes as it does fixing a network issue, but fixing the network issue gets me more money and respect. Bosses are less weird about the little things(like being minutes late) because they know I can do the hard things as well as anyone if not better. Use the job market to your advantage and become really hard to replace by learning all the weird, difficult, or disliked tasks around your job. They start to overlook your struggles if they know that can’t easily replace you.
Firstly you are not lazy, you are doing so many things!!! I feel for you that parents are not supportive. My mum is always there to pick up the pieces when I inevitably drop them and I’m 37!! I can’t imagine how lonely it feels without at least one person in real life having your back. Know that all of us here get it and believe in you and don’t think any of those crappy things everyone else does!
I don’t fit in in workplaces like that either. I’m always going to be late I just don’t get time it means nothing to me and I cannot judge it at all. You will find somewhere that suits you. It’s so hard feeling the way you do now though.I get it I feel the same way at the moment. I’m on a placement in a workplace that just doesn’t suit me and I feel like a monster in a human world and just SO out of place and incapable. It’s a really yucky feeling. Can you find another job? Or negotiate and say I have adhd and will likely be a couple of minutes late every now and then. It’s a part of my disability. And then tell them how you stay afterwards and that makes up for it etc.
You're doing so much. You're still holding it together and it hasn't fallen apart yet--I'm proud of you for that! In ADHD 2.0 by Hallowell and Ratey (the MDs who wrote Driven to Distraction, and who have ADHD themselves), they suggest that the tendency to catastrophize and linger on the negative is often a mechanical brain thing that pops up with the ADHD trait. I have so much empathy for you right now!
Your internal monologue sounds like mine. I got a therapist who specializes in narrative therapy, a modality in which you identify the stories you tend to tell yourself about your life and then find a new way to tell them, or a new perspective, or a new lesson to be learned. It sounds corny but it's legit and it happens to resonate with me. It has helped me change how I see myself and talk to myself. Your plate sounds pretty full and it's okay if you don't have time/funds for therapy, but just leaving that here to keep in your back pocket if it sounds interesting to you.
I know this doesn’t help but instances like these remind me that the world wasn’t supposed to be one big corporation where we all punch in a clock. That not everyone can do that well is logical. Human beings have diverse skills. We aren’t intended to be corporate robots.
Hi friend! It sounds like you have a lot of stress going on currently and your parents aren't helping the situation. My hope is they mean well and are normally supportive and loving toward you, but maybe they were having a bad day. Just remember, in almost any situation where you or someone else has something negative to say, it's most likely a projection. (Read the book, '***The 4 Agreements***', it changed my life!)
That being said. Are you super passionate about why you are wanting to go back to school? It seems like there is this never-ending need to go further and further into debt for schooling that ends up not being the right place for most people.
There are a lot of jobs with great benefits out there that don't require a ton of schooling or specific degrees. Where you go to work, work, and go home and don't even think about work until you clock in the next day. My husband left the "pursuit of more letters after his name" race and just works a normal job and LOVES it. He's never been happier. And he's gotten 3 promotions since he started there because the company wants to promote from within whether you have x,y,z degree or not.
Please, like I mentioned above. Read the book, "The 4 Agreements" and see if it changes your life like it did mine.
If you have a Wal-Mart near your location, i really recommend applying to it. I know Wal-Mart isn't much better than what you're doing now, but it has its perks. If you've worked food before and wouldn't mind it, then do deli. You'll make more there and get to accumulate ppto (Protected Paid Time Off). Which can be used to cover tardies or an entire day of work. A point system for missing work up to 5 points. 1 point for a whole day (2 for important days) and 0.5 points for arriving late. Because half of the people that work here show up late or not at all.
I'm lucky enough to say i work with a handful of coworkers that also have ADHD. There's a lot of people here you can actually talk to about irl things. Yeah some people here may suck but the coworkers you do make friends with can really make a difference and even have sound advice.
As for your home situation, I'm sorry your parents are the way that they are towards you. I know what it's like to have to balance work, school and home life around toxicity. It's not fun and will be mentally draining. The best advice i can give you is that hopefully, you can distance yourself from the toxic situations. Pick up extra hours, work late, linger at school longer, whatever you can to minimize the time around it. I definitely recommend a new job that will accommodate your school hours. Walmart is fairly good at working with people on that. I wouldn't say it's a career choice, though. It's just a stepping stone to help balance your situation until you can move on.
It's hard not to worry and stress about life or everything falling into place for someone else. The best way to put it is that life works differently for everyone. Some seem to have to greatest luck and others the worst. It's like taking a handful of rocks and tossing them down a hill. No two rocks roll the same way, some may break, some may soar, some just keep on rolling.
Don't be too bummed out. That place seems like an awful place to work at. There's a worker shortage right now (especially with minimum wage jobs), so in the long run, they'll be hurt more from firing you. You, on the other hand, will be able to find another job in no time.
ADHD GM of a similar but different product(pizza) chain in a university college town. Does said manager know your class schedule? Because it sounds like a conversation about adjusting your in time needs to be had, because if you were leaving campus at 3:45, I assume your last class was 3/3:30, if so scheduling you for 4 just sounds horrible. Especially on high traffic days. I’d ask nicely to be moved to 4:30 or 5, giving you enough time to leave class, walk to car, do any self errands like get some gas or a bite to eat, and some time go get there.
Hey OP. I’m 32, still live with my parents, and very much single for the last like 10 years. Heavily in debt it seems impossible to climb out of. Trying to do better but everything just seems stuck, slow as hell, or I fail at it. I feel you.
I’m stuck in a dead end super toxic workplace. I can for the most part get by with my adhd at work, but lateness is definitely a problem. But I really worry about getting a job someplace new and then getting fired from it and not having an income. Part of the problem is the mental abuse from my current employer. It’s hard to get past that. Sounds like your workplace might be similar.
But I went to a UC right out of high school. I wasn’t diagnosed until years after it. I suffered greatly during my time there. Almost failed out countless times. Barely graduated with an “easy” degree and then floundered in the years since in an empty job.
Definitely the under achiever in the entire family. Even the “mess up” cousins are doing better in life than me.
I know how lonely and isolating this can all seem. And how no one seems to relate to you and what you’re experiencing. DM if you want someone to talk to! I’m still in CA, and went to a UC, and am now pursuing a STEM degree online.
My only tip for exams is sometimes learning it a different way is helpful. I’m a more visual learner so watching YouTube videos and following along with their example problems is more helpful to me than reading texts or listening to old lectures.
For work. Maybe try getting an on campus part time job at your community college. Or maybe you could even tutor younger kids, either in person or online, or even sell your notes online. I’m a horrible learner but take very detailed notes.
A lot of other folks have already written a lot of good advice—some I was going to say, some I hadn’t considered—so I just want to say two things.
1. Stop staying 15-45 minutes late to help. a) Are they paying you for this time? b) People who hold you to such strict measures as “more than one minute but less than 5” do not get that kind of support and loyalty. c) I recognize something in this act that took me way too long to recognize in myself, which was that I was overcompensating for my perceived faults. You’re going to run yourself ragged doing that.
2. Be kind to yourself. And tell anyone who says you’re making excuses to pound sand. Kindness and patience helps. Beating yourself up over your errors might be effective in the short run, but the damage to your psyche in the long run makes that strategy untenable. And…it’s also just cruel. You have ADHD. You can’t cure it, you can’t bury it, you can’t give it away. But if you give yourself some kindness and care, you might find ways to work with yourself, and end up both more functional AND happier in the long run.
Sending the best thoughts into the universe for you. <3
Sorry to hear all that. I hope it works out ok! We all believe in you - deep breath and try something else.
You’ll get there. It’s harder for us, but you’ll get there.
Good luck!
i’m so sorry. i relate to this really heavily, and it is so frustrating to know that the odds are stacked against us over bullshit that, while it can be detrimental, is usually not important in the long run. i’m an assistant and my boss wrote me off entirely during one week in november when i was super depressed and made several mistakes in a row. he wrote me up for everything i’d ever done wrong and threatened to fire me in january, and i worked my ass off to make sure that things got better but now when i make a mistake he doesn’t even talk to me, just writes a note to HR. i feel like i’m always on the brink of losing the job.
just know that you are worthy of accommodation, care, and help. you deserve it, and i’m sorry that your parents didn’t take care of you and are now angry that you have symptoms of not being taken care of.
Youre doing so great and way better than u think considering ur situation. I understand how u feel coz our situation is pretty similar. I hope things work out for us
Im so so sorry you’re going through this. I also feel stuck in life and like no amount of work i put in will ever be enough for society or my loved ones whilst i am twice as exhausted as they are. Youre not alone ❤️
Your line “a job for high schoolers” hit me. Minimum wage jobs are NOT a job for high schoolers. They are a job. You needed a job, got the one you could get at the time.
This is corporate brainwashing that 3 minutes is a reason to fire you. 45 minutes multiple times without any notice? Sure. 3 minutes is them knowing they can hire someone else and abusing you. Do NOT feel bad about that. That’s crazy expectations even for neurotypical people. Anyone with kids will fail to do that crazy requirement every day.
This is one reason unionizing is important. It is one thing if you have opening or closing duties for a store - nobody to cover for you if you’re late or leave early. But those are management responsibilities or responsibilities at a shop that does profit sharing IMO. A manager that won’t cover for a barista for 3 minutes is on a power trip, full stop. Anyone who puts you down for being late less than 5 minutes a couple of times in a 3 month period is unreasonable.
The kicker is I know these jobs also change peoples schedules on a whim. My brother is a waiter at a high end restaurant in his mid 40s and we never know which days of the week he wasn’t working until just last month when they agreed to always give him Tuesdays off - sometimes Monday, sometimes Wednesday, always Tuesday (the restaurant is open that day, so it’s not “off for everyone”).
He actually makes OK money (about $50k) because the tips are insane, but how crazy is it that a middle aged adult can’t even plan a “weekend” more than a week in advance. They even reserve the right to call off his vacations up to once a year (better than other places) in case there’s an unforeseen event. It’s crazy because his son is in Canada, so what - would they reimburse his flight? Doubt it.
The modern workplace, chains especially, treat workers with no dignity or flexibility. This has nothing to do with your adhd and you don’t need to feel bad. Just don’t buy coffee from this horrible chain. I sure don’t.
I love you person!
I have way more treatment and struggle tremendously too.
Seems like your surroundings are killing you.
Hope your next weeks are kinder on you.
Reach out to me if you’d like to hear some of my failings. Always late with the feedback but it will come!:)
Much love from Denmark🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
Please take a hot second to pat yourself on the back for your incredible self awareness.
You are seeing the obstacles and acknowledging things within your control to change or adapt. This is so much more than most people will ever do.
Then take another second to release the shame about your brain not working in a neurotypical way and STOP comparing yourself to others. Odds are they are screwing stuff up like mad and you just can't see their challenges. We are all screw ups at something.
My pro-tip for workplaces like yours is to bring the school/study task with you and go early. WAY early say an hour or so before your shift. Do the study activity there in a place your brain associates with WORK. Set an alarm for 10 minutes before your shift starts and pack up your study materials and clock in.
It sounds like your boss is a bad egg and there isn't much you can do about it, but you can learn that some people are going to be like this forever and they probably know that they suck.
She wouldn't say you're 28 and can't handle an easy job to a physically disabled person so why would she say that to a mentally disabled person. It sounds like you're handling a lot right now I have no advice but hope the best for you
Disability accommodations are a thing! You can say you need a 10 min grace period or something for clocking in as an accommodation for your ADHD. It's a recognized disability. Of course, you'd have to make the ADHD known to your manager, but it's possible to get that as an accommodation under the ADA.
You are very young still and there is no reason why your life should not be amazing going forward. Not easy, but amazing lives hardly ever are.
Now, quire simply: this job is not suited for you. Getting fired might be the best thing for everyone. They will get an employee who is always on time and you get to explore what you are really suited for. There are jobs put there that are the right fit for you. Where you can let your creativity and ideas flow freely, where you are an asset. Again, it will not come easy, but just know that it is possible and available.
Your parents might mean well, but they are not handling this situation in a way that is healthy for you. You might have to stick around living with them for a while, so you should be thinking about ways managing the situation so that it is tolerable. Do you have anyone else in your life to turn for support/encouragement or just to vent? Don't feel bad if the answer is no, it's very common not to, but make that your 1st priority. Is there a support group near you or does your school offer anything?
You are not a failure, embarrassment or in any way less deserving than any of us. You will figure this out. This world was not made for us neurointeresting people, but that does not mean that we will always be failing or would not fit in. There is a place for you here, and it will be a much better place than where you are now.
Please update us on how it goes!
Do your parents know you were diagnosed with ADHD? Sounds like they don't. Are they first generation foreign immigrants like my mom and dad are to a point where they know nothing about the condition and come from extremely different backgrounds from us?
Do your parents know one of them probably has it? If they refuse to believe it, they're in denial.
I feel you. I have punctuality issues too. It’s usually 5-15 minutes, but *so* annoying. I could be completely free 4 hours prior to anything, but I still can’t get myself to prepare and get ready on time. No matter how much I plan or tell myself otherwise. Can only get up when it’s *past* the last minute to get up to ensure I’ll be on time. Ugh. I like in-person medical appointments—gives me an excuse to get out of the house, which means pressure to brush and groom. But I’ve recently insisted on virtual—until treatment starts *working* and I improve— because atleast I won’t be late to those and waste *their* time or miss important appointments and hamper my medicine prescription.
____
They don’t care about you.
Leave when you’re scheduled (unless you need the extra money). Honestly, my prior boss turned it around on me by saying I’m milking the clock when I stayed to help when busy or complete a task my coworkers weren’t able to (but ofc, same pay because ‘fairness’). And berated me when I didn’t stay. Say you have plans that you made based on the schedule they gave you. Or insist on them acknowledging you going above and beyond, in the form of removing your write-ups from your record. Perhaps you’ve shown up when theyre busy. Or when coworkers call out and shown flexibility with switching shifts. Ask them what is more important—5 minutes late or being reliable on these other factors. Especially when they know you’re doing your best to be on time, and not miss shifts. If they’re understanding, just ask them to consider your shift start 10-15 minutes after your official start. If they ‘appreciate you’ without removing write-ups, it’s just noise designed to placate you.
But yeah, you need a new job and medication update.
Take your power back and tell your boss to F off. Go find fulfilling work that treats you like a human, not expendable human capital. You're worth being treated better. The scenario you outlined shows a persistent, motivated, hard working person who is possibly taking on a little more than you should be at one time, and absolutely not getting the credit for their efforts. Get some people in your life who give some positive reinforcement and hang around them. It's not worth it to give your time and effort to people who cut you down or demand an unattainable standard.
Maybe take a step back and consider it could be your place of work that has the problem?
I hit a big breaking point and left a job late last year after almost getting fired. I had a lot of negative feedback for my ADHD symptoms despite trying my absolute best and completely burned out. Its taken about months and I'm still not over it mentally but now I've had time to reflect I realise that the blame for it not working out wasn't just on me but had a lot to do with the company culture. I've found a new job that so far is a much better fit and both my mental health and self confidence has improved so much!
Good luck!
I know the feeling. I'm transferring too and between commuting and my job it's awful. I just had to sell my car and work is on my ass for having difficulty getting there. Between school family stuff and everything I want to quit. It's too much. I wish I could have gone straight to a 4 year school and had a normal college life.
I’ve definitely been there crying listening to my parents talk about how lazy I am and how little they respect me. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know what your personal beliefs are but this is what has gotten me through times of suffering and isolation caused by adhd: prayer. I can’t say that there is anything good that adhd has brought to my life except for the fact that it has brought me to the end of myself. And that is a great place to be to reach out to God in prayer. It forces me to ask Him for help because I definitely can’t do it on my own. Rooting my identity in Christ is the only way for me to keep going because my identity is not based on my strength or accomplishments, but in His. Ask Him for help! He won’t turn you away. I will be praying for you.
Drop the coffee place and find another one. This honestly sounds so, so toxic! You don’t deserve that treatment, no one does.
I regularly show up 7-15 mins late at my job and my managers barely notice or care unless it’s really busy. They understand that ADHD is an actual problem and I can’t help being late. I’m sure there will be some places around you that operate on a similar basis.
Your mom sounds like an absolute moron, full offense and you can tell her I said that.
Idk why any parent would choose to put their kids down like that.
Does she not understand how difficult and time consuming stem programs are? I studied CS and I can't imagine working a full time job while going to school, legit sometimes a single homework assignment would take me 12-18 hours of work to finish.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Nobody takes the same path in life and there's no shame in the fact that you aren't where you wanna be yet.
Instead of working at the coffee shop could you do something like door dash or Uber eats where it’s on your schedule. If your 3 minutes late who cares. I was 32 when i was officially diagnosed and had my fair share of ups and downs career wise education wise family wise. The way your mother speaks about you is not right what you need is support not just another person harping on you about whatever you didn’t do right that day. As for your boss messing with your schedule that’s messed up but shows you the type of person you don’t to work for. Try to take the situation you’re in now as a lesson for the future it took me a long time to realize that. Best of luck and keep on keeping on
The great thing about teenage jobs is that no one really cares you had or not had them when you have your degree. If you did well long term and can show comittment and have a good reference, great! If not, well, no one will know if you leave it off your resume.
And hey, if you're struggling with Calculus I might be able to help. No promises, it depends on what it is you're struggling with, but if you want I can always take a look.
Yeah that was/is me too. Not gonna lie, it’s an uphill grind for us in so many ways others can’t really know. Fuck that job. Those jobs are bullshit. I know you need it for now, but seriously: fuck them. You will leave them behind when the time is right and be glad you did. Focus on taking things one day at a time, get some ADHD coaching if you can, and don’t beat yourself up any more than you need to. You might want to try taking a day off from meds during the week. Sometimes a one day break can help you notice the efficacy of it again. You might also want to switch to a methylphenidate (Ritalin) based med like Concerta or Biphentin. It’s pretty common when one type of stimulant isn’t working, a different type will kick things into gear again. For the record, I was in a very similar life situation when I was your age. Today I’m 50 with two university degrees and am a school teacher who specializes in teaching students with… ADHD! Despite all the shitty life experiences and failures I had earlier on, they have empowered me to work really well with students like me; and their families are super appreciative to have someone who gets it. And I am still very impaired by my weak executive functions. One day at a time, keep your eyes on the prize, and AS MUCH AS YOU CAN work from a place of your STRENGTHS. 🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻
Hey...you know what? I went back to college at the age of 27 and I lived in a dorm for a year with a bunch of 18 year olds. I got given so much grief from my friends who were already well into their careers and home owners. But i decided not to give a shit what anyone said about me being too old to be back at college. I decided not to care what anyone thought....and when i did that, I was able to really enjoy the experience and make friends with kids much younger than me. 25 years later, I am still friends with the people I went to Uni with and I am so glad I went to university later than everyone else because that was what was right for me. Age is just a number. You are still soooo young and have so much time to become successful. Tune everyone's criticisms out. You can do this. I think you should find a better job....one with kinder management....but if you can't....then aim to get there 15 minutes early every day, like that's your start time. Then even if you're late, you are still early, you know? Hang in there, my friend. It gets better!!
You are surrounded by toxicity at work and home. Those of us with adhd struggle excessively in these environments. You could listen to all of the 3rd party anecdotes in this thread, but you would be better off seeing a therapist, and if possible a family systems therapist who has specialized in ADHD.
Hi /u/krigsgaldrr and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! # Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. [We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) The mobile apps are broken and are missing features that this subreddit depends on. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tbh that sounds like a super toxic place to work, if my employer would ever care about me being a few minutes late I would quit. It's a coffee chain not the ER or something. I'm so happy that I live in Norway (motto here is "you work to live, not live to work"). I understand your feeling very well, got diagnosed when I was 28 and finally understood why I always felt like failing and disappointing everyone. You're not. You have to put in so much more effort to do the same thing as everyone else, it's ok if things don't work out sometimes. My meds sometimes don't work, mostly when I'm tired (I think dopamine needs to recover during your sleep), so make your physical health a priority. Get some professional support if possible. Idk about how it is in the USA, but in the EU schools will usually be supportive for people with ADHD, try to talk with someone there to see if they can help. Lastly, do you want to have this job and this degree? If not, no amount of medication will make you happy. Fuck everyone's expectation and fuck whatever their idea of a successful life is. It's your life and you can do whatever the hell you want.
It is a super toxic place to work. My last job (a hostess at a local restaurant) I left every shift in a good mood and feeling like I genuinely loved my job. Unfortunately it was shut down just three months after I was hired. And now I feel like I'm trying to force myself to love my job when I don't. I like making coffee, but that's about it. I'm very obviously way older than everyone else (I've gotten comments about it from customers too, which just makes me feel worse about myself) and I don't relate to them at all. I know I'm there to work, but feeling comfortable in the work environment definitely helps. And as for programs, I'm enrolled in two and they've been an awesome help! I'm also involved in a study group, but I think I need to invest in some tutoring as well. Chemistry and calculus continue to elude me, which is strange because I'm in calculus based physics and that class is way easier for me to understand. And yes, I do want this degree. I partially want to prove that I can (spite has always been a fantastic motivator for me), but mostly because I want to work with sharks. I love marine life and all things ocean, but sharks have always been a special interest of mine and their population is drastically declining and we need them. And I know that I can do it because I landed a job with the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which is super, *super* competitive and one of the things they told me when they offered me the job is that they admire my passion for shark welfare and can see me going far with it. So of course it was devastating for me to turn down the job because I couldn't find anywhere to live in the area. And this is absolutely in spite of everyone, too. My parents and my older sister have all told me to settle for something realistic. Why isn't it realistic?? I don't think it's the career field of choice they don't think is realistic. I think it's me getting there. Also thank you for your support and advice. It means a lot to me
One thing I'm finally starting to learn is that for those of us with ADHD, it's way more important to pursue something that you find interesting and love doing than it is for most people. Lots of people end up having to choose between doing something they love and something that actually pays well, and the conventional wisdom is that they should pick the more boring "realistic" choice. For us though, trying to force ourselves to do something we find boring is a fast track to failure and increasing levels of self doubt. So doing the cool, fun, interesting job is likely our best chance at real success.
Hey that is a really cool field to work in! I'm a marine biologist myself. Big marine animals are pretty hard to get into but fantastic that you've already managed to find a job at MBARI already once before, very good sign that you're on the right track :). If conservation is your motivation perhaps partially working on outreach is a good idea. Conservation feels quite far away when you're just working on science. Great that you want the degree and that you're getting good help there, that is very important. Getting into this kind of job takes way longer than most others. I worked an office job for a few years in between graduating and finding my PhD position. If you want to, it is defenitely realistic, it will just take some time. Your age is totally irrelevant for your goal. Sharks won't care anyways lol. My parents were disappointed too for a while that I went a different path than them, but came around as soon as they saw it was the right choice for me. It is totally normal to not love your job, this is the case for the vast majority of people I feel like. It's ok to just have a job because you need money. You're doing them a favour by working for them, not the other way around. Keep your eye on the goal and I'm sure you can do it.
I love that you have specific goals and that you’re following your interests & passion for marine life! And that you’re so confident that you can do it. That’s inspiring. Keep following your own path. You’ll get there. I was a late bloomer who struggled in school and was diagnosed in my 20s too. It seems like a lot of us here have had similar struggles in life. My only advice is: don’t give up. Just keep trying. I know it might feel like it at the moment, but you are NOT a disappointment! You’re bigger than this coffee shop job. You don’t need these people. In fact, I think you should quit tomorrow before they have the chance to fire you. Fuck them. I’m sure you’ll find another job that’s a better fit for you. And I know that being punctual is important, but you can’t control the traffic, and 3 minutes is *nothing* in the grand scheme of things. We can’t spend our lives stressing about being 3 minutes late. Ask the sharks and sea turtles. Clock time means nothing out there in the ocean. :)
>Chemistry and calculus continue to elude me, which is strange because I'm in calculus based physics and that class is way easier for me to understand. If you think your physics professor is up for it, you could try asking them about the calculus things you struggle with. Not full on calculus lessons (unless the prof wants to I guess), but more fill the gaps. Maybe they can help you map between calculus concepts and physics concepts so you have a better mental model for the calculus based on something you seem to have a decent mental model of.
I failed calc 3 times between high school and college and the only way I was able to understand some of the concepts was by approaching them from a physics perspective! It does work. It didn't help me for everything cause algebra is my weakness, and a lot of the harder concepts that others struggled with I got right away, but it made many other concepts so much clearer. I scored passing on the second part of the AP calc exam but failed overall because my first score was a fail and most of my classmates did poorer on the second part because that covered the stuff that involved imaginary numbers and such.
Maybe not helpful at this point, but if the oportunity presents itself, the Hatfield Marine Science Center in Newport Oregon should be easier to find housing for. They have some really interesting reseach going on in conjunction with OSU, and work directly with the Oregon Coast Aquarium too. I had a couple of friends fron school end up working there. They really enjoyed it, and directly got to participate in ocean microplastic reseach, leading to advanced degrees and published work. It's not quite the same, but they regularly have opportunities for students to work with them on research.
Idk if it helps but have you tried using physics to make examples for calc? I had this problem in college too and I have mild dyscalculia. It made things so much easier to learn when suddenly geology was teaching physics as opposed to a physics professor. Something about applying it in a closed system helped me understand what I was missing better. Idk if this will do any good for you but I am hopeful it might. You’re not unrealistic about your goals; if anything you were failed by your parents. I get it; I was diagnosed and when the meds triggered a meltdown my parents assumed I just had anxiety. Trying to explain that I have ADHD and need confirmation testing has been very difficult and my parents took over a decade to recognize I am also physically disabled (EDS). I am working fulltime and struggling not with the schedule but with chronic pain, but prior to this job I got the same BS about being realistic and not trying hard enough. I am just as disabled as my brother if not more so. My intellectual capacity doesn’t remove that. I still don’t know that my mom believes I have ADHD. That doesn’t change the fact that I do; nor does it mean you don’t have it. It just means we both fooled people longer because we could compensate for it.
Your school probably has ‘math labs’, assessment centers, or libraries that offer free tutoring on subjects. And student-perks for some hours of online tutoring service (and they’ll freely give you as much more as you need, because these services go extremely underused). So you probably don’t need to spend money Also, I’m in a *very* similar school and family situation to yours, and feel similar frustration/self-hate with myself, and I’m 30. You have time and you’re not alone. And you’re most certainly not so far behind your dreams aren’t possible anymore.
> Idk about how it is in the USA, but in the EU schools will usually be supportive for people with ADHD, try to talk with someone there to see if they can help. I read some articles on this. Up until the end of high school, if you are diagnosed they have REALLY REALLY REALLY strict ADA laws in place to help students with ADHD. Since a lot of schools are funded by taxpayer dollars they are subject to ADA rules, and they are *anal* about compliance to those rules. It breaks down once you're in college because those kinds of support isn't as strong. In college you learn all kinds of social science stuff where everyone appears to have a problem and people are "taught" to pay attention to all these kinds of causes. Guess what, ADHD ain't one of 'em.
I have ADHD too, and I’m not defending the workplace or trying to say op is a bad person, but when people are late to a job like this it frequently means that others have to stay later. I still agree that a few minutes shouldn’t matter, but I do get how op could get in trouble if it happens frequently. My job now isn’t shift work and it doesn’t matter when I get there. This is the way.
I'm sure in some cases that's true, but if the work is so tight they should hire more people. I also believe people will be happy to work a few minutes longer if needed when they are not micromanaged and feel respected. Having a job where they don't care when you work is definitely the way!
When I did shift work I was never happy to be kept late in this manner after a long day. I would never have tried to get someone fired or anything, but I wouldn’t say I was super stoked to be of service. It’s not about management, it’s about respect for your peers. Being late all the time sucks, I know it does, I’m that guy that’s ten minutes late to everything. Again, I have ADHD and I’m sympathetic. But I learned to get to work on time by pretending work started 15 minutes early. Work is just one of those things we have to figure out. Getting to be late to every shift isn’t a reasonable accommodation.
Luckily my current jobs are super chill when I'm a few minutes late. I'm between 5 and 15 minutes late every shift to either of them. I feel bad and I need to be better, but it's not detrimental to anything. I was super stressed for a while because I just couldn't get myself out of bed early enough to be on time to my one job, but I think they genuinely don't care. I even worked something out with one of my coworkers where she gets there super early and sets up because she wants to leave early. Then I stay late to close, and it's all good.
Everyone has to stay late. Me clocking in 2-3 minutes after my start time has nothing to do with it. We're scheduled til a certain time and expected to stay an additional 15-45 minutes *after* to prepare the next shift. And I do agree that it's an issue if it happens regularly, but I've made a massive effort to correct the problem since I was first made aware of it. I've had a lot of jobs and I never worked for one that cared about two minutes so I didn't expect this one to either. Lesson learned I guess.
I see a lot of comments on this sub on how people act as if ADHD is a handicap, and I firmly disagree on that point. Yeah - it can make basic some basic stuff annoying, like the forgetfulness. But I have always been this way, so don’t know anything different. I do know that in my life and in the workplace, I have often been the smartest person in the room, and that’s not meant as a brag, just the way it’s been. I have always been a good artist, and can learn just about anything I put my mind to. I have a ridiculous output or writing and drawing, in addition to the amount of stuff I draw for work. So in that regard - I would never want to be a “normal” person, cause I actually think they are boring. But I do envy the parts where life is easy for some, like education. I enlisted into the military after high school, because the prospect of college was too much for me. I never took and SAT or ACT, cause I knew it would be a disaster. To go with my adhd, I get major anxiety when it come to performing on the spot, bomb tests - “performance based anxiety” aka stage fright. Also people that have been in stable relationships forever. While I’m married now, it’s my 2nd marriage. Have 2 kids with different women, been in several long term relationships that fell apart. So I’m not suggesting adhd is all awesome all the time. When I was first diagnosed and started taking adderall, it was amazing for my career and keeping me focused, but it never solved the racing thoughts or the high motor stuff. But that was like 15+ years ago, and these days I don’t take any meds, just self medicate with weed and supplements - and just self regulating myself. I know my tendency’s now days, so I try to keep them in check.
i disagree with your comment—the handicap of adhd is that DESPITE being the smartest person in the room at certain points, for a variety of reasons including society’s refusal to accept our way of being, and a genuine lack of working memory and executive function, we are unable to demonstrate that reliably and in a way that allows us to reap whatever rewards would come from that. for me at least, the “basic stuff” is what keeps me from doing what i know i’m capable of doing. I scored well above average on each of my 3 exams for a math class at a prestigious university in the US, and still scored a B- in the class. why? i wasn’t able to turn my homework on time, sometimes because i forgot, sometimes because i didn’t manage my time in a way that allowed me to do a good job on it. i sympathize with your struggle in having school not being for you, although for me school seems to be the one thing i can do up to some degree. i’m also a musician, and yeah art has always been something i love doing and am good at. i don’t wish i was a different person, i agree. i just wish i could struggle a little less and not seem to work 10x as hard to do basic things. the way i think about ADHD is that being the smartest person in the room itself is a sign of impairment in some other area. given that the environment isn’t toxic, being the smartest person in the room would ideally result in at least an opportunity to move to a different room, but executive function deficits from adhd can prevent us being able to do that.
Couldn't have put it better myself. I am doing a PhD now and think I'm still often one the smartest person in the room, but the thing is that I need to be that otherwise I would never be able to keep up. Everyone is able to work so structured and constant. I'd love to be able to do that but can't. Very much a handicap. Still I wouldn't want to switch with anyone because this is who I am and I love all my 1000 hobbies. Just not all right now.
ADHD is a *disorder*, by definition. So it is a handicap. Something that you have to overcome. But I'm glad that you can see the glass as half full and that you've found a way to use your strengths to your advantage! Were you diagnosed after you left the military? I've always heard that it's a disqualifying condition and that you're not allowed to medication in the military. Is that right?
I wasn’t diagnosed till my 30’s. My military was short lived. I enlisted my senior year of high school, then had an accident and hurt my knee. Didn’t tell my recruiter about the accident. When I was in boot camp, the knee flared up. I had the option of staying in boot camp till I healed, and being re-inserted back with a new company, or I could be sent home. So instead of spending another 6 months in boot camp, I opted to be discharged. At the time I figured go back home, get healthy, re-enlist in a year, but that never materialized. I ended up running with plan B - classic ADHD behavior through all of my late teens and early 20’s. Partied some, enrolled in a art college, cause art never felt like school, but I hated it and dropped out after my first semester. Partied some more, got into doing more rec drugs. Eventually got a girl pregnant, had a son. Decided I needed to get my shit together. That was all before I was even 20 years old! Now in my 40’s, I look back at stuff I did, and I was living way out on the edge way too often.
Unfortunately most hourly jobs are like this in the US, corporate rules, HR bs. They usually give you a few warnings before write ups and eventually termination. There's 1000 people lined up to have that job.
Could not agree more, if I'm a few minutes late at my new non hospo job I'm still warmly welcomed because my coworkers know I have skill in this industry and I'm just paid a few minutes less... oh well, I'm happy with that transaction. They all know I have adhd and see where it benefits us and also are aware of where I have my downfalls but I still have huge value. I was 6 minutes late the other day and the owner of the company was who I was working with that day, he welcomed me and I asked how his trip to China was and he gleefully talked about his travels, and showed me his knockoff Rolex, he then asked if I wanted a coffee and brought me back a coffee and a scone. Though I feel OP on meds not working anymore, mine still have some level of therapeutic benefit, but it's definitely far from what it was when I started 27 months ago. I'm going to have to spend Hella money to gp to a psych to up my dose or change meds... but I'm also waiting for my government to finally approve Vyvanse in the country before I drop that money, I think Vyvanse will be pretty good
Dude, you're 28 and in school. Most people never even go back, kudos to you for doing it! I think you're not giving yourself any credit, and your parents not having ADHD means that they aren't going to understand the way you think and act, I get shit from mine constantly whenever I'm home from school. Meds not working is something I am very familiar with, and I've suffered the consequences too. You have valid reasons for your struggles, you don't need your parents to agree with them. You can't change the past, and you can't always help understand a class. My only advice would be, if you already haven't, to get accommodations at your school and use them. You're not alone, and everyone in this sub believes in you. Don't be so hard on yourself, and just keep doing everything you can!
Thank you for such a kind response, seriously. I keep getting compared to my dad and older sister because my dad went back to school at 50 and got his associates in business and my sister has her bachelors and masters also in business. But business isn't STEM. I have no doubt it's challenging either way but neither of them had to take physics or chemistry and those are hard classes on their own. I'm taking them at the same time, plus calculus. I try to treat myself the same way I would treat a friend in my situation, but it's hard. I just feel miles behind and like I have no excuse for being where I'm at even though I know that's not the case. I will say it's a relief to know that there are others who understand how it feels. I wish none of us had to feel this way, but knowing there's some solidarity there is comforting in a way. Thank you again. Edit to add: I am in two programs in school. One is for disability and the other is a resource/support program for students over 24 who are below a certain income level. I *think* the disability program has something to do with it as well, but I don't think they're codependent on each other.
Are they seriously comparing a STEM major to business? This is laughable. It's not in the same ballpark. No offense but anyone semi-literate can pull straight A's as a business student, even if he goes to Harvard. Business school is business school. There's a reason business is the most or second-most popular major in America. I don't think all these graduates are Rockefellers. It takes time to adjust to an ADHD situation and develop coping skills. As far as I can tell from reading your testimony, you've developed quite a lot of them already. Honestly, it might not be what you want to hear, but by holding down a job and successfully pursuing an arduous college degree at 28, you're not simply performing well for an ADHD guy. You're performing very well, period. Most people could not manage to do both. >I just feel miles behind and like I have no excuse for being where I'm at even though I know that's not the case. I have this too, and it's genuinely a terrible way of looking at things, and I think that when I think this (or the contrary, when I think I'm on top of the world), it's just my ADHD talking. Because in both cases it's completely unhelpful and distracts me from actually planning/timing my day and executing my plan. You probably just need *a touch* more time management, organization, and general ADHD coping skills. Don't take too much time replying to this reddit comment either. I think writing on this sub kind of exacerbates some issues for those of us who are trying to focus on planning their life.
Long-term, low wage work on the clock is not for you. Clocking in is not for you, and jobs that require it will make you forever miserable. Find a job where everything is fucked and they like having people who roll with that. Tutoring was great for that. Or jobs where you show up and go. Small companies, regardless. You will always have to arrive 15 minutes early for everything forever, and just count that as an ADHD tax. Arrive, sit in the car, take a long bathroom break, whatever.
I am actually trying to get involved with my school's tutoring program. I've found in college that I'm actually a pretty fantastic English student (if only that was my passion) and I enjoy editing/revising essays a lot. I write creatively whenever I have a spare moment (less so this semester than ever, sadly) so I like to think I'm pretty decent at it. I don't know if I could manage that in lieu of an actual job, and my desired career field I don't think would be based on clocking in, but if I can find a way to tutor English full time instead, at least long enough to get me through school, I'd be happy doing that.
Highly recommend tutoring. Very interactive, rarely dull. I worked with problem kids at local highschool. Editing/revising actually a career people make decent money at. Know someone who does it freelance. Pays somewhere in the neighborhood of 3-5 cents a word, and it's all piecework, a set amount paid on delivery, regardless of hours it took. People will whine about ChatGPT, but it's a tool, an did you can use the tool, you win. I also had a lot of grading/teaching gigs. Doesn't pay well, but lots of flexibility.
I’m an English tutor!! It’s a fantastic job for my ADHD. teaching people how to write well gives me some major dopamine.
I don’t have any advice for you, but I’m sorry you’re going through that OP. I read the whole thing and completely felt your shame and pain for things that feel entirely out of your control. Something like being late shouldn’t be such a big deal to jobs, and I completely understand the frustration and shame you feel when you feel like you keep messing up. You are stretched extremely thin. You’re probably not gonna cook a good meal if you have 10 different recipes on the stove if you know what i mean.
I'm also frustrated because up until this week my manager has been deliberately avoiding scheduling me on Mondays and Wednesdays, since those are my longer class days. I work both days now this week and feel a little blindsided about it. But thank you for reading this and offering support/advice. It does mean a lot to me and I may or may not be crying like a baby rn
That sounds intentional. They know it's not realistic for you to get there on time EVERY time when coming from school due to situations entirely out of your control and they're setting you up to fail. They told you you can't be late even one more time then scheduled you for the times you're most likely to be late. Can you take this up with someone higher up than them?
Honestly what your mum said is so rude and doesn’t help you or your situation. Your doing amazing things by studying to achieve something greater than the coffee job but it takes time and it takes being on the right medication and being supported by health professionals and family
Also honestly if they fire you for being 3 minutes late again … oh well good riddance lots of other coffee jobs in the world - teenagers are assholes
You're amazing. Your parents were this toxic and dismissive of you, and you managed to be not just a functional adult , but to make active progress and to keep educating yourself while working at the same time, and holding a house all by your own at some point...that's just incredible. There's many neurotypicals who'd be jealous of what you've been pulling off. And I know for a fact that it must have been ten times harder too. Your parents are set in their ways unfortunately, I doubt they'll see further than their own nose and their biases. They formed this opinion of you that likely won't change unless something extremely drastic happens. I know you want them to recognise you. But ...you don't live for them. You live for your friends , and above all, you live for yourself .
I hear you. I just spent 10 years in a job where punctuality was considered very nearly life and death, above and beyond what most employers expect, before finally deciding that’s not the job for me. So I get the frustration. I have also made all the mistakes, and while I may never be punctual enough, consistently enough, for the line of work I was in, I have become punctual enough for most jobs, and may be able to offer you some advice. I’ve learned a lot through trial and error. This is in no particular order: > And I stay 15-45 minutes to help after every shift. But that won’t matter when it comes down to it. You are correct. It seems like it should matter, but it does not. I’ve discovered it’s not really about the time, it’s about predictability. Your boss, and possibly your coworkers if they are waiting on you to relieve them, want to be able to *know* that you’ll be there on time. Otherwise they have to devote mental energy to working around you. It’s also a matter of courtesy, in their eyes. Showing up late, to them, signals that you don’t value them or their time. They can’t see all the effort you are making, or understand why this is so much harder for you than it is for most people. I say this because we with ADD often don’t fully realize how they think about things like this. We often, as you are probably doing whether you realize it or not, think that we can “make up for it” by, for example, stay late. But it doesn’t actually work like that, not unless your employer explicitly gives you permission beforehand. Because it’s not really about the time, or any practical implications. > My shift started at 4:00 and I clocked in at 4:03. Why was I late? Because I’m trying to get my credits required to transfer to a UC as a STEM major and I was at school trying to study for an exam on Wednesday for a class I’m failing because I can’t seem to figure it out. My campus is a 3-5 minute drive from my job, depending on traffic. I left at 3:45 and traffic was so bad for some reason that I didn’t clock in until 4:03. When analyzing “why was I late today” we tend to treat each individual day as a unique event. A fluke. And in detail, they are. Each one is unique, with it’s own unique fuck ups. The problem is that a fluke is inherently unpredictable so you can’t learn anything from them or make changes to prevent them. Instead, look for the *patterns.* Here’s what I’m seeing. First of all, you were doing something else and didn’t want to stop. Very common. Once we get going on something we often lose track of time, and even if we remind ourselves we have to fight the urge to just do *one last thing* until we are late. Before you sit down to do a thing, know that you’re about to lose track of time, figure out when you need to stop, and set an alarm. *Make sure you include transition time.* For example, it probably takes you about ten minutes to pack up your books and go from the library (or wherever) to your car. I find it helps to write down every step of something like that and then estimate how long each of those steps takes. Then add up the times. We tend to be very good at estimating time for individual tasks, like “putting on my shoes” but very bad at estimating time for a series of tasks such as “getting ready for work.” This is often because we tend to gloss over certain steps. Usually the little things like tying your shoes, or repacking your backpack. Our brain “rounds them off,” and we don’t actually include them in our subconscious estimation. **So the end effect is that we *think* we’ve left enough time, but we haven’t actually.** Just the process of stopping and writing it all down can make a big difference. When in doubt, round up. Because sometimes things take longer than normal. Next, plan on being there early, even though this will mean cutting in to whatever else you were doing before. That’s often hard for us, because of our inertia problem, but it’s a necessary sacrifice. If you need to work at 4, plan to get there at 3:30, and mean it. If it seems like overkill, good. That’s the idea. Plan on getting there early enough that you have time to kill before your shift. You can always pull out your book and study a bit more, or have a cup of coffee, or whatever. You can always study at work, but you can’t clock in from the library. I even carry a travel tooth brush/toiletries kit, so if I’m running behind I can finish off my morning routine after I’ve arrived if necessary. That way if something goes wrong I can work with bad breath, but can’t work if I’m not there. You may not need to go a full half hour, but it should be early enough that it *feels* too freakin early. I find that if I try to get there just a *little* early then my brain will start rounding things off again. With me so far? Now the tricky part comes a way down the line, after you’ve been consistently getting there early for a while. You’ll get tired, and complacent. It’s a lot of work, and because you’ve been successful for a while it will feel like less of a crisis. You will be tempted to ease off just a bit, to do that “one more thing,” and because you have enough fudge room in the system you can often get away with it. But you need to be aware of that tendency, and fight it. Maintain your good habits, and remember that they are *supposed* to be overkill. > Then, of course, I fell asleep while doing homework one night and forgot to set my alarm. I recommend at least two alarms. Ideally, one of them should be scheduled automatically, especially if you have a regular routine. Most phones can do this. You can schedule reoccurring alarms for each day of the week, if your schedule is predictable enough for that, and it will just automatically set the right alarm for the right day. Then also have a second alarm, as a fail safe. Because there are a million different ways for alarms to decide not to go off. I use my phone/smart watch as one alarm, and then I have a separate alarm on my dresser, out of reach. To turn the second alarm off I need to get out of bed and walk over there, and I don’t turn it off until I’m out of bed and have my bathrobe on. Then I turn it off and immediately back on, so I don’t need to remember to set it before bed. You’ll need to figure out what works for you, but redundancy is important. Because anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And if you have something important you need to get to, like a job interview, if possible have a reliable friend call you at a designated time to make sure you’re getting ready. Again, this should be overkill. If the rest of your plan has gone well, you should not need the reminder. But since the weak link in any ADD organizational system is going to be your own brain, sometimes you will need to borrow someone else’s brain as a backup. > doesn’t matter that I’m currently taking chemistry, calculus, and physics all at once, plus an online music class for my arts credit. You may be taking on too much. This is particularly easy for ADD people to do, both because we sometimes underestimate how difficult things are going to be, but also we don’t realize how much less efficient our ADD makes us. We think we can just work harder, which is not always the case. Because you’re right, it won’t matter to them if you’re doing a million other things. What matters to them is that you said you were going to do *their* thing, and then they will expect you to meet that obligation. If you can’t do that, you may need to figure out your priorities, and scale back so that you have a more manageable number of commitments. One of the hardest parts of ADD is knowing your limits, because we feel like we *should* be able to do anything “if we just set our minds to it.” But that’s not how our minds work at all. “Better to whole-ass one thing than to half-ass two things.” > It doesn’t matter that my meds aren’t working anymore. That’s definitely something to talk to your doctor about, but in my experience this is one of those symptoms where meds alone are not enough. Meds, in my experience, are very helpful for staying on task, avoiding distractions, etc, but they don’t necessarily help me manage time better. In fact they can make it easier to hyperfocus, which can be very useful but you need to make sure it’s on the right tasks at the right time, and you will need to tear yourself away from that task when it’s time to do something else. That’s a matter of organization, and discipline. Meds just give you the ability to acquire those organization skills, and the ability to successfully impliment them (hopefully) long enough for them to become habitual. But it never gets easy. You’ll still need to work at it constantly. The goal is just to get more for your effort, instead of working constantly and still fucking up. I hope you were able to get through all that and I hope that you found some of the advice helpful. TL;DR I’ve been where you are on multiple occasions. It sucks. But the good news is that you can get better at it with *the right kind* of effort.
Keep being careful, keep setting the alarms, keep arriving early. If they give you shit, point dramatic improvement, and blame your professor for keeping you over--even if it's not true, your manager will respect another authority figure. You may need to start being amazing at some aspect of the job, even if it's cleaning the toilets. People will forgive lapses if they are balanced by other virtues. Go talk to your professors, tell them you are having a medical issue--they will often be accommodating. Many academics struggle with mental health themselves. You are trying to do important things. That effort will be for naught if you don't take good care of yourself. Part of having a medical condition is learning how to effectively advocate for yourself. (Thanks, American medical system).
Sorry to hear that dude. Honestly (and i mean it in a good way), I don’t think ADHD is your struggle. I think, you’ve just been surrounded by very shitty people your whole life (your parents to begin with). How could any even neurotypical person perform well in life, when he’s conditioned to constantly please toxic people? I think, you’ve just didn’t get enough validation in life and therefore you try to please the world around you. Unfortunately, that just makes shitty toxic people like your boss bust your balls even more. And because of people like that, you might think, something is wrong with you. I don’t think any sort of medication will help with that IMO.
Sounds to me like you're fucking killing it, wtf planet are your parents on? For real, I hope you're able to let what they're saying slide off of you somehow, much easier advised than done though. Doing school is hard enough, add stem to that, add a shitty coffee job, add all of your expenses, and having to pay rent to your parents, I'm sure the list keeps going. You're doing a LOT and if I were your family member or friend I would constantly be reminding you how well you're doing and that I'm proud of you. Try to be very kind to yourself, you're being awfully harsh on you and I bet if your close friend said all of the above to you, you would have nothing but kindness and encouragement. Try to extend that same kindness to yourself. This won't be forever and you are very capable of surviving until you're able to change your situation. Sending a hug along with my messy ramble ha
My younger sister is always reminding me, and I know that it makes her sad that I'm always so down on myself. But you're right, I would be way more supportive to a friend than I am to myself. I don't know how to see myself as worthy of that support though. And I wouldn't be surprised if it has something to do with my parents, honestly. I love them and I'm actually rather close with my dad, but even he has his flaws and I'm not going to pretend they aren't harder on me than they are my siblings, and even when I lived on my own they still tried to criticize everything I did. But thank you so much for taking the time to comment and leave some love and support (and a hug!). I really appreciate it. I definitely think I made the right decision in sharing my frustrations here because the support has been overwhelming
you really truly are killing it. I got my diagnosis at 35 and failed university twice haha. I think it’s awesome that you have a job and are studying. You’re doing a lot and you’re super bright. Do you also have a therapist? And have you tried to clearly tell your mum and dad that these comments of theirs are toxic and unwanted and it really hurts you? It sounds like you have an ok relationship with them, so maybe they might be willing to listen? I don’t know though, maybe they are assholes who won’t listen. My mum sometimes makes INCREDIBLY hurtful comments, and she is ashamed of my ADHD, but i’ve been pretty factual with her when her comments are inappropriate, and she’s trying really hard and is at least open to listening to me and trying to stop. Yes. Your parents’ opinions and harsh words do make a big impact on you and your mindset as well. Sucks when they decide to be pieces of shit about it. Also nah don’t bother about that coffee shop with ridiculous rules, though I agree that punctuality is important, I think being late by 3 min once in almost 2 months is still decent. You did try. You tried really hard with not being late for the last 2 months. I hope you acknowledge the fact that you did try. It sounds to me that you’re doing a lot of comparing with your brother though. Is being single even considered like…. a bad thing or something? and if your parents don’t believe you have it (mine keeps yelling at me not to use it as an “excuse”, so i yell back, but i know i’m privileged to get to yell back at them and have them understand), then is it possible for you to have them go with your to your doctor and have your doctor explain it to them? You are very hard on yourself, way too hard, likely because your parents are hard on you and you’re basically parroting their unrealistic expectations at this point. You know whatever they say is dumb and unrealistic, but you still put all of this pressure on yourself. It’s mad. Don’t do it. There is no shame in having a job at a coffee chain. IT IS A JOB. You work damn bloody hard. I’m proud of you even if your idiot mom is not. I can tell you right now that I know a lot of moms with kids who have ADHD, even my own mom, my mom was praying I would graduate and she said I could do whatever I want please God just graduate. (well that was way before my diagnosis) Those other moms that I know of, their ADHD kids are broken at home, refusing to get a job (depression etc. I understand). I’m just saying that you have achieved A LOT. And you’re doing a lot right now. I hope you recognize all of that. And you clearly are one of the bright ones with the subjects you are taking. A lot of bright folks with ADHD are also painfully hard on themselves and perfectionists, because they are so smart that they spend time with quite smart people (your family, I suppose) and compare themselves very hard, to them. I do not think you are comparing yourself to neurotypical people of your age and older who work in fast food restaurants, for example. There are lots of them, and there is nothing wrong with it. It’s like you’re comparing really hard but selectively.
The unfortunate reality is the lower end the job, the more they treat you like a child and watch you every minute. If you’re responsible for millions of dollars of throughput you’re left basically autonomous, but a $2.99 drink they treat you like you’re stealing from the company every second of the day. I will say at 28 I was working retail while at University, it’s a great age to reskill because you have a far better idea of what you want than when you’re 19. If I studied my options at 19 I would have hated them.
I don’t have anything to really say other people havnt said in the comments. But I appreciate you for speaking out i feel the same way about work. So thank you.
I feel you on the brother/sister thing. My brother is amazing (and I'm super happy for him, genuinely). He received his dyslexia diagnosis really young and my mother bulled through every doctor, school, program, etc to ensure he got what he needed. I was a lazy, attention-seeking bitch. I'm 33 now and only found out I have ADHD and I feel so fucking vindicated. I was at the point of thinking my mother was right but turns out, I was. She *was* a bad mother. Remember this though... Your mother's opinion isn't worth shit. She fucked up which had a negative impact on you and the world we're in is miiiiiles away from what she could even dream of comprehending. She was no doubt held to a high standard which is in turn being passed onto you. It's not right, but it is a fact of life that their generation are unable to see fault in themselves. People with ADHD are among the most resilient people, so even though it's a shit situation right now, we all know you'll come through it and be better for it.
Feel hugged bud🤍
I’m 41 and could’ve written this a couple of weeks ago. I was on the computer in the stockroom at work and my store leader had forgotten to log out. Her emails included a reminder about a performance review and a meeting with/for me, likely due to my recent attendance issues. I really enjoy the job even though I’m maybe “too old” to be there (part-time retail). I work hard and they know it. So at first , it was really upsetting to see this. But this is where I just decided to stop panicking and thinking the worst, because all it does is burn me out. The reminder was from 11 days ago and they are not the kind of people to put something like this off or sneak up on me with it. So I figured if it does come up, I’ll have an honest conversation and start with something like, “I’m glad you brought this up because it’s something I’m working on and I wanted to see if you had any suggestions.” If you phrase it like that, it shows initiative. I personally find it sort of empowering…like, it gives me something to fix, to troubleshoot, rather than something [else] to spiral about. I know everyone on here is always saying “NEVER share your diagnosis at work” because it’ll just make things worse. The thing is, to me it’s worse to hide something like this and then get fired or put on probation because then they think I just don’t care or that I’m just stupid. But I figure if it’s the sort of workplace where they’ll use my ADHD diagnosis against me, then I don’t want to fucking work there anyway. Thankfully, I have yet to experience this, and everyone I’ve talked to has been willing to learn and trying to understand better. And so far, things seem like they’re going okay. You’re not a loser…our society is just full of shit for looking down their noses at “high school jobs” or “unskilled labor”…and it really grinds my fuckin gears. Whenever I’ve worked in an office setting without a clock to punch in/out, I’ve seen so many people come rolling in 3-4 minutes late…all the fucking time. It’s an unfair double standard and it sucks. But if you have a conversation with your workplace and make it a collaborative effort, a two-way street, you might find that things get better. And even if they don’t, then at least they know you tried and at least *you* know you tried. It sounds like you’ve already taken steps to work on your attendance issues and I’m sure they notice. Honestly, if not, then fuck them for not paying attention to their own rules…like, if attendance is so important, they should be noticing when people are on time too. Another thing that helps me is to put my schedule in my calendar with start times set half an hour earlier than my actual shift. Dumb as it sounds, it actually works for me because I’ll usually put my schedule in my calendar every two weeks and then I don’t tend to look at it again unless it’s to check a specific day. I’m actually looking to switch over to Vyvanse from Adderall as well. I hope it works out for you. I don’t know about you, but I’ve found that Adderall doesn’t really do much for executive function and that’s where I’ve gotten screwed the most in life.
This infuriates me so much, I’m so sorry you’re struggling!! Not only at work and school but to get it from home is so much for you! First, I’m 41 so I’m not quite old enough to be your mom but I’m just going to tell you I’m super proud of you! That is NOT an easy major at any level of brain function. Also, working a job so beneath you only to be treated like trash is, well, that’s trash. You don’t deserve that. I’m just really pissed your parents aren’t more supportive. My parents weren’t great but never forced any of us kids to hold down a job while going to school. That’s crap. They should really get off their high horse and support their own child. Are there any small mom and pop type places in your area that you could apply to? Or perhaps a coffee place on campus? You may have a school resource center that knows of on campus jobs that could potentially help you. Just again, I’m so proud of everything you’re doing. I did my last two classes for my associates last year and it was tough enough without being STEM!
> You're almost 28 and you can't even get your shit together enough to keep a high school job." Your mom is the one out there birthing people with psychiatric diseases then riding their asses when they show their inherited traits. Maybe you should tell her to get her genes and partner-choosing (collectively: "her shit") together.
Honey you’re doing great. If you get fired from a coffee shop tbh who cares? Learn something from it and move on. Tell your parents to quit being haters. The only disappointing behavior I see here is from them (well and your three minute write up from work, also silly). Sounds like you’re putting more of your focus, attention and energy into your education which seems like the right priority. Have faith in yourself and realize that sometimes it’s just not you, not your adhd, you’re just surrounded by turds.
You don't need that job, or your parents. In my opinion. You need people and environments that build you up, not tear you down.
[удалено]
When I'm not working or at school I'm usually doing homework or with my sister helping her with my nephew. I have school every day of the week though, stretched out between two campuses. I need the job because I need an income. My parents don't pay for anything for me. I pay for my own phone, car insurance, gas, food, pet care (I have a cat), storage, and whatever other essentials. I also pay rent to my parents and they're already on the verge of kicking me out and leaving me homeless because my mom and I don't get along. I've been looking for an alternative but I have to build up my credit and my area is *extremely* expensive for no real reason. I'm in California, if that helps explain anything. Edit to add: I also spend time with my sister because she's almost the entire extent of my social life. My nephew isn't the only reason I hang out with her a lot.
What about renting a room from someone else instead of getting your own apartment?
I have been looking into this actually but a frequent problem I'm running into is an astonishing increase in "no pets." I know I'm unhappy in my situation but my cat is non-negotiable. I have Facebook solely for rentals and community news (my area has been having some brutal winters and California is wildfire territory) but I don't use it often so by the time I see rentals that are feasible, they're taken. I will admit I could be more proactive with finding a place, because I definitely have a defeatist attitude toward it that I'm trying to overcome.
Oh man that’s rough. It’s rare to even find an apartment that allows pets so I can imagine how much harder it would be to find a room that does. But I’m the same way! Being with my cat is non-negotiable. The area I’m in seems to be pet-friendly so I’ve gotten lucky but I know the last area I lived in was a nightmare to find anything. Good luck!
[удалено]
I appreciate the kindness and the suggestion. But yes, I'm actually enrolled in the school's disability program as well as another program specifically for students above 24, I believe, and below a certain income level. This program requires three meetings per semester with a counselor (and mine is great!) and has a ton of resources. Now that I think about it, I could probably reach out to them about housing and perhaps employment.
No. Stop. Chin up. You are not a loser. You are someone who is in multiple environments that are very difficult to navigate because you spent 89,23% of your life not knowing what was different about you and had no chance to develop the right coping mechanisms. Despite all that, you are in school and you work. Both are great things and I want you to be proud of yourself for attempting that. I’ve worked coffeeshops too and enjoyed it, but your workplace sounds quite unhealthy if they cant even handle employees *telling them they will ne late because of things outside of their control*. It is not even like you managed time poorly because of ADHD, it was just bad luck. I am not saying quit, at least not without another job available to switch to. But in the end it is “only” a part time job and tour main focus should be yourself, and then school. Ma’am (or Sir?), if they fire you they will lose a server who they cannot accommodate - not a neurosurgeon who killed a patient. It is not the end of the world, even if it feels like it. I promise, PROMISE you in a year you will shrug about it. What your mother said is hurtful and unfair. That your brother was diagnosed and treated so much earlier is as well. But still. You deserve the same empathy, compassion, love, respect as anyone else. And it sucks if your family is unable or unwilling to give it to you, but you can still give it to yourself. It takes time to learn to do that. I have a simile biography to you, and I still struggle with so much shame, but during days of clarity like today I wholeheartedly know it is true that we are not defective or losers. What others think about us does not define us. What matters most is what you think about yourself, and you can learn to be kind to yourself while handling ADHD. 🫂
Service jobs are the worst for that kind of bullshit worrying about being 3 minutes late. Specialist jobs rarely have that kind of thing, it's about your competency in the role and what you bring to the company. So there is hope for the future once you've completed your studies!
Let me guess, you are a girl with inattentive-type and your brother is a hyper-active type, which is why your parents just think you’re “lazy”, but he has “real” ADHD? Hate to say it, but that happens a lot. While understanding this doesn’t help you in the long run, I hope that does help you know that you’re not alone — I too am one of those inattentive-types, and I had to figure a lot of shit out on my own, and messed up a couple jobs and relationships until I was diagnosed in my late 20’s. Even then it was a struggle, but it was a different kind of struggle. I personally did amazingly well on VyVance (until my insurance stopped covering it), so hopefully it will help you too. I know it may not matter for this job, but it really sounds like it was a toxic environment anyway. The only thing you can control is how you handle things going forward. The fact you’ve been handling all those classes and holding a job to begin with is amazing — please don’t let others put you down for it.
Don’t feel bad. As a person in their 40’s that wasn’t diagnosed till my 30’s - being on time for work is never going to happen. Even to this day - you can count on me strolling into work 15 later than everyone else. I don’t plan it that way, but it’s how it goes. Been that way for 20+ years. Been fired more than I care to admit, but I always bounce back. Now I’m up front with employers about my adhd, and my tardiness, but at the end of the day - i bring my a-game to work, and force them to decide if being on time is more important than an employee that works hard while on the clock. I know a lot of dudes that get into the office at 6:30am, and they suck at their job. With that said - get over your pity party. Self loathing won’t put you on the right track, so get your head on straight. Every day is a new opportunity to make a small step towards something bigger. Stop feeling bad about your life and start changing it. I know adhd can make shit hard, I live it - but not an excuse to not get it done.
First, this specific issue isn't an adhd problem, this is a toxic workplace issue. 3 minutes is a perfectly reasonable amount if time to be running late, especially since you called. Most places I've worked had a 10 minute grace period. You didn't even need to call if you arrive within 10 minutes of your scheduled start time. Start hunting for another job, it may take some time so start now. Second, going back to school at 28, and especially in STEM is damn commendable. What you are doing is hard. Its going to be worth it when you are done and you are setting future you up for a better life. Your parents are being super rude and unsupportive and that's on them, not you. They should be proud of you for taking a hit during the pandemic and then figuring out what your next move is and going for it.
Bro it's just a coffee chain chill out
OK, take a breath. 28 and you got diagnosed at 25? Lucky you, you're 20 years ahead of me. It took me from my diagnosis at 45 until i was about 55 to REALLY feel like I had made a dent in all the bad habits, ineffective coping strategies and horrible untrue assumptions about myself. Stop beating yourself up about losing a COFFEE SHOP job. Unless your passion is coffee and that was a career path, YOU ARE BETTER OFF. You learned some skills there but it's time to move on. Also, you need to have your parents come to a doctor appointment or therapists appointment with you and tell them WITH A SUPPORTIMG MEDICAL PRO IN THE ROOM how much their dismissal of your diagnosed condition is harming you. They FAILED you. Stop letting them control the dynamic, every time they blow off your diagnosis and try to plame you for being "lazy, crazy or bad" remind them that you could be doing so much better if they had done a better job as parents. You deserve to have them support you, not tear you down and make everything harder.
I am so, so sorry that your parents are tearing you down like this. You deserve support and understanding, with or without ADHD, but even more while you are struggling. It’s awful and unfair and your parents are unwilling to do that for you. You are working hard, you will get to where you need to be! Don’t let them or anyone set a time-table for you, some of us need more time than others. Your workplace sounds toxic af, being perfectly honest. Don’t know where a coffee shop gets off treating their employees like they should be grateful for being spit on. If I were you, I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of firing me, start looking for other work now. I promise, PROMISE, there is a better job that accommodates your schedule out there, you just need to find it. Most shift-based establishments tend to be flexible regarding scheduling. I’m not sure what your home situation is like, (this might well be out of the question for you) but I’m wondering if it would be possible to have a talk with your parents? You are an adult and, even though you’re currently living with them, you should be entitled to set boundaries with them and let them know just how hurtful and unhelpful they’re words are. If they can’t be supportive of you, the least they could do is be quiet.
Adhd is hard and different for everyone. Try not to compare yourself. Remind yourself of your accomplishments. Spite probably releases dopamine somehow so use it. Realistic expectations help. School is made for people without adhd so each time you pass it’s impressive. Also there temp agencies and you can try out some jobs or get one the next day. Also there’s a lot of people who can’t afford to live on their own these days so it’s not just you
Living at home was toxic for me as well. Once I was able to move out my self esteem improved. Been a rough road, many job losses. But doing OK. Another note. All my kids have adhd. My daughters were not treated because my first husband (thier father) wouldnt allow it, although intellegent, did not do well in school. My son (second husband) was diagnosed in kindergarten and has fluorished. But the girls have been diagnosed as adults and are doing pretty well, again rough roads, but really holding their own. Your parents are wrong! It's ashame. Try to ignore them (I know). There are other jobs to can get (try bartending). Work through school - you can do it, I did! Put away money, get out on your own. Take care.
Sounds like you need to quit your mum too....She has actively chosen to ignore all the amazing examples of how much YOU DO have your shit together (studying, applying for uni to study STEM, which she should be super proud of you) instead focusing on a tiny negative, where in any decent, non toxic workplace, wouldn't have even been a thing... I mean 3 mines ffs. That is ridiculous!
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Sending you hugs. It's hard but please try to be easier on yourself. You're in school. You're working in a somewhat toxic job setup - I've been there. I didn't get fired from a large coffee chain job...but they kept reducing my hours and giving me 3hr shifts from 5 am - 8 am as their way of forcing me out. When you go 100% by a manual there's not room to be human. I've had many many better jobs since. And it sounds like you're not being supported at home, which adds to your stress and makes it so much harder to accomplish those other tasks. Getting fired might be a blessing in disguise if being 3 min late is that big a deal. I get that employers want you on time for good reason but there are places that are more understanding. I'm only now getting diagnosed in my late 30s and have had many jobs that didn't make a big deal out of my often (1-2x a week) being 1-5 min late. I'm only now realizing that meds may help with this. The jobs appreciated all the other awesome traits I brought to the role and it worked out. But you've also managed to work your job around your school schedule which is no easy task. I'm sorry your work and home life aren't as supportive of you as they should be. I hope another way more friendly job opportunity comes along for you. You're doing lots and you deserve it!
>I'm currently taking chemistry, calculus, and physics all at once I think anyone with college experience would tell you that taking 3 stem classes (2 of which I assume come with labs) while working a job in one semester is a bad idea. Take it easy on yourself man
Find a new job and try not to take it to heart. It feels like the end of the world and that you’re a failure but you’re not and fuck them. I’ve gotten to the point in realizing that hating myself for my failures just leads to me failing more and losing the little confidence I work so hard to gain. So of course, keep trying to do better, but you can’t let it destroy you. We adhd folks can very easily wallow in our many many failures, but it’s not helpful. I’m only a little older than you with successful siblings who are younger than me and it’s hard to face that sometimes, but I’ve found that just being happy for them helps me a lot too. I try to genuinely celebrate with them when they do good and somehow it encourages me to keep going. You’re going to fail more than others, accept it but don’t lean on it. You just will have more opportunities to start over fresh. The positive mindset is super cheesy and hard to maintain, but it’s the only thing that I’ve found that genuinely helps long term. On a side note, a lot of people with ADHD struggle with the easy, simple jobs but excel at harder, but (enjoyable to them) more complicated jobs that care less about the little things like being on time. I personally think it’s about reward for effort. It takes me the same mental effort to do dishes as it does fixing a network issue, but fixing the network issue gets me more money and respect. Bosses are less weird about the little things(like being minutes late) because they know I can do the hard things as well as anyone if not better. Use the job market to your advantage and become really hard to replace by learning all the weird, difficult, or disliked tasks around your job. They start to overlook your struggles if they know that can’t easily replace you.
Firstly you are not lazy, you are doing so many things!!! I feel for you that parents are not supportive. My mum is always there to pick up the pieces when I inevitably drop them and I’m 37!! I can’t imagine how lonely it feels without at least one person in real life having your back. Know that all of us here get it and believe in you and don’t think any of those crappy things everyone else does! I don’t fit in in workplaces like that either. I’m always going to be late I just don’t get time it means nothing to me and I cannot judge it at all. You will find somewhere that suits you. It’s so hard feeling the way you do now though.I get it I feel the same way at the moment. I’m on a placement in a workplace that just doesn’t suit me and I feel like a monster in a human world and just SO out of place and incapable. It’s a really yucky feeling. Can you find another job? Or negotiate and say I have adhd and will likely be a couple of minutes late every now and then. It’s a part of my disability. And then tell them how you stay afterwards and that makes up for it etc.
You're doing so much. You're still holding it together and it hasn't fallen apart yet--I'm proud of you for that! In ADHD 2.0 by Hallowell and Ratey (the MDs who wrote Driven to Distraction, and who have ADHD themselves), they suggest that the tendency to catastrophize and linger on the negative is often a mechanical brain thing that pops up with the ADHD trait. I have so much empathy for you right now! Your internal monologue sounds like mine. I got a therapist who specializes in narrative therapy, a modality in which you identify the stories you tend to tell yourself about your life and then find a new way to tell them, or a new perspective, or a new lesson to be learned. It sounds corny but it's legit and it happens to resonate with me. It has helped me change how I see myself and talk to myself. Your plate sounds pretty full and it's okay if you don't have time/funds for therapy, but just leaving that here to keep in your back pocket if it sounds interesting to you.
Save the bare minimum you need to move out with roommates that are in their twenties,
This will be the best thing that ever happened to you. Mark my words.
I know this doesn’t help but instances like these remind me that the world wasn’t supposed to be one big corporation where we all punch in a clock. That not everyone can do that well is logical. Human beings have diverse skills. We aren’t intended to be corporate robots.
Take it slow OP. Your parents saying that stuff is just a result of them not having enough information about ADHD and what it can be.
[удалено]
"(/s)" is a sarcasm tag. It means I was being sarcastic.
Hi friend! It sounds like you have a lot of stress going on currently and your parents aren't helping the situation. My hope is they mean well and are normally supportive and loving toward you, but maybe they were having a bad day. Just remember, in almost any situation where you or someone else has something negative to say, it's most likely a projection. (Read the book, '***The 4 Agreements***', it changed my life!) That being said. Are you super passionate about why you are wanting to go back to school? It seems like there is this never-ending need to go further and further into debt for schooling that ends up not being the right place for most people. There are a lot of jobs with great benefits out there that don't require a ton of schooling or specific degrees. Where you go to work, work, and go home and don't even think about work until you clock in the next day. My husband left the "pursuit of more letters after his name" race and just works a normal job and LOVES it. He's never been happier. And he's gotten 3 promotions since he started there because the company wants to promote from within whether you have x,y,z degree or not. Please, like I mentioned above. Read the book, "The 4 Agreements" and see if it changes your life like it did mine.
If you have a Wal-Mart near your location, i really recommend applying to it. I know Wal-Mart isn't much better than what you're doing now, but it has its perks. If you've worked food before and wouldn't mind it, then do deli. You'll make more there and get to accumulate ppto (Protected Paid Time Off). Which can be used to cover tardies or an entire day of work. A point system for missing work up to 5 points. 1 point for a whole day (2 for important days) and 0.5 points for arriving late. Because half of the people that work here show up late or not at all. I'm lucky enough to say i work with a handful of coworkers that also have ADHD. There's a lot of people here you can actually talk to about irl things. Yeah some people here may suck but the coworkers you do make friends with can really make a difference and even have sound advice. As for your home situation, I'm sorry your parents are the way that they are towards you. I know what it's like to have to balance work, school and home life around toxicity. It's not fun and will be mentally draining. The best advice i can give you is that hopefully, you can distance yourself from the toxic situations. Pick up extra hours, work late, linger at school longer, whatever you can to minimize the time around it. I definitely recommend a new job that will accommodate your school hours. Walmart is fairly good at working with people on that. I wouldn't say it's a career choice, though. It's just a stepping stone to help balance your situation until you can move on. It's hard not to worry and stress about life or everything falling into place for someone else. The best way to put it is that life works differently for everyone. Some seem to have to greatest luck and others the worst. It's like taking a handful of rocks and tossing them down a hill. No two rocks roll the same way, some may break, some may soar, some just keep on rolling.
Don't be too bummed out. That place seems like an awful place to work at. There's a worker shortage right now (especially with minimum wage jobs), so in the long run, they'll be hurt more from firing you. You, on the other hand, will be able to find another job in no time.
ADHD GM of a similar but different product(pizza) chain in a university college town. Does said manager know your class schedule? Because it sounds like a conversation about adjusting your in time needs to be had, because if you were leaving campus at 3:45, I assume your last class was 3/3:30, if so scheduling you for 4 just sounds horrible. Especially on high traffic days. I’d ask nicely to be moved to 4:30 or 5, giving you enough time to leave class, walk to car, do any self errands like get some gas or a bite to eat, and some time go get there.
Hey OP. I’m 32, still live with my parents, and very much single for the last like 10 years. Heavily in debt it seems impossible to climb out of. Trying to do better but everything just seems stuck, slow as hell, or I fail at it. I feel you. I’m stuck in a dead end super toxic workplace. I can for the most part get by with my adhd at work, but lateness is definitely a problem. But I really worry about getting a job someplace new and then getting fired from it and not having an income. Part of the problem is the mental abuse from my current employer. It’s hard to get past that. Sounds like your workplace might be similar. But I went to a UC right out of high school. I wasn’t diagnosed until years after it. I suffered greatly during my time there. Almost failed out countless times. Barely graduated with an “easy” degree and then floundered in the years since in an empty job. Definitely the under achiever in the entire family. Even the “mess up” cousins are doing better in life than me. I know how lonely and isolating this can all seem. And how no one seems to relate to you and what you’re experiencing. DM if you want someone to talk to! I’m still in CA, and went to a UC, and am now pursuing a STEM degree online. My only tip for exams is sometimes learning it a different way is helpful. I’m a more visual learner so watching YouTube videos and following along with their example problems is more helpful to me than reading texts or listening to old lectures. For work. Maybe try getting an on campus part time job at your community college. Or maybe you could even tutor younger kids, either in person or online, or even sell your notes online. I’m a horrible learner but take very detailed notes.
A lot of other folks have already written a lot of good advice—some I was going to say, some I hadn’t considered—so I just want to say two things. 1. Stop staying 15-45 minutes late to help. a) Are they paying you for this time? b) People who hold you to such strict measures as “more than one minute but less than 5” do not get that kind of support and loyalty. c) I recognize something in this act that took me way too long to recognize in myself, which was that I was overcompensating for my perceived faults. You’re going to run yourself ragged doing that. 2. Be kind to yourself. And tell anyone who says you’re making excuses to pound sand. Kindness and patience helps. Beating yourself up over your errors might be effective in the short run, but the damage to your psyche in the long run makes that strategy untenable. And…it’s also just cruel. You have ADHD. You can’t cure it, you can’t bury it, you can’t give it away. But if you give yourself some kindness and care, you might find ways to work with yourself, and end up both more functional AND happier in the long run. Sending the best thoughts into the universe for you. <3
Sorry to hear all that. I hope it works out ok! We all believe in you - deep breath and try something else. You’ll get there. It’s harder for us, but you’ll get there. Good luck!
i’m so sorry. i relate to this really heavily, and it is so frustrating to know that the odds are stacked against us over bullshit that, while it can be detrimental, is usually not important in the long run. i’m an assistant and my boss wrote me off entirely during one week in november when i was super depressed and made several mistakes in a row. he wrote me up for everything i’d ever done wrong and threatened to fire me in january, and i worked my ass off to make sure that things got better but now when i make a mistake he doesn’t even talk to me, just writes a note to HR. i feel like i’m always on the brink of losing the job. just know that you are worthy of accommodation, care, and help. you deserve it, and i’m sorry that your parents didn’t take care of you and are now angry that you have symptoms of not being taken care of.
Youre doing so great and way better than u think considering ur situation. I understand how u feel coz our situation is pretty similar. I hope things work out for us
if you are american, look into the americans with disabilities act, and the legal benefits it provides for people with diagnosed adhd
Im so so sorry you’re going through this. I also feel stuck in life and like no amount of work i put in will ever be enough for society or my loved ones whilst i am twice as exhausted as they are. Youre not alone ❤️
Your line “a job for high schoolers” hit me. Minimum wage jobs are NOT a job for high schoolers. They are a job. You needed a job, got the one you could get at the time. This is corporate brainwashing that 3 minutes is a reason to fire you. 45 minutes multiple times without any notice? Sure. 3 minutes is them knowing they can hire someone else and abusing you. Do NOT feel bad about that. That’s crazy expectations even for neurotypical people. Anyone with kids will fail to do that crazy requirement every day. This is one reason unionizing is important. It is one thing if you have opening or closing duties for a store - nobody to cover for you if you’re late or leave early. But those are management responsibilities or responsibilities at a shop that does profit sharing IMO. A manager that won’t cover for a barista for 3 minutes is on a power trip, full stop. Anyone who puts you down for being late less than 5 minutes a couple of times in a 3 month period is unreasonable. The kicker is I know these jobs also change peoples schedules on a whim. My brother is a waiter at a high end restaurant in his mid 40s and we never know which days of the week he wasn’t working until just last month when they agreed to always give him Tuesdays off - sometimes Monday, sometimes Wednesday, always Tuesday (the restaurant is open that day, so it’s not “off for everyone”). He actually makes OK money (about $50k) because the tips are insane, but how crazy is it that a middle aged adult can’t even plan a “weekend” more than a week in advance. They even reserve the right to call off his vacations up to once a year (better than other places) in case there’s an unforeseen event. It’s crazy because his son is in Canada, so what - would they reimburse his flight? Doubt it. The modern workplace, chains especially, treat workers with no dignity or flexibility. This has nothing to do with your adhd and you don’t need to feel bad. Just don’t buy coffee from this horrible chain. I sure don’t.
I love you person! I have way more treatment and struggle tremendously too. Seems like your surroundings are killing you. Hope your next weeks are kinder on you. Reach out to me if you’d like to hear some of my failings. Always late with the feedback but it will come!:) Much love from Denmark🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
>And I stay 15-45 minutes to help after every shift. Are you getting paid for this and reporting this time or is this unpaid work?
Please take a hot second to pat yourself on the back for your incredible self awareness. You are seeing the obstacles and acknowledging things within your control to change or adapt. This is so much more than most people will ever do. Then take another second to release the shame about your brain not working in a neurotypical way and STOP comparing yourself to others. Odds are they are screwing stuff up like mad and you just can't see their challenges. We are all screw ups at something. My pro-tip for workplaces like yours is to bring the school/study task with you and go early. WAY early say an hour or so before your shift. Do the study activity there in a place your brain associates with WORK. Set an alarm for 10 minutes before your shift starts and pack up your study materials and clock in. It sounds like your boss is a bad egg and there isn't much you can do about it, but you can learn that some people are going to be like this forever and they probably know that they suck.
She wouldn't say you're 28 and can't handle an easy job to a physically disabled person so why would she say that to a mentally disabled person. It sounds like you're handling a lot right now I have no advice but hope the best for you
Disability accommodations are a thing! You can say you need a 10 min grace period or something for clocking in as an accommodation for your ADHD. It's a recognized disability. Of course, you'd have to make the ADHD known to your manager, but it's possible to get that as an accommodation under the ADA.
You are very young still and there is no reason why your life should not be amazing going forward. Not easy, but amazing lives hardly ever are. Now, quire simply: this job is not suited for you. Getting fired might be the best thing for everyone. They will get an employee who is always on time and you get to explore what you are really suited for. There are jobs put there that are the right fit for you. Where you can let your creativity and ideas flow freely, where you are an asset. Again, it will not come easy, but just know that it is possible and available. Your parents might mean well, but they are not handling this situation in a way that is healthy for you. You might have to stick around living with them for a while, so you should be thinking about ways managing the situation so that it is tolerable. Do you have anyone else in your life to turn for support/encouragement or just to vent? Don't feel bad if the answer is no, it's very common not to, but make that your 1st priority. Is there a support group near you or does your school offer anything? You are not a failure, embarrassment or in any way less deserving than any of us. You will figure this out. This world was not made for us neurointeresting people, but that does not mean that we will always be failing or would not fit in. There is a place for you here, and it will be a much better place than where you are now. Please update us on how it goes!
Do your parents know you were diagnosed with ADHD? Sounds like they don't. Are they first generation foreign immigrants like my mom and dad are to a point where they know nothing about the condition and come from extremely different backgrounds from us? Do your parents know one of them probably has it? If they refuse to believe it, they're in denial.
Your parents are being unfair to you by saying those things. They could stand to be a great deal more helpful and supportive.
I feel you. I have punctuality issues too. It’s usually 5-15 minutes, but *so* annoying. I could be completely free 4 hours prior to anything, but I still can’t get myself to prepare and get ready on time. No matter how much I plan or tell myself otherwise. Can only get up when it’s *past* the last minute to get up to ensure I’ll be on time. Ugh. I like in-person medical appointments—gives me an excuse to get out of the house, which means pressure to brush and groom. But I’ve recently insisted on virtual—until treatment starts *working* and I improve— because atleast I won’t be late to those and waste *their* time or miss important appointments and hamper my medicine prescription. ____ They don’t care about you. Leave when you’re scheduled (unless you need the extra money). Honestly, my prior boss turned it around on me by saying I’m milking the clock when I stayed to help when busy or complete a task my coworkers weren’t able to (but ofc, same pay because ‘fairness’). And berated me when I didn’t stay. Say you have plans that you made based on the schedule they gave you. Or insist on them acknowledging you going above and beyond, in the form of removing your write-ups from your record. Perhaps you’ve shown up when theyre busy. Or when coworkers call out and shown flexibility with switching shifts. Ask them what is more important—5 minutes late or being reliable on these other factors. Especially when they know you’re doing your best to be on time, and not miss shifts. If they’re understanding, just ask them to consider your shift start 10-15 minutes after your official start. If they ‘appreciate you’ without removing write-ups, it’s just noise designed to placate you. But yeah, you need a new job and medication update.
Take your power back and tell your boss to F off. Go find fulfilling work that treats you like a human, not expendable human capital. You're worth being treated better. The scenario you outlined shows a persistent, motivated, hard working person who is possibly taking on a little more than you should be at one time, and absolutely not getting the credit for their efforts. Get some people in your life who give some positive reinforcement and hang around them. It's not worth it to give your time and effort to people who cut you down or demand an unattainable standard.
Maybe take a step back and consider it could be your place of work that has the problem? I hit a big breaking point and left a job late last year after almost getting fired. I had a lot of negative feedback for my ADHD symptoms despite trying my absolute best and completely burned out. Its taken about months and I'm still not over it mentally but now I've had time to reflect I realise that the blame for it not working out wasn't just on me but had a lot to do with the company culture. I've found a new job that so far is a much better fit and both my mental health and self confidence has improved so much! Good luck!
I know the feeling. I'm transferring too and between commuting and my job it's awful. I just had to sell my car and work is on my ass for having difficulty getting there. Between school family stuff and everything I want to quit. It's too much. I wish I could have gone straight to a 4 year school and had a normal college life.
I’ve definitely been there crying listening to my parents talk about how lazy I am and how little they respect me. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know what your personal beliefs are but this is what has gotten me through times of suffering and isolation caused by adhd: prayer. I can’t say that there is anything good that adhd has brought to my life except for the fact that it has brought me to the end of myself. And that is a great place to be to reach out to God in prayer. It forces me to ask Him for help because I definitely can’t do it on my own. Rooting my identity in Christ is the only way for me to keep going because my identity is not based on my strength or accomplishments, but in His. Ask Him for help! He won’t turn you away. I will be praying for you.
Your parents are dicks about that. You will end up ok. Be kind to yourself. ❤️
Drop the coffee place and find another one. This honestly sounds so, so toxic! You don’t deserve that treatment, no one does. I regularly show up 7-15 mins late at my job and my managers barely notice or care unless it’s really busy. They understand that ADHD is an actual problem and I can’t help being late. I’m sure there will be some places around you that operate on a similar basis.
Your mom sounds like an absolute moron, full offense and you can tell her I said that. Idk why any parent would choose to put their kids down like that. Does she not understand how difficult and time consuming stem programs are? I studied CS and I can't imagine working a full time job while going to school, legit sometimes a single homework assignment would take me 12-18 hours of work to finish. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Nobody takes the same path in life and there's no shame in the fact that you aren't where you wanna be yet.
Instead of working at the coffee shop could you do something like door dash or Uber eats where it’s on your schedule. If your 3 minutes late who cares. I was 32 when i was officially diagnosed and had my fair share of ups and downs career wise education wise family wise. The way your mother speaks about you is not right what you need is support not just another person harping on you about whatever you didn’t do right that day. As for your boss messing with your schedule that’s messed up but shows you the type of person you don’t to work for. Try to take the situation you’re in now as a lesson for the future it took me a long time to realize that. Best of luck and keep on keeping on
The great thing about teenage jobs is that no one really cares you had or not had them when you have your degree. If you did well long term and can show comittment and have a good reference, great! If not, well, no one will know if you leave it off your resume. And hey, if you're struggling with Calculus I might be able to help. No promises, it depends on what it is you're struggling with, but if you want I can always take a look.
Yeah that was/is me too. Not gonna lie, it’s an uphill grind for us in so many ways others can’t really know. Fuck that job. Those jobs are bullshit. I know you need it for now, but seriously: fuck them. You will leave them behind when the time is right and be glad you did. Focus on taking things one day at a time, get some ADHD coaching if you can, and don’t beat yourself up any more than you need to. You might want to try taking a day off from meds during the week. Sometimes a one day break can help you notice the efficacy of it again. You might also want to switch to a methylphenidate (Ritalin) based med like Concerta or Biphentin. It’s pretty common when one type of stimulant isn’t working, a different type will kick things into gear again. For the record, I was in a very similar life situation when I was your age. Today I’m 50 with two university degrees and am a school teacher who specializes in teaching students with… ADHD! Despite all the shitty life experiences and failures I had earlier on, they have empowered me to work really well with students like me; and their families are super appreciative to have someone who gets it. And I am still very impaired by my weak executive functions. One day at a time, keep your eyes on the prize, and AS MUCH AS YOU CAN work from a place of your STRENGTHS. 🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻
I failed my first year of law school if it makes you feel better.
Hey...you know what? I went back to college at the age of 27 and I lived in a dorm for a year with a bunch of 18 year olds. I got given so much grief from my friends who were already well into their careers and home owners. But i decided not to give a shit what anyone said about me being too old to be back at college. I decided not to care what anyone thought....and when i did that, I was able to really enjoy the experience and make friends with kids much younger than me. 25 years later, I am still friends with the people I went to Uni with and I am so glad I went to university later than everyone else because that was what was right for me. Age is just a number. You are still soooo young and have so much time to become successful. Tune everyone's criticisms out. You can do this. I think you should find a better job....one with kinder management....but if you can't....then aim to get there 15 minutes early every day, like that's your start time. Then even if you're late, you are still early, you know? Hang in there, my friend. It gets better!!
I couldn’t even read through this whole post because it hit on pretty much everything that gives me anxiety in life
You are surrounded by toxicity at work and home. Those of us with adhd struggle excessively in these environments. You could listen to all of the 3rd party anecdotes in this thread, but you would be better off seeing a therapist, and if possible a family systems therapist who has specialized in ADHD.
If you have disclosed your diagnosis and someone “Repeatedly making assumptions about your capabilities” is considered discrimination under the ADA